Nielsen Rating: 12.7 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 79 - Father Knows Best??? - Part One
First Air Date: November 10, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.7 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guest Cast:
James Noble: Mr. Walter Appleton
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode
Balki-isms:
"I’ve been looking forward to
seeing you for a sheepdog’s age!"
"I thought the bat boy was Batman’s
son."
"Well, then Euriki!"
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"I beg to take issue . . . "
"Will you stop it?"
"Oh God."
"Oh po po po . . . "
"That is correct."
"Well . . . "
"Yes! Yes!!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry asks how many times Balki has done
something in his lifetime and Balki hems until Larry gets him to admit
"None," then responds with "None, as in zero, as in never ever
have you . . . " to which Balki admits "That is correct." This is
done later in the same episode by Larry’s dad to Balki as well, so we know now
where Larry got this from!
Larry says that Wisconsin is the
"something" state to suit his needs, in this case the Cheese Wheel
State
Balki tries to warn Larry about something
but Larry refuses to listen
Balki rants in Myposian to vent his
frustration
Notable Moment: We meet Larry’s father, Walter Appleton
Songs: "Singing in the Rain" - sung by Balki while dancing around in the flooded basement
Interesting facts:
- The title is based on the longtime,
classic radio and television series, Father Knows Best, which starred
Robert Young. The series ran on radio from 1949 to 1954 and the television
series ran from 1954 to 1960, and then enjoyed great success in syndication for
many years afterward.
- At the beginning of the episode, Larry
is adjusting two trophies on the fireplace mantel. One is the trophy he won
managing the Ritz Discount Royals softball team back in the season two episode The
Unnatural, and the other is the trophy he won with his bowling league team,
Strike Force, in the fourth season episode Blind Alley. (Note: while the
other trophy on the mantel appears to be a bowling trophy, it is much smaller
than the trophy seen in that episode.)
- Larry mimes showing his father his
newspaper article scrapbook. The scrapbooking was started back when he put his
very first article in it at the end of the third season opener All the News
That Fits, when Balki and Larry first got their jobs at the Chicago
Chronicle and Larry has his first article published.
- Actor James Noble is hilarious in his
role as Larry’s father in this two part appearance. Television fans would
likely best remember him as Governor Gatling in the popular Soap
spin-off, Benson. He also made notable appearances in the movies 1776,
10 and Being There. He co-produced and starred in the short film, Glacier
Bay in 2006.
- Balki makes a rare reference to his
father in this episode, calling him "father" and not "Papa."
Balki’s references to his father would become fewer and farther between over
the years until he was not mentioned at all.
- Jennifer mentions that her father would
take her to the golf course (among other places) when she was little. In fact
her father would appear in the episode following this two-parter, Hello, Ball,
in which playing golf with Jennifer’s dad was the main theme.
- Balki’s jumping into Larry and his
father’s argument with "Tastes great! Less filling!" was a reference
to the very popular Miller Lite beer commercials which began in the late 1970's
and are still very much part of the television reference lexicon.
- This is the second time Larry managed to
break something while swinging a baseball bat indoors. In the second season
episode, The Unnatural, Larry broke the orange lamp in the living room
(the lamp somehow reappeared in later episodes).
- This episode also includes what has to
be one of the funniest bits of Myposian complaining ever! After Larry breaks the
pipe and Mr. Appleton says it doesn’t look like it will be hard to fix, Balki
undoubtedly has bad flashbacks of the last time he tried to do plumbing with
Larry in the third season episode Pipe Dreams. Ranting to himself in
Myposian, Balki cries, "Appletoniki plumbing . . . oxymoroniki!"
An
oxymoron is a phrase or expression which combines two words which appear to be
contradictory, such as "jumbo shrimp" or "deafening
silence." Truly, Appleton plumbing would be an oxymoron!
- Also from the aforementioned episode, Pipe
Dreams, Larry used a hammer and noted that in the Appleton household the
hammer was considered a plumber’s helper. This is confirmed when Larry’s
father quizzes Larry on the best way of removing rust from a pipe . . . knocking
it off with a hammer.
- Balki’s musical number is a tribute to
the classic Gene Kelly dance number Singing in the Rain from the 1952 film of
the same name. Bronson copies Kelly’s steps quite faithfully as he dances
around Larry, using him as his "lamp post."
- Jennifer comments that the drain in the
basement was sealed over when Mr. Winslow spilled a load of cement down there.
If you’ll recall, Harriette and Carl Winslow moved into the cousin’s
apartment building during season four (before being spun off on a series of
their own, Family Matters). Sounds like Carl was having some messy
difficulties on his own before Urkel ever even
showed up!
- The basement set was built entirely
within a huge water tank on the MGM Studio lot. The tank had been formerly used
to film Esther Williams’ aquatic dance routines in many classic MGM movies!
You can visit Esther Williams’ official website here.
- This is one of only six two part
episodes made during the series’ run. Seasons one and three was the only
seasons which didn’t include a two part episode.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- In the first episode, Balki mentions
that Larry’s father’s name was George, but in this episode his name is
Walter. As a matter of fact, Balki acts like he’s meeting Larry’s dad for
the first time, but in reality they met before Balki had met Larry! Balki
originally went to Madison, Wisconsin and it was Larry’s father who told Balki
to go to stay with his son, Larry, in Chicago. Oddly enough, in the first
draft of the script, John B. Collins did write Larry saying to his father,
"You remember Balki?" You can read more script variations below!
- When Larry’s dad offers to show the
girls how to fold napkins, Larry gets a cup and grabs the ladle, preparing to
pour himself some punch. When the shot cuts to another angle, though, Larry
already has the cup poured and is drinking from it.
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the apartment. Larry
is alone, placing a scrapbook on the coffee table with care. He then moves to
the fireplace mantel where he adjusts two trophies. He anxiously steps toward
the front door, surveying the room to make sure everything is right. He then
looks at the front door before stepping forward and rapping on it softly. He
mimes surprise, acting as if someone has knocked on the door, and reaches over
to open it. "Dad!" Larry exclaims, pretending his father has arrived,
"It’s good to see you!" He mimes someone hugging him and laughs,
"Oh, put me down! Uh, Dad, this is Balki." He motions as if Balki were
standing next to him. "And this is my apartment. Oh no, no . . . I didn’t
hire a decorator. I did this all myself." During the following, Balki
enters the apartment carrying a bag and is confused to see Larry talking to no
one. Balki keeps looking around to make sure he isn’t missing someone.
Larry
doesn’t see Balki has entered.
"Oh, this?" Larry asks,
motioning to the scrapbook on the table, "This is my scrapbook. Yeah, I
keep all my newspaper articles in 
here. This is volume one. Volume two is still
being bound. Hmm? Oh! Oh, yeah, the trophies." Larry moves to the mantel.
"Yeah, well, they’re really starting to stack up, aren’t they? Oh, this
one? Yeah, this is my pride and joy. I won this playing softball.
I took a
ragtag team of rank amateurs all the way to the Park District Softball
Championship." Balki has walked up behind Larry and says, gently,
"Cousin?" Larry is startled and almost drops the baseball trophy.
"I hate to interrupt your talk with your . . . invisible friend,"
Balki says, "but your Papa’s going to be here any minute." "Yeah, I was just practicing what I’m gonna say to him," Larry
explains with some embarrassment. "What a great idea!" Balki agrees,
"I help you." Balki sets the bag and his coat on the chair in front of
him. "What’s in the bag?" Larry asks.
"Oh, Cousin, I’ve got the biggest
cheese wheel I could find," Balki explains, taking a huge wheel of cheese
from the bag, "You 
should have seen the cheese car I took it off of!"
Balki laughs at his own joke and motions his "where do I come up with
them?" bit. "Well, that’s great," Larry says, "Dad loves a
good cheese wheel." "Cousin, you know what I thought I would do?"
Balki asks, closing the front door and taking the cheese wheel into the kitchen
where he lays it on the counter, "I thought I would take this cheese wheel
and cut it up into little geometric shapes. You know, circles, rectangles
. . . maybe a trapezoid or a rhombus." "Balki, cheese wheels are
always cut in triangular wedges," Larry notes. "Well, I beg to
take issue . . . " Balki argues. "Balki, how many cheese wheels have you cut in your
lifetime?" Larry asks. "Well, I, Cousin . . . " "How
many?" "I . . . eh . . . " "How many?"
"I . . .
don’t . . . " "How many cheese wheels? How many cheese wheels have
you cut in your lifetime?" "None," Balki admits. "None, as
in zero, as in never ever have you cut a cheese wheel in your lifetime?"
"This would have been my first," Balki admits sadly.
"Well, I am from Wisconsin, the
Cheese Wheel State, and we always cut cheese wheels in triangular wedges,"
Larry insists, his 
voice growing more manic as he continues, "Not circles,
not rectangles, not trapezoids and never . . . ever . . . ever . . . in a
rhombus!" Larry walks to the couch and sits down, looking stressed.
Balki
walks over to sit next to him. "Cousin? Cousin, this is very disturbing.
Usually geometric discussions have a calming affect on you." "I’m
just a little tense about my Dad’s visit," Larry admits, "I want
this visit to be perfect. This is my chance to show Dad I’ve made it on my
own. When he sees the life I’ve made for myself he’ll be so proud of me he’ll
say ‘Well done, son.’ When I was a kid I used to live for a ‘Well done,
son.’ I never got one. Except for the one time I asked Dad how he wanted his
steak." There is a knock at the front door. "Oh, that must be
Dad," Larry realizes, then lets out a little "Whew!" and gets up
to answer the door with Balki following him. Larry stops at the door in nervous
anticipation. "This is it!" he smiles.
Larry opens the door revealing a tall,
gray-haired gentleman carrying a bag. "Dad!" Larry smiles.
"Lawrence!" Larry’s father 
offers. Larry anticipates a hug but his
Dad only holds out his hand, which Larry shakes. "It is good to see you,
son," Mr. Appleton smiles. "Good to see you, too, Dad," Larry
says happily. "Well, this is for you," Mr. Appleton says, handing
Larry the bag, "A genuine Wisconsin cheese wheel. Don’t cut it into
triangular wedges, it dries out." "Right you are, Dad," Larry
agrees, then turns to Balki, "Uh, Dad? This is Balki." "Balki!"
Mr. Appleton smiles, offering his hand. "Uncle Walter!" Balki smiles,
stepping forward and hugging him instead, "I’ve been looking forward to
seeing you for a sheepdog’s age! And you’re everything I thought you would
be, only taller!" "Well, uh . . . height runs in the family," Mr.
Appleton explains, then eyes Larry when he returns from taking the cheese into
the kitchen and adds, "Usually." "Well, so Dad, what do you think
of my apartment?" Larry asks as Balki closes the front door and Mr.
Appleton looks around. "Well . . . hope you didn’t hire a
decorator!" Mr. Appleton comments. "Oh no, I didn’t hire a
decorator," Larry says as planned, "I did this all my . . .
myself." Larry eyes his father with a bit of a confused and hurt
expression.
Some time later the apartment is decorated
for a party. Jennifer and Mary Anne are there to help with the preparations.
Jennifer exits the kitchen with a tray of food. "Where do you want these
snacks, Larry?" she asks. "On the dining room table," Larry
answers. "Ah . . . finger food goes on the coffee table," Mr. Appleton
corrects. "Good point, Dad!" Larry smiles, "Finger food goes on
the coffee table, Jennifer." Jennifer carries the tray to the coffee table
where Mary Anne is folding napkins. Mr. Appleton exits the kitchen, saying,
"Ah! Excuse me, Lawrence," and approaches them. "Ladies, let me
show you the Appleton method of folding napkins," he offers, "I can
show you the three-fold star or the Appleton tulip. Neither of ‘em’s easy,
but they’re well worth the effort." Balki comes down from the step stool where
he’s hanging decorations on the bookcase and walks into the kitchen on the
opposite side of the punch bowl.
"Cousin," Balki begins, "I
bet your Papa will say it when he tastes your onion dip." "Say
what?" Larry asks. "Well done, son!" Balki whispers in answer.
"Well, Balki, I’m sure he’ll say it when I deserve it," Larry
says, "He doesn’t just throw around ‘well dones’ for the heck of
it." "You know, Cousin, I’ve noticed he is rather thrifty with his
with his ‘Well done, sons’, and so generous with his ‘Not that way,
Lawrences.’" Larry nods, explaining, "He’s just being helpful.
Dad’s
great that way. He spots what I’m doing wrong and shows me how to do it his
way." "Like . . . like the same way you help me!" Balki realizes.
"Exactly!" Larry confirms. They share a look of understanding.
"Come on, let’s go sit down," Larry suggests. They walk over to the
couch where Mr. Appleton has finished folding his sample napkin and sit down.
"You must be very proud of Larry, Mr. Appleton," Jennifer says,
"You know, the Chronicle doesn’t pick just anybody for its investigative
reporting team."
"Oh, I was very impressed with
that!" Mr. Appleton confirms. "You were?" Larry asks hopefully.
"Oh, you bet!" Mr. Appleton 
adds, "Of course, when it comes to
reporting, television’s the place to be." "Television, right,"
Larry says, bravely covering his disappointment, "Thanks for the advice,
Dad." "Well, I try," Mr. Appleton shrugs, "After all, what’s
a father for?" "You know, my father was for higher mutton
prices," Balki notes. "I just remember all the fun I had with my
father," Jennifer smiles, "He used to take me everywhere . . . to the
lake . . . to the golf course . . . to ball games . . . " "Oh, I did
the same thing with Lawrence," Mr. Appleton says, "Do you remember
that time the Yankees played the White Sox and we drove down to Chicago. I got
us box seats right behind the Yankee dugout." "How could I
forget?" Larry asks, "I still have the bat Mickey Mantle
autographed." "We had such fun that day," Mr. Appleton smiles,
then corrects, "It wasn’t Mickey Mantle, it was Roger Maris. Oh!
Remember
the time I took you to the circus in Milwaukee?" "Oh, I love the
circus!" Balki cries, "Show me fifty clowns in a flaming Volkswagen
and I’m a happy Mypiot!"
"No, Dad," Larry says, not
letting go of the dispute, "It was Mickey Mantle. And I can prove it.
I
have the bat right here in the 
closet." Larry sets down his cup of punch
and walks to the closet. Balki gets up and follows him. "Uh . . . Cousin,
Cousin . . . the bat’s in the basement." "No, Balki, the bat’s in
the closet," Larry insists. "The bat’s in the basement."
"The bat’s in the closet." "The bat’s in the basement,"
Balki argues softly. "The bat’s in the closet," Larry replies
softly, then he steps into the closet to search. There is the sound of rummaging
and finally Larry steps out and admits, "The bat’s in the basement."
Larry and Balki walk back to the couch. "Lawrence, it doesn’t matter who
signed the bat," Mr. Appleton insists, getting up and heading for the
kitchen, "Let’s get ready for the party." He turns back and adds,
"But it was Roger Maris." "Mickey Mantle," Larry repeats,
"Dad, you taught me that being right is important, and I’m right about
this." "All right, let’s go down to the basement and find out,"
Mr. Appleton suggests. "Good idea," Larry agrees, "If anybody
comes while we’re gone, just tell them we’ll be right back." They head
for the door. "Come on, Balki," Mr. Appleton suggests, "You seem
to be the only one who knows where this bat is."
The next scene sees Larry, Mr. Appleton
and Balki entering the basement of the apartment building and walking down the 
wooden steps. "Lawrence, I remember it distinctly," Mr. Appleton
argues, "Roger Maris was standing by the dugout. You didn’t even see him.
I had to tell you to have Roger Maris sign your bat." "Mickey
Mantle," Larry insists, unlocking a wired off storage area at the foot of
the stairs. "Roger Maris," Mr. Appleton insists. "Mickey
Mantle." "Roger Maris." "Mickey Mantle."
"Roger Maris." "Tastes great! Less filling! Tastes great!
Less filling!"
Balki chants, copying their cadence. They both look at Balki strangely.
"I
just got caught up in the rhythm," Balki explains. Larry gets the door open
and walks inside, announcing, "All right, here it is." "Roger
Maris, right?" Mr. Appleton says, certain he’s correct. Larry walks out
carrying a baseball bat and a baseball. He tosses the ball to Balki then reads
the inscription on the bat. "No . . . Joey Dolan."
"Who’s Joey Dolan?" Mr.
Appleton asks. "Look, he autographed the ball, too," Balki points out,
"‘Joey Dolan, bat boy.’" "You thought the bat boy was Roger
Maris?" Mr. Appleton asks Larry. "No, I thought the bat boy was Mickey
Mantle," Larry corrects. "I thought the bat boy was Batman’s
son," Balki admits. "It’s an easy mistake, son," Mr. Appleton
assures Larry, "Baseball never was your sport." "Oh, I don’t
know about that," Balki says, tossing the baseball to Larry and taking the
bat from him, "Cousin Larry knows an awful lot about baseball. He taught me
how to swing this old hickory stick so I could just knock that horsehide right
into the next county." Balki demonstrates his batting stance for them.
"You show a lot of natural ability, Balki," Mr. Appleton offers.
"Oh, thank you, Uncle Walter," Balki replies. "But whoever taught
you that stance didn’t know what he was doing," Mr. Appleton adds.
"I taught him that stance,"
Larry points out, "and you taught it to me." Larry walks over and
tosses Balki the ball and takes the bat again. "Here you . . . you crouch
like Stan Musial, squint like Ted Williams, stride like Mickey Mantle."
Larry swings the bat. "Swing like Grandma Moses," Mr. Appleton
remarks. "Well, you know, Dad, I’ve done pretty well with that
swing," Larry points out, "To prove it I’ve got that trophy on my
mantel." "Maris," Balki counters. "Mantel," Larry
insists. "Maris." "Mantel . . . will you stop it?" Larry
shouts. "Uh, no offense, son," Mr. Appleton begin, "but with that
swing I bet even I could throw the ball by you." "Well, there’s the
ball right there," Larry points out, "If you feel lucky, Dad, let’s
see what you can do." Mr. Appleton takes the ball from Balki with fire in
his eye and says, "You’re on." Balki excitedly takes a seat on an
old crate while Mr. Appleton and Larry get into their positions on opposite
sides of the basement.
"Oh, you know, Cousin Larry,"
Balki says, getting up from the crate, "I think . . . I just . . . "
"Balki, Balki, Balki," Larry stops him, "You can bat next."
"No, that’s not it . . . I just want . . . I want to tell you . . .
" "Balki?" "Let me just say something . . . Cousin!"
"Balki. Balki. Get out of the way. Get out of the way."
Balki starts
to step aside and then gives up completely, walking back to the crate. "Okay," Mr. Appleton says, "Here it comes.
Nothing fancy. Just
smoke." Balki tries once again, stepping between them. "Cousin, just
listen to me . . . " "Balki!" "Cousin, just let me say one
thing . . . " "Balki!" "Let me just tell you one
thing!" "Balki! Later!" Larry insists, then says, "Let ‘er
rip, Dad." Once again Balki gives up and walks to the wooden stairs.
Mr.
Appleton pitches the ball and Larry swings at it, missing the ball but hitting a
huge water pipe against the wall instead. The pipe cracks open and water starts
spilling out into the basement.
Balki and Mr. Appleton walk over to the
pipe. "What did you want to say, Balki?" Larry asks. "Well, I
wanted to say ‘Cousin Larry, 
you’re standing too close to the water pipe,’
but now that seems rather obvious." "Oh, I don’t think it’s very
serious," Mr. Appleton says, examining the pipe, "Just a simple repair
job." "Oh God," Balki sighs. "Well, we better go tell the
janitor anyway," Larry suggests. "Oh po po po . . . po po po,"
Balki sighs, then begins muttering in Myposian, "Appletoniki plumbing!
Appletoniki plumbing! Oxymoroniki!" Balki continues to complain in Myposian
as they make their way up the wooden stairs to the door. Balki tries to open the
door several times but it won’t budge. "Balki, open the door," Larry
says. "Cousin, I would love to," Balki assures him, "but there’s
one little difficulty. The door is locked. We can’t get out."
They look
at each other as we see the water continuing to gush from the pipe and the scene
fades to black.
Act two begins where act on left
off. Larry and Balki are pounding on the door and shouting for help.
Larry keeps
yelling "Help!" loud and long, directly into Balki’s ear, much to
Balki’s annoyance. "It’s no use," Larry sighs, "The door is
solid. No one can hear us." "Don’t worry, Lawrence," Mr.
Appleton hooks an arm around his son’s shoulders, "You’ve gotten us
into bigger jams than this one." "When we don’t come back, Jennifer
and Mary Anne will come down and let us out," Larry states, "So there’s
no harm done." "Well, you know, I think we can count on some water
damage," Balki notes. "No problem," Mr. Appleton assures them,
leading them back down the stairs, "All we have to do to stop the leak is
turn off the valve and, presto, no more leak." "Well, I’ll do it,
Dad," Larry offers, hurrying to the pipe. Larry takes hold of the wheel
valve and tries to turn it but it doesn’t move.
"It . . . it won’t turn, Dad,"
Larry reports. "Well, no wonder. It’s rusted," Mr. Appleton
observes, "And how do we get rid of rust, 
son?" "We knock it off
with a hammer!" Larry answers. "Right!" Mr. Appleton confirms.
"I’ll get one," Larry offers, hurrying to the storage area. "Uh, uh, Cousin!
Cousin," Balki says, following him, then he turns to
Larry’s father. "Uncle Walter?" "Yes?" "Hitting it
with a hammer?" Balki asks, "Doesn't that seem like a rather violent way
to deal with rust?" "Oh? You think so?" Mr. Appleton asks,
crossing his arms defiantly. "Yes, I do," Balki confirms. "Tell
me, Balki," Mr. Appleton begins, "How many leaks have you fixed in
your lifetime?" "Oh . . . " "How many?"
"Well . .
. " "How many?" "Well, well, I . . . "
"How many
leaks? How many leaks have you fixed in your lifetime?" "Um . . .
none," Balki admits. "None? As in zero? As in never ever have you
fixed a leak in your lifetime?"
Larry arrives with the hammer. "That
is correct," Balki admits, "You see, I’ve always worked with an
Appleton." "Let’s listen to Dad, Balki," Larry suggests,
"He taught me everything I know about plumbing." "That’s what
worries me," Balki says. Larry hands his dad the hammer and they step back
over to the pipe. "We’re in good hands," Larry assures Balki,
"Dad uses tools like a surgeon." Mr. Appleton taps at the valve
several times as Larry and Balki lean in to watch. Finally he hits the valve
hard with the hammer and the whole valve section breaks off, water shooting out
and hitting Larry and Balki in the face. Now the water is coming out faster than
ever. "Looks like the surgeon lost a patient," Balki notes, laughing
at his own joke.
Upstairs in the apartment, Jennifer and
Mary Anne are in the kitchen talking to Lydia and Mr. Gorpley, who are sitting
at the counter. Mary Anne is still trying to figure out how to fold the napkins.
" . . . and then, after Larry’s father separated the crackers by size,
shape and flavor, he counted the toothpicks, separating the round ones from the
flat ones," Jennifer finishes reporting, "Anyway, next he and Larry
got into some fight about a silly bat and they went down to the basement to find
it." "Where are they?" Mary Anne asks, "It shouldn’t take
this long to find a baseball bat." "You’ve got two compulsives and
an idiot down there," Mr. Gorpley points out, "For all we know they
could be tunneling to China." Gorpley and Lydia laugh at his joke.
"I
think I’ll go downstairs and see what’s taking them so long," Jennifer
decides. "Well, you don’t have to hurry on my account," Mr. Gorpley
assures her, eating some of the snacks. Jennifer heads for the door.
Back in the basement, Balki, Larry and Mr.
Appleton are ankle deep in water. "Now let’s analyze the problem,"
Mr. Appleton thinks aloud, "What is causing the flooding?" Balki
raises his hand. "Balki," Mr. Appleton calls on him. "My guess
would be . . . water," Balki offers. "Good, Balki! Good!" Mr.
Appleton praises, "All right, let’s think." Everyone gets a look of
intense thought on their faces. "All basements have drains," Mr.
Appleton states. "Right," Larry agrees. "But the water isn’t
running off," Mr. Appleton continues, "which means . . . a stopped up
drain." "Right!" Larry agrees, then turns to Balki and says,
"You are listening to the master." Balki is still looking deep in
thought and shushes Larry, saying, "I’m listening." "All we
have to do is find it, free it and, presto, no more flood! Lawrence, you look
over there. Uh, Balki, you look around in there and I’ll look over here."
They spread out around the basement and
feel down under the dirty water for the drain. Instead of looking, Balki starts
doing a Gene Kelly impersonation of ‘Singing in the Rain.’ "I’m
singing in the rain, just singing in the rain . . . " He splashes over to
Larry and then starts jumping up and down, singing, " . . . what a glorious
feeling . . . " then uses Larry as the "lamp post" for " . .
. I’m happy again." "Balki," Larry tries to stop him.
"The
clouds in the sky, so high up . . . " Balki keeps singing. "Balki.
Balki," Larry says seriously, "We can play later." "Well, I
. . . I . . . " "Later," Larry insists, "After we find the
drain." Balki looks like a scolded child, then when Larry turns his back
Balki mimes singing some more until Larry turns and looks at him and Balki
quickly stops.
They continue the search, each feeling the
floor beneath the murky water. Larry nears the crate by the wooden stairs and
there 
is a sudden loud snap. "Ow!" Larry cries, pulling his hand out
of the water to reveal his fingers have been caught in a rat trap, "Ow!
Ow! Ow! Get it off!" "Oh my goodness," Balki says.
"Get it
off!" Larry cries. "Does that hurt much?" Balki asks.
"Get
it off!" Larry screams. Balki pulls the trap off Larry’s fingers,
causing Larry to cry "Ow!" Balki and Larry’s father shake their
heads with concern. "Well," Larry sighs, "We know the drain’s
not over there." Balki offers Larry the rat trap and Larry snatches it away
from him. The door above them opens and Jennifer enters, asking, "Larry,
what’s taking so long?" She is about to close the door behind her when
Larry shouts, "Don’t let the door close!" "The door locks from
the outside," Mr. Appleton explains. Jennifer takes a fire extinguisher off
the wall in the hallway outside and uses it to hold the door open. "Let’s
get out of here," Larry says as they head for the stairs.
"Larry, what happened here?"
Jennifer asks, coming down the stairs to meet them. "Dad hit the valve with
a hammer," Larry 
explains. "Only after Lawrence hit the pipe with the
bat," Mr. Appleton counters. "You were playing some kind of
game?" Jennifer asks. "Yeah, baseball," Balki answers,
"Appleton style." They turn to walk up the stairs when the door opens
again and Mary Anne enters. "Wow, I didn’t know there was a pool down
here," she says, then, "This is a dangerous place for a fire
extinguisher." "No! No!" everyone cries, but Mary Anne pulls the
fire extinguisher though the door, which shuts. "Mary Anne, the fire
extinguisher was holding the door open," Larry explains, "Now we’re
locked in." "Well, gee, tell a person," Mary Anne sulks.
"It’s
all right," Jennifer says, "When we don’t come back, Lydia and Mr.
Gorpley will come down here and let us out." "In the meantime, let’s
get back to work," Mr. Appleton suggests, rolling up his sleeves as he and
Balki and Larry return to their search for the drain.
As Jennifer and Mary Anne stand on the
stairs and watch, the guys search with their hands beneath the water again.
"I think I found it!" Balki suddenly cries as Mr. Appleton hurries to
him, "Is it usually about a foot wide?" "Yes," Mr. Appleton
answers. "Does it have a grating on top?" Balki asks. "Yes!
Yes!!" Larry cries excitedly. "Well, then, Euriki!" Balki cries,
holding up a small grill. "Oh, there’s my hibachi!" Mary Anne
smiles. "Why are you guys looking for a hibachi?" Jennifer asks.
"We’re not," Larry explains, "We’re looking for the
drain." "Well, you can forget it, Larry," Jennifer says,
"The drain was sealed over when Mr. Winslow spilled a load of cement down
here." The door opens again and Lydia calls, "Balki? Larry?
Are you .
. . ? What in the world?" She enters the basement, staring in shock at the
water. Gorpley is behind her, holding the door open.
Everyone starts to shout at them to hold
the door open at the same time. "The door! The door!"
Larry shouts. "Hold it! Hold it!" 
Balki
cries. "Don't let it go!" Mr. Appleton urges. "Keep
it open!" Jennifer yells. "Get the fire extinguisher," Mary
Anne calls. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Mr. Gorpley
cries, stepping inside and holding his hands up to quiet everyone, letting the
door slam shut behind him, "If you’ve got something to say to me, say it
one at a time." "You just locked us all in," Balki explains.
"Okay," Mr. Gorpley realizes. Mary Anne, Jennifer and Balki all start
yelling at Mr. Gorpley at the same time. "All right, everybody!" Larry
yells, "Calm down! Hey, everybody? Everybody? Calm down.
Calm down. What’s
done is done." "Well, I don’t know if anyone’s noticed but this
water is rising awfully fast," Jennifer notes worriedly, "Larry, there
isn’t a chance we could drown, is there?" "Nobody’s going to
drown," Larry assures them as Balki hugs his arm, "When our other
guests start wondering where we are they’ll come down and let us out."
"That would be true, Appleton, if any
other guests had arrived," Mr. Gorpley states. "You invite people for
seven o’clock, you’d think they’d have the common decency to show up on
time." "Wait a minute," Lydia gasps, "This place is gonna
fill up with water. I don’t want to drown!" "Now hold it, hold
it," Mr. Appleton urges, starting up the stairs, "Lawrence is right.
Nobody’s gonna drown." "Thanks, Dad," Larry says. Mr. Appleton
stops in the middle of the staircase and puts his hand on a red, metal box
attached to the wall. "By the time the water reaches this fuse box . . . we’ll
all be electrocuted." Everyone looks shocked, except for Balki, who smiles,
obviously not understanding what’s happening. We see the water continue to
gush out of the pipe as the words "To Be Continued . . . " come on the
screen and the episode ends.
Script Variations:
Part One and Two
were both included in one large script, but still broken into two distinct
parts. We will break up the scripts into their respective halves for these
outlines. The
first draft script dated September 13, 1989 contained several differences:
- The
episode begins the same, with Larry alone and arranging his bowling and baseball
trophies on the mantle. Once done, he poses between them. "Yes,
Dad. This is home. To me and Balki and a few of my trophies,"
Larry says to his "dad" in practice, "Baseball.
Bowling. Someday maybe a Pulitzer." Larry rests his arm on the
mantlepiece. Balki enters carrying a bag. He is excited. Larry
quickly drops his posing. "Cousin, Cousin, is he here yet? Did
your father come?" Balki asks. "Balki, relax. It's not one
o'clock yet," Larry points out, "When Dad says he'll be here at one,
he'll be here at one. He's always on time." Balki pulls a
cheese wheel out of the bag. "Well, I hope he's hungry. I got
the biggest cheese wheel I could find. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a
cracker big enough to put it on." Larry says his dad loves a good
cheese wheel. "Now, I thought I'd cut it up in little geometric
shapes," Balki suggests, "Circles, squares, parallelograms and maybe a
trapezoid or two." Larry points out that cheese wheels are always cut
in triangular wedges. "Well, I thought we might break new
ground," Balki says. Larry proceeds to ask Balki how many cheese
wheels he's cut in his lifetime. After Larry insists that cheese wheels
are cut into triangular wedges, Balki notes, "Cousin, I've noticed that
you've been a little tense about your father's visit." Larry explains
how he's always wanted to hear "Well done, son." "I never
got a 'Well done, son,' either," Balki says, "However, my father did
give me the annual 'Son Appreciation Parade.'" "You got a
parade?" Larry asks. "And the complimentary tote bag,"
Balki adds, "But on Mypos every father gives his son a parade. There
was one almost every day. The richest man on Mypos is the leader of the
marching band: John Phillip Souvlaki." "Well, in this country
things are different," Larry explains, "Fathers withhold praise for
fear their sons will become lazy, complacent and well adjusted."
- There is a knock at
the door. Larry checks his watch. "One o'clock. That must
be Dad." Larry opens the door and he and his father greet each
other. They want to hug but can't bring themselves to it, so Mr. Appleton
pats Larry on the shoulder. Mr. Appleton gives Larry the bag with a cheese
wheel in it and reminds him not to cut it into wedges or it will dry out.
"Right you are, Dad," Larry says, "Oh, Dad, you remember Balki."
Balki hugs Mr. Appleton and then offers him the armchair, calling it the chair
of honor. "So this is where you live, Lawrence?" Mr. Appleton
asks. Larry poses by the mantlepiece, saying, "Yes, Dad, this is home
to me and Balki and a few of my . . . " Larry casually attempts to
rest his arm on the mantlepiece. It slips off, causing him to lose his
balance. He grabs onto the baseball trophy to steady himself. "
. . . trophies. Did I show you the trophy my baseball team
won?" "Oh, look at that cute little trophy," Mr. Appleton
jokes, "What did the runner up get? A keychain?" Larry
laughs at the joke and says to Balki, "Keychain. Dad's great, isn't
he?" "Cousin Larry is going to show you filmed highlights of the
championship game at the party tonight," Balki says. "A
party?" Mr Appleton asks, "Great. Well, we better get
ready. Now you're going to need . . . " "Relax, Dad,"
Larry insists, "Balki and I have taken care of everything."
"I don't see any decorations," Mr. Appleton notes.
"Wow. What a keen eye," Balki comments. "Food?
Drinks? Party favors?" Mr. Appleton asks. "Well, Dad, it's
just an informal get-together," Larry explains. "Poor planning,
Lawrence," Mr. Appleton scolds, "Very poor planning. Come on,
I'll show you the proper way to put a party together." Mr. Appleton
goes into the kitchen. Larry and Balki start to follow. "Isn't
Dad great?" Larry asks again, "We're in for a fun weekend."
"I'll say," Balki agrees, "We've got two cheese wheels."
- In the next
scene the apartment is decorated for the party. Balki is hanging a balloon
on the bookcase area as Larry watches. "How's that, Cousin?"
Balki asks. "Perfect," Larry replies, "Looks great, doesn't
it, Dad?" Mr. Appleton comes out of the kitchen with Jennifer and
Mary Anne who are carrying plates of snacks. "More to the left,
Lawrence," Mr. Appleton says. "More to the left, Balki,"
Larry relates. Balki hangs the balloon to the left. "Where's
the sign that says, 'Welcome, Dad?'" Mr. Appleton asks. "Oh, I
didn't get one," Larry answers. "That's okay," Mr. Appleton
says, "Next time I'll give more than a month's notice." Mary
Anne then asks where Larry wants the snacks and Larry says on the coffee
table. "There's more room on the dining room table, Lawrence,"
Mr. Appleton points out. Larry agrees and tells Mary Anne to put them on
the dining room table instead. Jennifer and Mary Anne start to take the
food to the table and Mr. Appleton follows. "Let me show you the
Appleton method of folding napkins," Mr. Appleton offers the girls,
"It might help you in your work as stewardesses." "You
know, Mr. Appleton, since meeting you, I feel I know Larry a whole lot
better," Jennifer states. Balki and Larry have the discussion about
the 'Well done, sons.' After Balki notes that he's generous with his
"not that way, Lawrences," Larry says, "Balki, you're
exaggerating." "Cousin, he made you repark your car," Balki
notes. Larry then tells Balki his father is just trying to help by
spotting what he's doing wrong and telling him how to do it his way. In
this version they don't make the connection between this and Larry doing the
same to Balki.
- Mr. Appleton,
Jennifer and Mary Anne cross to Balki and Larry. "Everything's
set," Mr. Appleton reports, "Now you can have a proper party,
Lawrence." Jennifer comments about Mr. Appleton being proud of Larry
working on the investigative reporting team and Mr. Appleton admits he was very
impressed with that. "Did you hear that, Balki?" Larry asks,
"Dad was very impressed." Then Mr. Appleton makes the remark
about television being the place to be.
- After Balki says,
"My father was for higher mutton prices," Mary Anne adds, "And
mine was for world peace." "My father was for fun,"
Jennifer says, then explains how he used to take her everywhere. When Mr.
Appleton reminisces about the baseball game he asks Larry, "Remember that
time I got us box seats right behind the Braves dugout?" "How
could I forget?" Larry asks, "I still have the bat Warren Spahn
autographed." "Yes, we had fun that day," Mr. Appleton
agrees, "But it wasn't Warren Spahn. It was Eddie
Matthews." As they argue about this, Balki tells Mr. Appleton,
"Cousin Larry must be right, Mr. Appleton. He has a very good
memory." Larry says the bat is in the closet and he and Balki argue
about the bat being in the closet or the basement. Larry only looks
briefly into the closet before agreeing, "It's in the basement."
"The basement," Balki repeats, "Who would have guessed the
basement?" Jennifer is the one to suggest they go down to the
basement and find the bat. "If any of your guests come while you're
gone, Mary Anne and I will entertain them." "Should I get my
accordion?" Mary Anne asks. "Mary Anne, I hoped this would never
come up but I sent you accordion home to your mother," Jennifer says.
"Why?" Mary Anne asks, "She can't play." "Neither
can you," Jennifer explains. "Just keep them company,"
Larry tells Mary Anne, "What do you say, Dad?" "I say let's
go," Mr. Appleton agrees, "And if you're right, Lawrence, I'll eat my
hat." "You eat your hats, too?" Balki asks as they head out
the door, "I knew there was Myposian blood in your family."
- The next scene
starts with Larry, Balki and Mr. Appleton already in the basement and Larry
rummaging through the storage area, tossing things out behind him which Balki is
catching. Larry and his father are still arguing about who signed the
bat. "Determined little fellow, isn't he?" Balki asks Mr.
Appleton, "Worthy of our admiration, no matter who's right."
When Larry finds the bat and reads who signed it, it's signed "Joey
Willis." Balki has caught a team photo and says, "He's the
little guy in the front of the team picture. What does B.B.
mean?" "Batboy," Larry answers. "You mean you
thought the batboy was Eddie Matthews?" Mr. Appleton asks. "No,
I thought he was Warren Spahn," Larry corrects. Balki does not make
the comment about Batman's son in this script version.
- Mr. Appleton
comments that Larry never knew much about baseball and Balki contradicts him,
showing them his batting stance and saying, "He showed me how to swing this
old hickory stick so I could knock the horsehide into the next county. The
hardest part of baseball is learning the language." "I'm not one
to criticize, but, Balki, I'm afraid you couldn't hit a ball into the next room
with that swing," Mr. Appleton notes. Larry explains that's the way
he taught him and shows the stance. The dialogue is the same until Larry
says, "I've got that trophy on the mantlepiece to prove it."
"In fact, when the players saw Cousin Larry's swing, they made him the
manager," Balki points out. "I'll bet they did," Mr.
Appleton comments. The scene plays out the same as in the show, until
Larry hits the pipe and it breaks, spewing water. "That's probably
the first thing you hit with that swing, Lawrence," Mr. Appleton
notes. After Larry asks Balki what he'd wanted to say, Balki answers,
"I was going to say you're standing too close to the water pipe. But
it appears the game has been called on account of rain." The scene
plays to the end the same as in the show, except Balki does not rant in Myposian.
- Act two begins with
Larry, Balki and Mr. Appleton pounding on the door and calling for help.
After Larry notes that it's no use, the door is solid and nobody can hear them,
Mr. Appleton says, "Nice work, Lawrence. You managed to lock us in
the basement." Larry insists Jennifer and Mary Anne will eventually
come down and open the door and that there's no harm done. "Except to
the pipe," Balki points out. "No problem," Mr. Appleton
says, "All we have to do to stop the leak is locate the cutoff valve by
tracing the inflow-outflow pipes. Balki points to the leak and says,
"I think I've found the outflow pipe." "Very good, Balki,"
Mr. Appleton offers, "Then this must be the inflow pipe. Now if we
can only find the cutoff valve." Larry spots the valve and walks over
to it, eager to please. "I found it, Dad. I found it over
here." The script is pretty much the same as in the show up until Mr.
Appleton knocks the valve off with the hammer. "It looks like your
father amputated a valve," Balki notes.
- The scene in the
apartment with Jennifer, Mary Anne, Mr. Gorpley and Lydia is mostly the same,
except after Jennifer explains about Mr. Appleton sorting the toothpicks and
then going to the basement to look for the bat with Larry and Balki, Mr. Gorpley
makes the comment, "Sounds like the Appleton didn't fall far from the
tree." "Well, I can't wait to meet him," Lydia notes,
"I love people who are more neurotic than I am." The rest of the
scene is the same.
- The next scene
starts with Larry and Balki trying to knock the door down with their
shoulders. Mr. Appleton sits on the stairs, staring at the water cascading
out of the pipe. The basement is covered with a foot of water (Level
1). Larry and Balki hurl themselves against the door with greater
force. They hurt their shoulders. "Ow. Ow," Larry
moans as he clutches his shoulder. "Cousin, I think we're beating our
shoulders against a dead horse," Balki notes. "Well, why don't
we use our time productively and stop the flooding?" Mr. Appleton
suggests. "Ordinarily I'd agree, Dad," Larry says, "But
Jennifer or Mary Anne will be down to let us out soon." "Now
what have I always told you, Lawrence?" Mr. Appleton asks, "Never
leave your fate in someone else's hands. So we're going to attack this
head on. First, let's analyze the problem." The scene plays the
same from this point on, except Larry doesn't tell Balki he's listening to the
master.
- Jennifer uses a
wastepaper basket to hold the door open instead of a fire extinguisher.
After Jennifer asks if Larry and his father were playing some kind of game,
Balki answers, "Yes. Baseball. It's America's
pastime." "I'm sorry I asked," Jennifer sighs. Mary
Anne enters. After saying she didn't know there was a pool down there, she
says, "This is a dangerous place for a basket. Someone could trip and
hurt themselves." Everyone screams "NO." "Yes,
they could," Mary Anne argues. She moves the basket and the door
slams shut. After Jennifer points out that Lydia and Mr. Gorpley will come
down to let them out, Mr. Appleton says, "In the meantime, let's get back
to work. Remember, idle hands . . . " " . . . are the
Devil's giftshop," Balki finishes.
- After finding the
hibachi and explaining they are looking for the drain, Jennifer says, "Oh,
you can forget that. Mr. Twinkacetti spilled a load of cement on it three
years ago." (So they are in the same building as before???)
- After Lydia
and Mr. Gorpley come down and everyone shouts at them, Mr. Gorpley holds up his
hands to quiet them, letting the door close, and says, "If you have
something to say to me, do it one at a time. You first, Bartokomous."
"You've just locked us in," Balki explains. Mr. Gorpley doesn't
like that answer and says, "Okay. Appleton." The rest of
the scene is essentially the same as in the final episode.
There were a few different
variations in the shooting draft dated September 20, 1989:
- The episode
starts the same as what aired, except after Balki offers to help Larry practice
what he'll say to his father, he adds, "I'll be your Papa, you be Cousin
Larry." (THEN) "Oh, that doesn't leave much of a role for
your invisible friend." "It'll be fine," Larry assures him,
"I have it down." He then asks Balki what's in the bag.
- After Larry tells
Balki that cheese wheels are always cut in triangular wedges, Balki says,
"Oh, I don't believe that's true. I can't document it, but I'm sure
I've seen a trapezoid or at least a rhombus." Then Larry asks Balki
how many cheese wheels he's cut in his lifetime.
- After Balki says
that geometric discussions usually have a calming affect on Larry, he asks,
"Are you and your invisible friend having problems?" "I'm
not talking to my invisible friend," Larry insists. "No wonder
you're having problems," Balki notes. Balki's explanation about the
"Son Appreciation Parade" is still in this script. After Larry
explains, "Fathers withhold praise for fear their sons will become lazy,
complacent, and well adjusted," Balki says, "Well, Cousin, your
father's done a good job. You've avoided all those things."
- In this script Balki
tells Mr. Appleton he's been looking forward to meeting him for a "dog's
age." After Mr. Appleton says, "I hope you didn't hire a
decorator" and Larry says he did it all himself, Balki adds, "I picked
out the throw pillows." "I like the throw pillows," Mr.
Appleton comments. "Oh Dad, maybe you would like to look at my
scrapbook?" Larry asks. Mr. Appleton walks toward the mantle.
"Well, sure. Are these your trophies, Lawrence?" "Oh,
yes," Balki answers, "Cousin Larry won this one when he took a ragtag
team of cranky amateurs . . . " "Balki, Balki," Larry
interrupts, "He's my Dad." Larry then repeats his practiced
speech about the softball playoffs. "Oh, isn't that a cute little
trophy?" Mr. Appleton asks, then reads the inscription as, "Larry
Apple?" "There wasn't enough room on there for my full
name," Larry explains, "But it's mine." "Cousin Larry
has witnesses," Balki adds, "They'll all be at the party
tonight." "A party? Great," Mr. Appleton says,
"Well, we better get ready. Now you're going to need . . .
" "Relax, Dad," Larry says, "Balki and I have taken
care of everything." "I don't see any decorations," Mr.
Appleton notes. "You know I said the same thing," Balki agrees,
"I said, 'Balki, how can you have a party without decorations?' And
then it came to me, you can't." "You should listen to Balki,"
Mr. Appleton tells Larry, "Come on, you two. I'll show you how to
throw a party." Mr. Appleton goes into the kitchen followed by Balki.
"You got a punch bowl?" he asks. Larry picks up a scrapbook,
saying, "I once wrote a story about how to throw a party. I think
it's in my scrapbook. You want to take a look at it? I hope it's not
in volume two. That one's at the binders. Dad?"
- At the start of the
next scene, Balki is hanging a balloon as in the first draft script. After
Mr. Appleton tells Larry and then Larry tells Balki "More to the left,
Balki," Balki moves to the left. Larry indicates the balloon and
Balki climbs the ladder to move the balloon instead.
- In this script, Mr.
Appleton offers to show Jennifer and Mary Anne the three-fold star or the
Appleton duck, instead of the Appleton tulip. Jennifer's line about
feeling she knows Larry better after meeting his father is still in this draft.
- In this version,
after Balki says, "My father was for higher mutton prices," Mary Anne
says, "My father was for world peace. But I'm sure he would have been
for higher mutton prices if he hadn't joined the Marines."
- After Larry concedes
that the "bat's in the basement," Balki says, "Well, bust my
buttons. The bat's in the basement. Boy, who would have bet on the
basement?" Larry tells Jennifer and Mary Anne to tell anyone who
comes that they'll be right back as they're walking out the door. Balki
pauses at the door and adds, "If someone shows up that you can't see, don't
turn them away. That's Cousin Larry's invisible friend."
- Balki's comment
"The hardest part of baseball is learning the language" is still in
this version. Same with Balki's line "When the players saw Cousin
Larry's swing, they made him manager."
- After Mr. Appleton
says, "You've gotten us into bigger jams than this," Balki adds,
"Oh, I'll say. There was the time he got us trapped skiing.
There was the time he got us trapped on the river. There was the time he
got us trapped . . . "
- The scene in the
apartment is the same as in the first draft script, with Gorpley's line about
the Appleton not falling far from the tree and Lydia's line about loving people
who are more neurotic than she is still intact. At the end of the scene
after Jennifer exits and Mr. Gorpley is eating the hors d'oeuvres, Mary Anne
shows the napkin she folded successfully and says, "I did it. I did
an Appleton duck." "That's great," Mr. Gorpley says, taking
the napkin from her and shaking it out to wipe his mouth with it.
- Larry and Balki try
to open the door with their shoulders as in the first draft script, except after
Balki says he's beating his shoulder against a dead horse he says,
"However, I do have another idea." He picks up Larry sideways
and aims his head at the door. "No, wait, hold it," Larry
cries. Mr. Appleton suggests they use their time more productively.
Larry says Jennifer and Mary Anne will be down to let them out soon.
"Now what have I always told you, Lawrence?" Mr. Appleton asks.
Larry thinks a beat. "Always wear white at night? Don't run
with scissors in your hand? Count you change before leaving the box
office?" "Never leave your fate in someone else's hands,"
Mr. Appleton says. "Oooh, tough one," Balki notes.
- Balki doesn't sing
"Singing in the Rain" in this first draft script or this one, but in
this version he is supposed to walk through the water like a kid playing in a
puddle.
- Mary Anne comments
about the fire extinguisher as she did about the waste basket, that someone
could trip and hurt themselves. When everyone yells, "NO!" she
argues, "Yes, they could."
- Gorpley asks Balki
to go first in telling him what everyone was trying to say, then asks for
Larry's answer after Balki says he locked them in, just like in the first draft
script.
- After Gorpley
informs them that none of the other guests had arrived, Balki says, "This
is awful." "I know," Mary Anne agrees. This is when
Balki says, "You invite people for seven o'clock, you'd think they'd have
the common courtesy to show up on time."
- The rest of the
script is the same as what aired.
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