Nielsen Rating: 16.1 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 63 - Games People Play
First Air Date: February 3, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 16.1 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Bill Rosenthal & Noah Taft
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Bob Goen: Bink Warmington
F.J. O’Neil - Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Jude Mussetter: Kelly Langston
Marr Nealon: Contestant #1
Lynnsey Ryan: Contestant #2
Tim Neil: Stage Manager
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
Balki-isms:
"I’m throwing down the
cutlet!"
" . . . you’re really starting to
flea and tick me off."
"It’s good to let your hair fall
out once in a while."
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Oh my Lord!"
"Yes! Yes!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry pulls an Appleton Snow Job on Balki
to get him to not want to continue into the prize round of the game show
Balki and Larry puff up their chests at
the same time to illustrate strength
Larry whines
Interesting facts:
- Marshall and Walpole are mentioned
again, still treating Larry as an underling. This time they throw an assignment
they deem too trivial to Larry.
- The type of game show in this program,
called Risk it All, will remind one of children’s game shows such as Double
Dare which were hugely popular at the time. However, it’s very likely the
idea for the game show here was based on a similar Warner Bros. program for kids
called Fun House which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991 (although Fun
House was likely based on its contemporary Double Dare, which later
became the more prevalent series with its move to Nickelodeon). The host of Fun
House was J.D. Roth and he was assisted by twin cheerleaders named
Jacqueline and Samantha Forrest. Bronson and Mark even filmed commercials for Fun
House as Balki and Larry, possibly because of their connection through this
particular episode?
- The game show host, Bink Warmington, was
a perfect spoof of game show hosts of the time and his name, Bink, was probably
inspired by Wink Martindale, one of the most famous of the game show hosts.
Bob
Goen, who portrayed Bink so sublimely, had lots of practice for the role, seeing
that he had been an actual game show host for many years. And if he looks
familiar, then you may be remembering him as the co-host of Entertainment
Tonight from 1993 to 2004. Bob Goen currently hosts the Game Show Network
program That’s the Question.
- Risk it All’s hostess, Kelly Langston,
has to be largely based on Vanna White (who also filmed a commercial for Perfect
Strangers at one point with Bronson and Mark (see clip posted by Cousin John
on YouTube). The reference to Kelly’s
book could 
be a slight spoof of Vanna’s popular autobiography,
Vanna Speaks!
- When the outside of the Risk It All
studio is shown, it is actually the exterior of soundstage 26 at the Culver City
studio lot where Perfect Strangers was filmed. The line of people walking to the
studio are the audience members being escorted to an actual filming of the show.
The Risk it All sign was either put in as a special effect or a
sign that was pasted up temporarily.
-
Similarly, the inside shots where the
audience is shown shouting "Risk it All!" was the actual studio
audience for the filming. If you look closely you can see warm up comedian
Robert Lee seated in the front row to the left.
- Marr Nealon, who played Contestant #1,
is now a noted spokesperson for vegetarianism working with the organization
Voice for a Viable Future.
- The term "schmutz" is actually
a Yiddish word derived from the same word in German which refers to any kind of
an unpleasant substance.
- There are two references to Happy
Days in this episode, which Perfect Strangers producers Tom
Miller, William Bickley and Michael Warren had worked on previously: one of the
stunts is called "Sit On It" and when the Risk it All commode cab (a
toilet on wheels) is introduced Kelly explains it’s an American Imperial
Whisper Flush supplied by Cunningham Hardware of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
- When Larry pulls on Balki’s t-shirt to
imitate the "greed monster" the reference is to a scene in the 1979
classic sci-fi / horror film Alien in which audiences were shocked when
(spoiler alert!) John Hurt’s character suddenly has the baby alien which had
been growing inside him, unknown to anyone on the ship, burst out of his chest
on the mess table.
- Larry’s comment "Just Say
No!" was a topical reference to Nancy Reagan’s 1980's & early 90's
campaign to discourage kids from using or starting on recreational drugs.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- When Balki and Larry are about to leave
the Chronicle, Balki says he’s going to call all of their friends to meet them
at the show. Larry stops Balki from making the call, however. So how did
Jennifer, Mary Anne, Lydia and Harriette end up at the show? Check out the
Script Variations below the Synopsis to find out!
- The three minutes of the bonus round
only lasts about 2 minutes and 38 seconds in real time.
- At the end of the episode Balki and Larry decide
to recreate the stunt Bobbing for Bananas . . . but do they really have that
much chocolate fudge in their house? Read the Script Variations below for
a slightly more plausible explanation!
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle. Larry is at his desk working when Mr. Wainwright enters from
the 
loading dock. "Appleton!" he calls. "Yes, sir, Mr.
Wainwright?" Larry answers, approaching his boss. "Marshall and
Walpole have recommended you for an assignment," Wainwright says. "They did?" Larry asks excitedly, "Well, uh, yes sir!
I’m your
man. What is it? Political scandal? Corruption? Drug dealing?"
"No,
they want you to go on a game show called Risk it All," Wainwright answers.
"Interesting," Larry replies, "Uh, well, what is it? Payola?
Show’s
fixed? What’s the angle?" "The angle is Marshall and Walpole don’t
want to do it," Wainwright explains, "It’s a piece for the Sunday
supplement." "Well, yes, sir," Larry says, "I’ll stay late
tonight and research the history of game shows. You know, I think they started
on radio." "Appleton," Wainwright sighs, holding up his hands,
"you go on the show, you write two thousand words about what it’s like to
be a contestant. It’s a game show. It’s not Watergate."
Mr. Wainwright looks at his watch and
says, "Now you better get going, you’ve got to be there in thirty
minutes." He starts to walk away but Larry notes, "Well, that’s
awfully short notice, sir."
"This is journalism, Appleton,"
Wainwright points out, "We do things on short notice. Uh, you need a
partner, so grab somebody 
and get going." "Yes sir!" Larry agrees
as Mr. Wainwright exits to the loading dock. Larry runs to his desk to get his
jacket when Balki runs in from the parking garage. "Hi, Cousin," Balki
says, passing Larry to head to his work table. "Balki! Balki, look,"
Larry stops him, "I . . . I need you to be my partner on some stupid game
show called Risk it All." "That’s my favorite game show!" Balki
exclaims, "I’m going to call all our friends and tell them to meet us
there." Balki reaches for Larry’s phone but Larry stops him. "No, I
. . . I’d rather you didn’t," Larry explains. "Cousin, we’re
going to meet Bink Warmington and his lovely co-hostess Kelly Langston."
"Tell me about it in the car," Larry urges, grabbing Balki’s
shoulder. "I read her book, ‘Kelly Talks to Teens About Hygiene,'"
Balki explains as Larry leads him to the parking garage, "There’s a great
chapter on skin care. ‘How to Be a Hit in Spite of Your Zit.’"
We see a studio sound stage with a line of
people walking past and a sign on one side that reads "Risk it All."
Inside the studio, 
the game show is underway. Too women are in the middle of a
messy stunt where one is trying to knock an apple off the others head using two
squeeze bottles of ketchup. "Come on! Time is running out!
Oh, she’s
gonna reload!" the host, Bink Warmington, says as the one doing the squeezing pulls two more
bottle out of her overalls and tries again, squirting her friend mostly in the
face, "Let’s see if she can knock it off before times run out!"
The
host leads the audience in counting down the last seconds remaining. "No!
They didn’t make it in time!" Bink cries, "Oh, you did so
well but you lose everything!" The audience sighs, "Aw!"
"Well, thanks for joining us," Bink offers as they ladies unhappily
walk off the set, "So long, ladies, from . . . " Bink gets the
audience to join him on shouting "Risk it All!" "Bye,
bye!" he finishes. Balki and Larry are standing backstage wearing blue
jumpsuits with the Risk it All logo on them and they see the two women, both
covered in a slimy mess, walking off. One complains, " . . . try
harder" while the other one moans, "It’s your fault. It’s always
your fault."
Larry’s eyes are opened wide with shock.
"Balki, you didn’t tell me about the stunts." "Cousin,
everybody knows about the stunts!" Balki counters, "Why you think they
put us in jumpsuits? As a fashion statement?" "This is awful!"
Larry cries, "I’m gona 
humiliate myself in front of the entire city of
Chicago!" Back on the stage, Bink addresses the cameras, saying,
"Kelly, let’s introduce our next two contestants." "Bink, they’re
two cousins from right here in Chicago. Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous.
Let’s welcome them to . . . " The audience joins in for "Risk it
All!" Balki and Larry enter the stage through a doorway of streamers and
Balki stands in awe. We can see Harriette, Lydia, Mary Anne and Jennifer sitting
in the front row of the audience, applauding. Balki rushes over to one of the
stunt sets and cries, "Oh, Cousin! It’s the Wheel of Schmutz!
It’s the
Wheel of Schmutz!" He then runs to a ring with several balloons in it and
cries, "Oh Cousin! Sit On It!" Larry is walking toward Balki to try to
reel him in but Balki is off running to another prop where he cries, "Oh!
Dueling Buckets! Dueling Buckets!" He falls down on his knees and sobs,
"I want to live here!"
Kelly approaches Balki and taps him on the
back. Balki looks up and sees Kelly. Getting to his feet he hugs he, crying,
"Kelly! 
Kelly, it’s you! Oh, you’re my favorite game show
hostess!" Balki takes her hand and continues, "I’m so happy to see
you! And listen, I don’t believe that story about you posing for those
photographs before you became a big star." Kelly looks to Bink for help and
Bink walks over, saying, "Well, looks like we’ve got a live one, huh,
Kelly?" Balki launches himself at Bink, hugging him and crying, "Bink!
Bink! Let me look at you, let me look at you. Let me ask you, are those your
real teeth?" "I can tell you’ve never been on television before,
have you, Balki?" Bink asks, leading Balki to the podium where Larry is
waiting, "Tell you what, you . . . . " Balki is distracted by the
camera and walks up to it, staring into the lens. "Hello. Hi!
Hi,
everybody!" Balki then looks past the camera to the audience and cries,
"Mary Anne!" as he runs past the camera. After a moment Balki
reappears, having been shoved back onto the set by the stage manager.
"Why don’t you do me a favor here,
Balki?" Bink asks, leading Balki to his place at the podium, "You just
stand right here and let me start the game, okay?" Larry pulls Balki closer
and says sharply, "Balki, you’re embarrassing me." Larry smiles at
the 
audience and cameras as Bink begins. "All right! It’s time to play .
. . " "Risk it All!" the audience chants. "Now, here’s how
we play our money round," Bink explains, "Kelly will describe a stunt
to you and then I’ll ask you a question. You can either do the stunt or answer
the question. You got it?" "Got it!" Balki says happily.
"Okay," Bink says. "Wait a minute, wait a minute," Larry
interrupts, "Bink, did you say we could either perform the stunts or
answer the question?" "That’s right," Bink smiles. "Well,
yeah," Balki agrees, "but Cousin, nobody answers the question. I mean,
you can’t have fun that way, can you, Bink?" "Well, you could have
fun if you try this stunt . . . it’s the Wheel of Schmutz! Kelly?"
"Oh, I love the Wheel of Schmutz!" Balki says, "Cousin, this one
these buckets come around with this disgusting stuff and you reach inside to
pick out the necklace, and . . . " "Balki. Balki," Bink
interrupts, "It’s Kelly’s job to describe the stunts, okay?"
"Oh, I’m sorry," Balki apologizes, "You’re right. I . . . I
stand corrected." "Okay," Bink sighs. Balki turns to Kelly and
says, in Bink’s style of voice, "Kelly!" Bink looks frustrated.
"I think I understand the
stunt," Larry assures them, "You do something and you get messy.
Now,
what’s the question?" "The question is," Bink reads off a card,
"which famous artist cut off his ear?" There are two large buttons on
the podium, one above 
the word "Question" and the other above the word
"Stunt." Larry reaches over to hit the "Question" button but
Balki stops him. "Cousin . . . what are you doing?" "I’m gonna
answer the question," Larry explains. "No, no, Cou . . . just . . .
" Balki turns to Bink, "uh Bink, just let me have just one moment.
I
think Cousin Larry’s missing all the fun here." "Guys, it’s only a
thirty minute show," Bink reminds them, "Could we move it along,
please?" "Bink, just one minute," Larry asks, holding up a
finger. He talks to Balki in a low voice. "Balki, the only reason I’m
here is because the paper sent me. Now we’re just gonna answer the questions,
get some cash and go home. No stunts! That way I get my story and avoid
humiliation." "I’m going to press that ‘Stunt’ button before you
ever think of getting near that ‘Question’ button!" Balki insists.
"Oh really?" Larry asks. "Oh really!" Balki nods.
"You
think so?" Larry asks. "Yes, I do," Balki says. Larry reaches
over and taps the "Question" button, much to Balki’s surprise.
"Bink, the artist who cut off his ear is Vincent Van Gogh," Larry
states. "That’s right!" Bink says with surprise, "You’ve just
won twenty-five dollars!" The audience applauds.
"Now, get ready, guys," Bink
warns, "because our next stunt is Sit On It! Kelly!" Kelly is standing
next to the ring filled with balloons. "Balki and Larry," she
announces, "all you have to do is break four little balloons by sitting on
them. But surprise . . . 
the balloons are filled with . . . whipped cream!"
"I knew it!" Balki says excitedly, "I knew it! They’re always
filled with something! Cousin, I’m gonna do this one. I wanna do this
stunt." "You may not want to do the stunt, you may want to answer this
question," Bink says, then reads as Balki holds his hand out over the
"Stunt" button, "In the Peanuts cartoon, who is always calling
Charlie Brown ‘blockhead?’" Larry immediately hits the
"Question" button as Balki is only raising his hand up to hit the
"Stunt" button. "Lucy van Pelt!" Larry answers. "That’s
absolutely right!" Bink says, "You’ve won fifty dollars!"
The
audience applauds again. "Cousin," Balki says seriously, "I’ve
tried reasoning with you. It failed. I want to do the stunts! So from here on
out it’s war! I’m throwing down the cutlet!" Balki moves his hand over
the "Stunt" button and Larry moves his hand over the
"Question" button and they stand, looking determined, as the scene
fades to black.
Act two begins a short time later with
Balki and Larry waiting for Bink to speak. "For five hundred dollars, what
will it be? The 
stunt? Or the question?" Bink asks. Balki and Larry start
struggling with each other, each one trying to get to the button they want.
Balki pushes his face down toward the "Stunt" button but Larry grabs
Balki’s head by the hair and leads it over to the "Question" button
instead, finally pushing Balki’s face down onto the cushioned button which
dings. "Bink,
the first man to sail around the world was Ferdinand Magellan," Larry
answers. "That’s absolutely right!" Bink reveals, "You just won
five hundred dollars." The audience applauds. "Larry and Balki,"
Bink sighs in frustration, "you’re the first two contestants ever to make
it to the final question here in the money round without doing a single
stunt." "Well, we’re going to do the next stunt!" Balki
declares as he shoots Larry a look. "Yeah, well, this is one stunt you may
like," Bink says, "Let’s take a look." He backs over to another
stunt setup and announces, "It’s Flying Chickens! Kelly!"
Kelly
picks up one of the rubber chickens from a catapult and explains, "One of
you will place the chicken in the catapult and send it flying across the stage
where the other one catches it . . . in a bucket of barbecue sauce." She
finishes with a wink.
Balki glares at Larry. "I love Flying
Chickens. And I’m going to do Flying Chickens." Balki determinedly hits
the "Stunt" button but nothing happens. "The button doesn’t
count until Bink reads the question," Larry informs Balki coolly. Balki
grabs Larry 
around the arms and holds him tight, lifting his own right leg over
the "Stunt" button as Larry tries to get free. Bink looks at them with
irritation. "Now, for one thousand dollars, who was known as the King of
Swing?" Bink reads. Larry suddenly cries, "Oh look! Kelly
fainted!" Balki turns to look, crying, "Kelly!" as Larry grabs
Balki’s leg and drops it on the "Question" button. "He chose
the question!" Bink cries in exasperation. Balki drops his head to the
podium in despair. Larry pats him on the back and says, "Buck up, buddy.
Bink, the King of Swing is Benny Goodman." "That’s absolutely
right!" Bink says in amazement, "For one thousand dollars!"
The
audience applauds wildly. "And we’ll be right back to find out if our two
contestants want to keep their money and go home or if they want to risk it all
in the prize round." "And we’re out," the stage manager
announces. Bink leans toward the stage manager and says, "I want to see
whoever booked these two people on my show in my dressing room . . . now!"
Bink storms offstage.
"Balki, did you hear that?"
Larry asks. "Yes, I think Bink wants us back!" Balki says smugly.
"No, no. No, the part where Bink 
said that we could quit," Larry
explains. "Quit?" Balki asks in disbelief. "Sure!
I’ve got
everything I need for my story. Let’s just take the money and get out of
here." "Cousin, quit?" Balki asks, "We haven’t done
anything but answer questions. We may as well be on ‘Jeopardy'! We don’t
have any schmutz on our jumpsuits! Cousin, I want to do stunts and win big
prizes!" "Ah! There it is," Larry says. "There what
is?" Balki asks. "Big prizes. That’s how they suck you in.
Balki,
they depend upon the most basic of all human failings." "Bad
posture?" Balki asks. "Greed," Larry explains, "Greed.
They
show you something every poor gullible slob wants like a . . . like a big screen
TV . . . " "A big screen TV?" Balki asks excitedly, jumping
around as he yells, "Oh Cousin, let’s risk it all! Please! Please!
Please!" "Balki!" Larry scolds, "It’s happening
already." "What’s happening?" Balki asks. "It’s the
greed monster," Larry explains.
Balki looks around a bit nervously,
asking, "Where?" "Inside you," Larry explains. Balki looks
shocked. "Inside me? Like ‘Alien?’" "Yes," Larry
answers, then realizes he can use this, "Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, it starts deep
inside you. And then . . . and 
then Bink feeds it by letting you win enough
until the greed takes over." "No," Balki whines. "And you
lose control!" "No!" Balki whimpers, looking down at himself.
"And then Kelly feeds it even more by showing you bigger and bigger
prizes!" Larry continues, "And the greed grows and grows, more and
more, until finally . . . " Larry grabs Balki’s t-shirt underneath his
jumpsuit and pulls it out, wiggling it around as if an alien were popping out of
Balki’s chest. Balki screams and screams until Larry pulls him into a hug to
comfort him. "All right, it’s all right," Larry assures him then
holds him at arm’s length. "Cousin, why would Bink and Kelly do something
like that to me?" Balki sobs. "Well, they can’t help
themselves," Larry explains, "They’re part of the system."
"But, but Cousin, how could the greed monster get me? I’m not a greedy
person." "Oh no?" Larry asks. "No!" "No?"
"No!" "No?" "No!" Larry grabs Balki’s t-shirt
again and again growls and makes it move around, causing Balki to scream again.
Larry once again hugs Balki to comfort him.
"Balki, it’s not too late!"
Larry assures him, "I’ll save you." "Thank you, Cousin,"
Balki offers. "Hey, I know you’d do the same for me. Now, when Bink comes
back out here he’s going to tempt you with some fantastic prizes. But you have
to be strong." They both breath in and look strong. "You have to
resist!" Larry continues, "Remember . . . just say no!" "Got
it. I’ll be strong, Cousin," 
Balki promises as Bink comes back onstage,
not looking too happy. "Bink, we’re back," the stage manager
announces. Bink immediately puts on his fake smile and says, "Well, we’re
back! Well, the big question is now will Larry and Balki keep their thousand
dollars or are they going to . . . ?" "Risk it all!" the audience
chimes in. "Now, follow me, fellas, and I’ll show you what you could be
playing for." Bink leads them across the stage to a curtain. "Remember," Larry says to Balki, "Be strong."
"Just say
no," Balki states, "Just say no." The curtain pulls aside to
reveal a beautiful red convertible with Kelly sitting on it. "It’s a
brand new sports car!" Bink announces, "Kelly, tell them about
it." "My pleasure, Bink," Kelly smiles, "It comes equipped
with all the luxuries, including air conditioning, CD player and cellular car
phone. Yes, Balki and Larry, you could drive this dream car home if you’re
willing to risk it all!"
Larry and Balki look at one another as
Bink asks, "Well, guys, what’s it gonna be? Are you gonna risk it all for
that beautiful new 
car? What do you think, audience? What should they do?"
"Risk it all!" the audience yells. "We’re going to be
strong," Balki says, "And just . . . " "RISK IT ALL!!!"
Larry screams, grabbing Balki by the arm and jumping up and down excitedly.
"They’re gonna go for the car!" Bink announces as Larry continues to
act like a madman. In the audience, Lydia says to Harriette, "Talk about
style!" "Yeah, that’s some car," Harriette sighs. "Well,
the car’s nice but I was talking about Bink!" Lydia swoons. "Isn’t
this great?" Jennifer asks Mary Anne. "Yeah, but do you think they
could get a different car?" Mary Anne asks, "I don’t look good in
red." On stage, Balki and Larry are back at the podium and Bink says,
"Now, are you guys ready to risk it all for that beautiful new car?"
"Give me the question and give me the car!" Larry insists. "But
Cousin, we could lose all of our money!" Balki points out. "All right,
now you may not want to answer the question this time," Bink explains,
"You may want to try this very easy stunt! Kelly?"
Kelly stands up from behind a stunt
display, saying, "It’s a little thing we call Dueling Buckets. Now, one
of you will take a bean bag and throw it at the . . . " "The
question!" Larry insists, "The question!" "Here’s your
question," Bink begins, reading, "Whose picture was on the ten
thousand dollar bill?" Larry immediately hits the "Question"
button and he answers, "Salmon P. Chase!" 
"That’s absolutely
right!" Bink says in shock, "They’ve won the car!" Larry hugs
Balki, who is also happy. "Oh boy," Balki says, "Oh gosh!
I’m
so relieved! Thank you, Bink. Come on, Cousin, let’s take the car and get
outta here!" Balki tries to pull Larry away but Bink says, "Wait, don’t
go yet!" A loud siren begins and Bink announces, "It’s time for the
bonus round!" Balloons drop down from above and Larry is excited beyond
belief, shouting, "It’s the Bonus Round!" "Cousin, Cousin . . .
no, uh . . . Cousin, be careful. We could lose everything," Balki warns.
"What’s the bonus prize?" Larry demands. "The bonus prize?
It’s
a cruise around the world!" Bink announces. "Oh God!" Balki says
worriedly. Kelly walks out with a painted cutout of a ship, which she parades in
front of them even though Balki puts his hands over Larry’s eyes. "That’s
right!" Bink continues, "You’ll be cruising in style because we’re
going to throw in twenty five thousand dollars in cash!" Larry eyes Bink
wildly. "Now, what should they do, audience?" "Risk it all!"
the audience yells.
"We’ll risk it all!" Larry
yells. "No, we won’t!" Balki yells. "Yes, we will!" Larry
shouts. "No, we won’t!" Balki also shouts. "Yes, we
will!"
"No, we won’t!" Larry finally grabs Balki and pulls his head down so
he can’t answer, yelling, "We’ll risk it all!" "They’re
gonna risk it all!" Bink announces. The audience applauds excitedly.
Larry
lets go of Balki, who steps up to Bink and says seriously, "Bink . . . I
know you can’t help yourself but you’re really starting to flea and tick me
off." Bink calmly motions for Balki to return to the podium. "Now, in
order for you to keep the car and win the trip and the cash, you’re gonna have
to either answer the question or do all the stunts you didn’t do on your way
to the bonus round," Bink explains, "Plus one more! Kelly?"
Kelly
steps out and says, "That’s right, Bink! It’s Bobbing for
Bananas!" Two women dressed in banana costumes step out and walk over to
stand next to Balki and Larry. Balki leans over to look into the mouth of the
one costumed lady closest to him.
"Now, for your trip around the world,
here is your question." Bink looks at the stack of cards in his hand,
eyeing the first one and 
looking at Larry questioningly. Bink tosses aside the
first card and reads the second, which he also discards. After reading the third
card, Bink smiles wickedly at them and proceeds. "What land did the Roman
Emperor Claudius annex in 43 A.D.?" "Oh my Lord!" Larry cries as
Balki is still thinking. "Now, do you want to answer the question or do the
stunt?" Bink asks. Larry, in a panic, says, "Balki, I don’t know the
answer. We’re gonna have to do the stunts!" Larry hits the
"Stunt" button as Balki gets a look of realization on his face. "They’re gonna do the stunts!" Bink announces and the audience
cheers. "Cousin, why did you do that?" Balki asks, "The answer is
Great Britain!" "Great Britain," Larry shouts, "The answer
is Great Britain!" "Good answer! And a right answer!" Bink says
excitedly. Larry starts yelling, "Yes! Yes!" and grabbing Balki until
Bink points out, "But a late answer. You chose the stunts."
"What
do you mean a late answer?" Larry asks angrily, "I want that
trip!"
"Gentlemen, you’ll have three
minutes," Bink explains, "Remember, if you don’t complete all the
stunts before the buzzer sounds, you’ll lose the car, the trip, the cash . . .
everything. But . . . to make sure that you go from one stunt to the next in
style you’ll be 
riding the Risk it All commode cab. Kelly!" Kelly steps
out with a toilet set on a tiled platform with wheels. "That’s right,
Bink," she says, "It’s an American Imperial Whisper Flush with a
patent cushion seat, compliments of Cunningham Hardware, Milwaukee,
Wisconsin." "Ready?" Bink asks, as the banana ladies escort Larry
to the toilet seat and Balki behind it to push. Balki is excited but Larry is
worried. "Set!" Bink calls as they get into place. "Go!"
Balki starts pushing Larry to their first stunt. Bink explains to the audience
that the first stunt is Sit On It where they have to sit on the balloons to
break them. Balki and Larry
jump into the ring and proceed to sit on the balloon as whipped cream splatters
all over their behinds. They manage to burst four balloons and Larry returns to
the commode cab but Balki continues to break balloons and Larry has to run back
and pull him away from the stunt. "Balki! Balki! Come on!" Larry
urges.
Balki pushes Larry to the toilet and Larry
falls across the seat as Balki pushes him to the next stunt, Dueling Buckets.
Balki stops 
at the stunt and Larry’s head hits the side of it as Balki
announces, "We’re here!" Larry stumbles off the toilet, looking dazed.
"Okay, all you have to do is throw the bean bag, hit the target and pour a
bucket of schmutz down on Balki’s head," Bink explains. Balki stands
between the buckets above him as Larry takes the basket of bean bags and throws
the first one at the target, but misses. Larry hits the target on the right the
second time and then proceeds to hit the target on the left with his next bean
bag, as a very happy Balki is covered with schmutz. Larry returns to the commode
cab seat and Balki runs at Bink, wanting to hug him but Bink warns, "Get
away!" Balki pushes the "cab" to the next stunt as Larry motions
for him to hurry up. They reach the Wheel of Schmutz and Balki stops suddenly,
causing Larry to pitch forward off the seat. "Now, on the Wheel of Schmutz,"
Bink explains, "you have to reach into the buckets of schmutz and grab four
necklaces and put them around your neck." Balki and Larry reach into the
buckets which are spinning on a wheel and feel for the necklaces, which they
pull out and put on as they find them, getting schmutz all over themselves.
Bink
counts off until they have four and can move on.
Larry kneels over the toilet on the
commode cab as Balki pushes him to the next stunt, Flying Chickens. Larry grabs
a bucket of 
barbecue sauce and runs a distance away as Balki asks
"Ready?" then catapults one of the rubber chickens into the air.
Larry
catches it as it comes back down in the bucket, splattering him with barbecue
sauce. They then switch places and Larry catapults a chicken but Balki misses
catching it the first time. On the second try Balki manages to catch it in the
bucket. Balki tries to hand the bucket to Bink but Bink backs away, motioning
for him to set it aside and move on. Larry, looking exhausted, sits on the
commode cab and acts casual as Balki pushes him to the last stunt, Bobbing for
Bananas. Balki labors in pushing the "cab," as he is also tired.
They
reach the tank of fudge as Bink explains, "You get to pull out four bananas
without using your hands." Balki and Larry put their hands behind their
backs and stick their faces down into the fudge, searching for the bananas and
pulling them out with their teeth.
Bink counts as Balki gets one and then
Larry gets one. Balki pulls out a third banana and throws it aside, hitting Bink
squarely in the lower stomach and covering his suit with fudge. "There’s
three!" Bink says, fuming. Bink and the audience start counting down the last
five seconds until the buzzer sounds, followed by a loser’s sound. "Oh!" Bink says as Balki lifts his head from the fudge while Larry
keeps his head in, still searching for the last banana. "Too bad,"
Bink says gleefully, "You’re all out of time. You lose everything!"
The audience sighs, "Aw!" Balki grabs Larry by the back of his
jumpsuit collar and pulls him up out of the fudge, saying, "Cousin. Cousin.
Time’s up." "I can’t lose!" Larry cries, "I want that
trip!" Larry dives back into the fudge as Balki pulls him up again.
"Cousin. Cousin. Cousin! It’s over. It’s over.
We lost
everything." Larry lets his face fall back into the fudge in despair.
"How about it? Weren’t they great?" Bink asks the audience and Balki
waves as they applaud.
Later that evening Balki and Larry return
to their apartment, Balki switching on the light as they enter. "Hey, Balki,"
Larry says in a casual voice as he drops his jacket on the coffee table,
"so we didn’t win the big prize. The important thing is I got everything
I need for my article. Hey, I’m a reporter. I had a job to do and I did it.
I
should be proud of myself. I should feel good." "But you feel like
schmutz," Balki states. Larry starts to cry. Balki lets Larry lean on his
shoulder and pats his back, saying, "Cousin . . . " 
"I coulda had
a trip around the world!" Larry whines, "I coulda had a sports car.
I
look good in a sports car." "Yeah, I know, Cousin . . . it’s
okay," Balki assures him, "It’s all right, it’ll pass. This, too,
will pass." Balki sits on the couch with Larry. "But I wanted to
win," Larry whines. "Now look," Balki begins, "We didn’t
lose everything. We got to go on television. We got to stick our heads in
chocolate fudge! You got to ride around on a toilet!" "And you see
that as a good thing?" Larry asks. "It is a good thing!"
Balki insists, "It’s good to let your hair fall out once in a
while." "Well, it was kinda fun when those chickens were flying,"
Larry admits. "Bobbing for Bananas was a blast," Balki points out.
"You know, Balki, if I had just had five more seconds I think I could have
gotten that last banana." "There is one way to find out," Balki
says, wiggling his eyebrows in a teasing manner. "I’ll get the bananas,
you fill the sink with chocolate fudge," Larry suggests, and they hurry to
the kitchen as the episode ends.
Script Variations:
There are a number of differences between the
second draft script dated January 13, 1989 and the aired episode:
- The
most interesting thing about this version of the script is it includes a segment
that would be taken from this script and used in the show Prose and Cons.
The episode starts with Larry typing at his desk and Lydia picking up her
mail. Lydia says, "Boy, being an advice columnist used to be
easy. People wanted to know about skin problems. Should they kiss on
the first date?" Indicating her mail, she says, "[To] help some
of these sickos, you'd need a degree in psychology." The elevator
doors open and Harriette pokes her head out and ducks back in, trying to close
the door quickly. "Wait a second, Harriette," Lydia stops her,
"I'm going up." "Well, hurry up before Balki gets
here," Harriette urges. "Why?" Lydia asks. "Just
move it, girl," Harriette says. Lydia walks to the elevator as Balki
enters from the Archives and sees Harriette. "Harriette!
Harriette!" Balki calls, "Remember you said I could drive the elevator
today." "I said today, baby?" Harriette asks.
"You sure did," Balki assures her, "I've been looking forward to
this all day." "Go ahead, Harriette," Lydia says,
"What's the harm?" Harriette says to Lydia, "You'll
see." Balki enters the elevator and says, "Oh goody. Now,
don't worry. I remember everything you taught me." "Just
make sure you don't accelerate too fast," Harriette warns. "No
problem," Balki says, closing the doors and then asking, "What does
accelerate mean?" This is when Mr. Wainwright enters and gives Larry
the assignment to go on Risk It All. Interestingly, when Mr. Wainwright
tells Larry that Marshall and Walpole recommended him for the job Larry
comments, "They did? I didn't even know they knew my
name." Apparently this was written before Larry had become part of
the investigative reporting team. After Wainwright leaves, we hear
Harriette and Lydia screaming "Stop!" off stage. The elevator
doors open and Balki, Lydia and Harriette are all on the floor.
"Wow. This thing can stop on a dime," Balki comments, "I'm
just going to go punch out, then I'll try it again. I think I'm getting
the hang of it." "Yeah, you go punch out baby. I'll try to
find my contacts," Harriette says. "We could have been
killed," Lydia complains. They shut the elevator doors to Balki can't
run it again.
- After
Larry tells Balki about being on the game show, Balki says it's his favorite
show and mentions the host and co-hostess, commenting about Kelly, "Who is
rumored to have the most beautiful arms in show business." Larry
tells Balki to tell him about it in the car. In this version Balki doesn't
try to call anyone and he doesn't talk about Kelly's book.
- At
the studio, when Balki and Larry are waiting backstage in their suits (called
coveralls and not jumpsuits) Larry says, "I'm going to humiliate myself in
front of the entire city of Chicago." "Not just Chicago,
Cousin," Balki corrects him, "'Risk It All' is the number one
syndicated show in eleven out of thirteen major markets." Jennifer
and Mary Anne enter. "Hi, guys," Jennifer offers.
"Nice outfits," Mary Anne comments. "Jennifer, Mary Anne,
what are you doing here?" Larry asks. "We came to wish you good
luck," Jennifer explains. "I called them from the pay phone
while you were looking for a pair of coveralls that would make you look
taller," Balki says. "We just wanted to wish you luck,"
Jennifer says, "Harriette and Lydia are saving our seats."
"They're here, too?" Larry asks. "Cousin, we wouldn't want
them to miss it," Balki says.
- After
Balki gushes over the stunts and bows to Dueling Buckets he greets Kelly and
says, "And I don't believe that story about you posing for those
photographs before you became a star. They put your face on somebody
else's body, didn't they?" Larry crosses to Balki and admonishes him,
saying, "Balki, we're on television." "Oh, right.
Where are my manners?" Balki asks and then looks into the camera and says
hi. Instead of kicking Balki back onstage, Kelly leads him to the
podium. In the audience, Mary Anne says, "I thought about becoming a
game show hostess like Kelly Langston." "Why didn't you?"
Harriette asks. "I decided I didn't want to spend my life faking
smiles, pretending to be nice to people and always having to look my best,"
Mary Anne answers. Jennifer then says to Harriette, "So she became a
stewardess."
- After
Larry finds out he can just answer the questions and says he wants to answer the
first one, Balki says, "Cousin, we didn't talk it over."
"No need to," Larry says, "I know the answer."
"Yes, but that's part of the game," Balki explains, "We put our
heads together like this and talk it over while the audience yells, 'The stunt,
the stunt!'" "Guys, it's a thirty minute show," Bink
reminds them, " Could you move it along?" "One minute, Bink,"
Larry says, then to Balki, "Look, I have a plan." "Oh,
God," Balki sighs, "You're gong to wring the fun right out of this,
aren't you?" Larry then goes on to talk about how the paper sent him
and that he just wants to answer questions, win some money and leave.
Balki then says, "Well, I've got a plan, too. I'm going to get to the
stunt button first." Larry then beats him to the button.
- After
Larry answers the second question, Balki simply tells him, "Of course you
know, this means war." The scene ends there but the commercial break
is later on.
- After
they finish the cash round (and win only five hundred dollars instead of one
thousand) the show goes off the air and Bink tells Balki and Larry, "Do me
a favor, take the cash and go home." He then tells the stage manager
he wants to see whoever booked them on the show in his dressing room, " . .
. now!" Larry says he's ready to quit and Balki says,
"Quit? Before the prize round? Nobody does that. That's
where you win the wonderful prizes from the Spiegel Catalog." While
Balki mentions Alien, Larry does not pull on his t-shirt in this version.
Instead, after Balki says he's not a greedy person, Larry says, "No?
We've already won five hundred dollars and you want more. You want a big
screen TV. What next? A yacht? A mansion? World
domination? What does that sound like to you?" "It sounds
like the greed monster has me by the nose hairs," Balki admits.
- When
says the big question is whether or not Balki and Larry will keep their money or
risk it all, Balki says, "We can give you our answer now, Bink."
Bink smiles and says, "Why don't we do the show the way we've always done
it? Okay? Let me show you what you'll be playing for."
After they see the beautiful car and Bink asks if they want to risk it all,
Balki says, "Bink. I know you mean no harm, but I'm going to be
strong and . . . " Larry then screams "Risk It All!" and
this is where the commercial break comes.
- When
Larry says "Give me the question and give me the car," Balki notes,
"Cousin, if I didn't know better, I'd say the greed monster had you by the
throat." The question asked for the car is "In the 1950's, who
was 'Mr. Television?" Larry immediately answers correctly with
"Milton Berle." Balki is amazed and says, "Cousin, we won a
new car! Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy."
"The hell with the Dance of Joy," Larry says, "What's
next?" When Larry gets excited about the bonus round, the description
of him in the script is "Larry's Evil Twin."
- After
Bink tells Larry the bonus prize is a trip around the world, Balki says,
"It's mostly water, Cousin. Forget it. We've got to get out of
here. The greed is up to your eyeballs." "Greed is
good," Larry insists, "Greed is right. Greed works. I want
that trip." "What should they do, audience?" Bink
asks. "Keep the car!" yells Lydia. "Keep the
car!" yells Harriette. "Keep the car!" agrees
Jennifer. "Keep the car, but get a blue one!" Mary Anne
calls. Bink then says, "Hey, did I mention that you can take four of
your friends with you?" "Go for the trip!" yell Jennifer,
Mary Anne, Harriette and Lydia. "I want that trip!" Larry
says. Balki says to the girls, "You're not helping." After
Larry keeps Balki from talking and says they'll risk it all, Balki says to Bink,
"I know you can't hepl yourself, Bink, but you're really starting to make
me angry."
- The
directions for the stunts are very simple, reading, "Balki pushes Larry
down on the toilet seat and they take off. They go from one stunt to the
next. They do the "Wheel of Schmutz," "Sit On It,"
"Flying Chickens," and "Dueling Buckets." Finally they
get to the bananas. Time is running out. Balki sticks his head in
the fudge and gets out a banana. Larry does the same. Balki gets
another banana. As Bink counts down the final seconds, Larry tries to get
the last banana. His head is in the fudge as time runs out. A loud,
annoying buzzer goes off. Bink signs off by saying, "How about
it? Weren't they great? Well, that's all for today. And
remember, it's not worth having if you don't . . . " "Risk It
All!" the audience yells. "So long, everybody," Bink
finishes.
- Back
at the apartment when Larry says he should feel good Balki notes, "And now
you feel awful." After Balki assures Larry that this too will pass,
Larry says, "I can't believe I got sucked into all that craziness. I
thought I was above that kind of thing." "What kind of thing,
having fun?" Balki asks. "I thought I was going to be
different," Larry explains, "Instead, I turned out to be just like
those lunatics you watch on TV every night." "But, Cousin,
there's nothing wrong with that. People go on the show to have
fun." "I wanted to win," Larry complains. "Well,
sure it would have been nice to win," Balki agrees, "But the best part
is having fun along the way. And if I'm not mistaken, I did see a twinkle
in your eye when the chickens were flying through the air."
"Well, the chickens were fun," Larry admits begrudgingly, "But, I
wanted to win." Balki explains they didn't lose everything and the
rest is the same as in the aired show until Larry says he thinks he could have
gotten the last banana with five more seconds and Balki says, "There is one
way to find out. We have our lovely parting gift. The home version
of 'Risk It All.'" Balki holds up the home version. "I'll
get the bananas, you whip up five gallons of chocolate fudge," Larry says,
and they begin to open the game.
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