Nielsen Rating: 12.4 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 92 - Here Comes the Judge
First Air Date: March 9, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 12.4 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Story by: Paul Chitlik & Jeremy Bertrand Finch
Teleplay by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guest Cast:
Guy Christopher: Mr. Hughes
Sue Rihr: Miss Wiggans
Michele Harrell: Stenographer
Robert G. Lee: Deliveryman
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
Balki-isms:
"I’ve been named head of the Chronicle’s grieving committee."
"No, Cousin, it wasn’t her big Beemer it was her car."
"I already tried that. It don’t make it shorter."
"How could I have been so blonde?"
"As a judge I have to be fair, impartial and completely oblivious."
"How do you please?"
"Well, I’m no Honest Abe Vigoda but I try."
"I’m not one to blow my own nose . . . "
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!"
"Wwowww!"
"Oh my Lord!"
"Oh po po!"
"Oh God!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
A delivery man enters and says he has something for a "Balk-eye Bart-toko-mouse"
Balki makes a statement of surprise, phrased as "Well . . . and call me . .
. " (in this case, "Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky.")
Larry uses an extending pointer
Interesting facts:
- The week before this episode aired, Larry and
Balki again hosted a night of TGIF spots for some repeat episodes, including a
rerun of The Newsletter. You can view these spots on our YouTube
Channel!
- The title of this episode stems from a comedy routine which used to be
performed by Dewey "Pigmeat" Markham in which he played an outrageous
judge who would declare "Here come da judge!" and hit people with an
inflated bladder-balloon. Sammy Davis Jr. performed this same bit on Rowan
& Martin’s Laugh-In, which led to Markham doing the part himself on
the show for one season. A song based on the routine was released in 1968
and you can hear it on YouTube by clicking here.
- This episode is one of the few in which the story was from an outside writing
team with the teleplay being written by staff writer Tom Devanney. Paul
Chitlik and Jeremy Bertrand Finch were a successful writing team and were
nominated for a Writers Guild of America Award for one of their 1989 scripts for
The Twilight Zone. Paul Chitlik has taught scriptwriting at various
universities and currently runs a website called The
Rewrite Mentor in which he offers support and advice for up-and-coming
writers.
- The continuity in the series was notable in this episode when Mary Anne made
reference to Jennifer becoming head of her own flight crew, which Jennifer told
everyone earlier this season in the episode Dog Day Midafternoon.
In that episode, it was clear Mary Anne felt it was unfair for Jennifer to have
been promoted and not her, and this continues in this episode when we learn Mary
Anne has filed a complaint with the airline about it.
- The original script called for Lydia to give Balki Bugs Bunny slippers, not
just generic bunny slippers. To find out what else was
cut from the show,
read the Script Variations below.
- Robert G. Lee returns as the delivery man with the heavy coat and knit cap who
can never seem to pronounce Balki’s name correctly. On the nights which
Robert appeared on the show, another warm up comedian would take his place in
the bleachers.
- Larry’s comment about seeing a "kinder, gentler" Balki is a
reference to the 1988 Republican National Convention nominee acceptance speech
by George H.W. Bush in which he said, "I want a kinder, and gentler
nation."
- Guy Christopher makes his second appearance in the series as Mr. Hughes in
this episode. Previously he had played a guy named Walt who was part of
Gorpley’s poker game in the fourth season episode, Seven Card Studs.
It’s not clear is Walt and Mr. Hughes are supposed to be the same person,
though.
- The scene in which Larry grills Balki in the witness chair during the
grievance hearing, complete with overblown photos of minuscule and unimportant
details submitted as evidence, is reminiscent of the classic Odd Couple court
scenes in which Felix Unger would call Oscar Madison to the stand only to
completely humiliate him.
Synopsis:
The episode begins at the apartment. Over the establishing shot we hear Jennifer
saying, "Hi, Larry. Do you have any notepads?" Jennifer is standing at
the front door which Larry has answered. "Well, sure. I might have
something I brought home from work," Larry says. He walks to the
bookshelves against the back wall and looks in the drawers as Jennifer joins
him. "Yeah, uh . . . oh well, here . . . I got these, uh, spiral pads . . .
or . . . or these, uh . . . white paper. Oh, you know what I might have . . .
" Larry opens another drawer. " . . . uh, it’s . . . yeah, these
legal pads." He pulls a stack of legal pads from the drawer. Mary Anne
enters, complaining, "Jennifer, I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find
a ruler. Hi, Larry." "Hi, Mary Anne," Larry greets her, "You
need a ruler?" "Yeah," Mary Anne replies. Larry walks to the
closet and pulls out a large open box.
"Oh uh . . . what kind do you need?
Six inch? Twelve inch? Standard? Metric?" He shows her a variety of rulers.
"Do you have 
anything in pink?" Mary Anne asks. "Pink?
Well, uh .
. . here." Larry reaches into the box and produces a pink ruler, handing it
to her. "Oh!" Mary Anne giggles happily. "If you need anything
else let me know," Larry says, "I can get anything you need at the
Chronicle." They suddenly hear sobbing and Balki enters the apartment,
crying his heart out. "Hi, Cousin," Balki sobs as he slowly walks into
the living room, "Hi, Mary Anne. Hi, Jennifer." "Balki, is . . .
is everything all right?" Larry asks with concern. "Oh fine,"
Balki sobs, "I’ve been named head of the Chronicle’s Grieving Committee
. . . and I thought I should practice." Balki beats his chest in agony and
drops down on the couch where Mary Anne joins him. Larry and Jennifer walk over
to the couch. "Balki, the Chronicle doesn’t have a Grieving
Committee," Larry points out. "No?" Balki cries. "No, uh . .
. " Larry suddenly realizes Balki’s mistake. "You must be on the
Grievance Committee."
"Yes, that’s the one," Balki
sobs. "Well, that doesn’t have anything to do with grief," Larry
explains. "Get out of the city!" Balki 
exclaims, suddenly not crying,
"You mean I cried me a river for nothing?" "Balki, a
Grievance Committee handles disputes between management and employees," Jennifer
explains. "Oh, uh huh," Balki listens. "We have one at the
airline," Mary Anne adds, "In fact somebody filed a grievance against
Jennifer because they thought she was unfairly promoted to head of her own
flight crew." "How do you know that?" Jennifer asks suspiciously.
"Well, I guess we should be going!" Mary Anne says quickly, getting up
to leave but Jennifer stops her. "It was you! You filed the
grievance!" "Yes, I did," Mary Anne admits, "I should have
gotten that promotion! I graduated ahead of you from flight school."
Mary
Anne turns to leave and Jennifer follows. "You graduated ahead of me
because we lined up according to height!" Jennifer points out, closing the
door behind them.
"Cousin, exactly what does the head
of the Grievance Committee do?" Balki asks. "Oh well, you and the
other two people on the committee will hear complaints and determine guilt or
innocence and then you decide on the proper punishment," Larry explains.
"Oh," Balki says, opening the manila envelope he has been carrying,
"Maybe there are some further guidelines in this envelope." Balki
pulls out a piece of paper and look at it. "It’s a list of
complaints," Balki relates, reading further and then gasping. "Cousin
. . . the . . . the first one is . . . is Miss Lydia. She’s . . . she’s
being cited for violations of the parking rules." "Ah, I bet somebody
finally nailed her for taking up two spaces with that big Beemer of hers,"
Larry says. "No, Cousin, it wasn’t her big Beemer, it was her car,"
Balki corrects.
The next day at the Chronicle, Larry is
walking from the archives to his desk, passing Lydia who is sorting mail at
Balki’s work table. "Hi, Lydia," Larry offers. "Larry,"
Lydia replies. "Lydia, what are you doing?" Larry asks. "I’m
sorting Balki’s mail," Lydia answers, "What does it look like I’m
doing?" "You wouldn’t be doing this because Balki is head of the
grievance committee, would you?" Larry ventures. "No," Lydia
insists sarcastically, "I enjoy handling mail that other people have
licked." She rolls her eyes. Balki comes down the stairs and walks over to
Lydia. "Miss Lydia, why . . . why are you sorting my mail?"
"Oh,
Balki, I’ve noticed you’ve been overworked lately and I want to do what I
can for someone that I care about very much," Lydia smiles. "Who’s
that?" Balki asks. "You," Lydia answers. Balki takes her hands
and smiles, saying, "Oh, I am deeply moved."
"Good!" Lydia smiles, "Oh!
Oh, I almost forgot . . . um, you were named to a committee of some sort?"
"The Grievance Committee," Balki answers. "That’s the
one!" Lydia says, "Well . . . here is a little something to help you
celebrate." Lydia hands Balki a nicely wrapped package. Balki opens the box
and exclaims happily, "Wwowww! Bunny slippers! Oh, Miss Lydia, you’re so
good to me." "Well, maybe you’ll find a way to be good to me
someday," Lydia suggests. She walks to the elevator, pausing to make a
knowing face to Larry, and exits. Balki carries his bunny slippers, which he’s
wearing on his hands, over to Larry. "Cousin, it’s hard to believe
someone thoughtful enough to give bunny slippers would violate parking
rules," Balki notes. "Balki, there’s something I have to explain to
you," Larry begins, "Lydia is only being nice to you so you won’t
rule against her in her grievance case." "What do you mean?"
Balki asks.
"Balki, she’s doing your work . . .
she’s giving you gifts . . . she’s appearing before the grievance
committee," Larry states, "Do you see a pattern here?" "Every sentence begins with a pronoun," Balki answers.
A delivery man
enters, carrying a fruit basket. He sets it down on Larry’s desk and checks
his clipboard. "Uh, delivery for Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse."
"I’m
Balk-eye," Balki nods. "Enjoy," the delivery man smiles and he
exits. "Cousin, I think you’re wrong about Miss Lydia," Balki says,
"She . . . she would never try to influence my judgment." Balki picks
up the card that came with the basket and reads aloud, "To Balki, From
Lydia . . . Because love . . . " He looks at Larry with an
"I-told-you-so" look. " . . . means never having to say ‘You’re
guilty.’" Balki savors this sentiment for a moment before suddenly
realizing what it means and looking to Larry in shock as Larry gives him an
"I-told-you-so" look.
Later that day, Larry is standing at his
desk with Mr. Gorpley, who is eating some of the fruit from Balki’s basket.
The door at the top of the stairs opens and Lydia storms in and starts down the
stairs in a rage with Balki right behind her. "Miss Lydia, you don’t
understand!" Balki cries. "I understand perfectly!" Lydia states,
"I thought we were friends." "We are friends," Balki assures
her. "You sentenced me to park in Lot X," Lydia points out, "Lot
X is a dirt lot. It’s practically in another time zone. There is nothing there
but American cars." Lydia walks to Balki’s table and starts dumping out
the mail from the baskets onto the table. "What are you doing?" Balki
cries, "What are you doing?" Lydia picks up the bunny slippers and
tries to put them into the half-empty basket. "My bunnies! My bunnies!
My
bunnies" Balki cries, trying to take them back one at a time, but Lydia
simply grabs them from him and stuffs them back into the basket again.
"Miss Lydia . . . Miss Lydia . . . I
. . . I had to rule against you," Balki explains, "You were guilty.
You were taking two parking 
spaces." "I drive a BMW," Lydia
notes, "The dealer suggested three spaces!" She picks up the basket
and storms to the parking garage, stopping long enough to snatch the grapes Mr.
Gorpley is eating from his hand. "Uh, if you hurry you can still catch the
4:12 bus to your car," Mr. Gorpley laughs. Lydia shoots Mr. Gorpley a dirty
look and storms out. "Cousin, I don’t understand," Balki says,
"On Mypos when you point out somebody’s faults they’re usually grateful
that you helped them experience personal growth." "Well, this is
America," Larry sighs, "and people shy away from personal growth.
Don’t
worry. You did the right thing." "I wasn’t too hard on her?"
Balki asks. "No, no, no, no, that’s just what this grievance committee
needs," Larry insists, "Somebody’s who’s honest. Somebody who has
integrity. Someone who can look a pair of bunny slippers in the face and say ‘Guilty.’"
Balki composes himself, finally saying in
a choked voice, "I didn’t know I’d lose the slippers." "Okay,
Bartokomous, party’s over," 
Mr. Gorpley says, "Now it’s time to
put your nose to the grindstone." "I already tried that," Balki
says, "It don’t make it shorter." Balki walks to his worktable and
gets a basket of mail. "So . . . think I’ll just go back to work."
"Fine," Gorpley sighs. Balki hands Larry a stack of mail and then
exits via the elevator. "Well . . . I guess Lydia learned her lesson this
time, huh?" Larry asks Mr. Gorpley while opening a letter, "Don’t do
the crime if you can’t do the . . . oh my Lord!" Mr. Gorpley sidles next
to Larry to look at the letter which caused such a response. "Ooh, it’s
from the grievance committee! What’s the charge?" "I’ve been
accused of stealing three hundred twenty-eight dollars worth of office
supplies!" Larry cries. Gorpley whistles at the amount and they stare at
the letter as the scene fades to black.
Later that night, Larry enters the
apartment and turns on the light. Balki is behind him, carrying a wrapped box
which contains 
bunny slippers. "Cousin, thank you for giving me these bunny
slippers. How did you know I wanted them?" "Just a guess," Larry
smiles. Larry closes the door and begins, "Oh, you know . . . Balki, uh . .
. " Larry reaches over to take Balki’s coat off for him and hang it up.
" . . . I may have given you some, uh . . . some bad advice about the
grievance committee. I . . . I told you to be strict but now you’ve got
everybody down at the Chronicle mad at you." "But . . . but I was only
trying to be fair," Balki says worriedly. "Oh yeah well, I know
that," Larry assures Balki as he leads him to the couch, "I know
that, you know, but I’m afraid . . . I’m afraid if you keep this up that . .
. you’re gonna become harsh . . . insensitive . . . cruel. Maybe even
heartless, uncaring, totally devoid of all human emotion!" "Cousin, I
don’t want to be like that," Balki says with fear, "What can I
do?"
"Well, let us think," Larry
hums, then without a pause adds, "I’ve got it! We’ve seen the strict
Balki. I think it’s time we saw kinder, gentler Balki. I think you should
declare tomorrow ‘Mercy Day.’" "‘Mercy Day?’" Balki asks.
"‘Mercy Day,’" Larry confirms, "To save yourself from
becoming harsh, insensitive cruel. Tomorrow would be the perfect day to show
mercy on the accused, whoever that might be." "Well, if that’s what
it’s going to take then ‘Mercy Day’ it is," Balki announces. "You want a soda?" Larry asks.
"I’d love one," Balki
smiles. "Okay," Larry says, getting up and heading for the kitchen as
Balki sets the bunny slippers box on the coffee table and opens a manila
envelope, reading the paper inside. Larry slows down as he passes the couch and
stops when Balki exclaims, "Cousin, I don’t believe this! You . . . you
have to appear before the committee tomorrow!"
"You don’t say!" Larry fakes
surprise, "Whatever for?" "Well, it says that you’re accused of
stealing office supplies," Balki reads. "Well . . . are you sure it’s
me?" Larry asks, walking around to sit on the couch. "Yeah,"
Balki confirms. "I’m shocked!" Larry gasps, "Well, lucky for me
tomorrow is ‘Mercy Day.’" Balki catches on pretty quickly. "Oh po
po! How could I have been so blonde? You are trying to influence me like Miss
Lydia did!" "Okay, maybe I am," Larry admits. "Oh!"
Balki cries, jumping up and grabbing the bunny slippers before heading for his
bedroom with Larry close behind. "All right, but . . . but Balki!
Balki! Balki, listen! I’m big enough to admit that what I was doing was wrong.
Now,
now I’m sorry. But come on . . . let’s just forget about it."
Larry
leads Balki back to the couch.
"Forget about it. I’m sorry.
Why
don’t we just sit down and . . . and talk about something else?" Larry
suggests. They both sit down on the couch again. "Sports," Larry
continues, "Weather. Friendship." Balki stands up again in
frustration. "I know where this is going," he says. "A friendship
that began four years ago when I took in . . . " " . . . a Mypiot I
hardly knew," Balki finishes the sentence with Larry. "Cousin, come
on," Balki sighs, "Every time you want something you tell the
wandering Mypiot story. It’s not going to work. I think you were right the
first time. As a judge I have to be fair, impartial and completely
oblivious." "Okay, fine," Larry replies angrily, "But give
me back the bunny slippers." Larry snatches the box away from Balki and
heads for his room, leaving Balki shattered.
The next day at the Chronicle, we see the
inside of the Grievance Committee hearing room. Balki is standing beside a table
where a man and a woman are seated. This is Mr. Hughes and Miss Wiggans.
Larry
is sitting to one side with a large portfolio and an easel at hand. Balki picks
up a piece of paper from the table and announces, "Uh . . . Cousin Larry
Appleton, your case is next." Larry walks to a chair set up in the middle
of the room. "You have been accused of stealing office supplies,"
Balki states, "How do you please?" "Not guilty," Larry
replies. Balki takes a seat at the table with the others. "Balki, and
honored members of the committee," Larry addresses them, "I intend to
prove that that charge of stealing office supplies is totally without merit.
By
the way, I hope you enjoyed the fruit baskets." Larry walks away.
"Miss Wiggans, would you read the
grievance, please?" Balki asks. "According to the supply department,
the basement was using more notebooks, pads and pencils than all the reporters
in the city room," Miss Wiggans explains. "Oh, I see," Larry
counters, "And because I am the only reporter in the basement you thought
that I might be the guilty one?" "No, Cousin," Balki says,
"We thought you might be the guilty one because your name is on all the
requisition slips." "Appleton, I wanna get outta here," Mr.
Hughes says, "I’m going to the Bulls game. Why don’t you just plead
guilty?" "Because I’m not guilty," Larry insists, "and I
can prove it. I would like to call my first witness to the stand . . . Balki
Bartokomous." Balki is excited to hear his name called and stands up.
"Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky!" Everyone smiles at Balki
and the stenographer writes down what he’s said.
Balki walks to the chair and sits down.
"Balki, would you say that you are an honest man?" Larry asks. "Well, I’m no Honest Abe Vigoda but I try," Balki replies.
"In
fact, you are a very honest man," Larry offers, "Last week when we
took Jennifer and Mary Anne to dinner wasn’t it you who pointed out that the
restaurant charged us for only two dinners instead of four?" "No,
Cousin, that was you," Balki corrects, "If I remember correctly your
exact words were, ‘They only charged us for two dinners . . . let’s get out
of here.’" Larry is flustered and Balki just smiles nicely at him.
"But . . . yes, but . . . but Balki, isn’t it true that you made us go
back and pay for all the dinners because you are so honest?" "Well,
Cousin, right is right. We did eat them," Balki confirms. "So, in a
word, Balki Bartokomous, you are an exceptionally honest man. A man incapable of
committing a crime. I submit to you that what we have here is the most honest
man at the Chronicle."
"Absolutely," Miss Wiggans
agrees, "No argument from me." Mr. Hughes also agrees. Larry hurries
to prepare the next part of his presentation, getting the portfolio and easel.
"I’m not one to blow my own nose but, uh . . . well, I don’t know if I’m
the most honest," Balki says humbly, "I . . . I’ve been told I’m
one of the best dancers." Larry has set up the easel next to Balki.
"Balki?" "Yes?" Balki asks. "I now show you this photograph," Larry
says, and he places a gigantic print of a picture of Balki on the easel. "Do you recognize it?" Larry asks.
"That’s me," Balki
smiles, "reading . . . reading a letter from Mama." "Do you
notice anything unusual about the photograph?" Larry asks. "Yes,"
Balki answers. "Aha!" Larry says. "It’s borderless,"
Balki notes. "But what is this object . . . " Larry pulls out an
extending pointer to full length and slams it into the board as he points to
Balki’s ear in the picture. " . . . behind your ear?"
"I guess that . . . that would be a
pencil," Balki says, "It could be one of them pens that looks like a
pencil." "Oh, so you’re not 
sure," Larry surmises. "No," Balki admits.
"Well . . . maybe this will help you,"
Larry offers, "Thanks to the Chronicle’s photo lab I’ve had a portion
of this picture blown up." Larry removes the top photo to reveal a second
one underneath, which is must closer on Balki’s head. "Oh God,"
Balki moans. "Now I ask you again," Larry says, "What is this
object . . . " Larry again pulls open the pointer and slams it against the
picture. " . . . behind your ear?" "It’s a pencil, all
right," Balki confirms. "Aha! But whose pencil?" Larry
asks. "I guess it would be my pencil," Balki replies.
"Oh,
it would, would it?" Larry asks, "Well, maybe this will change
your mind!" Larry pulls away that photograph to reveal another one
underneath, this one an extreme close up on the pencil behind Balki’s ear.
Balki stares at Larry in disbelief. "It . . . it still looks like . . . my
pencil," Balki says nervously.
"Then why does it have the words
Chicago Chronicle . . . " Larry extends and slams the pointer again to make
his point. " . . . written on it?" "Well . . . I don’t
know," Balki admits. "Oh, you don’t know?" Larry asks.
"No, I don’t know," Balki agrees. "Or you don’t want to
know?" Larry speculates. "No, I want to know," Balki
insists. "Well, perhaps I can help you remember," Larry offers.
"I’d appreciate it," Balki says. "It was a cool autumn evening
like many we experience here in the windy city. It was quitting time.
You were
probably putting on your jacket . . . getting ready to go home. Then suddenly
you looked . . . and there it was." Balki looks at Larry questioningly.
"A pencil belonging to the Chicago Chronicle. You put it behind your ear,
didn’t you?" "Yes," Balki confesses. "Didn’t you??"
"Yes!" "And then you drove home, didn’t you?" "Yes."
"Didn’t you??" "Yes!"
"You probably never gave a second
thought because after all it was just a pencil, wasn’t it?" "Yes."
"Wasn’t it??" "Cousin, don’t," Balki
begs. "You kept it behind your ear the entire evening," Larry
continues, "and then later when you found it you didn’t think about who
it belonged to or who its rightful owner was. After all, it was just another
pencil in the passing parade." "Cousin, don’t," Balki begs
again. "It wasn’t too late. You could have returned it, but you didn’t.
Did you?" "No." "No." "No."
"No." "No," Balki cries. "You put it in your pencil cup which is where
I found it!" Larry pulls Ziplock plastic bag out of his pocket which contains the
pencil. "I didn’t mean to do it," Balki sobs, "I’m
sorry!" Balki buries his face in his hand. Larry pulls a handkerchief out
of his pocket and offers it to Balki, who cries, "Thank you."
"It’s all right . . . it’s over
now," Larry assures him, then he turns to the panel and begins, "Lady
and gentlemen of the committee . . . " Balki lets out a loud cry.
" .
. . we have previously established that Balki Bartokomous is a man incapable of
committing a crime." Balki again lets out a loud cry. "We have also
established that this same Balki Bartokomous takes home office supplies,"
Larry points out. Balki cries once again. "Therefore, taking home office
supplies is not a crime and I am not guilty! I rest my case," Larry
concludes. "Good," Mr. Hughes says, "I can just make tip-off.
Appleton’s right. We all do it. I vote not guilty." "Guilty,"
Miss Wiggans states. "Can I change my vote?" Mr. Hughes asks.
Larry
turns to Balki expectantly. "Well, Balki, it looks like it’s up to
you." "Just give me a minute," Balki cries. "Hey, take all
the time you need, buddy," Larry offers in comfort. Balki takes a deep
breath and calms himself. "I’m ready," he says, then immediately he
says in a light voice, "Guilty." Larry stares at Balki in disbelief.
At the apartment that night, Larry is
sitting on the couch packing up the office supplies to take back to the
Chronicle. Balki approaches him and asks, "Are you still mad at me?"
"No, no," Larry assures him. Balki sits next to Larry. "You did
the right thing," Larry admits. "Thank you," Balki says.
"I
never realized how much I was taking home," Larry says, "This stuff
really adds up." "Yeah," Balki nods, "I know what you mean.
I found these four paper clips in my coat pocket. I thought I could trust
me." Balki hands Larry the paper clips, which Larry puts into the box.
"Well, I figure after I return this I’ll only owe about eighty-five
dollars," Larry says. "Well, I thought it was fair you just pay for
what you used," Balki notes.
Larry sets the box down and says, "Balki,
I’m sorry for putting you on the stand . . . humiliating you . . . making you
feel like a criminal . . . stripping you of all human dignity." "You
only did what any good lawyer would do," Balki assures him. "Well, I .
. . I feel bad about it," Larry admits, reaching down to pick up something
from the floor, "so, uh . . . I got you these." Larry holds the bunny
slippers up for Balki to see. Balki smiles, then hesitates. "Cousin . . .
don’t . . . don’t give them to me if you’re going to take them away,"
Balki says emotionally, "My heart can only be broken so many times."
"They’re yours," Larry promises. Balki takes them happily, slipping
one onto his hand and "biting" at Larry’s nose as the episode ends.
Script Variations:
There were some parts in the Shooting Draft script dated December 13, 1989 which
didn't make it into the final episode:
- The
episode actually begins with Larry in the apartment. There is a knock at
the door. Larry opens the door to find Jennifer. "Hi,
Jennifer." "Hi, Larry. Listen, do you have any note
pads? I have to make out the schedule for my flight crew and we have
absolutely no paper upstairs." "Sure, come on in," Larry
offers, "I might have something I brought home from work." After
offering her the legal pads, Jennifer says, "This is fine." The
rest of the first scene is the same.
- In the second scene,
after Lydia says sarcastically that she enjoys handling mail that other people
have licked, she continues to say, "Of course that's why I'm doing
it. There's a justice system here and this is what you have to do to get
around it." "Lydia, I don't think that's going to work on Balki,"
Larry warns. "It's worked on all the others," Lydia notes.
- When Lydia gives
Balki the slippers they are Bugs Bunny slippers, not just generic bunny
slippers. Balki puts one on his hand like a puppet and imitates Bugs
Bunny, saying, "Eh, what's up Doc? Pretty good, huh?"
"The best! Really," Lydia agrees. (When the show was
filmed, Balki did put the bunny slipper on his hand and acted like it was
attacking Lydia, which scared her quite a bit! Sadly, this part was cut
from the final episode.)
- After Balki guesses
that every sentence Larry has said begins with a pronoun, Larry tried to spell
it out more clearly. "Balki, Lydia's doing your work and giving you
gifts because she's trying to bribe you so you won't find her
guilty." "Wait a minute," Balki says, "Are you saying
Miss Lydia's doing my work and giving me gifts because she's trying to bribe me
so I won't find her guilty?" "Yes," Larry replies.
"What's your point?" Balki asks.
- The third scene
begins with Larry standing at his desk. Gorpley enters and takes some
grapes from the basket of fruit on Balki's table then crosses to Larry.
"So did Lydia beat the parking space rap again?" Mr. Gorpley
asks. "I don't know," Larry answers, "The Grievance
Committee's still in session." "Ooo, making her work for
it," Mr. Gorpley smirks, "She's usually out of there in fifteen
minutes and taking them to a French restaurant." This is when Lydia
and Balki come down the stairs.
- After Gorpley tells
Lydia that if she hurries she can still catch the bus to her car, he adds,
"Nice fruit."
- After Balki says he
didn't know he would lose the slippers, Larry says, "You did the right
thing. I'm very proud of you." "Thank you, Cousin,"
Balki replies. "I'm proud of you, too," Mr. Gorpley says,
"You really put the screws to her. Now get back to work or I'll give
you your walking papers." "Thank you, Mr. Gorpley," Balki
says, "I had no idea that all this time I'd been walking illegally."
- After Larry opens
the letter from the Grievance Committee telling him he's been accused of
stealing office supplies, Mr. Gorpley comments, "Looks like you're going
before Balki Bartokomous. The hanging judge."
- After Balki decides
that "Mercy Day" it is, he sighs, "Poor Miss Lydia. Just
missing 'Mercy Day' by twenty-four hours." "Yeah, tough
luck," Larry replies. Larry does not offer Balki a soda in this
version of the script.
- After Larry takes
away the Bugs Bunny slippers and goes to his room, Balki says to himself,
"I guess the saying is true. The only bunny slippers you get to keep
are the ones you buy yourself."
- After Balki asks
Larry, "How do you please?" Larry corrects him by saying,
"Plead." Balki says, "Okay," and gets down to plead,
asking again, "How do you please?"
- When Balki asks Miss
Wiggans to read the grievance, Miss Wiggans asks, "Why? He's
guilty." "Mistrial!" Larry cries. "Cousin, it's
Miss Wiggans and let's keep our voices down," Balki urges, "Go ahead,
Miss Wiggans." Later, when Larry says he wants to call his first
witness to the stand, Mr. Hughes asks, "Witnesses? What is
this? Perry Mason?" "He's guilty," Miss Wiggans
repeats. "Mistrial!" Larry shouts again. "Ms. Wiggans,
I'm sorry," Balki offers, "He's never going to get your name
right. Let's just hear what his witness has to say."
"Thank you," Larry says, "Balki Bartokomous."
"You're welcome, Cousin Larry Appleton," Balki responds.
"No, you're my witness," Larry explains. "I am?" Balki
asks. "Yes." "Really?" Balki asks, "This is
quite an honor. I haven't been a witness since the stockyard scandal that
shook Mypos commonly known as Sheepgate." "Balki," Larry
urges. Balki takes the stand and asks, "Cousin, before I take the
stand shouldn't I be sworn at?" "Go ahead," Larry tells the
stenographer. "Swear him in," Mr. Hughes agrees. The
stenographer asks, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth?" "Well, of course I do. Don't be
ridiculous," Balki answers.
- Before Larry points
out that Balki made them go back to pay for the dinners he says, "Balki,
Balki, Balki."
- After Larry says
that Balki is a man incapable of committing a crime, he adds, "A man we
should all try to imitate." "Well, you can try, Cousin but you
may find the accent a little tricky," Balki says, "It's kind of a
glottal thing. Hi, honey, I'm home."
- When Larry shows
Balki the first picture and asks if Balki recognizes it, Balki says, "Oh,
that's a picture of me reading a letter from Mama. I think I'm just
getting to the part where Mama explains the difference between good cholesterol
and bad cholesterol. You know it's quite fascinating . . . "
"I'm sure it is," Larry says, before moving along. After Balki
points out that the picture is borderless, Larry asks, "But what is this
object behind your ear?" "It's your pointer," Balki
answers. "I mean the object between your ear and my pointer,"
Larry clarifies.
- After Balki cries
that he didn't mean to do it, he continues, "I'd been eating a lot of sugar
that day. I was going to return it, but I forgot it the next day.
Days went by, then weeks. And then it didn't seem so important anymore and
I went on with my life. I'm sorry."
- After Balki gives
his verdict as "Guilty" Larry says, "Alri - (THEN)
What?"
- The rest of the
script is mostly the same.
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