Nielsen Rating: 14.8 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 62 - Crimebusters
First Air Date: January 20, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.8 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Richard Kuss: Chief Of Police
Richard McGonagle: Alderman Zittrell
Jack McGee: Policeman in Bar
Special Guest Star:
Reginald Veljohnson as Carl Winslow
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
Balki-isms:
"Cousin Larry is on the verge of a
very big perversion!"
"If he gets it, he’ll feel five
feet tall."
"Your ship has finally hit the
fan."
"Don’t you think that Mushmouth and
Polevault started out where you’re starting out?"
" . . . and the rest, as they say, is
hysterectomy."
"I’ll get the antacid."
"Carl is interested in
sculpting?"
"I have been on the street as long as
you have! We left the house at the same time."
"Cousin . . . cut the Bullwinkle!"
" . . . and someday you’re gonna be
just as famous as Maytag and Whirlpool."
" . . . patience is a virgin."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Yes! Yes!"
"Wwowww!"
"I don’t think so."
"That is correct."
"Balki, Balki, Balki . . . "
"Oh my Lord!"
"Hi!" in stereo
"Well, you got that right!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki looks into Larry’s mouth as Larry’s
trying to explain how to pronounce a word
Making fun (deliberately or not) of Larry's height
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry drinking antacid (although he doesn’t
actually get to drink it this time)
Balki answers the phone by saying something silly
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Larry pulls an Appleton Snow Job (by
convincing Balki that Carl was speaking to him in code)
Larry tells Balki to think about it and
Balki look as if he is thinking hard
Balki gets flustered and says something to
the effect of "All I know is I was . . . . " then goes into a funny
description of something he was doing beforehand
Notable Moments:
- Larry starts working for
the investigative reporting team, Marshall and Walpole.
- Carl Winslow is introduced as Harriette’s
husband and they move into Balki and Larry’s building.
Interesting facts:
- The first time this episode aired on
network television it was sponsored by Maybelline cosmetics.
- There was a 1961 foreign film entitled The
Crimebusters, but it’s not clear if this is how the name of the episode
was derived.
- This is the episode which introduced
Reginald Veljohnson as Harriette’s husband, Carl Winslow. The Winslows moved
into Balki and Larry’s apartment building and were to be their neighbors but
ended up getting a spin-off series of their own, 
Family Matters, the following
season (it should be noted that Harriette even tells Balki that the discussion
between her and Carl is a "family matter" in this episode!). Apart
from his role as Carl on Family Matters, Veljohnson is probably best
known for his role in the original Die Hard movie.
- Harriette mentions her son going through
phone withdrawal . . . this would end up being their oldest son Eddie, no doubt.
- When this episode was repeated on
network television the second time the line about Carl having cocaine on his
lips instead of powdered sugar was censored. The line has subsequently been put
back for syndicated showings.
- In this episode Larry and Balki share
their excitement over success by pumping their fists out and making a kind of
macho grunting sound. This was the precursor of their synchronized success move
in which they act as if they are holding something in their hand and then pull
it back suddenly, as if they have snatched success.
- Larry finally becomes part of the
investigative reporting team in this episode. The paper didn’t even have an
investigative reporting team until Larry suggested it to the owner of the
newspaper, Mr. Endicott, earlier in the season in the episode High Society.
The Chronicle’s investigative reporting team, Marshall and Walpole, were
mentioned many times in the series from his point on but were never actually
seen. The idea of Marshall and Walpole is loosely based on Woodward and
Bernstein, the investigative reporters who helped uncovered the Watergate
scandal in the early 1970's.
- Balki answers the phone in this episode with a
silly joke. He would do this a few times in the series but it never became
a really steady running joke.
- Balki’s photographic memory is
mentioned several times throughout the series and it comes in handy again this
time when Balki can remember the address of the restaurant Carl was going to for
Larry.
- The Side Show restaurant shown in the
establishing shot was, in fact, the Side Show Bar located at 6818 Hollywood
Blvd. just west of Highland Avenue. More recently the location has been occupied
by Boulevard Tattoo. In the episode, Balki gives the address of the restaurant
as 6818 West Fullerton . . . using the actual street number of the real bar!
- Character actor Richard McGonagle, who
played Alderman Zittell in this episode, made a notable appearance on a two-part
episode of Family Ties entitled My Name is Alex in which he plays
Father Timothy, the monk whom Alex Keaton speaks to when sorting out his life
after the death of a close friend. He also had a recurring role as Emmett in Party
of Five and as Dr. Howard in 3rd Rock from the Sun. More
recently he has had recurring roles in the drama series The Practice, Close
to Home and JAG, as well as providing voices for characters in Clone
Wars, Duck Dodgers and Ben 10.
- Jack McGee, who played the policeman in
the bar in this episode, also is a very prolific character actor who has had
recurring roles in the series NYPD Blue, Malcolm in the Middle and Rescue
Me.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- At the end of the episode Piano Movers,
Balki mentions that he and Larry won’t have to help Harriette move into their
building until the following week. Seven episodes aired between that one and
this one where they finally do move into their building. That was a long week!
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle. Larry is sitting at his desk and Balki is standing to one
side; both of them are looking at the phone intensely. The elevator door opens
and Harriette steps out, walking up to them. "Mind if I use your
phone?" she asks, reaching for it. "Don’t touch that phone!"
Larry cries, holding on to it so she can’t pick up the receiver. "You
wanna rephrase that, baby?" Harriette asks in a threatening manner. Larry
stands up and says, "I’m sorry, Harriette. I . . . I just mean I am
expecting a very important phone call." "Cousin Larry is on the verge
of a very big perversion!" Balki adds. "Promotion," Larry
corrects, "Very big promotion. And I really can’t talk about it.
It’s
very hush-hush." "Oh, is that the job on the investigative reporting
team working with Marshall and Walpole?" Harriette asks. Balki and Larry
exchange a surprised glance. "How did you know?" Larry asks.
"People talk in elevators," Harriette explains, "I listen."
"Cousin, there’s an idea!" Balki suggests, "You should wait in
the elevator. That’s where all the news is!"
"Well, I hope you get your call
soon," Harriette says, "I’ve got to call the phone company. You
know, we moved in your building three days ago and still haven’t gotten our
phone hooked up?" "Really?" Balki asks. "My son is going
through phone 
withdrawal," Harriette adds. The phone rings and Larry tries
to grab it but fumbles the receiver, which gets tangled up with the desk lamp.
Balki ends up with the receiver and pulls it to his ear. "Hello?
Hello? Yes! Yes! He’s standing right here! I’m his cousin . . . he’s my cousin .
. . " Larry pulls the receiver away from Balki. "Appleton," Larry
says seriously into the receiver, saying, "Yes. Yes!" He hangs up the
phone and shouts, "Yes! That was Marshall and Walpole. They want to see me
upstairs right away," Larry says as he grabs his jacket from the back of
his chair and puts it on, "You know what that means?" "Yeah, that
means I can use the phone now," Harriette answers. "Be my guest,"
Larry offers. "Cousin, good luck!" Balki offers. "Good luck,
baby," Harriette adds. Larry runs to the stairs, sliding slightly on the
turn, and hurries up the steps. "Look at those little legs go!"
Harriette comments. Larry runs out through the doors upstairs.
"Oh Harriette, this job means so much
to Cousin Larry," Balki says, "If he gets it, he’ll feel five feet
tall." Harriette gives Balki a 
strange look. Harriette’s husband, Carl,
who is dressed in a policeman’s uniform, enters through the parking garage and
walks up to Harriette. "Hey, baby!" he smiles. "Hi, sweetums,"
Harriette responds and they share a quick kiss. "Hi, Balki!" Carl
offers. "Hi, Carl!" Balki smiles, shaking Carl’s hand. "Hey,
Balki, I brought you some more wanted posters for your collection," Carl
says, handing Balki a stack of papers. "Oh, thank you, Carl!" Balki
gasps, then says to Harriette, "I’m so glad you’re married to a
policeman." Balki sorts through the papers as if they were baseball cards,
noting, "Got it. Got it. Need it!" He looks at the next page and says,
"Oh, Carl! A Joey the Fish rookie card . . . first offense! Oh, thank you,
Carl!" "You’re welcome," Carl smiles. "Come here,"
Harriette says to Carl, who steps toward her. Balki steps closer to her as well
and she has to say, "Not you, baby." Balki steps away.
Harriette leans over and kisses Carl on
the lips again. "Mmmm!" Carl smiles. "How come your lips taste so
sweet?" Harriette asks, "Is that powdered sugar on your mouth?"
"No, no, no. It’s not sugar!" Carl insists, "It’s . . . um,
uh . . . cocaine! Yeah, we made a big bust and I had to taste the stuff to make
sure it was real." Carl makes a nasty face, spitting and saying, "Ptewy
. . . fools that use that junk." "Don’t lie to me," Harriette
says, "You’ve been eatin’ donuts." "Oh Carl, did you have
some of those ones we always have together?" Balki asks, walking up to
Carl, "Oh, you did! Look there’s a little jelly on your thing, and there’s
some crumbs under there . . . " Balki points to Carl’s fur collar and
Carl motions for Balki to stop talking. "Uh, excuse me, baby,"
Harriette interrupts, "This is a family matter and you’re in the line of
fire." "Oh, I beg your pardon," Balki says, "Beg your
pardon. If anybody needs me I’ll be over there separating the assault from the
battery." Balki heads for his worktable.
Harriette turns on Carl. "How many
donuts did you eat?" "None!" Carl insists. "How many?"
Harriette asks. "Just one," Carl 
replies. "How many?"
Harriette asks more firmly. "All right, two, okay? Two!"
"How
many??" Harriette nags. "All right, nine!" Carl confesses,
"And I’m paying the price! Now lookie here, I didn’t come here to
argue. I just came to tell ya that I won’t be home for dinner. They got me
workin’ undercover." "Oh, I worry when you work undercover,"
Harriette says sweetly. "Oh well now, don’t worry," Carl assures
her, "Don’t worry. I’ll be all right. And I’ll be home before you
know it. Come here." He gives her a big kiss. "See you later," he
smiles, then says, "Bye, Balki!" Balki is sitting on top of his work
table looking through the wanted posters. "Bye, Carl! Thanks again for Joey
the Fish!" "Hey, I’m just glad I could get him for ya," Carl
says, "He’s gonna be big!" Balki looks excited and goes back to
looking through the posters. Carl laughs and heads for the door, but Harriette
says, "I’ll walk you to your car." "Oh no, no, no!" Carl
insists, "No need to do that. I know the way." Harriette grabs Carl’s
arm and asks, "Carl . . . you got food in that car, dontcha?" Harriette walks past him to the parking garage.
"Now . . . " Carl
moans, " . . . it’s just a little somethin’ for the guys down at the
station. A small case of Ding Dongs!" Carl exits after her.
Larry rushes through the door upstairs
shouting, "Balki!" "Cousin!" Balki calls, catching Larry’s
excitement. Larry rushes down 
the stairs calling "Balki!" and Balki
jumps off the table to meet him at the foot of the staircase, calling back
"Cousin!" each time. Larry jumps the last steps into Balki’s arms
and holds onto him around the middle as Balki spins him around once and sets him
down. "You are looking at Larry Appleton, investigative reporter!"
They high five each other then do an early version of their synchronized success
move (see Interesting Facts above). They walk to Larry’s desk. "Oh
Cousin, congratulations!" Balki smiles, "Your ship has finally hit the
fan. How fat is your big, fat raise?" "Well, they didn’t give me a
raise as such," Larry explains. "Well, no need to be greedy,"
Balki agrees, "After all, you got that fancy new office." "Well,
they thought it would be best if I stayed right here," Larry says,
motioning to his desk. "Well . . . well, you got that company car you
wanted," Balki tries. "Well . . . no," Larry admits. "Stationery?"
"No." "Business cards?" "No." "Pencils with your name on them?"
"No." "Cousin, work with me here," Balki complains, "I’m trying hard
to keep up my enthusiasm."
"Balki, those things don’t
matter," Larry explains, "This is a big break for me. I am on the
investigative reporting team of the 
Chicago Chronicle. I’ll be out there
digging up the facts, exposing scandals, writing the hard news. Balki, for the
first time I am a real reporter." The phone on his desk rings and Larry
picks it up. "Appleton . . . assistant research liaison to the
investigative reporting team of Marshall and Walpole." He cups his hand
over the phone and says to Balki, "They did give me a title." "Wwowww!"
Balki says. "Yes, sir, Mr. Walpole," Larry continues on the phone,
then lowers the receiver to his chest and tells Balki, "This could be my
first assignment." Larry tosses the receiver to Balki and picks up a
notepad and pencil. Balki holds the receiver so Larry can listen and talk while
taking notes. "Yes, sir," Larry says, "I’m ready. Got it!
Got
it!" Larry takes the receiver from Balki and hangs it up. "What is it,
Cousin?" Balki asks, "Crime? Scandal? Hard news?"
"Hard
salami," Larry answers, looking disappointed, "They want me to get
them lunch." "Well, you still got that snappy title," Balki
points out. Larry isn’t consoled as he tears the top page off the notepad and
tosses the pad aside.
That night Balki and Larry enter their
apartment and Balki turns on the light. "Well, Balki . . . my first day as
an investigative reporter and the only thing I exposed was some fatty corned
beef," Larry complains. "Oh, come on, Cousin. Don’t be
discouraged," Balki says, leading Larry around to the couch, "Your
dream is coming true. Come on! You’re a member of the 
investigative reporting
team. Don’t you think that Mushmouth and Polevault started out where you’re
starting out?" "Marshall and Walpole," Larry corrects.
"All
right, all right, look," Balki begins, making Larry sit on the couch with
him, "I read all about them. I know that they started out at the bottom
writing a little tiny pieces for the paper, and then they moved on to the
features department, and they writing bigger stories and then after a few years
they stumbled onto that milk scandal and the rest, as they say, is
hysterectomy." Larry, whose eyes opened wide when Balki mentioned the milk
scandal, says, "You know, Balki, you’re right." He sits up.
"You’ve shown me what I have to do." "And not for the first
time, either," Balki adds, "Cousin, I’m glad you’re seeing that
patience is the key." "What patience?" Larry asks, "Patience
is for losers. I don’t have time for patience. What I need is a sensational
story that’ll launch me right to the top, just like Marshall and Walpole.
But
right now I’m gonna get a good night’s sleep. I’m gonna get up at
three-thirty . . . go hang out at night court." "Love that show!"
Balki says. "There’s bound to be something happening down there,"
Larry finishes, heading for his bedroom.
As Larry passes the front door there is a
knocking. Larry opens the door and Carl steps inside. "Hi, guys," he
says. "Hi, Carl," 
Balki and Larry reply. "Listen, uh, Harriette
and I still don’t have our phone yet," Carl explains, "I’m really
sorry to bother you but I’m expectin’ a real important phone call from
headquarters and I told them they could reach me here. I hope you guys don’t
mind if I kinda hang around a little while." "No, it’s no
problem," Balki says. "No, come on in," Larry says at the same
time. "All right!" Carl says happily, stepping into the apartment.
"Uh, look, Carl, uh . . . I don’t mean to seem rude but I gotta get some
shuteye. I’m exhausted," Larry explains, shaking Carl’s hand.
"Oh,
okay," Carl smiles. "Goodnight," Larry offers. "Goodnight," Carl replies.
Larry heads for his bedroom and Balki sits
down on the couch with Carl. "So, Carl, how’s it going?" Balki asks.
"Oh great!" Carl answers, "We’re this close to busting a big
politician." Larry stops at his bedroom door and turns around to come back
into the living room. "But hey, I can sleep tomorrow!" he announces,
"Let’s talk!" Larry sits on the couch with them. "Cousin . . .
I thought you were going to bed," Balki notes. "Well, suddenly I feel
wide awake," Larry smiles, "Guess I’m getting my second wind."
"I’ll get the antacid," Balki says, getting up and walking into the
kitchen.
"So, Carl," Larry begins, moving
closer to Carl on the couch, "Uh, you’re closing in on a corrupt
politician?" "Yeah, I really wanna 
nail this guy," Carl answers,
"We’re about to spring a trap for him and a big mob kingpin." Balki
is standing at the entrance to the kitchen holding two different bottles of
antacid. "Cousin, you want mint or original formula?" Balki asks.
"Original formula," Larry answers, then returns to his conversation
with Carl. "Yeah," Carl continues, "he’s been takin’ bribes
from the mob for years." "Cousin, uh, you want a spoon or will you be
chug-a-lugging tonight?" Balki asks from the kitchen. "Chug-a-lugging.
Chug-a-lugging," Larry answers, then asks Carl, "So uh, this
politician . . . we talking local? State? Federal? Appointed?
Elected? Did I
vote for him? Did you vote for him? Nod if I’m getting warm."
"Uh,
Larry I really can’t say any more about it," Carl explains, "This is
official police business and I’ve got to remember I’m talking to a member of
The Chronicle’s investigative reporting team. I wouldn’t want to see this on
the front page." Larry laughs with Carl.
The phone on the kitchen counter rings and
Balki answers it, "Larry and Balki’s Water Works . . . which drip do you
want to talk 
to?" Balki laughs at his own joke. Balki then says,
"Carl, it’s for you." "That’s my call!" Carl says,
getting up to walk to the counter. Balki tosses the receiver to Carl who catches
it and says, "Two points!" Call talks into the receiver, saying,
"Hello? Yeah. It’s goin’ down tonight? All right!"
Larry is
hanging on Carl’s every word as Balki is trying to open one of the bottles of
antacid. "Oh . . . child proof cap," Balki reads on the bottle.
He
starts to try to open it with his teeth and while Carl is talking he reaches
over and takes the bottle from Balki and opens it for him. "Okay, you make
sure the Alderman is there and I’ll bring Carmine," Carl says into the
phone, "Right. Uh huh. Okay. No, he doesn’t suspect a thing.
Listen, what’s
the address to the restaurant?" Carl writes down the information on a pad
of paper by the phone as Balki puts the cap back on the antacid, trying to
figure out how Carl got it open so easily but is unable to open it again. "Uh huh.
Uh huh," Carl
continues, "Okay, got it. All right, I’ll see you in twenty minutes.
Bye." Carl hangs up the phone and takes the top page from the notebook
before turning to leave.
"Listen, fellas, I really shouldn’t
have said all I said about the case I’m workin’ on. You know, if it ever got
out I could get in a lot of 
trouble. But you two guys are my friends and I know
that you won’t say anything to anybody." "Carl, don’t worry,"
Balki assures him, "because your secret is safe with us." "Thanks," Carl says, starting to leave.
But Balki continues, "If
anybody knows how to keep a secret, we are those people." "Thank
you," Carl offers, again trying to leave. But Balki again continues,
"So once again, Carl, don’t worry." "All right," Carl
forces a smile. "Because your secret is safe with us." "Gee,
thanks," Carl offers facetiously as he finally gets out the door. "What secret is he talking about?" Balki asks Larry.
Larry has that
devious look in his eyes. "I think Carl is going to make a big bust,"
he answers. "That’s the secret?" Balki asks, "Carl is
interested in sculpting?" "Not that kind of bust," Larry
explains. Balki motions to his chest and Larry quickly says, "No!
A bust
means Carl is going to arrest a crooked politician who is involved with
organized crime. This is the story I’m looking for!"
Larry hurries to the kitchen counter where
he picks up the notepad Carl had been writing upon. "All I have to do is
rub a pencil across this pad then I can make out the impression and find out
where the arrest is going to happen," Larry says, and he starts rubbing the
pencil on the pad. "Cousin, Cousin, why would you want to do that?"
Balki asks. "Because I am going to put this story on the front page of the
Chronicle!" Larry smiles maniacally. "On the front page?" Balki
cries, "Someone might see it!" "Not just someone," Larry
contradicts, "Everyone!" Balki snatches the notepad away from Larry.
Larry starts to rub with the pencil again but realizes the pad isn’t in his
hand any more. "Cousin, I don’t think so," Balki says, "We
promised Carl that we would keep this a secret and I intend to keep our
word." Larry looks shocked and Balki acts defiant as the scene fades to
black.
Act two begins where act one left off.
"Give me the pad!" we hear Larry say over the establishing shot of the
apartment at night. 
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt and pulls his close to his
face. "Balki! I need the address on that pad. When Carl makes the arrest I’ve
got to be there. This is my big story! This is my ticket to the big time!"
"Well, in this case, you don’t have a ticket to ride," Balki
counters, holding up the pad, "Cousin, Carl told us to keep this a secret
and I intend to do it!" Larry releases Balki’s shirt and acts nice.
"Well, hey hey hey . . . I don’t have a problem with that." He pulls
Balki’s hand with the pad toward him and lets it go, so Balki’s hand is palm
up with the pad on top. "You keep it a secret. But give me the
pad." Larry hits the bottom of Balki’s hand so the notepad flies up and
Larry grabs it. Balki chases Larry around the counter until they end up on
opposite sides, Larry in the kitchen and Balki sitting on a stool on the other
side. "Cousin, if you build a career by betraying a friend you’ll hate
yourself!" Balki points out. "I’d get over it," Larry assures
him. Balki playfully fingers the counter and one of the bottles of antacid
before quickly snatching the pad out of Larry’s hand. It takes Larry a second
to realize he doesn’t have the pad and he chases Balki into the living room.
Balki runs to the fireplace and grabs he
small chimney broom there as Larry runs over the couch toward him. Balki holds
the broom out as a weapon and Larry stands, poised, on the arm of the couch.
"Stand back!" Balki warns, "Or I’ll sweep you into 
tomorrow!" Larry backs up only slightly as Balki holds up the pad
tauntingly. "Balki . . . give me that pad!" Larry insists.
Larry
inches forward but Balki threatens Larry with the broom again, making him back
off. "No, Cousin," Balki says, "This is wrong! Carl don’t want
us to have this information!" "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Larry sighs, sitting
on the back of the couch, "So that’s what’s bothering you."
"Yes," Balki agrees, looking confused at Larry’s sudden change in
demeanor. "You think Carl doesn’t want us to have that information?"
Larry asks. "That is correct," Balki agrees hesitantly. "Well,
Balki no, that is not correct," Larry argues, "The truth . . . the
truth is . . . " Larry makes his voie more sincere. "The truth . . .
is that Carl wants me to have that address. You see, this is the way information
is passed from undercover cops to investigative reporters." "But if .
. . if Carl wanted you to have this information why he didn’t just come out
and say it?" "Well, he couldn’t do that!" Larry says.
"No?" Balki asks. "No! He’d get into trouble.
We wouldn’t
want that to happen now, would we?" "Nooo," Balki agrees.
"Nooo"
Larry echoes.
"But you say that Carl wanted you to
have this address," Balki tries to understand. "He does want me to
have that address," 
Larry confirms. "He does?" Balki asks.
"But he can’t just give it to me," Larry explains. "He can’t?"
"No, that’s why he told me to keep it a secret. Balki, think about
it." Balki’s turns his head and looks as if he is thinking seriously.
"If Carl didn’t want me to put it in the paper, he wouldn’t have told
me to keep it a secret," Larry continues. Balki looks even more confused.
He tosses the broom into a chair and says, "Wait a minute . . . are you
saying that Carl gave us a secret and told us to keep that secret a secret but
that that really wasn’t what he wanted? What he really wanted was for you to
put that secret on the front page of the newspaper so that everyone can know the
secret that we are supposed to be keeping a secret?" "Exactly,"
Larry answers. "Exactly what?" Balki asks. "Exactly what you just
said," Larry replies. "I don’t know what I just said!" Balki
cries, "All I know is you had a wind problem . . . I went into the kitchen
to get the antacid, I couldn’t get the top of it off . . . "
"Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki .
. . " Larry sighs, walking over to him, "Look, this is all very very
simple. Carl told us to keep a secret hoping we would make it public.
On the
other hand, if Carl had told us to make it public, we would be honor-bound to
keep it a secret. Because Carl knows a secret, being a secret, is the only thing
worth making public. Otherwise why call it a secret?" Balki looks pained.
"Take the pad," he says calmly, holding it out for Larry, "I’ve
got a headache." Larry pats Balki’s arm and carries the pad back to the
kitchen counter where he rubs the pencil across it vigorously. He throws the
pencil aside and rips the top page off the pad, motioning to it excitedly and
announcing, "Nothing! There is nothing!" He hurries back to Balki,
whining, "This always works in the movies. Balki, how am I going to find
out where Carl is making the arrest?"
"He gave us a secret . . . he wanted
to keep a secret . . . " Balki begins, still trying to work his mind around
Larry’s logic. "Balki, why can’t I ever get a break?" Larry sighs.
"Oh, don’t worry, Cousin," Balki says, "It’s the Side Show
restaurant, 6818 West Fullerton. I . . . I glanced at the pad while he was
writing it down." Larry grabs Balki’s arms and says, "Balki, I’ll
never forget you for this! We’ve got ten minutes to get there!"
Larry
starts running around frantically to get ready, grabbing a tape recorder, their
coats and opening the door as Balki talks to himself, saying, "H . . . he .
. . if you put on the front page of the newspaper then everyone will know the
secret that we are supposed to be keeping a secret . . . " "Let’s
go!" Larry insists, pulling Balki out the front door as Balki continues to
talk to himself.
At the Side Show restaurant, a man who is
in fact an policeman leaves the bar to talk to some people at a table. A
distinguished looking gentleman enters and the officer approaches him to shake
hands, saying, "Hey, Alderman, I’m glad you could make it." The
patrons, all policemen in plain clothes, cheer the Alderman. "Well, there
was no way I was going to miss Sergeant Bergetti’s surprise party. After all,
Carmine is one of the best cops on the force. So uh, how is Carl gonna get him
here without spoiling the surprise?" "How do you get a cop to go
anywhere?" the policeman asks, "you promise him a free meal,
right?" Everyone laughs. "All right, all right, but one
question," the Alderman asks, "With all the cops in here who’s
minding the city?" Everyone laughs again and the officer takes the Alderman
aside to talk to someone.
Larry and Balki enter the restaurant and
stand, looking around. "Look at this place," Larry says to Balki,
"It’s crawling with criminals." "They look like nice people to
me," Balki smiles. Larry scoffs. "Balki, Balki, Balki . . . when you’ve
been on the street as long as I have there are some things you just know."
"I have been on the street as long as you have!" Balki protests,
"We left the house at the same time." Larry gives Balki a long look,
then says, "Just stick close to me. Try not to draw attention to
yourself." They walk forward, Larry trying to look casual, until he walks
into a large planter. "Planter," Larry says calmly, moving around it.
He almost immediately trips and falls on the floor. Balki picks him up and Larry
says, "Loose tile. Careful!" They walk together, Balki following close
behind Larry, to the end of the bar where they jump up to sit on two stools.
Larry looks across the restaurant and
gasps, "Oh my Lord! Alderman Zittrell is sitting at a table in the corner!
He must be the crooked politician Carl is going to arrest!" An older man
approaches the Alderman’s table and shakes hands with him, then sits down.
"Oh my Lord!" Larry cries, "That’s the Chief of Police with
him! He must be a crook, too! What a story! I’ve got to know what they’re
talking about. Balki . . . " Larry reaches into his coat pocket to pull out
a small tape recorder, "I am going to try to tape their conversation.
Wait
here." Larry starts to move away when Balki calls back to the bartender,
"Could I have a Shirley Temple over here?" Larry sits back down on the
barstool. "Wait here. Don’t speak. Don’t move," he orders Balki.
Larry gets up again and starts across the bar. As he passes a table he notices
their bread basket and steps over to them. "Let me freshen that for
you," he offers, taking the basket from the table and slipping the running
tape recorder into it.
Larry continues to the Alderman’s table,
grabbing a full bread basket from another table and dumping the rolls on top of
the 
recorder to hide it. Larry walks up to the Alderman’s table and sets the
basket down between them. "There you are," he says. "Thank
you," the Alderman offers as Larry hurries away, eyeing the planter and
taking the other way around it to return to the bar where he jumps up into the
barstool. Balki is holding a Shirley Temple with a paper umbrella in it.
"I
can’t believe it!" Larry says, "I am blowing the lid off the biggest
story in town. If Carl hadn’t let this slip I’d still be getting lunch for
those bozos, Marshall and Walpole." Balki sets his drink down and turns
Larry’s stool so he is facing him. "Let it slip?" Balki asks, "Wha
. . . ? You told me that Carl wanted us to have this information!"
"Oh, he did," Larry assures him, "Let is slip is a generic term
which can be used to denote one who want to convey information to . . . "
Balki grabs Larry by the coat. "Cousin . . . cut the Bullwinkle!"
"Okay. I lied," Larry admits, "Big deal! I’m trying to build a
career here. If you have a problem with that . . . go home!" "I
will," Balki agrees, getting up to leave, "But first . . . I’m gonna
get that tape recorder."
Balki walks toward the Alderman’s table
and Larry jumps off his barstool and runs after him. Larry grabs Balki’s arm
and turns 
him around. "Balki! You are interfering with the freedom of the
press!" "Oh pch!" Balki spits in disgust. He walks to the table
with Larry trying to pull him back. With Larry holding on to him they struggle
at the table side until they realize both men are looking at them. "Hi!" Balki and Larry say in stereo.
"What do you want?" the
Alderman asks. "I want your bread," Balki answers. "The bread’s
fine," the Alderman points out. "Well, then you’ll be wanting some
more," Balki insists, taking the bread basket from the table. Larry smiles
at the men and pulls Balki away angrily. Larry walks into the planter again.
"Planter," he says. He hurries around behind the planter and does
another face plant to the floor where Balki picks him up again. "Loose
tile. Careful!" Larry warns as they hurry to their bar stools, jumping up
into them again. "Are you happy?" Larry asks. "Well . . . "
Balki begins. "You could have gotten us killed!" Larry points out,
then reaches in the basket to get the tape recorder. He rewinds it a bit and
presses play as he and Balki lean in close to listen to it.
"Don’t worry, everything’s all
set," the Chief of Police is heard saying, "As soon as Carl comes in
that door with Carmine, boom! 
We let ‘em have it." Balki and Larry are
both startled by what they’re hearing. "I can’t wait to see his
face," the Alderman laughs, "He is going to die when . . . "
There is a pause and then Balki and Larry can be heard saying, "Hi!"
Larry turns off the tape recorder. "Balki, Alderman Zittrell is planning to
murder Carl! We’ve got to get out of here and warn him!" Balki and Larry
get up but the one policeman enters the bar and warns everyone, "Quiet
down, everybody, they’re comin’!" Alderman Zittrell gets to his feet
and walks to the bar, telling everyone, who is also getting up, "Okay, this
is it! Now when I give the signal . . . " "Balki, we’ve got to stop
him!" Larry tells Balki, and together they lunge at the Alderman, grabbing
him and pulling him down as Balki covers the man's mouth. Immediately every policeman
in the place is around them with their guns drawn, cocked and pointed at Balki
and Larry. Carl enters the
bar with Sergeant Bergetti and yells, "Surprise!" but is shocked to
see the scene before them. "Well, you got that right!" Balki agrees.
Back at the apartment, Carl is standing in
the doorway as Larry is apologizing. "Carl, I am so sorry about all the
embarrassment and . . . " "Hey, Larry," Carl says, "don’t
worry about it. You’re already a legend downtown. They’ll be laughing about
you for 
years!" "Aw, Cousin, isn’t that nice?" Balki asks,
"And you thought you made a fool of yourself." Larry looks
embarrassed. "Well, I better get downstairs," Carl says, "Harriette
waits up for me. She likes to dust me for fingerprints." "What, doesn’t
she trust you when you work undercover?" Larry asks. "Oh no no no, it’s
nothing like that," Carl explains, "It’s just a little thing that we
do." With a wide smile he slowly backs out the door. Larry walks to the
back of the couch with Balki, sighing, "Boy . . . some investigative
reporter. I blew the lid off a surprise party." "Aw, come on, Cousin,
don’t be down on yourself," Balki encourages, "You’re a good
writer and a hard worker and someday you’re gonna be just as famous as Maytag
and Whirlpool." "You really think I’m a good writer?" Larry
asks. "Well, of course I do, don’t be ridiculous," Balki says.
"Well, maybe you’re right," Larry says, "If I just hang in
there, work hard, my time will come." "Of course it will," Balki
agrees, "Remember, Cousin . . . patience is a virgin." Larry eyes
Balki strangely and then smiles in capitulation as the episode ends.
Script Variations:
There are quite a few differences between the
first draft script dated January 4, 1989 and the aired episode:
- Melanie
Wilson is listed in the cast credits at the front of the script but Jennifer is
not in it at all. This might have simply been a mistake. Reginald
Veljohnson has already been cast as Carl.
- While the episode still begins in
the basement, Harriette and Balki are alone, Balki by his desk and Harriette by
the elevator. Larry comes running down the stairs, shouting, "Balki,
Balki, Balki. Something wonderful has happened. How does this
sound? Larry Appleton. Investigative reporter."
"Great," Balki answers, "How does this sound? Balki
Bartokomous, Supreme Court Justice. Go ahead, Harriette, you do
one." "I don't think he's playing a game, baby," Harriette
replies. "I've been assigned to the Chronicle's investigative
reporting team," Larry explains. Balki then goes through all the
things Larry is not getting with his new job until Harriette finally says,
"Are you sure you got a promotion?" "Yes, I'm sure,"
Larry says defensively, "I'm the Assistant Research Liaison to the
Investigative Reporting Team of Massie and Walpole." (Marshall was
called Massie at this early stage) "No wonder you didn't get an
office," Balki notes, "They couldn't fit your title on the door."
- Larry goes on to comment on what a big break it
is to work for them. "The story they're working on now is so hot,
they won't even tell me what it's about." "It's about a big real
estate developer who's selling Lake Front property three miles into the
lake," Harriette explains, then, "People talk in elevators. I
listen."
- Carl enters wearing a suit and tie. Balki
asks, "How's everything down at the precinct, Carl? Have you met
Kojak yet?" "He's in homicide," Carl explains, "I work
in undercover. But when I see him, I won't forget to get his autograph for
you." Harriette then accuses Carl of eating powdered donuts and the
cocaine joke is the same. When she pressures him to tell her how many he's
had he finally admits "Okay. Four and a bear claw. But what are
you worried about, honey? There's just more of me to love."
"If there's anymore of you to love, we'll need a bigger apartment,"
Harriette responds. "Which reminds me," Carl says, "they
assigned my to follow Joey the Fish. He just bought a ticket to Las Vegas
and . . . " "You're following a fish to Las Vegas?" Balki
asks, "Police work is so interesting." They all look at Balki
until Larry says, "I'll take this one. Joey the Fish is an underworld
character." "An underworld character?" Balki asks,
"Like Bilbo Baggins in the Hobbit?" "Take it, Carl,"
Larry offers. "Joey the Fish is a criminal," Carl explains,
"Fish is his nickname." "My goodness, Cousin, you were way
off," Balki says.
- Carl tells Harriette he's working late the next
day and she'll have to start moving them in without him. "Don't
worry, Carl," Balki says, "Cousin Larry and I will be there to
help. After all, we're neighbors now." Carl leaves and
Harriette offers to walk him to his car to check for snacks as in the final
show.
- After Carl and Harriette go into the parking
garage, Balki says, "Well, Cousin, let's go celebrate your big
promotion." "What promotion?" Larry sighs, "It's the
same old job. In the same old basement. For the same old
money." "Same old Cousin Larry," Balki sighs, "Cousin,
your dream is coming true. You're a member of the investigative reporting
team. You've for your foot on the first rung of the ladder of
success. Did Massie and Walpole start out by winning the
Pulitzer?" "Yes. They did," Larry answers,
"Their first assignment. They were twenty-three years
old." "Okay, bad example," Balki admits, "But what
about Mr. Jensen? He won two Pulitzers and he started out right there
sorting mail." Balki points to his work table. "But that
was different," Larry whines. "It's not different, Cousin,"
Balki argues, "You keep your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the
wheel, your elbow in the grease, and someday you'll see the light at the end of
your tonsils." Proudly Balki adds, "Am I learning the language,
or what?" Larry suddenly sees the light. "You know, Balki,
I think I'm beginning to see what I have to do." "Cousin, I'm
glad you understand that patience is the key." "What
patience?" Larry asks, "Patience is for losers. What I need is a
shortcut, a new game plan. Why lay down a bunt when you can hit a
homerun? Yes sir, from now on these eyes are going to be wide open.
And some day soon that scoop will come my way, and when it does, boom . . .
right out of the park." Balki is confused and says, "Cousin, I
think you have to stay focused. Either you play baseball or you become a
reporter." Harriette enters from the parking garage carrying a large
amount of junk food for the writers. "I knew it was a mistake getting
him a credit card at 7-11," she sighs.
- The next evening, Balki, Larry and Harriette are
sitting at the kitchen table with an open box of pizza in front of them.
Harriette gets up and says, "Thanks for helping us move. Some of
those moving companies can really rip you off." Larry takes out his
notebook and asks anxiously, "Really? Can you document
that?" "I mean a legal rip off," Harriette explains.
Larry puts his pad away. Balki explains, "You'll have to excuse
Cousin Larry, he's looking for a scoop of something to put in the
paper." Harriette's son Steve enters (note that Eddie was originally
named Steve! The name Steve would of course be used for Steve Urkel
instead) and says, "Hey, Mom, I'm hungry. Any pizza left?"
"Steve, you left your sisters alone?" Harriette asks.
"They're not alone," Steve protests, "They're together.
Felicia's with Desdemona and Desdemona's with Felicia." (In Family
Matters the daughters' names would be Laura and Judy) "You left a
ten year old alone with a six year old? What are you trying to do?
Be an only child?" Harriette scolds. She drags Steve out the door.
- After Harriette and Steve leave, Balki says,
"Cousin, helping people sure does give you a good feeling, doesn't
it?" "I'd settle for any feeling," Larry moans, "Right
now my whole body's numb. When Harriette asked us to help her move, she
didn't tell us Carl had a home gym." "Yeah, talk about heavy
metal," Balki adds.
- There is a knock at the door and Balki opens
it. Carl enters, carrying a travel bag. "Sorry, I'm late.
Did I miss much of the move?" he asks. "You missed all of
it," Larry informs him. "Alright!" Carl says happily,
"Have there been any calls for me?" "No," Balki
answers, "But you might have better luck trying your own
apartment." Carl then explains they don't have a phone yet and that
he told headquarters they could reach him there instead. Larry then
excuses himself to go to bed and Balki sits down with Carl. "So,
Carl, is it fun working under the covers?" Balki asks. Carl starts
talking about the crooked politician and Larry comes back in. Larry tells
Balki he's getting his second wind and Balki offers to get the antacid.
Larry tells him not to bother.
- When Balki answers the phone he talks for a while
and when the camera focuses on him he is saying, "But if you see Kojak, can
you get his autograph for me? That's Balki. It's spelled just like
it sounds." He then tells Carl the calls for him.
- Balki emphatically tells Carl that they'll keep
his secret but Carl doesn't repeatedly thank him or try to get away. When
Balki wants to know what the secret is Larry tries to explain, saying,
"He's going to arrest a crooked politician who's involved with the
underworld. Forget that. Who's involved with organized
crime." Larry tells Balki he's not going to keep it a secret and
Balki takes the pad from Larry and they fight over it as in the final
show. When they are on opposite sides of the counter, Larry says, "Balki,
you know I'm not doing this just for myself." "Well, you could
have fooled me," Balki notes. "There are bigger issues at stake
than just my career," Larry continues, "There's freedom of the
press. The public's right to know. As a journalist, I have a sacred
duty to see that the public is well informed." Larry lunges and dives
over the counter as Balki eludes him. The scene plays out pretty much as
it did in the aired episode, except that Larry convinces Balki that what they
actually promised to keep a secret was the fact Carl gave them the information
and not the secret itself.
- When Larry gets the pad and rubs the page he
says, "I think I can make it out. 'Two . . . dozen eggs. Five .
. . pounds . . . of . . . sugar.' What is this?" "Sounds
like my grocery list," Balki says, "Did I put down light bulbs?
I always forget that." "Balki, you pressed down so hard on the
pad, your impression if the only one that showed up." Larry complains
about never getting a break and Balki gives him the address as "444 West
Fullerton." Larry hurries to get the tape recorder and go but Balki
is following him. "I can take it from here," Larry assures Balki,
"You don't have to come with me." "Cousin, I think I'd
better," Balki says, "You couldn't even get an impression off a
pad." "Okay, okay. You can came, but stay out of the
way. I'm a professional. This is a big story. I don't need an
amateur getting underfoot. And I don't need any help." Larry
thinks, then asks, "What was that address again?" "I'll
write it down for you in the car," Balki says as they leave.
- The restaurant scene starts out the same with the
Alderman and man talking. After Balki and Larry enter and Larry says the
place is crawling with criminals, he points out, "I mean my newsman's
instincts tell me that and the fact that all four men at the bar are wearing
guns." "They're wearing guns?" Balki asks, "Isn't that
breaking the law?" "They're criminals," Larry points out,
"That's what criminals do. They break the law."
"Well, there should be a law against that," Balki says. They go
to the bar where Larry spots the Alderman and says, "Oh my lord, Alderman
Zittell is sitting at a table in the corner." Balki says, "You'd
think he could get a better table." Larry explains, "It all
fits. Zittell must be the corrupt politician Carl is going to arrest and
he's brining Carmine here so he can catch him in the act of bribing Zittell."
When the Chief of Police joins the Alderman, Balki says, "Oh look, he
brought a friend. Maybe Carmine's going to bribe two people."
"That's the Chief of Police," Larry explains, "He must be a
crook, too. What a story. City Hall must be riddled with
corruption." "That's terrible," Balki sighs, "I always
thought we had the best government money could buy." "We
probably do," Larry responds. He then tries to tape their
conversation but puts the recorder into a planter instead of a bread basket.
- With Larry hanging on to Balki, Balki goes to
retrieve the recorder from the planter after finding out Larry has lied to
him. The Alderman and Chief of Police see them and Larry and Balki say
"Hi!" "You'll have to forgive my Cousin," Larry says,
"He hasn't been the same since the safe fell on his head." Balki
picks up the tape recorder and Larry says, "Oh, there's your radio.
He hates to miss a basketball game. He loves those Bulls."
Larry pulls Balki back to the bar and tells him that he could have gotten them
killed. "Cousin, let's go," Balki urges, "It's not too late
to climb the ladder of success one step at a time and take your dignity with
you." "Balki, shut up," Larry insists. Larry turns on
the tape and they hear his voice saying "This is tape number one.
Chicago Chronicle. Political Scandal Investigation." "See
Cousin, there's nothing there," Balki says, "Let's go." The
rest of the recording is how we hear it in the final episode except for the line
about the safe falling on Balki's head. Balki looks at Larry and asks,
"Exactly, what did you mean by that?"
- Larry tells Balki they have to grab the Chief of
Police (who is giving the signal to say surprise instead of the Alderman in this
version) and Balki says, "I don't think I could do that, Cousin. I
was brought up to respect authority." "It's Carl's only
chance," Larry insists. They wrestle the Chief of Police to the
ground as Carl and Carmine come in. Everyone else yells surprise then
stares at Larry and Balki on top of the Chief. "Don't stand there,
Carl. Run for your . . . Surprise?" Larry asks. Larry and
Balki see everyone is staring at them. "Cousin, I think we might have
made a slight mistake," Balki guesses. "Balki, Larry, what are
you doing to the chief?" Carl asks. "The Chief?" Larry
asks, then notices the man under him, "Oh, the chief." Balki and
Larry get up and help the Police Chief to his feet. "Are you guys out
of your mind or what?" the Chief demands. "We were just trying
to . . . to . . . Yes, we're out of our minds," Larry
confesses. "Cousin Larry thought you were going to shoot Carl and his
friend," Balki explains. "What? This is a surprise party
for Carmine," Carl says, "He's retiring from the
department." "This is a retirement party?" Larry asks,
"You mean, that's all this is. A retirement party?"
"You'll have to forgive my Cousin," Balki offers, "He hasn't been
the same since a safe fell on his head."
- At Balki and Larry's apartment later that night,
Carl and the cousins enter, all in a good mood. "You know, for
someone who was wrestled to the ground and almost choked to death, the chief of
police turned out to be a pretty understanding guy," Balki notes.
"You mean because he didn't lock you up and throw away the key?" Carl
asks. "Well, that and he let Cousin Larry buy his entire supply of
tickets to the policeman's ball," Balki explains. Larry get the pizza
box and hands it to Carl. "You sure you want this, Carl?" Larry
asks. "Are you kidding?" Carl asks, "My kids love cold
pizza. And listen, I want to thank you guys for what you did
tonight." "You want to thank us for embarrassing you?"
Larry asks. "You thought you were saving my life," Carl notes,
"In a way, you put your lives on the line for me." "Well,
yeah," Larry realizes, "I guess we did." "And listen,
Larry, when we make arrests in the case I'm working on, you'll be the first to
know," Carl promises. "I will? That's great!" Larry
says, "I'll get my exclusive. When do you expect to make
arrests? Tomorrow? The next day? Next week?"
"I think we can wrap this up in a year," Carl answers, "Two years
tops." Carl then says about how Harriette likes to dust him for
fingerprints and how it's a little thing they do then leaves. "A year
or two," Larry sighs, "More waiting." "Cousin, your
chance will come," Balki assures him, "You just have to be patient and
not get crazy while you're waiting." "You're right, Balki,"
Larry agrees, "Every time I try to take a short cut in life, something goes
wrong." "Well, look at the bright side," Balki points out,
"If everything went right tonight, we would have been dead."
"Thanks, Balki," Larry says, "You always know what to say to
cheer my up." Balki smiles proudly.
There are some more
changes in the revised first draft script dated January 5, 1989:
- The
rest of the characters have now been cast. Melanie's name is no longer
included
- This
version starts with Harriette and Balki talking in the basement. "So
you and Larry will meet us at our house in the morning," Harriette says,
"You'll help us move. Then I'll treat everybody to pizza."
"You still want us to rent a truck?" Balki asks. "Oh, you
don't have to do that," Harriette answers, "Carl's borrowing a van
from the SWAT team. You have to be careful how you drive it. It has
a battering ram on the front of it." "I guess we won't have to
worry about finding a place to park," Balki notes.
- Larry
telling them about his new job is the same from the last script. One line
is added, though, where Balki says, "So, at least you got an expense
account, like all the other reporters." "Well, I don't
anticipate large expenses," Larry says. "Let me get this
straight," Harriette cuts in, "No raise, no office, no expense
account. What are you so happy about?" Larry then goes into how
great it will be to work with Massie and Walpole. The phone rings and
Larry picks it up and uses his new title, pointing it out to Harriette.
"That was Walpole," Larry explains, "They need me." He
gets dreamy and says, "Walpole, Massie and Appleton. Maybe it should
be in alphabetical order." Larry runs upstairs.
- After
Larry goes upstairs, Carl enters. "How's everything out there on the
streets, Carl?" Balki asks, "Have you had any ten-fours, five-o-twos,
seven-forty-sevens, L-ten-sevens? I love police talk."
"No, I haven't had any of those lately," Carl explains, "I'm
working vice." The rest of the scene with Carl is the same as the
previous version.
- When
Larry comes back downstairs Balki asks, "What happened, Cousin? Did
you get your first assignment?" "Oh, I got an assignment
alright," Larry sighs, and reads from a paper, "'One corned beef on
rye. One tuna, easy mayo. Two decafs.'" "Wow,"
Balki comments, "Is that some kind of investigative reporter's
code?" "No, it's some kind of investigative reporter's
lunch," Larry answers, "Harriette was right. It's the same old
job. In the same old basement. For the same old money."
"No, it isn't," Balki notes, "No one's ever sent you for lunch
before." Balki then tries to boost Larry's spirits as before, except
he asks, "Did Massie and Walpole start out by winning a
Wurlitzer?" "Pulitzer," Larry corrects. When Balki
talks about Mr. Jensen he says, "He started out right there sorting
mail. Then he started writing obituaries. After a while they
transferred him to the Features Department. Then after a few years, he
stumbled onto that milk scandal." After Larry says he has no time for
patience he adds, "What I need is a shortcut, so I don't have to waste time
like Jensen."
- The
second scene starts with Balki and Larry entering the apartment.
"Cousin, helping friends move sure does give you a good feeling, doesn't
it?" "Actually, it gives me an aching feeling," Larry
answers, "When we agreed to help them move, I thought maybe it would be a
dinette set, a few pieces of furniture, an end table . . . "
"Funny," Balki agrees, "Looking at Carl, you wouldn't think he
would have a complete home gym." Carl then arrives and the scene with
him plays out much the same as before.
- When
Balki answers the phone, he says, "Bartokomous Waterworks. Which drip
do you want to talk to?" To Larry he says, "That's a new one I
came up with, Cousin."
- While
the exact wording is different, Larry convinces Balki that's it's okay for them
to use the information and again says the secret is actually that Carl told
them. At the end of the scene, however, Balki tells Larry to "Take
the pad. I've got a headache." It then cuts right to the
restaurant scene.
- After
Balki makes the comment about how he thought we had the best government money
can buy, Larry replies with, "Apparently we do." After finding
out that Larry lied and he continues to try to cover it, Balki says, "Bullwinkle."
- When
Larry covers Balki's getting the tape recorder by saying it's a radio and
mentioning that Balki loves those Bulls, Balki says, "Well, actually, I
love all types of animals. I try not to show any favoritism."
The rest of the scene plays the same as in the last version.
- In
the last scene when Balki says the Chief of Police is an understanding guy and
Carl asks if that's because he didn't press charges, Balki says, "Well,
that and he let Cousin Larry make a hefty contribution to his campaign
fund." After Carl says he thinks they'll be making arrest in
"two years tops" Balki tells Larry, "Perfect. Cousin, you
got your milk scandal. And you've beat Jensen by twelve years."
This script ends with Balki's line "If everything had gone right tonight,
we would have been dead."
And there are only a few
differences in the shooting script dated January 9, 1989:
- When
Harriette asks Carl about the donuts, Balki asks him, "Have you ever had
one of those long ones with the creme inside, and when you bite into it the
filling squishes out the other end?"
- After
Balki tells Larry, "Your ship has finally hit the fan," Larry says,
"Well, in a matter of speaking."
- After
Larry tells Balki that Marshall and Walpole want him to pick up lunch, Balki
says, "Well, it's a start."
- Larry
mentions night court but Balki doesn't say "I love that show!"
- After
Balki says, "Which drip do you want to talk to?" he tells Larry,
"That's a new one I came up with, Cousin."
- After
Balki takes the Alderman and Chief's bread and says, "Then you'll want some
more," Larry explains this by saying, "Trainee."
- The
very end is slightly different. Larry says, "Boy, I'm some
investigative reporter. I blew the lid off a surprise party."
"Cousin, remember, patience is a virgin," Balki offers. Larry
brightens and says, "I guess in that strange Myposian way you have, you're
right. If I work hard, my time will come." "It will,"
Balki agrees, "You're a good writer and a hard worker. Someday you're
going to be as famous as Maytag and Whirlpool." "That's . . .
" Larry starts to correct Balki, but lets it go. Instead he says,
"Thanks, Balki, I'm glad you're around to give me a lift when I need
it." Balki gets behind Larry and says, "Cousin, if it's a lift
you want, I'm your man." Balki starts to lift Larry as the episode
ends.
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