Nielsen Rating: 15.0 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 22 - Tux for Two
First Air Date: February 4, 1987
Nielsen Rating: 15.0 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Joel Saltzman
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Ernie Sabella: Mr. Donald Twinkacetti
Guest Cast:
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Roger Morgan: James Greene
Margaret Milgram: Carol Bruce
Waiter: Frank Birney
Dennis: Hank Stratton
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen
in the apartment sitting on the end table wearing a bullet hat and a suit.
Balki-isms:
"We can play pin the tail on the mule
and we can bob for potatoes . . . "
"Why the stormy weather?"
"I’ll go splash some on."
"I’d love to rub those
elbows."
"I second that emotion."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!"
"That’s a good point, a very good
point."
"Let me get this straight."
"Yes . . . I am."
"Oh po po!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki’s Myposian tuxedo
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki picks Larry up and carries him around
Larry mixes up words and stammers when he's nervous
Larry’s huffy laugh
Interesting facts:
- The title is a pun on the classic song Tea
for Two.
- In this episode references are made to a
photo contest which Larry entered held by the Chicago Gazette. Tux for Two should
have aired after the episode Up on a Roof in which Larry was searching
for the perfect photograph to enter in that contest, instead Up on a Roof aired
as the last episode of season two.
- Balki mentions the great sheepherder
Zimdog Zakibatbat. It’s not clear if Zimdog would be related to the Brothers
Zakibatbat (Mooki and Gringki) mentioned in the third season episode My
Brother, Myself.
-
This was the first episode in which we
see Balki’s Myposian "tuxedo," as it would be dubbed by the fans.
The outfit, which includes short pants and pointy, curled shoes, was so popular
that Bronson even wore it as Balki to present an award at the first American
Comedy Awards.
- Actress Carol Bruce, who played gallery
owner Margaret Milgram in this episode, would also play "Muffy"
Endicott in the fourth season episode High Society. Sitcom fans might
remember her best as station owner Mr. Carlson’s mom in WKRP in Cincinnati.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- When this episode originally aired it
was shown well before the episode Up on a Roof, but sequentially that
episode should have been shown first as it is about Larry entering the photo
contest which led to his being invited to Roger Morgan’s black tie exhibit
opening.
Synopsis:
The episode begins in the Ritz Discount
store where Balki has lined up several pieces of wadded up paper on the counter.
He turns on the powerful wet vac to suck up the paper wads. Once he’s sucked
up the last one he examines the nozzle of the vacuum but puts it too close to
his face and it latches into him. Struggling to get loose, the nozzle ends up
attached to the back of Balki’s head as he thrashes around. Larry enters
the store and casually walks over to the vacuum, turning it off. The hose drops
from Balki’s head, who is relieved. "Oh thank you, Cousin! I thought it
was gonna suck my brains out!"
Larry is holding an envelope and looking
very happy, saying Balki’s not going to believe what he got in the mail.
"Your letter from Publisher’s Clearinghouse?" Balki asks excitedly.
"You may already have won?" Larry says it’s almost as good.
"Balki,
what do I want to be?" "Tall?" Balki guesses. Larry rephrases the
question. "What do I want to do for a living?" "Be a
photographer," Balki guesses correctly. "And who inspired me to become
a photographer?" Larry asks. Balki motions to himself but Larry says no.
"Roger Morgan!" Larry announces. Balki doesn’t know who Roger Morgan
is, so Larry explains he’s the best photographer in the world and that he has
received an invitation for Lawrence Appleton and a guest to the black tie
opening night party of his new photo exhibit. Balki asks why Larry would be
invited and Larry explains that Roger Morgan was won of the judges of the
Chicaco Gazette photo contest in which Larry placed tenth.
Balki politely says that’s nice and
starts to go back to work. Larry wants to impart to his cousin just how
important this is to him. "It’s like me wanting to be a baseball player
and meeting Pete Rose! Or me wanting to be an actor and meeting Lawrence
Olivier!" Balki catches on, saying "Is it like me meeting the great
sheepherder Zimdog Zakibatbat?" When Larry says it is Balki realizes what
an exciting day it is for his cousin and Larry says he’s glad he can share it
with Balki. Balki gets excited about going to the party, saying they can play
pin the tail on the mule and bob for potatoes and do the Limbo Rock. Balki
mimics doing the limbo as Larry clarifies that he’s sharing his happiness with
Balki but he’s going to spend the evening with Jennifer. Balki asks in a hurt
tone why Larry is asking Jennifer to which Larry replies, "Because she’s
beautiful and I want her." "That’s a good point, a very good
point," Balki concedes. Larry assures Balki that if Jennifer couldn’t go
that he would be next on his list.
Mr. Twinkacetti exits his office and Balki
enthusiastically tells him the big news as Mr. Twinkacetti hurries his steps,
trying to get out the door but not before Balki has finished saying that Larry
and Jennifer are going to a black tie party. "Color me excited," Mr.
Twinkacetti scoffs and leaves. Just as he’s walking out the door Jennifer and
Mary Anne enter wearing their stewardess uniforms. Jennifer is telling Mary Anne
that she can tell him since it was her fault. "It was a simple
mistake!" Mary Anne says. "Simple mistake?" Jennifer cries.
"All right, I’m a simple person. Is that what you wanted to hear me
say?" Mary Anne asks.
Balki asks what’s wrong and Jennifer
explains that she can’t go to the party the next night because she’s
working. Larry points out that Jennifer had said she would be flying to New York
tonight and be back tomorrow. "That’s what I thought but Mary Anne got
our destinations mixed up," Jennifer explains, "We’re not going to
New York, we’re going to New Zealand!" Balki is stunned. "You’re
going to New Zealand? The sheep capital of the world? How lucky can you
get?" Mary Anne turns to Jennifer and says, "See!"
Jennifer apologizes sincerely to Larry for not being able to go to the party with him and that he can find someone else. Mary Anne says they’d better get going because they have a lot to pack since they’re flying back through New Delhi. "You didn’t tell me anything about New Delhi," Jennifer says. "I don’t know anything about New Delhi," Mary Anne assures her as they leave. Larry stands, looking disappointed, but his expression changes to one of apprehension when Balki slyly asks "Who did you say was next on your list?" Balki mimes the Limbo Rock again as Larry looks frustrated.
The next evening Larry enters the
apartment, carrying rented tuxedos which he announces to Balki are for the party
that night. Balki says he’s ready and enters from the bathroom, wearing his
Myposian tuxedo and posing for Larry. Larry calmly tells Balki that he’s not
going to meet Roger Morgan dressed like that. "Why not?" Balki asks.
"Because this is a black tie party, not a bullfight," Larry explains.
Balki points out that he’s wearing a black tie and Larry explains that
"black tie" means you must wear a tuxedo. Balki misunderstands, saying
he’ll go "splash some on." Larry holds up one of the tuxedos to show
what it is and Balki says he doesn’t have one. Larry explains he got it for
Balki and Balki is thrilled saying Larry shouldn’t have bought it for him.
Larry says he didn’t, that he rented it. Balki is taken aback, surprised that
Larry would pay someone money to wear their clothes and pointing out that he
already has clothes. Larry says, "But not like these," and holds up
his own tuxedo. Balki notes that Larry’s tuxedo looks just like his.
"But
if we’re dressed exactly alike how will people tell us apart?" Balki asks
worriedly. "Dental records," Larry answers.
Larry goes on to explain that this is not
the kind of party where you’re supposed to have fun. Balki wants to get it
straight . . . everybody is going to be wearing black suits and nobody is going
to be having any fun. "What the difference is between this party and a
funeral?" Balki wants to know. "There’s no body," Larry
answers, then menacingly says, "But I can fix that!" Balki is upset
but Larry insists that this party is very important and that it’s vital they
behave properly because Roger Morgan has been known to take young photographers
under his wing and make them what they are today. "What are they
today?" Balki asks curiously. "Photographers," Larry says, losing
his patience. "That’s what you want to be!" Balki says excitedly.
"Yes, yes it is," Larry agrees, slowly yielding to the temptation to
strangle Balki until Balki laughs innocently and Larry pulls his hands away.
Deciding that it would be a good idea to
prepare Balki for what to expect Larry suggests they pretend the living room is
the photo gallery. "There are photographs on the wall, important people are
standing around, we both have drinks . . . " Balki asks what kind of drink
he has and Larry asks what kind of drink he’d like. "Cola, please,"
Balki says happily. "You have a cola," Larry says and Balki is happy.
As Larry starts to reset the scenario again Balki asks if he could have a diet,
so Larry says he has a diet cola. Balki then asks if there’s a caffeine free
and Larry impatiently says Balki has a caffeine free diet cola. Balki then asks
if there’s a ginger ale in there and Larry is fed up, saying they have no
drinks. "Do we have a little pretzel or chip of some kind?" Balki
asks. "No food, no drinks. Nothing," Larry insists.
Larry continues, saying they’re standing
there looking at a photograph. "Oh, puppy dogs!" Balki smiles.
Larry
says someone comes up and asks "What do you think of this photograph?"
"I think it’s pretty," Balki says immediately. "Wrong!"
Larry shouts. "I think it’s ugly?" Balki tries. "Wrong!"
Larry shouts. Balki thinks about it then says, "I think it’s . . . pretty
ugly?" Balki laughs at his own joke but Larry is not amused. "Is this
how you’re going to act when you meet Roger Morgan?" Larry asks. "No, I’ll be good," Balki promises, then scowls.
"Boy, are you
strict!" "Yes, I am," Larry says seriously. He explains that at
this kind of party it doesn’t matter what you think. "What matters is
that they think you think what they think, got it?" "I don’t think
so," Balki admits.
Larry explains to Balki that when someone
asks him what he thinks Balki should ask them what they think and then tell them
the same thing. "But they already know what they think," Balki points
out. "Exactly, and they want to hear the same thing from you. So let’s
try it again." Larry says they’re looking at a picture but Balki walks
away from him. "I’m choosing a new picture, it’s enough with
puppies." Larry looks like he’s really
about to blow his top but he
somehow keeps his cool. "What do you think of this picture?" he asks.
Balki’s about to give his opinion when he remembers what Larry said and
answers, "What do you think?" "I like it, how about
you?" Larry asks. "I like it, too," Balki states and Larry tells
him he did good and suggests Balki try on his tuxedo. Balki asks if Larry’s
sure that this is how people act at these parties and Larry assures him he is,
saying it’s just a game you play to get your foot in the door. Balki promises
he won’t embarrass Larry as he tries on the jacket of the tuxedo. It’s
immediately apparent that the jacket is way too small for Balki, the sleeves
coming up way too high. Larry tries to pull them down but the shoulder seam rips
open. "I guessed at the size," Larry admits. "Guess again!"
Balki comments.
The second act opens in the Milgram
Gallery where the Roger Morgan photo exhibit is taking place. A waiter is
offering hors d’oeuvres to patrons
as they mill about. Larry and Balki enter
and once they’ve come forward we can see Balki is wearing Myposian tuxedo as
people turn to look at him strangely. Balki says he’s sorry the tuxedo place
was closed. "Me, too," Larry sighs. Balki insists that he doesn’t
mind being a little different. "I’m proud of my heritage."
"Okay, be proud," Larry nods, "Just . . . stand behind me."
Balki asks which one is Roger Morgan and Larry says he doesn’t see him, but he
spots the photo editor of Shutter magazine, Dick Jorgeson who won a Pulitzer
Prize the year before, and Margaret Milgram who owns the gallery. "Balki, I
never thought I’d be rubbing elbows with so many important people."
Balki
in the meantime has spotted a lovely woman in a fancy gown and sighs, "I’d
love to rub those elbows!" Larry is quick to point out it’s just an
expression. "Don’t rub anything!" Larry suggests they mingle and
Balki asks what that means and Larry says, "It means talk, without touching
. . . without touching!"
Larry casually starts to walk over to
Margaret Milgram where she stands with a young man looking at a photograph
called "Hitchhiker on the Road
to Bitterness" on a pillar. She
comments that she thinks it’s the essence of Roger’s best work. Unbeknownst
to Larry, Balki has gone around the other side of the pillar and asks her
"Do you really think so?" Larry is shocked and nervous, staying to the
side as the conversation progresses, or rather deteriorates. Ms. Milgram starts
to ask Balki what he thinks then notices his clothes. She finishes her question
anyway. "I think it’s the best of his essence, too!" Balki offers
eagerly. He goes on to say that they have a calendar at home of all his work and
that this particular picture is September. "A calendar?" "Yes, it’s
right over the toilet," Balki explains. Larry wants to die. "A toilet?
Please!" Ms. Milgram says in disgust. "Oh, it’s right out the door
to your left," Balki offers, not understanding. "Well I never . . .
!" Ms. Milgram scoffs. "Well in that case let me suggest a high fiber
diet," Balki says with the best intentions. "Dennis, I need a
drink!" Ms. Milgram sighs and takes her young escort away.
Mortified, Larry walks over to Balki and establishes a new rule. "Don’t say anything unless you’ve got something caught in your throat." Balki is confused, saying he was just agreeing with her like Larry said. "Don’t you think it’s a good picture?" "Yes, it’s a good picture," Larry agrees. "All his pictures are good! I looked at this one all through September. I think it might have been better if he’d shot it with a wide angle lens . . . made the car seem a little more farther away, a little more desolate." "Boy, you know a lot for a guy who’s never sold a picture!" Balki marvels. Larry goes on to wonder why Roger Morgan only shoots in black and white.
At this point the waiter arrives with the
hors d’oeuvres tray and offers it to Balki. Balki takes the whole tray and
Larry has to tell him to give it back and take just one thing. Balki asks the
waiter what one item is and the waiter answers "Those are finger
sandwiches." Balki looks disgusted and sick and Larry assures him they’re
not what he thinks and urges him to take something. "Perhaps a cocktail
frank?" the waiter offers. "Oh, my name’s not Frank, it’s Balki.
And I think cocktails are those little drinks over there." The waiter
thanks Balki and says he’ll try to remember that before walking away. Balki
comments that one would think they’d get a waiter who knew what he was doing.
At that moment Roger Morgan enters the
gallery and people swarm to him. He’s wearing a jacket and white turtleneck
sweater, looking somewhat casual. Larry points him out to Balki and Balki
immediately comments that the man isn’t wearing a black tie. "No wonder
everyone is staring at him!" Larry is trying to get his nerve up, realizing
this is it. He walks over to Roger Morgan with Balki right behind. Larry gets
his attention and starts to stutter, saying "It is such a measure to pleat
you." He tries to introduce himself but he can’t even speak his own name
without Balki prompting him. Mr. Morgan asks Larry if he has something caught in
his throat. Larry stammers that he’s fine.
Dennis then steps in and asks Mr. Morgan
why he only shoots black and white. Balki points out that Cousin Larry was
wondering the same thing. Larry is so embarrassed he grabs Balki and pulls him
away, bemoaning the fact that he blew his big chance. Balki encourages him to
try again but Larry insists it’s over. "Cousin, if I were standing there,
and the great Zimdog Zakibatbat were standing over there, I would hope you would
do this." Balki picks Larry up around the middle and carries him back over
to Roger Morgan, setting him down. "Mr. Morgan, my Cousin Larry . . .
again." "Yes, I remember," Mr. Morgan assures him.
Larry tries to speak but no words are
coming out of his mouth, so Balki speaks for him, saying that Larry admires him,
to which Larry can manage to say "I do, I really do!" Balki goes on to
say that Larry would like to be as great as he is someday. "I would, I
would!" Larry nods. "You know, that’s the great thing about
photography. It’s a non-verbal medium," Mr. Morgan jokes. Balki then goes
on to ask if he didn’t take the hitchhiker photograph with the wrong lens.
Everyone is startled, especially Larry. Dennis steps in, saying no one talks to
Mr. Morgan like that and he’ll take care of them. He looks around for Margaret
Milgram who isn’t nearby to support him so he runs off to look for her. "Don’t mind Dennis," Mr. Morgan assures them, "He was born with
a silver spoon in his mouth." "Must have been painful for his
mama!" Balki comments.
Once again Larry drags Balki away, this
time completely humiliated and asking Balki if he has any idea what he’s done,
that Roger Morgan no longer thinks he’s an idiot but knows he’s an
idiot and that he comes from a family of idiots. Balki is frustrated with trying
to understand these strange social rules where you think one thing and say
another. "People should just be themselves," he insists, then adds,
"except for Dennis . . . 
he should be somebody else." Larry says Balki
is right and that he’s sorry he even came.
Dennis walks up to them and points them out to Margaret Milgram, who is right behind and looks at them questioningly. "Pardon me, but how did you get in here?" she asks. "He’s with me," Larry explains. "I was talking you," Ms. Milgram clarifies. "I was invited," Larry answers. "And I’m his invited guest," Balki adds. Ms. Milgram says she’s uninviting both of them, saying Larry is a blithering fool and that Balki has a nerve to come dressed as a matador and utter the most tactless and inane dribble. Larry cuts her off, telling her that Balki is the only one who has the guts to say what he thinks. "And don’t put down his clothes. He’s proud of his heritage." "No one speaks to her like that," Dennis interrupts. "Well, I’m sorry but your Nana was being rude!" Balki insists. This comment takes Ms. Milgram and Dennis aback sharply and she announces she’s calling security. As they walk away Dennis smarmily says "You’re in trouble!"
Larry suggests they leave and as they’re
walking toward the exit Roger Morgan stops them, wanting to talk to Balki about
the lens comment. Larry explains that Balki was only repeating a stupid remark
he’d said. But Mr. Morgan is quick to point out it wasn’t stupid, that in
fact it was a very perceptive comment. "Well, it’s what I really thought,
I’d not ashamed to admit it," Larry says. "Not now anyway!"
Balki adds. Mr. Morgan asks Larry what lens he would have used and Larry says he
probably would have used a 28 mm. "That was exactly the lens I was going to
use," Mr. Morgan tells them, "but my camera bag was locked in my car,
along with my keys." "Oh po po!" Balki laughs. "Cousin Larry
does that all the time!" Mr. Morgan says it’s refreshing to hear an
honest criticism. "Usually when I ask people what they think they turn
around and say ‘What do you think’?" Larry laughs at this and then
adds, "I hate that!"
Balki points out that Larry won tenth
place in the photo contest he helped to judge. Mr. Morgan says he remembers the
picture and that if the committee had listened to his opinion Larry would have
done better than tenth place. This means the world to Larry to hear this and Mr.
Morgan assures Larry that he was a beginner once, too, and would like to see
more of Larry’s work. He suggests Larry drop some photos off at his hotel and
that maybe he can be of some help to him. Before he walks away he comments to
Balki, "Nice outfit, kid! Very Myposian!" Balki makes a comment in
Myposian and Mr. Morgan confidently replies "Dach mach bing bing!"
before walking away.
Back at the apartment Larry sorts through
some photos to take to Roger Morgan. He asks Balki what he thinks of one picture
and Balki says,
"What do you think?" Larry says he really needs Balki’s
opinion but Balki assures him that he doesn’t, that everyone has an opinion,
"Me, Roger Morgan, even Dennis and his Nana. But the only one that matters
is yours. Now bring Mr. Morgan the one you like best." Larry makes his
final selection and puts it into the envelope and hurries to get his coat so
they can take the photos over to Mr. Morgan’s hotel, commenting on how great
this is going to be. "This could be great! If Roger Morgan likes these I
could be working in a newspaper in a couple of weeks! I could be in a new
apartment in a couple of months! In a year, I could win a Pulitzer."
"And if he doesn’t like them?" Balki asks. "I’ll jump off the
Sears Tower," Larry replies. "Don’t you think you’re getting a
little crazy again?" Balki asks. "Isn’t there somewhere in the
middle?" Larry thinks about this and says, "You’re right.
How ‘bout
I give him the pictures and hope for the best." "I second that
emotion," Balki states.
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