Filmed on: June 12, 1987
Nielsen Rating: 16.4 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 44 - Better Shop Around
First Air Date: February 10, 1988
Filmed on: June 12, 1987
Nielsen Rating: 16.4 HH
TV Guide Description: As winners of a shopping spree, conspicuous consumers Balki and Larry race the clock to get as much as they can at the supermarket.
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Bob Keyes
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Guest Cast:
Al Pugliese: Mr. Devanney, Store Manager
Kimmy Robertson: Cashier
Diane Sainte-Marie: Angry Customer
Judy Kain: Sample Lady
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is sitting on
the chair next to the couch when Balki picks him up to "count" him.
Balki then sets Dimitri onto the coffee table where he remains for the rest of
the scene. In the last scene Dimitri can be seen sitting on the kitchen counter
with a small shopping basket in front of him and balloons above.
Balki-isms:
"You can just count me out and down
in Beverly Hills!"
"This morning I must have got up on
the wrong side of my brain!"
Don’t be ridiculous: Said twice in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Watch . . . and learn!"
Larry’s scolding "Eh!" after
he tells Balki not to do something and starts to walk away
"I have no idea!"
"Where do I come up with them?"
"I have . . . a plan!"
"Yes! Yes!"
Mary Anne’s loud "Yay!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry tells Balki to do something in a
figurative sense, like "take this . . . " then immediately tells him
"not" to literally do it before Balki can hardly begin to.
Balki tries to tell Larry something but
Larry keeps interrupting, asking Balki repeatedly if he wants to learn how to do
something (precedes "Watch . . . and learn!")
Larry mentions having to buy antacid in
the store and then drinks some at the end of the episode
Balki runs in the house and jumps on the
couch
Balki laughs at his own joke
The Dance of Joy (only partially done by Balki)
They ask "do you . . . ?" to
which the other one scoffs until finally giving in and admitting they do
Balki gives a saying in Myposian,
commenting that it says it all until Larry says it doesn’t, then Balki gives
the translation
Balki and Larry laugh and then sigh
simultaneously
Interesting facts:
- The title of the episode is taken from the song Shop
Around recorded in 1960 by The Miracles.
- While this was the first episode filmed for the third season (after the
summer break, at least) it was not shown on television until February.
- Kimmy Robertson plays the cashier in
this episode and practically steals the scene with her wonderful voice. Kimmy
would return to play Balki’s replacement for Mary Anne, a girl named Honey, in
the seventh season episode It Had to Be You.
- The role of the grocery store manager
was originally to be played by actor Peter Iacangelo. The character’s first
name was left as Pete and his last name, Devanney, is the same as writer Tom
Devanney who would write several scripts for the series later on.
- Once again Balki and Larry’s neighbor
lady, Mrs. Schlegelmilch, is mentioned.
- All the food used to stock the grocery store set
was donated to the needy.
- There is a very funny in-joke hidden in
the Myposian saying which Balki gives in this episode. As Bronson says the first
part of the saying "Iffi yodi vy zwicki" he pantomimes running his
fingers through long hair (the line meaning "If you let your hair
down.") Director Joel Zwick had long hair which is likely why Bronson used
the word "zwicki" for hair!
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- While the shopping spree is supposed to last for three minutes, in real
time it comes out closer to 2 minutes and 30 seconds. This wasn't a
miscalculation during filming but a choice in editing, as several bits were cut
from the shopping spree for the final show. To read about some of these
bits, read our On the Scene . . . report
for this episode.
- A blooper from this episode in which Mark
accidentally pulls Bronson off the couch too hard can be seen on our YouTube
Channel, along with other bloopers from the series!
Synopsis:
As the episode opens we see the exterior
of Bob’s Market, which has a big Grand Opening sign out front. Inside Balki is
standing next to a table where a woman is handing out samples of cheese dogs.
Balki is piling packages of them into the cart when Larry approaches and asks
what he’s doing. "Well, now Cousin, don’t worry about it . . . they’re
free!" "No . . . no, Balki . . . those are free," Larry
says, motioning to the samples, "These are . . . $3.95?" "Sorry," the woman offers.
Larry takes all the packages of cheese dogs
out of the cart and leads Balki away, telling him, "We are not here to buy
disgusting little cheese dogs. You know, you’re the kind of guy supermarket
owners love." Balki is flattered but Larry explains, "It was not a
compliment. You obviously don’t know the basic rules of shopping."
"Well, Cousin, on Mypos we don’t have rules for shopping," Balki
explains, "Come to think of it, we don’t have rules for games."
"This is America!" Larry insists, "We have rules for everything!
It’s what distinguishes us from the . . . unruly."
"Cousin, will you teach me?"
Balki asks. "Well, I suppose I could give you a few pointers on comparison
shopping," Larry sighs as 
they make their way to another aisle. "Well,
you’re going to have to because I don’t even know where they keep the
comparison," Balki says. "Balki, comparison shopping is when you
compare the prices of one item with another. For instance, take this rice . . . don’t
take the rice! Which package would you choose?" "Well, that one looks
nice," Balki says, pointing to a box on the top shelf. "Very
nice," Larry says, then scolds, "and expensive! Rule one: don’t fall
for the attractive package trick! You have to compare prices, check the weight,
find the best value." "Well, where is the best value?" Balki
asks. "Ah, that’s where this little baby comes in," Larry says,
grabbing a calculator from their cart, "This is the calculator my father
gave me the first time I went shopping alone." Balki reaches for it but
Larry holds it out of his reach, saying, "Some time I’ll teach you how to
use it."
"Now," Larry checks the price on
the box of Uncle Ben’s rice Balki pointed out, "one pound is $1.92,
divided by 16 ounces, that would be . . . . " As Larry punches the numbers
in his calculator Balki says, "12 cents." "12 cents an
ounce," Larry announces 
when the calculator has given him the answer and
then gives Balki a cool look. Larry then goes to the next largest package and
says, "All right, five pounds is $8.80, that would be . . . . " "Eleven cents," Balki says.
"Eleven cents an ounce," Larry
finally announces, again giving Balki a cool look. "Now the next size is .
. . " This time Larry doesn’t say the price out loud but quickly
continues so Balki can’t calculate the answer before him, " . . . that
would be eight cents an ounce, therefore this is the best value." Larry
reaches down to pick up the enormous bag of rice, clumsily dropping it into the
cart in front of them. "Cousin, you know I can’t help noticing that the
best value weighs twenty five pounds," Balki says. "That’s
right," Larry agrees, "by buying the economy size we can save four
cents an ounce." "But cousin, we have only eaten rice three times in
the last year!" Balki points out. "And that means we won’t have to
buy rice again for . . . " Larry works the calculator. "Sixteen
years!" Balki realizes. "Sixteen years," Larry finally says,
again giving Balki a look.
Larry continues, pulling their cart away
as he lectures Balki, although Balki is motioning to the purse in the cart and
trying to alert Larry that he has the wrong one. "Now, if you’ll notice,
I’ve arranged the list according to the four major food groups . . . now that
will give us the chance . . . Balki, look I am trying to explain the rules, do
you mind? Do you want to learn about shopping or not?" Balki says he does
but continues to try to tell Larry about the cart. "Do you? Do you?
Do you
want to learn about shopping or not?" "Yes I do, but . . . . "
"All right, Balki . . . then Balki . . . watch . . . and learn!"
The
woman who had pushed her cart close to them before arrives and announces,
"This is my shopping cart!" She lifts the bag of rice out of it and
says, "Learn how to shop!" before hurling it at Larry. Slowly Balki
pulls their cart over to them. "Why didn’t you tell me I took the wrong
cart?" Larry asks. "Because I was busy watching . . . and
learning," Balki answers.
Later at the checkout line, Balki is
helping Larry to unload the cart as another customer is being helped ahead of
them. The electronic cash register announces the prices of the items as the
checkout clerk runs them over the scanner. "Tuna fish . . . $1.19."
Balki looks around, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from. "Macaroni . . . $1.29."
"Did you say something?" Balki asks
Larry. "No, it was the cash register," Larry explains. Balki walks up
to the checkout girl and says, "Excuse me, my Cousin tell me that this cash
register is talking." "It is," the girl confirms, "It’s
the latest thing in grocery technology. Pretty radical, huh?" "Your
total is $69.25," the register says, "Thank you . . . have a nice
day." "Cousin . . . machines that talk!" Balki gasps, "And
they’re so polite! Cousin, isn’t this fun?" "Yes, tons,"
Larry says unenthusiastically, "I’ve got to get some antacid . . . don’t
touch anything!" Larry starts to walk away as Balki reaches to touch
something and Larry turns to say "Eh!"’
The checkout cashier is washing off the scanner when Balki steps up. "How are you today?" she asks absent-mindedly. "Well, my day started out kind of rough, actually," Balki begins, "Cousin Larry wanted to go shopping but he didn’t want to take me with him so we had kind of a big fight. Then we got here and we’ve had our ups and downs but . . . when you come to think of it we always have our ups and downs, if you know what I’m saying. And then over there he let me push the cart for about five seconds which I liked quite a lot . . . and so . . . I’m happy, you know? I’m happy. How are you today?" "Fine," the cashier answers.
As she runs their first item across the
scanner an alarm bell suddenly sounds. Balki is startled as a bunch of people
run up to them and the cashier throws confetti over him. "I didn’t touch
it! I didn’t touch it!" Balki insists. A large man offers Balki his hand
and says, "Hi, I’m Pete Devanney, the manager." "The
manager?" Balki asks in horror, "I didn’t touch it, please . . .
please don’t call the police!" Larry runs up to Balki, startled, "Balki
. . . what’s going on?" The cashier throws confetti at them again.
"Whatever he did, he’s sorry!" Larry insists, "Balki, tell them
you’re sorry!" "I told them I was sorry but she keep throw papers at
me!" Balki cries. Larry hugs Balki reassuringly.
"Excuse me, you haven’t done
anything wrong," the manager assures them, "As a matter of fact, you’ve
been chosen by our computerized cash register to win our grand opening
prize." "A prize?" Balki asks excitedly, "We won a prize,
Cousin! A prize!" "Fine, good," Larry sighs, "Let’s just
get our oven mitt or whatever we’ve won and get of here." Balki gets a
shocked and serious look on his face, moving closer to the manager. "Have
we won an oven mitt?" he asks. "No, you have won our grand prize
shopping spree," the manager explains. "Balki, did you hear
that?" Larry asks excitedly. "Well, of course I did, don’t be
ridiculous!" Balki assures him. "Do you know what this means?"
Larry asks. "I have no idea!" Balki admits. The cashier throws
confetti at them again as the crowd cheers.
Act two begins with Larry sitting on the
couch in the living room studying a piece of paper. The front door opens and
Balki runs in, shouting "Hi, Cousin!" as he jumps onto the couch.
"Where have you been?" Larry asks angrily, "I have been waiting
for you for two hours!" "Oh, Cousin, I’ve been telling all of our
neighbors about our free shopping spree!" Balki enthuses, "I’m so
excited about all the fun we’re going to have tomorrow that I don’t think I’m
going to be able to sleep a wink tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to do
it. Maybe I’ll just count sheep." He stands up as he grabs Dimitri from
the nearby chair and looks at him counting, "One." Balki laughs at his
own joke, exclaiming "Where do I come up with them?"
"Balki, this is no time to fool
around!" Larry says seriously. "Cousin, you know you’re right?"
Balki says, coming back to sit on the couch, "This is a time to be serious.
Tomorrow is the time to fool around!" Balki jumps back up and starts doing
the Dance of 
Joy. "Balki, get back here!" Larry insists, "This
shopping spree is serious business. Now, I have . . . a plan!" "Cousin, why is it that every time we have a chance to have fun you have to
have a plan?" Balki asks in frustration. "Balki, I don’t think you
understand what kind of opportunity this shopping spree is." "Oh, but
I do. It’s an opportunity for you to have a plan," Balki sighs.
"Well, excuse me for being organized!" Larry says sarcastically, "What did you think we would do tomorrow?" "Well, you know what I thought," Balki begins, "I thought we would run around the supermarket and every time we see something we like we throw in the cart it!" "Oh, oh! Just run around the supermarket and throw in the cart things? Balki, do you know what we would wind up with? Eight hundred pounds of Ding Dongs!" "Oh Cousin!" Balki scoffs, "That is not fair . . . and that is not true . . . and that is not right. Because I would also like to pick up some of those cheese franks, some of those potato chips that taste like tacos . . . . " "All right," Larry tries to interrupt. " . . . and some after dinner mints, ‘cause as you know we’re all out!" "All right, all right," Larry nods, "Good. That is one way to go. Let us call that Plan Z." Balki smiles at this. "Now, let us listen to my plan which we will call Plan A." Balki’s face drops in realization.
Larry grabs Balki’s wrist and drags him
over to the kitchen counter where he sets up a chalkboard with a diagram of the
supermarket. "I have made a diagram of the supermarket and labeled all the
sections where we have to go," Larry explains. Balki points to a place on
the board and asks "What is gour-met section?" "The gourmet
section is where they keep the expensive foods like caviar and escargot,"
Larry answers. "Oh!" Balki says knowingly, then asks, "What are
they?" "Caviar and escargot?" Larry asks, "Fish eggs and
snails." Balki makes a disgusted face. "They are considered
delicacies," Larry continues. "Well, on Mypos they’re considered
fertilizer," Balki moans, "I don’t want to eat that stuff, you can
just count me out and down in Beverly Hills!" Balki goes back to the couch
to sit as Larry follows.
"Balki, you don’t understand . . .
we are not going to eat the food!" Larry explains. Balki’s eyes open wide
as he exclaims, "Well, silly me! Why would I think we would eat the food?
This morning I must have got up on the wrong side of my brain!" "If I
could just finish?" Larry asks, "I stopped by Chez Robert and I talked
to the chef. He’ll buy everything we get. We’ll sell him the food, take the
money and buy this!" Larry opens a magazine and shows Balki a page.
Balki’s
eyes open wide as he gasps, "A living bra!" Larry quickly checks the
page, turns to another page and shows Balki again, "No, no . . . this!
An
air conditioner!" "Oh Cousin, we don’t need an air
conditioner!" Balki says.
"Balki, have you forgotten last
summer?" Larry asks. "Well, of course I haven’t, don’t be
ridiculous!" Balki says, "It was my first summer in America! I was
drinking in the sights and sounds of a new country! I was learning the
difference between Beta and 
VHS." "The weather," Larry says
impatiently, "The heat . . . do you remember the heat?" "Well, it
wasn’t the heat so much, it was really the humidity," Balki muses. Larry
is about to lose it altogether. "Balki, Balki . . . the point that I am so
desperately trying to make here is that we . . . . " Larry stares ahead,
having completely lost his train of thought. "The air conditioner?"
Balki offers. "Yes! Yes! Yes, the air conditioner, Balki . . . look, look .
. . this air conditioner could cool off the whole apartment for the summer . . .
and especially your room! Hmm? Balki . . . " "My room?" Balki
asks with intrigue. "Yes, think about it!" Larry urges. "Well,
maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give your plan a little listen," Balki agrees.
Larry grabs Balki’s wrist again and
leads him back to the board. "Now, we will have one cart and three minutes
to get as much as we can," Larry begins in coach mode, "That means
we’ll have to maximize our value per cubic foot of cart space. Now, the rules
say we cannot use any baggage but it says nothing about pockets, so in the event
we run out of cart space we will be wearing special outfits with lots of
pockets." "Well, I had a whole outfit picked out," Balki begins.
"Well, I tell you what," Larry cuts him off, "why don’t you
just wear that outfit a some other shopping spree, okay? All right, now, we will
hit the meat department and go straight to the expensive cuts. No ground beef, I
repeat, no hamburger! Then we’ll swing by the produce section. The failure of
the casaba crops has pushed the price of those melons right through the roof.
Then, it’s over to the gourmet section . . . you get the escargot, I’ll get
the caviar. If the price of the whitefish is still up we’ll clean them out.
Any questions so far?" Balki raises his hand. "Balki?"
"Does
Sylvester Stallone do his own stunts?" Balki asks. "Uh, what I meant
was are there any questions about the shopping spree?" Larry clarifies.
"Oh!" Balki realizes, "No, no, not a one." "Good,"
Larry states, "All right, let’s go back and analyze each section."
He continues to map out their plan.
At the grocery store the next day, we see
Balki and Larry are wearing large overalls. Mary Anne and Jennifer are there to
cheer them on. "Cute outfits," Mary Anne notes. "Well, thank
you," Balki smiles, "They’re part of Cousin Larry’s plan. You
know, we can carry twice our body weight." Larry walks up and says,
"We’re about to start." "Mary Anne, do you need anything
besides the shampoo?" Balki asks her. "Oh, no thanks, I think I’m
fine on conditioner," she answers. "Uh, Larry? Do you think you’ll
have enough time to get my nail polish?" Jennifer asks. "Nail
polish?" Larry asks with surprise. "Cousin, I told the girls we’d
get them a few things," Balki explains. Larry looks from Balki to Jennifer
with a forced smile, saying, "Super! Uh, Balki . . . could I speak to you
for just a moment?" Larry takes Balki aside, saying to the girls,
"Excuse us!"
Larry pushes Balki away, asking angrily,
"What are you doing?" "Well, I thought it would be nice to get
some things for our neighbors," Balki explains. "We can’t do
that!" Larry cries. "But Mrs. Schlegelmilch needs some salami!"
Balki notes. "Balki, we only have three minutes to get everything on our
list," Larry reminds him. "But, Cousin, I promised!" "Well,
you shouldn’t have!" Larry scolds, "Balki, this is going to throw
the plan way off." "Well, then we just change the plan," Balki
suggests. "Change the plan?" Larry cries, "We can’t change the
plan right before we start! Why do you think they call it a plan?"
The manager of the store comes out,
announcing, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? The
contest is about to begin! Gather ‘round, gather ‘round." Everyone
gathers at the front of the store as the manager picks up the microphone for a
loudspeaker system. "Welcome to our grand opening celebration. I’d like
to introduce you to our shopping spree winners . . . " He checks a paper in
his pocket and pronounces Balki with a little difficulty, " . . . Mr. Balki
Bartokomous . . . " Everyone applauds and Mary Anne lets out a loud "Yay!"
" . . . and Mr. Larry Appleton." Again applause and 
again Mary Anne
yells, "Yay!" "Now remember, boys," the manager continues as
he sets a clock timer on the wall behind him, "You will have exactly three
minutes to cross this finish line before the buzzer sounds or you lose
everything. Shoppers, take your marks."
Balki and Larry stand at the ready with their cart at the line, ready to begin. "Cousin, you know, I don’t understand why we don’t have time to be nice to our neighbors," Balki wonders. "I tell you what . . . we’ll throw them a dinner party. Stick to the plan!" Larry insists. "Ready?" the manager calls, "Set! Shop!" Balki and Larry run forward with Balki pushing the cart. Immediately he veers off in the wrong direction, leaving Larry wondering where he went. Larry chases around the aisle after him and finally catches up, asking, "Where are you going?" "Well, I thought I would get Mary Anne’s shampoo!" Balki explains, reaching for it. But Larry grabs his shirt and pulls him away. "You can get it later! Stick to the plan!" Larry points Balki in the right direction and they hurry to the meat section.
"Roasts!" Larry shouts. "Three!" Balki calls.
Larry tosses three roasts behind him with Balki
counting them off as he catches
them and puts them into the cart. "Ham!" Larry yells.
"Four!" Balki calls and Larry
tosses them over as Balki catches and counts them. "Turkey!" Larry
cries. "Three!" Balki calls, then gasps, "Oh God!" as Larry
tosses the huge turkeys his way and Balki catches them and puts them in the
cart. "Pheasants!" Larry calls. "Nine!" Balki answers, but
just as Larry starts tossing them back Balki cries out, "Salami!" and
runs to get some. It takes Larry a moment to realize Balki is not catching the
pheasants he’s throwing, instead he’s stuffing salami into his pants and
going on about how Mrs. Schlegelmilch wanted him to pick it up for her so she
could make antipasto for her son. Larry grabs Balki and waves a salami at him,
shouting, "Balki, forget the salami! We’ve got to get to the
casabas!"
"Two minutes!" the manager
announces. Larry tries to veer the cart to the produce section but Balki grabs
the front of it, asking about Mary Anne’s shampoo as he drags Larry around the
aisles with the cart. Larry finally gets to his feet and pushes the cart,
knocking Balki off his feet and onto it as they reach the shampoo section.
Balki
pushes the cart back to the shampoo and starts getting it. "Squeeze bottle
or tube?" Balki calls to Mary Anne. Fed up, Larry knocks all of the shampoo
bottles into the cart so they can continue. "Shampoo!" he cries,
"Now let’s get to the gourmet section!" As they run over Balki cries
that he sees the diapers for Mrs. Falvey and leads them back around. Larry
pushes the cart as Balki jumps in and rides by the diapers, grabbing a couple of
packages as they pass.
They finally reach the gourmet section
where Larry cries, "Balki! Whitefish! $19.95 a pound!"
Larry starts
throwing the large fish 
over his shoulder where Balki catches them and puts them
into the cart. "Looks like spawning season!" Balki notes. When Balki
realizes the cart is getting full he starts shoving the fish into his overalls
instead. "Thirty seconds!" the manager announces. "We have thirty
seconds to get the caviar!" Larry cries, pulling the cart to the end of the
aisle to get it. "But Cousin, if we don’t go right now, we lose
everything!" Balki insists, pulling the cart away just as Larry knocks all
the caviar off the shelf where the cart was two seconds before. "I’m not
leaving without the caviar!" Larry insists. Larry gets down on the floor to
start gathering it when the manager calls out "Ten seconds!" The crowd
cries for them to get back and Balki starts pulling the heavy cart backwards.
Larry hooks his legs around the front of the cart as he holds on to the caviar
in his arms and Balki manages to pull the cart and Larry back over the line
before the time runs out.
That night the cousins return to their
apartment, Larry holding a wad of cash. "Balki, we did it! $635!"
Larry announces. 
"Cousin, that’s enough to buy the air conditioner and
the Living Bra!" Balki comments as they sit at the kitchen counter,
"And we had fun, too!" "You had fun?" Larry asks as he opens
a bottle of antacid. "Well, always Cousin . . . always!" Balki
says, "That’s why they call me the Jerry Lewis of Mypos." Larry
takes a swig of antacid and then asks, "Why is it always work for me and
fun for you?" "Well, I don’t know, Cousin," Balki sighs,
"Maybe because you spend so much time making plans and you don’t leave
enough time to have fun." "Now that’s not true!" Larry
protests. After going back and forth on this a moment Balki says, "All
right, what are you going to do now? You’re going to make a plan to buy an air
conditioner." "Well, that only makes sense! You’ve got to comparison
shop, you’ve got to find the best deal." "Yes, but Cousin, you’re
not going to have any fun," Balki points out. "I’ll have an air
conditioner!" Larry notes. "Yes, but you’re not going to have any
fun." "I’ll have an air conditioner."
"All right, Cousin, do you want to
have fun?" Balki asks and Larry scoffs as Balki repeats the question and
Larry keeps scoffing until he finally breaks down and admits, "Yes, I
do." "All right, now listen," Balki continues, "On Mypos we
have a saying . . . ‘Iffi yodi vy zwicki, oh po sticki picki ticki.’ Need I
say more?" "A little more might be helpful, yes," Larry notes.
"It says, ‘If you let your hair down, you might be surprised what you
find in it.’" "You know, Balki, in your own odd way you’re
right," Larry admits, "And you are going to teach me how to loosen
up." "I am?" Balki asks, "How I do that?" "I am
going to give you this money," Larry says, putting the money in Balki’s
hand, "I want you to spend every last penny of it. I don’t care how you
do it ‘cause I know whatever you do it’ll be fun, a little bit crazy, and
totally spontaneous."
"Well, Cousin, I . . . six hundred
and thirty five smackaroos!" Balki smiles. "You know, I feel
terrific!" Larry glows, "I feel as if this 
great weight has been
lifted from my shoulders!" "Well, you know, I do, too!" Balki
grins. They laugh and then sigh together. "Well . . . " Balki says,
turning to get up. "So, uh, Balki . . . well, what’re ya gonna do with
all that money?" Larry asks. "Wait a minute, do you mean do I have a
plan?" Balki asks. "No, no, no . . . no, that’s not what I
mean," Larry assures him, "Just that if I’m gonna learn how to be
less rigid I want to know how you’re gonna do it, in a very loosely
structured, you know, free kind of way." "Well, I’ll tell you,"
Balki begins, walking back to the counter in a loose fashion and sitting down,
"Mary Anne is going to have a birthday soon and I thought what I would do
is rent one of those aeroplanes that spit smoke out of the back end and write in
the sky. And I would have it say ‘Happy Birthday, Mary Anne, from Guess Who.’
Now doesn’t that sound like fun?" Larry starts to laugh as Balki continues to
ask if it doesn’t sound like fun. "Balki? Give me the money!" Larry
insists and as they struggle over the money the scene fades.
Script Variations:
Here are the differences
between the First Draft dated June 8,
1987 and the episode which aired:
- The
store's grand opening is described as in the show, except there is supposed to
be a sign which reads "Meet Anson Williams - 10:00 SAT."
- In
the beginning Balki approaches Larry with milk, eggs, bread and a package of
Ding Dongs which he's hiding (Balki also has a balloon tied to his wrist).
Balki says, "I got the bread, eggs and milk," as he puts the items
into the cart. Larry says, "Good," then looks into the cart and
says, "Balki, don't put the milk on top of the bread. It'll get
crushed." Finding the Ding Dongs, Larry asks, "What are
these?" Balki acts innocent and says, "Well, I don't know.
But as long as they're in there, why don't we keep them?" Larry puts
the Ding Dongs back on the shelf and says, "This is exactly why I don't
take you shopping. We're just here to get what's on our list and nothing
else." Balki asks, "Can I keep the balloon?"
"Yes, you can keep the balloon," Larry tells him, "You can keep
anything that's free." "Can I push the cart?" Balki
asks. "Fine," Larry sighs, "I just want to get out of
here." As Larry starts down the aisle Balki grabs the Ding Dongs off
the shelf and hides them in the cart. He bumps into the store manager, who
is constructing a pyramid of canned goods. As the manager warns him to be
careful, Balki backs into the woman handing out the cheese frank samples.
- The
sample lady asks Balki if he wants a cheese frank. Balki asks, "How
much are they?" "They're free," she says. "Oh,
then I'm allowed to have one," Balki says. He eats one of the cheese
franks when Larry returns. "Cousin, Cousin. Look at this.
It's a hot dog frank with cheese in the middle. What a wonderful
invention." Larry is unimpressed, saying, "Who would have
thought they could improve on the old hot dog?" (Note: when this
scene was filmed it was slightly different, in that the sample lady explained
that they were hot dogs with cheese in the middle, to which Balki comments,
"Oh! I bet they'd be good to step on!" and then starts loading
them into the cart.) Balki then starts taking all the packages of cheese
franks. "Don't worry, Cousin. They're free," Balki assures
Larry. "They're not free," Larry says, "The bait is
free. Now they're reeling you in. Get it?" "Oh po-po,"
Balki sighs as they nod to each other, then Balki says, "Cousin, why are we
talking about fish?" "Balki, don't you know why the supermarket
is giving you free food?" Larry asks. "So I'll eat it?"
Balki asks. "It's a gimmick," Larry explains, "They want
you to buy something you weren't planning on buying in the first
place." "Well, it worked," Balki confesses.
- After
Larry agrees to teach Balki about comparison shopping Balki hugs him.
"Balki, please don't hug me in the produce section," Larry says with
embarrassment. He then starts the lesson with "Okay. Now the
first rule to remember when you're in a super market is: It's you against
them." "Like a game?" Balki asks. "Like a
war," Larry corrects, "The minute you walk through those doors,
they'll do anything to get your money." Balki looks around
suspiciously then checks his back pocket. "You're right! My
wallet is gone!" Balki cries. "Balki, you don't have a
wallet," Larry reminds him. "Oh, that's a relief," Balki
sighs, "I'm glad you're here."
- After
they go through the segment of calculating the price of rice on Larry's
calculator, Balki says, "Cousin, you are a genius. No, I mean
it. It's like shopping with David Horowitz." Larry isn't sure
whether to take this as a compliment or not.
- Instead
of the woman angrily confronting Larry about his taking her cart, she simply
realizes her cart is missing and tells the manager her purse has been
stolen. When Balki points out the purse to Larry, Larry says, "How
did this get here? Why didn't you say something?" "I
thought it might be part of my lesson," Balki answers. Larry takes
the cart back to the woman and advises her to be a little more careful.
Larry then suggests Balki push the cart, that he can't do everything.
- The
last item Balki and Larry pick up is sugar, with Balki picking it out. He
tries several times until he's chosen the huge economy size bag. As they
head for the checkout line a woman cuts them off with her cart, banging Larry's
cart. "Boy, you put people behind a shopping cart and they turn into
animals," Larry sighs.
- After
listening to the talking register, the cashier says, "It's quite
amazing." Balki adds, "It's also quite . . . " then tries
to think of a word. "Annoying?" Larry asks. "That's
it," Balki agrees, "Yes, annoying." Larry then finds the
Ding Dongs in their cart. "Oh, look. Ding Dongs in our
cart," he says. "Oh. Cousin, you shouldn't have,"
Balki says, "Were you going to surprise me when we got home?"
Larry gives up and says Balki can keep them.
- The
joke about Balki counting sheep is not in this early version of the script.
- Larry
says he's gone back to the supermarket and made a list of the items they need
and maps of where they're located, plus he's taken some polaroids for them to
study.
- After
Larry explains his plan of selling the food to the restaurant, Balki says,
"You want to sell fertilizer to a man who owns a restaurant?"
- When
describing Larry mapping out their game plan, the script describes him as
"John Madden, without the spit." Larry's speech goes,
"We'll hit 'em with a two point offense. You'll be on the cart, I'll
be lead man. You'll go long to the freezer section then cut right.
I'll go left to the paper aisle, sweep past the nut section and join up with you
at the steaks and rib roasts. I'll lateral those to you and we're off to
the gourmet section. Any questions so far? Balki?" Balki
asks, "Why are there dog catchers but there aren't any cat catchers?"
- When
Mary Anne comments on Balki's overalls he says, "They were Cousin Larry's
idea. There's room for a family of five in these pants."
- When
Balki is telling Larry that he promised to get a few things for their neighbors
he says, "So I asked them what they wants. Mrs. Schlegelmilch said
she needs knockwurst, Mrs. Falvey said she could always use some diapers and Dr.
Zachorowitz told me to go away or he'd call the police. I guess he doesn't
need anything."
- During
the shopping spree, Balki picks up more items, such as Pineapple juice for Mrs.
Hunt and stewed tomatoes for Mr. Lally. Larry urges him to hurry. As
Larry tosses steaks to Balki, Balki comments off one package that the meat looks
a little fatty. They then stock their pants with smaller meat items.
- When
Balki finally gets Mary Anne's shampoo, he realizes he forgot to ask her what
brand she wants. He holds one up and asks if it's okay and she says,
"Balki, that's for oily hair. I have regular hair." Balki
holds up another bottle and asks, "This one?" "Do they have
the bigger size?" Mary Anne asks. Then Balki asks if she wants a
squeeze bottle or tube.
- When
they reach the gourmet section Balki keeps asking Larry if he got the nail
polish for Jennifer and that she'll be disappointed if he doesn't get it.
Larry promises he'll get it once they're done. He hands Balki some salmon
and Larry realizes they don't have enough to buy the air conditioner yet and
starts taking Balki's things out of the cart.
- Instead
of dragging caviar over the finish line with him, Larry drags a candy rack with
him.
- At
the end of the episode Larry is depressed. There are groceries all over
the kitchen. Balki comes in and says, "Everyone was very happy to get
their presents." Larry groans. "They told me to thank
'that nice Cousin Larry of mine,'" Balki adds. "Those people
shouldn't thank me for anything," Larry says, "Because of me they
didn't get half the things they wanted." "But it's because of
you they did get half the things they wanted," Balki points
out. "I threw Mrs. Falvey's diapers out of the cart," Larry
sighs. "Well, actually they were for her baby," Balki
explains. "Balki, I'm trying to make a point here," Larry
sighs. "And what is that point?" Balki asks. "I'm a
greedy person," Larry starts, "It's a curse. With nine kids in
the family you learned to take what you could get before it was gone. I
never stopped taking." "You're not greedy, Cousin," Balki
counters, "A greedy person is greedy just for himself. You didn't
want the air conditioner for just yourself." "I didn't?"
Larry asks with surprise. "No. You were thinking about me,
too," Balki points out. "Yeah. I guess I was. In a
way," Larry considers. "And without your plan I never would have
gotten Mrs. Schlegelmilch's knockwurst." "I didn't think about
that," Larry admits. "Or Mr. Lally's stewed tomatoes,"
Balki adds. "Those, too," Larry agrees. "And because
of you, Mary Anne's got a lifetime supply of shampoo," Balki says.
"I didn't gt Jennifer's nail polish," Larry sighs. "Yes,
you did, Cousin. Before I dropped off Mary Anne's shampoo I stopped at the
drug store and bought Jennifer some nail polish. She says thank
you." "Thanks, Balki," Larry offers, "I've been
thinking about that air conditioner." "I think we have enough to
buy it," Balki deduces. "Actually what I was thinking was it
wasn't all that hot last summer," Larry explains, "And this new
apartment had good cross-ventilation. Maybe the mission could use the
money better than we could." "Cousin, you're a saint,"
Balki offers. "Remind me of that next summer," Larry requests.
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