Payback is Customary

“Are you sure you have everything you need?” Jennifer asked Mary Anne as the two stepped out of their apartment and into the hallway.

“I think so,” Mary Anne replied carefully, checking her purse.

“Wallet?”

“Yes.”

“Money?”

Mary Anne reached in her bag and opened her wallet.  “Yes.”

“The little stuffed Dimitri that Balki made for you?”

Jennifer’s tiny roommate pulled from her purse a pocket-sized toy sheep and giggled as she tickled its fur.  Mary Anne never went anywhere without the special gift from her boyfriend.  With a smile on her face, she gently placed it back in her purse.

“Ok, so you’re sure you have everything?”

“Yes, I have everything,” Mary Anne retaliated.  “I don’t understand why we have to go through this every time we leave the apartment!”

“Because you have a habit of forgetting things at home.”

“Like what?”

“Two weeks ago, you forgot to bring our written requests for flight schedule adjustments.  We ended up working flights to Australia and the Philippines without getting to submit our requests, and because of that we missed the deadline.”

“Ok, so I forgot something important once.”

“A few days before that, we went to the grocery store and you forgot the coupons.  And your credit card!”

“But I remembered later and we came back to get them.”

“Mary Anne, you remembered when we were in the checkout line, after the clerk rang everything through!”

“Ok, ok.  I sometimes forget things.  But I didn’t forget anything this time.  I’ve got my wallet, money and Little Dimitri.  We’re set to go.”

Jennifer paused.  “Do you have the key?”

Mary Anne rolled her eyes.  “No, silly.  I left it in the apartment so I don’t lose it while we’re gone.”

The taller blonde gaped at her friend for a moment before letting out a breath.  “Ok,” she said calmly, “I’m sorry.  Why don’t you lock the door and we’ll go meet the guys?”

“Sure.”  Mary Anne turned to the door and gazed down at the lock for a few seconds as Jennifer looked on expectantly.  “Oh, right!” she realized before turning to Jennifer.  “I’ll be right back,” she said in embarrassment before she went into the apartment to retrieve her key.

Jennifer could only laugh at the comedy of errors.  “Larry will love this one,” she chuckled to herself.

With key in hand, Mary Anne returned to the hall and locked the door behind her.  “Sorry about that.”

“It’s ok, Mary Anne,” Jennifer grinned.  “I have days like that, too.  Let’s go see if the boys are ready.”

The longtime best friends made their way downstairs to their boyfriends’ apartment.  Before she could knock on the door, Mary Anne turned to Jennifer.  “Have you ever noticed how we always seem to visit their apartment, but they don’t spend much time in ours?”

“Sure.  I was thinking about it the other day.”

“Why do you think that is?  You’d think a change of scenery would be nice.”

“Maybe it’s just easier this way.”

Mary Anne shrugged then turned and knocked on the door.  Moments later, Larry opened the entrance with a half smile on his face.

“Hi, girls.  Come on in.”  He guided Mary Anne in then exchanged a gentle kiss on the lips with his girlfriend.

“Are you ready to hit that new coffee shop?” Jennifer asked as she walked in.

“Well, I am, but Balki hasn’t come home yet.”  He led Jennifer to the couch, where Mary Anne stood waiting.  “Please, have a seat.”

“Where is he?” Mary Anne asked as she and Jennifer sat down.

“To be honest, I’m not sure.  He went out a couple of hours ago but didn’t say where he was going.”

“Maybe he just had some errands to run,” Jennifer offered.

“Maybe.  It’s just not like him to run off without telling me where he’s going or how long he’ll be.  He’s very considerate that way.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be too worried, Larry.  I’ll bet he just went off to find some special foods or decorations for a Myposian celebration day, and he just wants to surprise you.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Don’t you like when he does that, Larry?” Mary Anne asked.

“I might if it didn’t end up with me having to wear some garment lade with tassels, bells or garden fungi and eating some sort of goat innards.”  He shook his head.  “I don’t know.  I just have a bad feeling about all of this.”

“Maybe the goat innards were off.”

Jennifer looked at her roommate.  “He hasn’t eaten any goat innards yet.  He’s worried about Balki.”

“Maybe I should go look for him,” Larry said.

“I’m sure he’s fine, Larry.  Balki’s a grown man and he’s lived in Chicago for a long time now.  He can take care of himself.”

Larry paused to think.  “You’re right, Jennifer.  Why am I so worried?  He’s only been gone a couple of hours.  I mean, if anyone can take care of himself, it’s Balki.  After all,” he sniffed confidently, “I brought him up.”

Jennifer and Mary Anne looked to one another with gentle grins.  “You brought him up?”  Jennifer scoffed lightly.

Larry looked to his girlfriend with slight shock, somewhat taken aback that he was being doubted.  “During his time in America, yes.  If it wasn’t for me, he’d still be naïve, gentle and innocent.”

“Oh, so you’re the bad influence!” Mary Anne joked, causing Jennifer to giggle.

As Larry looked on with a puzzled façade, Balki quietly entered the apartment, catching the attention of his friends.  Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne looked on in stunned silence as Balki stood before them, dirtied and tussled from head to toe.  His tired eyes blinked a few times before he did his best to brighten his expression.  “Hi, Cousin Larry; hi, Mary Anne; hi, Jennifer!  Beautiful day today, hoh?”

“Balki,” Larry gasped as Jennifer and Mary Anne made their way over to the boys, “where have you been?  What happened to you?  Are you alright?”

“Oh, I’m fine, Cousin.  I was just out running some errands.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a shower.  It’s dirty work…..running errands.”  He quickly tried to escape to his bedroom, but Larry intercepted him.

“What kind of errands?” Larry asked with suspicion, knowing his cousin’s appearance told a different story.

“Oh, you know.  This and that, and a little bit of the other.”

“Did this, that and a little bit of the other involve tumbling down a mountain of dirt?” Larry quipped as he nodded to Balki’s soiled exterior.

“Oh, this?  Well, this, uh….this….,” Balki stumbled as he tried to come up with an excuse, “it, uh…..”  He paused, composing himself.  “Cousin, you ever have one of those days where you just don’t feel fresh?”

Larry looked at his friend, whose best efforts to be convincing weren’t passing the test.  “Balki, we’re not buying it.”

“Perhaps would you consider taking it for a test drive while I have a shower?”  He tried to dash off to his bedroom again, only to be stopped by his cousin.

“Now wait a second, Balki—“

“Please, Cousin,” Balki interrupted with a tone of urgency in his voice.  “I have to get back to…..running my next set of errands.”

“You’re going out again?” Mary Anne questioned.

“We have plans to go to the new coffee shop with Jennifer and Mary Anne,” Larry reminded his cousin.  “Remember?”

“Well, of course I do, don’t be ridiculous; and I promise you all that I’ll make it up to you.  But I really have to go.” 

Larry stepped in Balki’s way.  “Balki, you’re not going anywhere until you are straight with us.”

Balki looked at his cousin with an expression of shock.  “Cousin!  After all this time, you should know that I like girls!”

“That’s not what I mean by ‘straight’.  We want the truth.”

“But that is the truth!  I only like girls!”

“Not about that!  We want the truth about where you were this morning and where you’re going now!”

“You know, Larry,” Jennifer interceded delicately, “Balki has every right to his privacy.  We shouldn’t badger him.”

Balki panicked.  “You’re going to sic badgers on me?!”

“No, of course not,” Larry replied as Mary Anne went to comfort her nervous boyfriend.  “Jennifer just means that you don’t have to tell us where you were and that we should respect that.”  He struggled for a moment before sighing.  “And she’s right.”  Larry faced his cousin.  “I’m sorry I tried to force you to tell us.”

“Oh, that’s ok, Cousin.  I know you are just concerned.  I can understand why you would want to know why Balki was digging up dirt all morning.”

“Digging up dirt?” Larry repeated.

Balki looked to see that he had inadvertently revealed what he was doing and had piqued the curiosity of Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne.  “Did I say ‘digging up dirt’?” he said with feigned innocence.

“Yes, you did,” Mary Anne replied blankly.

“No, I couldn’t possibly have said that.”

“I heard it, too,” Jennifer added.

Again, Balki looked to each of his friends before taking a stance.  “I don’t think so!” he declared confidently.  “I believe I said…..I said…..‘Ding ding machmoud’.”

“’Ding ding machmoud’?” Larry challenged.

“Yes.  That’s what I said.”

“So you didn’t say you were digging up dirt all morning; you said you were ding ding machmoud all morning.”

Struggling with his conscience, Balki tried to endure.  “Uh…huh.”

“So you were a Myposian dish of pig snout and saffron.”

Balki thought for a moment.  “Is that what ‘ding ding machmoud all morning’ means?  Perhaps my translation is off.  After all, English is not my native tonsil.  Well, off to take my shower now!”

Larry grabbed Balki’s dirty shirt sleeve, sending a spray of dust into the air.  “Ok, now I know there’s something wrong,” he coughed, wafting the dirt particles away from his face.

“What makes you think something wrong is?”

“Because you’re not a liar, yet you’ve been lying to us since you walked through that door.”

Balki paused, ashamed of misleading his friends.  “Ok, Cousin.  You’re right, I was digging up dirt all morning.”

“Well, now that we’ve got that cleared up, do you want to tell us why you were digging up dirt?”  Suddenly, Larry remembered something Jennifer had said to him earlier, and a look of concern overcame his face.  “Oh, no.  Don’t tell me you’ve been preparing for some inane Myposian celebration!”

“Well, sort of.  That’s been kind of a benefit of the digging.  While I was shoveling, I found the ideal grubs for next Wednesday’s celebration of the Pikinokskok Festival, the Myposian commemoration of truffles and spores!  And good news, Cousin; you get to wear the traditional Skamagos headgear while we eat a hearty dish of Veeskeet Mah Bavanous, or what is commonly known as Goat Lung a la Mode!”

Larry sank in place.  “I knew it,” he brooded.

“Wait a second, Balki,” Mary Anne spoke up.  “If that’s a benefit of the digging, then why were you digging in the first place?  And will you save some Veeskeet Mah Bananas for me?”

“Mary Anne,” Jennifer said, “Balki obviously doesn’t want to talk about what he was doing this morning, so let’s leave him alone.”

“Well, ok.  But I just have one more question.”  She turned to Balki.  “Can you use strawberry ice cream for the goat lung?”

“I don’t see why not,” Balki replied.  “On Mypos we usually use rutabaga ice cream, but I’m guessing you don’t have that flavor here.”  He looked at his watch.  “Beeskava tiki!  I’m going to be late!”  He ran to the washroom and closed the door behind him.

As the sound of running water emerged from the bathroom, Larry looked to Jennifer and Mary Anne.  “Something’s not right.”

“No, but what can we do about it?” Jennifer asked hypothetically.  “He’ll talk about it when he’s ready.”

“Perhaps we don’t need to wait for him to tell us.”

Jennifer peered at her boyfriend.  “Larry, what are you planning?”

“You forget, I’m an investigative reporter.  Finding out the story and all of the secrets and hidden angles is my job.”  He grinned.  “If anyone can find out what Balki’s trying to hide, it’s me.  Now, if you’ll excuse me for a moment.”

Suddenly, Larry darted for the washroom and barged in, slamming the door shut behind him.  Jennifer and Mary Anne could hear the running water interrupted by the hasty yanking of a shower curtain followed by Balki’s screech.

“Cousin!  What you are doing?!” the girls heard.

“Come with me!”  Larry’s voice boomed prior to the sounds of a scuffle emitting from behind the door.  Jennifer and Mary Anne looked on with shock as the door burst open and Larry dragged out Balki, who was struggling to keep a towel around his waist.  Larry pulled his cousin to the living area where the girls stood.  Jennifer gasped and covered her eyes as she turned away, while Mary Anne gawked with wide eyes at Balki’s partially covered wet body.  “Tell us where you’ve been!” Larry demanded impatiently.  ‘Tell us, tell us, tell us!”

Shocked and reeling, Balki stumbled in utter disbelief of his cousin’s actions.  “Well, Cousin, what do—“ he began before seeing Mary Anne’s eyes fixated on him.  “AHHH!” he yelped, scurrying behind Larry in order to hide his naked frame from his girlfriend.  Jennifer immediately turned and grabbed Mary Anne, forcing her to face away from Balki.

“Larry, what happened to your investigative reporting skills?” Jennifer snapped with her hand over her eyes and her back to the boys.

“Sorry, girls, but sometimes a reporter has to take action he doesn’t always want to take in order to get the story.”

“You mean you get stories by dragging people out of the shower?”  Mary Anne inquired.  “Wow, it must have been so awkward when you did that article on the nunnery!” 

“I don’t think this is what’s meant as exposing a story!” Jennifer added.

“You could have fooled me!” Balki gasped angrily.  “Cousin, what the meaning of this is?!”

“Balki,” Larry said, turning to his cousin, “you’re hiding something from us!”

“And I’m going to keep it that way!”  Balki retaliated, adjusting his towel.

Larry pressed on, ignoring his cousin’s misunderstanding.  “What are you hiding?”

“Not very much right now!”

“Ooooh!” Mary Anne sang with intrigue as she tried to turn around but was held back by Jennifer.

“Balki,” Jennifer reasoned, “why don’t you just tell us what’s going on?  Then you can put some clothes on, we can go for coffee and Larry can hopefully regain his sanity.”

The Mypiot opened his mouth to protest only to meet the eyes of his cousin.  Balki could see Larry’s look of confidence and reassurance, and he knew he couldn’t keep deceiving his friends.  He sighed as he realized defeat.  “Oh, Cousin,” he began, letting out a deep breath, “you can read me like the back of your hand.  I don’t know why I tried fooling you.”

“So you’re ready to tell us what’s going on?” Larry asked encouragingly.

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“Just give us the bare essentials.”

“I think we’ve gone way beyond that, Cousin,” Balki quipped, eyeing his uncovered body.  “May I get dressed now?”

“Ok.”

“Awwww,” Mary Anne groaned.

“You promise you’ll talk to us when you come out?”  Larry asked his cousin.

“I promise, but I’ll still have to go soon.”

“Fine.”

As Balki dashed into his bedroom to change, Jennifer and Mary Anne turned to face Larry.  “I can’t believe you did that,” Jennifer said.

Larry shrugged.  “It worked, didn’t it?”

Jennifer eyed her boyfriend, her lips slowly growing into a smirk.  “I guess it did,” she admitted lightheartedly. 

“It sure did,” Mary Anne said dreamily, staring in the direction of where Balki exited.  “Is your air conditioning broken?”  she asked, flustered.  “It’s awfully warm in here!”

“At the very least,” Jennifer joked to Larry, “you just guaranteed Mary Anne a good month’s worth of nice dreams!”  She turned to her roommate.  “I’ll get you a glass of water.”

As Jennifer walked to the kitchen, Mary Anne rushed to Larry and gave him an embrace.  “Thank you!” she gushed.  “I never knew tending flock could do that to a body!”  As she pulled back, her hands quickly examined Larry’s arms.  “Hmm, too bad there aren’t any sheepherding schools in Chicago.”

Jennifer returned to the living area and handed Mary Anne a glass of water as Larry pouted while feeling his right bicep.  Moments later, Balki emerged from his bedroom.  Dressed in manual labor working attire of old sheepherder shorts, a Chicago Black Hawks t-shirt and Myposian-designed suspenders, he joined his friends.

“Ok, Balki,” Larry began, “what are you up to?”

“Well, I’m always up for a parsnip roast, but I don’t have time for that now.”

“Not what are you up for; what are you up to?”

“Ohhh, what am I up to!” Balki repeated with understanding.  “Sorry, I’m a little preoxidized.”

“You mean preoccupied?”

“What’s my eyesight got to do with it?”

Larry glared at his cousin.  “Just tell us where you were this morning!”

Balki looked to Larry then to Jennifer and Mary Anne.  He swallowed.  “Cousin, do you remember a couple of weeks ago, when you work late on the Friday?”

“Sure.  I was working on that transit funding article for Marshall and Walpole.”

“Right.  So Balki came home alone that night.  Shortly after I arrive, a delivery man come to the door with a parcel from Mama.”

“Let me guess – the Skamagos headgear for the Pikinokskok Festival?”

Balki looked at Larry with a grin.  “You are good!”

Larry placed an understanding hand upon Balki’s shoulder.  “And you’ve been hiding it from me because you think I won’t want to wear the headgear, take part in the festivities or eat ice cream-topped goat organs,” he assumed.  “Well, I understand that, and as your best friend I can assure you with the utmost confidence that you are absolutely right on all accounts.  See – there was no reason to hide that from us.”  He turned to Jennifer and Mary Anne.  “Let’s go to that coffee shop now.”

“Wait, wait,” Balki said, stopping his cousin.  “That’s not it.”

“Well, it should be, because I’m not partaking in any festival that celebrates the ‘miracle’ of fungi.”

“Cousin, it’s not about the festival,” Balki said sternly.  He paused.  “Would you eat the goat lung if I used Cool Whip instead?”

“Balki—“  Larry said in a tone that warned his cousin to get back on track.

Balki sighed and resumed his explanation.  “Anyhow, when the package come, it come by overnight express, postage due.”

“Your mama sent a package overnight from Mypos, postage due?!” Jennifer gasped. “That must have cost a fortune!”

“Two hundred thirty nine dollars and fifteen cents,” Balki confirmed.  “See, Mama asked Kidi Pannopanous – the potahto-picker from her neighbor’s farm – to ship the headgear to me.  I guess Kidi’s lazy eye had a full-blown nap that day because he accidentally ticked the ‘Overnight Express’ and ‘Postage Due’ boxes on the shipping label.”

“Balki, where did you come up with that kind of money to pay the delivery man?” Larry asked.

“Well, that the thing is.  Balki didn’t have the money; Cousin Larry, you weren’t at home; Jennifer and Mary Anne were working a flight to London; and Mrs. Schleggelmilch was in Atlantic City playing the slops!  But I have to find someone to borrow the money from or the man take the parcel away and send it back to Mama!”

“So what did you do?” Mary Anne inquired.

“I have no choice!  I go downstairs and—“ he paused, knowing Larry’s reaction would not be good, “—see Mr. Twinkacetti.”

“Twinkacetti?!” Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne exclaimed in unison.

“How could you ask Twinkacetti of all people for money?!” Larry cried.  “Wasn’t there anyone else in the building you could have asked?”

“Cousin, I don’t have time to go door-to-door like the A-bomb Lady!  The delivery man wouldn’t wait any longer!”

“So what happened, Balki?” Jennifer asked.

“Well, I go down to the store to see Mr. Twinkacetti and, let me tell you, he was as surprised as a Mypiot who find no eels in his bathing su-it!”

“I don’t doubt it,” Larry said.  “He hasn’t seen you since you quit working for him.”

“Was he happy to see you?” Mary Anne inquired obliviously.

“He must have been.  He remembered me by nickname – Turnip!”

“Wow!”

“Balki, get back to Twinkacetti!” Larry instructed.

“I’ve been trying to, but you won’t let me leave!”  Balki argued.

“I mean, get back to the point in your story where you went to see him about the money!”

“Oh!  Well, I say to Mr. Twinkacetti, ‘Hello, Mr. Twinkacetti!’, to which he replied, ‘I see the turnip truck just dropped off another shipment!’”  Balki looked at Larry.  “I guess the Ritz Discount now sells produce!  I wonder if Mr. Twinkacetti would like some Mypos-grown vegetables for his customers?”

Jennifer interceded.  “Balki, what happened when you asked Mr. Twinkacetti for the money?”

“Well, I tell him I only bother him for the money because no one else is around and it is very important that I pay the delivery man so I don’t lose the package.”

A pained expression came over Larry’s face.  “You didn’t actually tell him how important it was, did you?”

“Well, of course I do, don’t be ridiculous.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

“What you do mean?”

“Balki, when Mr. Twinkacetti gave you the loan, did he tell you when you had to pay it back?”

“Yes, Mr. Twinkacetti was very good to me.  He tell me I don’t have to pay him back for a year!”

Larry and Jennifer both groaned.  “And what interest rate is he charging you?”  Larry inquired.

“How you did know he is charging me interest?”

“The same way I know a cobra will attack anything that comes near it.  All venomous snakes are the same!”  Larry spat.  “Now how much interest is he charging?”

“Seventy-five percent a week.”

“Seventy-five percent?!” Larry and Jennifer echoed in disbelief.

“Mr. Twinkacetti says that’s better than any bank would give me.”

“Any bank from 1950s Russia, maybe!” Larry answered.  “Balki, he’s ripping you off.  Do you know how much seventy-five percent of two hundred and thirty-nine dollars is?”

“One hundred seventy-nine dollars and twenty-five cents,” Mary Anne stated.  Balki, Larry and Jennifer looked over to their friend, who stood silent with a blank expression.

Larry turned back to Balki.  “Balki, Twinkacetti is robbing you blind.”

“Mr. Twinkacetti lose his sight?  That’s awful!”  Balki replied.  “But how he was able to tell that he gave me the right amount of money?”

“He’s not blind, he’s scum!”

“What you do mean?” Balki asked in defense.  “He loaned me the money for the package.”

“Yes, but he’s charging you an outlandish interest rate and has told you to take a year to pay it off!  Think about that for a moment.  Do you realize how much interest you’ll have to pay after a year?”

“Nine thousand three hundred and twenty-one dollars,” Mary Anne replied.  Again, her friends stared at her with incredulity.

Jennifer shook her head.  “Imagine what that brain could do if it wasn’t working on a volunteer basis only!”

“It boggles the mind,” Larry said before facing his cousin.  “Balki, do you have that kind of money?”

“No, but Mr. Twinkacetti offered me another payment plan.”

“Does it involve the donation of your organs…..or limbs?”

“Mr. Twinkacetti said that he will only charge me seventy percent interest if I be his personal lackey!”

Jennifer looked at Balki’s naïve expression.  “Do you know what a lackey is?”

“Well, of course I do, don’t be ridiculous!” Balki scoffed.  “It’s someone who brings good fortune!  Like a leprechaun!”

“A leprechaun?”

“Right!  Just like the one on the box of Lackey Charms cereal!”  Balki smiled.  “Boy, I love that cereal.  Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers and Neil Diamonds!”  He raised his arms.  “I’m Mr. Twinkacetti’s lackey charm!”

“Balki,” Larry began, “that’s Lucky Charms!  A lucky charm is something or someone that brings good fortune.  A lackey is a personal servant!”

“You mean I’m not a leprechaun?”

“No.  You’ve agreed to be Twinkacetti’s servant.”

“Oh,” Balki said despondently.  Immediately, Mary Anne moved over to console her boyfriend.

“And I’ll bet that’s where you were this morning – digging up Twinkacetti’s yard for him, right?”

Balki nodded sadly.

“Don’t worry, Balki,” Jennifer said with reassurance, “we won’t let him do this to you; will we, Larry?”

“Absolutely not!” Larry affirmed with authority.  “I’m going to go to his house and put an end to this right now!  Then, I’m going to give you whatever money you need to pay off your debt to him!  Let’s go!”

As Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne took a determined step towards the door, Balki spoke up.  “Wait, wait!  I can’t let you do that!”

“Balki, you are not his slave,” Mary Anne said.  “He can’t treat you like this!”

Balki paused.  “Yes, he can,” he said quietly.

“What are you talking about?” Larry demanded as Balki moved to the couch and sat down.  “Slavery was abolished in this country over a hundred years ago!”

“Cousin, you don’t understand.  Mypos custom says that when a Mypiot agree to serve someone, then he is a servant for life.  It is the custom of Dorkidiridi.”

“This is not Mypos, this is America!  And here, you are not required to be anyone’s slave!”

“It don’t matter where I am.  As long as I am a Mypiot, I live by Myposian customs.  To disobey a custom from my country would be dishonorable and would be just cause for the members of the Hut of Parliament to strip me of my citizenship.  My family would be shamed and would become outcasts, and they would be exiled to the Isle of Locustopolis.  And believe me, that name was given for a reason!”  He looked at Larry.  “You have to face the facts, Cousin…..I am Mr. Twinkacetti’s Dork.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean out Mr. Twinkacetti’s eaves troughs.  Why he keep pigs on his roof is beyond me, but who am I to question American customs?”  Balki exited the apartment, leaving Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne speechless.

*   *   *

For the remainder of the weekend, Balki rarely saw his apartment or his friends.  Mr. Twinkacetti had taken great joy in keeping the Mypiot busy with any and every menial task he could think of.  While Balki remained true to his promise and refrained from making any complaints, Larry stirred with great frustration over Twinkacetti’s treatment of Balki.  More so, the custom of Dorkidiridi and Balki’s relentless abiding of it annoyed Larry that much further.  While he respected Mypos and its system of values, he couldn’t understand how anyone in the modern era could allow himself to be manipulated to such an extent.

The few times Larry saw Balki that weekend, he did his best to try to convince his cousin to allow Larry to provide a loan to pay off Twinkacetti.  Balki would have none of it and continued to dedicate himself to working off his loan.  Twinkacetti – a man of limited morals dictated by a Napoleon complex – knew Balki was naïve, honest and more than willing to go above and beyond the call of duty, no matter what the price.  Without a moment’s hesitance, he took advantage of that, working Balki hectic all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to the point that Balki did not arrive home on Sunday until close to midnight.

The following morning, Balki was up bright and early in order to get to the Chronicle on time.  His tired and haggard appearance concerned Larry, who spent more time Monday morning watching his cousin than working on the article he was assigned.  Fortunately for Balki, Mr. Gorpley had been scarce that morning and did not witness Balki’s sluggish performance in the mailroom. 

When the lunch break arrived, the first thing Larry did was get Balki to the Chronicle’s cafeteria and order his cousin a full tray of food.  He knew Balki couldn’t have eaten well, if at all, during the weekend, and he wanted to ensure that his cousin was well nourished.  He left Balki to eat with Harriette while he hustled back down to his desk in order to call Jennifer.

“There has to be something we can do,” Larry told his girlfriend during their conversation.  “He can’t go on like this, and Twinkacetti can’t get away with it!”

“Do you have any ideas?” Jennifer asked.

“The only thing I can think of is confronting Twinkacetti by myself, behind Balki’s back.”

“I agree with you, but what about Balki and the Myposian custom?  He said he and his family would be shamed if he didn’t succeed as Mr. Twinkacetti’s—“, she paused, unable to come right out and use the derogatory Myposian term.  She tried again; “—as Mr. Twinkacetti’s…..Dork.”

“You’re right.  I think I’ll just have to make sure that Twinkacetti makes Balki aware that he’s the one letting Balki off the hook.  That way, it’s the debtor ending the Dorkidiridi, which has got to be acceptable, right?”

“I don’t know, Larry.  These Myposian customs always seem to be pretty complicated.”

“I know, I know,” Larry agreed, grimacing.  “What a country!  Have you ever seen anything so small be so complicated?”

“Well…..” Jennifer giggled, hinting obviously.

“Hey!” Larry objected.

“Alright, so you’re not that complicated,” Jennifer teased.

“Ok, then.”  Larry paused before he realized what his girlfriend just said.  “Wait a minute!  I’m not small either.  Five-foot-ten is average height.”

“Five-foot-ten?”

“Alright, five-nine-and-three-quarters,” Larry fabricated unconvincingly. 

Jennifer chuckled.  “You know I’m just kidding.”

Larry smiled.  “I know.”

“Good, because I like you just the way you are!  I have to go now.  Good luck with Mr. Twinkacetti!”

“Thanks, Jennifer!  I’ll let you know how it turns out.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Larry hung up the phone and sat down at his desk.  He pulled out a pad of paper and began trying to think of how he could convince Twinkacetti to let Balki out of his debt.  Larry knew it was going to be a challenge since Donald Twinkacetti was one of most stubborn, seedy, crooked people he’d ever known.  Even though he had not seen his former employer in close to two years, he could see by Twinkacetti’s treatment of Balki that he hadn’t changed…unless it was for the worse.

The first idea that came to Larry was to simply call the police and report Twinkacetti for illegally using someone as a slave.  The thought quickly was dashed from his mind when he realized that there was no real proof of Twinkacetti’s actions other than Balki’s eyewitness statement.  While he knew Balki’s nature would not allow him to lie to the police, he also knew that Balki was willingly acting as Twinkacetti’s personal servant in order to pay off a debt, and that that would make the police virtually powerless to lay any charges against Twinkacetti.

He then thought about the thing that would most entice Twinkacetti:  a better offer.  Larry thought that greed begets greed, and he figured that a gluttonous miser like Twinkacetti would be hard pressed to turn down something that would be more valuable than what he already possesses.  While the idea seemed foolproof, Larry almost immediately realized the flaw:  Twinkacetti had a personal servant and the potential to make close to nine thousand dollars in interest over the next year, and Larry didn’t have anything better to offer.

Larry then thought of the one thing that could work above everything else.  It was so clear, so obvious.  He would strike Twinkacetti’s Achilles Heel.

Determined and confident, he swooped up his blazer from the back of his chair, grabbed his car keys out of the pocket and rushed to the Chronicle’s parking garage.  It was time to put this to an end.  It was time to confront his former employer face-to-face.

*   *   *

Larry stood outside the Ritz Discount store.  He hadn’t been inside since he quit working there, and he had had no regrets about leaving.  It had always been hard for him as an employee of Ritz; he didn’t necessarily dislike the job -- other than the times when he thought he should be a prize-winning photojournalist instead; rather it was his employer that made going to work a chore that resulted in a great deal of antacid consumption.  Mr. Twinkacetti had never treated either Larry or Balki with any kind of respect, compassion or understanding, and he was the quintessential purveyor of insults added to injury. 

At one time, Larry thought he’d never have to deal with Twinkacetti again.  He’d just left his job at Ritz Discount to begin working for the Chicago Chronicle; and Twinkacetti was selling the apartment portion of the building, so Larry knew that he, Balki, Jennifer, Mary Anne and all of the other tenants would never have to worry about their unreasonable, stingy landlord again.  Now, standing outside of the Ritz, he saw through the window the man he didn’t think would ever be able to cause grief to he and his friends again.  ‘Never say never,’ he thought.

Larry was on a mission as he entered the shop with authority.  He looked down from the elevated entry to see Twinkacetti trying to sell an overpriced VCR to a middle-aged woman.  With a serpent-like grin and a slithery tone of friendliness in his voice, the Ritz Discount owner was doing everything possible to convince the customer to purchase the equipment.

“I’m still not sure,” the woman said hesitantly.  “It still seems like a lot to pay.  I think I might be able to get a better deal elsewhere.”

“Ma’am, trust me,” Twinkacetti replied, “you won’t find a better price anywhere else.  I pride myself on charging the fairest price possible.”

She looked at the squat salesman.  “Can you guarantee that?”

Larry could see the frustration overcome Twinkacetti’s face, culminating in the dropping of his eyes from a false brightness to an unmistakable darkness.  “Lady,” Twinkacetti said sternly, “are you familiar with the saying about guarantees in life?”

The woman seemed taken aback by the challenge.  “Well, certainly…” she stumbled.  “There are no guarantees in life.”

“A philosophy I live by.  So buy it or get out.”

“What kind of salesman are you anyway?”

“The kind that doesn’t have time for lookiloos!  Beat it, sister!”  Twinkacetti didn’t so much as bat an eye when the woman gasped in disgust and stormed past Larry and out of the store.  “Eve takes Adam’s rib,” he grumbled aloud to himself as he dusted off the VCR he’d been trying to sell, “and ever since, women have been wanting everything for nothing!”  Twinkacetti turned towards the cash register, only to see Larry standing on the entryway’s steps.  “Well,” he huffed, “if it isn’t Curly the Eighth Dwarf…and Snow White’s favorite Stooge!  What’s the matter, Appleton?  Did the paper finally find a more competent troglodyte to sort the obituaries and now you’re crawling back to me, like a cockroach, for your old job?”

With a direct glare at Twinkacetti, Larry walked directly to his former employer.  “Not on your life, Twinkacetti.   I’m here about Balki.”

“Oh, so the turnip was replaced by a monkey and now he needs a job!”

“Balki is not your personal servant!”  He leaned forward intensely.  “You’re going to leave him alone, right?”

“Appleton, let me explain it so that even you can understand,” Twinkacetti retaliated.  “I gave the turnip a loan, and there is still an empty place in my wallet where two hundred and thirty-nine dollars belongs.  Now, the turnip isn’t able to give me my money, so we made other arrangements.  It’s called an I.O.U.”

“It’s called slavery, and I won’t let you get away with it!” Larry contended.  He pulled out an envelope from his inside breast pocket.  “Here!  Here’s two hundred and thirty-nine dollars, in cash.  The debt is settled, and you can go back to doing whatever it is that gargoyles do!”

Twinkacetti ignored the envelope held out before him.  “I see the vegetative state runs deep in your family.  Think about it, Appleton.  This is the turnip’s debt, not yours; and he can pay it off in ways you never could.”  He darted a look into Larry’s eyes.  “Understand?”

“Yeah,” Larry hissed back, “I understand.  It means nothing to you to take advantage of someone too vulnerable to resist.”

“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong, Appleton,” Twinkacetti smirked. “It means a lot to me.  In this case, about nine thousand dollars and a priceless amount of free labor.”

“I sure am glad you no longer own the apartment building!  By now, you’d have turned off our water, heat and electricity as further collateral for the loan!”

Twinkacetti sighed.  “Yeah, I miss being able to do things like that.”

Larry stuffed the envelope back into his pocket.  “Tell me something, Twinkacetti.  What does your wife think about all of this?  I mean, suppose word of your little scam got back to her.  How do you think she’d react?”

“Wise up, ingrate.  I wear the pants in the family, not my wife.”

“That’s funny,” Larry said, feeling he was getting the upper hand, “I seem to recall that Mrs. Twinkacetti is awfully fond of Balki, and that anytime she found out you were treating him poorly, she had something to say about it; and your tune changed pretty quickly.”

“So if that’s the case, do you think the turnip would still be working off his debt?”

Larry suddenly realized, as Twinkacetti attempted to stare him down, that his former employer was right.  He was sure Mrs. Twinkacetti would have not only immediately freed Balki from his position as her husband’s personal servant, but she would have ensured that Twinkacetti paid for his mistreatment of Balki.  Larry knew that Twinkacetti’s wife was his only true vulnerable spot, but for one reason or another he seemed impervious to his weakness.

“Is that all you’ve got, Appleton?” Twinkacetti dared.  “I saw better debates at my kid’s grade school election!”

Knowing he’d lost the round, Larry refused to show Twinkacetti any weakness.  “This isn’t over, Twinkacetti.  We’ll free Balki from your tyranny yet!”

“’We’?  You mean you and the turnip?  Well, now there’s a threat.  Your combined brain power couldn’t light a match!”

“And a lit match would still have more warmth than you!”

A look of sarcasm appeared on Twinkacetti’s façade.  “Gee, you got me there,” he huffed.  “Look out Don Rickles.”

“You haven’t seen the last of me,” Larry growled before turning away and walking towards the door.

“Next time you come, bring the turnip.  I’ve got a chimney that needs sweeping!”

Larry paused at the door, turned and glared at Twinkacetti, who leaned against the counter with a smirk on his face.  He then stormed out of the store.

Continue on to Part Two . . .