Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 77 - Dog Day Midafternoon
First Air Date: October 20, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard
Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guest Cast:
George Wyner: Marvin Berman
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode
Balki-isms:
"When they launder money, do they
have to wash the tens and the twenties separately?"
"No, it’s English."
"They’re going to give you so much
credit that you won’t have to carry cash for a year!"
"They went to the TV station to be on
Nightline with Ted Koppel live from Chicago via cellulite."
"This nice man wants to talk to you
about the money in the washing machine article."
"This must have been some whirlpool
romance!"
"If you ask me, you can’t see
DeForest Kelley for the trees."
"Well, isn’t that the undergarment
of the year?"
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
" . . . question . . . "
"Wwowwww!"
"Oh my Lord!"
"Yes, yes it would."
Balki’s "Huh?"
"Do something!"
"Oh, right!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry chooses to answer one of Balki’s
questions with a confirmation rather than try to explain anything further
Larry’s breathy laugh
Mary Anne bends Balki over backwards to
kiss him
Notable Moment: Larry writes his first front page story for The Chronicle
Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode was based on
the 1975 Al Pacino movie, Dog Day Afternoon, in which a bank robbery goes
awry and turns into a hostage situation and media circus. The film was based on
a 1972 Life magazine article about similar events which took place in
Brooklyn, New York.
- The unseen investigative reporting team
of Marshall and Walpole again play a pivotal role in this episode when they don’t
give Larry any credit for all his research on their five-page money laundering
article.
- Balki mention that Marshall and Walpole
are scheduled to appear on Nightline with Ted Koppel. The evening news
magazine first aired on ABC in 1980 and still runs to this day, although Ted
Koppel retired from the program near the end of 2005.
- Belita Moreno originally appeared in this episode
as Lydia but her part was cut. To find out what her segment was about,
read the Script Variations below.
-
George Wyner played accountant turned
terrorist Marvin Berman so well in this episode that he would return later in
the season to portray Marvin again in the episode A Blast from the Past.
He would be the second criminal the cousins encounter to make a return
appearance (the first being John Del Regno as Vince Lucas. George Wyner is a
notable character actor with many, many credits to his name, including recurring
roles on the original Bob Newhart Show, Rhoda, All in the Family, WKRP in
Cincinnati, Soap, Nero Wolfe, Matt Houston, Hill Street Blues, She’s the
Sheriff, Days of our Lives not to mention notable movie roles in The Odd
Couple and Spaceballs. He would also return to Perfect Strangers in
the seventh season episode Stress Test.
- The shot of the police cars in front of
Chronicle with their lights flashing is a fancy bit of superimposition with the
police cars added into an already existing establishing shot of the building.
- Balki mentions the all new Columbo,
which starred Peter Falk as the unique, raincoat-wearing detective. The series
was originally a big hit for NBC, but in 1989 the show was revived by ABC with
occasional made-for-TV movies. There was even a series of commercials starring
various ABC stars doing their best Columbo impersonations, one of which featured
Mark Linn-Baker. You can now view this commercial on our YouTube
Channel.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- On the establishing shot of the
apartment building a very dim light can be seen through the shades of the
apartment. But when we cut to the interior, all the lights in the apartment are
off.
- In the bomb timer countdown sequence the
timer is set for ten minutes, but the actual amount of time that elapses is just
under six minutes.
- When Larry is talking about no one patting him on the back during the work
day, he is standing behind his briefcase on the desk. A moment later, he
is suddenly standing behind a book next to his desk. To understand why
this happened, read the Script Variations below.
- Balki is excited to get his name
mentioned in the paper, but this wasn’t the first time this had happened.
Balki actually received credit for helping with Larry's article in the episode Prose and Cons.
Synopsis:
The episode begins at the cousins’
apartment one evening. Jennifer, Larry, Balki and Mary Anne enter the dark
apartment. Jennifer switches the lights on saying, "This is very
exciting!" They all hurry to the couch and sit down. Larry is carrying a
stack of newspapers. "An article by Larry Appleton on the front page of the
Chronicle!" Jennifer continues. "Well, actually, it’s by Marshall
and Walpole," Larry explains, "But they’ll mention that I worked on
it. After all, without my research there’d be no article." Larry unfolds
one of the newspapers to show them. "Well, here it is," Mary Anne
points out, "‘Money Laundering in Chicago - A Dirty Business.’ Nifty
title, Larry." "Well, actually, Marshall thought of the title,"
Larry admits, "But I put in the punctuation." "Cousin,
question," Balki interrupts, "When they launder money, do they have to
wash the tens and the twenties separately?"
"No, Balki, money laundering is
taking money that’s been made illegally and funneling it through a legitimate
business so that it’s 
not traceable to the illegal source," Larry
explains. "Oh, oh oh oh," Balki smiles, "I get it. So . . . is
static cling a problem?" Larry takes a moment to answer, finally saying,
"Not if they use a fabric softener." "Larry, I don’t see your
name here," Jennifer says. "Well, it wouldn’t be on the front
page," Larry says, "But at the end of the article they always mention
all the people who contributed to the story." Larry opens the newspaper and
scans the page with Balki. "Oh, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, I see
something!" Balki cries, "I see something! And it’s even printed in
those little slanty letters." "Italics," Larry explains.
"No, it’s English," Balki counters. Larry reads from the paper,
"‘The Chronicle’s investigative reporting team of Marshall and Walpole
has won two Pulitzer Prizes.’" There is a pause, Balki waiting in
anticipation and Larry’s expression dropping in realization.
"That’s it?" Larry asks,
"No ‘Research by Larry Appleton?’ No ‘Special Thanks to Larry
Appleton?’ No ‘We Would Have Been Lost Without Larry Appleton?’"
"Cousin, slow down, what was that last one?" Balki asks, still looking
over the page. "Oh, forget it," Larry says, "They didn’t
mention me at all." Balki looks shocked, then sympathetic. "Oh, Cousin
. . . don’t be too bummed out. Your time will come, you just have to be
patient." "Balki’s right," Jennifer offers, "Larry, I’ve
been a flight attendant for the last five years and I didn’t think anyone even
noticed me, then yesterday they made me head of my own flight crew." "Congratulations!" Balki smiles.
"Well, that’s wonderful!"
Larry agrees. Mary Anne doesn’t look too happy. "You didn’t tell me
that," she points out. "Well, I . . . I was waiting for the right
time," Jennifer says, realizing she's been caught. "But that’s not fair," Mary
Anne complains, "I work just as hard as you have and I’m only head of
beverage service . . . in smoking!"
"Maybe we better go," Jennifer
decides, getting up and walking around the back of the couch to the door,
"I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Larry." "Bye," Larry says.
"Bye," Jennifer replies. Mary Anne gets up and meets Jennifer at the
door. "You weren’t 
going to tell me, were you?"
"I was going to
tell you," Jennifer assures her as she opens the door. "When?"
Mary Anne asks, "At 30,000 feet when I’m choking on second-hand
smoke?" They leave. Larry is still looking at the newspaper. "Can you
believe that?" he asks. "No, I can’t," Balki says, "That
second-hand smoke can be pretty nauseating." "No, Balki, I mean
Marshall and Walpole do a five page story and they don’t give me any
credit." "Now listen, Cousin," Balki begins, "Listen, all
your friends at the paper know how hard you worked on that article. And you can
bet they’re going to give you credit." "They will?" Larry asks
hopefully. "They’re going to give you so much credit you won’t have to
carry cash for a year!" Balki assures him. "Well, I’d be happy with
a few pats on the back for a job well done," Larry confesses. "Well,
Cousin, if that’s all you need, here’s your first!" Balki slaps Larry
very hard on the back, knocking Larry forward.
The next afternoon at the Chicago
Chronicle, everyone is leaving after a day of work. Larry is packing his
briefcase at his desk with Balki standing by. "Well, Balki," Larry
sighs, "almost everyone’s gone home and I’ve heard a lot of compliments
for Marshall and Walpole . . . and I’m still waiting for my first pat on the
back." "Well, uh, Cousin . . . you know, uh . . . remember?"
Balki hedges. "Sorry, my second pat on the back," Larry
corrects. Larry picks up a couple of books. "Balki, I’m gonna
take these books back to the archives and then we can get out of here,"
Larry sighs sadly. Balki stops at his work table, looking sad. A man
wearing a long coat enters from the parking garage and spots Balki.
"Excuse me," he says as he approaches, "Uh . . . I’m looking
for Marshall and Walpole." "Oh, they’re not here," Balki explains, "They went to the TV
station to be on 'Nightline' with Ted Koppel live from Chicago via
cellulite." "But I have to talk to somebody," the man sighs,
"It’s about that money laundering article ."
"Oh, oh, wait, wait!" Balki says
excitedly, "You can talk to my Cousin Larry. He’s one of the Chronicle’s
top reporters and not 
many people know this . . . in fact, nobody seems to know
it . . . but if it wasn’t for Cousin Larry that article would never have been
written." "Well, then, he is the man that I want to talk to," the
man agrees. Larry enters from the archives. "Come on, Balki, let’s hit
the road," he sighs. "Cousin, Cousin, Cousin," Balki stops him,
"This nice man wants to talk to you about the money in the washing machine
article." "Yeah, yeah, I know," Larry scoffs, "Great
article. Wonderfully written. Another Pulitzer Prize for Marshall and Walpole.
Thanks for dropping by." Larry starts to leave. "Cousin," Balki
says worriedly as Larry walks toward his desk to get his briefcase. "Well,
you may think that it’s wonderfully written but I don’t," the man
states, "I’ve never seen an article so riddled with inaccuracies in my
whole life." "How about that, Cousin?" Balki asks happily,
"People are starting to notice!" "Well, maybe you should
get your eyes examined," Larry argues, "because I personally checked
and double checked every fact myself." "Is he good or what?"
Balki asks the man, pointing to Larry.
"Well, then you should have triple
checked them because that article was filled with half truths, fabrications and
downright misrepresentations," the man comments. "Wwowww,
Cousin!" Balki gasps, "Sounds like you’ve got yourself a fan!"
"All right, now wait a minute," Larry begins angrily, "I broke my
back on that article! I worked nights, weekends . . . I haven’t had lunch for
a 
month! I don’t believe this!"
"I don’t either!" Balki
smiles, hugging Larry tightly. "I spend all day waiting for any kind of
acknowledgment and my first pat on the back is a slap in the face." "Um . . . second pat on the back," Balki reminds him.
"Oh, yeah,
all right, sorry, sorry," Larry offers, "Thank you so very very
much." He turns back to the man. "Now, get out of here before I throw
you out!" Larry threatens. "Oh, I’m not leaving until I get
satisfaction," the man insists. "Oh, fine . . . you stay. We’re
leaving," Larry dismisses him as he and Balki head to the parking garage.
The man steps around them to cut them off. "Well, uh, actually . . . uh,
nobody is going anywhere." "Oh really?" Larry asks, "And how
are you going to stop us?" "With this," the man answers, opening
his coat to reveal numerous sticks of dynamite and a timer wrapped around his
chest. "Oh my Lord!" Larry gasps as the scene fades to black.
Act two begins in the Chronicle basement a
short while later. The man is finishing tying Larry and Balki to a rolling chair
where they are seated back to back. "You know, actually I didn’t really
have that much to do with the article," Larry insists, "I mean the
real research research was done by people much higher up than I am.
I
just handled the . . . spelling." The man gets up from in front of Larry
and moves around to Balki to tighten his knots. "Don’t you listen to
him," Balki says, "Cousin Larry’s just being modest. The truth of
the matter is if it hadn’t have been for Cousin Larry that article would never
have been printed." "Could you tape his mouth?" Larry asks.
The
man finishes with the knot and asks Balki, "That’s not too tight, is
it?" "No, it’s quite comfortable, thank you," Balk says,
"But you know, next time you might want to think about using a sheep shank
knot. It allows some freedom of movement with a minimum of chafing."
"I can do a sheep shank," the man states, "I used to sail."
"Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims, "You know a sheep shank
knot?" The man gets down to retie the knot.
"Balki!" Larry cries. "Yeah, huh?" Balki asks.
"He’s not going for a merit
badge!" Larry points out, "He’s threatening to blow us 
up!"
"Well, how would he do that?" Balki asks. "He has twenty sticks
of dynamite strapped . . . " "Twenty-four," the man corrects.
" . . . twenty-four sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest!" Larry
finishes. Balki look at the dynamite and then back to Larry. "They’re not
purely decorative?" he asks. "No, they’re not purely
decorative," Larry sneers. "Well, then . . . uh . . . that would
constitute a . . . a bomb," Balki realizes. "Yes, yes it would,"
Larry confirms. "This man could blow us up," Balki states, as Larry
gives him a look. More quietly, Balki adds, "We should never have let him
tie us to this chair." Larry rolls his eyes. The man finishes with the
knots and walks to Larry’s desk. "Who are you? Why are you doing
this?" Larry asks. "Who am I?" the man asks in frustration.
"And why are you doing this?" Balki asks. "And why am I doing
this?" the man repeats, "Ho! Some fine reporter you are. You don’t
even know who Marvin Berman is."
Marvin sighs. "But then that’s the
story of my life. I do all the work and someone else takes all the credit."
Marvin looks at Balki and Larry in earnest, saying, "Well, I need to be
given some credit, too. I need to be recognized! I need to be acknowledged!
I 
need my own place in the sun!" "Sounds like you need a Club Med
vacation," Balki notes. Marvin studies Balki and says, "You’re
foreign, aren’t you?" Balki smiles. Mr. Gorpley exits his office and sees
Balki and Larry tied to the chair. Marvin holds his coat closed and tries to act
casual, walking to the other side of Gorpley. "Bartokomous, play cowboys
and Indians on your own time," Gorpley snaps, then turns to Marvin, saying,
"And you . . . you don’t even work here. Take a hike." "Gorpley,
don’t antagonize him," Larry warns, "He’s got a bomb!" "A bomb?" Gorpley smirks, laughing, "Yeah right!
A bomb!" He
laughs harder and turns to see Marvin with his coat open and the bomb exposed.
"A bomb!" Gorpley realizes with shock, his laughter turning to fear, "Oh my God, he’s got a bomb!"
Mr. Gorpley begs to Marvin, "Please .
. . please, you have got to let me go. I have got four kids and a pregnant wife
at home." "Mr. Gorpley!" Balki exclaims, "This must have
been some whirlpool romance! Just this morning you were single!"
"Shouldn’t you tape his mouth?" Mr. Gorpley asks Marvin. "Okay,
okay . . . how about this?" Gorpley asks, then starts to beg, "Please,
please! I’m begging you! I’m young . . . I’ve got my whole life ahead of
me!" "It’s okay, it’s okay," Marvin assures him, "Look
look look . . . I’ve already got hostages." "Oh," Mr. Gorpley
notes. "But you . . . you can tell the police and the news media."
"Oh, I can do that," Gorpley nods. "Tell them that I’m holding
your two friends prisoner and if I don’t get what I want I’m blowing this
building to kingdom come."
The next scene shows a large amount of
police cars parked in front of the Chronicle Building with their lights on.
It
is now evening. Inside, Marvin is on the phone. "All right, listen
Lieutenant . . . the next time this phone rings it better be the publisher.
Now,
you’ve got exactly ten minutes or I am blowing this building up and I am
setting the timer now." Marvin hangs up the phone 
and starts to set the
timer on his bomb. "No, hey, uh . . . Marvin, Marvin," Larry cries,
trying to distract him, "Uh, question here." "What is it?"
Marvin asks impatiently. "Well, I uh . . . just out of idle curiosity . . .
wh . . . wh . . . what is it that you want?" "What is it I want?"
Marvin asks, "Well, all right . . . " He moves to Balki’s work
table. " . . . I will tell you exactly what it is that I want."
"Excuse me, excuse me, Marvin," Balki interrupts, "Before you get
bogged down in the details, aren’t you forgetting something?" "No, I
don’t think so," Marvin says emphatically. "Yes . . . you were about
to set your timer," Balki reminds him. Larry gapes at Balki in disbelief.
Marvin looks down at the timer and rolls his eyes. "Thanks," he says,
"Where is my head?" He sets the timer for ten minutes and hits the
start button, the clock beginning to count down.
"Why did you tell him to set the
timer?" Larry asks Balki. "Because if he doesn’t set the timer . . .
" Balki begins, then breaths in, 
realization grasping him.
Balki gets a
pained look and admits, "Bad move, huh?" "Marvin, why are you
doing this over a silly article?" Larry asks. "Because it gave all the
credit to that idiot boss of mine," Marvin explains, "when the real
mastermind behind the money laundering scheme . . . was me." "You?" Larry asks.
"Yes," Marvin insists, "I set up the
dummy corporations. I set up the fake bank accounts. I picked out the office
furniture." "Why haven’t I ever heard of you?" Larry
asks. "I’ve been your roommate for three years," Balki points out.
"Not you! Not you!" Larry yells, "Him! Why haven’t I
ever heard of him!?" "Well, how should I know?" Balki
asks, "Marvin, could you enlighten us?" "Because I am just the
accountant," Marvin explains, "and no one pays any attention to the
accountant. But they will now. When I talk to the publisher I’m going to
demand recognition. I’m gonna make The Chronicle print a retraction."
"A retraction!" Larry cries
excitedly, "A retraction! Good idea! Now that’s constructive!
But what kind
of retraction? A 
complete retraction?
A partial retraction? Marvin! Marvin! Marvin! You should know exactly what you want before the publisher calls
because, you know, we don’t have a lot of . . . time here." "You
know, you’re absolutely right!" Marvin agrees, "I didn’t think
this far ahead! Well, I’ve been kind of busy. I had to go all the way to
Skokie to get the timer." "Well, Marvin, you should have gone to Sal’s
Hardware on Lincoln Avenue," Balki says, "They got everything! You
know what they say . . . ‘If Sal don’t have it, you don’t need it.’"
"Well, Marvin, listen," Larry says, "you should write down your
demands. Why don’t you just take a few moments, you know, private moments for
yourself, away from all this hustle and this bustle. You know, there’s a
private office back there." Larry motions to Mr. Gorpley’s office with
his head. "That’s a good idea," Marvin agrees, "All right, um .
. . I’ll be right back." Marvin steps into the office.
"Come on, Balki, let’s get out of
here," Larry suggests, "Head for the loading dock!" They start to
spin the chair toward the 
loading dock, kicking off with their legs.
Marvin
exits the office, looking at a piece of paper, and calls, "Hey guys?"
Balki and Larry spin back into the basement and stop with Larry propping his
legs up on his desk and Balki bent over forward. "Can I run this by
you?" Marvin asks, "What do you think I should call myself? Criminal
mastermind or diabolical genius?" "Diabolical genius," Balki
thinks aloud, "I don’t know . . . it’s a little too Batman."
"Marvin, listen," Larry says, lowering his legs from the desk and
spinning toward him, "You know, I think this whole bomb thing is a wrong
way to go. I mean, even if they print a retraction I don’t see how you can
avoid going to jail." "Well, he could turn state’s evidence,"
Balki suggests. "State’s evidence?" Marvin asks. "Yes!"
Balki says, spinning around to face Marvin, "That way you could tell your
side of the story, get the recognition you so richly deserve, participate in the
Federal Witness Protection Program and avoid a lengthy prison term."
"Balki, where did you learn about
state’s evidence?" Larry asks. "On the all new ‘Columbo,’"
Balki answers. "Marvin!" Larry 
says, spinning to face him again,
"Balki’s right. If you turn yourself in, testify against your boss, you’ll
not only get the credit but you’ll also be a hero!" "Me?"
Marvin asks. "Yes!" "A hero?" "Absolutely!" Larry
confirms, "And you know what happens to heroes." "People
Magazine?" Marvin asks. "And talk shows," Larry adds, "Maybe
even a book! I’d help you write it! The sooner you untie us, the sooner I can
get the wheels in motion!" "I’ll do it!" Marvin exclaims,
stooping down to untie Larry and Balki. "Oh, and uh, you know, uh . . .
Marvin . . . you also might want to turn off your bomb," Larry points out.
"Oh! Of course," Marvin agrees, "You know, I never really meant
it to go this far anyway." Larry works his hands free from the ropes as
Marvin stands up and fiddles with the timer. "I hate these digital
clocks," Marvin complains.
Larry and Balki get free from the ropes
when Marvin says, "Guys? Guys, it won’t turn off." Marvin keeps
pressing a button but the clock continues to count down from just under three
minutes. "Well, you should have gone to Sal’s, I’m not going to say it
again," Balki scolds. Larry and Balki get to their feet and Larry cries,
"Marvin! Do something!" "Don’t rush me!" Marvin cries,
"I’m not good under pressure. All right, now listen . . . I just have to
disconnect it, so I just have to pull the red wire. Or is the white one?
I don’t
know! Oh, oh guys, guys, I’m no good in the field. I’m just an idea man.
Whoa!" Marvin stumbles a bit. "Oh, I feel kind of sick.
I think I
better sit down, I feel like I’m gonna faint." Marvin sits down on Balki’s
table and starts to fall back. "No! No!" Larry cries, running to
Marvin and grabbing his coat lapels. "I am! I am!" Marvin cries.
"No, no, Marvin, Marvin, you can’t faint now!" Larry insists, as he
holds Marvin up and Balki lightly pats Marvin’s cheeks, "Marvin, Marvin,
you all right? All right? Okay?" "Okay, okay," Marvin says,
"I’m okay." Larry lets go with a sigh of relief. Marvin immediately
fall backwards across the table in a dead faint. "Oh my God," Larry
gasps, "He’s out cold. Balki, we’ve only got a minute! Let’s get out
of here!"
Larry runs for the parking garage but
Balki steps over to Marvin and lightly pats the man’s face. Larry stops,
yelling, "Balki!" "Cousin, I can’t leave him like this,"
Balki insists, patting Marvin’s hand, "I’ve got to try to turn off the
bomb. Go ahead without 
me."
Larry cringes, sighing, "I hate when you
do this." He runs back to Balki. "All right, all right, let me try it!
Get out of the way! Get out of the way!" "Cousin, Cousin, I think that
. . . " Balki starts, but Larry pushes him out of the way. "All right,
red wire, white wire," Larry mumbles, "uh . . . red light at night,
sailor’s delight. Who cares about sailors? A green wire! He didn’t say
anything about a green wire! Marvin! Marvin!" Larry lifts the unconscious
Marvin by the lapels, "What about the green wire, Marvin? Tell us about the
green wire! Marvin! Marvin!" Balki is trying to get Larry’s attention and
finally grabs his head and turns his face around to look at him. Larry lets
Marvin drop back onto the table. "I’m going to try the red one,"
Balki says. "No, Balki don’t!" Larry cries, "What if we make a
mistake?" "Well, Cousin, we’ve got five seconds left!" Balki
points out, "What’s the worst that could happen?" Larry lets this
sink in then cries, "Do it!" as he cringes. Balki pulls the red wire
out of the bomb and the clock stops counting down. After a moment, Larry
realizes they are saved and cries, "Balki! You did it! You did it!
We’re
alive!" They hug one another.
At the apartment the next night, Larry,
Mary Anne, Jennifer and Balki are sitting on the couch as Larry reads to them
from a copy 
of The Chronicle.
There is a pile of papers on the coffee table as
well. "‘Police took Marvin Berman to Chicago General where he is being
held for psychiatric observation.’" "Oh Larry, you’re first front
page story," Jennifer smiles, "I’m so proud of you." She kisses
him. Mary Anne turns to Balki and says, "Oh Balki . . . your first bomb
diffusing. I’m so proud of you." Balki leans his cheek toward Mary Anne
for a kiss, but she grabs him roughly and bends him over backwards on the couch
to kiss him instead. "Well, uh . . . we better get going," Jennifer
says. Mary Anne drops Balki. "I have to be in at work by seven,"
Jennifer notes, getting up with Mary Anne. "I thought we didn’t have to
be at work until ten," Mary Anne says. "Well, the head of the flight
crew has to get in early," Jennifer explains. "Oh, throw it in my
face, why don’t you?" Mary Anne pouts. "What is your problem?"
Jennifer asks as they head for the door, "You acted the same way when I was
elected class treasurer." "You were elected class treasurer?"
Mary Anne cries, "Another thing you never told me!" "Mary Anne,
you were my campaign manager," Jennifer reminds her. "Oh right!"
Mary Anne remembers, and the girls leave.
"Cousin, look at this," Balki
points to the newspaper, "Here’s another article about Marvin."
Larry look at the paper, saying, 
"Really?
‘Marvin Berman, self-confessed
criminal master mind . . . ‘" "Oh, I’m glad he went with criminal
mastermind," Balki nods. "‘ . . . has opted to do a book telling his
side of the story with Pulitzer Prize winning journalists Marshall and Walpole.’"
"Are those guys on a roll or what?" Balki asks. "I don’t
believe it!" Larry whines, "That book was my idea! When am I gonna get
a break?" "Cousin, wait a minute!" Balki stops him, "Are you
listening to yourself?" "Well, Balki, all I want is the credit I
deserve," Larry complains. "Well, so did Marvin Berman, and look what
happened to him," Balki points out, "Cousin, yesterday all you wanted
was your name in little tiny letters at the end of a very long article. And
today you got your name in big black letters on the front page. And you still
not happy. If you ask me, you can’t see DeForest Kelley for the trees."
"I guess things are going pretty
well, aren’t they?" Larry smiles. "Well, isn’t that the
undergarment of the year?" Balki replies. Larry picks up the paper again
and asks, "Balki, don’t you wanna read my article?" "Why,
Cousin?" Balki asks, "You already read it to us, and very well I might
add." "Well, you might at least take a look at the very end,"
Larry prods, handing Balki the paper. Balki looks at the article and reads,
"‘Balki Bartokomous contributed to this article.’ My name in the paper!
Wait until Mama sees this!" Balki hugs Larry around the shoulders, saying,
"Thank you, Cousin." "You’re welcome," Larry smiles.
"Listen, Cousin," Balki continues, "Maybe someday the team of
Bartokomous and Appleton will win a Pulitzer Prize." Balki motions for
Larry to think about it with him. Larry does, but then says, "Appleton and
Bartokomous." "You’re absolutely right, yeah," Balki agrees, as
the episode comes to an end.
Script Variations:
There are several differences between the
first draft script dated August 30, 1989 and the final episode:
- In
this version, Marvin's last name is Snider, not Berman.
- The episode begins
the same, except everyone is carrying a stack of newspapers, not just
Larry. Each of them looks at their own copy of the newspaper. After
Larry explains that everyone who worked on the article will be named at the end,
Balki says, "Last one to the end of the article is a rotten (SOMETHING
MYPOSIAN)." They all scan the article. Larry reads,
"'Please see page eight, column one.'" They all turn to page
eight and scan the article. Balki reads, "'Please see page ten,
column four.'" They all turn to page ten and scan again.
Jennifer reads, "'Please see page twelve, column two.'" Then
they find the end of the article.
- After realizing his
name is not mentioned, Larry complains, "I don't believe this. I work
my fingers to the bone for these guys and I don't even get a
mention." After Mary Anne and Jennifer exit, Larry says, "A
twelve page article and they didn't even acknowledge my contribution. It's
not like they didn't have room." "Now Cousin," Balki
begins, "just because your name wasn't in the article doesn't mean you
won't be acknowledged. All your friends at the paper know how hard you
worked on it. And you can bet that they are going to acknowledge you to
pieces when you go in tomorrow." "Do you really think so?"
Larry asks. "Does a Mypiot sleep in the woods?" Balki
asks. Larry brightens, saying, "Maybe you're right, Balki. My
colleagues at the paper, the people who count, know how much I
contributed. I'll bet I get quite a few pats on the back for a job well
done." "And here's your first," Balki offers, patting Larry
on the back, "Well done." "Thanks, Balki," Larry
smiles, then, "Now, what are we going to do with all these
papers?" "Mr. Peterman on the first floor just got a new
puppy," Balki notes. "Let's go," Larry agrees, as they
gather the papers and head for the door.
- Scene B starts the
same way for the first few lines about Larry not getting a pat on the back and
Balki reminding him he has had one. Lydia exits the elevator carrying a
newspaper. She crosses to Balki's mail table and drops off some
mail. "I can't get over that story on money laundering," she
says, "It looks like another Pulitzer Prize for Marshall and Walpole.
They must be running out of wall space." "You know, Miss Lydia,
I'll bet Marshall and Walpole had a lot of help putting that article
together," Balki hints, "Uncredited help, unacknowledged help, I might
add." "You're not kidding, Balki," Lydia agrees, "The
research that went into that story must have taken weeks. I was very
impressed." Balki speaks to Lydia confidentially, saying, "Miss
Lydia, I think Cousin Larry would appreciate hearing that." "I
think I understand," Lydia nods, crossing to Larry. "You know,
Larry," she says, "I'm very close to Marshall and Walpole . . .
(SMILING) . . . Especially Marshall. Anyway, I know that they think very
highly of your work." "They do?" Larry asks
hopefully. "Yes," Lydia confirms, "And, take it from me, if
you keep it up, eventually . . . " She holds up the paper.
" . . . you'll get to work on a story like this." Thinking she
said the right thing, she winks at Balki and heads for the door, calling,
"Goodnight, boys!" "Well, Balki, I think I've had enough
'acclaim' for one day," Larry sighs, then takes a folder to the archives.
- When Marvin enters,
he asks Balki about Marshall and Walpole, giving them first names!
"Excuse me. I'm looking for Robert Marshall and Howard
Walpole." "Well, you're in the wrong city," Balki says,
"They went to Washington D.C. to do 'Nightline.'" Balki hums the
Nightline theme. "Ted Koppel said they could do it from Chicago, via
cellulite, but Marshall and Walpole wanted to do it 'up close and
personal.'" Marvin is shaken, saying, "Oh . . . oh. This
is very upsetting. I have to talk to them. It's about that money
laundering article." "Well, perhaps you should talk to my Cousin
Larry," Balki suggests, "Not many people know this . . . in fact,
nobody seems to know this, but Cousin Larry had quite a bit to do with that
article himself. He's one of the Chronicle's top reporters, and I'm sure
he could answer any question you have about it." "Well . . . I
guess he'll have to do," Marvin decides.
- When Larry enters
and suggests they "hit the road," Balki says, "Cousin, before we
do any road-hitting, this nice man wants to talk to you about the Marshall and
Walpole article." The dialogue between Larry and Marvin is the same
in this part, except Balki does not interrupt enthusiastically at all.
After Marvin reveals the dynamite and Larry gasps, "Oh, my Lord,"
Balki says, "That is one terrific vest. But it doesn't quite go with
those pants." "Balki, that's no vest," Larry explains,
"it's dynamite. This guy's a walking bomb." On Balki and
Larry's look, act one ends.
- Act two begins the
same, except after Larry tries to distance himself from the article, Balki says,
"Oh, Cousin, don't be modest. You said Marshall and Walpole couldn't
have written this article without you." Larry doesn't ask Marvin to
tape Balki's mouth. Balki suggests a sheep shank knot but Marvin doesn't
say he used to sail.
- When Gorpley enters
and sees Larry and Balki tied up he says, "Bartokomous. What are you
guys doing out here? Practicing some kind of magic trick?"
"Gorpley, this is no trick," Larry assures him, "He's holding us
hostage. He's got a bomb." After Gorpley laughs and then reacts
to the bomb he says, "But he can't have a bomb. Not today. Not
on the one day in the entire year that I work late." "Talk about
bad timing," Balki comments. Gorpley begs, saying, "Please,
you've got to let me go. I've got four kids and a pregnant wife at
home. They'd be lost without me." "Mr. Gorpley, that must
have been a whirlpool romance," Balki comments, "Just yesterday you
said you'd never get married again." After Gorpley tries begging
again and Marvin explains Larry and Balki are his hostages, Marvin said, "I
just want you to call the police and the news media. Try to get that
pretty newscaster on channel seven." "Sure, no problem,"
Gorpley replies, suddenly calm. "Tell them I'm holding your two
friends prisoner and if I don't get what I want, I'm blowing this building to
kingdom come," Marvin explains. Gorpley repeats this as if
remembering it, " . . . blowing this building to kingdom come. Got
it. Catch you later." Gorpley starts to leave, and as he passes
Larry and Balki he says, "Learn to beg, Appleton. It may save your
life someday." Gorpley heads for the exit. "Goodnight, Mr.
Gorpley," Balki calls after him, " . . . and congratulations on that
new baby." Larry reacts.
- The next scene
starts with Marvin on the phone. "I'm finished talking to you,
lieutenant. I want to talk to the publisher. Either you get him or
one of his best reporters is going to be history . . . Larry Appleton . . .
Appleton. Larry Appleton." Marvin asks Larry and Balki,
"How do you spell that?" "A, double P, L, E, with a 'ton'
at the end," Balki answers. Marvin says into the receiver, "No,
that's my other hostage . . . Balki Bartokomous . . . " He holds the
receiver to Balki's ear and says, "He wants to talk to you."
Balki talks into the phone. "Hello . . . Oh, Phil, how are you
doing? Cousin, it's Lieutenant Farber. You know, that nice policeman
who can't get enough of those jelly donuts. How's Phil Jr.? Is he
still wracking up the touchdowns at St. Joe's? . . . Really? USC and
UCLA?" Larry loses it, shouting, "Balki, the man has a
bomb. Could you save the recruiting report for later?" "Oh
right," Balki says, then finishes, "Phil, the man has a bomb and I
think he has a short fuse . . . I don't know, Phil, where do I come up with
them?" Marvin pulls the phone away. "Listen, Phil, the
next time this phone rings, it better be the publisher. You've got exactly
fifteen minutes or I'm blowing the place up. I'm setting the timer
now." Marvin hangs up the phone and Larry distracts him from setting
the timer, only to have Balki remind him of it.
- After Marvin
explains how he was the one behind the money laundering scheme, Balki tells
Larry, "Cousin, I hate to say this, but if Marshall and Walpole find out
about this mistake you're going to be in big trouble." "You mean
bigger than this?" Larry asks, "We're being held hostage by a man
wearing a dynamite suit." "Good point," Balki agrees.
- When Marvin says he
wants a retraction and Larry asks what kind, Marvin asks, "What kind are
there?" "There's hundreds," Larry answers.
"Thousands," Balki adds. "That's right," Larry agrees,
"But what kind do you want? A complete one? A partial
one? Perhaps you'd like the article totally rewritten. Perhaps
not. I don't know. But, Marvin, these are things you should know
before the publisher calls. We don't have a lot of time here."
- Balki tells Marvin
he should have gone to Sal's Hardware, then adds, "They even have those
one-cup coffee makers with those tiny little filters." Larry then
suggests Marvin use Gorpley's office to organize his thoughts. "I'm
sure he wouldn't mind." "Now, Cousin, you know Mr. Gorpley has a
strict policy about . . . " Balki begins, but Larry cuts him off.
"It'll be fine! Go ahead, Marvin, we're not going anywhere."
After Marvin goes into
the office, Larry says, "Come on, Balki, let's get out of here."
"But you promised Marvin we weren't going anywhere," Balki points
out. "It was a trick," Larry explains, "The man's going to
blow us up." "Then let's head 'em up and roll 'em out,"
Balki agrees. They try to go in opposite directions and make no progress
at all. "The loading dock," Larry says, "The loading
dock. Let's both go to the right. Come on." They both go
to the right and end up spinning clockwise in a circle several times.
Larry tries to get Balki's attention but keeps calling over the wrong
shoulder. "Balki!" "Cousin!" "Balki!"
"Cousin!" Larry grabs the table with his legs and stops
them. Balki is dizzy. "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says,
"We almost had a 'cleanup on aisle five . . . '" "I meant
my right," Larry explains. They roll out to the loading dock.
They exit for a beat. They re-enter. "I didn't know they locked
up the loading dock after five," Balki says. "Well, now you
do," Larry says, "Head for the garage." They start to roll
to the garage. When they get to Larry's desk, Marvin enters, looking at
his list of demands. "Hey, guys, can I run this by you?"
Larry and Balki stop and act nonchalant. "Uh, sure. That's what
we're here for," Larry says politely. "What do you think I
should call myself: a 'diabolical genius' or a 'criminal
mastermind?'" "Marvin, that's a tough one," Balki thinks,
"I like them both."
- After Balki
says he heard about state's evidence on the all new Columbo, he adds,
"Quite an enthralling episode. You see there was this little guy who
worked for this big shot . . . " "Loved that episode,"
Larry says quickly, trying to move on. After Larry suggests a book, Balki
says, "Can a movie of the week be far behind?"
- After Marvin says
"I hate these digital clocks," Balki says, "I know just what you
mean. It takes me two weeks to set my watch. By the time I'm ready
to spring forward, I have to fall back again." Marvin faints dead
away before Larry and Balki can even try to keep him from doing so. After
Balki successfully pulls out the red wire, Larry says, "Balki, you did
it! How did you know it was the red wire?" "There's an old
Myposian proverb," Balki begins, saying something in Myposian, then,
"Loosely translated, it means 'When in doubt, take your best shot.'"
- There are copies of
the Chronicle on the coffee table as Larry reads the end of his story to
everyone in the last scene. "After being revived, Mr. Snider was
taken into custody and is being held for observation at Mercy
Hospital." "Cousin, what a story," Balki says in awe,
"It was almost like I was there." When Jennifer gets up to
leave, she picks up a couple of newspapers and says, "I want to get up
early and drop a couple of these off to be framed on my way to work."
Mary Anne says, "Jennifer, I didn't think we had to be at work until
noon." "Well . . . the head of the crew has to be in
early," Jennifer explains. "Oh, throw it in my face, why don't
you?" Mary Anne asks as they exit.
- After Larry reads
about Marvin doing a book with Marshall and Walpole, Balki says, "Wow,
Cousin. That has best seller written all over it." Instead of
saying Larry can't see DeForest Kelley for the trees, Balki says, "What's
wrong with this picture?" After Balki makes the comment, "That's
the undergarment of the year," Larry says, "Thanks, Balki. I
guess, sometimes I'm so intent on what I want, I forget what I have."
"Cousin, remember, a bird in the hand . . . saves nine."
"I'll keep that in mind," Larry notes. The rest of the episode
is the same.
There are also a few differences
in the shooting draft dated September 13, 1989:
- Everyone is still
carrying their own stacks of newspapers into the apartment in this script and
looking at their own copies of the paper, but they all end up looking at just
one paper held by Balki. When he looks for the end of the article, he
turns the pages as everyone says, "Continued, page two. Continued,
page four. Continued, page six. Continued, page
twenty-two." The rest of the scene is the same as what aired.
- The scene with Lydia
is in this script the same as it appeared in the first draft, except that Larry
is the one who sarcastically says that Marshall and Walpole must be running out
of wall space. The only indication that this part was filmed and cut is
the fact that Larry is standing behind his briefcase and then suddenly standing
behind the book instead, showing he had moved at some point.
- In
this script, Marvin still calls them Robert Marshall and Howard Walpole.
Balki calls it the "money washing" article instead of the "money
in the washing machine" article. After Larry says he double-checked
his facts, Balki says, "I told you he was good." After Larry
threatens to throw Marvin out, Balki says, "Bad way to deal with your
public, Cousin." After Larry says, "Oh my Lord" upon seeing
the bomb, he adds, "Balki, that's a dynamite vest." "You
know, it is kind of a dynamite vest," Balki agrees.
- While
Marvin is tying Balki and Larry to the chair and Larry's trying to distance
himself from the article, Balki says, "If it wasn't for him the story would
never have seen the light at the end of your toenail." This time
Larry does ask Marvin to tape Balki's mouth. The "purely
decorative" line is not in this script, instead Balki just realizes
"Oh god, it's a bomb. Cousin, we never should have let him tie us to
this chair."
- When
Marvin tells Gorpley he wants him to tell the police and the news media, Gorpley
says, "I can do that. I'll get that pretty newscaster on channel
seven." "Oh great, she's my favorite," Marvin
comments. After he says he'll blow the building to kingdom come, Gorpley
says, "Ooh, that's good. It's bound to get their attention. And
don't worry, I'll do a good job. You picked the right man to let go.
Catch you later. Bye, guys." Gorpley heads for the exit and
Balki congratulates him on the new baby.
- The
next scene begins the same as the first draft script with the Lieutenant asking
to talk to Balki, only this time Balki asks, "How did Phil Jr. so on the
SAT's? Uh-huh . . . You know you can take those again."
- After
Balki reminds Marvin to set the timer, Larry struggles to bite Balki.
"Are your shorts riding up again, Cousin?" Balki asks. The line
Balki says about Marshall and Walpole finding out about Larry's mistake in
omitting Marvin from the article and Larry's reaction are still in this script.
-
All the routine with the chair spinning around have been removed, they just head
for the loading dock and then return after a beat, with Larry asking, "Why
didn't you tell me they lock the loading dock after five?" "You
didn't ask," Balki says. "Head for the garage," Larry
suggests, but then Marvin re-enters.
- When
Marvin asks them if they like "diabolical genius" or "criminal
mastermind" better, Balki says that's a tough one and that he likes them
both, asking Marvin if he can hear them again. Marvin repeats them and
Balki then makes the Batman comment.
- Balki's
line about the movie of the week is still in the script. After Balki pulls
the red wire and Larry says, "Balki, you did it! We're alive!"
Balki says, "Cousin, now we are so happy we do the dance of joy" and
they perform it. (If you look at the end of that scene, you can see they
are indeed in position to do the dance of joy.
- When
Jennifer and Mary Anne are leaving and Jennifer asks what Mary Anne's problem is
and that she acted the same way in school when Jennifer was elected class
treasurer, Mary Anne replies, "You got a 'D' in math." The rest
of the script is as seen in the show.
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