PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE

EPISODE 85 - Because They're Cousins

First Air Date: January 5, 1990
Filmed on: November 16, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.6 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
" . . . you can’t expect him to be as Neopolitan as I am."
"Bite your tongue off!"
"All that’s left to do is the wheeling and dealing and shakin’ and . . . bakin.’"
"Hold on to your cats."
"He told me he was going to play a little one-on-one with Miss Kelly from advertising."
"Cousin, excuse me for saying so but your friend Frankie Bathtub don’t know Dick Butkus about success."

Don’t be ridiculous: Said twice in this episode (once as "Don’t be bogus, dude!")

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"What are we talking about?"
Balki’s "Huh?"
"Wwowww!"
"Where do I come up with them?" (spoken and then written by Bart)

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry sniffs at the air
Larry refers to something sexual and Balki acts like he knows what he’s talking about, then admit he doesn’t
Balki and Larry sigh simultaneously

Notable Moment: We meet Balki's Cousin Bartok from Mypos

Songs: "The theme from The Patty Duke Show" - sung by Balki as he’s leaving the apartment to go pay Cousin Bartok’s cab fare

Interesting facts:
- The TGIF spots for this night were rather unusual in that Balki and Larry hosted one introduction during the evening while the rest were done with the cast of another show.  The following week, their other four spots were aired with another show filling in the additional spot.  What likely happened was ABC probably changed the lineup of episodes to air on those nights and as a result had to use the corresponding introductions for each episode, hence the mix up of casts.  This seems to be the only time this happened with the spots involving the Perfect Strangers cast.  Rachel (Telma Hopkins) and her baby Richie from Family Matters hosted the rest of the TGIF spots for the evening.
- In this episode, Balki once again mentions Devo the Butcher in one of his stories about Mypos.
- This episode marked the first time Bronson's brother, Justin, appeared as the back of Balki’s head on the series.  Contrary to many online reports, Justin is not Bronson's twin brother, but they look enough alike, especially over the shoulder, for him to be used in the over the shoulder shots of Bronson as both characters.
- The title of this episode is a line from the theme song for The Patty Duke Show, which is also referred to in the episode (Balki even sings this portion of the song).  They show starred Patty Duke as identical cousins, Patty (the fun-loving American cousin) and Cathy (the straight-laced Scottish cousin) and ran pn ABC from 1963 to 1966.
- Bronson's California accent was likely inspired by a number of sources.  Early in 1989, California dude-speak became popular when the movie, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, became an unexpected hit.  Closer to home, audience warm-up comedian Robert Lee used to incorporate the surfer / slacker dude-speak in his routines, especially when a clapboard operator named Sean, who actually did speak this way to some extent, joined the crew.  We had already seen a glimpse of "Bart" at the end of the episode The Newsletter, seen earlier this season.  Here it was brought to fruition.  Interestingly enough, the California-dude character would find a regular home for a time on the forthcoming 1991 Miller / Boyett series Step by Step when Sasha Mitchell played Frank's nephew Cody.  Ironically, Bronson would eventually be brought in to fill the space vacated by the elimination of Cody from the series (due to some legal issues) as Jean-Luc.
- At the time this episode was filmed, the technology used to let Bronson appear as two people in the same scene was quite innovative and new.  Previously, split-screen was the common way these types of shows were done.  Two separate shots would be taken of the actor on either side of a set with a definitive line down the middle formed by either a wall or door other permanent marker hiding the seam.  But here green screen technology was used to "matte" Bronson's other character into the scene.  This way the characters could move in and out of the scene and also have other actors move around both characters in the same shot.  The episode was filmed in front of the audience using Justin as whichever opposing character was needed, so Bronson's green screen takes were not done in front of the studio audience.
- When Balki says, "Don’t worry, be happy," he's referencing the popular 1988 a cappella song by Bobby McFerrin.
- The name Greeley being used in association with the west coast and California may not be just a coincidence.  Horace Greeley, a newspaper editor who lived in the mid-1850's, was popularly credited with having said "Go west, young man" in reference to opportunities to be found in the still wild west and, in particular, young California.
- You can read a complete account of the filming of this episode in our On the Scene section!

Synopsis:
As the episode begins, Balki is in the kitchen of the apartment, which is decorated with all kinds of Myposian folk art and various produce.  "Cousin, hurry up!" Balki calls, "Cousin Bartok will be here any minute!"  Larry walks out of his bedroom and is passing through the living room when he stops and sniffs at the air.  He walks toward a sheepskin which is laying across the back of the couch.  "Balki?"  "Yeah?" Balki asks.  "Have you washed this sheepskin since your Mama sent it from Mypos?" Larry asks.  "Well, of course not, don’t be ridiculous!" Balki replies, "If we want Cousin Bartok to feel at home here, the apartment has to smell barnyard fresh."  Larry looks concerned and drops the corner of the skin he’s holding.  Balki crosses to him wearing an apron.

"Cousin, did I ever tell you about the time that Cousin Bartok and I made water balloons out of . . . "  " . . . sheep bladders," Larry echoes as Balki says it.  " . . . and we climbed up on the roof of Cousin . . . "  " . . . Bartok’s hut," Larry echoes.  " . . . and we dropped them on . . . "  " . . . Devo the Butcher," Larry echoes, then continues on his own, "And he thought it was a sign from God, so he lowered his prices."  Balki looks shocked and asks, "Were you there?"  "No . . . no I was here," Larry answers, "I was here listening to you tell that story over and over and over again."  "Cousin, I . . . I can’t help myself!" Balki says excitedly, "I’m just . . . I’m just so . . . "  He brushes the sheepskin with his hand then finds something in it and picks it out, smashing it between his fingers before continuing, "I’m just so excited that Cousin Bartok is coming.  My favorite cousin from Mypos is finally going to meet my favorite cousin from America."

"Well, I’ll be honored, Balki," Larry smiles, "And who knows?  As long as he’s here maybe we can show him what it’s like to be a bachelor on the loose in Chicago."  Larry eyes Balki knowingly, and they share a series of knowing looks and expressions, making knowing sounds at one another.  They end by sighing simultaneously.  "What are we talking about?" Balki finally asks.  "Forget it," Larry sighs.  "Oh, Cousin, I got to warn you," Balki begins, "Now, um . . . Cousin Bartok is, eh . . . kind of meek and mild and shy.  He only arrived in Los Angeles six months ago so . . . you know . . . you can’t expect him to be as Neopolitan as I am."  "That’s cosmopolitan," Larry corrects, "and after the last four years I think I’m prepared for anything."  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki smiles, then starts, saying, "Oh!  I almost forgot the Babo-digo-bo wreath!"  "The Babo-digo-bo wreath?" Larry asks.  "The traditional Myposian welcome wreath," Balki explains, "made from the beards of a hundred unmilked goats.  I’ll be right back!"  Balki runs into his bedroom.

There is a knock at the door.  Larry walks over and opens it.  He is surprised to see someone who looks exactly like Balki standing there with a duffel bag, wearing modern, stylish clothing and with his hair slicked back.  "Hey . . . hi!" he says in a distinctly California, surfer dude accent, "I’m looking for Balki Bartokomous."  Larry stands staring with his mouth open.  "Balki Bartokomous?" the man repeats.  Larry continues to stare, dumbfounded.  "Sorry, dude, I must have the wrong apartment!"  He turns to leave but Larry stops him.  "Wait!  No, no, no, no, no!"  Larry pulls him back into the apartment and says, "You must be Bartok!"  "Yo!" Bartok confirms.  "Well, come in," Larry offers.  "All right!  Excellent!" Bartok says, walking into the apartment as Larry closes the door.

Balki comes out of his bedroom carrying the Babo-digo-bo wreath.  "I hope Cousin Bartok gets here soon," he says to Larry, not seeing Bartok, "The Babo-digo-bo wreath is starting to shed."  "Balki!" Bartok exclaims.  "Cousin Bartok!" Balki cries happily, running to give his cousin a hug.  "All right!" Bartok smiles.  Balki steps back and motions with the wreath, chanting, "Babo babo digo digo bo!"  He places it over Bartok’s head.  "Wow, a Babo-digo-bo wreath," Bartok notes, "All right!  Heavy, dude!"  "Oh, Cousin Bartok, I want to introduce you to my Cousin Larry.  Cousin Larry . . . Cousin Bartok.  Cousin Bartok . . . Cousin Larry."  Balki steps aside so they can meet.  "Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Bartok," Larry offers, surprised when Bartok uses a more hip handshake.  "Likewise, dude, and just go ahead and call me Bart," Bartok says, "That’s cas."

Larry stands between Balki and Bartok.  "Are you sure you two are just cousins?  I . . . I can’t believe how much you look alike!"  "Oh wow, you really think so?" Bart asks.  "Well, Cousin, um . . . maybe a little around the eyes but, I mean it’s not like The Patty Duke Show," Balki says.  "Dudes, I really appreciate you letting me crash here for a couple of nights," Bart says.  "Well, why should you spend money on a hotel when we have a very comfortable couch right here?" Larry asks.  "Oh wow . . . couch," Bart says, looking at the couch skeptically, "If I didn’t have a bad back that couch would sound totally bodacious but, uh . . . maybe I better just go ‘bout a hotel."  He reaches for his bag.  "A hotel?" Balki asks, "Bite your tongue off!  You’re staying right here.  I’ll sleep on the couch and you’ll stay in my room.  You just take your suitcase and march right on in there.  First door on the left."

"All right, excellent!" Bart smiles, "All right, B-man, you’re all right!  Oh dude, I almost forgot, I got the taxi cab waitin’ downstairs.  I’m a little lean on green."  "No, you look fine," Balki assures him.  "I’m a little low on cash," Bart explains.  "Oh!  Oh!  Don’t worry, Cousin Bartok, I’ll take care of the cab," Balki says, "You just make yourself at home."  "Excellent!" Bart replies.  Balki hurries through the front door, singing, "But they’re cousins . . . identical cousins and you’ll find . . . "  Bart walks up to Larry.  "Bart, I have to tell you, you’re not at all what I expected," Larry notes, "I thought somebody from Mypos would be much more . . . Myposian."  "Yeah, well, um . . . let me tell ya a little story ‘bout that, Lar," Bart begins, "Hey, you mind if I call you Larr?"  "Well, uh, actually I prefer if you’d call me . . . " Larry begins.

"Great, Larr," Bart continues, stretching out on the couch, "Well, the deal is, see uh . . . when I first hit L.A. I looked like our friend Balki out there and uh, people looked at me like I was this total geek!  And I was like, oh wow, I was like bummed.  And then I was lucky enough to hook up with this dude, Frankie Bathgate, and he goes to me, he goes, ‘Dude!’  And I go, ‘What?’  And he goes, ‘Oh wow!’  And I go, ‘Huh?’  And he goes, ‘Numero uno, whatcha gotta do is get rid of everything that says Mypos and that includes, like, the clothes, the accent, and anything made out of goat hair.’"  Bart stands up and asks, "Hey, um . . . does your apartment always look like this?"  "No, Balki decorated it this way so you’d feel more at home," Larry explains.  "Dude, the way to really make me feel more at home is to get a couple of babes up here!" Bart smiles, "Know what I mean?"  He laughs knowingly. Larry just looks uncomfortable.

Some time later at the Chronicle, Larry is at his desk and Mr. Gorpley is sorting mail at Balki’s worktable.  The elevator door opens and Lydia steps out.  "Hi, Larry," she says.  "Hi, Lydia," Larry says, "Uh, Lydia . . . I heard you met Balki’s cousin Bart.  Whatdya think of him?"  "Oh . . . nice," Lydia smiles, trying to be polite, but she can’t hide her disgust.  "Whatdya really think of him, Lydia?" Larry asks.  "Well, it may just be me, but it really turns me off when someone says, ‘Hey, babe.  Nice to meet you.  How many bucks do you pull down a week?’" Lydia answers.  "Well, I like the guy!" Mr. Gorpley smiles, walking to them.  "You like him?" Larry says with surprise, "Wait a minute . . . after you had breakfast with him and Balki he stuck you with the check."  "I know, that’s why I like him!" Gorpley explains.

Balki enters from the loading dock wearing dark sunglasses.  He runs to them.  "Everybody!  Everybody!  I have great news!"  "Balki, you’ve got new sunglasses!" Lydia notes.  "Yeah, Cousin Bartok kind of talked me into them," Balki explains, taking them off, "Totally tubular, huh?  Mr. Gorpley, Miss Lydia, I want to invite you to a party I’m having for Cousin Bartok on Saturday night."  "Saturday?" Larry asks, "I thought Bart was leaving on Wednesday."  "That’s the good news, Cousin!" Balki says, "Cousin Bartok has decided to start his business right here in Chicago and he’ll be staying with us until he can find an apartment in my price range.  Isn’t that way cool?  I am totally stoked!  Excuse me, I’ve got to go tell everyone else about the party."  Balki runs off the archives, yelling, "Hey, dudes!  Let’s party!"  "You have got to hand it to a guy who can rip off his own family!" Mr. Gorpley states, then adds wickedly, "I think I’ll go call my mother."  Mr. Gorpley walks away while Larry and Lydia share a look of disgust.

Saturday night, the party at the apartment is in full swing.  Balki is working in the kitchen.  Bart walks from the punch bowl into the living room as Lydia and Mr. Gorpley, who are standing by the counter, watch.  Balki takes some cheddar puffs out of the oven as Mr. Gorpley asks, "So, Bartokomous, what’s this great business idea that Bart has?"  "Well, it’s really not Cousin Bartok’s idea," Balki explains, "The idea actually belongs to a dude in California named John Greeley, but Cousin Bartok has obtained all the marketing rights.  All that’s left to do is the . . . is the wheeling and dealing and shakin’ and . . . bakin.’"  "Yeah yeah yeah, fine," Gorpley says impatiently, "Now what’s the idea?"  "Hold on to your cats," Balki prepares them, "It’s a beach towel!"  "A beach towel?" Mr. Gorpley scoffs, "Well, move over Donald Trump."  He walks away in disgust.

"Balki, I . . . I hope this doesn’t come as a shock," Lydia says gently, "but . . . they’ve already invented the beach towel."  "I know that," Balki assures her, "but not a Piece o’ the Beach beach towel!  Cousin Bartok says it’s truly bodacious.  You see, it’s a towel the color of sand, so it actually looks like a piece o’ the beach."  "But what happens if you go swimming?" Lydia asks, "How do you find your towel again?"  Balki thinks about this.  "Wwowww!" he finally says, "That is a good question.  But I’m sure Cousin Bartok has already thought of that.  He never thinks about anything but business."  On the other side of the room, Bart approaches Mary Anne, grabbing her by the arm.  "You know, the minute I saw you . . . I knew you were awesome," Bart begins, "I was like, oh wow . . . obliterated!  But there’s something missing . . . me!"  "Oh, you’re not missing," Mary Anne assures him, "You’re right here."

"You are heavy!" Bart comments.  "This sounds like a cheap come-on line," Mary Anne says, "Forget it!  And I’m not heavy!"  She walks away.  Jennifer sees Bart standing alone and walks up to him.  "Don’t tell me," she begins, "You’re Bart . . . "  "You know, the minute I saw you . . . " Bart interrupts, "I knew you were awesome.  I was like, oh wow . . . obliterated!  But there’s something missing . . . "  Seeing this, Larry steps over saying, "And you’re right . . . "  He places an hors d’oeuvres tray between Bart and Jennifer.  " . . . it’s me.  I see you’ve met Jennifer . . . my girlfriend."  "And . . . and she’s a total babe," Bart covers his embarrassment, "I should know.  I’m a licensed babe-tician!"  Bart laughs at his own joke and then exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?"  Larry laughs facetiously, then hands Jennifer the tray.  "Uh, Jennifer, would you mind seeing if the rest of the cheddar puffs are ready?"  "Sure, um . . . nice meeting you, Bart," Jennifer says, then walks away.

"Later, babe," Bart says, then looks embarrassed.  "Oh wow . . . oh wow . . . Larr, major wipeout on my part.  Way sorry, dude.  Look, Bart never hits on another dude’s lady."  "Well, I’m happy to hear that, Bart," Larry says.  "Listen, Larr, I got some killer news," Bart says, hooking an arm around Larry’s shoulders, "I finally got the financial backing for my project and I’ll be getting my own pad this week."  "Well, that is . . . killer news," Larry agrees, "Well, congratulations.  Who’s your backer?"  Balki runs out of the kitchen and calls, "Everyone?  Everyone?  I have an announcement to make!"  The party guests gather around.  "Uh, Cousin Bartok, would you join me, please?"  Bart walks over to stand next to Balki.  "Hit it, Balk-man," Bart says.  "Uh, Cousin Bartok and I are going into business together," Balki announces, "Um . . . with his keen business instincts and my life savings, I don’t see how we can miss!"  Everyone reacts as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins after the party.  Larry and Balki are cleaning up.  "Okay, Cousin," Balki says as he brings a trash bag from the kitchen to hold open while Larry throws paper plates and napkins in it, "Here we go."  "Balki, where’s Bart?" Larry asks, "It would have been nice if he’d helped us clean up."  "Oh, he’s playing basketball," Balki answers.  "Basketball?  At one o’clock in the morning?" Larry asks.  "Yeah," Balki says, "He told me he was going to play a little one-on-one with Miss Kelly from advertising."  Balki is about to go back to the kitchen when Larry stops him.  "Balki," Larry begins, motioning for Balki to sit on the couch with him, "We have to talk."  "I know what you’re going to say," Balki interrupts.  "You do?"  "Yes, I do," Balki nods, "And I couldn’t agree with you more.  Cousin, I am as tired as you are of always having cheddar puffs at our parties.  Now I thought maybe, you know, we could have them little sausages in the can . . . "

"No, Balki . . . no, no, Balki . . . Balki, I don’t want to talk about hors d’oeuvres," Larry says, "I want to talk to you about this beach towel business.  You know, it sounds very . . . risky."  "Oh well, Cousin Bartok and I have talked about the risk and we agree it’s a no prob situation," Balki explains, "And as he says, you have to spend money to make money."  "Balki, he’s using the fact that he’s a relative to take your money," Larry points out.  "Cousin, on Mypos family trusts one another," Balki explains.  "Balki, L.A. did something to him," Larry notes, "He’s changed."  "Cousin, just because he dresses different and talks different and acts different don’t that mean he’s . . . different," Balki argues.  "Balki, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are . . . it’s a duck," Larry states.  Balki thinks about this.  "Now, you were talking about my Cousin Bartok and then . . . you’re talking about a duck," Balki tries to understand, "I know it’s late and . . . and you’re tired, so . . . I’m going to give you some time to organize your thoughts."

The next day, Bart enters the apartment and sees Larry in the kitchen.  "Larr!" he exclaims, "Dude, what’s happening?"  He walks to Balki’s bedroom and looks in, then returns to the living room.  "Everything leveled out and cool, brohime?"  Bart flops down on the couch and asks, "Hey, is the Balkster home?"  "No, the Balkster is at the bank transferring his life savings into his checking account," Larry explains, sitting on the couch as well.  "All right!  ‘Cause I’m psyched to get the ball rolling on this deal," Bart smiles.  "I noticed," Larry observes, then talks seriously, "Bart . . . I know what you’re doing and I’m not gonna let you get your hands on Balki’s money."  "Oh wow!" Bart says, "I catch what’s going on here.  I come up with the most happenin’, outer-lunar, money-making scheme since the talking teddy bear and I don’t offer you a piece of it.  Oh wow, Larr . . . you have every right to be angry.  Mea culpa, amigo!  Larr, I’ll let you in on the deal.  Go ahead and get your checkbook."

Balki enters the apartment carrying his checkbook.  "Oh, look!  My two favorite cousins!  I’m so happy you’re getting along!"  "Balk-man!  Glad you made it!" Bart smiles, "I was starting to worry."  "Oh, don’t worry . . . be happy!" Balki smiles, "It’s check-writing time!"  Balki jumps over the chair to sit down as Bart sits on the couch.  "Now wait a minute, Balki," Larry says, "There’s something you should know.  I did a little investigating.  I called the west coast.  I talked to the designer of the Piece o’ the Beach beach towel."  "Oh wow, you talked to Mr. Greeley," Bart smiles.  "Yes," Larry confirms, "And according to him Bart has absolutely no marketing rights to the towel at all."  "Cousin, I thought you had an agreement with Mr. Greeley," Balki says.  "But, hey, no biggie!" Bart insists, "I mean, I could . . . those rights are just a phone call away.  I can reach out and touch the dude tonight."  "Bart, it won’t matter," Larry says, "Mr. Greeley said he has no intention of ever giving you those rights."

"Oh wow," Bart sighs, "Major downer!  But hey, there’s like, you know . . . there’s like a zillion killer ideas out there.  Like I heard one the other day.  Pet rock candy!  Blow my mind!  Balki, with my brains and your righteous bucks we could make it happen."  "Bart, it’s over," Larry states, "You’re the last person on earth Balki would lend money to."  Noticing that Balki is writing in his checkbook, Larry asks, "Balki, what are you doing?"  "I’m writing a check for my life savings," Balki explains.  "You’re what?" Larry gasps.  "Cousin . . . when a member of your family needs your help, you help him . . . no matter what the cost," Balki explains.  Larry sighs with frustration.  Balki tears the check from his checkbook and hands it to Bart, who looks at it.  "Oh, Balki, uh . . . you made a mistake," Bart points out, "You made this check out to Bartok and the bank only knows me as Bart."  He hands the check back to Balki.

"No, Cousin, I didn’t make a mistake," Balki says, "I’m not giving this money to Bart.  That would be stupid.  I’m giving this money to Bartok . . . ‘cause I know that somewhere inside them fancy clothes is the Bartok I grew up with.  And I know that that Bartok will use this money wisely."  Balki and Larry wait for Bart’s reaction.  Finally, in a Myposian accent, Bartok says, "I hate when you do this," and lowers his head in shame.  "Bart . . . you’re Myposian accent’s coming out," Larry notes.  "And that means the rest of the old Bartok can’t be far behind," Balki says, "Come on, Cousin.  Come on.  Let it out.  You’ve kept Bartok locked up for too long."  "I have to keep Bartok locked up," Bart explains, "Bartok is a dork."  "Cousin, why would you say such a thing?" Balki asks, "And what is a dork?"

"A loser," Bart explains, "The only way I can be a success is by being Bart.  My . . . my friend Frankie Bathgate says so."  "Cousin, excuse me for saying so but your friend Frankie Bathtub don’t know Dick Butkus about success," Balki states, "The only way to be a true success is by being yourself."  "Yeah, well . . . I . . . I don’t . . . I’m not sure I know who Bartok is any more," Bart says, "I think I lost him somewhere along the way."  "Well, I think I know where you can find Bartok again," Balki suggests, "Mypos."  "Well, how I can get back?" Bartok asks in his Myposian accent, "I don’t have any money."  "Well, I’ll tell you what," Balki says, "I’ll lend you the money to go home."  "You will?" Bartok asks.  Balki nods.  Bartok gets up and hugs him, saying, "Thank you, Cousin Balki."

Some time later, Larry and Balki are sitting at the dining table with their breakfast.  Balki is reading a letter aloud.  " . . . and make sure you give Cousin Larry my regard and tell him when I visit America again we’ll do lunch.  That’s a joke.  Where do I come up with them?"  Balki sets the letter down.  "Well, it sounds like Bartok is happy to be back on Mypos," Larry observes.  Balki looks at the envelope again, then picks up a colored business card he’d overlooked before.  "Oh look, Cousin!  He sent his business card.  ‘Bartok’s Glow in the Dark Sheep Collars.  Never lose a lamb at night again.’"  "It looks like Bartok took a little bit of Bart back to Mypos with him," Larry notes.  "Well, of course he did, don’t be bogus, dude," Balki replies.  "Balki, promise me you’ll never say ‘dude’ again," Larry asks.  "You got it . . . Larr," Balki laughs.

Script Variations:
There were some notable differences between the first draft script dated November 7, 1989 and the final episode:
- In the original script, Bart's full name was Bartel, not Bartok!
- The episode begins the same.  After Larry asks Balki if he washed the sheepskin his mother sent, Balki says, "If we want Cousin Bartel to feel at home here, we certainly don't want the apartment smelling lemon fresh."  "I hadn't thought of that," Larry comments.  Balki comes out of the kitchen with a pan he just took out of the oven.  "And look, I made Cousin Bartel's favorite meal in all the world.  (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN)  Pig spleen almondine."  Balki holds the pan up for Larry to smell.  Larry winces.  "I guess it wasn't the sheepskin after all."  After Larry is able to echo Balki's story about Cousin Bartel precisely, Balki doesn't ask "Were you there?"  Instead, he says, "I guess I've been talking about Cousin Bartel a lot, huh?"  "Well, other than that break you took to watch the Smurfs, it's been pretty non-stop," Larry admits.
- In this version, the Myposian welcome wreath is called the baroushka wreath.  The scene where Bartel arrives is mostly the same as what aired, except that Balki says, "Bite off your tongue" instead of "Bite your tongue off."  Then when Bart tells them that the cab is waiting downstairs, he asks, "Either of you got change for a hundred?"  "A hundred?" Larry asks, "Dollar bill?"  Balki offers to pay for the cab and hurries downstairs.
- Bart's story about L.A. is a little different as well.  He explains to Larry, "When I arrived in L.A., Larr, I stood out like a sore thumb.  So the first thing I did was get rid of everything that said 'Mypos.'  That included the clothes, the accent and junk like this."  He takes off the baroushka wreath.  "Balki made that especially for you," Larry points out.  "And don't think I don't appreciate it," Bart says, throwing it on the couch.  After Bart suggests getting a couple of "chicks" up there, he sniffs the air and says, "You guys ever hear of air freshener?"
- At the office, Larry is at his desk talking to Lydia while Gorpley is at Balki's worktable.  "It was nice meeting Balki's Cousni Bartel this morning," Lydia says.  "What did you think of him, Lydia?" Larry asks.  "Oh . . . nice," she says quickly.  "What did you really think of him, Lydia?" Larry presses.  "He made my skin crawl," Lydia confesses, "But that's not necessarily a bad thing."  After Mr. Gorpley says he likes him, Larry says, "Like him?  Wait a minute, Gorpley.  After you met him this morning, you said he was a slick, fast talking, well-dressed hustler."  "Yeah.  That's why I like him," Gorpley explains.  "Well, he certainly seems ambitious," Lydia notes, "Do you know anything about this big business deal he's working on?"  "Only that it's going to change the world as we know it and make Bart incredibly wealthy," Larry answers.  Balki enters, wearing brand new high top tennis shoes.  "Hi, Cousin, Miss Lydia, Mr. Gorpley.  I have great news."  "You've got new shoes, Balki?" Lydia guesses, "I've never seen you wear tennis shoes."  "Well, Cousin Bartel kind of talked me into them," Balki explains, "After the two suits, four sweaters and the week-at-a-glance calendar in the handsome leather carrying case I bought him, he insisted I buy something for myself.  But that's not the good news."  "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Larry interrupts, "You bought all that stuff for Bart?  I thought he had a lot of money."  "He does, Cousin.  But it's all tied up in CDs, T-Bills and municipal bondage," Balki explains, "And you know how stores hate out-of-state credit cards."  "This guy's good," Gorpley comments.  Balki invites them to the party on Saturday and Larry says he thought Bart was leaving on Wednesday.  "That's the good news, Cousin," Balki says, "Cousin Bartel has decided to open his corporate hindquarters in Chicago.  He's going to live here permanently."  "Uh, Balki, where is Cousin Bartel going to stay?" Larry asks.  "Don't worry, Cousin," Balki assures him, "He was going to stay at a hotel but I insisted he stay at our apartment."  Balki runs off to tell everyone else about the party.  "I changed my mind, Appleton," Gorpley says, "Bart's not a hustler.  He's a genius."
- The scene at the party also starts the same.  After Mr. Gorpley asks Balki what Bart's great idea is, Lydia says, "Sam's a little anxious.  He wants to know if it's worth stealing or not."  "Well, I would think so," Balki says, then tells them it's a beach towel.  "I'm going to get some dip," Gorpley says with disgust.  After Balki explains to Lydia about the "Piece o' the Beach" beach towel, she asks, "And?"  "Don't you see?" Balki asks, "When you put it on the beach, it blends right in.  Nobody can see it, so you never have to worry about it being stolen.  Cousin Bartel says it will cut beach towel theft in half."  "Well, I'm sure the insurance companies will breathe a little easier," Lydia comments, then asks how you find your towel again after swimming.  "I admit there are still a few bugs in the ointment to be worked out," Balki says, "but I wouldn't be surprised if Cousin Bartel were working on those problems right now."  Bartel is on the other side of the room trying his come-on line on a party guest.  He then tries it on Mary Anne.  After she says, "You're right here," he says, "Exactly.  And so are you.  And I don't think that's an accident.  You, me, together . . . Sounds like fate, doesn't it?"  "No.  Sounds like a cheap come-on line," Mary Anne says, and excuses herself.  When Jennifer then approaches him, she says, "You must be Bart.  I'm Jennifer, a friend of Balki's.  I live upstairs."  "Upstairs?" Bart asks, then launches into his come-on line.  After Larry stops him and points out Jennifer is his girlfriend, Bart says, "And a delightful woman she is, Larry.  You're a very lucky guy."  When Larry asks Jennifer to check on the cheddar puffs, Bart says, "Hey, Larr, major faux pas on my part.  Color me embarrassed."  "That's okay," Larry says.  "Listen, Larr," Bart begins, "I really want to thank you for letting me stay here this long.  I'm not the easiest person to be around.  Especially for a high strung guy like you.  But I've got some primo news."  He tells Larry about getting the financial backing and getting his own apartment.  "That is primo news," Larry agrees, then asks who his backer is.  The rest of the scene is the same.
- While cleaning up after the party, Balki tells Larry Bart is playing basketball, then explains he said he was going to play a little one-on-one with Miss Brock from advertising.  "He said with a little luck he might score tonight.  I don't see why not.  He's got the height advantage."  After Larry says they have to talk, Balki says, "I know, Cousin.  I'm really tired of always having cheese puffs at our parties.  In fact, even Mary Anne complained that -- "  Larry says he doesn't want to talk about cheese puffs.  "I want to talk about this beach towel venture.  It sounds very risky, and I'm not sure what kind of businessman Bart is."  "Oh, Cousin, he's a great businessman," Balki says, "When he was five years old he opened his first swine cooler stand for the thirsty goat herders coming home from the fields.  By the time he was seven, he had franchises on every goat path on Mypos.  And you know what his secret was?"  "Uh . . . I give up," Larry says.  "Location, location, location," Balki answers.  "Balki, Bart may have been terrific on Mypos but this is America.  We're talking about your life savings here.  I think it would be a big mistake to invest in something so risky."  Balki explains that he and Cousin Bartel have talked about the risk and that Bart says you have to spend money to make money.  "But it's your money he's spending," Larry points out, "In fact that's all he's been doing since he got here.  You paid for his cab.  You paid for his food.  You paid for his clothes.  Is there a word jumping out at you?"  Balki's eyes open and he says, "Oh, I see what's happening here.  How could I have been so blind?"  "Finally," Larry sighs.  "You're jealous of my friendship with Cousin Bartel," Balki states.  "What?!" Larry cries.  "Cousin, I'm surprised at you," Balki scolds, "Just because Cousin Bartel is such a dynamic personality is no reason for you to be jealous of him."  "Jealous?  I'm not jealous!" Larry insists, "I'm worried about your money!  The guy's a moocher, a leech, a parasite.  And he's using the fact he's a relative to rip you off."  "Cousin, I can't listen to any more of this," Balki says, "On Mypos, family trusts one another.  I trust Cousin Bartel, and we're going into business together."  "But Balki, I think Los Angeles did something to your Cousin.  He's changed."  "Cousin, I think I'd better go to my room before you say something I might regret," Balki huffs, and goes to his room.
- The next scene begins the same with Bart coming home and asking where Balki is.  Larry tells him the "Balkster" is at the bank transferring his life savings to his checking account.  Bart is excited and wants to get the ball rolling on this deal.  "I noticed," Larry says, then, "Bart, I have to tell you I'm a little surprised that you would take advantage of Balki by asking him to invest his life savings in (CYNICAL) the beach towel business."  "Scoff if you will," Bart says, "but when it comes to business, I like to think of myself as a man of vision."  "Well, your vision is blurred if you think I'm going to let you get money from Balki," Larry says seriously.  "Larr, I like you a lot, I really do," Bart says, "so I'm going to make this short and sweet: butt out."  After Balki gets home and is about to write the check, Larry says he called the west coast and talked to the manufacturer, " . . . and according to him, he has no interest in manufacturing your beach towel at all."  "Hey, you can get anybody to manufacture a product," Bart argues, "The key is distribution."  "I talked to your distributor, too," Larry says, "Mr. Bender thinks this idea is even worse than the six month deodorant you came up with."  "Hey, the army is still interested in that," Bart points out.  "But Cousin Bartel, I thought you had an agreement with these people," Balki says.  Bart is a bit shaken but tries to cover.  "Well, uh . . . define agreement."  "An agreement is when two people who trust each other make a promise that cannot be broken," Balki answers.  "Oh, that kind of an agreement," Bart sighs, "No, uh, we didn't have that kind of agreement.  But with money you can make things happen."  "Then you were going to take my life savings and invest it in a business that doesn't exist," Balki realizes.  "Well, I wouldn't have chosen those words but . . . yes," Bart admits defensively.  "I'm sorry, Balki," Larry sighs, "I know how much this must hurt you."  "That's alright, Cousin," Balki says, "I know you did this because you were looking out for me.  And I appreciate that very much."  Balki thinks for a moment, then starts writing out a check.  Balki writes the check for Bartel, much to Larry's chagrin.  Bart points out that Balki made the check out to Bartel when the bank only knows him as Bart.  Balki says he is giving the money to Bartel, not Bart, because he knows Cousin Bartel will use the money wisely.  "I hate when you do this," Bart sighs, then asks Larry, "Does he do this to you?"  "All the time," Larry confirms.  "I know that somewhere inside those fancy clothes is the Bartel I grew up with," Balki explains, "The one I sheared my first sheep with.  The one who first knew of my dream to go to America."  Bart tries to put the check in his pocket but can't.  He stands there a bit dazed.  "You know, Cousin Balki," Bart admits with shame, "one of the reasons I came to America was to be like you.  You success in this country is legend on Mypos.  They've ever named a street after you: Balki Boulevard."  "They named a street after Balki?" Larry asks with amazement.  "Not a paved one, Cousin," Balki explains, "You have to be dead for that."  "So after I landed in America, I wanted to be a success, too.  But I didn't know how.  Then I met some people who told me that before I could be a success, I had to look like a success, sound like a success and act like a success.  Unfortunately for me, I believed them."  "And Cousin Bartel became Bart," Larry follows.  "And this check isn't made out to Bart, so I can't take it," Bart says, then tears up the check.  "Now that looks like something the old Bartel would do," Balki notes.  Bart says he isn't sure who the old Bartel is any more and Balki says he thinks he knows where Bart can find him again.  "Mypos?" Bart asks.  "Think about it, Cousin," Balki says, "Don't you miss the sheep in the streets, the goats in the yard, the constant cleaning of your sandals?"  "Well, of course I do, don't be ridiculous," Bart agrees, "But how can I go back?  I've spent all my money on speech lessons, clothes and power lunches."  "Tell you what, Bartel," Larry says, "Balki and I will loan you the money to send you back to Mypos."  "Cousin, that's very generous of you, but you don't have to do that," Balki says.  "I know, Balki.  But I'm family, too," Larry explains.  "Thanks, guys," Bart smiles, "That would be great.  I'd better go pack."  Bart exits to Balki's room.  "Cousin, thanks for looking out for me," Balki says to Larry, "You are one terrific guy."  "Maybe, Balki, but I'm no legend," Larry says.  "True, Cousin, but look at the bright side," Balki offers, "At least you're living with one."
- The last scene also starts the same with Balki reading Bartel's letter to Larry.  "Wel, it sounds like Bartel's happy to be back on Mypos," Larry notes, "Tell me, Balki, why were you able to adjust to America when Bart wasn't?"  "Well, that's easy," Balki says, "When Bart came to America, he fell in with the wrong in-crowd.  When I came, I had a Cousin who looked out for me until I could take care of myself.  And I will always be grateful for that, Cousin."  "Hey, we're family," Larry smiles.  A card falls out of Bart's letter.  Balki picks it up.  "Cousin, look, a business card."  Larry reads it aloud: "'Bartel's Fluorescent Sheep Collars!  Never Lose a Lamb at Night Again."  "Looks like Cousin Bartel took a little bit of Bart back to Mypos with him," Balki notes.  "And Mypos will never be the same," Larry adds.

There were also some differences between the Shooting Draft dated November 15, 1989 and the final episode:
- In this version of the script, Justin Pinchot is credited as "Photo Double for Bronson."
- The episode starts in the same.  In this script, Balki comes out of the kitchen with a pan and explains, "And look, I made Cousin Bartok's favorite meal in the whole world.  Pork-pork ho-too-pocki-pingi!  Pig spleen almondine."  "I guess it wasn't the sheepskin," Larry says after smelling the dish.  (Since Balki isn't carrying a pan when he leaves the kitchen in the final episode, we can assume this part was cut before filming.)
- After Balki goes to his room to get the Babo-digo-bo wreath, Larry calls, "Balki, I was just wondering.  Where do you get the beards of a hundred unmilked goats?"  "From a goat barber shop," Balki replies from his room, "Where else?"  "I should have known," Larry sighs.  The rest of the first scene is the same, except Bart says "Excellent!" at the very end.
- In the second scene, after Mr. Gorpley says he likes Bart and Larry points out that Bart stuck him with the check, Mr. Gorpley explains, "Yeah.  That's why I like him.  I didn't think anybody could do that to me.  When I eat by myself I don't even pick up the check."
- When Balki enters wearing sunglasses, he explains, "Well, Cousin Bartok talked me into them.  Totally tubular, huh?  After I bought him two suits, four pairs of shoes and a fax machine, he insisted I buy something for myself.  But that's not the good news."  "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Larry interrupts, "You bought all that stuff for Bart?  Doesn't Bart have any money of his own?"  "Well of course he does.  Don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "After his business gets off the ground and his cash flow starts flowing he's going to pay me back."  "This guy's good," Mr. Gorpley notes.  Balki invites Lydia and Gorpley to the party and the rest of the scene is the same.
- The party scene starts the same.  Again Lydia says, "Sam's a little anxious.  He wants to know if it's worth stealing or not," after Gorpley presses Balki to tell him Bart's idea.  After hearing it's a beach towel, Gorpley says, "That's out of my league," and walks away.
- Once again Bart hits on another woman at the party before hitting on Mary Anne using the same line.  The rest of the scene is the same.
- The next scene is the same until Larry notes that Los Angeles did something to Bart and he's changes.  He adds, "He's not shy, meek and timid anymore.  He's brash, bold and . . . tubular."  After Balki is confused about Larry talking about a duck, he leaves and Larry says to himself, "When am I going to learn?  Never use metaphors."
- In the next scene, after Bart comes in and Larry says he knows what Bart is trying to do he continues, "I'm not going to let you swindle Balki out of his life savings."  "'Swindle him'?" Bart asks, "Whoa.  That's ugly.  The man's my family.  I'm going to make him a rich dude."  "Well, he's my family, too," Larry says, "You're not getting your hands on Balki's money."  This is when Bart thinks Larry wants in on the deal.
- After Balki says he thought Bart had an agreement with Mr. Greeley, Bart says, "Well, uh . . . define agreement."  As in the first draft script, Balki spells out what an agreement is and Bart admits he didn't have that kind of agreement.  Then he says the rights are just a phone call away.  After Larry tells him Mr. Greeley has no intention of giving Bart the rights, Bart says, "Major downer but don't get scorched, Balkman.  We'll come up with something else.  In fact, I've had my eye on a real winner: Pet rock candy."
- When Balki starts writing out the check and explains that you help family no matter what the cost, Bart says, "Excellent.  Thanks, Balki."  Then to Larry he adds, "He has confidence in me."  When Balki explains he is giving the money to Bartok, he mentions "The one I sheared my first sheep with.  The one who first knew of my dream to go to America."  When Bart starts speaking with an accent, Larry notes, "Bart, you've got an accent."  Bart tries to cover, trying to find his Bart accent again, "No, I don't, duke . . . uh . . . dude.  No, I don't, dude."  This is when Balki urges him to let Bartok out.  Bartok says, "But I have to keep him locked up.  Frankie Bathgate says Bartok is a loser.  He'll never make the big bucks.  He's not hip enough, sharp enough or together enough to be a success."
- After Bartok thanks Balki for loaning him the money to go home and they hug, he says, "You're right.  I should go home, but it's going to be rough facing everyone on Mypos.  I did a lot of bragging about how rich and famous I was going to be."  "It won't be so bad, Cousin," Balki says, "You may have to wear the Hood of Shame for a while, but with those snappy new clothes I bought you, you'll be the best dressed public disgrace on Mypos."
- The last scene is the same as the one that aired.

Back to:
EPISODE GUIDE

EPISODE LIST

EPISODE SYNOPSES

Back to the homepage!