Like Uncle, Like Cousin

FADE IN:

A SNOWSTORM IS RAGING ON AS WE ZOOM IN ON THE HOUSE WE LEFT IN THE FINAL SEASON.

CUT TO:

LARRY AND JENNIFER ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, ENJOYING SOME WINE AND THE COZY AMBIANCE OF A CRACKLING FIRE.  LARRY WORKS ON A CROSSWORD PUZZLE, AND JENNIFER IS KNITTING.

JENNIFER
Larry, remember all those pictures you took when we first met?

LARRY IS ENGROSSED IN HIS PUZZLE

JENNIFER
Larry??

LARRY
Huh?

JENNIFER
Remember those pictures you took?  Back when you wanted to be a photojournalist?

LARRY
Yeah, what about them?

JENNIFER
Whatever happened to them? I’d like to make a scrapbook. I read in Woman’s Day
magazine that scrapbooking is a good way to cope with Empty Nest Syndrome.

LARRY
Yeah, I read that article, too.

JENNIFER GIVES HIM A QUIZZICAL LOOK.

LARRY

I prefer activities that don’t remind me of my age.  (BEAT)
Hon, what’s a three letter slang word for laughing out loud?

FRONT DOOR OPENS, AND AN EXCESSIVELY BUNDLED UP BALKI ENTERS.  HE IS CARRYING A BIG BOX ONE WOULD GET FROM A BAKERY, AND HE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND HIM WITH HIS FOOT.

BALKI
I made it!  Oh, the roads are terrible!  It reminds me of the time
Mount St. Nokolikus erupted on Mypos ... Only you can’t make lavamen.
(LAUGHS AND LOOKS TOWARDS THE CEILING)  Where do I come up with them?

LARRY
(IN A STATE OF DISBELIEF) Saint Nokolikus?

BALKI
No, no, that would be Saint Rololikus, the patron saint of jokes.
Saint Nokolikus is the patron saint of blocked roads due to lava.

LARRY
(LARRY LOOKS CONFUSED, SO DECIDES TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT)
...What did you bring back from your bakery this time?  Day old
bang bong binki ninki baklava?  I think they taste better stale.

BALKI
No, this time I have bibibabkas!  And they were fresh baked today!  There weren’t many customers today.

JENNIFER
Well, nobody wants to go out.

BALKI
Business was slow yesterday, too.  You’d think people would
want to stock up on some Myposian food before a big storm.

ENTER MARY-ANNE FROM UPSTAIRS.

MARY-ANNE
Oh, my poor boochi!  I was so worried! (THEY EMBRACE AND GIVE
EACH OTHER A LITTLE PECK)  I’ll make you some hot chocolate.

JENNIFER
I’m going to go set the table.

NOW THAT BALKI AND LARRY ARE ALONE, BALKI STARTS TO LOOK OMINOUS AND PULLS LARRY ASIDE.

BALKI
Cousin, I saw the strangest thing today...

LARRY
I thought you were going to the DMV next week.

BALKI
No, it’s not that.  I mean, well, you know your son Tucker?

LARRY
We’re acquainted, yes.

BALKI
Well, I’m pretty sure I saw his ... Evil twin on the way home.

LARRY
Really.

BALKI
Yes.  He was even driving a green 2004 RAV4.
That’s the one Tucker drives, isn’t it?

LARRY
Yeah ... Did it have a University of Wisconsin sticker on the back?

BALKI
Not only that ... It had the same license plate!  Cozin2.

LARRY
Oh my lord!

BALKI
Do you think it’s just coincidence?

LARRY
No!  Balki, that was him!  What on Earth could he be
doing back in Chicago when the semester has just started?!

BALKI
I don’t know.  Maybe he’s homesick.

LARRY
This is his third year of college!

BALKI
Robbie still gets homesick and he’s in his third year of college.

LARRY
Yeah, and he’s only 30 minutes away.  My son is too independent,
too responsible to come home due to a little homesickness.
I raised him that way.  He could balance a check book
before he could stand. I’m going to call him.  (PULLS OUT HIS CELL)

MARY-ANNE ENTERS FROM KITCHEN.

MARY-ANNE
(HANDS BALKI HIS HOT CHOCOLATE)  Here you go boochi.
I put a handful of lucky charms in it, just the way you like it.

BALKI
Thank you.

LARRY
He didn’t pick up.

BALKI
Well, he’s driving in a snow storm.  Cousin Larry, he’s responsible after all.

LARRY
Yeah, when his life is in danger.

BALKI
I’m sure he’ll make it home all right.

LARRY
That’s when it’s going to be in danger.

MARY-ANNE
What’s going on?

JENNIFER ENTERS FROM KITCHEN.

JENNIFER
Can’t we go one day without you saying that?

LARRY
Jennifer, our son is...

LARRY (CONT’D)
Home.

JENNIFER
What?

THEY ALL GO TO THE DOOR.  LARRY OPENS IT TO REVEAL A SMALL, CURLY-HAIRED 20 YEAR-OLD.  HE IS VISIBLY ANXIOUS.

TUCKER
I can explain.

LARRY
Oh, you better!  Uncle Balki saw you today in traffic.
Now tell me what you’re doing home and don’t make up any stories!

BALKI
But Cousin, he carries half of your genetic material.

JENNIFER
Oh, Larry, let him in first.  Come in, Tucker, sit down,
and tell us what happened.  Are you okay?

JENNIFER SHUTS DOOR AND GUIDES TUCKER INSIDE.

TUCKER
Well ... I ... (LOWERS VOICE) withdrew from my classes.

LARRY
(EXPLODING) You what??!!

JENNIFER
Honey, why?

TUCKER
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately, and...

LARRY
Decided that life wasn’t for you?

TUCKER
No, I ... Decided I want to study art instead.  More specifically, Myposian art.

LARRY’S FACE BLANKS WITH INCREDULITY.  TUCKER MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SAID HE WANTED TO STUDY VENTRILOQUISM.

BALKI
(HAPPILY)  Get out of the city!

LARRY
(TRADEMARK HYPERVENTILATING)  Ugh, ugh ... Wh-What about, uh, journalism?
I thought you wanted to be a journalist.  Didn’t you say you wanted to be a journalist?
Didn’t he say he wanted to be a journalist?  You know, I think it would be a really good idea...

JENNIFER
Larry, let him talk.

TUCKER
Well, you know, you said yourself that college is not only a place to learn
about a field of study but also a place to learn about yourself and I learned
that I’m too creative a person to devote the next few decades of my life to
writing about corruption in City Hall and meeting deadline after deadline.
I learned journalism is just not for me and that’s that.

LARRY
Whatever I said, it got lost in teen translation.

BALKI
Oh, I love Bill Murray!

TUCKER
Dad, I know you think it was a waste of time and money, but I withdrew
before the deadline so at least you don’t have to pay a tuition bill this semester.
And I’m going to take care of the rest of my college education from now on.  Don’t worry.

LARRY
Oh, okay.  Let’s eat.  You must be starving ...
Better get used to it.  You want to be an artist after all.

JENNIFER
Larry!

BALKI
Cousin Tucker, your father needs some time to calm down, why don’t
you go into the kitchen and have some of the bibibabkas I brought home.

BALKI PUTS HIS ARM AROUND TUCKER AND GUIDES HIM TO THE KITCHEN.

TUCKER
He’s going to kill me, isn’t he?

BALKI
Of course not, don’t be ridiculous.  If there is one thing I know
about my Cousin Larry it’s that his shark is worse than his height.

MARY-ANNE AND JENNIFER ACCOMPANY TUCKER INTO THE KITCHEN.  BALKI WALKS BACK OVER TOWARDS THE COUCH WHERE LARRY IS STANDING.

LARRY
I’m going to kill him.  Where’s my antacid?
(SPOTS IT NEXT TO THE COUCH, TAKES A GULP)

BALKI
(PATTING HIM ON THE BACK, AND SITS HIM DOWN NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH)
Cousin, cousin.  Is it so terrible for a young man to develop his identity,
and then bravely go forth and try to make something of it against all odds?

LARRY
(EMPATHETICALLY)  Of course not ... (EMPATHY DISAPPEARS BEHIND
A DARK CLOUD)  I just wish his identity was more like mine.

BALKI
Well, then there wouldn’t be any need for the bravely going forth against all odds part.

LARRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.

LARRY
This is unacceptable, Balki.  How would you feel if Robbie walked through
that door and announced that he withdrew from all his classes and decided
to ... Join the circus?

BALKI
I’d be so proud!  I’ve always wanted to join the circus!

LARRY
Yeah, well, easy for you to say.  You’ve never had to worry about college money,
because of that STUPID game show we were on.  You were never supposed to be
on it to begin with.  That scholarship should’ve been MINE!

BALKI
Let’s not open that can of whoop-ass again.
Mary-Anne and I won that fair and square.
Maybe if you didn’t cheat you would’ve had a chance.

LARRY
(DEFEATED)  I Know.  I’m a failure, and that’s why my son is
in the kitchen engorging himself with bibibabkas.

BALKI
Doesn’t he remind you of someone?

LARRY
Yeah, you.

BALKI
Exactly!  I was just about Tucker’s age when I came all the way from Mypos
to America with hardly anything to call my own.  I walked through your door,
and the only thing I was qualified to do was to herd sheep.  But you took me in,
and believed in me.  Now look how far I’ve come!

LARRY
Yeah, you’re still here.  No wonder he’s got problems.

BALKI
Oh, po po!  When things don’t go exactly as you plan, you take it out on me.
Well, I wash my face of you!  I’m going to go do what you should be doing
right now and that’s talking to Tucker ... Not going all baba-sticki-head on him!

A LITTLE LIGHTBULB GOES ON ABOVE LARRY’S HEAD.

LARRY
Balki, that’s a great idea!  Why don’t you just talk to him about how silly
this all is?  You’re his favorite Uncle AND cousin.  He’ll listen to you.

BALKI
I’m not going to tell him to not follow his dreams.

LARRY
Ugh.

BALKI
Cousin, perhaps he’d like to work for me at my
bakery until he figures out what to do next.

LARRY
Really?  You’d give him a job?

BALKI
Well, of course!  What’s family for?

LARRY
I guess there are worse things for my son to become than a
Myposian baker.  Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but...

DISSOLVE TO:

CUT TO:

BALKI IS DANCING AND SINGING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE’S SEXY BACK WHILE OPENING UP SHOP.  BEHIND HIM WE SEE AN OUT-OF-PLACE REVOLVING DOOR TO THE LITTLE SHOP.  TUCKER ENTERS FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP WITH AN APRON AND HAT ON.

TUCKER
Okay, Uncle B, I’m ready to learn the tricks of the trade,
but do I have to wear this apron?  It has a sheep on it.

BALKI
Well, of course it does, don’t be ridiculous!  This is Dimitri’s World!
Oh, cousin, come over here, I want to show you my newest
improvement on the shop.

THEY WALK OVER TO AN ELABORATELY DECORATED GLASS CASE WITH AN EXTREMELY TATTERED STUFFED SHEEP INSIDE, NONE OTHER THAN DIMITRI HIMSELF.  HE RESTS PATHETICALLY ON A PILLOW.

TUCKER
Oh my lord.

BALKI
The kids get a real kick out of seeing the original Dimitri from my cartoon.
I had to put this sign up because Dimitri was getting annoyed.

BALKI GESTURES TO A SIGN THAT SAYS PLEASE DON’T TAP GLASS.  TUCKER SMILES AT BALKI AS IF TO SAY YOU’RE CRAZY.

BALKI (CONT’D)
Your father said I should sell him on Ebay, because it would catch a fair price,
but I could never sell Dimitri.  Remember when you and Robbie used to fight
over him?  Ah, those were the days.  Now, let’s get to work, it’s almost opening time.

THEY WALK OVER TO BEHIND THE COUNTER.

BALKI (CONT’D)
You already know how to make chalkidikis and goat doodles,
but unfortunately, those didn’t sell too well, so I’m sticking to
more subtle Myposian food like moo koo cookies.

TUCKER
Really, chalkidikis are my favorite!

BALKI
That’s because you’re a Bartokomous at heart.

TUCKER
Do you think Robbie and I were switched at birth?

THE DOOR OPENS AND IN COMES ROBBIE WHO HAS A KEY TO THE BAKERY.  HE IS TOO TALL AND DARK TO BE LARRY’S SON.

ROBBIE
Hey, dad, what’s up?  Tucker!  What are you doing here?

TUCKER CLEARLY LOOKS EMBARRASSED AND AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

BALKI
Tucker withdrew from all his classes so he could
study Myposian art.  Isn’t that wonderful?!

ROBBIE TRIES TO LOOK AS ENTHUSIASTIC AS HIS FATHER, BUT HE IS CLEARLY CONCERNED.

ROBBIE
(BALKI-STYLE) ... Wow.  Uncle Larry is okay with all this?

TUCKER
Well ... Not exactly.

BALKI
As they say in Mypos he went sldkfjsajfisjgiogjgu.

THEY BOTH NOD IN AGREEMENT.  THEY BOTH SPEAK FLUENT MYPOSIAN APPARENTLY.

ROBBIE
Well, I can’t stay long, I’m just here for some day-old diggy hot lips.
I have an exam today and they help me concentrate.  (LOWERS VOICE
SO ONLY TUCKER CAN HEAR)  They also cure hangovers...

BALKI
Coming right up!

BALKI EXITS.

TUCKER
(TRYING TO BREAK THE AWKWARD SILENCE)
So what’s your exam on?

ROBBIE
Oh, it’s for a computer literacy course.  I have to take it for my computer
engineering major, even though I already know the material.  I’m so bored
during class.  (WITH AN AIR OF BROTHERLY ARROGRANCE)
So what happened with journalism?  Don’t think you’re cut out for it?

TUCKER
No, it wasn’t too hard or anything, I just didn’t like it.
It’s too stuffy a major.  And my dad’s a journalist.

ROBBIE
So?

TUCKER
So?  So?  He’s so...Dad.

ROBBIE
I see.  Well, I guess the Appletons DO fall far from the tree!
Where do I come up with them?  (DOESN’T SAY THIS QUITE AS
CONGENIALLY AS BALKI)

ENTER BALKI WITH A BAG.

BALKI
Here you are.

ROBBIE
Thanks, dad.  See you later.

BALKI
Good luck on the exam, and don’t forget to perform
the Elefday Ho Hoo Ho Ho Hoo Ho.

ROBBIE
I won’t dad.  Good luck, Tucker.

TUCKER
...Thank you.

ROBBIE LEAVES.

BALKI
I bet it will be nice for you two to hang out a lot
more again now that you’re home!

TUCKER
Yeah...

BALKI
Now first let’s practice the Bibibabka Ditty...

DISSOLVE TO:

LARRY AND MARY-ANNE ARE ON THE COUCH.  BALKI AND TUCKER ENTER THROUGH FRONT DOOR.  BALKI SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.

BALKI
Oh, cousin, you should be so proud of Tucker!

LARRY
Oh?

BALKI
It’s only been two days, and he closed up shop
all by himself without any help from me!

LARRY
That’s five semesters of college for you.

BALKI
That’s for sure. I got a chance to catch up on some paperwork.
Tucker’s been a big help to me.  (TO TUCKER)  Why don’t
you take the day off tomorrow?

TUCKER
No way, you need my help and it’s only been two days.
I’ve got a lot more to learn.  You still haven’t taught me how
to properly sing the moo koo cookies to sleep.

BALKI
No, I insist, besides tomorrow is Sunday so we open
late and close early anyway.  Why don’t you go to the movies
with Robbie and catch up?

TUCKER
I’d rather eat dirt.

BALKI
... By itself?

TUCKER
Yeah.  I’m going to go take a shower before dinner.

LARRY
Good idea ...

TUCKER
I’ll be at the shop early and open up by myself so you can sleep in.

BALKI
Cousin you don’t have to ...

TUCKER
No, I insist.

BALKI
It’s so unnecessary, you..

TUCKER
I insist ...

BALKI
But ...

TUCKER
(GRABS BALKI BY SHIRT COLLAR) I ... insist ... k?

BALKI
K.

TUCKER
Good.

BALKI
Oh, cousin, you didn’t forget to lock the back door to the shop did you?

TUCKER
Of course not, don’t be ridiculous!  What do you think I am, irresponsible?

CLOSE-UP ON LARRY’S FACE REVEALS THAT AN AFFIRMATIVE RESPONSE TOOK PLACE IN HIS HEAD.

BALKI
Just making sure.

CLOSE-UP ON TUCKER’S FACE REVEALS MOUNTING DOUBT, AND THEN THE SUDDEN REALIZATION THAT HE DID INDEED FORGET TO LOCK THE DOOR.  HE RUNS UP STAIRS TO HIS BEDROOM.

CUT TO:

WE SEE TUCKER RUSH INTO HIS ROOM AND PULL OUT HIS CELL.  HE DIALS FRANTICALLY AND WAITS IMPATIENTLY FOR ROBBIE TO PICK UP.  AFTER SEVERAL RINGS, HE FINALLY PICKS UP.

CUT TO:

ROBBIE IS AT HIS DESK STUDYING.  HIS DORM IS A MESS, AND HAS A STRANGE MIXTURE OF TYPICAL COLLEGE KID DÉCOR AND TRADITIONAL MYPOSIAN DÉCOR.

ROBBIE
Yeah?

TUCKER
Robbie, you have to help me, I’ve got a big problem.

ROBBIE
So this must be Tucker.

TUCKER
I forgot to lock the back door to the shop, and I don’t
want Uncle B and my dad to think I’m irresponsible.

ROBBIE
...

TUCKER
(SENSING THE AWKWARD PAUSE)  A little deception
is necessary when dealing with my dad.

ROBBIE
Well, what do you want from me?

TUCKER
You have a key to the shop don’t you?
Can you go by the shop and lock it for me?

ROBBIE
Now? I have to finish studying, then I
was supposed to meet some friends at...

TUCKER
Robbie, please!

ROBBIE
Who’s going to think to break into a little
Myposian bakery anyway?  Don’t worry about it.

TUCKER
Please, you’re talking to an Appleton.

ROBBIE
How could I forget?  The hyperventilating is a dead give away.

TUCKER
Please, I’m begging you.

ROBBIE
Oh, all right.

TUCKER
Thank you!  You promise you’ll go right away?

ROBBIE
Promise.

TUCKER
Oh, thank the Lord.  I owe you one.

ROBBIE
Personally, I’ve stopped counting.  I have to go, later.

ROBBIE HANGS UP.

TUCKER
Later.  (SIGHS WITH RELIEF)

DISSOLVE TO:

Continue . . . .