Nielsen Rating: 13.5 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 51 - The Lottery
First Air Date: October 14, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 13.5 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard
Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Gregg Berger: The Clerk
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
Balki-isms:
"Well, if it’s good enough for our
space program it’s good enough for me!"
"I’d love to give homes to the
homeless, jobs to the jobless, shifts to the shiftless."
"Cousin, I’m just playing a game of
cat and louse with you."
"Cousin . . . we’re multiple
millionaires again!"
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Question . . . "
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki mistakes an insult from Gorpley as
being a compliment
Mary Anne says something silly then
follows it with something highly intelligent
The Dance of Joy
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Songs: "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof - sung by Balki after he buys a lottery ticket.
Interesting facts:
- In the season four opening credits,
Melanie Wilson is listed above Rebeca Arthur, unlike season three when Rebeca
was listed first. The switching was likely done so both actresses would have a
chance at the higher billing and to keep their credits on an even keel.
- Cousin John reminded us that the reason this
season debuted in mid-October was because there had been a writer's strike that
had lasted from March to August 1988, delaying production on most television
series for the year!
- There are not many changes to the plot or work
situations between
season three and season four. In fact about the most noticeable change
with the cast itself is the
length of Balki’s hair, which is much shorter this season. There were
changes in the set decoration, though. As Cousin John points out, in
season three, the walls were a bright white color and the wood trim was a dark
brown - creating a visually sharp contrast. For the new season, the
walls were painted an off-white, almost peachy color. The wood trim in the
apartment had a much lighter shade of brown and seemed to glow under the lights.
Additionally, lighting and book shelves were added to the furniture piece behind
the couch - the one where Balki hid in The Karate Kids. This served
to further the gag where the cousins were searching for the lottery ticket.
From this episode onward, the shelves remained, even if they held props other
than books.
- Balki's treasure caribou,
the little ceramic Myposian animal that doubles as Balki's piggy bank, makes a
notable appearance in this episode. It had already appeared in previous episodes
(most notably in the third season episode Taking Stock because Balki
stored his letter from Mr. Kasselman in it) and would be seen sitting on a shelf
through much of
the series.
- When Larry runs to the closet and starts
pulling out Balki’s coats they are all jackets and coats which we’ve seen
him actually wear throughout the series.
- When they empty out the cereal boxes we
can see that one is a box of Raisin Puffs while the other boxes contain Colonel
Kernels, Sugar Oatsies and Oat Boats. The first three cereals had all been seen
on the show before, and fans of Full House, another Miller/Boyett series,
may remember Oat Boats being a pivotal breakfast cereal in an episode titled Sisterly
Love, as well as the Tanner’s cereal of choice throughout that series.
- One joke was cut from the episode but
you can still just barely catch it. After they break open the vacuum cleaner bag
and dust flies everywhere Balki starts going through Larry’s hair as if he’s
still searching for the ticket. At one point Bronson pretended to pull a bug
from Larry’s hair and eat it, the way a chimpanzee might do. If you look
closely, when they cut to another angle you can see Bronson is still acting like
he’s chewing something as Larry is giving him an exasperated look.
- Dimitri does not appear in this episode,
as was usually the case when the apartment was somehow messed up, dirtied or
destroyed in some way.
- Gregg Berger, who appears here as the
lottery clerk, is an accomplished voice actor who has worked for many years in
Hollywood, providing the voice for countless animated programs and movies,
including the voice for Odie the dog in many Garfield programs!
Bloopers and inconsistencies:
- In the season two episode, Babes in Babylon, Balki points out that Larry doesn’t play the lottery.
Yet in this
episode Balki has no idea what the lottery even is!
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle. Balki finishes sorting a few letters and tosses them into a
basket, then heads to the coatrack to get his jacket. As Balki starts to leave,
Mr. Gorpley exits his office and calls, "Bartokomous! Where do you think
you’re going?" "Well, uh . . . since it’s quitting time I was
thinking I was going outside to Cousin Larry’s car," Balki explains,
"because sometimes . . . . " "Bartokomous," Gorpley
interrupts, "You can’t fool me. You are not going anywhere until you
compile that new office directory. I guess that means you’ll be working late
tonight." Mr. Gorpley smiles a wicked smile. "Well, no because . . . I
already finish it!"
Balki picks up a huge book from a basket
on Larry’s desk and hands it to Mr. Gorpley. r. Gorpley is shocked as Balki
continues, 
saying, "Look!"
Balki opens the front flap of the book,
which remains open just under Gorpley’s nose. "Each employee is
alphabetized," Balki points out, "and indexed and cross-referenced
according to blood type, and look . . . " Balki turns the book the other
way in Gorpley’s arms, opening it again as the cover swipes Gorpley’s face.
" . . . if anybody needs blood type O, this little baby tell them where to
go." Balki closes the book, swiping Gorpley’s face again. "Keep
smiling, Bartokomous," Gorpley snarls, "your days here are
numbered." "Oh, Mr. Gorpley," Balki smiles, "I’m so
flattered you would take the time to count them." Balki rests his head
against Gorpley’s face and pats the man’s hand, then adds, "It makes me
feel kind of special." "Oh, you’re special all right!" Gorpley
says with exasperation and walks back into his office.
The elevator door opens and Lydia runs to
Balki, crying, "Balki, I won! I won!" Harriette exits the elevator
behind Lydia as she continues, saying, "The winning was done by me . . . I
was the one who won! I won! I won! I won the lottery!"
She holds up a
lottery ticket for Balki to see. "The lottery? Oh, Miss Lydia!" Balki
says excitedly, "Blow my mind, why don’t you?" After a moment Balki
asks, "What’s the lottery?" Lydia is taken aback and not sure she
wants to answer but Harriette steps forward, offering, "Uh, let me take
this one. Sugar, the lottery’s a game run by the state to raise money for the
schools. Now, you see, you pick six numbers, and if it’s the right six you
could win 28 million dollars." "Miss Lydia!" Balki gasps,
"You won 28 million dollars?" "Actually, I won a hundred
dollars," Lydia says not so enthusiastically, "Five minutes ago it
seemed like a lot of money!"
Larry enters from the archives and walks
to his chair to get his coat as he announces, "Well, another edition put to
bed and once again I had absolutely nothing to do with it." "Cousin,
do you know anything about the lottery?" Balki asks. "Oh sure, Balki,"
Larry answers, "The lottery is a scam run by the state to take advantage of
people who didn’t show up when they were passing out brains." Larry
laughs, smiling as he asks, "Right, Lydia?" "Drop dead,
Larry," Lydia scowls, walking back into the elevator. "Thanks a
lot!" Harriette moans, "Now I’ve got to listen to her whine all the
way to the fifth floor!" Harriette steps into the elevator and is closing
the doors when Lydia begins, "I cannot believe that he said that to me . .
. . "
"Did I miss something?" Larry
asks. "Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars in the lottery," Balki
explains. "Oh, shoot," Larry sighs, realizing now that he
inadvertently insulted her. "Cousin . . . I want play the lottery,"
Balki says eagerly. "No, you can’t play the lottery," Larry insists.
"I want play the lottery!" Balki repeats. "No, Balki, the chances
of winning the lottery are astronomical." "Well, if it’s good enough
for our space program it’s good enough for me!" Balki notes. "No,
no, Balki . . . Balki . . . you got a better chance of getting hit by a
car!" Larry adds. "Well, sure I do," Balki agrees, "but . .
. who wants to buy a ticket for that?" Balki heads to the parking garage
with a devious look on his face as Larry follows, saying after him, "No,
Balki, you’re not playing the lottery! No, Balki . . . Balki . . . Balki!"
That evening Larry enters the dark
apartment with a bag of groceries. He turns on the light then leans against the
doorway as Balki enters, singing "If I Were a Rich Man" as he dances
with a lottery ticket in his hand. Larry walks to the kitchen counter to put his
bag down, sighing, "I can’t believe that after everything I said you
still bought a lottery ticket." "I can’t believe you give me the
dollar!" Balki adds. "No, I didn’t give you the dollar, I lent
you the dollar and I want it back!" Larry explains as he goes to close
the door. "Okay, Cousin," Balki says and he gets a dollar bill out of
his treasure caribou. He hands the bill toward Larry, saying,
"Here you go, but first . . . " He pulls the dollar away. " . . .
I would like to offer you the opportunity to buy half my lottery ticket."
"No thanks," Larry insists,
grabbing for the dollar bill but Balki puts his arm around Larry’s shoulder,
moving the dollar out of Larry’s reach. "Cousin, after all you took me
in, you gave me shelter, you feed me . . . " "Just give me my dollar
and we’ll call it even," Larry assures Balki, reaching for the money
again. Once again Balki moves it before Larry can grab it. "But Cousin, I’m
a simple sheepherder . . . my needs are few. I don’t need 28 million dollars.
I think I could slide by with 14 million." "I don’t want half your
ticket, I don’t want any of your ticket," Larry says seriously,
"I just want the money you owe me." Larry motions toward the money
with his left hand then suddenly snatches it out of Balki’s fingers with his
left hand, accidentally snatching Balki’s lottery ticket as well which he then
hands back to Balki.
"Balki, look . . . let me teach you a
little lesson in economic reality," Larry begins. "Will this be
followed by a short question and answer period?" Balki asks. "Just
listen," Larry continues as they sit on the couch, "This is a nice,
crisp dollar bill. Let me read for just a moment. ‘This note is legal tender
for all debts, public and private.’ That means I can buy things with it.
I
give this to someone and they give me things I want. This, on the other hand, is
a totally worthless piece of paper. You cannot buy anything with this, nothing .
. . zip, zero, zilch. No one with an ounce of common sense would trade this . .
. " he holds up the dollar, " . . . for this," he indicates the
lottery ticket. "Unless this," Balki replies, grabbing back his
lottery ticket, "were worth 28 million of those." Balki gets up and
starts singing and dancing to "If I Were a Rich Man" again.
The next scene takes place the night of
the lottery drawing. Mary Anne and Jennifer are sitting with Larry on the couch
in front of the television as Balki finishes making some popcorn in the kitchen.
"Hurry up, Balki, it’s almost time for the drawing!" Mary Anne
urges. "Wouldn’t it be great if one of us actually won?" Jennifer
asks. "Oh!" Mary Anne sighs, "If I won I’d buy the airline.
Then I could make up the schedule so I don’t have to work double shifts."
"You would buy the airline just so you could change your schedule?"
Jennifer asks. "Well, yes!" Mary Anne answers, "And then I’d
decrease my holdings but maintain a controlling interest, initiate a
three-for-one stock split and roll my money into high yield junk bonds."
"What about you, Larry?" Jennifer asks, "What would you do with
28 million dollars?" "Sorry, Jennifer," Larry sighs, "I’m
a newspaper man. My beat is reality."
"This is the part where he takes the
fun out of the evening," Balki moans. "Balki, what would you do if you
won the lottery?" Mary Anne asks. "Yeah, Balki, after all you’re the
one holding the winning ticket," Larry adds sarcastically. "Well, um .
. . first I would take a big chunk and pay off the Myposian national debt."
"Balki, the entire national debt?" Jennifer gasps, "How much is
that?" "Six-hundred-thirty-five dollars," Balki answers,
"And then after my country’s back on her feet I would love to do
something for the poor people of Chicago. I’d love to give homes to the
homeless, jobs to the jobless, shifts to the shiftless." "Balki, that
is so sweet," Jennifer smiles. "Oh, look, they’re doing the
drawing!" Mary Anne notes, reaching to grab the remote so she can turn the
sound up. Jennifer reaches to the coffee table to pick up hers and Mary Anne’s
tickets, asking, "Balki, where’s your ticket?" "I hide it away in a safe
place," Balki answers, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket, "but
don’t worry, I write the numbers down right here." "All right,
everybody, get your lottery tickets ready!" the announcer on the television
states.
"Cousin, I can’t stand the suspense," Balki cries, handing
Larry the piece of paper, "Please, you check the numbers for me?"
"Oh, golly gee, Balki," Larry says condescendingly, "You’re
gonna trust me with the winning numbers?" "Back off, Cousin, just
check the numbers!" Balki says, putting his hands over his ears and closing
his eyes. The announcer starts reading off the numbers. "Fifteen . . .
thirty-two . . . fifty-two . . . " Larry eyes the piece of paper and his
eyes open wider as each number is read. " . . . twenty-one . . .
twenty-four . . . and thirty-four." Larry’s eyes are now unbelievably
wide as he stares at the paper where Balki has written the numbers. "Well,
that’s it for me!" Jennifer sighs. "Balki, it’s over," Mary
Anne says, shaking his knee, "We all lost." "What?" Balki
asks in disbelief, getting up as the girls head to the door, "But . . . but
the man at the store tell me that he was sure that I had the winning
numbers." "Oh, they say that to everybody," Mary Anne explains.
"Larry, are you all right?" Jennifer asks, noting the expression on
Larry’s face. "Balki? Balki . . . " Larry says, waving Balki over
then looking up at him, "You won 28 million dollars!" "I
won?" Balki asks with surprise. "You won!" Larry repeats.
Balki
turns to the girls, shouting, "I won!" The girls rush to Balki and
Balki turns to Larry with his arms wide open. Larry gets up to throw himself
over the couch and into Balki’s arms but Balki turns around and instead hugs
the girls and they jump up and down in glee as Larry disappears with a thud
behind the couch.
Act two begins with Balki wishing Jennifer
and Mary Anne goodnight at the door. They say "Bye!" and turn to
leave, but Mary Anne stops. "You know, Balki, 28 million dollars hasn’t
changed you at all." "Well, I’m just a simple sheepherder,"
Balki admits, then closes the door after Mary Anne leaves and turns to Larry
exclaiming, "Who’s rich beyond my wildest dreams!" Balki and Larry
do the Dance of Joy to celebrate. "I can’t believe I won the giant
jackpot!" Balki cries, still holding Larry in his arms. "We’re rich,
Balki, we’re rich!" Larry cries happily, pressing his face against Balki’s.
Balki sets Larry down and says, "Mama will be so proud!" "We did
it! We did it!" Larry exclaims, once again pressing his cheek against Balki’s.
"Cousin, tell me I’m not dreaming," Balki asks, "Tell me I
really won!" "You’re not dreaming!" Larry confirms, "We
won all right!" Larry again presses his cheek to Balki’s.
Suddenly Balki looks confused, his cheek
still pressed against Larry’s. "Tell me again?" Larry holds Balki at
arm’s length and 
repeats, "We won!" then presses his cheek against
Balki’s again. "Question . . . " Balki begins, pushing Larry away
from him, "How could we win if I bought the lottery ticket?"
Larry thinks a moment, realizing the truth, then acts cool, straightening Balki’s
shirt. "Well, don’t get me wrong," Larry schmoozes, "I mean, no
one questions that you bought the ticket but let’s not forget that I was the
one who loaned you the money . . . gave you the capital . . . made the initial
outlay for our risky venture." "Yes, and in gratitude I offered you
the opportunity to buy one half of what I correctly claimed was the winning
ticket," Balki points out, "but you refused and then you made fun of
me and then you accused me of throwing my money down a rat hole." "I’ve
changed my mind since then," Larry finagles. "Oh Cousin," Balki
smiles, "if only life were that simple."
Balki walks over to the couch and Larry
tries again. "Uh, uh, Balki . . . Balki . . . I’ll tell you what . . . as
a show of faith I’ve got twenty bucks, I’ll go out, but twenty tickets and
whatever I win we’ll split 50-50." "So, now you like the
lottery?" Balki asks. "Oh, I do, I do!" Larry nods emphatically.
"That’s funny because if memory serves me, and I think it does, when we
were in the store I recall you told me that if I were to look up the word sucker
in a dictionary my picture would be there." Larry tries to remain composed,
but falls into begging mode. "Balki . . . please . . . please, please . . .
I want to be rich! Please!" Balki smiles, enjoying this, and finally
admits, "Cousin, I’m just playing a game of cat and louse with you.
Of
course I share my jackpot with you!" Balki and Larry hug, Larry switching
from side to side saying, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
Then
throwing his arm up he yells, "In your face, Donald Trump!"
"Now . . . where is the lottery
ticket?" Larry asks. "I hide it," Balki answers. "Good for
you," Larry approves, "Where did you hide 
it?"
Balki thinks as
his expression drops. "Balki . . . do you remember where you hid it?"
"N . . . not right now," Balki admits. "What do you mean ‘not
right now’?" Larry asks, getting panicked, "Where is it?"
"Well, I hide it and then I hide it again so many times that I forget where
I hide it last," Balki explains. "You have got to
remember!" Larry yells, then lowers his voice into a calming tone, saying,
"All right, all right . . . that’s all right, no problem . . . no
problem. Take your time, no hurry, just try to think back. You put the ticket .
. . . " "I put the ticket . . . " Balki repeats, thinking.
"You put the ticket . . . " Larry leads again. "I put the ticket
. . . in . . . my . . . . " "You put the ticket in your . . . "
Larry prompts. Balki thinks, reaching for it, then answers, " . . . winter
coat." "Winter coat, there," Larry smiles as Balki sighs with
relief.
Larry and Balki race to the closet and
Larry pulls out a succession of Balki’s jackets and coats as Balki notes each
one, saying, "Spring . . . Summer . . . Autumn . . . " Larry throws a
vacuum cleaner out of the closet roughly then pulls out Balki’s heavy dark 
coat. "Winter!" Balki confirms. Larry starts rifling through the
pockets hurriedly, finally saying, "The ticket’s not there." "It’s not there?" Balki asks worriedly, "I . . . I was sure I
put it in there." Larry keeps looking through the coat as Balki walks away,
thinking aloud, "I . . . I remember thinking that I would put it either in
my winter coat . . . or . . . in . . . a cereal box!" They run to the
kitchen and Larry pulls out four boxes of cereal, setting them on the table.
They dump the contents out of the boxes onto the table and started rummaging
through stuff until Balki picks something out and cries, "Oh, look
Cousin!" "You found it! You found it!" Larry cries happily, then
stares at it in confusion, asking, "What is it?" "It’s the
Captain Power decoder ring!" Balki smiles, "Now I have a complete
set!" Larry grabs the ring and throws it out the window, saying, "Now
you don’t!"
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt, demanding,
"Where is it?? Think! Think!" "I can’t think!" Balki
cries, "I was up all night, I don’t get any sleep because I was up all
night . . . " Larry comforts Balki, saying, "All right, all right, all
right . . . just try to remember . . . try to remember . . . you had the ticket
in your hand, you were in the apartment . . . " "I was in the living
room," Balki sobs. Larry pushes Balki into the living room, repeating,
"In the living room . . . all right, and then?" "I was watching
TV," Balki recounts. Larry pushes Balki down into the chair. "Over
there," Balki points to the sofa and so Larry pulls him out of the chair
and hurls him onto the sofa instead. "And then?" Larry asks.
"I
began to gaze into the fire," Balki remembers. Larry runs around Balki,
pulling him up onto the arm of the sofa and urging, "And then?" "I began to think of home," Balki sighs.
"And then . . . and then
. . . and then?" Larry asks impatiently. Balki holds his hands up, trying
to think. "And then . . . . I don’t remember," Balki finally admits.
"You don’t remember where you hid a
lottery ticket worth 28 million dollars??" Larry screams, shaking Balki.
"Books!" Balki 
cries.
"What about them?" Larry shouts. "It’s
hidden behind the books!" Balki cries. Larry pushes Balki away and runs to
the bookshelf as Balki pops up over the couch and joins him. They start pulling
books down off the shelf frantically. "Wait a minute!" Balki stops,
"Now that I think about it . . . it’s not behind the books, it’s
in one of the books!" "Which one?" Larry demands, "It
makes a difference, you know." "Shakespeare," Balki remembers.
"Shakespeare . . . Shakespeare . . . Shakespeare . . . " Larry
repeats, getting three books down off the shelf, then asking, "Comedies or
tragedies?" "Sonnets," Balki answers. "Sonnets," Larry
repeats, throwing off two of the book and rigorously shaking the third book,
flapping its pages open wildly but nothing falls out. "It’s not
here," Larry announces. "It’s not there?" Balki asks with
surprise, taking the book from Larry and very calmly starts to leaf through it
page by page.
Larry grabs the book and throws it aside
then grabs Balki by the collar again, screaming "Where is it??? Think!
Think!!" "I can’t think, there’s no air to my brain," Balki
rasps with Larry squeezing his collar so tightly. Larry lets go and starts
pumping Balki’s diaphragm until Balki announces, "Oh, that’s better!
I
must have hidden it underneath the corner of the carpet!" "Impossible," Larry says, "I would have found it when I
vacuumed." They suddenly look at one another and then run to pick up the
vacuum cleaner from the floor. Larry pulls the bag out and they start pulling at
it in opposite directions until the bag splits and dust flies absolutely
everywhere. Balki even starts looking through Larry’s dusty hair. "It’s
not in there," Balki concludes. "All right . . . all right, don’t panic!"
Larry yells, "All right, it’s gotta be here somewhere. You take the
kitchen, I’ll take the living room!" Balki starts running into his
bedroom and Larry cries, "The kitchen! The kitchen! The kitchen!"
Balki changes course and runs to the kitchen as Larry starts searching the
couch.
The next morning Balki and Larry are
sitting on the floor next to the upturned chair and couch in their completely
demolished 
apartment.
There is a knock on the door and they call, "Come
in." Mary Anne pushes the door open, knocking aside some debris, as the
girls enter. "Wow! You guys got eccentric fast!" Mary Anne comments.
"Larry, what happened? Were you robbed?" Jennifer gasps. "I lost
the lottery ticket," Balki cries, and he and Larry sob. "Well, easy
come, easy go," Mary Anne sighs. Balki and Larry shoot her a look.
"Well, listen, uh . . . we have to work a flight but we’ll be back
tonight and we’ll just help you find it!" Jennifer promises. "Thank
you," Larry and Balki sigh together. The girls start to walk out the door
but Mary Anne stops and turns around, pulling an envelope out of her purse and
laying it on one of the overturned chairs. "Oh, Balki, here’s that
envelope you asked me to hold for you." She leaves and Balki and Larry
looks up at the door, then drop their heads, until they finally react to the
envelope. They rush to the chair, Larry pulling the lottery ticket out while
Balki still searches the envelope. "Balki!" Larry says, showing him
the ticket. "Cousin . . . we’re multiple millionaires again!" Balki
gasps. They scream for joy, hugging each other and jumping around.
At a very tall building, Balki and Larry
rush into the lottery office and up to the counter, Larry pushing Balki into the
counter roughly in his eagerness. "Hello, listen," Balki begins as
Larry stands behind him, holding the ticket out in front of Balki, "I think
if 
you just check the numbers on our lottery ticket you’ll find that we’re
the lottery’s newest millionaires." Larry pushes Balki aside and holds
the ticket out to the man, saying, "Large bills will be fine." "Yeah, we issue checks for anything over a hundred dollars," the clerk
tells them. "Well, I guess this is one check we won’t be cashing at the
Quick Shop!" Larry laughs. "Yeah, mind if I check the numbers?"
the clerk asks, "We like to do that before we hand over 28 million
dollars." "Of course," Balki and Larry agree. The clerk starts checking the numbers,
with Balki and Larry reacting with high fives and other silly movements at each
number. "Fifteen, fifteen . . . thirty-two, thirty-two . . . fifty-two,
fifty-two . . . twenty-one, twenty-one . . . twenty-four, twenty-seven . . .
" "Wait, hold it!" Larry stops. "Thirty-four,
thirty-seven," the clerk finishes. "No, those aren’t the right
numbers," Larry argues. "You know, that same thought just occurred to
me," the clerk notes. "But, but, there’s something wrong here,"
Larry stutters, "Balki has the numbers written right on this piece of
paper."
Larry shows the paper to the clerk and he starts going through the
numbers again, until he asks, "Now is that a four or a seven?" "Four," Larry answers just as Balki answers, "Seven."
"What do you mean seven?" Larry asks. "Now I can see how you
might 
think that was a four," the clerk says, "It’s got that little
line through the middle." "I also put that through my Zs so that
nobody thinks they’re 2s," Balki explains. "Who cares about your Zs?" Larry
asks, "I want our money! Give me our 28 million dollars!" "Sir,
this ticket has the wrong numbers!" the clerk points out. "Oh, who
cares about this ticket?" Larry asks, tossing it to one side and grabbing
the clerk by his lapel, "Look, look! Look at this paper! It has gotta be
worth at least a million!" "Cousin!" Balki cries, "Remember,
reality is your beat . . . and the beat goes on." "Wait, you did match
four numbers," the clerk reminds them, "You won a hundred
dollars!" He hands them a hundred dollar bill, which Balki takes, saying,
"Thank you. Very nice of you. Come along, Cousin, look!"
Balki holds
the money out so Larry will follow him out of the office. "I don’t want a
hundred dollars," Larry whines, "I want 28 million dollars!"
Back at the apartment, Larry slouches
inside and walks to the overturned couch. "That’s the story of my
life," he moans, "What made me think that I could win the
lottery?" Larry plops down onto the dusty couch and out of view.
"But
Cousin, we did win the lottery!" Balki points out, righting the couch with
Larry on it so that Larry ends up in a perfect lying position, then Balki sits
on it as well. "We picked four numbers out of six!" Balki points out
cheerfully, "We won one hundred dollars!" "Big deal!" Larry
sighs, "What’s a hundred dollars?" "What’s a hundred
dollars?" Balki asks, "It’s one pair of Air Jordan basketball
shoes!" Larry looks unimpressed. "It’s twenty trips to the top of
the Sears Tower," Balki tries, but again Larry isn’t impressed. "It’s
a four year subscription to Sports Illustrated magazine which, if we order now,
includes the baseball preview and the swimsuit issue!" Larry look
disappointed, then thinks about it a moment.
Larry sits up, asking, "Balki, how do
you do it?" "Cousin," Balki laughs sympathetically, "You
just take the little postcard out of 
the magazine and . . . . "
"No," Larry interrupts, "No, no, no . . . I mean, you see the
hundred dollars we won and I see the 27 million, 999 thousand, 900 dollars we
lost." "Well now, Cousin," Balki says, "you’re comparing
the 28 million dollars you thought you had yesterday with the one hundred
dollars that you do have today. And I’m comparing the one hundred dollars that
we do have today with the one hundred dollars we did not have yesterday."
Larry thinks about this, then sighs. "Balki, you’re right. I guess I . .
. see . . . I see the glass half empty." Larry holds his hand out as if
holding a glass to make his point. "And you . . . you always see the glass
half full." Balki looks concerned, then tells Larry, "Cousin . . . I
don’t see a glass at all!" He takes Larry’s hand in sympathy.
Script Variations:
There are some notable
differences between the second draft script dated September 14, 1988 and the
aired episode:
- When
Gorpley asks Balki where he thinks he's going, Balki says, "Well, I was
going to go outside to Cousin Larry's car. And then stop at the Quik-Shop
on the way home for a little quick shopping." Gorpley says, "Bartokomous,
you can't fool me. You couldn't possibly have had time to compile that new
office directory." "Oh, yes I could, sir. And here it
is," Balki answers, then shows Gorpley the huge directory. After
Balki says Mr. Gorpley makes him feel kind of special, Gorpley simply says,
"You're welcome," in a bewildered way.
- After Lydia tells Balki that she's won the
lottery, Balki says, "The lottery! Wow! And to think that I,
Balki Bartokomous, a young immigrant who has been in his country but two short
years and six weeks, would personally know someone who has won the
lottery. Oh, Miss Lydia, blow my mind, why don't you?" Then he
asks, "What's the lottery?" (It's interesting to note that
the two years and six weeks equates to the two full seasons plus the previous
short six week season the show had been on the air!)
- After Larry says the lottery is a scam to take
advantage of people who didn't show up when they were handing out brains, Balki
says, "Well, Miss Lydia must have been absent that day because she just won
a hundred dollars." "I wasn't finished yet," Larry
continues, "There are also many intelligent and sophisticated people who
find an occasional game of chance quite stimulating." "Drop
dead, Larry," Lydia replies.
- After Lydia and Harriette leave, Balki says,
"Cousin, I want to play the lottery." "Balki, the chances
of winning the lottery are astronomical," Larry points out. "But
Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars." "Balki, for every Miss Lydia
that wins, there's millions of people who lose their money."
"But Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars," Balki repeats. "Balki,
you've got better chances of getting hit by a car." "Sure,
Cousin, but who would want to buy a ticket for that?" Balki asks.
"Fine. Fine," Larry gives in, "Play the lottery.
Throw your money away." They exit.
- When Balki is offering Larry half of his lottery
ticket, Balki says, "I'm just a simple sheepherder. My needs are
few. I don't need 28 million dollars. I'd be perfectly happy with 14
million." "I don't want half your ticket," Larry insists,
"I don't want any of your ticket. I just want the money you owe
me." Larry snatches the dollar from Balki. "Cousin, it's
so unlike you to pass up 14 million dollars," Balki notes. "I'm
not passing up anything," Larry says, and this is where he gives Balki a
lesson in economic reality.
- After Mary Anne explains how she would buy the
airline to change her schedule, then decrease her holdings but still maintain a
controlling interest, intitiate a three-for-one-stock split and roll her money
into high yield junk bonds, everyone looks at her and she explains, "My
uncle got busted for insider trading." "You must be very
proud," Balki says.
- After Balki says he would pay off the Myposian
National Debt if he wins, Jennifer says, "Oh, Balki, how patriotic.
How much is that?" "Six hundred thirty-five dollars. Down
from eight hundred and thirty-five, due to a recent bond issue," Balki
answers.
- After Jennifer asks Balki where his ticket is
before the drawing, Balki says, "Don't worry. I hit it
away." "He was up until three in the morning trying to find the
perfect hiding place," Larry explains. "Which I did," Balki
says, "But I wrote the numbers down right here." Balki asks
Larry to check the numbers for him and Larry says, "Sure, Balki. It's
a big responsibility but I think I can handle it." After Balki says
the man at the store told him he had the winning numbers, Mary Anne says,
"Well, at least the money went for a good cause."
- After Balki reminds Larry how he said that if he
looked up the word "sucker" in the dictionary his picture would be
there, Balki adds, "Well, it wasn't." Larry begs, saying,
"I want to be rich." Balki says, "Cousin, I don't know if
money would be good for you." "Oh, it would, it would,"
Larry insists, "I'd be a really, really good rich person. I'd feed
the poor, shelter the homeless. Shift the shiftless. You wouldn't
recognize me. Please, Balki, please." This is when Balki says
he's just playing cat and louse with him.
- After saying "In your face, Donald
Trump!" Larry says, "I'm not letting that ticket out of my sight until
we claim our 28 million dollars. Where's the lottery ticket?"
"It's in a very secret place," Balki says. Larry picks up
Balki's treasure caribou and starting going through the contents.
"How did you know I hid my lottery ticket in there?" Balki asks.
"You hide everything in here," Larry answers. Larry starts to
shake it. "Cousin," Balki says with concern. Larry starts
to break it but Balki stops him. "Cousin, it's not in my treasure
caribou. I moved it." "Where is it?" Larry
asks. "Somewhere else." "Where?" This is
when Balki says he hid it so many times he can't remember.
- When Balki gets upset because he can't remember
where the ticket is, Larry massages Balki's shoulder, saying, "Okay.
You're too tense. Relax. Let your mind go free. Breath
deeply." Balki says, "Ooh. That feels good. A little
lower to the left." "Balki!" Larry snaps. Then Balki
remembers he books.
- When Larry is insisting Balki remember where the
ticket is, he cries, "Balki, you've got to remember. Do it for the
poor. Do it for the homeless. Do it for me! Balki,
think! Think!" Larry is holding Balki by the lapels and Balki
says, "I can't. There's no air to my brain." Larry
releases Balki and he remembers, "It's taped inside my
umbrella." They run to the umbrella stand and grab out the umbrella
and tear it to shreds. The tickets not there. "Is it bad luck
to shred an umbrella indoors?" Balki asks. This is when they split up
to search the living room. The vacuum cleaner scenario is not in this
version.
- After Jennifer asks Larry if they were robbed,
Larry says, "Only of my dreams." Then Balki says, "I lost
the lottery ticket."
- At the claims office, the clerk realizes they
don't have the right numbers. A woman behind them impatiently says,
"Hurry up, you two, I've got money to collect." "Put a sock
in it, lady!" Larry reacts. After they realize they only won one
hundred dollars, the woman steps up, pushing them aside and saying, "Move
it." Balki tries to excite Larry about the money they've won and
Larry whines, "A hundred dollars? I want my twenty-eight
million. I want a Ferrari. I want to be rich. I was going to
help the poor. Really. This isn't happening." The clerk
then says to the woman, "Congratulations. You're our newest
millionaire." "I won! I won!" she shouts, then shows
Larry her ticket and says, "Those are fours!" Larry puts
his head on Balki's shoulder and starts to sob.
- The final scene is the same as in the show, but
continues after Balki says, "Cousin, I don't see the glass at all.
All I know is that when I have a choice between feeling bad and feeling good, I
choose good. Even you can do that." "Yeah, I could
try," Larry says. "Good. Now let's clean up this
mess," Balki suggests. "Tonight? It'll take us
forever," Larry whines. "Cousin, you're doing it again,"
Balki points out, "Find something good." Larry thinks, then
says, "I guess we could watch T.V. while we clean up." They both
look for the TV set. "All we have to do is find it," Balki
realizes.
- There are a number of ABC One to One public
service announcement spots attached to this script, so it's possible some were
filmed around the time of this episode.
Back to:
EPISODE
GUIDE