Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 57 - Up a Lazy River, Part Two

First Air Date: November 25, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 13.5 HH

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous|
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be just barely be seen sitting on the bookcase when Balki and Larry come home, wearing what appears to be a red shawl or coat (or maybe even a life jacket?)

Balki-isms:
"I saw one time this episode of ‘Fathers Knows Best’ . . . "
"Cousin, you get lost in a full sun!"

Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Yes!  Yes!"
"I don’t know!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki, Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne go on a trip which turns into a disaster
Larry paints a bleak picture of the future to manipulate Balki into doing something
A joke is made about Larry’s height
The use of alliteration, this time based around the letter ‘F’
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki and Larry sit and put their feet up at the same time

Songs: "Military Marching Cadence (Sound Off)" - sung by Larry when he’s trying to rally the group to follow him
"100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" - sung in Myposian by Balki with Jennifer and Mary Anne singing the final line of the verse in English
"Relax" - sung by Balki when he and Larry are caught in the quicksand

Interesting facts:
- This episode includes a brief recap of the events from the previous week before the opening credits.  The same is true of all the two part episodes plus the first episode of season eight.
- During the filming of this episode, Bronson got water and gunk in his ear while shooting the quicksand scene.  He flew to New York to do some interviews and while there came down with an ear infection which prevented him from flying back for the next week’s shoot.  This is why the following episode was the only flashback episode of the series, with Bronson shooting his appearance in the final scene at a later time.
- A funny incident happened when the cast was working with the bear named Trishka.  Rebeca explained that when they were laying on the ground pretending to be asleep the bear was supposed to walk through the scene, but instead she kept coming over to the girls and nuzzling their hair instead.  It turns out Rebeca was chewing a stick of Dentyne and the bear wanted some.  Mark asked for some gum because he wanted the bear to come up to him as well!
- Trishka also has a thing for Mark Linn-Baker.  As Paula Roth explained to TV Guide, Trishka was supposed to be menacing, but she loved Mark and just wanted to hug him, so Joel Zwick had a difficult time getting the shot.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- One blooper that didn’t make the show but is still notable is when Larry jumps up on the rock to view the river.  The audience lets our a rousing cheer when he makes the jump and stands looking.  This is because on the first take Mark jumped and then promptly fell back off the rock!

Synopsis:
The episode begins with a quick establishing shot of the riverbank in the woods.  In a clearing, Balki carries Mary Anne over to a rock. Both are drenched.  "We can . . . we can rest here," Balki says, setting Mary Anne down.  He sits next to her and reaches over to pinch her cheeks.  She spits out a large amount of water and starts coughing.  Jennifer enters the clearing behind them, carrying Larry in her arms.  Both are also drenched.  She sets Larry down and everyone puts their life jackets on the ground.  "Jennifer!  Thank God you’re alive," Mary Anne sighs.  "Yeah well, when I saw Larry coming to save me I thought I was a goner," Jennifer replies.  Larry looks mortified then stands up.  "All right," he says, "the first thing we have to do is figure out how to get out of here."

"No, Cousin," Balki contradicts, also standing up, "the first thing we have to do is to figure out where here is."  The girls stand up now, looking worried.  "You mean we’re lost?" Jennifer asks, "No, no, no, no, we can’t be lost!  The last time you got us lost we were almost killed in an avalanche!"  "Jennifer, don’t worry," Larry says calmly, "I’ll get us out of here."  "We’re going to die!" Jennifer screams, causing Mary Anne to cry, "Oh my God!  Oh my God!"  "Ladies, ladies, ladies, please!" Balki cries, covering their mouths for a moment, "Have some consideration.  You’re gonna wake up the owls.  Now, let’s just take stock of our situation.  Huh?  Now this happens to be a nice, safe spot for a campsite.  Isn’t it?  Yes!  And now I’m gonna be handing out some assignments seeing that I’m the camping leader.  First of all we need somebody to hunt for nuts and berries, we need somebody to head up the firewood committee, and one of you people gets to dig for the good luck slug."  Everyone looks at Balki strangely.

"Now let’s take the life jackets and spread them out to dry," Balki suggests.  "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait," Larry says as the other set the life jackets out on a log, "Why are we making camp?  All we have to do is cut across the forest in . . . "  He eyes one direction then points the completely opposite way, " . . . that direction and we’ll run right into the other fork of the river.  We just follow it down to the campsite and we’ll be there in time for the big barbecue and talent show."  "Cousin, I think that we should stay here and wait for a search party," Balki says.  "I’m with Balki," Jennifer agrees.  "Me, too," Mary Anne adds.  "Uh, Balki, could I speak with you privately?" Larry asks.  "Oh sure," Balki says.  "Excuse us," Larry says to the girls and they sit down on a rock on the other side of the clearing as Larry takes Balki aside.  Larry smiles over at the girls, who both give him a half-hearted smile back.

"You have got to let me lead us out of here!" Larry insists to Balki.  "You have got to be kidding!" Balki answers.  "Cousin, Jennifer and Mary Anne won’t follow you," Balki notes, "I’m having kind of a hard time myself."  Balki starts back over to the girls but Larry stops him.  "All right, wait wait wait wait.  You’re the camping leader.  They’ll follow me if you tell them to."  "Cousin, they lost their way, not their minds," Balki replies, "But good news!  I’m gonna put you in charge of gathering nuts!"  Balki squeezes Larry’s cheeks playfully.  Once again Balki starts toward the girls but Larry stops him.  "Balki!  If I don’t get Jennifer’s respect back she won’t trust me again.  If she doesn’t trust me, she won’t go out with me any more."  "Well, uh," Balki sighs.  "We’ll drift apart . . . I’ll wind up alone . . . heartbroken.  No wife.  No children.  Never to have a darling little tyke to climb into my lap and say in a sweet, innocent voice, ‘When is Uncle Balki coming over to visit?  I want him to tell me more stories of Mypos.’"  Balki is moved to tears.  "Oh Cousin, I want to be an uncle!"  "Of course you do!" Larry agrees.  Balki cries, then melds into, "Even though I don’t know how that works since we’re cousins."

They discuss this for a second until Balki says, "Wait a minute.  Are you sure you know how to get back to the campsite?"  "Of course!" Larry insists, "Nobody can be wrong all the time!"  Balki struggles with himself then says, "Okay!  I’ll do it!"  He stands confident for a moment until he realizes, "Oh . . . I suppose I have to now break the news to Jennifer and Mary Anne."  Larry pats Balki’s shoulder and says, "You can do it!"  "Okay!" Balki says, not so confidently, "Well, here I go."  He walks over to where the girls are sitting.  "Jennifer . . . uh, Mary Anne . . . first of all I’d like to tell you just how lovely you look today."  They look at Balki incredulously.  "Now, uh, I’ve been thinking about this," Balki continues, "and as camping leader . . . I’ve decided that we should follow Cousin Larry."  "WHAT?" the girls ask in disbelief.  Larry steps forward, assuming the role of a drill sergeant.  "Get ‘em up!  Move ‘em out!"  He goes into a sound off military marching cadence, trying to inspire them to fall in, which they do, following him reluctantly into the woods.  "I don’t know but I’ve been told . . . " Larry sings, waiting for the echoing reply which doesn’t come.  "Illinois winters are mighty cold," Larry sings, again waiting with no reply.  "Sound off!"  No answer.  "Sound off!"  No reply as the weary troops follow behind.  "Ten count!"  Larry counts off one, two, three, four, on his fingers, then finishes with "Three four!" not concerned that no one else is joining in.

Later the group reaches a clearing, still following Larry.  Balki is leading Jennifer and Mary in a rousing Myposian version of "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" (Balki sings the first three lines in Myposian and the girls sing the final line in English).  Larry stops and exclaims, "Look!" as he points away.  He runs to a big rock and jumps up on it, standing like a sentry for a moment before jumping down and running back to them.  "I can see the other fork of the river!" Larry reports.  Everyone cheers happily.  "We made it!" cries Jennifer as she throws herself into Larry’s arms.  "And it only took us five hours!" Mary Anne adds.  "The campsite can’t be far from here," Larry says, "I did it."  "You did it!" Balki exclaims happily.  "I did it!" Larry repeats triumphantly, then says, "We’ll rest here for a few minutes then we’ll march into camp with our heads held high."

As the group steps forward we see there are life jackets sitting on a log in the clearing.  Balki, Jennifer and Mary Anne all spot this.  Balki steps forward to pick two of them up.  "What’s that?" Larry asks.  "Life jackets," Balki sobs.  "Those look like the ones we left at the other clearing," Mary Anne notes.  "Mary Anne, this is the other clearing," Jennifer states as Balki drops the life jackets in despair, then she turns on Larry.  "We’ve been walking for five hours and you led us in a circle."  Jennifer grabs Larry by the neck and starts throttling him viciously, forcing him to his knees as she screams, "How could you lead us in a circle?!"  Balki steps to them, saying, "Jennifer, Jennifer.  May I have a word with you?  Now, is this really fair?  Shouldn’t you pick on someone your own size?  Let me have him.  Let me have him.  Let go.  I know it’s hard."  Jennifer releases Larry’s neck and Balki picks him up by the back of his shirt collar, saying, "Get up."  Balki eyes Larry for a moment, then asks, "How could you lead us in a circle?"  Balki starts throttling Larry but then stops himself, saying "Sorry, sorry."

"All right, now," Balki says, composing himself, "We’ve wasted a lot of daylight, so girls I want you to go and search for firewood.  Cousin Larry and I are going to forage the forest for food."  "Fine," Jennifer says.  "But wait, let’s not forage the forest for food so fast!" Larry cries, "Now I know what I did wrong.  Now I really know where I’m going.  We head through the woods . . . "  Jennifer grabs Mary Anne by the arm and pulls her away to start looking for firewood, saying, "Let’s get some firewood."  Larry keeps trying to get their attention with his idea, but the girls are hearing none of it.  "Cousin, Cousin," Balki urges, "It’s over . . . let it go."  Larry starts to cry pathetically.  "I can’t," he whines as he as he sits down on some rocks, "I just can’t!"  "Cousin, come on," Balki says as he squats down next to Larry, "Listen to me . . . listen to me, listen . . . it’s gonna be great!"  "Yeah?" Larry whines.  "We’re gonna build a fire!" Balki says, talking to Larry as if he were a child, "And we’re gonna tell stories around the campfire!  And we’re gonna have a wonderful camping trip!"

"I don’t wanna have a wonderful camping trip!" Larry whines.  "You don’t?" Balki asks.  "No.  I want Jennifer to respect me!" Larry sobs.  "Well, Cousin, that ship has sunk," Balki states plainly, causing Larry to cry harder.  "I can’t believe I did this," Larry sobs, "I can’t believe I did this!"  "Cousin, listen," Balki tries again, "Jennifer won’t be mad forever."  "She won’t?" Larry asks in a high-pitched squeal.  "No," Balki answers.  "No?" Larry asks in that same voice.  "Would you stop . . . please don’t make that sound," Balki begs, then continues, "Listen, you know what it is?  It’s just every time her life gets threatened she gets a little cranky."  "Yeah, I suppose you’re right," Larry sighs.  "Well, you see, as soon as the forest ranger comes to rescue us her head will be wearing a big happy face!" Balki explains.  "Forest ranger?" Larry asks in a low, serious voice, then he stands up quickly, saying, "All right, wait a minute!  Jennifer is not going to be rescued by some good-looking guy.  She’s going to be rescued by me!"

"All right, you stay here," Larry orders, "I’m going to go get help."  Larry turns to leave but Balki steps forward to stop him.  "Now Cousin, Cousin no!" Balki insists, "It’s going to be dark soon.  It’s not safe to travel around the woods alone."  "Balki, there’s a full moon," Larry says.  "Cousin, you get lost in a full sun!" Balki points out.  "Balki, I’m going to find help or die trying!" Larry insists.  He turns and takes one step . . . right into a pit of quicksand.  Larry stares up at Balki in shock.  "Boy, are you havin’ one bad day," Balki sighs.  "Balki, help . . . I’m stuck in quicksand!" Larry cries.  "Cousin, don’t worry, I’ll help you," Balki offers.  He steps forward and reaches down to take Larry’s two hands in his and tries to pull Larry up out of the quicksand, but instead Balki slips and plunges into the quicksand himself.  As they look at their situation, Balki says, "It’s gonna be kind of hard to save you from here."  "Yes, yes it will," Larry steams.  They both start to sink slowly.  Realizing this, they both start crying out for help as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins with Balki and Larry still sinking slowly in the quicksand calling for help.  "Jennifer!  Mary Anne!  Help!" Balki cries.  "Where’d they go to get firewood?  Canada?" Larry asks, "Help!"  "Cousin, if I don’t get out," Balki says as he starts to sink more quickly, "I want you to pick up, I have a . . . I have a . . . I have a roll of film at the Photorama."  Larry sees Balki is about to go under and cries, "Oh Balki!  Balki, oh!"  He reaches over and somehow manages to pull Balki back up so they are at the same level again.  They both breath a sigh of relief, then start to sink again.  "Cousin, cousin, wait, wait!" Balki says, "I know how to keep us from sinking!"  "How?" Larry asks.  "Well, I saw this movie once," Balki explains.  "Yes?" Larry asks impatiently.  "Did you ever see ‘Tarzan Fights for his Life?"  By this time they’re about the go under, so Larry shouts, "Spit it out!  Spit it out!"  "Okay," Balki says as they’re chins go under, "Tarzan says that . . . that if you don’t struggle then you won’t get caught in the quicksand."  "Okay, then relax," Larry urges.

"Relax!" they both repeat, taking on mellow tones.  Only their heads are above the surface now.  "Ah!" they both sigh in turns.  "Balki?" Larry asks.  "Yes?" Balki answers.  "We’re not sinking," Larry notes.  "Well, of course we’re not!  Tarzan don’t lie!" Balki laughs at his own comment.  "Now how are we going to get out of here?" Larry asks.  "Well, now Cousin," Balki begins.  "Yeah?"  "Over there, there’s a nice branch you can grab."  "Over where?" Larry asks.  "Over there!" Balki says, motioning behind Larry by widening his eyes.  "Over there?" Larry asks, motioning with his eyes behind Balki.  "Over there!" Balki insists, emphasizing his look more.  "Oh, over there!" Larry realizes, opening his eyes in the direction Balki was.  "Over there," Balki confirms.  "Okay," Larry says, and slowly his head starts to turn in the direction Balki was indicating.  "Yes, I see it!" Larry anounces.  "Well then grab it!" Balki suggests.  "All right," Larry says, reaching for the branch.  Balki urges him to "Relax."  "Yes, I’m relaxed, I’m relaxed," Larry repeats, his hand appearing above the surface as he reaches for the branch.  As his fingers get closer he says, "Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!"  He suddenly starts to sink and cries, "I’m sinking!  I’m sinking!" as Balki yells, "Relax!  Relax!"

Finally Larry says, "I’m relaxed, I’m relaxed," and is calm with his face just above the surface.  They both repeat, "Relax!" several times, and then Balki breaks into the song "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, singing, "Relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it . . . . "  Larry slowly turns with his eyes bugging out to stare at Balki incredulously.  "Balki," Larry says seriously.  "Perhaps . . . perhaps I should try it," Balki suggests.  "Yes, by all means," Larry agrees.  Balki slowly reaches a hand up through the surface, showing that he’s caught on to the small end of the branch that was under the quicksand.  "Yes!  Yes!  Yes!" Larry cries excitedly.  "See that?" Balki asks, pointing to the twig.  Balki slowly starts to pull himself out of the quicksand as Larry cries, "Yes!  Balki!  Balki!  You did it!"  As Balki pulls himself toward the edge, Larry slips under the surface.  Balki reaches around behind and fishes for Larry, finally pulling him up out of the muck by his hair.  Larry is in a panic and scrambles for the shore, pushing Balki under in his rush to get out.  Sitting up on the edge, Larry realizes Balki is under and cries, "Oh Balki!" as he fishes for him.  He finally pulls Balki up by the hair and Balki lunges at Larry angrily, trying to throttle him again.  Finally Larry helps pull Balki onto the solid earth and they both lay exhausted in each others’ arms as Larry cries, "We’re alive!  We’re alive!"

Later that evening, they are all sitting around a campfire.  Larry is leaned back against a rock with his eyes closed.  Jennifer is brushing her hair while Mary Anne holds up a mirror for Jennifer to see herself.  "Who wants more of Balki’s all-natural trail mix?" Balki asks, offering it on a leaf and adding, "Fresh off the trail."  The girls take some.  "This stuff tastes delicious," Jennifer says, "What do you call these nut-like things?"  "Nuts," Balki answers.  He turns to offer some to Larry but sees his eyes are closed.  "I think he’s asleep," Balki reports.  "Well, at least we’re safe for a while," Jennifer sighs.  "Oh Jennifer, try not to be too hard on Cousin Larry," Balki says, "He was just trying to show you a good time."  "But Balki, every time he tries to show me a good time they send out a search party," Jennifer points out.  "He knows that," Balki explains, "That’s the reason he tried to make this trip the best trip you’ve ever taken."  "And he struck out again . . . wow," Mary Anne gasps.

"Listen, I know how we can make him feel better," Balki begins, "Um, we can use a trick the experts use.  I saw one time this episode of ‘Fathers Knows Best’ and David had a problem with Ricky.  And he went into the . . . . "  "No, Balki, I think you’re talking about ‘Ozzie and Harriet," Jennifer corrects.  "Ooh, right right right!" Balki realizes, then continues, "So anyway, um . . . so David got the Beav to pretend that he needed some help . . . . "  "No, no, wait," Jennifer interrupts again, "Balki, the Beav was on ‘Leave it to Beaver.’"  "Oh, of course!  Right right right," Balki agrees, "Thank you.  Um . . . wait a minute, maybe it was . . . it was Wally.  Yeah!  It was Wally who needed help.  Okay . . . . "  "Was that Wally on ‘Leave it to Beaver’ or Wally on ‘Ozzie and Harriet’?" Jennifer asks.  "I don’t know," Balki answers abruptly, bringing the questions to an end.  "Okay, so . . . somebody on television pretended that they needed help so that somebody else on television would come and help them and be the hero and get their confidence back," Balki explains.

"You mean that if we trick Larry into doing something heroic maybe he’ll get his confidence back?" Jennifer asks.  "Yeah," Balki nods, "I was thinking maybe you could pretend to be bitten by a snake and then I could run and hide in the bushes and you can wake Cousin Larry up and then he can suck out the deadly poison."  "Balki, that’s great!" Mary Anne says excitedly as she starts digging in her bag.  "You like it?" Balki asks.  "Yes," Mary Anne confirms, "you can use my eyeliner pencil to draw the snake bite."  Larry opens his eyes and sits up as Jennifer asks, "Where should I put it?  On my hand?"  "Uh, well I think your arm is better," Balki suggests.  "No, no, her leg!" Larry offers.  "No, no, her arm is . . . " Balki starts, then stops when he realizes Larry knows what’s going on.  "Please . . . I don’t want your pity," Larry says.  He picks up his life jacket as he gets up and moves away behind them, dropping it to the ground and then flopping down dejectedly to the ground on top of it.  "So what did we decide?" Mary Anne asks, "Is it gonna be on your arm or on your leg?"

Even later that night everyone is asleep.  Balki wakes up to see the fire has gone out, so he gets up and walks into the woods to get some more firewood.  Moments later a bear walks into the clearing, passing behind Jennifer and Mary Anne and growling low.  "Mary Anne, your stomach is growling," Jennifer mumbles.  "Sorry," Mary Anne sleepily replies.  The bear moves past them and Jennifer slowly opens her eyes, seeing the bear as it starts to move away.  She quickly shakes Mary Anne awake.  "Mary Anne!  Mary Anne!" Jennifer whispers.  "What?" Mary Anne asks.  She looks and they see the bear as it goes behind a nearby bush.  "Oh, Balki!" Jennifer cries as Mary Anne realizes, "He’s gone."  They run to wake up Larry instead.  "Larry! Larry!" Jennifer cries.  "Oh, Jennifer, what is it?" Larry asks sleepily.  "Bear!  Bear!" Jennifer says urgently.  "A bear?  Where?" Larry asks, wide awake now.  "There!  There!" Jennifer cries, pointing to the bush, which is moving slightly.

Larry looks around, then asks, "Where’s Balki?"  "He’s not here," Mary Anne explains.  Larry smirks, saying, "Of course he isn’t.  I see what’s going on."  "Larry, Larry please, there really is a bear over there," Jennifer assures him.  "Oh, okay fine," Larry sighs, getting up.  "Be careful!" Jennifer urges as Larry walks to the bush, still looking skeptical.  The bear growls from behind the bush as Larry approaches.  "Yoo hoo!  Mr. Bear!" Larry calls, "Are you hungry?  Here’s my arm!"  Larry sticks his arm behind the bush.  Jennifer gasps, "Larry, what are you doing??"  "I’m scaring the bear away so I can get my confidence back," Larry explains, then turns back toward the bush and says, "Boo!  There.  Okay?  I got my confidence back."  Larry walks back to the girls just as Balki returns with the firewood, but Larry has his back turned so he doesn’t see him right away.  "All right, Balki . . . you can come out now," Larry calls.  "What are you doing up?" Balki asks.  Larry turns and sees Balki and his eyes widen.  There is a loud growling and the bear emerges from the bush, now up on its hind legs and moving toward them menacingly.

They react in fright.  "Larry, he’s gonna get us!" Jennifer cries.  Larry immediately grabs one of the branches Balki has gathered for firewood and yells, "All right!  Everybody back!"  He runs toward the bear, waving the branch and yelling, "Back!  Back!  Back, furball!"  The bear puts its front paws on a rock while Larry keeps up the waving and yelling.  "I hate these woods and everything in it!  Just get out of my face!  Leave us alone!"  Larry keeps yelling until the bear runs off into the woods.  Larry yells triumphantly, waving the stick one last time.  Balki drops the firewood and walks to Larry in shock.  "You could have been killed!" Balki says.  "You scared it away!" Mary Anne says.  "Larry, you saved our lives!" Jennifer adds.  "I did?" Larry asks, the realizes, "Well, I guess I did.  I really scared that bear away!  I really risked my life!  I . . . I really think you oughta catch me."  Larry starts to faint and they ready their hands for him to fall backward into their arms, only he falls forward and lands face down on the ground.

Larry and Balki return home and walk into their apartment.  "Ho boy," Larry sighs as they enter, "Some weekend, huh?"  "Whoa, you can say that again," Balki agrees, "You believe that Sunday night traffic?"  Larry eyes Balki in exasperation.  "Balki, I was referring to almost drowning in a river, getting lost in the woods and being attacked by a bear," Larry explains.  "Oh!  Well, that too," Balki agrees, "Yes, by all means that was quite . . . quite something."  They move to the couch and both sit down and put their feet up on the coffee table at the same time.  The bottoms of their boots are coated with mud.  "How long do you think it will be before Jennifer forgets that I saved her life and remembers that I was the one who risked it?" Larry asks.  "Oh, ‘bout a . . . week, ten days tops," Balki answers.  "Well, I’m gonna enjoy it while I can," Larry says, "You know, on the bus ride home Jennifer looked at me differently.  Her eyes swelled up with what I have to think is a newfound respect for me."  "Well, they did swell up, Cousin," Balki agrees, "but I’m pretty sure it was from the poison ivy you gather for her to sleep on."  "Poison ivy?" Larry asks, "Can’t be.  I used the same leaves to make my bed."  As Larry says this he starts to scratch his shoulder.  Balki looks at this and Larry slowly realizes the truth, then starts scratching more vigorously.

Continue on to the next episode . . .