Filming Date: October 13, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.7 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 78 - Poetry in Motion
First Air Date: November 3, 1989
Filming Date: October 13, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.7 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode
Balki-isms:
"Minor? You mean his mama had to give him permission?"
"Why would anybody hunt for scavengers?"
"It’s like painting chest hairs on the Mona Lisa."
"Cousin, I can’t believe you would go to so much trouble to find a Lowell
Kelly poem when you consider him such a minor-league poet."
"I put my heart and soul and nose into it."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Cousin, I beg to take issue."
"Question . . . "
"Oh my Lord!"
"Well . . . "
Balki’s "Huh?"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry gets the greed bug
Larry hurries on through something Balki finds emotional, just wanting to get on
with his ulterior motives, in this case saying, "Happiness.
Right. Okay!"
Balki tries to dissuade Larry from doing something and Larry continues to
insist, ending with ordering Balki to do or give him something "Now!"
It is again noted that Larry has no lips
Notable Moment: We see Balki’s bedroom for the first time
Interesting facts:
- The title, Poetry in Motion, comes
from a 1961 hit song by the same name sung by Johnny Tillotson. Another
version was sung by Bobby Vee. The phrase was actually an idiom meaning
that something (often a woman) is beautiful to watch.
- It should be noted that Balki is seen doing research on an article for Larry
at the Chronicle. This is the first time Balki is actually working
specifically for Larry on one of his stories at the office.
- The apartment address and number given in
this episode, 711 Caldwell Avenue, #209, is considered to be the correct address
for their two bedroom apartment. While variations were given over the
years, this one was used the most consistently.
- The Myposian Microwave Cookbook Balki finds behind the refrigerator is the
same folder which Balki used for his class report in the fourth season episode Teacher’s
Pest.
- In this episode, Balki’s bedroom door opened from the left side for the
first time. In all previous episodes, the door opened from the right, but
since this would be the first time we’d see Balki’s bedroom the door would
have been in the way had it opened the way it was originally set up, so it was
changed so that it would open against the wall instead. Many thanks to
Cousin nighttime59 for spotting the different doors in this season!
- Larry wears his watch on his left wrist in this episode. As Cousin
Lauren has pointed out, the watch switched from wrist to wrist, appearing on
both the left and right between different episodes. This may have been for
staging purposes, and indeed when Larry looks at his watch in this episode his
left arm is the one facing toward the camera.
- There is an interesting story behind the Moogli carvings
seen in this episode. Bronson's girlfriend at the time, Wren, worked in a
furniture / craft store when they met, and Bronson bought these little animal
carvings from her. His nickname for Wren? Why, Moogli, of
course! And how do we know this? Be sure to check out our episode
outline for Father Knows Best??? Part Two for the answer!
- Balki's assurances to Zygote the Moogli carving, where he is saying,
"See me, hear me, feel me . . . " is reminiscent of the song by The
Who from the rock opera Tommy called See Me, Feel Me.
- When Balki cries "Stop in the name of love!"
he is making a reference to the 1965 number one hit single by Diana Ross and the
Supremes.
- Bronson's first star
turn in a feature film, Second Sight, opened on November 3, 1989, the
same day as this episode's first airing.
- You can read some behind the scenes reports of the filming of this
episode in the Fifth Season Excerpts here.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- When Larry dials the phone at the end of the first scene, he punches in eight
numbers instead of seven. One could argue that he might have to dial
"9" for an outside line, but if you look closely the first number he
punches is nowhere near where the 9 would be.
- When Larry runs into the closet, he has the blueprints in his hand but in the
next shot they’re gone. It’s assumed he dropped them on the floor but
the cut doesn’t really allow him enough time to have done that.
- This is the first time we see Balki’s bedroom, and there is a window on the
far wall. That means there are windows in the living room, in the kitchen,
in Larry’s room and in Balki’s bedroom. They have windows on
practically every side of their apartment, even though the exterior shot clearly
shows they are located in the middle of the building, and there’s no way their
apartment is big enough to reach both the front and back of the building.
- After Balki says "This is about bringing Larry Appleton money," the
shot cuts to another angle and Balki is standing in a different position with
his arms motioning to the left. To see what was cut here, read the Script
Variations below.
Synopsis:
The episode begins at the Chicago Chronicle. Balki is sitting at his
worktable with books and files stacked up around him. He is taking
notes. Larry approaches and asks, "How’s the research going, Balki?"
"Great, Cousin," Balki answers. Larry walks to a filing cabinet
to put something away. "What have you got on Carl Sandburg?"
Larry asks. "Uh, nothing yet," Balki answers. "Well,
what about Robert Frost?" "He’s next!" Balki
promises. "Well, then what’s all this?" Larry asks, motioning
to the books. "This is all about Lowell Kelly," Balki
explains. "Well, Balki, I just needed a little background on the
poets whose manuscripts are being auctioned tomorrow night at Beardsley’s.
Don’t waste too much time with Lowell Kelly. He’s a minor
poet." "Minor?" Balki asks, "You mean his mama had to
give him permission?" "No, I mean compared to poets like
Sandburg and Frost, uh . . . Kelly’s work . . . isn’t very good," Larry
explains.
"Cousin, I beg to take issue,"
Balki argues, "I love Lowell Kelly. And now that I know so much more
about him I love him even 
more. Did you know that he used to hide his
poems?" "That’s what I’d do with them," Larry
nods. "He always said that it was an extension of the hidden meaning
in his poetry," Balki continues, "One time his editor had to go on a
scavenger hunt to find the poems." "Well, Balki, my editor’s
going to be hunting for my replacement if I don’t get this story in on
time," Larry points out. "Question . . . " Balki asks,
"Why would anybody hunt for scavengers? I mean, they’re ugly . . .
they smell bad . . . they’re not very good eating . . . except perhaps a very
young buzzard." Larry is looking at the notes Balki has taken and
tries to interrupt, saying, "Balki . . . " "You know,
eh . . . years back Mama used to have an excellent recipe for baby buzzard
with basil." "I think you need to take a break," Larry
says, "You accidentally wrote down that Lowell Kelly lived at our
address."
"I did?" Balki looks at his
notes and then the source material. "Cousin, I did not make a
mistake! Look this . . . Lowell Kelly used 
to live at our address, 711
Caldwell Avenue. And not only that but he live in apartment 209!
That’s our apartment!" "Well, that’s incredible," Larry
notes, "But you know what that means? I’m still the best writer who
ever lived in our apartment." Balki gets up and grabs Larry’s
arm. "It also means that Lowell Kelly’s last poem is hidden
somewhere in our apartment." "Well, I say we do the world a
favor and let it stay hidden," Larry suggests, "Come on, let’s go to
lunch." "Oh, Cousin, I know you don’t think much of Lowell
Kelly," Balki sighs as he gets his jacket, "but some other people
do. Listen to this . . . in 1974 a Lowell Kelly manuscript sold for five
thousand dollars." "Five thousand dollars?" Larry asks,
suddenly interested. "Isn’t that disgusting?" Balki asks,
"Putting a price tag on a great work of art. It’s like painting
chest hairs on the Mona Lisa."
"Five thousand dollars for a
poem?" Larry asks. "If it had been signed it would have been ten
thousand," Balki remarks, then 
heads for the parking garage.
"You know, uh, Balki . . . I think I may have to work through lunch,"
Larry says, "Could you get me a corned beef sandwich?" Larry
picks up a piece of paper from his desk. "I’ve got to run this up
to the city desk." "Okay, Cousin," Balki agrees, "One
corned beef, very lean, cut it from the middle and sliced diagonally, coming
right up!" Balki leaves through the parking garage. Once Balki
is gone, Larry consults his Rolodex and then dials his phone. "Beardsley’s
Auction House?" Larry asks, "Yes, this is Larry Appleton from the
Chicago Chronicle again. Yeah . . . you know, I heard somewhere that an
original unpublished Lowell Kelly manuscript brought in five thousand dollars in
1974. Uh . . . what would one go for these days?" Larry eyes
open wide as he gasps, "Twenty-five thousand doll . . . oh my Lord!"
The next day at the apartment, Larry is
standing at the counter looking at floor plans of the apartment.
Everything is disheveled and moved out of place. Balki has squeezed behind
the refrigerator and is looking around. He comes out, looking dirty and
tired, and approaches Larry. "Well, Cousin, no poem back there,"
Balki reports, "But I did find my Myposian Microwave Cookbook that you said
was stolen." "You sure you can’t get behind the sink?"
Larry asks. "Yeah," Balki assures him, then notes, "You
know, Cousin, I can’t help noticing that I’m doing all the work and you’re
doing . . . all the . . . whatever it is you’re doing." "All
the work?" Larry asks, "All the work? Balki, who went all the
way downtown to get the blueprints?" "You did," Balki
admits. "Who stood in line for a good ten minutes at the city planner’s
office?" "You did." "Who left a five dollar
deposit for the blueprints?" "You’re right," Balki
agrees, "I’m sorry for being so petty." "That’s
okay," Larry says.
"Cousin, I can’t believe you would
go to so much trouble to find a Lowell Kelly poem when you consider him such a
minor-league 
poet," Balki notes. "That was this morning, Balki,"
Larry explains, "After our talk I realized the true value of his
poetry. How a few simple lines on paper can enrich a man’s
life." "Cousin, isn’t it wonderful that we’re going to find
a poem that will bring the world such happiness?" Balki lowers his
head onto Larry’s shoulder in joy. "Happiness. Right.
Okay!" Larry moves on, heading for the fireplace with Balki following,
"Let’s look at the mantelpiece. Maybe there’s a loose tile . . .
a secret compartment." Larry starts feeling underneath the mantel as
Balki sits down in one of the nearby chairs. "You know, Cousin . . .
on Mypos whenever I had anything that I wanted to hide that was valuable I used
to just shove it up the chimney." "Shove it up the
chimney?" Larry asks. "Just shove it up the chimney," Balki
repeats. "Well, this isn’t Mypos, so we can eliminate the
chimney," Larry dismisses the idea. "Cousin, it wouldn’t kill
you to look up the chimney!" Balki argues. "All right, I’ll
look up the chimney," Larry agrees.
Larry gets down onto his back and peers up
into the chimney. "Balki, there’s something here!" he says
excitedly, "Balki, hand me 
the poker." "Uh, Cousin, no,
no," Balki argues, "It’s not a good idea to go poking up in the
chimney." "Balki, I know what I’m doing," Larry insists,
"Hand me the poker." "No," Balki says, "Cousin,
eh . . . no. No." "Balki . . . "
"No." "Balki." "No, Cousin, I know more . .
. " "Balki . . . " "Cousin, I know more about
chimneys . . . " "Balki!" Larry finally screams, "Hand
me the poker . . . now!" Balki reaches over and grabs the poker from
the fireplace tools, then reluctantly hands it to Larry, sighing, "Po po po
po po po . . . " Larry starts pushing the poker up the chimney as
Balki gets up from the chair, uttering frustrated Myposian comments like, "Poki
sticki upti ticki . . . " Balki walks away, continuing to complain in
Myposian. "There’s something stuck to the side of the
chimney!" Larry reports, banging inside the fireplace with the poker.
Balki returns from the bathroom with a small towel, still grumbling with
frustration in Myposian as he sits back down in the chair and lays the towel
across his lap, waiting.
"If I could just . . . pry it
loose," Larry says, working at it. Finally he cries, "I’m
getting it . . . I’m getting it . . . I’ve got it!" Something
falls near his head and then a huge amount of soot comes flying down from the
chimney, landing on Larry’s face. Very slowly Larry emerges from the
fireplace, his face and hair blackened with soot. Larry holds out his hand
expectantly. "You know, um . . . one of the reasons it makes such an
excellent hiding place is no one in their right mind would go poking up inside
it," Balki 
comments, placing the towel in Larry’s hand. Larry wipes
himself off with the towel, which doesn’t make much of a difference at
all. He glances back at the fireplace, then notes, "Boy, I was
lucky! I could have been hit in the head with this brick!"
Larry holds up the brick that barely missed him, then tosses it back into the
fireplace. "Or worse," Balki notes, reaching into the fireplace
to pick up something else, "with this tin box." Balki tosses the
box back into the fireplace. After a moment Larry’s eyes open wide and
he turns quickly, looking back to the fireplace, then at Balki, all the while
soot flying everywhere from his head. "Balki! Do you know what
this is?" "It’s a tin box," Balki answers plainly.
"This isn’t just a tin box!" Larry cries, "We’ve found the
Lowell Kelly poem!" They start to try to open the box as the scene
fades to black.
Act two begins some time later.
Larry and Balki are sitting on the couch and Larry has gotten cleaned off.
He is using a tool to pry the tin box open. Once it’s open, he throws
the tool aside and Balki throws the towel he had given Larry earlier aside and
Larry pulls out a piece of paper before throwing the box aside as well.
"Here it is," Larry announces, "Get ready to hear Lowell Kelly’s
last poem." Balki sits in anticipation as Larry reads. "‘Roses
are red, violets are blue, if you want my poem, here’s what you do.’"
"Yeah," Balki nods, "Yeah. That’s Kelly. The man
was a genius. I don’t know why he fell into disfavor in the
sixties." "Balki, this isn’t the poem," Larry
explains. "If it’s not the poem, what is it?" Balki
asks. "Balki, these are instructions for finding the poem. We
are nearing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!" "Did you
say . . . gold?" Balki asks suspiciously. "Gold?" Larry
asks innocently. "Yes." "Why would I say gold?"
Larry asks. "I don’t know," Balki says.
"There’s no money involved in
this," Larry insists, "Aren’t we doing this to bring the world
happiness?" Larry lays his head on 
Balki’s shoulder.
"Happiness, right," Balki concurs. Larry lifts his head and says
in earnest, "Now help me find the poem!" They stand up together
and Larry reads from the piece of paper. "‘From the front door with
zest, first you take ten paces west.’" They run to the front door
and stand with their backs against it. "From the front door, ten
paces west," Larry repeats. "It says with zest," Balki
reminds him. "With zest," Larry agrees, "Ten
paces." They count off ten paces as they move forward with great
enthusiasm. Their steps take them to the middle of the kitchen.
"‘Five paces north, now five more east, you’re getting close to a
poetry feast,’" Larry reads, "Five paces north." Larry
points to his left while Balki points right, then corrects Larry’s hand so it’s
also pointing right. They turn and count off five paces, ending up just
past the counter. "Now five more east," Larry repeats, and they
turn to their right and count off another five paces, their last step taking
them on top of the coffee table.
Once again Larry reads from the
paper. "‘Six paces south, please be meticulous . . . ‘"
"Of course we will! Don’t be ridiculous!" Balki
finishes. They turn to their right. "Six paces south,"
Larry repeats. They take six steps which takes them off the coffeetable 
and over the couch. On their fifth step they walk into the wall next to
the bookcases. "Balki, I don’t understand. We’re supposed
to take six paces south, we’ve only taken five." "Perhaps
Kelly had short legs," Balki suggests. Larry suddenly cries,
"Wait a minute!" and runs to get the blueprints from the counter,
bringing them back to Balki. "Balki, this wall shouldn’t be
here!" "Cousin, I think you’re right!" Balki agrees,
"If this wall were gone it would really open up the space and make kind of
a Santa Fe statement." "No, no, no, Balki," Larry
interrupts, "I mean this wall wasn’t here when Lowell Kelly lived
here. We need to take one more pace in that direction. I’m going
into the closet." Larry runs around the wall and into the closet,
calling out, "Six!" Larry holds the paper out of the closet as
he says, "This is the final instruction!" He reads, "‘Five
paces east and you will be in the presence of poetry." He counts off
four steps with Balki following, and they reach Balki’s bedroom door.
"Balki! The poem is hidden in your bedroom!" Larry states.
They enter Balki’s bedroom.
"Come on, Balki, let’s find the . . . " Larry stops, looking
around at the many Myposian decorations 
and artifacts which festoon the
room. There is a huge tapestry covering the back wall. Balki closes
the door behind them. "You know, every time I come in here it’s
just a little . . . busier," Larry observes. "Thank you,
Cousin," Balki smiles, "I . . . I like to think of my room as a work
in progress. Speaking of which, there’s something I want to show
you. Come over here. Come over here." He positions Larry
near the foot of his bed and has him face the back wall. Balki moves to a
pullcord and pulls up the tapestry, revealing a huge mural. The painted
mural depicts Larry in Amercia on the one side and Balki in Mypos on the
other. "Well . . . " Larry gasps, moving closer, "Balki . .
. it’s big!" "I’ve been staying up late nights working on
it," Balki explains, "It’s a depiction of the birth of our
friendship."
"Well, of course!" Larry
realizes, "And, uh . . . this would be you over here." "The
sandals give me away, huh?" Balki smiles. "And this person with
no lips would be me." Balki nods. "Well, it’s very nice
Balki," Larry says, "Now come on. Let’s see if we can find . .
. " "Cousin, Cousin . . . I’m so happy you like it,"
Balki confesses, "because I put my heart and soul and six months of
sleepless nights into painting it. Actually, there was one night when I
fell asleep against the mural." Balki moves to the painting.
"You see this sheep that looks like a nose?" Balki puts his nose
next to the sheep for comparison. "It . . . it is my
nose." "Well, it’s a good, good painting," Larry says,
placing his hand on Balki’s shoulder, "But we have a poem to find,
huh? Now . . . let’s get all this stuff off the shelves."
Larry moves toward some animal carvings on one of Balki’s built-in bookcases.
"Cousin, Cousin, wait wait wait wait
wait!" Balki cries, "Wait a minute! You were about to touch a
rare complete set of Moogli carvings." "Okay, you move
them," Larry says, "But let’s hurry it up."
"Okay," Balki says, picking out a carving, "Okay, Zygote . . . I’m
gonna take you down now." He puts his hand under the animal and
gently lifts it down, taking extreme care and moving very slowly, talking to it
all the while. "I’m gonna take you down. Shh, shh, shh, no no
no no no. That’s my hand . . . that’s my hand. Don’t look
down. Don’t look down. Eye contact . . . eye contact . . . eye
contact. See me . . . hear me . . . feel me." He sets the
animal down gently on a table. "Okay, okay, there’s the back legs,
and there’s the forepaws. Okay." He gently pats the animal's
nose, then breaths a sigh of relief. He reaches up for another one,
beginning, "Okay . . . Zina . . . "
"Uh, say Balki," Larry
interrupts, "Uh . . . don’t you have a class to go to?"
"Well, I already decided I’m not going tonight," Balki 
explains. "You’re not?" Larry asks. "No, no, I want
to help you find the poem," Balki answers. "Well, I’m
shocked," Larry says, "Don’t you realize there are people all over
the world who would do anything for the educational opportunities that have been
just handed to you? Is this the way you show your gratitude? Is
it? By skipping class?" "But, but, but, Cousin, I’m only
gonna do it just this once." "Oh sure, that’s what you say
now, but soon it’ll be twice a week . . . three times a week . . . a whole
semester. Pretty soon you will have forgotten the Pledge of
Allegiance." "Cousin, I would never do that," Balki says in
shock. "Then you better go to class!" Larry insists.
"Okay," Balki agrees. "Don’t worry . . . I won’t look
for the poem ‘til you get back." "Okay," Balki says,
"Thank you, Cousin." He leaves his bedroom and closes the door
behind him. Larry immediately looks determined and heads for the shelves of
Moogli carvings.
Later that evening, Balki returns from his
class and enters the front door. He is confronted with the sight of his
possessions 
strewn about the living room; the Moogli carvings are in a pile on
the couch. There is suddenly a loud buzzing sound coming from Balki’s
bedroom. Balki sets his books and jacket on the bookcase and hurries
back. Inside Balki’s room is a picture of complete devastation with most
of the walls broken open. There is an axe, a sledgehammer and other
various tools leaning against one wall. Larry is wearing a protective face
mask and gloves and is wielding a chainsaw. He uses it to cut the top of
the wooden window seat in half, then turns the chainsaw off and sets it
down. As Balki watches in disbelief, Larry pulls off the seat and throws
it aside, looking inside the space underneath. Once done, Larry steps back
and catches his breath, then sees Balki behind him. "Balki!" he
says with surprise, "I didn’t hear you come in." "What
have you done?" Balki gasps. "Oh, well," Larry says
innocently, looking around at the room, "Just thought I’d get a jump on
things. No need to thank me."
Larry picks up a sledgehammer and cries,
"Balki! I know now where the poem is!" "Where,
Cousin, could it possibly be?" Balki 
cries, "You’ve torn up every
wall! The only place it could possibly be is . . . " Balki
motions to the still untouched mural, then looks horrified, realizing what Larry
has in mind. Larry eyes the wall with greed in his eyes, then steps toward
it. Balki backs up with each of Larry’s steps, gasping, "No,
Cousin. No . . . no . . . " Larry swings the sledgehammer back
and Balki throws himself against the mural in desperation, crying, "Don’t
destroy my mural!" Balki gets down on one knee and takes Larry’s
hand in his, pressing it to his face and crying, "Please, Cousin.
Please, Cousin. I put my heart and soul and nose into it."
"Balki, Balki," Larry says, pulling Balki to his feet, "You can
paint it again! Think of how much better it will be the second time
around." "Cousin, I can’t paint it a second time," Balki
insists, "It was done during my blue period and I think that’s
past."
"Balki, there is a manuscript on the
other side of that wall that is worth a lot of money," Larry explains,
"I called Beardsley’s and 
they told me we could get twenty-five thousand
dollars for that poem." "So that’s why you’re in my room with a
chainsaw!" Balki realizes, "This isn’t about bringing the world
happiness . . . this is about bringing Larry Appleton money." Larry moves
to raise the sledgehammer again and once again Balki jumps in front of the
mural. "Wait, Cousin, look around you!" Balki cries. Larry turns to
swing the other direction but Balki moves over to block that side. "Wait,
look what you’ve done!" Larry switches back and Balki moves over once
more, crying, "Stop in the name of love!" "Balki . . . get out of
my way!" Larry roars. Balki slowly moves away from the mural, saying,
"Okay, Cousin. You can destroy my mural if you want to." Larry raises
the sledgehammer. "But just think . . . " Balki continues,
"before you leap into your own Great Gorge of Greed. You might find a poem
. . . but you might lose the part of Larry Appleton that cares more about people
than he does about money." Balki slowly leaves the bedroom.
Balki slowly walks across the living when
there is a sudden crashing sound and Larry lets out a loud yell that sounds like
a 
strange laugh. Balki is struck to the heart by the noise. He moves
to the couch and sits down as Larry appears from the bedroom, limping over to
the couch. "Balki . . . I didn’t destroy the mural," Larry
says. "You didn’t?" Balki asks with surprise. "Naw,
I just . . . couldn’t do it," Larry sigh. Balki gets up and hugs
Larry, saying, "Cousin, thank you, thank you. I’m so happy.
But . . . why . . . why were you screaming?" "I dropped the
sledgehammer on my foot," Larry answers painfully. "Cousin, I’m
so proud of you," Balki offers. "I didn’t do it on
purpose!" Larry insists. "No, I’m proud of you for resisting
the Great Gorge of Greed," Balki explains, leading Larry to the end of the
couch where they sit down. "I went off the deep end again,"
Larry notes, "And you know what it was?" "Just pure
greed," Balki answers. "It was just pure greed," Larry
continues, "You know, sometimes . . . " "You just get
greedy," Balki notes. " . . . I get greedy . . . "
"You just lose control," Balki adds. " . . . and I lose
it. I lose control," Larry finishes.
"But you know what, Cousin?"
Balki asks. "Look on the bright side?" Larry tries.
"Look on the bright side," Balki nods, "You were 
lured to the
edge of the Great Gorge of Greed but you didn’t fall in." "I
do get right up to the edge though, don’t I?" Larry asks, "Why is
that?" "I don’t know," Balki shrugs, "Maybe you like
the view." Balki looks down at the coffee table where one of his
built-in shelf drawers is sitting, then reaches down to pull off a piece of
paper taped to the back. "Cousin, what’s this?" Balki asks
knowingly, handing it to Larry. Larry snatches it anxiously, saying,
"It’s Lowell Kelly’s poem!" Larry unfolds it and starts to
read. "‘If you’ve made it this far, you’re quite a mover; Now
buy a ticket and go to Vancouver. Bring a rifle, a net, put a smile on
your face; You’ll need all of these for your wild goose chase.’"
Larry looks stunned but Balki is smiling broadly. "Beautiful,"
Balki sighs happily, "It was worth the effort."
Script Variations:
The
first draft script dated September 28, 1989 is significantly different from the
final episode:
- In
this draft, the poet's name is Lowell Harris, not Lowell Kelly.
- In this version, the episode begins
in the cousins' apartment. Larry and Balki have just finished dinner with
Jennifer and Mary Anne. Dimitri is on the counter, wearing a chef's
hat. Jennifer and Mary Anne help Larry and Balki clear the table.
"That dinner was very . . . interesting," Jennifer offers.
"I'm glad you liked the Myposian rib eye steak," Balki says.
"It was the first time I ever had a meal that watched me as I ate,"
Mary Anne comments. "Myposian cooking is like that," Larry
notes, "Their oxtail soup comes with the tail." They finish
clearing the dishes and go into the living room to sit on the couch.
"Should we tell them now, Balki?" Mary Anne asks. "Yes,
while they're still aglow with the joy of making eye contact with their
dinner," Balki agrees. "Tell us? Tell us what?" Larry
asks. "Mary Anne and I have a very special announcement to
make," Balki begins. Jennifer jumps up and hugs Mary Anne crying,
"Oh, Mary Anne, congratulations. I'm so happy for you."
"Balki, you sly dog," Larry adds, "How could you keep this from
me?" "Well, Cousin, nothing is definite yet," Balki says,
"We still have a lot of things to do before we can make our dream a
reality." "Don't forget the blood tests," Jennifer reminds
them. "Blood tests? Whoa," Balki says, taken aback,
"Getting something declared a landmark is a lot tougher than I
thought." "A landmark?" Larry asks. "Yes,"
Mary Anne explains, "Balki and I are trying to have our building declared a
historical landmark." Jennifer is disappointed. "You mean
you're not getting . . . " "Oh, landmark!" Larry
interrupts, covering for Jennifer, "You know, Jennifer, I don't think you
need a blood test for that anymore." "Good, because I wouldn't
have time to study," Balki says with relief. "Balki, do you know
what a landmark is?" Larry asks. "Of course, I do. Don't
be ridiculous," Balki replies, "We have them all over Mypos.
They mark the sites of King Beani's royal feasts. Only they're not called
landmarks. They're called beaneries." "A good name for
them," Larry agrees, "But what makes you think this building's a
landmark?" "Well, Mary Anne says there's a story that the famous
poet, Lowell Harris lived here in 1912," Balki answers. "In fact
the only reason I moved into this building was to be near his memory," Mary
Anne nods. "I thought you moved in because we were childhood
friends," Jennifer points out. "Well, sure but that's no reason
to declare this building a landmark," Mary Anne says. "Lowell
Harris would be a hundred this year if he was still alive and we thought a
landmark would be the ideal gift," Balki explains. "We've been
doing research to try to prove he lived in the building," Mary Anne
adds. "We talked to the mailman," Balki says, "but he was
no help. He's only had this route for twenty years." "We
thought Lowell might still have some relatives living in Chicago," Mary
Anne continues, "So I started calling all the Harrises in the phone
book. I had to stop after the third page because my ear went
numb." "Mary Anne, that's not how you do research,"
Jennifer says, "You have to know what to look for and how to look for
it. It's a highly developed skill." "Which I just happen
to possess," Larry points out, "Perhaps I'd better help
you." Mary Anne heads for the door, saying, "Oh, thanks,
Larry. I'll get my phone book." "No, no, Mary Anne,"
Larry stops her, "I mean I can help you with the research. I'll just
check the files at the Chronicle." "Oh, Larry, that would be
great," Mary Anne smiles, "Instead of making phone calls all night, I
can read Balki some of Lowell Harris' love sonnets." "And I can
recite some of the poems of the poet Laureate of Mypos, Drainos," Balki
adds. "Drainos?" asks Larry. "He was also the plumber
Laureate," Balki explains. "I'd love to hear his poems,"
Mary Anne says. "They're very moving," Balki assures her, then
recites, "Birds sing. Bees buzz. Where did I put my
shoes?" "Balki, that's gibberish," Larry comments.
"Yes, I know, Cousin," Balki says, "Drainos is skilled in all the
poetic art forms."
- The next day at the newspaper, Larry is at his
desk which is piled high with bound volumes of back issues of the
Chronicle. Balki enters from the archives carrying even more
volumes. "Find anything, Cousin?" "Only that Lowell
Harris was a screwball," Larry replies, "He used to hide his poems and
leave puzzles and maps so they could be found." Larry then mentions
that he sent his editor on a scavenger hunt and Balki asks why anybody would
want to hunt scavengers. "Balki," Larry says impatiently,
"Lowell Harris liked to hide his poems and make his editor search for
them. Okay?" "Well, that makes more sense," Balki
replies. "It's kind of sad," Larry notes, "Just before he
died, Lowell Harris hid what he considered his greatest poem, 'Iridescence,' in
his home. But nobody ever found it." "Too bad," Balki
sighs, "I would have liked to have read it." "Wait a
minute. Here's something," Larry says, reading, "'Poet Flees
Fire. Lowell Harris, poet and puzzle poser, was forced from his apartment
after a small fire broke out in the building at 711 Caldwell Avenue.'
Balki, that's our address. Isn't it amazing?" Balki is looking
at the paper and says, "It sure is, Cousin. Hamburger was twenty five
cents a pound then." "Not that, Balki. Lowell Mate (Editor's
note: It is written as Mate here, so perhaps that was an even earlier working
name for Kelly?) really did live in our building." "Mary
Anne will be so happy," Balki smiles, "Now we can get the building
declared a landmark." "There's more," Larry continues,
"'The fire started in apartment 209 but the firemen were able to prevent it
from spreading to the adjacent apartment.' Balki, do you know what that
means?" "Yes, it means that there was a fire across the hall
from us," Balki answers. (Editor's note: This indicates they still
considered their apartment to be number 207 at this point, as Balki had stated
in the third season episode Sexual Harassment in Chicago, although if it
were across the hall it would more likely have been 208 or 210)
"Which means . . . " Larry leads. "They didn't have smoke
detectors," Balki tries. "Balki, it means that not only did
Lowell Harris live in our building, he lived in our apartment. And his
poem is still hidden there. It must be worth a fortune."
"Well, it's a nice apartment, Cousin," Balki agrees, "But I
wouldn't go overboard." "The poem must be worth a fortune,"
Larry corrects Balki, "Do you know what we could do with it if we found
it?" "Yes, Cousin. We could give it to a museum for the
whole world to enjoy." "Give?" Larry asks, "Well, yes,
I guess we could give it to a museum." "I'll get Mary Anne and
Jennifer to help us look for it," Balki suggests. "Wait. I
wouldn't do that." "Why not, Cousin?" "Balki, if
word leaked out about the poem, somebody else might find it and sell it,"
Larry thinks quickly, "Or worse not share it with the world. We don't
want Jennifer and Mary Anne to have that worry. Let's just tell them about
Lowell Harris living there and surprise them when we find the poem."
"Cousin, you're so considerate," Balki observes. "Thanks,
Balki. Why don't you take some of these files back to the
archives?" "Okay," Balki agrees, and exits. Larry
then calls Beardsley's and asks how much he could get for the manuscript.
He doesn't repeat a specific price but does comment, "Oh my
Lord!" When Larry gets off the phone, he starts singing "We're
in the Money."
- The next scene takes place in the apartment later
that day. Larry is at the counter, wearing a stethoscope and listening to
the sound as he taps the counter with a small hammer. There are blueprints
hanging on the upstage wall. Balki enters carrying a pizza box.
"Cousin, pizza's here." Larry doesn't respond. "It's
our favorite. Half pepperoni and half pig snout," Balki
reports. Larry doesn't respond. Balki crosses to Larry and grabs the
business end of Larry's stethoscope, saying into it, "Number seven . . .
your pizza's ready." Larry jumps. "Don't interrupt
me!" "All poem hunting and no pizza makes Cousin Larry a grouchy
boy," Balki notes. "Not now, Balki," Larry insists.
"But, Cousin, you skipped your lunch to work in the archives. You
left work early to get the blueprints. And now you're trying to find a
heartbeat in a post. Don't you think you're going too far?"
"Balki, I'm using this stethoscope to find any hollow spaces in the
wall," Larry explains, "Any place where Lowell Harris may have hidden
his poem." "Oh-oh, Cousin, I don't like the look in your
eye," Balki worries, "It reminds me of the people on Mypos who were
destroyed when they looked into the chasm of greed." "Let's
see," Larry thinks, "you've told me about the 'Pit of Lies,' the
'Abyss of Deception,' and the 'Black Hole of Jealousy.' But 'Chasm of
Greed' just doesn't ring a bell." "Well, allow me to ring your
bell, Cousin. The people who looked into the chasm of greed ruined their
lived pursuing the myth of the Lost Gold of Mypos." "I didn't
know there was gold on Mypos." "There isn't, Cousin.
That's why it's called a myth. But some Myposians believed it. They
became so inflamed with the fever of finding the Lost Gold of Mypos that they
abandoned everything that gave their life meaning. Their families.
Their friends. Their tickets to the Mypos Sheep Shearing
Competition. The fever drove them into the wilderness and they were never
seen again. But sometimes when the harvest moon turns golden, they can
still be heard howling at it from the chasm into which they have
plunged." "Balki, I love these Myposian fables but you don't
have to worry," Larry assures him, "I'm not inflamed and I'm not going
to wind up howling at the money . . . moon . . . moon. I'm not going to
wind up howling at the moon." "Are you sure, Cousin?"
"Balki, I'm doing this to give the world a beautiful poem. If you
remember, it was my idea." "I forgot, Cousin," Balki
admits. "Now instead of telling me tales from Mypos' dark side, why
don't you help me figure out where Lowell Harris his hid poem," Larry
suggests. "Well, on Mypos I always hid things in the fireplace,"
Balki notes. "Balki, that's too obvious," Larry sighs.
"You got better?" Balki asks. "Let's try the
fireplace," Larry agrees. Larry puts on his stethoscope and starts
hammering and listening at the fireplace. "Maybe there's a secret
compartment," he explains. "I never would have thought of a
secret compartment," Balki admits, "You know, on Mypos I used to just
shove things up the chimney." "The chimney," Larry repeats,
"Balki, you keep knocking on the fireplace." Larry gives Balki
the stethoscope and crawls into the fireplace and lies on his back. Balki
starts to listen to his own heartbeat. "Don't play with it,"
Larry scolds. Balki starts knocking on the fireplace. "Cousin,
it all sounds the same to me," Balki reports. "Knock
harder," Larry suggests. Balki does as Larry continues to look up the
chimney. "I still can't tell," Balki says. "Knock
harder," Larry urges. Balki pounds on the fireplace. His
pounding dislodges mortar and soot from the chimney. The soot hits
Larry. He comes out of the fireplace with soot all over his face.
"Balki, what's wrong with you?" Larry cries, "Don't you know the
difference between knocking and pounding?" Balki tries to brush the
soot from Larry's face and only succeeds in smearing his face worse.
"Balki, stop it," Larry cries, picking up rubble from the fireplace,
"Do you realize I could have been hit with this mortar?"
"Or worse, this tin box," Balki notes. Larry grabs the tin box
from Balki. "Tin box. Balki, we've found the poem!"
This is the end of act one.
- Act two begins after Larry has cleaned the soot off his
face. He opens the box and takes out a sheet of paper. "Get
ready to hear Lowell Harris' greatest poem, 'Iridescence.'" The
"roses are red" poem is the same as in the final episode.
"Hmmm," Balki thinks aloud, "Good rhyme scheme. Effective
meter. Scans nicely but I wouldn't put it among Lowell's best."
Larry explains they are instructions to finding the poem and comments they're
nearing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. "Gold?" Balki
asks, "Cousin, are you starting to feel the lure of the 'Chasm of
Greed?'" "Will you stop with that chasm nonsense?" Larry
complains, "I'm just excited about finding a great poem. You will let
me get excited about finding a great poem, won't you?" "Well,
Cousin - - " "Won't you?" "Well, I - -
" "Won't you?" "Well, I - - "
"Won't you? You will let me get excited about finding a great
poem?" "Well, yes, Cousin," Balki agrees, "If you want
to." "Thank you. Now, help me look for the
poem." Larry then reads, "From the fireplace with zest, first
you take ten paces west." Larry starts to walk upstage. Balki
stops him, saying, "Cousin, that's not west." "Balki, I
should know west," Larry argues, "I was born in this
country." Balki points to the sun streaming in the window.
"Cousin, doesn't the sun sink in the west?" "Okay,
okay," Larry agrees impatiently, "Ten paces." Larry takes
ten paces west. "Five paces south," Larry reads. Larry
turns in the wrong direction and Balki turns him the right direction.
"Now three more east . . . " Larry continues, Balki pointing him in
the right direction once more, " . . . You're getting closer to a poetry
feast. Four paces south, do you want particulars?" "Of
course we so. Don't be ridiculous," Balki chimes in. After only
taking three paces Larry ends up against the wall by the bookcase. Larry
is confused and Balki points out that maybe Lowell had short legs. Larry
gets the blueprints and cries, "Balki, this wall shouldn't be
here." "Cousin, I don't think this is the time for architectural
criticism," Balki notes. "I mean this wall wasn't here when
Lowell lived here," Larry explains, "I should go in the
closet." Larry goes into the closet. "Well, okay, Cousin,
but don't hang from the clothes pole again. It really doesn't make you
taller," Balki says. Larry's journey from the closet to Balki's
bedroom is the same.
- Larry enters Balki's bedroom, saying, "Come
on, Balki. Let's find that . . . " Larry stops. He looks
around the room. Balki has transformed it into a little bit of Mypos.
The room is decorated with folk art. Figurines and carved figures are
lined up on a built-in bookcase, similar to the one in the living room.
Curtains completely cover one wall. An old poster of Wayne Newton's
appearance at the Mypos Ampitheatre is on the back of the door. The poster
also announces the next attraction, Zamfir. "Balki, what is
this?" Larry asks. "It's my room," Balki explains,
"It's the place I go to sleep at night." "I mean what do
you call this?" Larry asks, motioning to the decor. "I call it
'Little Mypos,'" Balki explains, "Part of the cultural diversity that
makes America great." "You didn't happen to see a poem when you
re-doing your room?" Larry asks. "No, Cousin. But I have
something just as good." "You figured out where the poem is
hidden?" Larry asks hopefully. Balki goes over to the wall covered by
the curtains. He starts a tape recorder and pulls on a drawstring to part
the curtains. The Theme from '2001' begins to play as Balki unveils a
beautiful mural. It is a painting of the Bartokomous - Appleton Family
Tree. "No," Balki answers Larry's last question, "The
Bartokomous - Appleton family tree. I just finished painting it.
Here is our common ancestor, Zygote Yod." "Zygote Yod?"
Larry asks. "Legendary leader of the pig people," Balki
explains, "He was the first one on Mypos to milk a goat. Zygote
really pushed the edge of the envelope that time, Cousin." "Balki,
let's discuss evolution another time," Larry suggests, "Right now I
have to find a poem that's worth a fortune." Larry starts to move
furniture out of his way. Balki stops him. "Cousin, you say you
haven't looked into the 'Chasm of Greed,' but you sure act like it."
"I thought we already established that this is not greed," Larry
counters, "It's excitement." "Cousin, I've seen you excited
and I've seen you greedy and you're testing positive for greed."
Larry looks at his watch. "Say, don't you have a class to go
to?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I'm not going to leave you like
this," Balki insists. "Balki, I'm fine," Larry assures him,
"And poem hunting is really a one-man job." "Cousin, I
think you're nearing the edge of the chasm and I want to be here to help
you." "I appreciate that but aren't you being a little
ungrateful?" Larry asks. "How, Cousin?" Larry makes
the remark about the people all over the world who don't have the same
opportunities. Balki assures him it would just be this one time.
Larry argues that's what Balki says now but soon it will be twice a week, three
times a week. "Then a semester and before you know it, you'll be
hanging around pool halls and ordering things from the All Shopping
Network." "Oh, Cousin, I don't want to end up like that,"
Balki worries, "But I don't want you to end up in the 'Chasm of Greed,'
either." "Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. I promise I
won't look for the poem until you come back," Larry says. "You
promise?" "On the head of Zygote and all his little goats,"
Larry adds. "Pigs, Cousin," Balki corrects, "He was
legendary leader of the pig people." "Pig people.
Right," Larry agrees, "You go ahead. I'll just stay here and
soak up some Myposian culture." Larry points to a small object.
"Now that's very interesting. What is it? Some sort of
primitive sculpture?" "No, Cousin. That's a two week old
quarter pounder with cheese. I'd better throw that out." Balki
exits.
- Balki enters the apartment after class to find
his folk art and the entire bookcase are in the living room. He throws
down his books, takes off his coat and hurries into his bedroom. The room
looks like Troy after the Greeks got through with it. Window frames and
baseboards have been pried loose. Light fixtures dangle from the wall by
their cords. Gaping holes have been knocked in all the walls except the
one with Balki's mural on it. A sledgehammer, a chain saw and other tools
are lying around the room. Larry is so intent on looking behind a
baseboard he has pried loose with a crowbar that he doesn't hear Balki
enter. "Cousin, what have you done?" Balki cries. "Balki!"
Larry says, startled, "Oh, I just thought I'd get a jump on things.
No need to thank me." "Cousin, you looked into the 'Chasm of
Greed,'" Balki realizes, "It's got you in its clutches."
"Me? No. Not me," Larry insists, "I haven't been near
the chasm. I'm doing this for humanity. For posterity."
"For money," Balki guesses. "Oh, now that hurts,"
Larry says, "You can look me in the eye and say I'm doing it for
money?" "Cousin, your pupils have been replaced by dollar
signs," Balki notes. "Alright. I'm doing it for
money," Larry admits, "Now get out of my way." Larry looks
for another place to search. He sees the wall with Baki's mural on
it. He picks up the sledgehammer and advances on the wall. Balki
steps in front of Larry and spreads his arms protectively across it.
"Cousin, no. You can't destroy our family tree." "Balki,
I called Beardsley's. That manuscript is worth twenty five thousand
dollars. So, say goodbye to Zygote the goat milker." Larry
starts to swing the sledgehammer. Balki halts it in mid-swing.
"Cousin, I put the love I have for our family into this painting.
It's a work of art. You can't destroy a work of art just for
money." "This is America," Larry replies, "Works of
art are constantly being destroyed for money. Haven't you ever heard of
colorization? Now stand aside. There's a poem on the other side of
that wall and it's going to make us rich. 'Cause I'm not a bad man.
I'm going to split the money with you." Balki stands aside.
Larry swings the sledgehammer at the wall. Balki grabs the sledgehammer
head and Larry's momentum pulls it out of his grasp. "Cousin, you're
on the very edge of the 'Chasm of Greed.' If you want to destroy the
mural, I can't stop you. Well, actually, I can but I won't. You have
to decide what is right. It's between you and your conscience. Just
think before you leap into the 'Chasm of Greed.' You may find the lost
poem but you might lose Larry Appleton. Larry takes the sledgehammer from
Balki and Balki exits the bedroom.
- Balki enters the living room and sits on the
couch, putting his hands over Dimitri's ears. There is a loud noise from
the bedroom. Balki winces. Larry comes limping out of the
bedroom. "Well, Cousin, at least you made it quick and painful,"
Balki sighs. Larry explains that he didn't destroy he mural and that he
dropped the sledgehammer on his foot. Balki says he's proud and Larry
points out that he didn't do it on purpose. "I mean I'm proud of you
for not destroying the mural," Balki explains. "I went off the
deep end again," Larry sighs, "It was just plain greed. You
might find this hard to believe, Balki, but sometimes I get greedy and lose
control." "You might find this hard to believe, Cousin, but I
don't find that hard to believe," Balki says. "No, I guess
not," Larry sighs. "But, Cousin, look on the bright side,"
Balki offers, "You were lured to the edge of the 'Chasm of Greed' but you
didn't fall in. It takes a good man to resist the chasm."
"You think so?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I know so," Balki
confirms. There is a knock on the door. "You stay there and
rest that foot, Cousin," Balki urges, "I'll get it." Balki
opens the door and Jennifer and Mary Anne enter. "Hi, guys,"
Jennifer smiles, then notices the room, "What happened here?"
"Are you having a garage sale?" Mary Anne asks, "How much do you
want for this cute little carving?" "We're not selling
anything," Larry tells them, "I moved all this out of Balki's bedroom
because I thought Lowell Harris hid one of his poems there. But I didn't
find it." "Too bad," Jennifer says, "That would have
really helped with the Landmark Commission." "We've just come
from there," Mary Anne adds, "They're considering our
application." "I'll keep my eyes crossed, my little lamb
stew," Balki promises. "Thanks, Balki," Mary Anne says,
"And thanks for all your help with the research, Larry."
Jennifer and Mary Anne ad-lib goodbyes and exit. "I guess we should
get these things back in your room," Larry suggests, "I hope I
remember how the bookcase was attached to the wall." They take hold
of the bookcase. "You don't have to worry, Cousin," Balki says,
"There's a set of instructions on the back." Larry looks at the
back of the bookcase. He takes off a piece of paper that has been attached
to it. "Balki, these aren't instructions. It's Lowell Harris'
poem, 'Iridescence.'" Larry starts to read the poem to himself.
"Cousin, now the building will surely be made a landmark," Balki
enthuses. "Balki, this is the most beautiful poem I've ever
read," Larry says, overcome with emotion. He hands it to Balki, who
is also overcome. "Oh, Cousin, you're right." "Let's
go show it to Jennifer and Mary Anne," Larry suggests, "This poem has
everything. Beauty. Emotion. Imagery. I bet this goes
for a lot more than twenty five grand." "Cousin, that's the
chasm calling," Balki warns. "You're right," Larry agrees,
"Here, you take it. I'm weak. Don't let me touch it until we
get to the museum." Balki and Larry exit.
The shooting draft dated
October 11, 1989, is very close to the final episode as it aired, but there are
a few differences, plus some of the segments were filmed but cut from the
episode:
- The episode
begins the same as what aired. When Larry mentions that Lowell Kelly is a
minor poet, Balki replies, "He worked in the mines, too? That wasn't
mentioned anywhere." "I mean compared to poets like Sandburg and
Frost, his work wasn't very good," Larry explains, "Compared to Dr.
Suess it wasn't very good." After Balki says "It also means
Lowell Kelly's last poem is hidden somewhere in our apartment," Larry asks,
"What are you talking about?" "They say just before he
died, he hid his last poem in his apartment . . . our apartment," Balki
explains, "Cousin, wouldn't it be fun to spend the weekend looking for that
poem?" This is when Larry says they should do the world favor
and let it stay hidden. Balki's line about the Mona Lisa is not in this
script. Larry asks, "Five thousand dollars for a poem?" and
Balki says, "Well, it was an original manuscript in his own
handwriting." Balki's description of the corned beef sandwich is the
same except he doesn't say "sliced diagonally" here. After he
runs out, Larry looks in his rolodex and starts to dial the phone when Balki
runs back in and Larry hangs up. "Cousin, do you want the yellow
mustard or the brown?" "Brown," Larry answers.
"White, wheat or rye?" Balki asks. "Roll," Larry
answers. Balki exits and Larry crosses to the stairs and fakes sound of
steps going up, then crosses back to his desk and redials the phone. His
conversation is pretty much the same, except he asks for someone named Frank
first.
- In the second scene,
Balki isn't behind the refrigerator and doesn't find his Myposian Microwave
Cookbook. Instead he is looking into a pipe he has taken from under the
sink. After Balki apologizes for accusing Larry of not doing any of the
work, Larry asks if he looked behind the refrigerator. Instead of saying,
"Happiness. Right. Okay!" Larry says, "Yeah, that's
great." After Balki says on Mypos he used to shove things up the
chimney, Larry says, "Well, we're not on Mypos so we can eliminate the
chimney." "But, Cousin, it's an excellent hiding place,"
Balki notes. "Balki, I'm not looking up the chimney." This
is when Balki says, "Cousin, it wouldn't kill you to look up the
chimney. You made me take the stove apart." "Alright, I'll
look up the chimney," Larry agrees, looking in. "Only if you
sincerely believe it might be up there," Balki adds. The rest of the
scene is the same.
- The next scene
begins with Balki and Larry on the couch. Larry is trying to open the box
while Balki wipes off the last of the soot from Larry's face. "I know
this hasn't been fun for you, Cousin," Balki says, "but it's going to
be all worth it when we give Lowell Kelly's last poem to the world."
After Larry reads the "Roses are red . . . " beginning of the clue,
Balki says, "Oh yeah, yeah, that's Kelly alright. Oh, yeah.
Good rhyme scheme. Effective meter. Scans nicely. The man was
a genius. I don't know why he fell into disfavor in the sixties."
- After Larry asks if
they aren't doing this to bring happiness to the world, he asks, "Aren't
we?" "Well, I am," Balki says. "I am, too,"
Larry insists, "Now, help me look for the poem." Following the
instructions "From the front door with zest . . . " Larry and
Balki begin pacing in different directions. "Cousin, what are you
doing?" Balki asks, "This is west." "Balki, I should
know west," Larry argues, "I was born in this country."
"Well, in my country the sun sinks in the west," Balki notes.
"It does the same thing here, Balki," Larry assures him. Balki
points to the window. "Let me just ask you. Isn't that the sun
out that window?" "Yes," Larry confirms. "Yes,
that's the sun," Balki says, "And isn't it sinking?"
"Yes." "So if that's the sun and it's sinking, wouldn't
that be . . . " "Okay, okay," Larry agrees impatiently.
- When they come up
upon the wall after only five steps, Larry is confused. "Perhaps
Kelly had short legs," Balki suggests. "Shorter than mine?"
Larry asks. "Point well taken," Balki agrees. After Larry
goes into the closet, Balki says, "Well, okay, Cousin, but don't hand from
the clothes pole again. It really doesn't make you taller. And it
wrinkles the winter clothes." The scene ends with them going into
Balki's bedroom and this was originally supposed to be the end of act one.
- In this script the
mural is described as "a primitive painting that depicts the birth of Larry
and Balki's friendship." The scene is the same as shown until Larry
reaches for the figurines. "Wait a minute, Cousin," Balki says,
"You're about to touch a complete set of Moogli carvings."
"Moogli carvings?" Larry asks. "The famous woodcarver,
Hoogli Moogli would carve a different animal every year for the Myposian
Zucchini Fest. I'm the only one, besides Hoogli himself, who has a
complete set. He keeps his hidden in his chimney." "That's
great," Larry says without interest, "Let's just get them off the
shelf." "Wait, Cousin," Balki argues, "To you this may
just be a shelf. But to Zina, Zygote and Zasu it's home. To say
nothing of Xyloo, Zulu and Zabar." This is when Larry tells Balki to
move them but to hurry up.
- After Balki insists
he would never forget the Pledge of Allegiance, Larry adds, "Oh, you
wouldn't mean to, but it would happen. Then pretty soon you'd be jay
walking, littering, tearing the tags off mattresses." "I don't
want to be a tag-tearing jaywalker," Balki says worriedly. "Then
you'd better get to class," Larry says. The rest of the scene is the
same.
- The description of
the destruction in Balki's bedroom is the same as in the first draft
script. After Larry says, "No need to thank me," Balki asks,
"For what?" After Larry suggests Balki can paint his mural a
second time, Balki cries, "Cousin, I don't want to do it a second
time. There's only one of these in me." Later, after Balki
says, "This isn't about bringing happiness to the world. This is
about bringing money to Larry Appleton," he says, "I should have
known. All the danger signs were there. The sudden interest in a
minor poet. The maniacal obsession with blueprints. And the most
telling of all, the compelling desire to use power tools. Cousin, you lied
to me." "Of course I lied to you," Larry agrees,
"Otherwise you would have given my some cornball Myposian story about the
'Pit of Avarice,' or the 'Abyss of Desire,' or the . . . 'Valley of the
Dolls.'" "Cousin, we're not talking about some metaphorical
myth," Balki insists, "We're talking about the 'Chasm of
Greed.'" "That is a metaphor," Larry argues.
"But it's not a myth," Balki states, "The 'Chasm of Greed' is a
real place. Once upon a time on Mypos there was a man named Velcros, the
tailor, who lived with his family on the banks of a beautiful river. Then
one day, he heard there was gold in a chasm near Mount Mypos and he decided to
go find it. His family begged him not to leave, they were happy with what
they had. But he would not hear them and went off in search of the
gold. After years of searching, he indeed found the chasm. He
climbed in and filled his pockets with as much gold as he could carry.
When he made his way back to his home, he saw his family on the other side of
the river. They were overjoyed to see him. In his excitement to show
them the gold, he jumped into the river and started swimming across. But
the gold was too heavy and started pulling him down. His family begged him
to let go of the gold, but Velcros loved the gold too much and refused to let
go. He was pulled to the bottom where he drowned. Ever since that
day the river has been called the 'River of Retribution' and the chasm became
known as 'The Chasm of Greed.'" "But he found the gold,
right?" Larry points out. "Yes, but at what price? His
greed changed him and cost him his life." "Balki, it won't
change me," Larry says, "I promise." "Wait, Cousin, it
already has changed you." This is when Larry swings and Balki tries
to block the mural. The 'Stop in the Name of Love' line is not in this
script. The rest of the scene is the same. (Editor's note: the
long story about the gold and the chasm were filmed, but the name Great Gorge of
Greed was used instead)
- The last scene is
mostly the same, except after Balki speculates that maybe Larry enjoys the view,
Larry says, "I'm sorry about destroying your room." "Well,
I still have the mural," Balki points out, "I can rebuild around
it." The poem is still attached to the back of the bookcase in this
version and not one of the drawers. After Larry reads the last Lowell
Kelly clue in which he reveals it's all been a wild goose chase, Balki does not
comment on the poem. Instead, Larry is about to tear it up when Balki
stops him. "Wait a minute, Cousin. That's in Lowell Kelly's
handwriting. It might be worth something at the auction
tomorrow." "That's great, Balki," Larry says happily,
"Maybe we could take a little vacation with the money."
"Good idea, Cousin," Balki agrees, "We'll use what's left over
after we finish repairing my room." "Right," Larry sighs.
- Below is the
production schedule for the week of the filming of this episode:
At the back of this script
are four scripts for Self Esteem PSA's for ABC's One to One commercials.
- The first one, titled "Language
Barrier" is about Balki's concern about his accent. A couple of lines
in the script did not appear in the completed spot. After Balki says,
"I have an accent," Larry says, incredulously, "You
do?" "Yes, yes. I really do," Balki answers.
"So what?" Larry asks. "So what?" Balki cries,
"Cousin, here I am trying to blend into my new country and I stick out like
a broken thumb." This is when Larry tells Balki his accent is nothing
to be ashamed of.
- The second spot, entitled "Help" is
about Balki wanting to help Larry carry a heavy pile of books. Some
variations here including Larry saying, "I've got it. I'll just rest
here for a second." "Cousin, why won't you let me help
you?" Balki asks. "Balki, you've got your own work to do.
I don't want to bother you," Larry explains. The rest of the script
is the same.
- The next segment is called
"Responsibility" and involves Balki taking care of Miss Lydia's
plant. Some differences in the script are at the beginning when Balki is
watering the plant and says, "Special treat for you today, Phil. It's
mountain spring water. Oh, no need to thank me." After Larry
says, "Ready to go, Balki?" Balki answers, "Almost, Cousin,"
and then to Phil says, "Now, doesn't that feel good?" The rest
is more or less the same, except the last line when Larry says to the plant,
"So, Phil, got any plans for the weekend?"
- The final spot, entitled "Compromise"
entails Balki and Larry compromising on where they want to go to lunch.
The script is pretty much the same as what was aired.
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