Nielsen Rating: 16.8 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 60 - Maid to Order
First Air Date: January 6, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 16.8 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guest Starring:
Doris Roberts: Mrs. Bailey
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen
on the bookshelf with a mess in front of him in the first scene. Later the mess
in front of him is cleaned up and he looks nice and neat.
Balki-isms:
" . . . as Mrs. Bailey says plaque is
the leading cause of tooth decay and gingivitis. Mrs. Bailey is so smart.
I
always thought that gingivitis was Fred Astaire’s dancing partner."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"What is the matter with you?"
"Wwowww!"
"Well, I’ll be snookered."
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry pulls the same holding an apology
over Balki’s head as Balki often does to him when Larry has to admit he’s
wrong about something (in this instance it’s Balki who says, "You’re
not gonna make this easy, are you?")
Interesting facts:
- The title "Maid to Order" is a pun on
the common expression "made to order."
- A box of Colonel Kernels, which have
been seen on the show before, is featured prominently in the first scene.
-
Doris Roberts made a very notable guest
appearance in this episode as the motherly Mrs. Bailey. Her role was so perfect
she was even nominated for an Emmy for her performance (she lost the award to
Colleen Dewhurst for an appearance on Murphy Brown.) No matter . . . Doris would
go on to win 4 Emmy Awards for her work as Ray Barone’s mother on Everybody
Loves Raymond (and she’d won the award previously for her role on the
drama series St. Elsewhere in 1983). She also made an appearance as Danny
Tanner’s mother on Full House.
- We never learn what Mrs. Bailey's first name is.
- This was the only episode of Perfect
Strangers to ever be officially released by Warners Home Video until the
seasons 1 and 2 box set was announced last year. The episode was part of a
special preview DVD which featured one episode of two other Warner Bros. shows
and was released as part of the season one Night Court release. This was
in commemoration of Warner Bros. 50th anniversary promotion.
- This is one of the few episodes in which
Larry gets to be the one who does the right thing. These instances grew
increasingly rarer as the show went on.
- Tom Devanney, who wrote this episode, now works as a writer and supervising
producer on the hit animated series, Family Guy.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- The exterior shot of the Chronicle
building shows it raining very hard, only the cars, building and street are not
wet. The rain was superimposed over a regular shot of the building, darkened
slightly although the shadows give away that the footage was taken on a sunny
day.
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the apartment.
Larry
enters the living room from his bedroom wearing a green sport shirt and doing up
a red tie. "This is getting ridiculous," Larry complains to Balki, who
is sitting at the dining table doing his homework, "I didn’t have time to
do the laundry yesterday. This is the only clean shirt I’ve got to wear to
work. You think this looks okay with a tie?" Balki studies Larry and says,
"Well, it . . . looks pretty stylish to me." Larry sighs,
"Yeah," and promptly removes the tie, sitting at the table with Balki.
"Cousin, don’t worry. I do the laundry tonight," Balki tells him,
then realizes, "Oh, wait a minute . . . I can’t. I’ve got to study for
history and I’m three days behind on the dishes." "Well, now I
barely have time to eat breakfast," Larry sighs, walking to a cabinet in
the kitchen. "Cousin, I’m sorry but there are no clean bowls for your
cereal," Balki informs him. Larry closes the cabinet and opens a drawer as
Balki adds, "But that’s okay because there are no clean spoons for your
cereal."
Larry returns to the table and sits down
as Balki grabs a cereal box from the counter behind him and asks, "Care for
a handful of cereal?" Larry holds his hand out and Balki pours cereal into
it, even though it overflows onto the table. "Balki, the apartment is
a
mess," Larry points out, "Between your going to college at night and
my extra work at the paper we don’t have time to get caught up on the
household chores any more. I think we should get a maid." "Cousin, I
hardly think getting a young woman to milk a goat is going to solve our
problem," Balki says skeptically. "Not a milk maid," Larry
explains, "I’m talking about a maid." Balki looks confused so Larry
continues. "Someone who comes in while we’re at work, cleans up and is
gone by the time we get home." "Oh!" Balki says, "On Mypos
we call those people thieves." "Well, in America we call them maids
and we’re going to get one," Larry states, "We’re going to hire
someone to come in once a week and clean this place up." Larry eats some
cereal as Balki answers, "Fine by me!" Balki then reaches over to the
counter and grabs a carton of milk, turning to Larry and asking,
"Milk?"
The next scene also takes place in the
apartment two days later. Balki is waiting for Larry to get home. There is a
basket of laundry sitting on the couch. Larry opens the door and enters.
"Cousin!" Balki says excitedly, but Larry begins to speak before he
can continue. "I’ve been looking for two days and nothing," Larry
moans, "I can’t believe what they charge for housekeepers!" "Well, wait ‘til you hear this!" Balki says, "I got . . . .
" "Most of these people make more money than I do!" Larry
interrupts. "Well, wait ‘til you hear this . . . " Balki tries
again. "It’s impossible to find a maid who’ll work for thirty five
dollars a day," Larry sighs. "Cousin, I found a maid!" Balki
finally gets out. "You did?" "Yeah!" "You found a
maid?" "Yeah!" "You found someone who’s willing to work
for thirty five dollars a day?" "No," Balki answers, "I
found someone who’s willing to work every day for thirty five dollars a week!
Can I sniff out a bargain or what?"
Larry looks confused, saying, "There’s
gotta be a catch. You gotta be crazy to work for thirty five dollars a
week." He eyes Balki 
worriedly, asking, "You didn’t hire a crazy
person, did you?" "Well, of course I didn’t, do be ridiculous!"
Balki sighs, "Would I give the week’s grocery money to a crazy person to
shop for us?" "You gave the week’s grocery money to a total
stranger?" Larry asks in disbelief. "Cousin . . . try to pay
attention," Balki pleads impatiently, "I didn’t give the week’s
grocery money to a total stranger. I gave it to a women who I have a very, very
good feeling about." "Oh! You had a good feeling about her?"
Larry says in a condescending manner. "Yes," Balki smiles.
"Oh
well, I stand corrected," Larry smiles. "Okay," Balki says,
giving Larry’s chin a friendly punch. "You didn’t give our money to a
crazy person," Larry continues. "No," Balki agrees. "You
are the crazy person!" Larry shouts, "What is the matter with you?
Balki, that’s the last you’ll see of her. She’s probably out blowing our
money at the track."
The door opens and an older woman enters
carrying a paper sack full of groceries. "Oh, I’m sorry it took so
long," she apologizes 
as Balki comes to get the bag from her, "but I
got a butcher who didn’t know his ribs from his rump." Larry looks
surprised as Balki takes the groceries to the kitchen. "Oh, you must be
Larry," the woman smiles, shaking Larry’s hand, "I’ve heard a lot
about you. Listen, I’ve seen your bedroom . . . I think I can save it."
Balki runs back to the door to help the woman off with her coat and introduces
her as he does so. "Cousin, this is she. This is our new housekeeper and I’d
like you to meet Mrs. Bailey." "Mrs. Bailey, I think there’s been a
misunderstanding . . . " Larry begins. "Oh, you probably think you’re
dealing with a crazy person, right?" Mrs. Bailey interrupts as she walks to
the coffee table and chair to pick up some newspapers. "Well, why would I
think that?" Larry asks. "Well, because only a crazy person would work
for thirty five dollars a week," Mrs. Bailey acknowledges, walking to the
dining table to unpack the groceries. "Well, that does seem logical,"
Larry admits.
"The only thing that makes me crazy
is sitting around my empty house doing nothing," Mrs. Bailey explains,
"No, I don’t need the money. It’s the work that makes me happy.
You got
an eight inch spring form cake pan?" "I, uh . . . kinda doubt
it," Larry 
answers.
"Now I’ve got just enough time to do the laundry
before I start making dinner," Mrs. Bailey muses, picking up some stray
clothes. She turns to them and asks, "You boys like chocolate cake?"
"Yes!" Larry answers. "It’s Cousin Larry’s favorite!"
Balki says. "Then chocolate it is," Mrs. Bailey smiles, getting the
laundry basket from the couch. Larry runs to help her, saying, "Wai . . .
here, Mrs. Bailey, let me give you a hand with that." "No, no, no,
that’s my job," Mrs. Bailey insists, "Your job is to get the clothes
dirty. And by the looks of things . . . you’re the best." She walks to
the door and Larry opens it for her. "Thanks," she says as she exits,
"I’ll be back." Larry closes the door and looks happy as Balki looks
proud of himself. "Well, uh, Cousin, it appears that someone has found us a
rather incredible maid," Balki brags, putting his legs over the couch to
sit on the back. He looks at Larry and asks, "Is there anything you’d
like to say to that someone?" Balki motions with his fingers for Larry to
give him a compliment. "Yes," Larry says, "What the hell is an
eight inch spring form cake pan?"
In the next scene we see the Chicago Chronicle.
It is
raining hard outside. Larry enters the basement from the archives and 
crosses to
his desk. Harriette is standing nearby doing a crossword puzzle. "Good
morning, Harriette," Larry says. "Oh, good morning, baby,"
Harriette offers as she steps toward him. She looks him up and down in his neat
suit and comments, "Mmmm, mmm! Look at you. I haven’t seen you this
wrinkle-free in ages. That new maid must really be something." "Oh
yes, she is something," Larry says with a lack of enthusiasm, "She is
something. She’s there early before we get up, has a big breakfast waiting.
Dinner’s ready when we get home. She does the laundry, the dishes, the
shopping. She even turns down the beds and has a little mint on the
pillow." "Sounds like you died and went to a Holiday Inn!"
Harriette remarks. "Yeah," Larry agrees, "and I should be
happy." Larry knits his eyebrows. "So what’s the problem?"
Harriette asks. "Well, uh I . . . I don’t know," Larry hesitates,
"I got somebody who waits on me hand and foot and, uh . . . it’s starting
to get on my nerves."
Balki exits Mr. Gorpley’s office and
approaches them, saying, "You’re never gonna believe this!" "What?
What? What? What?" 
Harriette asks.
"Mr. Gorpley’s in a
good mood!" Balki announces. "You’re kidding," Larry says.
"No, he let me play darts with him," Balki says. "Is that
right?" Harriette asks. "Yeah! I got to hold the board!" Balki
explains. Harriette looks closely at Balki’s shirt where a note is pinned.
"What’s that on your shirt, baby?" she asks. Balki looks down and
sees the note. "Oh! This is a note that Mrs. Bailey pinned to me to remind
me to take my vitamins," Balki says, "Isn’t it a good idea? Now
Cousin Larry and I will never . . . Cousin Larry and I will never . . . "
Balki looks at Larry’s shirt, moving his coat aside slightly, but there is no
note. " . . . forget anything," Balki finishes, "You took your
note off?" "I think I can remember to floss," Larry states.
"Well, I certainly hope so," Balki says, "because as Mrs. Bailey
says plaque is the leading cause of tooth decay and gingivitis. Mrs. Bailey is
so smart. I always thought that gingivitis was Fred Astaire’s dancing
partner."
Mrs. Bailey enters from the parking garage
carrying two pairs of galoshes. "Oh there you are!" she says when she
spots Balki and Larry. "Mrs. Bailey!" Balki says excitedly, running to
her for a hug, "Mrs. Bailey!" "Oh, what am I gonna do with you
boys?" 
Mrs. Bailey asks, handing them the shoes, "You walked right out
without taking your galoshes. It’s bad enough you’re going to ruin your
shoes, you wanna ruin your health, too?" "No, I don’t!" Balki
insists, "I would never do anything like that to you. I’m so sorry.
Oh,
and you came all the way down here. You shouldn’t have come down here."
"Yeah, he’s right," Larry agrees, "You really shouldn’t
have." Gorpley exits his office and yells, "Bartokomous!" as he
waves a sheaf of papers, "Get these memos out to everybody in
circulation." "Okay," Balki says, taking the papers. "See to
it that all these sacks are sorted," Gorpley adds. "Oh, okay,"
Balki agrees. "And remember to get all your pick-ups done early
today," Gorpley finishes. "‘Kay," Balki says, standing and
waiting to see if Gorpley will add anything else. "Go!" Gorpley
orders. "Okay!" Balki answers, walking away.
"Pardon me, young man," Mrs.
Bailey says, walking up to Mr. Gorpley, "There is a nicer way to ask for
things. And I didn’t once hear you use the magic word." Gorpley stares at
her in disbelief, finally asking, "Excuse me?" "No, no, no, not
excuse me," Mrs. Bailey corrects him, "Please. And you should smile
more!" She grabs his chin for a moment, squeezing his cheeks slightly.
She
turns and motions to Balki, saying, "Look, come here." Balki returns
to them and Mrs. Bailey points to Balki and tells Mr. Gorpley to, "Say you’re
sorry." Gorpley stares at Balki a moment then says in a somewhat emotional
voice, "I’m sorry." He turns to walk away but looks back at Mrs.
Bailey in a curious manner before walking back into his office. Everyone is
shocked by this. "Is he always like that?" Mrs. Bailey asks.
"No," Balki answers, "Sometimes he wear a plaid."
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Mrs.
Bailey says, digging into her purse to pull out a small paper bag, "I tried
that recipe you told me about 
for pig snout puffs."
"You did?"
Balki asks excitedly. "Mmm hmmm," Mrs. Bailey nods, "Now, be
honest. I’ve never worked with snout before." Balki reaches into the bag
and pulls one out, trying it. "Just like Mama used to make!" Balki
smiles. Harriette and Larry exchange a look of concern. "Mrs. Bailey, let’s
go offer the uneaten ones to my friend Jimmy the security guard," Balki
suggests. "Oh, that’ll be fun," Mrs. Bailey agrees. They head to the
parking garage but Mrs. Bailey stops when they get to Larry. "Oh, Larry . .
. what did I tell you about your posture?" Larry stands up straighter.
"That’s better," Mrs. Bailey approves and she and Balki exit to the
garage, Balki calling, "Jimmy!" "You’ve got a problem,
baby," Harriette tells Larry, "You didn’t hire a maid. You hired a
mother!" The scene fades on Larry’s worried expression.
Act two begins at the apartment one
evening. Balki opens the door and he, Mary Anne, Jennifer and Larry walk in,
taking off their coats. "Wwoww!" Balki comments, "That was some
concert, huh?" "I just love George Michael," Mary Anne sighs,
"I think it’s so 
sexy when someone has two first names." "You
know, when he sang ‘Careless Whisper’ I melted," Jennifer adds,
"He just makes me feel so romantic." "Well, why don’t you
select some music to sustain the mood," Larry suggests, "and we’ll
be right back." Larry heads toward the kitchen and grabs Balki’s arm as
he goes, saying, "Balki," as he drags him away from Mary Anne. Once
they are in the kitchen, Larry says, "I think this could be the greatest
night of my life. Now, when we go back into the living room I’ll dim the
lights, ask Jennifer to dance and then, when I feel the time is right, I’ll do
this." He jerks his head to the right a couple of times. "Why would
anybody do this?" Balki asks, jerking his head in the same fashion. "Because when I do this," Larry motions again, "that means that
you will tell Mary Anne that you want to go upstairs and see her Great Cities of
the World placemat collection." "I’ve already seen it," Balki
notes, "I was quite disappointed in Barcelona." "Balki, trust
me," Larry says, "Barcelona is much prettier this time of year."
The girls have picked out some
instrumental
music which
they begin to play on the stereo. Larry walks past them to the light 
switch on
the wall and turns off the lights. Jennifer and Mary Anne looked confused.
Larry
walks up to Jennifer and asks, "May I have this dance?" "Why yes
you may," Jennifer answers happily, turning to begin dancing with Larry.
Balki walks to the edge of the kitchen and says, "So uh, Mary Anne . . . uh
. . . would you like to join Cousin Larry and Jennifer?" Mary Anne leans
over and kisses Balki on the cheek, then leads him to the middle of the floor to
dance. The couples slow dance a short distance away from each other.
Balki looks
over to Larry to watch for the signal but Mary Anne pulls Balki’s head onto
her shoulder so he can’t see anything. Larry is making his head jerking motion
but can’t get Balki’s attention. At one point they’re turned in such a way
that Larry can reach over and slap Balki on the arm several times, trying to get
him to look up. Instead Balki looks at Mary Anne with intrigue after feeling his
arm slapped and says, "Ooooh!"
They continue to dance and Larry tries
snapping his fingers to get Balki’s attention. Instead Balki starts snapping
his fingers to the music as he dances, not looking up from Mary Anne’s
shoulder. This leaves Mary Anne looking confused. Finally, in 
desperation, Larry reaches over and slaps the back of Balki’s head.
Balki looks at Mary Anne and says, "Wwowww!" Larry and Jennifer
stop dancing and look over at them. Suddenly Jennifer says, "Mary
Anne, why don’t you take Balki upstairs and show him your Great Cities of the
World placemat collection?" Larry is stunned to hear this. "Well, okay!" Mary Anne agrees, taking Balki by
the hand and leading him to the front door as Jennifer and Larry lean in to kiss
one another. Before Balki and Mary Anne reach the door it opens and Mrs. Bailey reaches in to
turn on the light, carrying a laundry basket. Jennifer quickly turns around,
leaving Larry off balance. "Oh, you’re home!" Mrs. Bailey exclaims.
"Mrs. Bailey! Mrs. Bailey!" Balki says happily, hugging her, as Larry
turns off the stereo. "Listen, I want you to meet our friends," Balki
begins, "This is Mary Anne." "Hello, Mary Anne," Mrs. Bailey
offers as they shake hands. "And uh, this is Jennifer," Balki adds.
"Hello, Jennifer," Mrs. Bailey smiles as she shakes Jennifer’s hand.
"And this is Mrs. Bailey, our new housekeeper," Balki finishes.
"Mrs. Bailey, what are you doing
here?" Larry asks. "I work here," Mrs. Bailey answers, then says
to Jennifer, "Oh honey, this 
one’s crazy about you," as she motions
to Larry. Jennifer looks uneasy. "Uh, listen, Mrs. Bailey, I think you’ve
done enough work for one day," Larry says, "Why don’t you take the
rest of the evening off?" "Oh, Larry, that’s so sweet of you!"
Mrs. Bailey smiles, "Well, if I don’t have to fold the clothes why don’t
I mix up a batch of chocolate chip cookies and then I can get to know your
friends better." Mrs. Bailey walks into the kitchen. "Chocolate chip
cookies! What a great idea!" Balki exclaims. "I really think it’s
kind of late for all this," Larry says, but Mrs. Bailey shrugs him off.
"Yeah, it is late," Jennifer agrees, "We’d better be
going." "What? What?" Larry asks, "Uh, you’re
leaving?" "Well, Larry, I have to get up early tomorrow morning and .
. . " under her breath she adds, " . . . we’ve kind of lost the
mood." "No, no, no, we haven’t," Larry assures her, "Once
she’s gone, the lights go down, the music will come up and I’ll find the
mood if it kills me." "Larry, I’ll talk to you tomorrow,"
Jennifer says, "Thanks for a wonderful evening. Come on, Mary Anne."
"But, uh, but, but . . . " Larry stutters. Jennifer and Mary Anne walk
to the door. "I don’t understand," Mary Anne complains, "Is
anybody gonna come and look at my placemats or what?" They walk out the
door.
"Did your dates leave?" Mrs.
Bailey asks. "Yes, yes they did," Larry answers, leaning against the
door. "Oh, I hope I didn’t ruin the evening," Mrs. Bailey sighs.
"Oh no, no, Mrs. Bailey," Balki assures her, "You didn’t ruin
anything. They . . . they always leave around this time. Anyway, we can still
have those chocolate chip cookies." "Aw, of course we can," Mrs.
Bailey says, patting his cheek, "Okay . . . let me just fold these and then
I’ll mix up a batch." She takes the laundry basket full of clothes into
Larry’s room. Larry grabs Balki by the arm and leads him in front of the
couch. "All right, Balki. We have to talk about Mrs. Bailey," Larry
says seriously. "Well, well, you know, that’s a good idea," Balki
says, "Look, it’s midnight and she’s here baking chocolate chip
cookies. We should give her a raise." Larry’s eyes are open wide.
"A
raise wasn’t what I had in mind. Look, Balki, I like Mrs. Bailey as much as
anybody but it’s like living with my mother." "I know it!"
Balki says happily, "It’s gets better and better!"
"Mrs. Bailey is driving me
crazy," Larry tries again. "Cousin, what are you talking about?
Mrs.
Bailey’s a wonderful woman and a terrific housekeeper. She’s everything we
wanted and more." "It’s the more that’s driving me
crazy," Larry explains, "It’s the more that is always here
when I want to be alone. It’s the more that always makes sure I wash my
hands before dinner. And it’s the more that ruined what could have been
the most wonderful night of my life." "So . . . what are you
saying?" Balki asks. Mrs. Bailey walks out of Larry’s room and hears the
rest of the conversation. "I am saying I just wanted someone who would come
in and clean up a little, not someone who would tuck me in every night,"
Larry says, "Balki, I’m going to have to fire Mrs. Bailey." "Well, you can kiss that notion goodbye!" Balki argues, "Mrs.
Bailey likes taking care of us and I like being taken care of. So it’s two
against one. She stays."
"No, Balki, no," Mrs. Bailey
says, stepping forward, "I should go." She gets her coat from the door
rack. "Oh, Mrs. Bailey, I . . . I didn’t mean, uh . . . " Larry
begins. "No, that’s all right," Mrs. Bailey says quietly.
"What
I meant was . . . . " "He means he didn’t mean it," Balki
insists, trying to take her coat off again, begging her not to leave as Larry
apologizes. "Please, please, don’t apologize," Mrs. Bailey tells
Larry, "It’s just a situation that didn’t work out." She shakes
their hands in turn, saying, "I’m very pleased to have met you both.
And
I’m sure you’ll find someone more suitable." She walks out the door as
Balki begs, "Please don’t . . . please don’t, don’t . . . "
The
door closes and Balki turns on Larry, looking at him in disbelief. "Ah,
look, Balki . . . believe me . . . " Balki turns and walks angrily into his
bedroom. "This is really not what I had . . . " Balki slams his
bedroom door. " . . . in mind," Larry finishes.
Several days later we see the outside of
the apartment at night. Larry is inside, vacuuming the floor. Balki walks in the
front door 
with his schoolbooks, keeping his head down. "Oh, hey
buddy," Larry offers as Balki walks on through the living room and into the
kitchen, "You’re home early. So, how was class?" Balki gets into the
refrigerator and pulls out something to eat but won’t look or talk to Larry.
"Balki, there’s something I wanna tell ya," Larry starts, but Balki
walks right past him and to his bedroom. Larry follows, saying, "Balki?
Balki? I think you should know that . . . that . . . " Balki closes his
bedroom door in Larry’s face. Larry sighs, saying, "Okay, it’s been
three days now. Balki, how long you gonna keep this going?" Balki pokes his
head out the door and answers, "Forever or until you hire Mrs. Bailey back,
whichever comes first. Now, did you hire her back?" "Well, Balki, I’m
not gonna hire Mrs. Bailey back," Larry says. Balki slams the door
shut again.
There is a knock at the front door and
Larry walks over to answer it. Mrs. Bailey is in the doorway with a chocolate
cake on a 
plate and under a cake cover. "Oh hi, Mrs. Bailey," Larry
smiles, "Come on in." "Hi, Larry," Mrs. Bailey says,
stepping into the apartment. "Sit down," Larry offers, motioning to
the couch. "This is for you and Balki," Mrs. Bailey says, holding out
the cake. "Oh, thank you," Larry says, taking it from her.
Mrs. Bailey
looks at the apartment and exclaims, "Oh my goodness! Three days and this
place hasn’t fallen apart? My, I’m proud of you." "Well,
thanks," Larry smiles as they both sit down. Balki looks out from his
bedroom and sees who it is. He runs across the room and jumps over the couch,
saying, "Mrs. Bailey! Mrs. Bailey, you came back! You came back!"
He
hugs her awkwardly. "She came back!" Balki says to Larry. "I
still can’t believe what you boys did for me," Mrs. Bailey says, "I
just had to come back and say thank you." "Thank us?" Balki asks
in confusion, then looks to Larry and asks, "For what?"
"Well, we were glad to do it,"
Larry says, putting his hand on Balki’s shoulder, "Took a little leg work
but when Balki and I found that sorority at Northwestern that needed a house
mother, well, we both knew you’d be perfect for the job." "You were
so right," 
Mrs. Bailey smiles, "I’ve never enjoyed a job more."
"But, but, but," Balki says, "don’t you enjoy working for
us?" "Oh, of course, sweetheart," Mrs. Bailey assures him,
"But Larry was right. I really don’t belong here." "We need
you," Balki pleads. "No, you don’t!" Mrs. Bailey scolds gently.
"Yes, I do!" Balki insists. "No, you don’t. You can take care
of yourself," Mrs. Bailey assures him, "But these college kids . . .
they really need me!" She pats Balki’s leg and says, "Oh,
well, I’ve got to get going but please, come and visit me, will you?"
Balki hugs her goodbye and Larry gives her a kiss on the cheek. "Enjoy the
cake . . . don’t forget now, come and visit!" They walk her to the door
and Balki says, "Will do, will do!" Mrs. Bailey stops in the doorway
and turns to them. "Oh, oh . . . one more thing. Try to make it a habit to
keep the toilet seat down. You’ll thank me when you get married."
She
walks out, closing the door behind her.
"Well, I’ll be snookered,"
Balki comments, "You went out and found Mrs. Bailey a job that makes her
happy." Larry looks around as if he doesn’t know where the voice is
coming from. "Oh, Balki, was that you? Well, I didn’t recognize your
voice. It’s been so long since I heard it." Larry walks over and sits
down on the couch, looking smug. "Uh, Cousin . . . um, I’m sorry,"
Balki offers with some embarrassment, also sitting on the couch, "I feel
awful. You know for three days I’ve done nothing but sit in my bedroom and be
angry at you." "Oh, is that where you were?" Larry asks, "I
was so worried. I thought you moved out." "You’re not gonna make
this easy, are you?" Balki asks. "No," Larry admits, "I don’t
get many opportunities like this." Larry motions with his fingers to ask
for an apology the way Balki has done many times before.
Balki turns to Larry and says,
"Cousin, I . . . apologize. I . . . I can’t believe that I was having bad
thoughts about how selfish you 
were when you were out giving of yourself. You
know, you are a saint." Larry is eating this up. "I’m humbled in
your presence," Balki adds. Larry starts to look confused. "I would be
honored to be the dirt on your shoes," Balki continues. Larry looks at his
shoes and is more concerned, motioning for Balki to stop. "No, dirt is too
honorable for me," Balki says, getting down on his knees, much to Larry’s
shock. "I would be honored to be the mildew on your shower curtain,"
Balki grovels. Larry grabs Balki by the back of the shirt and pulls him up to
sit on the couch beside him, saying, "Okay, Balki, that’s enough . . .
that’s . . . that’s good." "Cousin, I’m sorry," Balki
offers sincerely. "I forgive you," Larry says, and they share smiles
and a few friendly pats. "Now, why don’t we have a piece of Mrs. Bailey’s
chocolate cake?" Larry suggests, getting up to pick up the plate. "Oh,
good idea!" Balki agrees. "You want real plates or paper?" Larry
asks. "Well, uh, let me see," Balki thinks, "Whose turn is it to
do the dishes?" "Yours," Larry answers. "Paper!" Balki
says emphatically. "Right," Larry nods, and they head into the kitchen
with the cake.
Script Variations:
There are some huge differences between the
first draft script dated November 15, 1988 and the episode which aired:
- As
the episode begins, Balki is ironing notebook paper on an ironing board.
Larry enters from the bedroom, barefoot and carrying his shoes. "This
is ridiculous," Larry says, "I can't find a single pair of
socks." "Did you try the laundry basket?" Balki asks.
Larry pulls socks out of the laundry basket and asks, "Have you seen my red
tie?" "Try the laundry basket," Balki suggests. Larry
pulls his tie out of the laundry basket and says, "You washed my
tie?" "No, Cousin. That's the dirty laundry," Balki
explains. Larry then drops the socks back into the laundry basket and asks
Balki, "What are you doing?" "I'm ironing my
homework," Balki explains, "It got smooshed in the washing
machine." Larry look around and says, "Balki, what's wrong with
this picture?" Balki looks at Larry and notes, "You're not
wearing any socks." "That's part of what's wrong with this
picture," Larry agrees, "What I mean is, this apartment would not get
the Good Housekeeping seal of approval." Larry walks into the kitchen
to get a yogurt. "On Mypos it would," Balki counters.
"Why? Because it doesn't have dirt on the floor?" Larry asks as
he looks frantically for a spoon. "Well, that would be a contributing
factor," Balki admits. "Why don't we ever have enough
spoons?" Larry asks in frustration. "Try looking in the laundry
basket," Balki suggests, "That's where everything else is."
- When
Larry starts talking about getting a maid he says, "What we need is an
extra pair of hands." Balki looks at his own hands with a pained
look. "We need help," Larry clarifies, "I think we should
get a maid." "Cousin, I hardly think getting a young woman to
milk a goat will solve our problems," Balki says, then adds, "Of
course it couldn't hurt, either." (This last additional line was
probably filmed but edited out of the show, because in the final episode after
Balki comments about getting a young woman to milk a goat he has a dreamy look
on his face as if he had said something else.)
- Balki
makes the comment about how on Mypos they call those people thieves, and Larry
says, "Balki, a maid is a housekeeper. My mother had one. With
nine children she needed help. So, once a week, a woman came in and
cleaned. I think we paid twenty-five dollars then." "That
was before the oil embargo and double digit inflation," Balki says,
"I'm sure with the present labor intensive, service oriented economy, a
maid would cost much more than that in today's free market." Larry
looks at Balki with a puzzled expression and Balki says, "My homework is
for my Economics class." "Alright," Larry says,
"Allowing for inflation, and whatever else you were talking about, it
shouldn't cost more than thirty-five dollars, tops. I'll call some
services today." They put on their coats and start for the
door. Larry notices Balki's homework on the ironing board and says,
"Don't forget your homework." Balki holds it up and it's as
stiff as a board. "I guess I went a little heavy on the spray
starch," Balki notes.
- When
Larry comes in the apartment complaining about the cost of maids, Balki puts his
hand over Larry's mouth to stop him from talking and asks, "Cousin, do you
want to hear my good news or not?" Larry mumbles something through
Balki's hand and Balki says, "I didn't catch that." Then he
realizes he has his hand over Larry mouth. "What's your news?"
Larry asks. "Today while I was putting up an ad for a housekeeper on
the supermarket bulletin board, a lady asked me what I was looking for. I
told her I needed some thumb tacks for the index card. She said, 'No, I
mean what position are you looking to fill,' and I said, 'Well, I was hoping to
fill the upper right hand corner of the board . . . '" "Balki!
The good news. Get to the good news." Balki then tells him
about her being willing to work for thirty five dollars a week. When Larry
asks what kind of a housekeeper would work for that little, Balki says, "A
darn good one. Mrs. Bailey said she'd clean our apartment, do our laundry,
cook our meals and if we bought material she'd even make slipcovers to hide our
ugly couch."
- Larry
says that Balki didn't give his money to a crazy person, that he gave it to a
thief instead. "This Mrs. Bailey probably hangs around supermarkets
bilking poor, simple immigrant souls like yourself out of their hard earned
cash."
- When
Mrs. Bailer enters, she says, "Sorry it took so long. But, the
butcher tried to pass a rump roast off as a rib roast. I've seen stupid
butchers, but this guy didn't know his ribs from his rump." Balki
then says, "Cousin, I'd like you to meet Mrs. Bailey, who was obviously out
blowing our money on food." After Mrs. Bailey admits that Larry
probably thinks she's a crazy person for working for so little, Balki says,
"Well, Cousin Larry did subscribe to that theory but he discarded it for an
even more absurd one."
- After
asking about the eight inch spring form cake pan, Mrs. Bailey says that she'll
bring one from home. She goes on to say, "I don't do much baking
since my husband passed away a few years back. My kids are grown and I
miss having someone to take care of." "But it's only thirty five
dollars," Larry points out. "Good point, Cousin," Balki
says, "I think we should make it forty." "I don't mean
that," Larry says.
- When
Mrs. Bailey asks if they like chocolate cake, Balki says, "Do we like
chocolate cake? Do Mypiots enjoy fish kicking?" Mrs. Bailey and
Larry give Balki a strange look, so Balki continues, "They do. By a
three to one margin." When Mrs. Bailey picks up the laundry basket,
Larry offers to give her a hand and she says, "No, I've got it. You
must've exhausted yourself getting these clothes dirty."
- When
Larry walks in the office, Harriette says, "I have not seen you this
wrinkle free in ages. You look like you just walked off an ironing
board. That new housekeeper must really be something."
"Yeah. Terrific," Larry says with no enthusiasm.
"What's the matter? The housekeeper put starch in your shorts?"
Harriette asks. After Larry explains all that Mrs. Bailey does and
Harriette makes the Holiday Inn comment, Larry sighs, "Yeah."
Harriette says sarcastically, "Hold down the enthusiasm."
"I don't know what it is," Larry says, "I've got somebody who
waits on my hand and foot and I can't stand it." "Well, if you
can't stand it, I know someone who can," Harriette says, "Send her
over to my place."
- Balki
enters from upstairs and Harriette asks what he has pinned to his shirt.
"What's that on shirt, baby?" Harriette asks. "Mrs. Bailey
put it on me," Balki explain, "It's a reminder to take my
vitamins. A, E, B-6 and 12, and Niacin. And if I take my vitamins I
get a happy face. It's a great new system Mrs. Bailey thought
of." The scene continues as seen in the show.
- Gorpley
comes out and tells Balki to get the memos out to circulation before Mrs. Bailey
comes in. When she arrives, she enters from upstairs. "Oh,
there you are," she says, "I swear you boys would forget your heads if
they weren't screwed on. You walked right out without taking your
galoshes. I don't know why I even listen to weather reports if you're not
going to pay attention to me." They introduce Mrs. Bailey to
Harriette and Mrs. Bailey says it's nice to be able to meet the boys'
friends. "Is this yor desk, Larry?" Mrs. Bailey asks.
"This is it," Larry admits. Mrs. Bailey shakes her head and
starts tidying up the desk. "My goodness, how can you find anything
in this mess? You know what they say, 'A cluttered desk, a cluttered
mind.'" "Please, Mrs. Bailey . . . Don't do that," Larry
pleads.
- Gorpley
asks Balki, "Bartokomous, do you think you can deliver the memo before I
have to change the date on them?" He then starts ordering Balki to do
all the different things. When Mrs. Bailey scolds Gorpley, she says,
"You know if you're having a bad day you shouldn't take it out on
others. Now, say you're sorry." "I'm sorry," Mr.
Gorpley says, "I'm sorry I came out here." He goes back to his
office. "Is he always like that?" Mrs. Bailey asks.
"Oh, no," Balki answers, "Sometimes he's in a bad
mood." Balki says he'll introduce Mrs. Bailey to some of his friends
on the loading dock and then they exit, Mrs. Bailey reminding Larry about his
posture before they do. "I think I know what your problem is,
baby," Harriette offers, "You didn't hire a maid, you hired a
mother."
- Instead
of suggesting the girls pick out some music at first, Larry says, "Hold
that thought, Jennifer. I think I have just the record to enhance the
mood." Jennifer and Mary Anne sit on the couch as Larry goes to the
bookcase to look through the records. Balki joins him. Balki pulls
out a record and says, "Cousin, if it's enhancement you're looking for, how
about my new sound effects record? If you sit in the middle of the room,
it sounds like a 747 is flying right through your brain."
"They're stewardesses," Larry points out, "They hear that every
day. I'm trying to keep a mood here." Larry takes the record
from Balki and puts it back in the stack. Balki grabs another one.
"How about the soundtrack to 'The Terminator?'" Balki asks, "Talk
about mood music." Larry grabs the record and tosses it down the
hall. "Wrong mood," he says, starting to steam. "I
suppose 'Big Bird Sings Sondheim' is out of the question?" Balki
asks. Larry grabs Balki by the arm and says, "Balki, we have to
talk. Jennifer, why don't you select the music? We'll be right
back." Larry pulls Balki to the kitchen.
- In
the kitchen, Larry says, "Balki, I think this could be the greatest night
of my life." "Well, George Michael was good," Balki agrees,
"But I think Michael Jackson's show had better fireworks. When he
sang 'Bad' . . . " Larry puts his hand on Balki's mouth. "Balki,
I'm not talking about concerts. Didn't you hear Jennifer say the magic
word?" "You mean 'please'?" Balki asks. Larry loses
his patience. "No. 'Romantic.' Get it? Romantic,
romance. Soft music, dreamy atmosphere, Larry, Jennifer, man, woman . . .
?" "Oh, I can see clearly now, the rain is gone," Balki
says, "You want to be alone with Jennifer." Larry explains his
idea about jerking his head (Balki doesn't ask why anyone would want to do that)
and when Larry says Balki will go upstairs and see Mary Anne's Great Cities of
the World placemat collection, Balki says he's already seen it, and Larry notes,
"Trust me, you want to see it again."
- After
Larry and Jennifer start dancing, Balki asks Mary Anne, "Do you want to
dance? Or do you want to watch Larry put the moves on
Jennifer?" "We can do that any time," Mary Anne answers,
"Let's dance." Larry tries to signal to Balki while they're
dancing but Balki, who is dancing with a little more flair with Mary Anne,
doesn't notice it. (There is none of the slapping or reactions in this
version.) Jennifer asks, "Larry, is something wrong with your
neck?" "No, no. It's just a little kink," Larry
explains, then says, "Excuse me, Jennifer. Balki, could I talk to you
for a second?" He pulls Balki back into the kitchen. "Boy,
Cousin, I thought you would have made your move by now," Balki says.
"Balki, I've been trying to give you the signal, but you keep spinning away
from me," Larry explains. "Sorry, Cousin. I just got the
music in me." "Well, from now on, don't take your eyes off me
until you get the signal!" Larry insists. "Got it," Balki
assures him. They go back to the living room and Larry asks Jennifer,
"Now, where were we?" They start to dance and Balki keeps
turning Mary Anne so he's sure he stays in Larry's line of sight. Larry is
about to give Balki the signal when Jennifer suggests to Mary Anne that she take
Balki upstairs to see the placemats. "I've already shown him,"
Mary Anne says. "Show him again," Jennifer urges.
- Balki
introduces Jennifer to Mrs. Bailey, saying, " . . . our housekeeper,
though, technically, she's our apartmentkeeper because we don't have a house a
such." After Mrs. Bailey tells Jennifer that Larry is crazy about her
she sees Larry looks embarrassed and says, "Oh, I'm sorry. I've
embarrassed you." To Jennifer she says, "Forget I said
that." She then turns to Mary Anne and says, "And you must be
Mary Anne." "Wow, you're as amazing as Kreskin," Mary Anne
comments. "Yes, you're definitely Mary Anne," Mrs. Bailey
smiles.
- Larry
takes the laundry basket from Mrs. Bailey and tries to help her on with her
coat. "Listen, Mrs. Bailey, I think you've done enough work for one
day. Why don't you go home and leave the rest until tomorrow?"
"Don't be silly," Mrs. Bailey replies, "A job worth doing is
worth doing well. I'll just be folding these clothes. Keep
dancing. You won't even know I'm here." "Mrs. Bailey, I'll
know," Larry assures her, "Believe me, I'll know."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Mrs. Bailey realizes, "You're trying to be
romantic here. Let me just make sure I've got everything for breakfast
tomorrow, then I'll get out of your way. I'm making Belgian waffles with
strawberries and whipped cream." She goes into the kitchen.
"Belgian waffles?" Balki says, "Can you believe it? That
woman is spoiling us rancid." Jennifer and Mary Anne decide to leave
and Mary Anne asks Balki, "Are you going to come up and see my
placemats?" "I don't think so, Mary Anne," Balki answers,
"The mood is broken." The girls exit and Larry paws the front
door, whimpering.
- When
Mrs. Bailey sees the girls have left she takes the clothes to fold. "Balki,
that's it," Larry says, "Mrs. Bailey has to go." "She
will, Cousin," Balki assures him, "right after she finishing folding
the laundry." "I mean, go and not come back," Larry
clarifies. "If she doesn't come back, who's going to make the
waffles?" Balki asks. "Balki, I think Mrs. Bailey as much as
anybody, but it's like living with my mother," Larry complains, "No,
it's worse than living with my mother. My mother never pinned notes to my
sweater." "Cousin, I can't believe your ears," Balki says,
then talks about how Mrs. Bailey is more than they wanted, leading to Larry's
"more" complaints (the only difference is Larry says, "It's the
more that came between me and paradise when Jennifer walked out the
door." "Cousin, we can't fire her," Balki says, "She
belongs here." Mrs. Bailey enters from the bedroom, dressed to
leave. "No, Balki. I don't belong here. I should
go," she says. Balki and Larry try to stop her and apologize, but she
says, "You know, when I heard you two arguing, it reminded me of my
sons. And I realized that I didn't come here looking for a job. I
came here looking for someone to replace my kids, who had the nerve to grow up
on me. And that's not fair to you two." "But that doesn't
mean you have to leave," Balki protests. "Yes, it does,"
Mrs. Bailey counters, "It's best for me and it's best for you."
She hugs both of them. "I think you're big enough to take care of
yourself. But try to make it a habit of putting the toilet seat
down. You'll thank me when you get married." She leaves and
Balki gives Larry an icy stare. "Well, I hope you're happy,"
Balki says. "Balki, wait a minute," Larry says, "You heard
Mrs. Bailey. It's for the best." "She was just sparing
your feelings, Cousin," Balki argues, "Though why, I don't
know." Balki picks up Dimitri and Larry follows him. "Balki,
we've got to talk about this." "It's going to be a little
difficult. Because I'm not saying another word until you give Mrs. Bailey
her job back." Balki zips his lips, locks them and puts the key into
his pocket. He does the same to Dimitri and then goes into his bedroom and
closes the door.
- When
Balki comes home from school Larry is reading instead of vacuuming. Larry
asks Balki if he can give him any help with his homework. Balki gives him
the silent treatment. Larry asks Balki how long he's going to keep it up
while Balki is still in the living room and Balki answers him there, then
relocks his mouth and goes into his room.
- Mrs.
Bailey tells them of the sorority den mother job, "Oh, it's working out
just great. Those girls are messier than you two. I can't thank you
enough." When Mrs. Bailey leaves, she says, "Larry, if things
don't work out with that girl upstairs, I've got the perfect girl for you.
In fact, I have twenty-five of them."
- After
Mrs. Bailey leaves and they have the initial exchange about "You're not
going to make this easy, are you?" Balki says, "Cousin, that was one
of the nicest things I've ever seen anyone do." "Well, I guess a
little of you is starting to rub off on me," Larry suggests.
"I'm sorry I acted the way I did," Balki offers. "Maybe a
little of me is rubbing off on you," Larry notes. The episode ends
the same as above with the discussion of the paper or regular plates.
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