Nielsen Rating: 13.9 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 75 - The Newsletter
First Air Date: October 6, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.9 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guest Cast:
F.J. O’Neil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Curtis Taylor: Matt Miner
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri has a notable
appearance in this episode, giving Balki’s newsletter a "stamp of
approval."
Balki-isms:
"Cousin Larry, hold on to your hat
because what I’m gonna tell you is gonna knock your socks off!"
"I don’t even know what my next
question is going to be and you already know the answer! Do you have ESPN?
HBO? PMS?"
"Well, throw acid rain on my
parade!"
"Well, Cousin, I’ve got some leads but
every time I try to dig deeper I wind up shoveling alone."
"Well, I put on a clean pair this
morning."
"I don’t care much for Mexican
food. It always gives me Monty Hall’s revenge."
"Well, you’re lookin’ right
through him."
"Sam Gorpley, looking very handsome
in a pickled herring bone suit . . . "
"You mean if I write everyone I
offended a verbal apology I’d be okay?"
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Wwowww!!"
Balki’s "Huh?"
Balki’s understanding, "Oh!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry tries to pull the page out of his
typewriter quickly and rips it in half
Mr. Wainwright appears and calls
"Appleton!" to which Larry replies, "Yes, sir, Mr.
Wainwright!"
The Dance of Joy
Balki gets frustrated and says "I was
. . . " doing something then Larry came in and he ended up all confused
Balki tells someone "You big
kidder!" and playfully pinches their nose
Larry’s breathy laugh (in the script, this is referred to as his "schmuck
laugh")
Larry babbles to Mr. Wainwright
Songs:
"Dance to the Music" - sung by
Balki as he tries to encourage Larry to celebrate with him
Myposian Punishment:
The Myposian Mantle of One Thousand Itches
Interesting facts:
- Larry really is psychic! He tells Balki
the answer to his next question will be "no." He’s referring to
Balki asking for help with the Chronicle newsletter, but in fact Balki’s next
question is "Do you have ESPN?" to which Larry replies,
"No."
- The segment about who, what, where, when
and why, the five W’s of journalism, is a classic word-play routine in the
style of the classic "Who’s on First?" sketch performed by Abbott
& Costello.
- It was in this episode that Balki
drawing a "Dimitri the Sheep" cartoon was first mentioned. His cartoon
feature for the Chronicle Chatter would later develop into a major plot point
when Mr. Wainwright asks him to draw the cartoon to replace Kangaroo Cowboy on
the comics page. This would eventually lead to Balki become editor of the Sunday
Children’s Magazine. Also, in another interesting development, the very first
Dimitri the Sheep cartoon in the fan club newsletter would be based on Dimitri’s
appearance in this episode.
-
Curtis Taylor, who played sports editor
Matt Miner in this episode, also had a recurring role in the prime time soap
opera Knott’s Landing.
- Balki’s mention of a "seven year
itch" is a reference to the 1955 Billy Wilder movie by the same name that
starred Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell. The phrase actually predates both the
movie and the play it was based on, referring not only to the urge for
infidelity after seven years of marriage but the skin irritation which
supposedly followed such infidelity.
- At the end of this episode, Balki
explains to Larry how he was able to spy on Mr. Gorpley and Maggie Miner by
showing how he went undercover by acting like a waiter with an American accent.
He introduces himself as Bart and proceeds to do a waiter’s introduction with
a hilarious California surfer-dude voice. This, undoubtedly, was the first
glimpse of what would become Balki’s cousin Bartok (who wanted to be called
Bart). Bartok would make his appearance in an episode called Because
They're Cousins later in this same season.
- Two actors had their parts cut from this
episode. Mary O’Connor was to play a character named Mrs. Wilkie and Eric
Poppick played a character named Mr. Thomas. To find out what their brief roles
were like, read the Script Variations below!
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle. Lydia walks out of the elevator and approaches Larry’s
desk, where he is typing while talking on the phone. "Yes sir. Yeah, yes
sir, Mr. Walpole, I will get to it as soon as I get a chance." Larry 
gets a
look of shock on his face. "Yes, sir, I do enjoy working here. I’ll get
to it right now. Goodbye, sir." Larry hangs up the phone. "Copy!"
Larry calls, as he tries to pull the paper from his typewrite but only rips it
in half. "Never mind!" he calls. "They have really got you
hopping today," Lydia notes. "Oh, you wouldn’t believe it,
Lydia," Larry complains, "I have to interview an alderman and research
a six-part series on money laundering. I just hope nobody dies because I’m way
behind updating the obituaries." Lydia shakes her head. "That’s why
I like writing an advice column. When the pressure starts building I do what I’m
doing this weekend. Go to the Bahamas, print a bunch of my old columns and call
it ‘The Best of Lydia.’" "Well, I’m afraid they won’t run a
‘Best of the Obituaries,’" Larry points out, "Which reminds me, if
I don’t get all this research done for Mr. Walpole I am a dead
man."
"Oh, face it, Larry, when they say
jump you ask ‘how high?’" "Yeah, well the next person who asks me
for something is gonna get an earful from Larry Appleton," Larry replies
adamantly. Mr. Wainwright enters from the loading dock and calls,
"Appleton?" "Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!" Larry answers,
running to his boss. "I need a thousand word background story on the
Burgess murder trial," Wainwright explains. "Yes, sir! I’m your man,
Mr. Wainwright. But it might take a while because I’m already researching the
money laundering scandal and I have to interview Alderman Bennett." "Appleton," Mr. Wainwright holds up his hands to stop him, "If
you’d learn to budget your time you’d be able to get through all this.
Now
get on it!" "Yes, sir," Larry calls after him, "Thanks for
the tip, sir!" He returns to his desk. "Guess you told him!"
Lydia smiles, then rolls her eyes and starts to walk away.
Balki appears at the top of the stairs and
starts running down. "Cousin Larry, hold on to your hat because what I’m
gonna tell you is gonna knock your socks off! I was just put in charge of the
Chronicle newsletter!" "That’s nice," Larry hums as he 
continues working. "Balki, congratulations!" Lydia offers.
"Thank
you, Miss Lydia," Balki says, running to her for a hug. "I love
reading The Chronicle Chatter," Lydia continues, "It is so fascinating
reading about people I see every day but would never socialize with."
Lydia
walks into the parking garage and Balki turns back to Larry, who is still
working. "Cousin? Cousin? Isn’t that great news?" Balki asks,
following Larry to a filing cabinet, "Don’t it make you just want to sing
and shout and throw your body to the floor?" "Uh huh," Larry
smiles, walking back to his desk. "Come on, Cousin! Celebrate!" Balki
insists, then starts singing, "Dance to the music . . . " Balki then
asks, "How ‘bout it?" "That’s wonderful," Larry says
absent-mindedly. Balki reaches over and grabs Larry’s face with both
hands. "Cousin, I am
very excited about this and I would like you to share that excitement, and I
would like that now," Balki demands.
"I’m sorry, Balki," Larry
says, his face smashed between Balki’s hands, "That’s great news!
And a
great opportunity for you!" Balki releases Larry’s face. "If you do
a good job you could become a real reporter and get out of this basement,"
Larry 
continues.
"Well, Cousin, you’re a real reporter and you’re still
in this basement," Balki points out. "But I’m working very hard to
get out of it," Larry notes, "So, unfortunately, the answer to your
next question is no." "Wwowww!" Balki gasps, "I don’t even
know what my next question is going to be and you already know the answer!
Do
you have ESPN?" "No," Larry answers. "HBO?"
"No." "PMS?" Balki tries. "No. No, no no no no,"
Larry sighs, "Balki, the point I am trying to make as quickly as possible
is that I know you would like the advice of someone who has had a lot of
experience in journalism." "Oh, Cousin, I would! I would!" Balki
agrees, "Could you . . . introduce me to someone like that?" "No,
I mean I’m the one who could help you!" Larry explains. "Thank you, Cousin!" Balki exclaims.
"But I’m just too
busy," Larry adds. "Well, throw acid rain on my parade!" Balki
replies.
At the apartment a few days later, Balki is
working on the newsletter on the kitchen table. Dimitri is sitting next to him.
"Okay, Dimitri," Balki says, using rubber cement to paste down some
copy, "This part of the newsletter is finished. Wouldn’t have done it
without your help. Now, would you like to give it your stamp of approval?"
Balki makes Dimitri walk across the table and then picks him up and turns him
upside down, slamming him onto the newsletter repeatedly. Balki looks at Dimitri
and says, "Take five, babe," setting him on the counter behind him.
Larry walks in the door and says, "Hi, Balki." "Cousin!"
Balki says, running to greet him. "How’s it goin’?" Larry asks.
"Cousin, it’s going fantastic! I finished all my articles for the
Chronicle newsletter." He pulls Larry across the apartment toward the
kitchen. "Well, that’s terrific!" Larry offers. "Now we are so
happy, we do the Dance of Joy!" Balki announces. They do the Dance of Joy.
When Larry jumps into Balki’s arms, Balki carries him over to the kitchen
table so Larry can see his work before setting him down.
"Well, let’s see what you’ve got
here," Larry says as they both sit at the table. "Cousin, I think you’re
really gonna like this," Balki begins, "I . . . I feel I’ve
developed my own unique style. Some may liken it to Hemmingway while others cite
Kafka, but . . . you decide." He hands Larry the page. Larry starts to read
aloud, "The Chronicle’s favorite advice-columnist, Lydia Markham, looks
well rested after her vacation in the Bahamas." Larry pauses, then asks,
"Is that it?" "Pretty good, huh?" Balki asks. Larry reads
another article. "Mr. Gorpley has been looking pretty snazzy all week
setting a good example for the rest of us." "Oh, I editorialized a
little toward the end of that one," Balki comments, "I don’t know, I
thought it needed a little color . . . a little something . . . a little
snap." "Balki, this is all fluff," Larry notes. "Oh, thank
you, Cousin!" Balki hugs Larry’s arms, "That was my goal, you know,
but you don’t know, you lose perspective on a project like this. You know, it’s
all this . . . "
"No, no," Larry interrupts,
"I mean, where is the real story?" Balki points to the page.
"No,
who cares if Lydia looks well-rested 
or what Gorpley is wearing?
Balki, I’m
afraid this just isn’t good enough." "But, I write it just like they
told me to," Balki counters. "If they told you to jump, would you ask
how high?" Larry asks. "Well, of course not, don’t be
ridiculous!" Balki scoffs, "I’d simply jump as high as I possibly
could and hope it was good enough." "Good enough doesn’t sound like
you," Larry says. "Who does it sound like?" Balki asks.
"The
Balki I know wouldn’t settle for good enough," Larry explains, "The
Balki I know would want to do his best! The Balki I know would want to make this
the best newsletter in the history of newsletters!" "I want to be like
the Balki you know!" Balki says. "You are the Balki I
know!" Larry says, "Now Balki, if you want to make this newsletter
something worth reading then you’ve got to tell the story behind the story.
You’ve got to dig deeper. Telling your readers that Gorpley is well-dressed
isn’t enough. You’ve got to tell them why he is suddenly so
well-dressed."
"Cousin, I want do that!" Balki
agrees. "Good!" Larry says. "How I do that?" Balki asks.
"I’m gonna tell you how to do that," Larry continues. "I can’t
wait!" Balki says. "Okay," Larry begins, "Now, to be a good
reporter you’ve got to know how to use who, what, when, where and why, the
five W’s of journalism." "What?" Balki asks. "That’s
one," Larry nods. "What’s one?" Balki asks. "Exactly," Larry confirms.
"Exactly what?" "Good,"
Larry smiles, "And who is another." "I don’t know," Balki
says, "Who is another?" "Right," Larry nods, "And don’t
forget where." "Where what?" "That’s two."
"What’s
two?" "No, what’s one. Who is another. And you know where."
"I don’t know where," Balki says. "Sure you do," Larry
assures him, "What’s giving you trouble." "I don’t know what’s
giving me trouble," Balki says, "but I know who is giving me
trouble."
"No, who you’ve got," Larry
argues. "Who I’ve got?" "And you know where."
"Where?" "Exactly!" "Exactly what?"
"Perfect!" 
Larry encourages, "Just a couple more and we’ll be
done soon!" "When?" Balki asks. "Hey, you’re getting
pretty good at this!" Larry notes. "Ww . . . wwwww . . . wwwowwww!"
Balki cries, clutching his head as if he has a headache. "No, no . . .
why," Larry corrects. "I don’t know why!" Balki says
emphatically. "Well, you knew all the others." "When?"
"And where." "Where what?" "And why."
"I don’t
know why!" Balki cries, losing it, "All I know is I was sitting here
glueing, you came in, we did the Dance of Joy, you make some false promise about
another Balki and now I’m totally confused and emotionally drained."
"Okay, calm down," Larry urges, "Calm down." He waits while
Balki gathers himself. "Are you all right?" Larry asks. "Yes, I’m
. . . I’m fine, thank you," Balki answers, much more relaxed. "All
right, let’s start over again," Larry suggests. "With what?"
Balki asks. "Yes," Larry answers enthusiastically. Balki look as if he
will lose it again.
A couple of days later at the Chronicle, Balki standing
by the elevator holding a pencil and notepad. "Bartokomous!" Mr.
Gorpley calls as he 
comes out of his office, wearing a nice suit. Balki runs to
him. "It’s almost noon, I’m going to lunch, I’ll be back at
four." "Uh, Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley," Balki stops him,
"Would you please tell me how come you’re so dressed up this week?"
"That’s for me to know and you to find out," Gorpley answers. "Oh, I love guessing games as much as the next guy, you big kidder,"
Balki smiles, "But . . . but I’m working against a deadline." "And I’m working with an idiot," Gorpley remarks, then walks away.
Balki thinks about this. "Mr. Gorpley hires new employee," Balki
notes, writing it down, then looks at his notes and adds, "Check it
out!" Larry enters from the archives carrying a pile of folders.
"How’s
it goin’, Balki?" he asks. "Well, Cousin, I’ve got some leads but
every time I try to dig deeper I wind up shoveling alone." "Well, if
reporting were easy everybody would be doing it," Larry points out,
"If you want to be a good reporter you’re gonna have to change your
tactics." "Well, I put on a clean pair this morning," Balki
notes.
"No, I mean, you’re going to have
to find new ways of getting your information," Larry explains, "If
someone won’t talk to you, talk 
to their friends . . . talk to their wives . .
. talk to their ex-wives!" "Well, what if they’re not married and
they don’t have any friends?" Balki asks. "Well, then you have to
hang out in places where you think you can pick up information. Uh . . . water
cooler, the lobby, the snack bar. Who knows? You might have to go
incognito." "Oh, I don’t know, Cousin," Balki says worriedly,
"I don’t care much for Mexican food. It always gives me Monty Hall’s
revenge." "No, I mean, you might have to wear a disguise," Larry
explains. "But, but Cousin . . . that sounds an awful lot like
snooping," Balki realizes. "It’s not snooping if you’re writing it
down," Larry explains, "Then . . . it’s journalism!" "Oh!" Balki understands.
"Well, I’ve got to get this up to Mr.
Wainwright’s office," Larry says, holding up a paper, "Good luck
with your newsletter."
"Thanks," Balki says, then run
to the elevator asking "Can I push the button?" "All right, you
push the button," Larry agrees, 
letting Balki push it.
"Oh! Oh! And
don’t forget . . . " Larry holds up his hands and makes the sign for
"quotes." Balki holds up his fingers and makes the same motion,
saying, "Bye bye!" "No . . . no, not bye bye," Larry
corrects, "Quotes. Quotes. Always get exact quotes."
"Oh, right
right right right," Balki understands, "Quotes. Quotes."
Lydia
enters from the parking garage and sees them at the elevator. "Oh, hi
guys," she offers. They greet her. "Wainwright’s still running you
around like a madman, Larry?" Lydia asks. "Lydia, would you believe
this is the third time he’s had me rewrite this murder story?" Larry
asks, "He said I mentioned murder too many times." The elevator door
opens and Larry and Lydia step inside. "If you ask me, Mr. Wainwright is
not playing with a full deck," Larry sighs as he pushes the button and the
door closes. "Mr. Wainwright is not playing with a full deck," Balki
repeats to himself, then adds, "What a great . . . " He mimics
"quote" as the scene fades to black.
Act two begins at the Chicago Chronicle a
couple of days later.
Larry is working at his desk, surrounded by books. Balki enters from the loading
dock, 
wearing a canvas bag full of newsletters over his shoulders. He has folded
another newsletter into a paper hat he’s wearing on his head. "Extra!
Extra! Read all about it!" Balki shouts, "Get your copy of the
Chronicle Chatter, under new management." He sets one in front of Larry and
smiles, "Here you go, Cousin." "Thank you, Balki," Larry
offers, looking at it a moment then setting it aside. "It’s hot off the
presses!" Balki says, putting it back in front of Larry. "I’ll get
to it later," Larry promises, setting it aside again. "Read it before
they wrap fish in it," Balki insists, putting it back in front of Larry.
"I guess you want me to read this now," Larry deduces. "Only if
you have time," Balki replies. "I’ll make the time," Larry
decides, setting his pencil down, "I was hoping to read this before you
went to press but I’ve been so busy . . . " "Eh, Cousin, it’s
okay," Balki assures him, "It’s okay. We both had papers to put
out."
Mr. Gorply exits his office holding a copy
of the newsletter and laughing hysterically. "Oh Bartokomous, I have got to
admit it . . . this is the best thing I have seen in years." "Thank
you, Mr. Gorpley," Balki says. "Well, didn’t I tell you people would
love it?" Larry asks. "Well, I’m overcome!" Balki cries with
emotion, "But I can’t take all the credit. Cousin Larry helped,
too." "Well, whoever wrote the story about Lydia did a great
job!" Mr. Gorpley smirks. "Well, you’re lookin’ right through
him," Balki smiles. "I mean, everybody thought she went to the
Bahamas," Gorpley continues, "But you found out she really went to
Milwaukee to have an eyelid tuck." Gorpley laughs again, saying, "Nice
going, Bartokomous!" "Excuse me?" Larry asks, standing up.
"Yeah, well, it’s right next to the Dimitri the Sheep cartoon,"
Gorpley explains. "Oh, that’s going to be a regular feature," Balki
explains, "I thought maybe later on I could give it a political
angle."
Larry is reading the article about Lydia
aloud. "If you’re wondering who had what done where the answer is Miss
Lydia, the 
paper’s favorite advice columnist, went to Milwaukee to get her
eyelids tucked. When? Over the weekend. So if you get a chance, compliment her
on her new peeper-covers." Gorpley laughs again. "How many of these
have you given out?" Larry asks nervously. "One to every employee in
the building, and I left a complimentary pile in the lobby," Balki answers.
"Okay, get your coat!" Larry says hurriedly, "We’re getting out
of here!" "What?" Balki asks. "Come on!" Larry snaps,
gathering his things as the elevator door opens. "Huh?" Balki asks.
Lydia steps out, wearing sunglasses and looking furious. She heads off their
escape. "I want some answers and I want them now!" Lydia insists.
"Lydia, I’m sure everything can be explained," Larry says. "I
have been humiliated!" Lydia cries, "Held up to ridicule in front of
everyone in the building!"
"Who did this to you, Miss
Lydia?" Balki asks angrily, stepping in front of her, "They’ll have
to answer to me!" "Chill out, Lydia," 
Gorpley suggests, "I
thought the article was hilarious. Peeper-covers." He laughs again and
Lydia approaches him. "You are pretty cheerful for a man who doesn’t have
long to live," she smirks. "What are you talking about?" Gorpley
giggles. "The article about you and
Maggie," she notes. "The what?" Gorpley asks worriedly.
"You
mean there’s another?" Larry asks. "Oh, didn’t you read the last
page?" Lydia asks, "It’s equally hilarious." "Thank you
very much," Balki smiles, "I do try to accent the lighter side."
Gorpley reads from the last page. "Sam Gorpley, looking very handsome in a
pickled herring bone suit . . . was seen dining with who? Maggie Miner . . .
wife of sports editor and bodybuilder Matt Miner, that’s who. Apparently
Maggie has a sore knee because Mr. Gorpley was nice enough to rub it all during
lunch." Gorpley looks shocked. "I’m a dead man!" he nods,
"But I’m taking somebody with me!" He and Lydia advance on Balki.
Larry shields Balki, pushing him back and
laughs, saying, "Okay, okay, Balki! They fell for it! Let’s let them in
on our little joke. There are only two copies of the newsletter and you got
them." Gorpley and Lydia don’t buy it for a second. "They’re all
over the 
building," Gorpley states. "Balki, I cannot believe that you
would write stuff like this," Lydia says in a hurt tone. "You know, I
can hardly believe it myself," Balki agrees, "I was afraid my writing
would be flat and pedestrian, but . . . I just followed exactly what Cousin
Larry told me to do and . . . you can see the results." Larry’s eyes open
wide with shock and Lydia and Gorpley’s eyes open wide with realization.
They
advance on Larry now. "But I . . . I didn’t help that much," Larry
assures them. "Oh come on, Cousin, you’re being modest," Balki
insists, as Larry tries to wave him off, "No, no! Listen! The truth must be
told!" "Oh, I don’t know," Larry smiles nervously. "You
see, I was just going to write that Miss Lydia went to the Bahamas," Balki
explains, "But Cousin Larry kept saying no, you got to dig a little deeper,
you got to dig a little deeper." "No, no!" Larry cries, "I
didn’t . . . see, he couldn’t . . . he couldn’t . . . I didn’t . . .
"
Mr. Wainwright enters from the loading
dock, holding out a copy of the Chronicle Chatter and yelling,
"Appleton!" "Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!" Larry calls, using
the distraction to escape Lydia and Gorpley. He runs to his boss. "Yes,
sir, yes? What can I do for you, sir? Research? Filing? Out-of-town
assignment?" Mr. Wainwright is pointing to the newsletter and says,
"Explain this article in the Chronicle Chatter." "Oh no, another
one?" Larry sighs, and takes the newsletter and reads. "If you’re
wondering what Mr. Wainwright might like in his Christmas stocking, might I
suggest a pack of playing cards. And why would this be the ideal gift?
Because,
according to Cousin Larry Appleton, Mr. Wainwright isn’t playing with a full
deck." Larry starts to laugh with embarrassment. "Uh . . . uh . . . uh
. . . a full deck . . . isn’t that a nautical term?" Balki runs to them.
"Mr. Wainwright, one less thing to ask Santa for, huh?" he asks.
"It was a mistake!" Larry
insists, "It wasn’t me! I would never say anything like that about you,
sir. I must have been misquoted." "No, Cousin, I was standing right .
. . no, no, no, you taught me!" Balki makes the "quotes" sign as
Larry keeps trying to motion 
for him to stop talking. "I was standing
right there and I caught the exact quote as it flew out of your
mouth." "It . . . it was taken out of context!" Larry
insists, "It was . . . it . . . it had . . . it . . . have you lost
weight? Because that’s a very nice suit. It matches your
head. Your hair. The hair on your head."
"Appleton," Mr. Wainwright sighs. "Yes, sir?"
"You’re babbling." "Thank you, sir," Larry says.
"Appleton, when you’re
coherent . . . call me," Wainwright suggests as he leaves. "You bet I
will, sir," Larry promises. Larry sighs with frustration as Balki runs for
his pencil and notepad. "Mr. Wainwright and Mr. Gorpley in fashion
war," Balki states, "Check it out!" The elevator door opens and a
huge man steps out. "I’m Matt Miner," he announces, "And I’m
looking for Sam Gorpley." Mr. Gorpley shrinks in his spot. Then he and
Lydia both announce, "That’s him!" and point to Larry. Larry runs to
the loading dock with Matt Miner right on his tail.
That night, at the apartment. Larry is on
the phone in the kitchen. "Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright. Totally . . . totally,
totally uncalled 
for. Yes . . . yes . . . I really meant that about the weight
loss, though. You’re . . . you’re looking . . . you’re looking very very .
. . hello? Hello? Hello?" Larry hangs up the phone.
"Balki, good
news!" Larry calls out, "I’m off the hook with Wainwright. He was
very gracious." The door to Balki’s bedroom opens and he walks into the
living room, wearing a very uncomfortable basket-like mantle around his arms and
a headband made of rope with frayed ropes sticking out of it. Balki walks as if
in great pain, and Larry watches him with a pained expression as Balki makes his
way to the couch and sits down. "Balki, how long do you plan on wearing the
Myposian Mantle of a Thousand Itches?" Larry asks. "Well, Myposian law
states I must wear it one year for every person I offended, and let me see . . .
I offended seven people, so . . . I think we’re looking at a seven year
itch."
Larry walks over to the couch and sits
next to Balki. "Balki, I really think you’re carrying this a little too
far." "No, no, Cousin," Balki insists, "If I was carrying
this too far I’d be wearing the Boxer Shorts of Eternal Chafing." "Balki,
in America when you offend someone a verbal apology is sufficient," Larry
explains, "Unless you offend a large segment of the population . . . then
you get a Presidential pardon." "You mean if I write everyone I
offended a verbal apology I’d be okay?" Balki asks. "In a manner of
speaking," Larry confirms. "Well then I think I’ll do that,"
Balki states. "Let’s take this off," Larry says, helping Balki to
remove the mantle. Balki pulls the rope off his head and leans back on the
couch, then grimaces. He reaches for one of his vests which he slips on and
immediately looks more comfortable. "Wool," he explains, then says,
"After I deliver all my apologies, I’ll resign from the newsletter."
"Balki, you don’t have to do
that," Larry argues, "You did a good job!" "I did?"
Balki asks. "The first newsletter you wrote was pretty good," Larry
notes, "All it needed was a little fine tuning. And I’m sure you’ll do
a terrific job if I stay out of your way." "Cousin, would you do that
for me?" Balki asks. "You bet I would," Larry confirms.
"Thank you, Cousin." "I just have one question," Larry says,
"How did you find out about Gorpley’s lunch date with Maggie Miner?"
"Oh!" Balki begins, "I followed your suggestion and I went
undercover." Balki stands up and affects a California accent. "Hi, my
name’s Bart, I’ll be your waiter today. Uh . . . let me just put your drink
order in real quick and then I’ll be back to explain our specials and get you
started on our salad bar!" Balki skips away to the kitchen and Larry looks
impressed.
Script Variations:
There were a few differences between the
shooting draft dated August 23, 1989 and the final episode:
- The
first scene is almost exactly the same as what aired, except for the end.
Balki's last line is "Boy, talk about taking the wind out of my
tires." Gorpley then enters from the loading dock pushing a cart with
mail bags in it. "Bartokomous!" he calls, "Front and center
and make it snappy." Balki snaps his fingers. "I want this
mail sorted and delivered in the next twenty minutes," Gorpley
orders. Balki runs to him and says, "But, I was just about to go to
lunch." Mr. Gorpley replies with mock sympathy. "Oh, gee,
what can we do? Hey, I got an idea. Don't go to lunch."
"Thank you, Mr. Gorpley," Balki offers with admiration, "You are
some kind of idea man." "Hey, I'm looking out for you,"
Gorpley says. "You're so helpful," Balki continues, "No
wonder the guys on the loading dock are always saying they'd like to dance on
your face." Gorpley exits and the scene ends.
- After Larry talks about the Balki he
knows, Balki says, "I want to be like the Balki you know. How do I be
him? More to the point, where can I meet him?" The dialogue is
a little different after Larry tells Balki to dig a little deeper, Balki says,
"Cousin, I'm going to do that." "Good," Larry
replies. "How am I going to do that?" Balki asks.
"I'm going to tell you how to do that," Larry offers.
"Please do so at once," Balki replies. Also Balki's confusion
over the five W's of journalism is a bit different, with Balki saying, "I
don't know why. All I know is I was sitting here with Dimitri, you came in
and we did the dance of joy. You started throwing 'W's' at me now I'm
confused and emotionally drained." At the very end of the scene,
Balki says, "Dimitri, get your things. We're going back to Mypos."
- The next scene starts a bit sooner
than in the episode. Balki is at his work table and a man enters from the
loading dock. This is Mr. Thomas. "Excuse me, Mr. Thomas,"
Balki asks, "Balki Bartokomous, the Chronicle Chatter. Could you tell
me how bald you are under that wig?" "Did it ever occur to you
that you're violating my person space?" Mr. Thomas asks. "I
couldn't have parked in your space," Balki argues, "I took the bus
today." "Go fly a kite," Mr. Thomas huffs and exits.
"Don't I wish I could," Balki sighs, "But I have a paper to get
out today. Catch you later." Balki writes on his notepad,
"Someone is parking in Mr. Thomas' space. Check it out." A
woman named Mrs. Wilkie enters from the garage and goes to the elevator.
Balki follows. "Mrs. Wilkie, would it be okay if I interviewed
you?" "Of course you can, Balki," Mrs. Wilkie smiles.
"Great. We'll start with your age," Balki says. The
elevator door opens and Mrs. Wilkie steps in quickly, stating, "Such
flagrant impertinence." "Thank you, it's my new
aftershave," Balki smiles. This is when Mr. Gorpley enters and says
he's going to lunch.
- After Larry tells Balki he may have
to wear a disguise, Balki says, "I like that." "I thought
you would," Larry smiles. After Larry says, "It's not snooping
when you're writing it down. Then it's journalism," Balki asks,
"So that makes it okay?" "Not just okay, Balki," Larry
says, "it makes it a sacred duty." Balki swells with pride,
stating, "In that case, Cousin, I accept the challenge."
- When Larry finally says he'll look
at the newsletter, he notes, "I love what you've done with the logo.
Those are little mouths, aren't they?" "See the tongues
wagging?" Balki asks, "Chronicle Chatter . . . get it?"
"Very professional, Balki," Larry smiles, "You should be proud of
yourself." "And I followed all of your advice, Cousin,"
Balki adds, "I used all the 'W's' and lots of . . . "
Balki makes the quotes sign. "Quotes, quotes," Larry says,
"Then I'm sure you did a great job." This is when Gorpley exits
his office laughing about the article on Lydia.
- After Balki steps forward saying he
will defend Lydia's honor, she says, "Balki, I don't know what to
say. This really takes the cake." "Well, I am the editor
and chef," Balki smiles. After Matt Miner chases Larry from the
basement, Balki writes on his notepad, "'Miner mistakes Appleton for
Gorpley.' Check it out." Lydia crosses to Balki and takes the
notebook out of his hand. "Let's talk," she suggests.
Larry runs back through the basement chased by Matt Miner.
- After Larry tells Balki he thinks
he's carrying the punishment too far with the Mantle of One Thousand Itches,
Balki says, "No, Cousin. If I was carrying it too far, I'd be wearing
the matching culottes." The part about Balki putting on the vest
after taking off the mantle is not in this script. The rest of the script
is the same, except one direction which says Balki should tuck in a dish towel
in his belt before acting like Bart the waiter.
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