Nielsen Rating: 16.1 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 16 - The Rent Strike
First Air Date: December 10, 1986
Nielsen Rating: 16.1 HH
Co-Producer: James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Mark Fink
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Ernie Sabella: Mr. Donald Twinkacetti
Lise Cutter: Susan Campbell
Guest Cast:
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Bob Larkin: Max
Mary Gillis: Mrs. Schleggelmilch
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is seen
clearly when the camera focuses on him at the beginning of the second act,
sitting on the coffee table with earmuffs on. Dimitri can also be seen sitting
on the couch next to Balki at the end of the episode.
Balki-isms:
"You reek all the time!" (after Jennifer comments that Larry reeks of
leadership)
"So they protest by they get together and they dip his teabags in the
filthy, dirty harbor water . . . "
"What do you think, I just fell off the turnip truck? Well, I didn’t!
I
jumped off with my own two feet!"
Don’t be ridiculous: Said once.
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Where do I come up with them?"
"Question . . . . "
"Wwwooowwwww!!!"
"I don’t think so."
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry insists Balki do something which Balki knows will be bad but ends up
doing anyway because Larry is so insistent
Larry sniffs at the air
Larry shrugs off a question from Balki with a simple and wrong answer just so
he doesn’t have to explain something
Balki sits among the ashes (first time)
Notable Moments:
Mrs. Schlegelmilch is seen for the first (and last) time.
Interesting facts:
- Balki seeing himself in the plate is a reference to popular television
commercials for Joy dishwashing liquid which had aired for years in which
housewives were astonished to see themselves in the shine of their clean dishes.
- Susan appears in this episode for the last time in the series and also for the
first time with Jennifer and Mary Anne also in the same episode. Lise
Cutter's name even appears in the credits before the show as it did in the first
six episodes. No
explanation was ever given for her departure from the series, but it's likely
the inclusion of Jennifer and Mary Anne 
as
permanent girlfriends for the guys made the role of a female friend seem
unnecessary, which is a real shame since Susan could have grown into a very
interesting character given the chance.
- Mrs. Schlegelmilch appears in this episode for the first and only time,
although her name would be mentioned throughout the series on various occasions.
It's a shame Mary Gillis was never to appear again as the cantankerous but
lovable neighbor, but she went on to appear in Full House and countless
television shows, including Mr. Belvedere, Married With Children, the Golden
Girls, The Wonder Years, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Becker, Scrubs and Everybody
Loves Raymond.
-
This is the only time we ever see any other part of the first apartment building
apart from the exterior shots and Larry and Balki's apartment.
- Long-time actor Bob Larkin, who played Max in
this episode, was also a regular on the series Boy Meets World, playing Janitor
Bud. He also made numerous appearances in other series, including Alf,
Mama's Family, The Wonder Years, ER and most recently on Zoey 101.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- There’s an odd reverse shot used in the middle of the tenant’s meeting . .
. in the wide shots Mrs. Schleggelmilch is sitting to the right of Balki but in
the close up where she says "Dream on, the man’s a rodent," she is
on the left. The film has been reversed on purpose, probably to create a more
aesthetic shot and edit because Mrs. Schleggelmilch was facing Larry and not
Susan, when she said this line. It’s noticeable because Balki’s hair
is parted on
the wrong side.
- As Larry prepares to break up the wooden chair
for firewood you can clearly see the large shadow of one of the cameras move
across the upholstered chair in the foreground as the camera moves into a new
position to the left. (Spotted by Cousin Quidget)
- When Larry and Balki enter the Ritz to
complain to Mr. Twinkacetti, Larry still has some of the coffee on his upper
lip. But when they walk into the store, it's gone. Originally scenes
were filmed in which Balki swiped the coffee mustache off, which led to Bronson
and Mark getting the giggles.
- When Mr. Twinkacetti arrives at the store
only moments after everyone has hidden, he complains because Balki and Larry
left the lights on. But he doesn't seem at all concerned that the front
door was left unlocked!
Synopsis:
The episode begins one morning in the apartment as Balki is drying dishes.
He
pauses to look at his reflection in one plate and says "It’s true! You
can see yourself!" Balki smiles at his own reflection. Larry enters
grumpily from the bathroom, his face spotted
with pieces of toilet paper. "Did you make coffee?" Larry
growls. He sees the pot and pours himself a cup. "Make coffee?"
Balki asks, "What do I look like . . . a percolator?" Balki laughs
at his own joke, saying "Where do I come up with them? Of course I
made coffee. I know you can't even speak before you have your
coffee. Question . . . what is that on your face?" "Toilet
paper," Larry answers. "Why would you put toilet paper on your
face?" Balki asks. "I cut myself shaving, repeatedly,"
Larry explains, "There's no hot water. I told Twinkacetti a week ago
that the hot water heater was acting up. I even sent him a letter to
complain." "Did you mention the sink, too?" Balki
asks. "What's wrong with the sink?" Larry asks. "It
don't work," Balki reports.
"What?" Larry moans, walking to
the sink to check it, "Well, it's not draining. Try turning on the
garbage disposal." "No, that . . . 
that," Balki
begins. "Just try turning it . . . just flick the switch," Larry
says. "No, that . . . you don't want that . . . " Balki
argues. "Balki . . . turn on the garbage disposal," Larry
insists, leaning over the sink. Balki flips the switch and the garbage
disposal starts, spouting water up and into Larry's face. After a moment
Balki turns it off and a drenched Larry looks at him with frustration.
Larry grabs a towel and starts wiping at his face. "Think I found the
problem," he notes. "What is it?" Balki asks.
"It's the garbage disposal," Larry finishes. "Don't worry .
. . I'll fix the sink," Balki says, running to get a tool belt from the
bookshelf. "Balki, you don't have to fix anything," Larry
says. "I don't?" Balki asks, strapping on the belt.
"That's Twinkacetti's responsibility," Larry explains, "Who do you think fixed the
doorbell?" Larry asks. "Me," Balki says. "What do you mean
'me?'" asks Larry. "I don’t mean 'you,' I
mean me!" Balki says, "I fixed the doorbell, I fixed the oven and now
I'm going to go fix the sink."
"Well, Balki, Twinkacetti should have
repaired all those things," Larry explains. "Why should Mr.
Twinkacetti fix our sink?" Balki 
asks. "Because it's not our
sink," Larry says. "Oh!" Balki nods, then asks, "Who's
sink is it?" "Twinkacetti is the landlord," Larry says,
"He owns the building and everything in it, including the kitchen
sink. Why do you think we pay
rent?" "For the privilege of sleeping indoors without
livestock?" Balki deduces. "Balki, get off the boat and join the
world," Larry urges. The doorbell rings and Balki answers it.
Jennifer is standing there wearing nothing but a towel, which causes Balki to be
stunned as Larry tries to make himself look semi-presentable. "Hi,
guys," she smiles with some embarrassment. "Jennifer . . .
wwowww!" Balki gasps, "I just love
those bold American fashions." "Balki, that’s a
towel," Larry explains. "Well, of course it is. Don’t be
ridiculous," Balki says, then asks "Is it reversible?"
"Well, I'd really like to stay and chat," Jennifer says to Balki, then
turns to Larry to explain, "but I need to use your shower. Mine's
broken again."
"Well, help yourself," Larry
motions. Jennifer starts for the bathroom when Larry remembers, "Ah,
we only have cold water. Can 
you believe this building?"
"I wish we could do something about this," Jennifer complains.
"Well, I guess I just get started on that garbage disposal," Balki
says, starting for the sink. Larry stops him. "Well, wait a
minute . . . we'll get Twinkacetti to fix it. We could ban together.
If enough people want to change something they can. We stopped the war . .
. we got women the vote . . . we came that close to getting Daylight Savings
Time all year round." "But
Cousin, Mr. Twinkacetti is a land owner we’re just lowly common
peasants," Balki sighs. "Balki, this is a democracy," Larry explains.
"We’re all created equally lowly and common. We'll get all the
tenants together, make out a list of complaints and present them to Twinkacetti.
He has to listen to us." "Count me in," Jennifer agrees,
"Oh, uh . . . thanks for letting me use your shower."
"Sure," Larry smiles. She heads for the bathroom. "I need more
coffee," Larry comments.
The next scene shows the tenants' meeting
already in progress in the building’s run down recreation room. Everyone is
talking at once and Larry stands up, holding a notepad and pencil, and calls
out, "People, people, please! Let's just keep our heads . . . we've
got to approach this in a civilized manner." Susan raises her hand to
speak. "Susan?" Larry calls on her. "I’ve been trying to get Twinkacetti to fix my
ceiling for three years," she complains. "Dream on! The man’s a
rodent!" Mrs. Schleggelmilch growls. "Does anyone else's living
room tilt to the right?" Mary Anne asks. Everyone looks at her
strangely. Balki raises his hand. "Yes, Balki," Larry
calls on him. Balki stands up and begins, "Not a question, just a
comment. This is wonderful! Here we are, a group of total strangers
brought together by a common cause in the pursuit of justice and the American
way." Balki sits down again. "Well, thank you for sharing
that," Larry comments, "Anything else?"
"Yeah," an older man named Max
says, "Who's gonna give this grievance list to Twinkacetti?"
Balki points to Max and he quickly 
says, "Not me!" "We need
a leader," Mary Anne points out. "Cousin Larry can be the
leader," Balki suggests. "Larry, you'd be perfect," Susan
agrees. "Yes, Larry, you reek of leadership," Jennifer
smiles. "Really?" Larry smiles, flattered, "Well, maybe I
do . . . reek a little." "Cousin,
who’s kidding who?" Balki asks, "You reek all the time! All in
favor of Cousin Larry say 'bagda!'" "Bagda!" everyone says,
raising their hands. "Well, uh . . . okay," Larry agrees,
getting to his feet, "Uh . . . I'll be the leader. I'll, uh . . .
I'll type up the letter to Twinkacetti and send it to him."
"Isn't he something?" Mary Anne gushes. "We have leases and
Twinkacetti has got to live up to those leases," Larry says, wandering over
by the stairs that lead down to the room. "Yeah," everyone
agrees. Larry doesn't notice Mr. Twinkacetti entering and standing on the
landing right behind him. Balki motions to Twinkacetti, trying to warn
Larry, but Larry says, "In a minute, Balki. In fact, uh, I think that
we'll insist that he fix everything on our list. You know, it is time that we,
uh . . . " Larry leans back against the railing and touches Twinkacetti's
arm.
Larry looks around and then continues, "
. . . placed our orders for Tupperware. Who would like the cold cuts
keeper? Just raise 
your hand." Everyone raises their hands and
Larry counts them as Twinkacetti comes down the stairs and stands next to
Larry. "One, two, three, four, five, six . . . oh hello, Mr.
Twinkacetti." "Tupperware, huh?" Twinkacetti asks.
"Well, uh . . . actually we're here because we have, uh . . . "
Larry struggles to get it out and looks to the others for support. Susan
motions for him to go on. " . . . grievances," Larry finishes,
showing Twinkacetti the notepad which Twinkacetti snatches away.
"Leaky roof . . . worn out carpet . . . clogged disposal," Mr.
Twinkacetti reads, "You know I really would like to fix these
things." "You would?" Larry asks with surprise.
"Oh, yes!" Twinkacetti insists, "I . . . I just have a cash flow
problem, uh . . . " Mr. Twinkacetti gets melodramatic.
"And just this week . . . both grandmothers they, uh . . . they went in for
heart transplants." Balki rushes to Mr. Twinkacetti's side but Mrs.
Schleggelmilch moans, "Oh, please!"
Balki kneels down next to Mr. Twinkacetti,
who is pretending to cry. "Oh, you poor, poor man," Balki sighs,
then looks to 
everyone and says, "And we think we
have problems." "Balki, must you be the poster child for
the hopelessly naive?" Larry asks, "The man is lying. He has no
grandmothers, he probably sold them." Balki eyes Twinkacetti in
disbelief and asks, "You lied about your Nanas?" "Look, you
ingrates!" Mr. Twinkacetti shouts, jumping to his feet, "You got no
right meeting here like this! Here's what I think of your list of
grievances." He rips the top page off of Larry's notepad and crumples
it up, throwing it down. "Let's get him!" Max yells.
Everyone leaps to their feet and lunges for Mr. Twinkacetti, but Larry holds
them back. "People, people, please!" Larry cries, and then adds
in a surprised voice, "Mrs. Schleggelmilch! People, you are turning
into an ugly mob. Well, not you Jennifer." Jennifer smiles and
goes to sit down. "We . . . we can still work within the
system," Larry says. "Cousin Larry's right," Balki agrees,
"We study something like this in my citizenship class."
"Listen to this man," Larry
urges, "He knows his history!" "The Boston Tea Party,"
Balki relates, "the people are angry with King George
because they pay him tax money but he don't listen to them. So they
protest by they get together and they dip his teabags in the
filthy, dirty harbor water and they don't pay the tax money. What if we
protest by get together and don’t pay our rent money? What would you call
that, Cousin Larry?" "Well, I’d call it a rent strike," Larry
says. "Cousin Larry calls a rent strike!" Balki announces.
Everyone cheers and leaps to their feet, chanting "Rent strike! Rent strike!"
Larry is startled, trying to stop what has started, but it's no use.
"Okay, Appleton," Mr. Twinkacetti barks, "You don't know who
you're dealing with here!" Mr. Twinkacetti storms out.
"This democracy!" Balki exclaims happily, "I like it!"
Balki joins everyone in the celebration, dancing with Mrs. Schleggelmilch as
Larry looks on in worry and the scene fades to black.
Act two begins on a close up of
Dimitri sitting on the coffee table with earmuffs over his ears. The camera pans
back to show 
Balki dressed warmly with a hat, scarf and mittens trying to cook
eggs in a frying pan over a candle flame. Larry enters from his bedroom with a
blanket wrapped around him, shivering. "What's going on?" Larry
asks as he sits on the couch next to Balki, "It must be thirty
degrees." "Twenty-five, I checked," Balki confirms.
"Why is the furnace off? Why didn't my electric blanket work?
Why are you cooking over a candle?" Larry asks in rapid succession.
"These are easy questions," Balki responds, "We have no heat or
electricity because Mr. Twinkacetti turned them off. How do you like your eggs?"
Balki eyes the contents of the pan and adds, "Loose, I hope."
"Twinkacetti is playing really dirty," Larry complains, "Nobody
can survive like this. Here, give me that." Larry drags the
candle closer and attempts to warm his hands.
"You know, the trouble with you
Americans is . . . you can't take a little hardship," Balki notes,
"You know, in Mypos we live with it 
constantly. Take the great
alfalfa famine of '82. Hungry sheep staring into space . . .
hungry men staring back at them. Mama asked me to help out by selling fig
cakes on the street corner. And we only have just the one road running
through my village so . . . I had to walk fifty miles to find a street
corner. And . . . by the time I get there I eat all my fig cakes. Now there’s true
hardship." Balki pulls the candle back over. "No . . . " Larry contradicts, "no,
true hardship is listening to that story. I'm gonna make some
coffee. That's what I need." "Well, about that coffee . .
. Mr. Twinkacetti also turned off the water so you can't have that," Balki
notes. Larry has taken a can of coffee from the top of the refrigerator
and looks horrified, running to the kitchen tap to test it. "Oh my
God," Larry gasps, running back into the living room, "I . . . I . . .
I have to have coffee to . . . to cope . . . to exist . . . I need it to, uh . .
. to, uh . . . to . . . w . . . what do you call that when you make up things in
your mind? Think! I can't think!"
"I know," Larry continues,
"I'll go to the coffee shop on the corner." "It's not open
yet," Balki reminds him. "Damn!" Larry cries, "I have
to have coffee. I know . . . I'll make it with ginger ale!"
"Cousin, you can't heat it up," Balki says. "All right,
we'll make a 
fire!" Larry cries. "We have no firewood,"
Balki points out. "We'll break up the furniture," Larry says,
running over to grab the chair from the desk and lifting it over his head to
bring it down. Balki calmly walks over and takes the chair from Larry as
Larry tries to throw it down. "I don't think so," Balki says,
replacing the chair. "Why not?" Larry asks. "Cousin,
you're not going to burn the furniture to make a cup of coffee," Balki
sighs, getting the blanket from the chair where Larry threw it as Larry hugs the
coffee can to his chest. Balki wraps the blanket around Larry's head and
notes, "Cousin . . . I think you’ve reached the end of the pier again.
You've got to get a grip on yourself." Larry goes to sit in the chair
and Balki squats down next to him. "You’re right, you're right . .
. I’ve . . . I've got to get control . . . I’ve got to keep my
wits," Larry agrees, then he rips the plastic lid off the coffee can and takes a handful of
raw coffee which he stuffs into his mouth. "Cream and sugar?" Balki
asks.
Later that morning in the Ritz Discount Store,
Mr. Twinkacetti is
on the phone at the counter. "Vinnie? This is Twinkie. I
wanna 
put a grand on Chocoholic to win in the fifth. Yeah, of course I'm
good for it." Twinkacetti laughs then hangs up the phone, making a
face which proves he is lying. Larry and Balki enter, looking
furious. Larry has a coat on with a hood pulled tight around his
face. Flakes of coffee still cling to his mouth. Larry rips off the
hood and unsnaps the coat angrily then turns to Balki. "You think you
can handle this without coffee?" Balki asks. "I'm fine,"
Larry insists, "Let me at him!" They step to the counter.
"Top of the morning, boys," Mr. Twinkacetti greets them, "Did we
all sleep warm and snugly? Oh, I sure did!" "Mr.
Twinkacetti," Larry begins, struggling for the words, "In the middle
of the night . . . you turned off our . . . our . . . our . . . the uh, you know
. . . " Larry mimes turning on a faucet and water coming out.
"Water," Balki helps. "Water!" Larry continues,
"And our . . . and our . . . and our . . . the . . . you know . . .
" Larry mimes electricity. "Electricity," Balki
offers. "Electricity!" Larry says, "And I am . . . I am . .
. " "Larry Appleton," Balki fills in. "Larry
Appleton," Larry repeats, then cries, "I know that! It's
everything else I don't know!"
"Uh, did you boys come in here to
give up?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks. "Oh, hehe . . . hmmm?"
Larry laughs, then looks confused. Balki motions to one side, telling
Larry, "You stand over there." "Yeah," Larry obeys,
stepping aside. Balki confronts Mr. Twinkacetti. "You know in
Mypos we have a word for people like you. You're a chamultsin muckus."
"Gee, take that back, 
please!" Mr. Twinkacetti says sarcastically,
"What is a rigor morka turkis?" "It's a by-product of swamp
slime," Balki informs him. "Mr. Twinkacetti, you are playing
really dirty," Larry complains, "but you cannot push us. We . .
. we have . . . we have a . . . " Larry sniffs at the air.
Balki looks behind himself. "Is
that fresh coffee I smell?" Larry asks. "Ooh, fresh hot
coffee," Mr. Twinkacetti corrects, "Have some Appleton."
Larry makes a beeline for the coffee pot. "Special of
the day," Mr. Twinkacetti explains, "Only ten bucks a cup!"
"Ten dollars for a cup of coffee?" Larry cries, "That is
outrageous! Balki, lend me five dollars." Balki walks over to
Larry. "Cousin, get a grip on yourself. You’re going to pay
ten dollars for a stupid beverage?" "Yes!" Larry insists,
"And don’t you ever call it stupid! Here's for half a
cup!" Larry pays Mr. Twinkacetti the five dollars and starts to
drink.
"Ohhh, that's good," Larry sighs
blissfully, drinking some more then walking firmly to the counter.
"All right now, Twinkacetti . . . 
what was I talking about?"
Balki pushes the coffee cup up to make Larry drink some more. "I
noticed you turned off our heat and our water and . . . " Larry takes
another big gulp as Balki finishes for him, saying, " . . . our
electricity." "You think you're tough?" Larry asks,
"You don't know what tough is. This is tough!"
Larry elbows Balki. "I am tough!" he continues, "In fact, I don’t
need your stinking coffee!" Larry crumples the empty cup and throws
it to the ground. Mr. Twinkacetti just stares at them. "You
should see him after a second cup," Balki warns. "Oooh!"
Mr. Twinkacetti says facetiously. "I can take whatever you can dish
out," Larry assures him, "In fact, we're not giving in until you'd fix
everything on our list!" "You heard that right," Balki
confirms, "You better start respecting Cousin Larry." "Oh, but I do, turnip! I respect Cousin Larry just as much as I
respect . . . Cousin Moe and Cousin Curly," Mr. Twinkacetti counters,
then walks off. Balki turns to Larry with a hurt expression. "Cousin
. . . why you
didn’t introduce me to the rest of the family?" Larry stares at Balki in
disbelief then finally just says, "I forgot."
The next morning in the Ritz Discount
store, the place is dark. We can see figures sleeping on the floor.
Larry turns on the lights and calls, "All right, people! It's seven
o'clock! Remember, we're trespassing. Balki, get 'em
moving." Balki, who has been 
sleeping sitting up with a sheepherder's
crook in his arms, gets up and hits the crook on the floor, then makes a
trilling sound and pats people with the crook to awaken them. "Well,
it's not exactly home but it's warmer than my apartment," Susan
notes. Balki hits the floor and trills again, turning and hooking Mary
Anne's foot with the crook. "I can't sleep on the floor any
more," she complains, "I'm getting a flat spot on my hair."
Larry is standing by the door and looks startled. "He's here!"
Larry gasps, "It's Twinkacetti! He's early! Everybody
hide!" Everyone grabs their sleeping bags and throws them behind the
counter, then they jump into a pup tent which is set up in the middle of the
floor as part of a camping supply display. Balki helps herd them all in,
then climbs inside himself. Larry runs across the store and leaps into the
tent, grabbing the zipper and pulling it closed in one movement.
Mr. Twinkacetti opens the door and looks
around, complaining, "Would you look at this? They left the lights
on! Even a 
chimpanzee can turn off lights . . . and be better
company!" Mr. Twinkacetti turns to set his hat on the wooden Indian
and take off his coat. Behind him, the tent is moving across the
floor. Mr. Twinkacetti thinks he sees something, then turns back.
Again the tent moves and this time Mr. Twinkacetti catches it and runs
forward. "Freeze it!" he shouts, and the tent stops, "Come
out! Come on!" The zipper opens and Balki steps out, followed
by the others. "Morning," Mr. Twinkacetti greets them in turn,
"Lovely hair." Mary Anne looks annoyed. "Hello,"
Mr. Twinkacetti continues, "Warm? Schleggelmilch!"
"Rodent!" Mrs. Schleggelmilch barks. Larry steps out last.
"I know what you're going to say, Mr. Twinkacetti, but this is all your
fault," Balki notes. "Yeah, if you didn't turn our heat off we
wouldn't have to sleep here." "I know it's my fault and I'm
sorry," Mr. Twinkacetti offers humbly. "Oh no, you're not gonna
get away . . . hmm?" Larry asks, not sure he's heard correctly.
"Hey, all men are brothers, right?" Mr. Twinkacetti says.
"Who is this man?" Larry asks.
"You people, I would like to end our
little disagreement," Mr. Twinkacetti assures them as the phone rings and
Balki answers it, 
"You don't think I like to make people suffer, do
you?" "Yeah," everyone says. "Oh, now that
hurts," Mr. Twinkacetti sighs, "Look, I'm willing to make a few
repairs if you're willing to pay the rent today." "Mr.
Twinkacetti, it's a friend for you," Balki says, "Mr. Vinnie the
Finger." Mr. Twinkacetti gasps deeply and snarls, "I'm not here,
Turnip!" Balki repeats Twinkacetti’s gasps and tone, repeating into
the phone, "He says ‘I’m not here, Turnip!’" In his own
voice, Balki continues, "Oh, well okay. Nice chatting with you, Mr.
the Finger. Bye." Balki hangs up the phone and returns to the
others. "Vinnie says he wants to take you fishing and to buy you a
concrete vest," Balki tells Mr. Twinkacetti. "Oh!" everyone
hums to each other. Balki turns to Larry and adds, "Nice
man." "Oh ho!" Larry says, "Balki, Balki . . . that
was his bookie. He needs money!" "Whoa," Mr.
Twinkacetti grunts, looking sick. "Our rent money!" Balki
realizes. "Y-y-y-yes!" Larry confirms. Everyone makes
comments like "We got him! Yeah!" "Listen, listen
people!" Mr. Twinkacetti cries, "This is more than a business.
My life is at stake. Doesn't anyone care?" No one replies.
"That silence is like a nail in my
heart," Mr. Twinkacetti sighs. Mrs. Schleggelmilch steps forward and
grabs him by the lapels. 
"Listen, slug!" she says, "I want
my front door fixed. By tomorrow." "You got it,
Schleggelmilch," Mr. Twinkacetti agrees. "We want our places
painted," Jennifer says. "Yeah," everyone agrees.
"And fumigated!" Max adds. "Right, right . . . okay!
You got a deal!" Mr. Twinkacetti agrees. Everyone is happy except for
Balki, who steps forward. "Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!" Balki calls, finally climbing up on the barber's chair to
get everyone's attention, "People, listen! Don't you see what's
happening? We have no won. He has not given us everything on the
list." Balki takes the list out of his pocket. "Look,
Bartokomous," Mr. Twinkacetti runs forward, "If I give you everything
on that list I won't have any more money for anything else." Balki
rolls his eyes and motions like he is spitting. "What do you
think? I just fell off the turnip truck?" Balki asks, "Well, I
didn't! I jumped off with my own two feet!" Balki consults the
list. "Now, Max . . . you said that the building needs a new washer
and dryer." "Right," Max nods. "Uh . . .
okay," Mr. Twinkacetti agrees, even though it causes him pain.
"And . . . and . . . and Susan, you
need your ceiling fixed." "The whole thing?" Mr.
Twinkacetti cries. Susan nods. "Uh," Mr. Twinkacetti
hesitates, then growls and says, "Okay." "Miss
Schleggelmilch, your carpeting," Balki adds. "You're pushing
me!" 
Mr. Twinkacetti says angrily. "I'm going to call Mr. the
Finger," Balki threatens. "Okay! Okay! Okay"
Mr. Twinkacetti gives in, "But that's it!" "Well, I got
what I wanted!" Mrs. Schleggelmilch says happily. "Me,
too!" Max agrees. "Now get Norma Rae outta here!" Mr. Twinkacetti tells Larry and
he stalks off to his office. "No, wait!" Balki cries,
"There's more thing on the list! We can fight! We can hold
out! We can win!" "Oh, some other time, kid. I gotta
get to work," Mrs. Schleggelmilch says, turning to leave. "Yeah,
and I gotta go look for a job," Max adds. Everyone starts to
leave. "Thanks for everything, Balki," Jennifer offers.
"But . . . we don't have everything!" Balki points out, "What
about remodeling the recreation room?" "Yeah!" Larry
cheers, as he's the only one left. "What about air
conditioning?" "Yeah, air conditioning!" Larry
repeats. "What about the security system?" "Balki,
it's over," Larry points out. "Okay," Balki sighs sadly,
and he sits down dejectedly.
Back upstairs, Larry and Balki enter the
apartment. Balki still looks depressed. "Hey, this is
great! Look!" Larry says, then puffs 
out some breaths through his
mouth, "I can't see my breath! The heat is on!" Larry sets
his sleeping bag and coat on the chair and turns to shut he door. Balki
drops his coat in the other chair and then squats down at the fireplace.
"Balki . . . what are you doing?" Larry asks. "I must sit
among the ashes," Balki explains. Larry leans over and says,
"No! Don't sit among the ashes." "I am
humiliated," Balki says, "I make a fool of myself."
"No, you didn't," Larry assures him, leading him out of the ashes,
"You made a lot of people very happy! Come on." They walk
to the couch and sit down. "I don't understand why they are
happy," Balki sighs, "We lose." "We didn't lose,"
Larry says, "Twinkacetti is gonna spend two months fixing this place
up." "But we don't get everything on the list," Balki
reminds him. "We never planned to get everything on the list,"
Larry explains. "Cousin, you said to Mr. Twinkacetti that we will not
quit until we get everything," Balki reminds him, "And I want to do
what you said." "That's called negotiating," Larry
explains, "You ask for more than you want so you get what you
need." "Then why don’t you just ask for what you need?" Balki
asks. "Because you won’t get it," Larry explains. "You’re
right, I don’t get it!" Balki cries.
"Balki, you did a great job,"
Larry insists. "I did?" "You did," Larry
nods. "I did good?" "You did great!" Larry
smiles, "You got us more than we ever expected. You're a very good
negotiator. You stood up to Twinkacetti." "I guess I
did," Balki realizes, "You 
were going to . . . to stop before we got
the washer and dryer." "This building is very lucky
to have Balki Bartokomous living here," Larry says. "Really?"
Balki asks. "I know I’m better off," Larry smiles. Their
front door suddenly opens and Mary Anne comes in, calling, "Hi! I
just wanted to say thank you. You were terrific." "Oh
well, you know, I . . . " Larry begins. "I was talking to Balki,"
Mary Anne clarifies, and she walks around Larry to Balki. "Right, I
knew that," Larry says. "You were magnetic," Mary Anne
tells Balki. Balki looks at Larry and says, "She called me a
magnet." "You’ve
got guts, Balki," Mary Anne continues, "I like that in a
refugee. How about coming up to my place for breakfast? Would you
like that?" "Does a sheep like potato root?" Balki asks. Mary Anne doesn’t know how to
respond to this, staring blankly ahead. "That means yes," Balki
explains, "You little lamb kabob." Balki kisses her hand and she starts to lead him to the
door. "Don’t wait up," Balki tells Larry, "I’m going to negotiate
with her."
Script Variations:
There are some notable differences between the final episode and an undated
script version we have:
-
In the first scene Balki is sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas, pouring
cereal and reading the back of the box. He tears the box top off the
package and says "Only eleven more boxes and then I get my Plastic Man
pajamas." Larry calls from the bathroom, asking what time it
is. Balki checks a digital clock sitting on the counter and says
"Seven thirty-two." Then as the number changes he gets excited
and says "No, make that seven thirty-three. I just love
digital."
- When
Larry asks if Balki has made coffee, after the percolator joke he says he'll
make coffee as soon as he fixes the sink.
- While
explaining why he has toilet paper on his face, Larry says "I cut my face
shaving . . . repeatedly. And why did I cut myself shaving you ask?"
to which Balki says "I did?" Larry goes on to say "Because
once again the Ayatolla Twinkacetti has left us with no hot water. The
other day it was the furnace, and now it's the hot water and kitchen sink
again. I'm getting sick of this." Larry tries the garbage
disposal and we hear the sound of a stuck motor. The water does not fly up
into Larry's face in this script version, although when they open the door to
Jennifer it indicates Larry dries himself off so it must have been in earlier
versions and then taken out and put back again.
- Larry
comments that it's the garbage disposal that's broken again and Balki says
"Oh, what a break. I have fixed many garbage disposals."
Larry says "Come on. You didn't have garbage disposals in Mypos, you
probably used goats." To which Balki replies, "And you think
they never get sick?"
- There's
more conversation in this script version after Larry tells Balki to get off the
boat and join the world. Balki says "What world? In Mypos, we
have only one landlord, and he is the King. If you don't like your house,
the King throws you out on your buttocks." Larry replies, "Balki,
you're in America now. We have basic rights guaranteed by the
Constitution." Balki says with reverence, "The
Constitution. We study that in citizenship class. This is such a
great country: striped toothpaste and the Constitution."
"Yes, and we've had to fight hard for both," Larry comments.
After this Balki says, "So when are you going to tell Twinkacetti to fix
the disposal?" Larry, who is very hesitant to confront Twinkacetti
throughout this script, says "Well, I'm not going to actually talk to him,
I was going to write him a really nasty anonymous letter." Balki asks
what that is and Larry sighs, "I don't even want to talk about this before
my morning coffee."
- Balki
is the one who suggests getting the tenants together to discuss their grievances
and Larry is against it until Jennifer says she thinks it's a terrific idea,
then Larry is all for it, saying "It does have some merit. I guess we
could meet . . . in secret . . . in the middle of the night . . . maybe in an
underground parking garage." Jennifer says, "Great, I'll make
some clam dip." After she goes to the bathroom Balki says,
"Cousin Larry, this is so exciting. Democracy in action and clam dip,
too." To which Larry replies, "I hate clam dip."
- In
this script Mrs. Schleggelmilch is referred to as Harriet. At the
beginning of the tenants' meeting Max complains "Our carpet has more holes
than a golf course."
-
After Balki makes his speech about the group coming together Larry comments,
"Thank you, Clark Kent, but we're not quite ready to come out of the phone
booth yet. This is just a discussion of what might go into that
anonymous letter." Harriet says "Look, all I want is my front
door fixed. It never closes the same way twice." Larry says,
"The question is, what's a safe way to get Twinkacetti to fix these
things? Let's face it, he's not very nice." "Not
nice?" Harriet asks. "The man is a rodent."
- Max
suggests they need a leader and Balki suggests Cousin Larry because "He's
got the pencil." "Well, it's not my pencil . . . " Larry
says, trying to get out of it. Later after the "reek of
leadership" lines Larry says "We can discuss this later. Let's
nail down the leadership thing at the next meeting . . . next year."
- Balki
raises his hand and asks "Do you think we could get a new light bulb in the
hall?" Larry nervously says, "Well, sure. But we don't
want to make waves . . . I'm sure as long as we asked for something under
one hundred watts." At this point Max says "Come on,
Appleton. Quit whimping around. I've got a roach in my apartment I
could list as a dependent." It's at this point that Larry becomes
bolder and starts saying Twinkacetti should fix everything, leading him to make
up the Tupperware party when Twinkacetti shows up. Twinkacetti asks Balki
who's in charge and Balki says Cousin Larry.
- When
Twinkacetti tells his sob story about his grandmothers Balki not only offers
support but give Twinkacetti two dollars. When he finds out Twinkacetti
was lying he snatches his money back. After Twinkie says they have no
right to meet Balki says "Oh, yes, we do. This is America,
buster. We've got a Constitution and a Bag of Rights."
"Bill of Rights," Larry corrects. Balki then tells the story of
the Boston Tea Party and asks "What if we dressed up like Indians and
didn't pay our rent, what would you call that, Cousin Larry?"
"I'd call it a very strange rent strike," Larry answers.
- When
Larry wakes up to no electricity or heat he asks "What does Twinkacetti
thing he's doing?" "He's probably trying to make up crack and
give up the rent strike," Balki explains. "It's working,"
Larry says, shivering. After Larry takes the candle he says to Balki,
"I hope you're happy." "No, I really wanted scrambled
eggs," Balki replies. Larry says it's Balki's fault for calling the
rent strike and that Twinkacetti wins.
- Instead
of selling fig cakes Balki says his mama asked him to sell mangos on the street
corner. "And we don't even have mangos in Mypos," Balki
finishes.
- When
Larry finds out he can't have coffee Balki prefaces it by saying there is good
news and bad news, the bad news being they have no water. "What's the
good news?" Larry asks. "The good news is the gas is off so you
can't stick you head in the oven," Balki answers. "Lucky break,
huh?"
- Larry
announces he will try to make coffee with Diet Pepsi instead of ginger
ale. When Larry realizes he simply can't make coffee he moans, "And
this is just the first day. It could get ugly. What if we're
evicted? We could end up on the street like those guys who collect tin
foil . . . sleeping under the L, looking for coffee in garbage cans."
- When
Balki calls Twinkacetti a Myposian word (which is not specified in the script,
it just says "Myposian Epithet") he explains it's a by-product of
sheep droppings, then adds "And our number one export."
Twinkacetti scowls at Balki, saying, "Right now your life should be
flashing before your eyes."
- Instead
of Larry paying for the coffee (which he wants to do) Twinkacetti takes his
phone call from Vinnie then while they're by the coffee. During that time
Balki sneaks Larry a cup and Twinkacetti catches him. "Hey, that's
ten bucks!" Twinkacetti says. "This is America. Sue
me," Balki answers.
- Instead
of complaining about the lights being left on, when Twinkacetti enters the store
he says "Damn business. If I had any guts I'd torch this place and
collect the insurance." Later when he catches the tent moving and
Balki opens he flap Balki says "Good morning." Twinkacetti asks,
"What the hell are you doing in there?" Balki thinks a beat,
then says, "Camping?"
- After
Larry asks "Who is this man?" Balki says "It looks like
Mr. Twinkacetti." When Vinnie the Finger calls Larry asks Balki
"Do I hear a heavenly choir?" Balki listens and says, "I
don't think so." After Larry explains Twinkie lost money to his
bookie Balki says, "Wait a minute. I think I hear the music. He
needs money - - our rent money." Balki then turns to the others and
states "So you see, everybody, we've got Twinkacetti by the sheep
hairs."
- Instead
of just taking Twinkacetti's word that he'll make the repairs Larry wants to
have him sign it in writing. After agreeing to a few things Balki says
"Not so fast, mister. We've barely itched the surface. We just
threw our first bail of tea in the harbor. Tippicanoe and rent strike
too. We have not yet begun to gripe." Larry says, "Balki,
I think we've got everything we've asked for." Balki says, "Some
of us aren't through asking. Watch and learn."
- After
everyone is happy with what they have, Balki continues to try to get more.
"People, wait. We can get more. How about a doorman?
Wouldn't you like a tennis court on the roof?" Then later,
"Where's your American spirit? We can get whatever we want. A
set of satellite dishes . . . Aluminum siding . . . Pet doors, maid
service, room service . . . diaper service!"
- When
Balki and Larry return to the apartment, Balki does not sit among the
ashes. They go right to the couch where Balki says, "I lost
them. I am not a leader of men." "Balki, you did
fine," Larry assures him. "You got Twinkacetti to give us more
than we asked for. You just reached too far, that's all."
"But, Cousin Larry, you said that in America we have the right to fight for
what's ours. Why didn't they fight?" Larry explains, "Balki,
you fight for food. You don't fight for gravy. This country is based
on compromise." "I missed the whole point," Balki
says. "Who am I to fight for America rights when I'm not even an
American?" "Balki, you acted more like an American than any of
us. You were willing to fight. All I was willin to do was
write an anonymous letter . . . and I was lying about that."
"So, maybe you learned to fight and I learned to compromise," Balki
says, then proudly adds, "Between the two of us we make one good
American."
- When
Mary Anne asks Balki to breakfast he calls her "Stewardess of my
dreams." He tells Cousin Larry "Don't wait up," and they
head out the door. Larry closes the door behind them and the knob comes
off in his hand. "I'll fix it myself," he says.
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