PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE

EPISODE 93 - This Old House

First Air Date: March 30, 1990
Filmed on: February 15, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 13.1 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Terry Hart
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons

Guest Cast:
Michael Mitz: Elliot
Stephanie Shroyer: Hope
Michael Ayr: Mr. Henderson
Kim Alexander: Mrs. Henderson

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is seen at the beginning of the episode being given a spray bath by Balki.

Balki-isms:
"Oh . . . the greatest center in the history of basketball."
"I think, uh . . . Cream was one of the best groups in the history of rock ‘n roll."
"Well, Cousin, I agree we’re in debt up to our chandelier . . . "

Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"I have . . . a plan."  "Oh God."
"Tell me something I do know."  (A slight variation on "Tell me something I don’t know.")
"Wait a minute."
"Oh my Lord!"
"But nooooo . . . "

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has a plan
Larry makes some kind of outrageous excuse for Balki, as in this case when he tells a couple that Balki’s from an eastern block country which are all in a state of confusion
The Dance of Joy
Larry responds to a misconception of Balki’s glibly so they can move on
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry cries and whines

Songs:
"Sunshine of Your Love" - Balki imitates the famous guitar riff from this Cream classic using a broom as his instrument
"The Merry Old Land of Oz" - sung by Balki with different lyrics as he cleans the stair banister

Interesting facts:
- Two weeks before this episode aired, Bronson and Mark again hosted a night of TGIF on March 16, 1990 the night that the episode Poetry in Motion was rerun.  You can view these spots on our YouTube Channel.
- The title of this episode is derived from the long-running home improvement PBS series This Old House, originally hosted by Bob Vila.
- Balki makes a comment about Suzanne Somers returning to prime time.  Little did anyone know that Balki’s wish would come true two seasons later when Suzanne starred in the Miller / Boyett series Step by Step, which would also become a part of TGIF.
- The establishing shot of the Victorian house which Larry and Balki buy should be familiar to TV fans.  It’s none other than the Mork & Mindy house, located in Boulder, Colorado!
- During the filming of this episode, Bronson kept laughing every time Rebeca would say the line "It’s so big!"  To read more about the filming of this episode, check out our On the Scene . . . report.
- Once again we are treated to a Wizard of Oz reference when Balki sings a snippet of The Merry Old Land of Oz with lyrics that fit the situation.  Undoubtedly Bronson loved these references to his favorite movie of all time.
- The characters of Elliot and Hope are an in-joke, as the actors hired to play the couple resemble Timothy Busfield and Mel Harris, who respectively portrayed the characters of Elliot and Hope on the ABC’s drama series, thirtysomething, although those characters were not married to each other in the series.
- Actor Michael Mitz, who was undoubtedly hired because of his resemblance to Timothy Busfield, actually played a "faux Elliot" on thirtysomething!  Michael has since become a photographer and you can visit his website by clicking here.
- The expression "Take a bite out of crime" is that of the National Crime Prevention Council and their spokes-character, McGruff the Crime Dog, created in 1980 as a means of raising crime awareness in children.
- The second couple, Skitch and Florence Henderson were another in-joke.  Skitch Henderson was a famous pianist, conductor and composer who worked for MGM Studios in the glory days of Hollywood.  Actress and singer Florence Henderson is best known for playing Carol Brady on The Brady Bunch.  Again, these people were not married and unlike the previous couple the actors playing the parts bear no resemblance to their namesakes.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- The "For Sale by Owner" sign on the fence outside the home is very obviously superimposed over the establishing shot of the house.
- In this episode Balki says Mama told him never to do the Dance of Joy alone or he would go blind.  But Balki performed the Dance of Joy alone before in the episodes First Date (where he taught everyone how to do it alone), Dog Gone Blues and Better Shop Around.
- After Skitch offers one hundred and twenty thousand dollars for the house and Balki acts excited about it, Larry pinches his arm and at that moment you can see the shadow from some of the crew moving across the stairs and floor on the right side of the screen.

Synopsis:
The episode begins in the apartment where Balki is sitting at the dining table with Dimitri.  Balki has a spray bottle and a brush, and sprays Dimitri with water.  "Dimitri, I know you don’t like baths but if you insist on crawling behind the refrigerator I have no choice."  Balki starts to scrub Dimitri with the brush.  Larry rushes in through the front door carrying a manila envelope.  "Balki!" he says, running to the table and sitting down, exclaiming, "All our dreams are about to come true!"  "Suzanne Somers is coming back to prime time?" Balki says excitedly, hugging Larry.  "No.  No, Balki, that’s your dream," Larry reminds him, "What I mean is we are going to be rich!"  "Cousin, I’d love to be rich," Balki says, "but don’t that require money?"  "No.  No, you don’t understand," Larry continues, "We are going to be rich but first we are going to buy a house."  "I’d love to buy a house!" Balki says happily, "But again, don’t we have that same pesky money problem?"

"No!  No, we don’t!" Larry answers, "I just came from a seminar called ‘Dare to Make a Fortune.’  It shows you how to buy a house for no money down.  It was brilliant.  Now . . . I have . . . a plan!"  "Oh God," Balki gasps.  "A plan that is going to make us both rich beyond our wildest dreams!" Larry states.  "Cousin, I’ve been keeping some notes on plans you’ve had over the years."  Balki gets up and reaches down to pick up a huge book with Myposian decorations on the cover from the bookshelf beneath the window.  He tosses the voluminous tome onto the table and sits back down.  Balki opens the book as a reference.  "Seven of your plans have cost me money . . . thirteen of your plans have cost me pride and dignity . . . and three of them eventually required an ointment."  Balki closes the book and pushes it aside.  "Okay, fine," Larry says, "If you don’t want to ‘Dare to Make a Fortune,’ I guess that’s up to you."  "Well, thank you for letting me off the hook so easily," Balki says, taking up the brush again to resume cleaning Dimitri.

"If you want to reject a basic principle of the American way of life, I guess you can do that," Larry continues.  "All right, can we just skip to the part where I give in?" Balki asks, "Because this is really eating up my day."  Larry throws his arm around Balki and says, "All right, partner.  Now here’s the plan.  We buy a house.  We get the owner to carry back paper.  We don’t need money because the seller takes a second, reimburses the buyer for the amount of the down.  You understand?"  "Everything except the part that came after ‘All right, partner,’" Balki replies.  "Trust me, Balki, I’ll guide you through it," Larry promises, "After we buy a house for no money we fix it up a little and then we sell it.  We use the profits to buy a better house.  And then we sell that house for an even bigger profit and so on.  So what do you say, Balki?  Shall we ‘Dare to Make a Fortune?’"  "Well . . . why not?" Balki agrees, "Today I . . . I went to the park and some kid dared me to eat a bug.  I got through that."  Balki licks at his teeth as Larry eyes him incredulously.

We see a large Victorian-style home. Inside, there are drop cloths and newspapers scattered about the empty house.  Larry is looking at paint sample fan deck, holding it up against one wall.  "White . . . eggshell . . . cream," Larry says to himself as he tries to decide which color is best.  We hear Balki’s voice on the second floor saying, "Mary Anne, check out these floors.  They’re peg ‘n groove!"  "Balki?" Larry calls.  "Yeah?" Balki asks as he comes down the stairs carrying a broom.  "What do you think of cream?" Larry asks.  "Oh . . . the greatest center in the history of basketball," Balki answers.  "Not Kareem," Larry clarifies, "Cream.  Cream.  C-R-E-A-M."  "Oh, Cream," Balki laughs at his mistake, "I feel like an idiot.  I think, uh . . . Cream was one of the best groups in the history of rock ‘n roll."  Balki picks up the broom like a guitar and starts doing the riff from "Sunshine of Your Love."

Jennifer and Mary Anne, who are dressed in their stewardess uniforms, come down the stairs.  "Girls, what do you think?" Balki asks.  "Guys, I’m impressed," Jennifer says, "This house is beautiful."  "Yeah, and it’s so big!" Mary Anne adds.  "Tell me something I do know," Balki says, "This house is as nice as the palace of the King of Mypos only instead of a stairway coming down from the bedroom his serene highness has a waterslide.  Cousin, I was wondering . . . "  "No," Larry answers immediately.  "Uh, I . . . couldn’t we put in a waterslide?" Balki asks.  "No," Larry repeats, "No major remodeling.  We’re just gonna clean the place up, slap on a new coat of paint, turn it over for a quick profit and we move on to our next house."  "That sounds great," Jennifer comments, "Who are you going to hire to do the work?"  "Well, we’re gonna do it ourselves," Larry informs her.

"Oh," Jennifer responds.  Mary Anne doesn’t say anything.  "Ladies, I’m picking up a little doubt here," Larry notes, "Balki and I know what we’re doing.  We don’t need any professional help."  "Well, you’re right," Jennifer says, "You . . . you’ll probably do a great job."  "Wanna bet?" Mary Anne asks her.  "Uh, Mary Anne, come on," Jennifer says, "Uh, we’re gonna miss our flight."  Jennifer and Larry kiss, Larry saying, "Bye bye."  Balki kisses Mary Anne on both cheeks, then takes the broom and sweeps it over her feet.  Mary Anne giggles, "You’re sweeping me off my feet again!"  She and Balki both laugh and poke playfully at each other, Balki saying, "Get outta here."  Mary Anne and Jennifer then head for the door, Mary Anne calling, "Bye!" to them as they leave.  "Okay, let’s get to work," Larry says as he reaches for a tall ladder.  "Okay," Balki says, then adds, "Cousin, maybe . . . maybe the girls were right.  Maybe we should have hired professional help."  "Oh, nonsense," Larry argues, "A professional would cost us money and we’re here to make a fortune, not to spend one.  All right . . . let’s get started."

Balki bends down to pick up a little bucket with brushes in it as Larry turns, swinging the ladder around and barely missing Balki.  Balki stands back up.  "Oh, uh, Balki, wanna grab that drop cloth?" Larry asks.  "Oh sure," Balki says, bending back down to pick up the drop cloth as Larry swings the ladder back over his head, again barely missing him. "I tell you what," Larry suggests, handing Balki the ladder, "You set up the ladder and, uh . . . I’ll get the brushes."  "Okay," Balki says.  "All right," Larry sighs, reaching down to get the brushes as Balki turns, swinging the ladder over Larry’s head, barely missing him, and then around again.  "Oh, Cousin?" Balki asks as Larry catches the ladder as it’s about to hit him.  "Ooh!  Careful, Balki," Larry smiles, "A ladder is not a toy."  "Cousin, you’re absolutely right," Balki agrees, "Thank you."  They both turn around and the ladder swings with Balki and hits Larry right in the nose.

We see an establishing shot of the house with a "For Sale by Owner" sign on the fence, then the words "Two Weeks Later" come up.  Inside the house, Balki is cleaning the stair banister and singing, "Spritz spritz spritz, rub rub rub and a couple of tra-la-las; That’s how we shine the banister in this merry old house of ours."  Larry rushes in the front door and says, "Balki, a car just pulled up.  We are going to have this house sold by lunch."  There is a knock at the door and a man and woman enter.  "Uh, we saw the sign out front," the man says.  "Oh yeah, come in.  Come on in," Larry welcomes them, "Uh, take a look around."  "I’m Elliot," the man introduces himself, "This is my wife, Hope."  "Oh, hi," Balki smiles as he shakes Hope’s hand.  "I’m Larry.  This is my cousin, Balki," Larry smiles.

"How much are you asking for the house?" Elliot asks.  "A hundred and fifty thousand dollars," Larry answers.  "Unless you went to the ‘Dare to Make a Fortune’ seminar, in which case you know how to get a house for free," Balki adds.  "Forgive him," Larry offers, "He’s from an eastern block country.  They’re all in a state of confusion.  Why don’t you take a look around?"  "Thanks," Elliot says, then motions to his wife, "Honey?"  They walk through a door.  As soon as they’re gone, Larry slaps Balki on the back of the head.  "What is the matter with you?  They are going to buy this house.  If you’ll keep your mouth shut we could be on our way to being filthy rich!"  Elliot and Hope emerge through another door.  "You know," Elliot observe, "This house is exactly like the one we saw down the street."  "I like the other house better than this one," Hope says.  "You mean the one they built on top of the old cemetery?" Larry asks.

"Uh . . . would you excuse us for a minute, please?" Elliot asks.  He takes his wife aside and Larry and Balki try to listen in.  "Honey, the only difference is the other house has new doors and a fancy chandelier in the entry," Elliot points out, "and they’re asking twenty thousand dollars more than these guys want for this place."  Larry and Balki are leaning toward the couple, then pull back when they turn to look at them.  "I think we should snap this place up before somebody else buys it," Elliot says.  "Let’s do it," Hope agrees.  They turn to Larry and Balki.  "Okay, we’ll take the house," Elliot announces.  "Cousin, we sold a house!" Balki exclaims happily, "Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy!"  Balki starts doing the Dance of Joy but Larry walks down the steps to the couple.

Balki follows anxiously, saying, "Cousin . . . Cousin . . . Mama told me never to do the Dance of Joy alone or I would go blind."  "I’m sorry, the house is not for sale," Larry says.  "But . . . but you just said it was," Elliot points out.  "Cousin, he’s right," Balki agrees, "I was right here.  I heard you."  "I know," Larry says, "But, uh . . . well I was born in this house . . . and so were my parents . . . and all my close friends.  The memories just came rushing back and, well . . . it’s just not for sale.  I’m sorry."  He leads them to the door, saying, "But I hope you find something else . . . and maybe in the neighborhood."  "I . . . I really like this house," Elliot protests, "I’d like to buy this house."  "I’m sorry," Balki offers as they leave.  "Very nice to meet you," Larry adds as the couple leave.  "Cousin, I thought you were born in Madison, Wisconsin," Balki says.  "I was," Larry answers.

"And they moved this house all the way from Wisconsin?" Balki asks with amazement.  "Yes," Larry answers, "Balki, didn’t you hear what those people said?  If we put in some new doors, some fixtures and a chandelier, we could get an extra twenty thousand dollars for this place."  "Wait a minute," Balki says, "You weren’t born in this house.  I bet not even half your friends were born in this house.  You just want to make more money."  "Yes, I want to make more money," Larry admits, "And if we do a little remodeling that’s exactly what we’ll do.  Balki, I have . . . a plan!"  Balki looks upward and mouths, "Oh God."  "We are going to ‘Dare to Make a Bigger Fortune!’" Larry states.  "And me with no ointment," Balki says worriedly and the scene fades to black.

Some time later, Balki and Larry are getting ready to hoist a huge chandelier up to the high ceiling in the entryway.  They are wearing workman’s overalls.  "Well, Balki, we’re in the home stretch," Larry says, "All we have to do is hang this chandelier then we can sell this baby and move on to our next house."  "Cousin, you’re turning me into a believer," Balki says, "The house looks great and you got a good deal on this chandelier."  "Yeah . . . great chandelier," Larry observes, "You know, life is funny.  The Driscoll Hotel is condemned . . . hundreds of people lose their jobs . . . bad for them, good for us."  Larry smiles and Balki gives him a look.  "Come on," Larry says, "Let’s hoist this baby into place."  The chandelier is attached to a pulley with a rope hanging down by the stairway.  Larry and Balki grips the rope.  "All right, ready?" Larry asks.  "Yeah," Balki replies.

"Pull," Larry prompts, and they both start pulling in earnest at the rope but the chandelier doesn’t budge an inch off the floor.  Larry lets go of the rope and assesses the situation while Balki continues to pull, not realizing Larry has let go.  "Are we there yet?" Balki asks.  "No, it’s not working," Larry reports.  Balki is surprised to see he’s pulling the rope alone and that it hasn’t budged.  "Balki, we’re using too much brawn, not enough brains," Larry states, then he eyes the staircase and says, "What we need is more leverage.  Balki, follow me."  Larry leads them up the steps on the outside of the stair banister.  They walk up until they are well above the floor and can reach the rope that’s hanging down.  "Grab on to the rope," Larry instructs.  Balki spits on his hands and takes hold of the rope.

Balki jumps off the step as Larry also grabs on to the rope.  "You ready?" Larry asks.  "Yeah," Balki says.  Larry jumps off the step and their weight pulls the chandelier upward as they slowly drop to the floor.  "There we go," Larry says, "Balki, a couple more jumps off the stairs and we’ll have this baby in place."  There is the sound of tinkly music coming from somewhere outside.  "Cousin!" Balki cries, "Cousin!  You hear that?"  "What?" Larry asks.  "It’s the ice cream truck coming down the street!" Balki cries, and he lets go of the rope to run outside.  "Huh?" Larry asks as the weight of the chandelier starts to pull him up into the air.  "Whoa!  Balki!  Balki!  Balki!"  The chandelier gently drops to the ground and Larry is left hanging up high.  Balki comes back in and eyes Larry, offering, "Sorry, Cousin."

Later, the chandelier is in place on the high ceiling.  Larry is at the top of a very tall ladder, screwing bulbs into the fixture.  Balki climbs up the other side of the ladder with some more bulbs.  "Well, Balki, we’re in the home stretch," Larry notes, "All we have to do is finish putting in these light bulbs then we can sell this baby and move on to our next house."  "Well, Cousin, if we do we’ll have to start a new category for your plans," Balki says, handing Larry another bulb.  "Yeah?  What’s that?" Larry asks.  "Plans that work," Balki says, then he laughs at his own joke and slaps Larry, knocking him slightly off balance.  Larry hangs on to the chandelier and keeps his balance but warns, "Whoop . . . ho . . . careful."

"Sorry," Balki offers.  "Let’s just finish putting in these light bulbs," Larry suggests.  Balki starts to help with the bulbs, reaching out to pull an empty socket closer to them.  Balki suddenly slips from the ladder and hangs onto the chandelier, which spins.  Larry is also pulled off the ladder, hanging on to the chandelier as it goes around.  "Get the ladder!  Get the ladder!" Larry cries.  They both try to hook the ladder with their legs as they go past. A s Balki reaches for it he accidentally kicks the ladder, which rolls away.  They are left hanging on the spinning chandelier, Larry giving Balki a dirty look and Balki looking chastened.

Still later, Larry and Balki have managed to pull themselves up into the chandelier where they are sitting.  "Well, Cousin, we’re in the home stretch," Balki says sarcastically, "All we have to do is find a way to get down from here and then we can sell this baby and move on to our next house.  I don’t suppose you went to a seminar on how to get out of a light fixture?"  Balki laughs at his own joke, mouthing, "Where do I come up with them?" and shaking one of the strands of crystals.  He stops nervously when the chandelier shakes.  "Come on, Balki, we can get through this," Larry says, "It’s not like we’re the first guys to get stuck in a chandelier."  "Cousin, let’s be honest," Balki suggests, "Jennifer was right.  We . . . we should have hired professional help.  I mean, cleaning and painting were easy but now we’re in over our heads.  In fact . . . I think we’re in over most people’s heads."

Again Balki laughs at his own joke and slaps his knee, then Larry’s back, making the chandelier shake again.  "Well, who had time to hire professional help?" Larry asks, "We’re racing against the clock.  We gotta sell this house within the next ten days."  "Wait a minute, why are we in such a hurry?" Balki asks, "I was hoping to join the neighborhood watch and take a bite out of crime."  "Balki . . . there’s part of the plan I didn’t tell you about," Larry confesses.  "Nothing good can follow that sentence," Balki observes.  "It’s true we bought the house for no money down," Larry explains, "but in ten days our house payment is due."  "Uh huh," Balki hums, "Just out of curiosity, how much would that house payment be?"  "A hundred and forty thousand dollars," Larry answers.  "A hundred and forty thousand dollars?" Balki gasps.

"I got a thirty day loan," Larry says, "I thought that’s all we needed.  Who knew?"  There is a knock at the door and Mary Anne and Jennifer enter.  "Yoo hoo!" Mary Anne calls, looking around and saying, "Well, they said they were gonna be here."  "Larry, Balki, are you here?" Jennifer calls.  "Yes," Larry answers.  "We’re up here," Balki admits meekly.  The girls look up at the guys sitting on the chandelier.  "Hi, guys!  The house looks great!" Mary Anne smiles.  "You should see it from up here," Balki says.  "This a bad time?" Jennifer asks.  "No, no . . . no, no, no, no, no, no," Larry assures her, "We’re just finishing up.  C . . . c . . . could you just slide that ladder over here?"  "Okay, I owe you twenty bucks," Jennifer says to Mary Anne, who looks smug.  They walk over to get the ladder.

Once again we see the "For Sale by Owner" sign in front of the house, this time with the words "Ten Days Later" on the screen.  A couple are walking to the front door and Larry is chasing them.  "If you don’t like the color we can repaint," Larry tells them, "I . . . I wanted to go with cream.  I . . . I thought it would look really nice in here . . . "  The couple leaves.  Larry walks to Balki, who is writing on a notepad.  "Looky-loos," Larry dismisses the couple, "Balki, we haven’t received a single offer.  Our house payment is due.  If we don’t get at least a hundred and forty thousand dollars for this house we’ll be ruined."  "Well, Cousin, I . . . I agree we’re in debt up to our chandelier but . . . I figured it out.  If we sell everything we own we’ll only be short . . . one hundred and thirty-two thousand dollars."  Larry starts to cry.  Balki puts a hand on his shoulder and says, "Cousin, I can see nothing’s going to cheer you up."  Larry continues to cry and whine, pointing to Balki’s figures.

A couple comes down the stairs behind them.  "Are you the owners?" the man asks.  "Oh . . . I know," Larry sighs, "The color’s wrong.  The rooms are too small.  Thanks for stopping by."  "Well, yes, but we’re still interested in the house," the man says.  "You are?" Larry perks up.  "We’re the Hendersons," the man introduces them, "I’m Skitch and this is my wife, Florence."  "Hello," Florence smiles.  "Well, you’re just in time," Larry says, "My associate and I were just considering which offer on the house to accept."  "We were?" Balki asks.  "Oh, you’ve had a lot of offers?" Mrs. Henderson says worriedly.  "Yes," Larry assures her.  "We have?" Balki asks Larry.  "Yes, but we can always consider another one," Larry says, "Don’t you agree, Balki?  Balki?  Balki?"  Larry slaps Balki’s back to get him to catch on.  "Yes, yes," Balki agrees, "In fact, if we had one more offer it might help us to decide which offer to accept."

"Well, how much are you asking?" Mr. Henderson inquires.  "A hundred and seventy thousand dollars," Larry answers.  "A hundred and twenty," Mr. Henderson offers.  "A hundred and twenty!" Balki says excitedly, but Larry pinches his arm.  "You know, in some parts of the world an offer that low would be considered an insult and my associate would have to beat himself with a leather strap," Larry smiles, "I would like to point out that the chandelier alone is worth ten thousand dollars.  You won’t find another one like it anywhere."  "Unless another hotel goes belly up," Balki adds.  "All right, a hundred and forty thousand," Mr. Henderson offers.  Balki looks up at the chandelier in time to see it start to pull loose from the ceiling, hanging only by a few wires.  Balki lets out a cry of alarm.

"I know, I know, Balki," Larry says, "I’m a little shocked at their offer myself.  A hundred and forty thousand dollars?  Mr. Henderson, you can’t expect me to seriously consider an offer that low."  Balki looks up to see the chandelier drop even more.  "Cousin!  Cousin!  Cousin!" Balki gasps desperately, pointing upward.  "He’ll come up," Larry assures him, "Mr. Henderson, my price is a hundred and seventy thousand dollars firm."  The chandelier drops down again.  "Cousin, Cousin," Balki says as the Hendersons turn away to talk about it.  "No, Balki, I’m not coming down," Larry insists.  "It’s not your coming down that’s worrying me," Balki explains, then asks the Hendersons, "Would you excuse us?"  Balki takes Larry aside.  "Cousin, the chandelier is falling!"  Balki points out.  Larry looks up to see it hanging by one wire.

"Oh my Lord!" Larry gasps, "We gotta close this deal fast!"  "No, no, no, no, Cousin," Balki says, "We can’t sell them a house with a falling chandelier!"  "Balki, if we sell the house I promise I’ll hire a professional to fix the chandelier," Larry says, trying to get back to the Hendersons.  "You promise?" Balki stops him.  "I promise," Larry says.  "Okay," Balki agrees, and they hurry back to the couple.  "A hundred and seventy thousand dollars, you’ve got yourself a house," Larry says as he and Balki shakes their hands, "Why don’t we walk out to my car and sign the papers?"  "Why don’t we run out to your car?" Balki suggests, and they try to hurry the Hendersons to the door.  "Wait a minute, wait a minute," Mrs. Henderson asks, "I’ve lost my contact lens."  She is about to look on the floor under the chandelier when Balki and Larry grab her arms and lift her up the steps and out of harm’s way.

"Oh no no no!" Balki cries.  "There’s a free set of contact lenses come with the house," Larry smiles.  "But I’d like my contact lens, please," Mrs. Henderson says, trying to go look again.  Balki and Larry stop her.  "No, no, no," Larry and Balki insists, then look at each other.  "We’ll . . . we’ll do it together," Balki suggests, as he and Larry walk to the edge of the steps and look up nervously.  "Ready?" Balki asks.  "Yeah," Larry answers.  They lunge down the steps and throw themselves on the floor, crawling around desperately on their hands and knees as they search for the wayward contact lens.  Occasionally Larry looks up nervously at the chandelier dangling precariously above them.

Finally Larry cries out, "I’ve got it!  I’ve got it!" and he picks up the contact lens and they run to the Hendersons.  "There you go," Larry says, handing the lens to Mrs. Henderson.  "Thank you very much," she says.  "No trouble," Balki assures her.  "Is something wrong?" Mr. Henderson asks suspiciously.  "No!  No, no," Larry scoffs, "Everything is fine and congratulations, you just bought yourself a house for a hundred and forty thousand dollars."  At that moment the chandelier drops from the ceiling, falling in slow motion.  Everyone watches in horror as the fixture crashes to the floor, pieces of crystal and metal scattering in all directions.  "Okay, a hundred and thirty five thousand," Larry offers.

Back at the apartment, Balki and Larry are sitting by the fireplace.  Balki is again figuring on his notepad.  "Well, Cousin, I figured it out.  ‘Daring to Make a Fortune’ only cost us forty-two dollars . . . a month . . . for the rest of our lives."  "I’m sorry, Balki," Larry offers, "I guess I just let my greed hormones run wild again.  I could have sold the house for a nice little profit, but noooo.  It wasn’t enough for Larry Appleton."  "Noooo, it wasn’t," Balki agrees.  "I wanted more," Larry sighs.  "Yes, you did," Balki nods.  "Well, I learned my lesson," Larry adds.  "Oh, I doubt that," Balki argues.  "No, Balki, I did," Larry insists, "In fact next week I’m taking a seminar: ‘How to Profit from Your Mistakes.’"  "Well, Cousin, if there is a profit to be made from mistakes, you’re gonna be a rich man," Balki observes.  On Larry’s reaction the episode ends.

Script Variations:
There were some things in the Shooting Draft script dated February 14, 1990 which didn't make it into the final episode:
- In the script, Balki is said to be cleaning Dimitri with upholstery cleaner.
- After Larry says that Balki can reject a basic principle of the American way of life he could do that, Balki says, "Thank you again."  "But as a citizen of this great nation I've got to tell you, I'd rather see you spit on the flag," Larry continues.  "Cousin, I wouldn't spit on the flag," Balki insists.  "It sure sounds like it," Larry counters.  This is when Balki asks if they can just skip to the part where he gives in.  After saying "This is eating up my day," he adds, "I mean Dimitri isn't going to clean himself."
- After Balki performs "Sunshine of Your Love" with the broom, Larry sighs, "Forget it, Balki.  We'll just paint it blue."
- After Larry tells Jennifer and Mary Anne that they're going to do the work themselves and Jennifer just says, "Oh," Balki says, "Cousin Larry says it's just clean up and some new paint."  Mary Anne then says, "From personal experience I've always found that if you're changing the color of something you should have a professional do it.  Unless you're going to let it grow out."
- After Larry tells Balki that they'll be on their way to being filthy rich, Balki comments, "Filthy rich?  Cousin, I don't want to be rich if it means giving up good hygiene."
- Balki and Larry pull on the rope attached to the chandelier but it doesn't budge.  Larry them prompts them to try again, saying, "Okay, harder this time.  Ready, pull."
- When Balki and Larry climb up the side of the stairs close together, Balki says, "Aren't you glad you use Dial?  I know I am."
- When Balki comes back in the house after running out to catch the ice cream truck and finds Larry dangling high above the ground, he says, "I'm sorry, Cousin.  I wasn't thinking.  You want a fudgesicle?"
- When Balki and Larry fall off the ladder and hang onto the chandelier, Balki manages to get his legs around the ladder and pull it closer, allowing himself and Larry to climb back onto it.  "How could you do something so stupid?" Larry asks.  "Easy," Balki replies, "I just did this."  Balki falls off the ladder again, as does Larry, and this time they can't get the ladder back.
- After Balki mimics Larry sarcastically about getting down from the chandelier and moving on to their next house, Larry says, "Balki, listen."  Balki listens.  "Isn't that the ice cream truck?" Larry asks.  Balki starts to move then realizes that Larry has tricked him.  "I suppose you blame me for getting up stuck up here," Balki says.  "Well, you're the one who kicked the ladder away," Larry points out.  "Well, you're the one who went to that seminar," Balki argues, and then says he doesn't suppose he went to a seminar on how to get out of a light fixture.
- When Mr. Henderson asks how much they're asking for the house, Larry replies, "You can be the proud owner of this fine example of American architecture for one hundred, seventy thousand dollars."
- After Larry explains how in some parts of the world the offer would be considered an insult and Balki would have to beat himself with a leather strap, Larry adds, "But I'm not going to take offense."  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says.
- As the chandelier is coming loose and Larry is negotiating, he tells Mr. Henderson, "I'll drop my price to one hundred fifty thousand because you remind me of my Uncle Phil."
- When Mrs. Henderson wants her contact lens, and Balki and Larry stop her from looking, Balki says, "I'll get it."  "Balki, are you sure you want to do this?" Larry asks.  "Yes, Cousin," Balki replies, "You've got your whole life ahead of you.  I feel like I should go."  "I can't let you do that for me, Balki," Larry says, "I'd never forgive myself is something happened to you."  "I'll find it myself," Mr. Henderson interrupts.  "No!  No!  No!  No!" Balki and Larry cry out.  Then they agree to go together.
- When Balki and Larry are crawling on the floor looking for the contact lens, Balki says, "I found it."  Larry crawls over to Balki and looks at what he's got.  "That's a toenail," Larry informs him.  The directions then say, "Larry throws the shell aside . . . "  ???
- The rest of the script is the same.

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