Nielsen Rating: 13.1 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 76 - Tooth or Consequences
First Air Date: October 13, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.1 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Paula A. Roth
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guest Cast:
Macon McCalman: Dr. Shukin
Harriet Hall: The Dental Assistant
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode
Balki-isms:
" . . . I’ll have my jaw hot-wired
. . . "
"And we all remember what happened at
the alimony!"
"I happen to be trained in the
marital arts."
"Oh, Cousin, you’re not dumb!"
"Well, we did fill up the tank this
morning, but I suppose we could top it off."
"I’m about to perform an Orel
Hershiser."
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Well, now you’ve done it."
"Well . . . "
"You got that right."
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry talks down to Balki
Songs:
"She’ll Be Comin’ Round the
Mountain" - Larry sings this as "He’ll be drilling through my molars
when he drills" after deciding Balki should fill his tooth.
Interesting facts:
- The night this episode aired was also
the night that Larry and Balki hosted their first set of TGIF segments on
ABC. You can watch this TGIF segment on our YouTube
Channel!
- The title is a pun on Truth or
Consequences which was the title of a very popular game show which began on
radio in the 1940's and then on television from the 50's to the 70's and again
briefly in the 80's. In 1950, a town in New Mexico responded when host
Ralph
Edwards said they would broadcast the show from any town that would rename
itself after the series. The town still bares that name to this day, where
residents of New Mexico typically refer to it by the abbreviated name T & C.
-
The establishing shot of the dentist’s
office shows it is supposed to be in a building at an intersection on North Lake
Shore Drive in Chicago.
- This episode heralds back to classic
dentist episodes of the past, most notably the Laverne and Shirley episode,
The Dentist, in 
which Laverne chips a tooth and Shirley convinces her to visit her
cousin Mikey who is trying to graduate from dental school. In that episode, the girls
also succumb to exposure of laughing gas. Also similar was the Happy Days
episode It Only Hurts When I Smile, where Fonzie is afraid to go to the dentist
when he has a sore tooth.
- Character actor Macon McCalman, who played Dr.
Shukin in this episode, was a veteran of film and television, having appeared in
countless screen projects over the years. He played a recurring role in Three's
Company as Roland Wood, Janet's father. He retired from acting in 1997
and sadly passed away in 2005.
- Harriet Hall, who played the dental assistant,
was also a veteran of film and television, having appeared as a regular on the
soap 
Another
World: Somerset. She retired from acting because of chronic back
problems and sadly she passed away in late 2007. You can view a tribute
page to her posted by her brother, actor Davis hall, by clicking here.
- The wall of the dentist's office has pictures and drawings of mouths.
Oddly enough, there is also a caricature of former President Carter on the wall,
emphasizing his toothy smile (this can be seen clearly in the photo at the top
of this page!)
- Larry’s line, "We don’t need no
stinkin’ dentist," is a reference to the famous line, "We don’t
need no stinkin’ badges," spoken by the spokesman for a group of Mexican
bandits claiming to be local lawmen. As with many quotes of this kind, the line
wasn’t exactly spoken this way in the movie, but it the quote spoken that way
has since taken on a life of its own. You can watch the original scene with the
full quote by clicking here.
- Orel Hershiser is a well-known baseball
player who rose to fame as a pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers. He is
currently a television baseball analyst working for ESPN.
- The little red car Balki carries is the
same one Dimitri was seen with in the episode Car Wars.
- Strangely enough when this episode first
aired, Thomas Miller & Robert Boyett’s names were left off at the very end
of the episode, where they would normally run over the last frames.
Synopsis:
The episode begins one morning in the
apartment. Balki is sitting at the kitchen counter, reading a magazine as he
eats his breakfast, a soy cake. He takes a bite of the toast and lets out a cry
of pain, then recovers as if nothing had happened and 
continues reading.
Larry
enters from his room, straightening his tie. "Hurry up, Balki," Larry
urges, "We’re gonna be late for work." "Oh, just a minute,
Cousin, I’m almost finished with my breakfast," Balki explains. He takes
another bite of soy cake and drops it, grasping the left side of his face and
howling in pain. He recovers again and flips the page of his magazine
nonchalantly. "Is something wrong?" a startled Larry asks.
Balki looks
at him innocently. "No," he answers, "Why?" "You
screamed," Larry points out. "Oh, that!" Balki sighs, "Well,
um . . . as a matter of fact I do have a little pain in my tooth, but it’s
nothing." "Well, it doesn’t sound like nothing," Larry says,
walking over to the counter, "What does it feel like?" "Well, hm
. . . it feels like someone is hammering a huge nail up inside my head . . . and
. . . twisting it . . . and turning it," Balki describes graphically.
"I got it, I got the picture, I got
the picture," Larry assures him, "Balki, buddy, it sounds like you’ve
got a cavity." It’s clear from 
Balki’s expression he doesn’t know
what that is. "A cavity is a hole in your tooth," Larry explains,
"When we get to the office I’ll call and make an appointment for you with
my dentist." "Oh no! No, no, no, no sir," Balki shakes his head,
"I’m not going to no dentist. I’ll go on a liquid diet, I’ll have my
jaw hot-wired, but I’m not going to no dentist, not no way, not no how!"
"Oh, you would love it!" Larry insists, "Oh, it’s too bad you
don’t want to go. ‘Cause they let you sit in a chair that goes up and
down." "Really?" Balki asks. "Oh, and they spray water in
your mouth!" "They do?" "And when you leave they give you
balloons! Oh, a trip to the dentist is like a visit to the amusement park!"
Larry enthuses, "It’s too bad you don’t want to go." "I want
to go to the dentist!" Balki says excitedly. "Well . . . okay, we’ll
make an appointment for you," Larry promises. "Oh, thank you,
Cousin!" Balki says, and he gets up as they head for the door.
At the Chronicle building later that day,
Balki is sitting on the file cabinets in front of Larry’s desk, wearing his
jacket and waiting 
impatiently.
Mr. Gorpley exits his office carrying a stack of
letters and drops them into one of the baskets when he sees Balki sitting.
"Aren’t you supposed to be making your afternoon deliveries?"
Gorpley asks. "I finished, Mr. Gorpley," Balki answers with a smile.
"Aren’t you supposed to be sorting the mail?" Gorpley asks as he
walks up to him. "I finished," Balki answers, "I want to be all
ready when Cousin Larry comes out and says ‘It’s time to go to the dentist!’"
Balki hugs Gorpley’s arms with excitement. "You’re in a hurry to go to
the dentist?" Gorpley asks in disbelief. "Cousin Larry says it’s
more fun than an amusement park!" Balki replies. "Well, actually, it’s
more like the House of Horrors," Gorpley begins, then laughs an evil laugh,
adding, "especially when you see . . . the drill." "Cousin Larry
didn’t mention . . . the drill," Balki says worriedly.
"The drill is the greatest instrument
of torture since alimony," Gorpley promises, "The dentist uses it to
drill holes in your teeth." "Well, ain’t I the lucky one?"
Balki says with relief, "I won’t be needing the drill because I already
got a hole in my tooth. See? See that? See that?" He holds his mouth open
with his hands and points. Gorpley smiles. "Lovely. Well, just wait until
the dentist uses the drill to make that hole bigger . . . and deeper . . . and
wider . . . and . . . " Balki curls up at the thought of it, laying on the
file cabinets in a ball. Mr. Gorpley slaps his hand on the cabinet with glee and
cries, " . . . God, I wish I hadn’t dropped out of dental college! Well,
have fun, Bartokomous, I’m going to lunch. I’ll bring you back a
jawbreaker." Gorpley exits through the parking garage, laughing to himself.
Larry enters from the archives and sees
Balki curled up on the file cabinets as he crosses to his desk. Larry sets down
the books 
he’s carrying and walks around to Balki.
"Tooth bothering you,
Balki?" he asks. Balki sits up and says, "You didn’t tell me about
the drill!" "Who told you about the drill?" Larry asks.
"Mr.
Gorpley," Balki answers, "He tell me that the dentist is going to take
a drill and make the hole in my tooth bigger and wider and deeper and that it’s
going to hurt more than alimony. And we all remember what happened at the
alimony!" "Did Mr. Gorpley scare you?" Larry asks in a
condescending tone. "Well, he . . . " "Did he scare you?"
Larry asks again, "Are you scared? Are you scared of the dentist?"
"No, I’m not scared of the dentist," Balki scoffs, " . . .
scared of the dentist . . . however, I’ve decided that I don’t need
to go to the dentist. I can learn to live with the pain." "You can
live with the pain?" Larry asks. "Yes!" Balki says. Larry barely
touches Balki’s left cheek and Balki cries out in anguish.
"You can’t live with the
pain," Larry states, "Balki, you’ve got to get your tooth taken care
of now. If you don’t, it’ll only hurt 
worse and be harder to fix."
"But there’s . . . just one little problem," Balki says. "What’s
that?" Larry asks. "I’m afraid," Balki confesses, leaning into
Larry and crying. "I know, I know you’re afraid," Larry offers,
patting Balki’s back, "But I wouldn’t make you do anything that was bad
for you. Balki, remember the time you were afraid to have your picture
taken?" "Yeah," Balki says. "‘Cause you thought the camera
was gonna steal part of your soul?" "Yeah." "You remember
what I said?" Larry asks. "Yeah, you said, ‘Balki . . . don’t be
stupid.’" "And you remember the time you were afraid to get into the
elevator?" Larry asks. "Yeah." "Because you thought it would
take you to the center of the earth?" "And you said, ‘Balki . . .
don’t be stupid.’" "And now you ride the elevator all the
time," Larry notes, "and that’s what’s happening now." "I’m riding the elevator?" Balki asks.
"No. You’re being
stupid," Larry clarifies. Balki smiles, saying, "Thank you,
Cousin."
At the dentist’s office, Balki is seated
in the chair and the dental assistant is putting the bib around his neck. Larry
is standing by Balki’s side. The assistant steps on the switch that makes the
chair slowly elevate. Balki smiles broadly and says, "I like that.
Do it
again." "One ride per visit, Balki," Larry says, then tells the
assistant, "This is his first time at the dentist." "Oh, I
see," the assistant smiles. She gets an X-ray negative from the counter and
walks around to Balki’s left side, explaining, "I’m going to put this
little piece of film in your mouth. Open up." Balki opens his mouth
reluctantly. "Bite down gently on the . . . no!" The assistant pulls
his fingers back. "On the tab . . . and be sure to keep your mouth
closed." Balki starts to ask something but she says, "No, no!
It’s
very important to keep your mouth closed. I’m just gonna take some X-rays of
your tooth." She turns to the machine and Balki turns to Larry worriedly.
"Mmmx mmmrays?" Balki hums with
his mouth tightly closed, "Mmme mmidn’t mmmalk mmmbout mmmx mmmrays!"
"What?" Larry asks. "He said, ‘X-rays? We didn’t talk about
X-rays,’" the assistant explains. Balki and Larry give her a look of
surprise so 
she explains, "In this business you get used to people talking
with stuff in their mouths." The assistant busies herself with the machine
again. "Well, nothing to worry about," Larry assures Balki, "An
X-ray is an invisible beam that goes through your face, takes a picture of your
tooth, goes right out the other side. It’s completely safe." Balki looks
more concerned than ever and mumbles something else through his closed mouth.
"What?" Larry asks again. The assistant looks disturbed and explains,
"He said ‘What if the X-ray gets stuck in my head and makes a hole in my
brain?’" Larry puts a hand on Balki’s shoulder and smiles, saying,
"Trust me." Balki turns to the assistant and start mumbling to her
with his mouth closed, pointing to Larry and turning his eyes upward. The
assistant nods her head and says, "Well, you’ve got a good point
there!" She takes the negative from his mouth and adds, "Uh, I’ll
just take this and I think I’ll let the doctor look at him first and then we’ll
take the X-rays." She leaves the room.
"You know, you are really being a big
baby about all this," Larry scolds. "I’m sorry, Cousin," Balki
says in a guilty tone. "It’s okay," Larry sighs. "Thank
you." Balki points to the tray in front of him, singling out the drill, and
asks, "Cousin . . . what . . . what is this?" "Oh, look!"
Larry says, distracting Balki by taking one of the items attached to the tray,
"Here’s the air blower!" Larry 
blows air on Balki’s face.
"No, no, not that . . . " Balki giggles as the air hits him, "No,
no . . . not that. What is this?" "Oh, and here’s the water
sprayer!" Larry takes it and sprays Balki with the water, first in a spray
then in a stream. "No, not that . . . not that, Cousin" Balki repeats,
"What is . . . what is this?" "Oh, and look! The saliva
sucker!" Larry takes it off and sticks it into Balki’s mouth, making
Balki’s eyes grow wide. "I’m just desperate to know," Balki says,
taking the drill from its place, "What is this?" "Oh that!"
Larry says. The drill starts running with its high-pitched squeal. "Would
it be . . . the drill?" Balki asks. "Yes, that’s the drill,"
Larry admits, taking it from Balki, "But it won’t be painful. It won’t
hurt a bit after your shot." Balki grabs Larry desperately, starting the
drill again. "I’m going to be shot?" Balki cries. "No, no,
no," Larry says, "nothing like that. The doctor is just gonna stick a
needle in your cheek." "I’m outta here," Balki insists, trying
to get out of the chair. Larry holds him back and they struggle.
Dr. Shukin enters, saying, "Hello,
Larry. Well, I hear we have a nervous patient." "Hello, Doctor,"
Larry greets him. Larry then firmly says, "Balki," and he pushes Balki’s
head back against the chair, "This is Dr. Shukin." Dr. Shukin steps
toward Balki. "Don’t . . . you . . . touch me," Balki warns the
doctor, "I happen to be trained in the marital arts." Balki starts
making karate-style motions. "All right, stop it! Stop it!" Larry
scolds, then turns to the doctor to explain, "He’s never had a cavity
before." "Well, let’s take a look," Dr. Shukin suggests,
grabbing an examination tool from his tray. "Now open wide," Dr.
Shukin says. Balki sees the instrument and closes his mouth and eyes tightly.
"A little wider," Dr. Shukin suggests. "All right, all
right," Larry sighs, "Look, I’ll tell you what . . . why don’t I
let the doctor look in my mouth first, okay? And that way you’ll see that
nothing bad is going to happen. All right?"
Balki looks from Larry to the dentist and
finally hums, "Mm-kay." Balki gets out of the chair and Larry takes
his place. "All right 
now," Dr. Shukin begins, "Open wide."
Larry complies. "Tell me if this hurts." Dr. Shukin touches one of
Larry’s teeth with the examination tool. "No," Larry tells the
dentist, then eyes at Balki with an "I told you so" look. "How
about this?" Dr. Shukin asks, touching another place. "No," Larry
says smugly, then to Balki, "I told you it wouldn’t hurt." "This?" Dr. Shukin asks, pushing the tool into another spot.
Larry
screams in pain and looks shocked. "What’re you doing?" Larry cries.
"You’ve lost a filling," Dr. Shukin explains. "Well, fine, I’ll
make an appointment for next month," Larry says, "Balki you’re
up." Larry starts to stand up but Dr. Shukin pushes him back into the
chair. "Oh now hold on, Larry. You’ve got to get this taken care of today
or it could get much worse." Balki eyes Larry and then pushes Larry’s
head back against the chair as the scene fades.
Act two begins with Larry still in the
dentist chair and Dr. Shukin approaching him with something behind his back.
"All right now, 
I’m just going to numb your tooth so I can work on
it." Dr. Shukin produces a needle and Larry grabs the man’s wrist,
saying, "No needles! No needles!" "Well, Larry, this is just a
little novocaine," the dentist explains. "I don’t want any,"
Larry insists, "I don’t like being numb." "Oh, Cousin, you’re
not dumb!" Balki assures him. Both Larry and Dr. Shukin give Balki a long
look. "Well, I guess I’ll just have to give you gas," Dr. Shukin
decides, setting the needle down on the tray. "Well, we did fill up the
tank this morning," Balki says, "but I suppose we could top it
off." "Oh, no no no," Dr. Shukin laughs, moving to a large tank
against the wall, "This is nitrous oxide. Won’t hurt him."
The
doctor turns the valve on the tank and then brings a nose mask over to the chair
which he puts on Larry. "He’ll just feel very relaxed and maybe a little
giggly. How’s that feel, Larry?" "I feel so much better," Larry
assures him, "So much better. Did I mention how much better I feel?"
"Now you just relax, Larry, and I’ll
be right back after I check your X-rays," Dr. Shukin says, patting Larry on
the shoulder before 
leaving.
"No problem," Larry smiles. The dentist
closes the door behind him and Larry immediately pulls the mask down off his
nose. "All right, Balki, we’re out of here!" Larry exclaims.
"Oh no you don’t!" Balki argues, pushing Larry’s head back onto
the chair and putting the mask back over his nose. "Balki!" Larry
cries, "What are you doing?" "Cousin, don’t you remember?
You
said to me that sometimes we have to do things that we’re afraid of because it’s
for our own good." "All right, all right, all right!" Larry
cries. "All right?" Balki asks, removing his hand from the mask.
"Balki . . . I am an adult!" Larry notes, "I can make my own
decisions. And I have decided to leave and there is nothing you can do to make
me stay!" Larry pulls the mask from his face so hard that it pulls the end
of the tube from the nitrous oxide tank. Gas starts escaping into the room.
"Well, now you’ve done it,"
Balki states, "I hope you’re satisfied." "We can fix it,"
Larry says calmly. He gets out of the chair and 
both he and Balki walk over to
the tank, standing right in the stream of the escaping gas. Larry turns the
valve on the tank until it suddenly pops off. He drops the valve into the sink
and tries to turn the knob on the top with his fingers, but he and Balki are
both becoming relaxed and loopy. Finally Larry turns to look at Balki and they
both burst into laughter. Balki shushes them but they continue to giggle.
"Cousin, Cousin," Balki says, "I can fix it!" They both
laugh at this and change places. Balki looks into the nozzle and says, "I
need something sharp." Larry looks at the tray and picks up the needle full
of novocaine. "Something sharp?" Larry asks. "Yeah," Balki
says. "Well, how about this?" Larry absent-mindedly holds the needle
out to Balki but instead of handing it to him he jabs it into Balki’s arm.
Balki reacts slowly, turning to look down at his arm. "I’ve been
shot!" Balki states. Larry pulls the needle from Balki’s arm and looks at
it. "I think you’re down a quart," he says, and they both fall over
each other laughing again. "I think you’re down a quart!" Larry
repeats, as they continue to laugh hysterically. Larry tosses the needle into
the sink.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute," Larry laughs, "I got an idea." "What?" Balki
asks. "We don’t need no stinkin’ 
dentist," Larry says, "You
fill my tooth!" "Okay!" Balki laughs. They make their way to
the chair and Balki says, "Oh po po!" as Larry sings, "He’ll be
drilling through my molars when he drills . . . " Larry continues to sing
even when Balki has opened Larry’s mouth and has his fingers inside holding it
open. "You know what?" Balki asks, "You know what? There is not
sufficient light in this room for me to fill your tooth so . . . " Balki
laughs a long laugh, " . . . so you’re gonna have to help me . . . move
the chair. Come on, I’ll help you out of the chair." Balki grabs Larry by
the hair and lifts him out of the chair. They move to either side of the chair
and lean down to grab each side. "Okay, Cousin," Balki says,
"Ready? Ready? One, two, three . . . " They both strain against the
chair, pulling with all their might, but it doesn’t budge. They stop and after
a moment Larry asks, "Better?" "Much," Balki replies.
"Okay," Larry sighs. "Thank you," Balki offers.
Larry gets back into the chair, giggling.
"Oh gosh," Balki says, still on Larry’s left side, "Okay now I
gotta . . . I gotta get that 
drill."
Balki tries to lift his left arm but
it won’t move. He tries to throw it over the chair as Larry laughs.
Finally
Balki lifts his numb arm with his other hand and drops it across the sink.
"Cousin . . . Cousin," Balki says, "I can’t feel my arm."
Larry reaches out and grabs Balki’s numb arm and asks, "You sure? I
can feel it!" They both break up laughing again. "Well, then, I must
be okay," Balki deduces, lifting his limp arm and dropping it into Larry’s
lap. "Now I’m gonna go around the other side," Balki announces,
walking around to the right side of the chair. As he does so, he pulls his numb
arm behind him, almost strangling Larry with it. Balki uses his leg to pull his
numb arm free and then pulls the tray closer to them. "Oh dear," Balki
laughs as he picks up the drill and starts it, "Now, now . . . let’s have
a look! Open wide!" Larry continues to laugh as Balki starts toward his
mouth with the drill. At this moment Dr. Shukin comes back in. "Stop!"
the dentist cries, "What’s going on here?" "Well, if you must
know," Balki explains, "I’m about to perform an Orel Hershiser."
Balki and Larry laugh hysterically and Balki falls across Larry’s lap.
Back at the apartment, Larry opens the
door and enters. "Well . . . it’s been a rich, full day, hasn’t
it?" he asks. Balki enters, 
holding a handful of balloons, a little toy car
and wearing surgical gloves. "You got that right," Balki smiles,
"We got our teeth filled, I got this very handsome pair of gloves, and we
learned how to clean up a dentist’s office." Larry takes Balki’s jacket
and closes the door, hanging both of their jackets on the door. "You know,
I would have thought Dr. Shukin would have been more upset about the mess we
made," Larry muses. "Well, you know, I think it’s because he likes
us," Balki says, "I hear him tell his assistant that he was going to
put a little something extra on our bill." "That’s fair," Larry
nods. Balki goes into the kitchen and gets a carton of milk and two glasses,
bringing them to the counter. Larry sits on the opposite side. "Cousin, I
want to thank you for making me go to the dentist even though I didn’t want
to," Balki says.
"Well, like I said, sometimes you
have to do things you’re afraid of," Larry answers. "Yeah, and when
you do . . . it’s nice to have a friend there to help you," Balki adds,
"I’m glad you were with me." "Well, I’m glad you were with
me," Larry smiles, "If you weren’t, I never would have gotten over
my fear of needles. Boy, that novacaine is powerful stuff." "Boy, tell
me about it," Balki sighs, "I didn’t feel a thing. So, Cousin, going
to the dentist wasn’t all that bad. But, I can think of a lot better ways to
spend an afternoon." "Well, I’ll drink to that," Larry agrees.
They lift their glasses to clink together, then both drink. After a moment, milk
spills out of both of their mouths and down their shirts. Larry sees the milk
running out of Balki’s mouth and smirks, saying, "Careful, Balki. You’re
dribbling all over yourself." Larry takes another drink and the milk again
runs out of the corner of his mouth. He and Balki smile at each other.
Script Variations:
There are some major differences between the
first draft script dated August 23, 1989 and the aired episode:
- The
episode begins with Balki sitting at the dining room table, writing. He
takes a bite out of a candy bar and puts his hand to his face in pain.
Larry enters from his room and says, "Good morning, Balki." He
crosses to the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee. "Good
morning, Cousin," Balki greets him. "Writing a letter to
Mama?" Larry asks. "No, I wrote to her yesterday," Balki
answers, "This is my last will and dinner mint." "That's
testament," Larry corrects, "You know, that's a very wise thing to
do. It's never too early to make sure your affairs are in order. I
wrote my first will when I was eight. I revise it every year. So,
what am I getting?" "I'm leaving you my most prized possession
in the entire world," Balki says, "The secret recipe for the cream
filling in bibibabkas (yes, this is how Paula Roth spells it - I believe I've
seen it spelled both ways to date). Use it wisely. Good bye,
Cousin." Balki hugs Larry. "Balki, just because you're
making out your will doesn't mean you're going to die," Larry points
out. "It does when you have a pain in your head the size of a
Buick," Balki replies. "Balki, if you're really concerned about
this pain, you should go to the doctor." "There's no need to go
to the doctor, Cousin. You see, my old Uncle Spyros had a pain in his head
just like mine. Now he sleeps with the chickens. Of course, he
always slept with the chickens, but now he doesn't get up with them."
"Your old Uncle Spyros?" Larry asks, "Exactly how old was
your old Uncle Spyros?" "A hundred and three," Balki
answers, "So, you can imagine our shock when three days after his pain
started, he was dead. My pain started two and a half days ago, so I have
to finish this by noon." Balki continues writing and takes another
bite of the candy bar, wincing in pain. "Tell me, is this pain worse
when you eat?" Larry asks. "Like someone is hammering a huge
nail up into my head and twisting and turning it until . . . " Balki
explains. "I get the picture," Larry cuts him off, "Balki,
buddy, it sounds like you've got yourself a cavity." "And I'm
not going to live to enjoy it," Balki sighs with disappointment.
"A cavity is a hole in your tooth," Larry explains. Balki starts
to write quickly. "Oh, God, I have less time than I thought. My
brain could fall out through the hole in my tooth any minute!" "Balki,
Balki, calm down. You're not dying. Your brain isn't going to fall
out. All you have to do is go to the dentist, he'll fix the tooth and
you'll be good as new." "All I have to do is go to the dentist,
he'll fix my tooth and I'll be good as new?" Balki asks. "Just
go to the dentist, he'll fix the tooth and you'll be as good as new," Larry
confirms, "You do know what a dentist is, don't you?" "Well
of course I do, don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "Bob's friend,
Jerry, the dentist on the old Bob Newhart show." "Well, yes, but
. . . " "And Rob and Laura's neighbor, Jerry, the dentist on the
old Dick Van Dyke show." "Yes, but . . . " "Bad
news, Cousin, they're out of business. Both those shows are off the
air," Balki sighs sadly. "Balki, dentists aren't just TV
characters, they exist in real life," Larry explains. "Are they
all named Jerry?" Balki asks. "No. Balki, didn't you have
dentists on Mypos?" "What for?" Balki asks, "No one
ever has holes in their teeth." "I guess in a strange way that makes
sense," Larry realizes, "On Mypos you don't have refined sugar, so
naturally you would have excellent teeth." "Then why am I the
first Mypiot with a cavity?" Balki asks. "Because ever since you
came to this country, you've been eating food that can cause tooth decay,"
Larry explains, picking up the candy bar, "Like this." "You
mean my chocolate covered nougat with the surprise center?" Balki asks,
"I have no idea what nougat is, but it tastes so good. How can it be
bad for me?" "It's a basic law of nature," Larry says,
"If something tastes good, it's bad for you. If it tastes bad, it's
good for you." "Bummer," Balki sighs. "I
know. Now when we get to work, I'll make an appointment for you to see my
dentist." "Cousin, will it hurt to have my tooth fixed?"
Balki asks as they get their coats. "Not at all," Larry
promises, "Modern dentistry is painless. In fact, a trip to the
dentist is like going to an amusement park. You get to sit in a chair that
goes up and down." "Like a merry-go-round?" Balki
asks. "Yes. And that's not all. You'll get water sprayed
in your mouth." "Like at Wet 'n Wild Water Park?"
"On a smaller scale," Larry confirms. "Wow," Balki
gasps. "So you see, Balki, you'll be just fine." They head
out the door. "Cousin, when I get to work, remind me to call mama and
tell her to cancel my funeral arrangements. I hope I catch her before she
orders the fireworks." They exit.
- The scene at the
office with Mr. Gorpley starts out much the same, until Gorpley mentions the
House of Horrors. "Oh, I love the 'House of Horrors,'" Balki
smiles, "Especially when things jump out and scare you."
"Oh, you'll be scared all right," Gorpley promises, "Especially
when you see 'The Drill.'" "Cousin Larry didn't mention 'The
Drill,'" Balki says, "Is that another fun thing to play with like the
air blower?" "Oh, it's fun all right, if you're a fan of
pain." "Pain?" Balki asks, worried. "The drill
is the greatest instrument of torture since the rack." Gorpley then
explains about making the holes in Balki's teeth bigger as in the show, all the
way until he wishes he hadn't dropped out of dental college and exits.
- When Larry comes out
of the archives, Balki runs to him. "Cousin, have you ever heard of
something called 'The Drill?'" "Who told you about the
drill?" Larry asks. "Mr. Gorpley. He said that the dentist
is going to make the hole in my tooth bigger and bigger and that it will hurt
more than the rack. Whatever that is." "Balki, Gorpley was
just trying to scare you," Larry explains. "Well, it
worked," Balki admits. "Going to the dentist isn't as bad as
Gorpley says it is," Larry promises. "Is it as much fun as you
say it is?" Balki asks. "Well, I may have exaggerated a
little," Larry confesses. Balki then says he doesn't think he needs
to go to the dentist and Larry says that if he doesn't it will get worse.
Balki admits he's afraid and Larry says, "I know you are. But
sometimes in life you have to do things that you're afraid of. In the end
you realize that it was the right thing to do." Larry puts on his
jacket. "Cousin, will you be with me the whole time?"
"I won't leave you for a second, I promise." "How close
will you be?" Balki asks. "As close as you want me to be,"
Larry says. "How about right between me and the dentist?" Balki
asks. "I don't think so," Larry states as they leave.
- The dentist
office is described as "a typical state of the art dentist's office.
There is an X-ray machine above the chair, and a glass and lead partition
nearby. Balki and Larry enter with the dental assistant. She has
been through this routine a hundred times before." "Just sit in
the chair and make yourself comfortable," she tells Balki. Balki
hesitates. "Go ahead, Balki," Larry encourages, "I'm right
here." Balki sits in the chair and the assistant raises it.
Balki likes the chair going up and Larry tells her it's Balki's first time at
the dentist. The assistant tells Balki she's going to take some x-rays of
his tooth and Balki says to Larry (without the negative in his mouth) that they
didn't talk about x-rays. Larry explains it as "The x-ray just goes
through your face, takes a picture of your tooth and then goes through the other
side." "Well, you tell Ray to get out of my face," Balki
snaps. "No, Balki. An x-ray is an invisible beam. It's
completely safe. Now here, put this lead vest on for protection,"
Larry says. "I'm out of here," Balki cries, and starts to
go. "Did I say protection?" Larry backtracks, "I meant
tradition. It's a dental tradition. Kind of a ceremonial
garb." Larry takes the lead vest from the assistant and puts it on
Balki. "Ooh," Balki says, liking it, "Do I get to wear a
hat?" "Maybe next time," Larry answers. The assistant
puts film in Balki's mouth and adjusts the machine. Larry and the
assistant step behind the shield. Balki tries to avoid the machine but it
seems to be following him. As a last resort, Balki pulls the lead vest
over his head. "Please don't do that," the assistant asks.
"Let me talk to him," Larry suggests. Larry walks out from
behind the shield. "Balki, the machine isn't going to hurt
you." Balki says, with his mouth full, "Oh really? Then
why do you have to stand way over there when it's on?" "Speak
English," Larry suggests. "I am," Balki mumbles.
"He said, 'Oh really? Then why do you have to stand way over there
when it's on?'" Off Larry's look she adds, "In this business you
get used to people talking with stuff on their mouths." She tells
Balki, "All I need is one little picture. I promise it won't
hurt." "Okay," Balki agrees. Larry and the assistant
go behind the shield and she takes the x-ray. They step back out and she
takes the vest off Balki and removes the film from his mouth. "I'm
going to go develop this," she tells them, "The doctor will be in to
see you soon." She exits. "That didn't hurt at all,"
Balki says. "See, I told you that nothing bad would happen,"
Larry notes.
- Balki
asks about the drill, pointing to it, and Larry tries to distract him with the
air blower, the water sprayer and Balki's favorite, the saliva sucker (although
he doesn't actually use any of them in this version). Balki points to the
drill again and Larry says, "Oh, and look at this. This is the spit
sink." Balki has to grab Larry by the shirt and point to the drill
again. Larry finally admits it is, indeed, the drill. "The
Drill!" Balki cries, "Mr. Gorpley was right." Dr. Shukin
enters, saying, "Hello, Larry." "Hello, doctor," Larry
greets him, "Balki, this is Dr. Shukin." "Call me
Jerry," Dr. Shukin says. "What show are you on?" Balki
asks. "Well, the wife and I were on the Newlywed Game once," Dr.
Shukin answers. Larry explains Balki is nervous and Dr. Shukin tells Balki
to open wide. Balki keeps his mouth clamped shut and Dr. Shukin suggests,
"A little wider." "Balki, the doctor can't make your tooth
stop hurting if you don't let him look at it," Larry says. Quickly,
Balki answers, "But he can make it hurt a lot more if I do."
Balki clamps his mouth shut again. The part about Larry suggesting the
dentist look in his mouth first and the way Dr. Shukin checks him and finds the
lost filling is the same. "This doesn't look good," Dr. Shukin
says. "He's right, Cousin," Balki agrees, looking into Larry's
mouth. Balki and the doctor shake their heads. Larry has hands and
instruments in his mouth and mumbles, "What's going on?"
"What did he say?" Balki asks. "I have no idea," Dr.
Shukin admits, "My assistant is much better at that than I am."
Larry takes the dentist's hand out of his mouth and asks what's going on
again. Dr. Shukin tells him he's lost a filling and Larry says he'll make
an appointment next month. The doctor insists it must be taken care of
before it gets worse. "Remember, Cousin," Balki says, "It's
just like an amusement park. Only you get to go on the rides
first." This is the end of Act One.
- The
second act begin with Larry in the chair with Balki next to him. Dr.
Shukin is at a table with his back to them. "Balki, what's Dr. Shukin
doing?" Larry asks. "Nothing . . . " Balki answers,
"except hiding a big needle behind his back." Larry's reaction
to the needle is the same until he says, "I don't like being
numb." "Oh Cousin, you're not dumb," Balki insists,
"You're a little slow to catch on to life's little lessons, but you're not
dumb." "Numb. Numb," Larry corrects, "I hate
being numb." "Oh. Well, in that case, I'm sorry about the
'slow to catch on' remark," Balki offers. "I guess I'll just
have to give you gas," Dr. Shukin sighs. "Now wait a
minute," Balki protests, "I know Cousin Larry can be stubborn, but
that's no reason to gas him." After Dr. Shukin puts the mask on Larry
and he says, "Did I mention how much better I feel?" Balki asks,
"So you're feeling better?" "Much," Larry confirms.
- After Dr. Shukin
leaves and Larry pulls the mark off and says they're getting out of there, Balki
asks, "What happened to (IMITATING RELAXED LARRY) 'I feel so much
better'?" "I lied. Now let's go." Balki pushes
Larry back into the chair and says, "I don't think so." After
putting the mask back on Larry and reminding him how he had said sometimes one
has to do things they're afraid of, Larry takes off the mask and says, "Oh
I see, you think I want to leave because I'm afraid." "That
would be my guess," Balki confirms. "Well you're wrong,"
Larry argues, "It just so happens that I have a very busy schedule and darn
it, I just can't fit this in." Larry tries to get up and Balki pushes
him back. Balki says he's doing it for Larry's own good and Larry makes
the remark about being an adult and that he's leaving. "Oh
really?" Balki asks. Balki throws the lead vest over Larry which
immobilizes him long enough for Balki to get the mask back over his nose.
Larry is getting giddy. "Okay, so there is one thing," Larry
laughs. "Will you stay and let Dr. Shukin fix your tooth?" Balki
asks. "I'll be good, I promise," Larry says, "But could you
take the vest off? Please?" "Alright," Balki agrees,
removing the best. As soon as his arms are free, Larry rips off the mask,
pulling it out of the tank. "Well, now you broke it," Balki
points out, "I hope you're satisfied." "I won't be
satisfied 'til I'm out of here," Larry says. "You'll have to get
by me," Balki says. Larry grabs a hose and points it at Balki.
"I'll shoot my way out if I have to." "Then you should have
had the sun at you back," Balki replies, grabbing the examining light and
shining it in Larry's face, momentarily blinding him. "You
underestimate me," Larry counters, covering his eyes and shooting Balki.
Unfortunately, he's chosen the air hose. "Too bad, Cousin,"
Balki says, "You're shooting on empty." Balki grabs the water
hose and sprays Larry. Larry grabs the novacaine needle off the instrument
tray. "Alright, you leave me no choice!" Larry threatens.
Balki defends himself with the water hose and the saliva sucker which gets stuck
on Larry's cheek. In the struggle, Balki is accidentally stuck in the
arm. "Cousin, I can't feel my arm," Balki says. "Are
you sure?" Larry asks. "Yes." "Tough,"
Larry says. Larry makes a run for the door and Balki runs after him.
He grabs Larry with his good arm and flings his "dead" arm around
Larry, but it keeps falling off. Finally, Balki is able to drag Larry back
to the chair. By now both guys are very giddy. This is when Larry
makes the "we don't need no stinkin' dentist" comment and suggests
Balki fills his tooth. "It makes sense to me. Though I don't
know why," Balki agrees. Balki reaches for the drill with his
"dead" arm. He can't hold on. He tries this several
times. "No, that won't work," Balki realizes. "I
know," Larry says, "I'll fill your tooth first, and by the time I
finish your arm won't be dead anymore, so you can fill mine."
"Cousin, that's a brilliant idea," Balki agrees, "Change places
with me." Before Larry can move, Balki sits down on the chair.
He is now on top of Larry. They find this extremely funny.
"Wait a minute. Wait a minute," Larry says, "It won't work
this way." "You're right, Cousin," Balki agrees. They
get up and walk around the chair and resume the exact same positions in the
chair. "There, that's better," Larry says. "Okay,
Cousin, open wide," Balki says, preparing to drill. "Just take a
little off the top," Larry says. Dr. Shukin enters and asks, "Balki?
Larry?" "Hi," Balki and Larry say together, then are
hysterical with laughter.
- The last scene is
the same until Larry says, "And I'm glad you were with me. If you
weren't, I never would have gotten over my fear of novacaine. Boy, that's
powerful stuff." "Tell me about it," Balki agrees, "I
didn't feel a thing when Dr. Shukin used 'The Drill.'" Balki starts
to unwrap a candy bar, but changes his mind. "No Nougat
Surprise?" Larry asks. "I've decided to cut down," Balki
says, then he says going to the dentist wasn't so bad but he can think of a lot
of better ways to spend an afternoon. The rest of the episode is the same
as what aired.
There are also a few differences
in the shooting draft dated August 20, 1989:
- The first scene is
mostly the same, except when Larry says he'll make an appointment for Balki with
his dentist. Balki screams in horror and says, "No, no . . . not that
. . . not the dentist. I'm not going to the dentist. I'll go on a
liquid diet. I'll have my jaw hot-wired. No dentist. No way,
no how." "Balki, relax," Larry urges, "Have you ever
been to a dentist?" "No, but I've seen one in action. On
Mypos we have one dentist. Molar the terrible. Once I saw him
perform a tooth extraction on Glinki the Meek. When the horses got tired
of pulling they had to switch to oxen. They dragged Glinki all over the
island trying to get that tooth out. It wasn't pretty, Cousin."
"Did Glinki have a cavity?" Larry asks. "Oh, no. This
was strictly cosmetic," Balki explains. "Well, things are a
little different in America," Larry explains, "Our dentistry is
painless." "Come on," Balki scoffs. "Yes.
They use only state of the art equipment and no farm animals."
"Next you're going to tell me it's done indoors," Balki says.
"As a matter of fact it is," Larry states.
"Really?" "Yes." "Get out of the
city!" This is when Larry starts telling Balki how fun it is to go to
the dentist. At the end of the scene, as they're leaving for work, Balki
says, "Cousin, if Mama ever comes from Mypos to visit, I say we forget
Disneyland and take her to the dentist." "That would be a day
she wouldn't forget," Larry agrees.
- In this version,
Balki is sorting mail while waiting for Larry to tell him it's time to go.
After Gorpley mentions "The Drill," Balki says, "Cousin Larry
didn't mention 'The Drill.' That doesn't sound like fun."
"Oh, it's fun alright, if you're a fan of pain," Gorpley smiles.
"Pain?" Balki asks worriedly. Then Gorpley says it's the
greatest instrument of torture since alimony. After Balki says he's lucky
because he's already got a hole in his tooth, Gorpley says, "Oh,
lovely. The dentist uses the drill to make the hole bigger. I'll bet
it hurts you now, doesn't it?" "Yes," Balki answers.
Then Gorpley says how the dentist will make the hole bigger and wider and
deeper.
- After Larry points
out all the things Balki used to be afraid of and tells Balki, "No, you're
being stupid." Balki says, "Thank you, Cousin." The
scene then goes on. "See, you're afraid to do something because you
haven't done it before. But sometimes in life you have to do things that
you're afraid of. In the end you realize that it was the right thing to
do. Now come on, let's go." Larry puts on his jacket.
"Cousin, you'll be with me the whole time, won't you?" Balki
asks. "I won't leave you for a second, I promise," Larry says,
"Don't worry, Balki. It'll be fine." "Tell me again
about the vacuum that sucks out your saliva," Balki begs, "What did
you call it?" "A saliva sucker," Larry answers.
"Do you think we could get one for the car?" Balki asks.
"I'll look into it," Larry says as they exit the office.
- The first scene at
the dentist starts the same as in the first draft, with the assistant having
Balki take a seat. After Balki is worried about the x-ray and Larry says,
"Trust me," Balki asks, "What?" "He says, 'Trust
me,'" the assistant fills in. She then removes the film from Balki's
mouth and Balki doesn't talk to her about Larry's trust at all. After she
leaves and Balki finds the drill and Larry explains that the dentist is going to
stick a needle in Balki's cheek, instead of saying, "I'm outta here,"
Balki says, "Needle in my cheek! I suppose it comes out the other
side, too!"
- Balki tells the
dentist, "Don't touch me. I know karate." After Balki
refuses to open his mouth (and in this version the assistant enters with a tray
at this point), Larry says, "Balki, the doctor can't help you if you don't
open your mouth." With his mouth closed, Balki replies, "But he
can't hurt me, either." "What?" Larry asks. "He
said, 'But he can't hurt me, either,'" the assistant explains, and then she
exits. At the end of the scene, Balki's line about Larry getting to go on
the rides first from the first draft script is still there, and then Balki asks
the dentist, "Will you by any chance by using 'The Drill?'"
- The part about Dr.
Shukin having their back to them and Balki telling Larry he's hiding a big
needle behind his back is also still in this script. The same with Balki's
comment about "You're a little slow to catch on to life's little
lessons" and his subsequent apology.
- After Larry tries to
repair the valve and he and Balki burst out laughing, Larry says, "We're
breathing in way too much of this stuff. We better hold our
breaths." They try to hold their breath for a beat ten explode with
laughter. Balki look closely at Larry's face. "You know,
Cousin, if you took a pen and connected the freckles on your nose . . . you'd
have ink on your nose." They laugh hysterically. "We'd
better figure out how to stop this," Larry notes. "Cousin, let
me try," Balki says, then asks for something sharp. After Larry
sticks Balki in the arm, Balki says, "I've been shot!" When
Larry pulls the needle out, Balki says, "Don't worry. It's only a
flesh wound," and they laugh. (Larry's comment about being down a
quart is not in this script)
-
Instead of singing "He'll be drilling through my molar when he
drills," Larry sings a parody of Annie's song instead which goes, "You
fill up my molar, like a drill in the forest . . . "
-
Instead of Balki pulling his arm around the chair, after he can't reach the
drill Larry gets out of the chair and says, "Wait a minute. I've got
a better idea. You sit in the chair and I'll fill your tooth."
"No, Cousin," Balki argues, "I'll sit in the chair and you fill
my tooth." "No. You sit in the chair and I'll fill your
tooth," Larry counters. "Fine. Have it your way,"
Balki says. "Thank you," Larry answers, then sits back in the
chair. The rest of the scene is the same, except after Balki makes the
"Orel Hershiser" joke Larry says, "Isn't he great? Where
does he come up with them?"
- The
rest of the show is the same, except for one part after Balki says, "I
didn't feel a thing," he goes on to say, "In fact, I still can't feel
a thing. How long will my face by numb?" "It'll wear off
in a few hours," Larry explains.
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