Filmed on: November 9, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.5 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 84 - Everyone in the Pool
First Air Date: December 15, 1989
Filmed on: November 9, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.5 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen
sitting on the bookcase, and then Larry hands him to Balki on the couch. (Note
that Dimitri does not have a black nose in this episode!)
Balki-isms:
" . . . let me decompose
myself."
"Everything is becoming Crystal
Light."
"You know, uh . . . I’m perspiring
a little myself."
"You bet ten thousand dollars with a
librarian?"
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Wwowww!"
"Get out of the city!"
Mary Anne’s "Yay!"
"Oh po po!"
"Yes! Yes!"
"Oh God!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki uses an expression that goes,
"Well, something me something and call me something," in this case,
"Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky."
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Larry and Balki do the "macho
bit"
The Dance of Joy
Songs: "Money, Money" - sung by Balki as he counts his winnings from the football pool
Interesting facts:
- Once again life imitated art in this
episode. Mark won the West Bank Cafe's football pool in early 1989,
picking all of the games of the regular season. He brought his trophy with
him during an early 1989 appearance on The Pat Sajak Show to show off.
You can know watch this clip on our YouTube
channel!
- The song Balki sings which goes "Money makes
the world go around," is called Money, Money and is from the
musical, Cabaret.
- In one of the rare instances of topical humor on
the show, Larry tries to make a point by suggesting Balki "burn the flag
while the law is still vague." In 1989, this was a hot-button topic
started by the case of Texas vs. Johnson which went all the way to the Supreme
Court, in which the question was raised if flag burning was protected as free
speech under the Constitution. The Court's controversial 5 to 4 decision
that burning the flag was protected by the first amendment. Later that
year, Congress passed a statute entitled the Flag Protection Act which would
make burning the American flag a federal offense. The law was struck down
and further attempts to pass similar amendments have continuously been defeated,
so the law on this issue, to this day, remains vague.
- Balki's reference to a bookie on Mypos named Jimmy the Geek
is a play on the nickname of Jimmy "the Greek" Snyder, a well-known
and controversial American sportscaster and Las Vegas bookie.
- This episode includes an interesting variation on the Dance of Joy,
with Balki and Larry adding some additional steps which carry them clear of the
couch and into the open space of the living room where they can safely perform
the dance.
- This was the last first run episode to air in 1989. Sometime in
the next two weeks, a special Christmas greeting was aired during one of the
repeats of the series. You can view this hilarious Christmas greeting on
our YouTube channel!
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- Larry really must
have loosened up about gambling over the years as Balki's memory got
worse. Back in the second season episode, Babes in Babylon, Balki
specifically cited Larry didn't bet on the football pools at home. Not
only did Larry play the football pool in this episode but Balki forgot that he
knew what they were!
Synopsis:
The episode begins one night in the
apartment. Balki rushes in the front door with his school books over his
shoulder. "Cousin!" he calls as he hurries to the dining table,
dropping his books and jacket on the end table along the way, "I . . . I
just heard the greatest joke at night school. Wait a minute, wait a minute . . .
let me decompose myself." Balki takes a moment with his hand over his face
while Larry waits. "Okay, listen to this! I just drove in from L.A. and
boy, are my arms tired!" Balki laughs, then stops. "No, no, no, I didn’t
tell that right. Wait a minute . . . " Balki turns away to think about it.
"Balki, uh . . . I’d love to hear a joke but I’m kind of busy,"
Larry points out. "Oh, Cousin, what you are doing?" Balki asks as he
sits down at the table with Larry. "Well, I’m making my selections for
the football pool at work," Larry explains. He is surrounded by books and
papers of stats and information. "Football pool?" Balki asks.
"A
football pool," Larry repeats.
"Well, feed me garlic and call me
stinky," Balki states, "I didn’t even know they had a pool at work,
let alone one large enough to play football in." "Balki, a football
pool is like a lottery," Larry explains, "For a dollar, you pick the
teams you think are gonna win on Sunday and whoever picks the most winners
wins." "Wwowww!" Balki says, "What does the winner who picks
the most winners wind up winning?" "Well, usually around sixty-five
dollars," Larry answers. "Get out of the city!" Balki gasps,
"Sixty-five dollars? I want to play!" Balki reaches into his pocket
and pulls out a dollar. "Here’s my dollar. What do I do next?"
"Well, just circle all the teams you think are gonna win," Larry says,
handing Balki a card and a pencil. Balki is about to start when Larry says,
"Uh, Balki, keep in mind picking winning football teams is very
complicated." Balki starts filling out his card as Larry continues.
"If you have any questions at all, don’t be afraid to ask." Balki
picks up his completed card and asks, "Where do I turn this in?"
The next day at the Chronicle, a man
enters the basement from the loading dock, walking quickly. Balki is following
behind, trying 
to keep up with him.
"Okay, no no no . . . no no . . . that
wasn’t it, that wasn’t it," Balki insists, "I got it now, I got
it." The man stops and waits for Balki to speak. "I just took a bus in
from Denver and boy are my arms tired." Balki pauses, then admits,
"Wait a minute, no no no . . . that wasn’t it." "I didn’t
think so," the man says, and he walks away. Balki walks to Larry’s desk,
where Larry is standing. Lydia is waiting by the elevator. "Boy, comedy’s
tough," Balki notes. Mr. Gorpley exits from his office and crosses over to
them. "Ah, Bartokomous," he calls, "I don’t know how you did
it, but you won the football pool." Lydia has walked to Larry’s desk and
asks, "Balki won the football pool?" "Balki won the football
pool?" Larry also asks. "Balki won the football pool?" Balki asks
as well, "How much did he win?"
"Well, you would have won sixty-five
dollars if it weren’t for that darn immigrant rule," Mr. Gorpley smirks.
"Sam, give him his money or I will print the letter your ex-wife wrote to
my advice column," Lydia threatens, "You know . . . the one she signed
‘Short-Changed in Chicago?’" "Hey, I guess we can waive the rule
this week!" Mr. Gorpley smiles sweetly and he hands Balki the money. "Thank you, Mr. Gorpley!" Balki hugs him in return.
"Lydia, I
hear you got three this week," Mr. Gorpley says, "You getting outside
help?" Mr. Gorpley laughs and heads back to his office. Lydia burns with
anger. "I’m gonna print the letter anyway," she tells Larry and she
exits into the elevator. "Balki," Larry says as he looks at Balki’s
card, "You picked all thirteen winners. How’d you do that?"
"I don’t know," Balki answers,
"It must have been my sheepherder’s intuition." "Sheepherder’s
intuition?" Larry asks. "Yeah, Cousin," Balki confirms as he
looks at his picks, "Now that I look at it, it makes perfect sense. Obviously a Bronco can beat a Colt.
And a Lion could beat a Bengal . . . after
all, the lion is king of the jungle. And I took the Bills over the Chargers
because no matter how much you keep charging, sooner or later . . . you have to
pay the bill." "Well, Balki’s, that’s certainly a cute little
system," Larry says in a condescending manner, "but I wouldn’t plan
on you being lucky enough to win another pool with it." "Well, I’d
rather have a cute little system than an empty little wallet," Balki
counters. Balki walks away dancing.
Four weeks later at the Chronicle, Mr.
Gorpley slumps out of his office and walks to Larry’s desk. "Appleton,
here’s your pick sheet for the football pool," Gorpley sighs. "I’ll
need one for Balki," Larry reminds him. "Why?" Gorpley asks,
"Isn’t winning the last five weeks in a row enough for him?" Mr.
Gorpley walks up the stairs as Larry picks up the receiver of his phone and
dials. "Hello, Tom?" Larry asks, "Yeah, this is Larry.
Yeah, uh .
. . are you still betting with a bookie? Could I have his name? The Mole?
Is
that a family name? Well, could you give me his number? ‘Cause I wanna make
some football bets. I’ve got a sure thing." Larry jots down the phone
number on a notepad. "Thank you," he offers, then hangs up.
He picks
up the football picks card for the week and looks at it as Balki enters from the
loading dock, looking a complete mess.
"Okay, Cousin," Balki says,
"I got it now. Listen to this! I just flew in from L.A. and boy am I
tired." Balki thinks a moment then says, "No, no, no, no, it’s
missing something." "Balki, what happened to you?" Larry asks,
motioning to Balki’s shirt which appears to be covered with black hand prints.
"Oh! Cousin, this just isn’t my day," Balki sighs, "I was in
the press room telling the guys how that I won the football pool again. And they
were just slapping me on the back and slapping me on the front. I guess they
forgot they had ink all over their hands." "Well, what’s all this
yellow and green stuff?" Larry asks, motioning to a big stain on Balki’s
pants. "Oh, that would be a Denver omelette," Balki explains, "I
was in the cafeteria telling Millie the waitress about how that I won the
football pool again and she accidentally dropped the omelette into my lap . . .
hot out of the microwave." Balki heads for his worktable.
"Uh, Balki, here’s your entry for
the football pool," Larry chases after him with the card, "Why don’t
you fill it out?" "I can’t, Cousin," Balki says, picking up his
pencil holder, "Somebody accidentally broke the points off all my
pencils." "Well here, use mine," Larry offers, handing Balki his
pencil. Lydia enters from the archives and approaches them. "Well, Balki,"
she smiles, "Are you gonna suck all the fun out of this week’s football
pool?" "Oh no," Balki says, "I was just about to make my
picks." "Oh, may I borrow your pencil?" Lydia asks. "Sure," Balki says, handing it to her.
She proceeds to press the tip
into Balki’s worktable until it breaks. "Sorry," she smiles, handing
it back to Balki before walking away. "Wait a minute, Cousin," Balki
says after she leaves, "Everything is becoming Crystal Light. Every time
the subject of the football pool comes up, somebody has an accident . . . and it’s
always me. I think those two things are connected."
"No, they’re not," Larry lies,
"What do you think of the Bears this week?" "Cousin, listen to
me," Balki says, "I think everyone is angry with me for winning the
football pool and maybe I won’t play this week." "Oh no, you can’t
quit now!" Larry insists. "Why not?" Balki asks. "Well,
because you made a commitment to play the football pool and . . . and you’ve
got to live up to that," Larry answers. "A commitment to who?"
Balki asks. "To who?" Larry fumbles, "To . . . to everyone in the
pool. To the game itself! To America! To everything this country stands for!
Why
don’t you just burn the flag while the law’s still vague?" "Cousin, I don’t want to burn the flag," Balki says, "I . . . I
just don’t want to play the football pool any more. I don’t want people to
be angry with me."
"Well, if you think they’re angry
now just wait ‘til you tell them you’re quitting," Larry says. "Well, Cousin, what if I explain to them that if I quit they’ll have a
better chance of winning?" "Well, Balki, no . . . they don’t just
want to win," Larry explains, "They want to beat you!" "Beat
me?" Balki asks, his eyes widening, "With a stick? Cousin, it’s just
a game! Don’t let them beat me." "No, no, no, no, no, they don’t
want to beat you with a stick," Larry assures him, "They want to beat
you in the pool. I tried to tell you it was complicated but you insisted on
playing. I’m afraid you’re stuck. So, why don’t you just make your
picks?" "Cousin, I . . . I’ll make my picks later," Balki
promises, "Right now I got to . . . " Balki looks around and lowers
his voice. " . . . I got to go and get the hash browns out of my
pants." Balki walks away.
That night at the apartment, Balki and
Mary Anne are sitting on the couch together. "Balki, what’s wrong?"
Mary Anne asks. "Well, for the past five weeks I’ve been playing the
football pool at work," Balki explains. "Yeah?" Mary Anne says.
"And for the past five weeks I’ve won." "Oh, that would get
anybody down," Mary Anne sympathizes. Balki leans his head on her shoulder.
"Yeah. Everybody is angry with me for winning and I . . . I wish I didn’t
have to play any more." "Well, why don’t you just quit?" Mary
Anne asks. "Well, I wanted to but Cousin Larry said that that would only
make people angrier because they don’t just want to win, they want to beat
me." "Well, why don’t you just let them?" Mary Anne asks.
"Well . . . well, how I do that?" Balki wonders. "Well, just pick
all the losers," Mary Anne suggests, "That way you’d still be
playing but somebody else could win."
"Mary Anne, that’s brilliant!"
"Thanks, Balki, you inspire me." "You know, uh . . . I’m
perspiring a little myself," Balki says. They move closer to one another
and begin to kiss just as Larry walks in the door and straight to the couch.
"Hi, Balki, did you fill out your football pool?" Larry asks. "Hi, Larry," Mary Anne says.
"Oh hi, Mary Anne, I didn’t see
you," Larry says. "Uh, we were just about to go to the movies,"
Balki says as he and Mary Anne stand up. "Oh, terrific," Larry says,
speaking quickly, "Why don’t you fill out your football pool before you
go? I’ll take it over to Mr. Gorpley." Mary Anne and Balki share a look
and Balki agrees, "All right. Here goes."
Balki and Mary Anne sit on the couch and
giggle between themselves as Balki checks off his picks. They give each other
the shush sign and look to Larry. "Finished?" Larry asks. Balki nods.
"Good, okay," Larry says, moving to the front door to open it for
them, "Well, you two have a nice evening. Don’t be out late now.
Bye
bye!" "Bye," Mary Anne says and she and Balki leave. "Bye,
bye, bye," Larry adds, then closes the door behind them and runs to get
Balki’s picks sheet from the coffee table before racing to the phone on the
counter. He dials the phone then asks, "Hello, is this . . . the Mole?
Yes,
uh, this is Larry Appleton. Tom told me I should call. Yes, I want to bet ten
football games, a thousand dollars a game. That’s right . . . ten thousand big
ones!" The scene fades to black.
That Sunday evening, Balki and Mary Anne
are watching a football game on television in the apartment. "And the
Chiefs beat the Jets 45 to 3," an announcer on the television states.
"Oh, all right!" Balki cheers. "Yay!" Mary Anne yells.
"I did it! I did it!" Balki laughs as he hugs Mary Anne, "I lost
every game." "I’m so proud of you!" Mary Anne exclaims, giving
Balki a kiss. "Thank you, Mary Anne. It will be so nice to go to work
tomorrow and not have people throw food at me." "Why wasn’t Larry
here to watch the game?" Mary Anne asks as she uses the remote to turn off
the television. "Oh, he went to the Sports Grill," Balki explains,
"They have ten television sets there so you can watch all the games at one
time. I’ll bet he’s having the time of his life." The door opens and
Larry enters, looking stunned. Balki and Mary Anne stand up to meet him.
"Cousin? Are you all right?" Balki asks.
"Mary Anne, could I talk to Balki
alone?" Larry asks. "I don’t see why not," Mary Anne replies,
not moving. She finally 
understands.
"Oh, now! Oh, sure. I gotta go anyway. Bye, Balki."
She gives him a kiss. "Bye, Mary Anne," Balki says
as she leaves. Larry turns to Balki with his eyes wide. "Balki, do you
realize you didn’t pick one single winning team?" "I know,"
Balki smiles, "Isn’t it wonderful?" Balki then realizes
something and asks, "How did you know?" "I copied
your picks," Larry explains. "Cousin, I’m surprised at you!
You know
cheaters never win." "I know now!" Larry assures him, "How
could you lose every game?" "Well, you know, Cousin, in a way it was
your idea," Balki begins, "See, you said that people would be happy if
they beat me, so I decided to pick all the losers and make everybody
happy!" "Not everybody," Larry corrects. Larry walks toward the
couch. "Balki, I used your picks and bet ten thousand dollars with a
bookie." "You bet ten thousand dollars with a librarian?" Balki
asks.
"A bookie," Larry clarifies,
"A bookie. A bookie is someone who takes bets on sporting events.
And now I
owe this guy ten 
thousand dollars."
They both sit down. "Oh po po,"
Balki gasps, "Cousin, you know on Mypos we have one of them guys . . .
Jimmy the Geek. When you bet on the sheep races and you don’t pay up, he
shaves your head and calls you baldy in front of your parents. It’s ugly.
Very
ugly." "Well, Balki, this is America," Larry says, "Things
are a little different here. When bookies aren’t paid, they have been known to
break legs." "Cousin, we . . . we can’t let them do that!"
Balki cries, jumping up, "I’m going to call the police!" Larry jumps
up after him. "No, no, no, no, no, Balki! Balki! Balki, you can’t call
the police." "Cousin, we have to! What they’re going to do is
illegal!" "So is betting with a bookie," Larry explains.
"Cousin! How could you do something you knew was illegal?" Balki asks.
"I don’t know. I did it. It was stupid, I’m sorry. But what am I gonna
do? Balki, he knows my name . . . he knows where I live . . . he knows where I
keep my knees."
They return to the couch. "Oh,
Cousin," Balki sighs, "What are you going to do?" "Well,
there’s only one thing I can do," Larry 
says, "I’ll bet another
ten thousand dollars on tomorrow night’s game." "Cousin, I don’t
know much about the game but if they’ll break your legs for ten thousand
dollars, for twenty thousand they might break something . . . you really
need," Balki notes. "Well, that’s not gonna happen," Larry
says, picking up the newspaper, "Because after you pick tomorrow night’s
winner, I’ll be even! All right, let’s see who is playing."
Balki
snatches the paper from Larry. "Now, wait just a minute, not so fast.
"What? What? What is it?" Larry asks. "Cousin, the only way I’m
going to go along with this is if you promise to never, and I mean never, ever, ever
bet on a football game again!" Balki insists. "Balki, I promise never,
and I mean never, ever, ever, ever to bet on a football game again,"
Larry swears. "And promise you’ll take me to Disney World," Balki
adds. "And I promise I’ll take you to . . . Balki," Larry stops.
"Sorry, it was worth a shot," Balki admits, "Okay, I’ll help
you."
He hands Larry the paper.
"All right,
all right," Larry says, "Now, do whatever you need to do to get your
sheepherder’s intuition to kick in." "Oh, I just need to
relax," Balki says. "You need to relax?" Larry asks. "Yeah," Balki nods.
"Here, put your feet up," Larry insists,
pushing Balki back onto the couch and putting his feet up for him. "Here,
pillow . . . pillow." Larry puts a pillow behind Balki’s head.
"Anything else?" Larry asks. "Uh, could you get me Dimitri?"
Balki asks. Larry runs to the bookcase and gets Dimitri, handing him to Balki,
who smiles. "Could you dim the lights?" Balki asks. Larry turns off
the orange lamp on the end table. "All right, all right," Larry says,
walking to the front of the couch and sitting down as he looks at the paper,
"Here we go. Ready? The Packers and the Browns. Who’s gonna win?"
"Browns, Packers," Balki
repeats, "Browns or Packers, Browns or Packers." Balki looks as if he
has an answer, then asks, "What are my choices again?" Larry throws
the paper away and grabs Balki by the shirt, pulling him up to his face. "The Browns or the Packers?
The Browns or the Packers?" Larry screams. "I don’t know, Cousin, I can’t do it under this much pressure!"
Balki cries. "All right, all right, relax," Larry says, pushing Balki
back down and moving around to massage his temples, "Relax! Relax!
Relax! There’s no pressure. There’s no pressure . . . it’s just my life!"
Balki sits up quickly, then turns to look back at Larry. "The Browns or
the Packers?" Larry asks again. "The Browns," Balki answers.
"The Browns?" Larry asks, launching himself across the couch to grab
Balki’s shirt again. "Yes." "The Browns?"
"The
Browns!" Balki confirms. "The Browns!" Larry repeats as he starts
to get off the couch and the scene fades.
The next night, Balki and Larry are
watching the football game on television. "They still have a shot at
winning this game," the announcer reports, "The Packers have the ball
at their own 25 . . . Salo’s back to pass . . . chased out of the pocket . .
. going long . . . intercepted by the Browns!" "Yes! Yes!" Larry
screams, "Balki, all the Browns have to do to win is to run out thirty
seconds on the clock." He and Balki do a high five and then do their macho
bit where they mimic snatching at success. "Oh, Balki . . . thank
you," Larry offers, "I owe you my legs . . . and anything else that
might have been broken." "You’re welcome, Cousin," Balki says.
"Boy, after all that yelling I could use a soda," Larry says, "Do
you want one?" "Sure, love one," Balki replies. Larry gets up and
walks around the back of the couch to go to the kitchen as the game continues on
the television and the announcer calls the plays.
"Here’s the snap . . . he hands off
to Taylor . . . Taylor fumbles!" "Fumble?" Larry asks worriedly,
stopping to watch the game 
again.
"It’s picked up by the Packers at the twenty! He’s
at the thirty! He’s at the forty!" Larry climbs over the back of the couch,
watching intently. "It’s a foot race!" "He’s at the
fifty!" Larry
realizes, grabbing Balki around the neck. "He’s at the fifty!" the
announcer echoes. "He’s at the forty!" Larry gasps. "The
forty!"
the announcer repeats. "Get him!" Larry cries, twisting Balki’s neck
under his arm and grabbing Balki’s hair, "Get him! Hold him!"
"He may go all the way!" the announcer continues. "Get him!
Tackle him!" Larry cries, throwing Balki around like a rag doll, "Kill
him!" "He’s at the ten!" the announcer calls. "No!"
Larry cries, throwing Balki forward. "Down to the five!" "No!"
Larry cries, pulling Balki back up again. "He’s down! Down at the one
yard line!" "Yes!" Larry yells, throwing Balki forward.
Balki
bounces back up again and looks confused.
"What a turn this game has
taken!" the announcer says. "Is that a good thing?" Balki asks.
"No," Larry says, "It’s a bad thing. A very bad thing.
Balki, I’m
leaving the country." Balki looks startled. "The Packers have time for
one last play," the announcer begins again. Larry clutches Balki’s
shoulder. "There’s the snap . . . Salo’s back to pass . . . "
Larry throws Balki down across his lap. "Get him!" Larry cries,
grabbing Balki’s face tightly, "Get him!" "Ow!" Balki
cries. Larry throws Balki away from him. "Go for his knees!" Larry
yells, grabbing Balki’s leg. "Oh God!" Balki gasps. "Go for his
knees!" Larry screams, twisting Balki’s leg in a painful fashion. "He scrambles left!" the announcer continues.
Larry reaches over and
grabs the back of Balki’s head by the hair, screaming, "Get him! Get
him!" Larry throws Balki aside and Balki tries to escape over the back of
the couch.
"There’s a tackle at the
five!" "Throw a cheerleader at him!" Larry yells, grabbing Balki
and tossing him over the back of the couch. "Oh, he’s hit hard!" the
announcer calls, "He fumbles into the end zone! There’s a pileup . . .
whoever comes up with the ball is going to be the winner!" Balki pops up
from behind the couch and asks, "Who has the ball?" "I don’t
know!" Larry cries, throwing his arms out and hitting Balki in the face,
knocking him back down again. "They’re peeling off the players," the
announcer says, "The Browns have the ball. The Browns win it! The Browns
win it!" "Yes! Yes, Balki!" Larry cries excitedly, looking
around, "Balki? Balki!" Balki pops up from behind the couch and Larry
pulls him over, "I won! I won! I’m even! I get to keep my knees."
"Oh Cousin!" Balki exclaims as
they stand up, "Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!" They
make several dance steps to move out away from the couch and then perform the
Dance of Joy. Balki carries Larry back to the couch and sets him on his feet.
They sit down together. "Balki, I have learned my lesson," Larry says,
"I will never bet a football game again." "Well, Cousin, that’s
good," Balki sighs, "Sports are for fun. They shouldn’t be life
threatening." "You are absolutely right," Larry agrees,
"Thanks for coming to my rescue." "Well, you’re welcome,"
Balki says. " . . . coming up. And next week I’ll be flying to
Atlanta," the announcer is saying, "Boy, will my arms be tired."
Balki leans forward excitedly. "That’s it!" Balki exclaims,
"Atlanta!" On Larry’s reaction, the episode ends.
Script Variations:
There are some interesting differences between the
first draft script dated October 25, 1989 and the episode which aired:
- The
running joke with Balki trying to tell the "I just flew in from . . .
" joke is not in this version of the script. Balki says, "Well,
I'll be snookered," before saying he didn't know the Chronicle had a
pool. After Balki says he wants to play, Larry says, "Whoa, slow down
Balki. Picking winners at football is very complicated. For example,
if the team played on the previous Monday, they only have five days of
rest. Therefore, fatigue might be a factor. However if their
opponent played on artificial turf the previous week, which of course takes more
out of the running backs, it forces that team to go to the passing game.
Then fatigue is not a factor. However, if they have to travel east they
pass through three time zones and jet lag may become a factor. However . .
. " Balki cuts him off, asking, "Cousin, can I just
play?" "Fine, fine," Larry says, "It's your
dollar." Larry hands Balki a pool sheet. "Thank you,
Cousin," Balki says, then grabs a pencil and quickly goes down the sheet
circling teams. "Now Balki, if you have any questions, don't be
afraid to ask," Larry says, "And feel free to use any of my research
material, but remember you have to have this in Friday by noon."
Balki hands Larry the sheet and says, "I think I made the deadline."
- The next scene begins with Larry
sitting at his desk at the Chronicle reading the sports page. Lydia
enters. "So, how did you do in the football pool, Lydia?" Larry
asks. "I picked three and I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
Lydia answers in an irritated voice. "I picked eleven," Larry
says. "You want to hurt me, is that it?" Lydia asks.
"I'm sorry," Larry offers, "It's just the best I've ever
done. I think I've got a good chance to win." Balki
enters. "Balki, I picked eleven of thirteen in the football
pool," Larry says proudly. "That's great, Cousin," Balki
smiles, "How did you do, Miss Lydia?" "I got three. I
got three. Alright?" she snaps. "She's a little upset,
Balki," Larry explains. Mr. Gorpley comes out to announce that Balki
won the football pool and mentions that "darn immigrant rule."
"There's an immigrant rule?" Balki asks. "Yeah, it says
anyone can play the pool, but only a citizen can win it," Gorpley lies,
"I guess the money just rolls over to next week." Lydia
threatens to print the letter Gorpley's ex-wife wrote to her column but doesn't
say it was signed anything. Gorpley teases Lydia about picking three and
leaves. "That's the last time I date the sports editor," Lydia
says, and she exits. Larry congratulates Balki and asks how he did
it. "I just used my sheepherder's intuition and my system,"
Balki explains. "Your system?" Larry asks.
"Yes. You see, the first game was very easy to pick because it's
quite obvious that a Bronco can beat a Colt. The second game gave me a
little trouble, but I figured, and figured correctly I might add, that when it
came right down to it, a Lion could beat a Bengal. After all a lion is
king of the jungle. And of course an Eagle can easily beat a little bitty
bird like a Cardinal. In fact it doesn't seem fair. Now the Bears .
. . " The rest of the scene is the same as aired.
- Three weeks later, Larry is working
at his desk when Mr. Gorpley enters the basement from his office carrying an
envelope. "Appleton, do me a favor. Give this to the Mypiot."
He throws the envelope on Larry's desk. "If I have to say the words,
'You won the football pool' to him for the fourth week in a row, I'll lose my
breakfast." Gorpley exits and Larry picks up the phone and
dials. "Hello. I'd like to speak to (uncomfortable) 'The Mole'
please. I'm speaking to 'The Mole?' Okay. You're 'Loading Dock
Johnny's' bookie, right? Great. This is 'Madison Larry' . . . that's
right, Larry Appleton. How did you know? . . . 'Loading Dock Johnny' told
you. Well, I just wanted to know when I need to have my football bets
in. (bluffing) Good that's the same way my man does it.
(caught) Oh, Johnny told you it was the first time I ever gambled.
Okay, I'll call you Friday night then." Larry hangs up the phone and
Balki enters. They ad-lib hellos. "I've got your winnings here
for you, Balki," Larry says, handing Balki the envelope, "You are on
some kind of a streak. Way to go buddy." "I don't know,
Cousin," Balki says sadly, "I think it's time for me to jump out of
the pool." Larry is stunned. "Whoa. Hold on.
What do you mean you're through with the pool? You're winning every
week." "That's the problem," Balki sighs, "Since I've
been winning the pool every week, everyone seems mad at me. Even Mr.
Gorpley is not his usual sweet self." "Balki, believe me, you're
just imagining this," Larry says. Lydia enters from the garage and
walks to the elevator. "So, Balki, did you suck all the fun out of
this week's pool, too?" "I'm afraid so, Miss Lydia," Balki
says sadly, "I guess I'm just a lucky guy." The elevator doors
open and Lydia steps in. "Thanks a lot, Balki. I could have won
this week. I picked five winners." The elevator doors
close. "That settles it," Balki states, "No more football
pools for me." Larry makes the point about Balki making a commitment
to play the football pool and his speech is the same as in the show. After
Larry says they want to beat Balki, Balki says, "I had no idea what I was
getting into." "I tried to tell you it was complicated, but you
insisted on playing," Larry continues, "Face it, Balki, you made your
bed, now you have to lie in it." "You're right, Cousin,"
Balki sighs, "but all that money under my mattress is making it very
uncomfortable."
- The next scene starts with Balki at
the dining room table studying his football pool picks. There's a knock at
the door. "Come in," he calls. Mary Anne enters.
"Hi, Balki. Are you ready to go to the movies?" "I'm
sorry, Mary Anne. But I really don't feel like going to the
movies." "What's wrong?" Mary Anne asks. Their
dialogue is much the same as in the final episode. After Mary Anne tells
Balki that he inspires her, Balki says, "I'm feeling pretty warm
myself." Balki makes his football picks and says, "There.
Now we can go to the movies." "Great," Mary Anne
says. They head for the door when Larry enters. Larry asks if Balki
made his football picks and Balki says, "You bet, Cousin. It's right
on the dining room table." "Great," Larry says, "You
two have a ball at the movies." The rest of the scene plays the same,
except when Larry calls the Mole he starts to introduce himself as "Madison
. . . uh, Larry Appleton."
- Act two begins the same, except
Balki tells Mary Anne that Larry went to the "Stats Bar 'N Grill" to
watch the games. When Larry comes in and asks Mary Anne if he can speak
with Balki alone, Mary Anne answers, "Probably," then realizes he
wants her to leave. After Balki says he decided to pick the losers and
make everyone happy, Larry replies, "Not everyone. Balki, I lost
money because of your plan." "Well, Cousin, if you're worried
about the dollar you spent on the football pool, I can cover your
loss." Balki takes out his wallet. After thinking Larry bet ten
thousand dollars with a librarian, Larry explains, "A bookie is someone who
takes bets on sporting events . . . like football." "You mean
like Mr. Gorpley's football pool?" Balki asks. "Well, yes but on
a much larger scale," Larry replies, "And now I owe this guy ten
thousand dollars." "I had no idea you had that kind of
money," Balki says. "I don't." "Well, that
sounds like trouble," Balki deduces. "Yes!"
"Cousin, I'm sure all you have to do is call this bookie fellow, tell him
what happened and he'll understand. I bet he even gets a big kick out of
it." "Balki, bookies don't get a kick out of anything, except
being paid," Larry says, "And when they're not paid they've been known
to break legs." "That's so self destructive," Balki
notes. "Not their legs. My legs." "Oh.
Isn't that illegal?" Balki asks. "Yes. So is betting with
a bookie." Balki is shocked. "Cousin. How could you
do something you knew was illegal?" "I was stupid," Larry
admits, "And I'm very sorry that I did. But I don't know what I'm
going to do." "Well, there must be some way out of this
mess," Balki thinks. Larry ponders this for a beat then
brightens. "Yes. Yes there is a way out of this. But I'll
need your help." "Well, you've got that, Cousin," Balki
promises. "All you have to do is pick the winner of tomorrow night's
game," Larry explains, "I'll bet another ten thousand dollars and
we're even." "Make a new plan, Stan," Balki says,
"I'll do anything but that. Two wrongs do not put moss on a rolling
stone." There's a knock at the door. Balki answers it.
The Mole, a short greasy character and Bubba, a huge hulking man with no neck,
enter. "I'm look for Larry Appleton," the Mole says. Larry
answers (a la Jose Vasquez) "Larry Appleton is not home right now.
I'll give him the message that you stopped by." "Oh, an
accent," the Mole smiles, "Nice touch. Give me my
money." "You know, I was thinking instead of one large, bulky
wad of cash, there are many, many tax advantages to deferred payments,"
Larry talks quiclky, "Now, we could set up . . . " "You
know," the Mole interrupts, "there are many, many disadvantages to
having Bubba rearrange your limbs." Bubba takes a step towards Larry
and bends the fireplace poker. "Bubba, you don't want to do
that," Larry assures him, "I'll have to buy all new
clothes." "Oh. I think there's a big misunderstanding
here," Balki says, "We were under the impression that we still had
tomorrow night's game to bet." Larry is stunned. "And what
if you lose tomorrow night?" the Mole asks. "Well, then I guess
I would owe you twenty thousand dollars," Larry answers. "Yeah,
twenty thousand or two legs," the Mole replies. Larry and Balki
discuss the arithmetic of this and their four legs. "That's
fair," the answer together. "I'll call you later with my
bet," Larry says. "You're on," the Mole agrees, "But
no funny stuff." The Mole and Bubba exit. Larry closes the door
and lets out a big sigh. "Thank you for saving my life, Balki.
Let's see who's playing tomorrow night." Balki makes Larry promise
he'll never bet on the football games again. "That's good,
Cousin," Balki says afterward, "I'd hate to see your knee caps
broken. You look silly enough in shorts as it is." After Larry
gives Balki the choice between the Browns and the Packers, Balki says, "Uh
. . . I don't know, Cousin." "What do you mean you don't
know?" Larry asks. "I don't know what a Brown or a Packer
is," Balki points out. "Well, the Packers are meat
packers," Larry explains, "And the Browns are . . . just Browns,
that's all." "Well, let's see," Balki thinks, "Meat
packers, Browns. Sometimes meat is brown unless you leave it out too long
and then it turns kind of green and these fuzzy things start growing on
it." "Yes? Yes?" Larry asks excitedly.
"And there were of course the Brownies you bought the cookies from, but
they didn't look like football players. But they were very
aggressive. But then again . . . " "Balki!" Larry
yells. Balki says he can't do it under that much pressure. Larry
says there's no pressure, only that his life depends upon it. "Okay,
okay, umm . . . um . . . the Brownies," Balki picks. "You mean
the Browns," Larry says. "Okay, the Browns," Balki
agrees. "The Browns. Great. Are you sure?" Larry
asks. "Well, there's only one way to be absolutely sure," Balki
says, then takes out a coin and tosses it. "Flipping a coin?"
Larry asks worriedly, "That's how you're going to be sure? What
happened to sheepherder's intuition?" "It is sheepherder's
intuition," Balki assures him, "Although on Mypos we usually flip a
sheep. That's where the expression "heads of tails" comes
from." Balki looks at the coin. "I was right. The
Browns."
- The final scene in which
they are watching the football game is different in some ways. It starts
off with the Browns winning by two points with less than a minute to play after
a field goal kick. "The Browns are set to kick-off," the
announcer says, "Here's the kick. It's deep . . . "
"Yes," Larry says. "It's taken by Kenny Salo in his end
zone," the announcer reports. "Salo stinks," Larry moans,
"He couldn't return a birthday present." "Well, he probably
considers everyone's feelings," Balki says. This is when Salo makes
the run for the end zone and Larry starts freaking out, yelling at the TV
(although he isn't pulling Balki around in this version). "Kenny Salo
is going all the way for a touchdown," the announcer calls.
"Those damn little kickers," Larry swears, "No. No.
This can't be happening." "What incredible blocking," Balki
observes, "With a hole like that, I could have run it back."
"And there's the extra point," the announcer says, "The Packers
lead by five with just twenty seconds to go." "That's it,"
Larry moans, "I'm packing." "Not so fast, Cousin,"
Balki says, "Maybe your team can do the same thing."
"You're right, Balki," Larry hopes, "Moffatt's the leading kick
returner in the league." "Here's the kick . . . it's deep . . .
taken by Moffatt at his own five." "Yes! Yes!" Larry
screams, the panics as he observes, "He trips at the seven. I don't
believe it. Moffatt, you stink!" "Cousin there's still
fourteen seconds left," Balki points out. "Big deal," Larry
sighs, "Our only hope is a long pass and we have the slowest receivers in
the world." "Johnson's got the ball," the announcer
continues, "He's back to pass . . . he throws a long pass to Moffatt."
"I hope he doesn't drop it," Balki says. "It's caught at
the forty," the announcer reports. "Moffatt. Yes!
Don't trip!" Larry cries. "He stumbles," the announcer
says. "No!" Larry cries. "He catches himself,"
the announcer continues, "He's goig all the way. Touchdown!
Browns win!" Balki and Larry go wild and do the Dance of Joy.
Larry swears he'll never bet on a football game again and Balki says sports
should fun, not life threatening. "You're absolutely right, Balki,"
Larry agrees, "Thanks for coming to my rescue." "You're
welcome, Cousin," Balki says. "Well, after all that yelling I
could go for a soda," Larry says, "Want one?" "Sure,
Cousin." Larry gets up and crosses to the kitchen. Balki spots
something in the paper and picks it up. "Well, how do you like
that?" Balki asks. "What?" Larry asks.
"International Combine went up six points," Balki notes.
"So what?" Larry asks. "Oh, nothing. It's just that I
knew it was going to do that," Balki explains. On Larry's sudden look
of greed, the scene fades out.
There were still some
differences and cut scenes in the Shooting Draft dated November 8, 1989:
- The episode starts the same,
except after Balki tells the joke wrong the first time he tries again, saying,
"Wait a minute. I just drove in from Miami and . . . no, no. It
was a west coast city." After Balki says he didn't know they had a
pool at work, let alone one large enough to play football in, he says, "So,
what are you selecting? Swimwear? Speedo makes a rather snappy pair
of briefs." The rest of the scene is the same, except the very end
when Balki asks, "Where do I turn this in?" Larry says, "I'll
take it." Then Balki goes back to his bedroom and Larry goes back to
his research.
- The second scene
begins with Larry at his desk and Lydia entering as in the first draft
script. "So, how did you do in the football pool, Lydia?" Larry
asks. "I picked three and I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
Lydia snaps. "I picked eleven," Larry brags. "You
want to hurt me, is that it?" Lydia asks, "Why don't you just take out
an ad? You work at a paper." "I'm sorry," Larry
offers, "It's just the best I've ever done. The money's as good as
mine." "Oooh, let me bask in the glow of your good
fortune," Lydia says sarcastically. She walks to the elevator and
presses the button (this is why she's standing by the elevator when Balki enters
telling the man the joke, which happens here). The man doesn't say "I
didn't think so," but Balki does say, "Boy, comedy's
tough." "Balki, I picked eleven of thirteen in the football
pool," Larry brags. "That's great, Cousin. How did you do,
Miss Lydia?" "I got three," she says, "I got
three. Why's everyone tormenting me?" "She's a little
cranky, Balki," Larry explains, "How did you do?" "I
don't know, Cousin," Balki admits, "I heard on the radio that the
Seahawks were whitewashed, the Dolphins were blanked and three or four other
teams were upset. I don't even know if they played, poor things."
- After Gorpley says
Balki would have won if it weren't for that darn immigrant rule, Balki asks,
"Immigrant rule?" "So, I guess the money has to go to the
person in second place, which is me. Too bad," Mr. Gorpley smirks.
- After Balki explains
how he picked the winners, Larry asks, "That's how you picked the
teams?" "Yeah," Balki answers, "You know this is so
easy. I think I'll keep playing and use my winnings to buy Mama that
cellular phone she's been hankering for." This is when Larry calls it
a "cute little system" and the rest of the scene is the same.
- At the start of the
next scene, Mr. Gorpley says, "Why? Isn't winning five weeks in a row
enough for him. I mean how many cellular phones does his mother
need?" Later, after Balki explains how Millie the waitress dropped a
hot Denver omelette on him, Larry shrugs it off by saying, "Hey, your
bio-rhythms are off." The rest of the scene is the same.
- In the apartment,
Balki is on the couch when there's knock at the door. "Come in,"
he calls and Mary Anne enters. "Balki, I thought we were going to the
movies," she says, "I've been waiting in the car for half an
hour." Balki says, "I'm sorry, Mary Anne. I completely
forgot. But I really don't feel like going to the movies." This
is when Mary Anne asks what's wrong. After Balki says the people at the
office want to beat him, Mary Anne says, "They want to beat you? With
a stick?" "No, no, they want to beat me in the football
pool," Balki explains. The rest of the scene is the same.
- At the start of act
two, Balki's line was supposed to be "It will be so nice to go to work
tomorrow and have my clothes stay clean." Mary Anne's line after
Larry asks if he can speak to Balki alone is still, "Probably."
As in the first draft script, after Larry says bookies have been known to break
legs Balki says, "That's so self destructive." "Not their
legs. My legs," Larry corrects. Balki wants to call the police
but Larry stops him. The scene is then the same as what aired until they
get to the point where Larry is trying to help Balki relax to pick between the
Browns and the Packers. In the script, Balki asks for mood music as well
as Dimitri and having the lights dimmed. After Larry asks Balki if he's
ready, he turns to look and Balki is asleep. Larry hits him with Dimitri
to wake up him. Balki tells Larry he doesn't know what a Packer or a Brown
is. "Well, the Packers are meat packers," Larry explains,
"And the Browns are . . . earth tones." When Larry urges
Balki to relax again and massages his temples and yells "It's just my
life!" He then calms Balki down again and says, "Alright.
Alright, are you ready?" Balki is asleep again so Larry hits him with
Dimitri again, making him sit up suddenly. These parts with Balki falling
asleep were both filmed then deftly cut from the episode, but you can clearly
see Balki is asleep when Larry sits down on the couch the first time after
helping him to relax. And keep in mind when Balki sits up suddenly it
wasn't because Larry yelled, it was because Larry hit him with Dimitri
again! On super slow motion, you can just barely see Larry quickly
dropping Dimitri back into Balki's arms before he sits up. At the end of
the scene, Balki flips a coin as he did in the first draft to be certain.
- In the football
game, Moffatt is the one going back to pass instead of Salo. After Larry
tells Balki he's leaving the country, he adds, "I'm not going to tell you
where I'm going, they'll probably try to beat it out of you."
"Thanks for thinking of me, Cousin," Balki replies. The rest of
the show is the same.
At the end of this script are some scripts for ABC On-Air audio promos and the TGIF spots which aired on November 24, 1989. Here are copies of these scripts. You can see how Bronson and Mark varied from the scripts to make the spots more natural by comparing the text below with the actual spots on our YouTube Channel!
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