Nielsen Rating: 13.5 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 57 - Up a Lazy River, Part Two
First Air Date: November 25, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 13.5 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard
Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous|
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be just
barely be seen sitting on the bookcase when Balki and Larry come home, wearing
what appears to be a red shawl or coat (or maybe even a life jacket?)
Balki-isms:
"I saw one time this episode of ‘Fathers
Knows Best’ . . . "
"Cousin, you get lost in a full
sun!"
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Yes! Yes!"
"I don’t know!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki, Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne go on
a trip which turns into a disaster
Larry paints a bleak picture of the future
to manipulate Balki into doing something
A joke is made about Larry’s height
The use of alliteration, this time based
around the letter ‘F’
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki and Larry sit and put their feet up
at the same time
Songs: "Military Marching Cadence
(Sound Off)" - sung by Larry when he’s trying to rally the group to
follow him
"100 Bottles of Beer on the
Wall" - sung in Myposian by Balki with Jennifer and Mary Anne singing the
final line of the verse in English
"Relax" - sung by Balki when he
and Larry are caught in the quicksand
Interesting facts:
- This episode includes a brief recap of
the events from the previous week before the opening credits. The same is true
of all the two part episodes plus the first episode of season eight.
- During the filming of this episode,
Bronson got water and gunk in his ear while shooting the quicksand scene. He
flew to New York to do some interviews and while there came down with an ear
infection which prevented him from flying back for the next week’s shoot.
This
is why the following episode was the only flashback episode of the series, with
Bronson shooting his appearance in the final scene at a later time.
- A funny incident happened when the cast
was working with the bear named Trishka. Rebeca explained that when they were laying on the
ground pretending to be asleep the bear was supposed to walk through the scene,
but instead she kept coming over to the girls and nuzzling their hair instead.
It turns out Rebeca was chewing a stick of Dentyne and the bear wanted some.
Mark asked for some gum because he wanted the bear to come up to him as well!
- Trishka also has a thing for Mark
Linn-Baker. As Paula Roth explained to TV Guide, Trishka was supposed to
be menacing, but she loved Mark and just wanted to hug him, so Joel Zwick had a
difficult time getting the shot.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- One blooper that didn’t make the show
but is still notable is when Larry jumps up on the rock to view the river.
The
audience lets our a rousing cheer when he makes the jump and stands looking.
This is because on the first take Mark jumped and then promptly fell back off
the rock!
Synopsis:
The episode begins with a quick
establishing shot of the riverbank in the woods. In a clearing, Balki carries
Mary Anne over to a rock. Both are drenched. "We can . . . we can rest
here," Balki says, setting Mary Anne down. He sits next to her and reaches
over to pinch her cheeks. She spits out a large amount of water and starts
coughing. Jennifer enters the clearing behind them, carrying Larry in her arms.
Both are also drenched. She sets Larry down and everyone puts their life jackets
on the ground. "Jennifer! Thank God you’re alive," Mary Anne sighs.
"Yeah well, when I saw Larry coming to save me I thought I was a
goner," Jennifer replies. Larry looks mortified then stands up.
"All
right," he says, "the first thing we have to do is figure out how to
get out of here."
"No, Cousin," Balki contradicts,
also standing up, "the first thing we have to do is to figure out where
here is." The girls stand up 
now, looking worried. "You mean we’re
lost?" Jennifer asks, "No, no, no, no, we can’t be lost! The last
time you got us lost we were almost killed in an avalanche!" "Jennifer, don’t worry," Larry says calmly, "I’ll get us out
of here." "We’re going to die!" Jennifer screams, causing Mary
Anne to cry, "Oh my God! Oh my God!" "Ladies, ladies, ladies,
please!" Balki cries, covering their mouths for a moment, "Have some
consideration. You’re gonna wake up the owls. Now, let’s just take stock of
our situation. Huh? Now this happens to be a nice, safe spot for a campsite.
Isn’t
it? Yes! And now I’m gonna be handing out some assignments seeing that I’m
the camping leader. First of all we need somebody to hunt for nuts and berries,
we need somebody to head up the firewood committee, and one of you people gets
to dig for the good luck slug." Everyone looks at Balki strangely.
"Now let’s take the life jackets
and spread them out to dry," Balki suggests. "Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait," Larry says as the other set the life jackets out on a log,
"Why are we making camp? All we have to do is cut across the forest in . .
. " He eyes one direction then points the completely opposite way, " .
. . that direction and we’ll run right into the other fork of the river.
We
just follow it down to the campsite and we’ll be there in time for the big
barbecue and talent show." "Cousin, I think that we should stay here
and wait for a search party," Balki says. "I’m with Balki,"
Jennifer agrees. "Me, too," Mary Anne adds. "Uh, Balki, could I
speak with you privately?" Larry asks. "Oh sure," Balki says.
"Excuse us," Larry says to the girls and they sit down on a rock on
the other side of the clearing as Larry takes Balki aside. Larry smiles over at
the girls, who both give him a half-hearted smile back.
"You have got to let me lead
us out of here!" Larry insists to Balki. "You have got to be
kidding!" Balki answers. "Cousin, Jennifer and Mary Anne won’t
follow you," Balki notes, "I’m having kind of a hard time
myself." Balki starts back over to the girls but Larry 
stops him.
"All
right, wait wait wait wait. You’re the camping leader. They’ll follow me if
you tell them to." "Cousin, they lost their way, not their
minds," Balki replies, "But good news! I’m gonna put you in charge
of gathering nuts!" Balki squeezes Larry’s cheeks playfully. Once again
Balki starts toward the girls but Larry stops him. "Balki! If I don’t get
Jennifer’s respect back she won’t trust me again. If she doesn’t trust me,
she won’t go out with me any more." "Well, uh," Balki sighs.
"We’ll drift apart . . . I’ll wind up alone . . . heartbroken. No wife.
No children. Never to have a darling little tyke to climb into my lap and say in
a sweet, innocent voice, ‘When is Uncle Balki coming over to visit? I want him
to tell me more stories of Mypos.’" Balki is moved to tears. "Oh
Cousin, I want to be an uncle!" "Of course you do!" Larry agrees.
Balki cries, then melds into, "Even though I don’t know how that works
since we’re cousins."
They discuss this for a second until Balki
says, "Wait a minute. Are you sure you know how to get back to the
campsite?" "Of course!" Larry insists, "Nobody can be wrong
all the time!" Balki struggles with himself then says, "Okay!
I’ll
do it!" He stands 
confident for a moment until he realizes, "Oh . . .
I suppose I have to now break the news to Jennifer and Mary Anne." Larry
pats Balki’s shoulder and says, "You can do it!" "Okay!"
Balki says, not so confidently, "Well, here I go." He walks over to
where the girls are sitting. "Jennifer . . . uh, Mary Anne . . . first of
all I’d like to tell you just how lovely you look today." They look at
Balki incredulously. "Now, uh, I’ve been thinking about this," Balki
continues, "and as camping leader . . . I’ve decided that we should
follow Cousin Larry." "WHAT?" the girls ask in disbelief.
Larry
steps forward, assuming the role of a drill sergeant. "Get ‘em up!
Move
‘em out!" He goes into a sound off military marching cadence, trying to
inspire them to fall in, which they do, following him reluctantly into the
woods. "I don’t know but I’ve been told . . . " Larry sings,
waiting for the echoing reply which doesn’t come. "Illinois winters are
mighty cold," Larry sings, again waiting with no reply. "Sound
off!" No answer. "Sound off!" No reply as the weary troops follow
behind. "Ten count!" Larry counts off one, two, three, four, on his
fingers, then finishes with "Three four!" not concerned that no one else
is joining in.
Later the group reaches a clearing, still
following Larry. Balki is leading Jennifer and Mary in a rousing Myposian
version of "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" (Balki sings the first
three lines in Myposian and the girls sing the final line in English). Larry
stops and exclaims, "Look!" as he points away. He runs to a big rock
and jumps up on it, standing like a sentry for a moment before jumping down and
running back to them. "I can see the other fork of the river!" Larry
reports. Everyone cheers happily. "We made it!" cries Jennifer as she
throws herself into Larry’s arms. "And it only took us five hours!"
Mary Anne adds. "The campsite can’t be far from here," Larry says,
"I did it." "You did it!" Balki exclaims happily.
"I
did it!" Larry repeats triumphantly, then says, "We’ll rest here for
a few minutes then we’ll march into camp with our heads held high."
As the group steps forward we see there
are life jackets sitting on a log in the clearing. Balki, Jennifer and Mary Anne
all spot 
this. Balki steps forward to pick two of them up. "What’s
that?" Larry asks. "Life jackets," Balki sobs. "Those look
like the ones we left at the other clearing," Mary Anne notes. "Mary
Anne, this is the other clearing," Jennifer states as Balki drops
the life jackets in despair, then she turns on Larry. "We’ve been walking
for five hours and you led us in a circle." Jennifer grabs Larry by the
neck and starts throttling him viciously, forcing him to his knees as she
screams, "How could you lead us in a circle?!" Balki steps to them,
saying, "Jennifer, Jennifer. May I have a word with you? Now, is this
really fair? Shouldn’t you pick on someone your own size? Let me have him.
Let
me have him. Let go. I know it’s hard." Jennifer releases Larry’s neck
and Balki picks him up by the back of his shirt collar, saying, "Get
up." Balki eyes Larry for a moment, then asks, "How could you lead us
in a circle?" Balki starts throttling Larry but then stops himself, saying
"Sorry, sorry."
"All right, now," Balki says,
composing himself, "We’ve wasted a lot of daylight, so girls I want you
to go and search for firewood. 
Cousin Larry and I are going to forage the forest
for food." "Fine," Jennifer says. "But wait, let’s not
forage the forest for food so fast!" Larry cries, "Now I know what I
did wrong. Now I really know where I’m going. We head through the woods . . .
" Jennifer grabs Mary Anne by the arm and pulls her away to start looking
for firewood, saying, "Let’s get some firewood." Larry keeps trying
to get their attention with his idea, but the girls are hearing none of it.
"Cousin, Cousin," Balki urges, "It’s over . . . let it
go." Larry starts to cry pathetically. "I can’t," he whines as
he as he sits down on some rocks, "I just can’t!" "Cousin, come
on," Balki says as he squats down next to Larry, "Listen to me . . .
listen to me, listen . . . it’s gonna be great!" "Yeah?" Larry
whines. "We’re gonna build a fire!" Balki says, talking to Larry as
if he were a child, "And we’re gonna tell stories around the campfire!
And we’re gonna have a wonderful camping trip!"
"I don’t wanna have a wonderful
camping trip!" Larry whines. "You don’t?" Balki asks.
"No. I want Jennifer to respect me!" Larry 
sobs. "Well, Cousin, that ship
has sunk," Balki states plainly, causing Larry to cry harder. "I can’t
believe I did this," Larry sobs, "I can’t believe I did this!"
"Cousin, listen," Balki tries again, "Jennifer won’t be mad
forever." "She won’t?" Larry asks in a high-pitched squeal.
"No," Balki answers. "No?" Larry asks in that same voice.
"Would you stop . . . please don’t make that sound," Balki begs,
then continues, "Listen, you know what it is? It’s just every time her
life gets threatened she gets a little cranky." "Yeah, I suppose you’re
right," Larry sighs. "Well, you see, as soon as the forest ranger
comes to rescue us her head will be wearing a big happy face!" Balki
explains. "Forest ranger?" Larry asks in a low, serious voice, then he
stands up quickly, saying, "All right, wait a minute! Jennifer is not going
to be rescued by some good-looking guy. She’s going to be rescued by me!"
"All right, you stay here,"
Larry orders, "I’m going to go get help." Larry turns to leave but
Balki steps forward to stop him. "Now 
Cousin, Cousin no!" Balki
insists, "It’s going to be dark soon. It’s not safe to travel around
the woods alone." "Balki, there’s a full moon," Larry says.
"Cousin, you get lost in a full sun!" Balki points out. "Balki, I’m
going to find help or die trying!" Larry insists. He turns and takes one
step . . . right into a pit of quicksand. Larry stares up at Balki in shock.
"Boy, are you havin’ one bad day," Balki sighs. "Balki, help .
. . I’m stuck in quicksand!" Larry cries. "Cousin, don’t worry, I’ll
help you," Balki offers. He steps forward and reaches down to take Larry’s
two hands in his and tries to pull Larry up out of the quicksand, but instead
Balki slips and plunges into the quicksand himself. As they look at their
situation, Balki says, "It’s gonna be kind of hard to save you from
here." "Yes, yes it will," Larry steams. They both start to sink
slowly. Realizing this, they both start crying out for help as the scene fades
to black.
Act two begins with Balki and Larry still
sinking slowly in the quicksand calling for help. "Jennifer! Mary Anne!
Help!" Balki cries. 
"Where’d they go to get firewood? Canada?"
Larry asks, "Help!" "Cousin, if I don’t get out," Balki
says as he starts to sink more quickly, "I want you to pick up, I have a .
. . I have a . . . I have a roll of film at the Photorama." Larry sees
Balki is about to go under and cries, "Oh Balki! Balki, oh!"
He
reaches over and somehow manages to pull Balki back up so they are at the same
level again. They both breath a sigh of relief, then start to sink again.
"Cousin, cousin, wait, wait!" Balki says, "I know how to keep us
from sinking!" "How?" Larry asks. "Well, I saw this movie
once," Balki explains. "Yes?" Larry asks impatiently.
"Did
you ever see ‘Tarzan Fights for his Life?" By this time they’re about
the go under, so Larry shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
"Okay," Balki says as they’re chins go under, "Tarzan says that
. . . that if you don’t struggle then you won’t get caught in the
quicksand." "Okay, then relax," Larry urges.
"Relax!" they both repeat,
taking on mellow tones. Only their heads are above the surface now. "Ah!" they both sigh in turns.
"Balki?" Larry asks. "Yes?" Balki answers. "We’re not sinking," Larry notes.
"Well, of course we’re not! Tarzan don’t lie!" Balki laughs at his
own comment. "Now how are we going to get out of here?" Larry asks.
"Well, now Cousin," Balki begins. "Yeah?" 
"Over there,
there’s a nice branch you can grab." "Over where?" Larry asks.
"Over there!" Balki says, motioning behind Larry by widening his eyes.
"Over there?" Larry asks, motioning with his eyes behind Balki. "Over there!" Balki insists, emphasizing his look more.
"Oh, over
there!" Larry realizes, opening his eyes in the direction Balki was. "Over there," Balki confirms.
"Okay," Larry says, and slowly
his head starts to turn in the direction Balki was indicating. "Yes, I see
it!" Larry anounces. "Well then grab it!" Balki suggests.
"All right," Larry says, reaching for the branch. Balki urges him to
"Relax." "Yes, I’m relaxed, I’m relaxed," Larry repeats,
his hand appearing above the surface as he reaches for the branch. As his
fingers get closer he says, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
He suddenly starts to
sink and cries, "I’m sinking! I’m sinking!" as Balki yells,
"Relax! Relax!"
Finally Larry says, "I’m relaxed, I’m
relaxed," and is calm with his face just above the surface. They both
repeat, "Relax!" several times, and then Balki breaks into the song
"Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, singing, "Relax, don’t do
it, when you want to go to it . . . . " Larry slowly turns with his eyes
bugging out to stare at Balki incredulously. "Balki," Larry says
seriously. "Perhaps . . . perhaps I should try it," Balki suggests.
"Yes, by all means," Larry agrees. Balki slowly reaches a hand up
through the surface, 
showing that he’s caught on to the small end of the
branch that was under the quicksand. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Larry cries
excitedly. "See that?" Balki asks, pointing to the twig. Balki slowly
starts to pull himself out of the quicksand as Larry cries, "Yes!
Balki! Balki! You did it!" As Balki pulls himself toward the edge, Larry slips
under the surface. Balki reaches around behind and fishes for Larry, finally
pulling him up out of the muck by his hair. Larry is in a panic and scrambles
for the shore, pushing Balki under in his rush to get out. Sitting up on the
edge, Larry realizes Balki is under and cries, "Oh Balki!" as he
fishes for him. He finally pulls Balki up by the hair and Balki lunges at Larry
angrily, trying to throttle him again. Finally Larry helps pull Balki onto the
solid earth and they both lay exhausted in each others’ arms as Larry cries,
"We’re alive! We’re alive!"
Later that evening, they are all sitting
around a campfire. Larry is leaned back against a rock with his eyes closed.
Jennifer is 
brushing her hair while Mary Anne holds up a mirror for Jennifer to
see herself. "Who wants more of Balki’s all-natural trail mix?"
Balki asks, offering it on a leaf and adding, "Fresh off the trail."
The girls take some. "This stuff tastes delicious," Jennifer says,
"What do you call these nut-like things?" "Nuts," Balki
answers. He turns to offer some to Larry but sees his eyes are closed.
"I
think he’s asleep," Balki reports. "Well, at least we’re safe for
a while," Jennifer sighs. "Oh Jennifer, try not to be too hard on
Cousin Larry," Balki says, "He was just trying to show you a good
time." "But Balki, every time he tries to show me a good time they
send out a search party," Jennifer points out. "He knows that,"
Balki explains, "That’s the reason he tried to make this trip the best
trip you’ve ever taken." "And he struck out again . . . wow,"
Mary Anne gasps.
"Listen, I know how we can make him
feel better," Balki begins, "Um, we can use a trick the experts use.
I
saw one time this episode of ‘Fathers Knows Best’ and David had a problem
with Ricky. And he went into the . . . . " "No, Balki, I think you’re
talking about ‘Ozzie and Harriet," Jennifer corrects. "Ooh, right
right right!" Balki realizes, then continues, "So anyway, um . . . so
David got the Beav to pretend that he needed some help . . . . " "No,
no, wait," Jennifer interrupts again, "Balki, the Beav was on ‘Leave
it to Beaver.’" "Oh, of course! Right right right," Balki
agrees, "Thank you. Um . . . wait a minute, maybe it was . . . it was
Wally. Yeah! It was Wally who needed help. Okay . . . . "
"Was that
Wally on ‘Leave it to Beaver’ or Wally on ‘Ozzie and Harriet’?"
Jennifer asks. "I don’t know," Balki answers abruptly, bringing the
questions to an end. "Okay, so . . . somebody on television pretended that
they needed help so that somebody else on television would come and help them
and be the hero and get their confidence back," Balki explains.
"You mean that if we trick Larry into
doing something heroic maybe he’ll get his confidence back?" Jennifer
asks. "Yeah," Balki 
nods, "I was thinking maybe you could pretend
to be bitten by a snake and then I could run and hide in the bushes and you can
wake Cousin Larry up and then he can suck out the deadly poison." "Balki,
that’s great!" Mary Anne says excitedly as she starts digging in her bag.
"You like it?" Balki asks. "Yes," Mary Anne confirms,
"you can use my eyeliner pencil to draw the snake bite." Larry opens
his eyes and sits up as Jennifer asks, "Where should I put it? On my
hand?" "Uh, well I think your arm is better," Balki suggests.
"No, no, her leg!" Larry offers. "No, no, her arm is . . . "
Balki starts, then stops when he realizes Larry knows what’s going on. "Please . . . I don’t want your pity," Larry says.
He picks up his
life jacket as he gets up and moves away behind them, dropping it to the ground
and then flopping down dejectedly to the ground on top of it. "So what did
we decide?" Mary Anne asks, "Is it gonna be on your arm or on your
leg?"
Even later that night everyone is asleep.
Balki wakes up to see the fire has gone out, so he gets up and walks into the
woods to get some more firewood. Moments later a bear walks into the clearing,
passing behind Jennifer and Mary Anne and growling low. "Mary Anne, your
stomach is growling," Jennifer mumbles. "Sorry," Mary Anne
sleepily replies. The bear moves past them and Jennifer slowly opens her eyes,
seeing the bear as it starts to move away. She quickly shakes Mary Anne awake.
"Mary Anne! Mary Anne!" Jennifer whispers. "What?" Mary Anne
asks. She looks and they see the bear as it goes behind a nearby bush.
"Oh,
Balki!" Jennifer cries as Mary Anne realizes, "He’s gone."
They
run to wake up Larry instead. "Larry! Larry!" Jennifer cries.
"Oh, Jennifer, what is it?" Larry asks sleepily. "Bear!
Bear!" Jennifer says urgently. "A bear? Where?" Larry asks, wide
awake now. "There! There!" Jennifer cries, pointing to the bush, which
is moving slightly.
Larry looks around, then asks, "Where’s
Balki?" "He’s not here," Mary Anne explains. Larry smirks,
saying, "Of course he isn’t. I 
see what’s going on." "Larry,
Larry please, there really is a bear over there," Jennifer assures him.
"Oh, okay fine," Larry sighs, getting up. "Be careful!"
Jennifer urges as Larry walks to the bush, still looking skeptical. The bear
growls from behind the bush as Larry approaches. "Yoo hoo! Mr. Bear!"
Larry calls, "Are you hungry? Here’s my arm!" Larry sticks his arm
behind the bush. Jennifer gasps, "Larry, what are you doing??"
"I’m
scaring the bear away so I can get my confidence back," Larry explains,
then turns back toward the bush and says, "Boo! There. Okay?
I got my
confidence back." Larry walks back to the girls just as Balki returns with
the firewood, but Larry has his back turned so he doesn’t see him right away.
"All right, Balki . . . you can come out now," Larry calls. "What
are you doing up?" Balki asks. Larry turns and sees Balki and his eyes
widen. There is a loud growling and the bear emerges from the bush, now up on
its hind legs and moving toward them menacingly.
They react in fright. "Larry, he’s
gonna get us!" Jennifer cries. Larry immediately grabs one of the branches
Balki has gathered 
for firewood and yells, "All right! Everybody
back!" He runs toward the bear, waving the branch and yelling, "Back!
Back! Back, furball!" The bear puts its front paws on a rock while Larry
keeps up the waving and yelling. "I hate these woods and everything in it!
Just get out of my face! Leave us alone!" Larry keeps yelling until the
bear runs off into the woods. Larry yells triumphantly, waving the stick one
last time. Balki drops the firewood and walks to Larry in shock. "You could
have been killed!" Balki says. "You scared it away!" Mary Anne
says. "Larry, you saved our lives!" Jennifer adds. "I did?"
Larry asks, the realizes, "Well, I guess I did. I really scared that bear
away! I really risked my life! I . . . I really think you oughta catch me."
Larry starts to faint and they ready their hands for him to fall backward into
their arms, only he falls forward and lands face down on the ground.
Larry and Balki return home and walk into
their apartment. "Ho boy," Larry sighs as they enter, "Some
weekend, huh?" "Whoa, you can say that again," Balki agrees,
"You believe that Sunday night traffic?" Larry eyes Balki in
exasperation. "Balki, I was referring to almost drowning in a river,
getting lost in the woods and being attacked by a bear," Larry explains.
"Oh! Well, that 
too," Balki agrees, "Yes, by all means that was
quite . . . quite something." They move to the couch and both sit down and
put their feet up on the coffee table at the same time. The bottoms of their
boots are coated with mud. "How long do you think it will be before
Jennifer forgets that I saved her life and remembers that I was the one who
risked it?" Larry asks. "Oh, ‘bout a . . . week, ten days
tops," Balki answers. "Well, I’m gonna enjoy it while I can,"
Larry says, "You know, on the bus ride home Jennifer looked at me
differently. Her eyes swelled up with what I have to think is a newfound respect
for me." "Well, they did swell up, Cousin," Balki agrees,
"but I’m pretty sure it was from the poison ivy you gather for her to
sleep on." "Poison ivy?" Larry asks, "Can’t be.
I used the
same leaves to make my bed." As Larry says this he starts to scratch his
shoulder. Balki looks at this and Larry slowly realizes the truth, then starts
scratching more vigorously.
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