Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 77 - Dog Day Midafternoon

First Air Date: October 20, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Guest Cast:
George Wyner: Marvin Berman

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode

Balki-isms:
"When they launder money, do they have to wash the tens and the twenties separately?"
"No, it’s English."
"They’re going to give you so much credit that you won’t have to carry cash for a year!"
"They went to the TV station to be on Nightline with Ted Koppel live from Chicago via cellulite."
"This nice man wants to talk to you about the money in the washing machine article."
"This must have been some whirlpool romance!"
"If you ask me, you can’t see DeForest Kelley for the trees."
"Well, isn’t that the undergarment of the year?"

Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
" . . . question . . . "
"Wwowwww!"
"Oh my Lord!"
"Yes, yes it would."
Balki’s "Huh?"
"Do something!"
"Oh, right!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry chooses to answer one of Balki’s questions with a confirmation rather than try to explain anything further
Larry’s breathy laugh
Mary Anne bends Balki over backwards to kiss him

Notable Moment: Larry writes his first front page story for The Chronicle

Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode was based on the 1975 Al Pacino movie, Dog Day Afternoon, in which a bank robbery goes awry and turns into a hostage situation and media circus.  The film was based on a 1972 Life magazine article about similar events which took place in Brooklyn, New York.
- The unseen investigative reporting team of Marshall and Walpole again play a pivotal role in this episode when they don’t give Larry any credit for all his research on their five-page money laundering article.
- Balki mention that Marshall and Walpole are scheduled to appear on Nightline with Ted Koppel.  The evening news magazine first aired on ABC in 1980 and still runs to this day, although Ted Koppel retired from the program near the end of 2005.
- Belita Moreno originally appeared in this episode as Lydia but her part was cut.  To find out what her segment was about, read the Script Variations below.
- George Wyner played accountant turned terrorist Marvin Berman so well in this episode that he would return later in the season to portray Marvin again in the episode A Blast from the Past.  He would be the second criminal the cousins encounter to make a return appearance (the first being John Del Regno as Vince Lucas.  George Wyner is a notable character actor with many, many credits to his name, including recurring roles on the original Bob Newhart Show, Rhoda, All in the Family, WKRP in Cincinnati, Soap, Nero Wolfe, Matt Houston, Hill Street Blues, She’s the Sheriff, Days of our Lives not to mention notable movie roles in The Odd Couple and Spaceballs.  He would also return to Perfect Strangers in the seventh season episode Stress Test.
- The shot of the police cars in front of Chronicle with their lights flashing is a fancy bit of superimposition with the police cars added into an already existing establishing shot of the building.
- Balki mentions the all new Columbo, which starred Peter Falk as the unique, raincoat-wearing detective.  The series was originally a big hit for NBC, but in 1989 the show was revived by ABC with occasional made-for-TV movies.  There was even a series of commercials starring various ABC stars doing their best Columbo impersonations, one of which featured Mark Linn-Baker.  You can now view this commercial on our YouTube Channel.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- On the establishing shot of the apartment building a very dim light can be seen through the shades of the apartment.  But when we cut to the interior, all the lights in the apartment are off.
- In the bomb timer countdown sequence the timer is set for ten minutes, but the actual amount of time that elapses is just under six minutes.
- When Larry is talking about no one patting him on the back during the work day, he is standing behind his briefcase on the desk.  A moment later, he is suddenly standing behind a book next to his desk.  To understand why this happened, read the Script Variations below.
- Balki is excited to get his name mentioned in the paper, but this wasn’t the first time this had happened.  Balki actually received credit for helping with Larry's article in the episode Prose and Cons.

Synopsis:
The episode begins at the cousins’ apartment one evening.  Jennifer, Larry, Balki and Mary Anne enter the dark apartment.  Jennifer switches the lights on saying, "This is very exciting!"  They all hurry to the couch and sit down.  Larry is carrying a stack of newspapers.  "An article by Larry Appleton on the front page of the Chronicle!" Jennifer continues.  "Well, actually, it’s by Marshall and Walpole," Larry explains, "But they’ll mention that I worked on it.  After all, without my research there’d be no article."  Larry unfolds one of the newspapers to show them.  "Well, here it is," Mary Anne points out, "‘Money Laundering in Chicago - A Dirty Business.’  Nifty title, Larry."  "Well, actually, Marshall thought of the title," Larry admits, "But I put in the punctuation."  "Cousin, question," Balki interrupts, "When they launder money, do they have to wash the tens and the twenties separately?"

"No, Balki, money laundering is taking money that’s been made illegally and funneling it through a legitimate business so that it’s not traceable to the illegal source," Larry explains.  "Oh, oh oh oh," Balki smiles, "I get it.  So . . . is static cling a problem?"  Larry takes a moment to answer, finally saying, "Not if they use a fabric softener."  "Larry, I don’t see your name here," Jennifer says.  "Well, it wouldn’t be on the front page," Larry says, "But at the end of the article they always mention all the people who contributed to the story."  Larry opens the newspaper and scans the page with Balki.  "Oh, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, I see something!" Balki cries, "I see something!  And it’s even printed in those little slanty letters."  "Italics," Larry explains.  "No, it’s English," Balki counters.  Larry reads from the paper, "‘The Chronicle’s investigative reporting team of Marshall and Walpole has won two Pulitzer Prizes.’"  There is a pause, Balki waiting in anticipation and Larry’s expression dropping in realization.

"That’s it?" Larry asks, "No ‘Research by Larry Appleton?’  No ‘Special Thanks to Larry Appleton?’  No ‘We Would Have Been Lost Without Larry Appleton?’"  "Cousin, slow down, what was that last one?" Balki asks, still looking over the page.  "Oh, forget it," Larry says, "They didn’t mention me at all."  Balki looks shocked, then sympathetic.  "Oh, Cousin . . . don’t be too bummed out.  Your time will come, you just have to be patient."  "Balki’s right," Jennifer offers, "Larry, I’ve been a flight attendant for the last five years and I didn’t think anyone even noticed me, then yesterday they made me head of my own flight crew."  "Congratulations!" Balki smiles.  "Well, that’s wonderful!" Larry agrees.  Mary Anne doesn’t look too happy.  "You didn’t tell me that," she points out.  "Well, I . . . I was waiting for the right time," Jennifer says, realizing she's been caught.  "But that’s not fair," Mary Anne complains, "I work just as hard as you have and I’m only head of beverage service . . . in smoking!"

"Maybe we better go," Jennifer decides, getting up and walking around the back of the couch to the door, "I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Larry."  "Bye," Larry says.  "Bye," Jennifer replies.  Mary Anne gets up and meets Jennifer at the door.  "You weren’t going to tell me, were you?"  "I was going to tell you," Jennifer assures her as she opens the door.  "When?" Mary Anne asks, "At 30,000 feet when I’m choking on second-hand smoke?"  They leave. Larry is still looking at the newspaper.  "Can you believe that?" he asks.  "No, I can’t," Balki says, "That second-hand smoke can be pretty nauseating."  "No, Balki, I mean Marshall and Walpole do a five page story and they don’t give me any credit."  "Now listen, Cousin," Balki begins, "Listen, all your friends at the paper know how hard you worked on that article.  And you can bet they’re going to give you credit."  "They will?" Larry asks hopefully.  "They’re going to give you so much credit you won’t have to carry cash for a year!" Balki assures him.  "Well, I’d be happy with a few pats on the back for a job well done," Larry confesses.  "Well, Cousin, if that’s all you need, here’s your first!" Balki slaps Larry very hard on the back, knocking Larry forward.

The next afternoon at the Chicago Chronicle, everyone is leaving after a day of work.  Larry is packing his briefcase at his desk with Balki standing by.  "Well, Balki," Larry sighs, "almost everyone’s gone home and I’ve heard a lot of compliments for Marshall and Walpole . . . and I’m still waiting for my first pat on the back."  "Well, uh, Cousin . . . you know, uh . . . remember?" Balki hedges.  "Sorry, my second pat on the back," Larry corrects.  Larry picks up a couple of books.  "Balki, I’m gonna take these books back to the archives and then we can get out of here," Larry sighs sadly.  Balki stops at his work table, looking sad.  A man wearing a long coat enters from the parking garage and spots Balki.  "Excuse me," he says as he approaches, "Uh . . . I’m looking for Marshall and Walpole."  "Oh, they’re not here," Balki explains, "They went to the TV station to be on 'Nightline' with Ted Koppel live from Chicago via cellulite."  "But I have to talk to somebody," the man sighs, "It’s about that money laundering article ."

"Oh, oh, wait, wait!" Balki says excitedly, "You can talk to my Cousin Larry.  He’s one of the Chronicle’s top reporters and not many people know this . . . in fact, nobody seems to know it . . . but if it wasn’t for Cousin Larry that article would never have been written."  "Well, then, he is the man that I want to talk to," the man agrees.  Larry enters from the archives.  "Come on, Balki, let’s hit the road," he sighs.  "Cousin, Cousin, Cousin," Balki stops him, "This nice man wants to talk to you about the money in the washing machine article."  "Yeah, yeah, I know," Larry scoffs, "Great article.  Wonderfully written.  Another Pulitzer Prize for Marshall and Walpole.  Thanks for dropping by."  Larry starts to leave.  "Cousin," Balki says worriedly as Larry walks toward his desk to get his briefcase.  "Well, you may think that it’s wonderfully written but I don’t," the man states, "I’ve never seen an article so riddled with inaccuracies in my whole life."  "How about that, Cousin?" Balki asks happily, "People are starting to notice!"  "Well, maybe you should get your eyes examined," Larry argues, "because I personally checked and double checked every fact myself."  "Is he good or what?" Balki asks the man, pointing to Larry.

"Well, then you should have triple checked them because that article was filled with half truths, fabrications and downright misrepresentations," the man comments.  "Wwowww, Cousin!" Balki gasps, "Sounds like you’ve got yourself a fan!"  "All right, now wait a minute," Larry begins angrily, "I broke my back on that article!  I worked nights, weekends . . . I haven’t had lunch for a month! I don’t believe this!"  "I don’t either!" Balki smiles, hugging Larry tightly.  "I spend all day waiting for any kind of acknowledgment and my first pat on the back is a slap in the face."  "Um . . . second pat on the back," Balki reminds him.  "Oh, yeah, all right, sorry, sorry," Larry offers, "Thank you so very very much."  He turns back to the man.  "Now, get out of here before I throw you out!" Larry threatens.  "Oh, I’m not leaving until I get satisfaction," the man insists.  "Oh, fine . . . you stay.  We’re leaving," Larry dismisses him as he and Balki head to the parking garage.  The man steps around them to cut them off.  "Well, uh, actually . . . uh, nobody is going anywhere."  "Oh really?" Larry asks, "And how are you going to stop us?"  "With this," the man answers, opening his coat to reveal numerous sticks of dynamite and a timer wrapped around his chest.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry gasps as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins in the Chronicle basement a short while later.  The man is finishing tying Larry and Balki to a rolling chair where they are seated back to back.  "You know, actually I didn’t really have that much to do with the article," Larry insists, "I mean the real research research was done by people much higher up than I am.  I just handled the . . . spelling."  The man gets up from in front of Larry and moves around to Balki to tighten his knots.  "Don’t you listen to him," Balki says, "Cousin Larry’s just being modest.  The truth of the matter is if it hadn’t have been for Cousin Larry that article would never have been printed."  "Could you tape his mouth?" Larry asks.  The man finishes with the knot and asks Balki, "That’s not too tight, is it?"  "No, it’s quite comfortable, thank you," Balk says, "But you know, next time you might want to think about using a sheep shank knot.  It allows some freedom of movement with a minimum of chafing."  "I can do a sheep shank," the man states, "I used to sail."  "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims, "You know a sheep shank knot?"  The man gets down to retie the knot.

"Balki!" Larry cries.  "Yeah, huh?" Balki asks.  "He’s not going for a merit badge!" Larry points out, "He’s threatening to blow us up!"  "Well, how would he do that?" Balki asks.  "He has twenty sticks of dynamite strapped . . . "  "Twenty-four," the man corrects.  " . . . twenty-four sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest!" Larry finishes.  Balki look at the dynamite and then back to Larry.  "They’re not purely decorative?" he asks.  "No, they’re not purely decorative," Larry sneers.  "Well, then . . . uh . . . that would constitute a . . . a bomb," Balki realizes.  "Yes, yes it would," Larry confirms.  "This man could blow us up," Balki states, as Larry gives him a look.  More quietly, Balki adds, "We should never have let him tie us to this chair."  Larry rolls his eyes.  The man finishes with the knots and walks to Larry’s desk.  "Who are you?  Why are you doing this?" Larry asks.  "Who am I?" the man asks in frustration.  "And why are you doing this?" Balki asks.  "And why am I doing this?" the man repeats, "Ho!  Some fine reporter you are.  You don’t even know who Marvin Berman is."

Marvin sighs.  "But then that’s the story of my life.  I do all the work and someone else takes all the credit."  Marvin looks at Balki and Larry in earnest, saying, "Well, I need to be given some credit, too.  I need to be recognized!  I need to be acknowledged!  I need my own place in the sun!"  "Sounds like you need a Club Med vacation," Balki notes.  Marvin studies Balki and says, "You’re foreign, aren’t you?"  Balki smiles.  Mr. Gorpley exits his office and sees Balki and Larry tied to the chair.  Marvin holds his coat closed and tries to act casual, walking to the other side of Gorpley.  "Bartokomous, play cowboys and Indians on your own time," Gorpley snaps, then turns to Marvin, saying, "And you . . . you don’t even work here.  Take a hike."  "Gorpley, don’t antagonize him," Larry warns, "He’s got a bomb!"  "A bomb?" Gorpley smirks, laughing, "Yeah right!  A bomb!"  He laughs harder and turns to see Marvin with his coat open and the bomb exposed.  "A bomb!" Gorpley realizes with shock, his laughter turning to fear, "Oh my God, he’s got a bomb!"

Mr. Gorpley begs to Marvin, "Please . . . please, you have got to let me go.  I have got four kids and a pregnant wife at home."  "Mr. Gorpley!" Balki exclaims, "This must have been some whirlpool romance!  Just this morning you were single!"  "Shouldn’t you tape his mouth?" Mr. Gorpley asks Marvin.  "Okay, okay . . . how about this?" Gorpley asks, then starts to beg, "Please, please!  I’m begging you!  I’m young . . . I’ve got my whole life ahead of me!"  "It’s okay, it’s okay," Marvin assures him, "Look look look . . . I’ve already got hostages."  "Oh," Mr. Gorpley notes.  "But you . . . you can tell the police and the news media."  "Oh, I can do that," Gorpley nods.  "Tell them that I’m holding your two friends prisoner and if I don’t get what I want I’m blowing this building to kingdom come."

The next scene shows a large amount of police cars parked in front of the Chronicle Building with their lights on.  It is now evening.  Inside, Marvin is on the phone.  "All right, listen Lieutenant . . . the next time this phone rings it better be the publisher.  Now, you’ve got exactly ten minutes or I am blowing this building up and I am setting the timer now."  Marvin hangs up the phone and starts to set the timer on his bomb.  "No, hey, uh . . . Marvin, Marvin," Larry cries, trying to distract him, "Uh, question here."  "What is it?" Marvin asks impatiently.  "Well, I uh . . . just out of idle curiosity . . . wh . . . wh . . . what is it that you want?"  "What is it I want?" Marvin asks, "Well, all right . . . "  He moves to Balki’s work table.  " . . . I will tell you exactly what it is that I want."  "Excuse me, excuse me, Marvin," Balki interrupts, "Before you get bogged down in the details, aren’t you forgetting something?"  "No, I don’t think so," Marvin says emphatically.  "Yes . . . you were about to set your timer," Balki reminds him.  Larry gapes at Balki in disbelief.  Marvin looks down at the timer and rolls his eyes.  "Thanks," he says, "Where is my head?"  He sets the timer for ten minutes and hits the start button, the clock beginning to count down.

"Why did you tell him to set the timer?" Larry asks Balki.  "Because if he doesn’t set the timer . . . " Balki begins, then breaths in, realization grasping him.  Balki gets a pained look and admits, "Bad move, huh?"  "Marvin, why are you doing this over a silly article?" Larry asks.  "Because it gave all the credit to that idiot boss of mine," Marvin explains, "when the real mastermind behind the money laundering scheme . . . was me."  "You?" Larry asks.  "Yes," Marvin insists, "I set up the dummy corporations.  I set up the fake bank accounts.  I picked out the office furniture."  "Why haven’t I ever heard of you?" Larry asks.  "I’ve been your roommate for three years," Balki points out.  "Not you!  Not you!" Larry yells, "Him!  Why haven’t I ever heard of him!?"  "Well, how should I know?" Balki asks, "Marvin, could you enlighten us?"  "Because I am just the accountant," Marvin explains, "and no one pays any attention to the accountant.  But they will now.  When I talk to the publisher I’m going to demand recognition.  I’m gonna make The Chronicle print a retraction."

"A retraction!" Larry cries excitedly, "A retraction!  Good idea!  Now that’s constructive!  But what kind of retraction?  A complete retraction?  A partial retraction?  Marvin!  Marvin!  Marvin!  You should know exactly what you want before the publisher calls because, you know, we don’t have a lot of . . . time here."  "You know, you’re absolutely right!" Marvin agrees, "I didn’t think this far ahead!  Well, I’ve been kind of busy.  I had to go all the way to Skokie to get the timer."  "Well, Marvin, you should have gone to Sal’s Hardware on Lincoln Avenue," Balki says, "They got everything!  You know what they say . . . ‘If Sal don’t have it, you don’t need it.’"  "Well, Marvin, listen," Larry says, "you should write down your demands.  Why don’t you just take a few moments, you know, private moments for yourself, away from all this hustle and this bustle.  You know, there’s a private office back there."  Larry motions to Mr. Gorpley’s office with his head.  "That’s a good idea," Marvin agrees, "All right, um . . . I’ll be right back."  Marvin steps into the office.

"Come on, Balki, let’s get out of here," Larry suggests, "Head for the loading dock!"  They start to spin the chair toward the loading dock, kicking off with their legs.  Marvin exits the office, looking at a piece of paper, and calls, "Hey guys?"  Balki and Larry spin back into the basement and stop with Larry propping his legs up on his desk and Balki bent over forward.  "Can I run this by you?" Marvin asks, "What do you think I should call myself?  Criminal mastermind or diabolical genius?"  "Diabolical genius," Balki thinks aloud, "I don’t know . . . it’s a little too Batman."  "Marvin, listen," Larry says, lowering his legs from the desk and spinning toward him, "You know, I think this whole bomb thing is a wrong way to go.  I mean, even if they print a retraction I don’t see how you can avoid going to jail."  "Well, he could turn state’s evidence," Balki suggests.  "State’s evidence?" Marvin asks.  "Yes!" Balki says, spinning around to face Marvin, "That way you could tell your side of the story, get the recognition you so richly deserve, participate in the Federal Witness Protection Program and avoid a lengthy prison term."

"Balki, where did you learn about state’s evidence?" Larry asks.  "On the all new ‘Columbo,’" Balki answers.  "Marvin!" Larry says, spinning to face him again, "Balki’s right.  If you turn yourself in, testify against your boss, you’ll not only get the credit but you’ll also be a hero!"  "Me?" Marvin asks.  "Yes!"  "A hero?"  "Absolutely!" Larry confirms, "And you know what happens to heroes."  "People Magazine?" Marvin asks.  "And talk shows," Larry adds, "Maybe even a book!  I’d help you write it!  The sooner you untie us, the sooner I can get the wheels in motion!"  "I’ll do it!" Marvin exclaims, stooping down to untie Larry and Balki.  "Oh, and uh, you know, uh . . . Marvin . . . you also might want to turn off your bomb," Larry points out.  "Oh!  Of course," Marvin agrees, "You know, I never really meant it to go this far anyway."  Larry works his hands free from the ropes as Marvin stands up and fiddles with the timer.  "I hate these digital clocks," Marvin complains.

Larry and Balki get free from the ropes when Marvin says, "Guys?  Guys, it won’t turn off."  Marvin keeps pressing a button but the clock continues to count down from just under three minutes.  "Well, you should have gone to Sal’s, I’m not going to say it again," Balki scolds.  Larry and Balki get to their feet and Larry cries, "Marvin!  Do something!"  "Don’t rush me!" Marvin cries, "I’m not good under pressure.  All right, now listen . . . I just have to disconnect it, so I just have to pull the red wire.  Or is the white one?  I don’t know!  Oh, oh guys, guys, I’m no good in the field.  I’m just an idea man.  Whoa!"  Marvin stumbles a bit.  "Oh, I feel kind of sick.  I think I better sit down, I feel like I’m gonna faint."  Marvin sits down on Balki’s table and starts to fall back.  "No!  No!" Larry cries, running to Marvin and grabbing his coat lapels.  "I am!  I am!" Marvin cries.  "No, no, Marvin, Marvin, you can’t faint now!" Larry insists, as he holds Marvin up and Balki lightly pats Marvin’s cheeks, "Marvin, Marvin, you all right?  All right?  Okay?"  "Okay, okay," Marvin says, "I’m okay."  Larry lets go with a sigh of relief.  Marvin immediately fall backwards across the table in a dead faint.  "Oh my God," Larry gasps, "He’s out cold.  Balki, we’ve only got a minute!  Let’s get out of here!"

Larry runs for the parking garage but Balki steps over to Marvin and lightly pats the man’s face.  Larry stops, yelling, "Balki!"  "Cousin, I can’t leave him like this," Balki insists, patting Marvin’s hand, "I’ve got to try to turn off the bomb.  Go ahead without me."  Larry cringes, sighing, "I hate when you do this."  He runs back to Balki.  "All right, all right, let me try it!  Get out of the way!  Get out of the way!"  "Cousin, Cousin, I think that . . . " Balki starts, but Larry pushes him out of the way.  "All right, red wire, white wire," Larry mumbles, "uh . . . red light at night, sailor’s delight.  Who cares about sailors?  A green wire!  He didn’t say anything about a green wire!  Marvin!  Marvin!"  Larry lifts the unconscious Marvin by the lapels, "What about the green wire, Marvin?  Tell us about the green wire!  Marvin!  Marvin!"  Balki is trying to get Larry’s attention and finally grabs his head and turns his face around to look at him.  Larry lets Marvin drop back onto the table.  "I’m going to try the red one," Balki says.  "No, Balki don’t!" Larry cries, "What if we make a mistake?"  "Well, Cousin, we’ve got five seconds left!" Balki points out, "What’s the worst that could happen?"  Larry lets this sink in then cries, "Do it!" as he cringes.  Balki pulls the red wire out of the bomb and the clock stops counting down.  After a moment, Larry realizes they are saved and cries, "Balki!  You did it!  You did it!  We’re alive!"  They hug one another.

At the apartment the next night, Larry, Mary Anne, Jennifer and Balki are sitting on the couch as Larry reads to them from a copy of The Chronicle.  There is a pile of papers on the coffee table as well.  "‘Police took Marvin Berman to Chicago General where he is being held for psychiatric observation.’"  "Oh Larry, you’re first front page story," Jennifer smiles, "I’m so proud of you."  She kisses him.  Mary Anne turns to Balki and says, "Oh Balki . . . your first bomb diffusing.  I’m so proud of you."  Balki leans his cheek toward Mary Anne for a kiss, but she grabs him roughly and bends him over backwards on the couch to kiss him instead.  "Well, uh . . . we better get going," Jennifer says.  Mary Anne drops Balki.  "I have to be in at work by seven," Jennifer notes, getting up with Mary Anne.  "I thought we didn’t have to be at work until ten," Mary Anne says.  "Well, the head of the flight crew has to get in early," Jennifer explains.  "Oh, throw it in my face, why don’t you?" Mary Anne pouts.  "What is your problem?" Jennifer asks as they head for the door, "You acted the same way when I was elected class treasurer."  "You were elected class treasurer?" Mary Anne cries, "Another thing you never told me!"  "Mary Anne, you were my campaign manager," Jennifer reminds her.  "Oh right!" Mary Anne remembers, and the girls leave.

"Cousin, look at this," Balki points to the newspaper, "Here’s another article about Marvin."  Larry look at the paper, saying, "Really?  ‘Marvin Berman, self-confessed criminal master mind . . . ‘"  "Oh, I’m glad he went with criminal mastermind," Balki nods.  "‘ . . . has opted to do a book telling his side of the story with Pulitzer Prize winning journalists Marshall and Walpole.’"  "Are those guys on a roll or what?" Balki asks.  "I don’t believe it!" Larry whines, "That book was my idea!  When am I gonna get a break?"  "Cousin, wait a minute!" Balki stops him, "Are you listening to yourself?"  "Well, Balki, all I want is the credit I deserve," Larry complains.  "Well, so did Marvin Berman, and look what happened to him," Balki points out, "Cousin, yesterday all you wanted was your name in little tiny letters at the end of a very long article. And today you got your name in big black letters on the front page.  And you still not happy.  If you ask me, you can’t see DeForest Kelley for the trees."

"I guess things are going pretty well, aren’t they?" Larry smiles.  "Well, isn’t that the undergarment of the year?" Balki replies.  Larry picks up the paper again and asks, "Balki, don’t you wanna read my article?"  "Why, Cousin?" Balki asks, "You already read it to us, and very well I might add."  "Well, you might at least take a look at the very end," Larry prods, handing Balki the paper.  Balki looks at the article and reads, "‘Balki Bartokomous contributed to this article.’  My name in the paper!  Wait until Mama sees this!"  Balki hugs Larry around the shoulders, saying, "Thank you, Cousin."  "You’re welcome," Larry smiles.  "Listen, Cousin," Balki continues, "Maybe someday the team of Bartokomous and Appleton will win a Pulitzer Prize."  Balki motions for Larry to think about it with him.  Larry does, but then says, "Appleton and Bartokomous."  "You’re absolutely right, yeah," Balki agrees, as the episode comes to an end.

Script Variations:
There are several differences between the first draft script dated August 30, 1989 and the final episode:
- In this version, Marvin's last name is Snider, not Berman.
- The episode begins the same, except everyone is carrying a stack of newspapers, not just Larry.  Each of them looks at their own copy of the newspaper.  After Larry explains that everyone who worked on the article will be named at the end, Balki says, "Last one to the end of the article is a rotten (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN)."  They all scan the article.  Larry reads, "'Please see page eight, column one.'"  They all turn to page eight and scan the article.  Balki reads, "'Please see page ten, column four.'"  They all turn to page ten and scan again.  Jennifer reads, "'Please see page twelve, column two.'"  Then they find the end of the article.
- After realizing his name is not mentioned, Larry complains, "I don't believe this.  I work my fingers to the bone for these guys and I don't even get a mention."  After Mary Anne and Jennifer exit, Larry says, "A twelve page article and they didn't even acknowledge my contribution.  It's not like they didn't have room."  "Now Cousin," Balki begins, "just because your name wasn't in the article doesn't mean you won't be acknowledged.  All your friends at the paper know how hard you worked on it.  And you can bet that they are going to acknowledge you to pieces when you go in tomorrow."  "Do you really think so?" Larry asks.  "Does a Mypiot sleep in the woods?" Balki asks.  Larry brightens, saying, "Maybe you're right, Balki.  My colleagues at the paper, the people who count, know how much I contributed.  I'll bet I get quite a few pats on the back for a job well done."  "And here's your first," Balki offers, patting Larry on the back, "Well done."  "Thanks, Balki," Larry smiles, then, "Now, what are we going to do with all these papers?"  "Mr. Peterman on the first floor just got a new puppy," Balki notes.  "Let's go," Larry agrees, as they gather the papers and head for the door.
- Scene B starts the same way for the first few lines about Larry not getting a pat on the back and Balki reminding him he has had one.  Lydia exits the elevator carrying a newspaper.  She crosses to Balki's mail table and drops off some mail.  "I can't get over that story on money laundering," she says, "It looks like another Pulitzer Prize for Marshall and Walpole.  They must be running out of wall space."  "You know, Miss Lydia, I'll bet Marshall and Walpole had a lot of help putting that article together," Balki hints, "Uncredited help, unacknowledged help, I might add."  "You're not kidding, Balki," Lydia agrees, "The research that went into that story must have taken weeks.  I was very impressed."  Balki speaks to Lydia confidentially, saying, "Miss Lydia, I think Cousin Larry would appreciate hearing that."  "I think I understand," Lydia nods, crossing to Larry.  "You know, Larry," she says, "I'm very close to Marshall and Walpole . . . (SMILING) . . . Especially Marshall.  Anyway, I know that they think very highly of your work."  "They do?" Larry asks hopefully.  "Yes," Lydia confirms, "And, take it from me, if you keep it up, eventually . . . "  She holds up the paper.  " . . . you'll get to work on a story like this."  Thinking she said the right thing, she winks at Balki and heads for the door, calling, "Goodnight, boys!"  "Well, Balki, I think I've had enough 'acclaim' for one day," Larry sighs, then takes a folder to the archives.
- When Marvin enters, he asks Balki about Marshall and Walpole, giving them first names!  "Excuse me.  I'm looking for Robert Marshall and Howard Walpole."  "Well, you're in the wrong city," Balki says, "They went to Washington D.C. to do 'Nightline.'"  Balki hums the Nightline theme.  "Ted Koppel said they could do it from Chicago, via cellulite, but Marshall and Walpole wanted to do it 'up close and personal.'"  Marvin is shaken, saying, "Oh . . . oh.  This is very upsetting.  I have to talk to them.  It's about that money laundering article."  "Well, perhaps you should talk to my Cousin Larry," Balki suggests, "Not many people know this . . . in fact, nobody seems to know this, but Cousin Larry had quite a bit to do with that article himself.  He's one of the Chronicle's top reporters, and I'm sure he could answer any question you have about it."  "Well . . . I guess he'll have to do," Marvin decides.
- When Larry enters and suggests they "hit the road," Balki says, "Cousin, before we do any road-hitting, this nice man wants to talk to you about the Marshall and Walpole article."  The dialogue between Larry and Marvin is the same in this part, except Balki does not interrupt enthusiastically at all.  After Marvin reveals the dynamite and Larry gasps, "Oh, my Lord," Balki says, "That is one terrific vest.  But it doesn't quite go with those pants."  "Balki, that's no vest," Larry explains, "it's dynamite.  This guy's a walking bomb."  On Balki and Larry's look, act one ends.
- Act two begins the same, except after Larry tries to distance himself from the article, Balki says, "Oh, Cousin, don't be modest.  You said Marshall and Walpole couldn't have written this article without you."  Larry doesn't ask Marvin to tape Balki's mouth.  Balki suggests a sheep shank knot but Marvin doesn't say he used to sail.
- When Gorpley enters and sees Larry and Balki tied up he says, "Bartokomous.  What are you guys doing out here?  Practicing some kind of magic trick?"  "Gorpley, this is no trick," Larry assures him, "He's holding us hostage.  He's got a bomb."  After Gorpley laughs and then reacts to the bomb he says, "But he can't have a bomb.  Not today.  Not on the one day in the entire year that I work late."  "Talk about bad timing," Balki comments.  Gorpley begs, saying, "Please, you've got to let me go.  I've got four kids and a pregnant wife at home.  They'd be lost without me."  "Mr. Gorpley, that must have been a whirlpool romance," Balki comments, "Just yesterday you said you'd never get married again."  After Gorpley tries begging again and Marvin explains Larry and Balki are his hostages, Marvin said, "I just want you to call the police and the news media.  Try to get that pretty newscaster on channel seven."  "Sure, no problem," Gorpley replies, suddenly calm.  "Tell them I'm holding your two friends prisoner and if I don't get what I want, I'm blowing this building to kingdom come," Marvin explains.  Gorpley repeats this as if remembering it, " . . . blowing this building to kingdom come.  Got it.  Catch you later."  Gorpley starts to leave, and as he passes Larry and Balki he says, "Learn to beg, Appleton.  It may save your life someday."  Gorpley heads for the exit.  "Goodnight, Mr. Gorpley," Balki calls after him, " . . . and congratulations on that new baby."  Larry reacts.
- The next scene starts with Marvin on the phone.  "I'm finished talking to you, lieutenant.  I want to talk to the publisher.  Either you get him or one of his best reporters is going to be history . . . Larry Appleton . . . Appleton.  Larry Appleton."  Marvin asks Larry and Balki, "How do you spell that?"  "A, double P, L, E, with a 'ton' at the end," Balki answers.  Marvin says into the receiver, "No, that's my other hostage . . . Balki Bartokomous . . . "  He holds the receiver to Balki's ear and says, "He wants to talk to you."  Balki talks into the phone.  "Hello . . . Oh, Phil, how are you doing?  Cousin, it's Lieutenant Farber.  You know, that nice policeman who can't get enough of those jelly donuts.  How's Phil Jr.?  Is he still wracking up the touchdowns at St. Joe's? . . . Really?  USC and UCLA?"  Larry loses it, shouting, "Balki, the man has a bomb.  Could you save the recruiting report for later?"  "Oh right," Balki says, then finishes, "Phil, the man has a bomb and I think he has a short fuse . . . I don't know, Phil, where do I come up with them?"  Marvin pulls the phone away.  "Listen, Phil, the next time this phone rings, it better be the publisher.  You've got exactly fifteen minutes or I'm blowing the place up.  I'm setting the timer now."  Marvin hangs up the phone and Larry distracts him from setting the timer, only to have Balki remind him of it.
- After Marvin explains how he was the one behind the money laundering scheme, Balki tells Larry, "Cousin, I hate to say this, but if Marshall and Walpole find out about this mistake you're going to be in big trouble."  "You mean bigger than this?" Larry asks, "We're being held hostage by a man wearing a dynamite suit."  "Good point," Balki agrees.
- When Marvin says he wants a retraction and Larry asks what kind, Marvin asks, "What kind are there?"  "There's hundreds," Larry answers.  "Thousands," Balki adds.  "That's right," Larry agrees, "But what kind do you want?  A complete one?  A partial one?  Perhaps you'd like the article totally rewritten.  Perhaps not.  I don't know.  But, Marvin, these are things you should know before the publisher calls.  We don't have a lot of time here."
- Balki tells Marvin he should have gone to Sal's Hardware, then adds, "They even have those one-cup coffee makers with those tiny little filters."  Larry then suggests Marvin use Gorpley's office to organize his thoughts.  "I'm sure he wouldn't mind."  "Now, Cousin, you know Mr. Gorpley has a strict policy about . . . " Balki begins, but Larry cuts him off.  "It'll be fine!  Go ahead, Marvin, we're not going anywhere."  After Marvin goes into the office, Larry says, "Come on, Balki, let's get out of here."  "But you promised Marvin we weren't going anywhere," Balki points out.  "It was a trick," Larry explains, "The man's going to blow us up."  "Then let's head 'em up and roll 'em out," Balki agrees.  They try to go in opposite directions and make no progress at all.  "The loading dock," Larry says, "The loading dock.  Let's both go to the right.  Come on."  They both go to the right and end up spinning clockwise in a circle several times.  Larry tries to get Balki's attention but keeps calling over the wrong shoulder.  "Balki!"  "Cousin!"  "Balki!"  "Cousin!"  Larry grabs the table with his legs and stops them.  Balki is dizzy.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, "We almost had a 'cleanup on aisle five . . . '"  "I meant my right," Larry explains.  They roll out to the loading dock.  They exit for a beat.  They re-enter.  "I didn't know they locked up the loading dock after five," Balki says.  "Well, now you do," Larry says, "Head for the garage."  They start to roll to the garage.  When they get to Larry's desk, Marvin enters, looking at his list of demands.  "Hey, guys, can I run this by you?"  Larry and Balki stop and act nonchalant.  "Uh, sure.  That's what we're here for," Larry says politely.  "What do you think I should call myself: a 'diabolical genius' or a 'criminal mastermind?'"  "Marvin, that's a tough one," Balki thinks, "I like them both."
- After Balki says he heard about state's evidence on the all new Columbo, he adds, "Quite an enthralling episode.  You see there was this little guy who worked for this big shot . . . "  "Loved that episode," Larry says quickly, trying to move on.  After Larry suggests a book, Balki says, "Can a movie of the week be far behind?"
- After Marvin says "I hate these digital clocks," Balki says, "I know just what you mean.  It takes me two weeks to set my watch.  By the time I'm ready to spring forward, I have to fall back again."  Marvin faints dead away before Larry and Balki can even try to keep him from doing so.  After Balki successfully pulls out the red wire, Larry says, "Balki, you did it!  How did you know it was the red wire?"  "There's an old Myposian proverb," Balki begins, saying something in Myposian, then, "Loosely translated, it means 'When in doubt, take your best shot.'"
- There are copies of the Chronicle on the coffee table as Larry reads the end of his story to everyone in the last scene.  "After being revived, Mr. Snider was taken into custody and is being held for observation at Mercy Hospital."  "Cousin, what a story," Balki says in awe, "It was almost like I was there."  When Jennifer gets up to leave, she picks up a couple of newspapers and says, "I want to get up early and drop a couple of these off to be framed on my way to work."  Mary Anne says, "Jennifer, I didn't think we had to be at work until noon."  "Well . . . the head of the crew has to be in early," Jennifer explains.  "Oh, throw it in my face, why don't you?" Mary Anne asks as they exit.
- After Larry reads about Marvin doing a book with Marshall and Walpole, Balki says, "Wow, Cousin.  That has best seller written all over it."  Instead of saying Larry can't see DeForest Kelley for the trees, Balki says, "What's wrong with this picture?"  After Balki makes the comment, "That's the undergarment of the year," Larry says, "Thanks, Balki.  I guess, sometimes I'm so intent on what I want, I forget what I have."  "Cousin, remember, a bird in the hand . . . saves nine."  "I'll keep that in mind," Larry notes.  The rest of the episode is the same.

There are also a few differences in the shooting draft dated September 13, 1989:
- Everyone is still carrying their own stacks of newspapers into the apartment in this script and looking at their own copies of the paper, but they all end up looking at just one paper held by Balki.  When he looks for the end of the article, he turns the pages as everyone says, "Continued, page two.  Continued, page four.  Continued, page six.  Continued, page twenty-two."  The rest of the scene is the same as what aired.
- The scene with Lydia is in this script the same as it appeared in the first draft, except that Larry is the one who sarcastically says that Marshall and Walpole must be running out of wall space.  The only indication that this part was filmed and cut is the fact that Larry is standing behind his briefcase and then suddenly standing behind the book instead, showing he had moved at some point.
- In this script, Marvin still calls them Robert Marshall and Howard Walpole.  Balki calls it the "money washing" article instead of the "money in the washing machine" article.  After Larry says he double-checked his facts, Balki says, "I told you he was good."  After Larry threatens to throw Marvin out, Balki says, "Bad way to deal with your public, Cousin."  After Larry says, "Oh my Lord" upon seeing the bomb, he adds, "Balki, that's a dynamite vest."  "You know, it is kind of a dynamite vest," Balki agrees.
- While Marvin is tying Balki and Larry to the chair and Larry's trying to distance himself from the article, Balki says, "If it wasn't for him the story would never have seen the light at the end of your toenail."  This time Larry does ask Marvin to tape Balki's mouth.  The "purely decorative" line is not in this script, instead Balki just realizes "Oh god, it's a bomb.  Cousin, we never should have let him tie us to this chair."
- When Marvin tells Gorpley he wants him to tell the police and the news media, Gorpley says, "I can do that.  I'll get that pretty newscaster on channel seven."  "Oh great, she's my favorite," Marvin comments.  After he says he'll blow the building to kingdom come, Gorpley says, "Ooh, that's good.  It's bound to get their attention.  And don't worry, I'll do a good job.  You picked the right man to let go.  Catch you later.  Bye, guys."  Gorpley heads for the exit and Balki congratulates him on the new baby.
- The next scene begins the same as the first draft script with the Lieutenant asking to talk to Balki, only this time Balki asks, "How did Phil Jr. so on the SAT's?  Uh-huh . . . You know you can take those again."
- After Balki reminds Marvin to set the timer, Larry struggles to bite Balki.  "Are your shorts riding up again, Cousin?" Balki asks.  The line Balki says about Marshall and Walpole finding out about Larry's mistake in omitting Marvin from the article and Larry's reaction are still in this script.
- All the routine with the chair spinning around have been removed, they just head for the loading dock and then return after a beat, with Larry asking, "Why didn't you tell me they lock the loading dock after five?"  "You didn't ask," Balki says.  "Head for the garage," Larry suggests, but then Marvin re-enters.
- When Marvin asks them if they like "diabolical genius" or "criminal mastermind" better, Balki says that's a tough one and that he likes them both, asking Marvin if he can hear them again.  Marvin repeats them and Balki then makes the Batman comment.
- Balki's line about the movie of the week is still in the script.  After Balki pulls the red wire and Larry says, "Balki, you did it!  We're alive!" Balki says, "Cousin, now we are so happy we do the dance of joy" and they perform it.  (If you look at the end of that scene, you can see they are indeed in position to do the dance of joy.
- When Jennifer and Mary Anne are leaving and Jennifer asks what Mary Anne's problem is and that she acted the same way in school when Jennifer was elected class treasurer, Mary Anne replies, "You got a 'D' in math."  The rest of the script is as seen in the show.

Continue on to the next episode . . .