PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE

EPISODE 46 - The Defiant Guys

First Air Date: March 11, 1988
Filmed On: June 26, 1987
Nielsen Rating: 12.6 HH

TV Guide Description: Larry has a luncheon date with a publisher that could make or break his career, but minutes before the meeting Larry and Balki become handcuffed together.

Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Story by: Michael Maurer
Teleplay by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton

Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Susan French: Mrs. Van Wisser
Milt Jamin: Marcel the Maitre D’
Jim Doughan: Jimmy, the Security Guard
F.J. O’Neil: R.T. Wainwright

Special Guest Star:
Eugene Roche: Mr. Harry Burns

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"I have a stinkin’ feeling . . . "
"Cousin Larry got up this morning with a look on his face that would have curdled your hair."

Don’t be ridiculous: Said three times in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Oh po po!"
"Well, now you’ve done it!"
Larry and Balki’s stereo "Hi!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has "lucky" items which are dear to him
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Larry’s breathy laugh

Interesting facts:
- At the beginning of this episode Balki is seen eating cereal at the kitchen counter.  The cereal box in front of him shows he is eating Sugar Oatsies.  Sugar Oatsies was the other cereal Larry mentioned when he was explaining to Balki what products the UniCorn corporation makes in the episode Taking Stock from earlier this season.  And sure enough, the UniCorn logo is on the box as well!
- The woman who walks up to Balki and sets the mailbag on his desk at the start of the second scene is a regular extra on the series and she can be seen in the background of most of the mailroom scenes throughout the series!  There is also a man who exits the archives and crosses in front of the camera at this same moment who is also a regular extra.  Both of these unnamed background characters even attended Balki and Larry’s Christmas party in season four with their significant others!
- Veteran actress and founder of the Theatre Forty theatrical group in Beverly Hills, Susan French, made a special guest appearance in this episode as the Chronicle’s society editor, Mrs. Van Wisser.  This remarkable woman sadly passed away in 2003.
- Jim Doughan reprises his role as Jimmy the security guard in this episode, making his character a semi-regular.
- The exterior for the restaurant scene was filmed in Chicago.  Chez Paul, formerly located at 660 N. Rush, was a popular eatery in the area but sadly closed in the mid-1990's when owner Bill Contos passed away.  To add authenticity to the shot, one of Chicago’s horse-drawn carriages is seen passing in front.
- This episode marks the last time we would see Eugene Roche playing Mr. Harry Burns, Larry’s boss.  Mr. R.T. Wainwright, played by F.J. O’Neil, was introduced in this episode and would heretofore be Larry’s curmudgeonly boss until the end of the seventh season.
- When Harriette comments that Balki and Larry look like Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier she is referring to the classic 1958 film The Defiant Ones (which explains the title of this episode as well).  In the movie, Curtis and Poitier play two escaped convicts who are chained together and have to learn to get along to avoid being captured.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- Larry’s lucky pen which figured so prominently in the earlier season three episode The Horn Blows at Midnight, is featured again in this episode, only in the previous episode his lucky pen was a red, retractable ball point pen while this time it’s a red fountain pen.  Could Larry have multiple lucky pens?
- Cousin nightime59 on the Forums spotted another blooper for us!  In the opening scene when Balki is explaining to Larry how he loaned Larry's car to Jennifer, he picks up his cereal bowl as if he is going to take it away.  But in the next shot when Larry says he can't believe Balki is doing everything to him, the bowl has mysteriously vanished from Balki's hands into thin air!

Synopsis:
The episode begins in the cousins’ apartment as Larry, dressed for work, walks out of the bathroom and asks, "Balki, do we have any dental floss left?"  Balki, still in his pajamas, is eating cereal at the kitchen counter and answers, "Oh no, Cousin, I tied the last of it around my finger to remind me . . . "  He thinks about it a moment then remembers, " . . . to buy dental floss."  "Oh great!" Larry sighs, "Just when I could really use the confidence a good flossing gives me!"  Larry walks into the kitchen to get some coffee as Balki notices his clothes.  "Hey, Cousin, I didn’t know we were dressing for breakfast."  "I’ve gotta get to the paper early," Larry explains, "I’ve got a lot of work to do and Mr. Burns is taking me to lunch today."  "Mmm, Cousin, that’s wonderful!" Balki comments, "It ain’t every day your boss take you to lunch."  "It isn’t any day," Larry corrects, "He’s never done it!  This could be the most important lunch of my life."

"All right," Larry continues, "I’ve got my lucky tie, my lucky socks, my lucky pen . . . "  He pats his shirt pocket and realizes his pen is not there.  "My lucky pen!  Balki, have you seen my lucky pen?"  "Many times, Cousin," Balki answers, "But I look at it again if you want."  Larry starts to look around then spots it on the coffee table.  "There is it . . . what’s it doing here?"  "Oh po po!" Balki sighs, getting up from the counter and walking over to Larry, "I forgot . . . I use it to write a letter to Mama."  Balki picks up the notepad he had been using and says, "Cousin, did you know that if you shake the fountain pen so that a big glob of ink come on the paper and then you stick the tip of your pen in the glob it will suck the ink right back up inside itself?  I show you!"  Balki reaches for the pen but Larry holds it out of his reach.  Larry walks to the kitchen counter to get a pencil holder full of pens.  "Balki . . . you want to write a letter to your Mama, here are pens.  Use any of them you like.  Do not use my lucky pen!"  "Well, excuse me for being a good son," Balki says.

Larry searches in his pants’ pockets and asks worriedly, "My keys . . . where are my keys?"  "Are you talking about your regular keys or your lucky keys?" Balki asks flippantly.  "Balki, I’ve lost my car keys!" Larry says seriously.  "No you haven’t, I know where they are!" Balki assures him.  "You do?" Larry asks with surprise, "Where?"  "I give them to Jennifer," Balki explains.  "You gave my car keys to Jennifer?" Larry asks incredulously.  "Well, of course I did, don’t be ridiculous!" Balki says, "Your car wouldn’t start without them.  Jennifer had to go to the airport and her car wouldn’t work, so I give her your car."  "You loaned my car to Jennifer?" Larry gasps, "My car??"  "Yes," Balki continues, "She was very grateful.  She give me a hug.  A big one."  "I can’t believe this is happening . . . I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!" Larry moans, walking away in frustration.

"Cousin, correct me if I’m wrong," Balki begins, "but . . . I have a stinkin’ feeling.  Are you angry with me?"  "Yes!  Yes, I am angry!" Larry confirms, setting his coat and briefcase on the back of the couch, "Because of you I can’t floss, I wasted precious time looking for my lucky pen, and now I have to take the bus which leaves in five minutes!"  Larry takes his coffee cup to the kitchen sink as Balki follows him, begging him not to go.  "I’m sorry I almost ruined your day but don’t go . . . we have to talk about it!"  "Balki . . . I need to get to work . . . I don’t want to talk to you!"  Larry rushes to get his briefcase and coat as Balki follows, saying, "But Cousin, I could get dressed, and we could talk about it on the way to work, or we can talk about it when we get to work, or we could talk about it on our coffee break or . . . "  Larry runs out the door, leaving Balki leaning on the inside alone.  " . . . or you could pick a time."

Later that morning Balki is in the mailroom as a woman sets a mailbag on his desk.  As Balki begins to sort through the mail a well-dressed, elderly woman comes down the stairs and shouts, "You, mailboy!"  "Oh hello, Mrs. Van Wisser," Balki smiles, "Having a nice day?"  "As a matter of fact I’m not!" she says haughtily.  "You know something, I’m not either," Balki admits, "Cousin Larry got up this morning with a look on his face that would have curdled your hair."  "Please!  Spare me the details of your petty little life!" Mrs. Van Wisser cries, "There were twenty messages from Mrs. Porterfield on my desk.  Didn’t you mail my RSVP to her daughter’s wedding?"  "Well, of course I did!" Balki assures her.  "Thank goodness!" she sighs, "We wouldn’t want the most important society editor in town to miss it!"  "Well, of course we wouldn’t, don’t be ridiculous!" Balki agrees, then asks, "Who’s that?"  "Me, you cretin!" Mrs. Van Wisser cries.  "Oh po po!  I’m not a Cretin, I’m a Mypiot!" Balki corrects her, "But we’re often mistaken for Cretins because there is a certain similarity in the bone structure and long tapering face and somewhat lugubrious nose . . . "

"Who cares?" Mrs. Van Wisser says, "As long as you mailed the RSVP."  "Well, I did," Balki repeats as she walks away, the adds, "and I also included that little note of yours."  "What little note?" Mrs. Van Wisser asks nervously.  "You know, the one you clipped to the outside of the envelope that says," Balki recites from memory, "‘I wouldn’t miss this marriage for the world . . . it must have cost the old bag a bundle to marry off her daughter . . . remind me to send a sympathy card to the groom.’  Now you find a Cretin who can remember that!"  "You sent that note to Mrs. Porterfield?" Mrs. Van Wisser asks in horror.  "Yes, and you don’t have to thank me now," Balki insists, "It’s just part of my job . . . . "  "That was a note to my secretary," Mrs. Van Wisser explains.  "Oh well, that’s where you made your mistake," Balki says, "When you want to send something to your secretary you use an inter-office envelope and that way you save twenty-two cents!"  "You’re going to pay for this!" Mrs. Van Wisser threatens.  "Well . . . okay but just this once . . . next time you buy your own stamps," Balki insists as Mrs. Van Wisser turns in defeat and walks away.

As Mrs. Van Wisser walks to the parking garage the elevator doors open and several people get out, including Larry who thanks Harriette and goes to his desk.  Balki meets him there, trying again to talk to Larry.  "Cousin, can we talk now?" Balki follows Larry to the file cabinet and then back toward Larry’s desk, finally grabbing Larry and begging him to stand still and talk to him.  "Balki, I am having a bad day," Larry explains impatiently, "I got pushed off the bus at the wrong stop, my lucky pen leaked, and I’m late getting my article up to the city desk."  Larry reaches over to pull the page from his typewriter, only to have it rip in half.  "Cousin, I know you’re nervous about your lunch today but listen, on Mypos we have a saying . . . " and off Larry’s look, " . . . and I’m gonna skip right to the English ‘cause I know you’re in a hurry . . . when you have an argument with a friend you’ve got to stop right now and talk about it otherwise your anger will grow and fester inside of you until you explode like a cat on a hot tin roof!"  Larry ignores Balki and hurries up the stairs with his article.  "So . . . talk when you get back?" Balki asks as Larry disappears through the door, then sadly adds "I’ll be right here."

The elevator door opens behind Balki and Jimmy the security guard steps off with Harriette behind him.  "Well, if they let me pack a gun, crooks would think twice about robbing this joint," Jimmy says.  "If they let you pack a gun, I’d think twice about workin’ in this joint!" Harriette replies.  "Hi, Harriette!  Hi, Jimmy!" Balki offers.  Jimmy takes off his utility belt and hands it to Balki, "Hi, Balki!  Keep an eye on this for me, would ya?  I’m goin’ to lunch."  "Can I . . . can I wear it?" Balki asks excitedly.  "That’s a big 10-4, good buddy!" Jimmy smiles.  "Well, of course it is, don’t be ridiculous," Balki smiles, then asks, "Is that a yes or a no?"  "It’s a yes," Jimmy explains, "But be careful of that nightstick.  You might put someone’s eye out."  Jimmy leaves through the parking garage.

Larry appears at the top of the stairs, running down hurriedly and heading to the archives as Balki calls his name.  Larry only rolls his eyes and continues through the door.  "What’s his problem?" Harriette asks.  "I am," Balki says sadly, "Cousin Larry’s very angry with me."  "Ooh, I know all about that kind of thing," Harriette sighs, "My husband has two moods . . . angry and angrier!"  "But Harriette, he won’t even talk to me," Balki sighs, "He won’t even stand still long enough to talk to me."  "Well, you know what I do when my husband behaves like Larry?" Harriette asks, "I make him get in the car and drive until he decides to talk about it."  "Does it work?"  "Keeps my marriage together . . . and we’ve seen all fifty states!" Harriette answers.  "You know, I would love to take a car ride with Cousin Larry but we don’t have a car and I think that’s part of the reason he’s mad at me."  Someone buzzes for the elevator and Harriette walks back toward it.  "Well, listen, honey . . . if you want things to be right between you two, you’ve just got to make him sit down and talk to you no matter what it takes!"  The buzzer sounds again and Harriette looks upward, yelling, "If you’re in such a big hurry why don’t ya take a window?"  Harriette says she will see Balki later and she goes back to work.

Balki walks back to his worktable, playing with Jimmy’s utility belt and removing the handcuffs, which he removes the key from and studies.  Larry walks out of the archives and crosses behind Balki to go back to his desk.  Balki then gets a look of thought on his face and pockets the handcuff key, walking over to Larry’s desk with the cuffs behind his back.  "Cousin . . . are you sure . . . . "  Larry turns and cuts Balki off, holding up his hand to stop him from continuing, and saying, "Balki, leave me alone!"  Balki throws the one link of the handcuff onto Larry’s wrist and it locks into place.  "Those are handcuffs!" Larry notes as Balki attaches the other cuff to his own wrist, "What are you doing?"  "They don’t come off until you talk to me," Balki explains calmly.  Larry throws his pencil down and stands up angrily, insisting, "Balki, take these cuffs off!"  "Not until you talk to me," Balki repeats.  "Open these cuffs!" Larry yells.  "Not until you’re not angry with me any more!" Balki sighs.  "Balki, if you don’t take these . . . all right!" Larry smiles phonily, "I’m not angry any more!  I’m over it, see . . . I’m smiling, I’m happy, everything’s back to normal.  Now, why don’t you take these cuffs off?"  "Why don’t you give me a little credit?" Balki asks.

"Give me the key!" Larry insists.  "Talk first, key second," Balki insists.  "Where’s the key?" Larry asks, holding Balki by the shirt.  Larry starts searching Balki’s pockets, inadvertently tickling him which prompts Balki to tickle Larry in return until they manage to turn completely around, still attached.  "All right, all right!" Larry cries, "Balki, what do you want from me?"  "Cousin, I want to be friends again!  I want you to tell me what it is a did wrong, where it is I went wrong."  As Balki emphasizes certain words he throws his arms out, dragging Larry’s arm along with his handcuffed one.  Larry does the same thing in reverse, saying, "Look!  You don’t loan a person’s car without asking their permission!"  "But Cousin, on Mypos if somebody want to borrow your ox-cart you lend them your ox-cart," Balki explains.  "Balki, if we were talking about an ox-cart I wouldn’t care, but we’re talking about my car! I love my car!" Larry cries.  "Cousin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!  I never never do it again without asking your permission."  "Well, that’s all I ask," Larry sighs.  "Are we friends again?" Balki asks hopefully.  "Yes, yes, we’re friends," Larry says and Balki swings their arms happily back and forth.  "I’m sorry I got so upset, it’s just that I am so nervous about this lunch," Larry offers.  "Oh, I know, I know," Balki sighs.  "Can we take these off?" Larry asks, holding up his cuffed wrist.

Balki digs into his pocket and gets the key to unlock the cuffs when the elevator door opens and Mr. Burns steps out, saying, "Appleton?"  Larry turns quickly, hiding the handcuffs behind his back, and answers, "Yes, sir?"  "Will you excuse us, Bartokomous?" Mr. Burns asks.  Balki looks concerned and so Larry motions like he is going to walk away but then steps back again, leaving his boss confused.  "Appleton . . . " Mr. Burns insists.  Larry turns to Balki and says, "Excuse us, Balki."  Balki stares at him in shock, as Larry steps to the other side of Mr. Burns and Balki attempts to lean as far away from them as possible.  "I suppose you’re wondering why I’m taking you to lunch," Mr. Burn begins.  "Yes, as a matter of fact I was, sir," Larry admits.  "Well, I didn’t want to tell you before because, quite frankly, you’re a little high strung," Mr. Burns continues.  "You know, I’ve noticed that myself," Balki interrupts, "because there are times when I think this man is just gonna pop . . . I beg your pardon, I couldn’t help overhearing, but I’ll be right over here in case anybody needs me."  Balki again leans as far away as he can.

"The other day," Mr. Burns continues, "Mr. Wainwright asked me which of my reporters showed the most potential.  And in a very weak moment I mentioned your name."  "You told the publisher that?" Larry asks excitedly.  "Yes, he wants to meet you, so he’s joining us for lunch.  Be at the restaurant at one."  Mr. Burns starts to walk away and Larry says, "I’m meeting the publisher?  Mr. Bainwright?  I mean Mr. Wainwright.  I hope I get his name right!"  Larry laughs at his unintentional rhyme, but Mr. Burns is not amused.  "Appleton!" he scolds, "You’re babbling!  Please, don’t do that at lunch!"  Mr. Burns leaves and Larry turns to Balki.  "Balki, did you hear that?  I’m having lunch with the publisher!"  "Well, of course I heard it, I was standing right here," Balki answers.  "Balki, take these off," Larry insists, "Hurry!"  Balki starts to open the cuffs but Larry gets impatient, saying he’ll do it himself.  As they struggle over the key Larry finally grabs it and breaks it off.  "The key broke!" Larry notes.  "Well, now you’ve done it!" Balki scolds.

The second act begins at the Chez Paul restaurant.  The maitre d’ approaches Larry, who is standing next to some curtains at the entrance and introduces himself as Marcel.  "I’m Larry Appleton, I’m with the Burns’ party," Larry explains, shaking the man’s hand.  "I will check on your table," Marcel says, keeping hold of Larry’s hand, "Perhaps you would like to look at a menu?"  Still holding Marcel’s hand, Larry eyes the menu with surprise until another arm reaches out from behind the curtain and takes it from Marcel.  When Marcel lets go of Larry’s hand and walks away Larry takes the menu and Balki rubs Larry’s chin with his extended arm until Larry pulls Balki out from behind the curtains.  "Balki, we’re in luck . . . Mr. Burns and Mr. Wainwright aren’t here yet.  We’ll sit at tables that are next to each other and if we keep our hands out of sight no one will know we’re handcuffed."

Marcel approaches them, eyeing Balki and saying, "Ah!  Mr. Burns?"  "No, this isn’t Mr. Burns," Larry explains.  "This way, sir," Marcel says to Larry, then to Balki, "I’ll be with you in a moment."  Balki and Larry both follow Marcel, who gives them a strange look.  "We’re not together but we’d like to sit near each other," Larry explains.  "We get lonely easily," Balki adds off Marcel’s strange look.  "Of course!" Marcel says with exaggeration and he motions to two tables with a partition between them, "Here are two tables.  Are they close enough?"  "Yes, this is fine," Larry assures him.  As Marcel turns to walk away, Larry jumps over the partition so that he and Balki are sitting at the tables on either side.  Marcel gives them another odd look and then walks away.

Larry pulls on the handcuffs to lean Balki over the partition.  "I think things are going well, don’t you?" Larry asks.  "Well, yes I do," Balki agrees, "Except that I have no feeling in my thumb."  Larry sees Mr. Wainwright and Mr. Burns approaching and pushes Balki’s arm back onto the partition.  As they pass Mr. Burns sees Larry and comments, "Oh, Appleton, you got here early!  Good!  R.T., this is Larry Appleton."  Larry gets up to shake Mr. Wainwright’s hand, pulling Balki roughly into the partition column.  "How do you do?" Mr. Wainwright offers, "Harry’s been telling me a lot about you."  Mr. Wainwright then says, "Harry, could we sit at another table?  I always sit in the no smoking section, it’s healthier."  "Ordinarily I’d agree," Larry says quickly, "uh, but while I was waiting for you I had a chance to study the air currents wafting, wafting through the room and I noticed that the smoke is being blown directly into the no smoking area . . . so that while it may seem that the no smoking section is healthier than the smoking section the truth is . . . . "  "Appleton," Mr. Burns says sternly, "You’re babbling!"  "Yes, sir," Larry says, "Why don’t we sit at another table?"  As Mr. Wainwright moves away Mr. Burns leans to Larry and asks, "First time in a restaurant, Appleton?  Pull yourself together!"

As Mr. Wainwright and Mr. Burns move to an open table nearby, Larry directs Balki to climb over the partition, helping him down clumsily on the other side.  "You know, I think you handled that rather well," Balki comments.  "Thank you," Larry says, then motions to the table where his bosses are sitting and the table next to it.  "All right, I’ll sit there, you sit there, c’mon," Larry specifies.  "Oh!  There’s somebody sitting at that table!" Balki notes.  "Make friends!" Larry urges, walking over to his table and offering, "Uh, sorry about that air current thing, it’s just that I’m so nervous about meeting the paplisher of the publer . . . the peeblisher of the pobler . . . the publisher of the paper."  Larry looks nervous and adjusts his tie, asking "Is it getting warm in here?"  "Appleton . . . for God’s sake sit down!" Mr. Burns pleads.  "Yes, sir," Larry sighs and sits at the table.

As Larry sits, Balki braces himself then sits at the table next to him where someone is sitting with their menu in front of their face.  "Hello!" Balki offers.  The woman lowers the menu to reveal it is the Chicago Chronicle’s society editor.  "Oh, Mrs. Van Wisser!" Balki smiles.  "Young man, are you being paid to destroy me?" she asks.  She then continues in a dead serious note, "If you aren’t out of here in ten seconds, I am calling the police."  Balki picks up a spoon and pretends to study it, then drops it on the ground.  "Excuse me for just one moment," Balki asks and gets down on the ground.  At the other table, Mr. Wainwright asks, "So, Larry, tell me . . . when did you decide to become a newspaper man?"  "Well, an interesting story," Larry begins, "I started out as a photographer . . . . "  At this moment Balki pulls on the handcuffs, yanking Larry right off his chair and onto the floor next to him.

"Cousin, I’ve got to talk to you," Balki starts.  "Balki, not now!" Larry urges.  "Appleton, what are you doing?" Mr. Burns asks.  Larry looks up and answers,"I dropped a contact lens."  Balki pulls Larry down again and says, "Cousin, I’m sitting with Mrs. Van Wisser, and she has made it very clear that she wants to dine alone.  Cousin, I’ve got to get out of here!"  "Balki, you can’t!" Larry orders.  "Yes, I can!" Balki insists as they both get to their feet.  Larry sits down and starts to apologize but Balki makes a beeline for the door, dragging Larry, not to mention the chair he’d been sitting in, along with him.  "What are you doing?" Larry cries when they reach the curtains.  "Cousin, if I don’t get out of here right now Mrs. Van Wisser will call the police!" Balki says.  "Balki, if I don’t go back to that table I’m going to lose my job!" Larry says just as urgently.

"Leaving so soon?" Marcel the maitre d’ asks hopefully.  "No, no," Larry explains, "Uh, I was just looking for a chair for my friend.  Oh!"  Larry indicates the chair still in his hand, "Here’s one!"  Larry turns to Balki and says, "Come on . . . just follow my lead!"  They walk across the restaurant together, Larry carrying the chair in front of him with one hand.  They reach the table and stop, saying, "Hi!" together.  "Hi?" Mr. Burns asks, "Appleton, what in the hell are you doing?"  "Small world!" Larry says, "I thought I saw my cousin, Balki, and well, sure enough I did!"  "Big deal, you work together!" Mr. Burns points out.  "Yes, but he is such an interesting man that if he’s gone for more than a minute your life gets boring," Larry explains, then presents Balki formerly, "Mr. Wainwright, Balki Bartokomous."  Mr. Wainwright stand, offering his hand to shake as he says, "A pleasure."  Balki eyes the outstretched hand, knowing full well he can’t offer his right hand in return.  After a moment, Balki reaches over awkwardly with his left hand and manages to shake hands anyway.  "Balki’s from Mypos," Larry explains, "an ambidextrous island."

"But uh, where are our manners?" Larry continues, "Uh . . . Balki, won’t you join us?"  "Oh, I couldn’t possibly."  "Oh, please!"  "Oh no, absolutely out of the question."  "Oh, you must!"  "It’s simply out of the question!"  "I insist!"  "Well, just this once."  They pull the fourth chair closer to Larry’s and sit down in unison.  "Just where is Mypos, Mr. Bartokomous?" Mr. Wainwright asks.  "Well, it’s in the southeastern Mediterranean," Balki answers, as he and Larry share a plate of food, Larry using only his right hand and Balki his left as Larry cuts some meat and Balki then feeds it to him with the fork.  "That’s funny, I thought I knew all the island in the Mediterranean," Mr. Wainwright muses, "I was a war correspondent there."  "Well," Balki says, eating a bite of meat himself, "Mypos is very small.  During the war it was used for target practice."  "Would you like some food of your own, Bartokomous?" Mr. Burns asks sharply.  "Oh no no no!" Balki says, "This is fine!  So full."  "We enjoy doing things together," Larry explains, taking another bite of meat from Balki’s fork, "Did I mention that we’re cousins?"  Balki dabs at Larry’s mouth with a napkin.  "Were your parents cousins, too?" Mr. Burns asks.  Larry puts a drinking glass of water up to Balki’s chin, missing his mouth altogether as they laugh nervously.

"Is there something wrong with your left hand, young man?" Mr. Wainwright asks, "I notice you don’t use it at all."  "No, no!" Larry insists, "I just, I like to save it for . . . emergencies."  "Emergencies?" Mr. Wainwright asks incredulously.  "Yes," Larry confirms.  "Of course," Mr. Wainwright smiles, giving Mr. Burns a questioning look.  "But enough about me!" Larry tries to save the situation, "Why don’t we just enjoy this delicious lunch?  More bread, Mr. Wainwright?"  As Larry holds out the basket of bread he knocks over Mr. Wainwright’s water glass into the man’s lap, making him jump up.  Larry and Balki jump up as well as Larry apologizes and reaches out to help.  They spot the handcuffs with surprise as Mr. Burns says, "Appleton . . . you’d better have a good explanation for this!"  "Oh!  Oh!  A good explanation!" Larry stammers, "You dood I be . . . you di dee boo . . . you bet I do!  This could happen to anyone!  It happened to me . . . it happened to him . . . happened to the both of us . . . ever happen to you?"  "Cousin!" Balki says, "You’re babbling!"  "Nip feedle stip net!" Larry laughs nervously.

Back at the Chicago Chronicle basement, Balki, Larry, Mr. Burns and Mr. Wainwright enter from the parking garage, laughing.  "So," Mr. Wainwright finishes a story he’s been telling, "what could I do?  I finished the Churchill interview with my finger stuck in his brandy bottle."  They all laugh together. "Well, it’s a great pleasure to meet you boys," Mr. Wainwright offers, shaking hands with Larry and then holding out his left hand to Balki, who shakes it with his free hand.  Heading for the open elevator, Mr. Wainwright turns to Mr. Burns and says, "You were right, Harry.  He’s a little high strung but he’s got potential!"  Mr. Burns leans out of the elevator and says, "Appleton . . . I hope you realize you’re very lucky!"  "Yes, sir, I know, sir!" Larry assures him as the elevator doors close.

"We’re lucky Mr. Wainwright has a sense of humor," Larry sighs.  "Mmm," Balki hums, "we’re lucky we didn’t have to go to the men’s room."  "Good point," Larry nods.  They walk to the filing cabinet in front of Larry’s desk and sit down.  "Cousin, I got to say something," Balki begins, "None of this would have happened if . . . . " "I know exactly what you’re going to say," Larry interrupts.  "None of this would have happened . . . " Balki tries again.  "I know!" Larry insists, "You’re going to say that none of this would have happened if I had talked to you when I was angry.  I was wrong.  And I’m sorry."  "Oh Cousin, that’s very nice," Balki sighs, "That isn’t actually what I was going to say.  What I was going to say is none of this would have happened if I had just been patient and waited for you to find a time to talk to me.  I was just trying to follow my Myposian proverb."

"Well, Balki, nobody enjoys a good Myposian proverb more than I do, but life is a little more complicated in America.  You might have to adjust your proverbs."  "Well, I guess they could use some fine tuning," Balki realizes, "You know, on Mypos when we say we have to talk right now it’s not so much a problem because there’s really nothing else to do."  Harriette, who has just returned in the elevator, steps up to them.  "How was your lunch?" she asks, then she sees the handcuffs.  "What happened?  You two guys look like Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier.  Well, actually, you both look like Tony Curtis!"  "It’s a long story," Larry assures her, "Have you seen Jimmy?  Maybe he’s got another key to these things."  "Well, sure I have!" Harriette answers, "He went to the hospital.  His wife is having a baby!"  "Oh!" Balki and Larry smile happily at the news, then realize what this means and change their tone to a worried, "Oh."

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