Nielsen Rating: 14.9 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 56 - Up a Lazy River, Part One
First Air Date: November 18, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 14.9 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: James O’Keefe and Alan Plotkin
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Ms. Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Harry Woolf: Group Leader
Robert Brian Wilson: Guide (Raft Rental person)
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen
on the bookcase shelf wearing a blue sleeping bag just like Balki and Larry’s.
Balki-isms:
"I know my Cousin Larry like the back of my head . . . "
"I’m getting a deja voodoo."
"Cousin, you’re bringing beer?"
"Well, I think he sold you a bill of rights."
"Cousin, wake up and smell the propane."
"The river has a fork in the road."
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Well, I’ll be snookered."
"I’ll bet you did."
"Hi!" in stereo
"Wwowww!!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki, Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne go on a trip which turns into a disaster
Balki laughs at his own joke
Jennifer catches Balki and Larry in an embarrassing position or situation
Balki and Larry speak quickly, saying different things as they try to decide
something, then answer suddenly in unison
Harriette insults Lydia
Larry has a plan to try to impress Jennifer
Larry asks Balki how many times he’s done something to which Balki hems and
haws until finally admitting none, to which Larry asks, "None, as in zero,
as in never ever . . . " to which Balki replies "That is
correct."
Songs: "Proud Mary" - sung by Balki and Larry just before they rent a raft
Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode, Up a Lazy River,
is a reference to a classic song of the same title written by Hoagy Carmichael
and Sidney Arodin and published in 1930.
- This is the second two-part episode of the series, all of which involved a
trip gone horribly wrong (apart from the season finale, unless you call going up
in a balloon a trip that's gone horribly wrong as well!) It should be noted that Balki even refers to
their first two part misadventure, Snow Way to Treat a Lady, when he
reminds Larry about how the last time he tried to get Jennifer away on a
romantic weekend was when they went skiing and consequently became trapped in an
avalanche.
- When Balki says "Good golly, Miss Molly," he is quoting a popular
song by Little Richard.
- Along for the camping trip are the woman (who works in the mail room) and man
(whom we’ve seen in various scenes) from previous episodes. These actors were
never credited for their recurring roles.
- Harry Woolf, who plays the Group Leader in this episode, appeared on the
series before as Max the news stand owner in the first season episode, Happy
Birthday, Baby.
- Robert Brian Wilson, who appears briefly as the River Raft Guide, is best
known for playing Billy, the psychotic Santa Claus suited killer, in the cult
classic horror film Silent Night, Deadly Night. He left acting in the
early 90's and according to IMDb now heads a Fortune 500 company.
- As was the case with the previous two-part episode, some scenes were filmed
with stuntmen on location while the in-studio scenes were filmed using a green
screen technique. The actors performed the raft scenes in front of a large
green screen and footage of the river setting was later superimposed in the
background. The raft was situated on a large movable stand which worked to
make it seem like it was bucking and tossing in the water, and water was thrown
up on the actors from below.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- There’s an odd moment when Jennifer is standing over Balki and Larry, who
are stuck together in the sleeping bag, where the 
front door, which should be to
her left, is suddenly to her right. This is because a couple of shots of
Jennifer have been reversed! This was probably to help improve the angle
of her looking down at them on film. The photo to the far left is the
correct shot and the one to the immediate left is the reversed shot. It's
not too obvious at first because the framed photo of the two trees is to her
right in both shots. But look closely and you'll see the shadow of the
tree is going the other direction. And the framed artwork over the
fireplace is really the giveaway . . . not not only is it suddenly to Jennifer's
left but the colors are reversed!
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle. There are
notices taped to the walls announcing an upcoming camping trip for Chronicle
employees. The elevator door opens and Balki and Harriette step out, Balki
looking pleased with himself. "Thanks for letting me drive, Harriette,"
Balki says, "When do I get to do it again?" "How ‘bout
the twelfth of never?" Harriette responds. "I’ll pencil you
in," Balki replies nicely. "So, are you and Larry going with us
on the company camping trip?" Harriette asks. "Oh, I am but, uh,
Cousin Larry don’t do well out of doors," Balki answers, "I know my
Cousin Larry like the back of my head . . . there’s no way, no how, Cousin
Larry is going camping." Larry enters from the other direction,
carrying one of the flyers for the trip, and announces, "Balki, we’re
going camping!" Balki looks at Harriette and admits, "Bad
call." Harriette walks back into the elevator and closes the door.
Balki approaches Larry at his desk,
saying, "Cousin, I don’t understand. You said you hate
camping." "I do," Larry admits, "but Jennifer loves
it. She thinks it’s romantic. This is my chance to get Jennifer
away for a romantic weekend." "Wait a minute, Cousin,"
Balki says nervously, twitching as he speaks, "I’m getting a deja
voodoo. The last time you tried to get Jennifer away for a romantic
weekend was the time you took us skiing, which resulted in our being trapped in
an avalanche." "Jennifer has forgotten all about that,"
Larry assures Balki. "Oh, is that right?" Balki asks.
"Yes, it is." "Really?" Balki continues, "Well,
that’s interesting. I would have thought it would be hard to forget
being buried alive."
Jennifer enters from the parking garage
and approaches them. "Hi, guys!" "Hi, Jennifer," Balki
offers. "Are you ready to go to 
lunch?" she asks.
"Jennifer, I
have a wonderful surprise for you," Larry announces, "How would you
like to go camping?" "I’d love it!" Jennifer says
enthusiastically, and then her expression falls as she asks, "Oh, you mean
with you?" "The memory lingers on," Balki says in Larry’s
ear, hiding his laughter. "You know, I still hyperventilate every time I
pass a ski shop," Jennifer says to Balki. "Well, you got to be
equipped with a paper bag," Balki explains, "Slip it over your head
and do some deep breathing. Get it all up here." He indicates his
diaphragm. "Like this, right?" Jennifer asks, practicing. "Hey,
hey, hey! People, people, people! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Larry
interrupts them, "Doesn’t forgive and forget mean anything?" Balki
and Jennifer both think about it then answer simultaneously, "No."
"This trip will be different,"
Larry insists, "It’s totally organized. We’ll be with a big
group." "I don’t know," Jennifer sighs, "You . . . the
woods . . . so much could go wrong." Larry looks shocked and thinks a
moment. "You’re right," he finally says, "You’re right, you
are absolutely right. I couldn’t agree with you more. And . . . and I
wouldn’t even go camping with just me. That’s why, uh . . . that’s why, uh
. . . " He thinks quickly, eyeing Balki who is standing close by, listening
with his back turned. "Uh . . . that’s why Balki is going to be the
camping leader," Larry announces. Balki turns with amazement, asking,
"I am?" "Didn’t I tell you that?" Larry asks. "No," Balki answers.
"Where’s my head?" Larry sighs,
"Oh, it’s a good thing I’m not in charge." He laughs and Jennifer
laughs as well.
"I . . . I’m going to be the
leader?" Balki asks. "Yes," Larry confirms. "Oh, you never
let me lead before!" Balki says happily. "Well, you weren’t ready
before," Larry explains. "No?" "No, now you are!" Larry
says. "Yes?" Balki asks. "Yes," Larry says, then
turns back
to Jennifer to say, "Balki is a master of the wilderness. Why, he was
practically born outdoors." "I was born outdoors," Balki
informs them. "Well, there you are!" Larry states, "Now can I
pick a leader or what?" "Well, I . . . I guess if Balki is going to
lead," Jennifer thinks aloud. "You’ll go?" Larry asks, not
waiting for an answer, "Great!" He turns back to Balki. "Balki,
you wanna lead us to lunch?" "Well, this is fun!" Balki says
happily, picking up his jacket, "Let’s see. How would you like to go to
Bosco’s House of Liver and Waffles?" Jennifer and Larry look concerned.
"Liver and waffles?" Jennifer asks. "Well, if you don’t mind
the drive thru there’s always Eels on Wheels." "Uh, Larry, why don’t
you lead this one?" Jennifer suggests. "Yeah," Larry
agrees, leading Jennifer to the parking garage as Balki follows behind,
suggesting, "Well, uh . . . or there’s always Jack’s Escar-Go-Go with
the little snails . . . " Balki shimmies after them.
Later that evening at the apartment, there
is camping equipment strewn all around the living room. A pup tent is set up by
the fireplace, various equipment is sitting on the coffee table, which has been
moved forward, and an air mattress is on the floor where the couch usually is,
as the couch has been pushed back. Larry exits the tent carrying a lantern,
which he fiddles with. Balki comes in through the front door, looking around as
he says, "Cousin, Mary Anne says that, uh . . . that she would be, um . . .
coming with us. What is all this?" "Balki, this is what we need to go
camping," Larry explains, "Here’s your state-of-the-art all-season
tent, your self-contained, self-igniting propane stove, your double-manteled
high-intensity camping lantern with optional bug light." "Cousin, you’re
bringing beer?" Balki asks with confusion. "Bug light," Larry
clarifies, emphasizing the "g", "Bug light!"
"But Cousin, I thought the idea of
camping was just man and nature with nothing in between," Balki states.
"Don’t you think I know that?" Larry asks, "And hey . . . if it
were just you and me I’d bring nothing but my trusty hunting knife. But we’re
bringing women." "Well, Cousin, on Mypos when we bring women it’s
easier. They do all the heavy lifting." "And would Jennifer and Mary
Anne were like that hardy breed," Larry comments, "But they’re not.
Roughing it does not make American women feel romantic. Comfort does."
"Well, I want them to feel comfortable," Balki agrees, "but good
golly, Miss Molly, do we really need all this?" "Well, I have already
whittled it down to the bare essentials," Larry assures Balki as they walk
across the living room, "I’m still undecided about the portable
shower." Larry picks up a canister with a spout on one end.
"What this?" Balki asks,
pointing to something lying on the air mattress. "Ah!" Larry says,
"Take your shoes off, step into this baby, give it a try. This is a top of
the line, all-weather, waterproof sleeping bag." Balki steps into the
sleeping bag pulling it up around him as he stands. "And, when nestled on a
Nature Sleep super soft air mattress," Larry continues, pointing to the
inflated mattress on the ground, "it provides comfort and warmth. Two of
the ingredients necessary for a romantic camping trip. In fact, the man at the
store said that in the event of an emergency two people could fit in this
bag." "Well, I think he sold you a bill of rights," Balki scoffs,
"There’s no way you could get two people in here." "Sure you
can," Larry argues. "No, I don’t think so," Balki states.
"Well," Larry sighs, starting to step into the bag with Balki. "What are you doing?" Balki asks.
"I’ll show you," Larry
insists. "Well, I . . . Cousin, can I just save you some time?" Balki
says, "There’s no way two people are gonna fit in this bag."
"Well, let me save you some
time," Larry remarks, "Two people will fit in here, no problem."
"All right, Cousin, there’s . . . you know, other things we could be
doing," Balki sighs as Larry starts to zip up the bag with both of them in
it, "This is eating up my 
day, you know."
Larry finishes zipping up
the bag so they are both standing upright inside the sleeping bag together.
"There. Are you satisfied?" Larry asks. "Well, I’ll be
snookered," Balki says, "Two people can fit in here . . . but
they have to take turns breathing!" Balki laughs at his own joke.
"And
if it gets really cold," Larry says, "you just put on the hood."
Larry pulls the hood up over their heads and pulls the drawstring so that only
their faces, now close together, are showing. "My, it’s cozy in
here," Balki says with some uneasiness. "Of course it is," Larry
agrees, "Balki, the goose down in this bag . . . " "Oh!
Oh!!" Balki starts to scream. "What? What?!" Larry cries.
"There’s a goose down in this bag?" Balki cries, looking down into
the bag with terror.
"No, no, Balki!" Larry tries to
calm him but Balki keeps crying and carrying on. "You’re
hysterical!" Larry cries, poking Balki to try to get him to calm down.
Balki pokes Larry back and they keep doing this until Larry cries, "Balki,
Stop it! Stop it!" Once Balki has calmed down, Larry says, "Feathers!
Goose feathers. The goose feathers in the lining of this bag will protect us
down to a temperature of sixty below." "Well, Cousin, I’m
sorry," Balki offers, "As a child I had a very traumatic experience
with a goose." Balki looks away in shame as Larry eyes him for a moment.
"I’ll bet you did," Larry finally comments. The phone on the counter
starts to ring and the cousins look at it. "Would you like to get that or
shall I?" Balki asks, laughing. Larry fumbles with the zipper but can’t
pull it down. "The zipper is stuck," Larry announces. "Too bad
you didn’t get a sleeping bag with a phone in it!" Balki laughs again.
They struggle to turn toward the phone but
find it difficult to move in the bag. "All right, all right," Larry
suggests, "Hopping. 
Hopping."
They struggle for a moment, then hop in
unison as they call, "Hop! Hop! Hop!" They reach the counter and lean
down over it, Balki finally managing to get the cord going into the receiver in
his teeth to pick the receiver up off the cradle. They stand up and Larry
manages to push his hand out far enough to take the receiver as he says,
"All right . . . you talk, I’ll listen." "Hello? Hello?"
Balki calls. "Balki," Larry says. "Hello? Hello?"
"Balki." "Hello? Hello?" "Balki."
"Hello? Hello?" "Balki!"
Larry yells, finally stopping Balki. "What is it?" Balki asks.
"They hung up," Larry explains. "Oh," Balki says, taking the
cord back in his teeth as they lean over the counter again and Balki attempts to
replace the receiver on the cradle. He drops it somewhat awkwardly onto the
phone where it lands lopsided and not on the cradle at all. They contemplate
this a moment then shrug it off, turning away.
"We’ve got to get out of this
thing," Larry notes. "No kidding!" Balki eyes him wearily.
There
is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Larry calls. "It’s
Jennifer!" Jennifer calls through the door. Larry looks panic-stricken,
calling, "Just a minute! Just a minute! Over here, over here . . . "
Larry and Balki try to get coordinated again, then remember their hopping method
from before. "Hopping. Hopping. Hop, hop, hop, hop . . . "
They start
hopping toward the front door but hit the air mattress and fall forward onto
their faces. They struggle to get up, writhing wildly in the sleeping bag on the
air mattress. Jennifer open the door and walks in, looking at the wriggling
sleeping bag in wonder. She stops in front of the mattress and stands, looking
down at them as they stop struggling. "Hi!" come their tired voices
from inside the sleeping bag.
"Hi, uh . . . I was just wondering
when we were . . . uh . . . is this a bad time?" Jennifer asks. Balki and
Larry start rocking sideways in the bag until they finally manage to flip over
onto their backs, slipping off the edge of the air mattress as they do so.
"No, no," 
Larry assures her, "We were just, uh . . . testing this
sleeping bag." Larry starts hitting at the inside of the bag, asking,
"What do you think, Balki? Passed the stress test?" "Yeah,"
Balki says as he likewise punches and kicks at the bag, "Couple more hours
and we should know for sure." "Oh uh, Jennifer . . . have any
gear you need tested?" "Uh no, I was just wondering what time we were
leaving in the morning," Jennifer says. Larry and Balki speak at the same
time, mumbling to come up with an answer. Balki says, "Oh, let’s see . .
. I want to get up at five thirty and get in the shower . . . you gonna dry your
hair? . . . you want an omelette for breakfast with feta cheese . . . and bagels
. . . something that . . . " while Larry says, "Oh, well, uh, we
should be up first . . . I don’t want to have too much to eat . . . uh . . .
no, no no . . . uh, out the door by six o’clock . . . " They both look up
at Jennifer and say, "Six fifteen?"
Jennifer nods, saying, "Fine."
She turns to leave then stops. "Balki is still our camping leader,
right?" They both ramble again. "Oh sure!" Larry confirms as
Balki says, "You never said a truer thing!" "Lead on, lead
on," Larry continues. "Well, I was just checking," Jennifer says,
turning to walk to the front door. "Bye, bye," Larry says as she walks
out the door. "You don’t think she noticed anything wrong, do you?"
Larry asks. Balki looks at him strangely, saying, "No, no. I think she
probably sees two men wearing a sleeping bag each and every day." "Small setback.
Small setback," Larry sighs, then smiles, "But
this is still going to be the greatest camping trip ever." "Cousin,
wake up and smell the propane," Balki counters, "We’re trapped and
we haven’t even left the apartment yet!" As they struggle in the sleeping
bag the scene fades to black.
Act two begins in a wooded area on the
shore of a river. There are several cabins amongst the trees. A raft rental
shack is set 
up next to a clearing were a guide is leading the Chronicle
employees. "All right, everybody in line, group! Over here!
Gather ‘round
the picnic table," the guide calls out, leading the group to the other side
of the clearing. "Now I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that
the tip for the group leader is not included in the price of the trip," the
guide smiles. Lydia and Harriette step into the clearing. Lydia is wearing a
bright red / pink camouflage-patterned outfit. "Are you gonna wear that all
weekend?" Harriette complains, "I’m starting to get a
migraine!" "If there are any hunters in the woods I wanna make sure
they see me," Lydia explains. "See you?" Harriette snips,
"Hang a couple of lights on your butt and airplanes will land on your
back!" Harriette walks to the picnic table and Lydia follows, crying,
"Why do you always do that to me? Why do you undermine my
self-confidence?"
Balki and Mary Anne enter the clearing,
Balki carrying a rolled blanket in front of him held by a small rope. "Oh,
Mary Anne, isn’t this wonderful?" Balki asks. "This is great,"
Mary Anne agrees, "I haven’t camped out since . . . since . . . well, I
guess I’ve never camped out!" Balki leads Mary Anne over to the picnic
table where the group leader is explaining some safety information. "Now
remember, campers, this is not a zoo. Do not pet or feed the animals.
This is
their home. Try to respect that." Jennifer enters the clearing followed by
Larry who is weighed down by the ton of camping equipment he’s carrying on his
back. "Larry, come on!" Jennifer urges. "I’m coming, I’m
coming," Larry assures her. "Larry, are you sure you don’t want any
help with that?" Jennifer asks. "Oh no, I’m fine, I’m fine,"
Larry insists, "If I can’t carry twice my body weight in camping gear I
don’t deserve to go camping." They join the rest of the group.
"Now can I have your attention?"
the group leader calls, "All Chronicle campers please go down the path to
the corral where you’ll be given a mule to take you to the campsite. And
remember, those mules can bite." As the man is saying this, Larry notices
the raft rental shack. Everyone gets up to follow the guide down the path but
Larry doesn’t move. Balki motions as if to ask Larry if he’s coming and
Jennifer stops and turns, asking, "Aren’t you guys coming?" "Oh, you go ahead," Larry says, "We’ll catch up."
The
girls head down the path. "Balki . . . we need to talk," Larry says
seriously, taking Balki aside, then asking, "Did you see the girls’ faces
when the man mentioned mules?" "No, Cousin, I was being a good
listener," Balki answers. "Well, I did," Larry says, "They
were not happy campers." "Well, Cousin, how else we gonna get to the
campsite?" Balki asks. "Ooh, uh . . . " Larry sighs as if
thinking, then exclaims, "Oh! Look! Rafts! Well, Balki, this is perfect!
The campsite is right on the river. We’ll rent a raft, the river will take us
slowly to the campsite, what could be more romantic?" "Shearing a
sheep with the woman you love?" Balki replies, thinking about it a moment
then continuing, "But that’s not the point. The point is, as leader I
veto the rafts and I go for the mules."
Balki starts toward the path but Larry
grabs his arm and pulls him back. "Balki, Balki, I didn’t want to bring
this up before because you were doing so well as leader but technically . . .
technically . . . your leadership doesn’t begin until we get to the
campsite." 
"You never mentioned that," Balki notes.
"Well, I
didn’t think it was necessary," Larry explains, "It’s implied in
the term ‘camping leader.’ Camping leader. When we get to the
campsite the camping leader, that’s you, will be in charge of the camping.
But
it is my responsibility to get us there." "Wwowww!" Balki gasps,
"I had no idea there was such a subtle division of leadership." "Well, now you do," Larry says, "Follow me."
He leads Balki
to the raft rental shack where they address the man working there. "Hi," Larry offers, and Balki does the same.
"We’d like to rent
a raft large enough for four," Larry says. "Okay," the man says,
handing Larry a clipboard, "That’s thirty dollars a day for the raft.
Are
you guys gonna need a guide?" "Yes," Balki says the same moment
Larry says, "No."
"Excuse us," Larry says, handing
the clipboard back to the man. "Certainly," the man smiles.
Larry
leads Balki aside. "What are 
you doing?" Larry asks.
"Well,
Cousin, I thought it might be nice to take a guide," Balki says. "Balki,
we don’t need a guide to take us down the river," Larry insists, turning
around so that the roll on his backpack hits Balki on the back of the head.
Balki turns to see what has hit him when Larry turns back and grabs Balki,
saying, "Pay attention! The river only goes one way. It’s a one-way
river." "Well, Cousin, I think it’s a tad more complicated than
that," Balki states. "Oh, you do?" Larry asks. "Yes, I
do." "Oh, you do?" "Yes, I do." "Oh, do you?
All
right. Well, Balki, let me ask you a question," Larry begins, "How
many rivers have you been on?" Balki hems and haws as Larry pushes, asking,
"How many? How many rivers? How many rivers have you been on in a rubber
raft in America?" "None," Balki admits. "None, as in zero,
as in no rivers have you been on in a rubber raft in America?" "That
is correct," Balki agrees.
"Well, I have, and I say we don’t
need a guide!" Larry turns again and his roll again hits the back of Balki’s
head once again. Balki turns to look which causes Larry to grab him again and
shout, "Pay attention! Balki! Look, we sit in the raft with Jennifer and
Mary Anne. The river slowly takes us to the campsite. We glide up . . . we get
out . . . " "I take charge," Balki adds. "Yeah, yeah
sure," Larry dismisses him, "The point is everyone will have fun.
‘Cause
we’ll be rollin’." "Rollin’?" Balki asks. "Rollin’,"
Larry repeats. "Rollin’?" Balki asks again. "Rollin’ on the
river," Larry finishes. "Rollin’ on the river?" Balki asks.
Larry then breaks into singing ‘Proud Mary’ with "Left a good job in
the city . . . " snapping his fingers and
clapping until Balki joins in and they both end up singing and dancing their way
back to the raft rental shack.
The next scene finds Balki, Larry,
Jennifer and Mary Anne slowly floating down the river on their raft. The sun is
shining and the scenery is idyllic. A picnic lunch is set up in the raft,
complete with champagne in glasses. "I think we all have to agree that this
is absolutely the best time we have ever had out of doors," Larry notes.
Jennifer nods as the others take in the moment. Larry takes a deep breath.
"Oh look, a deer!" Jennifer points out. They all sigh "Ohhh!"
at the sight of the small deer grazing on the river bank. "It looks just
like Bambi," Mary Anne says. "Ohhh!" they all sigh again.
"Oh Larry, it’s absolutely beautiful out here," Jennifer smiles.
"It is, isn’t it?" Larry asks, "Ah nature. I love it.
It’s
good to get back to the simple life. Now, I have three kinds of
cheesecake." He gets out three plastic containers, identifying them as
"almond, chocolate chip and Grand Marnier."
Balki taps Larry’s shoulder, saying,
"Cousin, there’s an important decision to be made." "Mmm hmm,
you’re absolutely right, Balki," Larry agrees, "Almond? Chocolate
chip? Or Grand Marnier?" "I . . . no, the river has a fork in the
road," Balki points out, "Which way should we go?" Larry turns to
look. "Well, uh . . . let’s see," Larry says, reaching into his life
vest to pull out a map, "The map says we go . . . left." "Well,
that may be what the map says but I’m telling you Mother Nature is whispering
in my ear that we should go right," Balki states. Larry laughs, tweaking
Balki’s ear and saying, "Isn’t that cute? Mother Nature’s whispering
in his ear. Well, maybe Mother Nature hasn’t looked at the map."
Larry
laughs again and puts the map away. As the raft heads down the left fork Larry
says, "Now . . . almond, chocolate chip or Grand Marnier?"
Further down the river the water is
getting faster and there is white water around the rocks. Balki is sitting at
the front of the raft 
paddling while Larry is sitting back with Jennifer and
Mary Anne. "Uh, Cousin," Balki says, "I think we have a
problem." "No kidding," Larry smiles, "We’re out of
champagne. I knew I should have brought more." "No, Cousin, I think
the river is getting angry at us," Balki says nervously. Larry gets up to
move to the front of the raft and a sudden jolt nearly throws him off his feet.
He sits down next to Balki and takes up a paddle, saying, "No big deal.
Uh,
let’s just paddle." They all start to paddle but it doesn’t help.
"Larry, aren’t we going a lot faster than we were before?" Jennifer
asks worriedly. "Well, well . . . maybe a couple of knots," Larry
answers, "Speed is hard to judge when you’re on the water." The raft
bounces more and the water starts to fly up over the sides at them. A large rock
looms before them. "Ah! Look out, Larry!" Jennifer cries.
"Danger, on the other hand, is rather easy to judge!" Balki notes.
They barely miss hitting the big rock and
are now into the rapids. The raft bounces them up and down wildly. "Don’t
panic!" Larry 
cries, "We can do this!
People go down rivers every day,
how hard can it be?" "Cousin, this is not the log ride at Knott’s
Berry Farm!" Balki points out. They continue to be thrown about, Balki
falling backwards off his seat at one point. As he gets back up, Larry swings
his paddle around and hits Balki in the face, knocking him back again. Balki
manages to regain his seat and then starts to throttle Larry. The girls cry for
them to stop fighting. At this point the rapids start to ease and the water
grows calm. "There. Huh?" Larry asks, "That wasn’t so
bad." "No," Balki says uncertainly. "Just a little white
water," Larry says, "I think we’re okay." There is the sound of something roaring in
the air. "What’s that sound?" Jennifer asks. "I’ve heard that
sound before," Mary Anne says. "You have?" Jennifer asks. "Yeah, on my trip to Niagara Falls," Mary Anne remembers.
"Niagara Falls??!!" everyone cries in panic as the rapids begin again.
They avoid some dangerous rocks as they paddle wildly. Larry almost goes over
the side but Balki reaches out and pulls him back, causing them to both fall
backwards off their seats. 
Once they’ve gotten back up again Larry starts to
throttle Balki. Once again the girls scream at them to stop fighting.
Larry
loses his balance and falls over the side of the raft and into the river. Balki
immediately gets up and runs to the back of the raft, calling
"Cousin!" Jennifer and Mary Anne try to stop him but Balki dives off
the back of the raft after Larry. "Balki, I’ll save you!" Mary Anne
cries, starting to get up. "Mary Anne, you don’t know how to swim!"
Jennifer cries. "Oh no!" Mary Anne cries as she jumps off the side of
the raft anyway. Jennifer also falls in when the raft momentarily gets caught on
a rock. All four float down the river, thrashed about by the water. We see the
empty raft floating over the rapids with no sign of anyone near it as the words
"To Be Continued . . . " come on the screen and the scene fades.
Script Variations:
There are a good
number of differences between the first draft script dated October 24, 1988 and
the aired episode:
- The
episode begins in the basement with Balki sorting the mail. The elevator
opens and Harriette and Lydia get out. Lydia is wearing a stylish safari
suit in the normal camouflage colors. "You don't understand,
Harriette," she says, "This outfit makes a statement about me.
It says I'm rugged, independent and I love the outdoors." "You
could make the same statement in a dog suit," Harriette notes. They
cross to Balki and Lydia models the suit for him, asking "Balki, what do
you think?" "Oh, Miss Lydia, you joined the Army. You're
going to be all that you can be," Balki says. "No, Balki, this
is what I'm wearing on the paper's camping trip. It's the latest thing in
stylish outdoor wear. I want men to sit up and take notice of me,"
Lydia explains. "You're going to blend right in with the
foliage," Harriette snips, "A man isn't going to notice you until he
steps on you." "I guess I've learned not to take fashion risks
around you people," Lydia sulks before she exits.
- Harriette
then asks Balki if he and Larry are going camping with them. "I'd
love to but Cousin Larry doesn't do well out of doors," Balki answers,
"He can't even walk in the park without little creatures attacking
him. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it.
Believe me, I know my Cousin Larry. There's no way he'll go
camping." Larry enters from the loading dock and announces, "Balki,
great news. We're going camping." Harriette then says to Balki,
"Balki Bartokomous, I'd like you to meet Larry Appleton. Why don't
you guys get to know each other." As she exits she mumbles,
"Life was easier when I used to hang out in the lobby." (Note
that the line from the Cole Porter song did not appear in the final episode,
although there is a somewhat odd cut in that place. It's possible the
rights to the lyrics could not be obtained in time or that another job was cut
from that place when the show aired)
- After
Harriette exits, Balki says, "I don't understand, Cousin, you hate
camping. You told me your idea of roughing it is slow room
service." "I do hate camping," Larry admits, "but
that's not the point. This is my big chance to make it up to Jennifer for
the ski trip we took." "You mean the time you almost got us all
killed?" Balki asks. "That's the one," Larry
confirms. "Oh, Cousin, nobody blames you for that. We've all
forgotten about it." "Well, maybe you have," Larry
says. Balki interrupts, saying, "Anyone can ski down the wrong side
of a mountain - - " "Balki - - " Larry tries to
interrupt. "And get his friends stranded in the mountains - -
" "Balki - - " "And dig a tunnel in the wrong
direction so he and his cousin end up back where they started and look like
complete idiots in front of their girlfriends - - " "Balki - -
" "And I'm sure Jennifer has forgotten, too," Balki
adds. "Then why does she hyperventilate every time we pass a ski
shop?" "Well, perhaps it is hard to forget being buried alive in
an avalanche," Balki admits. "This camping trip is my chance to
erase that memory from her mind," Larry says. "Wait a minute,
Cousin. I'm having a deja voodoo," Balki says nervously, "Isn't
that the reason you took her on the ski trip in the first place?"
"Well, yes but . . . " "And isn't that the reason you tried
to fix her plumbing and flooded our building?" "Well, yes but .
. . " "And isn't that the reason we took karate lessons and had
the babba sticki beat out of us?" "What is this? Dump on
Larry day?" Larry asks in frustration. "I'm just trying to point
out, Cousin, every time you try to impress Jennifer you go too far and I end up
in trouble," Balki explains. "Balki, Balki, I've changed,"
Larry assures him, "It will be different this time." "And
you keep saying that, too," Balki notes.
- After
Jennifer comes in to meet them for lunch and Larry asks if she wants to go
camping, she replies the same way as in the final show, as well as Balki saying,
"The memory lingers on." "Well, it's hard to forget being
buried in an avalanche," Jennifer points out. "This trip will be
different," Larry promises, "Nothing can possibly go
wrong." "That's what you said the last time," Balki and
Jennifer say together. "Look, this time we won't be alone,"
Larry explains, "It will be different. It's totally organized.
We'll be with a big group. We'll have guides. And the best part is
there's no snow which means no avalanche." "I don't know,
Larry?" Jennifer says worriedly. "Oh, I left out the best
part. Balki's going with us." After Larry has somewhat
convinced them they start to leave for lunch. Jennifer tries to convince
herself by saying aloud, "Sounds safe." "So did
skiing," Balki reminds her.
- When
Balki enters the apartment to see all the camping equipment he states,
"Cousin, it's amazing. Mary Anne said she'd go camping with us.
Telling her I was in charge seems to work wonders." Then,
"Cousin, I may be way out of line, but I think the girls were expecting to
camp outdoors." The bug light joke is not in this version.
"Excuse me for stating the obvious, Cousin. But for aman who said he
wasn't going to go too far, you've seem to have gone too far," Balki
notes. "What's your problem?" Larry asks, "I'm just trying
to make camping as pleasurable an experience as possible."
"Cousin, the pleasure of camping is sleeping outside under the stars,
gathering wood, building a fire . . . " "That's not camping,
that's sheepherding," Larry snaps, "Balki, this is America. We
have two hundred years of technology on our side. Let's take advantage of
it." Larry points to the Coleman Stove. "You can't beat
the clean, efficient heat you get from gas No sparks, no forest fires, no
life endangerment," Larry notes. "Well, I appreciate your
efforts to Larry-proof our environment, but the fish we catch will taste ever so
much better cooked over an open fire with just a touch of rosemary, dill and a
kiss of lemon." "Wait a minute," Larry stops Balki,
"'Catch fish.' You mean like pull them out of the river with their
heads on?" "I hope so," Balki answers, "The heads are
the best part." "Americans do not eat fish faces," Larry
says, "We have this." He holds up a small, silver package of
dried food, reading, "Beef Stroganoff with julienne carrots and curried
wild rice. Jennifer loves red meat." Balki opens the package
and notes, "Cousin, where's the beef? There's nothing in here but
powder." "That is the beef," Larry explains, "You just
add water and it swells up." Balki is disgusted, saying,
"Cousin, you add water to this and you just wasted good water. I'll
stick with berries and pine nuts." "You can eat bark for all I
care," Larry says, "The rest of us are going to camp in
luxury." "Wait a minute, Cousin. I thought we were camping
in Whitefish Natural Park?" Larry talks down to Balki, explaining,
"By 'luxury' I mean the absence of hardship."
- Larry
leads Balki to the sleeping bag and air mattress. "Now for the
ultimate in sleeping comfort - - a goose down sleeping bag nestled on a
Nature-Sleep, super soft air mattress. These are what Charles and Di took
to Yosemite. Give it a try." "It's very nice," Balki
notes, "but aren't the four of us going to be a bit crowded in
here?" Larry points out it's for two people which leads to Larry
getting into the bag with Balki. The "goose down in this bag"
joke is not in this version, although Larry does mention goose down.
Instead of falling on the air mattress when Jennifer comes in, they do so when
they try to get to the phone. They have to wriggle across the living room
like a caterpillar and then manage to stand up at the counter to answer the
phone. When Jennifer comes in they fall on the couch and have their
conversation with her from there.
- The
Guide is described as the Bus Driver in this version (but he plays the same
role). The scene with Harriette and Lydia in the brightly colored
camouflage suit is the same, except Harriette says the "planes will land on
you" instead of "on your back" and Lydia does not complain about
her confidence being undermined. When Larry remains behind to talk to
Balki about renting a raft, Balki says, "Come on, Cousin, all the best
mules will be gone." "Balki, there is no such thing as a best
mule," Larry argues. Later Larry says, "I was looking at this
brochure on the way up here. The campsite is right on the river. I
wouldn't be surprised if we beat everyone there." Balki pouts,
saying, "But I want to ride the mules." "We'll ride the
mules on the way back," Larry promises, "Look, the girls aren't going
to enjoy bumping along on a stupid, dusty, sweaty animal. But they will
enjoy floating down the river on the (DEMONSTRATES WITH HIS HANDS) undulating
current. Balki mimics the motion, asking, "The undulating
current." "The undulating current," Larry repeats.
"Wait a minute, Cousin," Balki says worriedly, "I'm having a
disaster flashback. We're suppose to stay with the group which means
riding the mules." "Balki, I'm just thinking of our
safety. Mules are dangerous. They bite, they kick, they carry
diseases. Rafts are safe. They're soft, they're rubber, they're
filled with air. Something soft can't hurt you."
- After
convincing Balki that he's not yet the camping leader, they go to the rental
shack. The script notes that there is a good-looking guide there.
The guide asks if they want a guide and Larry says no while Balki says
yes. When they step aside to tal about it Larry makes it clear that
"I'm not going to go down the river with Jennifer and a guy on the OIympic
Volleyball Team." After Larry asks how many rivers Balki has been on,
Balki answers, "Nine." "Nine?" Larry asks.
"Yes, the river Mypos and its eight tributaries. The Glinki, the
Blinki, the Hopshick . . . " Larry then asks how many rivers Balki
has been on in a rubber raft. "Just the Blinki and the Hopshick,"
Balki answers. Larry then finally amends the question to rivers in a
rubber raft in America to which Balki admits none. Larry says,
"Aha! See. Being in a raft on an American river is second
nature to me. Did I ever tell you about the time my father and I built a
raft with our bare hands and took to the water?" Balki thinks and
asks, "Would that be the story where a troop of Brownies had to form a
human chain to save you from drowning because the raft fell apart?"
"That wasn't our fault," Larry quickly notes, "It was the glue we
used. But that's not the point." "It sounds like a very
good point to me," Balki notes. While trying to convince Balki, Larry
ends with "Trust me." Balki says, "Cousin, I was with you
up until, 'trust me.'"
- At
the beginning of the scene where they are first floating down the river,
Jennifer says, "I have to admit, Larry, I was a little nervous about
getting in a raft until you told me about how you saved the Brownie troop when
their boat fell apart." Larry points out this is the best time
they've had outdoors and Balki says, "Well, it's the second best time for
me. The best time I've ever had out of doors was when Uncle Trevos took
all us kids up to the mountain top and told us the meaning of life."
"He told you the meaning of life?" Mary Anne asks, "What did he
say?" "He said 'Make this your goal. Watch the donut and
not the hole,'" Balki answers. "Wow, and I thought Spinoza was
deep," Mary Anne comments (Baruch de Spinoza was a noted
philosopher). After seeing the deer and Mary Anne saying it looks like
Bambi, Balki notes, "No, I think Bambi has more spots." Balki
notes that the map they have is very complicated and Larry says, "Will you
relax?" Then to Jennifer he says, "Don't let him worry
you. He just can't believe I'm right for a change."
"Cousin, I'd love to believe you're right for a change," Balki
counters. Instead of repeating the types of cheesecake, Larry asks if
anyone wants espresso. The girls say they both would. Balki says he
would like a guide.
- After
reaching the white water, Balki says, "Cousin, I think we have a
problem." Larry answers, "Are we out of champagne? I knew
I should have brought a magnum." Balki comments, "No. I
think the river is getting angry at us." To which Larry replies,
"Right and the trees are giving us dirty looks." Once they hit
the rough water Larry says he's sure it won't be long until they reach smooth
water. "Larry, how far do you think it is to the smooth water?"
Jennifer asks. "I'm sure it will smooth out when we get to the
sea," Balki notes. Larry admits they may have made a wrong turn and
Jennifer is infuriated. When Larry almost gets thrown overboard and Balki
saves him, Larry says, "Thanks, buddy. That was a close
one." Larry and Balki do not fight or throttle each other in this
version. The final description is this: "We see Balki dive into the
river. As the raft heads for certain disaster, Jennifer and Mary Anne jump
out. The raft hits a boulder, flies into the air and goes over the
steepest part of the falls. As an empty raft floats down the river, we
superimpose: 'To Be Continued.'"
There are a few more differences between the first draft script
and the second draft script dated October 26, 1988:
- When
Lydia enters the basement from the elevator with her camouflage outfit on,
Harriette is not with her. She models her suit for Balki and asks, "Balki,
what do you think?" Balki replies, "Oh, Miss Lydia, you joined
the Army." He gets emotional and hugs her. "We'll miss
you, but now you can be all that you can be." Then he thinks and
says, "I thought they were looking for a few good men." "So
am I," Lydia says, "That's why I'm wearing this to the company's
camping trip." "Are you my local army recruiter?" Balki
asks. "No, no, I'm not a recruiter," Lydia insists, "I'm
not in the army. It has nothing to do with the army." She then
explains how she wants to make a statement and have men notice her.
Harriette doesn't say the line about men not noticing her unless they step on
her but she does make the remark about the dog suit. Lydia gets upset and
cries, "I don't know why I come down here. Certainly not for the
abuse. I can get that on my own floor and save myself a trip."
She leaves. Balki then sighs, "I'm going to miss her when she goes to
basic training."
-
As Balki insists that Larry wouldn't go camping, he adds, "I can read him
like a Sunday supplement." When Larry comes in and announces they're
going camping, Harriette quips, "Maybe on this trip you boys can get to
know each other," before leaving.
-
After Balki points out, "The memory lingers on," Jennifer says,
"Well, it's hard to forget being buried alive." "Not to
mention almost freezing to death," Balki adds. Then Jennifer talks
about hyperventilating when she passes a ski shop, but Balki's lines about
having a paper bag are not in the script.
-
After Larry promises the trip will be different he adds at the end, "And
the best part is there's no snow which means no avalanche."
-
As Larry is showing Balki the sleeping bag, he says, " . . . provides both
comfort and warmth. Two of the ingredients for a princely camping
trip."
-
As Larry climbs into the sleeping bag with Balki, he comments, "You know, I
don't understand why every time we do something you have to fight
me?" "Cousin, I'm just making an observation," Balki
says. "Observe this," Larry says, and he zips up the bag.
- When
the phone is ringing, Larry says, "Forget it. They'll call
back." "What if it's important?" Balki asks, "They
always are when you don't answer them."
-
After they hear about the mules, Larry points out to Balki how the girls were
not happy. "But Cousin, how else will we get to the campsite?"
Balki asks. "Gee, I don't know, Balki," Larry says, "I wish
there was another way that was comfortable and yet romantic. Why don't we
just stand here and look around and see if we can think of
something." Larry and Balki look around and Balki looks right at the
raft shack. "Hi," the guide says to them. "Hi,"
Balki replies, then turns to Larry and says, "Nothing comes to mind.
I guess we'll have to take the mules." This is when Larry feigns
having just seen the rafts. He points out the campsite is right on the
river and suggests they rent a raft and float down there. "No.
Mules," Balki says. "Hey buddy, as leader, it's your call,"
Larry says. "I'm perfectly aware of that," Balki assures
him. "But I don't think the girls are going to enjoy bumping along on
stupid, dusty, sweaty mules," Larry points out. He then talks about
the undulating current. "No. Mules," Balki repeats.
This is when Larry points out that Balki isn't actually the leader until they
reach the campsite.
-
When Balki talks about the river Mypos and its eight tributaries, he names them,
"The Glinki, the Blinki, the Stinki . . . " When Larry changes
it to add "on a rubber raft," Balki says, "Just the Blinki and
the Glinki. The Stinki has a very high sulfur content."
-
When Balki says that it's his second best time being outdoors he explains,
"The best time I've ever had out of doors was when Uncle Trevos took all us
kids up to the mountain top and told us about the birds and the
bees." "He told you about the birds and the bees?" Mary
Anne asks with surprise, "How did he explain it?" "Well,
the little ones are the bees," Balki answers, "The big ones are the
birds, distinguished by the presence of feathers. An important
lesson. It saved me the embarrassment of trying to get honey from a
bird." "I guess I was talking about something else," Mary Anne
sighs.
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