Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 98 - New Kid on the Block

First Air Date: October 5, 1990
Filming Date: August 22, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 11.8 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Bill Daley
Directed by: Greg Antonocci

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markkam
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Alisan Porter: Tess Holland

Guest Cast:
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Andrea Walters: Mrs. Holland

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is first seen sitting on the bookcase, and then when Tess enters and she and Balki play boochi tag she grabs Dimitri off the shelf to be safe.

Balki-isms:
"Thank you for reaching out and touching me."
"Mama always told me, ĎWhen you go to the park, donít talk to older men.í"
"Heís writing an article on Big Jim Morris who is dancing in the park with older men."
"And now, last but not yeast . . . "
"Oh, is that so, Mr. Spock?"
"Are you going to have a nervous breakdance?"
"Sheíll be pleased as lunch."
"Oh, these are my favorite!  Toll booth cookies!"

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode (although it is muffled since Balkiís mouth is taped.)

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Oh my Lord!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki looks into Larryís mouth as Larryís trying to explain how to pronounce something
Larry grabs Balki by the ear
Balki picks Larry up and carries him around

Songs: "Express Yourself" - sung by Tess while wearing headphones and listening to the stereo
"I Wanna Dance with Somebody" - also sung by Tess while wearing the headphones

Interesting facts:
-
Balkiís comment about Larry seeming to "give a hoot and not pollute" was popularized in the 1970's and on by a character named Woodsy Owl, created by the United States Forest Service to encourage children not to litter.
- Andrea Walters, who played Mrs. Holland in this episode, had recurring parts in both Roseanne and The Wonder Years and is still making the appearances in television shows and movies.
- Tess was actually meant to be regular character in the series, but she only ended up appearing in this episode.  She also had a scene in the episode Family Feud but her brief segment was cut from the aired show.
- Alisan Porter, who played Tess, was "discovered" on Star Search as a junior singer finalist and went on to become the youngest contestant to win on the show.  She was a regular on the series Chicken Soup and had a starring role in the 1991 film Curly Sue.  Alisan now mostly focuses on her music career, and you can visit her official MySpace page to hear songs from her band, The Alison Porter Project, as well as view videos!
- It should be noted that director Greg Antonocci (spelled Antonacci on IMDb) made a couple of notable appearances as Hector on Laverne and Shirley (remember . . . the guy who wrote their names on the wall of the men's room?)

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
In this episode the telephone which is normally sitting on the counter is now on the end table by the couch.  The placement of the can crusher probably had something to do with this, although the can crusher is gone by the next episode and the phone is back in its usual place.
- Balki explains to Larry that Tess and her mom have moved in upstairs and later Tess is able to drop water down on Larry from the window above.  But donít Mary Anne and Jennifer live right above Balki and Larry?  After all, Jennifer dropped Mary Anneís television from the window above in the episode Threeís a Crowd and Balki tapped out a message in Morse Code to them on the ceiling in A Blast From the Past.
- Why couldnít Balki have babysat Tess upstairs in her apartment?  And why was Tess still with Balki the next day?  The latter can be explained if you peruse the Script Variations below.
- When Tess turns on the stereo, she has her coat on when she starts dancing.  A second later when the camera cuts back the coat is gone.  Technically she could have pulled it off, but the way itís cut doesnít allow much time for a child to get their coat off.


Synopsis:
The episode begins with Balki using a wall-mounted can crusher to crush an aluminum soda can.  He then moves like a basketball player to the dining room where he slam dunks the crushed can through a small basketball hoop into a basket full of crushed cans.  "Thatís one small sip for Balki . . . one giant slam dunk for the environment!" Balki exclaims.  The telephone rings and Balki runs to the end table to answer it.  "Thank you for reaching out and touching me," Balki answers, "Who is this?  Oh, Mrs. Holland!  Mrs. Holland, how are you?"  Balki climbs onto the back of the couch to sit.  "No, youíre not interrupting anything.  I was just crushing my can . . . crushing my can.  Well, certainly I can babysit Tess tonight.  Yeah."  Larry enters the apartment, extremely excited.  "Balki!" he exclaims.

"No, thatís no problem," Balki tells Mrs. Holland as Larry runs to the couch.  "Balki!" Balki turns away from Larry to continue talking on the phone.  "No, itís . . . just bring her over any time," Balki assures Mrs. Holland.  Larry runs around to stand in front of Balki and again says, "Balki!"  Balki again turns his back on Larry to continue his phone conversation.  "Uh, yeah, weíll have lots of fun."  Larry sets his briefcase down on the coffee table and starts pulling out wadded up pages of note paper from his pockets.  "Okay.  Okay, Mrs. Holland," Balki continues, "and thank you for using AT&T."  Balki hangs up the phone.  "Balki . . . you are not going to believe what happened today!" Larry begins.

Balki eyes the wads of paper and then picks them up, exclaiming, "Cousin, you picked up garbage!  Iím so happy you decided to give a hoot and not pollute."  "No, no, Balki," Larry says, stopping Balki and taking his papers back, "Balki . . . what looks like garbage to you are notes on the most important story to hit Chicago in years!  While I was down at City Hall this morning covering a meeting of the department of public works, I saw . . . Big Jim Morris."  "You saw Big Jim Morris?" Balki exclaims, then asks, "Whoís Big Jim Morris?"  "Big Jim Morris!" Larry answers, "Heís a crooked contractor whoís been banned from doing business with the city.  So you tell me, Balki . . . what was Big Jim doing talking to two city Aldermen?"  Balki thinks about this, then replies, "I wouldnít know, Cousin. Mama always told me, ĎWhen you go to the park, donít talk to older men.í"

"Not older men," Larry corrects, "Aldermen.  Aldermen."  Balki looks into Larryís mouth to see the pronunciation.  "He was talking to Aldermen.  Well, I knew something was afoot so I spent the rest of the day digging up enough evidence to prove that Big Jim is still involved with dirty dealings."  Balki gasps, "I loved that movie!  Patrick Swayze was brilliant!"  Balki dances like Patrick Swayze in the movie.  "No . . . no," Larry corrects, "Not ĎDirty Dancing.í  Dirty dealings.  Dirty dealings."  Again Balki looks at Larryís mouth.  "Phony contracts, payoffs, bribes.  Balki, this is my big break.  Iíve got the jump on every reporter in this city.  If I can get this story in tomorrowís edition, youíll be rooming with a journalistic superstar!"  Balki looks amazed and exclaims, "Sam Donaldson is moving in?"  "No!  No!" Larry snarls, "Not him!  Me!  Me!  Iíll be a superstar!"  "Tough break for Sam," Balki sobs. "Listen to me," Larry says.

Balki is still walking away from him, so Larry reaches over and grabs Balkiís ear to pull him back.  "Balki, listen to me!  Listen to me!  Tonight I donít want any phone calls."  Larry pinches Balkiís ear and Balki cries, "Got it!"  "I donít want any interruptions!"  "Got it!"  "I donít want any distractions of any kind!"  "Got it!  Got it!  Got it!" Balki answers each time Larry pinches his ear harder.  Larry releases Balkiís ear.  Balki reaches over and pinches Larryís ear in return, causing Larry to yell, "Ow!"  "Cousin, I got it," Balki assures him, "No phone calls, no noise, no nothing."  There is a knock at the door.  "That must be Tess," Balki says, "Weíre babysitting tonight."  Balki hurriedly runs to the door before Larry can say anything.  He opens the door to reveal Mrs. Holland standing with her daughter, Tess.

"Hello, Balki," Mrs. Holland smiles.  "Could you excuse us for just a moment?" Larry asks, and he closes the door on them and turns on Balki, asking, "Who are these people?"  "Cousin, thatís . . . thatís Mrs. Holland and her daughter, Tess," Balki explains, "Theyíre our new upstairs neighbors.  If youíd do the laundry once in a while youíd meet people."  Balki rolls his eyes.  "Balki, why are we babysitting on the one night when I need absolutely quiet?" Larry snaps.  "Because I made a promise, Cousin, and I need to keep my promises," Balki counters, "You wonít even know Tess is here."  Balki opens the door again.  "Hey, Balki, letís play boochi tag!" Tess says.  She steps forward and taps Balki on the arm, taunting him with, "Boochi, boochi, boochi!"  Balki chases Tess into the kitchen, where Tess hides behind the counter and Balki runs right past her.  Balki stands, looking confused, as Tess doubles back and grabs Dimitri off the bookcase.

"Iím safe!" she says, "I got the boochi!"  "Ooh! Youíre good!" Balki exclaims, running over and picking her up.  "Uh, Balki . . . uh, arenít you going to introduce me to your friends?" Larry asks.  "Oh, Iím sorry," Balki says, then lifts Tessí head up and tells her, "Boochi break."  He carries her back to the doorway and sets her down.  "Um, Mrs. Holland, I want you to meet my cousin, Cousin Larry Appleton," Balki introduces, "Heís writing an article on Big Jim Morris who is dancing in the park with older men."  "Balki," Larry motions not to say any more.  Mrs. Holland shakes Larryís hand and says, "Nice to know you, Larry.  I really appreciate your taking care of Tess.  Well, I better scoot.  Now Tess, you be a good girl."  "I will, Mom," Tess promises.

Mrs. Holland kisses her on the cheek and hands Tessí coat to Larry, saying, "Bye bye."  She leaves.  "Bye bye," Larry calls after her, and closes the door, hanging up Tessí coat.  "Letís party!" Tess exclaims.  "Tess, dear," Larry begins, "Tonight is quiet night.  And Balki is gonna show you a lot of quiet things to do, arenít you, Balki?"  "Yes, Cousin," Balki replies.  "Good," Larry smiles, and he sits on the couch to begin his work.  Tess tosses Dimitri aside and taps Balki, saying quietly, "Boochi boochi boohi!"  Balki touches her nose and responds, "Boochi, boochi, boochi!"  Tess starts chasing Balki around the apartment, giggling and stomping and making noise despite not talking.  At one point they run in front of Larry but creep by on tiptoe, which is just as bad of a distraction.  Larry looks frustrated as the two continue to tear around the apartment, even jumping on the couch and playing around Larry.

Later that evening, Larry is working in the apartment alone.  Walking around behind the couch, Larry checks a sheet of paper against a notepad, his back turned to the front door.  The door suddenly bursts open and a yellow ball flies in and hits Larry on the back.  Larry turns just as Balki rushes in the door and falls into him, knocking the both of them over the back of the couch and onto the floor.  Tess roller skates in after Balki.  "You missed me!" Balki says to Tess.  "Iíll get you next time," Tess promises, as she skates away to remove her coat.  Balki gets up, pulling Larry up by his chin.  "Balki, I . . . I thought you were gonna play outside so I could get some work done," Larry says.  "Cousin, weíve been outside for two hours," Balki points out, "Itís cold and dark and . . . some big kid wants my shoes."

Tess turns on the stereo full-blast and starts dancing to a hard rock song with the lyrics, "Sheís wicked, nasty and mean as a girl can be . . . "  Balki also starts dancing to the music, much to Larryís frustration.  "Balki . . . could you possibly do something about this?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, she donít know where the volume control button is," Balki explains.  "Yes, I do!" Tess says, pulling the knob off the stereo and handing it out to them, "Here!"  Balki carries it over to show Larry, but Larry gives him a look that could kill and Balki hurries back to the stereo to replace the knob.  Balki turns the sound down a bit and asks, "Howís that, Cousin?"  "Lower," Larry says.  Balki lowers the tone of his voice and asks again, "Howís that, Cousin?"  "Turn it down!" Larry snarls wickedly.  Balki turns it lower and asks, "Better?"  "Turn it down," Larry insists.  Balki turns it even lower then asks, "Better?"  "Turn it down," Larry repeats.

Balki turns the volume all the way off.  "Perfect!" Larry sighs happily, "Enjoy!"  "Tess, maybe youíd like to wear the earphones," Balki suggests.  "No," Tess answers.  "But, why not?" Balki asks.  "Earphones mess up my hair," Tess explains.  "Oh," Balki says, walking back to Larry, "Cousin, earphones mess up her hair."  Larry is losing patience and jumps over the back of the couch, grabbing the earphones from Balki and leaning over to Tess to put them on her anyway.  "Here, Tess . . . your hair looks even nicer like this!"  Larry wraps the cord around her once and plugs it into the stereo.  As Larry turns away, Balki grabs him by the back of the neck and pulls him into the kitchen.  "Cousin, donít you think youíre being just a little hard on her?" Balki asks, "The girl just wants to have fun."  "Well, Balki, the next time she wants to have fun just tell her no," Larry suggests.  Balkiís mouth drops open in horror.  "I cannot believe what you just said!" Balki gasps.  "What did I say?" Larry asks, "I just told you to tell her no."

Balkiís mouth drops open again.  "You said it again!" Balki gasps, "What kind of monster are you?"  "Balki, occasionally a child will do something wrong and you have to say . . . "  Balki jumps at Larry, pointing his fingers at Larryís mouth.  " . . . that word," Larry finishes.  "Cousin, on Mypos we never say no," Balki explains, then realizing heís said the word he looks startled and makes a bizarre kind of signal with his hands to ward off the evil of the word, "We believe that children should be allowed to grow like wild flowers on the side of the mountain; their little faces turned up toward the sun."  "Hey girls!" Tess says, listening to Madonnaís "Express Yourself" through the headphones while singing it aloud, "Do you believe in love?  Well, I got something to say about it.  Donít go for second best, baby . . . put your love to the test . . . "  Balki starts to dance to Tessí singing, much to Larryís exasperation.  "Balki!" Larry yells.  Balki jumps up and asks, "Is that too loud for you, Cousin?"

"No, no," Larry says, "Iíll barely be able to hear it down at the office."  Larry gathers his papers and briefcase from the coffee table.  "Well, Cousin, if . . . if you get lonely you can call us up and she can sing it to you over the phone," Balki suggests.  "Thank you," Larry says sarcastically.  "I wanna feel the heat with somebody," Tess sings, now doing Whitney Houstonís "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."  Larry grabs his coat and starts to walk out the front door, giving Balki and Tess one final look of frustration.  "Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody!" Tess sings.  Balki squats behind her and lifts her up into the air in dancing leaps as she sings, "Say you wanna dance!  Donít you wanna dance?  Say you wanna dance!"  Still later that evening, Larry returns home.  He walks in the front door and finds Balki tied to a chair on top of the kitchen table, his mouth duct taped.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry exclaims as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins with Larry stepping up onto a chair so he is eye level with Balki on the table.  "Were we robbed?" Larry asks.  "Dnn mmm rrrimimumous," Balki replies, the tape still over his mouth.  "W . . . well, did you get a good look at who did this?" Larry asks, reaching over to pull the tape off Balkiís mouth."  "Tess did it," Balki explains.  "Well, Iím not surprised," Larry says, "What did she take?" Larry looks around.  "Cousin, we were playing cowboys and Mypiots," Balki continues.  "And you lost?" Larry asks.  "No, I won," Balki smiles.  "Balki, donít you see that letting her do whatever she wants has turned her into a monster?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, sheís not a monster," Balki insists, "Sheís a sweet, high-spirited little girl.  Listen, could you untie me? I, uh . . . I had a big glass of iced tea about an hour ago."  Balki squirms uncomfortably in the chair as Larry starts to get down off the chair to untie him.

The next day in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle, we see a man working on the sprinkler system for the building.  Mr. Wainwright is standing by Larryís desk, reading his article.  "Good story, Appleton," Mr. Wainwright nods, "Iím putting it on page one."  He hands the pages back to Larry.  "Thank you, Mr. Wainwright!" Larry smiles happily.  "But itís too long," Mr. Wainwright adds, "Take out a hundred words."  "Yes, sir," Larry agrees, "Iíll get it to you as soon as I can."  "Youíll get it to me in ten minutes," Mr. Wainwright corrects then walks up the stairs. "Ten minutes, of course, sir," Larry agrees, chasing after him, "Yeah, you can count on me!  I know this is a very important opportunity and when I first joined the paper . . . "  Mr. Wainwright stops to say, "Nine and half minutes . . . "  Larry runs back down the stairs to his desk and takes off his watch, setting it on top of the lamp to keep track of the time.  "All right, okay," Larry says, looking over his article to find words to delete, but continually checking the watch, "Nine minutes and fifteen seconds . . .  Nine minutes and ten seconds . . . "

He starts to check it every second, counting, "Nine . . . eight . . . seven . . . six . . . oh my God!  Iím freezing up!"  Larry fights the panic as Mr. Gorpley walks out of his office and approaches him.  "Okay," Mr. Gorpley says angrily, "Where is the Mypiot?"  "Heíll be late," Larry answers.  "Well, he had better get here soon," Mr. Gorpley warns, "I need him to find out what is going on around here.  Somebodyís been pushing all the elevator buttons, leaving phones off the hook . . . and thereís a Barbie doll stuck in the mail chute."  Mr. Gorpley walks back to his office as Larry says, "Well, I gotta get to work."  Larry sits down at his desk and starts to work when he suddenly looks startled.  "A Barbie doll stuck in the mail chute?" he asks himself, standing up and gasping, "Sheís here!"  Balki enters from the loading dock with Tess riding on his back.  "Okay!" Balki says, "Weíre almost done with our mail delivery."  Tess is taking letters out of the mailbag and tossing them into the air.

"Now, uh, Mr. Gorpleyís mail," Balki says, "Thatís right."  Tess reaches into the bag to take out a handful of mail and tosses it toward Balkiís worktable.  "Thatís right," Balki says, watching as the mail falls to the floor, "Very good!  You almost got it in the box this time."  Balki walks over to Larryís desk.  "Okay, and last but not yeast, Cousin Larryís mail," Balki says.  Tess pulls some letters from the bag and throws them over Larry, shouting, "Air mail!"  "Very funny, dear," Larry smiles, trying to control himself, "Uh, would you excuse us for just a moment?"  Larry grabs Balki and pulls him aside, but since Tess is hanging into his back sheís goes right along with them.  "Why did you . . . ?"  Larry turns to talk to Balki and finds Tess still smiling at him and giggling.  "Come on, here we go," Larry says, taking Tess off Balkiís back and setting her on the floor, "Here we go . . . go on . . . go on and play."  Tess stops at Larryís desk and picks up a stamp pad, stamping the papers on his desk.

"Why did you bring her here?" Larry asks.  "Well, she wanted to come," Balki explains.  "Balki, people do not bring children to the workplace," Larry states.  "Oh, is that so, Mr. Spock?" Balki asks, "Well, for your information on Mypos we always bring children to the workplace."  "Well, Balki, on Mypos the workplace is a field," Larry points out, "and the worst damage a child could do is to trample a gourd.  Now this is a major metropolitan newspaper and I have to finish a story in exactly . . . "  Larry checks his wrist for his watch, which isnít there.  "In exactly . . . "  Larry turns to look at his watch on the desk but itís not there, either.  "Whereís my watch?  Where is my watch?  My watch is gone!  Whereís my watch?"  "I have your watch," Tess calls from across he room where sheís sitting by a pneumatic tube, "Now you see it . . . "  She opens the flap and sticks the watch inside where it gets sucked up the tube.  " . . . now you donít."  Larry turns on Balki, who quickly puts the mailbag over his head to hide.

A bit later, Balki comes through the door at the top of the stairs.  "Cousin," he calls, coming down the steps, "Cousin, Iím . . . Iím sorry I . . . I took so long.  I . . . I found your watch in the sports department."  Larry stands up at his desk as Balki approaches and hands him a piece of the watch.  "And . . . and in the advertising department," Balki adds, placing more pieces into Larryís hand.  "And . . . in the . . . the classified department.  And . . . this doesnít go with the watch but isnít it pretty?"  Balki hands Larry the last piece.  When Larry doesnít say anything, Balki asks, "Are you going to have a nervous breakdance?"  Larry places the pieces of his watch into a coffee cup.  "Balki, nothing can spoil this day," Larry says, "In less than an hour the Chicago Chronicle hits the streets with my story on the front page."  "Cousin, thatís wonderful!" Balki says happily, "Wait Ďtil I tell Tess.  Sheíll be pleased as lunch."

"Where is the little darling?" Larry asks, "Donít suppose itís too much to hope the police have her?"  "Cousin, sheís with Miss Lydia," Balki answers, "who, unlike you, has the patience to nurture a child."  Tess bursts through the upstairs door and runs down the stairs with Lydia in hot pursuit.  "Wait Ďtil I get my hands on you, you little devil child!" Lydia screams.  Tess hides behind Balki, crying, "Donít let her get me!"  "Uh, uh, Lydia! Lydia!" Larry says, holding onto her, "Wh . . . what is going on?"  "That little monster left me a note!" Lydia says, turning her back to them where they can see a smiley face and the words "Tess was here" written in white-out on the back of her black jacket.  Mr. Gorpley walks out of his office, holding up a finger and saying, "Okay, okay, okay . . . okay, who covered my telephone in peanut butter and jelly?"  Mr. Gorpley holds up his other hands which is covered in peanut butter and jelly.

Larry and Balki look shocked while Lydia looks somewhat amused.  The elevator door opens and Mr. Wainwright steps out, saying, "I just got a melted chocolate bar in the interoffice mail."  He holds up his hand which is covered in melted chocolate.  Everyone looks at it with disgust.  "I want an explanation, Gorpley!" Mr. Wainwright insists, crossing to him.  "We have got to get her out of here!" Larry says quietly to Balki, then he looks around and asks, "Where is she?"  "Hey everybody!" Tess calls from the landing at the top of the stairs, "Look how big I am! I can reach this!"  She reaches up to the fire sprinkler cutoff switch.  "That turns on the sprinklers!" Larry cries.  "Noooo!" everyone yells.  But too late.  Tess pulls the lever and the fire sprinklers turn on, soaking everyone.  Tess dances in the falling water.  Larry looks at Balki, who puts a file folder over his head and looks guilty.

Back at the apartment, Balki is sitting on the couch and Larry walks to a laundry basket on the floor and drops in his wet clothes.  "Itís been quite a day, hasnít it?" Larry asks, walking over to sit on the couch, "Let me run the highlight film for you, Balki.  For the first time in seventy-five years the Chicago Chronicle didnít publish.  But what do I care?  At some time in the next seventy-five years maybe Iíll get another chance to have a story on the front page.  And who do we have to thank?  Tess the Terrible and her Mypiot babysitter!"  Balki, who has been looking straight ahead during this speech, sighs and then looks at Larry.  "Iím sorry, Cousin, I wasnít paying attention.  I was sitting here . . . sitting here thinking maybe I was too lenient with Tess."  "No!" Larry says sarcastically.  Balki smiles and says, "Thanks, Cousin, but you canít change my mind."

There is a knock at the door and Balki gets up to answer it.  Tess enters and hands Balki a plate of cookies.  "My mother said I should give these to you . . . and thank you for taking care of me."  "Oh, these are my favorite!" Balki says, "Toll booth cookies!"  "Are you mad at me because I made it rain on your newspaper?" Tess asks.  "Oh, Iím not mad at you," Balki assures her, taking her hand and leading her to sit on the ottoman by the fireplace.  Balki kneels down to speak to her.  "Uh . . . Iím not mad at you but . . . but . . . you . . . you . . . you shouldnít have turned on the sprinklers.  That was wrong.  But I was also wrong because I shouldnít have let you do whatever you wanted to do.  It got us all into a lot of trouble."  "Does . . . does this mean we canít be friends any more?" Tess asks.  "We can still be friends," Balki says, "but Iím going to have to say a word to you that . . . Iíve never said to a child before.  Iím . . . Iím going to have to . . . to say . . . . . no."

"I can live with that," Tess replies.  "Oh, Tess!  Tess!" Balki cries, bowing down at her feet, "I canít expect you to understand why anyone would ever want to say such an ugly word!  But sometimes in life you just have to . . . "  "Balki!  Balki!" Tess calls.  Balki looks up and asks, "Yeah?"  "I get it," Tess smiles.  "You . . . you do?" Balki asks with surprise.  "Yeah," Tess assures him.  "You . . . you donít mind?" Balki asks.  "No," Tess answers.  "Oh. Well, in that case thereís more," Balki continues, "Iím going to have to ask you to do something you might not want to do."  "Like what?" Tess asks.  "Like apologize to Uncle Cousin Larry for everything you did today," Balki says.  Tess walks over to the couch and sits down next to Larry.  After a moment, she says, "Iím really sorry that I got you all wet . . . and Iím sorry I got you in trouble with your boss . . . and Iím sorry I broke your watch."

"Well . . . thatís okay," Larry replies, "It was an old watch.  But youíre gonna have to be a little more careful from now on."  Tess nods, saying, "Yeah.  Yeah, I will."  "Okay," Larry says.  "Well, bye Larry," Tess offers, getting up from the couch and crossing to Balki.  "Bye bye," Larry says.  Tess gives Balki a hug and says, "Bye, Balki."  Balki kisses her on the cheek and Tess leaves.  Balki gets up from the floor and he and Larry walk to the kitchen.  "Well . . . I guess sheís not so bad after all," Larry sighs as they meet at the counter, "You know . . . Iíll never forget the look on Wainwrightís face when that water hit him.  Was it me or did you see steam rising from his head?"  Balki thinks about this, then asks, "Are you asking . . . did . . . did I see steam rising from his head or did I see . . . you rising from his head?"  Larry tries again.  "Iím asking was it me or did you see steam rising from his head?"

Balki thinks this through again then asks, "Okay, okay . . . are you asking . . . was it me who saw steam rising from his head or was it you who saw steaming rising from his head?"  Once again Larry tries, "Iím asking was it me or did you see steam rising from his head?"  Balki thinks about it a long time and finally answers, "Yes.  Now I have one for you.  Was it me . . . or was that Miss Lydiaís beauty mark sliding down her cheek?"  After a moment Larry answers, "It was you . . . it was definitely you sliding down her cheek."  Both Larry and Balki are left completely confused.  "Balki!  Hey, Balki!" Tessí voice calls from somewhere outside the window.  Balki walks over and opens it, looking up the fire escape.  "Hi, Tess!" Balki calls.  "I want to talk to Uncle Cousin Larry," Tess says.  "Oh!" Balki says, pulling back inside the window, "Cousin Larry . . . come . . . come and talk to Tess.  I think she wants to be friends."

"No," Larry says.  Balki walks over and picks Larry up and carries him to the window.  "Cousin Larry, you come over to the window.  She came all the way down here to make friends and say she was sorry.  The least you could do is stick your head out the window and say hello."  "Okay, okay," Larry agrees, "I . . . guess I havenít been very nice to her."  Larry sits on the windowsill and leans out the window, looking up and calling, "Hi, Tess!"  A second later heís hit with a large amount of water in the face while Tess laughs.  Soaked, Larry slowly comes back in the window and stares at Balki angrily.  Balki eyes Larry and finally asks, "Is it me . . . or is that steam rising out of your head?"  Balki laughs, then turns to run as the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There were some small differences between the Shooting Draft script dated August 21, 1990 and the aired episode:
At the beginning of the first scene, Balki is putting trash into the waste basket near the kitchen and stomps it down with his foot.  His foot gets caught and he struggles to get it loose, which he finally does.  Then the phone rings.  When he talks to Mrs. Holland he tells her, "No, you weren't interrupting anything.  I was just standing in garbage."
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There are slight differences in the dialogue during the first scene.  When Larry says he's seen Big Jim Morris at a meeting of the Department of Public Works, Balki says, "Wow.  Big Jim Morris!  You saw Big Jim Morris?  Who's Big Jim Morris?"  Instead of saying he knew something was afoot, Larry says, "I figured he was up to no good . . . "  Balki does not imitate Larry on the word "need," which is not emphasized in the script.  Balki doesn't tell Mrs. Holland that Larry is writing a story about Big Jim Morris in this version.  After Tess' mother leaves, Tess says, "Let's party!  Want to play Nintendo for money?"
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At the start of the second scene, Larry gets up and heads for the kitchen to refill his coffee cup when the ball comes flying through the door and hits him.  Balki does not run into Larry and knock him over the couch in this version.  Instead, Balki runs in and says, "You missed me."  "I'll get you next time," Tess warns, and she runs to pick up the ball but Larry gets it first and says, "No you won't."  Then Larry says to Balki he thought they were going to play outside.
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The first scene of Act Two was originally longer.  After Balki asks Larry to untie him because he had a big glass of iced tea about an hour ago, Larry starts to untie him.  "Uh-oh," Larry says sympathetically, then adds, "Well, at least she's gone, and we'll never have to see her again."  "Shhh, Cousin," Balki scolds, "She might hear you."  "She's still here?" Larry asks.  "She's asleep in the bedroom," Balki explains, "Tess's mother called to say she had an emergency at work and won't be able to pick up Tess till tomorrow."  "Oh, I see what's going on here," Larry says, "Tess's mother is never coming back.  She's going to call us every twelve hours until Tess is eighteen."  "Mrs. Holland is going to pick Tess up tomorrow afternoon," Balki explains, "Cousin, are you almost done?  I promised I'd wake Tess when you got home so we could all play Boochi Tag."  Larry starts to tie Balki up again.  "Cousin, what are you doing?" Balki asks.  Larry ties tighter.  "Oooh.  That's tight," Balki notes.  Larry puts the tape back across Balki's mouth and says, "Goodnight, Balki," then exits to his bedroom.
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At the Chronicle, when Mr. Gorpley asks Larry where the Mypiot is, Larry explains, "He'll be late.  We had a pest problem at the apartment and he's taking care of it."
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In the next scene when Larry tells Balki nothing can spoil his day since his story will be on the front page of the newspaper, Balki says, "Cousin, that's wonderful.  Wait 'til I tell Tess.  She'll be happy as a lamb."
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When Tess is at the sprinkler cutoff, Larry yells, "That turns on the sprinklers!" and everyone but Balki yells, "No!"  Tess pulls on the handle but nothing happens.  "See?" Balki asks, "Nothing bad happened.  Of course poor Tess may have to spend years in therapy to repair the damage to her delicate psyche after hearing all of you yell the "n" word.  You should have your mouths washed out with Scope."  "The sprinklers must be broken," Larry sighs with relief, "This is my lucky day."  As he speaks, the sprinkler system turns on and water pours down on them.  Tess laughs.
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In the last scene, when Balki says he thinks maybe he was too lenient with Tess and Larry sarcastically says, "No," Balki says, "Cousin, you're entitled to your opinion, but I think I'm right."
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According to the script directions, Tess was to stand by the arm of the couch while apologizing to Larry.  Someone must have realized that the scene would play better with Tess sitting beside Larry on the couch instead.
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When Larry looks out the window to say hello to Tess, she calls down, "Boochi, boochi, boochi.  You're it!" before hitting him in the face with the water and laughing.

Continue on to the next episode . . .