Nielsen Rating: 14.5 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 87 - The Selling of Mypos
First Air Date: January 26, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 14.5 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Terry Hart
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Guest Cast:
Warren Munson: Mr. J.R. Stanhouse
Brian Byers: Staff Executive
Ann Convery: Executive Assistant
Robert G. Lee: Deliveryman
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
Balki-isms:
"Mr. Outhouse . . . "
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
Balki’s "Ha!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
A delivery man comes in and asks for
"Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse"
Balki hugs someone instead of shaking
hands
Larry whines when he loses a fortune
Myposian Ritual:
The Hongi Bongi ritual of purification
Interesting facts:
- Balki and Larry once again hosted the
night of TGIF spots for this evening. You can view these spots on our YouTube
Channel.
- This was one of many mentions of King
Ferdinand, who was always referred to as a rotund, jovial man. This is indicated
here as well when Balki indicates he likes to dress up in a fool’s costume and
uses Garfield stationery. King Ferdinand would finally appear on the show
(albeit briefly) in the seventh season episode Weekend at Ferdinand’s.
-
This would be Robert G. Lee’s first
appearance on the series as the delivery man who could never pronounce Balki’s
(or even Larry’s) name correctly. Robert was the resident warm-up comedian at
the filming of a majority of the episodes. He still performs clean comedy, often
with a Christian theme, to this day. You can visit his official website here.
- Balki’s Myposian tuxedo makes another
appearance in this episode. It had turned up after a long absence in the episode
Hello, Ball earlier in the season.
- Balki mentions he and Larry attending an
Amway meeting. Run along the same lines as Avon and Mary Kay, Amway (short for
American Way) is a company that promotes the sale of various items by individual
representatives or salespeople in a controversial method known as multi-level
marketing. It is now known as Quixtar in the United States.
- Actor Warren Munson, who played J.R.
Stanhouse in this episode, has a long list of television guest appearances to
his name, appearing on such notable shows as Mary Tyler Moore, Eight is
Enough, Dallas, Barney Miller, Cheers, Falcon Crest, L.A. Law, Murphy Brown and
Bosom Buddies, to mention only a few. He appeared regularly on Father
Murphy and later became a regular on the ABC soap opera Port Charles,
a spin-off from General Hospital.
- Actors Bryan Byers and Ann Convery both
made appearances in other Miller/Boyett related shows, including Happy Days,
Joanie Loves Chachi and Full House (Bryan) and Valerie (Ann).
Ann Convery now teaches courses on business communication and speeches. You can
visit her website by clicking here.
- Larry makes a reference to billionaire
businessman George Steinbrenner who is the principal owner of the New York
Yankees. He bought the Yankees in 1973 and was known for paying some players
exorbitant amounts. He has faced various controversies over the
years, including his erratic firing of various managers over the years and his
"lifetime" ban from baseball after illegal wranglings to try to get a
lawsuit against him dismissed. He was reinstated in 1993 and has continued to be
a colorful character in the world of sports to this day.
- Balki’s comment, "Bo knows
sheepherding?" refers to a series of ads that baseball and football
superstar Bo Jackson did for Nike. In the original ad which ran in 1989, Bo was
shown doing all the things "Bo knows . . . " (various sports) and then
tries to play the guitar to which blues legend Bo Diddley informs him, "Bo,
you don’t know diddley." The initial spot was so popular that follow-up
ads with the same theme ran throughout 1989 and 1990. A Perfect Strangers commercial
that ran later in 1990 would feature the catchphrase "Balki knows . . .
" in a direct spoof of these ads.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- The shadow from one camera can be seen
moving across Rebeca’s chair as Balki is opening the box from Mypos in the
first scene.
Synopsis:
The episode begins at the apartment. The
front door opens and Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne enter, all bundled in warm
coats and shivering from the cold. "Okay, whose idea was it to go to the
zoo in the middle of winter?" Jennifer asks. A moment later Balki enters,
wearing an elephant nose and waving a flag. His coat is open and he doesn’t
look at all cold. "What a great day for the zoo!" he comments.
"Balki,
take off the elephant nose," Larry says, "It was embarrassing enough
at the restaurant." "Oh come on, Cousin, lighten up," Balki says,
as he sets down the flags and takes off his coat, "Why you don’t put on
your alligator nose?" Jennifer turns to Larry and seriously states,
"If the nose goes on, I go out."
Everyone else takes off their coats as
Balki closes the front door. No sooner has it closed than there is a knock on
the other 
side. Balki opens the door and a delivery man is in the doorway,
looking at a clipboard. "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse?" the man asks.
Balki
lifts the elephants nose so it is resting on his head and says, "I’m
Balk-eye." "Could you please sign your name?" the delivery man
asks. Balki thinks a moment, then does sign language to spell out his name
"Balki." The deliveryman picks up a pen from the clipboard and holds
it out to Balki, clarifying, "With a pen." Balki takes the pen,
touches the tip to his tongue and then signs his name on the clipboard. The man
steps outside the door and returns a second later with a large, ornate box
covered with tassels and fringe. "There you go," he smiles, and
leaves. "Thank you," Balki offers, closing the door with his foot.
Balki carries the box over to the couch.
Mary Anne is sitting in one of the chairs and asks, "What is it, Balki?"
"It’s from Mypos," Balki explains, setting the box down on the
floor. "No kidding!" Larry says sarcastically. Balki opens the box as
Larry and Jennifer walk around to sit on the couch with him. Balki gasps and
removes a rather bizarre-looking hat which has the figures of a stork, an old
man and a young man on it. "Oh what?" Larry asks, "Did the
village idiot die and they sent you his hat?" "Cousin, show some
respect!" Balki says seriously, removing the elephant’s nose from his
head, "This is the headpiece worn by the official negotiator on Mypos.
No
negotiating can take place without this hat. We call it the Hat of a Thousand
Quibbles." "Well, it’s beautiful," Mary Anne notes, "Does
it come with instructions?"
"Well, there’s a letter,"
Jennifer points out. Balki takes the letter from the lid of the box and looks at
it. "It’s from King Ferdinand!" he announces, opening it.
"It
must be important. He wrote it on his Garfield stationery." Balki reads the
letter aloud. "‘Dear Balki: A company in Chicago called Worldwide
Amalgamated wants to buy five hundred acres of land on the north shore of Mypos
. . . and we want . . . ‘" He looks surprised. "He wants me to negotiate
the sale! And they . . . they set up a meeting for tomorrow. Excuse me . . . I’ve
got to start my preparations." Balki puts down the letter and picks
up the hat, holding it out to his right. "Hey biggi!" he sings,
then holds the hat over his head and sings, "Yooma gonga ningi!"
He then holds it
to his left and sings, "Gongi fongi hongi bongi iki wiki, oh yeah!"
Everyone watches this, not knowing what to say.
Balki gets up and starts dancing around
the living room, singing, "Hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi
. . . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi, hongi bongi, hongi bongi ik iki nik . . .
bang bong bang bong bang bong bang bong bang bong bang bong bong oh yeah."
At the end he drops down to the floor on his knees with his face down by the
front door. As Balki starts the song again quietly on the floor, Jennifer says,
"Well, uh . . . we’ll just get out of your way." The girls pick up
their coats and Mary Anne walks over to Balki and leans down, calling,
"Bye, Balki!" Balki interrupts his chanting to reply, "Bye, Mary
Anne." "Good night," Larry offers. "Bye, Larry," Mary
Anne says and she and Jennifer have to step over Balki to get out the door.
"Good night," Larry says again. "Bye," Jennifer offers.
The
girls exit, and Larry steps over Balki to close the door behind them.
"Balki?" "Yes?"
"What are you doing?" Larry asks. Balki sits up and answers, "I’m
doing the Hongi Bongi. It’s the ritual of purification. I must be worthy to
wear the hat. Also it makes my negotiating hormones kick in." Balki
performs the ritual again, bouncing around the living room and ending up next to
Larry in front of the couch. "Balki?" "Yes?"
"Can I ask
you a question?" "Sure." "When you negotiate on Mypos what
exactly is your goal?" Larry asks. "Hmm," Balki thinks,
"Well, our goal is for each side to agree on a fair price and then party
‘til we drop." He lifts the hat to his right again and begins, "Hey
biggi . . . " "Balki," Larry interrupts. "Yes?"
"Forget the Hongi Bongi Ritual of Purification." "But Cousin, I
really have to kind of . . . you know . . . just . . . get into it . . . "
"Balki, this is not Mypos. It’s
America. Sit down." Larry sits on the couch and Balki joins him after
setting down the hat and genuflecting in front of it. "Balki, when
Americans negotiate they don’t care about a fair price," Larry explains,
"All they care about is getting as much as they can for as little as
possible. You see? Now the very first Americans negotiated a deal with the
Indians. They gave them twenty-four dollars worth of beads for the island of
Manhattan. And now Americans are making billions of dollars by selling the same
island to the Japanese." "These beads . . . were they real or
synthetic?" Balki asks. "Balki, I think you’re going to have to find
someone to help you with American negotiating techniques," Larry suggests.
"You’re right," Balki sighs.
After a moment he looks to Larry hopefully. "Cousin? Would you be my
official negotiating advisor?" "Well, I’d be honored," Larry
smiles. "There’s a ceremony," Balki informs him. "I’d rather
pass on that," Larry says, still smiling. "It’s important,"
Balki stresses. "Is it necessary?" Larry asks. "It’s
mandatory," Balki says. "Okay," Larry sighs as they stand up,
"Let’s get the humiliation over with." Balki places a hand on Larry’s
left shoulder and his right hand over his own heart. "Cousin Larry Appleton
. . . you are my official negotiating advisor." There’s a long pause as
Larry waits for the next part. "That’s it?" Larry finally asks.
"That’s it. Got any advice?" Balki asks.
The next scene takes place in a large
conference room at the Worldwide Amalgamated building. An executive
assistant shows 
Larry
into the room. Larry is dressed in a nice suit. "Mr. Stanhouse will be with
you shortly," the assistant smiles. "Thank you," Larry replies.
Balki enters the room wearing his Myposian tuxedo as well as the Hat of a
Thousand Quibbles. He stops and nods to the assistant in greeting, and she
smiles back, stifling a laugh, before leaving the room and closing the door
behind her. "Cousin, this room is beautiful!" Balki notes, "It’s
even more beautiful than the room at the Holiday Inn where we went to that Amway
meeting." "Don’t let it throw you," Larry warns, "And
remember what I taught you last night!" "Never, ever accept their
first offer," Balki recites. "Even if they offer you fifty-thousand
dollars, you say?" Larry prompts. "Fifty-thousand dollars?
Ha! You
must be joking!" Balki answers. "Good!" Larry nods.
"Thank you," Balki says, then he
moves away to look at some items on a nearby table, saying, "Ooh, look at
this!" The door opens and several stuffy businessmen enter the room.
"Gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting," one man offers, "I’m
J.R. Stanhouse, senior executive vice president of Worldwide Amalgamated in
charge of corporate acquisitions." "Larry Appleton," Larry
introduces himself and shakes the man’s hand, "senior executive official
advisor to the official head negotiator for the sovereign island nation of Mypos
in charge of a lot of important stuff." "Very pleased to meet you, Mr.
Appleton," Mr. Stanhouse smiles. "And this is Balki Bartokomous,"
Larry introduces, "official negotiator for Mypos." "Mr.
Bartokomous," Mr. Stanhouse says as he offers his hand to shake.
Balki steps forward and hugs Mr. Stanhouse
instead, leaving him a little flabbergasted. "Gentlemen, uh . . . shall we
get started?" Mr. Stanhouse suggests. "Oh no, no, no, no, no!"
Balki says, "Not yet! Uh, Cousin Larry and I have to prepare the room for
the negotiations." "Balki, is this really necessary?" Larry asks
quietly, looking embarrassed. "Cousin, you agreed," Balki reminds him.
"Okay," Larry sighs, then says to the waiting men, "Just bear
with us for a moment." Balki and Larry then perform the Hongi Bongi in
unison, dancing around the table as the shocked and confused business men look
on. They finish back where they began and adding a "Doo wah!" at the
end. "This room has been cleansed," Balki announces, "Please be
seated." They all sit around the large round table. Balki removes the hat
and places it on the table.
"Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse
begins, "I trust you’re familiar with the piece of land in
question?" "Familiar with it?" Balki asks, "When I was a boy
we used to go there every Saturday and . . . " "Yes," Larry
places a hand on Balki’s shoulder to stop him, "Yes . . . yes, we are,
Mr. Stanhouse, and I must compliment you on your astute knowledge of valuable
real estate." Mr. Stanhouse looks flattered. "Mr. Outhouse,"
Balki begins, much to Larry’s embarrassment, "A question . . . why does
your company want five hundred acres on Mypos?" "Audits indicate that
our debt ratio is highly under-leveraged," Mr. Stanhouse explains, "In
order to avoid certain tax liabilities we need to invest capital before the end
of our fiscal year." Larry laughs and says, "I know the problem
well!"
"So we’re prepared to pay a very
fair price for the land in question," Mr. Stanhouse continues, "In
addition, the two of you will be receiving a negotiator’s fee of ten percent
of the total purchase price." Larry’s eyes widen. "Now, after
careful examination of the land on that part of the island . . . " "We
get money?" Larry asks. "Ten percent," Mr. Stanhouse reiterates,
"To be paid by Worldwide, of course. Now . . . " "We get
money?" Larry asks again. "Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse continues,
"for the five hundred acres indicated . . . Worldwide Amalgamated will pay
to the island of Mypos twenty-eight million dollars." "Sold!
Sold! It’s
a deal!" Larry yells immediately, launching himself across the table with
his hand out to shake in agreement. The scene fades to black.
Act two begins with Larry still sprawled
across the table in the conference room. "Sold! It’s a deal!" Larry
cries, "Here, where do we sign? Here! Use my pen! You can use my pen!
Here
we go! Here we go!" Larry grabs a pen out of his breast pocket as one of
the businessmen is preparing to give him a contract to sign. Balki gets up and
grabs Larry’s feet, pulling him back off the table. "Cousin Larry can’t
say sold," Balki explains, "Only the head negotiator can say
sold." "Of course," Larry says, straightening his jacket, "I
got a little excited. Go ahead, Balki. You’re the head negotiator.
Say
SOLD!" Balki picks up the hat and steps toward Mr. Stanhouse. "As the
head negotiator I’m going to have to study it, consider it, meditate on it.
I’ll
get back to you, say the . . . second Tuesday after the new moon?" "I
must inform you, sir, that Worldwide Amalgamated is interested in other
properties," Mr. Stanhouse explains, "So our offer is only good ‘til
ten a.m. tomorrow."
Later at the apartment, Larry and Balki
are at the dining table discussing the matter surrounded by research materials.
"Balki, we are being offered ten percent of twenty-eight million dollars if
you just say yes!" Larry explains passionately. "Cousin, people don’t
pay millions of dollars for something that’s worthless," Balki points
out. "Of course they do!" Larry says, "George Steinbrenner does
it all the time!" "I don’t know, Cousin," Balki shakes his
head, "I still have a funny feeling about it." "Balki, what more
do you need to know?" Larry asks, "Worldwide Amalgamated’s one of
the nicest multi-national corporations in the Fortune 500. We read the annual
reports, the press releases, the cover story in Time magazine." "I got
this microfilm," Balki adds, picking up a roll of film and unrolling it to
look at the frames, "But reading the tiny print is giving me a
headache."
"All right, Balki, let’s focus
here," Larry suggests, holding out his fingers which Balki focuses on,
"Now, could twenty-eight million dollars improve the lives of the people on
Mypos?" "Yes," Balki answers. "Yes?" "Yes, we
could . . . we could build . . . better roads," Balki says. "Better
roads!" Larry repeats. "New schools," Balki adds. "New
schools!" Larry repeats. "And there has been talk of building a
football stadium and luring the Raiders over," Balki adds. "Well,
Balki, this is your chance!" Larry states, "Mypos will have the
Raiders! The Raiderettes! The silver and black!" "You mean, Bo knows
sheepherding?" Balki asks excitedly. "Yes!" Larry nods,
"Yes, he does! So . . . in the morning you’ll accept this offer and we’ll
get expensive haircuts." "Oh Cousin, I wish I could say yes!"
"You can!" "I can?" "Yes, you can!"
Balki
continues to be excited then says, "No, I can’t!" "Why
not?" Larry cries.
"Because I don’t know why Worldwide
wants to buy the land," Balki explains. "Balki, they told you why they
want to buy the land," Larry says, "They’ve got a tax problem.
In
fact, if you’d say yes, we would have a tax problem! A big, beautiful,
kiss it on the mouth, 2.8 million dollar tax problem!" There is a knock at
the door as Balki stares worriedly at Larry’s manic expression. "Cousin .
. . I want you to calm down," Balki urges, "You’re getting a greed
high again." Balki gets up to go to the door. "Why is this so
hard?" Larry asks himself. Balki opens the door to find the same delivery
man there. "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse?" he asks. "I’m
Balk-eye," Balki replies. "Could you please si . . . "
The
delivery man stops, thinking about what happened last time, and holds out a pen.
" . . . uh, take this pen and sign your name?"
Balki takes the pen from the man and puts
it into his pocket, then spells out "Balki" in sign language again.
The delivery man sighs in defeat and hands Balki his letter before walking away.
Balki walks back to Larry and opens the envelope. "It’s from
Worldwide," he reports, then reads. "‘Dear Mr. Bartokomous,
effective immediately Worldwide Amalgamated withdraws its offer of twenty-eight
million dollars. Further evaluation of the land in question makes it prudent . .
. ‘" Larry gets up from the dining table in a daze and heads toward the
living room window. "Balki . . . I’m going to the window now.
If you need
me . . . I’ll be on the pavement." "Take a sweater," Balki
suggests. Larry opens the window and starts to climb out as Balki continues
reading.
"‘So effective immediately, we are
raising our offer to thirty-five million dollars.’" Larry stops, looking
shocked. "Thirty-five million dollars?" Larry gasps, running back to
Balki, "Balki, you are a genius! You held out and squeezed another seven
million dollars out of them! Do you think it would be too much if we hired a
butler?" "It seems like this is an offer I can’t refuse," Balki
admits. "You can’t refuse? You can’t refuse?" Larry asks
excitedly, then he looks up and says, "He can’t refuse! What are you
going to do with your share of the money?" Balki thinks a moment and
answers, "I’ll give it to the poor." "Good! They’ll be taken
care of!" Larry smiles, "I can spend my share on myself!" Larry
skips happily into his bedroom and Balki is left overwhelmed and confused in the
living room.
The next day, Larry is sitting at the
conference table with the Worldwide Amalgamated representatives but Balki has
not arrived yet. "Mr. Bartokomous is twenty minutes late," Mr.
Stanhouse notes impatiently, "If he doesn’t get here soon to sign those
papers I’m afraid our deal is off." "Oh don’t worry, he’ll be
here any minute," Larry assures them, "He’s very hot for this
deal!" He then asks them, "What do you think of the new
Mercedes?" Balki enters the room, looking serious. Larry jumps up to meet
him, asking, "Balki, where have you been?" "Mr. Bartokomous, we
were getting worried," Mr. Stanhouse states. "I’m sorry," Balki
offers, "I had to return the documents to the archives so I wouldn’t be
slapped with that ten cents a day late charge." "Mr. Bartokomous,
shall we get started?" Mr. Stanhouse asks.
"Certainly," Balki agrees.
"Mr. Appleton has the contracts," Mr. Stanhouse says, "All we
need is your signature." "Well, uh, before that there’s something
that I . . . must do," Balki says. "Right, all right, all right,"
Larry sighs, setting down the papers, "This’ll just take a minute."
Larry starts to perform the Hongi Bongi but Balki does not join in. "Please, please!
Stop stop stop stop!" Balki cries, motioning for
Larry to stop. Balki then tells Larry, "You’re embarrassing me!
Now sit
down and listen." Larry sits back down. Balki leans against the table and
addresses everyone. "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful island in the
South Pacific called Tamiki. And the Tamiki-ites . . . " "Oh, say uh,
Balki," Larry interrupts, "Balki, here’s a thought . . . uh, why don’t
you sign the papers first and then do story time while they’re making out our
checks?" "Cousin, Cousin," Balki urges, "I’m trying to get
this story off the ground, okay? Just . . . just . . . " He motions for
Larry to stay still and listen, then continues.
"The Tamiki-ites were very happy.
And
then one day they sold part of their island to a big corporation. And the big
corporation 
wanted to use that land to store things. What kind of things did
they want to store? Well, we’re not talking about things that you would store
in your garage like, eh, Christmas decorations and, uh, old National Geographics
and the occasional Pez dispenser where the candy comes out of the fish head.
No,
they wanted to store some other kind of things. So . . . after a while the palm
trees started to die and the water started to smell bad and the Tamiki-ites
started to get sick. And pretty soon they had to move away from their beautiful
island home because it wasn’t beautiful any more. What the big corporation was
storing there was toxic waste. And do you know what is the name of the
corporation that did this to Tamiki?" Larry leans over to the woman next to
him and says, "I’m feeling a little queasy. Do you have any
Saltines?"
"The name of the corporation is
Seifert Incorporated," Balki says. Larry looks hopeful. "Seifert
Incorporated? Well, well, Balki, 
that’s a very interesting fact but these nice
people work for Worldwide Amalgamated so . . . let’s sign the papers!"
"Worldwide Amalgamated owns Seifert Incorporated," Balki tells Larry.
"Babasticki!" Larry swears. "I learned this fact when I took the
microfilm back to the archives," Balki explains, "And I would like to
take this opportunity to thank my official negotiating advisor, Cousin Larry,
for suggesting that I show the microfilm on the machine. I’m sorry, gentlemen,
we have no deal." "Good day, gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse excuses
himself as he and his staff get up from the table. As they’re leaving, he
tells one of the men, "Find me another island." "No deal?"
Larry asks Balki sadly. "No deal," Balki confirms. "No
deal?" "No deal." "But I wanted a deal!" Larry cries as
Balki comforts him, "I wanted to have a deal!"
Later that evening, Balki and Larry arrive
back at their apartment. Larry still looks stunned and devastated. "Come
on, Cousin," 
Balki prods gently as he takes off his coat, "Come on.
Just think . . . think of it this way . . . we saved the lives of everyone on
Mypos." "Well, I guess that’s a good thing," Larry sighs,
"But all that money . . . " "Cousin, I know, I know, I
know," Balki sighs, taking Larry’s coat from his shoulders and setting it
aside, "Come on, come on." "Ah, you’re right," Larry says
as they both sit on the couch, "We did a good thing. Well actually, uh . .
. you’re the one who did the good thing." "I was just trying to do
the best thing for Mypos," Balki explains. "Well, you did," Larry
says, then gives a shuddering sigh. "I can understand why they asked you to
be the official negotiator. That King Ferdinand is no fool!" "Well, of
course he’s not! Don’t be ridiculous!" Balki confirms, "He just
likes to wear the outfit." On Larry’s reaction the episode ends.
Script Variations:
There were some major differences between the First Draft script dated November 29, 1989
and the final episode:
- The episode
begins with Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne in the apartment as they prepare to go
to a baseball game. "Come on, Balki," Larry calls, "the
basketball game is in thirty minutes." Balki enters from his room
wearing a baseball glove and says, "I'm ready, Cousin." "Balki,
why are you taking a baseball glove to a basketball game?" Jennifer
asks. "So I can catch a ball like I did at the baseball game,"
Balki explains. "You aren't going to catch a basketball," Larry
informs Balki, "and even if you did they wouldn't . . . take the
glove." There is a knock at the door. Balki opens the door,
revealing a UPS type delivery man who has a package. "Balki
Bartokomous?" the man asks. "I'm Balki." The
deliveryman hands Balki the package and exits. "This must be the gift
I ordered for Mary Anne," Balki says. "A gift for me, Balki?"
Mary Anne asks, "It's not my birthday." Balki hands Mary Anne
the box. "I know, but I wanted to get you something that says how I
feel about you. When I saw this in the catalogue it had Mary Anne written
all over it." Mary Anne opens the box and takes a bizarre Myposian-type
hat out and puts it on. "It's beautiful, Balki," Mary Anne says,
"I'll have to get a purse to go with it." Everyone stares at the
hat. Jennifer turns to Larry and says, "Promise me you'll never go
Christmas shopping with Balki." "Wait a minute, Mary Anne,"
Balki says, "I'm sorry, this isn't your present." He takes the
hat off Mary Anne. "This is the Hat of a Thousand Quibbles.
It's worn by the official negotiator of Mypos. Why did they send it to
me?" Jennifer takes a letter from the box. "Maybe this
will explain," she says. Balki takes the letter and reads it.
"It's from King Ferdinand," he announces, "He says some American
from Chicago wants to buy a lot on Mypos. And he wants me to negotiate the
deal. They've set up a meeting for tomorrow." "That's
quite an honor, Balki," Larry says, "But do you think you're qualified
to handle a real estate transaction?" "Cousin, I hate to blow my
own mind, but I was one of the best negotiators on all of Mypos," Balki
explains, "In fact, I negotiated the most famous deal on Mypos. The
Geeko Brothers both wanted to marry the same girl. I negotiated a deal
where one brother got the girl and he gave the other brother his share of their
farm. This may not seem like such a big deal, but the Geeko Brothers are
Siamese twins. You know just as a point of interest, Cousin, Gyro's Tuxedo
Shop can fit anybody." "And on that basis this King is letting
you negotiate a land deal?" Larry asks. "Hey, they're still
together," Balki points out. "We'd better get going or we'll
miss the tip-off," Jennifer reminds them. Larry and Jennifer cross to
exit. "I'm sorry this isn't your gift, Mary Anne," Balki says,
"I can tell you love it." "That's okay, Balki," Mary
Anne assures him, "It is lovely but it might have frightened the
dog." Balki takes his ball glove and they exit.
- Later that night,
Larry and Balki enter the apartment. Balki is wearing his baseball glove
and holds a basketball in it. "I don't believe it," Larry sighs,
"In the entire history of the NBA you're the first person to catch and get
to keep a basketball." "Well, Cousin, sometimes, in the dead of
winter, a squirrel finds an Egg McMuffin," Balki replies. Balki picks
up the negotiator's hat and admires it. Happily he says, "Getting a
basketball and The Hat of a Thousand Quibbles all in one day. Boy,
sometimes lady luck really spits on you. You know where I could get some
live chickens this time of night?" "Gee, Balki, it's eleven
o'clock," Larry points out, "I think all the live chicken places are
closed. And I guardily ask, why do you need live chickens?"
"For my negotiation session tomorrow," Balki explains, "It's
always good strategy to open the talks by giving the other side some nice
chickens. Ducks would probably be too obvious a plot." "I
can see why," Larry says, "Did they mention who wants to buy the lot
on Mypos?" "I think his name is Al something," Balki
answers. Balki looks at the letter. "Yes. His whole name
is Allied Conglomerate. I wonder if he's related to the Conglomerates on
Skeptos?" "Balki, Allied Conglomerate is not a person,"
Larry notes, "It's one of the largest corporations in America."
Larry grabs the letter and reads it. "Balki, they don't want to buy a
lot on Mypos. They want to buy a lot of Mypos. Five hundred
acres. This is big." "Then you're saying I should go with
the ducks," Balki asks. "Forget the poultry," Larry says,
"Balki, these people aren't like your local Myposians. Allied
Conglomerate's negotiators are tough, experienced, highly paid
professionals. They're going to take you to the cleaners."
"Well, actually, I do have a few vests that need pressing," Balki
says. "Let me put it another way," Larry tries, "When you
negotiated a deal on Mypos, what was your goal?" "The goal was
for each side to agree on a fair price," Balki answers. This is when
Larry tells about American dealing and relates the story of buying the island of
Manhattan from the Indians and now selling it to the Japanese. Balki asks
Larry if he'd be his official negotiating advisor. "Official
negotiating advisor?" Larry asks, "I'd be honored. Now the
number one negotiating rule is never, never accept the first offer. Got
that?" "Never, never accept the first offer," Balki
repeats. "Good," Larry says, "I'll pretend to be Allied
Conglomerate and you pretend to be Balki." "I can do a good
Balki," Balki says, "But I have to wear the hat." He puts
on the negotiating hat. "Okay," Larry begins, "when Allied
Conglomerate makes their first offer you repeat their offer, then say, 'We'll
get back to you.' Got that?" "Repeat their offer.
Then say, 'We'll get back to you,'" Balki repeats. "Good.
Let's practice it. Mr. Bartokomous, for the five hundred acres of land on
Mypos, Allied Conglomerate will give you fifty thousand dollars."
"Sold!" Balki says. "No, no, no," Larry says, "I
told you, never accept the first offer." "But you offered fifty
thousand dollars," Balki says, "Cousin, they land they want to buy is
worthless. I would've taken four old sheep and an ox bladder."
"That land might not be valuable to you, but Allied Conglomerate wants
it," Larry points out, "And it must be worth something to them.
Now let's try it again. Remember, repeat their offer then say, 'We'll get
back to you.'" "Got it. Got it," Balki assures
him. "Mr. Bartokomous, for the five hundred acres we'll give you
sixty thousand dollars." "Sold!" Balki says.
"What are you doing?" Larry asks. "I'm selling worthless
land for sixty thousand dollars," Balki explains, "This hat works like
gangbusters." Larry looks discouraged.
- The next scene is at
Allied Conglomerate's conference room. A woman opens the door for Larry
and Balki and tells them Mr. Stanhouse will be with them shortly. Balki is
awestruck by the grandeur of the room and notes it's more beautiful than the
room at the Holiday Inn where they went to the Amway meeting. "Balki,
it's an old negotiating trick," Larry warns, "They're trying to
overwhelm you with the room. But it won't work. And remember, never
accept their first offer." "Fifty thousand dollars? We'll
get back to you," Balki recites. "Good," Larry says.
Mr. Stanhouse, the Senior V.P. enters, followed by a large staff of executives,
all dressed in three piece suits. "Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse
begins, "Sorry you keep you waiting." "Hello," Balki
begins, "I'm Balki Bartokomous, official negotiator for Mypos."
Mr. Stanhouse introduces himself and they shake hands. "This is my
Cousin Larry," Balki introduces. Larry shakes Mr. Stanhouse's hand
and introduces himself as he does in the final episode. "Nice to meet
you, Mr. Applegate," Mr. Stanhouse says. The staff executives asks,
"Mr. Bartokomous, can I take your hat?" "You can try, but
I'll defend it to the death," Balki warns. "The Hat of a
Thousand Quibbles is symbolic of the office of the official negotiator,"
Larry explains. "Excuse me?" the staff executive asks.
"Just let him wear the hat," Larry urges. Mr. Stanhouse gestures
for the executive to back off. "Gentlemen, shall we get
started?" he suggests. They start to sit. "Not yet,"
Balki says. They stand up. Balki takes a spoon from his pocket and
sets it in the center of the table. He chants briefly in Myposian.
He spins the spoon around. When it stops, Balki hits the bowl end of the
spoon, sending it flying through the air. The spoon lands, Balki looks at
it. "You sit there," he indicates, "We sit
here." "Of course," Mr. Stanhouse agrees. They sit
around the table. A staff executive pushes a button and a large satellite
photograph of Mypos drops from the ceiling. "Wow," Balki gasps,
"We have to get one of those." "As you can see,
gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse begins, using a pointer, "this is a
satellite photograph of the island of Mypos. And this is the five hundred
acre parcel Allied Conglomerate is interested in." "Cousin,
look," Balki says, "I think I see Devo the butcher. Looks like
he's put on a few pounds." "Mr. Stanhouse," Larry says,
"I must compliment you on your astute knowledge of valuable real
estate. That area is probably the finest beach front property in the
northern hemisphere." "Except in the summer when the Myposian
sea turtles come ashore to die," Balki adds. "Turtles?" Mr.
Stanhouse asks. "Thousands and thousands of disgusting, smelly, dead
turtles . . . " Balki continues. "Excuse us a moment,"
Larry begs, and he pulls Balki aside. "What are you
doing?" "Telling him about those slimy, stinking turtles,"
Balki answers, "When those turtles are at the beach, it's no day at the
beach." "As your official advisor, I officially advise you not
to volunteer any information," Larry insists. "Well, if it's
official advice . . . " Balki sighs. "It is. And remember,
never accept . . . " "Fifty thousand dollars? We'll get
back to you," Balki states. Larry is pleased and they return to the
table. Balki raises his hand and asks Mr. Stanhouse why they want to buy
the land. Mr. Stanhouse explains their tax problem and Larry says he knows
the problem well. Mr. Stanhouse then informs them they'll be getting a
negotiating fee equal to ten percent of the total purchase price. "We
get ten percent of the total price?" Larry asks. "To be paid by
Allied Conglomerate, of course," Mr. Stanhouse adds. "Excuse us
a moment," Larry begs and again he takes Balki aside. "I knew
they'd do this," Larry says, "An old negotiating trick. They
wave a ten percent bonus at us and they think we'll lower our price."
"Well, it's not going to work with us," Balki says, then asks,
"Is it, Cousin?" "Of course not," Larry insists,
"We're not selling out the people of Mypos for a few thousand dollars in
our pockets." "Cousin, I am proud of you. You really do
care about the people of Mypos." "Well, I want to do the right
thing," Larry says. "I know, Cousin," Balki smiles,
"It's such a nice change from your usual 'What's in this for me,' approach
to life." "Thank you," Larry says, "I think it's time
to let these people know we're not going to be pushed around. Remember . .
. " "Fifty thousand dollars? We'll get back to
you." "Exactly," Larry nods. They return to the
table. "Mr. Stanhouse, let's get to the bottom line," Larry
suggests, "Why don't we drop the small talk and get to some hard
numbers." Mr. Stanhouse proceeds to offer them twenty-eight million
dollars and Larry dives across the table and yells, "Sold!"
- Act two begins with
Balki pulling Larry off the table by his ankles. "Cousin Larry can't
say 'sold,'" he informs them, "Only the head negotiator can say
'sold.' And I am the head negotiator as indicated by my
headwear." Larry admits he got a little excited and urges Balki to
say sold. "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, then turns to Mr.
Stanhouse and says, "Twenty-eight million dollars? We'll get back to
you." Larry is shocked. "We'll get back to you??" he
cries, "What are you out of your . . . " To the others he says,
"Excuse us a moment." Larry takes Balki aside. "What
are you doing?" "I'm doing exactly what you told me to do,"
Balki says. "I told you to say, 'Fifty thousand dollars? We'll
get back to you.' But when they say twenty-eight million dollars, you
readjust your position and say 'sold.'" "Cousin, I'm the one
wearing the hat and something is bothering me, so I want to think it over,"
Balki explains. Balki returns to the table and Larry follows.
"Twenty-eight million dollars?" Balki repeats, "We'll get back to
you." Mr. Stanhouse informs them that the offer is only good for
twenty-four hours. "No problem," Larry says, "We'll be back
here tomorrow with an answer that will make us all happy." Larry
starts ushering Balki toward the door. "Well, I was planning on
getting a haircut tomorrow," Balki says. "We'll be here,"
Larry assures the men.
- That night at the
apartment, Balki is looking through bound volumes of past issues of the
Chronicle and making notes on a legal pad. Larry is waiting
expectantly. "Hmmmmm," Balki hums. "What?
What?" Larry asks, "Is that a good hmmm or a bad hmmm? Should I
call them? I'll call them." "Not yet, Cousin," Balki
says, "This just doesn't make sense to me." "Neither does
turning down twenty-eight million dollars for five hundred acres of dead
turtles," Larry counters. "Cousin, there's something wrong
here," Balki insists, "On Mypos if a man offers you two goats for one
sheep it's a fair deal. But if he offers you fifty goats, a new house and
a compact disc player, you'd better think once before you make the
deal." "What's your point?" Larry asks. "People
don't pay millions of dollars for something that's worthless." Larry
points out George Steinbrenner does it all the time. "I don't
know," Balki sighs, "I got these issues of the Chronicle from the
archives to see if I can find out why Allied Conglomerate wants the land.
I got this microfilm, too, but reading the tiny print gives me a such a
headache." Larry asks if twenty-eight million dollars could improve
the lives of the people on Mypos and Balki agrees they could build better roads,
build new schools, and the talk of building a stadium and trying to get an NFL
franchise. Larry explains again why Allied wants the land because they
have a tax problem and points out they would have a tax problem if they accept
the offer. There's a knock at the door and Balki answers it to find the
deliveryman. "Balki Bartokomous?" "I'm Balki."
He hands Balki an envelope and exits. Balki opens it and reads the message
from Allied Conglomerate aloud about how they're withdrawing their offer of
twenty-eight million. Larry goes to the window (Balki does not tell him to
take a sweater in this version). Balki reads their new offer of
thirty-five million and Larry is ecstatic. "Thirty-five million
dollars? Balki, you're a genius! Thank you! I'm sorry I ever
doubted you or your hat. Go ahead, call them. Tell them we have a
deal." "I can't say yes," Balki says, "The land isn't
worth this much." "Balki, you were the one who said 'sometimes,
in the dead of winter, a squirrel finds an Egg McMuffin.'"
"True," Balki agrees, "But how often, in the dead of winter, does
a squirrel find thirty-five million Egg McMuffins?" "In
everything you've read about Allied Conglomerate, have you found any reason to
believe they're not an honorable company?" Larry asks. "Well,
no," Balki admits. "So, tomorrow we'll meet with them and make
the deal," Larry says, "For the sake of Mypos, pick up this Egg
McMuffin."
- The next day Larry
is in the conference room with the Allied executives. "Now, Mr.
Stanhouse . . . " Larry begins. "You can call me J.R.," Mr.
Stanhouse offers. "Thank you, J.R.," Larry says, "You can
call me L. Anyway, J.R., when we get our ten percent bonus will that be
one check for both of us or do we each get our own check?" Mr.
Stanhouse looks at his watch. "If Mr. Bartokomous doesn't get here
soon, there won't be any checks at all," he reminds Larry. Larry
assures them Balki will be there and then asks what they think of the new
Mercedes. Balki enters wearing the negotiator's hat and when Larry asks
where he's been he explains he returned the documents to the archives so he
would be slapped with the ten cents a day late charge. "You almost
blew thirty-five million dollars for a ten cents late charge?" Larry cries,
"What's the matter? Is that hat cutting off circulation to your
brain?" Mr. Stanhouse suggests they get starts and Balki says,
"Yes. Let's." The executives wait for Balki to give them
their seat assignments but Balki just motions for them to sir, which they
do. "Could you make the earth fall from the sky?" Balki
asks. "He'd like to see the map," Larry explains, "Strictly
a formality." The Mypos photograph drops. Balki takes out a
post-it with the island of Tamiki on it and sticks it over the photograph of
Mypos before turning to the group. He starts to tell the story and Larry
tries to interrupt, urging Balki to sign the deal first. Balki continues
and tells about the island of Tamiki (he doesn't talk about the usual types of
things people store in their garages in this version). He finally reveals
that Allied Conglomerate owns Seifert Incorporated and stored toxic waste on the
island. Larry turns to Mr. Stanhouse and his staff. "J.R.,
guys, tell me this isn't true. Say it ain't so." Mr. Stanhouse
says, "Well, maybe we did, but that's no guarantee it'll happen on Mypos."
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, we have no deal," Balki informs them.
Larry starts to cry and Balki leads him from the room.
- The last scene is
pretty much the same except a little shorter. After Larry says that King
Ferdinand is no fool and Balki says he just likes to wear the costume, Balki
goes to his room. Larry starts toward the window. "Three point
five million dollars?" Larry moans. Balki comes out.
"Cousin, I nailed the window shut," Balki informs him.
"Thanks, Cousin," Larry offers.
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