Nielsen Rating: 15.3 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 65 - Blind Alley
First Air Date: February 17, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 15.3 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Jimi Bridges Jr.: Calvin
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
Balki-isms:
"Rubbing your face with a trophy? Cousin, that could damage your
pores."
"Well, Cousin, if . . . if you have time to go pick up your slacks you have
time to teach me how to bowl."
"I thought they left that one out overnight and the ball weevils got
it."
"And not rubbing his face on it means that you’re a better winner than he
is."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Yes! Yes!!"
"Well, I’ll be snookered."
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Harriette insults Lydia
Interesting facts:
- Jimi Bridges, Jr., seen in this episode as Calvin, is Todd (Diff’rent
Strokes) Bridges older brother and both are now part of DVFilmWorks,
a film production company. Now known primarily as James Bridges, he has worked
as an actor, director, producer and scriptwriter.
- In parts of this episode Balki is wearing a jacket with a red, black and
yellow geometric pattern and yellow sleeves. Bronson wore this same jacket
on the first appearance he did on The Arsenio Hall Show on
February 8, 1989 which can be seen on our YouTube
Channel.
- There are three background actors who have been seen in various
previous episodes who also appear in this episode. Two of 
them
are part of Gorpley's bowling team, which is funny considering they were also
guests at Larry and Balki's Christmas party in the episode The Gift of the
Mypiot earlier this season and weren't too friendly to Mr. Gorpley
then! The first has been seen in a number of episodes playing various
background characters. Here, according to his bowling shirt, his name is Paul.
Another member of Gorpley's bowling team, whose name appears to be Bill, was
seen before at the Christmas party. And the woman who is usually working behind Larry and Balki in the
Chronicle basement can also be seen at the bowling alley watching the championship
game, cheering on Gorpley's team (she can also be seen eating at a table in the
background while Larry teaches Balki how to bowl).
- Jimmy the security guard does not appear in this episode but Larry mentions
him when he talks about how Gorpley locked Jimmy in the men’s room so he’s
miss the previous years bowling championship.
- The name of Larry’s bowling team is "Strike Force" while Gorpley’s
team is called "High Rollers."
- When Balki arrives to play in the tournament,
he's wearing Calvin's bowling shirt.
- This episode was clearly inspired by the Laverne & Shirley episode
entitled Bowling for Razzberries in which the girls are competing in the
annual Shotz bowling tournament. The difference is Laverne has taken an
excess of medication to fight a bad cold and is "doped up."
However, the joke where she almost throws the bowling ball into the seats is
recreated here in much the same way, except of course she isn’t swinging the
ball over her head!
- The music used while Balki is throwing his last shot is the same music used
when Balki hit the winning home run in the second season episode The
Unnatural.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- It’s true that Balki doesn’t plan to bowl when he enters the bowling alley
with Larry, but when Balki announces he wants to learn he never gets bowling
shoes. Playing on the lanes without bowling shoes can get one kicked out
of a bowling alley.
- When Balki throws the last ball in slow motion, you can see the end of the
rise between the bowling alley lanes, showing that is where the alley set ends.
- Also on his last throw, Balki tosses the ball from the center of the lane, but
when it cuts to the shot of the ball going towards the pins it is coming from
the very far right of the lane. Not only that, but the ball Balki throws
has distinct writing above the holes while the ball going down the lane doesn’t.
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle. Larry is standing by his desk with Lydia, Harriette and
another 
mailroom worker named Calvin. Larry is punching figures into an adding
machine. "All right, Harriette," Larry begins, "after last night’s
thrilling come from behind victory, your season bowling average is now . . .
135." "I’m hot!" Harriette exclaims, "I’m total
hot!" "Uh, how am I doing, Larry?" Lydia asks. Larry checks a
sheet and starts punching in numbers, answering, "Uh, your average has
climbed to . . . 79." "79!" Lydia cries excitedly, "And I
haven’t even peaked yet!" "All right, and Calvin still has the
league leading bowling average of . . . 195," Larry announces. Calvin
smiles and looks proud. Larry puts the calculator down, saying, "All right,
now . . . nothing’s gonna stop us! We’re going to that championship and what
are we gonna do?" "Win!" they all shout. Balki enters from the
loading dock as they continue to rally. "What’re we gonna do?"
"Win!" "We are going to . . . " "Win!
Win! Win! Win! Win!" The team starts high-fiving one another (Lydia keeps putting her hand
out but she is too short to reach). Balki reaches the desk and joins in the excitement and
high-fives, hugging Lydia. "This is fun!" Balki says, "What are
we doing?"
"We are psyching up!" Larry
explains. The bowling team does the synchronized success move, holding their
hands out and 
pulling them back as if they are snatching success. "For the
big bowling championship!" Larry adds. The team does the move again.
"Are you gonna come and watch us play?" Lydia asks. "Well, of
course I am, don’t be ridiculous!" Balki says, "When is it?"
"Tomorrow night," Larry answers. "Oh. Wednesday’s bad for
me," Balki realizes, "I have a doctor’s appointment. Can we do it
Tuesday?" "Balki, this is the championship, not a dinner date,"
Larry points out. "Oh," Balki sighs. "Well, I better get back to
work before Gorpley catches me standing around," Calvin notes. Everyone
agrees and Lydia and Harriette also head back to work as Calvin leaves. "All right, all right," Larry says, after Calvin, "Take care of
that arm. Huh? Keep it warm. Keep it warm! Yes! Yes!"
Larry returns to his
desk, saying, "I can’t wait to see Gorpley when they hand me that trophy.
He’s been rubbing my face in it for a year!" Balki is at his work table
looking confused. "Rubbing your face with a trophy? Cousin, that could
damage your pores."
The next scene takes place at the bowling
alley. Lydia and Harriette are practicing in one lane. Lydia throws a ball on a
second 
frame and gets all but two pins. She jumps up and down excitedly and runs
back to Harriette to tell her how to mark it on the score board. Larry and Balki
enter and stand behind their lane. "So, this is an American bowling
alley," Balki notes, looking around, "It don’t look like any alley I’ve
ever seen." "Listen to me," Larry says seriously, "I really
need to get a lot of practice in tonight. So please . . . just sit down and don’t
touch anything." Balki grabs Larry’s shoulders to keep him from walking
away and says, "Cousin, I don’t suppose you would like to teach me how to
bowl?" "No," Larry says flatly, cutting off any argument,
"No, absolutely not. No, no, Balki . . . tomorrow is the most important
match of my life. I have to concentrate." Larry walks into the lane with
Balki following behind him, holding up his hands to Larry as if to keep
distractions away. Harriette and Lydia start to greet Larry but Balki quickly
says, "Don’t! Don’t say anything to Cousin Larry. He’s got to
concentrate." "Not now, Balki," Larry explains, "When I
bowl." "Oh," Balki realizes, backing away.
"Well, where’s Calvin?"
Harriette asks, "It’s not like him to be late." "Yeah, where is
Calvin?" Lydia asks. The front door opens and Gorpley and his team enters,
Gorpley laughing loudly. "Ah, hi guys!" Gorpley greets them.
"Hi,
Mr. Gorpley," Balki smiles. "Appleton," Gorpley sighs with fake
sympathy, "so sorry to hear about your bad luck." "What bad
luck?" Larry asks. "Oh, I guess you haven’t heard," Gorpley
says, "Gee, I hate to be the bearer of bad news." "What bad
news?" Larry asks, starting to suspect something. "Well, it seems that
Calvin’s boss sent him to a seminar in Topeka for two weeks," Gorpley
explains, "I guess he’s gonna miss the match." "Wait a minute,
Mr. Gorpley," Balki says, "Aren’t you Calvin’s boss?"
"Oh, so I am!" Gorpley admits with a smile. "Gorpley, this is the
lowest thing you have ever done," Larry sneers. "Oh, trust me,
Appleton . . . it’s not even close!" Gorpley assures him. Gorpley and his
team laugh as they walk to a lane further down.
"I don’t believe that guy,"
Larry complains, "He did it again! Last year he locked Jimmy in the men’s
room so he’d miss the big 
match and now this." "Well, I’m too
angry to practice!" Harriette announces, "I’m gonna go home and burn
dinner." Harriette grabs her jacket and leaves. "I gotta go
shopping," Lydia sighs, "The only thing that gets me out of a
depression is buying on credit." Lydia grabs her jacket and also leaves.
"Oh Cousin, I’m so sorry," Balki offers, "I’m so sorry."
Larry sighs, then says, "Well, I’m not gonna let Gorpley win without a
fight. If I have to, I’ll pick up the slack myself." "Well, Cousin,
if . . . if you have time to go pick up your slacks you have time to teach me
how to bowl," Balki points out as Larry picks up a bowling ball from the
ball return. "Absolutely not," Larry insists. Balki starts to argue
with him and Larry argues back until Larry finally says, as if he were talking
to a child, "Balki! Why don’t you go get yourself a soda?"
Balki
smiles and starts to walk away as Larry takes his position in the lane, ready to
throw. Balki stops and looks around, then walks up behind Larry, following him
as he starts his stride.
As Larry swings the ball back to throw it,
Balki grabs it on the back swing and holds on, causing Larry to spin around and
land on 
the floor, his fingers still in the ball in Balki’s hand. "Cousin," Balki says, "I want to bowl."
"Okay,
fine," Larry capitulates, "Get a ball. Let’s get this over
with." Balki drops the ball, which lands precariously close to Larry on the
lane. Balki starts examining the balls in the ball return, announcing as Larry
gets up, "Oh, this one’s no good. It’s got holes in it."
"Balki,
Balki," Larry says, "the holes are what you put your fingers in."
Larry shows him with the ball he is holding. "Oh, it’s supposed to have
the holes!" Balki realizes. "Yes," Larry answers. "Well, I’ll
be snookered," Balki says, "I thought they left that one out overnight
and the ball weevils got it." Balki starts to demonstrate how they get in
there and Larry has to say, "Balki. Balki. Balki? Watch me."
Larry
steps onto the lane with Balki watching closely. "All right," Larry
begins, "Now, you stand here. All right? Get relaxed and comfortable.
Okay? Then you bring the ball up to eye level," Larry demonstrates, holding the
ball up in front of him as he says, "to line up your shot." Balki
walks in front of Larry and looks at the ball as Larry continues, "And then
when it . . . bad place to stand. Bad place to stand." Balki moves aside
again.
"All right, then," Larry
continues, "when everything comes together . . . you start your
stride." Larry walks through his stride and 
then throws the ball, which
rolls down the lane and knocks down all but two pins. "Cousin, you know
what?" Balki asks, "This is just like nok-nok-roll-a-rock."
"Nok-nok-roll-a-rock?" Larry asks. "Exactly," Balki says,
"It’s the Myposian game the whole family can play. First you take a rock
. . . oh but, listen to me! Listen to me! ‘Just take a rock.’
You don’t
just take a rock. Part of the skill is picking just the right rock.
Uh, you have
to feel at one with your rock. And you get it, and you put it . . . "
"Balki," Larry interrupts, "I’m sure nok-nok-roll-a-rock is a
real challenge in Mypos. But in America, where we’ve already gone through the
industrial revolution, sports are a bit more sophisticated. It takes years to
become a good bowler." "Well then, let’s get started!" Balki
suggests enthusiastically. "Get a ball," Larry gives in, "Get a
ball." Balki runs to the ball return and look over the balls. He picks one
and puts his fingers into it, picking it up. "How am I doing so far?"
Balki asks. "You seem to have mastered that part," Larry says
condescendingly. "Well, I should say so," Balki smiles, dropping the
ball to his side and realizing it is stuck on his fingers.
Balki tries to shake the ball off, then
tries pushing it off. He then puts it between his legs and tries to pull it off.
"Well, maybe not," 
Larry sighs. Larry takes the ball and tries to help
Balki get his fingers loose. Balki pushes on Larry’s face for leverage but the
ball won’t budge. Larry then holds the ball tight while Balki turns his back
and puts his foot on Larry’s leg and tries to pull his fingers out. When this
doesn’t work, they stand back to back with Larry holding the ball at arm’s
length while Balki has his arm over Larry’s shoulder and they try that way.
Larry looks over his shoulder at Balki then gets an idea and bites Balki’s
arm. Balki jumps and his fingers come loose from the ball. "There we
go," Larry smiles, casually brushing the ball off as Balki stamps his foot
in frustration. Larry sets the ball back into the ball return and picks out
another ball for Balki. "Why don’t you try this one?" Larry
suggests. Balki puts his fingers in the hole then pulls them back out again.
"Better?" Larry asks. "Yeah," Balki says. Balki sticks his
fingers in again and pulls them out. "Better?" Larry asks again.
"Oh yeah," Balki smiles, continuing to put his fingers in and take
them out. "Okay, you got it?" Larry asks. "Yeah," Balki
laughs, keeping his fingers in the ball. "You got it?" Larry asks
again. Larry lets go of the ball and it almost takes Balki’s arm off as it
drops, but Balki manages to hold onto it.
"Now, stand here," Larry
directs. "Yeah," Balki agrees. "All right, remember what I told
you," Larry continues, "Get relaxed and comfortable. Just relaxed and
comfortable." Balki lets his body go limp like a rag doll and finally he
lays on the floor where 
spreads out. "Get up," Larry insists,
"Get up. Get up. Get up!" Balki gets to his feet and composes himself,
giving Larry a sweet smile. "All right, now," Larry continues,
"bring the ball up to eye level. Line up the shot." Balki puts the
ball right in front of his face. "I can’t see a thing!" Balki
announces. "Lower the ball," Larry suggests. Balki does so, spying the
lane and pointing to it, smiling. "There it is!" Balki says.
"All
right, now," Larry proceeds, "start your stride." Balki starts to
slink down toward the lane with a sexy kind of stride. "No. No.
No no no no
no!" Larry cries, motioning for Balki to come back. Balki giggles but Larry
continues to be serious. "All right, start your stride, okay?" Larry
prompts as Balki follows his moves, "Step on the right foot; the first step
of a four step delivery. Step on the left. As you step on the right swing the
ball back. Step left, swing forward, and release." Balki follows through
but doesn’t let the ball go until it’s high in the air and it simply drops
down onto the lane with a thud. They watch as it rolls only slightly away.
"Cousin, I don’t think it’s gonna make it," Balki notes.
"That’s enough for today,"
Larry decides. "Should I give it a little kick?" Balki asks.
"No,
no, no, no, no," Larry insists, "I don’t want you to suffer from
bowler’s burnout on the very first day." Larry smiles and goes to
retrieve the ball and put it back in the 
ball return. "Cousin, look.
Look," Balki asks, "Can I . . . can I just try one thing? I want . . .
can I just try it my way? Can I just try it my way?" "Balki, if you
want to use some of your stone age techniques . . . go right ahead," Larry
says. "Thank you, I will!" Balki says, motioning for Larry to step
aside. Balki walks to the ball return, rubbing his hands together in
anticipation. "Now first, I have to find the ball that I’m at one
with." Balki holds his hands over the balls, moving them over different
ones until he stops at a particular ball. Balki leans over the ball emotionally,
gasping, "Oh!" Larry covers his face with embarrassment. Balki takes
the ball and walks to the lane, stepping up with his legs apart and placing the
ball in his hands on his head. He swivels his hips in preparation. Taking five
wide steps forward, Balki says, "Nok nok nok nok nok," with each step
until he reaches the line. He then lowers the ball to his chest, takes a deep
breath, and lets out an unbelievably loud scream as he holds the ball high up
over his head, then swings it down between his legs and throws it forward.
The
ball rolls down the lane and knocks over all of the pins. Larry’s eyes open
wide with amazement and he runs to where Balki is standing, staring down the
alley in shock as the scene fades to black.
Act two begins at the bowling alley the
night of the championship game. Larry, Lydia and Harriette are in their team
uniforms with 
their team name "Strike Force" on the front and back.
They are standing in the bowling aisle as Larry tells them about Balki’s
bowling prowess. "Are you telling me that Balki is a great bowler?"
Lydia asks over the establishing shot of the Panorama Bowl. "Yeah, I couldn’t
believe it!" Larry says, "It was strike after strike after strike.
He
bowled a 285 on his first game." "285?" Lydia gasps. "285," Larry confirms.
"In one game?" Lydia asks in
disbelief. "That’s a month’s worth of bowling for you," Harriette
comments. Mary Anne and Jennifer enter and Mary Anne calls, "Hi!"
"Oh, hi!" Larry, Harriette and Lydia greet them. Larry goes to meet
them. "Larry, did we miss anything?" Jennifer asks. "No, no, we’re
just warming up," Larry explains. "Where’s Balki?" Mary Anne
asks. "Well, he should be here any minute," Larry answers, "He
had to stop at the doctor’s and then he’s coming straight here. Now, I saved
you these seats." Larry motions to a couple of stools right behind the lane
and the girls sit down.
Gorpley approaches with his bowling team,
dressed in their uniforms with their team name "High Rollers" on the
front and back. 
One member, Paul, is carrying the trophy the won the previous year.
"Appleton," Gorpley says, "let’s get this show on the
road." "Keep your shirt on," Larry says, "Not all of our
team is here yet." "Oh, who’d you get to replace Calvin?"
Gorpley asks, "One of the babes from the typing pool?" His team
laughs. "It so happens it’s Balki," Lydia informs them. Gorpley
laughs even harder. "Bartokomous? Oh, excuse me. I have to go get ready for
our victory party." "You won’t be laughing so much when Balki gets
here," Larry smirks. Balki enters the bowling alley wearing temporary
sunglasses. He fumbles forward, groping to find his way, and ends up colliding
with a waitress, toppling her tray of drinks. "Oh! Am I late?" Balki
asks, "Am I in the bowling alley?" Larry runs to Balki and grabs him
by the jacket, asking, "Balki?" Balki feels Larry’s face, asking,
"Cousin?" "Oh, this is gonna be fun," Gorpley laughs with
Paul.
"Balki, what’s the matter with
you?" Harriette asks. "Harriette?" Balki calls, fumbling toward
the seats where she is sitting. 
"Right here, baby," she calls,
"Right here." "The eye doctor put drop in my eyes and I can’t
see a thing," Balki explains. Larry pulls Balki forward, crying, "Balki!
You didn’t tell me you were going to the eye doctor!" "Well, I didn’t
think it was important," Balki says, taking a step forward and tripping
over the step up to the bowling lane. He quickly gets back to his feet and
states, "I was wrong." "I can’t do it," Larry sighs to
himself, "I can’t think of everything he doesn’t know." "Come
on, Cousin," Balki says, "I can bowl. The doctor says that they will
clear up in just a few hours and all I need to do is just take a little practice
shot." Balki removes his jacket and asks, "Okay?" "All
right. Okay," Larry sighs, not sounding very certain. "Okay,"
Balki says, slowly sidestepping until he reaches the ball return. Lydia, who had
walked over to examine the balls earlier, has knelt down on the side opposite
Balki to tie her shoelaces. Balki starts feeling for a ball and ends up grabbing
Lydia’s face, putting his fingers under her front teeth. She screeches as
Balki tries to pick her up. Lydia looks shocked and Balki looks confused as
Gorpley’s team has a good laugh.
Gorpley steps forward, saying, "Come
on, Appleton. Enough stalling. Let’s get started." "Well, just a
minute," Larry argues, "Just a minute. Balki needs to warm up.
He’s
gotta take a few practice frames." Gorpley laughs and walks back to his
team. "All right, come on, Balki," Larry says, taking Balki’s hand,
"Let’s get ya a ball." "Okay," Balki says. Larry leads
Balki’s hand over one of the balls in the ball return. Balki shakes his head
no. Larry tries the one next to it and Balki immediately gasps happily, so Larry
picks up the ball and hands it to him. "Oh! All right, all right, here we
go," Larry says, moving Balki into the lane, "Okay, all right, all
right. Now, can you see the pins?" "No," Balki answers.
Larry
waves his hand in front of Balki’s face and asks again, "Can you see the
pins?" "No." "Can you see the pins?" "No."
"Okay, go," Lary says, patting Balki’s back and walking back to the
seats. Balki places the ball on his head and takes up his stance, everyone
watching in confusion. Balki steps forward five times, saying "Nok"
with each step until he reaches the end of the lane. The pins in front of him
are blurry. He raises the ball and lets out a scream. "Good luck, Balki!"
Mary Anne calls. Balki spins around to face the seats, calling, "Thanks,
Mary Anne!" "Balki, concentrate!" Larry scolds. Balki turns back
to the lane but spins too far and ends up going in a complete circle, facing the
seats again. He lets out a scream and moves to throw the ball, sending everyone
in the seats diving for cover. Larry cries out "Hold it! Hold it!" and
slowly approaches Balki, grabbing onto the ball.
There is a montage of scenes from the
championship game. Lydia is shown throwing a ball which hits only one pin on the
edge in 
her first frame, yet she jumps around in excitement, shouting,
"Yes! Yes!" Gorpley is seen picking up a spare by knocking down three
pins and he and his team cheer. Balki is shown holding the ball above his head
and screaming, then throwing it into the next lane where he gets a gutter ball.
Gorpley’s team laughs hysterically over this. Larry throws a ball neatly and
gets a strike. Harriette bowls and knocks down one pin to get a spare.
Gorpley
bowls again and gets a strike. His team cheers and Gorpley walks over to address
Larry. "Appleton, give up. The Mypiot needs a strike and a spare to win
this thing. Face it, that trophy is mine." "Not so fast, Gorpley,"
Larry counters, "It ain’t over ‘til it’s over." Gorpley walks
away and Larry turns his head to his team, sighing, "It’s over."
Balki stands up and walks over to Larry, addressing him although he’s facing
the other direction. "Cousin, I’m starting to see a little better."
Larry rolls his eyes and calls, "Balki. Balki." Larry whistles until
Balki turns around and feels his face to find him.
"Cousin, I think I can do this,"
Balki says. Larry looks hopeful. "You do?" "Yeah, I have a
feeling about it!" Balki continues, "The same feeling I had at the ‘81
Roll-a-Rock Fall Classic. We were down to our last rock and there were still six
gourds standing and 
everybody said ‘This is impossible!’ But I knew if I dug
deep, deep down inside myself I could knock the goodies out of those
gourds!" "And did you?" Larry asks. "Well, no," Balki
admits. "Oh God," Larry moans, covering his face in anguish.
"But
it was a good feeling, anyway" Balki adds, "Real good one. Okay,
Cousin . . . I’m ready! Just lead me to those balls!" Balki takes off the
protective glasses and his eyes are pointing in different directions. Mary Anne
and Jennifer cheer from the stands. Balki and Larry stand in front of the lane,
Balki with a ball in hand. "All right, I’ve lined you up," Larry
explains, "Now, just follow your nose." Larry pats Balki’s back and
hurries to the seats. Balki prepares, placing the ball on his head and taking
his stance. The pins in front of him are still blurry. Balki goes through the
steps, saying "Nok" each time, breathes in deeply, holds the ball over
his head with a loud scream and throws it from between his legs. The ball rolls
down the aisle and Balki gets a strike. The crowds behind Larry’s aisle cheer.
"Yes! Yes!" Larry cries, getting
Balki and leading him back, "Okay, all we need is a spare and the
championship is ours! All right, wait here." Larry gets Balki a ball while
Gorpley leans over to look at the score sheet in frustration. Balki is in
position with his 
ball, Larry by his side. "You know what to do,"
Larry says. "Yeah," Balki says. Larry pats his back and hurries to the
seats as Balki takes his position. Everyone watches intensely. Balki goes
through his motions as Harriette calls, "Come on, baby!" "Let’s
go, Balki!" Lydia cheers and others in the crowd cheer him on. Balki raises
the ball, screams, and throws. The ball looks good, heading for the center of
the pins. "Yes! Yes!!" Larry cries. But instead of a strike Balki ends
up with a seven-ten split. "No, no!!" Larry cries. "Yes!
Yes!!"
Gorpley’s team shouts. Gorpley starts polishing his trophy. Balki holds his
hand out backward as Larry walks up to it and Balki feels his face. "Cousin, you’re frowning.
What’s wrong?" " There’s two pins
left," Larry sighs. "Why, that’s great!" Balki says.
"No,
no, it’s a seven-ten split," Larry explains, "It’s the hardest split
in bowling to pick up." "Oh, come on, Cousin," Balki says,
"One time in nok-nok-roll-a-rock I had a deadly fifty-eight-thirty-seven split." "And you made it?" Larry asks hopefully.
"Well, no," Balki
admits. "Oh, God!" Larry moans. "Nobody makes that," Balki
adds. "Why do you tell me these stories?" Larry asks. "Just a way
of dealing with anxiety," Balki explains.
"All right, all right, come on, come
on," Larry urges, leading Balki to the ball return. Larry hands Balki a
ball. "Come on! Knock it 
out of the park!" Mary Anne shouts.
"Now
remember," Larry tells Balki, "This is only a game." Larry’s
voice becomes dead serious. "It’s the most important game of my
life." He lightens his voice again. "But it’s only a game."
"Not too much pressure!" Balki sighs. Larry pats Balki’s back
and heads to the seats as Balki loosens up. Placing the ball on his head, with
the pins still a blur, Balki goes through his stride, "Nok, nok, nok, nok,
nok," lowers the ball and takes a deep breath. In slow motion, as dramatic
music plays, he raises the ball above his head, screaming. The ball rolls down
the aisle, heading for the pin on the far left. It hits that pin, which flies
across and knocks over the pin on the opposite side for the needed spare. Everyone on Larry’s side of the bowling alley goes wild with celebration.
Balki runs to meet the cheering crowd but goes in the wrong direction.
Harriette runs to Gorpley and yanks the trophy out of his hand. Everyone is
gathered around Balki and Larry, cheering and celebrating. Harriette hands the
trophy to Larry. Balki hugs Larry with one arm and everyone continues to cheer.
Back at their apartment, Larry and Balki
are sitting on the couch looking at the trophy on the coffee table. "I can’t
wait to take it to work tomorrow and rub Gorpley’s face in it," Larry
smiles. "Cousin, isn’t that what Mr. Gorpley used to do to you?"
Balki asks. "He certainly did!" Larry confirms. "And . . . and,
and you hated it when he did it, didn’t you?" Balki asks. "I sure
did," Larry 
agrees vindictively, "and now he’s gonna see what
it feels like!" "This trophy is supposed to represent your
accomplishments, not somebody else’s misfortune," Balki points out.
Larry
looks deflated, saying, "You’re gonna take all the fun out of winning
this, aren’t you? You’re just gonna suck all the fun right out it."
"Okay, Cousin, Cousin, look," Balki interrupts, "Listen to me.
You’re missing the point. The point of this trophy, this trophy says that your
team was better than Mr. Gorpley’s. And not rubbing his face on it means that
you’re a better winner than he is." "Mr. Gorpley probably feels
pretty awful right now," Larry speculates. "Oh, you know he
does," Balki agrees. After a pause, Larry asks, "Couldn’t I just
call him up to make sure?" "No," Balki shakes his head.
"How
about a nasty note on his office door?" Larry asks. "No," Balki
shakes his head again. "How about if I just drive by his house and yell ‘Loser!
Loser!’" Larry asks, getting desperate, "I need something, I
need something to call my own . . . to hang onto." Larry motions this to
Balki, who thinks a moment. "All right, Cousin. One phone call," Balki
agrees. Larry hurries to the phone on the counter to make the call as the scene
fades.
Script Variations:
There are some differences between the
shooting script dated February 6, 1989 and the final episode:
- After
Larry tells Calvin he has the league leading average, Calvin says, "League
leading average. Those words are music to my ears." After Balki
says he can't make it Wednesday night he asks if they can do it Thursday
instead. After Larry says it's the championship and not a dinner date,
Balki says, "Oh, I'll get there as soon as I can."
- After
Balki says that rubbing Larry's face with a trophy could damage his pores, the
scene continues. Gorpley enters carrying a bowling trophy. "Bartokomous.
It's that time of year again," Gorpley says. "Don't I know
it," Balki replies, "If Dustin Hoffman doesn't get the Oscar this
year, there's no justice." "I'm talking about polishing up the bowling
trophy," Gorpley explains, "I want it to look its best for the
presentation." "Mr. Gorpley, that's very nice of you,"
Balki says, "Cousin, Mr. Gorpley is having me polish up the trophy for your
team." "For Appleton?" Gorpley asks, then laughs.
Balki laughs with him. "You find something amusing, Gorpley?"
Larry asks. "Amusing doesn't cover it," Gorpley chuckles,
"Hilarious, maybe. You with a bowling trophy? What's wrong with
this picture?" Balki thinks then says, "I give up, Mr. Gorpley.
What is wrong with this picture? In fact, where is the
picture?" "You're forgetting one thing," Larry says,
"We have a new team member this year." "Oh, I know all
about Calvin," Gorpley assures him, "That doesn't worry me. You
still have two women on the team. And this is bowling, not a
bake-off." Gorpley exits and Balki smiles and says, "Bowling not
a bake-off? I love it. I'm glad to see you two are finally hitting
it off." Larry reacts.
- When
Balki and Larry enter the bowling alley to practice, Lydia and Harriette are not
there. Balki says, "So this is an American bowling alley. It
doesn't look like an alley I've ever seen. No garbage cans, no cats, much
better lighting . . . " After Gorpley comes in and tells him that
he's sent Calvin to Topeka, Larry fumes and says, "He did it again.
Two years ago he bribed Tierney into throwing the match. One year ago he
tricked Jimmy the security guard into handcuffing himself to the men's room sink
so he'd miss the match. And now this." "Cousin, I'm
starting to think Mr. Gorpley's not playing by the same rules you are,"
Balki notes.
- Instead
of asking if he should give the ball a little kick when it isn't going anywhere,
Balki asks if he should give it a little push. After Balki uses his own
technique to bowl a strike, he comments, "This is much easier than
nok-nok-roll-a-rock." "Why is that?" Larry asks.
"There are no sheep in the lanes," Balki explains.
- At
the bowling alley the night of the tournament, Lydia asks Larry, "Why don't
you tell us who you got to take Calvin's place?" "After what
Gorpley did to Calvin, I thought it would be best not to tell anyone at the
office," Larry explains, "But I guess I can tell you now. It's
Balki." Lydia and Harriette both say, "Good night,"
together. After Harriette tells Lydia that Balki's score is a month's
worth of bowling for her, Larry says, "Balki's style is a little
unconventional. But I'm telling you, with Balki on our team, we can crush
Gorpley. And the best part is, he won't expect a thing."
- When
Balki stumbles into the bowling alley, Mary Anne asks, "Balki, what's
wrong?" Balki gives Jennifer a big hug and says, "Mary Anne, I'm
glad you could come and see us play." "Balki, I'm happy to see
you. But I'm Jennifer," Jennifer explains.
- After
Balki almost throws the ball into the seats, Larry turns him around the right
way to try again. Once again he asks, "Can you see the
pins?" "No." "Can you see the pins?"
"No. "Can you see the pins?" "No."
"Okay." Balki throws the ball and barely hits two pins.
Larry announces, "We're ready."
- The
bowling montage is a little different and reads as follows:
- Gorpley
bowls a strike. His team cheers.
- Harriette
bowls a strike. She shoots Gorpley a look.
- Lydia
bowls. She hits four pins and is very excited.
- Balki
takes his dark glasses off and squints. We still see a blurry POV.
He bowls. The ball goes into Gorpley's lane and gets Gorpley a strike.
- Larry
bowls and picks up the ten pin. The team cheers.
- Balki
bowls and hits the pin sweeper. Gorpley laughs.
- Lydia
gets a strike and faints.
- Balki
throws a ball, it goes in the gutter, then jumps out of the gutter and hits the
pins.
- Balki
gets a strike and Mary Anne runs up and gives him a big kiss. Balki,
disoriented, begins walking in the direction of the pins. Larry grabs
Balki and brings him back to the bench.
- Larry
gets a strike. Jennifer runs to him and gives him a kiss.
- After
Balki assures Larry he's ready to bowl the final frames, Larry says, "Wait,
wait!" Larry slaps Balki's face, trying to get his eyes straightened
out. "What do you see?" Larry asks. "Either you or
Gene Shalit?" Balki guesses. "Close enough," Larry says,
and hands Balki a ball, asking, "Is this it?" Balki says "Ahhhh"
and Larry lines him up on the lane. "Can you see the pins?"
Larry asks again. "No." "Can you see the
pins?" Balki says, "Yes, but they're moving."
"Those are my fingers," Larry explains. "Then I can't see
the pins," Balki states.
- After
Balki gets the seven-ten split, Larry mutters, "Well, Balki, you
tried." That's when Balki asks what's wrong. As well as saying
the match is the most important game of his life, Larry adds, "If we lose,
I'll be the laughing stock of the newspaper."
- When
Larry and Balki are on the couch looking at the trophy, Larry asks, "Isn't
it a beauty?" "Now that I can see it, I have to agree,"
Balki says. Balki points out "Winning the trophy means that your team
is better than Mr. Gorpley's. And not rubbing it in means that you're a
better winner than he is." "You're right, Balki," Larry
agrees, "I should be a gracious winner." "Right,"
Balki says. Larry then speculates that Gorpley must be feeling awful and
the rest of the script is the same as filmed.
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