Perfect Strangers Online - Episode Guide

Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 81 - Hello, Ball

First Air Date: November 24, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.1 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Barry O’Brien & Cheryl Alu
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons

Guest Cast:
Robert King: Mr. Lyons

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode

Balki-isms:
"Hold the phone book."
"Cousin, can I play with the Doctor of Swing?"
"Mostly the accent."
" . . . I took some private time and I came to a concussion."
" . . . I’m not one to blow my own nose . . . "
"Cousin, wild turkeys couldn’t stop you."
" . . . it’s really not that difficult. All the holes are numbered."

Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Can I tempt you?"
"Well, that’s great!"
"Oh po po."
"Wwowww!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry comes up with a plan, this time to lose golf to Jennifer’s father
Larry tricks Balki into doing something wrong by lying
Balki tells Larry a story about something that happened on Mypos

Notable Moment: We meet Jennifer’s father.

Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode is a tip of the hat to the classic Honeymooners episode entitled The Golfer. While trying to learn to play golf, Ed reads that he must address the ball. Ed says he understands, acts like he is about to swing, then tips his hand and exclaims, "Hello, ball!" much to Ralph’s frustration.
- This is the first time we see Balki wear his Myposian tuxedo since the second season episode Tux for Two.
- Veteran actor Robert King was perfectly cast as Jennifer’s father. He appeared in the classic comedy film, The Out-of-Towners and also guest starred on The Cosby Show, The Golden Girls and L.A. Law. According to one website, he was formerly a professor in the English department at the University of North Dakota.
- Balki’s comment, "Well, don’t that turn my brown eyes blue?" is a reference to a 1977 country hit by Crystal Gayle entitled Don’t it Make My Brown Eyes Blue.
- Ever wonder why Balki dumps his golf bag out at every tee? Read the Script Variations below to find out!
- Similarly, Balki’s reference to "the Larry Appleton who loves raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" is for one of the musical numbers from The Sound of Music entitled My Favorite Things.
- Devo the Butcher is the most oft-mentioned of all the characters who turn up in Balki’s Myposian stories. He will come up in conversation again in the episode Because They’re Cousins.
- The night this episode aired, Balki and Larry again hosted the evening of TGIF spots on ABC. You can now view these spots on our YouTube Channel!

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- Mary Anne says Jennifer’s father tripped over Larry’s bike on the stairs, but didn’t Larry give his bicycle to Eddie in the episode Tenspeed and Soft Touch?
- At the very end of the episode after Jennifer exits you can vaguely see the shadow of one of the cameras moving to the right to get into a new position for the final shots.

Synopsis:
The episode begins one night at the apartment. Larry and Balki rush in the front door and Larry turns on the lights. They are well-dressed; Balki is wearing his Myposian tuxedo. "I can’t believe this is happening!" Larry says as they hurry to the kitchen, "Jennifer’s father comes to town, it’s my big chance to impress him and I slam the taxi door on his hand." Larry has pulled an ice cube tray from the freezer and Balki has taken a glass bowl from the cupboard. They meet at the counter. "Well, Cousin, look on the bright side," Balki offers, "Maybe the pain in his hand will make him forget you set his necktie on fire." "I was just trying to light his after dinner cigar," Larry explains, emptying the ice into the bowl, "And I put the fire out." "Well, that’s true," Balki agrees, "Throwing that glass of red wine on him was real quick thinking." Larry looks pained, saying, "I knew I should have ordered white wine!"

Larry carries the bowl of ice to the coffee table as Mary Anne enters. "Jennifer and her father are on their way up," she announces, "I think his hand’s okay . . . but he tripped over your bike on the stairs." Larry eyes Balki in despair. Jennifer enters with her father, Mr. Lyons. The man’s tie is badly burned and there is a huge red round stain on the front of his shirt where the tie ends. "Why are we stopping here?" Mr. Lyons asks, "Can’t we just go upstairs?" "Oh, Mr. Lyons," Larry says, approaching him with the bowl of ice, "I am so sorry. I am just so, so sorry. Here, put your hand in this ice." Larry grabs Mr. Lyons’ hand, causing him to cry out in pain. "Ah, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!" Larry insists, "I just wish there were something I could do." "Larry . . . Larry relax," Mr. Lyons urges, "Accidents do happen. Just usually not with this frequency." Balki approaches them carrying a covered dish. "Uh, hey everyone, I think it might be time for dessert. It’s an old family recipe . . . Stuki-mookie-ping-pong. Stewed prunes with Lucky Charms."

Balki removes the cover and holds the tray out to Mr. Lyons. "Can I tempt you?" Mr. Lyons holds his hand up and smiles, answering, "No thanks, I’m cutting down." Balki holds the tray in front of Jennifer, who just gives Balki a look. "Can we go now?" Mr. Lyons asks Jennifer, "I just wanna get up in the morning and play a little golf." "Golf?" Larry asks, "You play golf? Well, that’s great! I play golf, too!" "You play golf?" Balki asks incredulously. "Yeah, I’m a terrific golfer," Larry insists, "Why don’t we put together a foursome?" "Larry . . . you play golf?" Jennifer asks skeptically. "Fine, we’ll play Saturday morning," Mr. Lyons agrees, "Now, can we go? It’s been a very strenuous evening." Jennifer opens the front door for her father. "Bye," she says. "Good night," Mr. Lyons says over his shoulder as he exits. Mary Anne heads for the door with the dessert tray. "Thanks for the Stuki-mookie-ping-pong," she says, then she stops at the door and adds, "Gee, Larry. I didn’t know you played golf!" She exits.

The next day Larry is in the living room kneeling down and adjusting an odd-looking machine sitting on the floor. It consists of a stationary green with a tee and a ball set on it attached to a string. The sofa has been moved back and the coffee table pushed aside. Balki enters through the front door with his schoolbooks over his shoulder. "Balki," Larry says, "Look at this. What do you think?" "I love it," Balki answers without a moment of hesitation, "Absolutely love it. What is it?" "It’s called the Swing Doctor," Larry explains, "See the ball is attached to a computer that analyses your golf swing and tells you exactly how far and in what direction you hit the ball." "Hold the phone book," Balki says, "Are you still trying to convince me you can golf?" "Balki, I can play golf," Larry sighs with frustration, "Here, come on. Watch this." Larry stands up with Balki, who sighs, "Oh po po po po po po po." Larry directs Balki to stand by the far end table as he grabs a golf club and steps up to the Swing Doctor.

Larry readies himself and then swings, hitting the ball, which is attached to a string. Balki follows the swing as if the ball were going to fly past him. "Two hundred and forty yards straight down the fairway," the Swing Doctor states in a computerized voice, "Excellent shot." Balki is surprised. "It talks!" he gasps. Larry nods. "And it says that you’re a good golfer," Balki adds, "Well, don’t that turn my brown eyes blue? Cousin, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry." "That’s okay, Balki," Larry assures him. "Cousin, can I play with the Doctor of Swing?" Balki asks. "Well, sure," Larry says, handing Balki the club, "Be my guest." Larry resets the machine as Balki feels the club’s weight in his hands. "Boy . . . this is lighter than what we use on Mypos." "You have golf on Mypos?" Larry asks. "Well, we have bang bong poki noki waka yahoo," Balki answers. "Bang bong poki noki waka yahoo?" Larry asks. "Yeah, it’s played with fence posts and jagged rocks," Balki explains, "Cousin . . . "

Balki motions for Larry to stand next to the end table as he prepares to swing. He swings the club, hitting each of his arms in turn as he says, "Bang bong." He then lifts the club over his head with both hands and jumps to face the opposite direction then back again quickly, saying, "Poki noki." He then swings the club wildly in a circle over his head saying, "Waka waka waka waka waka . . . " "All right, h . . . h . . . h . . . hold it, hold it, hold it," Larry stops him, "What are you doing?" "I’m winding up my waka waka," Balki explains. Larry steps closer. "Balki, this isn’t bang bong poki noki waka yahoo. This is golf. If you’re gonna play golf you might as well do it right." Larry takes the club from Balki and demonstrates the proper way to hold it. "Now, golf is played with a very loose, relaxed and graceful swing. All right?" Larry sways his hips back and forth as he lightly swings the club. Balki also swings his hips in time with Larry’s.

"Now, grasp the club lightly like this," Larry demonstrates, giving the club to Balki, "Okay? Take an easy stance." Balki loosens up his body. "Stay loose on your feet," Larry instructs. Balki loosens up even more. "All right," Larry smiles, then gets serious and says, "Lock your elbows." Balki tightens his elbows. "Lock your wrists." Balki tightens his wrists. "Lock your knees." Balki snaps his legs together firmly. "Lock your neck." Balki stiffens his neck, now tightened from head to toe as straight as a board. He eyes Larry a bit doubtfully. "Okay, go ahead, take a swing," Larry says and steps away. Balki shuffles up to the Swing Doctor keeping the same stiff posture. Larry watches as Balki swings, keeping everything locked. He barely taps the ball off its tee. "Five yards to the left," the Swing Doctor announces. The swing has thrown Balki off balance and Larry rushes forward to catch him before he falls over. "You could throw it further," the Swing Doctor adds. "If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all," Balki scolds the machine, "Besides, I’m going to do better on Saturday."

"Saturday?" Larry asks. "That’s when we go golfing with Jennifer and her Papa," Balki reminds Larry. "Uh, I’m sorry," Larry says, "I . . . I wasn’t planning on asking you to play with us." "Why not?" "What I need is a partner who can . . . golf," Larry explains. "Oh. Well, okay," Balki says with a little disappointment, "I understand. But if you ever need someone to play bang bong poki noki waka yahoo, you will call me?" "You’ll be the first," Larry promises. Balki hands the club back to Larry, saying, "Just remember, you need twenty-eight players on each team." Larry nods as Balki walks into his bedroom. There is a knock at the door and Larry answers it. Jennifer is standing there. "Oh, Jennifer, come on in," Larry invites her. "Hi, um, Larry I wanted to talk to you about the golf game on Saturday," Jennifer begin as she steps into the apartment.

"I know, you think I lied about being able to play golf," Larry says, "I happen to be an excellent golfer." "You mean you didn’t lie about this?" Jennifer asks with surprise. "No," Larry answers. "I was counting on you lying about this," Jennifer says. "But this is the one time I don’t have to lie," Larry points out, "I’m good! Why is this so hard for everyone to accept?" "Larry, my father is a very bad golfer," Jennifer explains, "and a very bad loser. Now, if you beat him at golf, well, it’ll be even worse than last night if . . . that’s possible." "Oh. Well, then it’s simple," Larry says, "I won’t beat him." "Thank you, Larry," Jennifer smiles. "But I really am good," Larry says emphatically. "Now all we need is a really terrible golfer to play with us," Jennifer notes, "Do you know anyone?" "Hi, Jennifer," Balki says as he walks out of his bedroom and into the kitchen. "Hi," Jennifer replies. "I think I can come up with someone," Larry smiles.

Saturday on the golf course, Larry, Balki, Jennifer and Mr. Lyons arrive at the first tee. Balki is wearing old-world shorts and a matching scarf. "Wwowww!" Balki comments, "This is some pasture! I wonder how they get the sheep to eat the grass so evenly?" Balki turns his golf bag upside down so that all the clubs drop out of it, then he shakes it until the ball also falls out. "Larry, why don’t you tee off first?" Mr. Lyons suggests. "Sure," Larry agrees. Jennifer leans toward him, saying quietly, "Don’t make it too obvious." "Don’t worry," Larry assures her, "I can make a golf ball do anything." Larry walks to the starting point and sets up his tee and ball, then readies himself to swing. He hits the ball which flies straight up into the air. It comes back down and bounces once before Larry catches it, looking bemused. Mr. Lyons walks over to him. "I guess I got under it again," Larry sighs, "Thought I solved that problem." "Apparently not," Mr. Lyons says smugly. "That’s one stroke," Larry announces, then he walks back to Jennifer and Balki as Mr. Lyons prepares to tee off.

"Larry, you are good! That’s one of the worst shots I ever saw!" Jennifer says to him quietly. "Thank you," Larry smiles. Mr. Lyons tees off. His ball sails into a grove of trees where it bounces off one trunk and then lands in a sand trap. Angrily, Mr. Lyons hits the tee with his club, growling, "Rotten tee. It’s much too low for me." "But excellent form, sir," Larry assures him, "Really nice. Balki, you’re up." Balki sets his ball on the ground, then readies himself, pausing a moment to throw his scarf over his shoulder. He raises the club over his head and spins it around, crying, "Waka-waka-waka-waka-waka yahoo!" Balki swings on the "yahoo" and hits the ball, which soars through the air, landing not far from the green. "What the hell was that?" Mr. Lyons asks. "Off hand I’d say two-hundred and sixty yards straight down the middle of the fairway," a stunned Larry answers. Jennifer looks at Larry and says, "It’s been nice dating you, Larry." Mr. Lyons approaches Balki. "Quite a shot, Balki." "Thank you very much," Balki smiles. "Just what is your handicap?" Mr. Lyons asks. Balki thinks a moment, then answers, "Mostly the accent." The scene fades to black.

Act two begins later in the day. Balki dumps his golf bag out again at the fifth tee. Larry approaches him. "Balki, in the apartment you were terrible. Out here you’re hitting the ball a mile. What happened?" "Well, Cousin, you know after the other day when I struck out with the Swing Doctor I took some private time and I came to a concussion," Balki explains, "I really stink at American golf. Now on the other hand, I’m not one to blow my own nose but I’m pretty terrific at bang bong poki noki waka yahoo. So I decided to just do what comes naturally even if, as you say, it makes me look like I’ve been struck by lightning." "Balki, you’re beating Mr. Lyons," Larry says. "Well, it would be hard not to," Balki points out. "Mr. Lyons is our guest," Larry notes. "I know that," Balki insists. "It is against the rules to beat the guest," Larry states. "Why you didn’t tell me?" "Well, I assumed you knew," Larry shrugs. "No, I didn’t know," Balki says in a similar tone.

"Well, you know I personally would never say this," Larry begins, "but there are those who would call what you’re doing . . . cheating." "Cousin, I . . . I have never cheated in my life!" Balki says, getting emotional. "I know," Larry assures him. "Ever!" "I know." "Ever!" "I know, Balki. That’s why I just wanted to point it out." Larry pats Balki on the shoulder and walks away. Balki steps after him. "Cousin, I don’t want to cheat Mr. Lyons. I don’t want to cheat anybody!" "All right, what you have to do is just continue to hit the ball as far and as hard as you can . . . but don’t get it anywhere near the hole until you’ve hit it ten or eleven times." "Like Mr. Lyons is doing?" Balki asks. "Yes," Larry nods, "Yes. Exactly like Mr. Lyons is doing." "Then everything will be okay?" Balki asks. "Then everyone will be happy," Larry assures him. "Thank you for the tip, Cousin," Balki says, "I will do my best to do my worst."

Still later, the four are on the green of the 18^th and final hole. Balki is putting, but he’s down on his knees behind the ball, wiggling the club around in his hand and muttering "waka waka waka waka waka yahoo" as he taps the ball past the hole, counting, "Seven." He does this again, counting, "Eight." Larry walks past him and says softly so only Balki can hear, "Don’t overdo it." Larry stands next to Jennifer, who is holding the flag. "Waka waka waka waka waka yahoo . . . oops," Balki says as he finally hits the ball into the hole. "What’s the score now, Larry?" Jennifer asks. "Well," Larry says, taking the score pad and pencil out of his pants pocket as Mr. Lyons squats down near his ball to study his shot, "Let’s see. You and your dad are just one stroke behind. Uh, gee Mr. Lyons, looks like Balki and I just fell apart on the back nine." "Well, don’t be too hard on yourself, Larry," Mr. Lyons assures him, "Better players than you have choked when I’ve put the pressure on."

Mr. Lyons putts and makes the shot. "Great shot, Dad!" Jennifer says. "Yes, great shot, Mr. Lyons," Larry agrees, then says to Jennifer, "I could play better when I was six." "Guys, thanks for doing this for me," Jennifer says to Balki and Larry. "Oh, don’t mention it," Balki says. "Don’t worry, I won’t," Jennifer says, "If Dad knew that you cheated and lost on purpose he’d be very upset. Thanks." She sets the flag down and joins her father. "Well, hey, my shot," Larry says, walking toward his ball. Balki grabs Larry by the back of the shirt collar and pulls him back. "Cousin, may I have a private word with you?" "Not now, Balki, I have a putt to miss," Larry points out, trying again to walk away but Balki pulls him back again. "Cousin, you told me I was cheating by winning. Instead, I’ve been cheating by losing. You made me a cheating loser . . . which, when you think about it, is really stupid." "But it’s for a good cause," Larry says, "After I miss this next putt Mr. Lyons will love me. Now, let me play." Larry walks to his ball with Balki following.

"Well, he won’t be loving the real you," Balki insists, "The Larry Appleton who loves raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Think about it, Cousin. Someday you may marry Jennifer. What are you going to do? Play bad golf the rest of your life?" "I could live with that," Larry states. "Well, it’s not going to stop with golf," Balki points out. "So I lose a few hands of bridge. Throw a game of checkers. Take a dive at Pictionary. Big deal." "Well, Larry, it’s all riding on this last putt," Mr. Lyons points out, "If you miss it, I win." Larry prepares to putt. He is about to swing when Balki says, "Cousin . . . this reminds me of something that once happened on Mypos. Every Friday, Devo the butcher used to give free soup bones to all the widows in the village. So every Friday Uncle Thriftos used to dress up as a widow to get free soup bones. Everything was fine until the butcher fell in love with him and asked him to go out dancing. Well, after one date, Uncle Thriftos decided he had to give up soup, change his name and move to another village."

"Is there a point to this?" Larry asks. "Well, of course there is, don’t be ridiculous," Balki says, "Cousin, you can pretend to be someone else and get free soup bones but sooner or later you have to dance with the butcher." Balki walks to Jennifer and Mr. Lyons, leaving Larry with these words of wisdom. "Go ahead, Larry," Mr. Lyons says. Larry gets ready and makes a long putt, hitting the ball in the hole. "Way to go, Cousin!" Balki cheers as they approach Larry, "I’m proud of you." Mr. Lyons throws his club down angrily and walks away. "Larry, you won," Jennifer says in shock, then adds, "I just don’t know you any more." She walks off after her father. Balki puts a supportive arm around Larry’s shoulder.

Later that evening, Balki is sitting on the couch in the apartment, reading, when there is a knock at the door. "Come in," Balki calls. Jennifer and her father enter, closing the door behind them. Balki gets up from the couch. "Balki, is Larry home?" Jennifer asks. "No, but I expect him any minute," Balki answers. "I, uh . . . I want to apologize," Mr. Lyons explains. "Oh," Balki sighs sweetly, stepping over and giving Mr. Lyons a hug, "I accept." "Balki, he wants to apologize to Larry," Jennifer says. "Oh," Balki realizes. "Dad and I had a long talk about his temper on the golf course," Jennifer continues, "and I admitted that I asked Larry to lose so Dad wouldn’t get angry." "I really feel awful about this," Mr. Lyons confesses, "I mean, I hope Larry will forgive me." Larry enters the apartment and is surprised to see them. "Jennifer. Mr. Lyons." "Larry, I have something to say to you," Mr. Lyons begins. "Well, I have something I want to say to you," Larry interrupts, "There’s something that’s been really bugging me and I have to get it off my chest."

Balki and Jennifer step toward Larry. "No you don’t, Cousin," Balki says. "Yes, I have to say this," Larry insists. "Well, you know, I don’t think you really should . . . " Balki tries again. "Balki . . . " "Listen to him, Larry," Jennifer agrees, "Really!" They continue to talk, trying to stop Larry. "Please, please, please!" Larry says, "Just let me do this!" He gives them a stern look and Balki and Jennifer back away. "Mr. Lyons, I was gonna let you win at golf because I like your daughter," Larry begins. "Super," Balki steps in again, "Anyone for coffee?" "Balki, please!" Balki steps away again. "I could’ve beaten the socks off you but I wanted you to like me," Larry continues, "And now I realize that what you think of me shouldn’t be so important. What is important is what Jennifer thinks of me and what I think of me. Frankly, sir, I think you’re a pompous old duffer who couldn’t putt his way out of a paper bag."

"Are you finished now?" Mr. Lyons asks. "Yeah, I think that about covers it," Larry nods, "Now what did you want to say?" "I wanted to apologize to you," Mr. Lyons answers. Larry waits a moment, then turns to Balki and Jennifer and asks, "You couldn’t try to stop me?" "Cousin, wild turkeys couldn’t stop you," Balki points out. "Larry, I deserved all that," Mr. Lyons admits, "Somewhere along the line I seem to have lost sight of the fact that golf is supposed to be fun. Sorry I acted like a pompous old duffer." "Well, golf does strange things to people," Larry smiles. "It certainly does to me," Mr. Lyons admits, "Look . . . next time . . . let’s play for real." "All right, I’d like that," Larry agrees, shaking Mr. Lyons’ hand. "It was nice meeting you, Balki," Mr. Lyons says, crossing to Balki and shaking his hand, "You really know your way around a golf course." "Well, thank you very much," Balki replies, "but it’s really not that difficult. All the holes are numbered." Mr. Lyons laughs, saying, "I’ll have to look for that next time. Well, goodbye everybody. See you upstairs, Jen." "Goodbye, sir," Larry says. Mr. Lyons leaves.

Jennifer walks to Larry and says, "Oh, I’m proud of you, Larry! It was wonderful the way you stood up to my father." She steps closer and kisses him on the lips. Balki puts a hand up to divert his eyes from them and steps away. Larry looks at Jennifer and after a beat says, "I could call your mother and give her a piece of my mind." "That’s okay, Larry," Jennifer says, "Well, I’ll um . . . see you tomorrow." "Bye bye," Larry says. "Bye, Balki," Jennifer adds, walking to the door and leaving. "Bye," Balki replies, then he walks to Larry. "Cousin, you did the right thing." "Well, thanks, Balki," Larry smiles, "I finally realized that honesty is the best policy." "Well, then maybe a little bit of me is rubbing off on you," Balki says humbly. "You know, this truth stuff works like gangbusters," Larry states, "I mean women really go for it!" Balki smiles until he thinks about what Larry has said. He gives Larry a look of concern as Larry looks satisfied and the episode ends.

Script Variations:
There were some interesting differences in the first draft script dated October 9, 1989:
- After Larry and Balki run into the apartment, Larry says, "All right, Balki. I'll get the ice. You get the bowl. Hurry." "Cousin, calm down," Balki urges, "You're acting like a chicken with your hair cut off." After going through the same dialogue about slamming Mr. Lyons' hand in the car door, setting his tie on fire and throwing red wine on him, Balki adds, "Though it did stain rather badly." Then Larry says he knew he should have ordered white wine. "Cousin, this always happens when you try too hard to impress somebody," Balki points out. "This isn't just 'somebody.' It's Jennifer's father. I really wanted to make a good impression." "You know, on Mypos it's a lot easier to impress a girl's father," Balki says, "You simply go out in the swamp, find some high quality leeches and before you know it he's eating out of your hand." "Mr. Lyons doesn't look like the leech type to me," Larry states.
- Jennifer and Mary Anne enter with Mr. Lyons. "Dad's hand seems to be okay," Jennifer reports, "I don't think anything's broken." Larry apologizes and grabs Mr. Lyons' hand, causing him pain, to which Larry apologizes again and Mr. Lyons says the line that accidents do happen, just usually not with this frequency. "Hey, I think it's time we all had some of the special dessert I made," Balki interrupts, "It's called (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN)." Jennifer worriedly asks, "What's that?" "I'm learning Myposian, let me try," Mary Anne offers, "It's either chocolate fudge cake or dirty socks and cheese sauce. Gee, I hope it's the chocolate cake." "Very good, Mary Anne," Balki says, "But actually (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN) is stewed prunes and Lucky Charms." "None for me, thanks," Mr. Lyons says, "I'm already wearing enough food." He then tells Jennifer he wants to get up early and play a little golf. Larry says he plays golf and Balki skeptically asks, "You play golf?" "My Jen-Jen and I make quite a team," Mr. Lyons explains. "I'm willing to take my chances," Larry assures him, "Why don't we put together a foursome?" "You play golf?" Balki repeats. "Great. How about Saturday?" Jennifer asks. "Saturday will be fine," Larry says to Mr. Lyons. Mr. Lyons says it's settled and wants to go, saying it's been a strenuous evening. They leave and Balki turns back to Larry with a scolding look. "Liar, liar, pants on fire," Balki says. "What are you talking about?" Larry asks. "I know you want to impress Jennifer's father but telling him you can play golf . . . This could go on your greatest fib's album. Which will soon be a two record set." "Balki, I'm not lying," Larry insists, "I really can play golf." Larry goes to his room. "Sure. Just like you could ski, just like you could skate, just like you could fix a shower . . . need I go on?" Larry returns with a bag of golf clubs. "Look. These are mine." "Cousin, it's no use trying to convince me with a bag of fireplace tools," Balki scoffs. "These are not fireplace tools," Larry says, "They're my golf clubs." "Oh . . . I want to believe you, Cousin. My heart says 'yes' but my head says, 'What, are you nuts?'" "Look at this," Larry points out, "My name's on the bag, my name's on the clubs. My name's on the balls. My name's even on the tees. You know me. Would I spend this kind of money if I didn't know how to play golf?" "Cousin, you can play golf," Balki realizes.
- In the apartment the next day Larry is setting up the Swing Doctor. Balki enters carrying a bag of groceries. "Well, Balki, here it is. What do you think?" Larry asks. Balki puts the bag down and crosses to Larry. "Wow. It's great . . . I love it." (BEAT) "What is it?" "It's called The Swing Doctor," Larry explains, "I want to brush up on my game before I play Mr. Lyons tomorrow. Watch." Larry takes a swing. "Two hundred and eighteen yard straight down the fairway," the Swing Doctor states, "Excellent shot." Larry is pleased with himself. Balki is looking around and asks, "Who said that?" "That was the Swing Doctor," Larry answers, "You see, the computer analyzes your swing and tells you how far and in what direction you hit the ball." "Cousin, I want to play with the Doctor of Swing," Balki says, "Although I always thought that was Benny Goodman." "Balki, I really want to brush up on my game," Larry says. "I want to play with the Doctor of Swing," Balki repeats. "Balki, I really want to impress Jennifer's father." "I want to play," Balki pouts. "You're not going to let this go, are you?" Larry asks. "Not anytime soon," Balki confirms. "Alright, take a swing," Larry says. Balki says the club is lighter than what they have on Mypos and Larry asks, "You have golf on Mypos?" "Well, we have (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN)," Balki answers, "It's played with fence posts and jagged rocks. It's a lot of fun once you get used to the splinters." Balki grips the club and is about to swing. "Ah . . . Balki, it you're going to do this you may as well do it right. Okay . . . now, (ADJUSTING BALKI'S BODY) feet square, shoulders aligned, elbow locked, steady head, knees bent, back straight, okay, now relax and let the club do the work." Balki has ended up in a very awkward position. He takes an awkward swing. The Swing Doctor reports "Nine yards to the left. You could throw it further. Give up golf." Balki is a little insulted by this remark. "Cousin, your Swing Doctor could brush up on his bedside manner." "Balki, don't be offended. It takes years and years to learn to play golf." Balki says he'll do better on Saturday and then reminds Larry that they're playing golf. Larry tells Balki he didn't plan on asking him along. "But why not?" Balki asks, "I'm your best friend." "This has nothing to do with friendship," Larry says, "This is golf. What I really need is a partner who can . . . golf." Balki says in a hurt tone, "Cousin, I understand. I'm going to write a letter to Mama and ask her to send my fence posts and jagged rocks. If Mr. Lyons ever wants to play (MYPOSIAN) you will call me?" "You'll be the first," Larry promises. Balki reminds Larry that you need twenty-eight players on each team then exits. Jennifer knocks on the door and Larry lets her in. To show Jennifer that he really does know how to golf, Larry takes another swing on the Swing Doctor, which reports, "Two hundred and fifty yards straight down the middle. You're an excellent golfer." After Jennifer explains that her father is a bad loser and that beating him would be worse than the night before, Larry says, "But I'm good at golf. I really love the game. Are you sure your father wouldn't appreciate playing with a really good player?" "He'd hate it, and he'd hate you," Jennifer answers. Larry says it's simple then, that he won't beat him. "If all it takes to make your Dad happy is to win a golf game . . . then he's going to win a golf game. But I really am good." "I know how hard this is for you. But it will make my dad and me very happy," Jennifer assures him with a kiss, then adds, "I wish we could find a weak fourth to play with us tomorrow. Do you know anyone?" Balki enters and crosses to the kitchen, saying hi. Larry says he thinks he can come up with someone.
- The next day at the first tee, Jennifer and Mr. Lyons pull up in a golf cart and stop. Balki and Larry follow in a second golf cart with Balki driving. Balki rams into the back of Mr. Lyons' cart. "Sorry, sir," Larry offers, "Balki's never driven a golf cart before . . . and never will again." "That's alright," Mr. Lyons assures him, "It takes a lot to ruin my day when I'm on the golf course." "Well, nothing's going to ruin it today," Larry says, "I can pretty much guarantee it." Balki comments about the pasture and says, "It must be very difficult to get the sheep to eat the grass so evenly." "That's a good one, Balki," Mr. Lyons chuckles, "I'll have to tell that to the boys at the club back home." "I got a million of 'em," Balki promises, "Don't get me started." "Well, so far so good," Jennifer notes. Mr. Lyons goes over to tee up. "Don't worry, Jennifer," Larry says, "By the time we leave the eighteenth hole your dad's going to want to adopt me." Balki is at the ball washer. "Cousin, what's this?" "That's the ball washer, Balki," Larry explains. "Great," Balki says, "Now we can get rid of all these unsightly dimples." Balki begins washing the ball. Mr. Lyons approaches. "Say, Larry, how about a friendly little wager just to keep things interesting? Say, twenty bucks? Us two Lyons again you two, ah . . . " "Christians," Balki finishes. Balki laughs at his own joke. "Great idea," Larry agrees. They shake hands. "Jen, why don't you tee off first?" Mr. Lyons suggests. Jennifer tees off first. All heads look upward to follow the even arc of her ball. "Nice shot, Jen," Mr. Lyons smiles, "I think we're going to give these boys a run for their money." Larry goes next, deliberately hitting a bad shot. All heads follow the bouncy course of Larry's ball. Feigning disgust with himself, Larry sighs, "That darn hook of mine. I thought I got rid of it." "Don't worry, Son," Mr. Lyons offers, "I can teach you how to correct that." "I'd sure appreciate it," Larry says. Larry and Jennifer exchange a secret thumbs up as Mr. Lyons steps up to the tee and takes his shot. All heads follow the bouncing movement of Mr. Lyons' ball. Mr. Lyons grumbles about the tee being too low and Larry tells Balki he's up. Balki steps up to the tee. "I've been practicing, Cousin. I hope I don't embarrass you." "It's okay, Balki," Larry assures him, "Just try your best. That's all anyone can ask." Balki swings. All heads go way up, following his perfect shot. Mr. Lyons gives a long whistle. Larry's face drops. Jennifer quickly pulls him aside. "Larry, what was that?" she asks. "Off hand, I'd say two hundred and sixty yards straight down the middle," Larry answers in shock. "We're in trouble," Jennifer realizes. Mr. Lyons asks Balki what his handicap is and Balki replies, "Mostly the accent, but people get past it."
- At the fourth fairway, Larry and Jennifer enter. "Larry, this is terrible. You're beating my father and me by four strokes." "Well, I'm doing my part," Larry says, "I'm trying. I hit my last tee shot in the parking lot." "First you don't lie about being a good player. Then you do lie about Balki being a bad player. It's getting so I can't depend on you for anything," Jennifer complains. "He is a bad player . . . at least he was," Larry insists, "It's only the fourth hole. He can't keep this up much longer." Mr. Lyons and Balki enter. "You're having quite a day for yourself, Balki. Do you always shoot this well?" "I don't know," Balki says, "This is my first time." "He's right," Larry jumps in, "It's purely beginner's luck, Sir, I swear. And by the way, nice wood cozies." Larry drags Balki aside and says, "Balki, the other day the Swing Doctor gave you your last rites. Today you're hitting the ball a mile. What happened?" "Well, you know Cousin, I got to thinking about how important this golf game was to you and how nice you were to let me play in spite of what the Swing Doctor said. So yesterday I went to the driving range and hit fifty buckets of balls. At about the sixth ball in the forty-ninth bucket something clicked and I pretended my golf club was a fence post, only thinner and lighter, with greater aerodynamic efficiency. After that, I realized golf is just like (MYPOSIAN GAME) without your twenty-seven teammates trying to catch the ball." Mr. Lyons is lining up his shot. "Want to hold it down, guys?" he asks, "I'm trying to concentrate." He swings and misses. "Excellent practice swing, Sir," Larry offers, "Really nice." "I'm ready now," Mr. Lyons says, "Although I may decide at the last minute to take another practice swing." Mr. Lyons swings and hits the ball this time. They all watch the flight of the ball. Then Balki says, "Way to go, Mr. Lyons! Hope you brought your sunscreen. You're on the beach." "That's a sandtrap," Larry explains, "It's not a good thing." "Let's go, Jennifer," Mr. Lyons says, irate. Mr. Lyons stalks off. "Do something," Jennifer urges Larry, then follows her father. Balki starts to follow them but Larry stops him. "Balki, you're beating Mr. Lyons." "That just shows you what the Swing Doctor knows. Pretty good, huh?" Larry convinces Balki that it's against the rules to beat the guest. "Cousin, I'm sorry. I hope I haven't ruined it for you." "It's not too late," Larry says, "This is only the fourth hole. We've got plenty of time to make Mr. Lyons feel really welcome. Go ahead, take your shot and do your worst." Balki swings. They watch the flight of the ball. "Aw . . . Balki," Larry sighs in disgust, "you're on the green." "Sorry, Cousin. I guess my worst isn't good enough."
- Later, at the tenth fairway, Balki and Larry enter. Balki spots his ball and rushes to it. "Cousin. Cousin . . . I found my ball. It's right next to yours. Isn't that great?" "No, no, it's not great," Larry says with frustration, "It took me five shots to get here and it only took you one. Do you know what that means?" "I'm still winning?" Balki asks. "Yes. And we only have eight more holes to go. You know, Balki, this is bordering on cheating." "I'm sorry I can't help myself," Balki says, "No matter how badly I play, Mr. Lyons is worse." "No one said golf was easy," Larry notes, "You're just going to have to try harder." A golf ball bounces on to the set. Jennifer crosses in. "It's over here, Dad," she calls off stage, then to Larry, "Larry, you two are still beating us by ten strokes. My father's furious." "Don't worry. I have a plan," Larry promises. Mr. Lyons trudges over with his clubs. He's not happy. "A beautiful shot, Mr. Lyons," Larry offers. "Don't patronize me," Mr. Lyons growls, then to Jennifer, "Whatever happened to that nice Tommy Enright you used to date? I could beat the socks off him." "Shhh, Dad, Balki's about to hit," Jennifer points out. As Balki goes into his swing, Larry starts to whistle in an effort to distract him. Balki stops in mid-swing. Everyone looks at Larry. "Cousin, excuse me, but I believe you were whistling," Balki notes. "Me . . . ? Was I whistling . . . ? Sorry," Larry offers in mock surprise. Balki goes into another swing. Larry sneezes. Balki holds for a beat at the top of his swing, then says, "Gesundheit, Cousin." Balki follows through with his swing and hits the ball. All eyes follow the flight of the ball. "It's going out of bounds!" Larry says with excitement. "It hit a tree . . . " Jennifer adds, equally delighted. All eyes follow the ball as it returns. "It's bouncing towards the green . . . " Larry realizes in horror. "It's in the hole," Mr. Lyons states in disbelief. "I am so sorry," Balki offers. "Give me the club. Come on, give me the club," Larry insists. He grabs the club from Balki and throws it.
- On the eighteenth green, Balki is missing putts on purpose and counting each stroke. "Balki, don't overdo it," Larry warns. "Cousin, I have to make up for that silly hole in one," Balki explains. He finally sinks his putt. Larry tells Mr. Lyons that he and Balki fell apart on the back nine. "I think 'choke' is the word, Larry," Mr. Lyons explains. "It looks like we're about to lose, Cousin," Balki says, "Mr. Lyons' ball is right next to the hole and yours is way over there. It usually takes you five taps to even get close to the hole." Mr. Lyons steps up to the ball and sinks his putt. "Great shot, Dad," Jennifer smiles. "Yes! Great shot, Dad . . . I mean, Mr. Lyons," Larry adds. "Cousin, I'm going to go congratulate Mr. Lyons, and apologize for not letting him win more easily," Balki says. "No, no. Don't do that," Larry stops him, "The proper rules of golf dictate that we continue to let him think he won. Otherwise we might as well have beaten him in the first place. And we wouldn't want that, would we?" "But, Cousin, he's our guest. Doesn't he know we let him win?" "Yes, but he pretends he doesn't," Larry explains. "Cousin, this is a very strange game," Balki notes. Jennifer crosses over to Larry. "Larry, I want to thank you for what you're doing. I know losing on purpose isn't easy." "It's a small price to pay to get your father to like me," Larry smiles. Larry starts for the ball to make his shot. Balki pulls him aside and says he wants a private word with him. "Not now, I have a putt to miss," Larry says. Balki takes him aside anyway. "Cousin, I don't think letting Mr. Lyons win has anything to do with rules. I think you are letting him win so he'll like you." "That's right, and after I miss this next putt he'll love me," Larry admits, "Now out of my way." Balki points out Mr. Lyons won't be loving the real Larry and notes how it won't just end with golf. Larry doesn't care. "Come on, Larry," Mr. Lyons urges, "It's time to face the music." Larry starts toward his ball but Balki stops him and says, "Cousin, this reminds me of something that once happened on Mypos." "Balki, everything reminds you of something that once happened on Mypos," Larry says. "Well, it's an island rich in symbolism," Balki agrees, and then tells the story of Devo the Butcher. In this version his uncle is named Stingi, not Thriftos. "I suppose it's useless to point out this is different and I'm not Stingi," Larry tries. Balki finishes his story and Larry sinks the putt. "Larry . . . you won?" Jennifer asks with surprise. "I had to," Larry explains. "I should have left town when he set my tie on fire," Mr. Lyons says.
- The last scene starts with Balki reading on the sofa. The script indicates he's to be reading a book called "The Inner Game of Golf." Jennifer and Mr. Lyons knock and come in. "Balki, is Larry home?" Jennifer asks. "I want to settle our golf bet," Mr. Lyons explains. "Sorry, Cousin Larry is out," Balki explains. "Well, that's typical," Mr. Lyons complains, "The hustler has his ringer collect his money." Mr. Lyons takes out a twenty dollar bill and puts it on the coffee table. "Dad . . . " Jennifer sighs. "Mr. Lyons, I'm not a ringer, whatever that is, and Cousin Larry is not a hustler, whatever that is. He wanted to let you win. But he changed his mind." "That's ridiculous," Mr. Lyons says. "No it isn't," Balki argues, "The Swing Doctor can't say enough about him, and he could have beaten you by ten strokes with his eyes tied behind his back." "What's he talking about?" Mr. Lyons asks Jennifer. "It's true, Dad," Jennifer confesses, "I asked Larry to let you win. You have such a terrible temper, everyone lets you win. Including every guy I've ever dated." "Except Cousin Larry," Balki points out, "He was brave enough to beat you." "Well, I don't know what to say," Mr. Lyons sighs, "I feel like a fool. I wish Larry were here. I'd apologize to him." He then asks Jennifer, "Aunt Miriam lets me win?" Jennifer nods. Just then Larry enters. Mr. Lyons says he has something to say to Larry and Larry says he has something to say to Mr. Lyons. Balki and Jennifer try to stop Larry to no avail. "Mr. Lyons, I was going to let you win at golf because I like your daughter. It's safe to say I really like your daughter." "Thank you, Larry," Jennifer says, touched. "And because of that, sir, I wanted you to like me. But I realized that what you think of my shouldn't be so important. The important thing is what Jennifer thinks of me, and what I think of me." "Okay, that about wraps it up," Balki tries to interrupt. "Balki, I'm not through," Larry insists. "Oh, you're close," Balki says worriedly. Larry calls Mr. Lyons a pompous old duffer and then Mr. Lyons says he was going to apologize. Larry shoots a look at Balki and Jennifer. Mr. Lyons says he's sorry if he acted like a pompous old duffer. "Hey, where did you get that idea?" Larry asks, "It's just a game. Let's not make a big deal about it." "Well, I hope to see you again, Larry. You're a fine young man," Mr. Lyons offers, then he tells Balki he really knows his way around a golf course and Balki explains about the holes being numbered. Mr. Lyons says he'll look for that next time and leaves. Jennifer says she's proud of Larry and kisses him and Larry says he could call her mother and give her a piece of his mind. Jennifer says "That's okay, Larry. I'll see you tomorrow," and leaves. "I'm proud of you too, Cousin," Balki offers. "He called me 'a fine young man.' I called him a pompous old duffer," Larry sighs. "The important thing is you were honest," Balki notes. "Balki, from now on we have to have a signal you give me when I'm making a fool out of myself in front of Jennifer," Larry says. "Cousin, I've been trying to give you that signal for years," Balki sighs.

The shooting draft dated October 18, 1989 also contains some variations plus a few things that were filmed but cut:
- The episode begins the same. After Larry dumps the ice into the bowl, Balki tells how on Mypos it's easier to impress a girl's father because you just have to go out in the swamp and find some high quality leeches, as in the first draft script.
- After Balki explains that Stuki-mookie-ping-pong is stewed prunes and Lucky Charms, he explains, "At home I use lamb lips, but, when in Rome . . . " "Ooh, lamb lips and Lucky Charms," Mary Anne says, "Sounds good to me." After Larry suggests they put together a foursome to play golf, Balki says, "Cousin, I've never seen you play golf." "I don't know, Larry," Mr. Lyons says, "You and a golf club sounds dangerous." "I know I deserve that," Larry agrees, "This evening hasn't gone well. But give me another chance. How about Saturday?" "Larry, you play golf?" Jennifer asks. "Why not?" Mr. Lyons agrees, "My insurance is paid up." Balki again asks Larry, "You sure you play golf?"
- After Mr. Lyons, Jennifer and Mary Anne exit, Balki turns to Larry and says, "Liar, liar, pants on fire." "What are you talking about?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I know you want to impress Jennifer's father but telling him you can play golf . . . Oh, what a tangled Jack Webb we weave . . . This could go on your greatest fibs album. Which will soon be a two record set." "Balki, I'm not lying. I really can play golf," Larry insists, going to his bedroom. Balki says the same line from the first draft script about wanting to believe Larry and his heart saying "yes" but his head saying, "What, are you nuts?" Larry returns with a bag of golf clubs. "Look, I've had these clubs for ten years." "You've been planning this lie for ten years?" Balki asks in shock, "A decade of deception." Balki exits to his room.
- In the second scene when Balki enters and looks at the Swing Doctor he says, "It's wonderful. I love it. I always wanted one of these things." (BEAT) "What is it?" Balki doesn't act surprised when the Swing Doctor can talk, he's just surprised Larry is a good golfer.
- In this version of the script, the Myposian game is called Bong-Bong-Tac-Inolci-Waka-Yahoo. Balki still makes the comment that the game is a lot of fun once you get used to the splinters.
- After the Swing Doctor tells Balki he could throw the ball further, Balki says, "Boy, the Swing Doctor has an attitude problem." He then says he'll do better on Saturday. Balki still points out that he's Larry's best friend and Larry says it has nothing to do with friendship, as in the first draft.
- The line where Larry asks Jennifer if she's sure her father wouldn't appreciate playing with a really good golfer and Jennifer assuring Larry that he'd hate it "and he'd hate you" are still in this script. The rest of the scene is pretty much the same.
- At the beginning of the first tee scene, Jennifer and Mr. Lyons enter. "Jen-Jen, I love the smell of a fairway in the morning," Mr. Lyon says, "It smells like victory." "I guess it does," Jennifer replies, humoring him. Balki and Larry enter and Balki dumps all the clubs out of his bag. "Balki, you don't have to dump out all of the clubs just to pick one," Larry says. "I know, Cousin, but that's the only way I can get my ball out of the bag," Balki explains.
- Larry's first bad shot is described as bouncy instead of going straight up in the air. At the end of the scene, after Mr. Lyons asks Balki what his handicap is, Balki answers, "Mostly the accent, but occasionally people take issue with my clothing."
- At the beginning of Act Two, Larry and Jennifer enter what is the fifth tee set. There is a bench off to one side. Jennifer complains that Larry and Balki are four strokes ahead and Larry points out he's doing his part, hitting his last tee shot into the parking lot. Jennifer complains that first Larry didn't lie about being a good player but has lied about Balki being a bad player and says she can't depend on him for anything, just like in the first draft script. Balki enters and says, "Jennifer, your father just got a birdie." "No, he didn't," Larry argues, "He shot an eleven on the last hole." "I know that, Cousin. But after that he threw his putter into a tree and got a birdie." "I better go see what's going on," Jennifer says, walking away.
- After Balki explains that he's terrific at Bong-Bong-Tac-Inolci-Waka-Yahoo, he explains, "In fact I won the Mypos Masters six times in a row. So I decided to go with what won me the green vest. Cousin, I'm so glad you invited me. I'm having a great time." "Well, no one else is," Larry says. "They're not? Why not?" Balki asks. Larry points out that Balki is beating Mr. Lyons and convinces him he's cheating. The rest of the scene is the same until Balki promises to do his best to do his worst. Then Mr. Lyons approaches them with Jennifer. "Alright, I'll make another contribution to the Audubon Society," Mr. Lyons promises Jennifer, then to Larry asks, "Are we ready to play?" "Balki is ready to hit, aren't you, buddy?" Larry asks. "Don't worry, Cousin, I'll follow your instructions to the tee." Balki laughs at his own joke and exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?" Balki goes into his swing. All eyes follow the flight of the ball, which goes out of bounds, hits a tree and bounces toward the green, ending up as a hole in one, just as in the first draft.
- The next scene starts the same. After Mr. Lyons assures Larry that better players than him have choked when he puts the pressure on, he adds, "Why don't you come up to the house some time?" "I'll be looking forward to it," Larry says. "We can work on the slice of yours." "Swell," Larry replies. Proudly, Balki notes, "Mr. Lyons' ball is right next to the hole and yours is way over there. Boy, Cousin, no one can accuse us of cheating." After Mr. Lyons sinks the shot and Larry comments that he could play better when he was six, Jennifer says, "Guys, I really appreciate you losing on purpose." "Don't mention it," Balki says. "Don't worry, I won't," Jennifer assures him, "If Dad ever found out he would be very upset. I really appreciate your losing on purpose even though you had to cheat to do it." Larry motions for Jennifer to be quiet, then says it's his shot. In this script version, Balki doesn't mention the "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens." And after Larry says "Big deal," Mr. Lyons says, "Come on, Larry. It's all riding on this putt. Lucky for me you're hitting it." After Balki says this reminds him of something that once happened on Mypos, Larry says, "Balki, everything reminds you of something that happened on Mypos," to which Balki replies, "Well, it's an island rich in illustrative anecdotes." Then Balki tells the story of Devo the butcher and his Uncle Thriftos. Right before Larry takes the final putt, Mr. Lyons says, "Go ahead, Larry. If you choke I know the Heimlich maneuver." The rest of the scene is the same.
- At the start of the last scene, Balki is supposed to be reading a book entitled "Golf is for Swingers." After Mr. Lyons says he wants to apologize, Balki doesn't hug him and say he accepts. After Jennifer explains that she confessed to her dad that she asked Larry to lose, she adds, "But Larry had more backbone than any of the other guys I ever dated." Larry says he really like Jennifer, to which Jennifer says "Thank you, Larry," in a touched manner. Balki tries to interrupt by offering coffee. Then after Larry says what matters is what Jennifer thinks of him and what he thinks of himself, Balki again interrupts by saying, "I think that's beautiful. Regular or decaf?" "Balki, I'm not through," Larry insists. "Well, you're close," Balki warns. The rest of the scene is the same until the very end. After Larry says, "This truth stuff works like gang busters. Women really eat it up." Balki says, "Then again, perhaps my work here is not yet complete."

At the end of the shooting script are the four self esteem PSA's (One to One spots) that were included at the end of the Poetry in Motion script, except that now they are almost exactly word-for-word what was used in the final spots. It's possible these spots were filmed the week this episode was filmed.

Continue on to the next episode . . .