PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE

EPISODE 91 - He's the Boss

First Air Date: February 23, 1990
Filming Date: January 25, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 13.0 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Guest Cast:
F.J. O’Neil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Sanford Jensen: Morgan Glover
Gina Minervini: Maria, Balki’s Secretary

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen in a large photograph behind Balki’s giant, humongous desk in his new office at the Chronicle.

Balki-isms:
"I’m sure it is.  I . . . I returned my copy this morning."
"Why would Mr. Wainwright give him carte blanche when more businesses worldwide accept Visa and Mastercard?"
"Maybe you’ll get two columns!"
"Cousin!  Maybe your ship has finally hit the fan!"
"I’m trying to dress for excess."
"I am the happiest Mypiot in the entire solar plexus!"
"I’m living the life of Pat Riley."
"I’m starting to get flashbulb burn."
"English is not my mother’s tongue."
"Well, we know our way around guts, Mr. Wainwright."

Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Question, Cousin."
"Get out of the city!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki hugs someone in greeting
The Dance of Joy

Songs: "The Candy Man" - sung by Balki as "The Balki Man" as he stamps letters at his work table in the Chronicle basement

Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode is a joke on another popular ABC sitcom, Who’s the Boss?  When Perfect Strangers first aired in the spring of 1986, it's lead-in show on Tuesday night was Who's the Boss?
- The woman who has been a regular background extra throughout the series and has played a background worker in the basement of the Chronicle for the past several seasons gets a brief moment here when Mr. Glover callously fires her while walking to the loading dock.
- This wouldn’t be the last time Dimitri was represented in a photograph on the show.  In the last two seasons, after the couples moved into the big house, a smaller photo of Dimitri could be seen on the fireplace mantel.
- Once again Balki wears his Myposian tuxedo in this episode.  The suit was utilized more in the fifth season than it had been since season two!
- Balki's comment about Mr. Glover using him being the best news he's heard since they brought back The Munsters refers to the spin-off series, The Munsters Today, which ran on syndicated television from 1988 to 1991.
- Gina Minervini, who appeared as Maria in this episode, now works behind the cameras.  She founded Asti-Trevi Productions, which produced her own film Through the Eyes of the Sculptor, which she also narrated.  You can read more about Gina and this project by clicking here, and you can also visit her YouTube Channel!
- At the end of this episode, Mr. Wainwright instructs Larry to train Balki as an investigative reporter.  It's clear that the series producers were looking to eventually make Larry and Balki work together as reporters, which could have led to some very interesting plot developments.  As it was, Balki never became a reporter and continued to work in the mailroom until he began to draw the comic strip, Dimitri's World and was later promoted as a result of that work.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- At the beginning of the episode when Balki is singing "The Balki Man" and licking stamps, Mr. Gorpley walks up to him and Balki sings the last line, then licks a stamp three times.  If you look closely, on the third pass the stamp doesn't actually leave his tongue.  Originally, when Balki stood up to talk to Mr. Gorpley, he mumbled and then realized the stamp was still in his mouth.  But this part was cut from the final episode.  To read about more segments cut from the final show, read the Script Variations below!
- When Balki places a leaf of lettuce into the shredder to shred it into salad, the shredded lettuce comes out, but look closely . . . the lettuce leaf above doesn’t go anywhere, it’s still sitting where Balki placed it!

Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Balki is at his worktable, licking stamps and placing them on envelopes as he sings a personalized version of "The Candy Man."  "Who can take a mail bag?" "Mail bag . . . mail bag," Larry echoes as he walks away from a filing cabinet.  "Dump it on his desk?" Balki sings.  "Dump it on his desk?" Lydia repeats as she walks away from the cubby holes where she’s gotten her mail.  "Stamp each letter twice before he has to take a rest?  The Balki man . . . oh, the Balki man can," Balki continues to sing.  Mr. Gorpley has exited his office and walks up to the table, saying, "Bartokomous . . . "  "The Balki man can ‘cause he wets it with his tongue to make the stamp stay on," Balki sings, then licks a stamp.  "Bartokomous, where is Mr. Glover’s mail?" Mr. Gorpley asks.  "I’m proud to say that the mail for the new executive vice president was delivered first thing this morning by sincerely yours," Balki announces happily.

"Oh, darn it," Gorpley curses, "I wanted to deliver Mr. Glover’s mail myself.  Never mind.  I’ll send him a gift.  Oh, he’ll like that.  Something classy.  I wonder if Bambi’s available?"  "I’m sure it is," Balki offers, "I . . . I returned my copy this morning."  Mr. Gorpley gives Balki a strange look and goes back to his office.  "It’s kind of fun watching Gorpley grovel," Miss Lydia smiles.  "Well, I think we’ve all been a little nervous ever since Mr. Wainwright gave Glover carte blanche to to re-organize the newspaper," Larry points out.  "Question, Cousin," Balki says, walking over to them, "Why would Mr. Wainwright give him carte blanche when more businesses worldwide accept Visa and Mastercard?"  "No, Balki, carte blanche means Glover can make any changes he wants to," Larry explains, "and that includes hiring and firing."  "Well, at least I can rest easy," Lydia says, "When your advice column is syndicated in over eight hundred newspapers you don’t have to worry about your job."

Lydia walks to the elevator and the door opens.  Mr. Wainwright and a man step out, talking to one another.  "Well, I got rid of some of the dead wood in advertising, Mr. Wainwright," the man says.  "That’s . . . that’s him," Balki points out to Larry, "That’s Mr. Glover."  "And there’s a bright, young reporter in the financial department," Mr. Glover continues, "Craig Howard, who should have his own column if that’s all right with you, sir."  "Whatever you think’s best, Glover," Mr. Wainwright replies, "If you can do for us what you did for the St. Louis Examiner I’ll be a happy man."  "You can count on it, Mr. Wainwright," Glover promises, "You just enjoy your week at the publisher’s conference."  "Have a nice trip, Mr. Wainwright," Larry offers.  "Thank you, Appleton," Mr. Wainwright nods.  "Appleton," Mr. Glover notes, turning to Larry, "Appleton.  Oh, so you wrote the article on corruption in the sanitation department?"  Larry looks worried.  "Good job," Mr. Glover states.  "Thank you, Mr. Glover, thank you," Larry says with relief.

"Oh, uh, Mr. Wainwright," Lydia says, walking to him, "If you run into Rupert Murdoch at the conference be sure and tell him Lydia Markham says hello."  She turns to make sure Mr. Glover is listening.  "We’re . . . we’re old friends," she smiles.  "Oh, so you are Lydia Markham," Mr. Glover notes, stepping to her, "I wanted to talk to you about your readers."  "Oh, why yes," Lydia smiles, "There are a lot of them, aren’t there?"  "Yes, but unfortunately they’re all over forty," Mr. Glover states coldly, "We’re trying to appeal to a younger crowd now Lydia and you’re not helping.  Be in my office at two."  Mr. Glover walks to the parking garage with Mr. Wainwright.  Lydia is stunned and sickened.  Balki walks to her and asks, "Miss Lydia?  Are . . . are you okay?  You want to . . . you want to sit down?"  "Sit down?" Lydia cries, "Who’s got time to sit down?  If I don’t start writing about pimples, petting and puberty I’m history!"  Lydia presses the button for the elevator and steps inside when the door opens.

Balki walks back to Larry.  "Cousin . . . Miss Lydia seemed really upset."  "Yeah, upset, too bad," Larry says quickly, then smiles and asks, "Did you hear what Glover said about my article?  Balki, this could be it. I know Craig Howard in financial.  I’m twice the writer he is and he’s getting his own column!"  "Maybe you’ll get two columns!" Balki suggests.  "Balki, the point is if Glover moved him up, I can’t be far behind," Larry explains.  "Cousin!  Maybe your ship has finally hit the fan!" Balki says excitedly.  Larry looks at Balki strangely.  Mr. Glover enters from the parking garage and says, "Oh, good.  I’m glad you’re still here.  I wanted to talk to you about a promotion.  I’ve created a new department here called Editorial Services and I think the most qualified person to head up that department is you."  "Thank you, sir," Larry smiles.  "Not you, I was talking to him," Mr. Glover points to Balki, then shakes his hand.  "Congratulations, Bartokomous.  You’re an executive."  Mr. Glover walks to the loading dock and addresses a woman as he passes, saying, "You!  You’re fired!"  The woman looks shocked.  So do Balki and Larry.

That night at the apartment, Balki is telling Jennifer and Mary Anne about his new job as Larry listens.  "But why did Mr. Glover give you such a big office?" Mary Anne asks.  "Because he had to," Balki explains, "It’s the only place they could fit my giant, humongous desk."  "Have you seen his desk, Larry?" Mary Anne asks.  "No, I was busy working all day at my little desk in the . . . in the giant, humongous basement," Larry replies bitterly.  "Tell me about the chair again, Balki," Mary Anne asks.  "Well, it’s a rolling chair and it’s just like Cousin Larry’s only it has all its wheels," Balki begins, "and it’s covered with leather . . . "  "Before we get into fabrics, does anybody want some more coffee?" Larry interrupts.  Everyone checks their cups and says, "No thanks."  "Well, I’ll make some anyway ‘cause I want to be alert when we discuss the carpeting," Larry notes, getting up and going to the kitchen.  Jennifer follows him as Balki tells Mary Anne, "Oh, the carpeting!  I’m pretty sure it’s an Anso 4 thread nylon and, uh, did I mention it’s wear dated?"

"Um, Larry . . . is Balki’s promotion bothering you?" Jennifer asks.  "Well, I . . . I just don’t get it," Larry admits, "I mean, this morning he was working in the mail room and this afternoon he’s got a huge office on the executive floor."  "Well, maybe you’re a little jealous of Balki," Jennifer suggests.  "Oh, Jennifer, please!  Please!" Larry laughs, "I mean, do you think I’d be jealous of Balki just because he has his own office?"  "Well, I . . . " Jennifer begins to answer.  "Deep pile carpeting and a huge desk?" Larry adds.  "Larry, I just felt that there was a . . . "  "A window that looks out over the Chicago skyline so he can sit in his Corinthian leather chair and enjoy the sunset . . . I mean, you think that would make me jealous?" Larry laughs.  "Yes," Jennifer answers straight.  "Okay, you’re right," Larry admits, "But I am not gonna let any petty jealousy stop me from being happy for my best friend."

Back on the couch, Mary Anne tells Balki, "You know, I think powerful men are very sexy."  "You do?" Balki asks, feeling the chemistry.  "I do," Mary answers, and they lean toward one another to kiss.  Larry and Jennifer sit down on the couch and Larry slaps Balki on the knee, interrupting the moment.  "Balki, buddy," Larry says, "I just want you to know that no one is happier for you than I am."  "Oh, thank you, Cousin," Balki replies.  "You’re a very hard worker and if anybody deserves a break, you do."  "Oh, Cousin, thank you," Balki smiles, "Listen . . . I know I don’t need to say this but I want you to know that my new executive lifestyle is not going to change our friendship in any way."  "I know that," Larry says, "And to celebrate your promotion I’d like to take you to lunch tomorrow."  "Tomorrow’s no good for me," Balki replies.  Larry looks a bit hurt.

The next day we see the Chronicle building and hear Balki’s secretary, Maria, announcing, "There’s a Mr. Appleton here to see you."  She shows Larry into Balki’s new office.  "Cousin Larry!" Balki cries happily, running to hug Larry, "Oh, I’m so glad you come to visit me!"  "Well, my pleasure," Larry smiles, then he eyes the extravagant Myposian shirt Balki is wearing.  "Interesting outfit."  "Oh, thank you," Balki says, "I’m trying to dress for excess."  "Well, you’re succeeding," Larry confirms.  He looks around and notes, "Well, Balki, this place is incredible."  "Oh, thank you, Cousin," Balki replies, "Cousin, you . . . come . . . look at this, look at this."  Balki leads Larry over to a credenza.  "They are so generous, they give me a refrigerator and a microwave.  I’m conducting an experiment to see how fast I can boil water and then freeze it.  My personal best is eighteen minutes."  "Well, I guess the fifteen minute barrier is right around the corner," Larry notes.

"And Cousin, as if all of this weren’t enough . . . "  Balki reaches into the refrigerator and pulls out a head of lettuce, then leads Larry over to some equipment by the window.  "Look at this.  Look at this!  They gave me . . . my very own . . . salad maker!"  Balki places a leaf of lettuce into the shredding machine and holds a bowl beneath it to catch the shredded lettuce that comes out.  "Balki, that’s a paper shredder," Larry explains.  Balki look confused and asks, "A paper salad?  Interesting concept.  I guess with a light vinaigrette and some croutons, why not?"  "Well, it sounds tasty but actually I’m here on business," Larry says, "Mr. Glover assigned me to interview you for the newspaper."  "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims.  "No, I’m serious," Larry assures him, "He wants me to trace what he calls your meteoric rise from the mail room to head of editorial services."  "Well, why don’t why step on over here to what I like to call my sitting down and talking area . . . and get up close and personal."  Balki leads Larry to a lounge area with a couch and chair and they sit down.

"Great," Larry says, "Uh, maybe you can tell me what the head of editorial services does on a typical day?"  "Oh!  Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh . . . so many things," Balki answers, "I . . . I just . . . I don’t know where to begin.  I’m as busy as a mosquito in a nudist colony."  Balki gets up and runs to his desk saying, "I’ve got to read you from my book."  He reaches into a desk drawer and pulls out an appointment book, showing it to Larry.  He opens it and thumbs through the pages, then reads.  "One o’clock . . . get my picture taken.  Two o’clock . . . get my picture taken.  Three o’clock . . . . . . get my picture taken."  "Balki, is that all you do?" Larry asks, "Get your picture taken?"  "Well, of course not.  Don’t be ridiculous," Balki scoffs, "Three-thirty . . . meet with Cousin Larry."  Balki motions to Larry and smiles.  "But we better wrap this up quick because at four o’clock I’ve got to . . . "  " . . . get my picture taken," Balki says with Larry saying it at the same time.

There is a knock at the door and Mr. Glover enters.  "Mr. Bartokomous?" he begins.  "Mr. Glover!" Balki greets him happily, running over to hug the man.  "Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, some members of the Chamber of Commerce are outside.  Would you mind having your picture taken?"  "Would I mind?" Balki asks, "Does Miss Mypos have a mustache?  I . . . I’ll be right back."  Balki walks out, closing the door behind him.  "Mr. Glover?" Larry asks, "I’m glad you’re here.  I . . . I’m having a little trouble with this assignment.  Uh, maybe you can clear some things up for me."  "I’d be happy to," Mr. Glover offers.  "What exactly does the head of editorial services do?" Larry asks.  "Well, he’s a liaison between editorial operations and management, providing a vital source of input to reduce friction and enhance efficiency," Mr. Glover answers.  "And how precisely does Balki do that?" Larry asks.  "Well, in a, uh, variety of ways," Mr. Glover continues, "by, uh, networking within the infrastructure and interfacing with the private sector."

"I’m sorry, Mr. Glover, but . . . that sounds like a lot of double-talk for somebody who’s got no job at all," Larry notes.  "Okay, Appleton . . . okay," Mr. Glover sighs, "Let me clear something up for you.  Have you ever heard of a government program called American Dream?"  "Well, sure, it’s a training program for immigrants . . . helps them acquire the skills necessary to advance in the business community," Larry answers.  "Mmm, that’s the one," Glover confirms, "Well, I promoted Bartokomous as a part of that program."  "As far as I can tell you’re not training Balki to do anything," Larry points out.  "It’s a waste of time," Mr. Glover scoffs, "No, it’s much easier to have you write the article that makes it look like I trained him."  "Well, Mr. Glover, what you’re doing is . . . tokenism," Larry states, "I . . . I can’t write a story to help you do that."  "Well . . . okay.  If you can’t write it . . . well, uh, I can find someone else who can while you look for another job," Mr. Glover threatens, "Think about it."  On Larry’s startled look the scene fades to black.

Act two begins one evening later that week in the apartment.  Larry is sitting on the couch talking with Jennifer.  "Jennifer, it’s just not right," Larry complains, "What Glover has done is take a valuable program that helps people who could use a break and turn it into a meaningless showcase."  "Larry, you have to tell Balki what’s happening," Jennifer says.  "Well, I tried to every day this week but he’s so happy," Larry sighs, "I just hate to burst his bubble."  "Well, maybe he’s not as happy as you think he is," Jennifer suggests.  Balki enters through the front door, wearing his Myposian tuxedo, and tosses his briefcase and jacket aside before exclaiming, "I am the happiest Mypiot in the entire solar plexus!" as he performs a cartwheel across the living room, ending up in the kitchen.  "Then again, what do I know?" Jennifer asks, "I have to go.  I’ll see you later."

Jennifer gets up to leave but Balki runs to cut her off, taking her hand.  "Jennifer . . . Jennifer . . . we don’t see enough of each other any more.  Have your people call my people and we’ll do lunch?"  "I’ll do that," Jennifer smiles, then pats Balki’s hand and says, "Bye."  "Bye," Balki replies as Jennifer leaves.  "Well, Balki," Larry smiles, "It seems you’re really happy with your new job."  "Oh, come on, Cousin, get real!" Balki beams, "I’m living the life of Pat Riley.  How could I not be happy?"  Larry smiles and nods.  "I mean, how could I not be happy?" Balki asks again.  "I guess you got everything," Larry agrees.  "I sure do," Balki smiles, then he bursts into tears and cries, "So how can I not be happy?"  Balki throws himself into Larry’s arms.  "Balki!  Balki, you mean . . . you’re not happy?" Larry asks.  "No I’m not," Balki cries.  "Well . . . well, why not?" Larry asks, as he and Balki sit on the couch.  "I don’t know," Balki sighs, "I know I should be.  I know I’ve got everything a Mypiot could wish for bbssssmmmmttgggg mmmmssnnggg."  Balki cries out this last line so that it’s indiscernible.

"What?" Larry asks.  "Ssssmmmmttgggg mmmmssnnggg," Balki repeats, no clearer than the first time.  "What?" Larry asks again.  Balki lifts his head and speaks clearly to say, "Something’s missing."  "Oh, something’s missing," Larry understands, "Well, yes, Balki . . . what’s missing is a real job."  "But I have a real job," Balki points out, "I’m head of editorial services."  "And what exactly does the head of editorial services do?" Larry asks.  "I don’t know," Balki admits, crying again, "Every time I ask Mr. Glover what my job is I get my picture taken.  I’m beginning to feel like the Christie Brinkley of the Chronicle."  "Well, Balki, I’m afraid that’s exactly what you are," Larry confirms.  Balki looks at Larry with surprise.  "I am?" Balki gasps, "Oh Cousin, I hope they don’t have a swimsuit issue."  Balki covers his body with his arms nervously.

"No, Balki, what I mean is . . . Glover has created this job so it’ll look like the Chronicle is complying with a government program that helps immigrants.  But there really is no job at all.  It’s a fake.  A sham.  And . . . and you’re just a . . . a puppet in Glover’s sleazy scheme."  "Oh, Cousin, that is the best news I’ve heard since they brought back ‘The Munsters’," Balki says.  "It is?" Larry asks, surprised by Balki’s happy reaction.  "Yes!" Balki says, "I thought that everyone knew what my job was but me.  Now I can quit this sleazy puppet show and go back to the mail room!"  Balki gets up and starts doing the Dance of Joy by himself, but Larry stands up and stops him.  "No, Balki . . . Balki, if you do that Glover will just replace you with somebody else."  "Well, that won’t solve the problem," Balki realizes.  "No, it won’t," Larry agrees, "What we have to do is find a way to get rid of Glover so the program will work the way it’s supposed to."  "How we do that?" Balki asks.  "Well . . . I think if we give Glover enough rope, he just might hang himself," Larry says.  Balki cringes, saying, "I’d prefer non-violence."

The next day at the Chronicle, Larry and Balki lead Mr. Wainwright into Balki’s office.  "Appleton, I’ve just gotten off the plane," Mr. Wainwright complains, "I’ve got jetlag and I’ve eaten airline food.  What is so important that I come here before I go to my office?"  "Mr. Wainwright, we thought you might be interested in some of the changes Mr. Glover has made," Larry explains, "So I’d like you to meet the new head of editorial services."  "Fine.  Have him call me," Mr. Wainwright says, "We’ll have lunch."  He turns to leave, facing Balki.  "Mr. Wainwright . . . it’s me," Balki says, "Balki Bartokomous."  "You?" Mr. Wainwright asks skeptically, then he shrugs and sighs, "Well, I . . . I’m sure Glover knows what he’s doing."  "He knows what he’s doing, but we thought you should know what he’s doing," Larry says.  Balki’s secretary, Maria, peeks in the door and informs them, "Mr. Glover’s on his way up."  "Okay, okay," Balki tells her, and she withdraws.

"Mr. Wainwright, there’s no time to explain," Larry says, "but what Glover is doing is wrong and you’re the only person with the power to stop him."  "So we were wondering if you’d mind very much hiding under the desk," Balki finishes.  "What?" Mr. Wainwright asks.  Balki motions to Larry to try to explain.  "Look, I know it’s a strange request," Larry admits, "but it’s the only way we can prove our case against Glover."  "You want me to get under the desk?" Mr. Wainwright asks in disbelief.  "Yes, sir," Larry confirms meekly, then adds, "If I’m wrong, you can fire me."  "That’s a given," Mr. Wainwright says seriously.  Balki’s secretary pops back in to say, "Mr. Glover’s here!"  "Okay, okay," Balki says, and she backs out again.  Larry and Balki shuffle Mr. Wainwright to Balki’s desk and proceed to push him underneath it to hide.  "I don’t believe I’m doing this," Mr. Wainwright moans.

Mr. Glover enters the office holding several pieces of paper.  "Appleton!" he barks, "They told me I would find you here.  This is not the article I told you to write!  Now you do it over and you do it my way."  "Well, I just told the truth about the way you’re implementing the American Dream program," Larry says innocently, "and I merely pointed out that Balki isn’t getting the real opportunities that the program is designed to give."  "Oh well, why don’t we ask Balki about that?" Mr. Glover snaps, "Balki?  Are you unhappy in your new position here?"  "Well, I’m not one to complain but all I do is get my picture taken," Balki points out, "I’m starting to get flashbulb burn."  "Mr. Glover, doesn’t the program have something to do with training immigrants?" Larry asks.  "Oh sure," Mr. Glover says, "Sure, I could train him but then he’d go to lunch and I’d have to train him again!"

Mr. Glover turns to leave but Balki steps in front of him.  "Eh, forgive me, Mr. . . . Mr. Glover . . . I’m . . . I’m just a poor, ignorant immigrant.  English is not my mother’s tongue."  Balki looks over Mr. Glover’s shoulder to share a look with Larry before continuing.  "But are you saying you never had any intention of giving me anything to do?"  "No, you’re doing something, Bartokomous," Mr. Glover says, "You’re taking a job away from a real American who deserves it."  "Oh, I see," Balki says, "So . . . so you’re saying that if a person is not born here then he has no right to work here."  "No, no, no, no," Mr. Glover corrects, "You foreigners can work here but the good jobs should go to real Americans.  Now am I talking too fast for you?"  Balki shakes his head no.  "Mr. Glover, you may have been born in America, but you’re not much of an American," Larry states, "You’re too small and narrow-minded to know the meaning of the word."  "Oh really?" Glover asks, "Well, maybe you know the meaning of these words . . . you’re fired!"

"I’ll do the firing around here!" Mr. Wainwright intervenes, crawling out from beneath the desk.  "Uh . . . uh . . . Mr. Wainwright," Mr. Glover stammers, "How . . . how was your trip, sir?"  "Save it, Glover.  Clean out your desk," Mr. Wainwright orders.  "Clean out my desk?" Mr. Glover asks in disbelief, "I’m doing a great job here.  Your costs are down.  Your circulation is up."  "There are more important things than lower costs and higher circulation," Mr. Wainwright explains, "I’m not firing you because you’re doing a bad job.  I’m firing you because you’re a bigot, and there’s no room in the Chronicle for bigots."  "Mr. Glover, I know you’re not wild about government programs but you might want look into unemployment," Larry suggests.  "Goodbye, Mr. Glover," Mr. Wainwright states.  Mr. Glover turns to leave.  "Mr. Glover," Balki says after him.  Mr. Glover stops at the door.  "On your way out you can have Maria validate your parking," Balki smiles.  Mr. Glover leaves in a huff.

Mr. Wainwright steps between Balki and Larry.  "That was a gutsy thing you two did."  "Well . . . we know our way around guts, Mr. Wainwright," Balki nods, "I don’t know if you’ve ever made sausage from scratch but you have to get right up in there . . . "  "Balki, Balki," Larry stops him, "Balki, Balki . . . Balki . . . Mr. Wainwright is saying we’re brave."  "And I still want you to be part of the American Dream program, Balki," Mr. Wainwright says.  "Does that mean I have to stay in this job?" Balki asks worriedly.  "Not at all," Mr. Wainwright answers, "I’m sending you back to the mail room for the time being.  But Appleton . . . I want you to take Bartokomous under your wing and train him.  Show him what it’s like to be an investigative reporter."  "My pleasure, sir," Larry smiles.  "Thank you, Mr. Wainwright," Balki says, giving the man a hug.  "Oh!" Mr. Wainwright laughs uncomfortably.  He breaks away and says, "Keep up the good work, boys."  After Mr. Wainwright leaves, Larry asks, "Balki, did you hear that?  You are gonna get a chance to become a real reporter!"  "Cousin, now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!" Balki announces.  They perform the Dance of Joy and the episode ends.

Script Variations:
There were some major differences between the Revised First Draft script dated January 22, 1990 and the final episode:
- As you can see by the production schedule shown here, it was a pretty regular week of filming.
- The episode begins with Balki singing, "Mailed in the U.S.A." to the tune of "Born in the U.S.A." over and over as he stamps his letters.  Mr. Gorpley enters and asks, "Bartokomous, did you sort the mail into piles, arrange them by zip code, and send out those memos?"  "Batched, matched and dispatched," Balki replies, "Anything else, Mr. Gorpley?"  "Yeah," Mr. Gorpley replies, "Knock off the singing.  You're making my fillings hurt."  Gorpley exits to his office.  Balki is sad, and says to Larry, "Cousin, I didn't mean to hurt his feelings."  "Forget about it," Larry says, "He's just being a jerk, as usual."  "Actually, he's being a bigger jerk than usual," Lydia adds, "And that's not easy to do.  He sets such a high standard for himself."  "I think he's a little nervous because the new executive vice president has been spending so much time in the basement," Larry notes.  "I think Morgan Glover's a hunk," Lydia says, "I wish he'd spend more time in my office."  "Well, not everybody feels the way you do," Larry argues, "In fact a lot of people are very nervous because Wainwright gave him 'carte blanche' to reorganize the newspaper."  "Question, Cousin: why would he give him Carte Blanche when Mastercard and Visa are accepted at more retail outlets?" Balki asks.  "Balki, 'carte blanche' means that Glover can make any changes he wants to," Larry explains, "And that includes hiring and firing.  He's already fired fourteen people."  "It's amazing what you can do with a credit card," Balki says.
- When Glover talks to Wainwright about the young reporter in financial his name is Lloyd Garver.  When Glover returns from the parking garage he says, "Oh, I'm glad you're still here.  I have a little announcement to make about a promotion I think is long overdue."  Larry beams and Balki pats him on the back.  "I've created a new department here at the paper called Editorial Services.  And the person I think is most qualified to head that department is . . . Balki Bartokomous."  Larry and Balki look stunned as the scene ends.
- When the second scene begins, Larry and Jennifer are in the kitchen washing dishes.  Balki and Mary Anne are at the couch where Balki is talking to her.  "And it's a good thing my office is so big because it's the only place they could fit my giant, humongous desk.  Oh, and I have a rolling chair just like Cousin Larry's, only it's leather and it rocks back and forth.  And you wouldn't believe the sunset I saw from my office window today.  Boy, I missed so much before I became an executive."  Larry rubs a plate so hard he breaks it.  "Must have been cracked," he covers.  Jennifer talks to Larry about being jealous and Larry assures her that he won't let his petty jealousy stop him from being happy for his best friend.  "Watch," Larry tells Jennifer, and they cross to the living room.  "So, Balki, what do you have planned for tomorrow?" Larry asks with genuine enthusiasm.  "I'm not sure, Cousin," Balki replies, "I'll have to check with my secretary."  "Secretary?" Larry asks, really bothered, "You've got a secretary?"  "Oh, yes, Cousin," Balki says, "Maria's been with me for, oh, six hours now.  I'd be lost without her."  Larry turns to Jennifer and says, "He has a secretary."  "And you're really happy for him," Jennifer urges.  "Balki, how did you manage to land such a great job?" Mary Anne asks.  "Well, Mr. Glover said I was exactly what he was looking for, that I fit the bill perfectly and that I had all the right stuff for the job," Balki explains.  "Wow.  What a resume," Mary Anne comments.  "The only disadvantage is that I won't be able to talk to Cousin Larry as much," Balki says.  "Balki, don't worry about it," Larry assures him, "You're an executive now.  You have different priorities."  "Cousin, even an executive needs friends, so I want you to have this."  Balki hands Larry a business card.  "It's my private phone number.  Now don't be a stranger."  Larry looks to Jennifer.
- At the beginning of the third scene, Balki and his secretary, Maria, are on either side of the desk which has a ping pong net attached to it.  They have paddles and are playing ping pong.  Maria's got the ball.  "Okay, Maria, this is match point," Balki says.  "I hope I don't choke," Maria notes.  "Don't worry," Balki assures her, "I know the Heineken maneuver.  Just serve."  Maria serves.  They volley.  Maria wins the point.  "Wow, Maria.  You really cleaned my watch," Balki says, "Want to play again?"  "No, thanks, Balki," Maria smiles, "I'd better get back to my desk."  Maria exits.  Balki goes to his desk and puts away the ping pong equipment.  The intercom buzzes.  Balki answers it, asking, "Yes, Maria?"  "Mr. Appleton is here to see you," Maria says, "He's your three-thirty."  "No, he's my Cousin," Balki corrects, "Send him in."  This is when Larry enters.
- When Larry enters the office and comments how nice it is, Balki says, "You're not just whistling Dixie Cups, Cousin.  Oh, and look at this."  Balki sits down on his chair, grabs a lever on the side and makes the chair go down.  "I'm melting," Balki cries a la the Wicked Witch of the West, "Some fun, huh, Cousin?"  "Very impressive," Larry nods.
- When Balki tells Larry that he's conducting an experiment to see how fast he can boil water and then freeze it, Larry says, "Something I always wanted to know."  After Larry tells Balki the machine is a paper shredder, Balki says, "Cousin, I like fiber as much as the next executive but I think I'll stick to lettuce.  You know, Cousin, Mr. Glover says I'm a key man in the organization, and it must be true.  He gave me . . . (Balki pulls out a bunch of keys) . . . a key to the executive washroom, a key to the computer room, a key to the executive health club, complete with tanning booth.  Why don't we go there and pump up your spare tire."
- When Balki and Larry sit down and Balki starts to tell him story, he says, "Well, let's see, that would be the late sixteenth century, just after the War of the Tomatoes.  A young sheepherder named Devros Komous married an early feminist named Debbie Bartok.  Since she didn't want to take her husband's name, they combined their names and the Bartokomous family was born.  This union produced four offspring.  Devros begat Dinky . . . "  "Balki, Balki," Larry stops him, "I have a better idea.  Why don't we start at the present and work our way to the past?  You tell me about your job now, and if we have enough time we'll trace it back to Devros and Debbie."  "Clever angle, Cousin," Balki says, impressed, "Pretty soon you'll have your own key to the executive washroom."  "We can only hope," Larry agrees, then asks what Balki does on a typical day.  Balki checks his calendar, reading, "Well, let's see.  One o'clock: get picture taken.  Two o'clock: get a haircut.  Three forty-five: get picture taken.  Four-thirty: check spelling on my parking space.  Wow, Cousin, you were lucky I could squeeze you in this afternoon."  There is a knock at the door and Mr. Glover enters.  "Mr. Bartokomous, would you mind stepping outside and having your picture taken with some members of he State Minority Council?"  "Yes, Mr. Glover," Balki answers, and then to Larry he says, "An executive's work is never done.  I'll be right back."
- After Larry notes that Glover's double-talk makes it sound like Balki has no job at all, Mr. Glover says, "Very good, Appleton.  You have an amazing grasp of the obvious."  Larry accuses Glover of tokenism and Glover responds, "Appeton, I'm going to put my cards on the table.  The only reason that Bartokomous is up here is to make the paper look good.  You know, show people how we support minority hiring and all that stuff.  Your job is to write an article to make it looks like Balki does have a real job.  An important job.  A vital job.  That way the paper looks good . . . and so do I."  After Larry says he can't do it and Glover threatens to fire him, Balki enters and Glover says, "You're doing a fine job, Bartokomous.  Keep it up."  Glover exits.  "I must be the luckiest Mypiot in the whole world," Balki smiles.  Larry looks concerned.
- In the beginning of Act Two when Larry tells Jennifer what's happening, Jennifer says, "So, Balki got the job because he's a minority?  That's great.  Isn't that what affirmative action is all about?"  "No," Larry replies, "Affirmative action is giving minorities a chance to advance.  What Glover has done is give Balki a meaningless job just so the paper will look good."  "So this job isn't going Balki any good at all," Jennifer understands.  "Right," Larry confirms.  "Larry, you have to tell Balki what's happening."  "I've tried every day this week," Larry explains, "But he seems so happy I hate to burst his bubble.  He really loves the executive lifestyle.  The big office, the private dining room, the health club -- "  "Larry, if positions were reversed, you'd want him to tell you, wouldn't you?" Jennifer asks.  "Did I mention the tanning booth?" Larry asks.  "Larry!"  "Alright, I'll tell him as soon as he comes in," Larry promises.  "Good," Jennifer nods, "And who knows?  Maybe it won't be as hard as you think."  Balki enters carrying a red leather briefcase.  "Well, Cousin, another red leather day," Balki smiles, "I finally got my executive briefcase.  Mr. Glover says I should carry it with me at all times."  "That's very impressive, Balki," Jennifer says, "You must have a lot of important stuff in there."  "Oh, you're not kidding, Jennifer," Balki says, "I've got my yo-yo, my ping pong paddle, and half a Caesar's salad.  Boy I love that executive dining room."
- When Larry notes that Balki seems pretty happy with his new job, Balki says, "Cousin, get real.  I've got a big office, a secretary and a desk I can play ping pong on."  Then he mentions living the life of Pat Riley.  Balki also doesn't say "Something's missing" in an indecipherable voice in this version.
- After Larry tells Balki that Glover has created the "job" to make the Chronicle look good, Balki says, "But Cousin, that's wrong."  "That's right," Larry agrees.  "No, that's wrong," Balki argues, "I don't want to be part of a lie.  I'm going to quit this fake job."
- When Balki tells Mr. Wainwright that he's the new Head of Editorial Services, Mr. Wainwright asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"  "No," Balki says, "if it was a joke, it would start out like this: 'Knock, knock.'  And you would say 'Who's there?'"  "Balki," Larry says.  "Balki who?" Balki asks.  "Balki!" Larry yells.  Balki starts to answer again but Larry puts his hand over Balki's mouth.  "We'll do jokes later," Larry says.  "Look, I haven't got time for jokes," Mr. Wainwright complains, "I'm sure Glover knows what he's doing."
- After Glover storms into Balki's office and tells Larry that this was not the article he told him to write, Larry says, "I know, sir, but Balki had some ideas about a minority training program for the Chronicle and I thought I should include them in the article."  Glover pounds the desk and says, "Thinking was your first mistake."  Glover circles the desk and Larry and Balki circle away.  "You know, you two seem to be a little confused about what your jobs are here at the Chronicle."  "Well, I've been asking and asking -- " Balki points out.  "Let me fill you in," Glover says.  Glover violently pushes the chair under the desk then starts circling again.  The guys keep moving away.  "Bartokomous, you aren't being paid for your stupid ideas.  Your job is to sit in an office, pretend you're an executive and fulfill the Chronicle's minority quota."  Larry gently pulls the chair away from the desk.  "But this is not a real job," Balki points out.  Balki pushes the chair under the desk hitting Wainwright's knee.  "Ouch," Mr. Wainwright cries.  Larry covers by grabbing his knee and crying, "Ow!  Old war injury."  "Mr. Glover, a real job gives you a chance to learn, a chance to be trained," Balki points out, "All you have given me is a fake job so that you and the Chronicle will look good."  "Well, along with that fake job comes a lot of executive perks," Mr. Glover points out, "I don't hear you complaining about them."  "Mr. Glover, you gave me a lot of keys but what good are they if they don't open any doors?" Balki asks.  "Fine, Bartokomous," Glover says, "Quit.  I heard there's a Lithuanian on the loading dock who'd love a view of the sunset."  "You know, Mr. Wainwright might not like your approach to helping minorities advance at his newspaper," Larry points out.  "Who cares?" Mr. Glover asks, "Wainwright's a jerk."  "Excuse me, Mr. Glover," Balki asks, "Could you define jerk?"  "I mean Wainwright doesn't know what he's doing," Mr. Glover explains, "He'll believe anything I tell him."  The chair pushes back from the desk by itself.  One hand appears and grabs the edge of the desk, then another.  Wainwright appears and pulls himself up.  "Mr. Wainwright!" Mr. Glover gasps, "What are you doing under the desk?"  "Getting my kneecap broken," Wainwright says, "And I want to tell you that you're right."  "I am?" Glover asks with surprise.  "He is?" Balki and Larry also ask with surprise.  "Yes.  I guess I don't know what I'm doing.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have hired you.  But I can fix that.  You're fired."  "Let's not be too hasty, Mr. Wainwright," Mr. Glover says, "I hope you're not firing me because I called you a jerk."  "Well, of course he isn't.  Don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "He's not firing Cousin Larry and sometime he . . . "  "Balki, don't help," Larry urges.  "That has nothing to do with it," Mr. Wainwright insists, then tells Glover he's being fired for being a bigot.
- After Glover leaves and Wainwright says it was a gutsy thing they did (and Balki makes the sausage reference), Wainwright says, "I want you to know that the paper feels a real responsibility to help minorities and I'm going to see that we live up to it."  Wainwright tells Larry to train Balki as an investigative reporter.  "Did you hear that, Balki?" Larry asks, "It looks like we're really going to be working together."  They do the Dance of Joy.  Balki then says, "Come on, Cousin, let's get back to the mailroom.  I feel naked without a paper cut."  Balki starts to go but Larry stops him.  "Uh, Balki, before we go . . . do you think I could sit in your chair just once?"  "Knock yourself out, Cousin," Balki offers.  Larry sits in the chair, spins a little and puts his feet up on the desk.  He leans back, folds his hands behind his head and falls backward.  "Cousin, it was just an expression," Balki says.  As Larry rubs his head the episode ends.

There were some things in the Shooting Draft script dated January 24, 1990 that didn't make it into the final episode:
- Note on Thursday that a specially scheduled cast & crew picture has been added to the schedule.  This was likely the annual photo shoot in which the entire cast and crew gathered on the apartment set to have their picture taken.
- In the script, at the beginning of the episode Larry was supposed to be at his desk instead of by the filing cabinets and no one sings back up for Balki, although he is now singing "The Balki Man."
- The part cut from the show with Balki getting the stamp stuck on his tongue was also not in this script.
- In the second scene when Balki is describing his office to Mary Anne, he talks about his chair.  "Well, it's a rolling chair just like Cousin Larry's, only it's got all its wheels and it's covered with real leather and it goes up and down, up and down.  Boy, I have to make sure I don't eat before I sit in it."  "What kind of curtains does your office have?" Mary Anne asks.  This is when Larry interrupts and says "Before we get into fabrics . . . "
- The last part of the previous script, where Larry says, "Hey, I understand.  You're an executive now.  You have different priorities," and Balki gives him a business card with his personal phone number is still in this version.
- The ping pong scene is still in the script, and instead of saying, "You really cleaned my watch," Balki says, "Wow, Maria.  You lulled me to sleep and burned me deep."  After Maria goes back to her desk and buzzes Balki on the intercom, Balki looks around and can't figure where the buzzing is coming from.  He sees the intercom and starts pushing buttons.  "Hello?  Hello?  Hello?" Balki calls.  Balki continues pushing buttons as Maria enters and crosses to him.  "Balki."  Balki jumps.  "Mr. Appleton is here to see you," Maria says, "He's your three-thirty."  "No, he's my Cousin," Balki corrects, "Where do I come up with them?  Send him in."
- After Larry notes how incredible Balki's office is, Balki says, "You're not just whistling Dixie Carter.  Oh, and look at this, Cousin."  Balki makes the chair go down but his dialogue as the Wicked Witch of the West has been expanded.  "Don't throw the water.  You cursed brat, look what you've done.  I'm melting.  I'm melting."
- After Balki takes Larry to the sitting down and talking area, he says, "I'll start from the beginning.  The island of Mypos was discovered in 1582 by the explorer Ferdinand Mypos."  "Balki, I know the history of your people and it's fascinating," Larry offers, "I can't wait for the Time-Life series to come out.  But why don't we start from the present and work back."  This is when he asks what Balki does on a typical day.
- After Balki agrees to have his picture taken with the Chamber of Commerce members he says to Larry, "See, Cousin, an executive's work is never done.  I'll be right back."
- After Mr. Glover says that it's easier for Larry to write an article that makes it look like he trained Balki, he adds, "If Bartokomous looks like he has a real job, an important job, a vital job, then the paper's happy, I'm happy and the government's off my back."  After Mr. Glover threatens Larry's job, he turns to exit just as Balki is coming back in, calling to the people in the outer office, "Drop by anytime."  We see a flash go off in Balki's face which blinds him.  He turns and bumps into Mr. Glover.  "Excuse me . . . "  Balki feels Glover's face.  " . . . Mr. Glover."  "You're doing a fine job, Bartokomous," Mr. Glover assures him, "Keep it up."  Glover exits.  "Cousin, can you add something to me schedule?" Balki asks, "Three forty-five: buy sunglasses."  On Larry's concerned look the scene fades.
- Balki still mentions his big office, secretary and big desk before saying he's living the life of Pat Riley.  But as in the previous version, the line about bringing back "The Munsters" is not in this script.
- When Mr. Wainwright tells Larry to have the head of editorial services call him later to do lunch, then turns to Balki and Balki says, "But, Mr. Wainwright.  It's me, Balki Bartokomous."  "I know who you are," Mr. Wainwright assures Balki.  "I mean, I'm the new Head of Editorial Services," Balki explains.
- After Larry and Balki push Mr. Wainwright under the desk, Larry says to Balki, "Okay, Balki, let's get him" about Glover.  After Mr. Glover is angry and tells Larry he needs to write the article again his way, Larry asks, "Excuse me, Mr. Glover, what exactly didn't you like about it?"  "Everything," Glover answers.  This is when Larry says he simply told the truth about how Mr. Glover is implementing the American Dream program.
- After Balki states that Mr. Glover feels that people who weren't both in America have no right to work here, Mr. Glover says, "Oh, you foreigners can work here, but at the bottom of the ladder.  The real jobs should go to real Americans.  Am I coming through loud and clear?"  Behind Glover's back, Larry gives Balki a high-five.  The rest of the episode is the same.

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