Like Uncle, Like Cousin

ACT TWO

CUT TO:

TUCKER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO THE SHOP, WALKS IN AND TURNS ON THE LIGHTS.  HE WALKS TOWARDS THE COUNTER, AND ON HIS WAY NOTICES THAT DIMITRI’S CASE HAS BEEN BROKEN INTO, AND THE SHEEP HAS BEEN TAKEN.  TUCKER GOES INTO PANIC MODE.  HE CHECKS THE CASH REGISTER, BUT NO MONEY HAS BEEN STOLEN.  HE GOES TO THE BACK DOOR AND FINDS OUT THAT ROBBIE NEVER LOCKED IT.  HE PULLS OUT HIS CELL AND CALLS HIM.

CUT TO:

ROBBIE IS PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR.  HIS CELL RINGS FOR A WHILE.  HE HAS A REALLY OBNOXIOUS RINGTONE, POSSIBLY MYPOSIAN RELATED, BUT HARD TO TELL.

ROBBIE
(HALF-DEAD) Yeah?

TUCKER
You never locked the door!

ROBBIE
Huh?  Ohh.  Yeah, I...forgot about that.

TUCKER
Yeah, well, the shop has been robbed.

ROBBIE
Really?

TUCKER
Yes!  They stole Dimitri!  They didn’t even take any money.

ROBBIE
Holy crap.  That sucks.  My dad’s going to
be really upset.  Did you call the police?

TUCKER
I’m not calling the police to report a missing stuffed animal.
Your dad’s never going to know it’s missing either.  I have ...

ROBBIE
Oh God ...

TUCKER
A plan!

DISSOLVE TO:

CUT TO:

TUCKER AND ROBBIE SNEAK INTO THE HOUSE WHILE EVERYONE IS STILL ASLEEP.  THEY GO TO THE ATTIC.

TUCKER
Now you keep on the lookout.  If you hear someone, close
the door and pretend you just wanted to stop by.  You said Uncle B
keeps his stuffed sheep in a box way in the back?

ROBBIE
Yeah you can’t really miss it.  It has kri-kri tassels all over it.

TUCKER
Ok.

TUCKER CLIMBS INTO ATTIC, STARTS LOOKING WITH FLASHLIGHT, BUT CAN’T FIND IT.  THE LIGHT OF THE FLASHLIGHT REVEALS A BUNCH OF STRANGE THINGS, BUT NOTHING MORE STRANGE THAN A FEMALE BLOW-UP DOLL FROM THE CAR-TUNES EPISODE.

ROBBIE
Hurry up!

TUCKER
I can’t find it.  Come up here and help me.

ROBBIE CLIMBS IN AND STARTS TO CLOSE THE DOOR.

TUCKER (CONT’D)
No, don’t close it all the...(SLAM)  Way.  Robbie, you just locked us in here.
That door locks on the outside when you close it.  You’re such an idiot!

ROBBIE
Well, I didn’t know!

TUCKER
You lived here for two decades and this house still yields surprises for you?!

ROBBIE
Hey, well, this never would’ve happened if you just remembered to lock the back door!

TUCKER
That’s why I asked you to do a simple favor, but no, you were too busy...

ROBBIE
What?  Having a life Mr. Drops-out-of-college-then-comes-back-
home-to-be-a-Myposian-baker-but-can’t-hack-it-because-he-can’t-even-
remember-to-lock-a-door-and-now-my-dad’s-stuffed-sheep-is-stolen??!!

TUCKER
Shhh! Someone is going to hear us!

ROBBIE

Well, someone has to let us out, Tucker.

TUCKER
No, there has to be a way to get out on our own.
First, let’s just worry about finding that box ...

DISSOLVE TO:

ENTER LARRY.  HE SHUFFLES INTO KITCHEN TO FIX COFFEE.  HEARS A NOISE FROM ABOVE, BUT DISMISSES IT.  ENTER BALKI.

BALKI
I’m so used to getting up at this hour, I forgot I don’t have
to be up until 9.  I heard Tucker leave at the croak of dawn
this morning.  You know, you shouldn’t be so hard on him.

LARRY
Balki, don’t tell me how I should be with my son.  Trouble is, you’re too lenient.
While I was teaching my son how to organize his closet you were teaching your son
how to play nok-nok-roll-a-rock.  And he still turned out perfectly fine.  I just don’t get it.

BALKI
Oh, Cousin, Robbie has done some things to turn my hair gray as well.
Remember his 18^th birthday?  At least your son isn’t a party
animal like Robbie.  I don’t know where he gets it.

LARRY
Balki, every day is a party with you.  But Robbie is an American,
and American parties are a little different than the ones on Mypos.
There’s no quilt-making involved for one thing.  Your son is a perfectly normal
American 20-year old (LOOKS HORRIFIED) ... Dear God.

BALKI
Cousin, remember all the trouble we got into before they were born?
I don’t think all their bad behavior combined could ever hold a Kindle
to just one of our many misadventures together, do you?

LARRY
(SMILES)  We did have a few lapses in judgment at times didn’t we?

BALKI
Yes, we did.

BOTH START REMINISCING.  FLASHBACK TO A FEW CLIPS FROM PREVIOUS EPISODES.

LARRY

I guess you have a good point there, Balki.  At least Robbie and Tucker
never got themselves into any of that kind of trouble.

LOUD NOISE FROM ABOVE.

CUT TO:

ROBBIE
Someone definitely heard that.

TUCKER
Well, you tripped me.  Hey, I think the box must be behind all this junk.

ROBBIE
Be careful, Tucker, there’s...

TUCKER
Oh, shut up, you’re starting to get on my nerves.

ROBBIE
The feeling is mutual, but I feel you must know that...

TUCKER
(MOCKING VOICE)  I feel you must know that ...
Why do you always talk like you’re better than me?

ROBBIE
I don’t, and I’m just trying to tell you...

TUCKER
Robbie, how many times have you tried to find a box of sheep in an attic?

ROBBIE
I ...

TUCKER
How many?  How many times have you tried
to find a box of sheep in an attic?  How many?

ROBBIE
None.

TUCKER
None?  Zero, as in never ever have you
tried to find a box of sheep in an attic?

ROBBIE
Fine.  I’ll let you work.

TUCKER
Thank you.

TUCKER REACHES HIS HAND BEHIND THE PILE OF JUNK AND WE HEAR A SNAP AND A CRY OF PAIN.  HIS FINGER GOT TRAPPED IN A MOUSETRAP.

ROBBIE
Oooh!

TUCKER GIVES HIM A LOOK.

ROBBIE (CONT’D)
Hey, I was just trying to tell you that pot could fall
on your (POT CRASHES ON TUCKER’S HEAD) head.

TUCKER
AHHHHH!

ROBBIE
I didn’t know we had mousetraps up here.  That’s really old-fashioned.

CUT TO:

LARRY
What was that?

BALKI
Sounded like a Tucker scream.

LARRY
Yes, it did ... What’s going on ...

THEY RUN UPSTAIRS.

CUT TO:

TUCKER
I really feel like hurting someone right now, and
since you’re the only one here besides me ...

ROBBIE STARTS BACKING UP TOWARDS THE DOOR, AND BUMPS INTO SOMETHING THAT KNOCKS A BUNCH OF SHEEP TO THE FLOOR AND A SHOEBOX THAT OPENS UP TO REVEAL A BUNCH OF PHOTOGRAPHS.

TUCKER (CONT’D)
You found it!  What’s this?
Who took these?  They’re really good.

ROBBIE
How would you know?

TUCKER LOSES IT AND STARTS STRANGLING ROBBIE.  DOOR IS OPENED BY BALKI AND LARRY AND A BUNCH OF SHEEP AND PHOTOGRAPHS FALL ON THEIR HEADS AND THEY SEE ROBBIE AND TUCKER WRESTLING WHILE ONE OF THEM HAS A MOUSETRAP STUCK ON HIS HAND.

ROBBIE AND TUCKER
(IN UNISON)  Hi.

DISSOLVE TO:

ROBBIE AND TUCKER ARE ON THE COUCH.  TUCKER HAS HIS HAND IN A BOWL OF ICE WATER.  LARRY, BALKI, MARY-ANNE, AND JENNIFER ARE ALL STANDING AROUND THEM.

LARRY
Tucker, I can’t believe you would
deceive your Uncle like that.

BALKI
Well, I can, but ...

LARRY
You should’ve just told him that you didn’t remember to lock
the door and asked to have the keys so you could do so.
How hard is it to tell the truth?

BALKI
Uhh, Cousin ...

LARRY
Balki, stay out of this.  Tucker is responsible for what happened at your shop,
and he’s going to have to find some way to make it up to you.

ROBBIE
No, Tucker’s not responsible.  I am.

TUCKER
Huh?

ROBBIE
I took Dimitri.  (EVERYONE REACTS)

BALKI
You?!  SFDJSADL;FJS;LD!!!

ROBBIE
I know.  You see, I hung out with some friends before I went
to the shop to lock the door, but by that time I was a little ... buzzed.
At the time, it seemed like a good idea, because, I needed money to fix
my car ... I sort of ... crashed it into a pole last week ... Again.
I figured since Tucker is already a screw-up this incident wouldn’t
make much of a difference...

BALKI
You were drunk-driving?!

ROBBIE
(INDIGNANTLY)  No, don’t be ridiculous!!  I’m not that dumb ...
Geez, give me a line of credit!  I had a sober friend take me to the shop,
and I was NOT drinking when I crashed into that pole.  (SHEEPISHLY)
I just accidentally put the car in R instead of P ... Those letters look so
much alike.  I think I need glasses.

BALKI
Oh, po po!  What you need is a good kick
in the slkjdsfljsldjf!!  You know where to go!

ROBBIE GOES TO SIT IN THE FIREPLACE AMONG THE ASHES.

MARY-ANNE
I can’t believe a son of mine would do something so stupid!

LARRY
Tucker, you still tried to deceive us.  But I can understand why ...
More than you’ll ever know.  I’m sorry for being so stand-offish with you.
I just don’t want you to make any big mistakes, but I guess that’s a pretty . . .

LARRY LOOKS OVER AT ROBBIE IN THE FIREPLACE THEN BACK AT HIS SON WHO HAS HIS HAND IN A BOWL OF ICE WATER.

LARRY (CONT'D)
... lofty expectation.  I’m still not thrilled about you withdrawing
from your classes, but if you’re really serious about studying art,
then, I support your decision.

TUCKER
Thanks, dad.

LARRY AND TUCKER HUG.

BALKI
(TEARFULLY)  Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy!

BALKI AND TUCKER DANCE.

JENNIFER
Mary-Anne, let’s go heat up some ding ding machmud for breakfast.

MARY-ANNE AND JENNIFER GO TO KITCHEN.

TUCKER
Oh, I meant to ask, who took all those pictures we found in the attic?

LARRY
(SHEEPISHLY) Well, I used to want to be a photojournalist
when I was about your age.  That’s how I became a reporter
for the Chicago Chronicle.

TUCKER

You were ... Creative?

LARRY
Well, I like to think I still am, I just ...

BALKI
Your father used to be so crazy about taking pictures!
I remember this one time he took us up on a roof and ...

LARRY
I’m so in the mood for some ding ding machmud!

DISSOLVE TO:

A COUPLE WEEKS LATER.

TUCKER HAS TWO SUITCASES BY HIS SIDE. EVERYONE IS AT THE DOOR BIDDING HIM ADIEU.

TUCKER
Well, this is it!  I can’t believe I’m
finally going to study abroad in Mypos!

BALKI
Oh, Cousin, I’m so excited for you!  Now remember, tell Cousin Apollo
that his sixth cousin Philo is Balki Bartokomous’ fifth cousin three times
removed and is step uncle to your grandfather on Balki’s mother’s side two
continents removed and he should have no problem with you letting him stay with him.
I tried getting in touch, but the phone on Mypos is so far away from his village.

LARRY
... Good luck, Tuck.

JENNIFER
Have a safe trip, honey.

MARY-ANNE
Good-bye, boochi.

BALKI
(BURSTS OUT CRYING) I’m going to miss you my dear little cousin!

LARRY
Balki, Balki, let go.

TUCKER PICKS UP HIS SUITCASES AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR.

TUCKER
Bye everyone!

EVERYONE
Bye!

BALKI AND LARRY WALK OVER TO THE COUCH, AND MARY-ANNE AND JENNIFER SIT NEXT TO BALKI AND LARRY RESPECTIVELY.

LARRY

(SIGHS) I can’t believe my son is going to live in Mypos.
I’m really proud of his sense of adventure.  I think I know where
he got it from.  (LOOKS OVER AT BALKI)

BALKI
Oh, go on with you.

LARRY
We’re quite the American family.

BALKI
Well of course we are, don’t be ridiculous!

LARRY
Yep.  My son is studying abroad on an obscure Mediterranean
island while his Myposian Uncle slash cousin has been living
with me for the past 25 years, and my nephew is sitting in our
fireplace because he stole his father’s stuffed sheep.

CUT TO:

ROBBIE SITTING AMONG THE ASHES.  HE LOOKS PATHETIC BUT ACCEPTING OF HIS PUNISHMENT.

LARRY (CONT’D)
What more could one ask for?

BALKI
(SHRUGS) Lower blood pressure?
Uhhh ... pomegranate flavored ice cream?
Oh wait, wait ... Uhhh ...

FADE OUT. CREDITS.