Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 83 - Home Movies
First Air Date: December 8, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Amundsen
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guest Cast:
Bobbi Jo Lathan: Guest "Lydia"
Gary Bolen: Gentleman Guest
Darla Slavens: Lady Guest
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode
Balki-isms:
"Winter in a box!"
"Now on this point I’m going to
have to put my foot down on your face."
"Cousin . . . this film is becoming a
pain in my essence."
"But Cousin, the straw that broke
Glen Campbell’s back . . . "
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Where do I come up with them?"
"Wwowww!"
"You are good!"
"Oh, right!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has a plan
Larry uses a clipboard to stay organized
Balki pouts to get what he wants
Balki calls Mary Anne his "little
lamb shank"
Interesting facts:
-
Balki and Larry hosted TGIF the same night as this
episode aired. You can now view the spots on our YouTube
Channel!
- Balki’s comment about his family
wondering "Is it Balki or is it Memorex?" is a reference to the
classic Memorex commercial tag line, "Is it live or is it Memorex?"
The most famous of these commercials featured singer Ella Fitzgerald hitting a
high note and shattering a glass, then the same done with a Memorex recording of
Ella (which was referenced in the very first episode, Knock, Knock . . . Who’s
There?)
- Lydia’s fear of cameras was
established in the episode that aired right before this one, Almost Live from
Chicago. That episode 
was actually filmed much earlier in the season, but it
made sense for it to air right before this one so the running joke would be
easier for people to remember and understand.
- Actor Gary Bolen, who played the actor keeping
watch at the door, provided his own biography for IMDb and mentioned that he
used to work as a Jungle Cruise Guide at Disneyland and even managed to
"derail" the boat once!
- Life would imitate art again in this
episode, as Mark Linn-Baker would begin to direct various shows for Miller /
Boyett and Warner Bros.
-
There’s a very strange bit of ADR
(additional dialogue recording) on Balki’s line to the male actor at the door,
"Who are you?" If you look closely, you can see Bronson’s mouth does
not match the line at all. Since we don’t have a shooting script for this
episode, we aren’t sure what the original line was or why it needed to be
dubbed over.
- Darla Slavens, whose name is now Darla Haun, played the party guest who
kissed Balki, much to Mary Anne's chagrin. She continues to act, most
recently appearing in the movie American Summer, which is due for release
in 2008. You 
can
visit her official website by clicking here.
- Actress Bobbi Jo Lathan was a standout supporting
player in this episode as the actress who played Lydia at the party. Bobbi
Jo is not only an actress but has published several cookbooks as well! You
can visit her official website by clicking here.
- In this episode Larry wears his watch on
his left arm. Larry’s watch switched arms often throughout the series.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
There is an interesting blooper which
can be found in this episode when Balki is showing Mama the kitchen on video.
As
Balki turns on the stove, the camera is facing out toward the "fourth
wall" and you can clearly see the C Camera and crew standing in the
background! You can view this blooper on our YouTube
Channel.
- At the end of the episode, Balki is
watching the tape of the video he’s taken with Jennifer and Mary Anne. But if
Balki removed the videotape to watch in the VCR, how is it there is still a tape
in camera to record Cousin Larry’s greeting? It would be possible if they were
using the video camera to watch the tape, but there is no wires going from the
camera to the TV so this wasn’t the case.
Synopsis:
The episode begins at the Chicago
Chronicle. We see the entry to the parking garage and hear Balki’s voice
saying, "Okay Mama, if you thought the parking lot was spectacular, wait
until you see what I’m going to show you next! Because Mama . . . this is
where Cousin Larry and I work!" Balki runs into the basement with a video
camera to his eye as he scans the room. "Yes, Mama Bartokomous," Balki
continues, taping Larry’s desk, "this is Cousin Larry’s desk. And this
is his favorite coffee cup." Balki turns to camera toward himself and adds,
"I give it to him last Christmas." We see the black and white image
that Balki is seeing through the viewfinder. "This is Cousin Larry’s
pencil cup and this is Cousin Larry’s typewriter . . . " The elevator
door opens and Larry steps out behind Balki. "And this . . . " Balki
begins, turning to point the camera at Larry but losing track of him.
Balki pulls his eye away from the camera
and jumps when he spot Larry. " . . . is Cousin Larry!" We see the
black and white closeup of Larry through the viewfinder. "Don’t you want
to just pinch them little cheeks?" Balki asks, reaching out and pinching
Larry’s cheek and making a cutesy noise. "Where’d you get the
camera?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I rented it," Balki explains,
"I’m going to make a videotape story of my life for Mama. I’m the guest
of honor at this year’s Bartokomous Family Reunion and Jamboriki." "You’re going to Mypos?" Larry asks with surprise.
"Well, of
course I’m not, don’t be ridiculous," Balki says, "I’m sending
this tape in my place. Everyone will ask ‘Is it Balki or is it Memorex?’"
Balki looks into the camera lens and asks, "Where do I come up with
them?" "Well, it’s a very nice idea, Balki," Larry comments,
"but you have a minor technical problem."
"Cousin, I’m way ahead of
you," Balki assures him, "I’ve already taken off the lens cap and I’m
looking through the small end." Balki walks around to film Larry from the
other side. "No, what I mean is your Mama won’t be able to watch this
without a video cassette playback machine," Larry explains, "See, the
tape you’re making goes into a machine . . . " "You mean a
VCR?" Balki asks, "Mama has one." "They have VCRs on Mypos?"
Larry asks. "Well, they have one," Balki answers, "Mama rented it
from Vito Vavoomiki’s Video Land and Sheep Shearing Emporium." "Ah,
but does she have a TV set?" Larry asks. "Well, I’ll tell you,"
Balki begin, "Last fall Poknok the peddler came through town with his
donkey all loaded down with pots and pans and dried herbs and a 50" rear
projection TV set. Mama got it on Poknok’s famous revolving credit plan.
If
you don’t pay, he straps you to a windmill."
"Well, you’ve got the
technology," Larry admits, "What’s your movie about?" "I
thought I’d just let the camera run for twenty-four hours and call it ‘24
Hours in the Life of Balki Bartokomous.’" Balki raises the camera to his
eye again and points it at Larry as he 
starts to back away.
"Leaving Cousin
Larry and them pinchable little cheeks . . . " He make the same cutesy
noise he made when pinching Larry’s cheeks. " . . . and what do we see?
Balki’s workplace! Mama this . . . this is my table . . . " Balki climbs
up on the table and shoots down into one of the baskets. " . . and this is
a letter that’s going to the second floor . . . and this is a letter that’s
going to the third floor . . . " The elevator door opens and Lydia steps
out. "Hello, Larry," she smiles. "Hi, Lydia," Larry replies.
"Hello, Balki," Lydia says as she approaches his table. Balki quickly
hides the video camera behind his back. "Hi, Miss Lydia!" "What have you got there, Balki?"
Lydia asks. "Well, you don’t want to know," Balki assures her.
"Yes, I do!" Lydia smiles. "Well, it’s . . . it’s the thing
that frightens you most in the whole world," Balki warns. Lydia’s face
drops. "You have a copy of my driver’s license photograph?"
"No, Miss Lydia, it’s a video camera," Balki explains, "I’m
making a tape of my life to send home to Mama and I’m having all my friends
say hello."
"Oh, Balki, don’t worry," Lydia insists, "I’ve
been working with a therapist. He taught me a way to overcome my fear of
cameras. 
It’s a new Russian technique.
I would love to say hello to your
Mama." "Okay!" Balki says happily, bringing out the camera and
pointing it at himself. "Mama, I would like you to meet Miss Lydia . . .
" He turns the camera on Lydia. " . . . she’s the Chronicle’s
advice columnist. Whenever you’re ready, babe." We see Lydia through the viewfinder as she
lifts her left hand and makes it talk like a puppet as she speaks. "Hello,
Mrs. Bartokomous. You have a fine son, it’s a pleasure knowing him."
Larry watches this in shock. "Do you need anything else, Balki?" Lydia
asks in her own voice. "That’ll do it," Balki says gently, looking a
bit unnerved himself. "See you later boys," Miss Lydia offers, then
she turns and heads for the parking garage, still holding her hand up. She says
to her hand, "You were very good!" "Thank you," she makes
the hand reply as she exits. Larry covers his startled expression as she leaves.
"Okay, Mama," Balki says into the camera, "Time to watch me
work!"
Balki gets off the table and sets the
camera down next to a stack of letters. He kneels down beside the table so he is
in the camera’s range and starts demonstrating how he sorts the letters into
different baskets. Larry gets up from his desk and walks 
to Balki’s table.
"Excuse me, Balki." Balki lifts the camera to point up at Larry.
"The film you’re making is going to give your Mama whiplash and motion
sickness." Balki points the camera back at himself. "Uh oh.
That’s
what happened when she rented ‘Jaws 3-D’ and forgot to wear the glasses.
Excuse us, Mama." Balki places a letter in front of the camera lens and
stands to talk to Larry. "You know, I could help you," Larry says,
"I have some experience in film making." "You do?" Balki
asks. "I was audio / visual monitor in
grade school for five years," Larry boasts. "Well, you live with
someone, you think you know them!" Balki says with amazement. "I’m
sure we could make a film that would make your Mama the proudest woman at the
reunion," Larry says. "Well, Cousin, that was my goal!" Balki
says excitedly. "I think we share a vision," Larry notes, "and we
could make that vision a reality. That is if you want my help."
"Oh, I
do! I do!" Balki insists as he grabs the camera and hands it to Larry,
"I do! What do we do first?" "Well, first thing we’re gonna
do," Larry says as he looks at the camera, "is . . . get a tape for
this thing." He points to the little window to show there is no tape
inside. "Wwowww!" Balki says, "You are good."
At the apartment the next morning, we hear
Larry’s voice over the establishing shot saying, "Okay, here we go."
Inside, he is standing in the living room with the video camera pointed at Balki’s
bedroom door. "A day in the life of Balki Bartokomous. You ready?"
Balki opens his bedroom door and hurries out, saying, "Yeah, I’m
ready!" Larry looks frustrated as Balki runs back into his room and closes
the door again. Balki comes out again and calls, "Good morning, Mama!"
and throws kisses as Larry films him heading to the kitchen. "Okay, I just,
I want to show you the kitchen," Balki continues, "Mama you wouldn’t
believe the things we have in here . . . " "Cut!" Larry calls,
"Stop. What are you doing?" "I’m showing Mama the
kitchen," Balki explains. "Balki, this is the breakfast scene,"
Larry points out, "You’re supposed to come in, grab your cereal, sit down
and have breakfast. Did you look at the script?" Larry holds out a
clipboard.
"Yeah," Balki says, "Where’s
the part where I show Mama the kitchen?" "I cut that part, we were
running long," Larry explains. "But I like the part where I show Mama
the kitchen," Balki says. "Balki, it doesn’t move the story,"
Larry argues. "But I like the 
part where I show Mama the kitchen,"
Balki pouts. "Okay, we’ll shoot it and deal with it in editing,"
Larry sighs, setting the clipboard down and raising the camera, "Okay, uh .
. . take it from . . . this is our kitchen." "Give me a minute,"
Balki asks, and he lowers his head into his hand like an actor taking a moment
to get into character. Larry looks frustrated again. Balki raises his head and
begins again. "This is our kitchen and Mama you just wouldn’t believe the
things we have in here!" He motions to the stove. "Right in this room,
inside our apartment we have . . . " He turns on a burner. "Fire!"
He moves to the sink and turns on the faucet. "Water!" He then moves to the refrigerator and opens the door.
"And . . . you better sit down for this one, Mama . . . winter in a box!
If
you had one of these, you wouldn’t have to take your frozen foods to the top
of Mount Mypos."
Balki closes the refrigerator and says,
"Well, I guess I’ll have my breakfast now." He walks to the counter
and picks up a box of cereal then heads to the dining table. "Cut!
Hold
it!" Larry says, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no . . . cereal’s no good.
Let’s go with the bran." "But Cousin, I always eat Sugar Booms on
Saturday," Balki points out. "Balki, do you want your Mama to think
you always have a cereal loaded with sugar and lacking in nutritional
value?" "Well, I . . . I . . . " "Don’t you eat bran
sometimes?" Larry asks. "Well, I . . . I eat bran on Mondays,
Wednesdays and . . . on any day when I feel a bit . . . sluggish," Balki
admits. "Well, let’s pretend it’s Monday or Wednesday or a day you feel
a bit . . . sluggish," Larry suggests. "Pretending?" Balki asks
Larry suspiciously, "Ain’t that lying?" "No! No!" Larry
insists, "We are making a movie! We are filming the highlights of your day.
Any day. Could be yesterday. It could be today. It could be tomorrow.
It will
be tomorrow at the rate we’re going."
"The important thing is to capture
the essence of your life," Larry explains. "And that’s not
lying?" Balki asks. "No, no! It’s film making!" Larry says,
"You take a seed of truth, fertilize it with your imagination, water it
with exaggeration and . . . voila! Docudrama!" "You mean like
Saturday Night with Connie Chung?" Balki asks. "Exactly," Larry
confirms, "All right, come on, here we go." He pulls Balki back into
the kitchen. "Here we go. Over here. All right? And we’re gonna go with
the bran." He pulls out the box of bran for Balki then takes up the camera.
"All right, now just show your Mama how you eat a nice, nutritious
breakfast." Balki carries the box of bran to the dining table and pours a
bowlful before he sits down. He takes the lid off the sugar bowl and pours one
spoonful onto the cereal. He then drops the spoon, picks up the sugar bowl and
dumps the entire contents into his bowl.
"Cut!" Larry cries.
"Cousin, I didn’t finish my breakfast," Balki points out, getting up
from the table. "We got enough of the breakfast scene," Larry says,
consulting his clipboard, "Okay, now, later on this evening I’ve arranged
a little get together here at the apartment. Instead of going out to film all
the people you know, they’ll come here. And think of the artistic statement it
will make! Our party here in America sending our film to their party in Mypos."
"I see it and I love it!" Balki smiles, "But Cousin, I better
change my shoes so that Mama can see me in the new boots she just sent me."
"Yes, yes," Larry agrees, catching Balki as he heads for his room,
"Good, change the shoes and let’s lose the vest. It’s kinda busy.
And,
you know . . . I see the character of Balki in a pale blue shirt."
Balki looks startled.
"Cousin, Balki
Bartokomous wears vests. Now on this point I’m going to have to put my foot
down on your face. I want this film to be truthful." "Hey, we’re on
the same side on this one," Larry agrees, "Go with the vest. If there’s
one thing I want this film to be, it’s truthful." Balki smiles and says,
"Thank you, Cousin," before heading into his room. Larry walks to the
counter and picks up the receiver of the phone, consulting his clip board to
dial a number. "Yeah . . . hello, Don?" Larry says, "Larry
Appleton. Yes, I just wanted to confirm I’ve got ten actors from your theater
group for the film I’m shooting this evening? Yeah, now they will be playing
the star’s closest friends in a party scene so I want them to dress
accordingly. I want this film to be truthful." The scene fades to black.
Act two begins that night at the
apartment. The ten actors are scattered around the living room. Larry stands in
the middle with the video camera. "Okay, everybody? Listen up!" Larry
calls, "Quiet, people! I want to go over this one more time. Now . . . we’re
going to do the party sequence. Now we’re gonna surprise Balki because he’s
not expecting anybody ‘til much later." "I hear someone
coming," a man with his ear to the door reports. "Okay, here we
go," Larry says, "We’ve only got one shot at it. Let’s really nail
it. Ready? Action!" The man opens the door as Larry starts to film.
"Surprise!" everyone shouts. Jennifer and Mary Anne are at the door.
"Oh my gosh!" Mary Anne smiles. "Cut!" Larry sighs.
"Ah! A surprise party for me?" Mary Anne gasps, "I . . . I never
even suspected! Thank you, Larry! Thank you, Jennifer!" "Mary Anne,
the party’s not for you, it’s for Balki, remember?" Larry reminds her.
"Oh, right," Mary Anne says.
"Come in, come in," Larry urges.
The girls step into the apartment and the man closes the door behind them.
"Larry? Who are all these people?" Jennifer asks. "Oh, they’re
actors from the neighborhood players," Larry explains, "I hired them
to be in the film." "Well, why wouldn’t you just use Balki’s
friends?" Jennifer asks. "Well, I’m going for a real festive look
here and Balki’s friends just don’t . . . ‘pop’ on film" Larry
explains. "Well, thanks a lot," Jennifer says sarcastically.
"No,
not you! You’re here! You ‘pop!’" Larry assures her, then adds,
"You pop, too, Mary Anne." "Thanks, I try," Mary Anne
replies. "Larry, don’t you think you should have asked Balki before you
did all this?" Jennifer asks. "Jennifer, Balki asked me to make this
film for him and I am going to make this the best film Mypos ever saw! It may be
Balki’s life, but it’s my film."
"He’s coming!" the man at the
door reports. "Okay, all right, over here," Larry says, moving back to
the middle of the living room, "All right, come on, everybody. Now when he
comes through the door I want to see surprise! I want to see warmth!
I want to
see a lot of emotion! Remember, you love this guy! Okay . . . ready?
Action!" The man opens the door and Balki, who has a hold of the doorknob
and is carrying a bag of groceries, is yanked inside. "Surprise!"
everyone yells. Balki looks stunned, but Larry is on him immediately with the
camera. "Great! Hold the look, hold the look!" Larry urges,
"Cross over here, cross over here." He motions Balki to move to his
left where a man wearing glasses is standing. "Big hug!" Larry urges.
Balki hugs the man, who looks right in the camera. "Say something!"
Larry directs. Balki looks down at the man and asks, "Who are you?"
"Okay, good, cross over here,"
Larry motions for Balki to come forward, "Cross over here. Good!
You are so
surprised!" The 
man at the door closes it and Jennifer and Mary Anne sit
down on the couch. One man pats Balki on the back. "You’re happy!
You’re
happy!" Larry directs, then adds, "Choke back a tear if you can."
Balki acts as if he’s crying. "Good! Good!" Larry encourages.
"Hi, Balki!" a woman exclaims as she runs to him and gives him a big
kiss on the lips. She walks away and Balki turns and starts to follow her in a
daze. Mary Anne looks shocked. Larry pulls Balki back toward the kitchen.
"Over here, cross back over here. Cross back over here," Larry says.
"Cousin, Cousin . . . who are all these people?" Balki asks. "They’re all your friends!" Larry exclaims, "You love them so
much!" "Well, I recognize those two," Balki says, pointing to
Jennifer and Mary Anne. "Good, cross over here, cross over here,"
Larry urges, pulling Balki toward the counter, "Oh, and look who it is!
It’s
Mr. Gorpley!"
Mr. Gorpley is sitting at the counter
stuffing himself with hors d’oeuvres. "Big reaction! Big reaction!"
Larry urges, "Big! Big! Big! Big!" Balki looks overly surprised.
"Okay, all right, Mr. Gorpley, is there anything you’d like to say to
Balki’s Mama?" "Balki is a real swell guy, what’s for
dessert?" Mr. Gorpley asks quickly. "Terrific," Larry says,
"Okay, Balki . . . Balki . . . cross over here." "Wait a minute,
I want to say thank you to Mr. Gorpley," Balki says, hugging Mr. Gorpley,
who tries to wave him off. "No, no, no, wait wait wait, no no no, you can
do that when we do the warm scene later," Larry says, "Cross over
here." Larry motions Balki back behind the couch. "Yes, oh, and look
who it is! It’s Miss Lydia from work!" There is a tall, blonde woman
standing in front of Balki. Balki looks around her, trying to find Lydia.
The
woman grabs Balki and pulls him to her, turning him toward the camera as she
smiles.
"Hi, Mrs. Bartokomous," the
woman addresses the camera, "I’m Lydia Markham." Balki looks shocked
and confused. "And I’m so happy and proud to be here at this party to
honor my best friend, Bilki. All of us at the Chronicle love Bilki. He’s such
a joy to be around. And Bilki is such a hard worker." Balki fumbles for
words to say, then finally asks, "Miss Lydia, have you done something
different with your hair?" The woman turns to Larry and asks, "Do I
have another line here? I mean, is he supposed to say that?" "Cousin,
could I . . . could I have a word with you?" Balki asks. "Okay,
cut!" Larry calls, "Hold your places, people." Balki walks up to
Larry. "I’m pretty sure . . . that isn’t Miss Lydia," Balki says.
"Of course it’s not Miss Lydia," Larry confirms, "Miss Lydia
talks to her hand. Your Mama doesn’t want to see that. I got an actress to
play Lydia." "But Mama will think that is Miss Lydia,"
Balki points out.
"So what? It happens in the movies
all the time. The always get an actor to play a real life person."
"Oh, and I suppose Crocodile 
Dundee was some actor?" Balki scoffs.
"Balki, buddy, Miss Lydia wanted to be here. She even wrote the words the
actress is saying. But remember . . . we are trying to capture the essence of
your life." "Yeah, but Cousin . . . " "We’ll talk about it
later," Larry interrupts, "Come on, we’re losing the energy of the
scene. Okay, Jennifer? Mary Anne? Are you ready? Jennifer, why don’t you
start? Okay. Balki, ready? Action!" Balki runs around the other side of the
couch to sit between Mary Anne and Jennifer. He sets down the groceries as Larry
gets into position to film them. "Mrs. Bartokomous, you must be very proud
of your son," Jennifer begins, "He’s kind and generous and loving
and I’m glad he’s my . . . " "Cut!" Larry calls. "Cousin, why you did stop her?" Balki asks, "She was on a
roll." "Jennifer, that doesn’t sound like the script I gave
you," Larry notes.
"Well, Mary Anne and I thought it
would be nicer if we say what we really feel," Jennifer explains. "I’m
not paying you to say what you feel," Larry says. "You’re not paying
us at all," Jennifer points out sharply. "Okay, all right," Larry
sighs, "Uh ladies, let me explain a basic fact of film making. I am the
director. You are the actresses. My job is to tell you what to do, your job is
to do it. Okay, now let’s take it again." Larry turns his back on them to
fiddle with the camera. "I’m gonna get him," Jennifer snarls.
"No, no," Balki says, holding her back, "No, Jennifer, Jennifer,
no. Cousin Larry, I need to talk to you for a moment in the kitchen."
"No, Balki, sit down, let’s finish this up." "Cousin . . .
now!" Balki insists. "Okay, now," Larry finally agrees, and they
walk into the kitchen. Larry checks his watch. "Make it quick," he
says, "These people have to do ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ in twenty
minutes." "Cousin, you were rude to Jennifer and Mary Anne,"
Balki says.
"Balki, buddy, babe! A little spat
over creative differences!" Larry shrugs, "We’ll make up at the cast
party!" "Cousin, I agree 
with Jennifer.
Why you don’t let them say
what they feel instead of what you make up for them?" "Balki, everyone
has to follow my script if we are going to capture the essence of your
life," Larry explains. "Cousin . . . this film is becoming a pain in
my essence," Balki states, "Now . . . now . . . now first you bring in
a lot of people who I don’t even know . . . and then you hire an actress to
play Miss Lydia, and don’t think I didn’t notice the difference in height.
But Cousin, the straw that broke Glen Campbell’s back is that you wouldn’t
let Jennifer and Mary Anne speak from their heart. This is not my life!
This is
something you are making up! And I don’t want to do it any more!"
"What?" Larry asks. "Cousin, read my lips . . . it’s over,
finished, kaputiki!" Balki states. "So what are you saying?"
Larry asks. Balki prepares himself and finally says, "You’re off the
picture." Larry’s mouth drops open in shock.
Even later that night, Balki, Jennifer and
Mary Anne are sitting on the couch watching the tape Balki has made on the
television. 
"Mama, I would like you to meet Jennifer," Balki says on
the TV as Jennifer appears on the screen in the shaky video, "This is
Cousin Larry’s girlfriend." "Balki, this is a wonderful film,"
Mary Anne comments, "Your Mama will love it." Larry enters through the
front door behind them but they don’t notice. "We all love Balki very
much," Jennifer says on the TV. "Mama, I want you to meet someone
really special to me," Balki on TV continues, "My little lamb shank,
Mary Anne." On the television, we see Balki swing the camera around to Mary
Anne standing by the fireplace. "Okay, go," he says. "Mrs.
Bartokomous, I just want to say how glad I am I met your son." As she
speaks, Balki lets the camera drift down to her legs, then finally back up
again. "He has a very special place in my heart. Thank you so much for
letting him come to America." Mary Anne smiles and moves toward Balki and
the camera to hug him. The camera starts shaking uncontrollably as Balki reacts
to the hug.
Mary Anne steps back and says,
"Bye!" Balki then turns the camera on himself and says, "Wwowww!
Well, Mama, um . . . that 
about wraps it up.
I hope everyone’s having a great
time at the reunion! Mama, I wish I could be there with you. You could tell me
everything that’s happened since the last time I was on Mypos. I wish we could
go walking in your garden again. We could go and sit under the olive tree and
watch the sunset and spit pits for distance. Well, maybe I see you at the next
reunion. Okay? Bye bye, Mama." Balki turns the tape off with the remote
control. "Oh Balki, that was beautiful," Jennifer smiles. "Yeah,
it was," Larry agrees, letting them know he’s there. "Oh, Larry,
hi," Jennifer says, "Um . . . well, it’s getting late. Uh, you two
probably want to talk." Jennifer gets up from the couch followed by Mary
Anne. "Right, we’ll come back in the morning and help you clean up,"
Mary Anne offers. As they head for the door, Mary Anne comments, "You know,
I don’t know what Lydia’s been doing to herself but she sure looks
fabulous."
"I saw a little bit of your
film," Larry tells Balki, "It looked good." "Thank you,
Cousin," Balki says, standing up, "You know my only regret is that I
don’t have my closest and dearest friend in the whole world in it so that Mama
could meet him." "Well, I wish I 
could have been in it," Larry
sighs. "Well, I still have the camera." Balki points to the camera
which is set up on a tripod pointed toward the couch. Balki turns the camera on
and he and Larry sit down. "Well, Mrs. Bartokomous . . . everyone . . .
" Larry begins, then hesitates. "Cousin, just say what you feel,"
Balki encourages, "They’re your family, too. Go ahead." "I know
you’re all sad because Balki’s not there," Larry says to the camera,
"and I know you miss him. I know because uh . . . I’d miss him too if he
weren’t here. He’s my best friend. And don’t worry about him because he’s
doing fine here in America. I look out for him. Well . . . we . . . we look out
for each other. And I hope you’re having a great reunion. Bye, bye,
Mama." "Bye, bye, Mama," Balki repeats, then turns to Larry and
says, "Aw, Cousin, that was very nice. Now can you take it again and this
time make it ‘pop?’" On Larry’s reaction the episode ends.
Script Variations:
There are some differences in the
first draft script dated October 18, 1989:
- In
the first scene, Larry is at the file cabinets when Balki enters with the video
camera. When Balki explains to Larry what he's doing he says, "I'm
making a video tape story of my life to send to Mama. Since I can't make
it to the Bartokomous family reunion, I thought it would be the next best thing
to being there." After Larry explains that Mama will need a machine
to play the tape on, Balki says, "You mean a VCR? Mama has one.
It's solid state of the art, cable ready with remote control in a handsome wood
grain finish." The name of the place where Mama rented the machine in
this script is Maltinopolous Video Land and Sheep Shearing Emporium (likely
named for film historian Leonard Maltin.)
- As Balki is sorting the letters for
the camera, Mr. Gorpley enters. "Bartokomous, I know I'll regret
asking this, but what are you doing?" Balki points the camera at
himself and says, "Oh, Mama, talk about a 'movie moment' . . . this is my
boss, Mr. Gorpley." Balki points the camera at him. "Would
you like to say hello to my Mama?" "I'd love to," Mr.
Gorpley says, "Mrs. Bartokomous, your son has worked for me for three years
and I can say without hesitation he is totally inept." Balki blushes
and turns the camera on himself again. "I didn't tell him to say
that, Mama. I may be somewhat inept, but totally . . . Mr. Gorpley is too
kind." Gorpley shakes his head and returns to his office as Balki
continues to talk to the camera. "There goes Mr. Gorpley back to his
office where he disappears for several hours each afternoon. Don't worry,
he's not lonely. Miss McPhaul from circulation usually keeps him
company."
- Lydia's entrance and Balki hiding
the camera from her are the same. After Lydia assures Balki that he's been
working with a therapist and would love to say hello to his Mama, Balki
introduces her and points the camera at her. Lydia screams and runs
out. Balki turns the camera back to himself and says, "We've been
trying to get her to switch to decaf."
- Balki says the line about his Mama
getting whiplash and motion sickness after renting Jaws 3-D but doesn't say she
forgot to wear the glasses. "I knew this felt too easy," Balki
continues, "Cousin, what am I doing wrong?" "Almost
everything, Balki," Larry answers, "You're going to end up with a
confusing, shaky, out of focus, amateur effort." "You're right,
Cousin," Balki sighs, "Who am I kidding? I'm no Ingmar
Spielberg." "Who is?" Larry asks. "I wanted to
send Mama a good movie of my life, but I guess I'll just have to go the
traditional route and send her some Polaroids," Balki says. "Balki,
fortunately I might be able to help you," Larry says. "You have
a Polaroid?" Balki asks. "No. I meant I might be able to
help you make a movie. You see, I was audio-visual monitor in grade school
for five years. And in high school, I carried the tripod for the guy who
filmed the football games. You can learn a lot out there in the wind and
freezing rain. Like how not to lose a punt in the lights."
Balki makes the comment about thinking you know a person. The rest of the
scene is the same as in the final episode.
- The next scene begins slightly
differently when Larry is ready to film Balki coming out of the bedroom he says,
"Action, Balki." Nothing happens. "Action, Balki,"
Larry repeats. Nothing. "You can come out now, Balki,"
Larry calls. Balki finally comes out. After Balki starts showing the
kitchen and Larry says it should be the breakfast scene, Balki says, "But
it seemed like the ideal time to show Mama the wonders of American technology,
not to mention formica." "Balki, I'm fighting the clock,"
Larry complains, "We have a lot to accomplish today." Balki's
line about eating bran on any day he feels sluggish is not in this version, he
just says he eats bran on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. "Balki, let
me explain," Larry says, "Before we were filming your entire
day." "Friday," Balki notes. "Let's try to get
past this day thing," Larry suggests.
- Balki also does not pour sugar onto
his bran in this version. When he sits down to eat, Larry directs, "Mmmm,
what a good breakfast. Take another spoonful." Balki looks down
to take another spoonful. "Look into the camera," Larry
says. Balki stops his action and looks up. "Take another
spoonful," Larry repeats. Balki look down to take another
spoonful. "Look into the camera," Larry says. Balki is
frustrated and says, "Well, which is it, Cousin? Take another
spoonful or look into the camera?" "Take another spoonful while
looking into the camera," Larry explains. Balki attempts to put a
spoonful of cereal in his mouth while still looking into the camera. He
misses his mouth and spills the cereal. "Cut," Balki says,
"Cousin, I think I can do that last spoonful better. Because the
essence of my life is that I'm not a sloppy eater." Balki takes
another spoonful and guides it slowly into his mouth.
Larry says "Cut," and then,
"We've got all the breakfast scenes we need. But because of that
appliance thing we're behind schedule." Larry consults his
clipboard. "Okay, next we've got exteriors by the lake. Lunch
at a typical American restaurant." "How about Wang's Sushi on a
Stick?" Balki asks. "Fine," Larry agrees, and then he talks
about the party that evening. "It will knock their socks
loose," Balki smiles, "But I'd better change my clothes so that Mama
can see me in the vest she just sent me. It makes me look thinner.
And you know how the camera can add weight." Balki exits and Larry
calls Don to arrange getting the actors for the party that night.
- Act two begins at the party
with Larry in the living room surrounded by "guests." Gorpley
approaches Larry. "Hey, Appleton, where's the food?"
"Mr. Gorpley, please don't eat anything until after Balki gets here,"
Larry asks, "I want to get all the food in the shot and I don't want the
look ruined. I'm sure you understand." "Yeah, right,"
Gorpley says dryly, then asks, "Who are all these people?"
"Actor," Larry answers. "Actors? I don't have to eat
with them, do I?" Gorpley worries. "I'll fix a plate for you and
you can have it on the fire escape," Larry offers.
- After Jennifer and Mary Anne enter
and Mary Anne thinks the party is for her, Larry explains how he hired actors
for "pop." "Does Balki know about this?" Jennifer
asks. "Of course not," Larry says, "Since he can't pretend
to be surprised, it's going to have to be real." Jennifer then asks
if Larry thinks he should have told Balki about all of this and Larry explains
it's his film. Balki enters the front door unnoticed, looks around the
room and crosses to Larry, tapping his shoulder, "Cousin, what are the
Neighborhood Players doing in our apartment? Is this street theatre?
I love that." "How did you get in here?" Larry asks with
surprise. "No, no, no, this won't do," Larry says, "You're
going to have to come in again so I can get everyone's reaction to your
entrance." "But I'm already here," Balki points out.
"Humor me," Larry asks, "Go out that door and come in
again. Please." Balki reluctantly agrees and exits. Larry
says to everyone they know what to do and calls for Balki to come in
again. Larry films, Balki enters and everyone yells
"Surprise!" Balki stares deadpan into the camera.
"Maybe just a little more reaction, Balki," Larry coaxes.
"But Cousin, it's not a surprise," Balki says, "I knew about the
party. Though I didn't know it would be dinner and a show."
Larry stops filming and puts his arm around Balki. "Balki, Balki,
Balki. Walk with me, talk with me." They cross to the
counter. "You see, I thought a surprise party would be much more
exciting for the film," Larry explains. "But, Mama might think
it really is a surprise party," Balki points out.
"Exactly! Remember that surprise party I gave you when you graduated
from night school?" Larry asks. "Oh, yes. It was
wonderful," Balki remembers, "Too bad we couldn't have filmed
that." "Well, in a way we are. This is the essence of that
party." "Gosh, I don't recognize it at all," Balki
says. "Okay, okay. What do you say we forget about the
party? Let's start getting some of your friends on film."
"I think that would be a good idea," Balki agrees, "This essence
stuff is giving me a headache."
- They cross to Mr. Gorpley and Larry
starts to film. "Oh, look, here's Mr. Gorpley from work. Would
you like to say anything to Balki's Mama?" "Get me a plate of
meatballs, Appleton, and we'll talk," Mr. Gorpley smirks. They then
meet the actress "Lydia" and after asking if she's going something
different with her hair Balki adds, "And your height?" She
pronounces his name as "Ball-kie."
- After Larry notes that what Jennifer
is saying doesn't sound like the script he gave them, Jennifer explains how she
and Mary Anne thought it would be nicer if they said what they really
feel. "That's sweet," Larry replies, "but remember I am the
writer / producer / director. Your job is to do it as written. Why
don't you and Mary Anne take your scripts and work with each other? We'll
get back to you." Jennifer and Mary Anne walk away.
"Cousin, I think you hurt their feelings," Balki says. "I
don't have time for temperamental actresses," Larry says, "We're
running behind." Suddenly upbeat, Larry continues, "But, hey,
look who else is here to say a few words." Larry begins filming and
motions to one of the guests. "It's the mayor of Chicago!"
The "mayor" crosses to Balki and says to the camera, "Mrs.
Bartokomous, in honor of your son's civic pride and community leadership . . .
" Balki interrupts and turns to Larry, sternly saying,
"Cousin. I'd like a word with you in the kitchen."
"I'll be right with you," Larry says. Balki turns off the
camera. "Now." They go to the kitchen. "Cousin,
that is not the mayor," Balki says, "I don't even know the
mayor." "Yes, you do," Larry argues, "Remember the
time the mayor was at the paper and you were on the elevator with
him?" "As I recall, the mayor sneezed, I said 'gesundheit' and
the mayor said 'thank you.'" "Right, exactly, and at that moment
you were two human beings interacting, laying groundwork for a lasting
relationship. That is if the mayor hadn't gotten off at the fifth
floor," Larry rambles. "Cousin, that is not the mayor, that was
not Miss Lydia and this is not my life," Balki complains. Larry
reminds Balki it's supposed to be the essence of his life and Balki says the
film is becoming a pain in his essence. Balki finally tells Larry he's off
the picture. "Fine, if that's the way you want it," Larry snaps,
"But I think you're making a mistake." "I'm sorry,
Cousin," Balki offers. They enter the living room. "Well,
that's a wrap, everyone," Larry says to the actors, "If anyone needs a
ride back to the theater, I'll be out front." Larry exits. Mary
Anne crosses to the "mayor." "Mr. Mayor I just wanted you
to know I voted for you in the last election," she says.
- The last scene starts out mostly the
same, except during Balki's on-screen words to his Mama he says, "Oh, and
Uncle Porkos, go easy on the swine cooler. You don't want to fall in the
well and get stuck again." As Mary Anne is leaving she says, "It
was fun. I especially enjoyed meeting the mayor. He sure looks
different on TV." Larry tells Balki the little bit of his film he saw
looked good. "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, "After you
left I got everyone to say something to Mama. Well, everyone I
knew." "Balki, I'm sorry. I guess I got a little carried
away. I lost sight of the fact that we were just making a small
film." "There are no small films," Balki notes, "only
short directors." "I meant well," Larry explains, "I
thought you'd want to impress your family. I know if I was making a film
of my life to send home I'd try to paint a more impressive picture so they would
be proud of me." "Cousin, I don't have to impress my
family," Balki says, "They love me and accept me just the way I
am. Besides, I think my life is pretty swell without trying to make things
up. I have a good job, all of my friends are wonderful and I have actually
been to the Chicago Stockyards. Something most young Myposian boys only
dream about." "You're right, Balki," Larry agrees, "I
apologize for trying to make you into something you're not." Balki
says he wishes his dearest friend could have been in the film. Larry
notices the camera on a tripod behind them. "Maybe it's not too
late," he says. Larry starts to turn on the camera but Balki stops
him. "Cousin, wait . . . " "Balki, please. I'd
really like to do this." "Okay, Cousin," Balki
agrees. Larry turns on the camera and sits on the couch next to Balki and
makes his speech to Mama. Balki says it was wonderful. "It was,
wasn't it?" Larry asks. "Now let's try it, once
more," Balki suggests, "This time with tape in the
camera." Balki goes to get the tape as the episode fades out.
There were some further
changes in the Revised First Draft dated October 23, 1989:
- In this version of the script,
Larry points out to Balki that Mama will also need a TV set to view the
tape. "No problem, Cousin," Balki says, "Mama's got a big
screen TV complete with surround sound. Boy, when she jacks that thing up
the island really rocks."
- In this version, after Lydia sees
the camera then screams and runs, Balki says into the camera, "She's just a
bundle of energy, isn't she?"
- The part about eating bran any day
Balki feels a bit sluggish is now in the script.
- After Larry cuts short the breakfast
scene, he says, "I think we've spent enough time in the kitchen.
Unless there's another appliance you'd like to show Mama."
"Well, there is the Mr. Coffee," Balki says. "Why don't we
save it for the sequel," Larry suggests.
- After Mary Anne thinks the party is
for her, Jennifer says, "Mary Anne, your birthday isn't for six
months." "That's why it's such a surprise," Mary Anne
explains.
- After Balki enters without anyone
seeing and asks what the Neighborhood Players are doing in their apartment, he
says, "Is this street theatre? I love it when they stop people that
are in a hurry and make them juggle."
- In this script version, after Mr.
Gorpley says "Get me a plate of meatballs, Appleton, and we'll talk,"
Balki says, "Meatballs loosen my lips, Mr. Gorpley."
- The part with the "mayor"
has been cut from this version.
- The exchange where Larry tells
Jennifer, "I'm not paying you to say what you feel," and Jennifer
replying, "You're not paying us at all" is now in the script.
- In this version, after Balki tells
Larry he's off the picture he just says, "Fine, if that's the way you want
it," and leaves.
- The last scene is pretty much the
same as the last version except Mary Anne comments about Lydia looking fabulous
when she leaves. After Balki points out that he doesn't have to impress
his family, Larry says, "I apologize for trying to make your life a Larry
Appleton production." In this revision, the episode just ends after
Larry's heartwarming speech to Mama and he and Balki wave goodbye to her.
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