Nielsen Rating: 17.4 HH
PERFECT STRANGERS EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE 08 - Hunks Like Us (aka At the Gym)
First Air Date:
September 24, 1986
Nielsen Rating: 17.4 HH
TV Guide Description: Larry and Balki join a health club and overdo the exercise trying to impress Jennifer and Mary Anne, which leaves the guys too pooped to go out with them.
Co-Producer:
James O’Keefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Alan Mandel
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Ernie Sabella: Mr. Twinkacetti
Guest Cast:
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Ann
Richard Brose: Hunk
Lisa Coppenolle: Woman
Vanessa Paul: Instructor
Dimitri Appearances: None
Balki-isms:
"I joined a healthy club."
"I'm trying to unjoin Reuben's Perfect Body."
"I am Conehead the Barbarian!"
"I just hate sitting around like a bump on a frog."
"We are not the jerks you thought we were."
Don’t be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
Other catchphrases
used in this episode:
"Watch . . . and learn!"
"I don't think so."
Balki's "Huh?"
"Ha!"
"What are we talking about?"
"Cousin Larry, you are a genius!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry’s tendency to laugh two or three times in a huffy manner before stating
something (this was known as Larry's shmuck laugh)
Jennifer finds Balki and Larry in a strangely compromising and embarrassing position
Balki quoting a saying in Myposian before translating it into English
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Larry refers to sex and he and Balki nudge each other knowingly before
Balki reveals he doesn’t know what they’re talking about
Larry has a plan
Balki and Larry performing a short dance other than the Dance of Joy (in this case they do a
very short little dance bit when they anticipate dancing with Jennifer and Mary
Anne but in future episodes some of their dance routines would become quite
elaborate)
Balki and Larry sit down simultaneously
Songs: None
Notable Moments:
This is the first time the cousins meet Jennifer Lyons and Mary Anne Spencer
(Mary Anne's last name isn't given until season six).
Interesting facts:
- The title of this episode was likely inspired by the
1985 film Spies Like Us.
- This episode marks the first appearance of
Jennifer and Mary Anne who would be Balki and Larry’s steady girlfriends
throughout the series, eventually becoming their wives! It’s notable
that Larry states within moments of meeting her that he is in love with Jennifer
and thinks they are 
going
to spend the rest of their lives together.
- When Larry enters the health club a woman crosses
in front of the camera wearing a shirt with the logo "Perfect Body"
written on it in the same font as the original Perfect Strangers logo.
- Jennifer was introduced in this episode as
Jennifer Lyons. It wasn't until the sixth season episode, Black Widow,
that we would learn Mary Anne's last name is Spencer.
- Look closely and you'll see Mary Anne at the far
left of the screen in the very first shot of the gym. She then walks to
the right as Larry enters.
- In the end credits Mary Anne's name is spelled "Mary Ann." But
it was always spelled "Mary Anne" in the scripts and elsewhere.
- It was during
rehearsals for this episode, the first in which Bronson and Mark worked with
Melanie Wilson and Rebeca Arthur, that a particularly odd and embarrassing thing
happened. The four were squeezed together on the couch working out ideas
for the scene in which they offer the girls wine while they are too stiff and
sore to move. As they worked through some ideas Bronson was laughing
because it was all so silly. At one point Mark was pouring the
"wine" (using water) and some of it accidentally spilled onto
Bronson's arm. Now, have you ever heard of the camp / fraternity practical
joke in which you're supposed to put someone's hand in a glass of warm water to
make them pee their bed? Well this same chemical reaction, between the
laughing and the water, happened here and Bronson did actually wet
himself. He continued to laugh and someone finally said, "Bronson,
it's not that funny." Bronson then said, "I seem to have
wet myself." Everyone reacted with "Oh right, ha ha, very
funny," until the girl next to him (probably Rebeca) cried out "Oh, he
has!" Bronson would eventually share this story during a
1989 appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show, which you can now view on our YouTube
Channel.
Bloopers and
Inconsistencies:
- When Balki and Larry offers the girls some wine Jennifer says they don’t
drink, but in the episode Pipe Dreams the girls bring them a bottle of
wine which they all sit down to drink.
-
Cousin TorinoKitty spotted this one for us . . . the angle in this shot
while Balki and Larry are at the gym clearly shows the edge of the set's wall
and another set behind it (click on the thumbnail to see the screen
grab. We've lightened the picture to show that it's actually the exterior
of the apartment set, with the fire escape railings, window sill and curtains clearly
showing!)
Synopsis:
The episode begins with Larry standing on a small stepladder at the front of the Ritz Discount Store cleaning the windows
with a 
squeegee. Mr. Twinkacetti enters and stop to watch Larry
work. "Oh, nice job!" Mr. Twinkacetti offers. "Thank
you," Larry smiles. "You finally found a task worthy of your
talents," Mr. Twinkacetti smirks before walking away. Balki runs into
the store with his jacket over his shoulder. "Cousin Larry,
congratulate me!" "Congratulations," Larry says.
"Thank you!" Balki smiles and moves away. "Why?" Larry
asks. "Because today I joined a healthy club," Balki
explains. Larry gets off the ladder and approaches Balki, asking,
"Now why do you have to do something like that?" "Because
you see this?" Balki asks, lifting Larry's right arm and pinching the fat
underneath his forearm, "Body fat. You don't need it. But with
aerobic exerceese and weight resistance, you can whittle away that disgusting
body bag of fat you got and reap cardiovascular benefits . . . whatever those
are . . . and if you join today . . . " "Balki," Larry
interrupts the sales pitch, "Some of these clubs are just out to rip you
off."
Balki pouts, then asks, "What does
that mean?" "Turnip, turnip, turnip," Twinkacetti turns to
Balki, "They sell memberships to 
maroons like you and
then, uh . . . split town with all the dough." He contemplates this a moment
and sighs, "Wish I had thought of that." "Do you want to
join with me?" Balki asks Larry. "Not on your life," Larry
scoffs, pointing to his head, "This river runs too deep."
"You could meet woman in tight leotard," Balki points out.
"Balki, think about," Larry says, "Women who go to those clubs
aren't interested in guys like you and me. You're wasting your
money." "Well, if you say don't join I don't join," Balki
states. "Don't join," Larry says clearly. "Don't say
that," Balki sighs with disappointment, "Okay, I call and cancel my
membership. But how I'm going to get exerceese?" Balki reaches
for the telephone receiver when Twinkacetti stops him. "Hey, hey,
hey, hey! You want exerceese? I got fifty cases of motor oil in the
stock room. Why don't you work out on those?" Twinkacetti heads
to his office. "And you said he doesn’t care about
me!" Balki huffs at Larry before heading to the stock room.
Larry continues to clean the
windows. The front door opens behind him and a beautiful woman enters,
looking around. Larry 
walks behind the woman and asks, "May I help
you?" "Hi, I'm looking for Balki Bartokomous," the woman
says. Larry is immediately smitten. "Well, I’m Balki Bartokomous . . . ‘s . .
. cousin . . . . " Larry fumbles, "Larry . . . Appleton."
"Jennifer Lyons," Jennifer introduces herself, "I sold Balki a
membership to the Perfect Body health club. He was so excited he forgot to
sign the application." "You're with Perfect Body?" Larry
asks. "Part time," Jennifer explains, "Are you a
member?" "Me? Uh . . . uh . . . no," Larry admits,
"But I was, uh, thinking of, uh, joining a health club . . .
again." "Well, Reuben's Perfect Body is the place,"
Jennifer assures him. "I can see that," Larry comments, "I
mean I would, uh, hope so." Balki enters from the stock room carrying
two boxes of motor oil. "Jennifer!" he says, setting down the
box, "That was quick. I didn't even call you yet."
"What do you mean?" Jennifer asks.
"Well, what he means is, uh . . . he
was gonna call you, uh . . . to tell you that, uh . . . I wanted to join the
club with him," Larry says. 
"No, Cousin," Balki tries to
contradict. "Yes, Balki . . . " "You said . . .
" "I think you better let me explain this . . . "
"This river . . . this river runs so deep." "Balki . . .
excuse me . . . uh, could I talk to you for a moment?" Larry pulls
Balki away by the shirt and turns to Jennifer, saying, "We'll be right
back." Jennifer steps aside and Larry turns on Balki.
"What are you trying to do?" "I'm trying to unjoin Reuben's
Perfect Body," Balki answers. "You can't. I am in love
with her," Larry says seriously. Balki looks confused, then asks,
"Did I miss something?" "I think we are going to spend the
rest of our lives together," Larry says. Balki hooks his arms around
Larry's shoulders. "Not you and me!" Larry clarifies, motioning
with his head toward Jennifer. "Well, did you ask her out?"
Balki asks. Larry rolls his eyes and laughs, then shakes his head.
"You can take the boy out of Mypos,"
he sighs, "Women like this are only interested in jocks. I can't just
ask her out, I have to . . . deceive her first." "Uh, excuse me,
guys, but I have to get back to work," Jennifer explains, "Could you
sign this?" Balki signs the application she has laid on the counter
for him. "Why don't you come with Balki tomorrow and see if you like
the club," Jennifer suggests to Larry. "Well, I guess I
could," Larry smiles, "I'll have to skip my fifteen mile
run." "Good," Jennifer says, "Well, I'll see you both
tomorrow morning." "Okay," Larry smiles. Balki hands
Jennifer the signed application and she says, "Bye." "Bye,
bye," Larry calls after her. "Bye, Jennifer," Balki
offers. Larry stands quietly thinking until Balki says, "You run
fifteen miles every day? What do you do, get up
real early before I’m awake?" "Yes," Larry answers
flatly.
The next morning at Reuben’s Perfect
Body, Larry and Balki arrive to work out. There are numerous people
working out on 
stationary bikes, floor mats and weight equipment. Larry
comes in first, dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. Balki comes in dressed in an old-fashioned
gym-style outfit with long shorts and hard black
shoes with black socks. "So many women," Balki notes, "So
little body fat." "All right, look . . . here are the ground
rules," Larry begins, "Jennifer is mine." "I saw her
first!" Balki points out. "But I lusted after her
first," Larry says, "This is America. Learn the
customs." "I never heared of that custom," Balki says
suspiciously. "It's new," Larry insists, "All right, now
I'm gonna hit the weights. Watch . . . and learn." They walk
over to a weightlifting machine where a large, muscular man has just finished
working out. "Well, there's a lot of weight on there," the man
warns Larry, "You probably want to lower it." "Naw,"
Larry says, "No pain, no gain." Larry lays on his back on the
bench and the man lowers the handlebar for Larry to grab onto, saying,
"Okay, let me give you a hand." The man lets go and walks away
as Larry is lifted up into the air by the heavy weights.
"That other man must have been doing
it wrong," Balki comments. Larry eyes him in frustration.
"That's right," Larry finally says, 
"Now help me
down." Balki walks to Larry and pushes on his chest until he is lying
on the bench again. He lets go and Larry is lifted in the air again.
Balki pushes Larry down again and then lets go, letting Larry rise. Balki
continues to do this, smiling and saying, "This is fun!"
"Just get me down!" Larry yells. Balki lays across Larry's chest
and pushes him down to the bench, then climbs on top of him to hold him down
just as Jennifer walks up to them. "Hi, guys," she says.
They look up and say, "Hi!" Balki gets off Larry and Larry once
again rises into the air. Jennifer eyes this curiously but says
nothing. "I'm about to start an advanced aerobics class . . . "
she says, walking away. Larry motions for Balki to help him get down,
which Balki finally does. " . . . uh, but there's a beginning one
going on in five minutes," Jennifer finishes. "Well, uh,
Jennifer, I think we can handle the advanced class," Larry says. He
and Balki take their positions with the other people who have gathered for the
class.
"Okay, let's all start off by doing a
little jogging in place," the instructor calls, "And jog, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight . . . " She leads the class as everyone
jogs in place. Balki jogs somewhat awkwardly, lifting his knees up
high. He and Larry dosey-do around each other and then Larry jogs between
the muscular guy and Jennifer. "This is an advanced class?"
Larry asks Jennifer, "Ha, it's a joke. So, uh . . . Jennifer you're
not going with anyone, are you?" "And arms!" the instructor
calls out. Everyone throws their arms out and the muscular guy and
Jennifer both hit Larry, knocking him back. A blonde woman jogs next to
Balki. "Hi, I'm Mary Anne," she says, "I'm a
Sagittarius." "I'm Balki," Balki responds, "I'm a
Bartokomous. Do you want to go out with me?" "I'd love
to," Mary Anne smiles. Balki stops jogging for a moment and exclaims,
"I think I just reaped a cardiovascular benefit!"
Hours later, Larry and Balki are still
working out, as are Jennifer and Mary Anne, except Balki and Larry are both
struggling and 
covered in perspiration. Balki is trying to do a sit-up on
an elevated bench while Larry is strapped into a nautilus machine and doing arm
presses, watching to see Jennifer's reaction. Jennifer is doing curls with
a small barbell and looks from Balki to Larry with suspicion. "You
guys look tired," Jennifer says. "Tired?" Larry laughs in a
macho voice, "Jennifer, tired is a state of mind." Jennifer
walks away and Larry immediately stops, looking exhausted. "And my
mind is oatmeal," Larry gasps. "Cousin, we have been here four
hours," Balki points out, "Are you going to ask her out or
what?" "I'm going to. I'm going to," Larry insists,
"I'm not here for my health, you know. I just haven't found the right
moment yet." "Well, we had a lot of spare moments during that
four hundred sit-ups we had to do," Balki says, "I feel like I gave
birth to an ox." "Well, well I . . . I can't ask her now,"
Larry sighs, "I'm all sweaty." Balki walks away.
Larry continues to do arm presses on the
nautilus, counting, "One . . .
two . . . " A woman walks by and Larry lowers his voice and 
changes
the count to "sixty-eight . . . sixty-nine . . . " Balki returns
and says, "Before I tell you what I just did, I want you to know in Mypos
we have a saying. 'Bo
bo bo sticki bada bedi ta taku.' It says, 'He who hesitates sleeps with
the goats.'" "I thought you all slept with the goats,"
Larry says. "We do," Balki agrees, not catching the insult,
"And this goat sleeper just asked Jennifer if she'd go out with
you." "You . . . you what?" Larry cries, lunging at Balki,
except he's strapped to the nautilus machine and can't reach him. Larry
starts fumbling with the belt, trying to get loose. "I am going to
deport you in pieces!" Larry promises. He tries again to lunge for
Balki, who is leaning in to watch him fumble with the belt, but Balki pulls back
out of Larry's reach.
Larry
again tries to get the belt undone, finally smiling nicely and asking,
"Help me unbuckle this." "I don't think so," Balki
answers. Larry gets the belt undone with an "H'ya!" Balki
is startled and Larry starts chasing him around the equipment. Balki runs
to the nautilus and hides behind one of the arm pads. Larry sneaks up
through the machine and taps Balki on the shoulder. "What?"
Balki asks as Larry grabs him roughly by the shirt. "How dare you
interfere with the sanctity of a man's right to date," Larry growls,
"You scheming . . . girl-poaching . . . " "She said
yes," Balki quickly says. "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you so
much," Larry collapses against Balki's chest in exhausted gratitude.
Act two begins with Larry
and Balki returning home from the gym. "My!" Larry exclaims in a
masculine voice, "Never knew a 
workout could make you feel so . . .
good!" He throws down his gym bag. "I feel . . .
massive!" "I feel pumped-up," Balki says, throwing down his
bag as well, "I am Conehead the Barbarian!" "Well, nothing
like a tough workout to make you feel alive!" Larry says as he closes the
front door. "Ah ha ha ha!" Balki laughs. They walk in a
macho fashion to the couch. "So, you thought the workout was tough,
huh?" Balki asks. "Did I say tough?" Larry asks, taking off
his jacket, "I meant . . . challenging. In fact, I found myself
wanting it to be more challenging. Didn't you?" "Oh
yes!" Balki agrees, sitting down. "You're not tired, are ya?"
Larry asks. "Oh no!" Balki says, standing up again, "I'm
chock full of energy." Balki lifts the edge of the coffee table,
saying, "Ha!" Balki walks around the table to join Larry in
front of the couch.
"Now Balki,"
Larry begins, "In six hours, two women . . . let me amend that . . . two
gorgeous women . . . are coming to this apartment. You know what that
means, dontcha?" Balki eyes his knowingly and nods. They share
a laugh, punching playfully at one another. "What are we talking
about?" Balki finally asks. Larry puts his hand to his forehead in
frustration. "Okay, Balki, for your benefit I think we should
identify our objective." "Is this where you talk down to
me?" Balki asks. "Yes," Larry admits, "Now, here's the
plan." Larry puts a foot up on the coffee table and Balki does the
same. "What we are trying to achieve is physical contact. Now,
how do we achieve physical contact?" "Begging?" Balki
suggests. Larry considers this a
moment, then shakes his head and continues. "Dancing."
"Cousin Larry, you are a
genius!" Balki exclaims, "We'll dance, we'll eat, we'll drink, we'll
visit." Balki and Larry do a little dance together. "But
first we'll rest," Larry says. "Rest? Why? I'm not
tired!" Balki brags, then lifts he edge of the coffee table again with a
"Ha!" "Neither am I," Larry states, "But since we
probably won't be getting any sleep tonight . . . " Larry eyes Balki
knowingly but Balki just looks perplexed. " . . . we better stockpile
some right now." They both sit on the couch. "Well, if we
have to," Balki sighs. "Hey, this is no fun for me,
either," Larry says as they put their feet on the coffee table.
"I just hate sitting around like a bump on a frog," Balki says.
"Well, we'll give it five minutes," Larry suggests, "If we can't
sleep, we'll go for a run." They wait a moment then both of them fall
immediately asleep.
Later that evening the apartment is dark
and Larry and Balki and still sleeping on the couch. Larry opens his eyes
and immediately cries, "Ow!" He raises his head a little and
yells, "Ow!" again, then, "Oh my gosh . . . what time is
it?" He starts to lift his arm but can only move it in small
increments, crying, "Ow!" each time, and then a long "Owww!"
as he turns his wrist to look at his watch. "Oh! Oh!
Oh! It's almost eight o'clock!" Larry realizes, "Balki . . . oh
. . . Balki, we overslept . . . and died." After much struggling,
Larry manages to lean over toward Balki. "Balki!" he
calls. Balki opens his eyes and looks shocked, moving his head slowly
toward Larry. Finally he lets out a loud, long scream of pain.
"A little sore?" Larry asks. "I'd say we overdid the
workout a little," Balki admits, "or you threw me out the
window." "Balki, it's almost eight o'clock," Larry says,
trying to sit up, "The girls are gonna be here any minute."
They both struggle to sit up and lower
their feet from the coffee table, moaning in pain the entire time. Larry
slowly works to get 
on his feet. Balki reaches up and places a hand on
Larry's shoulder as he also tries to stand up. As Balki stands, he pushes
Larry back down. Larry grabs Balki in turn and pulls himself back up
again. They stare at each other in pain and Larry says, "Ow."
"I have to call and cancel the date," Balki says. "Are you
crazy?" Larry gasps. "No, are you?" Balki asks. Balki
turns and slowly starts to walk away. "Where are you going?"
Larry asks. "I'm going to call and cancel the date," Balki
replies. "Oh no you're not!" Larry protests. "Oh yes
I am!" Balki insists. "Oh no you're not!" Larry
starts chasing Balki, but since neither of them can hardly move it's more like a
slow motion shuffle. Balki gets around the end table first and reaches
back to knock a stack of thin books onto the floor. Larry has to make his
way around them, which gives Balki time to reach the phone.
Balki slowly grabs the receiver off the
phone as Larry reaches the phone stand and says "No, you don't."
Larry places his hand 
on the cradle to hang up and Balki swings his arm to hit
Larry's arm, Larry crying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" with each
hit. Larry manages to grab Balki by the collar when there is a knock at
the door. "It's too late, they're here," Larry says.
"I tell them we too sore," Balki says, "I tell them to come back
in a month." Balki turns toward the door but Larry holds tight to his
collar, pulling him back. "If they find out we're this sore after one
workout, they'll drop us like that." Larry struggles to snap his
fingers, then cries, "Ow!" when he finally does. "I'm
supposed to act like I am not in the worst pain of my whole young life?"
Balki asks. "Yes, please," Larry begs, "I waaaant
Jennifer." "Okay," Balki sighs, "If you really waaaant
Jennifer." The knocking at the door continues. Balki struggles
to hang up the phone receiver and Larry helps him, each taking an end and
lifting it onto the cradle. "Help me open the door," Balki
says. They walk to the door and Larry instructs, "All right, you get
the top. You get the top. You get the top." Balki
struggles to lift his hand to reach the top of the doorknob as Larry takes the
bottom. "Turn, turn," Larry says, then, "Open, open!"
They manage to pull the door open.
"Hi! Hi!" Larry greets Jennifer and Mary Anne as Balki is pushed
back by the door. "Hello, hello," Larry smiles.
"Hi," Jennifer says. "Come on in," Larry
encourages. "Why is it so dark in here?" Mary Anne asks.
"Oh hey, 
Balki, don't be shy, turn on the lights," Larry
encourages. Balki moves with the door as it closes, then leans over to
turn on the lights with his mouth. "Okay, Balki, come on," Larry
says, and they make their slow and painful way to the couch, trying to look as
casual as possible when they can barely move. Jennifer and Mary Anne look
at them strangely. "You guys are walking funny," Jennifer notes,
"Are you sore from your workout?" "Yes," Balki admits
immediately but Larry drowns out his answer by saying, "Oh, of course
not!" "Not at all!" Balki confirms. "So, uh, why
don't we just sit down and talk and get to know one another?" Larry
asks. He and Balki sit down on the couch simultaneously, both crying out
in pain as they do so. Jennifer and Mary Anne look shocked.
"Karate," Larry explains, "Karate yells. We're into, uh,
many, many sports."
"We have wine and cheese," Balki
tells the girls. "Oh well, well," Larry says, "Why don't we
see if the ladies want to wait before plunging into the old feedbag."
"I'm starving," Mary Anne states. "Well, uh, Balki uh . . .
why don't you go get it?" Larry suggests, "You brought it
up." "Why don't you help me go get it?" Balki suggests in
return. They give each other a look. "Excuse us," Larry
smiles. Balki and Larry both struggle to stand up very slowly, rising at
the same pace. "You guys do everything together, don't you?"
Mary Anne asks. Once standing, Balki and Larry slowly make their way to
the kitchen. "Need any help?" Jennifer asks.
"Yes," Balki admits. "No! No! No!" Larry
drowns out Balki's answer. "No, of course not!" Balki agrees, as
they quicken their pace. "You just, uh . . . make yourselves
comfortable," Larry suggests. Jennifer and Mary Anne begin looking at
magazines on the coffee table as the guys reach the kitchen.
"All right, all right," Larry
says, "Look . . . you get the cheese, I'll get the wine." Larry
grabs a wine bottle and corkscrew as Balki 
struggles painfully to open the
refrigerator. Larry turns the corkscrew into the bottle, crying, "Ow!"
with each turn until the girls look at him, then he smiles to cover the
pain. Balki carries a medium-sized round cheese to the counter and tries
to lift it up, but can't. He finally takes a chance and tosses the cheese,
which flies over the counter and lands in a wicker garbage basket on the other
side. The girls turn at the noise and Balki smiles at them, explaining,
"Out of cheese." "Help me open the wine," Larry
asks. Balki takes hold of the bottle as Larry holds on to the corkscrew
and they pull in opposite directions. When the cork finally comes out of
the bottle, Larry falls backwards onto the floor with a loud thump. Again
the girls turn to look at them. "Where's Larry?" Jennifer
asks. "Oh, he's . . . on the floor," Balki explains, "Doing
sit-ups." "Thirty-seven . . . thirty-eight . . . thirty-nine . .
. be right with you!" Larry calls from the floor, as Jennifer and Mary Anne
exchange a confused look.
Balki carries the wine over to the girls
as Larrys gets up off the floor. Balki hands the bottle to Jennifer and
realizes, "We have wine and . . . no glasses. Couldn't you just pass
the bottle around?" Larry approaches them, carrying wine
glasses. "No, here we go," he says, "Here's some
glasses. Here we go." Jennifer moves over so the guys can sit
down, which they do at the same time with another loud yell.
"Wine?" Larry asks, holding up a glass. "We don't
drink," Jennifer says apologetically. "Hey, why don't we
dance?" Mary Anne suggests. Balki starts shaking his head no very
slowly. "We can dance," Larry says. "No, we
can't," Balki cries. "Yes, we can." "No, we
can't!" "We can dance!" Larry insists, standing up.
"No, we can't dance," Balki argues, standing up with him.
"We can dance and we will dance!" Larry says. "No, we
can't. No dance." The girls also stand. "You're not
going to fight over this, are you?" Jennifer asks worriedly.
"Fight? We can hardly
move!" Balki admits, "I have a confession to make. We are not
the jerks you thought we were." "Jocks," 
Larry
corrects. "Well, we figured the way you guys overdid it this morning
you'd be pretty sore," Jennifer says, "We're surprised you didn't call
and cancel the date!" "Well, we . . . we were worried that . . .
that if you thought . . . " Larry stammers. "You didn't think
just because we work out we're only interested in hunks?" Mary Anne
asks. Larry laughs his shmuck laugh then admits, "Well, yes. We
did." Off Balki's look, he changes it to, "Uh well, uh . . . I
did . . . and I tried to deceive you . . . and I'm slime. And I guess
you'll probably want to leave now." "I'm sorry . . . we can't
walk you to the door," Balki adds. "Well, maybe we'll
stay," Mary Anne says, "As long as you've learned your
lesson." "Oh yes, I have," Larry insists, "I
have! I have!" "Tell you what," Jennifer says,
"why don't you guys sit down? We'll go get the cheese out of the
trash." Jennifer and Mary Anne head to the trash basket as Larry and
Balki sit down together, crying out in pain.
Later that night we hear Larry saying
goodnight to the girls over the establishing shot of the apartment. Larry
and Balki have just 
closed the door. "Now you see? Those were
two nice ladies," Balki points out, "They were not just interested in
our semi-hard bodies. They really liked our insides, too."
"Yeah," Larry agrees. "Now why did you think they would not
like you for who you are?" Balki asks. "Oh, I don't know,"
Larry sighs, "I guess it's because in high school the cheerleaders always
dated the jocks instead of guys like me. I mean, the girls in the Latin
club were fine . . . but just once I wanted a cheerleader. I mean, I
really wanted a cheerleader. I mean I really wanted a cheerleader .
. . " "Cousin, calm down, you're going to hurt yourself,"
Balki warns. "Well, what d'ya wanna do now?" Larry asks.
"Well, we could watch TV," Balki suggests. "Who's gonna
turn it on?" Larry asks. "We could listen to a record,"
Balki suggests. "The stereo is waaay over there," Larry points
out. "We could go to sleep," Balki tries.
"Goodnight," Larry offers. They both close their eyes and fall
against the door, sinking down to the ground in exhaustion, finally saying a
tired, "Ow" as they reach the floor.
Script Variations:
There are
several differences between the Second Draft script dated July 18, 1986 and what ended
up on screen:
- The episode
begins with Larry wiping the window with a squeegee, not noticing that
Twinkacetti has entered behind him, inspecting his work. Larry shakes the
water from the squeegee onto Twinkie's shoes, then wipes the window and shakes
the squeegee off on Twinkie's shoes again. This time he realizes what he's
done. "I'm sorry, Mr. Twinkacetti," Larry offers
nervously. Larry gets off the ladder and looks for something with which to
dry the shoes. Twinkie holds up a hand to stop him, takes the squeegee
from Larry dips it in the water and shakes the water off onto Larry's
chest. "That's fair," Twinkacetti says.
-
After Balki announces he's joined a healthy club, Larry says worriedly,
"Oh, Balki. These clubs are just out to rip you off."
"What does that mean?" Balki asks. "It's a scam,"
Larry explains. Balki says, "Oh," as if he gets it, then asks,
"What does that mean?" This is when Twinkacetti explains his
version of how they cheat people.
-
When Jennifer enters the store, Larry has wrung out his wet shirt to form a
horn, which she looks at strangely.
- In
the second scene, after Larry explains that he lusted after Jennifer first he
adds, "Look, you'll do fine. And remember, these women are all vain,
so be sure to butter them up." The guys walk around the room and
Balki goes up to a well endowed woman on a Nautilus machine.
"Hello. Can I cover you with butter?" Balki asks. Larry
quickly pulls Balki away as the woman stares. "Don't you ever, ever
say that to a live woman again," Larry warns, "I'm going to hit the
weights. Watch and learn." When the man offers to lower the
weights for Larry, Balki says, "I'll just sit over here and watch and
learn." Balki sits and slides off a machine. "There's no
seat here," he notes. The man offers to help Larry and lowers the
weights to him, causing Larry to rise in the air. When Jennifer walks
over, she laughs and says, "Hi, Larry. Aren't you over-doing
it?" Larry is bobbing up and down and says, "No, no. It's
actually more beneficial when you don't use the seat for a crutch. Hulk
Hogan taught me this." Jennifer helps Larry back down and Balki walks
over. "That doesn't look so tough," Balki notes. Jennifer
tells them an advanced aerobics class is about to begin but that a beginning one
will start in five minutes. "Jennifer, we can handle the advanced
class," Larry assures her, "You're talking to a couple of guys who do
triathalons." "Really?" Jennifer asks. "You
heard that right," Balki confirms. "What's your best
event?" Jennifer asks Balki. "Baking," Balki answers.
Jennifer laughs and Larry laughs as well to help the "joke."
"He is so funny," Jennifer laughs. "A riot," Larry
replies. When Jennifer walks away, Larry grabs Balki by the neck.
-
After Mary Anne introduces herself and Balki asks her out, she falls to the mat
as part of the routine. "Was that a no?" Balki asks, then he
drops down beside her. "Of course not," Mary Anne says,
"I'd love to go out." Mary Anne turns away as part of the
routine and Balki says to himself, "That was easy. I'm getting a
lifetime membership here." The scene then continues with Larry and
Jennifer again. They begin an up and down pogo stick exercise and Larry is
out of sync with Jennifer as he tries to talk to her. "So, Jennifer .
. . How about that garbage strike?" Balki calls over to Larry,
"Cousin Larry." Larry "aerobs" over to Balki.
"Balki, I was about to make my move," Larry says. "I moved
already," Balki says, "I got a date with Mary Anne Sagittarius.
What's taking you so long, fellow stud?" "Hey, anyone can get a
date with a Sagittarius," Larry scoffs, "They're easy. I'm going
for a classy lady. I've got to use wit, charm . . . oxygen."
Larry leans on Balki trying to catch his breath. Jennifer looks over at
him and he resumes his routine.
-
After Balki quotes his Myposian saying, Larry says, "Excuse me, but my
Mypos dictionary is in the locker."
-
After Larry tells Balki that their plan is to obtain physical contact, Balki
says, "I like that plan."
-
The part where Balki knocks the books off the end table to slow Larry down is
not in the script.
- After
Jennifer comments that the guys are walking funny Larry says "We like to
take small steps, because . . . that way we get in more walking, more
exercise." Balki adds, "We can't get enough of it."
-
When the guys try to open the wine they get tired and Balki suggests,
"Maybe we should tell them to come back in a couple of hours."
- When
Balki tells the girls the truth, he says, "The truth is we're sore from our
workout. We are not the socks you think we are."
-
After Jennifer says they'll get the cheese out of the trash she adds, "We
can just talk." "We do that real good," Balki assures
her. Balki and Larry sit down on the couch and scream again.
"Karate?" Mary Anne asks. "Pain," Balki and Larry
answer honestly.
- There
was a bit of additional dialogue in the final scene after Larry says how much he
really wanted a cheerleader. After Balki warns him to calm down Larry says
"I guess I don't take rejection well." Balki nods and says,
"You hit that nail on its face." Larry continues, "You
know, Balki . . . I think maybe I formed too many opinions too early in
life." Balki answers, "Oh, Cousin you're only human. You
see a beautiful girl in an air-tight leotard, moving to the music, arms and legs
glistening . . . " He stops. "Go on," Larry
says. "I can't. My body just locked up like the Tin Woodsman
before Dorothy gave him a lube job."
Many of these
variations are still present in the Final Draft script dated July 21, 1986:
- The opening
scene with Larry shaking the water on Twinkie's shoes and Twinkie, in turn,
shaking the water on Larry's chest is still in the script. As a result,
the part where Larry wrings his shirt into a horn when Jennifer walks in is also
still in the script.
- Balki still asks the well-endowed woman if he can cover her with butter.
- Balki's
line after asking Mary Anne out about "getting a lifetime membership"
is still in this script.
-
After Balki quotes the saying in Myposian he says "Think about
it." Larry answers with "Can I take the rest of my life?"
- The
dialogue in which Balki describes a beautiful woman and then refers to the Tin
Man is still in this version.
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