Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH
Filming Date: March 21, 1989
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 70 - Seven Card Studs
First Air Date: April 14, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH
Filming Date: March 21, 1989
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Paula A. Roth
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Guest Cast:
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guy Christopher: Walt
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen
in the apartment scenes sitting on the bookshelf with a dealer’s visor on and
some poker chips in front of him.
Balki-isms:
"Other than that it was really a
great way to experience male bondage."
"Mr. Gorpley is quite the
aardvark."
"In fact, I doubt if in the whole
history of card playing there have ever been two more rank-smelling
amateurs."
"Fold, spindle, mutilate!"
"It’s my mad money. If you lose it,
I’m gonna be real mad!"
"You can’t bet my ball of wax! I’ve
been collecting it for years!"
"I spent the whole evening on an
emotional roller derby."
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Funny, funny thing . . . "
"Well, I’ll be snookered."
"Wwowww!"
"What was the question?"
"I don’t think so!"
"Well, tell me something I don’t
know!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki looks into Larry’s mouth as Larry
pronounces a word for him
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry has a plan
Larry and Balki have a quick word
exchange, in this case "Do you?" "I do!"
Larry and Balki talk at the same time in a
mumbling way, then finish by saying something at the same time
Interesting facts:
- The title of the episode is a pun on the
poker variant called seven-card stud, although the type of poker they are
playing in the episode is actually five-card stud.
-
This is the first time we've seen Balki wear his bullet hat since the
second season episode Can I Get a Witness?
- When Larry announces he has a plan in
this episode, Balki responds with "Oh golly!" This will be the
precursor for the more common, "Oh God!" reaction Balki has to Larry’s
plans.
- The background character who was
formerly known as Paul when he was on Gorpley’s bowling team in the episode, Blind
Alley, appears in this episode as Gorpley’s poker buddy, only now his name
is Andre.
-
Guy Christopher, who plays Walt in this
episode, would again appear as a Chronicle employee in the season five episode Here Comes the
Judge. He had previously appeared on General Hospital and later
he made appearances in the
series Knots Landing and provided the voice of Earl Eccchhh on the
animated series Galaxy High School.
- This is the second episode in a row in
which Jennifer appears and Mary Anne doesn’t.
- It’s also the second episode in a row
in which Larry has a plan that actually works!
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- At the end of this episode, Larry tries
to play a joke on Balki when he points to Balki’s shirt and asks "What’s
that?" then touches the end of Balki’s nose with his finger. Balki doesn’t
understand the joke at all. But when the cousins were playing Boochi Tag, Balki
actually played this same joke on Larry!
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the apartment one
morning. Larry has poured himself a cup of coffee and walks to the counter in
the kitchen, sipping it. He is surprised when the front door opens and Balki
sneaks in, carrying his shoes and trying not to make any noise. Larry watches
Balki slowly close the front door and start to tiptoe toward the bedroom. "Balki?"
Larry asks, startling Balki who didn’t realize Larry was already up. "Hi,
Cousin," Balki offers, trying to act like nothing is wrong. "Are you
just getting home?" Larry asks. "Well . . . yes," Balki admits
with a smile, then says, "Bye bye!" and tries to escape to his
bedroom. "Balki?" Larry calls, stopping him, "Were you working
all night?" "Well, no," Balki confesses, "We were playing
poker. Bye bye!" Balki again tries to hurry into his bedroom.
"W . . .
w . . . wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Larry calls,
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. You were playing poker?"
Balki laughs nervously, walking over to
the kitchen as he says, "Yeah. Funny, funny thing . . . um . . . I wasn’t
really even 
supposed to play but one of the regular players in Mr. Gorpley’s
game was sick and Mr. Gorpley graciously allowed me to sit in." "How
much money did you lose?" Larry asks. Balki breaks down sobbing, mumbling
something incoherent into Larry’s shirt sleeve. "What?" Larry asks.
"Oh Cousin . . . " Balki sobs again, again mumbling his words. "What?" Larry repeats.
Balki lifts his head and says clearly, "Oh
Cousin, I lost a hundred dollars." "You lost a hundred dollars?"
Larry shouts. "Cousin, don’t yell at me," Balki asks, "I’m
feeling quite vulnerable. I lost a hundred dollars." "Balki . . . it’s
all right. I’m not mad at you," Larry explains. "You yelled at
me," Balki points out. "I am mad at Mr. Gorpley," Larry
continues, "I can’t believe he took advantage of you." "Well,
Cousin, don’t get mad at Mr. Gorpley," Balki counters, "It wasn’t
his fault. He was trying to help me. He sat down right next to me so he could
help me by looking at my cards."
"Looking at your cards is against the
rules," Larry points out. "It is?" Balki asks with surprise.
"Yes, it is." "Well, I’ll be 
snookered," Balki says,
"I . . . I was wondering why he wouldn’t let me look at his cards. You
think that’s why I lost each and every hand?" "Yes, yes, I think
so," Larry agrees. "Cousin, you think if I go to Mr. Gorpley and ask
him real nice he’d give me my money back?" "Balki, you’re
dreaming," Larry scoffs. "I am?" Balki asks excitedly,
"Well, you mean I didn’t play poker all night and I didn’t lose a
hundred dollars? Cousin, it seemed so real." "Balki, it is
real," Larry assures him, "What I mean is Gorpley is a serious card
player. The only way to get your money back is to beat him at his own
game." "Well, Cousin, I’d love to get my money back," Balki
says, "In fact, losing the hundred dollars was the only part of the game I
didn’t enjoy. Other than that it was really a great way to experience male
bondage." Larry gives Balki a shocked look then thinks about it.
"Bonding," he corrects, "Male bonding. Bonding."
Balki looks
into Larry’s mouth to see how he’s pronouncing the word.
That evening, Larry carries a case from
the living room to the kitchen table, calling, "Balki? Would you come out
here, please?" 
Larry opens the case to reveal a card set complete with
racks and chips. Balki exits his bedroom, wearing his bullet hat and a towel
which he has tucked under the back of his shirt like a cape. He walks to the
kitchen table where Larry eyes him in confusion. "Did I catch you at a bad
time?" Larry asks. "No," Balki answers simply. "I was just
wondering why you’re wearing your bullet hat," Larry says. "Oh!" Balki smiles, "I figured out a way to make back that
hundred dollars that I lost. I’m going to hire myself out on weekends as a
human cannonball." Balki holds his arms straight out for a moment as if he
were flying through the air. "Balki," Larry sighs, motioning him to
step closer so he can take off his hat and the towel, "Forget about that.
It won’t be necessary. I told Gorpley we’d play in his poker game tomorrow
night. I’m going to win your money back." "Really, Cousin?"
Balki asks, "But you got to be careful. Mr. Gorpley is quite the
aardvark." Larry thinks about this a moment, then asks, "Perhaps you
mean card shark?" Balki nods his confirmation.
"But, Balki, I happen to be a great
poker player," Larry informs him, "In the poker world I was known as
‘Smooth Larry 
Appleton.’"
"Well, in the goat-milking world I was
known as ‘Cool Hand Balki.’" Balki mimes milking a goat, looking cool
as he does so. "Are you going to pay attention now?" Larry asks
impatiently. "Yes, I am," Balki assures him, "I’m going to . .
. focus." "First thing I have to do is to teach you to play
poker," Larry explains, picking up a notepad from the table, "I’ve
written down a few simple rules so you’ll know how to play your cards. As you
can see, two pair beat one pair, three of a kind beat two pair, a full house,
which is three of a kind and a pair, beat three of a kind, and four of a kind
beat a full house. Any questions?" "Wwowww," Balki says,
overwhelmed, "You make it all seem so complicated. All Mr. Gorpley did was
deal me five cards and we both look at them and . . . he take my money."
"Well, this is gonna be different," Larry promises, "Sit down,
Balki." They both sit at the table.
"This time," Larry continues as
he takes a stack of chips from a rack and splits it in two, "we are going
to take Gorpley’s money." 
Larry deals them each five cards.
"Now, it
is very important that nobody know what the cards in your hand are. All
right?" Balki is about to look at his cards but Larry stops him, saying,
"Watch me first. I’m picking up my cards. They may be good . . . they may
be bad. I am looking at my cards. What do you see on my face?"
Balki looks
closely at Larry’s face, finally pointing to the corner of his mouth and
saying, "There’s a tiny little bit of ketchup right there. And also a . .
. . " "All right, that’s enough!" Larry says in frustration,
"That’s enough. What I mean is your face should not reveal anything about
the cards in your hand. That is called having a poker face . . . a poker
face." "Oh, well, that’s a relief!" Balki smiles, "I
thought it meant being hit in the face with a poker." Balki laughs quietly
at his own joke. "Do you want me to win your money back?" Larry asks
impatiently. "Yes I do!" Balki assures him. "Do you?"
"Yes, I do!" "Oh, you do?" Larry asks, "All right then
. . . pay attention!" "Okay, okay," Balki backs down.
"All right," Larry continues,
"Look at your cards. Remember your face should not reveal anything about
the cards in your hand." 
Balki moves his hand over his face as if wiping
off his expression as he takes on a blank look. He looks at his cards, then at
Larry, flashing a quick smile before going blank again. He studies his cards
then looks at the list of winning hands Larry has given him. He runs his finger
down the list, stopping at a one hand, checks his cards, and his eyes widen for
a moment before he remembers to look blank again. Balki again checks the next
hand down on the list and his eyes open really wide, as does his mouth. He
struggles to blank his expression again, then checks further on the list. This
time he can’t contain his excitement, as he gasps deeply and fights back his
enthusiasm. He lets out excited noises even though he’s trying really hard to
refrain from showing his emotions. Finally he looks at Larry again with a blank
expression. "Good hand?" Larry asks. "How did you know?"
Balki asks with amazement. Larry takes Balki’s cards and puts them back into
the deck.
"Balki, I don’t want to take up
your whole night teaching you how to play poker," Larry says. "No,
Cousin, I want to know how to 
play poker!" Balki begs, "Please,
Cousin!" "All right, all right!" Larry agrees, "All right, I’ll
teach you later, but first we are going to go over the plan." "There’s
a plan?" Balki asks. "Yes!" Larry confirms. "Oh golly!"
Balki says worriedly, "There goes all the fun." "Balki, tomorrow
night we play Gorpley," Larry begins, "First we’re going to lose a
few hands on purpose so he’ll think I’m a beginner, too. Then I’ll suggest
that we pool our money and I play for both of us. When he agrees to that just
leave everything to me and I’ll win your money back." "Thank you,
Cousin," Balki smiles, "But are you sure you can beat Mr. Gorpley?"
"Balki, you are talking to ‘Smooth Larry Appleton.’ I can beat anybody!
There is magic in these hands." Larry flicks the deck, intending to catch
the cards in his other hand, but instead they fly in all directions. Balki doesn’t
look too confident, but Larry strongly shows the one card still in his hand as a
show of defiance, then slaps it down on the table.
The next night in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle, the poker game is in progress. Mr. Gorpley is playing with
Larry, Balki and two other men named Andre and Walt at a card table set up
between Larry’s desk and Balki’s work table. Balki is dealing the 
second set
of cards for their hand. "Here’s your two," he tells Walt,
"Dealer takes three." "I’d say these were worth five
bucks," Gorpley says off his hand, putting in one blue chip,
"Andre?" Andre folds by throwing his cards down. "Walt?"
Gorpley asks. "I’m out," Walt says, throwing his cards down as well.
"Up to you, Bartokomous," Gorpley says, "Are ya in?" Balki
looks at his cards and gets excited. "Whoa. Whoooaaa!
Whooooaaaaaa! Am I
in??" Balki cries. "Balki," Larry says under his
breath. "I got nothing," Balki announces, putting down his cards.
"How
‘bout you, Appleton?" Gorpley asks. "Well . . . I’m in,"
Larry says, placing a blue chip in the pot, "Read ‘em and weep. A pair of
threes." Larry places his cards face up to show everyone his hand, smiling
proudly. "Whoa, tough hand!" Gorpley says sarcastically, placing his
cards down, "Pair of sixes." "A pair of sixes?" Larry asks,
sounding shocked. Gorpley laughs and gathers in the pot. "Well, of all the luck," Larry
sighs. "Cousin, you and me must be the two worst poker players in the whole
world," Balki states, overplaying his part, "In fact, I doubt if in
the whole history of card playing there have ever been two more rank-smelling
amateurs."
"Oh say, I have an idea," Larry says.
"You
do?" Balki asks. "Why yes, I do. Well, I didn’t plan on this but
what if Balki and I pool our money so that just one of us plays? And then if we
raise the stakes we might have a better chance of winning our money back."
"Cousin, that’s a great plan!" Balki says, still overacting,
"Even though it’s not a plan but something you just now thought 
of."
"You want to raise the stakes?" Gorpley asks, then laughs maliciously.
"Only if it’s okay with you," Larry smiles. "Hey, Sam, these
guys are just beginners," Walt points out, "C’mon. It doesn’t seem
fair." "You want fair? Go coach Little
League," Gorpley snaps, then smiles at Larry, "Okay. No limit.
Which
one of you’s gonna play?" Larry and Balki start talking to each other
quickly, mumbling over each other. Finally they look at Mr. Gorpley and ask,
"What was the question?" "Which one of you is going to
play?" Gorpley asks again. "Oh!" they both say, then Larry says
"I will" as Balki says, "He will." "We’ve decided
that Cousin Larry is going to play, even though that wasn’t the plan but
something we just now thought of," Balki offers. "Now, what d’ya say
we play some real poker?" Larry asks. He shuffles the cards from one hand
to the other, not dropping any this time. Balki looks surprised and Larry raises
his eyebrows knowingly at Balki as the scene fades to black.
Act two begins some time later. The poker
game is still going on, with Larry looking stressed and Balki looking worried.
"Okay, I’ll 
see your five and raise you twenty," Gorpley says,
throwing the appropriate number of chips into the pot. "Andre?"
Gorpley asks. Andre folds. "Walt?" Walt folds.
"Fold,
Cousin," Balki urges. "Balki," Larry hisses under his breath.
"Fold, spindle, mutilate!" Balki cries, "Just don’t lose any
more of our money!" "I am trying to play poker," Larry snaps,
then to Gorpley he says, "I’ll see your twenty and raise you another
twenty." "Okay," Gorpley says, tossing in his chips, "I
call. What d’ya got?" Larry looks at Gorpley seriously, then throws down
his hand and says, "Three jacks. Beat ‘em." "Okay, three
kings," Gorpley smiles, showing his hand. "Cousin, I got to talk to
you privately," Balki urges, grabbing Larry by the arm and pulling him
away, "Excuse us!" "I’ll be back," Larry promises,
following Balki. They pass Larry’s desk and Balki turns to Larry.
"Cousin, remember that plan where ‘Smooth
Larry Appleton’ was supposed to win back my hundred dollars?" Balki asks,
"Well, I can’t help but notice that we’re down to our last twenty
dollars. Now when does the smooth plan kick in?" "Everything’s
working perfectly," Larry assures Balki, "Gorpley thinks he’s
winning." "Well, what a coincidence," Balki says, "I think
he’s winning, too!" "I am in total control of the situation,"
Larry says, "Now give me the rest of your money." "I don’t
think so!" Balki counters, "I keep giving you money and you keep
giving it to Mr. Gorpley. I could do that!" "Balki, your money
is safe with me," Larry insists, "Now hand it over." Balki pulls
a bill out of his pocket and holds it up, saying, "Cousin, this is my last
twenty dollars. It’s my mad money. If you lose it, I’m gonna be real
mad!" Larry snatches the money from Balki’s hand, saying, "Thanks.
Trust me." "Okay," Balki sighs, and they return to the table,
Larry announcing, "I’m in!"
"Guys, guys, guys," Mr. Gorpley
shakes his head, "Why don’t you just give me your last twenty bucks and
go home? You can’t 
beat me.
I’ve been playing poker since I was in high
school. They used to call me ‘Slick Sam Gorpley.’" "Cousin, let’s
get out of here," Balki urges, "He’s got a better nickname."
"Balki!" Larry says, staying put, "I can take him. I can do it.
Why don’t you go see a movie?" "I’d love to but you have all my
money," Balki points out. Larry gives the money to Gorpley and says,
"Give me another twenty dollars in chips." Jennifer suddenly enters
from the parking garage. "Larry, I was afraid I’d find you here!"
she says worriedly. "Jennifer!" Balki gasps in surprise. "Whoa,
who’s the blonde?" Walt asks excitedly. "Appleton’s
girlfriend," Gorpley explains, "Why I’ll never know." Larry
gives Gorpley a hurt look. "Larry, could I talk to you for a minute,
please?" Jennifer asks. "Not now. It’s my deal," Larry answers.
"Balki, we have to talk," Jennifer urges. "Yeah, okay,"
Balki agrees, getting up from the table.
Jennifer and Balki move a ways behind
Gorpley to talk. "Balki, we have to get Larry out of here," Jennifer
says softly. "Well, tell 
me something I don’t know!" Balki replies.
"How’s he doing?" Jennifer asks. "Well, he says he’s doing
great but Mr. Gorpley has all of our money," Balki answers. Mr. Gorpley is
listening intently to every word they say. "If we don’t get Larry out of
here right now he’ll start writing IOU’s. He’ll bet his car. He’ll bet
everything he owns," Jennifer says. "I’ll raise you twenty
dollars," Gorpley tells Larry, smiling wickedly. "But how can that
be?" Balki cries, "He’s supposed to be ‘Smooth Larry Appleton.’"
"He was ‘Smooth Larry Appleton’ years ago," Jennifer explains,
"but that’s before he got the fever. It got so bad he finally vowed to
quit and never pick up the cards again. I told him not to take this chance but,
Balki, he said he had to do it for you." Balki places a hand over his heart
in shock. "But . . . but . . . but . . . do you think he has any control
left?" "All right, here’s your twenty," Larry tells Gorpley,
putting in his chips, "And I’ll throw in the blonde." Jennifer and
Balki look shocked. "Apparently not," Balki answers his own question.
"Come on, Jennifer, we’ve got to
get him out of here," Balki says, and he and Jennifer walk to Larry and
start trying to pull him away from the table. "Cousin, come on," Balki
says, "We’re getting out of here." "Balki, I’m not going
anywhere!" Larry insists. "Larry, please, you know you’ve got the
fever," Jennifer says, "You can’t win!" Larry doesn’t move.
"Cousin, I’m sorry," Balki 
says, "but this is for your own
good." Balki grabs Larry around the middle and lifts him as Jennifer grabs
his legs and they both hold Larry up, pulling him from the table. Larry hangs on
to the edge of the table. "No, no, no!" Larry yells. "Mr. Gorpley,
tell him that the game is over," Balki begs. "Please, you have to let
us take him home," Jennifer agrees, "He’s lost control." "He’s got twenty dollars on the table," Gorpley points out.
"Yeah, not to mention the blonde!" Walt adds. "I’m not on the
table!" Jennifer says indignantly. "Oh," Walt sighs, "then I’m
out." He folds. "All right, Balki!" Larry says.
"What?"
Balki asks. "Put me down!" Larry insists. "No, Cousin!"
Balki cries. "Put me down!" "No!" "Put me down!
Put me
down! Put me down now!" Larry shouts. "All right, if you think it’ll
help," Balki says sadly, "You’re short, you dress funny and you walk
like a duck!" Larry thinks for a moment, then understands. "Oh!
Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no. Set me down." "Okay," Balki
agrees, and he and Jennifer set Larry down again.
Larry picks up his cards which are face
down on the table and turns them over. "Pair of eights," he announces.
"Pair of jacks," 
Gorpley smiles, "You lose again, Appleton."
Gorpley rakes in the pot and Larry looks like he’s at the end of his rope.
"All right, Gorpley," Larry says, "What d’ya say? One more hand
for the whole ball of wax." "No, Cousin!" Balki cries, "You
can’t bet my ball of wax! I’ve been collecting it for years!"
"Okay," Gorpley agrees, "I’ll play one more hand with ya.
But
what are you gonna bet with?" "I’ll bet next week’s paycheck
against everything we lost tonight plus the hundred Balki lost," Larry
says. "Ooh, you are a serious card player!" Gorpley says, pushing his
winnings back to the middle of the table. "Cousin, Cousin, it’s your
paycheck!" Balki says worriedly. Gorpley deals out the cards. "Don’t
worry, Balki," Larry says, picking up his cards, "I’m not gonna
lose." Larry looks at his cards, then tells Gorpley, "I’ll take
three." Gorpley gives Larry three new cards and takes back the three Larry
gives up, then looks at his own cards. "And I’ll take . . . one,"
Gorpley smirks.
"I tell you what," Larry says,
"Let’s, uh . . . sweeten the pot." He digs into his pocket and pulls
out his car keys. "I’ll raise you . . . 
my car."
Larry throws his
keys into the pot. Gorpley eyes Walt and Andre with amazement. "No, Cousin,
don’t do that!" Balki cries, trying to take Larry’s keys back, but
Larry throws them out again. "Balki!" "Cousin, you don’t have a
pair of anything!" Balki cries. "Balki!" Larry says in shock.
"Gee, I got a feelin’ you’re bluffin’," Gorpley laughs, then
fishes into his own pocket, "You wanna bet cars?" He throws his car
keys into the pot and says, "I call." "What d’ya got?"
Larry asks worriedly. Gorpley shows his hand. "Full house . . . kings and
aces." Gorpley laughs in triumph. "Uh, you can just leave your car
here and take the bus home. It’ll be a nice lesson in humility."
Gorpley
reaches for the pot, but Larry shoots out a hand and grabs Gorpley’s arm.
"Whoa, not so quick, Slick," Larry warns, "When I sat down you
thought you had a pigeon you could take to the cleaners." "Cousin, cut
through the metaphors!" Balki cries, "I don’t know what you’re
talking about and I’m dying to know if we’ve won or lost!"
"He thought I didn’t know how to
play and that he could take everything I had," Larry explains. "Oh," Balki sighs.
Larry turns 
back to
Gorpley. "Then when you
overheard Jennifer say that I was out of control, you thought it was
Christmas." "Cousin!" "He thought he could take all our
money," Larry explains to Balki, "Well, it was all a trap and you
walked right into it." "The blonde was in on it?" Walt cries.
"I have a name," Jennifer points out. "Do you have a phone
number?" Walt asks her. "Walt, shut up," Gorpley sneers.
"Balki’s
right," Larry continues, "I don’t have a pair of anything. I got a
straight flush." Larry lays his cards out on the table to show everyone.
"You lose, Gorpley!" Larry smiles. Balki cries with happiness and hugs
Jennifer and Larry. Larry pulls the pot in and stands, picking out the car keys.
"I can’t believe I lost my car," Gorpley says in shock. "Well,
I don’t want your car," Larry explains, "I just came to win back
what Balki lost." Larry tosses a set of keys to Gorpley. "Nice
gesture, Cousin," Balki says, "but those are your car
keys."
Back at their apartment, Balki is sitting
on the couch and Larry walks over to sit down next to him. "Cousin, you
mean to tell me that Jennifer knew that you were pretending to be out of control
the whole time?" Balki asks. "Yes, she did," Larry admits.
"Cousin, why you didn’t tell me what you were going to do?" Balki
asks, "I was really worried. I spent the whole evening on an emotional
roller derby." "I’m sorry, Balki, but I had no choice," Larry
explains, "I knew you couldn’t keep my secret. You’re just not a
devious person." "Well, I’m sorry. We all have our
shortcomings," Balki sighs. "No, no, Balki. That’s a good thing in
life," Larry assures him, "Oh, uh . . . here’s your hundred
dollars." Larry fishes in his pocket and hands Balki the money.
"Thanks, Cousin," Balki says,
"Thank you for winning my money back."
"I think you would have
done the same for me," Larry smiles. "You know I would," Balki
confirms, "You know, Cousin, this has 
been quite a week.
Mr. Gorpley fooled
me. You fooled me. Jennifer fooled me. I’m beginning to think . . . I’m . .
. easily fooled." "You?" Larry asks, "You? No, Balki, you
are not easily fooled," Larry assures him. "Really?" Balki
smiles, "Well, thank you. That’s a load off my mind." "Oh!
What’s
that?" Larry asks, pointing to a spot on Balki’s shirt below his chin.
Balki looks down and Larry touches the tip of Balki’s nose with his
finger as a joke. Balki looks at Larry and asks, "What’s what?"
"What’s that?" Larry tries again, pointing at Balki’s shirt and
again touching Balki’s nose when he looks down. "What’s what?"
Balki asks again in confusion. "What’s that?" Larry asks, pointing
and touching Balki’s nose again. Balki just doesn’t get it. Larry tries one
last time but Balki keeps trying to find what’s wrong with his shirt, and
finally Larry just gives up.
Script Variations:
There are some huge differences between the
first draft script dated March 16, 1989 and the final
episode:
- The
episode begins in the apartment. Balki is in the kitchen making a bowl of
cereal as Larry enters from his bedroom. They are dressed for work.
Larry comments, "You got in awfully late last night. Gorpley must
have had a ton of work for you." "Oh, I wasn't working
late," Balki explains, "I was learning the Great American
pastime." "But, you already know how to play baseball,"
Larry says, confused. "Oh, not that Great American pastime. The
other one. Poker." "You played poker?" Larry asks
worriedly. "I know what you're thinking but rest assured it doesn't
involve any poking at all," Balki says, "Mr. Gorpley pointed that out
right away." "Wait a minute, you played poker with Gorpley?"
Larry asks with surprise. "Yes," Balki answers, "One of the
players in Mr. Gorpley's regular game was sick, and Mr. Gorpley graciously
allowed me to 'sit in.' That's a poker term. Although, it was used
in the sixties in a totally different context." "So after you
'sat in,' what happened?" Larry asks. "Well, I told Mr. Gorpley
that I had never played poker before, so he offered to sit next to me and teach
me everything I needed to know," Balki answers. "Did this
'teaching' happen to include looking at your cards?" "Well of
course it did. Don't be ridiculous. How else would Mr. Gorpley know
if I should increase my bet or 'drop out?' Another term poker shares with
the sixties." "Balki, how much money did you lose?" Larry
asks. "A hundred dollars," Balki answers, "How'd you know I
lost money?" "You lost a hundred dollars?" "But
Cousin, it was a learning experience. And Mr. Gorpley said, 'There's no
free lunch.' Although he did serve some chips and a very interesting dip
that was dark on top but became progressively lighter as you dug down . . .
" "Balki. You were 'taken,'" Larry explains,
"You were 'set up.' You were a 'pigeon.' Several timeless
expressions, all meaning you were cheated." "Mr. Gorpley
wouldn't do that to me," Balki argues, "We're card-playing buddies and
I don't want you talking about him that way." Larry decides to change
his tact. "Maybe you're right. He probably just forgot it's
traditional that your first poker lesson is free. I'll just go down to the
paper and remind him in no uncertain terms." They head for the
door. "That would be great, Cousin," Balki says. Then he
makes the male bondage comment.
- The next scene takes place at the
newspaper, where Larry is talking to Harriette. "Now let me get this
straight, baby," Harriette says, "You're saying that Gorpley took
Balki for a hundred dollars. And you're going to ask him to give it
back." "Right," Larry answers. "Are you going to
do this with a baseball bat in your hand?" Harriette asks. "I'm
going to reason with him," Larry says, "Maybe he'll realize it's the
right thing to do." "And maybe pigs will fly," Harriette
comments, and walks into the elevator. Balki enters from the loading
dock. "Cousin, I've been talking to poker players all over the
building and nobody ever heard of this 'first lesson free' tradition. Most
of them seem to think I got off pretty cheap." Larry gets angry and
says, "Well, you didn't. The man took your money. He cheated
you and I'm not going to let him get away with it." "I may be
way off base here, Cousin," Balki says, "but I think if you talk to
Mr. Gorpley that way, I could be out a hundred dollars and a job. And I'll
never be able to afford lesson number two." "You're right,"
Larry agrees, "I lost it there for a second. But I'm all right
now. Don't worry. I'm going to explain calmly and rationally to
Gorpley why you deserve to get your money back." Gorpley enters from
the garage. "Well, good morning, boys. Like my new shoes?
They cost me a hundred bucks." Balki is genuinely impressed and says,
"Nice." "I guess what you meant to say is they cost Balki a
hundred dollars," Larry remarks. "Cousin," Balki says
worriedly. "You got a problem, Appleton?" Gorpley asks.
Larry stays calm, but is firm. "Yes, I've got a problem. Look,
we both know that Balki doesn't know anything about poker, and that he believes
anything that people tell him, and that he wants very much for you to like
him. Now the combination of these things has cost him a lot of
money. I think you'll have to agree that the decent thing to do would be
to give him back the money he lost." "Nice going, Cousin,"
Balki compliments Larry, "Very calm, very rational. This is a big
step for you." "Thank you," Larry replies. "Is
it my turn to talk now?" Gorpley asks. "Of course," Larry
answers. "He played, he lost, tough luck," Gorpley smirks and
walks into his office. Larry goes for him but Balki grabs Larry up off the
ground so Larry's legs spin in the air. "Let me at him," Larry
snarls, calling after Gorpley, "You haven't hard the last of me! This
isn't over!"
- The scene at night in the apartment
starts with a segment that includes Jennifer. Larry is pacing in the
apartment when there is a knock at the door. Larry opens it and Jennifer
enters, holding a wooden box. "Good. You brought it,"
Larry says, taking the box, "Thanks a lot, Jennifer."
"Larry, I don't like this," Jennifer says, "When you asked me to
keep this box you said you hoped you'd never have to use it again."
"I know, I know," Larry answers, "But this is the only way to get
Balki's money back from Gorpley." "But, Larry, you know what
happens to you when you play poker," Jennifer says worriedly.
"Jennifer, it's for Balki," Larry explains, "I've got to take the
chance." Jennifer gives Larry "a Miss Kitty to Matt Dillon"
look. "I understand," she says, "Be careful."
"I will," Larry promises. Jennifer gives Larry a kiss.
"Remember, no matter what happens, I'll still be here for you," she
says. She leaves. Larry knocks on Balki's door. "Balki,
could you come out here, please?" Balki comes out of his room and
follows Larry to the kitchen table. "Cousin, I've been
thinking. Since Mr. Gorpley said he really 'took me to school' last night,
perhaps my gambling loss is a tax deduction." "Balki, you don't
have to worry about that because I told Gorpley we'd play in his poker game
tomorrow night. We're going to win your money back."
"Cousin, I didn't know you could play poker," Balki comments.
"There's a lot about me you don't know, Balki," Larry begins,
"You see . . . " "Well, there's a lot about me you don't
know, too," Balki responds. "I'm sure there is," Larry
agrees, "But . . . " "I'll bet you didn't know that I can
stick out my tongue and touch the end of my nose. Watch." Balki
sticks out his tongue and touches his nose with his fingers. "Boy,
where do I come up with them?" Balki laughs. "Do you want to win
your money back? Do you?" Larry asks. "Sorry,
Cousin," Balki apologizes, "As you were saying." "I
don't just play poker," Larry continues, "I've been blessed with that
magic combination of skill and luck which, at one time, made me virtually
unbeatable." Larry takes a carousel of poker chips and decks of cards
out of the box. "In the poker world, I was known as 'Smooth Larry
Appleton.'" "Well, in the goat milking world, I was known as
'Cool Hand Balki,'" Balki counters. "Balki, what we have here is
a failure to communicate," Larry notes. (Editor's note: this is a
reference to the Paul Newman movie Cool Hand Luke).
- Larry gives Balki the rules of
poker. "Cousin, are you sure this is the same game I was playing with
Mr. Gorpley? The way he explained it the rules changed with every
hand." "I'll bet they did," Larry sighs, "Trust me,
Balki. These are the correct rules." "Gosh, if the rules
never change, this game will be a lot easier. Let's play," Balki
says. Balki sits at the table and starts playing with the chips.
"First of all we have to ante up," Larry explains. "Bad
news, Cousin. I don't have an Auntie Up. I do have an Auntie
Ursula. She'd a rather large woman with those eyebrows that sort of meet
over the bridge of her nose." "'Ante up' means to put some money
on the table so we can play the game," Larry explains. Larry picks up
a chip and puts it in the middle of the table. Balki does the same.
Larry starts to explain about having a "poker face." After Balki
points out the ketchup in the corner of his mouth, Larry clarifies, "I
mean, does my face give you any idea whether I have a good hand or
not?" "How can I tell from your face is you have good
hands?" Balki asks. Larry explains what it means to have a poker
face. "Boy, for a hundred dollars Mr. Gorpley left out a lot of
stuff," Balki notes. After Balki tries to do a poker face and Larry
guesses he has a good hand, Balki asks, "How did you know?"
"It's written all over your face," Larry answers. Balki tries to
read his own face, asking, "It's not in ink, is it?" Larry has
Balki try it again, telling him not to have any expression on his face.
Balki holds his face so tightly that nothing can move. He then puts his
cards on the table face down in three stacks of two, two and one.
"Okay, let me guess," Larry sighs, "You have two
pair." "Wwowww, Cousin, you are smooth!" Balki says in
amazement. Larry then says he doesn't want to take up Balki's whole
evening teaching him to play poker and that they should go over the plan.
(In this version, Balki doesn't make any comment about Larry having a
plan). After Larry explain the plan, Balki asks, "Well, Cousin why
don't you play for both of us right away?" "No, no, he'd get
suspicious," Larry answers, "But if he thinks I'm new he'll be happy
to let me raise the stakes. And then I could win back what you
lost." "We're playing for steaks?" Balki asks, "Boy,
this game is getting more and more complicated." "'Stakes' means
money," Larry explains. "Oh, good," Balki says,
"Because I'm trying to cut back on my consumption of red meat."
"Now, let's run over the basic rules. What does a full house
beat?" Larry asks. "It beats the pants off whatever's on
CBS!" Balki answers. (!!!!) This was to be the end of Act One.
- At the poker game, Andre's name
is Louie. When we first see the poker game in progress and Balki has a
good hand but folds anyway, he puts his cards down and says, "I
bend." "That's fold," Gorpley corrects, "How about
you, Appleton?" "How much would I have to bet?" Larry
asks. "Five dollars," Gorpley answers. "That would be
one of the blue chips?" Larry asks. "Yes," Mr. Gorpley says
impatiently, "Will you see the bet or not?" "I can bet more
than five dollars, can't I?" Larry asks. "Yes!" Mr. Gorpley
cries, losing it. "And that's called a raise?" Larry asks.
"Yes! Are you raising?" Gorpley asks. "No, I was just
asking," Larry explains, "Fascinating game, isn't it, Balki?"
"Oh, yes," Balki replies, "And quite challenging,
too." "Appleton, see the bet, raise, fold, get out of the
game. Do something, anything!" Gorpley cries. Larry shows Balki
his hand. "What do you think I should do?" "That's
hard to say, Cousin," Balki answers, then asks Gorpley, "What were his
choices again?" "Bet, raise or fold," Gorpley snarls
through clenched teeth. "Fold," Larry and Balki say
together. Gorpley rakes in his chips. "You know, you two seem
to be getting low on chips," Gorpley notes, "I'd be happy to let you
write a check." "That's very nice of you, Mr. Gorpley,"
Balki smiles. "But I have a better idea," Larry says
quickly. "You do?" Balki asks. "Yes, I do. I
didn't plan on this, but how about pooling our funds and letting one of
us play for both of us. If we raise the stakes, at least we'd have a
chance at winning our money back." "Cousin, that's a great
plan," Balki sauys, "Even though it wasn't a plan but something you
just thought of." "How about it, Gorpley?" Larry
asks. "Fine with me," Gorpley agrees, "Who's going to
play? Tweedledum or Tweedledumber?" Gorpley, Walt and Louie
laugh. "Since it's my turn to deal anyway, why don't I play?"
Larry suggests, then does an elaborate shuffle and adds, "Now what do you
say we play some real poker?"
- Two hours later all the players are
still there. Only Gorpley and Larry are playing. Balki is standing
behind Larry and massaging his shoulders. Larry appears to be very
nervous. "It's just you and me, Appleton," Gorpley taunts,
"Let's see, the way your luck's been running, I think I'll do you a favor
and just bet three dollars." Gorpley puts his chips in the pot.
"I've just had a couple of bad hands," Larry explains, "It
happens to everybody." "Actually you've had seventeen bad
hands," Balki points out. "It doesn't matter," Larry
insists, "My luck with change. I feel it. I'll see your three
dollars and raise you five more." Larry puts his chips in.
"Hey, it's your funeral," Gorpley says, "What have you
got?" "Three jacks," Larry says, showing his hand,
"Let's see you beat that." "Read 'em and sleep," Balki
remarks to Gorpley. "Gee, all I have is two little pair,"
Gorpley sighs. "Alright!" Larry says happily, "See I told
you, Balki. This is the beginning of the end for you, Gorpley.
You're mine." Larry starts to rake in the chips but Gorpley stops
him, showing his hand. "Oh, forgive me. I forgot to mention
that I have two little pair -- of threes." "Cousin, he has four
threes," Balki realizes. "No. He can't!" Larry cries
in disbelief. "Now does that beat three jacks?" Balki
asks. "Yes, it does," Larry answers. This is when Balki
pulls Larry aside to ask him when he's supposed to start winning their money
back. Larry just says his luck's gotta change and goes back to the
table. "What were you doing, revising your strategy?" Gorpley
asks, "You can't beat me, you know. I was on to your little game
right from the beginning." To Walt and Louie, Gorpley explains,
"Appleton thought he could make me believe he was no good, so he could
raise the stakes and win back the Mypiot's money." "Wow,"
Balki says, impressed, "How did you figure that out, Mr. Gorpley?"
"Hey, I've been playing poker since I was in high school. They used
to call me 'Slick Sam Gorpley.'" Balki asks Larry,
"Question. In the rules of poker, does a 'Slick' beat a
'Smooth?'" "Balki, we can't stop now," Larry says
desperately, "We're in too deep." "It's getting late,"
Walt announces, "Bubbles said I have to be home by two. I'm going to
hit the road. Come on, Lou." Walt and Louie exit.
"You're going to miss the fun of seeing me clean Appleton out!"
Gorpley calls after them, then says to Larry, "Unless, of course, you'd
like to quit, too." "Maybe you should, Cousin," Balki
suggests. "I'm not quitting until I win back your money," Larry
says, then tells Gorpley to deal.
- This is when Jennifer runs in and
tries to talk to Larry, then talks to Balki and asks how Larry is doing.
"Well, I hate to criticize, but if you ask me, he's going down in flames
and he's got a bad attitude about it," Balki answers. Jennifer then
explains how Larry has a gambling problem but said he had to do it for Balki.
"We've got to get him out of here before he bets the big one," Balki
says worriedly. "You lose again," Gorpley tells Larry,
"Looks like you're busted." "Well, I guess that means we
can go now," Balki says, "Come on, Cousin." Balki tries to
get Larry to stand up but he won't move. Then Balki and Jennifer try to
pick Larry up. Larry suggests one more hand for the whole ball of wax, to
which Balki cries, "Cousin, you can't bet my ball of wax. I've been
collecting it for years. Next you'll be betting my string
collection." Larry tells Balki to put him down and Balki says,
"Okay, Cousin. If it will help. That's the ugliest shirt I've
ever seen." "No, I mean set me down," Larry explains.
They set him down. "I'm a grown man," Larry states, "If I
want to play poker, I'll play poker. Now deal, 'Slick.'"
Gorpley deals, saying, "That's the spirit, Appleton. Don't let them
tell you what to do." "All right, I'll bet my car against
everything we lost tonight plus the hundred Balki lost," Larry says.
"Oh. You are a serious poker player," Gorpley smiles, pushing a
huge stack of chips on the table. "But, Cousin, you love that
car," Balki points out. "I'm not going to lose," Larry
assures them, then looks at his hand and says, "I'll take
three." Gorpley deals three cards. Larry puts them in his
hand. He looks worried. "Does he have a chance?" Jennifer
asks Balki. "It doesn't look good," Balki says, looking at
Larry's hand, "He doesn't have a pair of anything." "Balki,
be quiet," Larry scolds. "Well, I might as well just play
these," Gorpley smiles. "What do you have?" Larry
asks. "I've got a pair of aces," Gorpley explains, "You
want to bring the title to your car in tomorrow? Sorry I can't give you a
ride home." Larry stops Gorpley. "Not so fast, Gorpley,"
Larry warns. "Too bad, Cousin," Balki sighs, "You've just
got all those red cards." Larry shows his hand. "Balki,
this is called a straight flush." "Well, that's a good name for
it since everything we've got is going down the toilet," Balki sighs.
"A straight flush is a good thing," Larry explains, "I
win." Larry rakes in all the chips. "Boy, talk about dumb
luck," Gorpley smirks. "It wasn't just luck," Larry assures
him, "The hard part was letting you win all those other hands. Come
on, Balki, Jennifer." They exit.
- In the apartment a short time later,
Balki, Larry and Jennifer are talking. "You mean all along you were
pretending to be out of control?" Balki asks. "Yes, it was all a
set up," Larry explains, "I know Gorpley was expecting a trick.
That's why I let him think he was on to me. But, the real plan was to let
Jennifer come in and make everyone think I was out of control so Gorpley would
think I was an easy victim." "Wow, a 'Smooth' does beat a
'Slick!'" Balki states. "I'd better be going," Jennifer
says, "Mary Anne probably realizes by now that I didn't really go out for
hairspray at two in the morning." "Thanks for your help,
Jennifer," Larry smiles. Jennifer exits. Balki then asks why
Larry didn't let him in on the plan and Larry tells Balki he's just not a
devious person and assures him it's a good thing. Balki thanks Larry for
winning his money back. "I kind of enjoyed that," Larry
admits. "Cousin, is there anything else you're hiding about your
past?" Balki asks. "You mean any other skeletons in my
closet?" Larry asks. Balki is shocked, saying, "You have
skeletons in your closet? I don't want to hear about this."
Balki backs away from Larry as the scene fades out and the show ends.
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