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Perfect
Strangers Episode Guide
EPISODE
72 - Wedding Belle Blues
First Air Date:
May 5, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH
Co-Producer:
James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Blair
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
JoMarie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Peter Allas: Verbos Verazonnos
Kathryn Marcopulos: Kiki Karadopolis
Bill Cort: Reverend Bacon
 Dimitri
Appearances: Dimitri is seen on the higher bookshelf wearing a tuxedo and
his own bullet hat!
Balki-isms:
"I’d rather have my arms cut off at the knees than go through with
this."
"Dead horses couldn’t drag me away."
Don’t be
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases
used in this episode:
"Let me get this straight . . . "
"Oh po po po . . . "
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki and Larry have a quick dialogue exchange, in this case "You’re
happy?" "I’m happy!"
Balki hugs someone he’s meeting for the first time
We hear Balki’s Mama calling, "Balki!" over the phone
Mary Anne shouting "Yaayyyy!!!!"
Balki calls Mary Anne his "little lamb kabob"
The Dance of Joy
Notable Moment:
Balki turns 25 years old (and becomes a man)
Interesting facts:
 -
Two of the extras we’ve seen regularly in the series show up at
Balki’s birthday party . . . the man who played Andre in Seven Card Studs
and the woman who is usually seen working behind them in the Chicago
Chronicle’s basement (there is someone sitting in the chair with their back to
us which could be the other man, but it's hard to make a definite
identification). Later, all three of the regular extras attend the
wedding.
- Balki makes reference to the fact that if he
doesn’t marry Kiki she will have to wear "the scarlet letter" which
is "R" for returned. This is a reference to the novel by the
same name written by Nathaniel Hawthorne in which a woman is forced to wear the
scarlet letter "A" (for adultery) after she bears a child out of
wedlock in 17th century puritanical Boston.
 -
Actor Peter Allas turned in a wonderful performance in this episode as
the lovelorn courier, Verbos Verazonnos. Peter still acts and according to IMDb
is a master of over 95 dialects and also works in Hollywood as a Dialect Coach.
- This is the first and only time we see the inside
of Larry’s bedroom.
- It is also the first time we see Jennifer’s
bedroom. Oddly enough, in the season six episode The Ring we see
that the girls share a bedroom instead!
- When Balki walks into the apartment with Mary
Anne he tells her "You can sit right up in front," but instead she
sits at the very back.
 -
Bill Cort, who played Reverend Bacon, was in countless television series
over the years, startin from the 1960's. He was a regular on the series Dusty’s
Trail and made guest appearances on Starsky and Hutch, Three’s Company,
The Ropers, Family Ties, Growing Pains and The Golden Girls, as well
as playing Headmaster Wallace Thorvald on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Sadly, William Cort passed away in 1993.
- While Mama is speaking over the phone you can
hear she says "Linki" at one point, the name of the gifted goat.
- This marks the last appearance by JoMarie
Payton-France in the series. Starting in the fall, she would star as
Harriette Winslow in her own spin-off series, Family Matters, which would
go on to become a huge hit for ABC.
- When Balki thanks Larry at the end he mentions
that if it wasn’t for him "I’d be down at the Econo-Lodge right now
eating pork rinds and watching me Pathetic bride cry her eyes out."
Why would Balki mention pork rinds? Read the Script Variations below to
find out!
Bloopers and
Inconsistencies:
- Balki is standing in Larry’s bedroom, looking out the window.
The wall the window is on would be straight ahead when looking at the apartment
head on like we normally do. The problem is the apartment they show us in
the establishing shots is in the middle of the building, and there wouldn’t be
any windows on that side! The same is true of the bathroom window, which
would be on the same side of the apartment as this one and can be seen when the
bathroom door is open.
- There are several consistencies and
inconsistencies between the wedding in this episode and the wedding which would
take place at the end of season seven. In the latter wedding, the best man
still walks the groom down the aisle (and in the same way), but is referred to
as the piggliwiggliki. Also the traditional Myposian marriage necklace,
the Bitatatoutata Ratatatouille does not play any part in this earlier wedding,
even though Balki makes it clear it is one of the most essential requirements
for a Myposian wedding when he marries Mary Anne. Balki's wedding outfit
is all white (although with less ornamentation in the latter) and includes the
saber in both ceremonies.
Synopsis:
 The
episode begins with a night time establishing shot of the apartment and the
sound of many voices singing "Happy Birthday, dear Balki . . . "
Inside we see a party is in full swing, with birthday banners hanging above the
bookshelves and counter. A banner that reads "Happy Birthday, Balki"
is strung across the hallway to their rooms. Balki is sitting on the
couch, surrounded by friends who are singing to him. He has opened his
presents and is holding a stuffed cat (a gift from Mary Anne) which he moves to
make it look as if it is singing as well. When they finish, everyone
applauds and Mary Anne yells "Yaaayy!" "Thank you,"
Balki smiles, "Now . . . now listen . . . I want to make an announcement.
This is a very important birthday for me and not even Cousin Larry knows why,
because today not only I’ve turned twenty-five but according to Mypos
tradition . . . I also become a man." "Wow, what were you
before?" Mary Anne asks. "I was twenty-four," Balki
answers.
There is a knock at the door.
"I’ll get it," Larry says, walking to open the front door. A
man wearing Mediterranean clothing steps forward, removing his cap and saying,
"I’m looking for Balki Bartokomous." "I’m Balki
Bartokomous," Balki says, getting up and 
running to the door, "Come in." He takes the man by the hands
and leads him into the apartment. "I am Verbos Verazonnos from the
island of Pathos." "From Pathos!" Balki exclaims,
"From Pathos?" Balki takes Verbos’ bag and cap and sets them
aside on the floor, then turns him to the party guests, "Everybody, he’s
from Pathos! Pathos is the island that is the neighbor of Mypos to the
east and Skeptos is to the west and all together they form the tri-island
area." Balki and Verbos perform a little ritual where they slap their
own thighs, then each others’ hands, and then tweak each other’s faces.
"So, you’re from Pathos!" Balki smiles, "It’s funny . . . you
don’t look Pathetic." "Well, only my father is from
Pathos," Verbos explains, "My mother was born in Skeptos."
"Oh," Balki says, studying Verbos’ face, "Oh, yeah yeah . . .
now I see it. Yeah, the nose and the mouth are definitely Pathetic . . .
and those eyes . . . those are the eyes of a Skeptic."
"Thank you! Thank you very
much!" Verbos says, bowing. "Well, you’re welcome," Balki
offers, bowing in return. "Thank you!" Verbos repeats, bowing
again. "Don’t mention!" Balki bows. "Thank
you!" Verbos bows. "Don’t mention!" Balki bows.
"Thank you!" "Don’t mention!" Balki and Verbos
each place a finger on each others’ foreheads to stop one another.
"Yes, but the 
reason I traveled all this way . . . I brought you birthday present from your
mother," Verbos explains. "Birthday present from Mama?"
Balki cries excitedly. Verbos reaches into his pocket and hands Balki
something that was wrapped in paper. "Here’s cookie for you,"
he says. "A moo koo cookie!" Balki exclaims, taking a bite.
"She sent a guy five thousand miles to bring him a cookie?" Mr.
Gorpley scoffs. Verbos has moved to the open front door and holds a piece
of paper from which he reads aloud. "Balki Bartokomous . . . in honor
of your twenty-fifth birthday . . . " Verbos motions to someone outside the
door, calling in Pathetic for them to enter. A woman in Mediterranean
clothing enters shyly and walks with Verbos to stand in front of Balki.
"Allow me to present Kiki Karadopolis . . . " Verbos says as Balki
takes another big bite of cookie. " . . . your bride to be,"
Verbos finishes. Balki starts choking on the cookie and Larry runs to him,
giving him the Heimlich maneuver.
Later that night, all the guests are gone
and Larry is cleaning up after the party. Balki enters, carrying a large
cloth bag over his 
shoulder and a bunch of flowers in his other hand. "Cousin,"
Balki begins, "I got Kiki and Verbos settled into the hotel."
Balki sits on the couch and Larry sits beside him. "Oh good,"
Larry says, "and you got Mary Anne flowers. She was really upset.
That’ll make her feel better." Balki pulls out a small basket from
the bag and starts ripping the petals off the flowers and putting them into the
container. "What are you doing?" Larry asks. "These
are for tomorrow," Balki explains, "The bride has to walk down an
aisle littered with flower petals." "Whoa, hold it," Larry
says, "What bride? What littered aisle? What are you talking
about?" "I’m talking about the Karadopolis / Bartokomous
wedding with reception immediately following," Balki explains, then stands
up and continues, "I thought we’d put like three rows of chairs right
here . . . " He motions behind the couch. " . . . and the
altar over there . . . " Balki motions toward the kitchen counter.
" . . . and the . . . "
"W . . . w . . . wait a minute . . .
wait a minute!" Larry says, standing up, "You mean, you’re going
through with this?" "Cousin, it’s a 
done deal," Balki replies, "The goat has already been delivered."
"Goat?" Larry asks, "What goat?" "It’s the
standard, short-form, inter-island marriage agreement," Balki answers,
"I get a bride and Kiki’s father gets a goat. Now I thought what I
would do . . . let me just see ‘cause these things are on sale . . . I want to
just strew a little bit . . . and just get . . . oh, this works good . . .
" Balki walks around behind the couch and heads toward the kitchen,
throwing the flower petals around as he goes. Larry follows behind him,
getting pelted with the flying flowers. Balki stops at the counter and
digs into the bag again. "And then, I thought this would be a good
place to put the traditional Myposian bull." Balki takes a large
wooden cutout of a bull from the bag and places it on the counter.
"All right, all right, Balki . . . I’ve had it with traditional Myposian
bull," Larry snaps, "Are you telling me you’re happy marrying a
woman you don’t even know?"
"Well, Cousin, she seemed very
pleasant on the way to the hotel," Balki states, walking to the couch.
Larry follows, asking again, 
"Are you happy marrying a woman you don’t even know?"
"Cousin, ah . . . uh . . . I . . . I’m gonna get to know her," Balki
notes, "We have years and years and years ahead of us."
"But are you happy?" Larry asks. "Yes, I’m happy,"
Balki answers quickly. "You’re happy?" Larry asks again.
"I’m happy," Balki insists. "You’re happy?"
"I’m happy!" "You’re happy?" "I’m
happy! I’m happy! I’m happy!" Balki yells, then pauses
before he finally admits, "No, I’m not happy! This marriage
is gonna change everything! I’m gonna have to move out and get another
place to live and I’ll have to get a second job and Mary Anne and I will have
to stop dating. I’d rather have my arms cut off at the knees than go
through with this." "All right, all right, good.
Good," Larry says, putting an arm around Balki, "Good. I’m
glad we got that out in the open." Larry sits on the couch with Balki.
"Now, tomorrow morning I’ll go down to the hotel and talk to Kiki.
Tell her thanks but no thanks and get them on the next plane to the tri-island
area."
"Cousin, I got to marry Kiki,"
Balki informs Larry. "What?" Larry asks, "Wait . . . why?
We were doing so well here for a moment.  There
was a connection . . . it was meaningful, it was succinct . . . "
"Cousin," Balki says, placing an arm around Larry, "I got to
explain something to you. You’ve got to understand this. First, I
could never go against Mama’s wishes. And second, if I don’t marry
Kiki, she will be disgraced. No other man will ever have her. And
she will have to walk through the streets of Pathos wearing the scarlet
letter." "The scarlet letter?" Larry asks.
"‘R’ for returned," Balki explains. "Balki, isn’t
there anything you can do to get out of this wedding?" Larry asks.
"Well, I remember when Depozipol Epopaloo got out of his pre-arranged
marriage to Mitchiboomba." "Well, great!" Larry says
hopefully, "What did he do?" "Well, the ground opened up
and swallowed him," Balki answers, "But . . . Cousin, unless we have
an 8.5 earthquake between now and tomorrow . . . I’ll be a married man."
The scene fades on their worried looks as Balki half-heartedly throws another
handful of petals.
 Act
two begins the next day. The apartment is decorated for the wedding.
Mr. Gorpley, Harriette and Lydia are in attendance as well as some other people.
There are chairs set up around a center aisle leading to the kitchen counter.
Guests have already arrived and Lydia is standing with Larry near the kitchen.
"Let me get this straight," Lydia says, "Balki is marrying
someone he’s only known for sixteen hours?" "That’s
right," Larry confirms. "Wh . . . what is this?" Lydia
asks, "A whirlwind romance?" "No, a birthday present,"
Larry answers. "Wow," Lydia sighs worriedly, "I only got
him cologne." "Well, you see, she came from Pathos, and . . . .
" Larry starts to explain, but Harriette walks up to him.
"I’ll explain it to her, baby," she offers.
"Thanks," Larry says. Harriette leads Lydia aside to explain the
situation to her.
 We
see Larry’s bedroom. Balki is standing alone, looking out the window.
"Balki, we’re almost ready," Larry announces. Balki turns to
Larry. He is wearing an all-white Myposian wedding suit with a sword
hanging on his left hip. Larry is speechless. "Wh . . . what is
it?" Balki asks, stepping forward, "What’s wrong?"
"No, no, you look fine," Larry assures him, "Just you look like
you’re about to lead the Charge of the Light Brigade." "It’s
the sword, isn’t it?" Balki asks. "Well, no really it’s
everything," Larry says, "But the sword is a big part of it."
"Well, it’s a traditional Myposian wedding saber," Balki explains.
"Is it a Myposian cultural symbol of honor and courage?" Larry asks.
"No, we use it on the wedding night to keep the sheep off the bed,"
Balki answers. "Of course," Larry nods, closing the door to the
bedroom behind him, "Listen, uh . . . Balki . . . there’s something I
wanna tell you." He sits Balki down on the end of his bed.
"Cousin . . . if this is about the
birds and the bees . . . I . . . I already know it," Balki says, then adds,
"You learn a lot from watching 
sheep. Although, if they catch you watching they come after you."
Balki mimes and angry sheep charging. "No, no, it’s nothing like
that," Larry continues, "I . . . before you go off to start your new
life I just wanted to say . . . goodbye." Balki lowers his head and
says softly, "I don’t want to say goodbye." "Oh, please,
Balki," Larry sighs, "Don’t make his any harder than it already is.
You know I . . . I have trouble expressing . . . . " " . . .
emotion," Balki finishes. "Right," Larry agrees,
"It’s just over the last three years you’ve become my . . . . "
" . . . closest friend," Balki finishes. "Right. When
you showed up on my doorstep you just made me . . . " " . . .
feel . . . " " . . . so . . . " " . . .
needed." "And I’m . . . I’m really gonna m . . . m . . .
" " . . . miss me," Balki finishes, "and I’m gonna
miss you, too, Cousin." They hug one another. After they part,
Balki looks at Larry and notes, "That wasn’t so hard to say."
"I guess I really opened up," Larry concludes.
There is a knock at the door and it opens.
Verbos steps into the bedroom and says, "Larry, that surprise is
ready." "Oh," Larry says, as he and Balki stand up, "Balki,
I have a wedding present for ya. I called Mypos and had them get your Mama
on the phone 
so that she could listen to the wedding ceremony." "Oh
Cousin," Balki smiles, "Only you would have thought of a present as
wonderful as that. Thank you. Well, I’d better go say ‘Dazu o do
yo yay’ to Mama." Balki hurries from the room. Verbos walks
to the bed where his bag is laying. "I will pack my things so that I
may leave after the wedding," he tells Larry as he begins to put some items
into the bag. "Well, I guess you’ll be happy to get back to
Pathos," Larry says, making conversation. Verbos sadly walks to the
end of the bed and sits down, sighing, "I don’t think I’ll ever be
happy again." "Is something wrong?" Larry asks.
"I’m in love with Kiki," Verbos confesses. "Verbos,
that’s great!" Larry exclaims. "No, it’s terrible!"
Verbos cries, getting to his feet, "I’m in love with another man’s
wife!" "Not yet, she’s not," Larry says, "because we
can still call off this stupid wedding." "No," Verbos
insists, "we can’t call off this stupid wedding." "What
do you mean we can’t call off this stupid wedding?" Larry asks,
"You’re in love with Kiki!" "Yes," Verbos nods,
"But she’s not in love with me."
We see Kiki in Jennifer’s bedroom as
Jennifer is attaching the bride-to-be’s headpiece. "Just tell me if
this headpiece is too 
tight," Jennifer says. "I want to die," Kiki states.
"I’ll loosen it," Jennifer replies. "The headpiece is
fine," Kiki assures her as she gets up and walks across the room, "My
life is miserable." "Well, if it makes you feel any better,
Balki is one of the finest human beings on the face of the Earth," Jennifer
offers. "I’m sure he is fine," Kiki agrees, "but I am in
love with Verbos." "Kiki, this is wonderful!" Jennifer
exclaims, "Now we can call off this stupid wedding!" Kiki shakes
her head, explaining, "No, we can’t. It’s too late for me to tell
Verbos how I feel about him." "But, I don’t understand,"
Jennifer says, "Why is it too late to tell Verbos how you feel? He
may feel the same way about you." "He doesn’t even know I’m
alive," Kiki insists, "If I told him how I feel I would only be
rejected and humiliated and then I would have to throw myself into the ocean
halfway home . . . because . . . there’s no way I’m walking around with that
‘R’ on my chest!"
Balki steps outside the apartment and into
the hallway as Mary Anne is coming around the corner. "Mary
Anne," Balki says with 
surprise. "Balki," Mary Anne answers. They stand looking
at one another somewhat uncomfortably for a moment, then Balki steps closer to
her. "Um . . . Mary Anne, I want you to know that even though I’m
marrying Kiki it will take me years and years before I can begin to feel about
her the way I already feel about you." Balki steps to her and moves
to touch her face, but refrains. "Mary Anne, I’m so sorry that
you’ve been hurt," Balki says sadly, "Maybe it would have been
better if I never come to America." "Oh, Balki, don’t say
that," Mary Anne says, "I’m glad you came to America. If you
hadn’t, I never would have met you. I don’t regret a thing . . .
except maybe this marriage business." "Do you think that we can
still be friends?" Balki asks. "Of course we can still be
friends," Mary Anne assures him. They hug each other tightly.
"Come on, Mary Anne," Balki says, taking her hand, "I’ll . . .
I’ll get you a good seat. I know the groom." They both laugh
somewhat at his joke, but as he turns to lead her inside she looks devastated.
Balki shows Mary Anne into the apartment
and tells her, "You can sit right up in front." A man in a suit
approaches Balki with a 
hand extended, saying, "Uh, I assume you must be the groom? I’m
Reverend Bacon." Balki hugs the man instead of shaking his hand, and
saying "Oh, I’m Balki Bartokomous." The Reverend cries in pain
and Balki backs away, realizing he had accidentally jabbed the hilt of his sword
into the man’s stomach. "Oh, pardon my saber," Balki
apologizes, "Thank you for coming on such short notice. You know
usually we have Mooki, the oldest man on the island, come down from Mt. Mypos to
perform the wedding but since the trip would kill him we decided to go with
someone local." "Well, you’re not to worry," the Reverend
smiles, "I think I can handle it. I’m used to performing strange
weddings. I used to live in California." Balki produces a piece
of paper and says, "I wrote out the Myposian wedding vows for you in
English in case you’re not familiar with them." The Reverend takes
the paper and looks it over, then asks, "What’s that word?"
"Dysentery," Balki answers.
Harriette is behind the counter on the
phone and she waves the receiver in the air, saying, "Balki, I think Mama
wants to talk to you." We hear Mama’s voice yell, "Balki!"
through the receiver. "Oh!" Balki cries, running to take the
receiver, saying, "Dazu, Mama? Oh, oh ya, lots of statiki."
Balki continues to talk to her in Myposian (including oh po po po po), ending
with, "Okay. Later, 
babe." He hands the phone back to Harriette. Larry and Verbos
enter from the bedroom and Balki walks back down the aisle, calling,
"Cousin? Cousin Larry?" Larry joins Balki at the beginning
of the aisle and they hold hands with their arms hooked. "Okay,
Cousin . . . this is it," Balki says. "Hey, Balki, do I really
have to do this part?" Larry asks, looking uncomfortable.
"Cousin, this is one of the most sacred parts of the Myposian wedding
ceremony," Balki explains, "The best man has to give the groom
away." "All right," Larry resigns himself, "Let’s
get this over with." The Reverend motions to Lydia who begins a tape
recorder with a Myposian march. Larry and Balki proceed down the aisle to
the music, stopping every three steps to gyrate their hips front to back a
couple of times. They move this way to the end of the aisle where they
turn and then Larry turns to face Balki as he moves into his seat.
Jennifer enters and moves to take her seat
with Larry, telling Balki and the Reverend, "She’s ready."
Lydia starts the recorder to 
play a Myposian version of The Wedding March as Verbos opens the front door.
Kiki enters wearing a lovely white wedding dress. Verbos walks her up the
aisle to the music. Kiki hands her bouquet to the woman sitting in the
front row and then turns to Balki. Verbos sadly walks back down the aisle.
Balki takes Kiki’s hands and bows over them, then they both kneel in front of
the Reverend, who puts on his glasses and begins. "We are gathered
here today to join together in holy matrimony Balki Bartokomous, humble
sheepherder turned big-city mailroom executive, and Kiki Karadopolis, daughter
of Attila and Chi Chi Karadopolis." As the Reverend continues,
Jennifer leans to Larry and comments, "Kiki makes a lovely bride, doesn’t
she?" "Yeah," Larry says absently. "Too bad
she’s in love with Verbos," Jennifer sighs. "Yeah," Larry
says again, then realizes what Jennifer has said. "What?"
"Unfortunately, he doesn’t know she’s alive," Jennifer says sadly.
"Yes, he does!" Larry says, "He’s crazy about her!"
"That’s wonderful!" Jennifer says, "Now we can call off this
stupid wedding!"
 "The
exchange of rings is a symbol of the marriage relationship which lasts forever
and ever and ever . . . " The Reverend turns the page over and
continues, " . . . and ever. Do you, Balki Bartokomous, take this
woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I . . . " Balki
begins. "Stop the ceremony!" Larry cries, jumping to his feet,
"The wrong people are getting married here! Kiki is in love with
Verbos and Verbos is in love with Kiki." Balki and Kiki get to their
feet. "You love me?" Verbos asks Kiki in shock.
"You love me?" Kiki asks in return. "You love each
other?" Balki asks. "That’s great!" Larry smiles,
"The wedding’s off! Everybody’s happy!" Kiki, Verbos
and Balki all cry out in agony and cover their faces as they sob. "Am
I missing something here?" Larry asks, "Shouldn’t we all be doing
the Dance of Joy? Yes! Of course we should! Everybody, grab a
partner! Here we go!" Larry starts trying to do the Dance of
Joy with Balki but Balki urges him to stop.
"Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, this don’t
change anything," Balki explains. "Why not?" Larry asks.
"Because Mypos tradition says that 
I still have to marry Kiki. The wedding has to go on as planned,"
Balki insists. "What is it with you people?" Larry asks, "Kiki
and Verbos are in love. Doesn’t that mean anything?"
Harriette holds out the phone receiver and again we hear Mama call "Balki!"
over the phone. "Nay, Mama?" Balki asks. She speaks
quickly in Myposian to him and Balki look surprised. "Mama says that
she wants to call off the wedding!" he announces. Everyone cheers but
Mama continues to speak. "Oh, wait a minute, there’s bad
news," Balki reports, "Uh . . . Kiki’s parents don’t want to give
back the goat." Kiki looks offended. Larry is appalled, and
cries, "You mean two people are going to have their lives ruined . . .
three people are going to have their lives ruined . . . four people . . . .
" "Cousin!" Balki cries. "A bunch of people are
gonna have their lives ruined over a stupid goat?" "It’s not a
stupid goat," Balki argues, "It’s Linki. He’s gifted."
Mama starts talking over the phone again
and it takes a moment for Balki to realize he’s missing what she’s saying
and put the 
phone back to his ear. He listens intently until she’s finished, then
replies, "Oh . . . okay, babe. You’re the boss." Balki
hands the receiver back to Harriette, then walks slowly toward to altar, looking
stunned. "So what did she say?" Larry asks anxiously.
"She said that . . . that . . . that . . . that a deal was made . . . and .
. . a goat was delivered . . . and a marriage must take place." Mary
Anne drops her eyes in disappointment as everyone sighs sadly. "But,
she did suggest one small change," Balki adds, walking down the aisle to
Verbos as he removes the wedding saber and places it over Verbos’ shoulder
instead. He leads Verbos to the altar where he takes Kiki’s hands and
everyone applauds. Even after everyone else has stopped clapping, Mary
Anne continues to applaud and loudly yell, "Yaaaayyy!!!" She
stops when she realizes everyone else has stopped and says, "Sorry."
 Later
that day, Balki and Larry are at the door with Mary Anne and Jennifer.
"It was a beautiful wedding," Jennifer says to Larry. "I
didn’t like the way it began but I sure like the way it ended," Mary Anne
smiles, "Are we still on for hot chocolate later?" "Dead
horses couldn’t drag me away," Balki answers. Balki kisses Mary
Anne on the cheek. "I’ll bring the marshmallows, my little lamb
kabob." He kisses her on the nose. "Come on, Mary
Anne," Jennifer says, taking her shoulders and heading her out the door.
"Bye," Mary Anne says as they leave. Larry closes the door and
says, "Well, Balki, right about now the newlyweds should be enjoying the
wedding present I gave them . . . a night’s stay in the bridal suite of the
Evanston Econo-Lodge."
"Cousin, thank you," Balki says
sincerely, "If it wasn’t for you I’d be down at the Econo-Lodge right
now eating pork rinds and 
watching my Pathetic bride cry her eyes out." We see the receiver is
still off the phone and Balki’s Mama calls, "Balki?" "I
forgot about Mama!" Balki gasps. "She’s still on the
phone?" Larry asks. They run the phone where Mama is shouting angrily
in Myposian. Balki tries to calm her, then Larry says, "Say goodbye.
I’m gonna have to take out a loan to pay for this call." Balki’s
Mama calls "Balki!" and says something else in Myposian.
"What’d she say?" Larry asks. "She says she’s not gonna
get off the phone until we do the Dance of Joy," Balki explains.
Larry takes the receiver from Balki and they launch into the Dance of Joy.
When they finish and Larry is in Balki’s arms, he says into the receiver,
"Bye, babe," and hangs up as Balki and Larry smile at one another.
Script Variations:
There are some
differences between the revised first draft dated April 6, 1989 and the episode
which aired:
- The
episode begins with Balki opening his last birthday present instead of everyone
singing Happy Birthday. He reads the card, "'Happy Birthday from your
secret friend and admirer . . . Mary Anne.' Thanks Mary Anne."
"How did you know it was from me?" she asks. Balki opens the
present and takes out a cute stuffed kitten. "Isn't it cute!"
Balki says. "Yeah," Gorpley sneers, "It's just like the
stuffed kitten I bought for my dog to tear apart."
- After Balki announces that because
he has turned twenty-five he has become a man and Mary Anne asks what he was
before, Balki says, "Let me explain. On Mypos, we have the many ages
of man. You start out as a little, tiny baby. We call that the
'little tiny baby stage.' At two, you become a 'bigger baby.' Then
nothing much happens until you turn six, when you become a 'boy' . . . unless,
of course, you're a girl. At sixteen, you become a 'young man.'
That's when you discover (he looks at Mary Anne) the opposite sex. At
twenty-five you become a 'man.'" Larry thinks this over and says,
"Well, that's great, Balki . . . " Balki continues, "At
thirty, providing your wife is willing, you become a 'family man.' Then
you're good up until forty when you start have fantasies about running off with
a dairymaid half your age. We call that the 'middle-aged crazies.'"
"Well, that's great, Balki . . . " Larry tries to stop him again but
Balki is on a roll. "At sixty-five, you become an 'elder,' and you
get the right to vote. At a hundred and two, you become 'a really old
man.' And eligible for social security so you can live the rest of your
life in leisure." "It's amazing they ever came up with a written
language," Larry notes. "So, Balki, now that you're a man, will
your life change in any way?" Jennifer asks. "Well, of course it
will. Don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "From now on, I must
wear boxer shorts instead of briefs."
- After Verbos arrives and Balki
explains he's from the tri-island area, Larry asks, "You're not related to
me are you?" "I don't think so," Verbos answers. The
bit with the moo koo cookie is not in this version.
- Later that night, Jennifer and Larry
are helping a visibly upset Mary Anne to the door. "As soon as Balki
gets back from taking Kiki and Verbos to the hotel, he'll explain the whole
thing and you'll see that this is just a big 'old world' misunderstanding,"
Larry assures her. "I certainly hope so," Mary Anne says,
"After she came, I didn't have any fun at the party at all."
"Mary Anne, trust me," Larry says, "There's no way Balki is going
to marry that Pathetic girl. I mean, that girl from Pathos."
Balki enters. "Well, we worked everything out," he announces.
Larry turns to Mary Anne and says, "See, I told you." "It
was too late to rent a chapel so we'll have the wedding here tomorrow,"
Balki explains. "Well, he explained Larry," Mary Anne says,
"And it didn't help a bit." She leaves. Balki starts after
her, saying, "Mary Anne." Jennifer stops him. "Balki,
maybe you should give her some time to calm down," she suggests.
Jennifer exits. "Balki, you can't get married tomorrow," Larry
says. "I have to," Balki answers, "The official engagement
period is already over. It started when the goat was delivered."
"Goat? What goat?" Larry asks. "It was part of the
marriage agreement," Balki explains, "I get a bride and Kiki's father
gets a very nice goat." "Wait. This is crazy," Larry
says. "I'll say," Balki agrees, "Kiki's at least a two goat
bride. But, Mama drives a hard bargain." "What about Kiki?"
Larry asks, "How does she feel about all this?" "Who
knows?" Balki asks, "She's taken the traditional vow of silence that
all brides from the tri-island area must honor. She can't talk to any man,
including me, until after the wedding." "Balki, this is
absurd," Larry argues, "Do you really want to do this?"
"Who said I wanted to do this?" Balki asks, "I'd rather have my
arms cut off at the knees than do this. I'm not ready to get married.
This changes everything. We'll have to get our own place. I'll have
to get a second job. There'll be more mouths to feed if she's
willing." "Oh, that's a relief," Larry sighs, "Look,
tomorrow we'll take Kiki and Verbos to breakfast. And you can tell Kiki
that you're sorry she went to all this trouble, but you can't marry her."
"Oh, I can't do that," Balki says. "Balki, I'm not going to
tell her alone," Larry insists. "No, Cousin, I have to marry
Kiki," Balki says. "But why?" Balki explains about
not going against Mama's wishes and the scarlet letter. He doesn't mention
Depozipol Epopaloo, he just says "There's nothing anybody can do. But
this time tomorrow, I'll be a married man."
- Act two begins with Larry talking to Lydia as in
the final episode, except he says, "What can I say? I'm as surprised
as anyone that Balki is getting married." "How long have they
known each other?" Lydia asks. "Coming up on sixteen
hours," Larry answers. "How exciting!" Lydia comments,
"A whirl wind romance." "No, a birthday present,"
Larry sighs. "Wow, I only got him cologne," Lydia notes.
Lydia sits down and Reverend Bacon enters. "Hello, I'm Larry
Appleton," Larry greets him, "Are you a friend of the bride or
groom?" "Neither, I'm the minister you hired."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Larry apologizes, "I should have recognized you.
You look just like your picture in the yellow pages." "Can we
get started?" the Reverend asks, "I have three more weddings and a
tennis lesson." "Of course," Larry says, "I'll get the
groom." Larry heads for his bedroom.
- When Larry enters the bedroom and sees Balki,
Balki turns and asks, "What's wrong? Did I forget to close
something?" He checks himself. "No. You look
fine," Larry assures him, "In fact, it's amazing. You look just
like a man who's about to get married." "Oh, thank you,
Cousin," Balki says, "That's exactly the look I was going for."
When Larry sits him down on the bed and Balki says he already knows about the
birds and the bees, Larry says, "No, it's nothing like that. I want
to say 'goodbye.'" "Goodbye?" Balki asks, "Where are
you going? The wedding is about to start." "Balki, please
don't make this any harder than it is," Larry begs, "You know I have
trouble expressing . . . (voice cracks) . . . emotion." "Oh.
That kind of goodbye," Balki realizes. "I just want to say that
we've had some great times over the last three years. I'm glad you showed
up on my doorstep." "So am I," Balki agrees.
"And . . . and . . . " "I'm gonna miss you a lot too,
Cousin," Balki says. They both heave a sigh of relief.
"There. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Balki asks. "No.
I thought it went very well, myself," Larry says. When they stand up,
they suddenly feel terrible separation anxiety. They grab onto each other
and hug, then Balki says, "Cousin, you can come over and visit Kiki and me
anytime you want. Our doormat is always open." "Mine
too," Larry says, "You can come visit anytime you want."
"I will," Balki promises.
- Verbos enters and says, "Balki, your Mother
is on the phone." "Mama? On the telephone?" Balki
asks with surprise. "This is my wedding present to you," Larry
explains, "I called Mypos and had them get your Mama on the line so she can
head the wedding ceremony. They even have a translator standing next to
her so she can understand everything." "What a surprise!"
Balki says, "Cousin, this is great. Thank you. Well, I better
go say 'hi' to Mama and try not to tell her how much I don't like the birthday
present she sent me." Balki leaves. After Larry comments that
Verbos will be glad to get back to Pathos, Verbos chokes back emotion and says,
"One would think so, yes." "What's wrong?" Larry asks.
"It's Kiki," Verbos says. "What about Kiki?"
"I love her," Verbos breaks down. The rest of the scene plays
the same as filmed until Verbos says, "But, she's not in love with me.
She doesn't even know I'm alive. Three weeks I spent with her on the tramp
steamer coming here. Three weeks she never looked at me or said one word
to me. If I told her how I feel, I would only be rejected and humiliated.
I think I would have to throw myself into the ocean halfway home."
- The scene between Kiki and Jennifer is the same
as the final episode.
- When Balki and Mary Anne meet in the hallway,
Balki says, "I was looking for you. I wanted to say 'goodbye.'"
"Me, too," Mary Anne sighs. "Although it really isn't
goodbye," Balki notes, "I'll still be living in Chicago. We'll
probably run into each other on the street or in the 'Stop'n'Shop' at the 'Make
Your Own Cocoa' counter." "That would be nice," Mary Anne
says, "I'd hate to think we could never have cocoa together.
Again." Balki tells her he's sorry and suggests it would have been
better if he'd never left Mypos. The scene is the same as in the show,
except at the end Balki says, "Well, Mary Anne, I have to go. The
minister's rented by the hour."
- The script notes that Mary Anne takes a seat in
the front row for the wedding. After talking to Reverend Bacon (the same
as in the final episode) Balki notices Harriette holding the phone.
"Just one moment," Balki tells the minister, "Let me make sure my
Mama can hear." The script notes (IN MYPOSIAN) Balki says,
"Mama, can you hear me?" Mama's voice says, "Balki."
"We're ready," Balki announces. As the ceremony begins, Balki
tells Larry, "Okay, Cousin. This is it. The day none of us were
waiting for." Balki and Larry do not do the dance down the aisle in
this version.
- The ceremony plays out the same as in the show,
except after Larry announces that Kiki and Verbos love each other Mary Anne
excitedly says, "Way to go, Larry!" After Kiki and Verbos cry
out in anguish (Balki doesn't in this script) Larry says, "For a couple in
love you don't sound very happy." "They're not, Cousin,"
Balki explains, "I know you're trying to help, but this doesn't change
anything. Kiki still has to marry me. The wedding must go on as
planned." "But these two people love each other," Larry
points out, "Doesn't that mean anything?" "I'm afraid all
it means is now they have to suffer in front of everyone instead of keeping it
bottled up inside," Balki says. "Way to go, Larry," Lydia
says sarcastically. "Is this part of the ceremony?" Reverend
Bacon asks, "It's hard to follow." "No, go right
ahead," Balki says. "Okay, let's pick it up from the ring?"
the Reverend suggests. This is when Mama calls for Balki and says they are
considering calling off the wedding, only then the goat seems to be a problem.
When Mama gives her blessing and Balki pulls Verbos to the groom's spot, Balki
says, "That is, if you two are interested?" "Yes!"
Verbos and Kiki both say. Mary Anne does her long cheer. Balki tells
the couple-to-be, "Go forth and multiply. Mama said this could start
a new trend, people getting married who love each other."
- In the final scene, after Balki says "Wild
sheep couldn't keep me away" from having hot chocolate with Mary Anne,
Jennifer says to Larry, "It's a wild and crazy life they lead."
After the girls leave, Larry says, "Well, Balki, I guess right about now
the newlyweds are enjoying the honeymoon I gave them." "You gave
them a melon for a wedding present?" Balki asks. "Honeymoon.
Not honeydew," Larry explains, "I gave them a night's stay in the
bridal suite of the Evanston Econo Lodge." "How nice,"
Balki says, "I gave them pork rinds." "They're nice,
too," Larry says. "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, "If
it wasn't for you I'd be down at the Econo Lodge eating pork rinds and watching
my bride cry her eyes out." After Mama calls Balki to the phone and
he says she wants them to do the Dance of Joy, Larry points out, "Balki,
she can't see us." They sing 'The Dance of Joy' into the phone
without dancing. Mama calls, "Balki!" Balki says,
"Sorry, Mama," and they do the Dance of Joy for real.
There are a few more
changes in the second draft dated April 7, 1989:
- The
episode opens the same as above, except when Mary Anne asks, "How did you
know it was from me?" Balki says, "I was with you when you bought
it." Mary Anne is then the one who says, "Oh. Isn't it
cute?" After Gorpley makes his crack about getting one for his dog to
tear apart, Harriette tells him to "Shut up."
- After Verbos tells Balki he has a present for
him, he says, "Sorry, I've been traveling for three weeks in these clothes.
Here's cookie for you." The rest of the scene plays out the same as
in the final episode.
- In the next scene, the part with Jennifer and
Mary Anne has been taken out. The scene is a kind of hybrid between the
above version and the final version. The only new lines are when Larry
says, "Balki, none of this rings true." "Rings. I've
got to buy rings," Balki realizes. Larry then says, "Balki, I
can't believe for a minute that you want to marry a woman you don't even
know." "I know her," Balki says, "She seemed very
pleasant on the way to the hotel." (The part about Kiki not speaking
is not in this version). After Larry says he'll go down and talk to Kiki
and tell her thanks, but no thanks, and put them on the next plane to the
tri-island area, Balki says, "Cousin, you don't do that. She'll miss
the wedding." This time Balki does tell the story about the man who
got out of his arranged marriage the ground opening up and swallowing him, only
in this version his name is Zeppos Teradoplois.
- The opening scene of act two with Larry and Lydia
is the same as in the final episode. The part where Larry talks to the
minister is the same, except at the end Larry says, "I'll go see how the
groom is doing. This is not exactly the greatest day of his life."
"It's not?" the Reverend asks. Harriette steps over and says,
"I'll explain it to him, baby."
- In this version, the talk about the sword is
included. When Larry asks, "Oh, is it some Myposian cultural symbol .
. . Honor, courage, the willingness to defend your wife to the death?"
Balki answers, "Oh, I never thought of that. We use it to keep the
sheep off the bed during the honeymoon." The scene in which they say
goodbye is now written as it's done in the aired episode.
- The scene with Larry and Verbos is now almost
exactly like in the final episode, except at the end Verbos gives the talk about
Kiki not looking at him or talking to him on the tramp steamer, and then adds,
"The only bright spot is I won't have to pay full fare on the return trip.
I plan on throwing myself into the ocean half way home."
- The scene with Jennifer and Kiki is the same.
- The scene with Balki and Mary Anne is more like
the final show, except after Balki says it will take him years and years for him
to feel about Kiki the way he does about her, he adds, "But, a deal's a
deal. Now, what did you want to say?" "I wanted to beg you
not to marry Kiki, but I guess it's too late for that," Mary Anne says.
The rest of the scene is as how it aired.
- When the wedding begins, Balki is talking to Mama
in Myposian, then says, "Mama said get this show on the road."
This time Balki and Larry do perform "the wedding march bit."
Before they start, Larry asks if he really has to do this and Balki says,
"Cousin, there's certain Myposian observances that must be observed."
- In both of these earlier script versions,
Jennifer does not say "Good, now we can call off this stupid wedding!"
after Larry tells her Verbos adores Kiki.
- The wedding scene is now written as it will be
filmed, except when Larry asks if it doesn't mean anything that Kiki and Verbos
love each other, Balki says, "It just means that three people who were
unhappy are now really miserable." Then Lydia comments, "Way to
go, Larry." The part with the Reverend asking if this is part of the
ceremony is also still intact. The wedding plays out as in the final
episode, except Balki's comment about how this may start a new trend of people
marrying who love each other is still there. Also the direction at the end
of the scene reads, "Jennifer hugs Larry. Balki hugs Mary Anne.
Everybody hugs everybody, except for Gorpley, who no one wants to hug."
- The final scene plays out as written above,
except that when Larry tells Balki what his wedding present was to Verbos and
Kiki (the night's stay in the bridal suite of the Evanston Econo Lodge) Balki
says, "And people call you cheap," the says he only gave them pork
rinds. The scene plays out as in the final episode, all except for Larry's
"Bye, babe" at the end, which isn't in this script.
Continue
on to the next episode . . .
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