Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 84 - Everyone in the Pool

First Air Date: December 15, 1989
Filmed on: November 9, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.5 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen sitting on the bookcase, and then Larry hands him to Balki on the couch. (Note that Dimitri does not have a black nose in this episode!)

Balki-isms:
" . . . let me decompose myself."
"Everything is becoming Crystal Light."
"You know, uh . . . I’m perspiring a little myself."
"You bet ten thousand dollars with a librarian?"

Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Wwowww!"
"Get out of the city!"
Mary Anne’s "Yay!"
"Oh po po!"
"Yes!  Yes!"
"Oh God!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki uses an expression that goes, "Well, something me something and call me something," in this case, "Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky."
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Larry and Balki do the "macho bit"
The Dance of Joy

Songs: "Money, Money" - sung by Balki as he counts his winnings from the football pool

Interesting facts:
- Once again life imitated art in this episode.  Mark won the West Bank Cafe's football pool in early 1989, picking all of the games of the regular season.  He brought his trophy with him during an early 1989 appearance on The Pat Sajak Show to show off.  You can know watch this clip on our YouTube channel!
- The song Balki sings which goes "Money makes the world go around," is called Money, Money and is from the musical, Cabaret.
- In one of the rare instances of topical humor on the show, Larry tries to make a point by suggesting Balki "burn the flag while the law is still vague."  In 1989, this was a hot-button topic started by the case of Texas vs. Johnson which went all the way to the Supreme Court, in which the question was raised if flag burning was protected as free speech under the Constitution.  The Court's controversial 5 to 4 decision that burning the flag was protected by the first amendment.  Later that year, Congress passed a statute entitled the Flag Protection Act which would make burning the American flag a federal offense.  The law was struck down and further attempts to pass similar amendments have continuously been defeated, so the law on this issue, to this day, remains vague.
- Balki's reference to a bookie on Mypos named Jimmy the Geek is a play on the nickname of Jimmy "the Greek" Snyder, a well-known and controversial American sportscaster and Las Vegas bookie.
- This episode includes an interesting variation on the Dance of Joy, with Balki and Larry adding some additional steps which carry them clear of the couch and into the open space of the living room where they can safely perform the dance.
- This was the last first run episode to air in 1989.  Sometime in the next two weeks, a special Christmas greeting was aired during one of the repeats of the series.  You can view this hilarious Christmas greeting on our YouTube channel!

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- Larry really must have loosened up about gambling over the years as Balki's memory got worse.  Back in the second season episode, Babes in Babylon, Balki specifically cited Larry didn't bet on the football pools at home.  Not only did Larry play the football pool in this episode but Balki forgot that he knew what they were!

Synopsis:
The episode begins one night in the apartment.  Balki rushes in the front door with his school books over his shoulder.  "Cousin!" he calls as he hurries to the dining table, dropping his books and jacket on the end table along the way, "I . . . I just heard the greatest joke at night school.  Wait a minute, wait a minute . . . let me decompose myself."  Balki takes a moment with his hand over his face while Larry waits.  "Okay, listen to this!  I just drove in from L.A. and boy, are my arms tired!"  Balki laughs, then stops.  "No, no, no, I didn’t tell that right.  Wait a minute . . . "  Balki turns away to think about it.  "Balki, uh . . . I’d love to hear a joke but I’m kind of busy," Larry points out.  "Oh, Cousin, what you are doing?" Balki asks as he sits down at the table with Larry.  "Well, I’m making my selections for the football pool at work," Larry explains.  He is surrounded by books and papers of stats and information.  "Football pool?" Balki asks.  "A football pool," Larry repeats.

"Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky," Balki states, "I didn’t even know they had a pool at work, let alone one large enough to play football in."  "Balki, a football pool is like a lottery," Larry explains, "For a dollar, you pick the teams you think are gonna win on Sunday and whoever picks the most winners wins."  "Wwowww!" Balki says, "What does the winner who picks the most winners wind up winning?"  "Well, usually around sixty-five dollars," Larry answers.  "Get out of the city!" Balki gasps, "Sixty-five dollars?  I want to play!"  Balki reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dollar.  "Here’s my dollar.  What do I do next?"  "Well, just circle all the teams you think are gonna win," Larry says, handing Balki a card and a pencil.  Balki is about to start when Larry says, "Uh, Balki, keep in mind picking winning football teams is very complicated."  Balki starts filling out his card as Larry continues.  "If you have any questions at all, don’t be afraid to ask."  Balki picks up his completed card and asks, "Where do I turn this in?"

The next day at the Chronicle, a man enters the basement from the loading dock, walking quickly.  Balki is following behind, trying to keep up with him.  "Okay, no no no . . . no no . . . that wasn’t it, that wasn’t it," Balki insists, "I got it now, I got it."  The man stops and waits for Balki to speak.  "I just took a bus in from Denver and boy are my arms tired."  Balki pauses, then admits, "Wait a minute, no no no . . . that wasn’t it."  "I didn’t think so," the man says, and he walks away.  Balki walks to Larry’s desk, where Larry is standing.  Lydia is waiting by the elevator.  "Boy, comedy’s tough," Balki notes.  Mr. Gorpley exits from his office and crosses over to them.  "Ah, Bartokomous," he calls, "I don’t know how you did it, but you won the football pool."  Lydia has walked to Larry’s desk and asks, "Balki won the football pool?"  "Balki won the football pool?" Larry also asks.  "Balki won the football pool?" Balki asks as well, "How much did he win?"

"Well, you would have won sixty-five dollars if it weren’t for that darn immigrant rule," Mr. Gorpley smirks.  "Sam, give him his money or I will print the letter your ex-wife wrote to my advice column," Lydia threatens, "You know . . . the one she signed ‘Short-Changed in Chicago?’"  "Hey, I guess we can waive the rule this week!" Mr. Gorpley smiles sweetly and he hands Balki the money.  "Thank you, Mr. Gorpley!" Balki hugs him in return.  "Lydia, I hear you got three this week," Mr. Gorpley says, "You getting outside help?"  Mr. Gorpley laughs and heads back to his office.  Lydia burns with anger.  "I’m gonna print the letter anyway," she tells Larry and she exits into the elevator.  "Balki," Larry says as he looks at Balki’s card, "You picked all thirteen winners.  How’d you do that?"

"I don’t know," Balki answers, "It must have been my sheepherder’s intuition."  "Sheepherder’s intuition?" Larry asks.  "Yeah, Cousin," Balki confirms as he looks at his picks, "Now that I look at it, it makes perfect sense.  Obviously a Bronco can beat a Colt.  And a Lion could beat a Bengal . . . after all, the lion is king of the jungle.  And I took the Bills over the Chargers because no matter how much you keep charging, sooner or later . . . you have to pay the bill."  "Well, Balki’s, that’s certainly a cute little system," Larry says in a condescending manner, "but I wouldn’t plan on you being lucky enough to win another pool with it."  "Well, I’d rather have a cute little system than an empty little wallet," Balki counters.  Balki walks away dancing.

Four weeks later at the Chronicle, Mr. Gorpley slumps out of his office and walks to Larry’s desk.  "Appleton, here’s your pick sheet for the football pool," Gorpley sighs.  "I’ll need one for Balki," Larry reminds him.  "Why?" Gorpley asks, "Isn’t winning the last five weeks in a row enough for him?"  Mr. Gorpley walks up the stairs as Larry picks up the receiver of his phone and dials.  "Hello, Tom?" Larry asks, "Yeah, this is Larry.  Yeah, uh . . . are you still betting with a bookie?  Could I have his name?  The Mole?  Is that a family name?  Well, could you give me his number?  ‘Cause I wanna make some football bets.  I’ve got a sure thing."  Larry jots down the phone number on a notepad.  "Thank you," he offers, then hangs up.  He picks up the football picks card for the week and looks at it as Balki enters from the loading dock, looking a complete mess.

"Okay, Cousin," Balki says, "I got it now.  Listen to this!  I just flew in from L.A. and boy am I tired."  Balki thinks a moment then says, "No, no, no, no, it’s missing something."  "Balki, what happened to you?" Larry asks, motioning to Balki’s shirt which appears to be covered with black hand prints.  "Oh!  Cousin, this just isn’t my day," Balki sighs, "I was in the press room telling the guys how that I won the football pool again.  And they were just slapping me on the back and slapping me on the front.  I guess they forgot they had ink all over their hands."  "Well, what’s all this yellow and green stuff?" Larry asks, motioning to a big stain on Balki’s pants.  "Oh, that would be a Denver omelette," Balki explains, "I was in the cafeteria telling Millie the waitress about how that I won the football pool again and she accidentally dropped the omelette into my lap . . . hot out of the microwave."  Balki heads for his worktable.

"Uh, Balki, here’s your entry for the football pool," Larry chases after him with the card, "Why don’t you fill it out?"  "I can’t, Cousin," Balki says, picking up his pencil holder, "Somebody accidentally broke the points off all my pencils."  "Well here, use mine," Larry offers, handing Balki his pencil.  Lydia enters from the archives and approaches them.  "Well, Balki," she smiles, "Are you gonna suck all the fun out of this week’s football pool?"  "Oh no," Balki says, "I was just about to make my picks."  "Oh, may I borrow your pencil?" Lydia asks.  "Sure," Balki says, handing it to her.  She proceeds to press the tip into Balki’s worktable until it breaks.  "Sorry," she smiles, handing it back to Balki before walking away.  "Wait a minute, Cousin," Balki says after she leaves, "Everything is becoming Crystal Light.  Every time the subject of the football pool comes up, somebody has an accident . . . and it’s always me.  I think those two things are connected."

"No, they’re not," Larry lies, "What do you think of the Bears this week?"  "Cousin, listen to me," Balki says, "I think everyone is angry with me for winning the football pool and maybe I won’t play this week."  "Oh no, you can’t quit now!" Larry insists.  "Why not?" Balki asks.  "Well, because you made a commitment to play the football pool and . . . and you’ve got to live up to that," Larry answers.  "A commitment to who?" Balki asks.  "To who?" Larry fumbles, "To . . . to everyone in the pool.  To the game itself!  To America!  To everything this country stands for!  Why don’t you just burn the flag while the law’s still vague?"  "Cousin, I don’t want to burn the flag," Balki says, "I . . . I just don’t want to play the football pool any more.  I don’t want people to be angry with me."

"Well, if you think they’re angry now just wait ‘til you tell them you’re quitting," Larry says.  "Well, Cousin, what if I explain to them that if I quit they’ll have a better chance of winning?"  "Well, Balki, no . . . they don’t just want to win," Larry explains, "They want to beat you!"  "Beat me?" Balki asks, his eyes widening, "With a stick?  Cousin, it’s just a game!  Don’t let them beat me."  "No, no, no, no, no, they don’t want to beat you with a stick," Larry assures him, "They want to beat you in the pool.  I tried to tell you it was complicated but you insisted on playing.  I’m afraid you’re stuck.  So, why don’t you just make your picks?"  "Cousin, I . . . I’ll make my picks later," Balki promises, "Right now I got to . . . "  Balki looks around and lowers his voice.  " . . . I got to go and get the hash browns out of my pants."  Balki walks away.

That night at the apartment, Balki and Mary Anne are sitting on the couch together.  "Balki, what’s wrong?" Mary Anne asks.  "Well, for the past five weeks I’ve been playing the football pool at work," Balki explains.  "Yeah?" Mary Anne says.  "And for the past five weeks I’ve won."  "Oh, that would get anybody down," Mary Anne sympathizes.  Balki leans his head on her shoulder.  "Yeah.  Everybody is angry with me for winning and I . . . I wish I didn’t have to play any more."  "Well, why don’t you just quit?" Mary Anne asks.  "Well, I wanted to but Cousin Larry said that that would only make people angrier because they don’t just want to win, they want to beat me."  "Well, why don’t you just let them?" Mary Anne asks.  "Well . . . well, how I do that?" Balki wonders.  "Well, just pick all the losers," Mary Anne suggests, "That way you’d still be playing but somebody else could win."

"Mary Anne, that’s brilliant!"  "Thanks, Balki, you inspire me."  "You know, uh . . . I’m perspiring a little myself," Balki says.  They move closer to one another and begin to kiss just as Larry walks in the door and straight to the couch.  "Hi, Balki, did you fill out your football pool?" Larry asks.  "Hi, Larry," Mary Anne says.  "Oh hi, Mary Anne, I didn’t see you," Larry says.  "Uh, we were just about to go to the movies," Balki says as he and Mary Anne stand up.  "Oh, terrific," Larry says, speaking quickly, "Why don’t you fill out your football pool before you go?  I’ll take it over to Mr. Gorpley."  Mary Anne and Balki share a look and Balki agrees, "All right.  Here goes."

Balki and Mary Anne sit on the couch and giggle between themselves as Balki checks off his picks.  They give each other the shush sign and look to Larry.  "Finished?" Larry asks.  Balki nods.  "Good, okay," Larry says, moving to the front door to open it for them, "Well, you two have a nice evening.  Don’t be out late now.  Bye bye!"  "Bye," Mary Anne says and she and Balki leave.  "Bye, bye, bye," Larry adds, then closes the door behind them and runs to get Balki’s picks sheet from the coffee table before racing to the phone on the counter.  He dials the phone then asks, "Hello, is this . . . the Mole?  Yes, uh, this is Larry Appleton.  Tom told me I should call.  Yes, I want to bet ten football games, a thousand dollars a game.  That’s right . . . ten thousand big ones!"  The scene fades to black.

That Sunday evening, Balki and Mary Anne are watching a football game on television in the apartment.  "And the Chiefs beat the Jets 45 to 3," an announcer on the television states.  "Oh, all right!" Balki cheers.  "Yay!" Mary Anne yells.  "I did it!  I did it!" Balki laughs as he hugs Mary Anne, "I lost every game."  "I’m so proud of you!" Mary Anne exclaims, giving Balki a kiss.  "Thank you, Mary Anne.  It will be so nice to go to work tomorrow and not have people throw food at me."  "Why wasn’t Larry here to watch the game?" Mary Anne asks as she uses the remote to turn off the television.  "Oh, he went to the Sports Grill," Balki explains, "They have ten television sets there so you can watch all the games at one time.  I’ll bet he’s having the time of his life."  The door opens and Larry enters, looking stunned.  Balki and Mary Anne stand up to meet him.  "Cousin?  Are you all right?" Balki asks.

"Mary Anne, could I talk to Balki alone?" Larry asks.  "I don’t see why not," Mary Anne replies, not moving.  She finally understands.  "Oh, now!  Oh, sure.  I gotta go anyway.  Bye, Balki."  She gives him a kiss.  "Bye, Mary Anne," Balki says as she leaves.  Larry turns to Balki with his eyes wide.  "Balki, do you realize you didn’t pick one single winning team?"  "I know," Balki smiles, "Isn’t it wonderful?"  Balki then realizes something and asks, "How did you know?"  "I copied your picks," Larry explains.  "Cousin, I’m surprised at you!  You know cheaters never win."  "I know now!" Larry assures him, "How could you lose every game?"  "Well, you know, Cousin, in a way it was your idea," Balki begins, "See, you said that people would be happy if they beat me, so I decided to pick all the losers and make everybody happy!"  "Not everybody," Larry corrects.  Larry walks toward the couch.  "Balki, I used your picks and bet ten thousand dollars with a bookie."  "You bet ten thousand dollars with a librarian?" Balki asks.

"A bookie," Larry clarifies, "A bookie.  A bookie is someone who takes bets on sporting events.  And now I owe this guy ten thousand dollars."  They both sit down.  "Oh po po," Balki gasps, "Cousin, you know on Mypos we have one of them guys . . . Jimmy the Geek.  When you bet on the sheep races and you don’t pay up, he shaves your head and calls you baldy in front of your parents.  It’s ugly.  Very ugly."  "Well, Balki, this is America," Larry says, "Things are a little different here.  When bookies aren’t paid, they have been known to break legs."  "Cousin, we . . . we can’t let them do that!" Balki cries, jumping up, "I’m going to call the police!"  Larry jumps up after him.  "No, no, no, no, no, Balki!  Balki!  Balki, you can’t call the police."  "Cousin, we have to!  What they’re going to do is illegal!"  "So is betting with a bookie," Larry explains.  "Cousin!  How could you do something you knew was illegal?" Balki asks.  "I don’t know.  I did it.  It was stupid, I’m sorry.  But what am I gonna do?  Balki, he knows my name . . . he knows where I live . . . he knows where I keep my knees."

They return to the couch.  "Oh, Cousin," Balki sighs, "What are you going to do?"  "Well, there’s only one thing I can do," Larry says, "I’ll bet another ten thousand dollars on tomorrow night’s game."  "Cousin, I don’t know much about the game but if they’ll break your legs for ten thousand dollars, for twenty thousand they might break something . . . you really need," Balki notes.  "Well, that’s not gonna happen," Larry says, picking up the newspaper, "Because after you pick tomorrow night’s winner, I’ll be even!  All right, let’s see who is playing."  Balki snatches the paper from Larry.  "Now, wait just a minute, not so fast.  "What?  What?  What is it?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, the only way I’m going to go along with this is if you promise to never, and I mean never, ever, ever bet on a football game again!" Balki insists.  "Balki, I promise never, and I mean never, ever, ever, ever to bet on a football game again," Larry swears.  "And promise you’ll take me to Disney World," Balki adds.  "And I promise I’ll take you to . . . Balki," Larry stops.  "Sorry, it was worth a shot," Balki admits, "Okay, I’ll help you."

He hands Larry the paper.  "All right, all right," Larry says, "Now, do whatever you need to do to get your sheepherder’s intuition to kick in."  "Oh, I just need to relax," Balki says.  "You need to relax?" Larry asks.  "Yeah," Balki nods.  "Here, put your feet up," Larry insists, pushing Balki back onto the couch and putting his feet up for him.  "Here, pillow . . . pillow."  Larry puts a pillow behind Balki’s head.  "Anything else?" Larry asks.  "Uh, could you get me Dimitri?" Balki asks.  Larry runs to the bookcase and gets Dimitri, handing him to Balki, who smiles.  "Could you dim the lights?" Balki asks.  Larry turns off the orange lamp on the end table.  "All right, all right," Larry says, walking to the front of the couch and sitting down as he looks at the paper, "Here we go.  Ready?  The Packers and the Browns.  Who’s gonna win?"

"Browns, Packers," Balki repeats, "Browns or Packers, Browns or Packers."  Balki looks as if he has an answer, then asks, "What are my choices again?"  Larry throws the paper away and grabs Balki by the shirt, pulling him up to his face.  "The Browns or the Packers?  The Browns or the Packers?" Larry screams.  "I don’t know, Cousin, I can’t do it under this much pressure!" Balki cries.  "All right, all right, relax," Larry says, pushing Balki back down and moving around to massage his temples, "Relax!  Relax!  Relax!  There’s no pressure.  There’s no pressure . . . it’s just my life!" Balki sits up quickly, then turns to look back at Larry.  "The Browns or the Packers?" Larry asks again.  "The Browns," Balki answers.  "The Browns?" Larry asks, launching himself across the couch to grab Balki’s shirt again.  "Yes."  "The Browns?"  "The Browns!" Balki confirms.  "The Browns!" Larry repeats as he starts to get off the couch and the scene fades.

The next night, Balki and Larry are watching the football game on television.  "They still have a shot at winning this game," the announcer reports, "The Packers have the ball at their own 25 . . . Salo’s back to pass . . . chased out of the pocket . . . going long . . . intercepted by the Browns!"  "Yes!  Yes!" Larry screams, "Balki, all the Browns have to do to win is to run out thirty seconds on the clock."  He and Balki do a high five and then do their macho bit where they mimic snatching at success.  "Oh, Balki . . . thank you," Larry offers, "I owe you my legs . . . and anything else that might have been broken."  "You’re welcome, Cousin," Balki says.  "Boy, after all that yelling I could use a soda," Larry says, "Do you want one?"  "Sure, love one," Balki replies.  Larry gets up and walks around the back of the couch to go to the kitchen as the game continues on the television and the announcer calls the plays.

"Here’s the snap . . . he hands off to Taylor . . . Taylor fumbles!"  "Fumble?" Larry asks worriedly, stopping to watch the game again.  "It’s picked up by the Packers at the twenty!  He’s at the thirty!  He’s at the forty!"  Larry climbs over the back of the couch, watching intently.  "It’s a foot race!"   "He’s at the fifty!" Larry realizes, grabbing Balki around the neck.  "He’s at the fifty!" the announcer echoes.  "He’s at the forty!" Larry gasps.  "The forty!" the announcer repeats.  "Get him!" Larry cries, twisting Balki’s neck under his arm and grabbing Balki’s hair, "Get him!  Hold him!"  "He may go all the way!" the announcer continues.  "Get him!  Tackle him!" Larry cries, throwing Balki around like a rag doll, "Kill him!"  "He’s at the ten!" the announcer calls.  "No!" Larry cries, throwing Balki forward.  "Down to the five!"  "No!" Larry cries, pulling Balki back up again.  "He’s down!  Down at the one yard line!"  "Yes!" Larry yells, throwing Balki forward.  Balki bounces back up again and looks confused.

"What a turn this game has taken!" the announcer says.  "Is that a good thing?" Balki asks.  "No," Larry says, "It’s a bad thing.  A very bad thing.  Balki, I’m leaving the country."  Balki looks startled.  "The Packers have time for one last play," the announcer begins again.  Larry clutches Balki’s shoulder.  "There’s the snap . . . Salo’s back to pass . . . "  Larry throws Balki down across his lap.  "Get him!" Larry cries, grabbing Balki’s face tightly, "Get him!"  "Ow!" Balki cries.  Larry throws Balki away from him.  "Go for his knees!" Larry yells, grabbing Balki’s leg.  "Oh God!" Balki gasps.  "Go for his knees!" Larry screams, twisting Balki’s leg in a painful fashion.  "He scrambles left!" the announcer continues.  Larry reaches over and grabs the back of Balki’s head by the hair, screaming, "Get him!  Get him!"  Larry throws Balki aside and Balki tries to escape over the back of the couch.

"There’s a tackle at the five!"  "Throw a cheerleader at him!" Larry yells, grabbing Balki and tossing him over the back of the couch.  "Oh, he’s hit hard!" the announcer calls, "He fumbles into the end zone!  There’s a pileup . . . whoever comes up with the ball is going to be the winner!"  Balki pops up from behind the couch and asks, "Who has the ball?"  "I don’t know!" Larry cries, throwing his arms out and hitting Balki in the face, knocking him back down again.  "They’re peeling off the players," the announcer says, "The Browns have the ball.  The Browns win it!  The Browns win it!"  "Yes!  Yes, Balki!" Larry cries excitedly, looking around, "Balki?  Balki!"  Balki pops up from behind the couch and Larry pulls him over, "I won!  I won!  I’m even!  I get to keep my knees."

"Oh Cousin!" Balki exclaims as they stand up, "Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!"  They make several dance steps to move out away from the couch and then perform the Dance of Joy.  Balki carries Larry back to the couch and sets him on his feet.  They sit down together.  "Balki, I have learned my lesson," Larry says, "I will never bet a football game again."  "Well, Cousin, that’s good," Balki sighs, "Sports are for fun.  They shouldn’t be life threatening."  "You are absolutely right," Larry agrees, "Thanks for coming to my rescue."  "Well, you’re welcome," Balki says.  " . . . coming up.  And next week I’ll be flying to Atlanta," the announcer is saying, "Boy, will my arms be tired."  Balki leans forward excitedly.  "That’s it!" Balki exclaims, "Atlanta!"  On Larry’s reaction, the episode ends.

Script Variations:
There are some interesting differences between the first draft script dated October 25, 1989 and the episode which aired:
- The running joke with Balki trying to tell the "I just flew in from . . . " joke is not in this version of the script.  Balki says, "Well, I'll be snookered," before saying he didn't know the Chronicle had a pool.  After Balki says he wants to play, Larry says, "Whoa, slow down Balki.  Picking winners at football is very complicated.  For example, if the team played on the previous Monday, they only have five days of rest.  Therefore, fatigue might be a factor.  However if their opponent played on artificial turf the previous week, which of course takes more out of the running backs, it forces that team to go to the passing game.  Then fatigue is not a factor.  However, if they have to travel east they pass through three time zones and jet lag may become a factor.  However . . . "  Balki cuts him off, asking, "Cousin, can I just play?"  "Fine, fine," Larry says, "It's your dollar."  Larry hands Balki a pool sheet.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, then grabs a pencil and quickly goes down the sheet circling teams.  "Now Balki, if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask," Larry says, "And feel free to use any of my research material, but remember you have to have this in Friday by noon."  Balki hands Larry the sheet and says, "I think I made the deadline."
- The next scene begins with Larry sitting at his desk at the Chronicle reading the sports page.  Lydia enters.  "So, how did you do in the football pool, Lydia?" Larry asks.  "I picked three and I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Lydia answers in an irritated voice.  "I picked eleven," Larry says.  "You want to hurt me, is that it?" Lydia asks.  "I'm sorry," Larry offers, "It's just the best I've ever done.  I think I've got a good chance to win."  Balki enters.  "Balki, I picked eleven of thirteen in the football pool," Larry says proudly.  "That's great, Cousin," Balki smiles, "How did you do, Miss Lydia?"  "I got three.  I got three.  Alright?" she snaps.  "She's a little upset, Balki," Larry explains.  Mr. Gorpley comes out to announce that Balki won the football pool and mentions that "darn immigrant rule."  "There's an immigrant rule?" Balki asks.  "Yeah, it says anyone can play the pool, but only a citizen can win it," Gorpley lies, "I guess the money just rolls over to next week."  Lydia threatens to print the letter Gorpley's ex-wife wrote to her column but doesn't say it was signed anything.  Gorpley teases Lydia about picking three and leaves.  "That's the last time I date the sports editor," Lydia says, and she exits.  Larry congratulates Balki and asks how he did it.  "I just used my sheepherder's intuition and my system," Balki explains.  "Your system?" Larry asks.  "Yes.  You see, the first game was very easy to pick because it's quite obvious that a Bronco can beat a Colt.  The second game gave me a little trouble, but I figured, and figured correctly I might add, that when it came right down to it, a Lion could beat a Bengal.  After all a lion is king of the jungle.  And of course an Eagle can easily beat a little bitty bird like a Cardinal.  In fact it doesn't seem fair.  Now the Bears . . . "  The rest of the scene is the same as aired.
- Three weeks later, Larry is working at his desk when Mr. Gorpley enters the basement from his office carrying an envelope.  "Appleton, do me a favor.  Give this to the Mypiot."  He throws the envelope on Larry's desk.  "If I have to say the words, 'You won the football pool' to him for the fourth week in a row, I'll lose my breakfast."  Gorpley exits and Larry picks up the phone and dials.  "Hello.  I'd like to speak to (uncomfortable) 'The Mole' please.  I'm speaking to 'The Mole?'  Okay.  You're 'Loading Dock Johnny's' bookie, right?  Great.  This is 'Madison Larry' . . . that's right, Larry Appleton.  How did you know? . . . 'Loading Dock Johnny' told you.  Well, I just wanted to know when I need to have my football bets in.  (bluffing)  Good that's the same way my man does it.  (caught)  Oh, Johnny told you it was the first time I ever gambled.  Okay, I'll call you Friday night then."  Larry hangs up the phone and Balki enters.  They ad-lib hellos.  "I've got your winnings here for you, Balki," Larry says, handing Balki the envelope, "You are on some kind of a streak.  Way to go buddy."  "I don't know, Cousin," Balki says sadly, "I think it's time for me to jump out of the pool."  Larry is stunned.  "Whoa.  Hold on.  What do you mean you're through with the pool?  You're winning every week."  "That's the problem," Balki sighs, "Since I've been winning the pool every week, everyone seems mad at me.  Even Mr. Gorpley is not his usual sweet self."  "Balki, believe me, you're just imagining this," Larry says.  Lydia enters from the garage and walks to the elevator.  "So, Balki, did you suck all the fun out of this week's pool, too?"  "I'm afraid so, Miss Lydia," Balki says sadly, "I guess I'm just a lucky guy."  The elevator doors open and Lydia steps in.  "Thanks a lot, Balki.  I could have won this week.  I picked five winners."  The elevator doors close.  "That settles it," Balki states, "No more football pools for me."  Larry makes the point about Balki making a commitment to play the football pool and his speech is the same as in the show.  After Larry says they want to beat Balki, Balki says, "I had no idea what I was getting into."  "I tried to tell you it was complicated, but you insisted on playing," Larry continues, "Face it, Balki, you made your bed, now you have to lie in it."  "You're right, Cousin," Balki sighs, "but all that money under my mattress is making it very uncomfortable."
- The next scene starts with Balki at the dining room table studying his football pool picks.  There's a knock at the door.  "Come in," he calls.  Mary Anne enters.  "Hi, Balki.  Are you ready to go to the movies?"  "I'm sorry, Mary Anne.  But I really don't feel like going to the movies."  "What's wrong?" Mary Anne asks.  Their dialogue is much the same as in the final episode.  After Mary Anne tells Balki that he inspires her, Balki says, "I'm feeling pretty warm myself."  Balki makes his football picks and says, "There.  Now we can go to the movies."  "Great," Mary Anne says.  They head for the door when Larry enters.  Larry asks if Balki made his football picks and Balki says, "You bet, Cousin.  It's right on the dining room table."  "Great," Larry says, "You two have a ball at the movies."  The rest of the scene plays the same, except when Larry calls the Mole he starts to introduce himself as "Madison . . . uh, Larry Appleton."
- Act two begins the same, except Balki tells Mary Anne that Larry went to the "Stats Bar 'N Grill" to watch the games.  When Larry comes in and asks Mary Anne if he can speak with Balki alone, Mary Anne answers, "Probably," then realizes he wants her to leave.  After Balki says he decided to pick the losers and make everyone happy, Larry replies, "Not everyone.  Balki, I lost money because of your plan."  "Well, Cousin, if you're worried about the dollar you spent on the football pool, I can cover your loss."  Balki takes out his wallet.  After thinking Larry bet ten thousand dollars with a librarian, Larry explains, "A bookie is someone who takes bets on sporting events . . . like football."  "You mean like Mr. Gorpley's football pool?" Balki asks.  "Well, yes but on a much larger scale," Larry replies, "And now I owe this guy ten thousand dollars."  "I had no idea you had that kind of money," Balki says.  "I don't."  "Well, that sounds like trouble," Balki deduces.  "Yes!"  "Cousin, I'm sure all you have to do is call this bookie fellow, tell him what happened and he'll understand.  I bet he even gets a big kick out of it."  "Balki, bookies don't get a kick out of anything, except being paid," Larry says, "And when they're not paid they've been known to break legs."  "That's so self destructive," Balki notes.  "Not their legs.  My legs."  "Oh.  Isn't that illegal?" Balki asks.  "Yes.  So is betting with a bookie."  Balki is shocked.  "Cousin.  How could you do something you knew was illegal?"  "I was stupid," Larry admits, "And I'm very sorry that I did.  But I don't know what I'm going to do."  "Well, there must be some way out of this mess," Balki thinks.  Larry ponders this for a beat then brightens.  "Yes.  Yes there is a way out of this.  But I'll need your help."  "Well, you've got that, Cousin," Balki promises.  "All you have to do is pick the winner of tomorrow night's game," Larry explains, "I'll bet another ten thousand dollars and we're even."  "Make a new plan, Stan," Balki says, "I'll do anything but that.  Two wrongs do not put moss on a rolling stone."  There's a knock at the door.  Balki answers it.  The Mole, a short greasy character and Bubba, a huge hulking man with no neck, enter.  "I'm look for Larry Appleton," the Mole says.  Larry answers (a la Jose Vasquez) "Larry Appleton is not home right now.  I'll give him the message that you stopped by."  "Oh, an accent," the Mole smiles, "Nice touch.  Give me my money."  "You know, I was thinking instead of one large, bulky wad of cash, there are many, many tax advantages to deferred payments," Larry talks quiclky, "Now, we could set up . . . "  "You know," the Mole interrupts, "there are many, many disadvantages to having Bubba rearrange your limbs."  Bubba takes a step towards Larry and bends the fireplace poker.  "Bubba, you don't want to do that," Larry assures him, "I'll have to buy all new clothes."  "Oh.  I think there's a big misunderstanding here," Balki says, "We were under the impression that we still had tomorrow night's game to bet."  Larry is stunned.  "And what if you lose tomorrow night?" the Mole asks.  "Well, then I guess I would owe you twenty thousand dollars," Larry answers.  "Yeah, twenty thousand or two legs," the Mole replies.  Larry and Balki discuss the arithmetic of this and their four legs.  "That's fair," the answer together.  "I'll call you later with my bet," Larry says.  "You're on," the Mole agrees, "But no funny stuff."  The Mole and Bubba exit.  Larry closes the door and lets out a big sigh.  "Thank you for saving my life, Balki.  Let's see who's playing tomorrow night."  Balki makes Larry promise he'll never bet on the football games again.  "That's good, Cousin," Balki says afterward, "I'd hate to see your knee caps broken.  You look silly enough in shorts as it is."  After Larry gives Balki the choice between the Browns and the Packers, Balki says, "Uh . . . I don't know, Cousin."  "What do you mean you don't know?" Larry asks.  "I don't know what a Brown or a Packer is," Balki points out.  "Well, the Packers are meat packers," Larry explains, "And the Browns are . . . just Browns, that's all."  "Well, let's see," Balki thinks, "Meat packers, Browns.  Sometimes meat is brown unless you leave it out too long and then it turns kind of green and these fuzzy things start growing on it."  "Yes?  Yes?" Larry asks excitedly.  "And there were of course the Brownies you bought the cookies from, but they didn't look like football players.  But they were very aggressive.  But then again . . . "  "Balki!" Larry yells.  Balki says he can't do it under that much pressure.  Larry says there's no pressure, only that his life depends upon it.  "Okay, okay, umm . . . um . . . the Brownies," Balki picks.  "You mean the Browns," Larry says.  "Okay, the Browns," Balki agrees.  "The Browns.  Great.  Are you sure?" Larry asks.  "Well, there's only one way to be absolutely sure," Balki says, then takes out a coin and tosses it.  "Flipping a coin?" Larry asks worriedly, "That's how you're going to be sure?  What happened to sheepherder's intuition?"  "It is sheepherder's intuition," Balki assures him, "Although on Mypos we usually flip a sheep.  That's where the expression "heads of tails" comes from."  Balki looks at the coin.  "I was right.  The Browns."
- The final scene in which they are watching the football game is different in some ways.  It starts off with the Browns winning by two points with less than a minute to play after a field goal kick.  "The Browns are set to kick-off," the announcer says, "Here's the kick.  It's deep . . . "  "Yes," Larry says.  "It's taken by Kenny Salo in his end zone," the announcer reports.  "Salo stinks," Larry moans, "He couldn't return a birthday present."  "Well, he probably considers everyone's feelings," Balki says.  This is when Salo makes the run for the end zone and Larry starts freaking out, yelling at the TV (although he isn't pulling Balki around in this version).  "Kenny Salo is going all the way for a touchdown," the announcer calls.  "Those damn little kickers," Larry swears, "No.  No.  This can't be happening."  "What incredible blocking," Balki observes, "With a hole like that, I could have run it back."  "And there's the extra point," the announcer says, "The Packers lead by five with just twenty seconds to go."  "That's it," Larry moans, "I'm packing."  "Not so fast, Cousin," Balki says, "Maybe your team can do the same thing."  "You're right, Balki," Larry hopes, "Moffatt's the leading kick returner in the league."  "Here's the kick . . . it's deep . . . taken by Moffatt at his own five."  "Yes!  Yes!" Larry screams, the panics as he observes, "He trips at the seven.  I don't believe it.  Moffatt, you stink!"  "Cousin there's still fourteen seconds left," Balki points out.  "Big deal," Larry sighs, "Our only hope is a long pass and we have the slowest receivers in the world."  "Johnson's got the ball," the announcer continues, "He's back to pass . . . he throws a long pass to Moffatt."  "I hope he doesn't drop it," Balki says.  "It's caught at the forty," the announcer reports.  "Moffatt.  Yes!  Don't trip!" Larry cries.  "He stumbles," the announcer says.  "No!" Larry cries.  "He catches himself," the announcer continues, "He's goig all the way.  Touchdown!  Browns win!"  Balki and Larry go wild and do the Dance of Joy.  Larry swears he'll never bet on a football game again and Balki says sports should fun, not life threatening.  "You're absolutely right, Balki," Larry agrees, "Thanks for coming to my rescue."  "You're welcome, Cousin," Balki says.  "Well, after all that yelling I could go for a soda," Larry says, "Want one?"  "Sure, Cousin."  Larry gets up and crosses to the kitchen.  Balki spots something in the paper and picks it up.  "Well, how do you like that?" Balki asks.  "What?" Larry asks.  "International Combine went up six points," Balki notes.  "So what?" Larry asks.  "Oh, nothing.  It's just that I knew it was going to do that," Balki explains.  On Larry's sudden look of greed, the scene fades out.

There were still some differences and cut scenes in the Shooting Draft dated November 8, 1989:
- The episode starts the same, except after Balki tells the joke wrong the first time he tries again, saying, "Wait a minute.  I just drove in from Miami and . . . no, no.  It was a west coast city."  After Balki says he didn't know they had a pool at work, let alone one large enough to play football in, he says, "So, what are you selecting?  Swimwear?  Speedo makes a rather snappy pair of briefs."  The rest of the scene is the same, except the very end when Balki asks, "Where do I turn this in?" Larry says, "I'll take it."  Then Balki goes back to his bedroom and Larry goes back to his research.
- The second scene begins with Larry at his desk and Lydia entering as in the first draft script.  "So, how did you do in the football pool, Lydia?" Larry asks.  "I picked three and I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Lydia snaps.  "I picked eleven," Larry brags.  "You want to hurt me, is that it?" Lydia asks, "Why don't you just take out an ad?  You work at a paper."  "I'm sorry," Larry offers, "It's just the best I've ever done.  The money's as good as mine."  "Oooh, let me bask in the glow of your good fortune," Lydia says sarcastically.  She walks to the elevator and presses the button (this is why she's standing by the elevator when Balki enters telling the man the joke, which happens here).  The man doesn't say "I didn't think so," but Balki does say, "Boy, comedy's tough."  "Balki, I picked eleven of thirteen in the football pool," Larry brags.  "That's great, Cousin.  How did you do, Miss Lydia?"  "I got three," she says, "I got three.  Why's everyone tormenting me?"  "She's a little cranky, Balki," Larry explains, "How did you do?"  "I don't know, Cousin," Balki admits, "I heard on the radio that the Seahawks were whitewashed, the Dolphins were blanked and three or four other teams were upset.  I don't even know if they played, poor things."
- After Gorpley says Balki would have won if it weren't for that darn immigrant rule, Balki asks, "Immigrant rule?"  "So, I guess the money has to go to the person in second place, which is me.  Too bad," Mr. Gorpley smirks.
- After Balki explains how he picked the winners, Larry asks, "That's how you picked the teams?"  "Yeah," Balki answers, "You know this is so easy.  I think I'll keep playing and use my winnings to buy Mama that cellular phone she's been hankering for."  This is when Larry calls it a "cute little system" and the rest of the scene is the same.
- At the start of the next scene, Mr. Gorpley says, "Why?  Isn't winning five weeks in a row enough for him.  I mean how many cellular phones does his mother need?"  Later, after Balki explains how Millie the waitress dropped a hot Denver omelette on him, Larry shrugs it off by saying, "Hey, your bio-rhythms are off."  The rest of the scene is the same.
- In the apartment, Balki is on the couch when there's knock at the door.  "Come in," he calls and Mary Anne enters.  "Balki, I thought we were going to the movies," she says, "I've been waiting in the car for half an hour."  Balki says, "I'm sorry, Mary Anne.  I completely forgot.  But I really don't feel like going to the movies."  This is when Mary Anne asks what's wrong.  After Balki says the people at the office want to beat him, Mary Anne says, "They want to beat you?  With a stick?"  "No, no, they want to beat me in the football pool," Balki explains.  The rest of the scene is the same.
- At the start of act two, Balki's line was supposed to be "It will be so nice to go to work tomorrow and have my clothes stay clean."  Mary Anne's line after Larry asks if he can speak to Balki alone is still, "Probably."  As in the first draft script, after Larry says bookies have been known to break legs Balki says, "That's so self destructive."  "Not their legs.  My legs," Larry corrects.  Balki wants to call the police but Larry stops him.  The scene is then the same as what aired until they get to the point where Larry is trying to help Balki relax to pick between the Browns and the Packers.  In the script, Balki asks for mood music as well as Dimitri and having the lights dimmed.  After Larry asks Balki if he's ready, he turns to look and Balki is asleep.  Larry hits him with Dimitri to wake up him.  Balki tells Larry he doesn't know what a Packer or a Brown is.  "Well, the Packers are meat packers," Larry explains, "And the Browns are  . . . earth tones."  When Larry urges Balki to relax again and massages his temples and yells "It's just my life!"  He then calms Balki down again and says, "Alright.  Alright, are you ready?"  Balki is asleep again so Larry hits him with Dimitri again, making him sit up suddenly.  These parts with Balki falling asleep were both filmed then deftly cut from the episode, but you can clearly see Balki is asleep when Larry sits down on the couch the first time after helping him to relax.  And keep in mind when Balki sits up suddenly it wasn't because Larry yelled, it was because Larry hit him with Dimitri again!  On super slow motion, you can just barely see Larry quickly dropping Dimitri back into Balki's arms before he sits up.  At the end of the scene, Balki flips a coin as he did in the first draft to be certain.
- In the football game, Moffatt is the one going back to pass instead of Salo.  After Larry tells Balki he's leaving the country, he adds, "I'm not going to tell you where I'm going, they'll probably try to beat it out of you."  "Thanks for thinking of me, Cousin," Balki replies.  The rest of the show is the same.

At the end of this script are some scripts for ABC On-Air audio promos and the TGIF spots which aired on November 24, 1989.  Here are copies of these scripts.  You can see how Bronson and Mark varied from the scripts to make the spots more natural by comparing the text below with the actual spots on our YouTube Channel!

Continue on to the next episode . . .