Nielsen Rating: 11.6 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 49 - The Graduate
First Air Date: April 29, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 11.6 HH
TV Guide Description: If anyone deserves a graduation ceremony it's Balki, who knocks himself out for top honors in his night-school class, then learns there'll be no ceremony or prom.
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Blair
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Peter Crombie: Mr. Jones
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen
sitting on the bookcase with blue goggles on, looking down and studying a book.
At the end of the episode it's difficult to see, but Dimitri is sitting in the
same place wearing a black graduation cap and holding a diploma.
Balki-isms:
" . . . we’ve been studying for hours and I’m scraping the bottom of my
bucket."
"I don’t think so, Cousin. I enjoy eating meat so much."
"All right Cousin, let’s go for the mold!"
"Just between you and me it’s a lucky thing I don’t have a
percussion."
"It’s right on the tip of my brain!"
"I make my speech at the prom before all the promming starts?"
"So why should I feel like my heart has been torn out by the roots?"
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
" . . . Babbasticki."
"Oh my Lord!"
"Yes! Yes!!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry complains about someone in his past whom he feels wronged him in some way
(in this case that little tramp, Becky Jo Quinn, who became his high school
class valedictorian instead of him)
A quick dialogue exchange, in this case "You do?" "I
do!" "You do?" "I do!"
The Dance of Joy
Larry attempts to dump a cookie only to have it break off into the cup before he
can eat it
Harriette insults Lydia
Notable Moment: Balki graduates as valedictorian of his night school class and receives his high school diploma.
Interesting facts:
- The name of the publisher of Balki’s history book, The Warren Weber Company
of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is an in-joke. Perfect Strangers producers Tom Miller,
William Bickley and Michael Warren all worked previously on the series Happy
Days and fans will remember that Warren Weber was Potsie’s real name and
that the series took place in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. This was not the first and
would not be the last time that references to Happy Days would make their
way into Perfect Strangers!
- Speaking of Happy Days, it was
fitting there would be a reference to that show in this episode when in many
ways it parallels a classic two-part episode of that series called Graduation
in which Marion reveals that Fonzie has been attending night school so that he
will be able to graduate with the rest of his class, only to learn that night
school grads are not included in the regular class graduation. The gang then
speeds up their own ceremony to work in time for Fonzie to make a speech, since
he was valedictorian of his class (being the only one who passed).
- It’s interesting to note that Balki
was the valedictorian of his graduating class, since in real life Bronson
Pinchot was also valedictorian of his high school graduating class (or more
accurately co-valedictorian with another student who had the same high grade
point average).
- At the end of this episode we see what
has by now become a classic device to mark the ending of a touching episode in
this series and that is when the camera pans back and through the window to take
in the scene inside as the final credits roll.
Synopsis:
The episode begins in Balki and Larry’s
apartment. Balki is sitting on the couch, looking exhausted. Larry is standing
nearby, holding a book open in his left hand and a ruler in his right. "14th
President," Larry states. "Franklin Pierce," Balki answers in a
tired voice. "Term," Larry says, waiting for Balki to answer, but
Balki’s eyes are now closed. "Term!" Larry repeats, and still no
answer. "Balki!" Larry yells, slapping the ruler down hard on his own
leg and crying, "Ow!" Balki looks up at Larry groggily, saying,
"Oh, you’re still here. Cousin, I have to go to bed." Balki starts
to get up but Larry steps forward to stop him. "Balki, all you have to do
is get an ‘A’ on your history final and you will graduate high school at the
top of your class!" "Well, that’s very nice, Cousin," Balki
agrees, "but you see, we’ve been studying for hours and I’m scraping
the bottom of my bucket." "Well, scrape a little deeper!"
Larry insists, "Balki, nobody in the family has ever graduated at the top
of the class. I came close! All I needed was a 96 on my geometry final.
But Mr.
Blanchard threw in a trick question and I only got a 94. I came in second to
that little tramp, Becky Jo Quinn."
"Cousin, my history final is in
four hours and if I don’t get some sleep my brain isn’t going to be worth
babbasticki," Balki explains, trying again to leave but Larry holds him
back. "Balki, don’t you understand? You could be the first in the family
to be a valedictorian!" "Well, I . . . I don’t think so,
Cousin," Balki says skeptically, "I enjoy eating meat so much."
"No, no, Balki," Larry explains, "A valedictorian is the person
who is number one in his graduating class. And he gets to make the big speech at
the graduation ceremony!" "I could make a speech?" Balki asks.
"Absolutely!" Larry confirms, "And all we need to do is get 100
on the final tomorrow." "But Cousin, getting a perfect 100 on
the history final is like swimming across Lake Mypos without getting a single
leech," Balki says. "Balki, anything worth doing is going to be
hard," Larry states, "Now . . . !" He pushes Balki back into a
sitting position on the couch, then says, "Concentrate!" Again Larry
hits his own leg with the ruler and yells, "Ow!" Larry takes his place
next to the couch and calls out, "15th President!" "James Buchanan," Balki recites.
"Term!" Larry prompts. "1857 to 1861," Balki answers.
"Wife’s name!" Larry calls. "He wasn’t married," Balki replies.
"Why not?" Larry asks. "Who the heck knows?" Balki cries, getting up again, "Cousin, I’m
going to bed!"
Balki walks past Larry, who grabs his cousin’s arm to turn
him around. "Balki . . . you have the chance to walk into that graduation
valedictorian . . . number one . . . numero uno! Are you going to let a little
thing like sleep get in your way?" "Yes," Balki answers, "Now
Cousin, I’m sorry but I am not studying any more tonight and that’s
that." "Oh, that’s that, is it?" "That is 
exactly what
that is," Balki confirms, "I’m not studying any more tonight! My
brain is exhausted and besides I know everything in the book." "Oh,
you know everything in the book?" Larry asks skeptically. "Yes, I
do!" "You do?" "I do!" "You do?"
"I
do!" "You do?" "I do!" "Who was the president of
the confederacy?" Larry asks, shoving his face toward Balki. "Jefferson Davis!" Balki answers, sticking his face back at Larry.
"Who was the vice president of the confederacy?" Larry demands,
shoving his face in Balki’s again. "Alexander Stephens!" Balki
answers, shoving his face at Larry’s again, then adding, "He was from
Georgia!" and shoving his face even closer. Balki ends by saying, "He
weighed under a hundred pounds!" with a further shove of his face. "Who is the publisher of your history
book?" Larry asks. "You’re a sick man, Cousin," Balki notes.
"Oh you don’t know, do you? Do you?
Do you? You don’t know! Well, it’s
the Warren Weber company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin!" 
Larry opens the book
cover to show Balki. "Cousin, my teacher’s not going to ask that!"
Balki smirks. "No?" Larry asks incredulously, "and I thought my
teacher wasn’t going to ask how many pages there were in the textbook. But he
did! The only person who knew the answer was that little tramp, Becky Jo Quinn.
Now, are you going to be Balki Barotkomous, valedictorian?" Larry breathes
in deeply, puffing out his chest with pride. Balki mimics him, looking proud.
"Or a nobody?" Larry asks, deflating his chest and looking defeated,
with Balki following suit. "Valedictorian?" Larry repeats, puffing up
again with Balki, " . . . or nobody?" They both look defeated again
and Larry shakes his head no, that Balki doesn’t want to be a nobody. They
both breath in big again and Balki announces, "All right Cousin, let’s go
for the mold!" "That’s the spirit!" Larry agrees, motioning
Balki to sit back on the couch so they can resume Balki’s studying. Larry
opens the book again and reads, "Chapter one . . . . "
The scene fades to the next morning.
Larry
is sitting up, asleep, on the couch and Balki is sleeping on the back of the
couch. Larry shifts to his other side, knocking Balki off the back of the couch
as he does so. The sound of Balki falling awakens Larry 
somewhat and he looks
around in confusion then is about to nod off again when his eyes open with a
start. He calls out Balki’s name, then asks, "What time is it?"
"It’s Howdy Doody time," Balki answers sleepily from behind the
couch. Larry looks over the back of the couch and cries out, "Oh my Lord!
We fell asleep!" He checks his watch in shock. "It’s ten o’clock!
Balki!" Larry reaches down and pulls Balki up by
his hair, crying, "You history exam! It started an hour ago!"
"Really?" Balki asks, "How am I doing?" Larry jumps up and
runs around to the back of the couch, picking up Balki over his shoulders and
taking him to the door. "Coats, coats! Get the coats! Get the coats!"
Balki grabs their coats from the door rack. "Door! Door! Open the door!"
Larry cries and Balki opens the front door. Larry takes a run at the door as Balki lets out a scream when his head is about to
hit the
doorway. Larry stops and turns sideways, carrying Balki through the door.
At Balki’s history class final exam, the
teacher writes "Left: 20 minutes" on the blackboard, underlining the
20, then walks back to 
sit on the front of his desk. One of the students
approaches with his test paper and hands it to the teacher, saying, "Mr.
Jones, I finish with the test. I think you’ll enjoy it." Mr. Jones looks
at the paper and notes, "Well, Mr. Fong, you didn’t answer the extra
credit question. It’s worth 5 points." "Oh, I don’t need it!"
Mr. Fong assures him, handing in his pencil. "Don’t know it, huh?"
Mr. Jones asks. "Uh, that too," Mr. Fong admits. He walks to the door
of the class just as Larry rushes in and bumps into him, turning him around and
pushing him into Balki so that both Mr. Fong and Balki end up in the hallway as
Larry closes the door. Larry stands with all eyes on him. Realizing Balki is not
with him, Larry runs back out the door and grabs Balki in the hallway, hurling
him into the classroom where Balki rushes to the front and collides with Mr.
Jones, knocking the man backwards across his desk with Balki sprawled on top of
him.
Mr. Jones and Balki get back up as Larry
approaches. "Mr. Jones, I can explain why I’m late," Balki begins,
"You see, I stayed up all night studying and then I fall asleep and then I
didn’t wake up until this morning when Cousin Larry knocked me off the couch
and then . . . I didn’t really wake up until he was carrying me down the
stairs, knocking my head against the banister with each step. Just between you
and me it’s a lucky thing I don’t have a percussion." "Can he
still take the test?" Larry asks. "Well, sure, but I’m afraid he
only has twenty minutes to complete it," Mr. Jones says as he hands Balki
the test papers and a pencil. Balki eyes them worriedly, saying, "Twenty
minutes? It would take me twenty minutes just to read this!"
"Don’t read it!" Larry urges,
"Go on instinct!" Larry pushes Balki into a seat and stands over him.
"Balki!" he says, pulling Balki’s hair so that Balki’s looking at
him, "Listen to me . . . you can do it!" Balki looks down to start but
Larry pulls his head up again to say, "You know the answers!" Balki
looks down and Larry pulls his head 
up once again, coaching, "But you’re
going to have to work fast . . . very fast!" They both look at the paper
when the teacher coughs to get their attention. "He also has to work
alone," Mr. Jones points out. "I’m out of here," Larry
promises, turning to leave the classroom and colliding with a chair on the way
out, and somehow his foot winds up inside a trash can as he clumps his way out
the door, trying to look dignified.
Later when the test is done Mr. Jones is
grading Balki’s paper as Balki is standing and looking over the teacher’s
shoulder. "Oh good," Balki exclaims, "the seventh President was
Andrew Jackson! I couldn't think whether it was Andrew or Jermaine."
"Uh, Balki, I have to turn these papers in by noon," Mr. Jones
explains. "Oh, okay . . . I’m sorry," Balki apologizes and backs
away for a moment, then leans in again. Mr. Jones ignores this as he continues
grading the paper. Larry is looking through the glass window of the door
anxiously awaiting the results as well. 
"Well, Balki,
congratulations!" Mr. Jones offers, "You got 100!" "Yes!
Yes!!" Larry cries through the door, trying to open it. "Cousin, I did
it!" Balki cries happily, then notices Larry motioning to unlock the door,
which he runs over and does. Larry rushes into the room and they hug.
"Cousin! Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy!" They perform the
Dance of Joy as Mr. Jones watches. "Well, you should be happy, Balki,"
Mr. Jones comments, "finishing second in the class is quite an
accomplishment." "Second?" Balki asks. "What do you mean
second?" Larry asks, approaching the desk, "We got a hundred! We’re
number one! We’re number one!" "Uh, I don’t know what you
are," Mr. Jones continues, "but Balki finished second in the class.
You see, Henry Fong also got hundred on the test and his overall average is one
point higher than Balki’s." "Oh . . . oh Cousin, I’m sorry,"
Balki offers, "I did the best I could. I only got a hundred."
"Well, a hundred is nothing to be ashamed of," Larry assures him,
although he is still obviously disappointed.
They turn to leave when Mr. Jones
says, "Oh, wait a second. You didn’t answer the extra credit
question." "I didn’t see an extra credit question," Balki says.
"Well, I gave Henry a chance, so I’ll give you a chance to answer
it," Mr. Jones says, "I must warn you it’s uh . . . kind of a trick
question." "Naturally!" Larry smirks. "But, if you get it
right you will be number one in the class!" Mr. Jones explains, "Okay
now . . . who . . . was the publisher of our history book?" Larry turns to Balki, wide-eyed, crying,
"Balki, you know this!" "Oh, Cousin!" Balki says, "Oh .
. . wait a minute, wait a minute . . . oh, I see it . . . I see it . . . it’s
. . . it’s right on the tip of my brain! It’s . . . coming closer, it’s .
. . I see it, I see it! It’s . . . it’s . . . gone." "Well, don’t
feel bad," Mr. Jones offers, "nobody’s ever gotten one of my extra
credit questions." Balki’s face drops as he sees the disappointment on
Larry’s face. "I’m sorry, Cousin," Balki offers as they start to
leave, "I let you down. I should have remembered it’s the Warren Weber
Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin." Balki and Larry stop at the door in
shock. Balki look back at Mr. Jones, announcing, "The Warren Weber Company
of Milwaukee, Wisconsin!" "He said it, he said it!" Larry cries,
rushing back to the desk, "You heard him! In your face, Becky Jo
Quinn!" Mr. Jones stands up and offers his hand, saying, "Well,
congratulations, Balki! This means that you graduate with the highest average in
the class!" Balki shakes hands with his teacher and smiles, "Oh thank
you, Mr. Jones! Oh, I’m going to be so proud when I get up in front of
everybody to make my speech! Come on, Cousin, I want to go buy an underarm
deodorant that won’t fail me."
Balki and Larry start to leave when Mr.
Jones asks, "Hold on a minute . . . what speech are you talking about,
Balki?" Larry and Balki return to the desk as Balki answers, "Oh, the
speech that I make at the graduation ceremony." "There is no
graduation ceremony," Mr. Jones explains. "There isn’t?" Balki
asks with surprise, "Then . . . oh, I make my speech at the prom before all
the promming starts?" "Uh . . . there’s no prom, either," Mr.
Jones explains. "I suppose you’re going to tell me there’s no class
picture!" Larry says incredulously. Mr. Jones shrugs. "No graduation?
No 
prom? No class picture?" Larry asks, "What is this . . .
Russia?" "It’s night school," Mr. Jones explains, "You’ll
get your diploma in the mail." "You mean I don’t get to make a
speech?" Balki asks. "It’s a school policy," Mr. Jones says.
"Well, the policy stinks!" Larry complains. "Oh no, Cousin,"
Balki assures him, "It’s all right." Balki turns to the teacher and
offers his hand, saying, "Mr. Jones, I really enjoyed having you as a
teacher. Thank you very much." "Goodbye, Balki, good luck," Mr.
Jones offers. "Bye bye," Balki says and he and Larry turn to leave.
"I’m sorry, Balki," Larry
offers, "I had no idea . . . everybody gets a graduation!" "No,
Cousin, it’s all right," Balki says, then adds as he fights back tears,
"It’s really all right . . . um, but if you don’t mind I’m going to
walk home . . . I just . . . I want to be alone for just a minute." Balki
walks away sadly.
Larry stands forlornly, then eyes Mr. Jones.
"It’s not
fair!" Larry announces, walking to the desk as Mr. Jones packs his
briefcase, "He deserves a graduation! They all do! Night school students
work harder than anyone to get their diplomas. They didn’t do it the easy way
like you and I did . . . living at home, going to school during the day, having
all night to do homework. No, no! They have to go to classes in the evening
because they have jobs during the day. They study whenever they can fine the
time . . . on the bus on the way to work, on the weekends. And what do they get
from you? You’ll get your diploma in the mail . . . can you spare the
postage?" "Uh, listen, uh . . . " Mr.
Jones tries to interrupt but Larry continues. "No, no, no! Hear me out!
These people earn their diplomas. If anyone deserves a graduation, they
do! My summer camp had a graduation! Even dog obedience school has a graduation
and all they have to do is learn to go on the paper! 
If you have any decency . .
. any compassion . . . any sense of justice . . . you will see that these people
get their own graduation ceremony!" Mr. Jones takes this in, then replies,
"That was very moving . . . but I don’t work here any more. After I turn
these papers in I’m finished for the semester." Larry loses his stolid
demeanor and starts to whimper, "Aw, c’mon! Can’t you do
something?" "Well, I guess we could go talk to the Principal,"
Mr. Jones sighs. "Thank you! Thank you!" Larry gushes.
"And try
not to grovel," Mr. Jones suggests, "She’ll eat ya alive."
The second act begins at the apartment
where we see Larry attempting to dunk a cookie into a cup of milk and eat it.
As
is always the case, the soggy end of the cookie drops off into the milk and
Larry is left frustrated, throwing down the rest of the cookie angrily. Balki
enters the apartment, saying, "Cousin . . . . " Larry jumps up and
runs to meet him, saying, "Balki, 
I have to talk to you . . . !"
"I have to talk to you, too," Balki says. "Me first," Larry
insists, "I spoke to Mr. Jones and he . . . . " "Cousin, cousin,
please, please!" Balki interrupts, "Look, I’ve been walking around
the windy city for two hours feeling sorry for myself and then just before my
lips were chapped beyond recognition I say to myself ‘Balki, what the matter
with you is?' Not only did I graduate from high school but thanks to you I
graduate number one in my class!" "Well, wait ‘til you hear what
I have . . . . " Larry tries to interrupt. "And Cousin, isn’t that
enough?" Balki continues, "I mean, let’s be real! I didn’t know
about any graduation ceremony or giving a speech or going to a prom until you
told me! So why . . . why should I feel like my heart has been torn out by the
roots? I am a high school graduate! I can cope!"
"You mean you really don’t care
whether you have a graduation ceremony or not?" Larry asks. "Oh,
Cousin, I’m past that!" Balki assures him. "And giving the
valedictory speech means nothing any more?" Larry asks. "Cousin . . .
this is a mature, adult Balki you’re talking to," Balki explains. "So, if I told you that Mr. Jones and I spoke to your principal and your
class is going to have a 
graduation ceremony you would say . . . ?" "COWABUNGA!"
Balki cries happily, reaching down and picking Larry up onto his shoulders and
spinning him around and around, "This is the happiest day of my life!
And
you did it! You did it!" "Balki! Balki!" Larry cries, "Balki!
If you don’t put me down, there’s something else I’m going to do!"
Balki sets Larry down and Larry stands unsteadily for a moment, leaning on Balki
for support. "Cousin, I’m sorry . . . I’m just, I’m so happy!
I get
to have a graduation ceremony! And I get to give a speech! I hope my lips heal
in time! Cousin, I can’t believe this. How can I ever thank you?"
"Just give a great speech," Larry says, "If you need any help you
can always use the one I wrote but never got to use because of that little
tramp, Becky Jo Quinn!" Balki places a hand on Larry’s neck and says
gently, "Cousin . . . you’re going to have to let that go."
The next scene takes place at Balki’s
school a night. One of the classrooms has been arranged with folding chairs
facing a podium with more chairs set up at the front of the room for the
graduating class. Lydia, Jennifer, Mary Anne and Harriette are standing in the
middle of the room, talking. "Graduation!" Lydia sighs, "Boy,
does this bring back memories! You know, I was voted most likely to
succeed." "Well, we all have our little disappointments!"
Harriette comments snidely. "Larry’s such a sweet guy to go to all this
trouble for Balki," Jennifer notes. "I’m so excited!" Lydia
adds, "I have never known anyone who’s graduated first in their
class." Mr. Jones and Larry enter, Mr. Jones carrying the rolled diplomas
and Larry a boom box. "We’ve got to move this along," Mr. Jones
warns, "Traffic school meets here in an hour." "It’s
time!" Larry announces, "Let’s take our seats!"
Everyone sits down in the chairs and Larry
presses the play button on the boom box, starting the song Pomp and
Circumstance. The night school students enter single file in their cap and
gowns, Balki leading the group with his valedictorian honor cords around his
neck. They take their seats at the front of the classroom. "What a
coincidence!" Mary Anne comments to Lydia about the song, "They played
that at my graduation!" Larry turns off the music and Mr. Jones begins.
"I want to thank you all for coming. Before I hand out the diplomas, we’ll
hear from our valedictorian, Mr. Balki Bartokomous." Everyone applauds as
Balki gets up and stands at the podium, removing his cap before
beginning. "Thank you. I’m a little nervous. The last time I spoke to a
group this size they were grazing on a hillside. I . . . I don’t know how to
make a speech but I can tell you what I feel. Right now, I’m so happy that it’s
like skyrockets are going off inside my heart. There goes one now! You know, just a short while ago I
was tending sheep on the hillsides of Mypos and my only possessions were the
bearwood staff that my grandfather give me and my heavy wool blanket to keep out
the cold and, and of course, my Sony walkman. I didn’t even know what a
valedictorian was and now . . . I am one!
"I keep thinking any minute somebody’s
going to walk through the door and say ‘Hey you! What you think you’re
doing? You think you really get to live in this nice place and have a nice job
and have wonderful friends and get an education? Get real, farm boy!’
But . .
. it is real! I live in America! I have a job! I . . . I get to pay
taxes! I even have a Visa card with a two hundred dollar limit! And in just a
minute I’m going to have a high school diploma. That’s really something
special. I think that my fellow graduates and I are going to make you very
proud. We have a big curiosity to learn things and a big feeling of how lucky we
are to live in America and a big wish that we can make America as happy as
America makes us." Balki pauses, putting his hand on his heart, then looks
at it. "That’s all that’s in there. I’m finished now."
Everyone
applauds and stands as Mr. Jones gives Balki his high school diploma.
A while later we see Larry and Balki in
the hallway outside their apartment, Balki carrying his cap, gown and diploma.
"Cousin, I don’t understand," Balki says, "the school is only a
mile from here. We’ve been driving around for an hour!" Larry unlocks the
door and replies, "Balki, it’s tradition. You graduate and you drive to
Evanston. Everybody does it." Larry gives Balki a smile and opens the door.
Balki follows Larry into the apartment to find the living room cleared and full
of nicely dressed friends. A mirror 
ball spins from the roof, casting dots of
light around the darkened room. The "Theme from a Summer Place" is
playing. A banner reading "Congratulations Night School Grads" hangs
on the back wall. Balki stares in shock, as Larry says, "Welcome to your
prom!" Balki hugs Larry tightly, then moves to hug Harriette, who
congratulates him warmly. Balki then hugs Lydia and next Jennifer, who takes the
cap and diploma from him as Mary Anne approaches. "May I have this
dance?" she asks. Balki nods and Mary Anne leads him to the middle of the
room where they begin to slow dance. Larry motions to Jennifer that they join
the couple on the dance floor and they step out to dance as well. Other couples
slowly join them as the camera pans back and out through the window.
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