Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 76 - Tooth or Consequences

First Air Date: October 13, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.1 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Paula A. Roth
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Guest Cast:
Macon McCalman: Dr. Shukin
Harriet Hall: The Dental Assistant

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode

Balki-isms:
" . . . I’ll have my jaw hot-wired . . . "
"And we all remember what happened at the alimony!"
"I happen to be trained in the marital arts."
"Oh, Cousin, you’re not dumb!"
"Well, we did fill up the tank this morning, but I suppose we could top it off."
"I’m about to perform an Orel Hershiser."

Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Well, now you’ve done it."
"Well . . . "
"You got that right."

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry talks down to Balki

Songs:
"She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain" - Larry sings this as "He’ll be drilling through my molars when he drills" after deciding Balki should fill his tooth.

Interesting facts:
- The night this episode aired was also the night that Larry and Balki hosted their first set of TGIF segments on ABC.  You can watch this TGIF segment on our YouTube Channel!
- The title is a pun on Truth or Consequences which was the title of a very popular game show which began on radio in the 1940's and then on television from the 50's to the 70's and again briefly in the 80's.  In 1950, a town in New Mexico responded when host Ralph Edwards said they would broadcast the show from any town that would rename itself after the series.  The town still bares that name to this day, where residents of New Mexico typically refer to it by the abbreviated name T & C.
- The establishing shot of  the dentist’s office shows it is supposed to be in a building at an intersection on North Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.
- This episode heralds back to classic dentist episodes of the past, most notably the Laverne and Shirley episode, The Dentist, in which Laverne chips a tooth and Shirley convinces her to visit her cousin Mikey who is trying to graduate from dental school.  In that episode, the girls also succumb to exposure of laughing gas.  Also similar was the Happy Days episode It Only Hurts When I Smile, where Fonzie is afraid to go to the dentist when he has a sore tooth.
- Character actor Macon McCalman, who played Dr. Shukin in this episode, was a veteran of film and television, having appeared in countless screen projects over the years.  He played a recurring role in Three's Company as Roland Wood, Janet's father.  He retired from acting in 1997 and sadly passed away in 2005.
- Harriet Hall, who played the dental assistant, was also a veteran of film and television, having appeared as a regular on the soap Another World: Somerset.  She retired from acting because of chronic back problems and sadly she passed away in late 2007.  You can view a tribute page to her posted by her brother, actor Davis Hall, by clicking here.
- The wall of the dentist's office has pictures and drawings of mouths.  Oddly enough, there is also a caricature of former President Carter on the wall, emphasizing his toothy smile (this can be seen clearly in the photo at the top of this page!)
- Larry’s line, "We don’t need no stinkin’ dentist," is a reference to the famous line, "We don’t need no stinkin’ badges," spoken by the spokesman for a group of Mexican bandits claiming to be local lawmen in the movie Treasure of the Sierra Madre.  As with many quotes of this kind, the line wasn’t exactly spoken this way in the movie, but it the quote spoken that way has since taken on a life of its own.  You can watch the original scene with the full quote by clicking here.
- Orel Hershiser is a well-known baseball player who rose to fame as a pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers.  He is currently a television baseball analyst working for ESPN.
- The little red car Balki carries is the same one Dimitri was seen with in the episode Car Wars.
- Strangely enough when this episode first aired, Thomas Miller & Robert Boyett’s names were left off at the very end of the episode, where they would normally run over the last frames.

Synopsis:
The episode begins one morning in the apartment.  Balki is sitting at the kitchen counter, reading a magazine as he eats his breakfast, a soy cake.  He takes a bite of the toast and lets out a cry of pain, then recovers as if nothing had happened and continues reading.  Larry enters from his room, straightening his tie.  "Hurry up, Balki," Larry urges, "We’re gonna be late for work."  "Oh, just a minute, Cousin, I’m almost finished with my breakfast," Balki explains.  He takes another bite of soy cake and drops it, grasping the left side of his face and howling in pain.  He recovers again and flips the page of his magazine nonchalantly.  "Is something wrong?" a startled Larry asks.  Balki looks at him innocently.  "No," he answers, "Why?"  "You screamed," Larry points out.  "Oh, that!" Balki sighs, "Well, um . . . as a matter of fact I do have a little pain in my tooth, but it’s nothing."  "Well, it doesn’t sound like nothing," Larry says, walking over to the counter, "What does it feel like?"  "Well, hm . . . it feels like someone is hammering a huge nail up inside my head . . . and . . . twisting it . . . and turning it," Balki describes graphically.

"I got it, I got the picture, I got the picture," Larry assures him, "Balki, buddy, it sounds like you’ve got a cavity."  It’s clear from Balki’s expression he doesn’t know what that is.  "A cavity is a hole in your tooth," Larry explains, "When we get to the office I’ll call and make an appointment for you with my dentist."  "Oh no!  No, no, no, no sir," Balki shakes his head, "I’m not going to no dentist.  I’ll go on a liquid diet, I’ll have my jaw hot-wired, but I’m not going to no dentist, not no way, not no how!"  "Oh, you would love it!" Larry insists, "Oh, it’s too bad you don’t want to go.  ‘Cause they let you sit in a chair that goes up and down."  "Really?" Balki asks.  "Oh, and they spray water in your mouth!"  "They do?"  "And when you leave they give you balloons!  Oh, a trip to the dentist is like a visit to the amusement park!" Larry enthuses, "It’s too bad you don’t want to go."  "I want to go to the dentist!" Balki says excitedly.  "Well . . . okay, we’ll make an appointment for you," Larry promises.  "Oh, thank you, Cousin!" Balki says, and he gets up as they head for the door.

At the Chronicle building later that day, Balki is sitting on the file cabinets in front of Larry’s desk, wearing his jacket and waiting impatiently.  Mr. Gorpley exits his office carrying a stack of letters and drops them into one of the baskets when he sees Balki sitting.  "Aren’t you supposed to be making your afternoon deliveries?" Gorpley asks.  "I finished, Mr. Gorpley," Balki answers with a smile.  "Aren’t you supposed to be sorting the mail?" Gorpley asks as he walks up to him.  "I finished," Balki answers, "I want to be all ready when Cousin Larry comes out and says ‘It’s time to go to the dentist!’"  Balki hugs Gorpley’s arms with excitement.  "You’re in a hurry to go to the dentist?" Gorpley asks in disbelief.  "Cousin Larry says it’s more fun than an amusement park!" Balki replies.  "Well, actually, it’s more like the House of Horrors," Gorpley begins, then laughs an evil laugh, adding, "especially when you see . . . the drill."  "Cousin Larry didn’t mention . . . the drill," Balki says worriedly.

"The drill is the greatest instrument of torture since alimony," Gorpley promises, "The dentist uses it to drill holes in your teeth."  "Well, ain’t I the lucky one?" Balki says with relief, "I won’t be needing the drill because I already got a hole in my tooth.  See?  See that?  See that?"  He holds his mouth open with his hands and points.  Gorpley smiles.  "Lovely.  Well, just wait until the dentist uses the drill to make that hole bigger . . . and deeper . . . and wider . . . and . . . "  Balki curls up at the thought of it, laying on the file cabinets in a ball.  Mr. Gorpley slaps his hand on the cabinet with glee and cries, " . . . God, I wish I hadn’t dropped out of dental college!  Well, have fun, Bartokomous, I’m going to lunch.  I’ll bring you back a jawbreaker."  Gorpley exits through the parking garage, laughing to himself.

Larry enters from the archives and sees Balki curled up on the file cabinets as he crosses to his desk.  Larry sets down the books he’s carrying and walks around to Balki.  "Tooth bothering you, Balki?" he asks.  Balki sits up and says, "You didn’t tell me about the drill!"  "Who told you about the drill?" Larry asks.  "Mr. Gorpley," Balki answers, "He tell me that the dentist is going to take a drill and make the hole in my tooth bigger and wider and deeper and that it’s going to hurt more than alimony.  And we all remember what happened at the alimony!"  "Did Mr. Gorpley scare you?" Larry asks in a condescending tone.  "Well, he . . . "  "Did he scare you?" Larry asks again, "Are you scared?  Are you scared of the dentist?"  "No, I’m not scared of the dentist," Balki scoffs, " . . . scared of the dentist . . . however, I’ve decided that I don’t need to go to the dentist.  I can learn to live with the pain."  "You can live with the pain?" Larry asks.  "Yes!" Balki says.  Larry barely touches Balki’s left cheek and Balki cries out in anguish.

"You can’t live with the pain," Larry states, "Balki, you’ve got to get your tooth taken care of now.  If you don’t, it’ll only hurt worse and be harder to fix."  "But there’s . . . just one little problem," Balki says.  "What’s that?" Larry asks.  "I’m afraid," Balki confesses, leaning into Larry and crying.  "I know, I know you’re afraid," Larry offers, patting Balki’s back, "But I wouldn’t make you do anything that was bad for you.  Balki, remember the time you were afraid to have your picture taken?"  "Yeah," Balki says.  "‘Cause you thought the camera was gonna steal part of your soul?"  "Yeah."  "You remember what I said?" Larry asks.  "Yeah, you said, ‘Balki . . . don’t be stupid.’"  "And you remember the time you were afraid to get into the elevator?" Larry asks.  "Yeah."  "Because you thought it would take you to the center of the earth?"  "And you said, ‘Balki . . . don’t be stupid.’"  "And now you ride the elevator all the time," Larry notes, "and that’s what’s happening now."  "I’m riding the elevator?" Balki asks.  "No.  You’re being stupid," Larry clarifies.  Balki smiles, saying, "Thank you, Cousin."

At the dentist’s office, Balki is seated in the chair and the dental assistant is putting the bib around his neck.  Larry is standing by Balki’s side.  The assistant steps on the switch that makes the chair slowly elevate.  Balki smiles broadly and says, "I like that.  Do it again."  "One ride per visit, Balki," Larry says, then tells the assistant, "This is his first time at the dentist."  "Oh, I see," the assistant smiles.  She gets an X-ray negative from the counter and walks around to Balki’s left side, explaining, "I’m going to put this little piece of film in your mouth.  Open up."  Balki opens his mouth reluctantly.  "Bite down gently on the . . . no!"  The assistant pulls his fingers back.  "On the tab . . . and be sure to keep your mouth closed."  Balki starts to ask something but she says, "No, no!  It’s very important to keep your mouth closed.  I’m just gonna take some X-rays of your tooth."  She turns to the machine and Balki turns to Larry worriedly.

"Mmmx mmmrays?" Balki hums with his mouth tightly closed, "Mmme mmidn’t mmmalk mmmbout mmmx mmmrays!"  "What?" Larry asks.  "He said, ‘X-rays?  We didn’t talk about X-rays,’" the assistant explains.  Balki and Larry give her a look of surprise so she explains, "In this business you get used to people talking with stuff in their mouths."  The assistant busies herself with the machine again.  "Well, nothing to worry about," Larry assures Balki, "An X-ray is an invisible beam that goes through your face, takes a picture of your tooth, goes right out the other side.  It’s completely safe."  Balki looks more concerned than ever and mumbles something else through his closed mouth.  "What?" Larry asks again.  The assistant looks disturbed and explains, "He said ‘What if the X-ray gets stuck in my head and makes a hole in my brain?’"  Larry puts a hand on Balki’s shoulder and smiles, saying, "Trust me."  Balki turns to the assistant and start mumbling to her with his mouth closed, pointing to Larry and turning his eyes upward.  The assistant nods her head and says, "Well, you’ve got a good point there!"  She takes the negative from his mouth and adds, "Uh, I’ll just take this and I think I’ll let the doctor look at him first and then we’ll take the X-rays."  She leaves the room.

"You know, you are really being a big baby about all this," Larry scolds.  "I’m sorry, Cousin," Balki says in a guilty tone.  "It’s okay," Larry sighs.  "Thank you."  Balki points to the tray in front of him, singling out the drill, and asks, "Cousin . . . what . . . what is this?"  "Oh, look!" Larry says, distracting Balki by taking one of the items attached to the tray, "Here’s the air blower!"  Larry blows air on Balki’s face.  "No, no, not that . . . " Balki giggles as the air hits him, "No, no . . . not that.  What is this?"  "Oh, and here’s the water sprayer!"  Larry takes it and sprays Balki with the water, first in a spray then in a stream.  "No, not that . . . not that, Cousin" Balki repeats, "What is . . . what is this?"  "Oh, and look!  The saliva sucker!"  Larry takes it off and sticks it into Balki’s mouth, making Balki’s eyes grow wide.  "I’m just desperate to know," Balki says, taking the drill from its place, "What is this?"  "Oh that!" Larry says.  The drill starts running with its high-pitched squeal.  "Would it be . . . the drill?" Balki asks.  "Yes, that’s the drill," Larry admits, taking it from Balki, "But it won’t be painful.  It won’t hurt a bit after your shot."  Balki grabs Larry desperately, starting the drill again.  "I’m going to be shot?" Balki cries.  "No, no, no," Larry says, "nothing like that.  The doctor is just gonna stick a needle in your cheek."  "I’m outta here," Balki insists, trying to get out of the chair.  Larry holds him back and they struggle.

Dr. Shukin enters, saying, "Hello, Larry.  Well, I hear we have a nervous patient."  "Hello, Doctor," Larry greets him.  Larry then firmly says, "Balki," and he pushes Balki’s head back against the chair, "This is Dr. Shukin."  Dr. Shukin steps toward Balki.  "Don’t . . . you . . . touch me," Balki warns the doctor, "I happen to be trained in the marital arts."  Balki starts making karate-style motions.  "All right, stop it!  Stop it!" Larry scolds, then turns to the doctor to explain, "He’s never had a cavity before."  "Well, let’s take a look," Dr. Shukin suggests, grabbing an examination tool from his tray.  "Now open wide," Dr. Shukin says.  Balki sees the instrument and closes his mouth and eyes tightly.  "A little wider," Dr. Shukin suggests.  "All right, all right," Larry sighs, "Look, I’ll tell you what . . . why don’t I let the doctor look in my mouth first, okay?  And that way you’ll see that nothing bad is going to happen.  All right?"

Balki looks from Larry to the dentist and finally hums, "Mm-kay."  Balki gets out of the chair and Larry takes his place.  "All right now," Dr. Shukin begins, "Open wide."  Larry complies.  "Tell me if this hurts."  Dr. Shukin touches one of Larry’s teeth with the examination tool.  "No," Larry tells the dentist, then eyes at Balki with an "I told you so" look.  "How about this?" Dr. Shukin asks, touching another place.  "No," Larry says smugly, then to Balki, "I told you it wouldn’t hurt."  "This?" Dr. Shukin asks, pushing the tool into another spot.  Larry screams in pain and looks shocked.  "What’re you doing?" Larry cries.  "You’ve lost a filling," Dr. Shukin explains.  "Well, fine, I’ll make an appointment for next month," Larry says, "Balki you’re up."  Larry starts to stand up but Dr. Shukin pushes him back into the chair.  "Oh now hold on, Larry.  You’ve got to get this taken care of today or it could get much worse."  Balki eyes Larry and then pushes Larry’s head back against the chair as the scene fades.

Act two begins with Larry still in the dentist chair and Dr. Shukin approaching him with something behind his back.  "All right now, I’m just going to numb your tooth so I can work on it."  Dr. Shukin produces a needle and Larry grabs the man’s wrist, saying, "No needles!  No needles!"  "Well, Larry, this is just a little novocaine," the dentist explains.  "I don’t want any," Larry insists, "I don’t like being numb."  "Oh, Cousin, you’re not dumb!" Balki assures him.  Both Larry and Dr. Shukin give Balki a long look.  "Well, I guess I’ll just have to give you gas," Dr. Shukin decides, setting the needle down on the tray.  "Well, we did fill up the tank this morning," Balki says, "but I suppose we could top it off."  "Oh, no no no," Dr. Shukin laughs, moving to a large tank against the wall, "This is nitrous oxide.  Won’t hurt him."  The doctor turns the valve on the tank and then brings a nose mask over to the chair which he puts on Larry.  "He’ll just feel very relaxed and maybe a little giggly.  How’s that feel, Larry?"  "I feel so much better," Larry assures him, "So much better.  Did I mention how much better I feel?"

"Now you just relax, Larry, and I’ll be right back after I check your X-rays," Dr. Shukin says, patting Larry on the shoulder before leaving.  "No problem," Larry smiles.  The dentist closes the door behind him and Larry immediately pulls the mask down off his nose.  "All right, Balki, we’re out of here!" Larry exclaims.  "Oh no you don’t!" Balki argues, pushing Larry’s head back onto the chair and putting the mask back over his nose.  "Balki!" Larry cries, "What are you doing?"  "Cousin, don’t you remember?  You said to me that sometimes we have to do things that we’re afraid of because it’s for our own good."  "All right, all right, all right!" Larry cries.  "All right?" Balki asks, removing his hand from the mask.  "Balki . . . I am an adult!" Larry notes, "I can make my own decisions.  And I have decided to leave and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!"  Larry pulls the mask from his face so hard that it pulls the end of the tube from the nitrous oxide tank.  Gas starts escaping into the room.

"Well, now you’ve done it," Balki states, "I hope you’re satisfied."  "We can fix it," Larry says calmly.  He gets out of the chair and both he and Balki walk over to the tank, standing right in the stream of the escaping gas.  Larry turns the valve on the tank until it suddenly pops off.  He drops the valve into the sink and tries to turn the knob on the top with his fingers, but he and Balki are both becoming relaxed and loopy.  Finally Larry turns to look at Balki and they both burst into laughter.  Balki shushes them but they continue to giggle.  "Cousin, Cousin," Balki says, "I can fix it!"  They both laugh at this and change places.  Balki looks into the nozzle and says, "I need something sharp."  Larry looks at the tray and picks up the needle full of novocaine.  "Something sharp?" Larry asks.  "Yeah," Balki says.  "Well, how about this?" Larry absent-mindedly holds the needle out to Balki but instead of handing it to him he jabs it into Balki’s arm.  Balki reacts slowly, turning to look down at his arm.  "I’ve been shot!" Balki states.  Larry pulls the needle from Balki’s arm and looks at it.  "I think you’re down a quart," he says, and they both fall over each other laughing again.  "I think you’re down a quart!" Larry repeats, as they continue to laugh hysterically.  Larry tosses the needle into the sink.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute," Larry laughs, "I got an idea."  "What?" Balki asks.  "We don’t need no stinkin’ dentist," Larry says, "You fill my tooth!"  "Okay!" Balki laughs.  They make their way to the chair and Balki says, "Oh po po!" as Larry sings, "He’ll be drilling through my molars when he drills . . . "  Larry continues to sing even when Balki has opened Larry’s mouth and has his fingers inside holding it open.  "You know what?" Balki asks, "You know what?  There is not sufficient light in this room for me to fill your tooth so . . . "  Balki laughs a long laugh, " . . . so you’re gonna have to help me . . . move the chair.  Come on, I’ll help you out of the chair."  Balki grabs Larry by the hair and lifts him out of the chair.  They move to either side of the chair and lean down to grab each side.  "Okay, Cousin," Balki says, "Ready?  Ready?  One, two, three . . . "  They both strain against the chair, pulling with all their might, but it doesn’t budge.  They stop and after a moment Larry asks, "Better?"  "Much," Balki replies.  "Okay," Larry sighs.  "Thank you," Balki offers.

Larry gets back into the chair, giggling.  "Oh gosh," Balki says, still on Larry’s left side, "Okay now I gotta . . . I gotta get that drill."  Balki tries to lift his left arm but it won’t move.  He tries to throw it over the chair as Larry laughs.  Finally Balki lifts his numb arm with his other hand and drops it across the sink.  "Cousin . . . Cousin," Balki says, "I can’t feel my arm."  Larry reaches out and grabs Balki’s numb arm and asks, "You sure?  I can feel it!"  They both break up laughing again.  "Well, then, I must be okay," Balki deduces, lifting his limp arm and dropping it into Larry’s lap.  "Now I’m gonna go around the other side," Balki announces, walking around to the right side of the chair.  As he does so, he pulls his numb arm behind him, almost strangling Larry with it.  Balki uses his leg to pull his numb arm free and then pulls the tray closer to them.  "Oh dear," Balki laughs as he picks up the drill and starts it, "Now, now . . . let’s have a look!  Open wide!"  Larry continues to laugh as Balki starts toward his mouth with the drill.  At this moment Dr. Shukin comes back in.  "Stop!" the dentist cries, "What’s going on here?"  "Well, if you must know," Balki explains, "I’m about to perform an Orel Hershiser."  Balki and Larry laugh hysterically and Balki falls across Larry’s lap.

Back at the apartment, Larry opens the door and enters.  "Well . . . it’s been a rich, full day, hasn’t it?" he asks.  Balki enters, holding a handful of balloons, a little toy car and wearing surgical gloves.  "You got that right," Balki smiles, "We got our teeth filled, I got this very handsome pair of gloves, and we learned how to clean up a dentist’s office."  Larry takes Balki’s jacket and closes the door, hanging both of their jackets on the door.  "You know, I would have thought Dr. Shukin would have been more upset about the mess we made," Larry muses.  "Well, you know, I think it’s because he likes us," Balki says, "I hear him tell his assistant that he was going to put a little something extra on our bill."  "That’s fair," Larry nods.  Balki goes into the kitchen and gets a carton of milk and two glasses, bringing them to the counter.  Larry sits on the opposite side.  "Cousin, I want to thank you for making me go to the dentist even though I didn’t want to," Balki says.

"Well, like I said, sometimes you have to do things you’re afraid of," Larry answers.  "Yeah, and when you do . . . it’s nice to have a friend there to help you," Balki adds, "I’m glad you were with me."  "Well, I’m glad you were with me," Larry smiles, "If you weren’t, I never would have gotten over my fear of needles.  Boy, that novacaine is powerful stuff."  "Boy, tell me about it," Balki sighs, "I didn’t feel a thing.  So, Cousin, going to the dentist wasn’t all that bad.  But, I can think of a lot better ways to spend an afternoon."  "Well, I’ll drink to that," Larry agrees.  They lift their glasses to clink together, then both drink.  After a moment, milk spills out of both of their mouths and down their shirts.  Larry sees the milk running out of Balki’s mouth and smirks, saying, "Careful, Balki.  You’re dribbling all over yourself."  Larry takes another drink and the milk again runs out of the corner of his mouth.  He and Balki smile at each other.

Script Variations:
There are some major differences between the first draft script dated August 23, 1989 and the aired episode:
- The episode begins with Balki sitting at the dining room table, writing.  He takes a bite out of a candy bar and puts his hand to his face in pain.  Larry enters from his room and says, "Good morning, Balki."  He crosses to the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee.  "Good morning, Cousin," Balki greets him.  "Writing a letter to Mama?" Larry asks.  "No, I wrote to her yesterday," Balki answers, "This is my last will and dinner mint."  "That's testament," Larry corrects, "You know, that's a very wise thing to do.  It's never too early to make sure your affairs are in order.  I wrote my first will when I was eight.  I revise it every year.  So, what am I getting?"  "I'm leaving you my most prized possession in the entire world," Balki says, "The secret recipe for the cream filling in bibibabkas (yes, this is how Paula Roth spells it - I believe I've seen it spelled both ways to date).  Use it wisely.  Good bye, Cousin."  Balki hugs Larry.  "Balki, just because you're making out your will doesn't mean you're going to die," Larry points out.  "It does when you have a pain in your head the size of a Buick," Balki replies.  "Balki, if you're really concerned about this pain, you should go to the doctor."  "There's no need to go to the doctor, Cousin.  You see, my old Uncle Spyros had a pain in his head just like mine.  Now he sleeps with the chickens.  Of course, he always slept with the chickens, but now he doesn't get up with them."  "Your old Uncle Spyros?" Larry asks, "Exactly how old was your old Uncle Spyros?"  "A hundred and three," Balki answers, "So, you can imagine our shock when three days after his pain started, he was dead.  My pain started two and a half days ago, so I have to finish this by noon."  Balki continues writing and takes another bite of the candy bar, wincing in pain.  "Tell me, is this pain worse when you eat?" Larry asks.  "Like someone is hammering a huge nail up into my head and twisting and turning it until . . . " Balki explains.  "I get the picture," Larry cuts him off, "Balki, buddy, it sounds like you've got yourself a cavity."  "And I'm not going to live to enjoy it," Balki sighs with disappointment.  "A cavity is a hole in your tooth," Larry explains.  Balki starts to write quickly.  "Oh, God, I have less time than I thought.  My brain could fall out through the hole in my tooth any minute!"  "Balki, Balki, calm down.  You're not dying.  Your brain isn't going to fall out.  All you have to do is go to the dentist, he'll fix the tooth and you'll be good as new."  "All I have to do is go to the dentist, he'll fix my tooth and I'll be good as new?" Balki asks.  "Just go to the dentist, he'll fix the tooth and you'll be as good as new," Larry confirms, "You do know what a dentist is, don't you?"  "Well of course I do, don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "Bob's friend, Jerry, the dentist on the old Bob Newhart show."  "Well, yes, but . . . "  "And Rob and Laura's neighbor, Jerry, the dentist on the old Dick Van Dyke show."  "Yes, but . . . "  "Bad news, Cousin, they're out of business.  Both those shows are off the air," Balki sighs sadly.  "Balki, dentists aren't just TV characters, they exist in real life," Larry explains.  "Are they all named Jerry?" Balki asks.  "No.  Balki, didn't you have dentists on Mypos?"  "What for?" Balki asks, "No one ever has holes in their teeth." "I guess in a strange way that makes sense," Larry realizes, "On Mypos you don't have refined sugar, so naturally you would have excellent teeth."  "Then why am I the first Mypiot with a cavity?" Balki asks.  "Because ever since you came to this country, you've been eating food that can cause tooth decay," Larry explains, picking up the candy bar, "Like this."  "You mean my chocolate covered nougat with the surprise center?" Balki asks, "I have no idea what nougat is, but it tastes so good.  How can it be bad for me?"  "It's a basic law of nature," Larry says, "If something tastes good, it's bad for you.  If it tastes bad, it's good for you."  "Bummer," Balki sighs.  "I know.  Now when we get to work, I'll make an appointment for you to see my dentist."  "Cousin, will it hurt to have my tooth fixed?" Balki asks as they get their coats.  "Not at all," Larry promises, "Modern dentistry is painless.  In fact, a trip to the dentist is like going to an amusement park.  You get to sit in a chair that goes up and down."  "Like a merry-go-round?" Balki asks.  "Yes.  And that's not all.  You'll get water sprayed in your mouth."  "Like at Wet 'n Wild Water Park?"  "On a smaller scale," Larry confirms.  "Wow," Balki gasps.  "So you see, Balki, you'll be just fine."  They head out the door.  "Cousin, when I get to work, remind me to call mama and tell her to cancel my funeral arrangements.  I hope I catch her before she orders the fireworks."  They exit.
- The scene at the office with Mr. Gorpley starts out much the same, until Gorpley mentions the House of Horrors.  "Oh, I love the 'House of Horrors,'" Balki smiles, "Especially when things jump out and scare you."  "Oh, you'll be scared all right," Gorpley promises, "Especially when you see 'The Drill.'"  "Cousin Larry didn't mention 'The Drill,'" Balki says, "Is that another fun thing to play with like the air blower?"  "Oh, it's fun all right, if you're a fan of pain."  "Pain?" Balki asks, worried.  "The drill is the greatest instrument of torture since the rack."  Gorpley then explains about making the holes in Balki's teeth bigger as in the show, all the way until he wishes he hadn't dropped out of dental college and exits.
- When Larry comes out of the archives, Balki runs to him.  "Cousin, have you ever heard of something called 'The Drill?'"  "Who told you about the drill?" Larry asks.  "Mr. Gorpley.  He said that the dentist is going to make the hole in my tooth bigger and bigger and that it will hurt more than the rack.  Whatever that is."  "Balki, Gorpley was just trying to scare you," Larry explains.  "Well, it worked," Balki admits.  "Going to the dentist isn't as bad as Gorpley says it is," Larry promises.  "Is it as much fun as you say it is?" Balki asks.  "Well, I may have exaggerated a little," Larry confesses.  Balki then says he doesn't think he needs to go to the dentist and Larry says that if he doesn't it will get worse.  Balki admits he's afraid and Larry says, "I know you are.  But sometimes in life you have to do things that you're afraid of.  In the end you realize that it was the right thing to do."  Larry puts on his jacket.  "Cousin, will you be with me the whole time?"  "I won't leave you for a second, I promise."  "How close will you be?" Balki asks.  "As close as you want me to be," Larry says.  "How about right between me and the dentist?" Balki asks.  "I don't think so," Larry states as they leave.
- The dentist office is described as "a typical state of the art dentist's office.  There is an X-ray machine above the chair, and a glass and lead partition nearby.  Balki and Larry enter with the dental assistant.  She has been through this routine a hundred times before."  "Just sit in the chair and make yourself comfortable," she tells Balki.  Balki hesitates.  "Go ahead, Balki," Larry encourages, "I'm right here."  Balki sits in the chair and the assistant raises it.  Balki likes the chair going up and Larry tells her it's Balki's first time at the dentist.  The assistant tells Balki she's going to take some x-rays of his tooth and Balki says to Larry (without the negative in his mouth) that they didn't talk about x-rays.  Larry explains it as "The x-ray just goes through your face, takes a picture of your tooth and then goes through the other side."  "Well, you tell Ray to get out of my face," Balki snaps.  "No, Balki.  An x-ray is an invisible beam.  It's completely safe.  Now here, put this lead vest on for protection," Larry says.  "I'm out of here," Balki cries, and starts to go.  "Did I say protection?" Larry backtracks, "I meant tradition.  It's a dental tradition.  Kind of a ceremonial garb."  Larry takes the lead vest from the assistant and puts it on Balki.  "Ooh," Balki says, liking it, "Do I get to wear a hat?"  "Maybe next time," Larry answers.  The assistant puts film in Balki's mouth and adjusts the machine.  Larry and the assistant step behind the shield.  Balki tries to avoid the machine but it seems to be following him.  As a last resort, Balki pulls the lead vest over his head.  "Please don't do that," the assistant asks.  "Let me talk to him," Larry suggests.  Larry walks out from behind the shield.  "Balki, the machine isn't going to hurt you."  Balki says, with his mouth full, "Oh really?  Then why do you have to stand way over there when it's on?"  "Speak English," Larry suggests.  "I am," Balki mumbles.  "He said, 'Oh really?  Then why do you have to stand way over there when it's on?'"  Off Larry's look she adds, "In this business you get used to people talking with stuff on their mouths."  She tells Balki, "All I need is one little picture.  I promise it won't hurt."  "Okay," Balki agrees.  Larry and the assistant go behind the shield and she takes the x-ray.  They step back out and she takes the vest off Balki and removes the film from his mouth.  "I'm going to go develop this," she tells them, "The doctor will be in to see you soon."  She exits.  "That didn't hurt at all," Balki says.  "See, I told you that nothing bad would happen," Larry notes.
- Balki asks about the drill, pointing to it, and Larry tries to distract him with the air blower, the water sprayer and Balki's favorite, the saliva sucker (although he doesn't actually use any of them in this version).  Balki points to the drill again and Larry says, "Oh, and look at this.  This is the spit sink."  Balki has to grab Larry by the shirt and point to the drill again.  Larry finally admits it is, indeed, the drill.  "The Drill!" Balki cries, "Mr. Gorpley was right."  Dr. Shukin enters, saying, "Hello, Larry."  "Hello, doctor," Larry greets him, "Balki, this is Dr. Shukin."  "Call me Jerry," Dr. Shukin says.  "What show are you on?" Balki asks.  "Well, the wife and I were on the Newlywed Game once," Dr. Shukin answers.  Larry explains Balki is nervous and Dr. Shukin tells Balki to open wide.  Balki keeps his mouth clamped shut and Dr. Shukin suggests, "A little wider."  "Balki, the doctor can't make your tooth stop hurting if you don't let him look at it," Larry says.  Quickly, Balki answers, "But he can make it hurt a lot more if I do."  Balki clamps his mouth shut again.  The part about Larry suggesting the dentist look in his mouth first and the way Dr. Shukin checks him and finds the lost filling is the same.  "This doesn't look good," Dr. Shukin says.  "He's right, Cousin," Balki agrees, looking into Larry's mouth.  Balki and the doctor shake their heads.  Larry has hands and instruments in his mouth and mumbles, "What's going on?"  "What did he say?" Balki asks.  "I have no idea," Dr. Shukin admits, "My assistant is much better at that than I am."  Larry takes the dentist's hand out of his mouth and asks what's going on again.  Dr. Shukin tells him he's lost a filling and Larry says he'll make an appointment next month.  The doctor insists it must be taken care of before it gets worse.  "Remember, Cousin," Balki says, "It's just like an amusement park.  Only you get to go on the rides first."  This is the end of Act One.
- The second act begin with Larry in the chair with Balki next to him.  Dr. Shukin is at a table with his back to them.  "Balki, what's Dr. Shukin doing?" Larry asks.  "Nothing . . . " Balki answers, "except hiding a big needle behind his back."  Larry's reaction to the needle is the same until he says, "I don't like being numb."  "Oh Cousin, you're not dumb," Balki insists, "You're a little slow to catch on to life's little lessons, but you're not dumb."  "Numb.  Numb," Larry corrects, "I hate being numb."  "Oh.  Well, in that case, I'm sorry about the 'slow to catch on' remark," Balki offers.  "I guess I'll just have to give you gas," Dr. Shukin sighs.  "Now wait a minute," Balki protests, "I know Cousin Larry can be stubborn, but that's no reason to gas him."  After Dr. Shukin puts the mask on Larry and he says, "Did I mention how much better I feel?" Balki asks, "So you're feeling better?"  "Much," Larry confirms.
- After Dr. Shukin leaves and Larry pulls the mark off and says they're getting out of there, Balki asks, "What happened to (IMITATING RELAXED LARRY) 'I feel so much better'?"  "I lied.  Now let's go."  Balki pushes Larry back into the chair and says, "I don't think so."  After putting the mask back on Larry and reminding him how he had said sometimes one has to do things they're afraid of, Larry takes off the mask and says, "Oh I see, you think I want to leave because I'm afraid."  "That would be my guess," Balki confirms.  "Well you're wrong," Larry argues, "It just so happens that I have a very busy schedule and darn it, I just can't fit this in."  Larry tries to get up and Balki pushes him back.  Balki says he's doing it for Larry's own good and Larry makes the remark about being an adult and that he's leaving.  "Oh really?" Balki asks.  Balki throws the lead vest over Larry which immobilizes him long enough for Balki to get the mask back over his nose.  Larry is getting giddy.  "Okay, so there is one thing," Larry laughs.  "Will you stay and let Dr. Shukin fix your tooth?" Balki asks.  "I'll be good, I promise," Larry says, "But could you take the vest off?  Please?"  "Alright," Balki agrees, removing the best.  As soon as his arms are free, Larry rips off the mask, pulling it out of the tank.  "Well, now you broke it," Balki points out, "I hope you're satisfied."  "I won't be satisfied 'til I'm out of here," Larry says.  "You'll have to get by me," Balki says.  Larry grabs a hose and points it at Balki.  "I'll shoot my way out if I have to."  "Then you should have had the sun at you back," Balki replies, grabbing the examining light and shining it in Larry's face, momentarily blinding him.  "You underestimate me," Larry counters, covering his eyes and shooting Balki.  Unfortunately, he's chosen the air hose.  "Too bad, Cousin," Balki says, "You're shooting on empty."  Balki grabs the water hose and sprays Larry.  Larry grabs the novacaine needle off the instrument tray.  "Alright, you leave me no choice!" Larry threatens.  Balki defends himself with the water hose and the saliva sucker which gets stuck on Larry's cheek.  In the struggle, Balki is accidentally stuck in the arm.  "Cousin, I can't feel my arm," Balki says.  "Are you sure?" Larry asks.  "Yes."  "Tough," Larry says.  Larry makes a run for the door and Balki runs after him.  He grabs Larry with his good arm and flings his "dead" arm around Larry, but it keeps falling off.  Finally, Balki is able to drag Larry back to the chair.  By now both guys are very giddy.  This is when Larry makes the "we don't need no stinkin' dentist" comment and suggests Balki fills his tooth.  "It makes sense to me.  Though I don't know why," Balki agrees.  Balki reaches for the drill with his "dead" arm.  He can't hold on.  He tries this several times.  "No, that won't work," Balki realizes.  "I know," Larry says, "I'll fill your tooth first, and by the time I finish your arm won't be dead anymore, so you can fill mine."  "Cousin, that's a brilliant idea," Balki agrees, "Change places with me."  Before Larry can move, Balki sits down on the chair.  He is now on top of Larry.  They find this extremely funny.  "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute," Larry says, "It won't work this way."  "You're right, Cousin," Balki agrees.  They get up and walk around the chair and resume the exact same positions in the chair.  "There, that's better," Larry says.  "Okay, Cousin, open wide," Balki says, preparing to drill.  "Just take a little off the top," Larry says.  Dr. Shukin enters and asks, "Balki?  Larry?"  "Hi," Balki and Larry say together, then are hysterical with laughter.
- The last scene is the same until Larry says, "And I'm glad you were with me.  If you weren't, I never would have gotten over my fear of novacaine.  Boy, that's powerful stuff."  "Tell me about it," Balki agrees, "I didn't feel a thing when Dr. Shukin used 'The Drill.'"  Balki starts to unwrap a candy bar, but changes his mind.  "No Nougat Surprise?" Larry asks.  "I've decided to cut down," Balki says, then he says going to the dentist wasn't so bad but he can think of a lot of better ways to spend an afternoon.  The rest of the episode is the same as what aired.

There are also a few differences in the shooting draft dated August 20, 1989:
- The first scene is mostly the same, except when Larry says he'll make an appointment for Balki with his dentist.  Balki screams in horror and says, "No, no . . . not that . . . not the dentist.  I'm not going to the dentist.  I'll go on a liquid diet.  I'll have my jaw hot-wired.  No dentist.  No way, no how."  "Balki, relax," Larry urges, "Have you ever been to a dentist?"  "No, but I've seen one in action.  On Mypos we have one dentist.  Molar the terrible.  Once I saw him perform a tooth extraction on Glinki the Meek.  When the horses got tired of pulling they had to switch to oxen.  They dragged Glinki all over the island trying to get that tooth out.  It wasn't pretty, Cousin."  "Did Glinki have a cavity?" Larry asks.  "Oh, no.  This was strictly cosmetic," Balki explains.  "Well, things are a little different in America," Larry explains, "Our dentistry is painless."  "Come on," Balki scoffs.  "Yes.  They use only state of the art equipment and no farm animals."  "Next you're going to tell me it's done indoors," Balki says.  "As a matter of fact it is," Larry states.  "Really?"  "Yes."  "Get out of the city!"  This is when Larry starts telling Balki how fun it is to go to the dentist.  At the end of the scene, as they're leaving for work, Balki says, "Cousin, if Mama ever comes from Mypos to visit, I say we forget Disneyland and take her to the dentist."  "That would be a day she wouldn't forget," Larry agrees.
- In this version, Balki is sorting mail while waiting for Larry to tell him it's time to go.  After Gorpley mentions "The Drill," Balki says, "Cousin Larry didn't mention 'The Drill.'  That doesn't sound like fun."  "Oh, it's fun alright, if you're a fan of pain," Gorpley smiles.  "Pain?" Balki asks worriedly.  Then Gorpley says it's the greatest instrument of torture since alimony.  After Balki says he's lucky because he's already got a hole in his tooth, Gorpley says, "Oh, lovely.  The dentist uses the drill to make the hole bigger.  I'll bet it hurts you now, doesn't it?"  "Yes," Balki answers.  Then Gorpley says how the dentist will make the hole bigger and wider and deeper.
- After Larry points out all the things Balki used to be afraid of and tells Balki, "No, you're being stupid."  Balki says, "Thank you, Cousin."  The scene then goes on.  "See, you're afraid to do something because you haven't done it before.  But sometimes in life you have to do things that you're afraid of.  In the end you realize that it was the right thing to do.  Now come on, let's go."  Larry puts on his jacket.  "Cousin, you'll be with me the whole time, won't you?" Balki asks.  "I won't leave you for a second, I promise," Larry says, "Don't worry, Balki.  It'll be fine."  "Tell me again about the vacuum that sucks out your saliva," Balki begs, "What did you call it?"  "A saliva sucker," Larry answers.  "Do you think we could get one for the car?" Balki asks.  "I'll look into it," Larry says as they exit the office.
- The first scene at the dentist starts the same as in the first draft, with the assistant having Balki take a seat.  After Balki is worried about the x-ray and Larry says, "Trust me," Balki asks, "What?"  "He says, 'Trust me,'" the assistant fills in.  She then removes the film from Balki's mouth and Balki doesn't talk to her about Larry's trust at all.  After she leaves and Balki finds the drill and Larry explains that the dentist is going to stick a needle in Balki's cheek, instead of saying, "I'm outta here," Balki says, "Needle in my cheek!  I suppose it comes out the other side, too!"
- Balki tells the dentist, "Don't touch me.  I know karate."  After Balki refuses to open his mouth (and in this version the assistant enters with a tray at this point), Larry says, "Balki, the doctor can't help you if you don't open your mouth."  With his mouth closed, Balki replies, "But he can't hurt me, either."  "What?" Larry asks.  "He said, 'But he can't hurt me, either,'" the assistant explains, and then she exits.  At the end of the scene, Balki's line about Larry getting to go on the rides first from the first draft script is still there, and then Balki asks the dentist, "Will you by any chance by using 'The Drill?'"
- The part about Dr. Shukin having their back to them and Balki telling Larry he's hiding a big needle behind his back is also still in this script.  The same with Balki's comment about "You're a little slow to catch on to life's little lessons" and his subsequent apology.
- After Larry tries to repair the valve and he and Balki burst out laughing, Larry says, "We're breathing in way too much of this stuff.  We better hold our breaths."  They try to hold their breath for a beat ten explode with laughter.  Balki look closely at Larry's face.  "You know, Cousin, if you took a pen and connected the freckles on your nose . . . you'd have ink on your nose."  They laugh hysterically.  "We'd better figure out how to stop this," Larry notes.  "Cousin, let me try," Balki says, then asks for something sharp.  After Larry sticks Balki in the arm, Balki says, "I've been shot!"  When Larry pulls the needle out, Balki says, "Don't worry.  It's only a flesh wound," and they laugh.  (Larry's comment about being down a quart is not in this script)
- Instead of singing "He'll be drilling through my molar when he drills," Larry sings a parody of Annie's song instead which goes, "You fill up my molar, like a drill in the forest . . . "
- Instead of Balki pulling his arm around the chair, after he can't reach the drill Larry gets out of the chair and says, "Wait a minute.  I've got a better idea.  You sit in the chair and I'll fill your tooth."  "No, Cousin," Balki argues, "I'll sit in the chair and you fill my tooth."  "No.  You sit in the chair and I'll fill your tooth," Larry counters.  "Fine.  Have it your way," Balki says.  "Thank you," Larry answers, then sits back in the chair.  The rest of the scene is the same, except after Balki makes the "Orel Hershiser" joke Larry says, "Isn't he great?  Where does he come up with them?"
- The rest of the show is the same, except for one part after Balki says, "I didn't feel a thing," he goes on to say, "In fact, I still can't feel a thing.  How long will my face by numb?"  "It'll wear off in a few hours," Larry explains.

Continue on to the next episode . . .