Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 69 - Just a Gigolo
First Air Date: March 31, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard
Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Charles Frank: Jack Colby
F.J. O’Neil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Robina Suwol: The Maid
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
Balki-isms:
"Did he tell you two of his ex-wives
are paying him abalone?"
"Aunt Desi’s late and very dead
husband was also a very successful shipping maggot."
"Cousin, this chocolate mouse is to
die for!"
"Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet."
"Just one minute, you Jello
mold!"
"You Goldfinger!"
"You old-timer!"
"Just who do you think you are? Some
kind of Don Juan Johnson?"
"Well, I got a hot flash dance for
you."
"And I mean maybe!"
"By the end of the evening you had
her laughing out of the palm of your hand."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"So tell me something I don’t
know."
"Stop it!"
"Oh God!"
"Where do I come up with them?"
"I don’t think so!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has a plan
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki looks into Larry’s mouth as Larry
explains how to pronounce something
Larry and Balki do their synchronized
success grab (referred to in the script as "the macho bit")
Jennifer walks in to find Larry and Balki
in an unusual position
Songs: "The Banana Boat Song" (Day-o!) - sung by Miss Lydia after she returns from Jamaica with Jack
Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode was derived from a classic late 20's / early
30's song by the same name. Originally with lyrics referring to Austria,
the song was adapted by Irving Caesar and set in Paris. The American
version tells the story of a World War I veteran who wears his uniform and
medals but had lost his identity, now reduced to asking women in a cafe for to
hire him for his company. A popular version was sung by Bing Crosby in the
early 30's, but the most famous version was done by Louis Prima, who combined
the song with another popular number, I Ain't Got Nobody, in 1956.
This version was repopularized in the 1980's by Van Halen front man David Lee
Roth.
- When Larry remarks that Lydia "has
more trouble picking men than George Bush," he’s referring of course to
George Herbert Walker Bush, who was President at the time. The comment refer to
some problems President Bush had getting his cabinet appointments approved by
Congress.
- Balki makes a reference to The Love
Connection, which was a very popular syndicated game show hosted by Chuck
Woolery in the 80's and 90's that tried to find the best matches between singles
who came on the show.
-
Balki comments that when he tried dressing as a woman he and Larry both
agreed he looked a little too much like Sophia Loren, the Italian sex-symbol and
Academy Award winning actress. What do you think? Can you see the
Sophia Loren in Balki?
- Balki’s comment about "over three
thousand served" is a reference to McDonald’s long-running practice of
posting "over such-and-such a number served" on the signs in front of
their stores, with the number occasionally changing to reflect the right amount.
These days the signs apparently just read "over 99 billion served" or
"billions & billions served." Didn’t they steal that from Carl
Sagan?
-
This is the second time we’ve seen
Lydia’s apartment building in the series (Balki and Larry delivered a piano to
her building in Piano Movers) but the first and only time we would
actually get to see the inside of her apartment.
- Charles Frank, who plays Jack Colby, was
a soap opera veteran, spending many years on the ABC soap All My Children.
He had recurring roles in the series Filthy Rich, Emerald Point N.A.S.,
L.A. Law and Life Goes On. He also directed episodes of Linda
Bloodworth-Thomason comedies such as Evening Shade, Hearts Afire and
Designing Women.
-
Interestingly enough, Robina Suwol,
whose small part as the maid was cut from this episode, would later appear
on both Designing Women and Hearts Afire. These days, Robina
spearheads an organization called California Safe Schools which works to prevent
the use of toxic pesticides on school grounds.
- The background characters we’ve seen
in several recent episodes all make appearances in this one as well. First, the
one man who was known as Bill in Blind Alley exits the elevator at the
beginning. Then all of the characters appear at 
Lydia’s party.
The man with
the mustache (who was named Paul in Blind Alley) is with a woman
companion, and at one point Bill and the woman usually seen working in the
archives behind Balki and Larry are dancing together.
- Also at the party is Mr. Wainwright. He
even has a credit at the end of the show. It seems strange he would be at the
party but didn’t interact with Larry dressed as a woman, right? Well, read the
script variations below to find out what was left on the cutting room floor!
- It's interesting to note that for two episodes in
a row, this one and Seven Card Studs, Larry came up with plans that
actually worked!
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- Larry can be seen going into the foyer
to supposedly look for their coats (see the script variations below). He even
starts to grab for a woman’s black coat to take it off the hanger. But when
Larry and Balki get home they don’t have any coats, although Balki is carrying
a black fur cap which we never get to see him wear (how cute would that have
been with the outfit he has on?).
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle. Larry is at his desk, looking through some papers.
The
elevator doors open and several people walk out. Harriette walks up to Larry and
asks, "Hi, baby. Have you seen Lydia?" "Yeah, she just wandered
into the archives," Larry reports. "I hate to see her wandering around
in the condition she’s in," Harriette sighs. "I heard," Larry
says, "Frank dumped her?" "Frank?" Harriette asks with
surprise, "That was last week. Norman dumped her this morning."
"Boy, she has more trouble picking men than George Bush," Larry
comments. Lydia exits the archives, looking forlorn. She wanders toward Larry’s
desk. "Uh, Lydia," Larry says, "I heard about Frank . . . and
Norman. I know it’s been a rough week for you. Are you okay?"
"Oh, I’m fine!" Lydia laughs,
"I don’t know why everybody’s so upset about this. Men are like buses .
. . if you miss one there’ll be another one around in a minute." Lydia
walks to the elevator nonchalantly. "Three, two, one," Harriette
counts down. Lydia reaches the back of the elevator and bursts loudly into
tears. "I’ve been through this with her before," Harriette explains,
and she walks into the elevator and closes the door. Balki enters from the
parking garage, announcing, "Cousin, I did it! I figured out a way to make
Miss Lydia feel better." "Did you get her flowers?" Larry asks
nicely. "That’s cute," Balki says sarcastically, "Cousin,
flowers are nice but they don’t keep you warm at night. I got her a man."
Balki walks to his table in a suave manner. "Whoa, wait a minute!
Wait a
minute! No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no," Larry says, following
Balki to his table, "Balki, finding Lydia a man is none of your
business." "Well, technically that’s true," Balki agrees,
"Matchmaking is actually my Mama’s business. But, I used to do her
books."
"Your Mama was a matchmaker?"
Larry asks with surprise. "Still is," Balki answers, "For six
generations Mypos has depended on the Bartokomous family for matchmaking. In
fact, our house was fondly referred to as the ‘love connection.’"
"W . . . well, who is this guy?" Larry asks, "It’s not somebody
you just met on the street, is it?" "Well, of course not! Don’t be
ridiculous!" Balki scoffs, "I met him across the street in the diner.
His name is Jack Colby and he’s coming over later this afternoon, just to
meet, just to talk, just to have a look see." The elevator door opens and
Lydia steps out, saying, "Thanks, Harriette, I’m all right now."
She heads for the parking garage, calling, "Bye, boys! Have a nice
weekend!" "Wait a minute!" Balki calls, running to her,
"Lydia! Lydia, you can’t leave now! I have found the perfect man for you.
Eh . . . his name is Jack and, uh, he’s tall, he’s good-looking, and get
this . . . he don’t spit when he talks."
"Lydia, I’m afraid Balki has been
playing matchmaker for you," Larry explains, "I tried to tell him it
was a mistake." "Oh, Balki," 
Lydia smiles, "Well, I
appreciate what you’re doing but, you know, I’ve been thinking . . . I’m
doing okay. I’ve got friends, a nationally syndicated column, I have a little
money . . . okay, I’ve got a ton of money. The last thing I need in my life is
a man." At this moment, an attractive, silver-haired and well-dressed
gentleman enters from the parking garage. "Balki!" he says.
"Jack!" Balki greets him, shaking his hand. "Hi! How are
you?" Jack asks. "Good," Balki says, "Good, good.
Now, now,
Jack . . . uh, this is the Lydia that I told you about. And Lydia, this is the
Jack that I told you about." Lydia is immediately impressed. Balki pushes
them closer together and steps aside. "You’re Lydia?" Jack asks.
Lydia nods. "You’re not at all what I expected," he says, "You
see, I read your column every single day and the advice you give your readers is
so wise, so obviously born from experience . . . that I didn’t expect someone
quite so young." Lydia melts at this. "You didn’t?" she asks
coyly.
"Listen, Jack, I’m sorry if Balki’s
caused you any inconvenience," Larry interjects, "but Lydia’s
decided . . . " "Shut up, Larry," Lydia says sharply, turning
back to Jack and asking, "So, you read my column?" "Yes, every
day," Jack answers, "Now I hope this doesn’t sound forward but . . .
would you have dinner with me later?" "Oh, well . . . well, why
wait?" Lydia asks, "I haven’t eaten anything all day due to a minor
trauma in my life. I’m starved!" She turns to Larry and Balki briefly and
says, "Bye, boys!" She leads Jack to the parking garage, asking,
"Now, uh, Jack, I want to know everything about you . . . " Balki
sighs and walks beside Larry’s desk proudly, saying, "Well, another
Bartokomous match. Over three thousand served. This may be worth a photograph in
Mama’s brochure."
"That was amazing," Larry
admits, "Balki, you are quite a matchmaker!" "So tell me
something I don’t know," Balki brags. Mr. Gorpley enters from the parking
garage. "Was that Jack Colby with Lydia in the parking lot?" he asks.
"Mr. Gorpley, you know Mr. Colby?" Balki asks. "Only by
reputation," Gorpley answers. "What is his reputation?"
Larry asks. "Well, the guy dresses for success but he’s never worked a
day in his life," Gorpley explains, "He charms women into giving him
cash, clothes and cars and then he kisses them goodbye. He’s been married four
times and he’s got two . . . count ‘em two . . . ex-wives paying him
alimony!" "The man’s a gigolo!" Larry gasps. "Yeah!
He’s
my hero!" Gorpley smiles, and continues to his office. "Oh, Cousin, I’ve
dropped Miss Lydia in some deep babasticki," Balki says worriedly.
The next scene takes place in the
Chronicle basement after the weekend. Balki is on the phone at Larry’s desk
but he hangs it up 
suddenly. "Still no answer?" Larry asks.
"No,
Cousin, I can’t believe Miss Lydia’s been gone all weekend!" Balki
says, "This is all my fault. I never should have practiced matchmaking with
only a learner’s permit." Balki grabs Larry and starts shaking him in
earnest. "Cousin, what if Jack has already tricked her and broken her
heart? What if he’s already tricked her and taken all her money?"
"All right, Balki!" Larry cries, shaking him back, "Balki! Stop
it! Stop it! That’s enough! Now, relax. Deep breaths!"
Larry motions for
Balki to take a deep breath, which he does. Larry motions again, Balki breathes
deeply again. On the third breath, Balki starts to pass out and Larry catches
him, propping him up. "All right. Listen, listen!" Larry urges,
"Lydia’s not stupid. I bet she went out with this guy and realized right
away he was only after her money. She’ll probably come through that door a
sadder but wiser woman."
Lydia enters from the parking garage,
wearing a brightly-colored outfit and a sun hat. "Day-o!" she sings,
"Day-o! Daylight come 
and me wanna go home!" Balki walks up to her.
"Miss Lydia, we’ve been calling you all weekend. Where have you
been?" "Jamaica," Lydia giggles, "With Jack!"
"Jamaica?" Larry asks, "I thought you were just going out to
dinner." "Well, we were," Lydia says, "but after we left
here Friday we realized we were muy simpatico. Oh, Balki, I just don’t
know how to thank you!" "Well, you may wanna hold off on that,"
Balki warns. Lydia walks past them but Larry stops her. "Uh, Lydia, listen
. . . I know this is gonna hurt but there are a few things you should know about
Jack. Number one . . . . " "He’s been married four times,"
Lydia interrupts. "You know about that?" Larry asks. "Oh, of
course I do! He told me everything," Lydia assures them. "He
did?" Larry asks with surprise. "Did he tell you that two of his
ex-wives are paying him abalone?" Balki asks. "That is alimony,"
Lydia corrects, "And he feels terrible about it!"
"Um, Miss Lydia," Balki says
with concern, "now . . . as your friends we just want to encourage you to
find out what kind of person Jack is before you get too serious about him."
"Oh!" Lydia laughs, "We are way beyond serious! We’re
getting married Saturday!" "Married?" Larry asks in shock.
"Saturday?" Balki asks, also in shock. "Oh, I knew you’d be
thrilled," Lydia smiles, "We’re having an engagement party tonight.
Eight o’clock. Don’t be late. Oh, Balki, thanks again! I never would have
met Jack without you!" "Oh God!" Balki gasps. Lydia dances up the
stairs, singing the "Banana Boat Song" again. "Cousin, I have
ruined Miss Lydia’s life," Balki says seriously, "Jack is going to
take her money and break her heart and it’s all my fault. According to the
matchmaker’s code I must now forever deny myself smoked meat." Balki
buries his face in his hand in anguish.
Larry eyes Balki in disbelief. "Well,
wait a minute, Balki," he finally says, "Don’t do anything drastic.
We’ll think of something." "What, Cousin?" Balki asks,
"She won’t listen to reason." "I know," Larry says,
"So we’ll have to show her that Jack will go after any woman with
money." Larry and Balki both strike a thoughtful pose as the scene fades.
Later that night, at Lydia’s apartment, the engagement party is in full swing.
Balki stands inside the living room, looking back at the foyer, and asks,
"Cousin, aren’t you coming?" Larry enters, dressed completely in
drag, from the curly blonde wig and make-up to the press-on fingernails and high
heels. He and Balki exchange a look and the scene fades to black.
Act two begins where act one left off.
We
see Lydia dancing with Jack in the midst of the party. Larry has just entered
dressed 
as a woman. "Cousin, usually your plans are a bust but . . .
tonight your bust is the plan!" Balki laughs at his own joke,
throwing his hands up and exclaiming, "Where do I come up with them?"
"This wasn’t my plan," Larry argues, "My plan was for you
to be the woman." "Well, Cousin, we have to convince Lydia that Jack
is only after her money, not her body," Balki reminds him, "And I
think we both agreed that I looked a little bit too much like Sophia
Loren." "Come on, let’s go," Larry motions. He takes a couple
of steps forward and stumbles on one of the high heels, almost falling. Balki
helps catch him. "I told you to wear flats!" Balki scolds.
"Flats
with a dress like this?" Larry scoffs, "I don’t think so! Now come
on. Dance me over to Jack." "Is that when you’re gonna put the moves
on him?" Balki asks, moving his hips. "No, I’m not gonna put the
moves on him," Larry says, "I’m just going to drop subtle hints
about how incredibly rich and lonely I am. Now come on, let’s dance."
"Now wait a minute," Balki says,
"I’m the man. Shouldn’t I ask you to dance?" "Fine," Larry says, trying to stay calm.
"May I have this
dance?" Balki asks in a flirtatious manner. "Charmed, I’m
sure," Larry says flatly. Balki begins to dance with Larry, putting his
cheek next to his, and they make their way over to Lydia and Jack. Lydia sees
them and smiles, "Oh hi, Balki. Who’s your date?" "This is
Cousin Larry’s aunt," Balki explains, sounding as if he has been
rehearsed on what to say, "Cousin Larry isn’t feeling well and Cousin
Larry’s aunt was visiting so I ask Cousin Larry’s aunt to come." "I’m Lydia Markham and this is my fiancé, Jack Colby," Lydia
smiles. "Desiree Appleton," Larry introduces himself in a womanly
manner, shaking hands with Jack. "How do you do?" Jack asks.
"How
do you do?" Larry asks, shaking hands with Lydia, "So nice to meet
you." "Nice to meet you," Lydia replies. "You can call her
Desi," Balki offers.
"So, Desi, what brings you to
Chicago?" Lydia asks. "Oh, well, I’m taking a trip around the world
to inspect my late husband’s 
hotels and casinos," Larry explains. He and
Balki eye Jack closely to see if there is any reaction on his part. Seeing
nothing, Balki tries, "Aunt Desi’s late and very dead husband
was also a very successful shipping maggot." Lydia and Jack look confused.
"Excuse me?" Jack asks. "Magnate," Larry corrects,
"Shipping magnate. Mag-nate." He directs the last "magnate"
to Balki, who looks into Larry’s mouth as he pronounces it for him. "Fascinating," Jack smiles, then says to Lydia, "Uh, Sweetheart,
we mustn’t ignore our other guests, so excuse me." Jack walks away,
leading Lydia. "Well, certainly," Larry smiles, "Bye, bye."
"Bye," Lydia offers as they move away. "Cousin, you’re dyin’
over here," Balki notes, "I think you got to dump the Bea Arthur look
and . . . maybe show a little thigh." "Forget it," Larry says,
"I only shaved to the knee." Balki leans down to look but Larry
motions for him to stop.
Later on, Larry is sitting alone at a
table. Harriette approaches and sits down next to him. "Nice party,
huh?" she asks. "Yes, it’s 
delightful!" Larry says in his
womanly voice. Harriette eyes him suspiciously, then asks in disbelief,
"Larry?" "Harriette, I can explain this," Larry begins.
"Hey! I don’t know what you’re doin’ . . . and I don’t wanna
know!" Harriette states, getting up and leaving the table immediately,
hurrying to the other side of the room. Balki approaches with a glass of water and
plate of food from one of the buffet tables. "Cousin, this chocolate mouse
is to die for!" he says, "You’ve got to try it!" "I can’t,
Balki," Larry says, "Not if I want to stay a size ten." Jack crosses
over to them. "Well, hello again!" he greets them. "Oh
Jack!" Larry says in Desiree’s voice, then to Balki, "Oh look, it’s
Jack." "So, uh, Desiree, how long are you in town for?" Jack
asks. "A month," Balki answers just as Larry says, "A week."
"A week and a month," Larry quickly covers, "Five weeks
altogether. Then I’m off to the Far East. China, Japan, Tibet . . . "
"Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet," Balki agrees, "She must go to Vegas
five, six times a year. In fact, she loves Vegas so much she’s thinking of
buying it!" "Balki," Larry tries to stop him. "But, before
she does that she’s got to think about selling Atlantic City," Balki
continues, "You know there was this one time where we were talking about .
. . "
Larry pinches Balki’s ear hard, making
him stop. "Would you get me a glass of water?" Larry asks sweetly.
"Well, sure, you can 
have mine, I haven’t touched it," Balki offers,
handing Larry his glass of water and continuing, "Where was I? Oh, there
was an interesting moment once when she . . . . " Larry pinches Balki’s
ear again. "Would you get me a glass of water . . . from a well?"
Larry says seriously. Balki thinks about this, then sees the look in Larry’s
eyes and takes the hint. "Oh! Right, right. Aunt Desi loves her well water
. . . and well she should!" Balki laughs at his own joke and walks away
from them, throwing his hands up in the air. Larry fakes a laugh as Desiree and
says, "Where does he come up with them?" Larry then motions to the
buffet table nearest them and asks, "Hors d’ouvres?" "Well, yes,
of course, thank you," Jack says, following Desiree to the table. "You’ll
have to forgive Balki," Larry says, taking a plate, "Well, he’s a
dear really but, uh . . . he’s a little awkward around me. Probably because I’m
so unbelievably wealthy."
"Well, you’re very fortunate that
your husband left you so well taken care of," Jack says, placing some food
on Desiree’s plate. "I 
suppose so," Larry sighs, "But I think
Lydia’s the fortunate one . . . she has you." "Well, thank
you," Jack says shyly. "Well, I didn’t mean to embarrass
you," Larry flirts, "It’s just that, you know, I’ve always thought
if I found the right person my life would be perfect. Someone to whisper sweet
nothings in my ear . . . to exchange a knowing glance with." He gives Jack
a fleeting look. "Someone to walk hand in hand through the many shopping
center and retail outlets I own." Larry moves his eyes slowly up to look at
Jack’s face, then he bats his eyelashes. "I hope you find what you’re
looking for," Jack offers politely, "Excuse me." He steps away.
Larry throws his napkin down on his plate then sets the plate on the table in
disgust. "What's a woman gotta do?" he sighs to himself.
Moments later, Larry walks into the foyer
and starts looking through a rack for his (or rather Desiree’s) coat. Jack
Colby 
suddenly approaches from behind, clutching her in a hug and crying,
"Desiree!" "Oh! Oh, Jack!" Larry gasps in surprise.
"Desiree, I can’t stand it any longer! I can’t resist you!" Jack
pants. "Oh, Jack, what on earth are you talking about?" Larry asks
nervously. "I’m talking about us!" Jack says passionately,
"When you walked through that door I felt something. And just hearing you
talk about whispering sweet nothings, knowing glances and taking long walks I
realized that you were whispering to me, and glancing at me, and walking with
me!" Jack starts blowing into Larry’s ear and kisses him on the neck.
"Sweetheart!" he gasps. "Oh, Jack!" Larry says. "Yes?" Jack asks.
"You can’t imagine how much I was hoping you’d
say that!" Larry admits. Jack turns Larry to face him. "Sweetheart,
let’s run away tonight and get married!" He moves to kiss Larry but Larry
puts his hand over Jack’s mouth to stop him. "No! No! No, no," Larry
insists, "Well, what about Lydia?" "Who?" Jack asks.
"Lydia," Larry repeats. "Oh, her? Forget her," Jack says
without a care, "She’s a child. You’re a woman!"
He moves in to kiss Larry again and Larry
again puts his hand up over his mouth. "No! No!" Larry insists,
"No! First, you have to 
tell Lydia. We can’t begin our life together
until I’m sure it’s over between you two." "I’ll phone her from
Vegas," Jack promises, moving to kiss Larry again. "No, no, no!"
Larry stops him, pinching his mouth hard within his fingers, "You have to
tell her now!" "Of course," Jack finally agrees through
his pinched mouth. Larry lets him go. He smiles at Larry and then moves to the
room of the party. Larry lets out a sigh of relief, straightens his dress, pats
his wig and follows. Balki is waiting just outside the foyer and sticks his head
into a potted plant to hide from Jack. Larry walks out, fanning himself with his
hand, and is startled when Balki suddenly pops his head out of the plant and
says, "Cousin?" "It’s working!" Larry reports.
He and
Balki high five one another and do their synchronized success grab. "Cousin, that’s great!" Balki says.
"Jack took the bait,"
Larry reports. "Oh! Now reel him in and hit him with an oar!" Balki
says enthusiastically. Larry look at him strangely until Balki explains,
"That’s how we fish on Mypos."
Lydia spots Jack from across the room and
stands up, calling, "Oh, Jack! There you are!" She meets him in the
middle of the 
room. "Um, attention everyone! Jack and I have an
announcement to make. Tell them, Jack." Larry steps beside Jack and taps
him on the shoulder, saying, "Jack . . . be gentle." "I
will," he promises, and turns back to Lydia and says, "Lydia, you’re
history. I’m marrying somebody else." Lydia reacts with shock then
disgust. "What is this?" he asks, "Dump Lydia Month?"
"Yes, I thought that I loved you but then I met Desiree and I discovered
what real love is," Jack explains. "Desiree?" Lydia asks in
disbelief, "This Desiree?" "Hey, stuff happens!" Jack
says coldly. "You’re leaving me for a woman you just met?" Lydia
asks. "No, Miss Lydia," Balki suddenly announces, "He’s leaving
you for a MAN he just met!" Balki pulls Larry’s wig off. Everyone reacts
with shock. "No problem," Jack says, "We’ll find the best
psychiatrist that money can buy." "I have no money," Larry
informs Jack. "No money?" Jack asks. Larry shakes his head no.
"Lydia, the wedding’s back on!" Jack announces, "Let’s make
our announcement!"
"Just one minute, you Jello
mold!" Balki attacks Jack. "Gigolo," Larry corrects. "You
Goldfinger!" Balki continues. "Gold digger," Larry corrects.
"You
old-timer!" "Two-timer," Larry corrects. "You wanna do
this?" Balki asks Larry. "No, no, no, you go ahead," Larry
encourages, "You’re doing fine. Go ahead." "Just who do you
think you are?" Balki continues, "Some kind of 
Don Juan Johnson?
Well,
I have a hot flash dance for you. Miss Lydia’s been dumped by better men than
you . . . and that was just this week! She is a wonderful person and a snappy
little dresser and you are not worthy to spit on the ground she walks on. So hit
the road, Jack! And I mean maybe!" Jack turns to Lydia and asks, "Do
you want me to go?" "Not just yet," she answers. Jack looks smugly
at Balki and doesn’t notice that Lydia turns around and takes a cream pastry from the man behind her.
When Jack turns back he smashes the tart into his face. "Now you can go," she announces.
Everyone in the room applauds as Jack
leaves in humiliation. Balki pats Miss Lydia on the back as she wipes her hands
on a napkin. "Miss Lydia, are you all right?" "Oh, I’m
fine!" Lydia giggles, "No big deal. Men are like freeway exits.
If you
miss one, there’s another one down the road. Oh, please, everyone!
Don’t let
this spoil the party! Eat! Drink! Be merry!" Everyone goes back to the
party as Lydia walks toward a chair. "Three, two, one," Larry and
Balki count down. Lydia bursts into tears and they rush to comfort her.
Back at the apartment, Larry and Balki
stand in the living room. Larry still has on the dress and is holding the
wig in his hand. Larry is glad to get out of his high heel shoes. "What a night!"
Larry sighs. "Boy, I’ll say," Balki agrees, "Cousin, Miss Lydia’s
lucky to have a friend like you. By the end of the evening you had her laughing
out of the palm of your hand." "Well, I hope you learned your
lesson!" Larry says. "Why, Cousin I did!" Balki assures him,
"Oh, I did! Thank you, Cousin." Balki smiles and hugs Larry in thanks.
There is a knock at the door. "Come in!" Larry calls. Jennifer walks
in, saying, "Hey, Larry, I was wondering if you wanted to go get some
coffee . . . " She stops when she sees Larry in the dress and Balki hugging him.
She hesitates, not sure how to react. Finally she mutters, "I . . . I
should have called first." She turns and leaves, shutting the door behind
her.
Script Variations:
There are some
differences between the shooting script dated March 13, 1989 and the final
episode:
- In
the opening scene after Lydia walks into the elevator and cries, Harriette walks
in and says, "I guess this is not the time to say I told you
so." Lydia wails and Harriette says, "I didn't think
so." She then closes the elevator doors.
- When Balki tells Larry that his
family has been matchmakers for generations, Larry replies, "Balki, that's
really swell, but this is America and finding two people who are compatible with
each other is a lot more difficult." "Oh, really, Cousin?"
Balki asks, "You don't think it's hard matching people on an island where
half the population is already related? Believe me, you have to be very,
very careful." "I can see the danger," Larry agrees,
"But here people appreciate it if you stay out of their lives."
"Well, Cousin, I have to do something," Balki argues, "Otherwise,
I'd be violating the matchmakers' hypothetical oath." "You took
an oath?" Larry asks. "Well no, Cousin. It's just
hypothetical. But I feel bound by it."
- After Lydia leaves with Jack, Balki
says proudly, "Well, another Bartokomous match. This may be worth a
photograph in Mama's brochure. Our first overseas clients. (Seeing
the headline) 'Bartokomous House Goes International.'" After
Gorpley comes in and described Jack to them and Larry realizes he's a gigolo and
Gorpley says, "He's my hero!" and exits, Balki says, "I guess
Jack's a better catch than I thought. I had no idea he
juggled." "Not a juggler," Larry corrects, "A
gigolo. It's a person who pretends to like a woman just so he can take her
money." Balki is shocked and says, "Well, that's a bad
thing." "Yes," Larry agrees. "Cousin, I dropped
Lydia in deep babasticki. We've got to catch her and tell her about
Jack." They both then run out to the garage.
- When Miss Lydia comes in, having
been in Jamaica, and says she knows Jack is paying two of his ex-wives alimony
and that he feels terrible about it, she adds, "But he has to take the
money. His consulting business isn't doing very well. And he refuses
to fire anybody. He has a saying, 'People before profits.'"
After she tells them about the engagement party she tells them to "Dress
up."
- At the party when Balki enters the
main room the maid meets him and says, "I'll take your coat."
Then Balki steps in and sees he's alone and motions for someone to follow him,
asking, "Are you coming?" The description of Mark's entrance is
this: An expensively dressed and vaguely familiar looking woman, with almost no
upper lip at all enters. It's Larry.
- After Balki comments
that he looks a little too much like Sophia Loren, he adds, "The almond
shaped eyes, the olive skin, the sculpted calf."
- As they are dancing
toward Lydia and Jack, Mr. Wainwright approaches them and asks, "Bartokomous,
who's your friend?" "This is Cousin Larry's Aunt, Desiree
Appleton," Balki answers, then to Larry he says, "Mr. Wainwright is
Cousin Larry's boss." "How do you do?" Larry asks as
Desiree, "So nice to meet Larry's boss. I've heard so much about
you." "Well, I can see who got all the looks in the Appleton
family," Mr. Wainwright notes. Larry laughs. "Aunt Desiree
was once voted Miss Cheddar Cheese," Balki interjects. Larry slaps
Balki, then says to Wainwright, "You know, Larry admires you a great
deal. In fact, he's said he'd feel lucky if he became half the
newspaperman you are." "Well, he's got a chance if he pays his
dues, works hard and stops sucking up so much," Mr. Wainwright says.
Larry laughs and says, "I'll . . . give him the message."
"Why don't you drop by the paper this week? Perhaps we could have
lunch," Wainwright suggests. "Sound delightful," Larry
smiles. "Toodle loo!" Mr. Wainwright says. "Toodle
loo," Larry replies. Wainwright smiles and leaves. "I
think he likes you," Balki notes. "Just dance me over to
Jack," Larry says with embarrassment.
- After Lydia asks
Balki, "Who's your date?" Balki says, "This isn't my
date. This isn't my date." Then he introduces them to Desiree
and explains who she is.
- After Larry tells
them that Balki meant "Shipping magnate," he adds, "So Jack, do
you work out? You know, my late husband invented the dumbbell."
"Aunt Desi gets seven and a half cents everytime somebody does a
curl," Balki adds. This is when Jack excuses himself and Lydia.
- When Larry is
sitting alone at the table, Wainwright walks by and says, "Monday!
Lunch! Toodle loo!" "Toodle loo," Larry
replies. Then Harriette sits at the table.
- After Larry strikes
out at the buffet table and sighs, "What's a woman got to do?" Balki
walks over and asks, "Is he interested?" "Not in me,"
Larry answers. "I knew you should've worn the leather jumpsuit,"
Balki says. "And what was I supposed to do for accessories?"
Larry asks. "Good point, Cousin," Balki agrees, then, "But
how are we going to save Miss Lydia from Jack?" "I don't know,
Balki," Larry answers, "We'll have to think of something else.
All I know is he's not falling for this and these pantyhose are killing
me. You say goodbye to Lydia and I'll get our coats." Larry
exits into the foyer to get his coat.
- After Balki pulls
off Larry's wig, Mr. Wainwright gasps, "Oh my god!"
-
In the last scene when Larry says he hopes Balki has learned his lesson, Balki
says, "Oh, I have. Cousin, you were right when you said matchmaking
was easier back home. On Mypos if you found a woman without a moustache,
you could place her like . . . (he snaps his fingers)." There is a
knock at the door. "I'll get it," Larry says. He opens the
door and Jennifer steps in. "Hi, Larry," she begins, then sees
how Larry is dressed and backs to the door. "This is easy to
explain," Larry says. "It is?" Jennifer asks.
"You see, Balki and I just got back from an engagement party," Larry
says. Jennifer turns and runs out the door. "Then again, maybe
it's not so easy to explain," Balki notes. Larry starts for the door
and they freeze frame as the scene fades.
-
Interestingly enough, there's an additional bit which was filmed to air under
the end credits. It reads "Under End Credits, We See: Jennifer, Balki
and Larry sitting on the couch. Larry tries to explain to Jennifer what
happened. She doesn't buy it. Balki explains and Jennifer gets
it. Larry tries to put his arm around her and Jennifer takes his hand
away. She understands but she doesn't want to be romantic with a man in a
dress." One reason this additional scene is so interesting is because
to date Perfect Strangers had never run any additional scenes or clips under the
end credits. In fact they wouldn't begin to do this until season six, when
there were scenes, bloopers or special bits that could not be used in the
episode itself that they subsequently put under the end credits. They
would even sometimes shoot a special segment to use specifically under the end
credits, such as the Greek dance in Grandpa or the performance of Danke
Schoen with Wayne Newton in Wayne Man.
There are even more
notable differences in the first draft script dated March 8, 1989:
- There is
a completely different opening scene for the show. It starts in the
Chronicle basement. Larry is feverishly writing his article. Balki
is working at his table, sorting mail. Harriette is standing by the
elevator working a crossword puzzle. Lydia enters from upstairs.
"He called!" she says excitedly, "He's coming over."
"Who?" Larry asks. "The man I'm going to marry," Lydia
answers, "I found him. I finally found Mr. Right!"
"Oh, Miss Lydia, how exciting," Balki says, "Which one is he,
Orville or Wilbur?" "Balki, she's not talking about the Wright
Brothers," Larry explains. "Well, good, because I think they're
both a little old for her," Balki says. "She's talking about
Norman Sanders," Harriette explains, "Lydia, you just met the guy
three weeks ago." "I know," Lydia smiles, "I was
beginning to think he was never going to ask me." "Oh, Miss
Lydia, I'm so happy for you," Balki says, "So tell me, when did he
snap, crackle and pop the question?" "Oh, he hasn't yet,"
Lydia answers, "But, when the man you love says he needs to see you right
away, what else could he want to talk about?" "Last week's
episode of 'Nightingales?'" Balki asks. Norman enters from the
parking lot, looking as if he is in a big hurry. "Lydia!" he
says. "Oh Norman!" Lydia smiles. "Lydia, could I talk
to you in private for a moment?" Norman asks. "He's so
shy," Lydia says to everyone, "Norman, whatever you have to say can be
said in front of my friends. In fact, I would like them to share this
moment with me." Norman is uncomfortable, but continues,
"Okay. Lydia, I'm getting married . . . " Lydia
beams. " . . . to Bubbles," Norman continues. "Oh,
Norman, you've made me the happi . . . Bubbles? But . . . you said
Bubbles' a tramp." "She is. She's a tramp, she's a bimbo .
. . and she's waiting in the car. Listen, I gotta run. Thanks for a
great three weeks." Norman exits, leaving Lydia in shock.
Everyone stares at her for a beat. "Miss Lydia, are you okay?"
Balki finally asks. "I'm fine!" Lydia insists, "I mean,
come on, guys. Lighten up. Men are like buses. . . . "
She goes into the crying fit in the elevator like in the script and Lydia goes
in after her. "Boy, she's really upset," Larry comments.
"I hope she can pull herself together before Mr. Right gets here,"
Balki adds. Larry gives him a look.
- When the next scene
begins, Balki enters and says he's found the right match for Miss Lydia.
Later, when Miss Lydia exits the elevator, she's telling Harriette, " . . .
let's face it. Men are the potholes of life and we just have to make our
way around them." "That's one way," Harriette replies,
"I prefer driving over them with steel belted radials."
- When Balki is
telling Miss Lydia about the perfect man he's found for her, he says,
"You're going to love him, Miss Lydia. He's got a healthy head of
hair, no visible scars and all his own teeth." "Balki, I
appreciate what you're doing, but I've decided to swear off men for a while and
dedicate myself to my work," Lydia explains. "Good idea,
Lydia," Larry agrees, "Give yourself a little cooling off period, a
little recovery time." Lydia then goes on to ask why she needs a man
anyway.
- After Jack says he
reads Lydia's column and Lydia asks him about it, Balki says, "Oh, he not
only reads it. He's written to you for advice. Does 'Lonely in the
Suburbs' sound familiar?" "You're 'Lonely in the Suburbs?'"
Lydia asks. "Do you remember me?" Jack asks. "Uh . .
. almost," Lydia answers, trying to remember. "That's
okay," Jack assures her, "It's the advice that counts. You told
me to be patient because the right woman for me is sure to come
along." "Oh, she has," Lydia says, "I mean, she
will." Jack asks, "Listen, I don't mean to be forward but . . .
would you care to join me for dinner tonight?" "Well, thank you,
Jack," Balki answers, "but I've really got a lot of work to
do." "Balki, I think he's talking to Lydia," Larry points
out. "Why wait for tonight?" Lydia asks, "I haven't eaten
for three days due to a minor trauma in my life. I'm starved."
They leave. "Can I pick 'em or can I pick 'em?" Balki
asks. "Well, they certainly seemed to hit it off," Larry
notes. "Cousin, I told you. We Bartokomouses have a gift,"
Balki brags.
- After Gorpley tells
Larry and Balki about Jack Colby's reputation, Larry says, "Sounds like a
real sleaze bag." "Yeah. He's my hero," Gorpley
comments and goes to his office. "Cousin, that wasn't the kind of
recommendation I was hoping for," Balki sighs. "Balki, did you
tell Jack that Lydia was rich?" Larry asks. "I had to,
Cousin," Balki answers, "It's my duty as a matchmaker to give full,
financial disclosure to my prospective clients." "That's it,
then," Larry sighs, "Jack's after Lydia's money."
"Cousin, that's terrible," Balki says, "And it's all my
fault. What am I going to do?" "I don't know," Larry
says, "but we've got to find a way to save Lydia from that golddigger.
Come on." They grab their jackets and start to leave.
"Cousin, don't you think we should do something about Jack first?"
Balki asks.
- The next scene
starts after the weekend in the basement, with Larry, Balki and Harriette.
"We tried to find Lydia right after she left with Jack last Friday, but
they were long gone," Larry explains. "We called her all weekend
but all we got was a recording of Miss Lydia singing, 'I'm in Love With a
Wonderful Guy,'" Balki adds. "Well, I'll watch for her
upstairs," Harriette promises, "And if I see her, I'll send her down
here so you can tell her the bad news. I know I don't want to tell
her." Harriette goes into the elevator and closes the door.
- After Lydia enters
singing "Day-o" Balki asks where she's been.
"Jamaica," she answers, "Jack and I spent two days and three
glorious nights on the white sands of the Caribbean." "The
Caribbean?" Larry asks with surprise, "I thought you were just going
out to dinner?" "We were, but after we left here Friday, we
found out we were 'muy simpatico,'" Lydia explains, "And the next
thing I knew Jack had me on a plane to Jamaica." "Miss
Lydia," Balki interrupts, "as the official matchmaker, it's my
responsibility to give you some late breaking news . . . " "You
know Jack was so anxious to get me alone in the islands that we were at the
airport before he realized he'd forgotten his wallet," Lydia
continues. "But Lydia, if Jack didn't have his wallet, how could he
pay for everything?" Larry asks. "He couldn't," Lydia
answers, "Poor guy, he was so embarrassed. I practically had to beg
him to let me put everything on my credit card. Balki, I don't know how to
thank you." The scene continues much the same until Balki says,
"Miss Lydia, as your friends we'd just like to encourage you to get to know
Jack a little better before . . . " " . . . before spending any
more money on him," Larry finishes. After Lydia tells them about the
engagement party she says, "I've got to go upstairs and call my bank.
I want to put Jack's name on my accounts." Lydia sings her way
upstairs and Balki says, "I guess the family matchmaking skills skipped a
generation, Cousin. I can't let Miss Lydia marry Jack."
"She's my friend, too," Larry agrees, "I don't want to see her
hurt by this guy either. We've got to show Lydia that Jack will go after
any woman with money." "But how can we show her if we don't know
any other woman with money?" Balki asks. Larry looks at Balki with a
plan in his eyes. (Of course we know it ends up being Larry who
dresses as a woman!)
- Instead of the
"your bust is the plan" line, Balki says, "Cousin, I've got to
tell you, this is one of your all time great plans." After the bit
about Sophia Loren, Larry says, "Okay, okay, but I don't know who I'm
kidding. This outfit isn't going to fool anybody." They enter
the main room and Lydia approaches. "I don't believe what I'm
seeing," she says. Balki and Larry look worried. "You
don't?" Balki asks. "I have that same dress," Lydia
continues, "Who's your date, Balki?" "This isn't my
date," Balki says, "This is Cousin Larry's aunt. Since he's not
feeling well, and she was visiting, I asked her to come." Lydia
introduces herself to Larry and Larry replies, "Desiree
Appleton." "You can call her Desi," Balki says.
"Well, Desi, just make yourself at home," Lydia tells her and then
goes over to some other guests. Larry is amazed that Lydia bought it.
- When Larry tells
Balki to dance him over to Jack and Lydia he mentions that Balki is going to
have to keep Lydia busy while he's dropping subtle hints to Jack about how
incredibly rich and lonely he is. After Balki says, "Cousin, I told
you to wear flats," and Larry replies, "Flats with a dress like
this? I don't think so," Balki says, "Sorry, Cousin, I guess
it's the fashion rebel in me."
- In this version,
Balki tells Mr. Wainwright that Aunt Desiree was Miss Cheddar Cheese in
1975. Larry gives Balki a look but doesn't slap him.
- When Lydia
introduces Jack to Desiree, Jack asks, "Haven't we met somewhere
before?" "Not unless you ski St. Moritz," Larry
replies. "Well, as a matter of fact, I do," Jack answers.
"Well, I don't," Larry quickly covers, "So you must be thinking
of someone else." Jack looks confused. After the "shipping
maggot" bit, Lydia sees some people they know and pulls Jack away.
Balki tells Larry, "Cousin, I hope you don't mind me saying this but unless
you want to be a widow the rest of your life you're going to have to turn on the
charm.
- The bit with
Harriette recognizing Larry is not in this version of the script. Larry is
sitting at the table looking at himself in a compact. After Larry bombs
out at the buffet table with Jack, Balki asks, "Did he take the
worm?" "That's 'bait'," Larry corrects, "and no he
didn't." "Then how are we going to save Miss Lydia from
him?" Balki asks. "I don't know, Balki," Larry says,
"Maybe we don't have to. Jack seems sincere to me. Maybe
Gorpley was wrong about him. He's not exactly a great judge of
character. All I know is these pantyhose are killing me. You say
goodbye to Lydia and I'll get our coats."
- Instead of arguing
about tell Lydia, Jack says, "Of course. You're right. It will
be painful, but it's got to be done," before he leaves the foyer.
After Lydia says, "This Desiree?" Jack says, "Don't blame
her. It's not her fault, it's not my fault, it's nobody's fault.
It's just the way love is." After Balki reveals Larry is a man and
Jack finds out he has no money, Jack says to Lydia, "Lydia, forgive
me. I lost my head." "Let me get this straight,"
Lydia says, "You came to our engagement party and made a pass at somebody
else." "It's a little problem I have, but if it bothers you,
we'll go to counseling," Jack says. "I think you should go to
counseling by yourself and take this with you," Lydia says, throwing a pie
in his face, then adding, "Now hit the road, Jack." "And
don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more," Balki sings.
Lydia doesn't break down after Jack leaves. Wainwright approaches Larry
and says, "Appleton, about that lunch . . . . forget it."
"Of course, sir," Larry answers.
- When Larry and Balki
get home, Balki asks, "Do you think Lydia will be all right?"
"I think so," Larry answers, "She's pretty resilient. But I
don't think she'll be getting married any time soon. She learned quite a
lesson tonight." "And so did I," Balki agrees, "My
matchmaking days are in the past. Thanks for dressing up like a woman to
save Lydia from my mistake." "Well, it's only fair," Larry
replies, "You got to be Elvis." (!!!!!) The end plays out
much the same as in the shooting script, with smaller notes for the under the
end credits scene.
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