Strangers Episode Guide
106 - Black Widow
First Air Date:
November 30, 1990
Filming Date: September 26, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 13.9 HH
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Amundsen
Directed by: Judy Pioli
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Appearances: Dimitri can be seen sitting on the coffee table as Balki is
packing for the trip to Mount Whitefish.
"Iím building up the old ham things."
"Jenniferís on her way to Hong Kong and the police are too busy for you
to send on some wild moose chase."
"Now what are the chances of that happening? One in a dozen?"
"Cousin, I told you once, I told you twice, I told you two times . . .
"Iím gonna climb up this rope and if you wanna stay here then you sue
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Oh my Lord!"
"Are you out of your mind?"
"Where do I come up with them?"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Balki makes a remark like "Well something something and call me
something," in this case "Well, feed me carbos and call me fatty"
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Jennifer tells Larry sheís flattered by a certain quality of his but then has
an opposite reaction to one of his negative qualities
We finally learn that Mary Anneís last name is Spencer.
No Mountain High Enough" - sung by Balki as he is stuck on the ledge of the
mountain he and Mary Anne are climbing
- This episode marked the first time that anyone had ever mentioned Mary
Anneís last name as Spencer. Jennifer was introduced from the very
beginning as Jennifer Lyons, but it took fans four more seasons before we
learned Mary Anneís last name.
- Balki and Larryís neighbor, Mrs. Schlegelmilch,
was again mentioned in this episode.
- The character of Tess was originally included in
this episode. She was supposed to be hanging onto Balkiís back as he is
in training for his mountain climbing trip with Mary Anne. Unfortunately,
Alisan Porter ended up being replaced by a television set. To read the
original version with Tess, check out the Script Variations below!
- The name Whitefish (as in Mount Whitefish, Lake
Whitefish) would come up several times in the series, although there doesnít
seem to be any such place near Chicago, Illinois (although there is a Whitefish
Resort in Montana).
- When Balki tells Larry that maybe he can find out
who killed Laura Palmer, heís making a reference to the then popular ABC
series Twin Peaks, which had begun airing earlier that year.
- Working in another reference to an ABC series was
Lydiaís mention of Columbo, starring Peter Falk. The show originally
aired in the 1970's, but an all new Columbo series aired on ABC from 1989 to
- Larry explains to Jennifer that all the murders Mary Anne committed
were in the space of two years that Jennifer was out of touch with her.
But then Larry says she was on trial four times and never convicted. Are
we to believe she not only was to have killed at least four people in two years
but that four police investigations and court trials could take place within
that time as well?
- Larry is an investigative reporter, but he
couldnít see that two captions for two stories were switched? Wouldnít
there have been another picture of a woman being led by police that he should
have seen? Not to mention the fact he could have looked up other stories
in other newspapers at the library!
- When Mary Anne explains about the two caption on
the photos being mixed up, she refers to them as if they were right in front of
her. But she is holding a photo album scrapbook of her own and the archive
book is nowhere to be seen.
episode begins at the Chicago Chronicle. Larry is at his desk, looking
through a book of past newspaper articles. Balki puts on his jacket and
walks over to the desk, asking, "Cousin, are you ready to go? I
thought we might have dinner at that new Chinese / Italian deli. I heard
great things about their moo shu fettuccini." "Well, no time
today, Balki," Larry says, "Iím busy researching a series weíre
doing on mass murders. Itís really fascinating stuff. Iíve
discovered that average people can turn out to be murderers. It could be
the man in the bank with the nice smile . . . could be the man in the barbershop
with the little moustache . . . " "Could be the . . . the man on
a clock tower with the high-powered rifle," Balki offers.
it could," Larry agrees after a moment, "Balki . . . I need to finish
this research so if youíll excuse me?" "Okay, Cousin,"
Balki says, "Iíll bring you home some fortune cannoli. Bye."
Balki exits to the parking garage and Larry sits down at his desk to continue
his research. He turns a page and then spots something, lifting the book
to take a better look as he reads aloud to himself, "ĎMabel Alice
Stallings as she is escorted into court under heavy security to stand trial for
murder.í" Larry picks up a magnifying glass to take a closer look
at the blonde woman shown in the old black and white photograph. "Oh
my Lord!" Larry exclaims, "Itís Mary Anne!"
that night, we see the exterior of the apartment building and hear Jennifer
saying, "Larry, it has to be a mistake." Inside, Larry is
sitting on the couch with Jennifer, showing her the article in the book.
He sets the book down on the coffee table and argues, "Jennifer, face the
facts. The woman you share an apartment with is a homicidal
psychopath!" "Larry, youíve got to stop watching
ĎAmericaís Most Wanted,í" Jennifer suggests, "Mary Anne is my
best friend. I . . . I think I would know if she were a mass
murderer." "Well, I donít think thatís something you share,
even with your best friend," Larry counters, "Jennifer, you canít
deny the facts. Fact! Mary Anneís picture is in the archives.
Fact! When someone changes their identity they always keep the same
initials. Mabel Alice Stallings . . . Mary Anne Spencer. Same
initials . . . M.A.S. Fact!"
Before Larry can continue, Balki enters
the apartment with a television set strapped to his back. He proceeds to
walk to the coffee table
where he starts stepping up and down in a quick rhythm. "Hi, Cousin .
. . Hi, Jennifer," Balki greets them without stopping his steps.
Larry gets to his feet and asks, "Balki?" "Yeah?"
Balki asks. "Why do you have a television strapped to your
back?" Larry ventures. "Because the refrigerator almost killed
me," Balki explains. "But Balki, why do you have any
appliances strapped to your back?" Larry tries. "Iím training,
Cousin," Balki answers, "Iím building up the old ham things.
Mary Anne and I are going to Mount Whitefish this weekend. Weíre going
to climb needlenose peak." "Balki, Balki, Balki," Larry
tries to interrupt. Not able to keep up with Balkiís up and down motion,
Larry places a foot on the coffee table and starts moving up and down along with
Balki to talk to him. "Jennifer and I are dealing with something very
important so could you please do this somewhere else?"
turns and walks to the chair and starts stepping up on it, saying, "Sure,
Cousin, I could do it over here . . . " "No, not there,"
Larry says. "Or I could do it on my bed," Balki says, heading
for his bedroom. "No," Larry protests. Balki heads for the
kitchen, saying, "I could do it on the counter but that would be a
stretch." "No," Larry says, "Balki, use the
stairs." "Cousin, the stairs are not really a challenge,"
Balki points out as he starts to step up on the end table by the couch,
"And Mrs. Schlegelmilch donít need her TV back until
ĎNightline.í" "Go now," Larry insists.
"Okay," Balki agrees, heading for the front door and leaving.
Larry sits back down on the couch and asks, "Now where was I?"
Jennifer thinks a moment then says, "Fact!" in the same manner Larry
does. "Right," Larry agrees, then continues, "Fact!
Mary Anne . . . . is gonna spend the weekend alone with Balki? I canít
let him go!" Larry jumps to his feet and Jennifer tries to calm him.
Larry, would you listen to yourself? Now Mary Anne and I have known each
other all our lives. We grew up together, we went to school together.
Weíre inseparable." "Really?" Larry asks, "Youíve
never been apart?" "Well, uh . . . we did lose touch for a
couple of years," Jennifer remembers. "Ah ha!" Larry says,
"And would that be between Ď84 and Ď85?" "W . . . well,
yes," Jennifer nods. "Fact!" Larry shouts as he picks up
the book to show Jennifer again, "All the murders were committed in 1984
and 1985." "Larry, itís just a coincidence!" Jennifer
says. "Yes, well, did she ever tell you what she was doing during
those years you were apart?" Larry asks. "Well, no,"
Jennifer admits, "She doesnít like to talk about that time in her life.
She calls it her . . . dark years." "Well, that has a nicer ring
than Ďmy murdering, psychotic years,í" Larry notes. Jennifer sits
down and Larry sits beside her.
. . . okay, wait, wait . . . " Jennifer says, "Explain this to me . .
. if Mary Anne is this Mabel Alice Stallings why isnít she in jail? It
says right here she was on trial for murder." "Because I found
out she was acquitted," Larry explains, "They never found the body.
In fact, she was tried for murder four times and none of the bodies have ever
been found." Jennifer stands up and says, "Larry, Iím going
upstairs to wait for Mary Anne to come home." "No, no. You
canít do that!" Larry argues. "Larry, Iím going,"
Jennifer insists, walking past him to the door, "Now when Mary Anne gets
home Iím gonna bring her downstairs and weíll clear this whole thing up,
okay?" "Okay," Larry agrees reluctantly. Just before
Jennifer leaves, Larry warns, "But whatever you do . . . donít call her
Later that night, Balki is at the couch
packing a knapsack for his climbing trip with Mary Anne. He even packs a
small television set in the
knapsack. Larry enters from his bedroom, holding the book with the
archived articles close to his chest. "Cousin, Cousin," Balki
says, "Look . . . look what I got Mary Anne . . . I bought her this because
she was complaining that she didnít have a good camping hatchet."
Balki pulls a shiny new hatchet out of a small cloth bag. Larry eyes it in
shock. "No! No hatchet!" he cries, trying to grab it from
Balki. "No, no, no, Cousin, Cousin, be careful," Balki warns,
"Itís very sharp. Mary Anne said she needed a hatchet that was
razor sharp." "So you went out and got it for her?" Larry
cries, "What is the matter with you? Are you out of your mind?
Donít you see whatís going on here?" "All I see is a man
with tremendous mood swings," Balki observes, then he moves the hatchet
wildly as he says, "I mean, first youíre up, then youíre down, then
youíre over here, then youíre over there . . . I mean, what is this
emotional roller coaster youíre on? Is something bothering you?"
"Yes . . . y . . . " Larry grabs
the hatchet away from Balki and sets it on top of Balkiís knapsack.
"Yes . . . something is bothering me. Balki, listen
. . . " Larry directs Balki to sit on the couch with him.
"S . . . suppose someone who is close to you . . . someone you thought you
knew really well . . . did a hideous, horrible thing." Balki eyes
Larry for a moment, then asks, "You drank milk out of the carton again,
didnít you?" There is a knock at the door and Balki gets up to
answer it. Mary Anne enters with her hair tied back and looking dirty and
disheveled. "Hi, Balki!" she smiles, giving him a kiss.
She walks into the living room and smiles, "Hi, Larry!" Mary
Anne sees the hatchet on the backpack and goes to pick it up. "Oh,
Balki, is this my camping hatchet?" "Yeah," Balki confirms.
"Itís perfect!" Mary Anne enthuses as Balki giggles happily.
Larry has moved away from the couch and stands, holding the book tightly.
"Whereís Jennifer?" he asks. "Oh, sheís gone,"
Mary Anne says sadly. "What do you mean Ďgone?í" Larry asks
nervously. "She was called to fill in on a flight to Hong Kong,"
Mary Anne answers.
believe you," Larry insists, "You have no reason to lie to me."
"Gotta run," Mary Anne says, and she heads for the door with her
hatchet. Balki closes the door behind her as she leaves. Larry runs
over to Balki and states, "Balki . . . Mary Anne killed Jennifer!"
"What?" Balki asks. Larry then puts the chain on the door and
locks the deadbolt before turning to Balki again. "Donít you
understand?" Larry cries, "Mary Anne is a mass murderer!"
"Now, Cousin, itís one thing to call her a lousy bowler but now youíve
gone too far," Balki protests. "Iíve gotta call the
police," Larry says, and he runs to the phone on the counter. Balki
runs along in front of him and covers the phone with his hands.
"Cousin, are you out of your mind?" Balki asks, "Mary Anne
didnít kill Jennifer. Jenniferís on her way to Hong Kong and the
police are too busy for you to send on some wild moose chase." Larry
runs around to the other side of the counter and sets the book down. Balki
grabs the phone and pulls it away from the counter.
Larry says, grabbing the cord of the phone to pull both it and Balki toward him,
"I have proof that Mary Anne is a murderer." Larry opens the
book to show Balki. "Look!" Balki looks at the article and
says, "Thatís a very nice picture of Mary Anne." "Read
the caption," Larry instructs. Balki reads the caption aloud, "ĎMabel
Alice Stallings as she is escorted into court under heavy security to stand . .
. " Balki stops reading so Larry points out the next line.
" . . . trial for murder,í" Balki finishes. Balki looks at
Larry with his mouth open wide. "Mabel Alice Stallings is a dead
ringer for Mary Anne," Balki gasps, "Now what are the chances of that
happening? One in a dozen?" "Balki!" Larry cries,
"If you go on this trip with Mary Anne sheíll kill you just like she
killed Jennifer." Larry then sobs, "I never even had a chance to
say goodbye!" The phone rings and Larry picks up the receiver.
"Hello," Larry says, then, "Jennifer . . . Jennifer? Itís
Jennifer!" "Well, feed me carbos and call me fatty," Balki
comments. "Yeah, yeah, all right, all right, listen," Larry
says, "Just cough once if Mary Anne is making you say this."
After a moment, Larry says in a humbled
voice, "Yes, all right . . . Iíll stop acting like this. Uh huh . .
. uh huh . . . no, I . . . I understand. You . . .
you . . . donít want to marry a crazy man. Yeah, Iíll talk to you when
you get back. Yeah. Yeah. Bye bye." Larry hangs up
the phone. Balki leans in and gives Larry an "I-told-you-so"
look. "That was Jennifer?" he asks. "Yeah,"
Larry answers, "She was calling from the airport." "The
airport," Balki repeats, "On her way to . . . " "Hong
Kong," Larry admits. "Hong Kong," Balki says, "Hong
Kong. So that would indicate that Mary Anne didnít kill her."
Larry nods reluctantly. "Iím sorry," Balki says, leaning an
ear closer to him. "Yes," Larry says louder, "Yes . . .
yes." "Well, um . . . if youíll excuse me, Cousin, I, uh . . .
Iíve got a camping trip to pack for but, but hey . . . now that youíve
solved the Jennifer murder maybe you can figure out who killed Laura
Palmer." Balki makes a face to indicate Larry is crazy and starts to
move away as the scene fades to black.
two begins with an establishing shot of the Chicago Chronicle. We hear
Larry saying, "I am so embarrassed. I made a complete fool out of
myself." In the basement, we see Larry is standing at his desk
talking to Lydia. "Running around saying that . . . that someone as
sweet as Mary Anne killed four men and Jennifer!" Larry laughs, then he
adds as he motions to the archives book, "Well, Iím sure thereís a
logical explanation for this picture." "There is," Lydia
nods with a forced smile, "Mary Anne is a mass murderer."
"What?" Larry asks. "Larry, look at the facts," Lydia
urges, "The picture . . . the dark years . . . the hatchet!" Lydia
rolls her eyes wildly. "B . . . but Jenniferís alive and in Hong
Kong," Larry reminds her. "Of course sheís in Hong Kong . . .
so she wonít be a witness to the murder," Lydia explains, "You do
not have to be Columbo to figure out whatís going on around here!"
I canít let Balki go on that trip with Mary Anne!" Larry gasps.
"If you do . . . heís a dead man!" Lydia says dramatically.
Larry stares at her in shock. Mr. Gorpley exits his office.
"Mr. Gorpley!" Larry calls, "Whereís Balki?"
"Oh, heís on his way to some mountain," Mr. Gorpley answers
casually. "What?!" Larry gasps. "Well, he said he was
going away for the weekend. I told him to take the rest of the day off and
get an early start." Mr. Gorpley thinks about this and says with
disgust, "Wait a minute . . . I was nice and I got nothing out of it."
"Iíve got to get to that mountain and save Balki!" Larry states,
"I just hope itís not too late!" Larry runs out through the
We see an establishing shot of a lovely
mountainous area and then of a high cliff. At the top of the cliff, we see
carrying rope and a backpack, climb into view, having reached the summit.
She looks back down the cliff and calls, "How ya doiní, Balki?"
Balki is standing on a ledge below, drinking from a bottle. He drops the
bottle, which plummets down the cliff face far, far below. "Uh . . .
well, Iím stuck . . . my feet hurt . . . and . . . and I just dropped my water
bottle." After a moment he adds, "This is fun!"
"Donít worry," Mary Anne calls, "Iíll throw down a rope to
help you." Larry suddenly appears from the other direction and runs
to confront Mary Anne, shouting, "Hold it right there, Mabel!"
"Larry! What are you doing here?" Mary Anne asks in a startled
voice, then she looks around and asks, "And whoís Mabel?"
"Oh please!" Larry says with disgust, "I know all about you.
You may be good, but not good enough to outsmart Larry Appleton. Now
whereís Balki?" "Balkiís stuck and I was just about to throw
this rope down to help him," Mary Anne starts to explain.
"Nice try, Mabel!" Larry says,
and he grabs the coils of rope Mary Anne is holding and pulls both it and her
down to the level ground. Larry then
takes the coiled rope from her, leaving her holding the end, and runs circles
around her. Mary Anne simply turns around with him, keeping the rope from
wrapping around her. "Larry, what are you doing?" she asks.
Larry stops and asks her to "Hold it." Mary Anne stops turning
and Larry runs around her again, this time pulling the rope around her as he
runs. "Iím making sure that you donít get away," Larry
explains, "And then I am going to save Balki." Larry stops and
throws the rope around Mary Anne a few more times. He tucks the rest of
the rope through the rest, causing Mary Anne to go "Ooh!" Larry then
sets her down in a sitting position and starts up the small incline to the cliff
edge. He stops and says to Mary Anne, "I think I speak for Jennifer
when I say you are out of the wedding!" Mary Anne reacts with a hurt
look on her face.
looks down over the cliff and calls out, "Balki, hang on!" He
reaches down and picks up a coil of rope, which he throws over the edge.
It falls past Balki, since Larry didnít tie the end to anything. Mary
Anne rolls her eyes. "It wonít be long now!" Larry calls down,
and he picks up another coil of rope, reminding himself, "Tie first, then
throw . . . tie first, then throw." Larry proceeds to tie the end of
the rope to a very small twig of a tree. "Uh Larry, thatís not a
good idea," Mary Anne warns. "Oh, and I suppose murdering my
best friend is a good idea?" Larry counters. "No,"
Mary Anne says worriedly, "Thatís not a good idea, either."
Larry finishes tying the rope and then throws the rest over the cliff.
"Hang on, Balki," he calls, "Hang on! Iím coming!"
Larry climbs over the edge of the cliff and starts down, using the rope.
As Larry descends, Balki is leaning against the cliff with his eyes closed
singing "Ainít No Mountain High Enough" to himself. Larry
clambers onto the ledge Balki is on as Balki moves his hands to the song.
Balki opens his eyes and is startled to see Larry standing beside him.
"Hi, Cousin," Balki says,
"Glad you could drop in." Balki laughs at his own joke and
exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?" As Balki
gestures, he almost falls forward off the ledge. Larry manages to push him
back against the cliff. "Balki, thank God youíre safe," Larry
sighs. "Cousin, Iím fine, but . . . but you seem a little bit
upset," Balki observes, "You seem like a person whoís at the end of
his rope." Balki laughs at his own joke and again exclaims,
"Where do I come up with them?" as he almost falls off the cliff once
more. Larry pushes Balki back. "All right, Balki, thereís no
time for jokes," Larry says seriously, "Iíve come here to save you.
Now here, grab this rope." Larry hands Balki the rope he climbed down
on. "Okay, Cousin, I have a question," Balki says, "Is this
rope secure? Because Mary Anne always said that one of the first rules of
rope climbing is to make sure that your lifeline is anchored safely."
"Balki, when Larry Appleton ties a knot, it stays tied," Larry
insists, and to prove his point he starts yanking on the rope. Suddenly
the rope grows slack in his hands and the small tree plummets past them, taking
the rope with it. Larry is startled and grabs on to Balki, screaming and
okay, itís okay," Balki says, hanging on to Larry, "Iíve got you.
Iíve got you." Balki pulls Larry back onto the ledge by the neck.
"Balki, weíre trapped," Larry says, "Thereís no way
out." "Cousin, weíre not trapped," Balki assures him,
"Mary Anne is still on top of the mountain. Weíll just ask her to
throw a rope down. Mary Anne?" "Itís gonna be tough for
her to do," Larry says. "Why?" Balki asks. "I
tied her up," Larry answers. "Why did you do that?" Balki
asks. "I tied her up because sheís trying to kill you," Larry
insists. "Cousin, I told you once, I told you twice, I told you two
times, Mary Anne is not trying to kill me!" Balki starts to shake
Larry and they both lean precariously over the ledge, grabbing on to each other
with fear. The lean back against the cliff but Larry is looking down and
panicking. "Cousin, Cousin," Balki urges, "Eye contact!
Eye contact! Eye contact! Eye contact!" Slowly Larry
looks up into Balkiís eyes and calms down. "Good! Good!"
Balki praises, "Now Cousin, whatever you do, donít even think about
falling down because if you fall youíre gonna have plenty of time to think
about it on the way down."
Balki motions to Larryís other side and
says, "Now, I gotta get over there so just let me through. I gotta
get through." Larry doesnít budge, too
frightened to move. "Okay?" Balki asks, "Okay?"
"Okay," Larry says, not moving, "All right." "I
gotta get through," Balki repeats. "Okay," Larry says,
still frozen. "I gotta get through," Balki says again.
"What?" Larry asks, hearing what Balki has said for the first time.
"I gotta get through!" "Okay, wait, what are you doing?
Where are you going?" "Iím gonna go . . . behind you,"
Balki explains. "Okay," Larry says, and he starts to move out
slightly as Balki tries to squeeze behind him. "Okay, all right.
All right," Larry says, "Be careful. Careful." Larry
turns around as Balki passes behind him saying, "Eye contact. Eye
contact." "Go ahead," Larry says. "Here comes
the leg," Balki says, moving his leg past Larry to a slightly higher ledge,
"Here comes the leg." "Okay." "The leg."
"Got it." "Okay, Iím going. Iím going."
Balki keeps himself pressed against the cliff as he moves past Larry to the
higher ledge. Balki places a hand on Larryís face to push himself past
the rest of the way.
"Oh no . . . oh no!" Balki
cries, finding himself in a more precarious position. He looks back down
at Larry and says, "Eye contact." After
looking each other in the eyes, Balki says, "Good," then continues.
Balki climbs further up and then reaches for a branch sticking out of the cliff.
Balki grabs the branch and sighs with relief when suddenly the branch pulls out
of the cliff and falls. Balki and Larry both scream and then repeat over
and over, "Eye contact! Eye contact! Eye contact! Eye
contact!" They look at each othersí eyes and then sigh, "Good!
Good!" "Now, Cousin, Iím . . . " Balki whimpers as he
starts back down, "Iím coming down. Iím coming down."
"Come on, come on," Larry encourages. Balki steps back down
closer to the original ledge and says, "Okay, I . . . I wanna get over
there." "No," Larry says, "Stay over there."
"I wanna get over there!" Balki cries. "Stay over
there!" Larry insists. "I gotta get over there! I donít
feel safe over here!" Balki cries. "Okay, okay," Larry
agrees. Once again Balki moves behind Larry as they switch places.
"Careful, careful," Larry urges. "Okay," Balki says.
Once Balki is back on the other side Larry, who has been grabbing the rock face,
grabs Balkiís shirt.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" Balki cries in pain. "What is
it?" Larry cries worriedly, "What is it?" "Chest hair!
Chest hair! Chest hair!" Balki cries. Larry lets go and rubs
Balkiís chest, then turns around. A rope suddenly drops past them and
dangles close to where they are standing. Mary Anne calls down from the
top of the cliff, "Balki! Larry! I tied the rope to a big tree!
Itís safe to climb up!" Balki grabs the rope but Larry warns,
"Balki, itís a trap!" then wonders, "How did she get
loose?" "Mary Anne, how you did get loose?" Balki calls.
"Oh, Larry couldnít tie a knot if his life depended on it," Mary
Anne notes. Balki offers the rope to Larry and asks, "Would you like
to go first?" "Balki, Iím telling you itís a trap,"
Larry says, "If we grab onto that rope and try to climb up sheíll let go
and weíll hit the ground so hard theyíll take us home in a pizza box!"
I trust Mary Anne and . . . and Iím gonna climb up this rope," Balki
insists, "Now Mary Anne wouldnít do anything to harm either one of us, so
I . . . Iím gonna climb up this rope and if you wanna stay here then you sue
yourself." Larry steps down to a lower ledge as Balki uses the rope
to start to climb up. "Mary Anne, Iím coming!" Balki calls,
"Do we have any of those tuna sandwiches left?" "Well, I .
. . Iíll be fine!" Larry calls after Balki, "Iíll take my chances
climbing down." Larry hangs on to a rock and lowers his right foot,
trying to find a foothold below which doesnít exist. After trying for a
few moments, Larry gives up. Larry finally looks up and calls, "Balki?
Back at the apartment, we hear
Jenniferís voice over the establishing shot saying, "Iím sure Mary Anne
can solve this mystery." Mary Anne is sitting on the couch next to
Balki and Jennifer and Larry are on the other side. Mary Anne is holding a
which sheís showing to them. "You see, they got the captions on
these two pictures mixed up. This is a picture of me at the police academy
graduation with my boyfriend." "Wait a minute," Jennifer
says as she eyes the photo, "Is that Tim Dark? I used to date
him." Mary Anne sets the album down and explains, "Well, after
you and Tim broke up we went out for two years. I was afraid you might get
mad so I never showed you that picture." "So thatís why you
call them the ĎDark years,í" Balki realizes, then adds, "I guess
these are the . . . Bartokomous years." Balki and Mary Anne lean
closer to kiss but Larry interrupts them with, "Well . . . I guess I owe
everybody an apology. Should I do Ďem one at a time or all
together?" "Well, when . . . when he embarrasses us itís
usually a group apology," Balki notes, "but when he lies itís mostly
individual." Jennifer and Mary Anne nod. "Then there was
the time we got those gift certificates," Balki recalls. "Oh
yeah," Mary Anne nods. "So I guess weíre due for
individual," Balki concludes, then tells Larry, "Individual."
"Mary Anne," Larry begins,
"Iím sorry I thought you were a homicidal maniac . . . who killed my
fiancee and was going to kill my best friend." "Oh
thatís okay, Larry," Mary Anne offers. "Balki, Iím sorry I
almost got you killed on the side of the mountain," Larry says.
"Oh, come on, donít worry about it, Cousin," Balki says, "Iím
just sorry that forest ranger had to see you cry." "Jennifer,
Iím sorry for making you feel like youíre engaged to a crazy man,"
Larry continues. "Well, Larry, Iím flattered that you were so
concerned about me but . . . frightened by how quickly you lose touch with
reality." "I promise it . . . it wonít happen again,"
Larry says, standing up, "And now what díya say we all go out and have a
nice, quiet dinner?" "Okay," the others agree and they get
up from the couch and head for the front door. Larry holds the door open
for the girls and Jennifer walks out first. Mary Anne stops before going
through the door and turns back to Larry, saying, "This isnít over,
Appleton. Iíd sleep with one eye open if I were you." Mary
Anne exits, leaving Larry stunned. Larry closes the door as Balki comes up
behind him, and then Mary Anne opens the door and she and Jennifer poke their
heads back in as all three tell Larry, "Gotcha!" On Larryís
reaction, the episode ends.
There were some
notable differences between the Revised First Draft dated September 21, 1990 and
the final episode:
episode begins with Balki at his table doing a crossword puzzle. Larry
enters from the archives carrying a large book. It's a bound volume of
back issues of the Chronicle. "Cousin, I need your help," Balki
says, "What's a six letter word for 'do over?'" Larry thinks,
then answers, "'Repeat.'" "What's a six letter word for 'do
over?'" Balki repeats. "'Repeat,'" Larry answers again.
"What's a six letter word for 'do over?'" "'Repeat,'"
Larry insists, "The word is 'repeat.'" (This bit was cut from
this episode but would be used in at the beginning of the following week's
episode, The Sunshine Boys.) "Why you didn't say so in
the first place?" Balki asks, then, "How about a six letter word for .
. . " "Balki, I'm really busy," Larry points out, "I'm
researching a series we're doing on mass murderers. It's going to be
called 'Killers In Our Midst.'" "I saw that movie, Cousin,"
Balki says, "Sigourney Weaver was terrific. Of course, she had a
great supporting cast." "That was 'Gorillas in the Mist,'"
Larry explains. He then goes on to explain how ordinary people can be
murderers and Balki makes the comment about the man on the clock tower.
"Yes, it could. Balki, I need to finish this research," Larry
continues, "I need to concentrate." "Well, I'd love to help
you concentrate, Cousin, but I have mail to deliver," Balki replies, and he
exits. Larry then looks at the book and sees the article with the photo of
- In the second scene,
Jennifer's first line is, "Look, Larry, I admit it's a picture of Mary
Anne, but it has to be a mistake."
- When Balki enters he
is carrying Tess on his back. They're both laughing. "Let's
climb the stairs again, Balki," Tess urges. "Shouldn't you and
Tess be playing outside?" Larry asks. "We're not playing,
Cousin," Balki explains, "Mary Anne and I are going to Mount Whitefish
this weekend to climb Needlenose Peak." "Well Balki, Jennifer
and I are having a serious conversation." "No problem,
Cousin," Balki says, "We still haven't reached the summit."
"You better hurry, Balki," Tess says, "I think a storm is coming.
Cloudburst." Tess takes out a water pistol and sprays Larry.
"That's very funny, dear," Larry says with extreme patience, "Why
don't you go outside? We don't permit weather in the house."
"Come on, Tess," Balki says, "We've got to climb the rest of
these stairs." Balki and Tess leave, singing "Ain't No Mountain
- After Larry tells
Jennifer that Mary Anne was acquitted four times, Balki comes back in without
Tess. "Cousin, I think climbing the mountain will be easier when my
backpack doesn't have arms and legs," Balki notes. "Balki, I
have to talk to you," Larry says. "Larry, don't," Jennifer
urges. "Jennifer, he has a right to know," Larry says, "Balki,
about this trip you're planning with Mary Anne . . . " "Cousin,
did I tell you Mary Anne said she knows the perfect place for us to camp?"
Balki asks, "A secluded, isolated place where we can be by ourselves,
completely alone, where no one would ever think to look for us."
After a beat, Balki concludes, "I'm excited." "Balki, I
have to tell you something . . . I don't know quite how to put it . . . It's
hard for me to say . . . " Larry hesitates. "Go ahead,
Cousin," Balki encourages him. "Balki . . . You girlfriend's a
killer," Larry finally gets out. "Thank you, Cousin," Balki
replies, flattered, "Jennifer's no slouch either." Balki goes to
his bedroom and Larry starts to follow, calling, "Balki."
Jennifer says, "I don't believe this. I'm engaged to a lunatic."
She then tells Larry she's going upstairs to wait for Mary Anne and Larry tells
her not to call her Mabel.
- After Balki tells
Larry that Mary Anne said she needed a hatchet that was razor sharp, Larry
replies, "Of course she did." "Cousin, forgive me for
saying this, but you've been on a ledge all evening," Balki notes, "Is
something bothering you?"
- After Balki assumes
that Larry drank milk out of the carton again he adds, "Yes, it's hideous,
but at least you admit it and you're working on your problem."
- When Mary Anne
enters she doesn't see or comment on the hatchet. After Larry says he
believes Mary Anne and that she has no reason to lie to him, Balki comments,
"Mary Anne, I love your new earthy look, so increasingly popular in the
90's." "Thanks," Mary Anne replies, "I was just
cleaning out my closet. To tell the truth, I'm glad Jennifer's out of the
way. She can be so annoying when I'm trying to get things done.
Sometimes I could just kill her. 'Bye." After Mary Anne exits,
Larry says, "Balki, Mary Anne killed Jennifer. I have to call the
police." Larry heads for the phone but Balki stops him.
"Cousin, I believe 'sometimes I could just kill her' is a figure of
speech," Balki explains. Larry heads for the phone again, insisting,
"Balki, I know what I'm doing." Larry picks up the phone and
Balki hangs it up, saying, "I don't think so." Balki then makes
the comment about the police being sent on a wild moose chase.
- After showing Balki
the picture of Mary Anne in the archive book, Larry explains, "Mabel Alice
Stallings is Mary Anne. I told Jennifer about Mary Anne. Jennifer
probably confronted her so Mary Anne killed Jennifer to keep her quiet."
"Cousin, the newspaper must have made a mistake," Balki says,
"Mary Anne is no killer. She's sweet and gentle. She won't even
beat eggs. She won't even whip cream. She won't even smack her lips.
She won't . . . " "Balki, Jennifer didn't believe me,
either," Larry says, "And do you know where she is?"
"On her way to Hong Kong," Balki answers. The phone rings.
Larry crosses to answer it. "No she isn't," Larry says, "If
you go on that camping trip, Mary Anne will kill you just like she killed
Jennifer." This is when Larry picks up the phone and talks to
- In the next scene at
the Chronicle, after Lydia insists Mary Anne is indeed a murderer she says,
"Don't you see? Getting Jennifer to fly to Hong Kong was all part of
Mary Anne's diabolical plan. She doesn't want any witnesses. Oooh,
she's good." "Then Balki's in terrible danger," Larry
realizes. "Oh yeah. He's a dead man," Lydia confirms.
- After Mr. Gorpley
says he told Balki to take the rest of the day off and get an early start he
comments, "I must be getting sick." After Larry runs out, Mr.
Gorpley asks Lydia, "What was that all about?" "Balki's
girlfriend is a man killer," Lydia explains. "Aren't they
all?" Mr. Gorpley remarks. This is where the commercial break was
originally supposed to be.
- When Mary Anne calls
down to Balki on the cliff to ask how he's doing, Balki says, "I'm stuck.
It's hard to hold on. My legs are cramping. And my fingers
hurt." After a beat he adds, "This is fun." Balki
doesn't drop his water bottle in this version.
- When Larry confronts
Mary Anne and asks where Balki is, Mary Anne points over the cliff and says,
"Down there." "Oh my God, I'm too late," Larry cries.
"Mary Anne, what's going on?" Balki calls up, "Are you
okay?" Larry looks over the edge and exclaims, "Balki, you're
alive! Hang on, buddy. I'll save you." "Cousin, if
that you?" Balki calls, "I didn't see you pass us on the way up."
- Balki doesn't sign
"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" on the cliff face and he also doesn't
make the "end of your rope" joke in this version. After he
almost falls making the "glad you could drop in" joke, Larry says,
"Balki, thank God, you're safe." "I'm fine," Balki
assures him, "But Cousin, I wish you had told me you were coming. We
only have enough turkey jerky for two." "We can discuss dinner
later," Larry says, "Right now I have to save you. Grab this
- After Larry pulls
one the rope and yanks the little tree from its roots, Balki looks down and
comments, "You're right, Cousin. The rope is still tied to that tree.
That little, itty, bitty tree."
Larry tells Balki he tied up Mary Anne and Balki asks why, Larry says,
"Because she's trying to kill you." "Cousin, from where I'm
hanging, you've come closer to killing me than Mary Anne," Balki notes.
"Well, from where I'm hanging . . . " Larry begins, then he looks down
and cries out, " . . . oh God, I'm hanging!" "Cousin, we'll
be fine if we can stay calm and keep our wits about us," Balki says.
"Balki, I have an incredible fear of heights," Larry explains,
"It manifests itself in two ways. I can't stay calm and I can't keep
my wits about me." Larry starts screaming and Balki slaps him.
bit in which Balki crawls to the other side of Larry and back was originally
must shorter. Balki reaches for a handhold on the other side, and once he
manages to get past Larry and grab it he says, "This won't do. I was
wrong," and he immediately goes back again.
Balki calls up to ask Mary Anne how she got loose, Mary Anne replies, "My
grandmother dated Houdini."
After Larry asks about the apologies, "Should I do it one at a time, or
altogether?" Balki says, "We did the group plan last time."
The rest of the episode is the same.
script dated September 25, 1990 still contains some differences from the episode
"What's a six letter word for 'do over'," opening is still in this
script, as is the "Killers in our Midst" and "Gorillas in the
Larry is trying to tell Balki he needs to concentrate on his work, Balki asks,
"What's a five letter word for 'pal'?" "Buddy . . . "
Larry tries to begin. "Thanks," Balki says, "I need a six
letter word for 'blank don't eat the daisies.'" "Please . . .
" Larry tries again to interrupt. "Ooooh, you're good,
Cousin," Balki notes. "Balki, I need to finish this
research," Larry finally gets in, "I need to concentrate."
"Okay, Cousin," Balki says, "I'll get Miss Lydia to help me.
I need a four letter word for the substance found at the bottom of a bird cage.
It ends in 'I' 'T'. Oh, never mind, I've got it." The elevator
doors open and Balki steps in. "Grit," Balki answers as the
scene with Tess is now gone and replaced with the bit with Balki stepping up on
the coffee table with the television on his back.
- Balki again re-enters the apartment, only this time he says, "Boy, after
a hard day of training, I've built up a deep down body thirst. What this
Mypiot needs is a deep down body thirst quencher." He opens the
refrigerator and takes out a bota bag, taking a long drink. "Aaah.
Yak-ade. It's what the pros use." As in the last script, Larry
tries to warn Balki about Mary Anne.
the end of the scene, after Larry tells Jennifer not to call her Mabel, Jennifer
says, "I don't believe this. I'm engage to a lunatic," before
Balki guesses that Larry drank milk out of the carton again, he adds, "Yes,
it's hideous, but at least you're out of the denial stage. You're learning
to deal with the totality of your problem from a positive space."
This time Mary Anne sees the hatchet. After she tells Larry that Jennifer
is gone, she looks at the hatchet again and smiles, "Ooh, this is nice and
Mary Anne talks about cleaning out her closet and how she's glad Jennifer's
gone, that "Sometimes I could just kill her."
Larry tells Balki that Mary Anne is mass murderer, Balki asks, "Mary Anne?
My Mary Anne? The Mary Anne that just left?" "Oh
sure," Larry continues, "she had us all fooled, but beneath that sweet
exterior beats the heart of a cold blooded killer."
Balki first looks at the Archive book, he reads, "Routine Reagan checkup
reveals polyps." "Not there," Larry corrects, pointing out
he correct article, "There!"
Larry insists that Mabel Alice Stallings is Mary Anne, he says, "I told
Jennifer about Mary Anne. Jennifer probably confronted her so Mary Anne
killed Jennifer to keep her quiet. I never should have let he go upstairs.
It's my fault. It's my fault." "Cousin, pull yourself
together," Balki urges, "You're coming apart at the jeans. The
newspaper must have made a mistake. Mary Anne is no killer. She's
sweet and gentle. She won't even beat eggs." "Balki,
Jennifer didn't believe me, either. And do you know where she is?"
"On her way to Hong Kong," Balki answers, "No she isn't,"
Larry says, and then he tells Balki that if he goes on the trip with Mary Anne
she'll kill him just as she killed Jennifer.
scene with Lydia and Mr. Gorpley is now written as it appeared on the show,
except for the end when Mr. Gorpley asks, "What was that all about?"
"Balki's girlfriend is a man killer," Lydia answers. "Hey,
they all are," Mr. Gorpley retorts. Gorpley and Lydia then bite at
each other, which would indicate the eventual relationship between them was
already in the writers' minds at this point. Once again, the commercial
break was originally supposed to come after this scene.
In the description of the mountaintop, it says, "There is a small sign
reading, "Parking Lot - One Mile" with an arrow pointing
bit where Larry asks Mary Anne here Balki is and she indicates over the cliff is
still in this script, except when Balki calls up he says, "Guess what, Mary
Anne? From up here people look like ants. Wait a minute. Those
are ants. They're all over my shoes." Larry calls down to tell
Balki he save him. "Cousin, is that you?" Balki calls.
"Yes," Larry answers. "You should have come earlier,"
Balki says, "Mary Anne caught a trout with her curling iron."
When Balki asks Larry, "You tied her up?" he follows it with,
"Why would you do something so stupid?" After Balki insists Mary
Anne is not trying to kill him, Balki pushes on Larry's face. Balki then
grabs Larry and they both almost fall. Balki then says, "From where
I'm hanging, you've come closer to killing me than Mary Anne." Larry
then realizes he's hanging and this time Balki urges him to make eye contact,
which wasn't in the first draft version. The bit where Balki urges them to
stay calm and keep their wits about them and Larry explains he's afraid of
heights and it manifests itself in two ways, that he can't stay calm and can't
keep his wits about him, is still in this version. Balki slaps him and
then they do the "Eye contact" bit.
points out, "Cousin, I think I see a handhold over there."
"Where?" Larry asks. "Over there," Balki says,
pointing to the other side of Larry. "Where?" "Over
there." "Where." "Over there." They
both nearly fall again.
Larry says that they'll hit the ground so hard "they'll take us home in a
pizza box," Balki replies, "Well, if they don't get us home in thirty
minutes or less, we'll be delivered free."
The rest of the script is the same as what aired.
on to the next episode . . .