Nielsen Rating: 13.4 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 53 - Aliens
First Air Date: October 28, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 13.4 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Paula A. Roth
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Ms. Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Dimitri Appearances:
Dimitri can be seen
sitting on the bookshelf throughout the episode wearing an orange feather boa.
He is also elevated above the shelf as if he were floating!
Balki-isms:
"Why would anybody want to sit
through twelve hours of horrible movies?"
"Well, Cousin, I think you must be
suffering from an optical delusion."
"You’re right, Cousin, I’m
glibless!"
"Well, Cousin, I think your mind is
pulling you leg."
"When the Mama ship gets here you’ll
be the first one in line!"
Don’t be ridiculous: Said three time in this episode, once by Mary Anne, Jennifer, Harriette and Lydia.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
Balki’s "Huh?"
"Don’t do that."
"Well, I’ll be snookered."
"Where do I come up with them?"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Harriette insults Lydia
Balki shrugs off a compliment
Larry exaggerates words starting in ‘H’
as Balki does
Larry and Balki have quick verbal
exchanges, such as "Yes, you are," "No, I’m not"
Balki laughs at his own joke
Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode was also the name of
the sequel to the movie Alien.
- Harriette mentions her scary
mother-in-law in this episode. Estelle Winslow, Carl’s mother, would move in
with the Winslow family in the pilot episode of Family Matters.
- Mary Anne is wearing her stewardess uniform as a
costume. But what's really funny is she's wearing Jennifer's nametag, so
she's actually dressed as Jennifer for Halloween!
- This episode saw the introduction of the
purple-patterned couch that Balki and Larry would have in their apartment until
the season six episode A Horse is a Horse. After that the couch changes to a
more neutral color again. Was it just a coincidence the horse was sitting on the
couch for its last appearance? What a way for the loudest couch in television
history to end its career!
- This fantasy episode was undoubtedly
inspired by the most inventive fantasy episode ever. It May Look Like a
Walnut! was the 50th episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show and
a complete foray into dream sequence television. The surreal episode was mostly
a dream cooked up in Rob Petrie’s mind after watching a horror movie before
going to bed. Co-star Jerry Paris, who played Rob and Laura’s neighbor Jerry
Helper, went on to direct episodes of Happy Days. Notably, he directed
the most memorable fantasy episode of that series, My Favorite Orkan.
That episode, while on the whole not working as well as its predecessor, did
introduce Robin Williams as Mork from Ork, launching a whole new hit series for
Miller-Milkis Productions. Mork and Mindy was created by Garry Marshall,
Joe Glauburg and Perfect Strangers creator Dale McRaven! In fact, several
members of the production team and crew from Perfect Strangers also
worked on Mork and Mindy, as well as Happy Days.
- Invasion of the Body Snatchers was
a classic horror film released in 1956 and starring Kevin McCarthy and Dana
Wynter. An equally, and possible even more unnerving, remake of the film
(particularly the final scene) was made in 1978 starred Donald Sutherland, Jeff
Goldblum and Brooke Adams.
- Larry comments that his parents had to
take him out of the 1940 Disney movie Fantasia because he was crying.
Any
very young and sensitive child who sat through the Night on Bald Mountain sequence
when the movie played revival runs in art theaters in the 60's and 70's might be
able to relate to this comment.
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle, which is decorated for Halloween. Larry is on the phone with
someone. "Well, it’s gonna be a great party," he says, "Okay,
well, maybe next year. Okay, bye bye." Larry hangs up the phone and crosses
someone off the list on his notepad as the elevator door opens and Harriette and
Lydia step out and approach Larry’s desk. "Okay, we’re here,"
Harriette announces, "What’s all the fuss about?" "Larry, what’s
the matter?" Lydia asks, "I was in the middle of a very important
phone call." "What were you doing?" asks Harriette, "Asking
your hairdresser if you should go back to your natural color?" "Ladies
. . . " Larry tries to stop them. "For your information, Harriette,
this is my natural color!" Lydia brags. "Ladies," Larry
tries again. "That’s about as natural as Astroturf," Harriette
scoffs. Lydia’s mouth drops open in shock.
"Ladies," Larry interrupts
again, "Balki and I want you to come to our Halloween party. We’re gonna
watch the horror movie 
marathon." "Oh, no thanks," Lydia sighs,
"I hate Halloween. I don’t like any holiday that condones wearing orange
and black together." "The real reason you don’t wanna go is because
you’re chicken!" Harriette says. "I am not!" Lydia insists.
"Aw, come on, you haven’t showered alone since you saw ‘Psycho,’"
Harriette snips. Lydia looks angry and embarrassed, commenting, "Well . . .
I guess now I know who I can tell my secrets to. Excuse me . . . I have an
advice column to write!" Lydia angrily walks up the stairs. "How about
you, Harriette?" Larry asks, "I know you don’t scare easily."
"I don’t scare at all, baby," Harriette informs him, walking back to
the elevator. "Well, so you’ll be there?" Larry asks. "Sorry,
my mother-in-law’s in town and why watch movie monsters when you can see the
real thing?" Harriette asks, then steps back into the elevator and closes
the door. Larry crosses off two more names on his notepad, sighing, "No
Harriette . . . no Lydia."
At this moment Balki runs in from the
loading dock, wearing a sheep mask. "Cousin, guess who!" Balki asks
excitedly. "Oh my goodness, who can that be under that mask?" Larry
plays along, "Uhhhh . . . Mr. Gorpley?" "No! Guess again!"
Balki says. "Uhhh . . . I don’t know," Larry sighs, "I’ll
never get it. Tell me who you are, Balki." Balki pulls off the mask and
announces loudly, "It’s Balki!" "Ah!" Larry acts surprised
as he and Balki hug. "I guess I’m one good Halloween player, huh?"
Balki asks. "The best!" Larry assures him. "No!" Balki sighs
humbly, swiping at Larry with the mask. "Yes, you are!" Larry insists,
as Balki continues to say now and keeps swatting Larry with the mask until Larry
finally takes it from him.
"You know, everyone’s gonna love
this at the party tonight!" Larry says off the mask. "Well, I’m not
wearing this to the party tonight," Balki says, "This is just my
office costume." Balki puts his hand inside the mask and makes its lips
move with his fingers. 
"Well, you might as well wear it," Larry sighs,
"because no one from the office is coming to the party. It’s just us and
Jennifer and Mary Anne. No one else wants to watch the horror movie
marathon." "Well, if nobody else wants to watch it, why do we
want to watch it?" Balki asks. "Because horror is the fun part of
Halloween!" Larry explains, patting Balki’s arm and starting to walk
away. "Yeah, about that, Cousin," Balki says, stopping Larry, "I
still don’t understand . . . why would anybody want to sit through twelve
hours of horrible movies? I could barely make it through ‘Ishtar.’"
"No, not horrible movies," Larry corrects, "Horror movies. Movies
that scare you to death." "I don’t want to be scared to death,"
Balki states. "Well, sure you do! People love to be frightened.
That’s
why so many of them live in New York," Larry counters.
That night Larry, Jennifer, Mary Anne and
Balki are sitting in the cousins’ living room, which is also decorated for
Halloween. They are watching the horror movie marathon on television.
Larry is
dressed as Jason with a hockey mask, striped shirt and a bloody knife sticking
out of his chest. Jennifer is dressed as a witch. Balki is dressed in a large
feathery chicken outfit. Mary Anne is wearing her stewardess’ uniform.
There
is the sound of a woman screaming coming from the set and then a sudden
sickening noise which makes Jennifer, Mary Anne and Balki jump with fear. "Well, I’ve had enough!" Jennifer announces, getting up.
"What?" Larry asks with surprise. "Me, too!" Mary Anne
agrees, also getting up. "What? You can’t go now!" Larry cries,
getting up and meeting them at the front door, "We’re only halfway
through the marathon! We’ve got three movies to go!"
"Six hours of watching scary movies
is too much for me," Mary Anne complains, "My head hurts, my stomach
is all tied up in knots 
and I think I’m getting hives!" She turns to
Balki and adds, sweetly, "Thanks for a lovely evening." Balki reaches
out to shake her hand. "Oh, how ‘bout a little peck?" she asks.
Balki motions as if he were pecking her like a chicken, which makes her giggle.
"Bye," Jennifer says to Larry and walks out the door followed by Mary
Anne and Larry wishes them goodnight and closes the door. "Well, what’s
wrong with everybody?" Larry asks, "They’re just scary movies."
"You know, you’re right!" Balki adds nervously, "Who would be
afraid of scary movies?" "Oh, look at this," Larry says, pointing
to the TV guide, "They’re gonna miss the best one . . . ‘Invasion of
the Body Snatchers . . . aliens take over the planet by replacing everybody with
identical twins that they’ve grown in giant pods.’" "This wouldn’t
be a light-hearted comedy, would it?" Balki asks, his voice quavering.
"Oh, don’t tell me you’re scared,
too!" Larry sighs. "Well, of course I’m not, don’t be
ridiculous!" Balki insists, "I was just hoping 
for a little change of
pace." "Well, if you want a chance of pace let’s watch this next one
in the dark!" Larry suggests, reaching over and flipping the lights off.
Balki immediately reached past Larry to turn the lights back on, warning,
"Don’t do that!" "Afraid of the dark?" Larry taunts.
"No, I’m not," Balki states. Larry turns the lights off again and
Balki turns them back on, repeating, "Don’t do that!" "You
are afraid of the dark!" Larry teases. "No, I’m not!" Balki
says again. Larry turns the lights off again and Balki switches them back on.
"Yes, you are!" Larry says. "No, I’m not!" Balki answers.
Larry turns the lights off and Balki turns them back on. "Yes, you
are!" Larry repeats. "No, I’m not!" Balki insists. Larry
reaches over and pretends to turn the lights off, making a clicking sound
instead. Balki reaches over and inadvertently turns the lights off. Seeing they
are in the dark, Balki starts screaming until Larry turns the lights on again.
"Yes, I am!" Balki admits.
"Well, we don’t have to watch it in
the dark!" Larry explains as they move back toward the couch. "Well, I
don’t think we should watch it at all!" Balki says. "What’s a
matter? You chicken?" Larry asks. Balki waits a moment, then answers,
"In a manner of 
speaking," then laughs at his own joke. "Balki,
these movies are just make believe!" "Cousin, they are about bad
people doing bad things and I believe they put bad thoughts in our heads."
"But, Balki, they’re harmless. They go in one eye and out the
other." "Well, I don’t want to watch any more," Balki insists,
turning to walk away. "What’s a matter?" Larry asks, "You
afraid you watch too many horror movies it’ll make you into a monster?"
"Well, I don’t know what it make me into and I don’t want to take any
chances so I’m gonna go in there, brush my teeth, say my prayers and read ‘The
Little Engine That Could’ just to clear my head." Larry just shakes his
head and walks to the couch, sighing, "What planet are you from?"
Balki waddles back into the bathroom as Larry sits down to resume watching the
marathon. "I guess I’m the only fun guy left," he sighs, picking up
a plastic jack-o-lantern and eating something from it as the television
announcer says, "Our horror move marathon continues with ‘Invasion of the
Body Snatchers.’"
The next morning Balki is cleaning one of
the chairs with a carpet sweeper. Larry comes out of his bedroom and sees Balki
with his back to him so he sneaks up behind Balki on tiptoe and screams over his
shoulder to scare him. Balki doesn’t react at all, he just keeps on with his
work and says, "Morning, Cousin. You sleep well?" "Well, I guess
I can’t scare you!" Larry remarks, "What? You got eyes in the back
of your head?" "Well, of course not, don’t be ridiculous,"
Balki scoffs, leaning over to look at the bottom of the sweeper and with his
back still to Larry. Balki then notes, "Your third button from the top is
unbuttoned." Larry has to move his tie to see this himself and buttons it
up without thinking about how Balki has noticed this. "Oh, thank you,"
Larry says, following Balki to the kitchen.
Balki moves to the stove and starts
stirring the contents of a pan. "So, what’re you making?" Larry
asks. "This is mach ba sik 
sik," Balki answers, lifting up a spoonful
for Larry to see. "Pig stomach stuffed with head cheese," Balki
explains, "and just a pinch of cardamom." He holds it out for Larry to
taste but Larry waves it away. "I thought we’d take some on our trip, it
travels so well," Balki explains. "We’re taking a trip?" Larry
asks. "Oh yes," Balki answers, "We’re going to Mypos.
Didn’t
I tell you?" "No, you didn’t tell me," Larry says. "Well,
I’ll be snookered!" Balki sighs. "Balki, if you want to take a trip
like that we have to plan ahead," Larry points out, leaning against the
kitchen counter as he watches Balki cook, "We’ve got to check discount
fares, we’ve gotta coordinate vacation schedules . . . " Balki steps back
and points his finger at the pan and a green flash shoots out of the end of his
finger and into the pan, lighting the contents on fire. " . . . I need a
passport," Larry continues, knitting his eyebrows as he asks, "How’d
you do that?"
"Do what?" Balki asks. "You
just shot a laser beam out of your finger and set that on fire," Larry
states. "No, I didn’t," Balki says. 
"Yes, you did," Larry
insists. "Nope, didn’t," Balki shakes his head. "Balki, I was
standing right here. I saw it," Larry says. "Well, Cousin, I think you
must be suffering from an optical delusion," Balki deduces, "Maybe you
didn’t get enough sleep last night. Do you want me to make you a cup of
coffee?" "No, I don’t think so," Larry sighs, "I’ll
stick with milk. My stomach feels a little queasy from all that junk I ate last
night." Larry walks around the counter and sits on one of the stools as
Balki gets a carton of milk out of the refrigerator and a glass and brings them
over to the counter. Balki starts to pour the milk when Larry points to the
stove and notes, "Your sik sik’s still burning." "Oh, so it
is!" Balki realizes, and walks away from the counter, leaving the milk
carton with milk still pouring from it suspended over the glass as if frozen in
time. Larry stares at this incredulously.
Balki comes back and finishes pouring the
milk, then pushes the glass to Larry and throws the carton away. "How did
you do that?" Larry asks. "Do what?" "You made the milk stop
and wait for you," Larry says. "No, I didn’t," Balki replies.
"Balki, you turned away and . . . and then . . . oh, wait a minute,"
Larry stops himself, "I know what’s happening. You’re getting back at
me for scaring you last night. Very clever. What is it? Magic tricks?"
"Well, Cousin, no I don’t know no magic tricks," Balki assures him,
then sets his hand down on the counter as the coffee cup about a foot and a half
away slides across the counter into his palm so he can pick it up and drink from
it. Larry picks up the mug and looks at it, sighing, "Very good.
Okay, okay
. . . you win. I apologize for what I did last night. I will never, ever try to
frighten you again." "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says.
Walking to the stove, Balki sighs,
"Well, I think I’ll just let this mach bach sic sic curdle. C’mon,
Cousin, let’s go to work." Balki walks to the front door and Larry gets
off the stool to follow him. "Sure," Larry agrees, "Let’s go to
work. Shall we take my car or 
are you just going to beam us over?"
"Oh
come on, Cousin," Balki scoffs, "You know on my salary I can’t
afford a Beamer!" Balki laughs at his own joke, throwing his arms up and
exclaiming, "Where do I come up with them?" Balki puts on his jacket
as Larry walks to the closet and opens the door. A giant, green pod drops out of
the closet into Larry’s arms. "Balki? A giant pod?" Larry asks
incredulously, "Oh come on, Balki, this is going too far!" Balki eyes
Larry for a moment then turns without a word and walks through the front door .
. . which still happens to be closed! Larry’s eyes open wide with shock at
having seen Balki walk through the solid door. "Balki?" he asks,
dropping the pod to the floor and scurrying to the door, eyeing it in confusion.
On his dazed and worried look the scene fades to black.
Act two begins at the Chicago Chronicle.
Larry runs into the basement from the parking garage and says "Harriette!
Lydia! Thank God you’re here!" before running to his desk where the two
women are standing. They’re both wearing Myposian-style vests. "You’re
not gonna believe it," Larry continues, "This morning I saw Balki walk
through a door, he made a carton of milk float in midair and he started a fire
with his finger." "Let me smell your breath, baby," Harriette
says, leaning over to sniff at Larry. "Harriette, I have not been
drinking," Larry insists. "Uh, excuse me, Larry," Lydia begins,
"but did you watch all twelve hours of that horror movie marathon last
night?" "What’s that got to do with anything?" Larry asks.
"Well, you watched weird movies last night and now you’re seeing weird
things today," Lydia points out. "I suppose that could be an
explanation," Larry sighs uncertainly.
"You bet it could, Cousin,"
Harriette says. "Why did you say that?" Larry asks. "Say
what?" Harriette asks. "You called me Cousin," Larry notes.
"No I didn’t, baby," Harriette assures him. "Yes, you
did!" Larry insists. "I called you ‘baby,’ baby!" Harriette
says firmly, "There’s no way we’re cousins." "Wait a
minute!" Larry says, looking suspicious, "You two seem . . .
different." Harriette and Lydia exchange a look and roll their eyes.
"You’re just now noticing that?" Harriette asks. "Relax!"
Lydia encourages, "The next thing you know you’ll be saying that Balki’s
an alien and he’s turning us into aliens to take us back to his home
planet." Lydia and Harriette break out into wild laughter and walk to the
elevator where they disappear through the elevator door.
Larry looks freaked out. "I’m going
crazy!" he laughs nervously, sitting down at his desk, "Too many
horror movies. That’s gotta be it. I . . . I just gotta relax.
Just gotta
relax and think about something else. The Bears . . . the Bears . . . how are
the Bears doing?" He picks up a copy of the Chronicle which is sitting on
his desk and opens it to read. We can see the front page banner which reads ‘Planet
Mypos Discovered Behind Pluto.’ Larry scans the pages a moment and then folds
the paper and looks at the cover. He sets the paper down and sighs, then his
eyes widen and he grabs up the paper again, re-reading the banner. "Planet
Mypos discovered behind Pluto? Planet Mypos??" As Larry is reading this,
Balki drops down above and lands next to Larry’s desk.
"Hi, Cousin!" Balki says,
startling Larry who jumps up and turns around to face him. "How did you get
here?" Larry asks. "Oh, just dropped in," Balki says, laughing to
himself. "Well, you can’t fool me any more!" Larry states, walking
up to Balki, "I know all about Mypos! It’s right here on the Chronicle’s
front page!" Larry turns to pick up the paper as Balki floats back up into
the air and out of sight. Larry wheels around with the headline of the paper and
pushes to out to where Balki was, only to find Balki gone. Larry looks around in
confusion, turning his back to where Balki drops back down next to him. Larry
turns back and is startled to find Balki standing there again. "Where were
you?" Larry demands to know. "I never left the room," Balki
assures him. "Well, maybe you won’t be so glib after you read this!"
Larry says, thrusting the newspaper’s front page at Balki. "‘City
Council Approves Annual Budget,’" Balki reads aloud, then says, "You’re
right, Cousin, I’m glibless!"
Larry looks at the newspaper headline in
confusion. "But it was right on the front page!" he cries.
"Well, Cousin, I think your mind 
is
pulling you leg," Balki offers. "Oh, what’s happening?" Larry
sighs, "Why am I seeing things that aren’t there?" A woman in
a vest walks buy
pushing a mail cart with a giant pod on it. "I mean what’s uh . . . what’s
uh . . . what’s uh . . . what’s in that mail cart?" "The
mail," Balki answers, "It comes at this time every day." "That was a pod!" Larry shouts, "Now I get it!
The fire, the
milk, walking through doors, it’s all coming together. You are a strange
visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far
beyond that of mortal man and who disguised as Balki Bartokomous, mild-mannered
sheepherder working for a great metropolitan newspaper, is turning us all into
Mypiots so you can take us back to your planet!" "Darn, you got
me," Balki sighs and Larry gasps with shock.
"You mean it’s true?" Larry
asks in horror. "Yepper," Balki answers, "I may be an alien bent
on world conquest but I’m no liar. Cousin, you’re gonna love Mypos!
The
climate is perfect, all men are created Cousins and we’ve conquered
cellulite!" "I’m not going to another planet!" Larry announces.
"Oh come on, Cousin," Balki whines, "I . . . I always go where you
want to go." "I don’t want to go to Mypos," Larry says, "I’ll
never go to Mypos! Nothing you can do or say will ever make me want to go to
Mypos!" Balki places a hand on Larry’s forehead and Larry automatically
looks submissive. "Cousin, you want to go to Mypos!" Balki
states. "I want to go to Mypos," Larry parrots exactly. "When the
Mama ship gets here you’ll be the first one in line!" "When the Mama
ship gets here I’ll be the first in line!" Larry repeats. "And
when we say ‘Who wants pig snout?’ you’d say ‘I do! I do!’"
"And when you say ‘Who wants pig snout?’ I’ll say . . . huuuuugh . .
. I’ll say . . . huuuugh."
Larry makes a gagging sound and then pulls
his head ahead from Balki’s hand. "I’ll never eat pig
snout!" Larry insists. "You have a very strong will, Earth boy!"
Balki comments. "Balki, how can you do this to the Earth?" Larry asks,
"You used to be so nice." "Well, we Mypiots were nice for six
thousand years," Balki agrees, "and then one day somebody suggested,
‘Hey . . . why you don’t watch scary movies? They won’t hurt you.
They
just go in one eye and out the other.’ Well, they checked in but they didn’t
check out. They set up housekeeping. They begat bad thoughts. And those bad
thoughts got together and had little bad thoughts. And those little bad thoughts
grew up into big bad thoughts!" Balki floats into the air above Larry.
"And now all we have are big bad thoughts! So we’re taking over the Earth
just for kicks!" Balki laughs maniacally as Larry beats a hasty retreat to
the loading dock.
Back at the apartment Larry runs in the
front door and slams it shut behind him, fumbling with the chain for a moment
before giving up and then fumbling with the deadbolt for a moment before giving
up on that as well. Larry runs to the phone on the kitchen counter and dials
hurriedly. "Hello, Jennifer? It’s Larry! Drop whatever you’re doing and
get down here." There is an immediate knock on the front door. "Who is
it?" Larry calls. "It’s Jennifer!" Jennifer’s voice calls
through the door. Larry stares at the door and then the phone a moment before
hanging up and running to open the door to see Jennifer standing in a long coat.
"How did you get here so fast?" Larry asks. "You sounded upset so
I hurried," Jennifer explains, "What’s wrong?" Larry pulls
Jennifer into the apartment and quickly closes the door, again fumbling with the
chain and bolt to no avail before giving up on them.
"I have proof that Balki is from a
planet called Mypos and they’re taking over the Earth," Larry cries,
"You’ve got to believe me!" 
"Larry, I believe you,"
Jennifer says nicely. "You do?" Larry asks happily, then look
suspicious as he asks, "Why?" "Well, for one thing Balki is
floating outside the window," Jennifer points out. Larry turns to see Balki
hovering just outside the living room window. Jennifer walks to the kitchen and
waves at Balki. "No, no don’t let him in!" Larry pleads, "We’ve
got to leave right now!" He tries to pull Jennifer away but Jennifer doesn’t
move. "There’s no hurry!" she insists. "What do you mean there’s
no hurry?" Larry asks, "If we stay we’ll become Mypiots!"
Jennifer pulls open the coat to reveal she is wearing a vest. "Is that
really so bad, Cousin?" she asks. "You’re wearing a vest!"
Larry gasps in horror, "You’re one of them!" Jennifer takes off the coat and sets it
aside as Larry runs for the front door. Lydia, Harriette and Mary Anne enter
through the closed front door, each wearing vests as well. "Hi,
Cousin!" the say simultaneously, "Going somewhere?"
Larry tries
to run the other way but sees Jennifer. Balki drops down from above as Larry
turns back again. "Time to go!" Balki announces, "The Mama
ship
is double-parked!" He starts laughing at the joke, as does the others until
Balki motions for them to 
stop, which they do instantly. "You mean he’s
changed you all into Mypiots?" Larry asks. "Well, of course he has,
don’t be ridiculous!" they all chant. Balki raises his hand to place on
Larry’s forehead, saying, "Let me give you a hand, Cousin." Larry runs away, "Oh no! I’m not
falling for that one again! You’ll never take me!" Balki reaches down and
picks up a vest, walking toward Larry. "Oh, come on, Cousin . . . be one of
us. Put on the vest. Alterations are free." "No!" Larry insists,
"No no no!" He runs around the couch but Mary Anne blocks his path.
He
turns back but Balki is closing in with the vest. "Get away! Get
away!" Larry cries. Balki floats into the air, laughing nastily, and
motions for Larry to rise as well. As Larry floats into the air he turns to run,
but he’s running in midair with Balki above him, laughing threateningly as
everyone begins to chant, "Cou-sin! Cou-sin! Cou-sin! Cou-sin!"
The
scene becomes wavy and starts to fade . . . .
Larry is lying on the couch with Balki
standing over him, holding a vest and trying to shake him awake. "Get away,
get away," 
Larry is mumbling. "Cousin! Cousin!" Balki urges.
Larry opens his eyes and sees Balki over him. "Don’t come any
closer!" Larry cries. "How would that be possible?" Balki asks.
Larry gets up from the couch and runs away, stopping in defiance. "You’ll
never put that vest on me!" he declares. "Well, Cousin, I wasn’t
thinking of it," Balki says, "It don’t go with the knife in your
chest." "What?" Larry asks, then looks down and is horrified,
crying, "Oh! Oh! Oh!" He suddenly remembers and gasps, "Oh!
Oh! I’ve
got a knife in my chest! Oh, that’s great!" He walks back to the couch.
"Oh, I must have fallen asleep in front of the television." "Cousin, I think you were having a bad dream," Balki realizes.
"Oh, I was!" Larry confirms,
"And Balki, it was awful! In my dream you were from a planet called Mypos
and you were taking over the Earth! And that wasn’t the awful part.
The awful
part was that you were not nice!"
Larry laughs, still a bit nervous,
asking, "Can you imagine that? Balki Bartokomous, not nice?"
Larry
continues to laugh and then stops, eyeing Balki nervously. "Balki, just for
argument’s sake, uh . . . what would you do if a total stranger came up to you
on the street and took your money, kicked you in the shins and said your mama
wears army boots?" "Well, um . . . " Balki muses, "If he
took my money I’d say ‘Spend it wisely.’ And if he kicked me in the shins
I’d say ‘You know, you should join a gym to find a more positive way of
taking out aggression.’ And if he says my mama wears army boots, then I say,
‘You’ve seen Mama? How does she look?’" Larry is relieved. "You are
Balki!" He goes to hug Balki but the knife in his chest gets in the way so
he takes it out and drops it on the couch so they can embrace. "Oh
Cousin," Balki sighs. "Balki," Larry begin as they sit down, but
Larry jumps up immediately, having sat on the prop knife. He tosses it onto the
coffee table. "Balki, I never want to have a nightmare like that
again." "Observation," Balki begins, "If you hadn’t
watched all those scary movies you wouldn’t have had that bad dream."
"Well, you know, ever since my parents took me out of ‘Fantasia’
crying, I’ve been trying to prove something," Larry admits. "Well,
Cousin, you did prove something," Balki offers, "You proved that if
you watch twelve hours of scary movies then you have a nightmare. Of course the
rest of us already knew that. That’s why you were watching them alone."
"Well, why learn the easy way when you can learn the hard way?" Larry
asks. "Well, that’s the motto you live by," Balki notes.
"Balki, what d’ya say next
Halloween we just hand out candy to the kids and call it a night?" Larry
suggests. "Okay by me," Balki 
agrees, "Now how ‘bout this?
We
clean up this place, I make you some breakfast and you start to feel
better." "Okay," Larry agrees. They get up from the couch and
Balki picks up a bowl of potato chips and a couple of paper plates as Larry
picks up a bowl of popcorn and they head for the kitchen. "Boy, what a
nightmare!" Larry sighs, "It was the craziest thing!" Balki walks
into the kitchen as Larry stops by the counter. "Every time I turned around
you were gone." Larry is looking toward the living room and then turns to
the kitchen just as Balki steps out behind him. Larry eyes the empty kitchen
worriedly, finally calling, "Balki?" Balki has walked up next to Larry
and says, "Cousin?" startling Larry into turning and around and
throwing the popcorn in the bowl all over Balki. Larry brushes Balki off as
Balki reaches into the bowl to get a handful of popcorn as the scene fades.
Script Variations:
There are some differences between the final episode and the first draft from
October 10,
1988:
- In
the original script Larry is not on the phone when Harriette and Lydia come to
the basement. After Larry tells them about the party and the horror movie
marathon, Lydia replies in a frightened voice, "You mean, horror
movies? I have better things to do than waste my time watching
"blobs", and "things" and (losing it) disgusting monsters
who wrap their slimy arms around unsuspecting victims squeezing the life from
their senseless bodies . . . " Harriette then shouts "Boo!"
and Lydia screams. Harriette tells Larry, "I think that's a
no." Lydia states "I hate Halloween!" and goes into the
elevator.
- When
Balki comes in he asks Larry if Harriette and Lydia are going to the
party. "No, Balki, Harriette's busy and Lydia's a chicken,"
Larry answers. "But I wanted to be a chicken!" Balki says.
"Fine, Balki, but you're not going to scary anybody dressed as a
chicken." "Cousin, why would I want to scare anybody?"
Balki asks. "Because it's Halloween," Larry explains,
"That's what Halloween is all about." "But I thought it was
about dressing up in funny costumes and giving out candy," Balki
says. "That's for kids," Larry explains, "For adults,
Halloween is a chance to re-experience that pure terror they could only enjoy as
children. Why else would you carve scary faces on pumpkins? Why else
would you tell ghost stories? Why else would you wear orange and black
together?" Balki says, "Let me get this straight. You
mean, because it's Halloween, I'm supposed to scare the living daylight savings
time out of my friends?" "Exactly," Larry confirms, "Balki,
trust me. You'll have a great time. Especially when Jennifer and
Mary Anne get scared watching the horror movie marathon." Balki makes
the same comment as in the show about Ishtar and Larry explains he means
"horror" movies then adds as they leave, "Now come on. I
want to stop and pick up a skeleton, some vampire fangs and a couple of
bats." "Cousin, go easy on the bats. I'm allergic,"
Balki says, which causes Larry to give him an odd look.
- At
the beginning of the party scene Larry is saying goodbye to some guests who are
leaving. Larry is dressed as a rabbit and Balki is dressed as a
skeleton. Jennifer is a Princess. Mary Anne is dressed in her
stewardess uniform with Jennifer's name tag on. Shortly after the other
guests leave, Jennifer and Mary Anne get up and say they're leaving as
well. After Mary Anne says how awful she's feeling and thanks them for a
lovely evening Larry says, "But the movie's not over. You'll miss the
part when the Martians take the girl and drill a hole in the back of her neck
and turn her into a mindless zombie." "So that's how it's
done," Jennifer comments, looking at the back of Mary Anne's neck.
Balki says to Mary Anne, "Before you go, Mary Anne, I want you to know I
thought you had the most original costume." "Thank you,"
Mary Anne offers, "I thought it would be fun to come dressed as
Jennifer." "I like your costume too, Larry," Jennifer
offers. "Thanks," Larry sighs, "I wanted to be Frankenstein
but rabbits were all they had in 36 short."
- Larry
tells Balki that Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a classic.
"No. Benji the Hunted is a classic," Balki counters, "This
is just scary." Larry says, "It's supposed to be scary.
Horror movies frighten us because they address our deepest, darkest fears.
People should watch these films to confront their fears."
"Cousin, I think that's very brave," Balki replies, "but don't
you think that six hours of confronting is enough?"
- The
next morning when Larry gets up Balki is clearing the dishes off the table
instead of using a carpet sweeper. After Balki says they are going to
Mypos, he adds, "Taking you back to Mypos was always part of the
plan." "Plan? You never mentioned this," Larry
says. "Oh, I didn't? Well, then never mind," Balki says.
- Balki
lights the stove with his index finger instead of the contents of the pan.
When Larry asks him about it and Balki denies it Larry says, "Balki, I saw
you. You turned the knob with your right hand, and you lit the burner with
your left index finger." "Close, but no Teri Garr, Cousin,"
Balki counters, "I turned the knob with my right hand and I lit a match
with my left index finger." "It sure looked like you lit the
stove with your finger," Larry comments. "An optical
delusion," Balki scoffs.
- When
Larry deduces that Balki is getting back at him for scaring him the night
before, he says, "Very clever. You went to the novelty shop and
picked up some magic tricks. Nice try, buddy, but you have to get up
pretty early in the morning to put anything over on yours truly."
"Cousin, I do get up pretty early in the morning, but, who is this yours
truly?" Balki asks. Larry suggests they go to work and says, "If
you don't have any more tricks up your sleeve, can we go to work
now?" "Nothing up my sleeves but my well toned arms," Balki
answers.
-
When Larry goes to work he finds Lydia alone in the basement first and asks her
if she's seen Balki. "He's delivering the mail," she
answers. "Did you notice anything strange about him today?"
Larry asks. "I notice something strange about him every day,"
Lydia explains, "It makes coming down here an adventure."
"I know this is going to sound bizarre, but this morning I saw Balki walk
through a closed door," Larry says. "Sure you did. And I'm
dating Sylvester Stallone," Lydia scoffs.
- After
Harriette enters the basement, Larry tells her, "I've seen some things
today that lead me to only one conclusion. Balki is an alien."
"Of course he is," Harriette answers. "Not that kind of
alien. He's from another planet," Larry says. This
"alien" joke is repeated throughout the rest of the script.
- When
Larry hears Harriette call him Cousin and she denies it, he notices that
Harriette and Lydia are wearing vests. "Then why are you wearing a
vest identical to one owned by the person who does call me cousin?"
Larry asks. "Balki gave us these vests," Lydia explains.
The elevator buzzes and Harriette asks, "Can I get that, or should I stay
and help you into a straight jacket?" "I'm sorry," Larry
says, "I guess I should try to calm down." "See you
later," Lydia says, and then under her breath she adds,
"Cousin." She and Harriette walk through the elevator door but
Larry does not see them do this.
- After
they have left, Larry says, "They're right. I mean, what am I
thinking? There's no way Balki could be from another planet. I've
seen pictures of Mypos, I've talked to Balki's Mama on the phone."
Larry dials the phone on his desk. "What was I thinking?"
Into the phone he says, "Hello, Research? Look, Pete, I need some
information on Mypos. It's a small island in the Mediterrenean. Why
are you laughing?" Larry listens a moment, then says, "Because
any sixth grader knows that Mypos is the lost moon of Jupiter. I guess I
was absent that day. Thanks." Larry hangs up the phone,
stunned, and this is when Balki floats down behind him and says "Hi,
Cousin." "Don't you, 'Hi, Cousin' me," Larry says, "I
know what you are and where you're from." "I should hope
so," Balki says, "I've always prided myself in my communications
skills."
- After
Larry sees the pod in the mail cart Balki says, "Forgive me for stating the
obvious, but you seem a bit more tense than usual." "You're darn
right I'm tense. I found out that I've been living with an alien,"
Larry says. "A legal alien," Balki says proudly,
"The proud possessor of a green card, a driver's license and a membership
card for the Wayne Newton fan club." "Not that kind of
alien," Larry says, tired of it already, "I found out that Mypos is
the lost moon of Jupiter." "Who told you that?" Balki
asks. "Pete in Research." "Come on, Cousin,"
Balki says, "Pete is always pulling your foot. Remember the time he
told you that they found that eating carrots makes you taller?"
"Well, yes," Larry says. "And you are so many that you
turned orange?" Balki reminds him. "I remember," Larry
says, embarrassed. "And you told everyone it was a sunburn,"
Balki adds. "I remember. I remember. What's the
point?" "The point is Pete always likes to make you the buttocks
of his jokes," Balki explains, "Now, why don't you go home and get
some rest. I'm sure you'll feel better after a good sleep."
"I can't, Balki," Larry says, "I have a ton of work to
do." "Cousin, the work will be here tomorrow," Balki
insists, "You should take care of yourself." Balki puts his hand
on Larry's forehead and Larry says, "The work will be here tomorrow.
I should take care of myself." "I thought you'd see it my
way," Balki nods. "I see it your way," Larry mimics.
Larry exits and Harriette and Lydia come through the closed elevator door.
"Cousins, it's good to see you," Balki says and hugs them, the three
of them rising into the air, not seeing that Larry has re-entered the
basement. "Is Larry one of us yet?" Lydia asks. "Not
yet. But he will be very soon," Balki answers. Larry runs out
of the basement.
- When
Larry calls Jennifer down to the apartment he says, "I have proof that
Balki is an alien." "Of course he is," Jennifer says.
"Not that kind of alien!" Larry sighs, very tired of saying
this. After Jennifer notes that Balki is floating outside the window she
suggests they try to talk to him. "You can't reason with an
alien," Larry argues, "We have to leave right now."
- When
Harriette and Lydia enter the apartment through the closed door, Harriette asks
Lydia, "Can't we open the door for a change?" "I just love
the feeling of being one with the door. Don't you?" Lydia asks.
"No," Harriette answers, then says to Larry, "Hi, Cousin.
Going somewhere?" Larry runs toward his bedroom door but Mary Anne
walks through it and says, "Hi Cousin, your bedroom's a mess."
As Larry is cornered in the living room he says, "I just had a terrific
idea. Why don't we forget I saw any of this. I'll never breathe a
word to anyone." "I don't think so," Balki answers.
"No, really I mean it," Larry tries, "It will be our little
secret. I promise." Balki then explains how Larry will like
Mypos and the reasons, including, "The climate is perfect, there are no
wars and we've conquered cellulite." "That's what convinced
me," Lydia explains. "You'll never take me," Larry says
defiantly, "I won't go to sleep so that pod you're growing in the closet
can replace me." "Where do you get your ideas?" Balki asks,
"Those pods aren't for growing people, they're for lunch. Cousin,
Mypiots cannot live by headcheese alone." "Then how do you turn
people into Mypiots?" Larry asks. Balki produces a vest and says,
"I saved this one for you. Just put it on. I promise you'll
feel no pain." This is when Larry rises in the air with Balki trying
to put the vest on him.
- After
Balki wakes Larry up, Larry says, "Don't come any closer. You'll
never put that vest on me." "I wasn't going to," Balki
assures him. "Then why are you holding it?" Larry asks.
"I was getting dressed when I heard you yelling. You must have been
having a bad dream," Balki says. "I was dreaming?" Larry
asks, then relieved he says, "I was dreaming. Balki, it was
awful. I dreamed you were an alien." "I am an alien,"
Balki points out. "Not that kind of alien," Larry explains yet
again. [In fact Paula Roth even wrote into the script (FOR THE LAST TIME,
I PROMISE)]. After Larry explains his dream Balki comments, "Cousin, I
think in the sixties they called that a bad trip." After talking
about how watching the horror movies triggered Larry's bad dreams, he says,
"I thought it would be good to confront my fears. I guess I was
wrong." "You weren't wrong," Balki explains, "You just
went too far. If you confront your fears for twelve hours, there's a good
chance you'll create some new ones." "I created some
beauties," Larry sighs. "Don't worry about it, Cousin,"
Balki says, "You know what they say about fear. Hare today, gone
tomorrow." Balki laughs at his own joke.
There are some more differences between the
first draft above and the second draft from
October 12,
1988:
- In
this version, Larry is on the phone when Lydia and Harriette enter, but he says,
"Yes. Eight o'clock. Okay. Great. Bye,
bye." After the dialogue about Lydia's natural hair color, Larry
invites them to the Halloween party. "No, thanks," Lydia says,
"I hate Halloween. I hate anything that brings little kids to my
door." The rest of the scene with Harriette and Lydia is the same as
in the aired episode.
- When Balki enters he is wearing a
monkey mask, not a sheep mask. Balki explains, "But this isn't the
costume I'm wearing to the party. I'm wearing something else. You'll
never recognize me." "Oh, yes I will," Larry says,
"You're the only other guy coming tonight." (Didn't it sound
like someone might be coming when Larry was on the phone, though?). Balki
asks why they want to watch the horror movie marathon if no one else does.
"Because horror is the fun part of Halloween," Larry explains,
"It's what the turkey is to Thanksgiving. What the firecracker is to
the Fourth of July . . . " Balki gets it and chimes in with,
"What Saran Wrap is to Mypos coronation day." Larry stares at
Balki. "We have a lot of leftovers," Balki explains.
"Exactly," Larry confirms, "Saran Wrap for Coronation day, horror
movies for Halloween." Balki makes the comment about Ishtar and Larry
says, "Balki, not horrible movies. Horror movies.
Movies that frighten you to death." Larry gets an idea.
"Maybe it's a good thing no one else is coming to the party. Jennifer
and Mary Anne will get more and more frightened. And when women get
frightened, they turn to their men for 'comfort.' Huh, huh,
huh?" Balki gives his knowing, "Oh!" The script calls
this routine their "bachelor on the loose run." Balki then asks,
"Are we still talking about Halloween?" Larry picks up his coat
and they exit.
- When Larry says they're halfway through the
marathon he points out there are five movies to go, not three. After Balki
tells Mary Anne she has the best costume and Mary Anne says she though it would
be fun to come dressed as Jennifer, Jennifer adds, "She thought of it all
by herself." After the girls leave and the guys do the lights on /
lights off bit, Larry says they won't watch the movie in the dark and Balki
says, "Cousin, I don't think we should watch it at all. On Mypos,
telling scary stories is a misdemeanor. We believe it puts bad thoughts in
our minds and gives us nightmares." "Come on, Balki," Larry
says, "You're too nice. You could use a couple of bad thoughts just
for variety." "No, I'm going to brush my teeth, say my prayers
and write a letter to Mama," Balki says. Larry sighs, "Whoa,
what planet are you from?" Balki answers, "Well, I am what I
am. I got to be me. So I guess I'll do it my way." Balki
goes to his bedroom and Larry sits down, saying, "I guess I'm the only fun
guy left."
- The start of Scene C has this beginning to the
directions: "Balki is finishing putting slip covers on the couch. No
really, what he's doing is cleaning the carpet with a carpet sweeper. [!!! -
This must have been an inside joke] He points to a chair and it levitates
so he can sweep under it, then motions and the chair settles to the floor."
- After Larry explains what he's seen to Harriette
and Lydia, Lydia asks if he watched all twelve hours of the movie marathon, then
says, "And today you think you saw Balki do a bunch of supernatural
things. Do you think there is a connection?" There is an extra
line where Lydia says "Larry, relax. Sounds like you ate too much
Halloween candy." "That much sugar can affect your brain,"
Harriette adds. This is when Lydia says the next thing Larry will be
saying is that Balki is an alien, etc. When Larry checks the paper, he
also mutters, "Too much sugar. That's got to be it."
- After Balki levitates above Larry, then comes
back down and startles him, Larry asks, "Where did you go?"
"Nowhere, Cousin," Balki assures him. The headline reads
"Planet Mypos Discovered Behind Pluto" now. When the headline
changes and Larry is confused, he says, "But it said . . . Mypos . . .
behind Pluto . . . " "Cousin, Mypos is behind Pluto, and we're
also very supportive of Mickey Mouse. But it's nothing to get stressed out
about," Balki offers. After Larry deduces that Balki's and alien and
is going to turn everyone into Mypiots and take them back to his planet, Balki
says, "Well, okay. It was going to be a surprise, but I guess the
cat's out of the glad bag."
- When Larry refuses to go to Mypos, Balki assures
him, "It will be painless. All you'll have to do is give up your
personality. Which in your case, will be a small price to pay."
"Well, you're not taking this guy," Larry insists. "Cousin,
we have ways of making you go," Balki informs him. "Well, you're
going to have a fight in your hands," Larry promises, "This is one
earthling who's not going to go easy. Well, I'm going to be kicking and
scratching. You'll have a fight on your . . . " This is when
Balki pulls the mind takeover on Larry. After Larry breaks free of the
mind grip and asks what happened to Balki and "You used to be so nice"
Balki says, "We Mypiots were nice for six thousand years. But then
someone suggested we 'could use a couple of bad thoughts just for
variety.'" He then explains how the little bad thoughts grew into big
bad thoughts. At the end of his speech, he adds, "You should see what
we've done to Mars. It's all condos and off shore drilling."
- At the apartment, when Balki tries to put his
hand on Larry's forehead again, Larry backs away and says, "I'm not falling
for that one again. You'll never take me." "Cousin, when
you're not nice, you can take whatever you want," Balki informs him.
When Larry is in the air trying to run away he's crying, "Get away.
Get away." Balki is saying, "Cousin. Cousin."
- This is the way they merge into the next scene,
with Larry crying, "No, no! Get away!" "Cousin,
Cousin," Balki tries to wake him. Larry sees the knife in his chest
and screams but doesn't calm down and say that it's great. "You must
have been having a bad dream," Balki deduces. "I was
dreaming?" Larry asks, then explains his dream, saying, "The worst
thing was you weren't nice." "But, last night you were saying I
was too nice," Balki points out. "I was wrong," Larry said,
"Nice works for you, believe me. I never want to have a dream like
that again." The rest of the episode is the same.
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