Season Three Balki-isms
Balki-ism: "Oh Cousin, you can read me like a
cheap suit!"
Original: "You can read me like a
book." Balki would come up with many variations on this expression
but never one as absurd as the idea of reading a cheap, and supposedly loud,
suit.
Balki-ism:
"You really stepped in something good
this time!"
Original: This is a Balki original and would
become one of the most popular of his catchphrases . . . usually when you talk
about stepping in something it isn't something good, so this expression always
evokes interesting imagery, to say the least!
Balki-ism: "Well,
you wouldn’t have to iron your will so much . . . "
Original: Balki says this
after Larry comments that his diet will take "iron-willed discipline,"
mistaking the mineral "iron" for the appliance.
Balki-ism: "They give me the pants off their backs."
Original: When you say
someone will "give you he shirt off their backs" it means they are
very generous.
Balki-ism: "I wash my feet of the whole
business!"
Original: Balki meant to say
"I wash my hands of the whole business."
Balki-ism: "Well, be that as that may be . . .
"
Original: The expression
should simply be "be that as it may . . . "
Balki-ism: "Get out of the city!"
Original: Balki's variation
on "Get out of town!" would become a favorite catchphrase of the
series.
Balki-ism: "When do you think Olivia will hit
the fan?"
Original: The original
expression, "when the sh** hits the fan," essentially means that
things will get very very messy and nasty!
Balki-ism:
"No skin off my head!"
Original: There are several
variations of this saying, the most common being "No skin off my nose!"
or "No skin off my back!" It basically means something is not an
inconvenience to someone. More recent versions refer to skin off more
unmentionable parts of the body.
Balki-ism:
"An hour ago I was a babe in the woodpile . . . "
Original:
"A babe in the woods" refers to someone who is naive or unable to take
care of themselves.
Balki-ism:
"So you see, Raisin Puffs without the raisins is like Snow White without
her seven dorks!"
Original: Of course Balki meant to say "Snow
White and her seven dwarves."
Balki-ism:
"Well, then I’ll go to his four men."
Original: Balki says this
after misunderstanding Larry telling him he'll have to see the company foreman.
Balki-ism:
"What are you now? Deputy Dog?"
Original: Balki makes this
comment after Mr. Crocker claims he will soon by "top dog."
Deputy Dawg was an animated character by Terrytoons popular in the 1960's and
1970's.
Balki-ism:
"To forgive is divine . . . to be an airhead is human."
Original:
"To err is human . . . to forgive divine."
Balki-ism: "If Cousin Larry sees you again, he’s
going to start to put two and four together!"
Original: To "put two and two together"
means to figure something out.
Balki-ism: "I give, give, give until I’m blue
in the head !"
Original: People usually exert themselves in some
way until they're "blue in the face."
Balki-ism: "Get back, funky cat!"
Original: This seems to be Balki's interpretation
of the Elton John song "Honky Cat."
Balki-ism: "We’ve got to hit the road,
Zack!"
Original: Balki again gets a lyric wrong, saying
"Zack" instead of saying "Hit the road, Jack" like in the
classic Ray Charles song.
Balki-ism: "Mr. Death is going to come in here
and kick your bucket!"
Original: "Kick the bucket" is a
euphemism for dying, but Balki twists it to say that Death will kick Larry's
bucket for him!
Balki-ism: "I
don’t understand how one mean person can ruin everyone’s happy hours."
Original: Balki simply pluralized "Happy
Hour" which is typically not done.
Balki-ism: "What
about David and Goliath? What about Jack and the beanstalk? What
about the Captain and Tennille?"
Original: Okay, so this is more of a non-sequitur
than a maloprop, but it's such a good one! Putting the 70's singing duo
The Captain and Tennille into this mix is just too hilarious!
Balki-ism: "Now
Cousin, your fists can be just as furry as the next guy."
Original: Balki says this after Larry comments that
he can't see himself as "Larry Appleton, Fists of Fury."
Balki-ism: "You
could cut your toenails on my senses, too."
Original: This comment comes after Larry says that
his senses have been honed to a razor's edge. Balki paints a more graphic
image with this line, something completely unique to him.
Balki-ism: "Now
that we’re lean cuisine fighting machines . . . "
Original: Balki meant to say "lean, mean
fighting machines."
Balki-ism: "Cousin, hold on to your pants and fasten your neck brace . . . "
Original: The common expression is "Hold
on to your hat" and the only think close to the latter is "fasten your
seat belt!"
Balki-ism:"They said don’t call us, we’ll call us!"
Original: "Don't call us, we'll call
you."
Balki-ism:"I guess Princess Di is cast."
Original: The expression "the die is
cast" means that something is a done deal.
Balki-ism: "No use crying over spilt curd."
Original: "No use crying over spilt
milk."
Balki-ism: "Isn’t that a bit like Pa Kettle calling Ma Kettle black?"
Original: "The pot calling the kettle
black," which is what someone would say if someone accuses them of
something they themselves are guilty of. Ma and Pa Kettle were characters
from a popular series of movies made in the 40's and 50's.
Balki-ism: "The top bananaman."
Original: "The top banana."
Balki-ism: "The headest honcho."
Original: "The head honcho."
Balki-ism: "The Big Cheez Whiz."
Original: "The Big Cheese."
Balki-ism: "The watches that you sell on the black carpet?"
Original: Balki meant to say "The watches
you sell on the black market."
Balki-ism: "I’m packing a heater!"
Original: "I'm packing heat" is
another way to say you're carrying a gun.
Balki-ism: "I’ve got a scratchy trigger finger!"
Original: "I've got an itchy trigger
finger," which means your finger is anxious to pull the trigger of a gun.
Balki-ism: "So Cousin, all’s well that ends."
Original: Balki meant to quote the phrase
"All's well that ends well," the title of a Shakespeare comedy.
Balki-ism: "There
are none so blind as those who will not hear."
Original: Since
Balki says this is "the wisdom that made Mypos great," it's hard to
know if he quoted the phrase "There are none so blind as those who will not
see" or if this is actually the way it's said in Mypos!
Balki-ism: "Four
Mouseketeers."
Original: Balki
meant to refer to the group of friends as "The Four Musketeers."
Balki-ism: "Well,
I try to call them like I call them."
Original: "I
try to call them like I see them."
Balki-ism: "You
took the bull by the horns and you stepped in something good."
Original: By
adding the expression "you took the bull by the horns" (which means
you tackled something head-on) and adding it to his own "you stepped in
something good," Balki manages, quite inadvertently, to create some rather
humorous imagery!
Balki-ism: "Oh Cousin, you can read me like a
brown paper bag."
Original: Another one of
Balki's odd "you can read me like a . . . " The most common
original expression would be "you can read me like a book."
Balki-ism: "I broke down and cried ‘til my
eyes fell out."
Original: Usually someone
would say they "cried their eyes out." This variation is much
funnier!
Balki-ism: " . . . able to leap small children
in a single bound!"
Original: This line from
the opening sequence of Superman (both the original radio show and
television series) should be, of course, "able to leap tall buildings in a
single bound."
Balki-ism: "No way, Rosé!"
Original: "No way,
José!"
Balki-ism: "I’ve got that TV turkey off my
back!"
Original: This is an odd
combination of expressions. Usually when someone kicks a habit they say
they've gone "cold turkey." When someone has a addiction, they
often call it the "monkey on my back." Balki has managed to
combine the two in a most unique way!
Balki-ism: " . . . because the spit’s gonna hit the fan."
Original: The original
phrase is "the sh**'s gonna hit the fan." Tying this play on
words in with Balki's Myposian expression was extremely clever!
Balki-ism: " . . . this is just a hunk . . . "
Original: Should have been
"this is just a hunch."
Balki-ism: "Oh . . . I was a Cesarean myself."
Original: Balki makes this
comment after Frank says that his son is "a natural" (referring to his
baseball prowess) and Balki misunderstands him to mean his son went through a
natural childbirth, whereas Balki was delivered by Cesarean section (which on
Mypos must have been fairly unusual!)
Balki-ism: "Cousin Larry is thinking of becoming
a professional lesbian!"
Original: Balki's attempt
to say that Larry was thinking of becoming a professional "thespian"
(actor) remains one of the funniest Balki-isms in the series.
Balki-ism: "Cousin, you’re at least a two-bit
player!"
Original: Balki
makes this comment after Larry calls himself only a "bit player" to
make him feel better. What Balki doesn't realize is that calling anything
"two-bit" indicates it is insignificant, cheap or petty.
"Bits" was a former way of referring to coinage, and
"two-bits" literally meant 25 cents.
Balki-ism: "I
think I have what they call a pornographic memory."
Original: Balki
was trying to say he has a "photographic" memory.
Balki-ism: "Four
on the floor is better than two in the bush."
Original: When
Larry is excited that his dream car has "four on the floor" (referring
to the transmission gear shift) Balki mistakes it as meaning something not good
and confuses the expression "a bird in the hand is worth two in the
bush."
Balki-ism: "Does a Mypiot spit in
the woods?"
Original: The
classic expression closest to this is "Does a bear s**t in the woods?"
(meaning something is obvious). We can assume this is a Myposian variation
of that saying.
Balki-ism: "Why
don’t we quit beating around George Bush and get on with this?"
Original: "Beating
around the bush" means to do something in an indirect fashion. Balki
simply made it "George Bush" instead.
Balki-ism: "That
would be such a big load off my spine!"
Original: "A
load off my mind" is the usual way of saying this, as Balki meant it would
be a relief (spine works too, though!)
Balki-ism: "
. . . to make a short story long . . . "
Original: The
expression is "to make a long story short" but since Balki's story of
Cousin Christos was fairly lengthy Balki's version was clearly more appropriate!
Balki-ism:
"I know it’s been a long trip down
from up the river . . . "
Original: Saying someone
is "up the river" means they are in prison. Balki expanded upon
this to refer to Vince's having been released from prison in his own unique way.
Balki-ism:
"Cousin’s Larry’s so excited the
cat ate his tongue!"
Original: To say
"that cat's got your tongue" means someone is speechless.
Balki's version is much funnier, though!
Balki-ism:
"Now I understand what got your
dandruff up!"
Original: When someone
gets their "dander up" that means they're angry or agitated.
Balki-ism:
"Let me relieve you of your
mind."
Original: Usually one
would say "Let me relieve your mind" which is to say make them feel
more relaxed about something. Balki saying he will relieve Larry of
his mind makes it sound like Balki is going to take Larry's mind away!
Balki-ism:
"He just wants a new fleece on
life."
Original: Should have been a new
"lease" on life, which is what one says when they want a fresh start.
Balki-ism:
"Illicitly."
Original: Balki
says this when Larry asks Balki if he really trusts Vince. Illicitly means
something is underhanded or illegal. What Balki meant to say was
"Explicitly" which means completely and without question.
Balki-ism:
"If we both ended up dead I’d have
to live with it for the rest of my life!"
Original: People will
often say they'll have to live with something for the rest of their life if
something goes wrong, but Balki using it in this instance after just saying
"if we both end up dead" is particularly comical.
Balki-ism:
"Cousin, I can read you like a
scroll."
Original: Balki often says
"I can read you like . . . " which in the original context would be followed by
the word "book." Using the term "scroll" here is probably the
closest Balki will ever come to the original saying.
Balki-ism:
"Cousin, before you run off half crocked . . . "
Original: The expression
is to run off "half cocked" (unprepared) which is a saying originally
referring to firearms.
Balki-ism:
"You can’t squeeze water out of a
sponge!"
Original: The more common
expression would be "you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip" or
sometimes "a stone." The humor in Balki's attempt to say
something is impossible is exaggerated because he gave an example which is
completely plausible!
Balki-ism:
"You’re a man repossessed!"
Original: Should have been
"You're a man possessed!" meaning Larry is acting crazy.
Repossessing is to take away items that have not been fully paid for.
Balki-ism:
"Oh, give me a line of credit!"
Original: One of
the best Balki-isms ever is this twisting of the phrase "give me a little
credit."
Balki-ism:
"You’ve made your cake, now lie in
it."
Original: "You've
made your bed, now lie in it."
Balki-ism:
"You can just count me out and down
in Beverly Hills!"
Original: "You can
count me out" is the correct expression. Balki mixed this up with the
title of the comedy movie Down and Out in Beverly Hills.
Balki-ism:
"This morning I must have got up on
the wrong side of my brain!"
Original: Usually
one says they got up on the wrong side of the bed if they're out of sorts.
This is very unique Balki-ism in that he's really created his own expression to
say sarcastically that he must be crazy.
Balki-ism: "Because when it comes to plumbing, you don’t know Bo Diddley."
Original: To say
someone "doesn't know diddley" means they don't know at all about
something. Balki's version changes this to the singer Bo Diddley
instead. There was also a television commercial for Nike which featured
then football star Bo Jackson and singer / musician Bo Diddley in which Bo
Diddley tells Bo Jackson, "Bo, you don't know Diddley!"
Balki-ism: "I have a stinkin’ feeling . . . "
Original: Should have been
"sinking feeling."
Balki-ism: "Cousin Larry got up this morning with a look on his face that would have
curdled your hair."
Original: Balki meant to
say "curled your hair" instead of curdled, which is what happens when
milk gets old.
Balki-ism: "You read my mind! You must have
PMS!"
Original: This was a
rather embarrassing gaff on Balki's part, at least for Miss Lydia, when he
confuses PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) for ESP (extra-sensory perception).
Balki-ism: "They treat this man as if he were
Prince Valium!"
Original: Balki meant to
say Prince Valiant, the classic comic strip character created by Hal Foster in
1937. Valium is a prescription drug that helps promote relaxation and
sleep.
Balki-ism: "Listen, you don’t want to eat on
an empty stomach."
Original: There may be some things you wouldn't want
to do on an empty stomach but eating is the one thing you probably would
want to do!
Balki-ism: "I love The Elderly Brothers!"
Original: Balki mistakes Larry's comment about
interviewing a pair of elderly brothers to mean he interviewed the music act The
Everly Brothers.
Balki-ism: "Are you out of my mind?"
Original: Balki meant to say "Are you out of your
mind?"
Balki-ism: "If you need a helping hand, Balki
will be there to jump in with both feet."
Original: This is a unique Balki-ism in that he
actually uses both idioms correctly . . . it's just the combination of the two
paints an interesting picture!
Balki-ism: " . . . because I also had to pay for his Dang Dongs."
Original: Balki continues to call Ding Dongs by
this name.
Balki-ism: "I was wondering what you had a
bee in your pants about."
Original: To have a "bee in your bonnet"
means to have a thought that won't leave your head or something preoccupying
your mind. A bee in your pants is potentially more painful!
Balki-ism: " . . . your face is going to be green with embarrassment."
Original: As Larry would explain, the correct term
is "red with embarrassment." One can be "green with
envy."
Balki-ism: "And you’re going to come crawling to me on your hands and face . . .
"
Original: To come begging to someone is to
"come crawling on your hands and knees."
Balki-ism: "Ready to eat pigeon, Cousin?"
Original: When someone "eats crow" they
apologize for a mistake they have made and admit they were wrong.
Balki-ism: "You are a doubting
Tomopolis."
Original: This appears to be the Myposian version
of "doubting Thomas" which is a term used about someone who is
skeptical about something until they are provided with supporting
evidence. The term refers originally to Thomas the Apostle who originally
doubted the resurrection of Jesus and demanded proof by examining Jesus' wounds.
Balki-ism:
" . . . we’ve been studying for hours and I’m scraping the bottom of my
bucket."
Original: One usually says someone is
"scraping the bottom of the barrel" or "bucket" to mean they
are stretching something far beyond their means or capacity. Balki's twist
to this is to say "my bucket" instead of "the bucket."
Balki-ism:
"I don’t think so, Cousin. I enjoy eating meat so much."
Original: Balki says this after Larry tells him
he could become the first valedictorian in the family. Balki obviously
mistakes the word "valedictorian" for "vegetarian."
Balki-ism:
"All right Cousin, let’s go for the mold!"
Original: "Let's go for the gold!" is a
reference to the Olympics but applies to anything in which one wants to
strive to be the very best.
Balki-ism:
"Just between you and me it’s a lucky thing I don’t have a
percussion."
Original: Balki was explaining how Larry was
carrying him and hitting his head against the banister with each step and meant
to say it was lucky he didn't have a concussion.
Balki-ism:
"It’s right on the tip of my brain!"
Original: This is a very funny Balki-ism in that
the common expression when trying to think of something is that it's "on
the tip of my tongue."
Balki-ism:
"I make my speech at the prom before all the promming starts?"
Original: A different kind of Balki-ism, here he
makes a verb out of the word "prom."
Balki-ism:
"So why should I feel like my heart has been torn out by the roots?"
Original: Usually ones "hair" is torn
out by the roots, not one's heart, but the imagery is strong!
Balki-ism:
"I have been running around like a
chicken with his head glued on all day!"
Original: When someone is running around like
crazy it is said they are "running around like a chicken with its head cut
off."
Balki-ism:
"Cousin, I have a storm in my
brain!"
Original: Balki meant to say he was having a
brainstorm.
More Balki-isms will be added every week!