Filmed on: July 28, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 82 - Almost Live from Chicago
First Air Date: December 1, 1989
Filmed on: July 28, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Barry O’Brien & Cheryl
Alu
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Zane Lasky: Stage Manager
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode
Balki-isms:
"TGIF. Two goats in Fresno!"
"I just see them little babies and I
just get the hobie jobies."
"You tell your Uncle Balki and your
Uncle Cousin."
"In other words, that’s a ‘don’t
do’ on the TV show and a ‘do do’ on the column."
"Cousin, what’s wrong with our
couch? The salesman said it had my name on it. I never did find it."
"Be that as that may be . . . "
"Well, I forgave you for taping me up
like King Toot."
"We’re back to Binky McDinky, aren’t
we?"
"Cousin, I think it’s time you said
bye bye to Boinki."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this
episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Wwowww!"
"You can say that again!"
"Where do I come up with them?"
"Question?"
Lydia’s pronunciation of Lar-ry
"Ah ha!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki laughs at his own joke
Lydia has a crippling fear of something
Balki is flattered and acts humble
Larry has a plan
Larry responds to something Balki has said
with a lie just to move on
Alliteration focusing on the letter ‘B’
Mary Anne says something amazingly
profound and then explains it in a bizarre way
Songs: "Lemon Tree" - sung by
Balki as he’s polishing his work table with lemon-scented wax
"There's No Business Like Show Business" - hummed by Lydia after she
decides to do the television show
Interesting facts:
- While this show aired as the 10th episode for
the season, it was actually the second episode that was filmed that fall.
- It’s probably no small coincidence
that Balki and Larry have a discussion about TGIF at the beginning of this
episode, Larry finally having to explain it means "Thank God it’s
Friday." ABC’s lineup on Friday nights had been dubbed TGIF at the start
of the season, although most people don’t seem to remember that their TGIF actually stood for
"Thank goodness it’s funny."
- Balki informs Larry that the show That’s
Incredible! had already been canceled. The ABC program which featured
stories of amazing and unusual people and situations ran from 1980 to 1984 and
was hosted by Cathy Lee Crosby, Fran Tarkenton and John Davidson, who would also
be mentioned during the first scene of this episode.
- Lydia’s fear of cameras was one of
many phobias she displayed over the course of the show. Her fear of cameras
would come up again in the very next episode, Home Movies.
- While trying to encourage Lydia to go
ahead with the idea of the TV show, he mentions meeting Barbara Walters at The
Pump Room, which is a historical restaurant at the Ambassador East Hotel opened
in 1938 by Ernie Byfield, known for being frequented by celebrities. You can visit The Pump Room’s official website by
clicking here.
- Also mentioned in this episode is the
ABC news magazine 20/20. Originally in the script it was to be the 60
Minutes news team. Obviously ABC execs felt it would make more sense to
promote their own news magazine instead of rival CBS’ show. To see this and
more changes from the original script, scroll to the Script Variations at the
bottom of this page!
- The reason Balki uses McLean Stevenson
as an example of someone who shouldn’t have their own television show stems
from the fact that after the end of M*A*S*H he starred in no less than
four separate sitcoms which failed miserably, namely The McLean Stevenson
Show, In the Beginning, Condo and most notably Hello, Larry.
- Just a note for anyone who may by
interested, after Lydia makes the crack about realizing she couldn’t be in her
apartment and adds, "Not with that couch," the last and loudest female
laugh
heard after that line is yours truly.
- This is the first time Larry mentions
his high school nemesis, Bunky McDermott, but it would certainly not be the
last! Bunky would come up again in subsequent episodes and even show up in the
flesh in the season six episode, The Sunshine Boys.
- Larry complains about Bunky meeting and
marrying Bryn Bramwell and how her father made him the head of Bramwell
Industries. mentions a rich family named Bramwell. It should be noted that this
episode was edited by Robert Bramwell.
-
There appears to be a little tribute to
Laverne & Shirley in this episode. Lydia Live! is being filmed at the
Phister Theater. In Laverne & Shirley, references to the Pfister
family of Milwaukee were made often. Even though the name is spelled
differently, the establishing shot of the theater appears to have been done as a
period piece, since the cars appear to be older and even the clothing on the two
men walking into the theater appear dated. It's hard to say what this
establishing shot was originally filmed for.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- In this episode Lydia says she’s had a
fear of cameras since she was six years old. Yet in the third season episode, To
Be or Not to Be she is desperately trying to get a part in the Chronicle’s
upcoming television commercial.
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle. We can hear Balki singing the song "Lemon Tree"
over the establishing shot of the building. Once inside, we see Balki is
polishing his work table with lemon-scented wax cleaner. Larry is standing at
the file cabinet behind Balki and approaches, saying, "Whew! What a
day!" Larry attempts to sit on the edge of Balki’s table and slips right
off to the floor. "Wwowww!" Balki comments. Larry picks himself up off
the floor and continues, "Well, as I was about to say . . . 'T.G.I.F.' You know
what that means?" "Well, of course I do, don’t be ridiculous,"
Balki scoffs, "'T.G.I.F.' Two goats in Fresno!" "Thank God it’s
Friday," Larry corrects. "You can say that again," Balki agrees,
then asks, "What does that have to do with two goats in Fresno?"
The elevator door opens and Lydia steps
out, walking over to Larry and Balki. "Hi guys," she says, "Well,
all I can say after a 
week like this is
'T.G.I.F.'"
"Thank God it’s
Friday," Larry says to Balki, trying to help him make the connection.
"Oh!" Balki exclaims, finally getting it. He then runs to the cubby
holes with sorted mail, saying, "Oh well then, in that case Miss Lydia . .
. uh, all I can say is . . . " He returns carrying a stack of mail and
thinks hard to work out what he wants to say. " . . . 'H.A.Y.M.' Here’s all
your mail!" Balki laughs at his own joke, then asks Lydia, "Where do I
come up with them?" "I don’t know," Lydia smiles, humoring him.
She starts to look through her letters. "Oh look," she shows Balki,
"another letter from Channel 8. These people just never give up.
They’re
still trying to get me to do my own television show." Larry overhears this
and is immediately interested. "You’ve been offered your own TV show?
That’s Incredible!" "No, Cousin, ‘That’s Incredible!’ was
canceled," Balki says, "Try to keep up."
"Channel 8 wants me to do a pilot
for a TV version of my advice column," Lydia explains, "but I turned
‘em down." She heads 
toward Larry’s desk.
"You turned ‘em
down?" Balki asks, following her. "Why?" Larry asks. "Well,
I have one tiny little fear," she begins. "It doesn’t have anything
to do with wool chiggers, does it?" Balki asks, looking nervous, "I
just see them little babies and I just . . . I just get the hobie jobies."
Balki wriggles uncomfortably. "Uh, no no," Lydia assures Balki,
"I am terrified of television caaa . . . ameras. When I was six years old
my mother forced me to appear on a TV show with Miss Terry’s Tapping Tulips.
I
was fine until they rolled out the . . . . cameras. All I remember is that lens
moving closer and closer . . . an unfeeling, unblinking eye staring deeper and
deeper into my brain . . . !" She clasps a hand to her forehead and Larry
has to give her support, assuring her, "It’s okay!" "Okay?" she asks.
"It’s okay," Larry repeats. "Okay," she sighs, "Sorry."
"It’s okay," Balki
assures her, although he looks startled by her outburst.
"Anyway," Lydia continues,
"my knees locked, my face froze . . . and Herbie the Clown had to carry my
teeny weeny little body 
from the stage."
"I . . . I can’t believe
this!" Balki gasps. "It’s true," Lydia assures him.
"You
met Herbie the Clown?" Balki asks in disbelief. "Lydia, you can’t
pass up the opportunity to have your very own TV show because of something that
happened a long, long, long time ago," Larry insists. "It wasn’t
that long ago, Larry," Lydia smirks, "To this day I am deathly
afraid of . . . . " "Cameras," Balki fills in for her.
"I
can’t even face the security monitor at the bank," Lydia explains,
"I always have to use the drive-up teller." "Well, Miss Lydia,
they have cameras there, too," Balki informs her. "They do?"
Lydia asks in shock. "Well . . . well, yeah," Balki says, "They
put them way up high but they can zooooom in on you . . . " Balki motions
with his hand the camera zooming in on Lydia and she screams and whimpers, leaning
into Larry. "It’s okay," Larry assures her. "Okay?" she
asks. "It’s okay." "Okay? Okay," Lydia sighs, relaxing.
"I am gonna call
Channel 8 and tell them to stop bothering me and then . . . " Lydia walks
to the elevator, " . . . I’m gonna learn how to bank by mail."
"Whoa,
whoa, wait a minute," Larry says, "Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
wait. Your own TV show? Fame? Fortune? Picture it, Lydia.
You start with a local
television show. It catches on in Chicago like wildfire. Everyone wants to talk
to you. You’re meeting Barbara Walters for dinner at the Pump Room to discuss
your upcoming interview." "Barbara Walters?" Miss Lydia asks,
intrigued. "The Maitre d’ recognizes you immediately and gives you the
best table. You’re sitting next to celebrities." "Is John Davidson
there?" Balki asks excitedly. "Maybe," Larry says. Balki gasps
happily.
"Across the room," Larry
continues, "The rest of the 20/20 news team . . . they smile, wave you
over. They want to do an entire show about you, and do you know why?"
"Because she’s sitting next to John Davidson!" Balki announces
energetically. Larry ignores Balki and continues. "Because you didn’t
pass up the opportunity to have your very own television show." The
elevator door opens. "I am gonna call the station now and tell them they’ve
got themselves a deal," Lydia smiles. Lydia steps into the elevator,
humming the song "There’s No Business Like Show Business." Larry
turns to Balki and looks smug. "I am going to make that woman a star!"
he announces. "I got that part," Balki says, "but what I really
want to know is . . . when is this dinner with John Davidson?" Larry eyes
Balki strangely.
Some time later, it is the middle of the
night and there is a knock at the apartment’s front door. Larry stumbles into
the living 
room in his bathrobe and turns on the light.
He is about to walk to
the door when Balki’s bedroom door opens and Balki emerges, wearing long john
style pajamas and a tall nightcap. He is also wearing slippers with curled toes.
He is dragging his robe beside him and puts it on before they sleepily go to
answer the door. Lydia rushes in, crying, "Balki, Larry, I can’t do it!
I
can’t do it! Don’t make me do it! Please, please, don’t make me do
it!" She pauses, staring at Balki’s nightcap. "Are you on your way
to a party?" she asks. "Lydia, it’s three a.m.," Larry notes,
"Is something wrong?" "Yes, there is something wrong," she
answers. "Oh well come on, Miss Lydia," Balki offers, taking her by
the shoulders and leading her to the couch, "You come sit down and tell us
all about it. You tell your Uncle Balki and your Uncle Cousin."
They sit
down and Larry joins them.
"I have been up all night
worrying," Lydia begins, "I want to do the show tomorrow night but I
can’t. I just can’t face the caa . . . ameras, Larry." "Well then,
don’t do it," Balki states, "Goodnight, Miss Lydia." He leads
her to stand up. "Wait a minute," Larry stops them, "Wait wait
wait wait wait wait wait. This is just a case of nerves. You’ll get over
it." Lydia shakes her head. "I don’t think so. I know me.
Once I see
the caa . . . ameras my mind will go blank. And when the audience asks me
questions I won’t be able to think of anything to say . . . I’ll be
humiliated." "Cousin, you know, she has a point," Balki says,
"Not everyone should have their own television show. Look at McLean
Stevenson. Miss Lydia, if people want your advice they just have to read your
column." "Balki, that’s it!" Larry exclaims, "That’s a
great idea!" "Well, it’s not like coming up with the cordless
shaver," Balki sighs, "I simply stated the obvious."
"And stated it beautifully,"
Larry flatters. "Oh, I don’t know," Balki says. "Beautifully!"
"Well, really?" Balki asks humbly. "Yes, 
you did!" Larry insists. "No, I didn’t," Balki says bashfully.
"Yes, you did! Balki and I can memorize questions from your old columns and
ask them from the audience! That way you won’t have to think of the answers,
you’ll already know them. And that’ll give you the confidence to forget
about the cameras and get through the rest of the show on your own." "No, I didn’t say that," Balki argues, "I . . . I was saying
‘Don’t do the TV show, do do the column. In other words, that’s a
‘don’t do’ on the TV show and a ‘do do’ on the column." Lydia
looks confused. "Okay, it wasn’t your idea," Larry admits, "It
was mine. What do you think of my plan, Lydia?" "I think it’s
wonderful!" Lydia smiles, "You know, I don’t think I say his often
enough, Larry, but you are brilliant!" Larry swells with pride.
"I don’t
think you’ve ever said that," Balki points out.
Lydia takes Larry and Balki by the arms
and leads them to the door, sighing, "I feel calmer and more relaxed
already. Thanks so much for dropping by." She opens the door for them and
they start to walk out, when Larry stops. "Uh, Lydia? We live
here." "Oh, of course you do," Lydia realizes, "This couldn’t
be my place. Not with that couch. Goodnight, boys."
She leaves and
they close the door behind her. Balki walks to the couch and asks, "Cousin,
what’s wrong with our couch? The salesman said it had my name on it.
I never
did find it." "It’s hidden in the pattern," Larry replies
flippantly. "Cousin . . . now, Miss Lydia keeps saying that she don’t
want to do the TV show and you keep changing her mind. Why you do that?"
"Balki, I can’t let her miss this opportunity," Larry insists,
"I am not going to let her end up regretting what would have been, could
have been, should have been while that Bunky McDermott is out there
living a life that should have been mine!"
"We’re talking about you now, aren’t
we?" Balki asks. "Yes!" Larry confirms. "Yes," Balki
echoes. "Yes! We are talking about me! And do you know why?"
Balki shakes his head no at Larry’s manic expression. Larry rushes off to his
bedroom as Balki motions to a higher power "Why?" As Larry returns,
Balki motions above to shush. Larry holds up a pair of his pants and cries,
"Because of this!" "Your pants?" Balki asks.
"No, no," Larry says, taking his wallet out of his pants pocket and
pulling out a small piece of newspaper, "Not the pants. This! I have been
carrying this since 1985." He motions to the paper and reads. "‘Young
Man on the Move.’ But not just any young man on the move! Bunky
McDermott, young man on the move!" "Question," Balki
interrupts. "Yes?" "Who is Bunky McDermott and why do we care how
he moves?"
"Bunky McDermott was the president of
my high school chess club," Larry explains, "I should have been
president! I was elected! But I declined because I was afraid of the
responsibility. So Bunky took over. And then, at the convention of the chess
club presidents, he met the beautiful Bryn Bramwell. He married her.
Her father
made him president of Bramwell Industries. Today he is one of the wealthiest men
in the country." "You mean Bunky and Bryn are basking in the bosom of
Bramwell’s big bucks?" Balki asks. "Basically," Larry replies,
"But if I had Bunky’s bravado I’d be basking with Bryn in the
bosom of those big Bramwell bucks, buddy!" "Boy," Balki comments,
looking at the article again. "Now do you see why Lydia has to do
this?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I don’t see why she has to do a TV show
let alone play chess," Balki says. Larry holds a hand to his pained head.
"She doesn’t have to play chess," he explains. "Well, at least
you’re letting that go," Balki sighs.
Larry is at the end of his rope. "Oh,
why me?" "That’s progress," Balki encourages. "Why
me?" Larry moans. "That’s 
progress," Balki repeats.
"Balki,
Lydia wants to do a TV show!" "Oh, is that so?" Balki
asks, "Then how come every time she talks about it she gets so upset?"
"Jitters," Larry explains. Balki tenses up and starts to shake,
crying, "Where? Where? I hate those little bugs!" "Balki, Balki,
Balki, Balki," Larry tries to calm him, "Not chiggers." "No?" Balki asks.
"No. Jitters." Balki sighs with relief. "She’ll get over it!" Larry assures him.
"Well, even if she do
get over it, I don’t think she want to do it. I think you’re just making her
do it because of this Bunky in your pants." "I am doing this because I
don’t want her to make the same mistake I did," Larry explains. "Well, be that as that may be, I’m going down to that studio with her and
the first time I hear her say ‘I don’t want to do this, Lar-ry!’ I’m
taking her home," Balki insists. The scene fades to black.
Act two begins at the Phister Theater
where the marquee reads, "Lydia Live! Taping today." Inside, a studio
has been set up 
and audience members are being seated.
Lydia is on the stage
having her makeup touched up. Balki, Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne are taking
their seats in the audience. "I still don’t understand," Mary Anne
says, "If it’s called Lydia Live, why isn’t it live?" "Mary
Anne, this is a pilot for a television show," Jennifer explains, "Now
that means if this goes well then the real show will be live." "Oh," Mary Anne says, "You mean if it tests well and the
demographics are good they’ll give it a short order with a series of options
and Lydia could find herself in the middle of a very handsome syndication
package." Everyone looks at her with surprise. "I was once in an
elevator with Ted Turner," she explains. "I’m gonna go make sure
Lydia is okay before the show," Larry excuses himself. Balki also gets up
and says, "I’m going to go make sure Lydia is okay after she talks to
Cousin Larry." They head for the stage.
Larry and Balki approach Lydia, who is
sitting in a chair on the stage intently reading over some index cards. "Lydia?" Larry
asks, startling her, "You look great!
How’s
everything going?" "Fine," Lydia says in a stilted voice but with
a smile on her face, "Fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine."
"She sounds a little too fine, Cousin," Balki notes. "Don’t be
silly, she’s loving every minute of it!" Larry winks to Lydia. The stage
manager walks onto the stage and leans over to tell Lydia, "We’re ready
when you are, Ms. Markham." "Am I ready Larry?" Lydia asks
worriedly. "Yes, you are," Larry assures her. She smiles as the stage
manager fastens the microphone around her neck. "We’d better take our
seats," Larry says, then adds, "Lydia? Have fun with it."
She
smiles but doesn’t look very confident. Larry and Balki walk back to the
audience. "Tape is rolling," the stage manager announces. Theme music
starts to play as an announcer’s voice begins the introduction as the camera
swings from the audience to Lydia standing on the stage.
"Live from our studios in the Phister
Building in downtown Chicago, it’s time for your favorite advice columnist,
the lady who’s 
never at a loss for words . . . heeeeere’s Lydia!"
The
audience applauds. Lydia is smiling and looking very calm and collected.
"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lydia Markham and welcome to Lydia
Live." The audience applauds again. "What did I tell you?
She’s a
natural," Larry says to Jennifer. "I’m gonna start off today’s
show by saaaayinnngg . . . " The camera starts advancing on Lydia and she
starts to panic. "By sayiiiiinnnggg . . . " The camera keeps coming
closer. "Get away from me!" she cries, "Go on! Get away!
Get!" She shoos at the camera, then loses it completely. She screams and
throws the microphone cord over her shoulder to run off the stage, but it is
still attached around her neck and when it tightens it pulls her off her feet so
she ends up flat on the stage. The stage manager runs to her assistance.
"Wow, she does her own stunts!" Mary Anne comments.
Some time later, Lydia is sitting on her
chair on the stage, bent over and breathing into a paper bag. Larry and the
stage 
manager are with her.
"Miss Markham? Are you okay?" the stage
manager asks. "Am I okay?" she snaps, "I’m breathing in a
bag!" "She’s fine," Larry assures the man, "She’s fine.
It’s just an acting technique. She uses it to clear her head."
"Okay, uh . . . we’ll start as soon as you’re ready," the stage
manager says and he walks away. Balki appears from backstage with Lydia’s case
and hurries to her, saying, "Come on, Miss Lydia, I packed all your things.
We’re going home now. Come on." She stands up and starts to follow Balki,
still keeping the bag over her face. "Whoa, wait a minute . . . wait wait
wait wait wait wait wait," Larry stops them, "Nobody’s going
anywhere." "Cousin, you said that if Miss Lydia didn’t want to do
the show we could take her home," Balki reminds him. "I promised if
she said ‘I don’t want to do the show, Lar-ry!’ then I’d take her
home," Larry corrects as he pulls Lydia toward him, "But she still
wants to do the show, don’t you, Lydia?"
Lydia pulls her head from the bag and
says, "I don’t want to do the show Lar-ry!" "Ah
ha!" Balki exclaims. "She didn’t mean it," Larry insists,
"She’s fine!" "Cousin, how can you say she’s fine?"
Balki asks, pulling Lydia back toward himself, "Look at her. Her eyes are
bloodshot, her face is losing color and she’s retaining water." "It’s
just a minor case of stage fright," Larry says, pulling Lydia back toward
himself roughly, "She can get through it!" "No she can’t, and
she don’t have to!" Balki argues, pulling Lydia back again roughly.
"Yes, she does!" Larry yanks Lydia toward him. "No, she don’t!"
Balki pulls her back. "Yes, she does!" "No, she don’t!"
"Yes, she does!" "No, she don’t!" Lydia is being jerked
back and forth like a rag doll. "Okay, she don’t," Larry finally
agrees. "She don’t?" Balki asks. "No, she don’t," Larry
says. Lydia slumps to her knees at their feet.
"She shouldn’t have to do it if she
doesn’t want to do it," Larry agrees, "Come on, Lydia, why don’t
you sit down over here while Balki and I go get the car?" He directs Lydia
to sit in the chair as he tries to pull Balki away to the right. "Come on,
Balki." "No, Cousin I . . . " "Let’s go get the car,"
Larry urges. "Cousin, I . . . " "Let’s go get the car."
"Well, but Cousin, the parking lot is over that way," Balki points
out. "Yes, but I know a secret shortcut," Larry says mysteriously.
"I like secrets!" Balki smiles. "I know you do!" Larry
smiles wickedly, "Come on, it’s over here." "Okay," Balki
giggles. "Let me show you!" Larry says, leading Balki offstage and
behind some curtains. Balki follows on tiptoe, acting excited.
When we next see Larry, he is making his
way to his audience seat and looks beaten up. His hair is disheveled, his
clothes are a mess and he’s holding a tissue to his nose. "Larry, are you
all right?" a startled Jennifer asks. "Oh, everything’s fine!"
Larry assures her. "Where’s Balki?" Mary Anne asks. "He’s
backstage . . . resting," Larry answers. "Larry, are you sure Lydia
can go on?" Jennifer asks. "Oh, are you kidding?" Larry scoffs,
"She begged me to let her try again." "Stand by!" the stage
manager calls. "Heeeere’s Lydia!" the announcer says again.
The
audience applauds. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," she greets
the audience, "My name is Lydia Markham and welcome to Lydia Live. For many
years I have been annnn . . . " The camera starts to roll in on her again
and she loses it. " . . . nationally syndicated communist."
"She’s
going down, Larry," Jennifer observes.
Lydia starts to laugh hysterically,
asking, "Where is Balki? He told me I didn’t have to do this!
He told me
that he would take me 
home!
Balki, are you out there? It’s time to take me
home!" Balki hops out from behind the curtain where he’d disappeared with
Larry. He’s been wrapped from his ankles to his shoulders with duct tape and
can barely keep his balance. His mouth has also been taped. He hops up onto the
stage as Lydia removes her microphone. She pulls the tape from his mouth and he
screams in pain, causing Lydia to scream as well. "Miss Lydia, you don’t
have to do this," he assures her. "Oh Balki, thank you, thank you,
thank you," Lydia cries, leaning into him. She pulls back, confused, and
asks, "Is this what you were wearing earlier?" Larry runs onto the
stage and asks, "Balki, what are you doing? Lydia was doing great!
She was
just starting to warm up. What do you say, Lydia? One more try?"
"Drop
dead, Larry," Lydia says, then she turns to Balki and says, "Balki, I
want you to take me home." Balki motions for Lydia to take his arm and he
starts to hop away.
The next morning at the Chronicle, Larry
is on the phone with Balki standing by. "I’m still getting her answering
machine," Larry reports, hanging up the receiver, "All it says is ‘This
is Lydia Markham. I’m not here right now. I’m on a remote island where there
are no caaa . . . ameras. Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?"
"Well, I forgave you for taping me up like King Toot," Balki points
out. Lydia enters from the parking garage and heads for the elevator.
"Good
morning, everyone," she says coldly. Larry and Balki hurry to her.
"Oh, Lydia . . . Lydia, I am so very sorry," Larry offers, "I am
so, so sorry. I should never have forced you to do something you didn’t want
to do. Can you ever forgive me?" "Larry, dear," Lydia says,
"Please, relax! I forgive you. I’m over it, really."
"You
are?" Larry asks. "Let’s just put this behind us," Lydia
suggests, "It was a bad experience but I’m stronger because of it."
The elevator door opens and Lydia steps in
a pushes the button. A man also gets into the elevator holding a camera with a
telephoto lens. Lydia lets out a shriek and hurries out of the elevator.
"I
think I’ll take the stairs," she says, "I need the exercise."
She hurries up the stairs. "Balki, how could I have gotten so carried
away?" Larry asks. "Well, Cousin, you do get plenty of practice at
it," Balki notes. "But I really meant well," Larry says, "I
only wanted to spare her the pain of a missed opportunity and a life of regret.
Like mine." "Uh oh," Balki sighs, "We’re back to Binky
McDinky, aren’t we?" "Bunky McDermott became president of my high
school chess club and one of the wealthiest men in the country," Larry
complains, "He took an opportunity that should have been mine and he is
living a life that I should be living."
"Now wait a minute," Balki
interrupts, "What is wrong with Larry Appleton’s life? Aren’t you doing
a job you’ve always wanted to 
do?"
"Yes," Larry admits. "And don’t you have wonderful friends?"
"Yes." "And
aren’t you dating the girl of your dreams?" "Oh yes," Larry
nods. "Well, from where I’m standing you look like Larry Appleton, young
man on the move," Balki points out. "I am doing pretty well, aren’t
I?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I think it’s time you said bye bye to
Boinki," Balki suggests, "Come on, get him out here." Larry takes
out his wallet, sighing, "All right. You’re right." He takes out a
piece of paper. "Bunky McDermott," Larry states, "I wish you the
best of luck in your life, but it’s time to get out of mine." Balki looks
a little surprised when Larry starts tearing up the paper into little pieces and
throws them into the air. "Balki, I feel released!" Larry exclaims,
"Cleansed! Free!" "Do you feel poor?" Balki asks.
"No,
why?" Larry asks. "‘Cause you just tore up your paycheck,"
Balki informs him. On Larry’s startled look, the episode ends.
Script Variations:
There were a few notable differences in the
first draft script dated July 20, 1989:
- In
this version, the first scene starts with the conversation about TGIF and not
with Balki waxing his worktable. When Balki hands Lydia her mail he says,
"H.Y.M." for "Here's your mail" instead of H.A.Y.M.
After Balki tells Larry that 'That's Incredible!' had been canceled, he asks
Lydia, "Let me guess. You're replacing Cagney? You're replacing
Lacey? You're going to be all the Designing Women?"
After Larry asks why Lydia turned down the TV show, she explains, "I know
people regard me as a pillar of stability, but I have this little emotional
problem." "Wait, don't tell me," Balki interrupts,
"You have a Cinderella complex? A Peter Pan complex? A Donald
Trump duplex?" "Oh, I have an idea," Larry says, "why
don't we stop guessing and let her tell us." After Lydia tells how
Herbie the Clown has to carry her "stiff little body" off the stage,
Balki comments, "Well, it's a good thing you're not doing the show.
Herbie might not be in town to carry you off stage." Balki tells
Lydia they have cameras at the drive-thru tellers as well but doesn't
demonstrate how they zoom in. He then says, "Well, Cousin, it sounds
like Miss Lydia made the right decision. Well, 'H.A.N.E.'"
Larry and Lydia look confused. "Have a nice evening," Balki
explains. After Larry mentions fame and fortune, Lydia points out,
"Larry, I'm already rich." "Okay, fame," Larry says,
"You could be bigger than Oprah." "Is that before or after
she lost the weight?" Balki asks. During Larry's explanation of
Lydia's fame he cites the entire 60 Minutes new team is there instead of
the 20/20 news team. He finishes by saying, "They want to do a show
about you. And you know why?" "Why?" Balki
asks. "Because you're the biggest thing to hit talk television since
Geraldo caught a chair with his nose," Larry replies. After Lydia
agrees to do the show and exits, Balki says, "Cousin, that was
amazing. You got Miss Lydia to do something she doesn't want to do.
I thought you could only do that with me. How do you do that?"
"It's a gift," Larry explains.
- At the beginning of
the second scene, it describes the action as "There is a loud pounding at
the door. Balki and Larry come stumbling out, half asleep, in pajamas and
robes. Each thinking the other is going to answer it, they both turn and
start back to their rooms. Then, realizing no one is answering it they
both head back to the door. Lydia cries, "Balki, I've got to talk to
you. Larry, I've got to talk to you. I've got to talk to both of
you." Realizing they are in their pajamas, she comments, "I
didn't wake you, did I?" "Of course not. Don't be
ridiculous," Balki answers, "Who could sleep with all that
pounding?" After explaining she's been up all night worrying and
doesn't think she can face the cameras, Balki tells her not to do it.
Larry assures her it's just case of opening night jitters and that she'll
get over it. "I don't think so," Lydia says, "It's not just
the camera, I'm not good in front of people. I need time to think before I
give advice. That's why I write my column." After Balki says he
simply stated the obvious, Larry says, "What I mean is: Lydia's problem is
that she's uncomfortable in front of an audience, but she's very relaxed writing
her column. So all we have to do is make the television show just like
writing her column." "How do we do that?" Lydia asks.
"Cousin, let me take this one," Balki suggests, then says to Lydia,
"We'll bring the audience to your office and let them watch you write your
column." "Or . . . " Larry says and then suggests he and
Balki memorize questions from her old columns and ask them from the
audience. After Lydia says she doesn't say often enough that Larry is
brilliant and Balki points out "I don't think you've ever said that,"
Lydia replies, "Well, then I was right. You know all my other friends
said I shouldn't do the talk show so I'm depending on you to make sure I don't
lose my nerve." "You're leaning on the right guy," Larry
assures her. After Lydia leads them to the door and Larry points out it's
their apartment, Lydia says, "Oh, of course you do. I guess I'm not
as calm as I thought." Then she makes the crack about the
couch. After she exits, Balki does not talk about the couch at all.
Larry says, "Get dressed. We're going down to the newspaper right now
and spend the rest of the night going through Lydia's old columns. I want
to find some questions that show her at her best." "Cousin,
can't it wait until the morning?" Balki asks. "No! We got
to do this now. We can't let her miss this opportunity." He
then goes on about regret and brings up Bunky McDermott. After Balki
realizes Larry's talking about himself, Larry admits, "Alright, you want to
know why I know so much about missed opportunities." Larry picks up
his wallet from the coffee table and takes out a crumpled magazine ad.
"Look at this," Larry insists. Balki looks at it. 'Because
Jim Palmer wears jockey shorts?" Balki asks. "Not that!
The article!" Larry says, turning the magazine page over. Larry's
story about Bunky and Bryn is the same except her name is Bryn Boswell instead
of Bramwell. In the middle of his story, Balki notes, "Cousin, I'm
afraid you're hyperventilating." "Thanks, buddy," Larry
offers and composes himself to continue. After telling the story, Larry
says, "You see, every opportunity is a gateway to other, bigger
opportunities. That's why I'm not going to let Lydia down. Would you
want it on your head that you let a friend down?" "Not without
protective head gear," Balki replies. "Alright then. Let's
get down to the paper and start going through those columns for Lydia,"
Larry says. "Right. Let's go comb some columns, Cousin!"
Balki agrees. They exit. A beat. They enter. "But
first we get dressed," Balki says.
- At the start of act
two, after Mary Anne asks why the show isn't live, Balki says, "You know,
Mary Anne, I had the same question. Larry gave me a rather unsatisfying
answer, 'Shut up.'" After Mary Anne talks about syndication so
knowledgably, she explains it, "My great grandfather invented the coaxial
cable." Larry tells Jennifer to "Stay with her and don't let her
raise her hand." After Balki and Larry go on stage and ask how
Lydia's doing, to which she answers "Fine" repeatedly, Balki says,
"I'm guessing she's fine, Cousin." "Do you think maybe we
could have another quick little rehearsal?" Lydia asks.
"Excellent idea, Lydia," Larry says, "Go ahead, Balki, ask your
question." "Miss Lydia, if you'll excuse us for a minute.
I need to talk to Cousin Larry." Balki takes Larry aside.
"Cousin, I have been thinking about this." He looks at the
column. "I can't ask this question on television. I'm not
'Troubled in Toledo.'" "And I'm not 'Desperate in Denver,'"
Larry agrees, "We're just pretending." "You mean
lying," Balki states. "It's not lying," Larry assures him,
"People really did ask these questions. Lydia really did think of
these answers. We're simply . . . restaging the truth."
"You mean like 'Divorce Court?'" Balki asks.
"Exactly," Larry confirms. "Is anything wrong?" Lydia
asks with concern. "No. No," Larry says, "He can't
decide whether to do it with or without an accent. (TO BALKI) Go
with the accent." "Okay, here goes," Balki says, then
recites from memory, "To fill the lonely hours since my wife passed away,
I've started growing rare orchids. You think it's odd I sleep in a
greenhouse?" "Perhaps a better way to fill those lonely hours is
to get out of your greenhouse," Lydia recites, "There might be a few
flowers out there worth cultivating." "Lydia, that was
brilliant," Larry encourages her. "Boy, Miss Lydia, that was
great," Balki agrees, "I didn't know if it was you or
memorized." "Yes, I do have a flair for this," Lydia
boasts. The stage manager crosses to them. "We're ready when
you are, Ms. Markham," he states. "Let's go make some show
business history," Lydia says enthusiastically. "We'd better
take our seats," Larry suggests. The scene plays out the same, except
that Lydia only panics, saying, "Get that camera away from me.
Somebody help me. I can't breathe!" when the camera closes in on her
and doesn't try to run or be jerked off her feet by the microphone. The
stage manager yells "Cut" and Balki and Larry rush in to help her.
- At the start of the
next scene, the stage manager asks, "Ms. Markham, are you going to be
okay?" Lydia replies sharply, "Am I going to be okay? I'm
breathing in a bag." Larry assures him it's just an acting technique
and the manager says they'll go again as soon as she's ready. Balki is
there the whole time and says, "Cousin, how could you say she's fine?
Look at her." He points out her blood shot eyes, her colorless face
and the fact she's retaining water. "Nit-picking," Larry argues,
"Lydia, snap out of it. I promised I'd get you through this and I'm
not going to let you down." "I don't mind if you let me
down," Lydia says weakly, "In fact this might be a good
time." "Ignore the cameras," Larry says, "Just
concentrate on Balki and me in the audience. Remember, we're your
friends." "If you were really her friend you'd let her go
home," Balki says. "And if you were really her friend you'd go
back in that audience and pretend you sleep in a greenhouse," Larry
counters. The stage manager comes back in and asks, "Is she always
that color?" "Don't worry," Larry says, "She's always
like this before a really spectacular performance." Larry pats Lydia
on the head and says, "Come on, Lydia, you can do this. You're small
but you're tough." "I am. Thanks, Larry," Lydia
says. "That's the spirit," Larry smiles, "Break a
leg." "Cousin, hasn't she been through enough?" Balki asks
in shock. Balki and Larry return to the audience and join Jennifer and
Mary Anne. "Is Lydia okay?" Jennifer asks. "She's
fine," Larry insists, "She'll be fine." "Cousin, she's
not fine," Balki argues, "She's turning a color that is not in the
Crayola Box of 64." "It's just the lights," Larry
insists. "I've seen that color before," Mary Anne notes,
"It's usually before a passenger asks for an air sickness bag."
"Cousin, this is not going to make good television," Balki warns,
"Set her free." "I think he's right," Jennifer agrees,
"She's going down, Larry." "What is it with you
people?" Larry asks, "It's a good thing Lydia's got a friend like me
to force her to go through with this. It's just opening night
jitters. She'll be fine. Watch." "Stand by.
Roll tape. In three, two, one . . . " the stage manager
directs. Once again they introduce Lydia and she begins the show. As
the camera moves in, her eyes glaze over. "My name is 'Lydia Live'
and welcome to my Markham." "Looks like Miss Great isn't doing
so Lydia," Balki comments. Lydia's eyes dart nervously from side to
side. She is about to panic when Larry leaps to his feet. "I
have a question!" Larry calls. There is a beat and then Lydia asks,
"Any questions?" "I can't watch this," Balki
sighs. "My girlfriend and I have been living together for two
years," Larry recites, "Next week her parents are coming to
visit. She wants me to move out while they're here. I say we
confront them with the truth. What do you think I should do?"
"How do I know what you should do?" Lydia screams, "I'm just a
small neurotic woman who was perfectly happy writing my column and taking two
hour lunches. I didn't ask to do this. You made me do
this." She points to Larry. "I don't care what you people
do. I'm getting the hell out of here." She runs from the stage
and this time she is pulled off her feet by the microphone cord.
- After Larry talks
about calling Lydia's answering machine and asking Balki if he thinks she'll
forgive him, Balki offers, "Cousin, I don't know. All you can do is
apologize from the pit of you heart and hope for the best." After
Lydia enters and Larry apologizes she assures him she's over it. "You
are?" Larry asks in surprise. "Well, in my own sick little way I
did ask you to make me do it," Lydia notes, "And in your own sick
little way you did." "You two make quite a team," Balki
compliments them. The rest is the same until Lydia gets in the
elevator. She screams when she sees the camera but the door closes on
them, so she doesn't run out and take the stairs. After Larry says he
meant well and recounts his missed opportunity that Bunky took, Balki says,
"Cousin, we've got to talk about that. On Mypos we have a saying:
'When you walk with one leg in the past and one leg in the future, you better be
wearing culottes.'" "How true," Larry says.
"Because 'If you carry yesterday's luggage on today's voyage, you'll have
no place to pack tomorrow,'" Balki adds. "Words to live
by," Larry agrees. "'If you walk uphill looking back at
yesterday's sunset, you'll miss tomorrow's sunrise. And possibly walk into
a big rock.'" "I got it, I got it," Larry says,
"Except for the rock part." The rest of the scene with Larry
accidentally tearing up his paycheck is the same.
There are some bits in the
shooting draft dated July 26, 1989 that were
filmed but cut from the final episode:
- According to the cast sheet,
Tom Henschel did the voice of the announcer for Lydia Live. It's not known
if he actually did do the voice since he is not credited on the show.
- This version begins with Balki
cleaning the table with wax and singing Lemon Tree. After Larry slips and
falls, Balki says, "Wow. It really does wax while it
cleans." Larry pops up and notes, "Hey, I can see
myself." He then goes into the "T.G.I.F." talk.
- After Balki tells Larry "That's
Incredible!" was cancelled, he says to Lydia, "Let me guess.
You're replacing Murphy Brown?" "No," Lydia answers.
"You're replacing Molly Dodd?" Balki tries.
"No." "Work with me Miss Lydia," Balki says,
"There aren't that many meaty roles for women on television."
The rest of the first scene is the same.
- After Lydia notes that she doesn't
say often enough that Larry is brilliant and Balki points out that he doesn't
think Lydia's ever said Larry is brilliant before, she says, "Well, then I
was right."
- The dialogue about Balki's name
being on the couch is also not in this version of the script.
- Instead of Balki asking, "Then
how come every time she talks about it she gets so upset?" he asks,
"Then why is it every time she talks about it she starts vibrating?"
- After Balki makes the statement that
he's going to take Lydia home the minute he hears her say "I don't want to
do this, Larry," the scene continues. Larry says, "Hey, I'm for
that." "No, you . . . you are?" Balki asks with
surprise. "Sure. Despite what you think this is not
personal. I'm over the Bunky McDermott thing. The only reason I'm
doing this is for Lydia." "You are?" Balki asks.
"Yes." "Well, I'm glad to hear that."
"Well, we might as well hit the sack," Larry says. "I'm too
tired to exercise, Cousin," Balki says, "I'm just going to go to
bed." Balki exits. Larry goes to the phone and looks up a
number in a small phone book and dials. Disguising his voice, Larry says
into the receiver, "Bunky McDermott? Did I wake you?
Good." Larry hangs up satisfied. (This scene was filmed but cut
from the episode. If you look at the very end of the fade out for the
commercial you can see Larry as he's about to say his next line.)
- At the beginning of Act Two, Larry
and Balki enter before Jennifer and Mary Anne. "Can you believe
it?" Balki asks, "This is the same studio where they shot 'Gone With
the Wind.'" "No, this is where they showed 'Gone With the
Wind,'" Larry corrects, "It used to be a movie theater."
"Oh. I was wondering how they got all the Munchkins in here,"
Balki adds.
- After Mary Anne displays her
knowledge of television syndication, she explains it by saying, "My cousin
is Brandon Tartikoff." Larry tells Jennifer to stay with Mary Anne
and not let her raise her hand.
- When Larry and Balki first return to
their seats, Jennifer asks, "Is Lydia okay?" "She's
fine. She's just fine," Larry insists. "I don't know,
Cousin," Balki notes, "If she were any whiter, she could do
mime." "It's just the lights," Larry says. The rest
of the scene plays out the same.
- The next scene is the same, except
for the end after they go behind the curtain. The script reads: A struggle
begins and the curtain moves violently. Balki's head sticks through the
curtain. Larry pulls him back by the mouth. The curtain moves
again. The curtain stops. A beat. Balki comes out as if he won
the fight. He starts to move towards Lydia. Larry reaches out from
under the curtain and grabs him by the ankle. Balki falls forward and is
dragged back under the curtain. (This scene was also filmed but not used
in the final episode.)
- At the start of the next scene,
Lydia is sitting in her chair on the stage with her makeup case on her
lap. Larry comes out from behind the curtain and goes to her.
"I'm ready to go, Larry," Lydia says. Larry takes her case and
tells the stage manager, "She's ready to go." "I thought I
was going home," Lydia comments. "You are. Right after the
show," Larry states. Then Larry joins Jennifer and Mary Anne in the
audience.
- After Lydia calls herself a
"nationally syndicated communist," she says, "Did I say
communist?" She laughs maniacally. "I meant to say
communist." Jennifer notes that Lydia is going down. "I'm
not good at this," Lydia cries, "I told him I wouldn't be good at
this. But he made me do this." Lydia then calls for Balki, who
comes out from behind the curtain all taped up. Lydia asking Balki,
"Is this what you were wearing earlier?" is not in the script.
After Lydia tells Larry to drop dead she says, "Balki, I want you to take
me home." "Of course you do," Balki agrees, "But
perhaps you should drive." They head offstage. Larry looks into
the camera and says, "We'll be right back after these messages."
- In the last scene, Balki says,
"Well, I forgave you for taping me up like a mummy and sticking me in the
broom closet. But I'm family. I had no choice." Balki
doesn't call Bunky any alternative names in this script.
- When Balki is naming the good things
about Larry's life, he includes, "Don't you have wonderful friends?"
and then, "And a terrific Cousin?"
- After Larry admits that he's doing
pretty well, Balki says, "For all you know, Bunky McDermott might be
carrying a clipping of you around in his wallet." "You know,
there was a rather flattering article about me in the year book," Larry
says. The rest of the scene is the same, except at the very end Larry
tries to piece back together the pieces of his paycheck.
Here is a copy of the production schedule for that week's filming:
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