Season Five Balki-isms

Balki-ism: "I love the Big Brothers!  First time I ever saw them on Saturday Night Live I said to myself ‘Those guys are good!’"
Original: The Blues Brothers were played by John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd on classic episodes of SNL (and in a feature film as well).  As Larry would explain, the Big Brothers is an organization which provides big brothers to young boys without father.

Balki-ism: "I love marathons!  Will you get to meet Jerry Lewis?"
Original: Balki confused a marathon with a telethon; a marathon usually referring to a lengthy physical event and a telethon referring to a lengthy event, sometimes televised, to raise money for a specific charity, as in the annual Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy.

Balki-ism: "I hate to dig up a can of worms."
Original: One usually either "digs up dirt" or "opens a can of worms."  Leave it to Balki to combine the two!

Balki-ism: "And until you tell the truth, Eva, Magda and Zsa Zsa will continue to be a thorn in your sideburns."
Original: When something gives you trouble, it's said to be a "thorn in your side."

Balki-ism: "Boy, when you come clean you leave a ring around the tub!"
Original: To "come clean" means to confess to something.  Balki makes it literal in referring to a ring around the bathtub, something that occurs when one is particularly dirty.

Balki-ism: "We have a lot of rehab ahead of us before you even think about mixing any doubles with Jennifer."
Original: In this instance, Balki took the term "mixed doubles" and put his own spin on it, making it sounds like Larry plans to mix drinks with Jennifer (a double being a double dose of liquor).

Balki-ism: "You just sit there and leave the striving to us!"
Original: Balki made a pun using Greyhound Bus' famous slogan "Leave the driving to us" and combining it with Larry's mention of "something to strive for."  Okay, so it was an intentional pun and not really a Balki-ism, but we thought it deserved to be included here anyway.

Balki-ism: "I’m not even renting it!"
Original: This is Balki's response to Larry's question, "You're not buying this any more, are you?"  Balki takes "buying" in the sense that you actually purchase something and not in the context Larry meant it, which was "believing in" something.

Balki-ism: "He could make the sheep dip!"
Original: Balki's comment about Oompo Mousikako being able to make the sheep dance, and then trying to make it have more impact by saying "He could make the sheep dip!" (he meant dipping as in lowering a partner in a dance) ended up sounding funny because "sheep dip" typically refers to the flea bath that the sheep are dipped into as part of their care.

Balki-ism: "I beg to take issue . . . "
Original: One usually says "I beg to differ" or "I take issue" with something, but to combine the two is rather unusual.  But then, that's what makes it a Balki-ism!

Balki-ism: "Cousin Larry, hold on to your hat because what I’m gonna tell you is gonna knock your socks off!"
Original: When someone has exciting news they may say "hold on to your hat" or "this is gonna knock your socks off."  Leave it to  Balki to combine the two in a way which makes it seem somewhat incongruous.

Balki-ism: "I don’t even know what my next question is going to be and you already know the answer!  Do you have ESPN?  HBO?  PMS?"
Original: Balki was trying to ask Larry is he has ESP, extra-sensory perception.  Instead he got confused with ESPN, the cable sports channel.  He then segued into another cable channel, HBO, and then PMS which is . . . something else altogether.

Balki-ism: "Well, throw acid rain on my parade!"
Original: To "rain on my parade" means to spoil one's plans or hopes.  Acid rain is a by-product of nuclear fallout.

Balki-ism: "Well, Cousin, I’ve got some leads but every time I try to dig deeper I wind up shoveling alone."
Original: Not exactly a Balki-ism but a very clever turn of phrase, nonetheless!

Balki-ism: "Well, I put on a clean pair this morning."
Original: Balki says this after Larry suggests he may need to "change his tactics," meaning Balki should approach what he's doing a different way.  Balki took tactics to mean . . . something else.

Balki-ism: "I don’t care much for Mexican food. It always gives me Monty Hall’s revenge."
Original: The term "Montezuma's revenge" refers to the gaseous response some people have after eating Mexican food, particularly while traveling in Mexico.  Monty Hall was a game show host, best known for being on the very popular show Let's Make a Deal.

Balki-ism: "Well, you’re lookin’ right through him."
Original: Balki meant to say "You're looking right at him."

Balki-ism: "Sam Gorpley, looking very handsome in a pickled herring bone suit . . . "
Original: Balki meant to say Gorpley was wearing a herring-bone suit, which is a suit with a particular weave to the fabric.  Pickled herring is a way of preparing the popular small fish for eating.  Leave it to Balki to combine the two! 

Balki-ism: "You mean if I write everyone I offended a verbal apology I’d be okay?"
Original: A verbal apology, by its definition, is given vocally and not written down, so it's not technically possible to write someone a verbal apology.

Balki-ism: " . . . I’ll have my jaw hot-wired . . . "
Original: Balki simply meant to say he would have his jaw wired shut.  This is done either to help one's jaw heal after it has been broken, or in an extreme circumstance to prevent one from eating too much.  Hot-wiring is a term that refers to starting a car by breaking into the ignition and connecting the wires by hand, a technique used by auto thieves.

Balki-ism: "And we all remember what happened at the alimony!"
Original: Balki confused alimony, the court-ordered payments from one spouse to another after a divorce, with The Alamo, a mission located in Texas that was the scene of a bloody 13 day siege during the Texas Revolution.  While the mission was eventually captured by the Mexicans and nearly everyone killed, the siege delayed the Mexican army and allowed Sam Houston to gather enough troops and supplies to eventually win the war.  The phrase, "Remember the Alamo!" is now a part of American folklore.  

Balki-ism: "I happen to be trained in the marital arts."
Original: Balki meant to say the "martial" arts, of course.

Balki-ism: "Oh, Cousin, you’re not dumb!"
Original: Balki says this after Larry tells the dentist he doesn't like being numb (referring to the novocaine the dentist wants to give him).

Balki-ism: "Well, we did fill up the tank this morning, but I suppose we could top it off."
Original: The dentist tells Larry he'll have to give him gas, meaning nitrous oxide (also known as laughing gas) but Balki misunderstands and thinks the dentist is going to give Larry gasoline instead.

Balki-ism: "I’m about to perform an Orel Hershiser."
Original: Balki uses the Orel in the famous baseball pitcher's first name as "oral," as in referring to one's mouth, to come up with this totally unique Balki-ism.

Balki-ism: "When they launder money, do they have to wash the tens and the twenties separately?"
Original: Balki obviously takes the "laundering" part of the term "money laundering" quite literally.

Balki-ism: "No, it’s English."
Original: This is Balki's reply after he points out that the writing at the end of the article is in "little, slanty letters" and Larry explains they're called "italics," which Balki apparently confuses with Italian.

Balki-ism: "They’re going to give you so much credit that you won’t have to carry cash for a year!"
Original: Larry was looking for the kind of credit that means acknowledgement or praise for a job well done, and Balki twisted this to mean financial credit.

Balki-ism: "They went to the TV station to be on Nightline with Ted Koppel live from Chicago via cellulite."
Original: Balki, of course, meant "via satellite."

Balki-ism: "This nice man wants to talk to you about the money in the washing machine article."
Original: Again Balki comes up with his own unique terminology for "money laundering."

Balki-ism: "This must have been some whirlpool romance!"
Original: A "whirlwind" romance is one that happens quite suddenly and intensely.  A "whirlpool" is a rapidly rotating current of water.

Balki-ism: "If you ask me, you can’t see DeForest Kelley for the trees."
Original: The expression "can't see the forest for the trees" means that one can't see what is right in front of them because they are concentrating on everything else except the obvious.  DeForest Kelley was the actor who played Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy of the original version of Star Trek. 

Balki-ism: "Well, isn’t that the undergarment of the year?"
Original: Balki meant to say "understatement of the year."  An undergarment is . . . something else.

Balki-ism: "Minor?  You mean his mama had to give him permission?"
Original: Balki makes this comment after Larry remarks that Lowell Kelly is a minor poet, meaning beneath or not as good as other poets.  Balki took it to mean the legal definition of the word minor as one who is under-aged.

Balki-ism: "Why would anybody hunt for scavengers?"
Original: Balki comes across the term "scavenger hunt" (in which people are given specific items to look for, often in unusual places or without said items having been specifically placed beforehand) and takes it literally to mean hunting for scavengers, animals which feed off of the remains of the kill of other animals or garbage.

Balki-ism: "It’s like painting chest hairs on the Mona Lisa."
Original: This really isn't a Balki-ism, but Balki's analogy to describe the ruination of a priceless work of art is, in itself, priceless and deserves inclusion here.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, I can’t believe you would go to so much trouble to find a Lowell Kelly poem when you consider him such a minor-league poet."
Original: Another variation of the term "minor" which Balki mis-uses here.

Balki-ism: "I put my heart and soul and nose into it."
Original: Balki took the figurative expression "putting my heart and soul" into something and added the literal "nose," which he physically did put into it.

Balki-ism: "I’ve been looking forward to seeing you for a sheepdog’s age!"
Original: The idiom, "for a dog's age," means a long time.  Since Mypos' main industry is sheep it only makes sense Balki would say "for a sheepdog's age" instead.

Balki-ism: "I thought the bat boy was Batman’s son."
Original: The bat boy is the person, typically a youngster, at a baseball game who looks after the equipment, retrieves foul and wayward balls and handles other "gopher" jobs in general for the players.

Balki-ism: "Well, then Euriki!"
Original: This may not be a Balki-ism, but rather a Myposian version of the word "Eureka!" which is Greek for "I have found it!"

Balki-ism: "United we stand and Delta is ready when you are."
Original: "United we stand and divided we fall" was an expression popularized during the American Revolution.  Balki obviously confused it for the airline United and added in Delta's catch phrase to finish out the phrase instead.

Balki-ism: "Just open your mouth and let your heart do the talking."
Original: This is another one of those combinations of expressions that come out to be a completely original Balki-ism.

Balki-ism: "Gesundheit."
Original: Balki says this after Larry asks for "Potash," saying it so quickly it came out sounding like a sneeze.

Balki-ism: "A few well chosen words with a loved one are worth more than the picture that came with the frame, even if that picture is Olivia Newton-John."
Original: This must be the Myposian version of the expression "A picture is worth a thousand words."  It's a shame we never heard this in its original Myposian as well!

Balki-ism: "Hold the phone book."
Original: The expression, "Hold the phone," means to wait a second.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, can I play with the Doctor of Swing?"
Original: Balki mixed up the name of the Swing Doctor to sound more like the name of a big band leader.

Balki-ism: "Mostly the accent."
Original: This was Balki's reply when Mr. Lyons asked him what his handicap was.  Mr. Lyons meant his golf handicap, which is a numerical measure of an amateur golfer's playing ability.

Balki-ism: " . . . I took some private time and I came to a concussion."
Original: Balki came to a conclusion.  A concussion is a traumatic head injury.

Balki-ism: " . . . I’m not one to blow my own nose . . . "
Original: When someone brags about themselves someone might say they are "blowing their own horn."

Balki-ism: "Cousin, wild turkeys couldn’t stop you."
Original: The expression "Wild horses could keep me away" or "Wild horses couldn't stop me" refers to the fact that a formidable force (such as stampeding horses) could prevent something from happening.  Although wild turkeys might present more of a formidable force than you might imagine!

Balki-ism: " . . . it’s really not that difficult. All the holes are numbered."
Original: Mr. Lyons paid Balki a compliment by saying "You really know your way around a golf course."  Balki took this literally to point out that all the holes are numbered, not realizing Mr. Lyons simply meant he was very good at golf.

Balki-ism: "TGIF.  Two goats in Fresno!"
Original: Balki's interpretation of what TGIF (Thank God it's Friday) means is rather unique!

Balki-ism: "I just see them little babies and I just get the hobie jobies."
Original: Balki meant to say he gets the "heebie jeebies."

Balki-ism: "You tell your Uncle Balki and your Uncle Cousin."
Original: Sometimes Balki gets so used to calling Larry "Cousin" that he uses it as a name, even when it makes no sense, as in this example.

Balki-ism: "In other words, that’s a ‘don’t do’ on the TV show and a ‘do do’ on the column."
Original: The way Balki tries to express not doing the TV show and doing the column makes it sounds somewhat scatalogical.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, what’s wrong with our couch? The salesman said it had my name on it.  I never did find it."
Original: When someone like a salesman says that "your name is on it" it simply means they think it was made for you.  Balki took it literally and actually thought his name was written somewhere on the couch.

Balki-ism: "Well, I forgave you for taping me up like King Toot."
Original: This probably should be spelled the right way as "King Tut" but Balki simply pronounces "Tut" as "Toot."

Balki-ism: "We’re back to Binky McDinky, aren’t we?"
Original: Balki is speaking of Larry's high school nemesis, Bunky McDermott, but doesn't quite get his name right.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, I think it’s time you said bye bye to Boinki."
Original: And yet another interpretation of the name Bunky.

Balki-ism: "Winter in a box!"
Original: This is the way Balki describes the refrigerator to his Mama.

Balki-ism: "Now on this point I’m going to have to put my foot down on your face."
Original: To "put your foot down" is to be firm in your final decision.  Balki makes this sounds even more ominous by saying he's going to put his foot down on Cousin Larry's face.

Balki-ism: "Cousin . . . this film is becoming a pain in my essence."
Original: This turn of phrase is rather clever, as Balki uses the word essence in the sense it sounds like . . . another word . . . which can also be used to describe a donkey.

Balki-ism: "But Cousin, the straw that broke Glen Campbell’s back . . . "
Original: The express "the straw that broke the camel's back" is the same "the last straw" or something that is the final thing that puts someone over the edge where they can't take any more.  Glen Campbell is a popular country music singer and actor who's best known for hits like Rhinestone Cowboy, Gentle on my Mind and Wichita Lineman.

Balki-ism: " . . . let me decompose myself."
Original: Balki meant to say "let me compose myself," meaning he wanted to get himself together to deliver the joke properly and not laugh.  Decomposing is . . . something else.

Balki-ism: "Everything is becoming Crystal Light."
Original: When you finally understand something you say it's becoming "crystal clear."  Crystal Light was originally a popular drink mix which launched in the mid-80's and is now not only a mix but a variety of beverages marketed by Kraft foods.

Balki-ism: "You know, uh . . . I’m perspiring a little myself."
Original: Balki says this after Mary Anne says that he inspires her.  Although with what Balki had in mind, he probably was perspiring a bit!

Balki-ism: "You bet ten thousand dollars with a librarian?"
Original: When Larry says he bet ten thousand dollars with a "bookie," Balki mistook this to mean a librarian.

Balki-ism: " . . . you can’t expect him to be as Neopolitan as I am."
Original: As Larry would point out, Balki meant to say "cosmopolitan," which means to be comfortable and at home all over the world, not restricted culturally to one place.  Neopolitan, as well as being a flavor of ice cream, basically refers to someone from Naples, Italy.

Balki-ism: "Bite your tongue off!"
Original: When someone says to "Bite your tongue" they mean you should stop talking.  When one says this themselves they usually mean they hold their tongue and don't speak what they feel.  But when said to another, it's usually a way to contradict what they're saying.

Balki-ism: "All that’s left to do is the wheeling and dealing and shakin’ and . . . bakin.’"
Original: Balki added the "bakin'" to "shakin'," recalling Shake 'n Bake, a pre-mixed coating for chicken or pork which is then baked as opposed to fried.

Balki-ism: "Hold on to your cats."
Original: The phrase "Hold on to your hats" is a way of telling someone to prepare themselves for some big news or other suspenseful surprise.

Balki-ism: "He told me he was going to play a little one-on-one with Miss Kelly from advertising."
Original: Balki took Bartok's "one-on-one" to mean the type of basketball played between two people, rather than the man and woman interaction Bartok actually meant.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, excuse me for saying so but your friend Frankie Bathtub don’t know Dick Butkus about success."
Original: Balki twists Bartok's California friend's name, Frankie Bathgate, into Frankie Bathtub.  But that's only the first Balki-ism in this sentence!  Bupkis is a Yiddish term which has come to mean "nothing," so Balki meant to say he didn't know "bupkis" about success.  Instead he says "Dick Butkus," the famous football player turned actor and commentator.

Balki-ism: "It’s raining twenties from heaven!"
Original: Balki is using a reference to a 1936 popular song entitled "Pennies from Heaven."

Balki-ism: "Well, aren’t you the eager Leave it to Beaver?"
Original: When someone is an "eager beaver" it means they can't wait to get started on something, usually industrious.  "Leave it to Beaver" was a well-loved sitcom that ran in the late 50's and early 60's.

Balki-ism: "Well, they’re not going to bring him back, Mr. Smarty Trousers!"
Original: The expression is actually "Mr. Smarty Pants" which you say to someone when you want to call them a know-it-all in a sarcastic way.

Balki-ism: "When pigs walk!"
Original: To say "When pigs fly!" is to indicate something is never going to happen or would be a very unusual occurrence.  Pigs walking is probably not quite as unusual and doesn't carry the same impact.

Balki-ism: "You have a cow?"
Original: Balki says this after Hank Peterson tells Larry to stick around and find out if they're going to retire his jersey, meaning his football jersey (number).  Jersey cows are a small, brown breed of dairy cattle.

Balki-ism: "A bird in the hand will just keep pecking and pecking and pecking and pecking until your hand starts to bleed."
Original: The originally expression goes "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," meaning it's better to hold on to what you have rather than go for something you don't have.  In the case of Balki's expression, it probably just means it isn't a good idea to hold a bird too long!

Balki-ism: "He’s going to do our hair!"
Original: Balki says this after Mr. Wainwright comments he should think about making the team of Appleton and Bartokomous permanent, confusing the use of the word Wainwright meant with a hair permanent, sometime referred to as a "perm."

Balki-ism: "You got your interview and now you have to pay Peter Piper."
Original: When you "pay the piper" you make good on a promise or make compensation for something you've gotten or have been fortunate about.  Peter Piper was the focus of a Mother Goose tongue-twisting rhyme which starts "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers . . . "

Balki-ism: "Mr. Outhouse . . . "
Original: Balki mistakenly calls Worldwide Amalgamated's executive Mr. Outhouse instead of his proper name, Mr. Stanhouse.

Balki-ism: " . . . I think I can safely say that this time everything’s coming up noses."
Original: Balki meant to say "everything's coming up roses" (the title of a song from the musical Gypsy) which means everything will work out well.

Balki-ism: "Well, if we all follow the golden rule I don’t know why not."
Original: Balki says this after Larry tells everyone they are going to Paradise, or rather Club Paradise, a vacation resort.  Balki thought Larry meant paradise as in Heaven.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, um . . . call it intuition, call it common sense, call the wind Mariah . . . "
Original: Not exactly a malaprop but rather a non-sequitur.  Balki is refering to the song "They Call the Wind Mariah" from the musical Paint Your Wagon.

Balki-ism: "Just because two turtle doves want to fly the coop don’t mean you make it easy for them and buy them tickets to Miami."
Original: The expression which Balki twisted into his own version here is "Just because two birds want to fly the coop doesn't mean you make it easy for them and open the door."

Balki-ism: "Sticks and stones may hurt Shirley Jones but nerds will never harm me!"
Original: Balki beautifully mangles the saying, "Stick and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me."

Balki-ism: "I know enough of the language to tell you what I think in most uncertain terms!"
Original: Balki made the mistake of saying "uncertain" instead of "certain," which reversed what he was trying to say into the opposite.  It can also be said, "In no uncertain terms," which would be a double-negative and cancel itself out.

Balki-ism: "Roommates are a dime a dance!"
Original: Balki meant to say here that roommates are a "dime a dozen," meaning cheap.  "Dime a dance" refers to the old dance halls in which girls were hired to dance with men who paid them a dime per dance, which in a way could also be considered a way of saying "cheap."

Balki-ism: "Hot diggity donuts!"
Original: The more common expression is "hot diggity dog" but Balki adapted it to fit the occasion of Cousin Larry bringing him donuts.

Balki-ism: "Because I’ve got some news that’s gonna blow your nose!"
Original: When someone has exciting news to tell, they will usually say that it will "blow your mind," as opposed to "blow your nose." 

Balki-ism: "Cousin, first of all . . . Marvin is not a certified homicidal mechanic."
Original: Balki meant to say Marvin is not a "certified homicidal maniac."

Balki-ism: "For keeping him from being blown to figurines."
Original: The expression is "blown to smithereens."  Figurines are small collectible statues, often made of porcelain.

Balki-ism: "I can’t believe what my eyes are hearing!"
Original: An interesting variation of what could have been one of two sayings, either, "I can't believe what I'm seeing" or "I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

Balki-ism: "Cousin, your imagination is playing trick-or-treat with your mind."
Original: Balki wanted to tell Larry that his imagination was playing "tricks with your mind."

Balki-ism: "But don’t worry because if we can hold on ‘til tomorrow, Marvin will be in the Witness Projectile Program."
Original: This is Balki's skewed way of saying "witness protection program."  This makes it sound like Marvin is scheduled to be launched into space.

Balki-ism: "Marvin, I’m gonna miss ya, ya big lugnut!"
Original: A term of affection is you "big lug."  Lugnuts are the things that hold a tire onto a car.

Balki-ism: "I’m sure it is.  I . . . I returned my copy this morning."
Original: Balki says this to Mr. Gorpley after Gorpley wonders if "Bambi" is available to get for Mr. Glover.  Balki thinks Gorpley is referring to the 1942 animated Disney movie, but Gorpley was thinking of . . . something else.

Balki-ism: "Why would Mr. Wainwright give him carte blanche when more businesses worldwide accept Visa and Mastercard?"
Original: Balki confused the expression "carte blanche," which simple means "free reign to do whatever one wants" (and is French for blank paper) with a credit card name.

Balki-ism: "Maybe you’ll get two columns!"
Original: After Larry tells Balki that he's twice the writer Craig Howard is, who is getting his own column in the paper, Balki speculates literally that Larry might then get two columns in the paper.

Balki-ism: "Cousin!  Maybe your ship has finally hit the fan!"
Original: This is a classic Balki-ism in which he combines two expressions into something all his own, in this case "Your ship has finally come in" with "the sh**'s gonna hit the fan."

Balki-ism: "I’m trying to dress for excess."
Original: Balki meant to say he was trying to "dress for success," but considering the elaborate outfit he was wearing at the time Larry correctly confirmed that Balki was, indeed, dressing for excess.

Balki-ism: "I am the happiest Mypiot in the entire solar plexus!"
Original: Balki meant to say that he was the happiest Mypiot in the entire solar system.  The solar plexus is a series of nerves located in one's stomach area. 

Balki-ism: "I’m living the life of Pat Riley."
Original: Balki simply meant to say he was living the "life of Riley," which is an idiom a "good and easy life" that originated in Ireland and also became the title of a popular radio and television series starring William Bendix.  Pat Riley is a former head coach with the NBA and current team president of the Miami Heat.

Balki-ism: "I’m starting to get flashbulb burn."
Original: Balki took the term "flash burn," which refers to a radiation burn to the eye that can be caused by overexposure to certain kinds of light, and twisted it to specifically refer to the damage the flash bulbs from all the cameras were causing to his eyes.

Balki-ism: "English is not my mother’s tongue."
Original: The expression should be "English is not my mother tongue," meaning English is not Balki's first language.  Although we know it isn't Mama Bartokomous' mother tongue, either.

Balki-ism: "Well, we know our way around guts, Mr. Wainwright."
Original: Balki makes this comment after Mr. Wainwright comments about what a gutsy thing they had done, not realizing Wainwright meant "brave" instead of referring to actual guts.

Balki-ism: "I’ve been named head of the Chronicle’s grieving committee."
Original: Balki misunderstood the meaning of the Chronicle's "grievance committee," thinking they meant it was a "grieving committee," which is why he was practicing his crying.

Balki-ism: "No, Cousin, it wasn’t her big Beemer it was her car."
Original: After Larry pointed out that someone probably nailed Lydia for taking up two parking spaces with her BMW, or "Big Beemer" as Larry referred to it (Beemer being a slang term for BMW), Balki didn't make the connection.  One has to wonder what exactly Balki thought a "big Beemer" was!

Balki-ism: "I already tried that.  It don’t make it shorter."
Original: This was Balki's literal response after Mr. Gorpley told him to "put his nose to the grindstone," which is an expression that means to concentrate on your work.

Balki-ism: "How could I have been so blonde?"
Original: Balki meant to say "How could I have been so blind?" although with the popularity of dumb blonde jokes in the world Balki's version actually works quite well!

Balki-ism: "As a judge I have to be fair, impartial and completely oblivious."
Original: Balki meant to say he had to be completely objective, which means to see the issue through unbiased eyes.  Oblivious means to be completely unaware and clueless about what is going on.

Balki-ism: "How do you please?"
Original: The term, "How do you plead?" is a courtroom question to which the defendant is supposed to enter his plea of guilty or not guilty.  Balki mistakenly changed it to the above, which sounds like a polite question about a person's preference.

Balki-ism: "Well, I’m no Honest Abe Vigoda but I try."
Original: Balki meant to refer to "Honest Abe Lincoln," a nickname for Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States of America.  Abe Vigoda is an actor who is best known for his role on Barney Miller which led to a spin-off show focusing on his character, Fish.

Balki-ism: "I’m not one to blow my own nose . . . "
Original: To say you "blow your own horn" means to brag about yourself.  To blow your own nose means you either have a cold or allergies.

Balki-ism: "Oh . . . the greatest center in the history of basketball."
Original: Balki made this mistake after Larry asked him what he thinks of the color "cream" and Balki thought Larry had said "Kareem," as in Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the noted L.A. Laker.

Balki-ism: "I think, uh . . . Cream was one of the best groups in the history of rock ‘n roll."
Original: Balki once again misunderstood what Larry meant by "cream" when he referred to the 1960's British rock band, Cream, and began to perform the guitar riff from their famous song, "Sunshine of my Love."

Balki-ism: "Well, Cousin, I agree we’re in debt up to our chandelier . . . "
Original: This Balki-ism could almost be taken two ways, as one could say they were "up to their rear" in debt or also "up to their ear" in debt.  Either way, replacing these words with chandelier makes for a very fitting Balki-ism!

Balki-ism: " . . . we have to take the bull by the corns."
Original: What Balki meant to say was "take the bull by the horns," which means to take control of the situation.

Balki-ism: "It’s Uncle Shaggy in the fur!"
Original: Balki made a kind of joke with this comment when he substituted "fur" for the more common "flesh."

Balki-ism: "Cousin, it’s muzak in my ears."
Original: When someone says something is "music to my ears," they mean to say it's pleasing.  Balki replaced "music" with "muzak," the popular term for generic elevator music which some people don't find pleasing at all.

Balki-ism: "Don’t tell me . . . ‘Jailhouse Rock?’"
Original: Balki asked this after Uncle Shaggy said he had a prison record.

Balki-ism: "And if she thinks she’s going to fire Uncle Shaggy she’ll have to do it over my dumb body."
Original: Balki meant to say she would have to do it over his "dead body," meaning he would not allow it no matter what.

Balki-ism: "I don’t think his age is the issue."
Original: After Larry said they could go on television to tell the audience that Uncle Shaggy had been 86'd, Balki misunderstood and thought Larry was talking about Uncle Shaggy's age.  86'd is another term for being fired or dismissed.

Balki-ism: "The thought of never seeing Uncle Shaggy on TV again has made me lose my appetizers."
Original: Balki meant to say he'd lost his appetite and didn't feel like eating.  The way he worded it here, it sounds like some pre-dinner food didn't sit well in his stomach.

Continue to Season Six Balki-isms