Strangers Episode Guide
116 - Climb Every Billboard
First Air Date:
March 15, 1991
Filming Date: February 14, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 15.3 HH
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Judy Pioli
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Radio Announcer (V.O.): Tom Amundsen
Appearances: Dimitri can be seen packed inside the huge backpack Balki is
wearing, and then on the billboard as well.
"Get out of the city council!"
"Itís not the money and you never taught me Bo Diddley."
"Cousin, donít pressure cook me."
"You pouting Thomas."
"Liar, liar, pants for hire!"
ridiculous: Said twice in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!" (although in this case Balki says, "Get
out of the city council!")
"Well, that is great!"
"What is the matter with you?"
"Balki, I have . . . " "Oh God!" " . . . a
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Dialogue including alliterations based around the letter "D"
Larry throttles Balki
Larry has a plan
Been Workiní on the Railroad" - sung with alternative words by Balki and
Larry at Balkiís worktable
Waiting for the Myposian God of Decisions, Destiniki, to give you a sign about a
decision you're trying to make while waiting on the top of Mount Mypos.
Balki and Larry returned to host another night of
TGIF on the night this episode aired, introducing Full House, Family Matters
and Baby Talk, as well as this episode. You can now view these
spots on our YouTube
- The title of this episode is a play on the phrase
"Climb Every Mountain," which was the name of a song from the musical The
Sound of Music.
- Once again the name Beekman turns up; this time a
Mr. Beekman is the manager of the Wilcox building. Hmmm . . . from the
sound of the Beekman empire wouldn't it have made more sense to have a Mr.
Wilcox be manager of the Beekman building?
- When Balki talks about Destiniki's guitar-playing
daughter, Domoniki Niki Niki, it's a very funny reference to Sister Smile, more
popularly known as The Singing Nun and the French song, "Dominique,"
which she made popular in 1963. During the refrain, the words Dominique -nique
-nique are sung, which is why Balki adds the "Niki Niki" to her name.
to see Debbie Reynolds performing the song in English in the 1966 movie, The
- When Balki explains to Larry that Desenexos is
the healer of Foot Fungus, it's a pun on the popular athlete's foot and ringworm
curing powder and cream, Desenex.
- When Larry makes the reference to someone
deciding to change the formula of Coke, he's talking about the marketing fiasco
of 1985 when the Coca Cola company introduced an all-new formula for their
hugely popular cola drink, Coke. Eventually the original formula was
reintroduced and many have speculated since that the entire thing was a sneaky
marketing trick to bring attention to classic Coke and drive up sales of the
original product when it was brought back.
- The reference to Shelly Long going to the
"Mountain Where Bad Decisions Are Made" to choose which movies to do
is a reference to a series of films she did in the mid-to-late eighties which
were less than popular after her decision to leave the popular series Cheers.
These included Troop Beverly Hills, Don't Tell Her It's Me and Frozen
- When Balki mentions the pigeons names, Steve and
Eydie, it's a reference to singers Steve Lawrence and his wife Eydie Gorme, who
were known not only for their renditions of popular songs but for their
television specials as well.
- Perfect Strangers writer Tom Amundsen was
the uncredited voice of the radio announcer. He had done voice work on
other projects, including Titanic, Mulan and Shrek. Sadly he
passed away in 2006 at the age of 52.
- The filming of the windmill sequence was very
uncomfortable for Bronson and Mark, and the crew worked hard to make sure they
didnít have to be attached to the windmill any longer than necessary. To read
about the filming of this episode, go to our On the
Scene . . . report.
As Balki is walking out of his bedroom with the heavy backpack, you can see a
shadow from one of the cameras move across the couch from the right to the left.
- When Balki falls back against the couch with his
heavy backpack and Larry grabs onto the couch to pull himself up, you can see
there is something lying on the floor. This might have been the WWF action
figure which Balki pulled out and showed to Larry in a scene which was cut from
the episode (and which explains the later scene on the billboard when Balki
pulls out the figure again). You can read more about this in our Script
- When Balki feels Destiniki tap him on the
shoulder he proceeds to turn around four times instead of just three.
- Cousin TorinoKitty on the forums pointed out this
particular blooper . . . the edge of the sky background can be seen at the top
left corner of the screen as Larry is climbing the billboard! Back when
the show originally
aired, many televisions still had picture tubes which were curved on the edges,
so mistakes like this didn't tend to show up on them!
- Similarly, the circular edges of the lens used on
the camera to take the footage from the top of a building looking down to the
street can be seen in the upper left and right hand corners of the shot!
episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle. Balki is date
stamping letters, singing the song "Dinah" with slightly different
words. "Iíve been workiní in the mailroom all the live-long
day." Larry rushes in from the parking garage and calls, "Oh
Balki!" "Someoneís in the basement with Balki," Balki
sings, "Someoneís in the basement I know-oh-oh-oh. Someoneís in
the basement with Balki . . . " "Balki," Larry tries to
interrupt. "Strumming on the old banjo and singiní . . . "
At this point Larry finally joins in and they sing, "Fee fi fiddly-i-oh . .
. fee fi fiddly-i-oh-oh-oh-oh, fee fi fiddly-i-ooooooooo . . . " They
hold this note a long time. Balki finally drops out but Larry continues to
hold the note longer and longer, until he starts to fall backward in a faint.
Balki catches him and they finish together, "Strumminí on the old
banjo." "Balki, youíll never guess what just happened,"
Larry begins, "I was sitting at the lunch counter and in walked . . . the
Mayor!" "Get out of the city council!" Balki gasps,
"Did . . . did you talk to him?"
to him?" Larry asks, "I went right up to him, introduced myself . . .
he looked me right in the eye and said, ĎDonít bother me while Iím
eating.í" Balki and Larry share a look of amazement. "I
know I made a good impression," Larry adds, "I could tell as they were
dragging me away from the table. So what did you do for lunch?"
"Well, uh, just the usual," Balki answers, "I went to the lunch
truck and got a soda, I went to the Wilcox building and got a job offer, went to
the park and fed the pigeons . . . " Larryís eyes open wide and he
asks, "You did what?" "I fed the pigeons," Balki
repeats, "And Cousin, the little pigeon with the broken wing? I got
him to eat out of my hand." "The job offer! Tell me about
the job offer!" Larry insists. "Oh, thereís not much to
tell," Balki says casually, "Uh, Mr. Beekman, the building manager,
wants me to be the head of the mailroom." "Balki, that is
great!" Larry exclaims, then asks, "More money?"
"Well, um . . . mmmm yeah," Balki realizes, "Uh, about twice what
Iím making now. And Cousin, the little pigeon . . . I . . . I think
heís got a girlfriend."
"Well, Balki, when do they want you
to start your new job?" Larry asks. "Oh, I . . . Iím not sure
Iím gonna take the new job," Balki states as he walks
over to Larryís desk. "Oh! Oh! Oh" Larry smirks,
"Holding out for more money. I taught you well."
"Itís not the money and you never taught me Bo Diddley," Balki
counters, "Itís just that Iím not sure I want a new job. If I
leave here Iíd miss all my old friends." "Well, Balki,
youíll make new friends," Larry points out, "At double your salary
you can buy new friends! Take the job!" "Cousin,
donít pressure cook me," Balki says, taking some letters from Larryís
desk to place in the mail box, "On Mypos we . . . we donít . . . we
donít rush into decisions. We . . . we just give them a lot of care and
thought and preparation." "Well, I . . . I guess that makes
sense," Larry sighs. "So on Mypos when youíre faced with a
major decision you climb to the top of Mount Mypos and then you just sit there
and wait for a sign from Destiniki," Balki explains. "Destiniki?"
Larry asks. "The God of Decisions," Balki says, "He lives
in the clouds, attended by his guitar-playing daughter Domoniki . . . Niki Niki."
well . . . so what díya do?" Larry asks as he follows Balki back to his
table, "Just stand around and wait for a telegram to drop out of the
sky?" "Well, of course not! Donít be ridiculous!"
Balki scoffs, "When Destiniki determines that your decision is a done deal
you donít dare doubt him, dude. You feel a tap on your shoulder . . .
right there . . . and then you feel someone turn you around . . . three times .
. . " Balki spins three times to demonstrate. "And then .
. . you hear a voice whispering in this ear . . . and thatís your answer.
Then of course you fall down on your knees and give thanks." Balki
drops to his knees and holds his hands upward in praise. "Thatís
the stupidest thing I ever heard," Larry states, "Getting your
decision from some spirit named Desenexos." "Destiniki,"
Balki corrects, "Desenexos is the healer of foot fungus."
"Well, I stand corrected," Larry sighs. "Well . . . "
Balki begins. "But itís still stupid," Larry insists,
"And even if it werenít stupid, and Iím not giving that up, now that
youíre in Chicago the chances of you finding a mountain to climb are pretty
Balki scoffs, "You pouting Thomas. I find my mountain. Now if
youíll excuse me, I have to go home and prepare myself for Destinikiís
visitation." Balki gets his coat from the hatrack and puts it on.
"First thing Iím gonna do, Iím gonna soak in a tub of Ovaltine."
"What is that? Some kind of purification ritual?" Larry asks.
"No, it just opens my pores," Balki answers, and he exits to the
parking garage. The elevator door opens and Mr. Wainwright steps out
holding a stack of small papers and calls, "Appleton?" "Y .
. . yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?" Larry responds. "Believe it or
not I finally like one of those memos you slip under my door every day,"
Mr. Wainwright smiles. "Well, thank you, sir," Larry says,
"Uh, which one did you like?" "I like the idea about having
someone from the paper live on a billboard until the Bulls losing streak is
over," Mr. Wainwright answers, "Now I want to implement it
immediately." "Oh great!" Larry smiles, "Who
volunteered to do it?"
"Nobody volunteered. Itís the
middle of winter," Mr. Wainwright points out, "Itís your job to get
an employee up on that billboard by game time tomorrow.
Iíve alerted the television stations for coverage and Iíve arranged to use
the billboard on the top of the McIntosh building." "Well, who
am I gonna get on such short notice?" Larry asks. "Thereís
always you," Mr. Wainwright smiles with a gleam in his eye. "W .
. . well, Iím very busy right now, sir, a . . . a . . . a . . . and I have
this little problem with, uh, high places. They terrify me. They . .
. they make me hyperventilate. They . . . they make me feel like Iím
having a heart attack." "Thatís your problem," Mr.
Wainwright says callously, "Just get somebody up there by one oíclock
tomorrow afternoon or itís your job!" "Uh, yes, yes,
Sir!" Larry calls as Mr. Wainwright turns to leave, "One oíclock! I
have the perfect man for the job!" Larry gets a look of concern and
thought, then his expression suddenly changes to one of enlightenment.
Back at the apartment, Larry rushes in the
door and hangs his coat up as he calls, "Balki! Balki, come out here!
I have to talk to you." Larry stands
by the front door and waits as Balki comes out of his bedroom, wearing a long,
heavy coat and bent over from the weight of a gigantic backpack strapped to his
back which looks like it contains everything in the world and more including
Dimitri. Slowly Balki approaches Larry in this bent position. "Balki?"
Larry asks. "Yeah?" Balki asks as he straightens and the weight
of the backpack pulls him backwards. Balki stumbles backwards across the
room crying out, "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"
He finally hits the kitchen counter and stops, leaning back against it.
Balki throws his arms forward, trying to pull himself upright again but canít
do it. Larry crosses the room and asks, "Balki, where are you
going?" "Cousin, I found the mountain!" Balki says,
"And with any luck, Destiniki will find me and he come down and he tap me
on the shoulder, right there, and then heíll turn me around three times . . .
" Balki mimics turning around with his head since he is stuck against
the counter. " . . . and then heíll whisper my decision in my ear.
So, uh . . . if youíll excuse me, I have a twelve hour bus ride ahead of me to
Mount Woolaroc." Balki again struggles to straighten himself and on
the second try he finally manages to lean forward into Larryís arms.
"Balki, you canít go to Mount
Woolaroc," Larry says, and he pushes Balki back against the counter,
"Mount Woolaroc is an Indian name meaning
ĎMountain Where Bad Decisions are Made.í General Custer sat on Mount
Woolaroc and decided to fight the Indians. Somebody from the Coca Cola
company went up there and decided to change the original formula. Shelley
Long goes up there to decide which movies to make." "Well,
Cousin," Balki sighs, reaching out and grabbing Larryís coat to pull
himself back up, leaning against Larry again once heís up, "Thank you.
You saved me a long trip to make a bad decision. Although . . . wouldíve
been nice to meet Shelley." "Well, Iím just glad I could
help," Larry offers. "Well, you only half helped, Cousin,"
Balki sighs, "Now I . . . I have nowhere to go." Balki lets go
of Larry and falls back against the counter, despondent. "Well, all
right, all right, donít panic," Larry says, "Weíll think of
something. All right, letís see. Where could you go? A high
place . . . waiting for a sign . . . high place . . . sign . . . high . . . sign
. . . high sign . . . placing yourself on a high sign . . . Iíve got it!
The billboard on the top of the McIntosh building! Itís a high place,
itís on a sign, you get an overview . . . no, it would never work."
Cousin!" Balki gasps, grabbed Larry and pulling him closer, "Donít
you see the poetry of it? Waiting for a sign on a sign!"
"Do you think so?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I think itís
perfect!" Balki says. "Weeellll," Larry hems, "All
right, if you feel that strongly about it, Iím not gonna stand in your way.
You know, now that I think about it, it does make sense. I mean, you get a
good nightís sleep, you go up there just in time for tip-off . . . did I say
Ďtip-off?í . . . I meant Ďtake off.í Take off about twelve-thirty,
twelve-forty-five at the latest." "Oh Cousin, I donít know how
to thank you," Balki smiles, and he hugs Larryís head closer.
"Hey, buddy, Iím here for ya," Larry smiles. "Oh
boy," Balki smiles, and he grabs Larry and pushes himself forward, but the
weight of the backpack is too much and Larry gets thrown to the floor as Balki
stumbles forward across the room and hits the front door, then falls backward
across the couch just as Larry pulls himself up.
The next scene begins with an establishing
shot of a billboard high atop a building in downtown Chicago. The
billboard is advertising Holland Deodorant,
claiming it will "Keep you fresh as a tulip." On the left side
of the sign are the large, rotation sails of a windmill. Set inside the
windmill drawing is a can of deodorant which "sprays" every so often.
There is a transmission tower right next to the billboard. Larry appears,
climbing slowly up a ladder to the billboard. "Iíll just, uh . . .
uh . . . help you get settled up here, then Iíll be on my way," Larry
says, then he climbs up to the platform, telling himself, "Oh God . . .
donít look down . . . donít look down, Balki. Whatever you do, donít
look down." Larry sits on the platform and pushes himself away from
the ladder so Balki can climb up. Finally Larry gets to his feet, being
careful to keep his eyes straight ahead and his back against the billboard, and
cries, "Okay! I did it! You can do it, Balki. Just as
long as you donít look down, youíll be okay." Balki climbs up
with his huge backpack and steps off the ladder onto the platform, not being
anywhere near as slow or cautious as Larry.
Once Balki is on the platform he starts to
tilt backwards from the weight of his backpack, but Larry jumps forward and
grabs him, yelling "Oh! Oh!
Oh!" as he yanks Balki back to safety and also manages to slam Balkiís
nose into the billboard in the process. Balki then starts to stumble
backwards again to one side as Larry holds on to him, crying, "Oh!
Oh! No, no!" Pulling Balki forward, Balki stumbles forward into Larry
and they both get dangerously close to the edge of the platform. Larry
screams in terror and pushes Balki away, then begins to throttle him.
Finally Larry lets go and throws his back against the billboard again.
"Hey, Cousin, you know what?" Balki asks, "You were right!
This is perfect! I know Iím gonna reach a great decision up here."
Balki takes off the backpack, which he hands to Larry who sets it aside.
"You know what?" Balki continues as he starts to wander around the
platform, examining the surroundings, "This reminds me of Mount Mypos.
Absolutely. Except there are . . . there are no goats and no . . . no
eaglesí nests and no threat of volcanic eruption and, uh . . . actually it . .
. it doesnít remind me at all of Mount Mypos, but I love it! I just love
it, love it, love it! Love it, love it, love it!"
Larry watches in horror as Balki dances
and hops around near the windmill fans. "Balki! Balki!"
Larry cries, moving with his back still pressed against
the billboard toward Balki, "Get away from the edge!" Larry ends
up standing where the windmill blades are turning and when they come toward him
he has to step forward closer to the edge of the platform until it passes, then
he pushes himself against the sign again. "Cousin, I . . . I can see
the park from here!" Balki notes, oblivious to Larryís frantic scrambling
behind him, "Do you think my little pigeon friends, Steve and Eydie, ever
come up here?" "Will you forget about Steve and Eydie?"
Larry cries, throwing himself against the sign again. "Well, I just
want them to know what a nice, romantic nesting place it is," Balki says,
then he starts calling out in a pigeon coo. "Will you stop fooling
around?" Larry cries. Balki reaches into his pocket and takes out one
of his wrestling figures and makes it threaten Larry, yelling, "Iíll
punch you into next week! And then Iíll find you and Iíll drop kick
you into last month!" Larry starts to throttle Balki again and shakes
him until the deodorant can behind them suddenly sprays and almost knocks them
both off the billboard. They scream in panic, and then push themselves
against the sign and hop their way back to the other side.
Balki looks down over the edge of the
building and says, "Hey, Cousin . . . Cousin, look down there."
Larry looks down and screams, then pulls Balki back against the sign and closes
his eyes in terror. "Cousin, thereís . . . thereís television
cameras down there and . . . and all kind of people.
What are they doing looking at us?" "Well, Balki, thereís more
than a little interest in your decision about your new job," Larry smiles.
Balki looks down and calls, "As soon as I know, youíll know!"
"Balki, they canít hear you," Larry points out, then he starts to
inch toward the ladder, "All right, well, Iíll just, uh . . . leave you
up here and let you get settled." Balki feels his own shoulder and
asks, "Cousin, what do you want?" "Hmm?" Larry asks.
"Didnít you just tap me on the shoulder?" Balki asks.
"No," Larry says, and he starts to climb onto the ladder. Balki
looks attentive and then starts to spin around as Larry very slowly starts down
the ladder. "Start in on your decision," Larry says, "And
take all the time you need. Itís not something you wanna rush
into." Balki stops and puts his hand to his ear and listens, then he
drops down to one knee and holds his arms up in thanks. "If it were
me, Iíd take two, maybe three weeks," Larry continues, then he stops and
sees Balki in his praising pose and comments, "Well, I can see youíre
involved in some kind of meditation, "I . . . Iíll be on my way."
Balki suddenly jumps up and hurries to the
ladder, happily saying, "No, Cousin, that wonít be necessary. Iím
coming with you!" "No!" Larry cries
as Balki tries to climb onto the ladder as well, "No, Balki! Get off!
Get off! Get off the ladder!" Larry bites Balkiís leg and
when he pulls away the ladder starts to fall away from the platform. Larry
screams but Balki grabs his arm and pulls him back to safety. Balki then
grabs Larryís head and pulls him back up onto the platform. "What
is the matter with you?" Larry cries, "You . . . you have an important
decision to make. You have to stay here." "Cousin,
Destiniki was here! I have my answer!" Balki exclaims, "Cousin,
canít you see my new found knowledge has me glowing like my Pee Wee Herman
night light?" Balki strikes a wild Pee Wee Herman-esque pose.
"All right, Balki, you canít do this," Larry insists, "This is
much too important a decision." "Well, you canít stop
me," Balki says, reaching for his backpack. "Well, Balki, you
have to stay here," Larry says, pulling Balki back. "No, I
donít," Balki replies. "Yes, you do," Larry insists.
"No, I donít." "Yes, you do," Larry says, and he
reaches over with his foot and kicks the ladder away from the platform so that
it drops out of sight. "Yes, I do," Balki agrees as the scene
fades to black.
Act two begins where act one left off.
"My heart wants to believe that that was an accident. However, my
eyes saw you deliberately kick that ladder down." "I did it for
you," Larry insists, "I did it to keep you from rushing into a bad
career decision. I mean, shouldnít you be getting another
opinion? Isnít there someone else you can call? Opinioniki?
Futurini? What-should-I-do-ko-nou-ko-niki?" "Cousin, I
want the truth and I want it now!" Balki insists. "All
right," Larry sighs, "Thereís a crazed assassin loose in the
Chronicle and heís after you and this is the only place youíll be
safe." "Cut the babasticki!" Balki says seriously.
"All right, all right," Larry sighs, "All right, the real truth .
. . the real real truth. But I want you to know I resent being
pushed this far. I . . . I suggested to Wainwright that . . . that
somebody live on this billboard until the Bullsí losing streak ended and he
loved the idea and told me to get someone to do it. Well, I . . . Iím
afraid of heights so I tricked you into coming up here." "Liar,
liar, pants for hire!" Balki yells, "Will you just tell me the
truth?" "Balki, that is the truth!" Larry insists,
"Doesnít it sound like something I would do? Itís selfish,
manipulative, uncaring . . . " "It does kind of sound like
something you would do but usually I have to threaten you with bodily harm to
get the truth," Balki points out. "No, Balki, thatís the
truth," Larry assures him. "So . . . you . . . you didnít care
anything about my future?" Balki realizes, "You . . . you just used
"Iím sorry. Iím
sorry," Larry says, "and I sorry I . . . I lied. And I promise
Iíll never do it again." Balki makes a scoffing noise and turns his
head away in disgust. "All right, Iíll try never to do it
again!" Larry offers. Balki makes the same scoffing noise.
"All right, Iíll try never to do it again today," Larry
finally sighs. "Well, I guess thatís as close as weíre gonna
get," Balki says, then he smiles and says, "I forgive you."
Larry smiles. They go to hug and Balki almost knocks Larry backwards off
the platform, causing Larry to scream. They throw themselves back against
the billboard again. "Well, Iím . . . Iím glad we got that
straightened out," Larry sighs. "But weíre still stuck on the
billboard," Balki points out. "Not necessarily," Larry
counters, "If the Bulls win, someone will be up here to get us and weíll
be home free. The gameís on now. Did you bring a radio?"
"Well, of course I did. Donít be ridiculous," Balki replies,
"The TV wouldnít fit in my backpack." Balki goes to his
backpack and pulls out a small transistor radio which he hands to Larry.
Larry turns it on and they hear the sports announcer saying, "What a
basketball game we have here! At a record setting pace the Bulls have
scored twenty-two unanswered points. The score at the end of the first
quarter is Bulls thirty-four; Nicks six." "Did you hear that,
Balki?" Larry asks, "The Bulls have a huge lead. Another couple
of hours weíll be in our nice, safe apartment."
The scene quick dissolves to the billboard
with the caption "Two Days Later." Balki and Larry are now
camped out with a small grill set up for cooking.
Larry, sitting in a camp chair, is stirring one of two pots on the grill.
Dimiti and a photo of Mary Anne are sitting nearby. Larry is bundled up in
his coat but Balki only has on his pants and undershirt. Both Larry and
Balki are unshaven. It is windy and cold. "I canít believe
the Bulls blew a twenty-eight point lead," Larry says bitterly as he pulls
out a pair of socks from the pot heís been stirring with some tongs.
Balki takes the sock and wrings them out, saying, "Cousin, Iíve been
listening to that for two days. If you say it one more time, Iím gonna
throw you off the billboard." "Iím sorry, I wonít mention it
again," Larry promises. "All right," Balki says, and he
takes the sock over to the windmill sail and as one passes he hangs the socks on
it to dry. Balki then holds his armpit up to the can as it sprays him,
then he does the same with his other underarm. He retrieves his shirt,
which is hung on another windmill sail, and walks back to Larry. Balki
sniffs at his underarm and states, "Yep, fresh as a tulip."
As Balki puts on his shirt, he looks down
at the small pan still on the grill. "Cousin, you havenít even
touched your breakfast," he notes, "Your yak links are getting
cold." "Balki, please," Larry says, "I donít wanna
look at another yak link. I am sick of yak links. Didnít you bring
kind of food?" "Cousin, yak links are natureís perfect
food," Balki says, holding up a link to show Larry. Larry pushes it
away and sighs, "I have to get off this billboard. Balki, if we stay
up here weíre gonna freeze to death." Balki stands up to put on his
coat. "Well, Cousin, think of it this way," Balki offers,
"thereís another game tonight. If the Bulls win then we can be home
in time for supper." "Youíre right, youíre right,"
Larry says, reaching for the transistor radio, "We still have a chance.
Any team with Michael Jordan is bound to win." Larry turns on the
radio and they both lean in to listen. The announcer begins, "Good
afternoon and welcome to the Bulls pre-game show. And a special hello to
those two guys on the billboard waiting for the Bulls to win."
"Cousin, thatís us!" Balki says excitedly, "He . . . he
mentioned us! Weíre famous!" "And another special hello
to Michael Jordan who is home in bed with the flu," the announcer says.
"What?!" Larry yells, startling Balki into jumping away.
the Bulls only have to play one game without Michael," the announcer
continues, "Theyíve got a five day layoff after today and that should be
plenty of time for him to get back on his feet. This is good news for
everybody except those two jerks on the billboard." "Cousin, he
mentioned us again!" Balki smiles. "I donít believe
this!" Larry snarls, and he throws the transistor radio off the billboard.
Larry and Balki watch it as it falls and falls, then we hear the sound of car
brakes squealing and horns honking. "Balki, I canít stay up here
another five days," Larry frets, "I canít stay up here another five
minutes! Weíve gotta get off this billboard. If we stay up here,
weíll either freeze to death or the wind will blow us off. Balki, I have
. . . " "Oh God," Balki sighs, seeing it coming.
" . . . a plan!" Larry finishes, "Do you see how close the blades
of the windmill come that radio transmitting tower? Now if we could get on
one of those blades we can reach out, grab the transmitter and climb down."
"But Cousin, what if we fall
off?" Balki asks. "Then weíll be in a nice warm
hospital!" Larry answers, moving toward the windmill, "All right, ready?
Now, when the blades come around, Iíll grab the first one, you grab the second
one. Hang on tight Ďtil it swings us over to the transmitter then grab
on!" "Got it," Balki says. Larry catches one of the
blades of the windmill and steps onto the end, which protrudes out, then holds
on as it swings him up. Unfortunately since Larryís feet are at the
bottom of the sail, he canít realistically reach out and grab the transmitting
tower, and he has to hang on as the blade takes him upside down in a full
circle. Balki jumps onto the next sail and the same thing happens to him.
"Whoa, oh no!" Larry cries, "Whoa! Whoa! Balki, can
you reach it?" "No, I cannot!" Balki calls back, "Can
. . . can you reach it?" "No!" Larry answers, as they
continue to spin around and around. "You know, Cousin, this reminds
me of the Myposian Worldís Fair," Balki comments, "They . . . they
had one rather large woman on it. The Human Rotisserie." As
they continue to spin, they start to cry out, "Help!"
"Mama!" Balki also cries, "Help!"
The next day Balki and Larry are in the
basement of the Chicago Chronicle looking at a photo in the newspaper while
Larry reads the caption aloud.
"ĎChronicle employees Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous cling to the
windmill on the Holland deodorant sign shortly before their rescue.í"
Larry gives the photo a long look and sighs, "I look like a bat. This
is all my fault. If I hadnít smashed the radio into a million pieces, we
wouldíve heard that the Bulls won the game without Michael Jordan and we
wouldnít have gotten stuck on that stupid windmill." "Look on
the bright side, Cousin," Balki offers, "We got sprayed with so much
deodorant weíll never sweat again." Balki sniffs at Larry.
Mr. Wainwright exits the elevator and calls, "Appleton! Bartokomous!
Nice work on that promotion, boys. It was a great idea, Appleton. It
created a lot of publicity for the paper and for the Bulls."
"Well, thank you, sir, but . . . Balki deserves the credit," Larry
admits. "Well, then, I guess Iíll give you these, Bartokomous,"
Mr. Wainwright says, pulling an envelope out of his jacket pocket and handing it
to Balki. "Thank you, Mr. Wainright," Balki says, "What is
it?" "The Bulls were so pleased with the publicity theyíve
given you two courtside seats for the remainder of the season," Mr.
"Oh, Mr. Wainwright!" Balki
smiles broadly. Mr. Wainwright holds open his arms, expecting Balki to hug
him. Instead Balki steps forward and shakes the manís hand, saying,
"Thank you so much." "Enjoy them," Mr. Wainwright
says, and he exits to the loading dock. "Oh ho!" Balki sighs
happily, walking to his table. Larry stands looking expectantly, then
approaches the table. "Balki, I . . . Iím sorry for all the trouble
Iíve caused you the last couple of days." "Oh, thatís okay,
Cousin," Balki assures him, "but I have a bigger problem to solve
now." "Well, whatís that?" Larry asks as Balki gets his
jacket from the coat rack. "Well, I have to figure out who to give
the other ticket to," Balki explains, "Thatís a big decision.
I guess Iím pretty much on my way back up to that billboard." Balki
starts to walk away then turns back. Larry stands, looking more expectant
than ever. Balki starts back toward him and Larry looks relieved, but
Balki only reaches down to pick up a letter heís left on his table, then walks
away again. Larry looks shocked until Balki stops again and turns, smiling
as he goes to wrap his arms around Larry, "Oh come on, Cousin, Iím just
teasing! Of course you can have the other ticket."
There are a number of
differences between the shooting draft script dated February 13, 1991 and the
The first scene starts the same until Balki tells Larry that he thinks the
little pigeon has a new girlfriend. Balki then adds, "They look so
cute together." "When do they want you to start your new
job?" Larry asks. "The pigeons don't care about my new
job," Balki scoffs, "They're in love." "I meant, when
does Mr. Beekman want you to start your new job?" Larry tries again.
- After Mr. Wainwright comes in and tells Larry
that he finally liked one of the memos Larry slips under his door every day,
Larry says, "Thank you, sir. Which one did you like? I don't
know if you've noticed, but I color code the memos. Monday is blue,
Tuesday is . . . " "Appleton, I don't have time for this,"
Mr. Wainwright interrupts, "I'm a busy man." "Of course you
are, sir," Larry continues, "You run a major metropolitan newspaper
and don't think I don't appreciate your taking the time . . . "
"Appleton, you're babbling," Mr. Wainwright points out. "Of
course I am, sir," Larry says, "I have a tendency to babble.
It's a failing of mine, but I'm working on it. I'll stop now."
- When Balki comes out of the bedroom loaded down
with things, Larry asks, "What is all this stuff?" "What
stuff?" Balki asks. "The stuff hanging off your body,"
Larry says. They push each other back and forth as they talk and Balki
tries to keep his balance. "Oh, this," Balki says, realizing
what Larry means, "It's just the bare essentials for my journey to the
mountain to make my decision. I have my sleeping bag. My camping
stove. And my Wrestle Mania finger puppets." Balki pulls out a
puppet and makes it threaten Larry, saying, "I'll body slam you to the mat
and pile drive you through the floor." He puts the puppet away and
continues, "But I don't have time to talk, Cousin. I have a bus to
catch." This is when Balki falls back against the kitchen counter
pillars. "You can't leave now . . . I mean, where are you
going?" Larry asks. Then Balki explains about Mount Woolarock.
- Larry's line about getting up on the billboard by
tip-off is not in this script. After Larry tells Balki, "I'm here for
you, buddy," Balki says, "This changes everything. I better
unpack the pig jowl pudding and get it into the refrigerator before it
spoils." Then Balki knocks Larry to the floor and careens into the
front door and then back on the couch.
- When they first get up on the billboard, after
Balki takes off his backpack he tells Larry, "Cousin, you don't look down,
you miss the view."
- After Larry pulls Balki away from the windmill,
he scolds, "Will you stop it. Unless Steve and Edie taught you to
fly, stay away from the windmill blades."
- After Balki tells Larry to look down, Larry says,
"Don't make me look down. As long as I look straight ahead, I'll be
okay." Larry looks straight ahead and takes a half-step forward.
"Ahhh. I'm fine," he sighs. This is when Balki points out
the television cameras below.
- After Balki says his new found knowledge has him
glowing like his Pee Wee Herman nightlight, he announces, "I'm staying with
the Chronicle. Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy."
Balki tries to get Larry to do the Dance of Joy. "No, we don't do the
Dance of Joy," Larry argues, "You can't have your answer yet.
You're supposed to sit up here, clear your head, get an overview. I'm sure
there's a chant of some kind you could be doing." "Well, there
is the Rejoicing Chant," Balki admits, "You do that naked at the foot
of the mountain." "No, no, no," Larry urges, "Forget
the chant." "Alright. I'll just get naked," Balki
says. "Balki, I'm telling you, you can't rush into this decision
until you've examined all sides of the issue," Larry insists, "Did
Destiniki say anything about inflation?" "No, I don't think he
did," Balki answers. "Well, if you stay at the Chronicle you'll
be making the same salary," Larry points out, "Inflation eats up your
salary. On the other hand, if you leave the Chronicle you'll be making
more money. And what will you do with that money? Invest it?
In what? What about interest rates? Will they go up? Will they
go down? Balki, the entire American economy could be affected by your
decision." "Cousin, I'm sure Destiniki wouldn't want me to leave
my friends for something as silly and insignificant as money," Balki says,
"After all, what is money? Coins? Paper? Or on Mypos,
dried eggplant slices and pork rinds? The point is I've been told not to
take the new mailroom job. And by the way, Destiniki said you should cut
down on saturated fats. So when we get home, I'm going to throw away those
Double Stuffed Oreos you have hidden in your sock drawer." This is
when Larry and Balki argue about staying on the billboard with "No, I
don't" and "Yes, you do."
- At the start of act two, Balki says he wants to
believe that Larry kicking down the ladder was an accident but he saw him kick
it with his own eyes. "Now, before my hands decide to ring your
little neck, why did you do that?" Balki asks.
- When Balki demands the truth, Larry stalls with,
"Alright. The truth. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth. Alright . . . Ah . . . " Then he tells Balki
about the crazed assassin.
- After Balki points out that he usually has to
threaten Larry with bodily harm before he gets the truth, he adds, "I'm
sorry I doubted you, Cousin." "That's alright, Balki,"
Larry assures him.
- When Larry asks if Balki brought a radio, Balki
just answers, "Yes, I did," and doesn't mention anything about the
television not fitting into his backpack.
- After Balki says that yak links are nature's
perfect food he adds, "They're chock full of protein and loaded with
- After Larry says they have to get off the
billboard and that they're going to freeze to death, he adds, "We'll be
known as the fools who froze to death on the deodorant billboard."
- After Larry screams "What??" upon
hearing that Michael Jordan is in bed with the flu, Balki says, "He said
Michael Jordan has the flu. And we thought we had it bad."
- This version of the script has Larry realizing he
is looking down after following the falling path of the radio and flattening
himself against the billboard again. "Cousin, don't be upset,"
Balki comforts him, "Michael Jordan just has the flu."
- After Larry and Balki climb onto the blades of
the windmill, they make one full rotation. "Cousin, why didn't you
grab the transmitter?" Balki asks. "My hands are frozen to the
blade," Larry explains. "Oh," Balki says, and then a beat
later he continues, "Then that explains why I can't get my hands loose.
How long until spring?"
- After Larry says he looks like a bat when looking
at his picture in the paper, Balki takes the paper from Larry and turns it
upside down. "No, you don't," Balki assures him, "Of course
you might think about having those pointy little teeth filed down."
- The rest of the script is the same.
on to the next episode . . .