Nielsen Rating: 15.7 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 19 - Since I Lost My Baby
First Air Date: January 14, 1987
Nielsen Rating: 15.7 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Chip Keyes & Doug Keyes
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Ernie Sabella: Mr. Donald Twinkacetti
Belita Moreno: Mrs. Edwina Twinkacetti
Guest Cast:
Dante D’Andre: The Maitre D’
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri appears on
the left partition of the kitchen wearing an apron (or a bib) with something in
front of him to eat (or maybe something he’s cooking). Later he can be
seen on the other partition laying on his side with a black mask over his eyes.
Balki-isms:
"I got a Pepski."
"Is the king cross-eyed?"
"You big bag of romance!"
Don’t be ridiculous: Said twice in this episode.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Are you crazy?"
"Take a reality pill!"
"It’s not pretty."
"I don’t think so!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Twinkacetti’s growl
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki and Larry share a rapid exchange of dialogue, in this case, "I
am?" "You are!"
Songs: "Theme from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood" - Balki sings this as the cousins open the store in the morning.
Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode is a line from the 1956
Elvis Presley song Heartbreak Hotel.
- At the start of this episode Balki sings the theme song to Mr. Roger’s
Neighborhood, a popular PBS children’s program which ran for over three
decades. Balki asking Larry if he can say "Good Morning" is also
a reference to Mr. Rogers, who often asked young viewers if they could say a
particular word or phrase then praised them with "Sure, I knew you
could" afterwards.
- This marks the only time Balki would call Twinkacetti "turnip."
- In this episode Larry makes a joke which is an intentional malopropism (or
rather a pun) . . . the line "bad sax is better than no sax at all" is
a twist of the phrase "bad sex is better than no sex at all."
-
If you look at the establishing shot for "Tony's Mambo Room" you'll
see clearly the name is superimposed on the sign of Chicago's famous restaurant,
Chez Paul. In fact, the name Chez Paul can be clearly seen in the shot!
-
Dante D’Andre is listed as appearing in this episode as the Maitre D’,
although there is no such part in the final episode. From the script we
know that his part came at the end of the scene in Tony's Mambo Room after
Twinkacetti leaves. The Maitre D' approaches Balki and Larry's table and
says "The short squat gentleman said you were paying the check."
- This was the only episode of the series to focus so intently on Mr. and Mrs.
Twinkacetti. It’s hard to say whether or not this episode might have
been a test to see if the characters could stand up to being spun off into their
own series.
Bloopers and
Inconsistencies:
- When Balki holds up his soft drink
can and says, "I got a Pepski," it's pretty obvious the can is not a
Pepsi can.
Synopsis:
The episode opens with Balki and Larry coming to work at the Ritz Discount Store
one morning. Balki sings the theme song to "Mr. Roger's
Neighborhood" as he takes off his jacket and then removes the dust clothes
from the tables of merchandise. "It's a beautiful day in the
neighborhood, beautiful day in the neighborhood . . . won't you be mine?
Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?" Larry turns the
sign on the front door from "Closed" to "Open."
"Can you say, 'Good morning?'" Balki asks Larry a la Mr. Rogers.
"No," Larry answers curtly. There's a loud noise from the office
and Larry sees a shadow move across the window on the door.
"Someone's in the office," Larry warns quietly. Larry reaches
down and picks up a baseball bat then starts to sneak across the store to the
office with Balki following right behind. Larry stops
beside a table with
a sheet over it and motions toward Balki, indicating the table.
Balki nods
that he understands and slowly pulls the sheet off the table, revealing a row of
teddy bears. Balki picks up one of the stuffed toys in a macho fashion,
ready to use it as a weapon. Exasperated, Larry takes the bear from Balki and sets it down then
hands Balki the sheet. Balki motions as if "What am I supposed to do
with this?" Larry pantomimes throwing the sheet over the burglar and
then whacking the man on the head with the bat. Balki still doesn't
understand so Larry mimes this again. Finally Balki gets it, throwing
the sheet over Larry and tapping the top of his head to demonstrate. When he pulls the sheet off Larry
gives him an impatient expression, then mouths, "Right!" They
start toward the office again, then stop when they hear
more noises coming from within. Larry motions to Balki to stand on either side of the doorway
and they wait. Finally the door opens and Mr. Twinkacetti steps out, wearing
pajamas and yawning.
Balki
throws the sheet over Mr. Twinkacetti's head but quickly motions for Larry not to hit
him with the bat. "It's Mr. Twinkacetti!" Balki says. Twinkacetti growls under the sheet and Balki quickly
pulls it off and tries to act casual. "Why did you do that?" Mr.
Twinkacetti asks. "We thought you were a prowler," Larry
explains. "Nice outfit, Mr. Twinkacetti,"
Balki comments, "I have pajamas that look like
that." "These are my pajamas," Mr. Twinkacetti
confirms, "I spent the night here. My wife threw me out just because
I forgot our wedding anniversary." "Well, you should be
ashamed," Balki states. "You
should be neutered!" Twinkacetti snaps. "She threw you
out?" Larry asks, "Pretty severe for missing one wedding
anniversary." "Well, actually we've been married sixteen years
and I've forgotten sixteen of them," Mr. Twinkacetti adds as he goes to sit
down on the barber's chair. "Well, nobody’s perfect," Balki assures
him.
Mrs. Twinkacetti enters the store,
carrying a suitcase and looking angry. "Edwina
. . .
my love!" Mr. Twinkacetti greets her. "Drop dead, Donald!"
Mrs. Twinkacetti replies, then she smiles nicely at Balki and Larry, saying,
"Hello, boys." "Hi, Mrs. Twinkacetti," Larry and Balki
reply. Balki then adds, "Happy anniversary!" Mr.
Twinkacetti shoots Balki a look. "Thank you, Balki," Mrs.
Twinkacetti says, "You're one up on him." She sets down the
suitcase and explains, "I thought you'd be needing a few
things." "Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, dear," Mr.
Twinkacetti says, then hopefully he asks, "Can't we let bygones be
bygones?" "Not this time, Donald," Mrs. Twinkacetti replies
seriously, "You have taken me for granted once too often. It's
over." After a pause she states, "I want a divorce."
Mr. Twinkacetti is stunned. "D . . . ivorce?
Just for forgetting one wedding anniversary . . . ?" he
asks, then off her look, " . . . sixteen times?"
"It’s not the
anniversaries," she explains, "and it’s not the gambling and the
wild nights out with the boys." She thinks about what 
she’s saying and
adds, "Actually . . . it is that. But it’s more than that, too. The romance is
gone. The magic is gone. You’re gone. Goodbye, Donald."
She reaches down and picks up the suitcase, undoing the latch. "Oh,
by the way . . . " She dumps his clothes out onto the floor and
closes the case, finishing, " . . . I'm keeping the luggage."
She turns and walks out of the store. "Divorce? I can't believe
it," Mr. Twinkacetti says, "We've had our little spats before but . .
. she never used the 'D' word." "Come on, Balki, let's give the
man some privacy," Larry suggests, and he steps away. But Balki sits
down on the chair and places a hand on Mr. Twinkacetti's shoulder, guessing,
"You must be in such pain." "I'm too numb to feel any
pain," Mr. Twinkacetti replies, "I've lost my wife, the only woman I
ever loved. Excuse me . . . I'll be in my office looking for a reason to
live."
Mr. Twinkacetti starts for his office but
Balki stops him. "No, Mr. Twinkacetti, you shouldn't be alone. Cousin, he needs to
be with 
friends." "Yeah, good idea," Larry agrees, stepping
over to them and telling Mr. Twinkacetti, "Go see some friends."
"I can’t do that," Mr. Twinkacetti sighs, "All my
friends know me!" "Well, we know you and we're still your
friends," Balki says. "We are?"
Larry asks with surprise. "And . . . and you can stay with us,"
Balki adds. "He can?" Larry cries. "You guys would
let me stay with you?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks hopefully, "I don't know
what to say." "Well, don't say anything just yet," Larry
stops him, then says to Balki, "Why don't . . . why don't you wait right
here. Balki, could I have a word with you?" Larry grabs Balki
by the shirt and pulls him to the side, then asks, "Are you crazy?"
"Cousin, Mr. Twinkacetti is in pain," Balki points out. "Well, how is making my life a living hell
going to change that?" Larry asks. "Well, somebody has got to
let him know that he's not alone and he's not a totally worthless human
being," Balki says.
"You mean somebody’s gotta lie to him!" Larry
states, then softens his approach and says, "Balki, I feel as bad about
this as you 
do, but I draw the line at having the man sleep under my
roof!" "Well then, you tell him he can't stay,"
Balki says. "All right, I will," Larry agrees. Balki steps
aside and Larry approaches Mr. Twinkacetti, who has picked up his jumbled mess
of clothes from the floor. "Mr. Twinkacetti?" Larry asks.
Mr. Twinkacetti turns around with his arms full of clothes, looking pathetic,
and asks "Yeah?" "Uh . . . about that invitation . . .
" Larry begins. "Oh, say no more," Mr. Twinkacetti
interrupts, "I . . . I know you don't want me to stay with ya. I
don't blame ya. I’m . . . dirt!" Mr. Twinkacetti starts to
cry into his clothes. Larry looks to Balki, he turns his head away from
Larry. "All right," Larry sighs, "You can stay with us
until . . . " "Oh, you guys are the greatest!" Mr.
Twinkacetti cries, dropping his clothes and running to hug Larry. Moved,
Balki hugs Larry from the other side. Larry stands in the middle, disgusted.
That evening in the apartment, Larry and
Balki are in the kitchen making dinner. Balki is forming hamburger into
balls and tossing them to Larry to put in a casserole dish. "Having
Twinkacetti as a houseguest," Larry moans, "It's like Tokyo inviting
Godzilla for dinner." Balki tosses another chunk of meat to
Larry. "Well, how are we going to get poor Mr. Twinkacetti and poor
Mrs. Twinkacetti back together?" Balki asks, tossing another ball of
hamburger to Larry. "We are not," Larry answers, "Balki,
rule of thumb: Never butt in. It's not up to us to save their
marriage. Just stay out of it." Balki throws the last ball of
meat to Larry, who realizes that the difference in the size of the balls Balki
has made ranges from gigantic to tiny. "Well . . . I . . . I see a
marriage in trouble and I have to do something to help," Balki
insists. "Well, just leave me out of it," Larry asks, placing
the casserole dish in the oven anyway.
There is a knock at the door and Mr.
Twinkacetti enters, carrying Ritz Discount bags full of his clothes and a six
pack of beer. He calls out, "Hi, boys! How's it goin'? I
brought the beer." "Come on in," Larry says sarcastically
as Mr. Twinkacetti places the bags on the table and takes off his coat and hat,
also placing them on the table. "You look like you found a reason to
live," Balki notes. "Oh yeah, I thought about it," Mr.
Twinkacetti replies, "Women . . . who needs 'em? Especially since I
got great guy pals like you." Mr. Twinkacetti pulls one of the beers
off the six pack and asks, "How 'bout a brewski?" "Oh, no
thank you," Balki says, holding up a soft drink can, "I got a Pepski."
Balki laughs at his own joke. Mr. Twinkacetti pops open the can of beer
and goes to the couch, sitting down and picking up the remote to start watching
television.
"You see?" Larry asks Balki, "He's fine. Just leave them
alone and they'll work things out." "Cousin, no," Balki
argues, "He's 
hiding his true feelings deep down inside."
"The man is shallow," Larry counters, "There is no deep down
inside." "Cousin, no," Balki insists, "He’s got something inside him and it’s going to
. . . to fester and . . . and swell and burst like a tick on a sheepdog."
"Well, then get him off our couch," Larry urges. Balki walks
over to Mr. Twinkacetti and squats down to talk to him. "Mr.
Twinkacetti?" When he doesn't answer, Balki grabs Mr. Twinkacetti's
hand which holds the remote and uses it to turn off the television.
"I . . . I know that this is a difficult time in your life," Balki
says gently, "Would you like to share the pain that is going on deep down
inside?" Mr. Twinkacetti thinks about this a moment, then
answers,
"Nah!" He turns the television back on and says, "What d'ya
say we
zip around the ol’ cable dial until we hit some nudity." Watching from
the kitchen, Larry nods his head and winks sarcastically saying, "Deep!
Deep!"
Balki turns off the television and tries
again. "Now, you know what I think?" Balki asks, "I think
that deep down inside you know 
that if you don't have Mrs. Twinkacetti, you . .
. you got nothing. Oh, sure you'll make a life for yourself. But in
the end, you'll be a wretched, filthy little man . . . wandering the streets
with newspapers under your shirt and plastic bags on your feet . . . wishing in
your heart that you . . . you had not lost your true love forever."
Mr. Twinkacetti's eyes open wide with horror as he asks, "Forever?" "Well, she said the ‘D’ word," Balki
reminds him. Larry is surprised when Mr. Twinkacetti bursts into tears,
sobbing, "The 'D' word!" He pulls out a handkerchief and cries
uncontrollably. "Cousin, this
man is deep!" Balki states, then he directs Larry to squat down beside Mr.
Twinkacetti as well. "We've got to help his marriage," Balki
continues. Balki grabs Larry's hand and uses it to pet the top of Mr.
Twinkacetti's head, saying in a comforting voice, "There, there, Mr.
Twinkacetti. We're there for you." "Do
you mean it?" Mr. Twinkacetti sobs.
"Is
the king cross-eyed?" Balki asks, then grabs Larry’s other hand to grab
the handkerchief Mr. Twinkacetti is crying into, 
directing him to,
"Blow." Larry pulls his hand away in disgust. Mr.
Twinkacetti gets up from the couch, still crying. "Guys, I want to
thank you for taking me in like this. I have to get Edwina back. And
even though it may take months, I can wait!" Larry turns to Balki in
horror and asks, "Months?" "With your help I can get
through it," Mr. Twinkacetti continues, picking up the bags and his coat
and hat from the table, "I'm going to go to bed now and cry myself to
sleep." He walks into Larry's bedroom and Larry chases after him but
Mr. Twinkacetti closes the door before Larry can reach it. "Uh, Mr.
Twinkacetti?" Larry says as the door closes in his face. Larry knocks
on the door and calls, "Uh, Mr. Twinkacetti? That's my
room." Larry knocks again and calls, "Mr. Twinkacetti?"
He hears the man sobbing and sighs in defeat, "There’s . . . tissues by the
bed." Larry walks back to Balki and takes him by the shoulders,
stating, "Balki . . . we have to save this marriage!" "Well, of course we
do. Don’t be
ridiculous," Balki agrees and the scene fades to black.
Act
two begins with Larry and Balki standing by the phone stand. Larry is
talking on the phone to Mrs. Twinkacetti. "Mrs. Twinkacetti, he's not
the same man," Larry insists, "Well, yes, he’s still
short." Balki motions to Larry that he wants to say something and
Larry cups his hand over the mouthpiece. "Tell her he's
changing," Balki says. "I can't tell her that, that would be
lying," Larry replies. "No, it's not," Balki says,
"He's in the bedroom changing." Larry thinks about this then
tells Mrs. Twinkacetti, "Mrs. Twinkacetti, believe me when I tell you he's
changing. You will? Yes, I'll tell him. Yeah . . .
bye." Larry hangs up the phone. "Balki, she's agreed to
talk to him," Larry reports. "Oh, that's wonderful," Balki
smiles. "There's one catch," Larry explains, "She'll only
give him five minutes. Personally I think she’ll be outta there in
three." "Not if he can prove to her that he's trying to
change," Balki notes.
"Balki,
take a reality pill," Larry says, "Mr. Twinkacetti is not going to
change. The best we can hope for is that he can romance her for five
minutes. That way he'll get a foot in the door and out of our
apartment." Mr. Twinkacetti exits Larry's bedroom and says,
"Appleton . . . I read your diary. You're a sick man."
"Mr. Twinkacetti, that was personal," Larry fumes. "Hey,
we're roomies!" Mr. Twinkacetti says, sitting in a chair, "We have no
secrets." Balki looks hurt and says, "You never let me
read your diary." Larry looks exasperated, then changes the subject
and suggests, "Why don't you tell Mr. Twinkacetti the good
news?" Balki walks to the couch to sit down and Larry follows.
"Mr. Twinkacetti . . . your wife has agreed to talk to you for five
minutes." "Five minutes?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks, "What
can I do in five minutes?" "Well, I guess flying her to Paris is
out," Larry jokes, but no one else laughs.
"You've got to prove to her that
you're going to change," Balki says. "Forget that," Larry
argues, "You've gotta crawl before you 
can
walk. And you can start by being romantic. Now we've got to find the
right spot." "Well, we used to go to this restaurant," Mr.
Twinkacetti thinks, "Oh! Tony's Mambo Room!" "Tony's
Mambo Room?" Larry asks in disbelief, "'Our ribs stick to your ribs?'
That
Tony’s Mambo Room? I don't think that's going to work." "What're
you talkin' about? Tony’s is a romantic place,"
Twinkacetti assures them, "You eat with your fingers." "No
. . . no, no, that’s
not romantic," Larry says emphatically, "That’s disgusting!"
"That's cruel, Appleton," Mr. Twinkacetti says in hurt tone.
"Okay, Cousin Larry's right," Balki interrupts, "We've seen you
with Mrs. Twinkacetti. It’s not pretty." "What am I
gonna do?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks, "I don't have a romantic bone in my
body." "Oh, you must have had once," Balki scoffs,
"She fell in love with you." Mr. Twinkacetti gets to his feet in
despair. "Sure . . . that was thirteen
years ago!" "Sixteen!" Larry and Balki correct. "See?
I’m
hopeless!" Twinkacetti cries, returning to the chair.
"No, no no no no, no, you're
not," Larry insists, "All right . . . look . . . look."
Larry gets up from the couch and takes Balki by the 
wrist,
pulling him behind. "Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo
Room. Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you
out." Balki takes a seat on the chair and Larry grabs the throw from
the back of the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. Mr. Twinkacetti
sits on the end of the couch to watch closely. "This is how you have
to act if you want to get your wife back," Balki explains to Mr.
Twinkacetti. Larry walks across the room like a woman, then eyes Balki as
Balki returns the look. Larry acts coy. Balki gets to his feet and
reaches out to Larry. "Edwina, you look lovely this
evening." Larry takes Balki's hand and steps closer. "That
dress brings out your eyes," Balki says in a breathy voice. "I’m gonna throw up!"
Mr. Twinkacetti moans, starting to get up. "Sit down, Turnip!"
Balki orders, which Twinkacetti does. "Donald . . . the Mambo
Room," Larry says in a feminine voice, "How sweet of you to
remember." "How could I forget, my pet?" Balki asks, as he
and Larry step closer together. Larry turns his back to Balki and they
take two steps forward in unison.
"It seems like only yesterday . . .
you're as beautiful as you were then," Balki says, pulling Larry to one
side. "No!" Balki states, pulling Larry to the other side,
"I'm wrong! You're even more beautiful!" "I am?"
Larry asks. "You are!" Balki insists. "I
am?" "You are!" "I am?" "You . .
. well, of course you are! Don't be ridiculous!" Larry looks at
Balki longingly and gasps, "Donald, I 
forgot
how romantic you could be. How could I ever have kicked you out? Take me!"
After a beat, Balki replies, "I don’t think
so!" "No, no, I'm just showing him," Larry explains.
"No, I know," Balki assures him. "Well, do you get the
general idea?" Larry asks Mr. Twinkacetti. "I can't do
this," Mr. Twinkacetti complains, "Let's face it . . . we'll be
roomies for life." "All right! All right!
Let’s not
panic!" Larry cries out, and he and Balki kneel next to the couch as Larry
insists, "Look, we can do this! We put a man on the moon! We
will go with you to the restaurant and get you through this thing."
"Oh, you guys are the greatest!" Mr. Twinkacetti smiles.
"Well, we just want to see you and Mrs. Twinkacetti back together again . .
. in your own home," Larry assures him. "Did we really put a man
on the moon?" Balki asks with surprise. "Yes, we did,"
Larry says, tugging on the blanket around his neck which Balki is kneeling on,
"And get off my dress." Larry pulls the blanket free.
That evening, we see the exterior of
Tony's Mambo room. Inside the restaurant, Larry and Balki are sitting with
Mr. Twinkacetti at 
a
booth. "Now remember," Larry says, "compliment her
clothes. Talk about her hair. Make her think she's the most
beautiful woman in the world." "No, Mr. Twinkacetti, you've got
to tell her the way you are going to change," Balki argues.
"Like what?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks. "Like, uh . . . you're
going to try harder to remember your anniversary and you don't have to go out so
much with the boys," Balki offers. "Look, you'll have years to
change," Larry says, "Right now you've only got five minutes.
Talk about her eyes." "No, Mr. Twinkacetti, you've got to stop
thinking about yourself and start thinking about Mrs. Twinkacetti," Balki
insists, "You should beg her forgiveness! You should throw yourself
down at her feet! You should press your face up against her arches and
tell her she can step on your neck because you have not been the man you should
have been!" After a moment, Mr. Twinkacetti turns back to Larry and
asks, "What about her eyes?" "Tell her that her eyes remind
you of moonlit pools on a summer night," Larry suggests, "She'll melt
like butter." "All right," Mr. Twinkacetti says to himself,
"Moonlit pools on a warm summer night . . . "
Larry sees Mrs. Twinkacetti approaching to
the Maitre D'. "Here she is," Larry warns, and he and Balki get
up and hurry to the 
booth
next to Mr. Twinkacetti's. They scooch in unison toward the back of the
booth and then hold menus up in front of their faces. The Maitre D' shows
Mrs. Twinkacetti to the table. "Good evening, Donald," she says
in a cool tone. "Hello, sugar plum," Mr. Twinkacetti offers,
"Won't you have a seat?" They both sit down. "You
know, sweetheart . . . " Mr. Twinkacetti begins. Mrs. Twinkacetti
checks her watch and states, "You've got five minutes . . . go."
"Uh, my . . . don't you look lovely this evening?" Mr. Twinkacetti
tries, "You know, your eyes . . . " "Hold the bull,
Donald," Mrs. Twinkacetti stops him, "Give me one good reason why I should take you
back." "You want a reason?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks, "Don’t you want to hear about your
eyes?" "No," she states flatly. "How am I doin'
on time?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks nervously, checking his watch. "I
knew this wouldn't work," Mrs. Twinkacetti sighs with frustration.
"I'm trying to change, really I am," Mr. Twinkacetti says, "Uh .
. . why do you think I chose this restaurant?"
"I don't know," Mrs. Twinkacetti
smiles with extreme patience as Balki and Larry watch from the next table,
"Why did you choose 
this
restaurant?" "Because I consider the Mambo Room our place,"
Mr. Twinkacetti smiles knowingly, reaching for a bottle of champagne in an ice
bucket on the table. "But why?" Mrs. Twinkacetti asks,
"We've never been here before." "Oh, sure we have,
sweetness," Mr. Twinkacetti assures her as he pours them both some
champagne, "Years ago. You don't remember, do ya? I may not
remember wedding anniversaries but I do remember the romantic stuff. We
sat right in that booth over there and we necked all night. I even slipped
the accordion player fifty cents to play 'That's Why the Lady's a
Tramp.'" "Maybe that’s
because the lady was a tramp!" Mrs. Twinkacetti informs him, "I’ve never been in this restaurant in my
life!" Realizing he screwed up, Twinkacetti takes a big sip of
champagne then says calmly, "You know . . . come to think of it, uh . . . neither have I!
Excuse me . . . nature calls." Mr. Twinkacetti gets up from the table
and runs around the back of the booth to Larry and Balki's booth.
"It's over!" Mr. Twinkacetti
tells them. "That was quick," Balki notes. "I got the
right restaurant but the wrong woman," Mr. Twinkacetti explains, "I
used to bring dates here before we were married." Hearing his voice,
Mrs. Twinkacetti looks over the 
back
of her seat and sees him talking to Balki and Larry. The three quickly
realize they've been spotted. "Hello, Mrs. Twinkacetti," Larry
says nervously, "What brings you to Tony’s?" "Not the ribs," she
snaps. "You know, darling," Mr. Twinkacetti begins, "Just now, in the john, I was thinking about
how your eyes remind me of moonlit pools on a warm summer night . . . "
"Stuff it, Donald!" Mrs. Twinkacetti yells, "How could you bring me to a place where
you cheated on me?" Mr. Twinkacetti gasps and insists, "I never
cheated on you while we were married. I . . . cheated on you while we were
engaged. Can’t we talk?" "You talk . . . to my lawyer!" Mrs.
Twinkacetti exclaims and she gets up to storm out of the restaurant.
"I still have two minutes!" Mr. Twinkacetti calls after her, then he
sighs, "That's it. I guess that's it." "Well, we're
sorry it didn't work out," Balki offers sympathetically. "Thanks
a lot, guys," Mr. Twinkacetti says, "You did your best. And I
want you to know I really appreciate it. I'm goin' for a walk. You don’t
. . . have to wait up for me. I
made a key." Larry looks startled as Mr. Twinkacetti walks away.
The next morning, Balki and Larry arrive
at the Ritz Discount Store. "I'm worried about Mr. Twinkacetti,"
Balki says as he starts 
to
remove the dust covers from the merchandise tables, "He don't come home
last night. He could be wandering the streets a . . . a broken, lonely
little man." "Well, at least I got to sleep in my own bed," Larry muses.
"Oh, Cousin . . . he's our friend," Balki says. "Our friend?" Larry asks
incredulously, "Balki . . . the man tried to have you deported for giving the
correct change to a blind man." "Well, I never said he was a
saint," Balki admits. "Balki, you are the nicest person I ever
met," Larry says, "and I hope I never get to be like you." "Cousin, don’t worry . . . you won’t," Balki assures him.
Larry gives Balki a somewhat hurt and confused look. They hear a loud
noise in the office and see what looks like a silhouette of two people together
behind the glass. "Mr. Twinkacetti?" Larry calls out. Mr.
Twinkacetti walks out of his office, looking disheveled and trying to tuck his
shirt into his pants. "What are you bozos doin' here so early?"
he asks. "Mr. Twinkacetti, you're all right!" Balki exclaims
happily, walking toward the man with open arms.
A moment later Mrs. Twinkacetti steps out
of the office, wearing a raincoat. She starts to speak, then sees Balki
and Larry and 
looks
embarrassed. "Mrs. Twinkacetti!" Balki says. "Hi,
boys," Mrs. Twinkacetti smiles. There's an awkward moment of silence
before Balki finally blurts out, "Are you naked under that coat?"
Mr. Twinkacetti growls at Balki. "You're together?" Larry
asks. "Yeah," Mr. Twinkacetti confirms, "After I left the
restaurant I got to thinking about what you said about, you know, being romantic
and all and, uh . . . then I remembered what I did when I was trying to get
Edwina to fall in love with me." "This crazy guy showed up under my window with a big bag of eggrolls and
his
saxophone," Mrs. Twinkacetti explains. "Egg rolls and saxophone, why
didn’t we think of that?" Balki asks. "Then we came back
here," Mrs. Twinkacetti continues, "You see, when we were teenagers we
used to steal precious moments in the back of my father's store so . . . Donald
thought this would be a perfect place to . . . settle our
differences." "You big bag of romance," Balki says to Mr.
Twinkacetti. "Why don't you boys take the day off?" Mr.
Twinkacetti suggests. Larry and Balki look around as if they think he's
talking to someone else.
"Are you kidding?" Larry asks, "Who
. . . who’d run the store?" "Well, maybe today the store doesn’t have to open,"
Twinkacetti says. "Woof," Mrs. Twinkacetti mimics Mr.
Twinkacetti's growl romantically. "Edwina," Mr. Twinkacetti says
softly, and he dances back into the office. Mrs. Twinkacetti turns to
Balki and Larry. "Uh, thank you for all you did. I know there’s a side of
Donald that
you never see and I hadn’t seen it in a long time, either, but . . . last night made
me realize the Donald I fell in love with is still there. After sixteen
years of marriage, I’m not gonna give up on him." Mr. Twinkacetti’s hand
reaches out from the office and motions for her to join him in the office, which
she does. The office door closes behind them. "Well, you
said it . . . it don't help when you butt in," Balki reminds Larry.
"Okay," Larry admits, getting their coats which they put on, "I
was wrong, you were right. I guess sometimes the only way to help out is
to butt in." The sound of a saxophone being played very badly comes
from inside the office. "Do you hear that?" Larry asks, "That’s the sound of
love." "Imagine what hate sounds like," Balki comments.
"Well, you know what they say," Larry chides, "even bad sax is
better than no sax at all." Larry laughs at his own pun but Balki just
stares at him blankly. Larry shakes his head and they leave the store.
Script variations:
There are notable
differences between the first draft of the script dated October 16, 1986 and the
final episode:
- When
Larry and Balki come into the store at the beginning Balki sings "Oh What a
Beautiful Morning" from Okalahoma! instead of the Mr. Roger's theme
song. Larry crosses to the register as Balki tries to open the window
shade, only its stuck. "Cousin Larry, this shade is
broken." Larry walks over to the shade, saying, "It's not
broken. It's just a little tricky. You just give it a little
snap." Balki asks, "You want me to watch and learn?"
Larry says "Yes" and tugs at the shade, which doesn't move.
After a couple of tugs he pulls harder and the shade falls off the door
completely. "I see," says Balki, "It's all in the
wrist." "Nobody likes a smart-alecky shepherd," Larry
warns.
- When
they hear someone in the office Larry picks up the baseball bat but Balki picks
up a frisbee. "Great, we're safe as long as it's a Golden
Retriever," Larry says sarcastically. When Twinkacetti comes out of
the office Balki bounces the frisbee off the man's head.
- Instead
of saying he missed 16 years worth of anniversaries, Twinkacetti claims only 15
years count since you don't include the wedding day itself. This was
probably changed since logically it doesn't make sense (the first anniversary is
one year after the wedding day).
- After
Balki says "Nobody's perfect" Twinkacetti says "What is it with
women, anyway? They're so sensitive. One day everything is fine, the
next day you're sleeping on a roll-top desk." "Yeah.
Sixteen years of unfailing devotion and they turn on you," Larry says
sarcastically.
- After
Edwina Twinkacetti points out all the reasons why she's fed up with her husband
she says, "In sixteen years, I've asked for very little."
"And that's what I've always given you," Mr. Twinkacetti points out,
"What's the problem?"
- After
Mrs. Twinkacetti leaves the store Mr. Twinkacetti says, "I . . . I can't
believe it. I thought we'd work it out the way we always do. You
know, I'd promise to change, she'd fall for it . . . " Balki then
says "They say that breaking up is hard to do. Now I know, I know
that it's true."
- Instead
of saying "All my friends know me," Twinkacetti says, "All my
friends are her friends and they hate me." Balki then suggests,
"You should stay with us until you know which end is up."
- Instead
of both cousins cooking in the kitchen Larry is cooking while Balki is setting
the table. After Larry's Godzilla comment Balki says "You're
certainly not overflowing with goat's milk of human kindness." Larry
says "We're going all out for a man who'd sell his own mother for a bag of
beer nuts." After Balki says they need to get the Twinkacettis
together again Larry observes "Balki, rule of thumb. Never step
between fighting dogs. They'll either work it out, or they won't.
But we stay out of it." Balki's "Pepski" line is not yet in
the script.
- Here
the script is different in the sense that it's Larry who asks Mrs. Twinkacetti
if he would like to reflect on his feelings. Twinkacetti then suggests
going through the cable channels to look for nudity. Balki then tries,
asking "Is this the same broken man who only this afternoon was
heart-broken that his wife was leaving him?" Twinkacetti casually
says, "No. That man was a spineless wimp. But me, I'm happy,
I'm on top of the world . . . " Mr. Twinkacetti, of his own volition,
breaks down suddenly. "My life has turned to garbage!" He
continues to cry as Balki says, "That's it. Now don't you feel
better?" Then Balki turns to Larry and says, "Aren't you glad we
got involved?"
- There
is a scene break here where Mr. Twinkacetti is in the bathroom crying and Larry
is standing outside the door asking if he's okay. Larry goes back to the
living room and moans, "This has been the longest, most miserable evening
of my life. And I've lived a life filled with miserable
evenings." Balki asks how they're going to help their boss' marriage
and Larry still insists they are not going to get involved. Balki says
it's their duty to help their friend. It's here that Larry comments on how
Twinkacetti tried to have Balki deported for giving the correct change to a
blind man and Balki says he never said Twinkacetti was a saint.
Twinkacetti emerges from the bathroom and it's here he mentions that it's going
to be great living together even if it takes a few months. He then exits
to Larry's bedroom and the scene ends the same as in the episode except Balki
doesn't have a line after Larry says "We have to save this marriage!"
-
When Larry is on the phone with Mrs. Twinkacetti the bit about Mr. Twinkacetti
"changing" is not in this script version. When Larry tells Balki
that Mrs. Twinkacetti agreed to talk to her husband Balki says, "You see,
she still sees the good in him. Why can't you?" Twinkacetti
exits Larry's bedroom and tells Larry that he read his diary and "You're a
sick man." Larry says to Balki, "That's why."
- In
telling Twinkacetti the news, Balki says, "Your wife has agreed to talk to
you before taking you to the Laundromat." "Cleaners," Larry
corrects.
-
Larry and Balki equally emphasize Twinkacetti's need to be romantic and to prove
he's changed. Larry suggests "You've got to prove to your wife you've
changed. You've got to make this night the essence of romance."
"Romance?" Twinkacetti asks. "You know," Balki starts,
"Poetry, flowers . . .chubby little angels with bows and
arrows." Twinkacetti responds "I
don't know. I want her back but the only poetry I ever wrote was on the
wall of a men's room."
-
In trying to decide where to set the romantic evening with Mrs. Twinkacetti
Balki asks where the couple first met. "I picked her up in an
orthopedic shoe store," Twinkacetti explains. "We both have bad
arches." "I wondered what you had in common," Larry
muses. "But that's not quite romantic enough." "Where
did you ask her to marry you?" Balki asks. "At a Jerry Lewis
film festival," Twinkacetti answers. "I think we'd just seen The
Nutty Professor. I remember, I polished off her Raisinettes, stuck my gum
under her seat and popped the question." "That's
beautiful," Balki reacts, "except for the gum under the seat.
That's disgusting."
- Larry
suggests acting out how Twinkacetti should treat his wife and suggests playing
Twinkacetti himself. Balki sulks, saying "I want to be Mr.
Twinkacetti." Larry insists, "I have to be Mr. Twinkacetti.
I know more about women." Twinkacetti interrupts, saying "I read
your diary. Let the turnip be me."
- Once
Balki and Larry have demonstrated how Twinkacetti should act with his wife they
ask him to try it with Larry playing Edwina. Mr. Twinkacetti is
uncomfortable, saying the way they talked is not how he talks. "Just
put it in your own words, Larry suggests. Twinkacetti starts with "Hi
sweet cheeks. Why don't you park it right here?" Balki, who is
observing, says "Po po po. I don't even know what you said, and it
didn't sound good." Twinkacetti then suggests the guys come to the
restaurant with him and sit at another table to give him the high sign if he
messes up. He says he's on his knees but Balki points out he's not.
Twinkacetti gets on his knees and begs them and they agree, but Larry clarifies
"But we're only lending you moral support. You have to win Mrs.
Twinkacetti back yourself, legitimately." "Legitimately,
huh?" Twinkacetti asks sincerely. "Well, it's not my style . . .
but I'll give it a shot."
- The
scene at Tony's Mambo Room starts more quickly with Twinkacetti and the guys
only exchanging a few lines with the guys reminding him to compliment his
wife. They hide at the next table as Mrs. Twinkacetti enters.
Twinkacetti starts with "Hi, sweet cheeks. Why don't you park it
right . . . " He quickly stop and changes it to "I mean, have a
seat, sugarplum." He wants to see Balki and Larry at the next table
so he asks his wife to move a little to her right, adding "That way the
light will make your hair glimmer."
-
In this script version Mr. Twinkacetti praises his wife's looks and she is
flattered by it. He wants to start by complimenting her eyes but can't
think of what to say so he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and asks Balki
and Larry what he can say. Balki gives him the line about her eyes
reminding him of moonlit pools on a warm summer night. Twinkacetti says
"Are you serious?" Balki adds, "And also that her smile
lights up the room." Larry interrupts, saying "Wait a
minute. Balki, I'm all for romance, but don't you think that's just a bit
. . . corny?" Balki speaks assuredly, saying "Mrs. Twinkacetti
has beautiful eyes and her smile does light up the room!"
- Upon
returning to the table Mr. Twinkacetti compliments his wife on her eyes and
smile and she's very flattered. He then compliments her dress, asking if
it's new. "As a matter of fact, I bought it today," she
explains, then decides to test him. "And it only cost two hundred
dollars." Twinkacetti starts to snap, then off Balki and Larry's
signals he holds back, saying painfully "Well, you can't put a price tag on
beauty." Mrs. Twinkacetti tests him further. "And this
necklace? Only one hundred and fifty." Twinkacetti gets up and
excuses himself again. "Maybe you should take it easy on the
liquids," his wife suggests. Twinkacetti goes to Balki and Larry's
table to complain about the amount of money she spent to look good. Larry
asks if his marriage isn't worth two hundred fifty dollars. Twinkacetti
agrees it is and goes back again.
- Back
at the table Twinkacetti apologizes for the delay, saying there was a long
line. It's here that he makes the mistake in telling his wife why he
brought her to Tony's Mambo Room. The rest of the scene is the same except
that before Mr Twinkacetti leaves the restaurant he suggests Balki and Larry
should start looking for other jobs. "I'd hate to do it, but seeing
you might bring back painful memories." He leaves and Larry is
frustrated, asking why he ever listened to Balki about getting involved.
Balki tells Larry that things could always be worse. The Maitre D'
approaches their table, saying "The short squat gentleman said you were
paying the check."
-
The last scene plays out much the same except when Mrs. Twinkacetti explains
that Donald was under her window at three a.m. with eggrolls and his saxophone
Larry notes "Wait a minute, didn't it rain last night?"
"That's how I knew he was serious," Mrs. Twinkacetti explains.
"You try playing 'Stranger on the Shore' with a sax full of
rainwater," Mr. Twinkacetti adds. Mrs. Twinkacetti is the one to
suggest the boys get the day off and the store doesn't have to open and further
recommends giving them full pay for the day as well. As they're getting
ready to leave, Larry comments "Gee, who'd ever put that man and that woman
together? They're so different." "Well, who'd have ever
put you and me together?" Balki asks. "We're pretty opposite
ourselves." "I guess sometimes it works out with
opposites," Larry concludes. The scene finishes with the "bad
sax is better than no sax" line.
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