Auld Lang Stefanos

ACT ONE

(LARRY JOGS OUT OF THE BEDROOM DRESSED IN A SWEAT SUIT AND REEBOKS.  HE DOES A FEW QUICK TURNS AROUND THE LIVING ROOM, PUNCHES THE AIR AND THUMBS HIS NOSE LIKE A BOXER.  HE ATTEMPTS A LEAP OVER THE OTTOMAN, MISSES, FALLS FLAT, BUT JUMPS UP QUICKLY AS THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED AND RUNS IN PLACE)

LARRY
Balki, come on!  It’s time to slap the pavement running!
Time to get rid of that excess baggage!  Time to shape
up or ship out!  (HE STOPS JOGGING, BENDS OVER
AND HOLDS HIS SIDE)  Time to sit down and have heart seizure . . .

(HE COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH AS BALKI ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM.  HE IS DRESSED IN A PAIR OF SHORTS WITH SUSPENDERS, SWEAT SOCKS, RUNNING SHOWS AND A TEE-SHIRT THAT SAYS "SHEPHERDS MAKE BETTER LOVERS."  HE JOGS OVER TO THE COUCH, STOPS AND LOOKS DOWN AT LARRY)

BALKI
What the matter with you is?  Aren’t we going
to slap the pavement silly this morning, like you say?

LARRY
Oh . . . of course we are.  (HE SITS UP RELUCTANTLY)  We
always run together on Saturdays, don’t we?  Why should
today be any different?

(HE JUMPS UP ENERGETICALLY, STRETCHES HIS ARMS, INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY THEN HE JOGS OVER TO BALKI AND, STILL JOGGING, FLINGS AN ARM ACROSS HIS SHOULDERS.  THEY RUN IN PLACE FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN JOG AROUND THE COUCH TOGETHER TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR.)

BALKI
Cousin, after we go running today, can we
have lunch together at the Humongous Burger Deli,
just like we always do?

LARRY
(SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH)  Uh-huh, yep, just like we
always do.  And then tonight, we’ll pick up Jennifer
and Mary Anne and go to the movies, just like we always do . . .

BALKI
. . . and then we’ll bring them back to the apartment,
put on some soft music, turn the lights down low . . .

LARRY
. . . And get absolutely nowhere, just like we always do.

(LARRY PULLS THE FRONT DOOR OPEN.  MRS. SCHLEGGELMILCH IS STANDING IN THE HALLWAY HOLDING THE ARM OF A YOUNG MAN, STEFANOS VLOCHOSTOKOS, WHO IS DRESSED IN MYPOSIAN GARB AND HOLDING A SUITCASE.  BALKI GASPS, COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH BOTH HANDS AND STARES AT STEFANOS IN WIDE-EYED ASTONISHMENT)

MRS. SCHLEGGELMILCH
I found this loitering around the hallway.
‘Looks like it probably belongs to you.

BALKI
(BARELY ABLE TO CONTAIN HIS JOY)  Stefanos!
Stefanos Vlochostokos!

STEFANOS
Balki Bartokomous!  My friend, my brother, my countryman!

MRS. SCHLEGGELMILCH
My god.

(STEFANOS AND BALKI THROW THEIR ARMS AROUND ONE ANOTHER AS THEY LAUGH, CRY AND POUND ONE ANOTHER ON THE BACK ALL AT THE SAME TIME)

MRS. SCHLEGGELMICH (CONT’D)
(TO LARRY) You know, it’s starting to look like a
sheepherder’s convention around here.  (DARKLY)
Your living room’s right over mine -- don’t make no noise, understand?

(LARRY NODS, STILL BAFFLED.  MRS. SCHLEGGELMILCH LEAVES AS BALKI AND STEFANOS PULL OUT OF THE EMBRACE)

BALKI
(WIPING AWAY TEARS)  Stefanos, Oh, Stefanos, what
are you doing here such a long way from home!

STEFANOS
What do you think I’m doing here, you foolish goat?
I read your letters about how wonderful America is, so I
come for a visit and see for myself!

BALKI
I cannot believe it!

(HE SQUEEZES LARRY AND STEFANOS INTO A TIGHT EMBRACE UNTIL THEY ARE PRACTICALLY NOSE TO NOSE)

BALKI (CONT’D)
Oh, Cousin!  Cousin, can you believe what is happening?

LARRY
Not hardly.  (TO STEFANOS)  We haven’t met, have we . . .

(STEFANOS SHAKES HIS HEAD.  BALKI RELEASES THEM QUICKLY)

BALKI
What a stupid Balki!  Stefanos Vlochostokos, I
would like to introduce you to my American cousin,
Larry Appleton.  We live here together.

(LARRY AND STEFANOS EXCHANGE GREETINGS AND SHAKE HANDS)

BALKI (CONT’D)
Cousin Larry, I would like to introduce you to
Stefanos Vlochostokos, the second best sheepherder
in all of Mypos, next to me, and my very best friend in the world!

(LARRY LOSES HIS GRIN ABRUPTLY.  STEFANOS AND BALKI EMBRACE AGAIN.  SOMEHOW LARRY MANAGES A HALF-HEARTED SMILE AS BALKI LOOKS OVER AT HIM, AND WE):

DISSOLVE TO:

(STEFANOS AND BALKI ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH LAUGHING. LARRY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A JUG AND THREE GLASSES.  HE PUTS THEM DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND SITS IN THE CHAIR OPPOSITE THE COUCH)

LARRY
What’s so funny?  You two sound like
you’re having the time of your lives out here.

BALKI
(GASPING FOR BREATH)  Oh, Cousin!  Oh, Cousin,
it’s a joke, and if I tell it to you, it’s so hilarious you won’t believe it!

LARRY
Well give me a try.  I enjoy a good joke as much as the next guy.

BALKI
(TRYING TO CONTROL HIMSELF)  Okay, okay.  (HE BREAKS
UP AGAIN, THEN BRINGS HIMSELF UNDER CONTROL)
Okay, I tell it to you.  Are you ready?

LARRY
(GRINNING)  Yeah, yeah, I’m ready.

BALKI
Okay, here goes.

(BALKI TELLS THE JOKE, BUT IN HIS EXCITEMENT HE DOESN’T REALIZE HE’S TELLING IT IN MYPOSIAN.  THE JOKE IS LOADED WITH FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, GESTURES AND IN ONE SPOT, A BRONX CHEER.  BALKI BREAKS UP AND HE AND STEFANOS DISSOLVE INTO HELPLESS LAUGHTER.  LARRY LOOKS AROUND AS IF FOR HELP.  WHEN STEFANOS AND BALKI COME UP FOR AIR, BREATHLESS AND RED-FACED, BALKI DELIVERS THE PUNCH LINE)

BALKI
And the farmer says, the farmer says . . . whattaya
mean it’s a pig?  It sure looks like a goat to me!

(STEFANOS AND BALKI GRAB HOLD OF ONE ANOTHER AND SCREAM WITH LAUGHTER. LARRY GAZES AT THEM DEADPAN. FINALLY, STEFANOS AND BALKI LOOK UP AT HIM, STILL TRYING TO CONTROL THEIR GIGGLES)

LARRY
(SMILES WOODENLY, HOLDS UP THE JUG)  Gatorade?

STEFANOS
Balki’s American Cousin, don’t you think that is a very funny story?

LARRY
(SMILING WOODENLY)  It loses something in the translation . . . 
. . . and call me Larry.  (THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)  ‘Scuse me.

(HE RISES TO ANSWER THE DOOR, LEAVING BALKI AND STEFANOS GIGGLING TOGETHER ON THE COUCH.  LARRY SHAKES HIS HEAD, PULLS THE DOOR OPEN.  MARY ANNE AND JENNIFER ARE IN THE HALLWAY)

LARRY
(GLAD TO SEE FAMILIAR FACES)  Mary Anne, Jennifer!
Come in, come in!

JENNIFER
I hope we’re not interrupting anything.

LARRY
No, no.  Not at all.  It’s nice to have someone
else in the place who understands English.

(THE GIRLS ENTER AND LARRY CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND THEM)

MARY ANNE
We can’t stay long, Larry, we just came by to see if you
and Balki still wanted to go to the movies tonight.

LARRY
Well, sure, I don’t see why not.  (REMEMBERS)
Oh, well, that is . . . I’m not sure.  Balki has company.

(BALKI SEES THEM, JUMPS UP QUICKLY.  STEFANOS STANDS, TOO)

BALKI
Mary Anne!  Jennifer!  Come in, there’s
someone here I would like for you to meet.

(BALKI GRABS STEFANOS’ ARM AND EAGERLY PULLS HIM FORWARD)

BALKI (CONT’D)
Ladies, I would like for you to meet my friend
from Mypos, Stefanos Vlochostokos.  We grow up together.

LARRY
(WITH A FORCED SMILE)  Not only that, they’re best friends.

JENNIFER
Oh, really!  Well, then this is a pleasure!

(STEFANOS SMILES, TAKES HER HAND AND RAISES IT TO HIS LIPS)

STEFANOS
Please believe Stefanos.  The pleasure is all his.

(HE KISSES HER HAND.  LARRY REACTS.  IT’S ALL HE CAN DO TO CONTROL HIS JEALOUSY.  STEFANOS TURNS TO MARY ANNE)

STEFANOS
And who is this pretty little lamb?

BALKI
(PUTS AN ARM AROUND MARY ANNE’S SHOULDER)
This is Mary Anne.  She’s my . . .

(MARY ANNE AND BALKI LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER UNCERTAINLY.  BALKI GRINS SHYLY AND DUCKS HIS HEAD)

BALKI (CONT’D)
. . . she’s my friend.

STEFANOS
Ah.

(STEFANOS KISSES HER HAND, TOO)

MARY ANNE
(TO BALKI) Is that the way everybody from
Mypos says hello?

BALKI
Are you kidding?  After working in a sheep pasture
all day you’re lucky if you can get that close!

LARRY
Uh-HUH!

(LARRY MOVES QUICKLY TO PROTECT WHAT’S HIS.  HE PUTS AN ARM AROUND JENNIFER’S SHOULDER AND PULLS HER CLOSE.  JENNIFER LOOK AT HIS CURIOUSLY)

JENNIFER
Well, why don’t we all sit down and get to know one another?

LARRY
Yes, why don’t we?

(LARRY HUGS JENNIFER CLOSE AGAIN.  EVERYONE SITS ON THE SOFA AND SURROUNDING CHAIRS)

JENNIFER
(OFF ANOTHER CURIOUS LOOK AT LARRY)  So!
Stefanos.  You and Balki grew up together.

STEFANOS
Na, ever since we were little children.  There is no one in the
whole world who knows Balki better than Stefanos Vlochostokos.

LARRY
(SKEPTICALLY)  Is that right?  Well, that’s funny, because
in all the time I’ve known Balki I’ve never once heard him
mention your name.  I guess it’s just a simple case of out of
sight, out of mind.

BALKI
Oh, Cousin, no, I talk about Stefanos all the time!  (TO STEFANOS)
Sometimes, Cousin Larry don’t listen too good when Balki speaks.

(LARRY IS INDIGNANT, BUT DOESN’T GET THE CHANCE TO PROTEST)

STEFANOS
But, it is true.  Balki and Stefanos have been through
many, many things together.  Balki, do you remember
the time your Papa left us in charge of the whole flock
of sheep and goats for the very first time?

BALKI
Of course I remember, how could I forget?  It was winter.

STEFANOS
It was dark.

BALKI
Stefanos and Balki are all alone when all of a sudden
a pack of hungry wolves runs out of the woods and attacks
our little flock!  (DEMONSTRATES)  We have nothing to defend
them with but our crooks and one dog, but we chase
the wolves away anyway and we don’t lose one lamb!

STEFANOS
What about the terrible tidal wave that flooded
our village and swept away all our homes and farmland, eh?

BALKI

(NODS)  For three weeks we lived on nothing
but goats milk and stale bread.

MARY ANNE

Wow.  You two really have been through a lot together, haven’t you?

LARRY
(INDIGNANTLY)  Well, Balki and I have been through
a lot together, too, you know.  For instance -- Balki,
do you remember the time we got caught in rush hour traffic,
three hours from home, and then found out we didn’t have
enough change to get through the toll booth, huh?  Or how
about the time we got locked out of the apartment and had to
climb the fire escape and get in through the living room window . . .

(BALKI GRINS AND NODS, BUT EVERYONE ELSE JUST LOOKS AT LARRY AS WE):

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHRONICLE - DAY

(LARRY TYPES AT HIS DESK. AT THE END OF EACH LINE HE VIOLENTLY PUNCHES THE RETURN KEY AND MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)

LARRY
You live with a guy and you think you know him.  (RETURN)
Oh, sure, he may say he’s your best friend but when it comes
to loyalties, does it mean anything?  Of course not! (RETURN)
First goatherder that comes along and you’re out the
door like yesterday’s garbage.

(HE RIPS THE PAPER OUT OF THE TYPEWRITER WITH A VENGEANCE.  MARY ANNE AND JENNIFER ENTER FROM THE ELEVATOR.  THEY’RE DRESSED IN THEIR FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNIFORMS)

JENNIFER
Hi, Larry.

LARRY
(BRIGHTENING)  Jennifer!  Mary Anne!
What are you doing here?

JENNIFER
We just stopped by on our way to the airport to
tell you what a great time we had last night.

MARY ANNE
Yeah, I hope we can get together soon and
do it again.  That Stefanos is a real character!

LARRY
(DARKLY) Isn’t he just?

JENNIFER
Larry, is something the matter?

LARRY
(RELUCTANTLY)  No, no.  I don’t guess so.  It’s just that
I’m not used to seeing Balki with anyone who understands
him the way I do.  (BEAT) Come to think of it, I’m not used
to seeing Balki with anyone who understands him at all.
I guess I’m just feeling a little . . . left out.

JENNIFER
Oh, Larry.  Have you tried telling Balki how you feel?

LARRY
I haven’t had the chance!  He’s been out all night!
He hasn’t even come into work yet this morning,
but, he’d better get here soon.  Gorpley’s due any second
and he’s already warned Balki before about being late.

(GORPLEY ENTERS FROM THE ELEVATOR.  MARY ANNE AND JENNIFER TURN, SEE HIM AND SHRIEK.  GORPLEY LOOKS AT THEM INDIGNANTLY)

GORPLEY
Yeah, good morning to you, too.

JENNIFER
(RAPIDLY)  Well, we’ve got to go now, Larry.  ‘Bye.

(THEY LEAVE QUICKLY)

GORPLEY
You want my opinion?  Those two have been breathing
pressurized air too long.  (LOOKS AROUND)  Where’s Bartokomous?

LARRY
(NERVOUSLY)  Who?

GORPLEY
(IRRITATED)  Your cousin?

LARRY
Oh, that Bartokmous.  (LAUGHS)

(GORPLEY FIXES HIM WITH A STEADY STARE. LARRY SOBERS ABRUPTLY)

LARRY (CONT’D)
(MISERABLY)  Balki’s not here, Mr. Gorpley.

GORPLEY
What do you mean he’s not here, Appleton? If he
works for me then he’s here or else he doesn’t work for me.

LARRY
Well, of course he’s here.  I just meant he’s not (POINTING TO
THE FLOOR) here.   He’s in the, uh, back room doing, um . . . mail
stamping.  Right, he’s stamping the mail.

GORPLEY
Good.  Then you won’t mind getting him out here for me, will you . . .

LARRY
(SMILING TOO BRIGHTLY)  Not at all.

(HE GOES TO THE DOORWAY OF THE BACK ROOM.  PEEKS IN)

LARRY (CONT’D)
Balki?  Balki, would you come out here a minute,
please?  Mr. Gorpley would like to have a word with you.

(BALKI ENTERS FROM THE ELEVATOR, SEES GORPLEY AND HESITATES)

LARRY (CONT’D)
Oh, you can’t?  You’re sorting the publisher’s mail?  Well . . .

(GORPLEY GRABS BALKI BY THE COLLAR, DRAGS HIM OVER TO WHERE LARRY S STANDING)

LARRY (CONT’D)
Well, all right, I’ll tell him, but I don’t think he’ll be to happy about . . .

GORPLEY
You don’t think I’ll be too happy about what?

(LARRY TURNS, SEES GORPLEY HOLDING BALKI AND NEARLY HAS HEART FAILURE.  HE GRABS ‘HOLD OF THE MAIL TABLE FOR SUPPORT)

GORPLEY
(MALICIOUS GLEE)  All right, Bartokomous, I’ve
already warned you about being late . . .

BALKI
I’m not late, Mr. Gorpley.  I asked the editor if I
could have time off this morning and he said yes.

(GORPLEY LOOKS AT HIM EVENLY)

GORPLEY
Damn.

(HE RELEASES BALK’S COLLAR AND GOES INTO HIS OFFICE, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.  BALKI SMOOTHS DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT, BUT LARRY QUICKLY GRABS IT AGAIN)

LARRY
Where have you been?  Do you know I could
have lost my job making up excuses for you?

BALKI
I’m sorry, Cousin, but I had to take care
of some very important business.

LARRY
I’ll bet you did.  How is Stefanos this morning?

BALKI
(CASUALLY)  Oh, he’s fine.

LARRY
That’s what I thought.  If you think I’m going to risk my
financial security to protect you while you’re out playing
social butterfly, then you’ve got another think coming, buster.

(HE TIGHTENS HIS GRIP ON BALKI’S COLLAR.  BALKI LOOKS DOWN AT HIS COLLAR, THEN UP AT LARRY)

BALKI
Cousin, I can’t help but notice that you seem just a tad upset.

LARRY
Upset?  Why should I be upset?  Just because you
leave me in the lurch and jeopardize my job is that any
reason for me to be upset?!

BALKI

(AFTER A BEAT)  Well, okay, if you’re sure.
Cousin, I have exciting news!

(LARRY RELEASES BALKI’S COLLAR, TURNS AND PICKS UP AN ARMFUL OF MAIL AND PUSHES IT INTO BALKI’S ARMS)

LARRY
You don’t have time for news.  You have too much work to do.

BALKI
Okay, then, I just show you.

(HE JUGGLES THE MAIL AROUND, REACHES IN HIS BACK POCKET AND PULLS OUT AN AIRLINE TICKET)

LARRY
What’s that?

BALKI
(BEAMING)  It’s an airplane ticket!  Next week when
Stefanos goes back to Mypos, Balki goes with him!
Cousin!  I’m going home again!

(AND OFF LARRY’S LOOK OF STUNNED DISBELIEF, WE):

FADE OUT:

Continue to Act Two . . . .