Nielsen Rating: 15.7 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 17 - A Christmas Story
First Air Date: December 17, 1986
Nielsen Rating: 15.7 HH
TV Guide Description: Larry is crestfallen when a blizzard closes the airport and strands the guys in Chicago on Christmas Eve.
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Dale McRaven
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Ernie Sabella: Mr. Donald Twinkacetti
Belita Moreno: Mrs. Edwina Twinkacetti
Guest Cast:
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Jay Gerber: Marvin (Christmas tree salesman)
Erica Gayle: Marie Twinkacetti
Matthew Licht: Donnie Twinkacetti
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can first be
seen sitting on the chair by the sofa wearing a thick white wool coat. He is
later sitting on the partition to the kitchen wearing glasses and Balki picks
him up and carries him out the door when they decide to try driving instead.
Finally Dimitri can be seen sitting just behind the Christmas tree in front of
the stereo with a little package in front of him in the final scenes.
Balki-isms:
"Five onion rings!"
"On Dancer, on Prancer and on Donna
Dixon! On Comet, on Cupid, on Reagan, on Nixon!"
"I’m busting my buttocks trying to
make a nice Christmas for you and all I get is Bah Hamburger."
"You’re acting just like Ebenezer
Stooge."
" . . . when the table’s
upside-down you act like a big baby."
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"This is America . . . "
"Yes! Yes!"
"Now you’re making Balki mad."
Other running jokes used in this episode:
- Balki watches television and comments on it
- Balki picks up Larry and carries him
around
- Mary Anne giving Balki a back-breaking
kiss (first time)
Songs: "The Twelve Days of
Christmas" - sung by everyone (except Mr. Twinkacetti) at the Ritz Discount
Christmas Party
"Over the River and Through the
Woods" - sung by Larry as they head out the door to attempt to drive to
Madison
"The First Noel" - sung by carolers on the street outside the
apartment
Notable Moments:
Balki makes and gives Larry the tapestry which would later hang in their house.
Interesting facts:
- By far, this
episode is the one that seems to really touch people and watching it has become a
yearly Christmas tradition for many fans. There is something very familiar
about being unable to get home for Christmas and not being with family for the
holidays that goes straight to one’s heart. So many people can also relate to Larry’s
story about the potholder and the meaning behind a truly thoughtful gift. It
is
also one of the few Christmas-themed sitcoms to address the true
meaning of Christmas and reference the birth of Jesus directly in a very sweet
and open-minded way.
- One of the reasons the
character development is so strong in this episode is because it was penned by series creator Dale
McRaven.
- This is the second and last time the
Twinkacetti children, Donnie and Marie, would be seen.
- The snow effects on the transition shots
of the building were added on to the regular stock footage usually used . . .
either with a matte painting effect superimposed over the original footage
(notice the lack of snow laying on the lower half of the frame where movement is
taking place).
- When Balki comments that "That’s
no angel . . . that’s Little Jo Cartwright!" he’s referring to the
series Highway to Heaven starring Michael Landon (who played Little Jo
Cartwright on Bonanza years before). The funny thing about this is that
Highway to Heaven aired on NBC opposite Perfect Strangers on ABC, so
Balki watching that show while it was actually on was especially funny. In
addition, the music playing that is supposed to be on the television is
incidental music used often on Perfect Strangers (one example was when
Balki hits the baseball in The Unnatural).
- During the first scene in the apartment
there is instrumental Christmas music playing in the background until just after
the girls enter. It was unusual for background music to be used in such a way in
this series but it adds a nice effect as Balki and Larry reminisce about how important Christmas
has been to them.
- Rebeca and Bronson worked out a way in
which she could give him such a back bending kiss while he could still hold his
own weight (note the position of Bronson's right leg acting as support).
However in one article Rebeca explained how when they went to shoot the scene in
front of the studio audience they fell right over, and her ski suit was so tight
she couldn't stand back up again! "Now it never fails," she
explained, "that whenever Bronson and I kiss, we start laughing."
- Larry’s sister Elaine is again
mentioned in this episode. She would be making an appearance in person later in
this season.
- This is one of the few episodes in which
we get to see Larry’s red Ford Mustang featured so prominently in the opening
credits.
- Balki Clause made a brief appearance (sans
costume) in the first season episode Check This and would make another
appearance in the fourth season Christmas episode The Gift of the Mypiot.
- Balki’s reference to actress Donna
Dixon is particular cute since she starred in Bosom Buddies which was
another popular Miller / Boyett series.
- In the final scene when Larry tells the
story about the potholder the angle goes from a medium shot to a close up.
If
you look closely you can see this was achieved by simply using the original
medium shot footage and technically zooming in on it, which is why the shot
seems slightly grainy. It’s likely that this was done to focus on Mark’s
performance and create a more intimate moment when a close up take was not
available for editing.
- This episode ends with Balki and Larry looking
out the window at some Christmas carolers. The shot is filmed through the
fire escape from the outside. This was one of several times a sentimental
episode ended with a final shot looking in from outside.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- When the girls first arrived you can see the
shadow of one of the cameras moving left to the very far left of the
screen. (Spotted by Cousin Quidget)
- When Larry dials the phone for the bus
company he punches in eight numbers instead of seven (maybe he had to dial a
"1" first?).
- In the scene outside the Christmas tree
lot when Larry is sitting in his car he doesn’t have snow in his hair for the
long shots but in the close up his hair is covered with snow. In the same
shot, when Balki says, "Let's go home," his lips aren't moving at
all. This dialogue was either taken from another shot or recorded in
later.
- When Balki and Larry decide to try
driving to Madison Balki has Dimitri with him. They abandon the car and take
nothing away from it when they leave and yet Dimitri is sitting in the apartment
during the final scenes. How did Dimitri get back to the apartment? (Note they
also leave the car sitting there with its driver’s side window still open!)
- The tapestry which Balki made for Larry
would later turn up in the episode Sexual Harassment in Chicago where Balki
would say it was made by his sister. It was later hung in the house the
characters shared in the last couple of seasons, displayed prominently next to
the staircase.
- Larry seems to have nothing but fond memories of
Christmas with his family in Madison. And yet in the final episode of the
seventh season, Get Me to the Dump on Time, Larry recounts being
traumatized by not being woken up for Christmas by the rest of his family and
missing the festivities one year. Maybe he blocked this incident from his
mind or perhaps his anxiety about missing Christmas in Madison in this episode
stems from that incident. Only a television character psychiatrist (or a
good continuity person) could tell for sure!
Synopsis:
The episode begins at the Ritz Discount
store’s Christmas party, which is a small gathering of Twinkacetti’s family
plus
Balki, 
Larry, Jennifer, Mary Anne,
and four unidentified men and one woman. Everyone is
gathered around a small table with refreshments and are singing "The Twelve Days
of Christmas." "Seven swans a swimming," Mrs. Twinkacetti
sings, then she points to people to sing each line in order. "Six
geese a laying," Mary Anne sings. "Five onion rings!" Balki
sings. "Four calling birds," Larry sings. "Three
French hens," Jennifer sings. Mrs. Twinkacetti points to Mr.
Twinkacetti, who is standing glumly with a black eye and doesn't bother singing
the next line. "And a partridge in a pear tree!" everyone
finishes together. "Um . . . on behalf of Donald and myself and our
children, Donnie and Marie, we'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a
happy and a healthy new year," Mrs. Twinkacetti says sincerely.
Everyone clinks their plastic cups full of punch. "All right, all
right," Mr. Twinkacetti growls, "You've had your fun, you've had your
food, the party's over. Appleton, you and the turnip clean up."
"We'll put the food away," Jennifer offers as she and Mary Anne help.
Mr. Twinkacetti walks to the counter and
Mrs. Twinkacetti follows him. "I think it was a lovely party, don't
you?" she asks. "I don't 
even
like these people," Mr. Twinkacetti complains, "And you spend a
hundred dollars feeding them meat!" Donnie and Marie are near the
front door playing with some
store merchandise. "Donnie and Marie, put that stuff down and get in
the car!" Mr. Twinkacetti yells. "Oh yeah? Try and make us!" Donnie challenges.
The children run out the front door and Mr. Twinkacetti chases after them,
yelling, "That's it! That's it! No presents! No
candy!" Mrs. Twinkacetti approaches Balki and Larry.
"Boys, I'd like to thank you for working so hard all year," she says,
handing them each an envelope, "and, I uh . . . want to apologize for my
husband. He really wasn't mugged on the way from the bank with your
Christmas bonuses." "Then who give him that black eye?"
Balki asks. Mrs. Twinkacetti laughs uncomfortably and says, "Never
mind about that. Uh . . . Merry Christmas, boys!" "Merry
Christmas! Thank you!" Larry and Balki reply as she walks out the
door.
"Boy! A Christmas bonus!"
Balki smiles with some confusion, "I can always use another
envelope." "Balki, there's money 
inside,"
Larry explains. "Money?"
Balki asks excitedly, "And . . . and Mr. Twinkacetti just said we could . .
. we could leave off
work ten minutes early. When will it all stop?" "Balki, it
only gets better," Larry promises, "You haven't seen anything
yet. Wait 'til we get to Madison. My Mom will open the front door
and there'll be the smell of . . . " " . . . hot apple cider on
the stove," Balki finishes for him, then continues as Larry tries to tell
it, " . . . and date nut bread baking in the oven."
"Right," Larry says, "There'll be a roaring . . . "
" . . . roaring fire in the fireplace and the whole family will be standing
around the piano singing carols," Balki fills in. "I guess I've
talked about Christmas in Madison a lot," Larry surmises. "Only since June," Balki
confirms, "But I like hearing about it." Larry puts an arm
around Balki's shoulder and says, "Balki, I have a feeling this is going to
be the best Christmas ever." "I can't wait," Balki smiles.
We see the apartment building and it has
started to snow outside. Balki and Larry are packing for their trip,
although Balki is watching television as well. "Give me a
break . . . that’s no angel!" Balki scoffs, "That’s Little Jo Cartwright!"
Balki starts to tie up 
his
knapsack when he happens to look out the window. "Snow!" he
gasps, running to look, "Cousin, come and look!" "In a
minute!" Larry calls, walking from the bathroom to his bedroom. Balki
runs into Larry's bedroom, calling, "Come and look! Come and
look! Come and look!" Balki picks up Larry around the middle
and carries him to the living room window, setting him down to look at the
snow. "Isn't it beautiful?" Balki asks. "If you think
this is good, wait'll you see the snow in Madison," Larry says. Larry
walks to the kitchen to pour out some hot cocoa from a pan on the stove.
"I can't believe even the snow is better in Madison," Balki says,
sitting at the window. "Oh yeah," Larry says, "You're gonna
love Christmas morning. My Mom always tries to trick us by setting the
clocks back but you can't fool nine kids. Oh! And do you know what
this year is?" Larry hands Balki a cup of cocoa as Balki guesses,
"1986?"
"Well, yes . . . it is," Larry
nods, "What I meant was this year . . . I'm the Christmas Boy."
"Well, of course you are. Don't be ridiculous," Balki agrees,
then asks, "What is that?" "It's my turn to hand out the
presents," Larry explains, "I've waited nine 
years
for it to be my turn again." Larry and Balki walk to the couch and
sit down. "Boy, I love Christmas with my family," Larry
smiles. "This is the . . . the first Christmas I'm going to be away
from my family," Balki notes, "and, uh . . . I'm going to miss my little nieces and nephews laughing and the smell of baklava in
the kitchen and the joy of decorating the Christmas turtle."
"Well, of course you're gonna miss all that," Larry says
sympathetically, "Anyone would." After a moment, Larry asks, "Did you say Christmas
turtle?" "Well, of course," Balki replies, "On Mypos,
at Christmas the whole family goes down to the seashore and we catch a big sea
turtle and we bring it home and we decorate with, eh . . . glass balls and, eh .
. . angels and little strips of tin foil, but you wouldn’t know about those
things. Anyway . . . the day after Christmas we take him back and put him
in the ocean and he swim away. But . . . the same turtle keeps coming back
to us every Christmas and . . . I’m gonna miss Bernie."
"You know what I can't
understand," Balki continues, "Why do American decorate trees instead
of turtles?" "Well, one good 
reason
is a
tree won’t slowly crawl out of the living room," Larry explains. "That’s what the Christmas lettuce is for," Balki
says, "I'm gonna miss those things." "Well hey,
buddy," Larry sighs, "I know Christmas isn't gonna be the same for you
but it can be just as good. Sometimes you have to adjust to the changes in
your life and move on." Balki sighs and nods. "Thank you
for inviting me to share your Christmas." "Well, I wouldn't have
it any other way," Larry assures him. There is a knock on the
door. "Come in!" Larry calls as he and Balki set down their cups
on the coffee table and head for the door. Jennifer and Mary Anne enter
and stand in the doorway. "Hi," Jennifer says, "We're on
our way. We just thought we'd say goodbye." "Well, have a
wonderful trip," Larry offers. "Oh, we will!" Jennifer
says, "With the storm coming in the skiing's gonna be terrific."
"Yeah, I always heard it was better with snow," Mary Anne adds.
"Have a Merry Christmas,"
Jennifer smiles and turns to leave with Mary Anne. "No, hold
it! You can't go yet!" Larry stops them, 
then
points to the doorway above where a sprig of mistletoe is hanging, "It's,
uh . . . mistletoe." The girls giggle shyly. Larry kisses Mary Anne very
sweetly then turns to Jennifer, bending her over backwards in a kiss that leaves
them both stunned and speechless. Larry motions that it’s Balki’s turn and
Balki sweetly kisses Jennifer on the cheek. He turns to Mary Anne, who bends him
over backwards in a passionate kiss. "Merry Christmas!" Mary Anne says
cheerfully and the girls leave while the guys remain stunned. "How did
you make that happen?" Balki finally asks. "Mistletoe,"
Larry points out, "It's an old tradition. You hang it over the door
and women have to kiss you." "What a gimmick!" Balki
smiles, "Why don’t we hang it up all year long?" "Unfortunately,
it only works at Christmas," Larry explains. "Then I’m takin’ it
with us!" Balki says, reaching up to take it down.
"Well,
you all packed?" Larry asks. "Let’s go to Madison!" Balki says excitedly.
"All right," Larry says, closing the front door, "Let me call
first. No point in sitting at the airport if our plane is
late." Balki starts setting their bags by the front door as Larry
dials the phone. "Hi, yes. I'm just calling to be sure that
flight twelve to Madison is on time," Larry says into the receiver.
After a moment he looks startled and says, "What? W . . . what are
you talking about? Well, yeah . . . yeah, but . . . but it's Christmas
Eve! People have places to go, I . . . yeah, well sure. Merry
Christmas." Larry hangs up the phone as Balki approaches, holding
their coats. "What is it?" Balki asks. "The airport
is snowed in," Larry replies. "Is that bad?" Balki
asks. "Our flight's been canceled," Larry explains, "We can’t get home for Christmas!"
On their shocked looks the scene fades to black.
Act
two begins a short time later. Larry is on the phone outside the kitchen
with his mom in Madison explaining the situation. Balki is standing next
to him holding a phone book. "Hello, Mom? It's
Larry." "Hi, Mrs. Appleton!" Balki calls out.
"That's Balki," Larry explains, "Mom we . . . " He
pauses and looks to Balki, telling him, "She says hello." In the
receiver, he continues, "Mom, the airport is closed but don't worry.
We'll be there, I promise. It'll just be a little later. Mom,
please, whatever you do . . . don't let anyone else be the Christmas Boy.
Especially Elaine. You know how much she loves to . . . . Elaine, get off
the extension! All . . . all right, Mom. I'll see you as soon as I
can. Yeah, love you, too." Larry hangs up the
phone. "Cousin, I found the bus company," Balki reports,
"It really is easier when you let your fingers do the walking."
Balki walks his fingers across the book.
Larry picks up the phone receiver and
dials the number. "Balki, we're gonna get there," Larry
promises, then when someone 
picks
up the phone he says, "Yeah, hi. I need your . . . hmm? Yeah,
Merry Christmas to you, too. I need your next bus to Madison. The
road is closed? What do you mean a blizzard?" After a moment
Larry insists, "I know what a blizzard is!" and hangs up the
receiver. "Cousin, we're running out of ways to get there,"
Balki says worriedly, "What we going to do?" "Balki, we're
going to get there," Larry insists, looking in the phone book, "This
is America. We have one of the most sophisticated transportation systems
in the world." Larry dials the phone again and when someone picks up
he says, "Hi, I'd like to rent a snowplow. What do you mean you've
given them all to the police? Your . . . your . . . your ad says 'Serving
the public for over forty years.' I am the public!
What? Yes . . . hello? Hello?" Larry hangs up the fine
and sighs, "Great. If I don't get home, Elaine is gonna get to hand
out the presents. And it won't be my turn again until 1995! There's
got to be a way to get there!"
Balki thinks about it, then says,
"Too bad we can't just take your car." "Hmm," Larry
hums, and then they look at each other, 
Larry
shouting, "Yes! Yes! I've got three hundred dollars
worth of snow tires on my car! Of course! We'll just drive
there!" "But . . . but Cousin, if the . . . if the plane and the
bus can't get there, how you going to get through with a car?" Balki asks
as they gather their bags. "Balki, blizzards stop wimps," Larry
says, "Not men like us! Men with a mission! Just think . . .
there'll be no traffic, we'll just breeze on in." "Okay, let's
breeze," Balki agrees, picking up the last bag. They head for the
door. "Are you sure we can make it?" Balki asks. "Of
course we can make it," Larry insists, "It's just snow!"
"Right! It's just snow!" Balki agrees. Larry opens the
door and they leave as he sings, "Over the river and through the woods, to Appleton's house we go . .
. . "
In
the next scene we see Larry's Mustang rolling slowly through the snow as Balki
attempts to push it. But Balki's feet are slipping on the snow and they
aren't going very far. "Come on!" Larry shouts encouragement,
"Come on, Balki! Balki, what are you doing? Don't stop
now! Push harder!" Balki stops pushing and walks to the
driver's side window to ask, "Why am I doing all the pushing?"
"Because I'm the better driver," Larry explains. "Is that
why we're on the sidewalk?" Balki asks, "This car isn't going anywhere
'til Spring. Let's go home." "I can't believe this
is happening to me," Larry complains as he climbs out of the car and kicks
at the tires angrily, saying, "And they call these snow tires!"
"Look, a Christmas tree store!" Balki points out, motioning to the lot
behind them. "What good is that gonna do us?" Larry asks.
"Well, we're not going to get to Madison so we're going to have to have our
Christmas right here in Chicago," Balki notes. "I don't see
how," Larry whines. "Just watch," Balki says.
Balki
and Larry walk onto the lot and knock on the door of a mobile home there.
A man named Marvin opens the door with a napkin tucked in the collar of his
shirt and a turkey drumstick in his hand. "Yeah?" he asks.
"We want a tree," Balki explains. "What, are you
kidding?" Marvin asks, "I sold the last one four hours ago. I'm
havin' dinner." "Come on, Balki," Larry says, "The
man's eating." "Please, I want a tree," Balki
repeats. A woman's voice calls out from inside the mobile home, saying,
"Marvin! In or out, just close the door!" Marvin
steps out into the cold and closes the door behind him, commenting, "I knew
we should never have moved in with her mother. Look guys, I'd like to help
ya but I got nothin' here." "What about that tree?" Balki
asks, and he hurries over to a dumpster and pulls out a sparse, sickly-looking
tree. "Balki, when they chopped that tree down it was a mercy
killing," Larry comments.
"I think it will perk up once we put
it in water," Balki says hopefully. "Oh right . . . let’s buy it and throw it in Lake
Michigan!" Larry suggests. "You’re in a bad mood, aren’t
you?" Marvin asks Larry. "He’s leaning in that direction,"
Balki confirms. "Look, you 
guys
want this tree, you got it. It's yours," Marvin says, "I'm
freezin' to death out here!" Marvin hurries back into the mobile home
and Balki says, "Thank you!" "Balki . . . this'll never be
a Christmas tree," Larry sighs. "Cousin, it's not perfect but .
. . but it will be pretty when it's decorated," Balki smiles.
"No matter what we do, it's not gonna be Christmas," Larry says sadly,
"It's just not there." "What's not there?" Balki
asks. "The Christmas feeling," Larry explains.
"Cousin, you're going to get the Christmas feeling when we take this home
and decorate it, it'll be beautiful," Balki promises, "You'll
see." "Fine. You do that," Larry says, "Have
yourself a merry, little Christmas. I'm going for a walk."
"I'm going with you," Balki says. "No . . . I wanna be
alone," Larry insists. Larry pulls the hood of his coat up over his
head and walks around the corner of the lot while Balki takes the tree and heads
for home.
It’s already dark when Larry
returns to the apartment. His coat is covered with snow. He looks
around to see that Balki has put 
up
cheap Christmas decorations all around. A fire is burning in the
fireplace. The shabby little tree stands decorated by the window.
Larry takes off his coat and walks to the closet to hang it up. When he
opens the door, Balki pops out, dressed as Santa Claus. "Ho!
Ho! Ho!" Balki exclaims, "I'm Balki Claus! Merry
Christmas!" Balki suddenly looks serious, and starts to recite,
"It was the night before Christmas, and all through the house . . .
" Larry shuts the closet door and throws his coat over the chair,
looking frustrated. After a moment, Larry gives in and opens the closet
door. Balki continues "The Night Before Christmas" without
missing a beat. " . . . not a creature was stirring, not even a
mouse." Stepping out of the closet to walk to the back of the couch,
it's clear Balki has something bulky stuck under his coat for the belly.
"When what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a little, tiny sleigh and
eight tiny reindeer." Balki kneels down behind the couch and mimes
the reindeer running with his hands.
"On Dancer, on Prancer and on Donna
Dixon!" Balki continues, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Reagan, on
Nixon!" Larry watches this 
with
an unhappy expression. "Feel free to jump in any time!" Balki
encourages. "Where did you get that Santa suit?" Larry
asks. "The same place I got all these great decorations," Balki
answers, leading Larry to the tree, "Downstairs in our very own Ritz
Discount Store. Look! What do you think?" "I think the proper thing to do is to cover the tree with
a sheet," Larry says, "Let it rest in peace." "Cousin,
it's no Christmas turtle but wait 'til I turn on the lights," Balki says,
then tells Larry, "Cover your eyes." Balki walks behind the
counter to turn on the lights. Larry is just standing there.
"Cover," Balki urges, motioning for Larry to cover his eyes,
"Cover." Larry sighs and puts a hand over his eyes. Balki
plugs in the lights and they start to flicker. "Okay, okay!"
Balki says. Larry looks at the tree just as the lights give a final
flicker and go out. Balki jiggles the plug, then walks over to the tree to
check.
"The . . . the lights don't
work," Balki notes, fiddling with the bulbs. "They always work
in Madison," Larry sighs, turning away. 
"Okay,
wait, wait!" Balki says, stepping to the kitchen table which is covered
with a sheet, "There's more! I finally found a food store that's open
on Christmas Eve! We're going to have a big Christmas dinner after
all!" Balki removes the sheet with a flourish, "We've got potato
knishes, gefilte fish, matzo ball soup and brisket." "I'm not
hungry," Larry states, walking away. "Okay, we sing Christmas
carols!" Balki suggests. "I don't feel like singing," Larry
insists. "Okay, we'll string popcorn," Balki tries, "We do
any of the things you do in Madison." "Balki, you want to do
something to help me celebrate Christmas?" Larry asks. "More
than anything in the world," Balki assures him. "Then leave me
alone," Larry states, and he stands in front of the fireplace with his arms
crossed, looking sullen.
"Okay . . . now you’re making Balki
mad," Balki warns, taking off the Santa hat and beard, "I am
busting my buttocks trying to 
make
a nice Christmas for you . . . and all I get is bah hamburger." Balki
opens the front of the Santa suit to reveal he has the cushion from the chairs
stuck into his pants. He takes it out and puts it back on the chair.
"You're acting just like Ebenezer Stooge," Balki scolds, "I'm
sorry you can't have Christmas at home with your family. What about
me? You think I don't miss Christmas on Mypos with my family? Passing the Christmas bota bag .
. . roasting radishes over an open fire." "Roasting
radishes?" Larry asks. "You're the one that told me that . . .
that I have to adjust to changes in my life and move on. You
give real good advice but when the table’s upside-down you act like a big
baby. Maybe it’s time you grow up." "I don’t wanna," Larry
pouts. "Well, you’re gonna have-tuh," Balki states, "Just
because this Christmas is . . . is different doesn't mean it can't be
good. And that’s another thing you told me. Why am I telling this to
you?"
"Balki, I know what you're saying and
I know it's true, but it's just not that easy to let it go," Larry
explains, walking to the couch 
and
sitting down, "Maybe you can and . . . and I admire you for that but I
can't. It . . . it just doesn’t
feel like Christmas." Balki kneels down next to Larry and suggests
gently, "Okay . . . maybe the feeling will come if we open
presents." "No, no, no, we always open the presents on
Christmas morning," Larry whines. Balki grabs Larry by the shirt roughly
and pulls Larry's face to his. "Look!" Balki snarls, "I’m Santa Claus and I say we open the
presents now!" "Okay," Larry agrees.
Balki lets go of Larry's shirt and smiles, then says, "You can be the
Christmas Boy!" Larry smiles like a happy little kid, and walks to
the tree to get a big package which he sets on the coffee table in front of
Balki, who has moved to sit on the couch. "That's yours," Larry
explains, as Balki looks excited. Larry then gets a small, bundled package
from under the tree and sets it on the coffee table as well, sitting on the
couch again. Balki is anxiously shaking his hand, ready to open his
present. "You go first," Larry says. "Okay,"
Balki agrees, then adds, "I was hoping you'd say that."
Balki unties the ribbon and opens the box,
looking thrilled. "Oh!" he gasps, as he sets the box on the
floor and pulls out a boom 
box,
"A home entertainment center!" Larry points that
there’s something more in the box and Balki reaches in to pull out a cassette
tape. "And . . . a Wayne Newton tape! You read my
letter to Santa!" "Well, yeah, I did," Larry admits.
"Thank you," Balki offers sincerely. "You're welcome,"
Larry smiles. Balki motions for Larry to open his gift. Larry pulls
the tie from the package and opens it, reaching in to pull out a beautiful tapestry.
"Balki, this is beautiful," Larry says in awe. "I make it
myself," Balki says. "You made this?" Larry asks in amazement.
"I started it the night I come here to America and you took me in,"
Balki explains, "And every night after you go to sleep I work on it for one
hour. So . . . happy birthday." Larry looks at Balki in
confusion. "That’s what
we say on Mypos . . . because Christmas is not just Christmas turtles and presents it’s
also the birthday of baby Jesus." "Yeah, I guess I . . . forgot that,
too," Larry admits. "Well, the sheepherders never forget it,"
Balki says, "We were the first ones to get the news, you know."
"Thank
you, Balki, thank you very much," Larry says sincerely. Balki notices
that Larry's eyes are tearing and asks, "Are you okay?" "Yeah,"
Larry says, "I was just remembering a . . . a Christmas when I was six years old.
It
was the first time that I realized that my dad buying presents for my mom and
saying they were from me wasn’t enough. I . . . I wanted to get her something myself
but I didn’t have any money. So I made her a . . . a potholder. And it was really
pretty ugly. But when she saw it she . . . she cried and she hugged me and she told me it
was the nicest Christmas present anybody had ever given her. And I didn’t really
understand what she meant . . . ‘til now. Balki, this is the nicest present
anybody’s ever given me." Balki places a hand on Larry's arm.
Larry suddenly brightens and says, "Wait a minute. Something's
happening."
"What?"
Balki asks. "Yes! There it is!" Larry realizes.
"There what is?" Balki asks. "It's the Christmas
feeling," Larry explains, "It's back." Just at that moment,
the lights on the Christmas tree come on and stay on. "The . . . the
Christmas lights come on," Balki observes, "It’s a Christmas miracle!"
"You know, Balki, I thought I was missing Christmas with my
family and my friends," Larry says, "But I’m not. You’re here." They
embrace warmly.
As they part, they hear children caroling singing "The First Noel" outside. They
get up and walk over to open the
window, looking down at the young carolers and sharing a smile with each
other. "Merry Christmas!" Balki offers.
"Happy birthday," Larry adds.
Script Variations:
There are some major differences between the first draft of the script dated
October 8, 1986 and the finished episode:
- The Ritz Discount party only includes the
Twinkacettis, Balki, Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne. It's described as
being super cheap with only a bag of potato chips and two six-packs of soft
drinks for refreshments. Everyone finishes singing Jingle Bells instead of
The Twelve Days of Christmas. After telling Balki and Larry to clean up,
Twinkacetti says to his wife "Come on, Edwina. The quicker we get to
your mother's, the quicker I can hit the egg nog." Edwina sweetly
threatens him with "When I'm ready, Donald." Twinkie becomes
milktoast and says "Didn't mean to rush you, beloved. I'll get the
children in the car." The interaction between him and he kids is the
same but as he's chasing the kids out the door Balki comments "Mr.
Twinkcetti is sure in the Christmas spirit. He can't wait to play with his
children." Larry adds, "Yeah, and he went all out on this
party. A bag of potato chips and a six-pack of discount grape
soda." Mary Anne asks, "When does this party get rolling,
anyway?" "I'm afraid it's already rolled, Mary Anne," Larry
answers. "Oh, was I late?" Mary Anne asks in a disappointed
tone. "No, you were here and having the time of your life,"
Jennifer replies. The girls then leave.
- As Larry is talking about the sights and smells
of the Appleton home at Christmas he adds "Brother Billy crawling under the
tree switching the names on the presents." Balki says "I'm going
to miss my family, too. But it was my choice to come to America, and I
guess I'm going to have to live with it. This confuses Larry. Mary
Anne enters and says "Balki, the radio says there's a snow storm on the way
so we need to get an early start tomorrow." Balki says, "I'll be
ready, Mary Anne." She leaves and Larry asks Balki "What is she
talking about? An early start for what?" "Mary Anne and
Jennifer . . . (pointedly) . . . my closest friends . . . invited me to go
skiing with them. I've never been skiing, but - - Wow! - - this is going
to be some fun." "But . . . you're not going with them,"
Larry says. "You bet your Herbalife I am," Balki answers.
"I can't wait to hit those slopes. I just hope I don't hit them with
my face." Larry is disappointed. "But, I thought you were
coming home with me. I made our plane reservations, I called my
folks. I've talked so much about you they think of you as an adopted
member of the family. They even have a stocking with your name on
it. It was going to be a surprise." "How thoughtful," Balki
comments. "I mean, I guess I can understand why you'd rather go
skiing than go back to Madison Wisconsin with a family you've never met. I
just thought . . . " "Why did you think I was going home with
you?" Balki asks. "We talked about it. Remember, we talked
about how much fun it'd be to get sleds and slide down the hill behind my
house? And we talked about helping to decorate the house with mistletoe
and pine branches . . . " "I remember, and it sounded like
fun. But . . . you never invited me." Larry says, "Now
that's just plain ridiculous." Balki points out, "You never
said, 'Balki, would you like to spend Christmas with me and my
family?" "Of course I did. Remember last month I said . .
. (Balki shakes his head) . . . Well, maybe it wasn't last month. But I
remember a couple of weeks ago . . . (Balki shakes his head) . . . I distinctly
remember . . . (Balki shakes his head again) Will you stop doing
that!" Balki says, "I remember you never said, 'Balki, would you
like to spend Christmas with me?'" Larry says, "Okay, maybe I
never said those exact words, but our conversations were riddled
with heavy insinuations that you were invited. I just assumed . . .
" "On Mypos we have a very strange custom. We never plan
to sleep in someone else's house, unless they invite you. They usually say
something like, 'Balki, would you like . . . ?" Larry finished the
sentence with him: " . . . to spend Christmas with me and my
family?" Balki says, "Well, I don't know. I have plans . .
. with people who actually asked me . . . in advance." "Oh,
don't do this to me," Larry sighs. "What do you want me to
do? Beg?" Balki folds his arms, waiting for Larry to beg.
"Okay. Please, Balki, will you spend Christmas with me and my
family?" Balki says, "I thought you'd never ask. Now we do
the Dance of Joy." And they do the Dance of Joy.
- In this version Balki does not get as excited
when he sees the snow, instead he says "Cousin Larry, we should be leaving
for the airport." Larry assures him they have plenty of time, that he
already has their tickets and seat assignments - - they're sitting next to the
emergency exit - - "and I've ordered kosher food. It's the only thing
they make fresh." When they sit down to reminisce about Christmas
Larry also says "We all run downstairs and there's my dad in his ridiculous
Santa suit. My mom has homemade cinnamon rolls." The girls show
up and Mary Anne says, "It's still not too late to go with us, Balki.
You can sleep on the sofa." "In your room?" Larry asks,
interested. "No," Jennifer answers. Larry points up and
tells the girls there's mistletoe and they get their kisses. After the
girls leave Balki says, "We don't have mistletoe." "I
lied," Larry smiles. "Uh-oh!" Balki says, "Santa's
keeping a list and checking it twice. You're in big trouble. Me, on
the other hand, got free kisses, and I'm on nobody's list." Larry
says, "You know, I feel sorry for Jennifer and Mary Anne. It'll be
fun skiing, but to me, if it isn't Madison, it isn't Christmas."
Balki asks, "Will I get to help decorate the Christmas turtle?"
"Of course you will," Larry answers, then asks,
"Turtle?" "Yes," Balki says, then embarrassed he says,
"Oh, what a dopey guy I am. They've probably already decorated
it." "I doubt that," says Larry. "What's a
Christmas turtle?" Balki look at Larry as if he is crazy.
"You're pulling Balki's hair. The big sea turtle you decorate and put
your presents under. What do you call it?" "I'd call it a
Christmas turtle," Larry agrees. "One we don't do that in this
country. Or any other country in the civilized world. We decorate
trees." "Nooo!" Balki gasps in disbelief. "You
know, I saw that in a movie once. I thought Walt Disney made it up.
Why would you decorate a tree?" "Well, I suppose someone
hundreds of years ago started doing it and it caught on. It's fun. And
a tree won't slowly crawl out of the living room." "Good
point," Balki admits. "Well, it won't be the same. But I
guess if you don't have steak, eat the potatoes." "I was
searching for those very words," Larry says. "Just out of
curiosity, how does it work with a turtle?" Balki then explains about
the Christmas turtle but does not call him Bernie. After saying the turtle
comes back every year he adds, "We don't even have to redecorate."
- In the next scene when Larry is trying to figure
out how to get to Madison he says "That's it! No busses.
Hundreds of people are stuck in the airport with no way out. Hundreds of
people are stuck in the snow on the highways around Madison. Why does
everything happen to me?" Balki is already resigned to having
Christmas in Chicago and says "Christmas is supposed to be a happy time and
you should try not to be so upset." "Upset? Just because
I'm not having Christmas this year? I'm not upset." "Well,
then you're definitely on edge," Balki observes. They hear children
caroling "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" outside on the street as Larry
says, "I'm not on edge!" Larry throws the window open and yells
out, "You kids stop that racket! Not everybody's celebrating
Christmas!" The kids stop singing. Larry adds, "You with
the blonde curls, stop that sniveling." Balki runs to the window and
yells out "Don't listen to him. He's on edge." He turns to
Larry and says, "You should be ashamed of yourself, yelling at
children." "They started it," Larry says.
"You're very cranky," Balki comments. "Okay, I'm cranky,
I'm on edge, I'm upset. Who wouldn't be? I'm missing
Christmas." Balki gets their coats and hands Larry's to him.
"You're throwing me out?" Larry asks. "I'm taking you
out," Balki explains. "We're going to make our own
Christmas."
- Balki takes Larry to the Christmas tree
lot. Larry says, "I don't want to be here. I want to be in
Madison. Right about now they're having the family snowman
contest." "Then we'll make a snowman," Balki says.
"Not the same. The snow here is gritty," Larry says. Most
of the tree buying scene is the same except the salesman doesn't have a nagging
mother-in-law. After Balki gets the tree Larry says, "No matter what
you do to that tree, you can't make it pretty." "Yes, you
can," Balki insists, "That's the difference between you and
me. I see a glass half full of water. I'm an optimystical. You
see a glass as half empty. You're a pessimystical." "I see
a tree with no branches," Larry replies, "That's an
ugly-mystical." "There's no such word as uglymystical,"
Balki scolds, "We're taking this tree."
- When Balki jumps out of the closet dressed as
Santa he says, "I'm Santa and you, Larry Appleton, are on my naughty list
for kissing without mistletoe. But I'll let it go this time."
When Balki finally has had enough he says, "You've finally gotten my
goatskin." Balki also says he'll miss roasting potatoes on an open
fire, not radishes. Part of the dialogue in this version goes like this:
"And don't you think I'm disappointed I can't go have Christmas with your
family and light your Yule log, whatever that is?" Balki asks.
"Well . . . I didn't think about that," Larry admits. "No,
you didn't. You were too busy thinking about yourself. You were too
busy being a big baby. Everything you say about Christmas sounds like
you're eight years old. Maybe it's time to grow up." "But
Christmas is for kids," Larry says. "It's for grownups,
too," Balki points out. "When I left Mypos, I knew some things
were never going to be the same. That's the way it is when you grow up and
go out on your own. Grownups have to make Christmas wherever they
are." After Larry says it doesn't feel like Christmas, Balki ad-libs
angry Myposian and says, "You Americans. You have to feel
everything." "I'm trying," Larry insists. "Deep
down inside where it doesn't show, I'm really trying." It's then
Balki suggests opening the presents. After Larry opens the tapestry Balki
asks "Do you like it?" Larry says, "Yes . . . I
do." Balki says, "Well, I'm happy about that. I hoped you
would . . . but I couldn't tell. You looked like you were getting tears in
your eyes." Larry then tells the story about the potholder, which is
almost exactly the same as is in the final show. The rest is also the
same.
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